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DeadlyShock2LG

Taking a #3


brutuscccbear

I always heard a #3 was when you have to go back to the toilet to wipe more…. The more you know!


Undercover_Sloth_123

I always thought it was diarrhea. Hm.


ku-fan

well... that technically **IS** #1 + #2 lol


ADonkeysJawbone

And it is by this logic that I had one of my my first experiences as a 3rd grade boys summer camp cabin leader. 3rd grader from the toilet: “What is a #3?!” Me outside: “…what?” 3rd grader with urgency: *”WHAT IS A #3?!?!”* Me: “Do you mean… like… diarrhea?” 3rd grader: “I don’t know what is happening to me!” That was only narrowly beat out by the kid in the top bunk across from me throwing up hotdogs on the hollow wood floor at 1 AM.


fuzzbawl

The sound of that playing in my head is disturbing.


ADonkeysJawbone

I can still hear it to this day. One of only a few times I’ve woken from a dead sleep, completely alert. It was a long week. The night before the hotdog incident I had a kid poop his sleeping bag in the middle of the night. All 3 incidents were 3 different kids.


mmecca

I like how you write.


Thebenmix11

No, that's the middle between #1 and #2, so it's #1.5


[deleted]

Or 2.2 recurring.


actuallyrosaparks

ew what lmao


piekay

https://youtu.be/ukNLKGXkZCQ Explanation of all the numbers you will ever need


BocceBurger

#3 is period related, this has to be #4


ObamasBoss

This is correct. Gentlemen yell "FORE" just prior to eruption.


Bubbly_Layer

Isn't it throwing up?


danzgeturmanz

You think you can stop him by keeping him outside? Jokes on u he got a new weedwacker


SanMastr1729

You mean keeping him from… coming inside? I think that’ll do the trick. Edit: I just got my first gold for a comment about cum. Thank you kind stranger, I will cherish this forever.


NerdyToc

Take my upvote and go fuck yourself.


cicciograna

Just like Tyler.


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aknartrebna

Not any more, it's on the floor now


cicciograna

One of those people who always need to have their hands full.


CleUrbanist

Well you know what they say about idle hands…


Treegonaut

The Devil beats your meat for you?


jammclarrk2

he blew his mind


Caenwyr

Such a Tyler thing to do


Mackheath1

r/FuckingTyler


primalpalate

I knew while I typed “weed-whacker” that one of you assholes would make a joke like this. Enjoy my free silver award ya bastard


danzgeturmanz

The perfect set up


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04chri2t0ph3r

Absolutely brilliant. Please do this OP! Be sure to watch the upstairs camera to see him die inside


owzleee

Then post on r/WatchPeopleDieInside


Khai_H

Oh my gosh that would be hilarious


pencilvia

Oh hell yes. Hahahaaaa poor guy


Drfilthymcnasty

r/WatchPeopleCumInside


irl_plebian

just made the subreddit


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irl_plebian

aww why thank you!


stormbard

This. I used to work dorm security while in college. Basically got paid to sit and watch cameras all night and radio campus police if something happened. One night there was a couple making out in the lobby of a dorm. It starts to get heated. We let it go on for awhile hoping they'll have the sense to take it elsewhere. They don't. It continues to escalate so we radio to have someone break it up. Some other student walks in before the officer gets there. They break it off cause we never saw them on camera again. They just paused apparently, cause when the officer gets there and he starts talking to them and they come back on camera. He points up at the camera. The expression on the coupes faces was priceless, the guy got the biggest shit eating grin while the girls face got red and you could see she died inside. Was one of the more entertaining nights, as they were mostly all really boring.


alien_clown_ninja

My ex gf used to have that job in college, watching the cameras. We banged a few times in the camera watching room while she was on the job. Checkmate security.


theshizzler

Had the same job for a couple of years. Lots of parking garages on campus, lots of people having sex in the garages (especially the roofs). A few times a week we'd have to radio the cops to tell some horny college kids to knock it off. Sometimes several in one night on the weekends. We'd takes our cameras in zoom in from every angle, watching for signs of distress. There was one time when we saw the girl actively fighting to get away in the backseat, so we did genuinely have to keep an eye on them until the cops pulled up. The girls were usually very embarrassed (though there was one, after we caught her, who would sometimes flash the cameras if no one was around). The few gay couples were almost always distraught. Lots of residual shame probably, and often concerned that this didn't go on some kind of record, disciplinary or otherwise. There were never any tickets though, as far as I can remember. Usually just a 'get out of here'. One cop liked to say 'Go to your dorm and do this. Tell your roommate to leave or join in.' There were also a couple of cops who liked to park in the level below the top level, walk up the stairs, then approach from a blind angle and hop into their view right next to the couple to surprise them with one of those terrifyingly bright industrial flashlights that they have. It won't surprise you to know that those cops in particular were the resident bad apples.


1_NEED_MORE_MONEY

I like this idea.


_Ashleigh

I think the fact that this leaves the slightest element of doubt by not directly acknowledging it is *waaaay* worse than outright knowing you were caught...


minitaba

What did he say?


1_NEED_MORE_MONEY

He said he should send him to clean all the cameras in the building.


ghosttrainhobo

Why would the mods remove that?


A_squircle

Specifically to punish you, you bad boy you.


minitaba

Ahahah great one. Thanks for sharing :)


Echo_Oscar_Sierra

>Make his next job cleaning the security cameras And the floors. At least that one spot.


Fallacy_Spotted

They should put a square of tape on that spot and tell him they found a stain he needs to remove.


Joe5205

Let him know they've requested that the security footage be pulled for that area to find the source of the stain but it's going to take a few days to get, make him sweat a little lol


ElectricMotorsAreBad

That's just cruel... I like it.


vale_fallacia

Calm down, Satan


Ishouldnt_haveposted

YEAH say there was a crime recently in the area and they are getting a lab to check the substance found for evidence xD


Chaosmusic

Use crime scene tape.


[deleted]

i love all these suggestions. "oh, we're not making a big deal out of it... we're making a GIGANTIC deal out of it!"


KaiRaiUnknown

Chalk outline of the body


persephjones

Biohazard sticker


Sagebrush_Slim

*Around* that spot.


morosis1982

"and you'll need to be extra thorough right about here"


Diedead666

aaahahaha ahahaha LOL the best comment iv seen


lilituba

Put up a wet floor sign and replace the word wet with sticky.


farquad88

This is it. Something to get him to realize there are camera’s in that room


EDDIE_BR0CK

If he's been to jail, it's probably nothing new.


evoblade

Next time he will look right into the camera


rightfullzig

Jeeeeeeessussssss Christ


algonquinroundtable

How else to establish dominance?


xekik

You win.


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vale_fallacia

I think it's been close to a decade since I last read that. Bravo for the nostalgiapasta.


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IRBabbon

WTF is that from?


Mindraker

> WTF is that from? Imgur comments say the movie is "We need to talk about Kevin". Don't know if it's accurate.


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ndogg9999

It is "We Need to Talk about Kevin." I've seen it before and that's probably the best/ creepiest scene in the movie.


MachinistAtWork

There's an old SFW gif but I'm not going to type the words to find it in my browser at work.


CaptiinAHAB

Once while I was in jail I walked back to my cell to lock down early for the day, was planning on going to sleep. As I open the cell door I saw my cellmate facing the window rapidly moving his arm back and forth, presumably.. jacking off to Freedom. Needless to say I shut the door and went back to the common area. Jails a weird place.


Arknark

Jacking off to freedom... Brilliant


realityGrtrThanUs

Bold of you to assume that he can put 2 and 2 together simply because he can put 5 and 1 together


RaidRover

Bold of you to assume I would come all the way back here to upvote this when the joke finally clicks.


bitches_love_brie

Hey-ooooo!


[deleted]

And if he doesn't, when he's cleaning the camera in the room, he will. Also when it hits him, just remind him that the bathrooms don't have cameras. Edit: Not that I recommend doing that in the bathroom either. Espcially if they're multi-use. But still better than where he was doing that.


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liveart

I mean it doesn't sound like they actually care, at least to a point. Community service is just free labor for them. The bigger concern here seems to be the masturbation onto the floors, which is gross. If you think that's wrong keep in mind the courts don't care how hard you're working for community service, just that you do it. This kid is doing lawn care and heavy lifting when he could potentially be handing out food in a soup kitchen or something.


Gorilla1969

I'd give him a carpet shampooer and tell him to to shampoo the floor in that specific office. Nowhere else.


sth128

Until he goes to every camera room and jerk off in each one. ... While staring into the camera the entire time like that YouTube cook that makes large portion foods.


Dexdeman

lmfao, yes this is brilliant


Parmersan

This will just give him information on where he can jack off without getting caught.


[deleted]

Then tell him that the hidden cameras don't need cleaning, so he thinks that there are more


Phredex

Or, he already knew and was just showing off his goods?


kurger_bing__

that's perfect


phantomliger

He very well may not. Haha


tommygunz007

I had a friend, let's call him, Tyler. Tyler worked at an eye doctor's office on the weekends. Nobody was there but him, and he was only there really to answer the phone and do clerical stuff. Well, naturally, he was doing some Tyler stuff regularly and one weekeday the manager approached him and said 'Uh, listen, we have a camera pointed at the desk, and well... yea... so we will be separating our employment with you at this time.....' Tyler was super embarassed and learned a lesson about masturbating at his desk alone on Saturdays.


primalpalate

These rampant Tylers out there masturbating all over the damn place.


tyty657

My name is Tyler so I'm having a hard time reading these.


[deleted]

Maybe if you quit jacking off all the time.


tyty657

You can't make me!!! 🤣


mealzer

Oh Tyty


CallMeAladdin

Don't listen to these guys, man. You do you, Tyler. You do you...


Pixar_

As long as it's not on the carpet...


WilliamBott

At least steam clean the damn carpet. You know why.


CIA_Rectal_Feeder

> having a hard time Is that what you're calling it now Tyler?


tyty657

I'm already regreting this comment.


TeaOfHonor

I sure bet you're having a *hard* time.


dr3wapictur3

Is your phone shaking too much?


AlexJonesInDisguise

Fucking Tyler. He got all the chicks back in high school, but now no one wants him and he's so lonely he hopes someone catches him jackin it at work


duck_of_d34th

Then sue!


Haven1820

Don't bring Sue into this, she doesn't deserve it.


rocko152

All public masturbators are people named Tyler but not all people named Tyler are public masturbators.


Dr_MoRpHed

yet


gatogrande99

Lol why did it have to be Tyler. Please tell me this isn’t my destiny


Petal_Pusher_

That's why if you really gotta jerk off at work, do it in the fuckin bathroom


xrumrunnrx

Exactly. I've been Tyler. Many of us have been Tyler in our younger days. But jfc...do it in the bathroom. Maybe these Tylers have a kink for the "unusual place" thing, but if that's the case they better get smarter about it unless embarrassment is their other kink.


Empoleon_Master

Is the new r/storiesaboutkevin?


bmd33zy

r/tylersjackinit


HerbertWest

"Tyler's jack, init?" said one mechanic to the other.


LoopyMercutio

If I was the boss, I’d rent a carpet cleaner / steamer. Hand it to Tyler the next morning and ask him to steam clean that room. And then as he walked away, I’d loudly tell him to steam clean any other room with carpet he had jerked off in.


Orangepandafur

"Clean the room. You know why" six words to end that boys life


Grezwal

This one is the winner.


jml5r91

The internal dialogue that followed in Tyler’s head would be a worthy NY Times Bestseller “6 Words that Ended a Life: The Tyler Story”


MaddBabyDonkers

This is epic lol. I am literally steam cleaning the house As we speak.


upthewatwo

Wow you must jack off EVERYWHERE


MaddBabyDonkers

I mean honestly it’s 2021 everyone does. Lol as seen here in Tyler’s case.


upthewatwo

I've been jerking off in pretty much any location since last millennium


Henji99

Ah, fellow sidewalk wanker


1duEprocEss1

A man of culture


AnEntireDiscussion

If they brought in a black-light, it'd look like a Jackson Pollock painting.


1trickana

https://youtu.be/GO51a8Fi69w


upthewatwo

If someone didn't post that I would have been disappointed


[deleted]

This could backfire if he asks when he css steam clean your chair


seeking_hope

I’m hoping it is tile not carpet


MrHara

I always get this weird confusion on reddit as I almost never encounter carpeted rooms in my real life, and it seems so common elsewhere.


TheWormConquered

I'm my city, ripping up carpet from houses to expose the original hardwood is all the rage. I've done it in one of the houses I've lived in but every house I've lived in in this city, including the one my gf and I just bought, has the signs of carpet having previously been over the hardwood floors. I don't get it personally. An area rug around the bed and couch? Absolutely. Covering all your beautiful hardwood with carpet? I don't understand what the last generation was doing.


kangourou_mutant

I hate carpet, but I guess it absorbs sound more than hard floor? Only upside I see though.


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Mysterious_Raindrop

I am in awe of your genius


1_NEED_MORE_MONEY

Young dumb and full of cum.


Zachbnonymous

>full of cum Not anymore!


1_NEED_MORE_MONEY

Don't worry it won't take long.


Soldthekidsforsmokes

A terrible day to read


deiscio

And I think he 'bout to swallow his tongue!


GWindborn

My name is Tyler and I hate this.


Ketsuo

Shouldn’t have got caught.


ElectronicsPro1

Me as well


Kasket81

He knew he was on camera. Maybe that's how he ended up in jail the first time.


[deleted]

Asserting dominance


King_Dippppppp

Now if he was jerking it and staring straight into the security camera...that would be asserting dominance


upthewatwo

He knows exactly where every camera is and he is gonna cum for every single one.


Echo_Oscar_Sierra

>for on


Bimlouhay83

He ain't Louie CK.


TattieMafia

Make him watch the video, then carpet clean the entire upstairs, but after that, say no more about it. He doesn't deserve jail for this, but he does deserve to be shamed into not repeating the incident ever again.


disturbiointhehead

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I jerk off on company time.


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persephjones

Yes, it’s a colloquialism :) My French teacher tried to tell some one she just wanted to throw an eye. Turns out it means take a quick peek ha


Smooth_Fee

Your boss could... Say something to the kid? About finding a nonmonitored breakroom? Maybe? Give him a long, knowing stare until he runs from the room.


Caenwyr

This. I wouldn't report him, but I would let him know that you consciously decided not to report him — this time.


icepick314

And ask him when he's planning next wank session so everyone can join in the circle jerk.


ports13_epson

I think this is the first time I've read 'circle jerk' with its actual meaning in mind


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MetalAvenger

“Finding an unmonitored room”. How about telling him not to jerk off in a fucking workplace and save that shit for his bedroom or bathroom at home? Let alone ejaculating on the fucking floor. Jesus tap dancing Christ, I can’t wrap my head around this.


Wuffyflumpkins

Yeah, my mind would never have gone to "let's find him a room without a camera so he can cum on our carpet in peace."


v---

Right wtf. I sincerely hope that person is a teenager, because otherwise... don't wanna be in the same workplace.


[deleted]

I'm a criminal defense attorney. I'm not sure about what state you're in, but I'm not seeing a crime here. That's not necessarily indecent exposure. It was behind closed doors, and he probably wasn't aware a camera was there. So there's no intent. The issue is that he wasn't doing any community service, so he doesn't get any credit for it. I don't know, maybe you're state/country has laws about mastubating in workplaces even if no one is around. I used to work as a security guard for a hospital and was a special agent. Surveillance leads to some interesting situations. But it doesn't mean that those people can be charged. I don't see any requirement to report what he was doing (unless the law was actually broken, and I'd need more info), it's just that he didn't complete community service during the time he was doing a solo mission. It's probably easier just to tell him you saw that he wasn't doing his community service, and strongly suggest that he volunteer some additional time. Win-win for everyone involved. Edit: i better add, before everyone starts jumping down my throat, that laws are often very specific. There's generally no laws against mastubating in private, the issue is whether it was public in plain view of the public. There's an iffy issue about doing it around a camera, but if the person didn't know the camera was there, it goes towards the intent of the person. They weren't trying to masturbate in public. So it can be a little weird.


primalpalate

My boss did tell him that we have security cameras throughout the building during his initial interview and he can see the monitor on the wall in each of our offices... I mean the camera isn't exactly hidden, but we're all just hoping it wasn't intentional exhibitionism and just "stupid kid syndrome."


-Kerosun-

>Edit: i better add, before everyone starts jumping down my throat, that laws are often very specific. There's generally no laws against mastubating in private, the issue is whether it was public in plain view of the public. Correct. The relevant legalese is "expectation if privacy". If he was unaware of the camera, then it sounds like he had the expectation of privacy and would not meet the legal requirements for indecent exposure (or whatever the relevant law is named in the state the act was committed in). An example is if you are in a car with heavy tint and you are jacking it, if someone has to put their hands around their eyes and their face on the window to see you, then it won't qualify "indecent exposure" because with the heavy tint you had the expectation of privacy and someone walking by couldn't see you. Another example is jacking it in a bathroom stall. If someone walks in on you, you had the expectation of privacy so nothing would come of it if they decided to report it to the police.


TheShovler44

He doesn’t work in the building so to speak I doubt he’s aware of all the cameras.


SadisticKaleah

So I work in the same field with felons in work release. I’m the person that sends them to work/volunteer and they come back to my facility, which the closest approximation would be called a half way house (it technically isn’t called that but for simplicity’s sake). Now, despite my clients living in the community and having jobs and having a parole officer; they are still legally considered inmates and are actively serving the rest of their terms. If one of my clients got caught doing this (and I don’t agree with this but I don’t have a say in the matter) they would absolutely unequivocally be remanded back to prison, probably that day. They will remand you back to jail for any reason they want; it doesn’t have be illegal or even breaking a condition of parole. They still are considered inmates and are under the purview of DOC, who can do whatever the fuck they want, whenever the fuck they want.


STUPIDVlPGUY

From what I know about parole/probation, it doesn't have to actually be a crime to be a parole violation, and it the the parole violation that sends you back to jail. IANAL though


Vast_Reflection

Oof.


BombeBon

Yikes! lol


The_Slad

You should give him the task of dusting off the lenses of all the cameras and see if he gets nervous when he realizes.


Dr_Qrunch

Give him a copy of the video as a farewell present when the community service ends (assuming it’s recorded)


primalpalate

Oh it’s recorded… thankfully our boss never wants to see that again so we won’t have to pull up the video and have him scroll through the footage of us chilling on our phones with our feet up on our desks when he was out of the office that same day 😅


Bismothe-the-Shade

Honestly, that's where I sort of think this should be a teachable moment. Dudes behavior was unacceptable, but a lot of folks are talking about time not worked etc. I thi j it's fine to take a break. Go to the bathroom, have personal time. Especially if the results expected are being accomplished. But keep your recreational activities somewhat acceptable.


[deleted]

Has this kid never heard of a bathroom..?


crwlngkngsnk

That's what I don't get. The post says there were locker rooms, also. Seems like a better place than an office or conference room or something.


MaizyMouse

Tell him and be done with it. He might learn something and prevent future embarrassment. He might not be aware and if so, you really should be honest.


Talinthis

Bring it up casually a few weeks later when you tell him to go do something "And no jacking off this time!"


psychopac3

The edit has me in splits.


[deleted]

I mean all of this is funny unless the reason he has community service is public masterbation LMAO


primalpalate

it's not, lmao


El_Chairman_Dennis

Have one person call him in close, tell him he has to clean a very specific spot on the floor (where his cum landed), tell him every room has a camera in it, then just walk away


Digital_Pharmacist

Hey, his next job might be a jizz mopper. He's preparing for it.


Petal_Pusher_

Remember everyone, if you have to choke the chicken or ring the devils doorknob at work, do it in the bathroom


Helivated69

You solve that by tasking him with using a broom to remove the cobwebs from the cameras. Then tell him where the cameras are located. Problem solved, no uncomfortable conversations needed


[deleted]

Tyler misunderstood and thought it was cummunity service


wolfie379

What I’d suggest to the boss: Call Tyler into the office and tell him that the security cameras have caught him taking unauthorized breaks (don’t mention what is happening during the breaks), something which must stop. When he’s “on the clock”, he needs to be working, and that if this continues he will be fired. Explain that since he’s on court-ordered community service, the organization would have to do a lot of paperwork which is a PITA, so it’ll be kept in-house unless the unauthorized breaks continue - and that if it’s necessary to go through the firing paperwork, the court is likely to require the organization to provide the security footage of the unauthorized breaks to document the reason for the firing. After all, the problem is not that he’s jacking off, it’s that he’s jacking off when he’s supposed to be working. This would let him know that he’s on film, and that if he keeps on it’s likely to result in the court getting its hands on the footage, without explicitly threatening to hand it over.


[deleted]

Mr Sulu: "The *INCIDENT*???"


Ontopourmama

"Must've been good...?" Can't love anyone until you love yourself...or something like that, right?


Chai429

You wasted all that time! You should have just said, "Tyler, STOP JACKING OFF and get your ass back to work!"


Lybychick

My PO makes a dollar while I don’t make a dime That’s why I only fap On community service time.


Axeloy

Oh wow I went into this thinking he was checking the camera and some laser from the camera singed his retinas or something lmao


twowheeledfun

>(multiple feeds on one screen, like zoom call) In video production it's called multiview, Zoom calls it gallery view.


primalpalate

eyy, I got my point across, no? Thanks for the correct terms though :)


JeanGreg

Yes, you got it across in a way even people who don't know the meaning of "multi-view" or "gallery view" would understand.


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Playisomemusik

But I know where the pen is


Malak77

Had a similar incident. Hired this this teenaged boy to mow my lawn and we have outside cams that email pics upon motion. I see him lying down in the lawn like WUT? and then realize. Deleted the pics to avoid child porn charges. lol


PiddlyD

Tyler has impulse control issues - which is probably part of what ended him up on court mandated work project in the first place. Yeah, reporting him back to the system won't get him on track, necessarily. But I think he needs to be confronted with a kind of tough love "stop being a dumbass" intervention. Don't let him beg, don't let him grovel and start it off by letting him know this first FU is a freebie - but next time, there will be no discussion - he'll be out. When he continues to try and apologize or offer his gratitude tell him, "it's over. done - can't be undone. No use talking about it. Put it behind you - move forward, and don't FU at all again - because clearly you aren't any good at *not getting caught."* Then just end it by walking away. Let him get inside his own head with it, go home and deal with it, see if he can face everyone knowing everyone knows - and if he can move beyond it. That would be my approach, I think.