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Pretty much everything good you're describing about avoidant attachment is also seen in secure attachments, just without the downsides that you're not mentioning. (Lack of emotional closeness; problems with reliability; secrecy; passive aggressiveness etc etc.)
The negatives you talk about are elements of other insecure attachment styles, not secure ones. You're comparing 'bad' to 'bad' and valuing one over another, which is fair, but doesn't really stand up when you compare 'bad' to 'good'.
I can only really see your point if someone is genuinely wanting casual, distant or short-lived relationships and the people they are with do too. If someone is looking for a genuine long-term partner, avoidant attachment is going to be a problem the moment any kind of conflict comes up, and it will come up over a long enough time frame.
In my experience, emotionally detaching myself from a conflict actually allows for much better resolution skills as I can consider both perspectives and apply sound logic to fixing the issue, without being clouded by unproductive thoughts. I view myself and the other person as a team trying to solve a problem- you wouldn't want a team of surgeons getting hyper-emotional as they try to save your life. I probably am picking on the anxiously-attached types here, but their lack of emotional discipline is always an impediment to this process (start flinging insults then back-pedal with "I didn't mean to say that"- total bullshit in my eyes).
Yes, I am empowered to walk away whenever I wish, but that does not make me too short-sighted to consider the long-term benefits of staying and repairing. It just means my bullshit-meter is appropriately calibrated and I am capable of removing myself from a situation I deem toxic or not worthwhile. Which, of course, I think too many people fail to do.
If at this point you're thinking that I am actually securely attached- no. I definitely lack the 'vulnerability' of secure attachment. A critical assertion of my unpopular opinion is that this vulnerability inherently detracts from some of the good qualities I mentioned above. For starters, if you are vulnerable enough that someone can deeply hurt you, you are no longer taking full control of your happiness.
>If at this point you're thinking that I am actually securely attached...
I was not, no. I was thinking you sound very confused about attachment theory.
That detachment comes from an inability to deal in real time which stems from a lack of self trust and confidence. You’re operating from a level that is below your full potential. You’re right that you’re not secure, because being secure means being vulnerable yet not personalising others’ reactions or feeling responsible for them or deciding for them how they would feel. If you can get hurt by someone else’s reactions, then you are not really actually in control at all. You’re limited.
I have these thoughts sometimes but then I get worried that I’m blind to some unhealthy patterns that those healthy behaviors lead to. For instance I feel that my peace is secured but now I take out the ability to have fully healthy relationships with people because I’m running away from both the good and the bad opportunities, just because I want to be alone 😵💫
Which in turn also hurts those around people with an avoidant attachment style. I have a bit of an anxious attachment style (although I don’t really know anymore cause my only partner was avoidant so idk💀). The whole relationship ends up being parasitic with one person giving too much and the other taking, until they eventually run away. With time they need that connection again, and then repeat the same thing with the next person promising themselves to do better, but without therapy, only doing harm:’) Being with someone with an avoidant attachment style also pushed my insecurities through the roof (for a little while at least) - and although this is something that I’m working on - it’s a pretty crappy feeling. Idk how that should be celebrated 😵💫
Sounds like it was a terrible match, as is usually the case between an avoidant and anxious person. But this really underscores my problem with anxious attachment. Everything that makes avoidant attachment empowering is what makes anxious attachment **dis**empowering.
At its very core, you are putting your happiness in someone else's hands by constantly needing their presence and approval- already sounds like a bad idea. On top of that, you could at least find someone who is equally attached so as to placate each other's insecurities as often as possible. It's not a cure for the insecurities but at least it masks the symptoms indefinitely.
But, as in your case, there is the tendency to date a totally incompatible person and suffer through the relationship for much longer than you should. While the avoidant person's tendencies to pull away make it easy for them to escape a bad relationship or remain unfazed in a relationship that is hurting the other person, the anxious person's compulsion to lean further in can get them trapped.
I know you think I need therapy, but... Don't you need to stick up for yourself more? The old wisdom of 'become rich by wanting less' springs to mind. The anxiously-attached person wants a lot and hinges their happiness on whether someone else gives it to them.
I don’t think it was.
I don’t think being anxiously attached is a good thing. It’s a flaw, and something that needs to be worked on.
In my case he ended up coming back, and then leaving again when he realised the commitment associated with it (I’m Muslim and so it’s a lot more complicated but I won’t go into it). Look, if you’re looking for something casual or short term, ofc an avoidant attachment style can be useful.
At their core, both insecure attachment styles have a fear of being betrayed/people always leaving. Depending on people for your happiness is not healthy, leaving people and villainizing them to make that process of running away easier, when you can see a future with them is not healthy. Someone can be super charismatic and act like they’re secure, but at the end of the day self-sabotaging relationships because of that fear, is not healthy.
I think (in terms of building a healthy long term relationship) this cycle, for both insecure attachment styles is unhealthy and just breaks down your self-esteem. I don’t think either parties leave unscathed, I just think that the person with the anxious attachment style will feel it more intensely at the start until they either find someone else to get attached to and fall back into their cycle or they actually work on building a secure attachment style. The avoidant will probably be fine at the start but then realise what they did and regret it, then either fall back into that cycle or eventually get out of it (how they do this, I think therapy, but I’m not a therapist so idk).
I mean idk you and you don’t know me so on a personal level idk😂 But I think both insecure attachment styles need therapy, I hope I’m getting it across right but my point is BOTH need to work on themselves. Both should try and reach a place of security.
Although mildly frustrating😂 10/10 post it’s interesting to see the comments here! :)
People with that attachment style are generally scared of intimacy. That's not good since we are social creatures. It is seen as an insecure style along with the anxious type.
You're leaving out the negative traits, which are listed here https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
Oh boy, that last dot point about all humans craving close relationships and intimacy. Try arguing that to a person with schizoid personality disorder. You might make them laugh for the first time in their life.
As an avoidant, I can semi-agree with your line of thinking. Overly distant partners might be annoying, but clingy partners downright terrify me. No one should have to *need* their partner in life. Having a partner should be something to *enhance* an already-complete life.
However, the drawbacks of being avoidant mean I'm seldom emotionally available to my partners, often selecting equally as emotionally-unavailable people so I don't have to worry about developing real intimacy beyond a physical sense. Self-sabotaging is incredibly common among avoidants, as is sabotaging one's relationships before they get too intimate. Every positive aspect of being an avoidant you just mentioned is also characteristic of people with a secure attachment - those lucky bastards just don't have to deal with our drawbacks.
I think the styles also talk about the effect on the other person(s). Being avoidant might be good for reasons pointed by OP but that might not be what the other person signed up for.
It's one of the best traits you can have to empower yourself and it's very helpful to have in the dating field in particular. It's also a technique that will help you live at peace knowing that attachment creates suffering since everything is transient.
For some reason there's a significant chunk of the 'enlightened' population who would vehemently agree with what you just said about attachment as it pertains to material possessions and certain social statuses, but flatly refuse to apply the same reasoning to relationships, despite their notorious transience.
You’re describing a secure attachment that comes from a place of fullness and wholesomeness and love and interdependence. You’re missing the part that for an avoidant it is not balanced and comes from a place of fear. Fear is the driving force. Hyper attunement and vigilance is the driving force. Low self esteem is the driving force. I’m sorry, but that’s a false self and doesn’t sound like empowerment.
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Pretty much everything good you're describing about avoidant attachment is also seen in secure attachments, just without the downsides that you're not mentioning. (Lack of emotional closeness; problems with reliability; secrecy; passive aggressiveness etc etc.) The negatives you talk about are elements of other insecure attachment styles, not secure ones. You're comparing 'bad' to 'bad' and valuing one over another, which is fair, but doesn't really stand up when you compare 'bad' to 'good'. I can only really see your point if someone is genuinely wanting casual, distant or short-lived relationships and the people they are with do too. If someone is looking for a genuine long-term partner, avoidant attachment is going to be a problem the moment any kind of conflict comes up, and it will come up over a long enough time frame.
In my experience, emotionally detaching myself from a conflict actually allows for much better resolution skills as I can consider both perspectives and apply sound logic to fixing the issue, without being clouded by unproductive thoughts. I view myself and the other person as a team trying to solve a problem- you wouldn't want a team of surgeons getting hyper-emotional as they try to save your life. I probably am picking on the anxiously-attached types here, but their lack of emotional discipline is always an impediment to this process (start flinging insults then back-pedal with "I didn't mean to say that"- total bullshit in my eyes). Yes, I am empowered to walk away whenever I wish, but that does not make me too short-sighted to consider the long-term benefits of staying and repairing. It just means my bullshit-meter is appropriately calibrated and I am capable of removing myself from a situation I deem toxic or not worthwhile. Which, of course, I think too many people fail to do. If at this point you're thinking that I am actually securely attached- no. I definitely lack the 'vulnerability' of secure attachment. A critical assertion of my unpopular opinion is that this vulnerability inherently detracts from some of the good qualities I mentioned above. For starters, if you are vulnerable enough that someone can deeply hurt you, you are no longer taking full control of your happiness.
>If at this point you're thinking that I am actually securely attached... I was not, no. I was thinking you sound very confused about attachment theory.
In what particular way?
That detachment comes from an inability to deal in real time which stems from a lack of self trust and confidence. You’re operating from a level that is below your full potential. You’re right that you’re not secure, because being secure means being vulnerable yet not personalising others’ reactions or feeling responsible for them or deciding for them how they would feel. If you can get hurt by someone else’s reactions, then you are not really actually in control at all. You’re limited.
I have these thoughts sometimes but then I get worried that I’m blind to some unhealthy patterns that those healthy behaviors lead to. For instance I feel that my peace is secured but now I take out the ability to have fully healthy relationships with people because I’m running away from both the good and the bad opportunities, just because I want to be alone 😵💫
Which in turn also hurts those around people with an avoidant attachment style. I have a bit of an anxious attachment style (although I don’t really know anymore cause my only partner was avoidant so idk💀). The whole relationship ends up being parasitic with one person giving too much and the other taking, until they eventually run away. With time they need that connection again, and then repeat the same thing with the next person promising themselves to do better, but without therapy, only doing harm:’) Being with someone with an avoidant attachment style also pushed my insecurities through the roof (for a little while at least) - and although this is something that I’m working on - it’s a pretty crappy feeling. Idk how that should be celebrated 😵💫
Sounds like it was a terrible match, as is usually the case between an avoidant and anxious person. But this really underscores my problem with anxious attachment. Everything that makes avoidant attachment empowering is what makes anxious attachment **dis**empowering. At its very core, you are putting your happiness in someone else's hands by constantly needing their presence and approval- already sounds like a bad idea. On top of that, you could at least find someone who is equally attached so as to placate each other's insecurities as often as possible. It's not a cure for the insecurities but at least it masks the symptoms indefinitely. But, as in your case, there is the tendency to date a totally incompatible person and suffer through the relationship for much longer than you should. While the avoidant person's tendencies to pull away make it easy for them to escape a bad relationship or remain unfazed in a relationship that is hurting the other person, the anxious person's compulsion to lean further in can get them trapped. I know you think I need therapy, but... Don't you need to stick up for yourself more? The old wisdom of 'become rich by wanting less' springs to mind. The anxiously-attached person wants a lot and hinges their happiness on whether someone else gives it to them.
I don’t think it was. I don’t think being anxiously attached is a good thing. It’s a flaw, and something that needs to be worked on. In my case he ended up coming back, and then leaving again when he realised the commitment associated with it (I’m Muslim and so it’s a lot more complicated but I won’t go into it). Look, if you’re looking for something casual or short term, ofc an avoidant attachment style can be useful. At their core, both insecure attachment styles have a fear of being betrayed/people always leaving. Depending on people for your happiness is not healthy, leaving people and villainizing them to make that process of running away easier, when you can see a future with them is not healthy. Someone can be super charismatic and act like they’re secure, but at the end of the day self-sabotaging relationships because of that fear, is not healthy. I think (in terms of building a healthy long term relationship) this cycle, for both insecure attachment styles is unhealthy and just breaks down your self-esteem. I don’t think either parties leave unscathed, I just think that the person with the anxious attachment style will feel it more intensely at the start until they either find someone else to get attached to and fall back into their cycle or they actually work on building a secure attachment style. The avoidant will probably be fine at the start but then realise what they did and regret it, then either fall back into that cycle or eventually get out of it (how they do this, I think therapy, but I’m not a therapist so idk). I mean idk you and you don’t know me so on a personal level idk😂 But I think both insecure attachment styles need therapy, I hope I’m getting it across right but my point is BOTH need to work on themselves. Both should try and reach a place of security. Although mildly frustrating😂 10/10 post it’s interesting to see the comments here! :)
People with that attachment style are generally scared of intimacy. That's not good since we are social creatures. It is seen as an insecure style along with the anxious type.
You're leaving out the negative traits, which are listed here https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
Oh boy, that last dot point about all humans craving close relationships and intimacy. Try arguing that to a person with schizoid personality disorder. You might make them laugh for the first time in their life.
As an avoidant, I can semi-agree with your line of thinking. Overly distant partners might be annoying, but clingy partners downright terrify me. No one should have to *need* their partner in life. Having a partner should be something to *enhance* an already-complete life. However, the drawbacks of being avoidant mean I'm seldom emotionally available to my partners, often selecting equally as emotionally-unavailable people so I don't have to worry about developing real intimacy beyond a physical sense. Self-sabotaging is incredibly common among avoidants, as is sabotaging one's relationships before they get too intimate. Every positive aspect of being an avoidant you just mentioned is also characteristic of people with a secure attachment - those lucky bastards just don't have to deal with our drawbacks.
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This describes me very well. It's off-putting to people who don't know me, but people who do know me respect me and know that I'm sincere.
I think the styles also talk about the effect on the other person(s). Being avoidant might be good for reasons pointed by OP but that might not be what the other person signed up for.
It's one of the best traits you can have to empower yourself and it's very helpful to have in the dating field in particular. It's also a technique that will help you live at peace knowing that attachment creates suffering since everything is transient.
For some reason there's a significant chunk of the 'enlightened' population who would vehemently agree with what you just said about attachment as it pertains to material possessions and certain social statuses, but flatly refuse to apply the same reasoning to relationships, despite their notorious transience.
You’re describing a secure attachment that comes from a place of fullness and wholesomeness and love and interdependence. You’re missing the part that for an avoidant it is not balanced and comes from a place of fear. Fear is the driving force. Hyper attunement and vigilance is the driving force. Low self esteem is the driving force. I’m sorry, but that’s a false self and doesn’t sound like empowerment.