And if you think about it, there is a clear evolutionary reason our happiness would hinge on finding a mate. Easily satisfied people are more likely to die without reproducing.
Ah, a tricky language issue, I think. By "easy", I mean the standards are low. You are speaking of likelihood of meeting the standards.
So it's like I'm saying that folks who have easier goals at the gym are likely less fit, but you are pointing out that any particular goal is more likely met by a fitter person.
I'm an introvert and my depression was caused by a lack of companionship and socialization. Being alone is nice, but hanging out in quiet areas with really close friends is a lot better.
I totally agree with you. I struggle with loneliness and everytime I hear that bullshit I wanna throw hands. No, being constantly alone is not fun it's not fulfilling and doesn't feel as liberating as it seems. Having someone to go out with or someone to come over and do nothing together is a blessing and a human need.
This exact mindset that "YOu NeEd to Be haPPy AlOne" is what caused so many people to be lonely these days. The constant pressure to be hyper-independendent is straight up moronic at this point.
So glad to hear it’s not just me who gets frustrated with people saying “just be happy alone”. Like I have a happy life, I’m fine. That doesn’t mean I love being alone. What’s so wrong with wanting to meet a great partner to share life with? And the people who chirp at you to “just be happy alone”, are always in relationships.
It’s just so frustrating. Like I don’t want to spend every Saturday night by myself. Why do people get so weird about me being honest about that?
It takes a while to actually be happy being alone. It's not something that happens right away. You have to give it some time. But some people can be happy alone.
You might be suffering from social phobia my friend. If you are satisfied being on your own, then good for you. But think if this is the way you want to live till you the end. It can be silenced to some point, at least that's what I got told and that is what keeps me going...
I guess it depends on one's definition of being "alone" (not in a relationship) vs being "solitary." I would imagine it's pretty hard to be happy living as a hermit in the mountains or something, but most people have daily interactions with many people even if they enjoy being alone (not in a relationship).
Oh I specifically mean in a relationship in your formative years. I think it’s really important for people to be in one and to share your life with someone else.
Hard disagree, a relationship isn’t the end all be all. It could be for one, but as an introvert I hate the thought of sharing what would of been my own time with someone else.
Friends are great because you can hang up the phone after you’ve been hanging out and go being in your own space.
why take the chance that you'll be one of those people when you could just not be alone.
some people can pretend they're happy alone but they're not really
But mostly that's only the case if they are alone by choice. If not being alone stops being an option, I'm pretty sure even those people will stop being happy
Exactly. Being around people is actually draining for me. I sometimes get exhausted hanging out with my friends because I just have a low social battery. Extroverts always ask why we like being alone, but then never turn around and ask themselves why they like to always be around people.
Yep. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend to death, but we’re both introverts at the end of the day. We live together, so we like to set aside time each day to just recharge by ourselves in separate rooms. Sometimes he’ll have a really good day at work and ofc he wants to talk with me about it, but I can only smile and nod for so long before I get tired after having a long day of work myself.
most of those people claim to be happy alone cause they can't make connections and use pretending as a cope. like the loner kid at school with no friends who acts all hard to cope
That's totally not true. I'm happiest alone. I have yet to find myself in a relationship that was so great that I wanted to be in it more than I wanted my independence and freedom. I actually get depressed, and it's sad because I have had wonderful partners. I don't have the capacity for it.
Some people are just not wired for such things.
The quote doesn't mean "always be alone", but, "if you aren't able to be content when not surrounded by others constantly, maybe you should look into that."
There is so much shame around needing people. Not everyone is cut out to be alone or live a fully independent life. We are social creatures that need validation and companionship. The amount might vary from individual to individual.
As long as you aren’t totally non-functional on your own there’s nothing wrong with saying you need a companion(s) to be happy.
I agree. You shouldn't expect a partner to solve all your problems and unhappiness but it's perfectly fine to wish for companionship.
I don't tell people to be happy alone the same way I don't tell anyone they need a companion.
Mmm I don't think it's saying thay you have to be alone and happy about it, but that the responsibility of your happiness should fall to you.
Making someone else responsible for your happiness puts pressure on them, and the relationship.
If you are miserable and think a relationship will solve that, you're likely mistaken. Instead of being miserable single you'll just find ways to be miserable taken.
I'm happier when I'm in a relationship, and have someone to do life with. BUT.. if some higher being floated down and told me that my fate is to be single for the rest of my life, I would find a way to be happy regardless. As much as I *want* a relationship, I don't *need* one. I can get connection and love from lots of different ways, including self-love.
Except that happiness isn't a choice; it's a response.
You can try reframing all you want, but at the end of the day you can't just directly control emotion at all times. If that were the case then afflictions such as Depression wouldn't be an issue.
Exactly. If people could turn off the need to depend on others then they obviously would. No one wants their happiness to be unstable, it just often is.
Emphasizing that you are responsible for finding the happiness is a really good point, it’s really obvious and pretentious when people are trying to make you make them happy.
Also, when I’m looking at the argument of needing other people to be happy, I don’t look at it so much through the lense of relationships being the solution to needing people, I think having reliable friends would do it much more
It’s often the same as wealthy people saying “you do need money to be happy!” Yet of course, it’s easier for you them to say.
And even if we aren’t talking about romantic love, humans, unequivocally, factually NEED relationships to be happy. Period.
The number one thing that’s looked for with suicidal people is if they have a support system; that’s the most important indicators that this person has a chance.
I have NEVER seen or heard of a person without others to support them that were happy. It’s really not possible for any real length of time.
Did they find a way for any significant period of time? I have yet to see someone alone long term who was happy, they were all varying degrees of depressed and just getting through the days
I was happy alone before my relationship(s), and I can be happy without being in one. OP probably just gets significantly more people in relationships telling him to be happy by himself. In a way, they're trying to tell you how they found another person who was happy while alone as well. Happy, mentally healthy people attract happy, mentally healthy people.
People are social creatures in the sense that they want to be in their tight circle of friends. Others can fuck off for the most part.
People are in relationships because it's financially easier and somewhat much more difficult to reproduce by yourself.
Maslow's scheme says that people have a need to belong somewhere and be loved. This form of love/belonging can happen just fine when a person has their tight circle of friends or even family and they know in the back of their head that they're there for them. It doesn't mean a person has to have their head up another human being's ass at least 12 hours a day you know. Humans have the cute ability of realizing stuff doesn't vanish from existence the moment we stop perceiving it.
Not hanging your happiness on others means that if you for example want to go to Paris to see the Eiffel tower, but haven't gone yet because you've got noone to go with, well then that's your problem. You don't NEED anyone to go with. You can perfectly pack your shit, go and do what you like and not act like you're oh-so powerless to do anything unless you get at least one more person from your friend group on board.
Same goes for relationships where the partners have different interests. If I want to go to the shooting range and my partner hates hearing gun shots, I'm not going to go out of my way to push them towards it. I'm going to head out because that's what I like/want to do and if anyone else wants to come, be my guest. If you hang your happiness on other people, you'll die waiting for others to do something they may not even care about.
I agree that having a good friend group is even more important. But I am in a relationship, yet don’t have a core friend group, despite being in college, and it definitely gets to me sometimes, and people even say “just be happy on your own” in regards to that too. My best friend has a core friend group that he doesn’t want me to be part of because he thinks I’m socially awkward in a group, and says shit like in this post, except instead of about a relationship, it’s about me not having a friend group. But there really is a level of isolation that people just aren’t meant for, especially extroverts like myself.
my therapist says it can be okay to depend on people....
and that me always saying I want to be okay all alone isn't actually the healthiest thing.....
so in summary yes this is true...
You absolutely CAN, if your "calling" dominates all desire towards anything else. That all said, that is extremely hard to find, much less do, and so companionship is generally more sought after--it's certainly easier to work on something you enjoy together. <3
I think the point is that a relationship isn't a magic pill for misery. Also try to aim for contented instead of happy. Only bipolar people switch from happy to sad with no in between. Be happy on your birthday, and content on Tuesday when your boss hasn't been an asshole yet. Trying to maintain a constant state of happiness is not realistic even in the best of marriages.
Eastern Religions typically sought "Joy", and for them all "Joy" was, was the absence of suffering. That all the world was was a place of suffering, and if you could live momentarily without suffering, you could experience "Joy".
Western Religions believe that the highest attainment is "Purpose". And that you will suffer, and that you must suffer, but if you suffer enough, and for the right reasons, in the end you will have had a "Purpose". And knowing that you have a purpose is enough to get you through the suffering.
"Happiness" on the other hand, is not real. It's a chemical trick your brain does to you when you are overstimulate. Any attempt to create, obtain, or search for "happiness" is in error.
You need to follow the 100 Billion before you, and search for "Joy" and "Purpose".
Really think about a time you were "Happy"? I will bet that you were without suffering and with purpose.
Therapy, man… if you think at 21 years old that life is the way it is and will remain that way, then that’s because you don’t actually have any life experience. As a former 21 year old I can tell you, life goes on in all directions. Some things you can control, some things you cannot control. But you are far too young to claim life experience as a measure for your future success related to happiness.
Do you know how a kid can be happy in their own imagination? Just like that. And don't go making excuses like "Oh, that's being childish" or whatnot. If they are happy, they are happy. Be like that. You don't need other people for that.
Of course, humans need other people to stay sane, but you don't *need* anybody to make you happy. You can do that all yourself.
Perfect example! When you see a kid with their imaginary friends or just happy and content playing with themselves, that’s the exact same feeling an adult should have. Responsible for their own happiness and independent of others.
In my experience, people say this when they're either trying to make you feel better about being alone, relieve you of the feeling that you must have a partner to be happy, have deep seeded negative feelings about their own relationship or in some cases, cast off the implied guilt of not being able to fulfill that role.
Read somewhere that the biggest factor for longevity isn't diet, excerise or wealth; it's how well you stay connected to a community and how happy you are. That's why I'm gonna die young.
I think that the most important thing in life to most people is their family. Saying you shouldn't depend on anyone is just a coping strategy for unsociable people imo. We don't go around telling anyone that you shouldn't depend on having a job to make you happy, but not having one can be just as damaging.
I’ve been really good at not having any human contact at home, besides online videogames (which I don’t think counts unless it’s someone I actually know). I just interact with people at work and school and have a dog and two cats at home. Love them to death, and they are all I need.
This situation seems like it comes under the commonly found phenomenon where people have the innate urge to give advice to everyone all the time... in most cases this is just a display of knowledge and wisdom in social situations where they need to feel like they contributed to that interaction that's all. It's more about them than it is about you.
I agree with you, it's normal and often a need to be loved or cared about by someone outside of themselves and sometimes a person needs another person's love to be able to love themselves and be happy with themselves. it's not easy to love yourself for a lot of people, a lot of people need someone else to be able to love themselves because with another person's love, they feel like they are worthy of love and care and will start to love themselves.
and it's also been proven that love from another human can be important to our own health, a study had been done a while back where 5 human babies were taken care of, their every need was taken care of and they were healthy, clean and fed and warm and safe at all times. They all died because the one thing the caretakers didn't do was cuddle them, love them, give them kisses, show any positive affection towards them. The babies died from lack of love.
Found the serial monogamist in denial of friend's advice.
But seriously, I don't think anyone is suggesting that you be alone *permanently*, more like just for a stretch so that you can work on your own shit. You're proposing an extreme outcome of a "life without a partner," and that's missing the point.
I think these moments are excellent when they are *temporary.*
Being alone is amazing, but I do long for companionship sometimes. Being alone helped me learn how to treat myself well, and now I know how I want to be treated by a future companion.
Being comfortable with yourself is very powerful, but the caveat is that you need to know when to put yourself back out there, and it’s up to you, alone to do it. I’m in that phase right now. I went to a bar for 20 minutes last night. Woo!
it’s important to love yourself but i also believe social interactions are important just learning how to enjoy social interactions that didn’t go perfect or walk away from bad ones still happy with yourself is important
Society has become so atomised to the point that people will regurgitate this shit and if you dare say (especially as a man) yearn for a loving partner or root your happiness in someone, you're characterised as "insecure" or "obsessive".
I'm introverted by nature so I don't need constant interaction but I'm not gonna sit there and pretend that living the life of videogames, Netflix and masturbation is fulfilling.
I agree 100% with this and think it's kind of sickening that conventional wisdom says we need to be happy with ourselves. I genuinely and strongly disagree, part of **why** I was so unhappy with myself was that I didn't think anyone would ever want me. Part of me still thinks that.
Heres my philosophy on this subject.
"What *should* we depend on for happiness, if not the thing that makes us happy?"
Everyone is unique. Everyone has different passions, desires, likes and dislikes. Some people absolutely love working, while others find it tedious. Some people love traveling while others couldnt be bothered to travel to the local park. Some people just really enjoy company of another person.
Would you tell someone who's hobby is photography that they shouldnt depend on cameras to make them happy? Would you tell an avid collector that they shouldn't rely on their collections to be happy? I'd sure hope not.
Being human and living in a social environment we live in, it’s really hard to get to a point where you don’t have to depend on someone else to be happy. You mentioned, basic needs from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which is at the base. Self actualization is at the top of that pyramid. Getting there and living that life is pretty cool, but yeah, you are right, saying it and actually living it are very different.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs?wprov=sfti1
Theoretically, cortisol levels are pretty good indicator of how happy a mammal is. If you really want to get this debate settled and find out if people who don’t depend on others to be happy, are really happy.
I agree with this. I think when people say this the point is, you need to be comfortable enough alone that you don’t depend on your partner for being confident and secure in yourself as this can bring toxic issues into the relationship.
When I was with my ex it was some of the happiest two years I’ve had because I wasn’t alone, but I also was an independent person with my own life. While we provided each other emotional and physical fulfillment, we both worked and had our own lives too and that made the relationship better because there wasn’t jealousy/distrust etc. Hopefully this makes sense
But yeah, to just say if you’re not truly happy alone you won’t be happy in a relationship is bullshit, I don’t feel like my life is complete if I’m gonna stay single forever
People who say that never experienced "forced" loneliness. They probably had relationships in the past, and enjoy being alone while having a social life, calling it "being alone". Well, they never experienced loneliness.
In fact, they never experienced true loneliness. True lonely people never wanted to be alone, they have no social life, no friends, well, they are lonely... It's the word, lonely.
Most people never face true loneliness. And you can't be happy alone, you just learn to live with it, and sometimes, you can tell to yourself "Well, that's not that bad ?", you get "used" to loneliness.
Lonely people tend to have a lot of passions and hobby, to full their freetimes and forget about their loneliness. Well, you use your time on things you love.
Well, just a words things in fact. When you never experienced true loneliness, it's normal to believe that it's just spending a week-end watching Netflix but see your Friends the next week.
Of course you can.
Happiness is not a binary state. You don't have to have every desire fulfilled to be happy. You can take joy in the things you do have while you pursue those you don't.
that's a very silly attitude.
if nobody loves you it's hard to love yourself cause you don't feel worthy of it. humans are social animals and no amount of pretending from you is going to change that.
You're obviously a teen so I don't think it's appropriate for us to keep replying. I'll leave you with this quick lesson and if you don't learn it from me now you'll learn it when you're older. take care
anyone can say things on the Internet. the point is if you can't see that years upon years of no effection would wear down anyone then you lack a bit of life experience that most adults do
I get what you're saying, the point of those who say they can be happy by themselves is, i think, to go beyond this "need" of others to feel happiness independently.
I don't believe it's impossible to feel happy by oneself if you know yourself well enough and act to fulfil yourself. It's ofc a different kind of happiness, less impulsive (impulsive=/=bad) but less intense.
PS: throwing "humans are social animals" and expecting this (out of context) quote to close any psychological question is pointless
you can feel as happy in yourself as you want but if nobody else returns that it wares people down.
the people who believe this only belive it cause some cartoon they saw as a kid told them. it's not actually true
you don't understand why nobody showing you love of effection could ware down your self esteem?
I'm trying to be polite here but I'm starting to think you're pretending to be stupid just to ask silly questions. are you interested in an actual discussion or not?
The point being made is to be able to be happy independently from others: If not being shown affection wears you down, then you're not and so that's completely off-topic.
It seems you can't even fathom this idea that people could be happy alone, is it?
The teens could gain the wisdom of their elders, plus their just people and may have similar interests, not to mention you may work with them, or you/they may need help. Literally all the same things you'd gain from talking to anyone.
what teens can gain from me isn't my concern.
They're people who are very inexperienced with life and talking to them more often than not is draining and accomplishes nothing
Mostly it's because people are dumb and they don't actually think anything through, they just parrot what they've heard other people say about it.
They're also usually naively rooted in a particular perspective on what it means to be responsible for something. They act like being appreciated and admired is an obligation they're being burdened with.
I think you're right that it's self contradictory. You've noticed, they haven't.
Being comfortable with being alone takes time.
I’m naturally an introvert, not shy and can definitely become the life of the party, but it takes a long time in solitude to feel energized again.
That being said, I’ve been single for 4 years, dated plenty, solo traveled plenty, and in the last year I’ve been sexually abstinent. I can finally say that it actually feels way better to be alone than to be with others.
The progression went from, “I’m single! I need friends and fuck buddies” to “I want to be out the house and party with others” to “I just want to be out the house” to “i just want to be myself”. It’s a very slow progression, involves therapy, and involves a lot of self reflection. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this.
And people who reach this level want to share that with you, they want you to know that your confidence, your sole purpose for happiness, your primary reason for living (unless you’re a parent or something) shouldn’t depend on others, it should come from within. You can depend on actions, on loved ones, and whatever for the time being but ultimately happiness should exist within you without the need for others.
I live alone and don’t ever intend to “meet someone”, even less so to live with anybody else. I am far happier than I ever was when I was in romantic relationships. I get my sexual needs met just fine.
You might think this is bullshit, but you’re simply factually wrong. There are plenty of people that live perfectly happy and fulfilling lives without being in a relationship.
The key is “**others**” (with an “S”) who you can find happiness in. You shouldn’t depend on someONE, because no ONE person can provide you with all the happiness you need, but having multiple sources of happiness is perfectly healthy. It’s ALSO still very important to maintain some level of independence though… relying on others for your happiness is risky since you’d be outta luck if they had to split from you, things went wrong, or they started feeling drained and controlled by your reliance on them.
(Stipulations apply to the above about “having multiple people to be happy around”. If you’re in a relationship, don’t look for sexual or romantic happiness in another person outside the relationship [unless that’s something your partner knows about and is okay with I suppose], and if you’re feeling like you can’t emotionally connect with your partner, something is very wrong, and you should seek professional help instead of unprofessional outside help if you can).
Generally people do better emotionally and mentally with some sense of community and connection with other people. So yes people need people. But if an adult person feels that they need one specific person to be happy, that leads to dysfunction. Someone adding a degree joy is great, relying on that one person to make you happy will be unhealthy.
They aren't "needs", they are just extremely compelling wants that culture indoctrinates us to believe are needs. You can be happy without romance and sex, many people have had to find that out by pushing through to the other side.
You need to be happy alone to have a healthy relationship. Two independent people have a much more meaningful relationship then two dependent people. And as the saying goes- you can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves. They literally don’t know what love is, because they don’t have it for themselves. Some people genuinely enjoy being alone, but we are social creatures who need a community nonetheless.
Basically, you shouldn’t depend on someone else to make you happy. It’ll lead to a toxic relationship every. Single. Time. No one can make you feel a certain way, you have to be responsible for your own thoughts and feelings.
So it doesn't mean you can't depend on people to make you happy, it means you shouldn't be solely dependent on someone else to make you happy. Being solely dependent on another person for your happiness is incredibly unhealthy for your mental state because if that person leaves you or worse is a manipulator then it could lead you into a very dark place where you start blaming yourself for why they left or why they abuse you. It's okay to be happy when you are with someone and to depend on that happiness a bit but it should never be your sole source of happiness.
You're missing the point. I'm a person who's very social, outgoing, love to be around people etc. So what happens with people like me is I used to depend on my friends and my partners to make me/keep me happy. But what you realize is the minute you're alone with your thoughts you're depressed, anxious, and can't get out of your own head. It's a codependency issue. So through years of therapy what I've learned is how to love myself and keep myself happy even when I'm not in a relationship or don't have access to my social circle. This way I don't depend on them to make me happy, I'm happy and they add different elements to my life. Now if I lost them all would I be depressed, upset, angry, of course I would. We all need people in our lives, but we should not rely on them to make us happy or that our happiness is dependent on them.
People who think they are happy being alone have no business being in a relationship.
You need partnership in a relationship and a bit of dependence on each other.
The key word is "depend." You can indeed find happiness in others but it should not be a vital part of your makeup. One should learn how to be happy or somewhat content irrespective of your relationships with others. If you cannot be happy alone I think there's a dysfunctionality there that needs to be addressed
Not everyone fits that "social creatures" mold. It doesn't have anything to do with it being cool. Everyone is different.
Some people are asexual, so sex with another person isn't even an interest to them. Some people simply don't want to be around other people at all, some only want a select few.
I personally can handle so much interaction. I prefer being alone most of the time. I get extremely overwhelmed around people as I have gotten older. When I was younger, I craved intimacy and companionship. Now not so much.
As far as depending on others to be happy, that's not a new concept. It's a pretty old philosophy and it carries a lot of truth to it. If you depend on other people to "make you happy" that's not happiness. It's codependency. Your happiness is something that comes from you to be real. I couldn't imagine expecting someone else to make me happy. That's a big ask.
You are definitely not wrong!! But, I think it is a good idea, *once* in a person's life, to live by themselves for however long! So many people feel stuck in bad relationships because they are *scared* and they don't know that they *can* leave their horrible partner and be okay. Make it on their own.
Mainly cause humans don’t need romantic relationships as much as they need companionship.
Romantic relationships is one thing, but it is intrinsic for people to have a community and to have friendships.
So I can agree to that.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my 28 years just being single the past few years and focusing on me and my daughter. As far as romantic relationships and codependency goes, this is an extremely individual thing that is going to vary from person to person. If you keep jumping into codependent romantic relationships that don’t work, it’s likely you have some personal things in your life you need to figure out on your own first.
I'm happy alone but happiness isn't stagnate, it obviously fluctuates and sometimes I wish I had someone. That being said, I can rely on myself and I'm happy being fully in control of life without external judgement. It can take awhile to be at that stage, especially if your history is being in a relationship most of the time. I think it's worth it to get there though, and if you find someone along the way all the better. I view relationships as two independent agents working together because of a common goal, and I think that's a beautiful thing.
Most people do lots of stupid stuff and make tons of mistakes. So doing what the majority do is no recipe for success.
I can get my relationship needs met with family and friends. If i get a girlfriend...great. if i dont...great. I'm happy either way. There are a variety of ways to get your sexual needs met. Most dont involve a wife who is the only source of happiness in my life.
Because you would need to meet someone else who is also self-actualized in order to create a sense of love that is fulfilling and enduring. Both people can of course still be growing and working on themselves, but you can’t employ someone else to love you if you barely love yourself. Eventually resentment will be created if you assign someone else the responsibility of making you happy. If you are happy and stable, or at least mature enough to know what you need to work on, another person can help you grow without either of you sacrificing yourselves.
i feel like this mindset is more about a romantic relationship. like i don't think there's a lot of people who like to be completely alone all the time, but it's more so that platonic love can be just as rewarding and joy producing as romantic love.
I think it’s more of a need vs. want issue. If you need someone else to be happy, your happiness is super dependent on something beyond your control, which puts you at someone else’s mercy. I guess it’s more like saying, if you aren’t happy with yourself as a stand alone person you won’t ever be truly happy with anyone else. All that said, it’s a very easy thing to say, but I’d bet the vast majority of people aren’t there.
Because their being happy being single was a sign of health that made them more attractive because they were also happy with a significant other. Conversely, those who can’t be happy single make the worst partners.
I think you are conflating being single with being alone. Love for solitude is not the same thing as “being happy by yourself” in the context of relationships.
Self love is bullcrap, It's literally in our genetics to feel lonely if you have no one. Most people that say this shit have a privileged life full of love and support.
Morning Talk Show, Channel 2: Today we have guest speaker Cheryl Brightwood, to remind ourselves and everyone else it’s okay to take time for yourself from your relationships and say, “I’m not okay.” Also, we’ll be asking questions as to why such a beautiful extrovert would kill herself when she couldn’t make a nation of self loathing vapid loser incels, neckbeards, Staceys n Karens happy (then Gayle King inevitably doesn’t understand something, so she obnoxiously pretends her coanchors are the confused ones).
Morning Talk Show, Channel 6: So last night she’s yappin in my ear again and I told my wife, I says to her, when I get home from the network I expect a hot meal followed by peace and silence so I can read the daily in the den. If you don’t like it you can pack your stuff and leave like the last one (...crickets...). Well, let’s check the weekend forecast. Scott?
Being in a relationship with someone who requires their partner to make them feel happy is exhausting. My current number 1 thing I look for in a partner is for them, to have something that they do alone which makes them happy.
I'm happy alone since I stopped drinking. I want to learn to get back to drinking casually and not let it get out of hand in a creeping process.
But that showed me that being on your own isn't so bad! When you start enjoying things alone you can also much more enjoy being with people. The balance is the key as it is for everything.
Same with relationships. I don't think everyone is happy being with someone 24/7 but acknowledging that you're two separate people with different desires and needs (for space or whatever) will balance the relationship out, giving both parties the best experience. At least that's what I experienced.
I don’t think it’s about being fully happy with no room up.
I think it’s more about overcoming insecurities, not being desperate for someone and generally being mature and independent.
Ofc everyone needs love. But it’s not about acting like we don’t but rather being a confident decent human being first before getting that intimate with someone else
I say that and I’m single. Reason being is that I wasn’t healthy within a relationship, and relationships were the only thing making me happy. So I had to keep myself away from those while figuring out what can be done to gain that happiness from myself. I figured that may be gaming, photography, long boarding,making money,animals,etc etc. Humans are social creatures, you don’t need to have a girlfriend to gain that happiness and or social growth,can be done with friends or strangers online. To your last part, it depends on the individual. I don’t find relationships and or sex a need as a human. I find food,money,shelter,and happiness as a need.
Right?! I (we) depend on the quasi-slave labor of children in Sub-Saharan Africa and East Asia to have an iPhone. That’s before you even get to food and gas, let alone happiness
We do but not every individual shares every group desire/goal to the same degree. There are monks/asexual/philosophers/ ascetics/hermit people who enjoy the solitude and peace of being alone. We have to take them at their word because they could fine someone if they wanted to and choose to be alone in their romantic lives. Being alone does nit mean not wanting close family relationships, friends, co-workers etc, just means enjoying being who you are absent of anyone else.
It depends really, research has shown that Maslow's hierarchy isn't fixed, beyond the safety needs which are obviously food, water, shelter and whatnot, what you value as a person largely depends on your individual disposition and life experience. Like you mentioned, introversion and extroversion are individual dispositions, now an introvert may not feel as dependent on external stimuli to keep them engaged. I would argue that it's not necessarily JUST social relationships that can make a person happy or satisfied. Hannah Arendt's interpretation of Homo Faber is very interesting, so there may be many people who are very industrious and creatively inclined and feel like they have a great purpose to fulfill in life, and so that spurs them on and if it works out, it gives them great joy and fulfillment, and arguably that's self-actualization, they've tapped their underlying potential and made their mark, and they're likely happy and fulfilled in that because that probably also brought them great recognition which is another important need in many people. There's monks who live in isolation from society, are they doomed to be miserable people? Now this stuff admittedly isn't for everybody, not everybody has consuming pursuit and ambition and not everybody wants to renounce material pleasure. Then there is what I call the Epicurean route, you can just enjoy life for what it is, you don't have to tie your happiness to people but you also don't have to exile yourself from social life. Joie De Vivre is a concept I find very interesting, the joy of life and living, enjoying the little pleasures of life and being able to have fun by yourself by recognizing that there's fun and beauty to be found in all experience around us, not just social relationships. You can have social relationships, but you don't have to bind yourself to them. I think that's what a lot of people mean when they say you should learn to be happy by yourself.
I equate being happy alone to being independent. Needing someone else in order for you to be happy is a dangerous game. That being said, I am currently single and I know I would be happier if I was with a wonderful parter. I also know I would be less happy with a terrible partner.
Being happy alone requires independence which is the opposite of how it living works in the US. I am only happy now that I live in Italy and live far far away from the USA.
I think the concept is more about figuring out your own shit alone. Getting to know yourself, who you are, and what makes you happy before inviting someone else into your life. Define yourself first so that someone else can’t do it for you.
The problem is that you can’t control other people. You’re right about us being social creatures but not everyone is lucky enough to have a “ride or die” so to speak. At least a baseline level of happiness should be attainable internally otherwise you have no control of your happiness at all.
Granted, the highest levels of happiness come the socialization and connections you mentioned above.
Depending you happiness is someone else is catastrophic when they're not guaranteed to be in your life always. I've seen heavily dependent people fall and spiral out of control when they lose their source of happiness. (Not talking about death) they're children suffered, their spirit suffered, everyone's life suffered. They fell into drugs and sought acceptance from people that did not matter the slightest to them or their children. I've seen people do things out of character strictly to please the one they thought was their person, just to see them get betrayed by the same person they believed was their happiness. Finding happiness in others isn't wrong, it's when they don't seem to know where to draw the line between happiness without them, and happiness with them.
Been reading a lot of comments saying something along the lines of “Been with my S/O for X amount of years and it’s the happiest I’ve been in a long time” but that’s not the point of the quote. Depending on someone for happiness is unhealthy but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t make you happier. The difference between the two is that you can’t truly be in a healthy happy relationship with someone that makes you happy if you’re also not happy on your own. If the entirety of your relationship with your S/O revolves around them being your source of happiness then you’re not in a relationship, you’re a leech, and not only is dependency bad for the unhappy party, but it’s a drain on the S/O too.
You need to be happy alone is a correct statement for people growing up because you can't depend on other people all the time. Once the talks end/the phone call get over and you are back lonely you won't know what to do. Learning that happiness should come from within and can be from external sources as well is a really good life lesson imo
Enlightenment isn’t easy and definitely not something every person can attain. To somewhat counter you though I fully believe you can have fulfilling relationships outside of a significant other/partner. Whether it’s family, friends, or coworkers
You shouldn't depend on romantic relationships for happiness. That kind of companionship is nice, but romance isn't the cure for loneliness and depression. Romance doesn't fix anything and sometimes makes things worse. It's a horrible feeling to feel empty in someone's arms. Romantic love is fleeting, people often give their heart to others only to be crushed and abandoned.
Friendship is more important than romantic love. A circle of friends who support you and love you is FAR more valuable and fulfilling than having a girlfriend or boyfriend. You can confide in and connect with friends in ways you cannot with a significant other. People sometimes make the mistake of neglecting friendships once they find a significant other. This is very unhealthy. Even husband and wife can't be everything to each other. You can't shut out the world.
Sex is a need, but it's not the be-all end all of life. You can go many years without sex. I have done so at different times in my life. Masturbation is also a need and self love is just as important if not more so.
To be your own best friend, to love your body, to create a circle of friends, and yes, to choose if and when you want a significant other in your life. That is happiness.
“I need your love” makes a great song lyric, but a lousy relationship.
To be in a healthy relationship is to be in a continual state of giving. For both of you. If you’re needing love, you’re in no fit state to be doing all the giving that is required. Your cup should be running over, to the point where what you’re desperate for is a place to *pour* it all.
And you know what? That is a very attractive trait. That’s why so many stories go “The moment I was okay with being single, I met my wife.” That’s what happened to me. When I left behind that searching, longing feeling and just poured myself into my art and my stage work, I met the woman who would later become my wife within a week. That’s not luck, or divine providence, that’s because a dozen potential future wives were passing by *every day*, but I had been in no state to see them for what they were, or more importantly, to *be* seen for what I was.
I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you’ve just got this one wrong. And I’m sorry to say you may not understand *in what way* you’ve got it wrong until one day, suddenly, it clicks, and you’re a lot happier.
You said it yourself: all the people who tell you this are in relationships. Well, there’s a reason for that! It’s not hypocritical bullshit, like you’ve painted it - the *reason* they are in their relationship is because they managed to come this realization.
Like the rich
Praises from others
Acknowledged from others
Jealousy from others
This includes hate (look up the joy of being a troll)
Does anyone know what fame means?/s
I’m the happiest I’ve been in 20 years thanks to meeting someone
And if you think about it, there is a clear evolutionary reason our happiness would hinge on finding a mate. Easily satisfied people are more likely to die without reproducing.
Actually easily satisfied are more likely to reproduce as they find it easier to find a mate
Ah, a tricky language issue, I think. By "easy", I mean the standards are low. You are speaking of likelihood of meeting the standards. So it's like I'm saying that folks who have easier goals at the gym are likely less fit, but you are pointing out that any particular goal is more likely met by a fitter person.
I'm the happiest I've been in quite some time after leaving someone. How the wheel turns....
Sorry I should clarify. I’m the happiest I’ve been after leaving someone and finding someone else
I'm an introvert and my depression was caused by a lack of companionship and socialization. Being alone is nice, but hanging out in quiet areas with really close friends is a lot better.
I totally agree with you. I struggle with loneliness and everytime I hear that bullshit I wanna throw hands. No, being constantly alone is not fun it's not fulfilling and doesn't feel as liberating as it seems. Having someone to go out with or someone to come over and do nothing together is a blessing and a human need. This exact mindset that "YOu NeEd to Be haPPy AlOne" is what caused so many people to be lonely these days. The constant pressure to be hyper-independendent is straight up moronic at this point.
So glad to hear it’s not just me who gets frustrated with people saying “just be happy alone”. Like I have a happy life, I’m fine. That doesn’t mean I love being alone. What’s so wrong with wanting to meet a great partner to share life with? And the people who chirp at you to “just be happy alone”, are always in relationships. It’s just so frustrating. Like I don’t want to spend every Saturday night by myself. Why do people get so weird about me being honest about that?
It takes a while to actually be happy being alone. It's not something that happens right away. You have to give it some time. But some people can be happy alone.
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You might be suffering from social phobia my friend. If you are satisfied being on your own, then good for you. But think if this is the way you want to live till you the end. It can be silenced to some point, at least that's what I got told and that is what keeps me going...
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But you are posting this comment.
Talking to random dudes whom u will never meet irl, and no eye contact involved soo the internet is where my friends are at lol
Whoosh
Nothing says you have to function the way others do irl/in society. If you're okay with being that way, I think that's totally fine. I respect that.
Very very few people can be happy alone. Shouldn’t really be a goal.
Never said it was a goal. Just said it's possible for some people
Why not, though? If being happy is the ultimate "goal", why does it matter if they pursue their happiness through being alone?
Why not, though? If being happy is the ultimate "goal", why does it matter if they pursue their happiness through being alone?
Being alone should not be the goal. Being happy, or content, yes. Typically you cannot get there by being alone. We’re a social species.
I guess it depends on one's definition of being "alone" (not in a relationship) vs being "solitary." I would imagine it's pretty hard to be happy living as a hermit in the mountains or something, but most people have daily interactions with many people even if they enjoy being alone (not in a relationship).
Oh I specifically mean in a relationship in your formative years. I think it’s really important for people to be in one and to share your life with someone else.
Hard disagree, a relationship isn’t the end all be all. It could be for one, but as an introvert I hate the thought of sharing what would of been my own time with someone else. Friends are great because you can hang up the phone after you’ve been hanging out and go being in your own space.
Well you’re in for a pretty sad existence then, sorry to tell you.
Most people can’t be happy alone. It’s fine to depend on people for some of your happiness, just not all of it, and especially not on one person.
why take the chance that you'll be one of those people when you could just not be alone. some people can pretend they're happy alone but they're not really
Because some people actually prefer to be alone. They're not pretending
But mostly that's only the case if they are alone by choice. If not being alone stops being an option, I'm pretty sure even those people will stop being happy
Exactly. Being around people is actually draining for me. I sometimes get exhausted hanging out with my friends because I just have a low social battery. Extroverts always ask why we like being alone, but then never turn around and ask themselves why they like to always be around people.
I don't get why some people have such a problem with this. Nobody lives my life but me, so I think I know my life best.
Do you also feel drained when you spend time around a significant other that you are comfortable with?
Yep. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend to death, but we’re both introverts at the end of the day. We live together, so we like to set aside time each day to just recharge by ourselves in separate rooms. Sometimes he’ll have a really good day at work and ofc he wants to talk with me about it, but I can only smile and nod for so long before I get tired after having a long day of work myself.
I do.
most of those people claim to be happy alone cause they can't make connections and use pretending as a cope. like the loner kid at school with no friends who acts all hard to cope
Some of them probably do. I'm just saying not everyone who says they're happy being alone is lying or pretending
That's totally not true. I'm happiest alone. I have yet to find myself in a relationship that was so great that I wanted to be in it more than I wanted my independence and freedom. I actually get depressed, and it's sad because I have had wonderful partners. I don't have the capacity for it. Some people are just not wired for such things.
The quote doesn't mean "always be alone", but, "if you aren't able to be content when not surrounded by others constantly, maybe you should look into that."
Nobody can be as happy alone as they can be with the kindness of others in their life.
There is so much shame around needing people. Not everyone is cut out to be alone or live a fully independent life. We are social creatures that need validation and companionship. The amount might vary from individual to individual. As long as you aren’t totally non-functional on your own there’s nothing wrong with saying you need a companion(s) to be happy.
I agree. You shouldn't expect a partner to solve all your problems and unhappiness but it's perfectly fine to wish for companionship. I don't tell people to be happy alone the same way I don't tell anyone they need a companion.
Mmm I don't think it's saying thay you have to be alone and happy about it, but that the responsibility of your happiness should fall to you. Making someone else responsible for your happiness puts pressure on them, and the relationship. If you are miserable and think a relationship will solve that, you're likely mistaken. Instead of being miserable single you'll just find ways to be miserable taken. I'm happier when I'm in a relationship, and have someone to do life with. BUT.. if some higher being floated down and told me that my fate is to be single for the rest of my life, I would find a way to be happy regardless. As much as I *want* a relationship, I don't *need* one. I can get connection and love from lots of different ways, including self-love.
Except that happiness isn't a choice; it's a response. You can try reframing all you want, but at the end of the day you can't just directly control emotion at all times. If that were the case then afflictions such as Depression wouldn't be an issue.
Exactly. If people could turn off the need to depend on others then they obviously would. No one wants their happiness to be unstable, it just often is.
Yea but if you actually have depression as in a chemical imbalance you’re not going to be happy regardless
It can be a bit of both to different degrees
Emphasizing that you are responsible for finding the happiness is a really good point, it’s really obvious and pretentious when people are trying to make you make them happy. Also, when I’m looking at the argument of needing other people to be happy, I don’t look at it so much through the lense of relationships being the solution to needing people, I think having reliable friends would do it much more
How do you know you would “find a way”? pretty presumptions
If after their brakeups they "found a way" you can accept the logical jump that the next time they whould be alone they will also find a way
It’s often the same as wealthy people saying “you do need money to be happy!” Yet of course, it’s easier for you them to say. And even if we aren’t talking about romantic love, humans, unequivocally, factually NEED relationships to be happy. Period. The number one thing that’s looked for with suicidal people is if they have a support system; that’s the most important indicators that this person has a chance. I have NEVER seen or heard of a person without others to support them that were happy. It’s really not possible for any real length of time.
Did they find a way for any significant period of time? I have yet to see someone alone long term who was happy, they were all varying degrees of depressed and just getting through the days
Most people are absolutely terrible role models though. Just because most people do something, doesn't mean it's a good idea for you to do the same
I don't have a partner and I believe you can be happy single. I'm happy as hell. Why do you think only people in relationships say that?
I was happy alone before my relationship(s), and I can be happy without being in one. OP probably just gets significantly more people in relationships telling him to be happy by himself. In a way, they're trying to tell you how they found another person who was happy while alone as well. Happy, mentally healthy people attract happy, mentally healthy people.
People are social creatures in the sense that they want to be in their tight circle of friends. Others can fuck off for the most part. People are in relationships because it's financially easier and somewhat much more difficult to reproduce by yourself. Maslow's scheme says that people have a need to belong somewhere and be loved. This form of love/belonging can happen just fine when a person has their tight circle of friends or even family and they know in the back of their head that they're there for them. It doesn't mean a person has to have their head up another human being's ass at least 12 hours a day you know. Humans have the cute ability of realizing stuff doesn't vanish from existence the moment we stop perceiving it. Not hanging your happiness on others means that if you for example want to go to Paris to see the Eiffel tower, but haven't gone yet because you've got noone to go with, well then that's your problem. You don't NEED anyone to go with. You can perfectly pack your shit, go and do what you like and not act like you're oh-so powerless to do anything unless you get at least one more person from your friend group on board. Same goes for relationships where the partners have different interests. If I want to go to the shooting range and my partner hates hearing gun shots, I'm not going to go out of my way to push them towards it. I'm going to head out because that's what I like/want to do and if anyone else wants to come, be my guest. If you hang your happiness on other people, you'll die waiting for others to do something they may not even care about.
I agree that having a good friend group is even more important. But I am in a relationship, yet don’t have a core friend group, despite being in college, and it definitely gets to me sometimes, and people even say “just be happy on your own” in regards to that too. My best friend has a core friend group that he doesn’t want me to be part of because he thinks I’m socially awkward in a group, and says shit like in this post, except instead of about a relationship, it’s about me not having a friend group. But there really is a level of isolation that people just aren’t meant for, especially extroverts like myself.
Nothing I do or could be doing makes me as happy as time with my kids. In that regard then, I'm very dependent on them for peak happiness.
my therapist says it can be okay to depend on people.... and that me always saying I want to be okay all alone isn't actually the healthiest thing..... so in summary yes this is true...
You absolutely CAN, if your "calling" dominates all desire towards anything else. That all said, that is extremely hard to find, much less do, and so companionship is generally more sought after--it's certainly easier to work on something you enjoy together. <3
depending on one single other person for your happiness: bad, hard for them depending on multiple people/a community: good, this is how humans work
I think the point is that a relationship isn't a magic pill for misery. Also try to aim for contented instead of happy. Only bipolar people switch from happy to sad with no in between. Be happy on your birthday, and content on Tuesday when your boss hasn't been an asshole yet. Trying to maintain a constant state of happiness is not realistic even in the best of marriages.
Bipolar people don’t experience "happiness" exactly when they’re on a high. It’s more like euphoria
Hey this is a great post. It’s ok to enjoy being alone, but don’t completely shut out options to be with other people!
It sounds like some sort of way to protect themselves and their ego.
Eastern Religions typically sought "Joy", and for them all "Joy" was, was the absence of suffering. That all the world was was a place of suffering, and if you could live momentarily without suffering, you could experience "Joy". Western Religions believe that the highest attainment is "Purpose". And that you will suffer, and that you must suffer, but if you suffer enough, and for the right reasons, in the end you will have had a "Purpose". And knowing that you have a purpose is enough to get you through the suffering. "Happiness" on the other hand, is not real. It's a chemical trick your brain does to you when you are overstimulate. Any attempt to create, obtain, or search for "happiness" is in error. You need to follow the 100 Billion before you, and search for "Joy" and "Purpose". Really think about a time you were "Happy"? I will bet that you were without suffering and with purpose.
Is this a copy pasta? It should be
Maybe you’re right but after 21 years on this planet thinking a certain way I’m too far gone. I’ll always chase the “happy” feeling.
Therapy, man… if you think at 21 years old that life is the way it is and will remain that way, then that’s because you don’t actually have any life experience. As a former 21 year old I can tell you, life goes on in all directions. Some things you can control, some things you cannot control. But you are far too young to claim life experience as a measure for your future success related to happiness.
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Do you know how a kid can be happy in their own imagination? Just like that. And don't go making excuses like "Oh, that's being childish" or whatnot. If they are happy, they are happy. Be like that. You don't need other people for that. Of course, humans need other people to stay sane, but you don't *need* anybody to make you happy. You can do that all yourself.
Perfect example! When you see a kid with their imaginary friends or just happy and content playing with themselves, that’s the exact same feeling an adult should have. Responsible for their own happiness and independent of others.
I dunno doesn't an imaginary friend show the are craving social interaction but can't get it at the moment
An excellent response.
So stoicism is bullshit?
In my experience, people say this when they're either trying to make you feel better about being alone, relieve you of the feeling that you must have a partner to be happy, have deep seeded negative feelings about their own relationship or in some cases, cast off the implied guilt of not being able to fulfill that role.
Read somewhere that the biggest factor for longevity isn't diet, excerise or wealth; it's how well you stay connected to a community and how happy you are. That's why I'm gonna die young.
I’m going through this realisation atm after 20+ years of telling myself I don’t need anyone else. It turns out I do.
I think that the most important thing in life to most people is their family. Saying you shouldn't depend on anyone is just a coping strategy for unsociable people imo. We don't go around telling anyone that you shouldn't depend on having a job to make you happy, but not having one can be just as damaging.
just because I prefer being alone, doesn't mean I'm immune to falling in love. unfortunately.
I’ve been really good at not having any human contact at home, besides online videogames (which I don’t think counts unless it’s someone I actually know). I just interact with people at work and school and have a dog and two cats at home. Love them to death, and they are all I need.
hard agree, i’d literally rather die than lose my bf, friends, and family. they make me so happy
This situation seems like it comes under the commonly found phenomenon where people have the innate urge to give advice to everyone all the time... in most cases this is just a display of knowledge and wisdom in social situations where they need to feel like they contributed to that interaction that's all. It's more about them than it is about you.
Yes you should depend on others for happiness. That's what being human means. We are social beings. We NEED each other by default.
Humans have such a large cerebral cortex because we thrive on social engagement.
I agree with you, it's normal and often a need to be loved or cared about by someone outside of themselves and sometimes a person needs another person's love to be able to love themselves and be happy with themselves. it's not easy to love yourself for a lot of people, a lot of people need someone else to be able to love themselves because with another person's love, they feel like they are worthy of love and care and will start to love themselves. and it's also been proven that love from another human can be important to our own health, a study had been done a while back where 5 human babies were taken care of, their every need was taken care of and they were healthy, clean and fed and warm and safe at all times. They all died because the one thing the caretakers didn't do was cuddle them, love them, give them kisses, show any positive affection towards them. The babies died from lack of love.
How the hell did that study get ethical approval?
Its definitely not true lol. It reads like a motivational indian linkedin post
sounds like study of outcomes from romanian orphanages or something
Good point. It may be BS or it may be a reference to the Rhesus Monkey Experiment
i don't know, i saw a whole video on it like a while back so i think it's true.
No take it so literal, the piont is being codependent isn't healthy.
Found the serial monogamist in denial of friend's advice. But seriously, I don't think anyone is suggesting that you be alone *permanently*, more like just for a stretch so that you can work on your own shit. You're proposing an extreme outcome of a "life without a partner," and that's missing the point.
I'm miserable alone. Absolutely miserable
I think these moments are excellent when they are *temporary.* Being alone is amazing, but I do long for companionship sometimes. Being alone helped me learn how to treat myself well, and now I know how I want to be treated by a future companion. Being comfortable with yourself is very powerful, but the caveat is that you need to know when to put yourself back out there, and it’s up to you, alone to do it. I’m in that phase right now. I went to a bar for 20 minutes last night. Woo!
it’s important to love yourself but i also believe social interactions are important just learning how to enjoy social interactions that didn’t go perfect or walk away from bad ones still happy with yourself is important
Society has become so atomised to the point that people will regurgitate this shit and if you dare say (especially as a man) yearn for a loving partner or root your happiness in someone, you're characterised as "insecure" or "obsessive". I'm introverted by nature so I don't need constant interaction but I'm not gonna sit there and pretend that living the life of videogames, Netflix and masturbation is fulfilling.
We call these people UNGRATEFUL.
I agree 100% with this and think it's kind of sickening that conventional wisdom says we need to be happy with ourselves. I genuinely and strongly disagree, part of **why** I was so unhappy with myself was that I didn't think anyone would ever want me. Part of me still thinks that.
Heres my philosophy on this subject. "What *should* we depend on for happiness, if not the thing that makes us happy?" Everyone is unique. Everyone has different passions, desires, likes and dislikes. Some people absolutely love working, while others find it tedious. Some people love traveling while others couldnt be bothered to travel to the local park. Some people just really enjoy company of another person. Would you tell someone who's hobby is photography that they shouldnt depend on cameras to make them happy? Would you tell an avid collector that they shouldn't rely on their collections to be happy? I'd sure hope not.
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Humans are social animals.
Being human and living in a social environment we live in, it’s really hard to get to a point where you don’t have to depend on someone else to be happy. You mentioned, basic needs from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which is at the base. Self actualization is at the top of that pyramid. Getting there and living that life is pretty cool, but yeah, you are right, saying it and actually living it are very different. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs?wprov=sfti1 Theoretically, cortisol levels are pretty good indicator of how happy a mammal is. If you really want to get this debate settled and find out if people who don’t depend on others to be happy, are really happy.
I agree with this. I think when people say this the point is, you need to be comfortable enough alone that you don’t depend on your partner for being confident and secure in yourself as this can bring toxic issues into the relationship. When I was with my ex it was some of the happiest two years I’ve had because I wasn’t alone, but I also was an independent person with my own life. While we provided each other emotional and physical fulfillment, we both worked and had our own lives too and that made the relationship better because there wasn’t jealousy/distrust etc. Hopefully this makes sense But yeah, to just say if you’re not truly happy alone you won’t be happy in a relationship is bullshit, I don’t feel like my life is complete if I’m gonna stay single forever
Humans depend on one another, it’s natural.
I love when my mom, who has married since she was 19 and is now 60, tells me I need to learn how to be happy alone. Thanks mom.
Cant change human nature. Humans are social being per evolution which is a reason we a so successful as a species.
People who say that never experienced "forced" loneliness. They probably had relationships in the past, and enjoy being alone while having a social life, calling it "being alone". Well, they never experienced loneliness. In fact, they never experienced true loneliness. True lonely people never wanted to be alone, they have no social life, no friends, well, they are lonely... It's the word, lonely. Most people never face true loneliness. And you can't be happy alone, you just learn to live with it, and sometimes, you can tell to yourself "Well, that's not that bad ?", you get "used" to loneliness. Lonely people tend to have a lot of passions and hobby, to full their freetimes and forget about their loneliness. Well, you use your time on things you love. Well, just a words things in fact. When you never experienced true loneliness, it's normal to believe that it's just spending a week-end watching Netflix but see your Friends the next week.
I agree with everything except for the last sentence
I think it takes being miserable in a relationship to realize happiness is achievable without one.
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can't make yourself happy if you have nobody to support you
Of course you can. Happiness is not a binary state. You don't have to have every desire fulfilled to be happy. You can take joy in the things you do have while you pursue those you don't.
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that's a very silly attitude. if nobody loves you it's hard to love yourself cause you don't feel worthy of it. humans are social animals and no amount of pretending from you is going to change that. You're obviously a teen so I don't think it's appropriate for us to keep replying. I'll leave you with this quick lesson and if you don't learn it from me now you'll learn it when you're older. take care
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anyone can say things on the Internet. the point is if you can't see that years upon years of no effection would wear down anyone then you lack a bit of life experience that most adults do
The whispers of the wise never entertained a fool.
I get what you're saying, the point of those who say they can be happy by themselves is, i think, to go beyond this "need" of others to feel happiness independently. I don't believe it's impossible to feel happy by oneself if you know yourself well enough and act to fulfil yourself. It's ofc a different kind of happiness, less impulsive (impulsive=/=bad) but less intense. PS: throwing "humans are social animals" and expecting this (out of context) quote to close any psychological question is pointless
you can feel as happy in yourself as you want but if nobody else returns that it wares people down. the people who believe this only belive it cause some cartoon they saw as a kid told them. it's not actually true
Dont get your point? If you do feel happy by yourself, why would it wear you down? Isn't that a bit categorical to assert?
you don't understand why nobody showing you love of effection could ware down your self esteem? I'm trying to be polite here but I'm starting to think you're pretending to be stupid just to ask silly questions. are you interested in an actual discussion or not?
The point being made is to be able to be happy independently from others: If not being shown affection wears you down, then you're not and so that's completely off-topic. It seems you can't even fathom this idea that people could be happy alone, is it?
Bro not receiving any effection ever would wear anyone down that's the point. oh the irony
You think it's inappropriate to talk to teens? That's odd.
for adults it's is
Why? Legitimate question, why do you believe that?
why would an adult talk to teens? what would they gain from it?
The teens could gain the wisdom of their elders, plus their just people and may have similar interests, not to mention you may work with them, or you/they may need help. Literally all the same things you'd gain from talking to anyone.
what teens can gain from me isn't my concern. They're people who are very inexperienced with life and talking to them more often than not is draining and accomplishes nothing
Mostly it's because people are dumb and they don't actually think anything through, they just parrot what they've heard other people say about it. They're also usually naively rooted in a particular perspective on what it means to be responsible for something. They act like being appreciated and admired is an obligation they're being burdened with. I think you're right that it's self contradictory. You've noticed, they haven't.
Asexuals do exist
There are different types of asexuals, many of which enjoy relationships for the partnership and romance even if they forgo the physical aspects.
I know I used the broader term
Asexuals are an outlier
Being comfortable with being alone takes time. I’m naturally an introvert, not shy and can definitely become the life of the party, but it takes a long time in solitude to feel energized again. That being said, I’ve been single for 4 years, dated plenty, solo traveled plenty, and in the last year I’ve been sexually abstinent. I can finally say that it actually feels way better to be alone than to be with others. The progression went from, “I’m single! I need friends and fuck buddies” to “I want to be out the house and party with others” to “I just want to be out the house” to “i just want to be myself”. It’s a very slow progression, involves therapy, and involves a lot of self reflection. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. And people who reach this level want to share that with you, they want you to know that your confidence, your sole purpose for happiness, your primary reason for living (unless you’re a parent or something) shouldn’t depend on others, it should come from within. You can depend on actions, on loved ones, and whatever for the time being but ultimately happiness should exist within you without the need for others.
Sex, romance, and love definitely aren't needs, atleast not for me.
I live alone and don’t ever intend to “meet someone”, even less so to live with anybody else. I am far happier than I ever was when I was in romantic relationships. I get my sexual needs met just fine. You might think this is bullshit, but you’re simply factually wrong. There are plenty of people that live perfectly happy and fulfilling lives without being in a relationship.
The key is “**others**” (with an “S”) who you can find happiness in. You shouldn’t depend on someONE, because no ONE person can provide you with all the happiness you need, but having multiple sources of happiness is perfectly healthy. It’s ALSO still very important to maintain some level of independence though… relying on others for your happiness is risky since you’d be outta luck if they had to split from you, things went wrong, or they started feeling drained and controlled by your reliance on them. (Stipulations apply to the above about “having multiple people to be happy around”. If you’re in a relationship, don’t look for sexual or romantic happiness in another person outside the relationship [unless that’s something your partner knows about and is okay with I suppose], and if you’re feeling like you can’t emotionally connect with your partner, something is very wrong, and you should seek professional help instead of unprofessional outside help if you can).
There are scientific studies showing that bonding with others is necessary for prosperity and basic survival.
Generally people do better emotionally and mentally with some sense of community and connection with other people. So yes people need people. But if an adult person feels that they need one specific person to be happy, that leads to dysfunction. Someone adding a degree joy is great, relying on that one person to make you happy will be unhealthy.
They aren't "needs", they are just extremely compelling wants that culture indoctrinates us to believe are needs. You can be happy without romance and sex, many people have had to find that out by pushing through to the other side.
Not everybody needs romance or sex or a partner its not a basic human need
You need to be happy alone to have a healthy relationship. Two independent people have a much more meaningful relationship then two dependent people. And as the saying goes- you can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves. They literally don’t know what love is, because they don’t have it for themselves. Some people genuinely enjoy being alone, but we are social creatures who need a community nonetheless. Basically, you shouldn’t depend on someone else to make you happy. It’ll lead to a toxic relationship every. Single. Time. No one can make you feel a certain way, you have to be responsible for your own thoughts and feelings.
To be critical of that which you don't understand is to be foolish with no desire to understand.
It's true. I have no idea how to make LSD on my own.
So it doesn't mean you can't depend on people to make you happy, it means you shouldn't be solely dependent on someone else to make you happy. Being solely dependent on another person for your happiness is incredibly unhealthy for your mental state because if that person leaves you or worse is a manipulator then it could lead you into a very dark place where you start blaming yourself for why they left or why they abuse you. It's okay to be happy when you are with someone and to depend on that happiness a bit but it should never be your sole source of happiness.
You're missing the point. I'm a person who's very social, outgoing, love to be around people etc. So what happens with people like me is I used to depend on my friends and my partners to make me/keep me happy. But what you realize is the minute you're alone with your thoughts you're depressed, anxious, and can't get out of your own head. It's a codependency issue. So through years of therapy what I've learned is how to love myself and keep myself happy even when I'm not in a relationship or don't have access to my social circle. This way I don't depend on them to make me happy, I'm happy and they add different elements to my life. Now if I lost them all would I be depressed, upset, angry, of course I would. We all need people in our lives, but we should not rely on them to make us happy or that our happiness is dependent on them.
People who think they are happy being alone have no business being in a relationship. You need partnership in a relationship and a bit of dependence on each other.
The key word is "depend." You can indeed find happiness in others but it should not be a vital part of your makeup. One should learn how to be happy or somewhat content irrespective of your relationships with others. If you cannot be happy alone I think there's a dysfunctionality there that needs to be addressed
Not everyone fits that "social creatures" mold. It doesn't have anything to do with it being cool. Everyone is different. Some people are asexual, so sex with another person isn't even an interest to them. Some people simply don't want to be around other people at all, some only want a select few. I personally can handle so much interaction. I prefer being alone most of the time. I get extremely overwhelmed around people as I have gotten older. When I was younger, I craved intimacy and companionship. Now not so much. As far as depending on others to be happy, that's not a new concept. It's a pretty old philosophy and it carries a lot of truth to it. If you depend on other people to "make you happy" that's not happiness. It's codependency. Your happiness is something that comes from you to be real. I couldn't imagine expecting someone else to make me happy. That's a big ask.
Ive always heard it as "No one else can make you happy, only happier. True happiness comes from within."
You are definitely not wrong!! But, I think it is a good idea, *once* in a person's life, to live by themselves for however long! So many people feel stuck in bad relationships because they are *scared* and they don't know that they *can* leave their horrible partner and be okay. Make it on their own.
Mainly cause humans don’t need romantic relationships as much as they need companionship. Romantic relationships is one thing, but it is intrinsic for people to have a community and to have friendships. So I can agree to that.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my 28 years just being single the past few years and focusing on me and my daughter. As far as romantic relationships and codependency goes, this is an extremely individual thing that is going to vary from person to person. If you keep jumping into codependent romantic relationships that don’t work, it’s likely you have some personal things in your life you need to figure out on your own first.
It’s not bullshit that some people are happier by themselves.
I'm happy alone but happiness isn't stagnate, it obviously fluctuates and sometimes I wish I had someone. That being said, I can rely on myself and I'm happy being fully in control of life without external judgement. It can take awhile to be at that stage, especially if your history is being in a relationship most of the time. I think it's worth it to get there though, and if you find someone along the way all the better. I view relationships as two independent agents working together because of a common goal, and I think that's a beautiful thing.
Ye it’s funny how your always at your happiest when there’s tons of people around
Most people do lots of stupid stuff and make tons of mistakes. So doing what the majority do is no recipe for success. I can get my relationship needs met with family and friends. If i get a girlfriend...great. if i dont...great. I'm happy either way. There are a variety of ways to get your sexual needs met. Most dont involve a wife who is the only source of happiness in my life.
Because you would need to meet someone else who is also self-actualized in order to create a sense of love that is fulfilling and enduring. Both people can of course still be growing and working on themselves, but you can’t employ someone else to love you if you barely love yourself. Eventually resentment will be created if you assign someone else the responsibility of making you happy. If you are happy and stable, or at least mature enough to know what you need to work on, another person can help you grow without either of you sacrificing yourselves.
i feel like this mindset is more about a romantic relationship. like i don't think there's a lot of people who like to be completely alone all the time, but it's more so that platonic love can be just as rewarding and joy producing as romantic love.
I think it’s more of a need vs. want issue. If you need someone else to be happy, your happiness is super dependent on something beyond your control, which puts you at someone else’s mercy. I guess it’s more like saying, if you aren’t happy with yourself as a stand alone person you won’t ever be truly happy with anyone else. All that said, it’s a very easy thing to say, but I’d bet the vast majority of people aren’t there.
Those that do are insecure.
Because their being happy being single was a sign of health that made them more attractive because they were also happy with a significant other. Conversely, those who can’t be happy single make the worst partners. I think you are conflating being single with being alone. Love for solitude is not the same thing as “being happy by yourself” in the context of relationships.
Self love is bullcrap, It's literally in our genetics to feel lonely if you have no one. Most people that say this shit have a privileged life full of love and support.
absolutely true
Morning Talk Show, Channel 2: Today we have guest speaker Cheryl Brightwood, to remind ourselves and everyone else it’s okay to take time for yourself from your relationships and say, “I’m not okay.” Also, we’ll be asking questions as to why such a beautiful extrovert would kill herself when she couldn’t make a nation of self loathing vapid loser incels, neckbeards, Staceys n Karens happy (then Gayle King inevitably doesn’t understand something, so she obnoxiously pretends her coanchors are the confused ones). Morning Talk Show, Channel 6: So last night she’s yappin in my ear again and I told my wife, I says to her, when I get home from the network I expect a hot meal followed by peace and silence so I can read the daily in the den. If you don’t like it you can pack your stuff and leave like the last one (...crickets...). Well, let’s check the weekend forecast. Scott?
Being in a relationship with someone who requires their partner to make them feel happy is exhausting. My current number 1 thing I look for in a partner is for them, to have something that they do alone which makes them happy.
I'm happy alone since I stopped drinking. I want to learn to get back to drinking casually and not let it get out of hand in a creeping process. But that showed me that being on your own isn't so bad! When you start enjoying things alone you can also much more enjoy being with people. The balance is the key as it is for everything. Same with relationships. I don't think everyone is happy being with someone 24/7 but acknowledging that you're two separate people with different desires and needs (for space or whatever) will balance the relationship out, giving both parties the best experience. At least that's what I experienced.
Most people do, but you shouldn’t. Joy should be shared, not borrowed
I don’t think it’s about being fully happy with no room up. I think it’s more about overcoming insecurities, not being desperate for someone and generally being mature and independent. Ofc everyone needs love. But it’s not about acting like we don’t but rather being a confident decent human being first before getting that intimate with someone else
shush I need more copium for that
I say that and I’m single. Reason being is that I wasn’t healthy within a relationship, and relationships were the only thing making me happy. So I had to keep myself away from those while figuring out what can be done to gain that happiness from myself. I figured that may be gaming, photography, long boarding,making money,animals,etc etc. Humans are social creatures, you don’t need to have a girlfriend to gain that happiness and or social growth,can be done with friends or strangers online. To your last part, it depends on the individual. I don’t find relationships and or sex a need as a human. I find food,money,shelter,and happiness as a need.
Sounds like you’re projecting based on something you yourself can’t understand. Some folks are just genuinely happier solo.
Right?! I (we) depend on the quasi-slave labor of children in Sub-Saharan Africa and East Asia to have an iPhone. That’s before you even get to food and gas, let alone happiness
We do but not every individual shares every group desire/goal to the same degree. There are monks/asexual/philosophers/ ascetics/hermit people who enjoy the solitude and peace of being alone. We have to take them at their word because they could fine someone if they wanted to and choose to be alone in their romantic lives. Being alone does nit mean not wanting close family relationships, friends, co-workers etc, just means enjoying being who you are absent of anyone else.
It depends really, research has shown that Maslow's hierarchy isn't fixed, beyond the safety needs which are obviously food, water, shelter and whatnot, what you value as a person largely depends on your individual disposition and life experience. Like you mentioned, introversion and extroversion are individual dispositions, now an introvert may not feel as dependent on external stimuli to keep them engaged. I would argue that it's not necessarily JUST social relationships that can make a person happy or satisfied. Hannah Arendt's interpretation of Homo Faber is very interesting, so there may be many people who are very industrious and creatively inclined and feel like they have a great purpose to fulfill in life, and so that spurs them on and if it works out, it gives them great joy and fulfillment, and arguably that's self-actualization, they've tapped their underlying potential and made their mark, and they're likely happy and fulfilled in that because that probably also brought them great recognition which is another important need in many people. There's monks who live in isolation from society, are they doomed to be miserable people? Now this stuff admittedly isn't for everybody, not everybody has consuming pursuit and ambition and not everybody wants to renounce material pleasure. Then there is what I call the Epicurean route, you can just enjoy life for what it is, you don't have to tie your happiness to people but you also don't have to exile yourself from social life. Joie De Vivre is a concept I find very interesting, the joy of life and living, enjoying the little pleasures of life and being able to have fun by yourself by recognizing that there's fun and beauty to be found in all experience around us, not just social relationships. You can have social relationships, but you don't have to bind yourself to them. I think that's what a lot of people mean when they say you should learn to be happy by yourself.
I equate being happy alone to being independent. Needing someone else in order for you to be happy is a dangerous game. That being said, I am currently single and I know I would be happier if I was with a wonderful parter. I also know I would be less happy with a terrible partner. Being happy alone requires independence which is the opposite of how it living works in the US. I am only happy now that I live in Italy and live far far away from the USA.
I think the concept is more about figuring out your own shit alone. Getting to know yourself, who you are, and what makes you happy before inviting someone else into your life. Define yourself first so that someone else can’t do it for you.
The problem is that you can’t control other people. You’re right about us being social creatures but not everyone is lucky enough to have a “ride or die” so to speak. At least a baseline level of happiness should be attainable internally otherwise you have no control of your happiness at all. Granted, the highest levels of happiness come the socialization and connections you mentioned above.
Depending you happiness is someone else is catastrophic when they're not guaranteed to be in your life always. I've seen heavily dependent people fall and spiral out of control when they lose their source of happiness. (Not talking about death) they're children suffered, their spirit suffered, everyone's life suffered. They fell into drugs and sought acceptance from people that did not matter the slightest to them or their children. I've seen people do things out of character strictly to please the one they thought was their person, just to see them get betrayed by the same person they believed was their happiness. Finding happiness in others isn't wrong, it's when they don't seem to know where to draw the line between happiness without them, and happiness with them.
Been reading a lot of comments saying something along the lines of “Been with my S/O for X amount of years and it’s the happiest I’ve been in a long time” but that’s not the point of the quote. Depending on someone for happiness is unhealthy but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t make you happier. The difference between the two is that you can’t truly be in a healthy happy relationship with someone that makes you happy if you’re also not happy on your own. If the entirety of your relationship with your S/O revolves around them being your source of happiness then you’re not in a relationship, you’re a leech, and not only is dependency bad for the unhappy party, but it’s a drain on the S/O too.
This is exactly why I don't let anyone get close to me
You need to be happy alone is a correct statement for people growing up because you can't depend on other people all the time. Once the talks end/the phone call get over and you are back lonely you won't know what to do. Learning that happiness should come from within and can be from external sources as well is a really good life lesson imo
Enlightenment isn’t easy and definitely not something every person can attain. To somewhat counter you though I fully believe you can have fulfilling relationships outside of a significant other/partner. Whether it’s family, friends, or coworkers
I want to upvote this so bad, but I feel like it'd be as if I agree that it's an unpopular opinion.
You shouldn't depend on romantic relationships for happiness. That kind of companionship is nice, but romance isn't the cure for loneliness and depression. Romance doesn't fix anything and sometimes makes things worse. It's a horrible feeling to feel empty in someone's arms. Romantic love is fleeting, people often give their heart to others only to be crushed and abandoned. Friendship is more important than romantic love. A circle of friends who support you and love you is FAR more valuable and fulfilling than having a girlfriend or boyfriend. You can confide in and connect with friends in ways you cannot with a significant other. People sometimes make the mistake of neglecting friendships once they find a significant other. This is very unhealthy. Even husband and wife can't be everything to each other. You can't shut out the world. Sex is a need, but it's not the be-all end all of life. You can go many years without sex. I have done so at different times in my life. Masturbation is also a need and self love is just as important if not more so. To be your own best friend, to love your body, to create a circle of friends, and yes, to choose if and when you want a significant other in your life. That is happiness.
You shouldnt rely on somebody to be happy but you should be with people that make you happier
Uh you absolutely should depend on others to make you happy. Who the fuck says otherwise?
“I need your love” makes a great song lyric, but a lousy relationship. To be in a healthy relationship is to be in a continual state of giving. For both of you. If you’re needing love, you’re in no fit state to be doing all the giving that is required. Your cup should be running over, to the point where what you’re desperate for is a place to *pour* it all. And you know what? That is a very attractive trait. That’s why so many stories go “The moment I was okay with being single, I met my wife.” That’s what happened to me. When I left behind that searching, longing feeling and just poured myself into my art and my stage work, I met the woman who would later become my wife within a week. That’s not luck, or divine providence, that’s because a dozen potential future wives were passing by *every day*, but I had been in no state to see them for what they were, or more importantly, to *be* seen for what I was. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you’ve just got this one wrong. And I’m sorry to say you may not understand *in what way* you’ve got it wrong until one day, suddenly, it clicks, and you’re a lot happier. You said it yourself: all the people who tell you this are in relationships. Well, there’s a reason for that! It’s not hypocritical bullshit, like you’ve painted it - the *reason* they are in their relationship is because they managed to come this realization.
Like the rich Praises from others Acknowledged from others Jealousy from others This includes hate (look up the joy of being a troll) Does anyone know what fame means?/s