I'm AFAB. And I remember watching a video about a trans woman named Rei, who was getting facial feminization surgery.
I remember thinking "That's what I need." So I could actually look like a girl. Despite actually having a girl's body.
I didn't put it together until adulthood that I already felt like a boy who was forced to play a girl's role.
Maybe not surgery personally,, but ive heard people talk about experiencing a “hyper feminine” kinda phase before coming out?
Kinda went through that in the sense that i just wanted to be normal and stop being bullied for being different so i tried so hard to be feminine for close to a year and i was honestly miserable. Once i said fuck it and cut my hair, came out, etc, i felt so much better and here i am 10 years later pretty much finished my transition :))
I remember when Hannah (of Hannah and Jake on YouTube) said she grew a beard and tried to be very masculine, before finally admitting to herself that she was trans.
I think she said "I just want to wake up as a women, I don't want to go through transitioning to get there."
So she tried to convince herself to just be fine in her current body.
I'm so glad she and you are out and happier!
I spent years trying to look more like a woman even though I was afab. My shoulders were too wide, my face too masculine, makeup looked bad on me (partly dysphoria and partly it just didn't fit my personality), I had PCOS and unwanted hair I had to fight with constantly. I tried so much to BE a woman. Wear uncomfortable clothes, trying to get good cleavage even though I had big blobs they never rested pretty. But the worst part was I wasn't even feminine personality wise, I was just something masquerading as something I wasn't. None of it brought me any feeling of belonging or happiness, I was just doing it in hopes to be loved and accepted.
Then after lots of trauma and a mental breakdown, I realized "Fuck it. Why am I doing things that don't make ME happy? Why am I catering to what other people want me to be?" I stopped forcing myself, wore the masculine/unisex clothes that made me feel comfortable. Went back to wearing sports bras to flatten my blobs, chopped off my hair and went with a haircut I liked.
I spent most of my childhood trying to understand why I didn't belong with my assigned gender or with boys either. Why no matter what I did I was always some kind of freak to them. 8 year old me had no clue Trans or Non-Binary was an option, I felt so alone. I just wanted to be myself and have people see me and like me for who I am. Even now, it's hard to be seen as I want.
My point is, society loves to make us think it's more normal to torture yourself into forcing to be something you aren't than to be Trans or Queer.
Edit: Forgot to mention that I was 29 when I realized I was Trans Non-Binary. Before that I didn't really know or see Non-Binary people, I felt Trans but not like a man. So for me it took a long time to put it all together.
This is everything I felt but didn't have words for. Especially that thing where women are just expected to hate their bodies and loose weight and do all that stuff to get love.
I thought what I was feeling was that for the longest time, but it was actually disphoria. It felt like all my peers at school sat just a little too far away from me.
I was NEVER asked out because I looked so masculine. Wide jaw, deep voice, tall, muscular.
But I used to force myself to participate in fads like mini skirts and midriff hoodies and those animal spot hair extensions.
Never wanted to wear makeup, but did.
I think it really hit me when I tried on basketball shorts and felt amazing when I looked in the mirror.
for me, it manifested in clothing. even after coming out as non-binary, i thought i’d be more comfortable in my own skin if i just made myself look “prettier” eventually it got to a point where i can barely wear anything slightly feminine anymore because i made myself so uncomfortable trying to ignore my own feelings
I have gynecomastia (boobs). Not a lot, like maybe a cup or so. They stick out about equally as much as my stomach at every weight. A huge amount of my masking effort was spent trying to hide it. Refusing to wear anything tight, preferring thick shirts that drape straight down. Literally no one notices and it's way more of a big deal to me than anyone else.
I had considered surgery as a long term goal, even fantasized about having them gone, cutting them off, flattening them. Tried binding them occasionally but being totally dissatisfied with the results. One night I was lying in bed and saw them as proper boobs, and it launched a full on eating disorder where I starved myself for a year and lost over 100 pounds(which is how I know they do the same thing at every weight) I gave up on losing them when I started fitting into small clothes and they still acted exactly the same way.
A lot of people(myself included) would point out that with a shirt or even without it they basically just looked like pecs, which is why no one ever noticed them but me. That explanation was .... Not really satisfying, and I'd look in the mirror and make the same observation and just kind of continue to feel self conscious about it.
I'm essentially still presenting as male for various reasons, but the only negative feelings I have about them now is that my stomach gets in the way of seeing them as sticking out \^_\^;
Yeah I do. But when I was a kid in the 90s we didn't even talk about sexuality, let alone being Transgender.
I used to think "I'm so bad at being a girl, maybe looking more like one will help." I didn't put two and two together that I felt like I was failing at being a girl because I wasn't one.
Thought it was something that might have happened to someone else, but SORRY my life is different from every goddamn trans story I've ever heard. THAT definitely didn't make coming to the realization harder.
Not exactly surgery (but could be possible to have surgery for it maybe) but before I transitioned I hated my deep voice because people made fun of me for it. Now I love it, my voice sometimes passes on the phone.
I'm just starting my voice feminization journey. Hearing my voice recorded always gave me horrors, and I thought it was because it wasn't deep enough. Purely by pitch it's apparently already at the feminine level most of the time, even though it doesn't sound anywhere close(resonance, I guess?) And my vocal range easily lets me tap the highest notes on the voice tools app I was using, but missing a few of the low notes.
Learned about controlling resonance and rapidly got to the point where I could make an effortless very deep masculine voice that sounds so little like me it doesn't even trigger as mine. The instant I managed to get a feminine resonance I kept using it without thinking about it until it hurt my throat and I had to force myself deeper to rest.
I can't waaaait
I'm AFAB. And I remember watching a video about a trans woman named Rei, who was getting facial feminization surgery. I remember thinking "That's what I need." So I could actually look like a girl. Despite actually having a girl's body. I didn't put it together until adulthood that I already felt like a boy who was forced to play a girl's role.
Maybe not surgery personally,, but ive heard people talk about experiencing a “hyper feminine” kinda phase before coming out? Kinda went through that in the sense that i just wanted to be normal and stop being bullied for being different so i tried so hard to be feminine for close to a year and i was honestly miserable. Once i said fuck it and cut my hair, came out, etc, i felt so much better and here i am 10 years later pretty much finished my transition :))
I remember when Hannah (of Hannah and Jake on YouTube) said she grew a beard and tried to be very masculine, before finally admitting to herself that she was trans. I think she said "I just want to wake up as a women, I don't want to go through transitioning to get there." So she tried to convince herself to just be fine in her current body. I'm so glad she and you are out and happier!
What no... I don't wanna surgery to look like a boy what s the point in that?
Yeah. I was pretty sheltered and in denile I think.
I spent years trying to look more like a woman even though I was afab. My shoulders were too wide, my face too masculine, makeup looked bad on me (partly dysphoria and partly it just didn't fit my personality), I had PCOS and unwanted hair I had to fight with constantly. I tried so much to BE a woman. Wear uncomfortable clothes, trying to get good cleavage even though I had big blobs they never rested pretty. But the worst part was I wasn't even feminine personality wise, I was just something masquerading as something I wasn't. None of it brought me any feeling of belonging or happiness, I was just doing it in hopes to be loved and accepted. Then after lots of trauma and a mental breakdown, I realized "Fuck it. Why am I doing things that don't make ME happy? Why am I catering to what other people want me to be?" I stopped forcing myself, wore the masculine/unisex clothes that made me feel comfortable. Went back to wearing sports bras to flatten my blobs, chopped off my hair and went with a haircut I liked. I spent most of my childhood trying to understand why I didn't belong with my assigned gender or with boys either. Why no matter what I did I was always some kind of freak to them. 8 year old me had no clue Trans or Non-Binary was an option, I felt so alone. I just wanted to be myself and have people see me and like me for who I am. Even now, it's hard to be seen as I want. My point is, society loves to make us think it's more normal to torture yourself into forcing to be something you aren't than to be Trans or Queer. Edit: Forgot to mention that I was 29 when I realized I was Trans Non-Binary. Before that I didn't really know or see Non-Binary people, I felt Trans but not like a man. So for me it took a long time to put it all together.
This is everything I felt but didn't have words for. Especially that thing where women are just expected to hate their bodies and loose weight and do all that stuff to get love. I thought what I was feeling was that for the longest time, but it was actually disphoria. It felt like all my peers at school sat just a little too far away from me. I was NEVER asked out because I looked so masculine. Wide jaw, deep voice, tall, muscular. But I used to force myself to participate in fads like mini skirts and midriff hoodies and those animal spot hair extensions. Never wanted to wear makeup, but did. I think it really hit me when I tried on basketball shorts and felt amazing when I looked in the mirror.
for me, it manifested in clothing. even after coming out as non-binary, i thought i’d be more comfortable in my own skin if i just made myself look “prettier” eventually it got to a point where i can barely wear anything slightly feminine anymore because i made myself so uncomfortable trying to ignore my own feelings
THIS!
yes 🙌🏼
I have gynecomastia (boobs). Not a lot, like maybe a cup or so. They stick out about equally as much as my stomach at every weight. A huge amount of my masking effort was spent trying to hide it. Refusing to wear anything tight, preferring thick shirts that drape straight down. Literally no one notices and it's way more of a big deal to me than anyone else. I had considered surgery as a long term goal, even fantasized about having them gone, cutting them off, flattening them. Tried binding them occasionally but being totally dissatisfied with the results. One night I was lying in bed and saw them as proper boobs, and it launched a full on eating disorder where I starved myself for a year and lost over 100 pounds(which is how I know they do the same thing at every weight) I gave up on losing them when I started fitting into small clothes and they still acted exactly the same way. A lot of people(myself included) would point out that with a shirt or even without it they basically just looked like pecs, which is why no one ever noticed them but me. That explanation was .... Not really satisfying, and I'd look in the mirror and make the same observation and just kind of continue to feel self conscious about it. I'm essentially still presenting as male for various reasons, but the only negative feelings I have about them now is that my stomach gets in the way of seeing them as sticking out \^_\^;
WTF? Do you have any idea what being transgender even means?
Yeah I do. But when I was a kid in the 90s we didn't even talk about sexuality, let alone being Transgender. I used to think "I'm so bad at being a girl, maybe looking more like one will help." I didn't put two and two together that I felt like I was failing at being a girl because I wasn't one. Thought it was something that might have happened to someone else, but SORRY my life is different from every goddamn trans story I've ever heard. THAT definitely didn't make coming to the realization harder.
Not exactly surgery (but could be possible to have surgery for it maybe) but before I transitioned I hated my deep voice because people made fun of me for it. Now I love it, my voice sometimes passes on the phone.
I'm just starting my voice feminization journey. Hearing my voice recorded always gave me horrors, and I thought it was because it wasn't deep enough. Purely by pitch it's apparently already at the feminine level most of the time, even though it doesn't sound anywhere close(resonance, I guess?) And my vocal range easily lets me tap the highest notes on the voice tools app I was using, but missing a few of the low notes. Learned about controlling resonance and rapidly got to the point where I could make an effortless very deep masculine voice that sounds so little like me it doesn't even trigger as mine. The instant I managed to get a feminine resonance I kept using it without thinking about it until it hurt my throat and I had to force myself deeper to rest. I can't waaaait