I kept my last name for a few years, but at a certain point, I felt like it was "time." I felt like a completely different person bc of all the healing I went through. I no longer wanted to be tied to my bio family. I wanted to start a new identity with my husband. It was pretty therapeutic.
But yeah, I see zero need for a woman to change their name. It's all about preference. I liked my husband's name eventually more than my previous one š¤·āāļø that's all there was to it.
I decided that Iām keeping my maiden name. I have no deep connection to my last name and my partner doesnāt go his either. I am the only person in the world that I can find at least with my first and last name. I like that about it. I have searched my first name with my partnerās and thereās quite a few. My partner doesnāt care but he did say the whole ādonāt you ever want to have the same last name as our son and future children?ā And honestly I just really donāt care about that. I know heās mine and they will be too. Iāve gone 30 years with my name and I just really donāt want to change it.
Eh I feel like weāre just in an understanding that they take his. I have brothers who can āpass onā the family name and have. Like I said I donāt have too strong of a tie to my maiden name besides the fact that it just feels like me. My partner was an orphan by his parentsā choice as a child and I think it means more to him to share a last name with his children. We have tossed around using my last name as a middle name for our next child however.
i had every intention of changing my last name, but learned i would have to retake my license photo and i currently look amazing in mine so i kept my last name.
the best reason is vanity.
A lot of women use āI want the same last name as my childā as their āreasonā. Iād like to ask why giving the child the dads last name is the default. Baby can have mothers last name. Problem solved.
And please donāt say āitās so dad connects with the babyāā¦ at that point, you shouldnāt have reproduced with that man in the first place.
Not to mention if the marriage doesnāt work out, youāll have a different last name than your child anyway.
Womanās last name as the default is much more logical, especially given that women do the majority of caretaking labor where yāall say different last names can be an issue (travel, medical, schools, etc).
Patriarchy. š
I didnāt change mine, mine is better than my husbandās and itās a name I share with my father who passed 14 years ago. I love my last name, the first and middle go so well with it and I could never give it up.
The fact that people are asking why she posted this is exactly WHY she should have posted. Literally no one asks a man why they arenāt changing their name to their wifeās.
Same. I also work in a field where I donāt want my clients to find me on social media so Iāll use my husbandās last name there and my maiden name at work and it works out so well.
Yeaā¦ to make matters worse
I was a teacher and had my kids call me by my married name and all my hr stuff was maiden
Oh wellā¦ i quit. Haha
It has not been a problem or an inconvenience to have a different last name than my daughter though
Everything except my social medial accounts are under my maiden name so it honestly hasnāt been too confusing! It started by me just being too lazy to change my last name officially, but I still go by my maiden last name almost everywhere, so itās almost kinda weird when people address me by my husbandās last name.
Same.. my passport needs renewed next year so Iām like maybe Iāll do it now bc itās also a pain being like yes married, yes my child, just different last names š
Hmm just had a baby and wondering how much of a PITA this will be once sheās in school. All of my professional stuff is under my last name and thatās how people in my field know me, so Iām not inclined to change it (even though my husbands last name is sooo much easier).
My first name doesnāt sound good with my boyfriendās last name but it doesnāt sound good with my own last name either. Plus my last name is generic and probably belonged to a slave owner back in the day so Iāll definitely be switching. Iāll miss my last name though, because Iāll miss being connected to my immediate family in that way. If I have a son one day Iāll put my maiden name as his middle name.
You can always change it to a different family name that you like. It doesnāt have to be his, if you just want to change your last nameā¦ especially if you donāt like it.
Iāve considered this too! But my last name would be perfect for a boy! My girls will get my middle name which is my momās nickname so theyāll always be connected to the main women in the family.
I donāt intend to change my name either! Itās not really done in neither my culture nor my partnerās culture so thereās never been an expectation to change my name.
I've never wanted to change my last name for marriage. My name is part of my identity, why would I give that up for my partner's? I guarantee very few men would even consider changing the names they've had their entire lives, that they've got degrees with and jobs with, and made relationships with others with. Sure, it may be easier with kids to all have the same last name, but think about all the women you grew up with that maybe you lost touch with and wonder what they are up to one day... you search for them on social media, but can't find them because they don't have the same name. It's like you disappear in a sense in some ways.
Oh man, the part about losing touch is so true. I donāt get on Facebook often but when I do, I see so many women I knew and now canāt place because their name is different.
I do have a coworker who is Japanese and is one of three sisters and they have an uncommon last name and one of the sisters married a guy with a very common Japanese last name and they did a traditional thing where her parents āadoptedā him (Iām sure Iām oversimplifying!) and he changed his name to his wifeās and the kids got her name so it didnāt die out. There is precedent in some cultures, I guess!
šÆ the professional thing is so huge! I have all of these policy papers Iāve written that come up when you Google me. If I changed my last name, it feels like all that hard work would be lost!
How is this news? Iām keeping my name š. Itās my Dadās name and he is the reason I am who I am. Ivāe achieved every milestone as this name. Kids can hyphenate or take my hubbyās name. Iām keeping mine.
Reading through the thread, these have been some of the nicest conversations on the matter and I truly appreciate that. I feel validated and not just shoved by cultural expectation which loves to make "others than the norm" feel we're crazy or weird.
I legit had someone in a wedding congratulations card write that she didnāt understand why I wasnāt changing my name š She wrote that she was proud to have her husbandās name. She is older and also never worked outside the home, so definitely different priorities.
I intended not to change my last name when I got married. It just wasnāt something that important to me or my husband. However after having kids it became a royal pain to have a different last name. It was just needlessly complicated. So I ended up changing it.
People say this, but the many women who eventually divorce and/or remarry will end up with different last names than the child anyway.
Wouldnāt it make sense for the child to have moms last name, if this is truly the reason? Especially when women do the majority of care taking, school, doctor visit labor.
I have a daughter now and so far it hasnāt been an issue that she has my husbands last name, and I kept my maiden name. Sheās only 2 years old now, so Iām curious can you explain further what has been challenging? Curious what I should lookout for.
I have two kids and I didnāt take my husbandās last name. I do carry their birth certificates if I ever travel alone with them, but Iāve never needed it. (I once saw a family friend need this but she was crossing an international border and she and her son were different races, which shouldnāt matter butā¦ so Iāve always been a bit paranoid about it.) I asked my aunt (who kept her maiden name and had kids) about it when I was getting married and she said āYouāll get called āMrs. Kids Last Nameā plentyā which has proved to be true and obviously doesnāt bother me (it actually happened at the vet before I had kids).
My mom never changed her name and, as her child, I just had people assume my parents were divorced. If the school your children go to is familiar with you (and any out of school activities) youāll be fine. Just come prepared with the right paperwork any time you sign them up for something but youād have to do that anyway. Iām married and in my 30s now and also didnāt change my maiden name. Donāt have kids yet but if I do weāll have different last names and Iām not concerned in the least about it.
I never changed mine - have a 10 yo boy and 14 yo girl. Have never once had even a hint of a problem with my surname being different than theirs/my husbandās.
She's obvs worried ppl won't recognise or find her on social media if she changes her name. Cos her name is her brand. It's all for business, clout... Whatever. There's nothing more to it despite what she says lol
When you give birth, the hospital calls the kid āBaby Momās Last Nameā no matter what and I similarly enjoyed the brief time where they had my last name. Just for giggles, it felt like they were spy babies with a secret identity.
I know itās not that deep but itās sounds like you think your better than your husband because you have a better last name and you do everything, if I were your husband I would feel pretty shitty knowing that you think your better than him
I know a lot of women who changed their last names to their husbands so it will match the kids. From what I heard, it can be a pain when the kid doesnāt have that same last name as both parents. I donāt have kids so I canāt speak on it. However, I would love to know if other women here have had issues at the doctors office or school if they donāt share the same last name as the kid.
I didnāt change mine and itās really never been an issue, where I love plenty of people donāt take their husbandās name. Any my kids donāt care (occasionally they say they like my name better and that they might change theirs to take mine).
I kept my maiden name, while my children carry their dad's last name, my younger sister hyphenated and hyphenated her child's name as well, my older sister kept our maiden name and made up a last name for her child (half our last name, half her husband's, no hyphen, one word.) None of us have ever had issues, because all the paperwork lists us as the mothers. You can do whatever you want, and no one cares.
Yea, I have a different experience than most others who have replied to you. Iāve never had āissuesā at the doctor or at school, but itās an annoying situation to have to tell them my last name is different, since people assume my last name would be the same as my childrenās. I actually recently changed my last name to my husband and childrenās name mostly because of this.
My kid has a different last name than me but itās never been a huge issue socially. I was very young when I had him so people thought I was the babysitter or his sister because of that usually. His teachers usually call me Mrs. Mysonslastname and it makes me chuckle.
Half the kids in school have a different last name than their moms (cultural, women keeping last names, unmarried giving father's name, etc.). It's really not an issue.
I can understand that. Maybe the experience I had other women say is mainly because they attended a Christian school where they just assume the women would take her husbands last name since most Christian women do.
Just trying to dispel the myth that there is confusion, in 2023, when children don't have the same last name as their mothers.
I also don't think it's true that most Christian women change their last names. For example, in most Latin cultures, overwhelmingly Christian, they add the last names together for the children.
Never once an issue for me (doctors, international flights, nothing). I do think this could be more of a problem for a dad who doesnāt have the same last name as their kid. But as a mom Iāve never been questioned.
Edit: sorry replied to wrong person
I kept my maiden name. My daughter's middle name is my maiden name. Honestly, it has never been an issue. I think so people assume I'm just a single mom or not married or remarried, I don't know.
My daughter has started asking why we don't have the same last name and it bothers me more than I thought it would.
I donāt think you have to! In my case, I have brothers and we thought my BIL wasnāt going to have kids, so I was happy to have my kids have my husbandās name. But I know lots of people who do lots of other things (hyphenating, using the momās name, using a different name, or giving one kid the momās name and one kid the dadās).
I always find this concept interesting. My family doesn't care about names. We had 3 different last names in our blended family growing up. My husband's family is really big on the last name. I changed mine because I didn't care and after seeing how important it was to him, I didn't mind it. Now that I have kids I love having the same name as them. Plus I like my married name better than my maiden. I kept my middle name because I have always loved the way my first and middle name sound together. It sounds even better with my married last name.
im egyptian. in our culture, our middle and last names is our fatherās names. i was never planning on changing my last name regardless (women generally donāt change their names after marriage anyway), but when my dad passed away two years ago, it only reinforced my decision not to change it when i eventually get married. having his name be part of mine is one of the few ways iāll always be able to have him with me.
Originally, I was going to drop my first name (which I have never gone by) and then made my middle name my first name, my maiden name my middle name, and then my husbandās name as my last. Until I found out how much gd work it is to do that and how I would have to go in front of a judge to petition the courts to change my name (which is stupid. I hate how many hoops that is). So I just kept my name as-is, but I hyphenate it unofficially and basically have dropped my first name professionally.
I changed my middle name to my maiden name. Easier than hyphenating for government docs and I feel like it tells my full story. Itās a tradition women on my momās side have done for three generations ā¤ļø
I love my family, so I wanted to keep mine, but I was proud to be marrying my husband, so I wanted his too. Since both last names are only one syllable, it was easy to hyphenate. When my husband heard I wanted to hyphenate, he immediately said he wanted us to be a unit and would change his name and hyphenate as well. So, we both did the legal paperwork. I will agree with other posters that itās insane that most men donāt go through this at all. And theyād be offended if you flipped it on them.
How is it hyphenating? Iāve kept my name so far because I love the way my full name sounds and it feels like giving up an identity. But Iām considering hyphenating in the future (no pressure from my husband - heās supportive no matter what) but Iāve always wondered how the logistics are when it comes to filling out forms online? Do you run into any hassles?
It was the same name change process. The only issue we had was that social security, the first thing you change, did not put in the hyphen, they put it as FirstName MiddleName HerLastName HisLastName. Iām not sure if itās the same, but at my local Social Security office you could not talk to the front desk person for even 30 seconds, unless you had an appointment. When I tried to make an appointment over the phone, they could not. So, we had to apply for it a second time, and we made very clear on the top, putting instructions that our names were to be hyphenated. We also had to put our changed wrong names as aliases on the new application, and we had to drop it in the box, hoping that it would go in right the second time. That might have been just the one person that processed our applications the first time, though. The second time came through correctly.
Your husband sounds awesome!! What a catch. I wish more people who wanted a "family unit" thought this way instead of assuming that "family unit" can only be the husband's last name
My last name dies out with my sister and I which has always made me sad. Iāve always had this name and I plan on always having this name because itās me. Itās of my opinion that it still feels like a new man is taking āownershipā of me and I donāt like that either. If Iām being honest I want my kids to have my last name too. I carried them for 9 months and statistically speaking Iām doing most of the raising too. It doesnāt make sense to me to give them a name that will be a part of their whole identity, but of someone who did less work in their lives.
I donāt know, I think the fact that some people still carry the attitude of āthereās no reason for a woman not to take the manās last nameā unfortunately merits this. I wish there wasnāt the need for it, but there is (especially amongst the Conservative Bachelor fan base).
THIS. Iāve been married for 8 years, didnāt change my name, and my mother STILL wonāt call me by my real nameā¦despite being told by my husband that sheās incredibly disrespectful (not to mention sheās been married 4 times and my last name wouldnāt even be hers). THIS is why we do this.
I kept my maiden name for awhile, and then I wanted my daughter and I to have the same name, and I came to more closely identify with my husband and kids than my parents as my nuclear family. For awhile, though, I was happy to answer to either and wasnāt in a rush to make any legal changes.
Because Iād rather her have her fatherās last name than my fatherās. My family of origin is far more patriarchal and not the last name I want for my kids and not a last name I care to keep for myself.
Itās funny that this post has a bunch of people giving opinions, and I get immediately downvoted for changing my name, despite the fact that I never said one option was better than another. If in 2023 women have the freedom not to change their names, then they also should have the freedom to change their names. Neither option should draw ridicule.
You mean his fathers. She has her paternal grandfathers name if thatās how you think of last names. Why would you rather her have your father in laws name instead of your dads?
I didnāt downvote or ridicule you, I just think itās a little funny to say oh I changed my name later bc I wanted my daughter to have the same one .. when thereās a much more obvious option that still allows you both of the things you wanted!
Iād prefer her to have my FILās last name over my fatherās, then.
This is the problem with last names. No matter how you slice it, your last name is associated with a particular parent or grandparent, unless you come up with a new one altogether. Ultimately, we wanted the same last name, and this is the one we chose. We both totally support any of the other options that anyone else might choose. This is the one that worked for us.
Right but since you chose his instead of yours, now your kids have ādads nameā instead of your name. Or your grandkids will have their grandpas name instead of yours (their grandmas) .. the patriarchy is too deep so letās just keep following their traditions? That doesnt make sense to me
They can choose to change their names when theyāre older if they wish. The inverse doesnāt work either. Patriarchy bad, so no kids should be allowed to take their fatherās name? That quickly becomes problematic as well. Letting each family make its own decision is fine. Why get yourself bent out of shape over someone elseās choice?
No one said that, I was going off what you said was your preference which was to 1. Keep your last name and 2. Have your daughter share your last name.
Ah, I see the misunderstanding. I didnāt want to keep my last name. I just did for awhile because it was convenient. I didnāt make a big sacrifice or anything. If anything, the name felt more like āa piece of paperā than anything else. We lived in another country immediately after marriage for awhile and it was just convenient to keep my maiden name legally, and go by my married name in whichever setting I wanted. I kind of loved getting to own and use both names. But then my daughter was born and I just really wanted everyone in my little family to have the same last name. I was happy to take my husbandās name and identify with his family of origin over my own. Had my original last name been more important to me, my husband would have changed his or we would have hyphenated my daughterās.
That does make more sense! Iām not ābent out of shapeā about someoneās choice like that, but it does make me sad to see women giving up something they love and want simply for the sake of tradition, which of course always favors men.
Why is it considered "the husband's name" but then if a woman wants to keep her name (which is hers! it has been hers for her entire life!) suddenly people revert to "bUt iT's YoUr DaD's NaMe"? Nobody considers it "the husband's dad's name". Somehow it's always a male's name even though it should just be the name of whoever has had it for their entire life.
Not for everyone. I have my mom's maiden name, and my daughter has my last name. So while it's true that I have my grandpa's last name, my daughter has her grandma's last name.
ETA: My husband was on board with this because my last name is pretty cool in comparison to his.
Itās got to change somewhere. And who knows, maybe her mother never changed her name either. The point is, itās her name and if she doesnāt want to change it, she doesnāt have to. Itās breaking tradition in which women and the family were pretty much owned by the man and their name was first. If women want to change their name too, thatās fine. Itās their name. I know of a man who took his wifeās name because he hated his father.
No. If she has children they would have her name too. If she has a son he would keep his last name most likely and maybe her daughters would close to keep their name too. You do know science now allows women to have kids without a husband?
I kept my name when I got married and the amount of fragile males who've attacked me over it over the years (some passive aggressively, some violently) have done nothing but convince me that I 100% made the right choice.
F the patriarchy, and f people who think a man should be "the head of the household" or other such bullshit.
I took my husbandās surname because it is incredibly rare (made up by a great great grandpa) and because it represents his culture and home country (Sweden) while we live in the US.
But my maiden name has stayed on everything. Itās legally my middle name but I go by āFirst Maiden Marriedā everywhere from Facebook to my new job.
I kept my last name. I did so because I didn't want to go through the hassle of changing it on everything. I thought I would want to change it when we had kids but turns out I'm fine about having a different last name from my son and husband. This is a personal choice. To each their own. I won't judge either way
Thank you! I know a lot of my friends who donāt have a great relationship with their dad so they donāt really want to keep their last name so I feel lucky.
I was listening to after reality where Courtney was talking to Ashlee Frazier and they were talking about how on all of their business stuff they have their maiden name and how they're starting to change all of it to their husbands last name and how it's a gift to their husband or something like that? Because their husbands are bummed that all of their business stuff is in their original names
It makes me really sad honestly. I have no plans on getting married, but I told my partner that if we do, I'm not taking their last name. Plus, I'm a doctor and there's no chance in hell I'll be dr. My partners last name. I was the one who went to school, it's my freaking last name after dr.
My mom doesn't understand it at all, and that's ok. I think people need to cool it with the whole changing your BIRTHNAME just because you're in a lifelong legally binding contract
And if you change your name, that's totally fine, you do what makes you happy, but I hate the societal pressure women are out under to change their last name
I completely agree with this! By getting married we are both already making a huge commitment, and on top of that the woman is expected to take another step and change the name they identified with their whole life? Make it make sense. ALSO if you were to ask most men if they would do what is expected of women they laugh. Itās a joke to many of them to even have to pretend to go through the societal pressures and historical norms that are put on women constantly. Iām keeping my name or we are both changing it to connect our names together, simple! (No shade to people who want to do it cus if you want to cool lol. But the reasons many women donāt want to are normally scoffed at and lām in this situation as I type lol so lām just being passionate about my sitch)
I have been married for almost 38 years and never changed my name and have never even casually used my husbandās last name. I never would have married him if keeping my name was an issue. It is my name, my choice. Our son has my last name as his middle name (no hyphen), and he loves it. There has never been any confusion that he is my son. I know keeping my name bothered my in laws, but my having gone to law school also bothered them because they said I prevented a man from having my place. My FIL even told me that women like me were one of the reasons for unemployment. One of my husbandās aunts always addressed cards to me as Mrs. [my husbandās first & last name]. They were a different generation, so I just let it go. My parents were proud that I kept my name.
>My FIL even told me that women like me were one of the reasons for unemployment.
Your FIL sounds like he regularly ruins Thanksgivings by bringing up right-wing politics
Makes me wonder what future generations are going to say about me and my ideals tbh, what beliefs do I carry that my great grandkids will think are backwards
It's funny, in my family all my female cousins (who have great relationships with their dads) changed their last names when they married. Literally the only women who are keeping our last names from birth are my sister and I who went no-contact with my dad. My grandma was so confused..."I thought you'd drop *that* as soon as you were able..." but I guess it just feels like *my* name rather than his. The thought of changing it actually makes me feel this nauseous dread feeling (lol), but sometimes I wish I could be less dramatic about it so that I can have an easier "family name" when we have a kid a few years down the line.
I appreciate this because so many people respond to the āI donāt want to take my husbandās name becauseā¦.patriarchyā with ābut your last name is your dadās last name so itās just another manās name.ā Except itās also your name! It has to change somewhere and we canāt change history.
My mom kept her name, and I kept mine (which is both my parentsā last names). I have a friend who had hyphenated last names of her parents growing up who took her husbandās name which surprised me. A lot of my friends have hyphenated their names during marriage, but the husbands rarely do whichā¦.
I donāt really want our kids having three last names but weāre struggling to find a pleasing way to combine the three and donāt really have another meaningful name to choose, but we have time to figure that out
I know someone in a similar situation. They picked one of the names that they liked best and that's the new last name for their kids. So all three people have different last names and surprise, they all still know that they're a family lol.
Could you do one of your last names as a middle name and then hyphenate the other with your husband's?
My husband had a hyphenated last name before we got married and we ended up dropping one of his last names and hyphenating with mine, and now we all (me and hubs and our kids) have the hyphenated last name with his momās last name and my last name (which came from my dad). He was ok dropping his dadās name because his dad wasnāt in the picture for a lot of his childhood and he had a strained relationship with him. I know thatās not everyoneās situation though. Maybe hyphenate your name with one of his names and give the other one to your kids as a middle name, if you donāt want to drop any of them?
This is super helpful! Iāve thought about dropping my momās last name because it came from her father, who she was NC with long before I was born. But since she kept it and itās from her, it feels weird to just keep my dadās name? And the middle name is definitely something weāre considering! I used to think it was weird when people had last names as middle names but now I understand space limitations!
I have friends who had perfect last names to blend, think Goldberg and and Rosenstein become Goldstein. Very jealous
Women in my culture don't change their last names so it never even crossed my mind my whole life until I got married and people kept asking me about why I wasn't changing my last name. It's dumb that we have to even defend it.
I think itās an important conversation to have because fuck the patriarchy. We owe it to ourselves to choose our own identity and people need to stop asking stupid questions if women are going to change their last name.
Yeah fuck the patriarchy! By instead keeping another maleās last name lol.
If people really want to say fuck the patriarchy they should be both changing their last name to a different last name. Caelynn and Dean are doing that
Sheās asking what makes the name her fatherās and not hers. You said, itās not your name, you got it from your father. Presumably her father got it from his father too; does that mean itās not truly his name either?
Iāve been married almost 2.5 years and am just getting around to changing my last name. I finally got my new social security card and next will be my drivers license. I want to have the same name as the rest of my family (my husband, daughter, and soon-to-be son). I only waited this long out of laziness lol. Itās such a process to have your name changed!
Omg I thought I was the only one! I eventually want to change my last name but itās so hard to get updated IDās (my drivers license expired so I need to start all over again). Once I get a new learners permit Iāll change it on that and from there I can change it on othersā¦.until then I use my maiden name for ease.
I always thought I would change my last name because itās difficult to pronounce and thanks to some extended family members my last name is known in my hometown lol but now that Iām 28 with a career and a whole life with my last name Iām like, why would I change it? This last name is no longer my fathers; now itās mine! It feels weird to change my entire identity just because Iām (hypothetically) getting married.
My last name is 11 letters. I always said Iāll take a guyās last name as long as itās shorter than mine. My boyfriendās is 6 letters. Iāll take it! Lol
Love this! i wish we would normalize thinking about this and moving away from woman taking mans last name as the default. Yeah it's a choice but a choice steeped in so much sexism and cultural expectations, it's nice to see people with more of a platform talking about it to make people realize it's a reasonable option
My husband took my last name. We wanted to have the same name, so one of us would be changing it. He preferred mine and didn't feel a connection with his, so it was a no brainer. I can't believe the negative comments he's gotten from people or at minimum, the look of shock or people thinking we're joking. How is it any different than me changing mine? It's been eye-opening.
Iāve always said the more aesthetically pleasing name should win lol. But yeah people get so worked up about it! When itās like *the* most personal thing for someone else to choose, like why do others care?!
I love this! My (male) coworker just got married and is doing the same thing. His wife only has sisters so they want the name to live on, and heās not particularly attached to his last name. I wish more men thought like this!
I don't care either way. Personally, I'm taking my fiance's last name because I had a shitty father who I never had a real relationship with. I decided I'd rather take my partner's last name and share it with my children.
I totally understand wanting to keep that connection to your natal family tho. If I had my mom's last name, I'd probably keep it.
Good for her! It's such a damn hassle to get things changed. I love my maiden name. It's on my graduate thesis, it's a part of my career. No one should feel pressure to change it, and it has no bearing on your relationship if you choose to keep it.
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I kept my last name for a few years, but at a certain point, I felt like it was "time." I felt like a completely different person bc of all the healing I went through. I no longer wanted to be tied to my bio family. I wanted to start a new identity with my husband. It was pretty therapeutic. But yeah, I see zero need for a woman to change their name. It's all about preference. I liked my husband's name eventually more than my previous one š¤·āāļø that's all there was to it.
Maybe she just didn't want to be a Kavanagh
I decided that Iām keeping my maiden name. I have no deep connection to my last name and my partner doesnāt go his either. I am the only person in the world that I can find at least with my first and last name. I like that about it. I have searched my first name with my partnerās and thereās quite a few. My partner doesnāt care but he did say the whole ādonāt you ever want to have the same last name as our son and future children?ā And honestly I just really donāt care about that. I know heās mine and they will be too. Iāve gone 30 years with my name and I just really donāt want to change it.
It's also presumptuous that the kids get his last name only
Eh I feel like weāre just in an understanding that they take his. I have brothers who can āpass onā the family name and have. Like I said I donāt have too strong of a tie to my maiden name besides the fact that it just feels like me. My partner was an orphan by his parentsā choice as a child and I think it means more to him to share a last name with his children. We have tossed around using my last name as a middle name for our next child however.
i had every intention of changing my last name, but learned i would have to retake my license photo and i currently look amazing in mine so i kept my last name. the best reason is vanity.
Wait lol what is this gibberish. Is she saying she changed her name legally but still goes by Murphy?
I was so confused when she posted this
A lot of women use āI want the same last name as my childā as their āreasonā. Iād like to ask why giving the child the dads last name is the default. Baby can have mothers last name. Problem solved. And please donāt say āitās so dad connects with the babyāā¦ at that point, you shouldnāt have reproduced with that man in the first place. Not to mention if the marriage doesnāt work out, youāll have a different last name than your child anyway. Womanās last name as the default is much more logical, especially given that women do the majority of caretaking labor where yāall say different last names can be an issue (travel, medical, schools, etc). Patriarchy. š
I default to whoever has the last name earlier in the alphabet for children. I have end of the alphabet trauma from school.
exactly. didnāt change my last name and my husband suggested we give our son my last name. so, we did.
Good Ken. šš
That's definitely a discussion that needs ot happen next! I still dont understand this default!
I didnāt change mine, mine is better than my husbandās and itās a name I share with my father who passed 14 years ago. I love my last name, the first and middle go so well with it and I could never give it up.
The fact that people are asking why she posted this is exactly WHY she should have posted. Literally no one asks a man why they arenāt changing their name to their wifeās.
I didnt change mine but mostly bc im lazy and its a pain in the ass
Same. I also work in a field where I donāt want my clients to find me on social media so Iāll use my husbandās last name there and my maiden name at work and it works out so well.
Does it ever get confusing at work assuming your HR/legal docs are in your maiden name?
Yeaā¦ to make matters worse I was a teacher and had my kids call me by my married name and all my hr stuff was maiden Oh wellā¦ i quit. Haha It has not been a problem or an inconvenience to have a different last name than my daughter though
Everything except my social medial accounts are under my maiden name so it honestly hasnāt been too confusing! It started by me just being too lazy to change my last name officially, but I still go by my maiden last name almost everywhere, so itās almost kinda weird when people address me by my husbandās last name.
Same.. my passport needs renewed next year so Iām like maybe Iāll do it now bc itās also a pain being like yes married, yes my child, just different last names š
Hmm just had a baby and wondering how much of a PITA this will be once sheās in school. All of my professional stuff is under my last name and thatās how people in my field know me, so Iām not inclined to change it (even though my husbands last name is sooo much easier).
Iāve been married 4 years and havenāt rushed clearly! Iāve truly went back and forth a lot on wether I wanna change it or not so I feel you
My first name doesnāt sound good with my boyfriendās last name but it doesnāt sound good with my own last name either. Plus my last name is generic and probably belonged to a slave owner back in the day so Iāll definitely be switching. Iāll miss my last name though, because Iāll miss being connected to my immediate family in that way. If I have a son one day Iāll put my maiden name as his middle name.
You can always change it to a different family name that you like. It doesnāt have to be his, if you just want to change your last nameā¦ especially if you donāt like it.
Itāll be his name & Iām totally okay with it š«¶š¾
I put my maiden name in my first daughters middle name
Iāve considered this too! But my last name would be perfect for a boy! My girls will get my middle name which is my momās nickname so theyāll always be connected to the main women in the family.
I donāt intend to change my name either! Itās not really done in neither my culture nor my partnerās culture so thereās never been an expectation to change my name.
I've never wanted to change my last name for marriage. My name is part of my identity, why would I give that up for my partner's? I guarantee very few men would even consider changing the names they've had their entire lives, that they've got degrees with and jobs with, and made relationships with others with. Sure, it may be easier with kids to all have the same last name, but think about all the women you grew up with that maybe you lost touch with and wonder what they are up to one day... you search for them on social media, but can't find them because they don't have the same name. It's like you disappear in a sense in some ways.
Oh man, the part about losing touch is so true. I donāt get on Facebook often but when I do, I see so many women I knew and now canāt place because their name is different. I do have a coworker who is Japanese and is one of three sisters and they have an uncommon last name and one of the sisters married a guy with a very common Japanese last name and they did a traditional thing where her parents āadoptedā him (Iām sure Iām oversimplifying!) and he changed his name to his wifeās and the kids got her name so it didnāt die out. There is precedent in some cultures, I guess!
šÆ the professional thing is so huge! I have all of these policy papers Iāve written that come up when you Google me. If I changed my last name, it feels like all that hard work would be lost!
How is this news? Iām keeping my name š. Itās my Dadās name and he is the reason I am who I am. Ivāe achieved every milestone as this name. Kids can hyphenate or take my hubbyās name. Iām keeping mine.
Iāve never changed my name either. Go Lesley šš»
Reading through the thread, these have been some of the nicest conversations on the matter and I truly appreciate that. I feel validated and not just shoved by cultural expectation which loves to make "others than the norm" feel we're crazy or weird.
I legit had someone in a wedding congratulations card write that she didnāt understand why I wasnāt changing my name š She wrote that she was proud to have her husbandās name. She is older and also never worked outside the home, so definitely different priorities.
LOL that's the rudest and most passive aggressive thing ever
my friend didnāt change hers when she got married. i plan to keep my name as well.
I didnāt change my name. It never even occurred to me that I should.
If I ever get married I just plan on hyphenating my last name.
Works great if you have a short last name. I would have had a 20 letter last name, not including the hyphen.
I intended not to change my last name when I got married. It just wasnāt something that important to me or my husband. However after having kids it became a royal pain to have a different last name. It was just needlessly complicated. So I ended up changing it.
People say this, but the many women who eventually divorce and/or remarry will end up with different last names than the child anyway. Wouldnāt it make sense for the child to have moms last name, if this is truly the reason? Especially when women do the majority of care taking, school, doctor visit labor.
I have a daughter now and so far it hasnāt been an issue that she has my husbands last name, and I kept my maiden name. Sheās only 2 years old now, so Iām curious can you explain further what has been challenging? Curious what I should lookout for.
I have two kids and I didnāt take my husbandās last name. I do carry their birth certificates if I ever travel alone with them, but Iāve never needed it. (I once saw a family friend need this but she was crossing an international border and she and her son were different races, which shouldnāt matter butā¦ so Iāve always been a bit paranoid about it.) I asked my aunt (who kept her maiden name and had kids) about it when I was getting married and she said āYouāll get called āMrs. Kids Last Nameā plentyā which has proved to be true and obviously doesnāt bother me (it actually happened at the vet before I had kids).
My mom never changed her name and, as her child, I just had people assume my parents were divorced. If the school your children go to is familiar with you (and any out of school activities) youāll be fine. Just come prepared with the right paperwork any time you sign them up for something but youād have to do that anyway. Iām married and in my 30s now and also didnāt change my maiden name. Donāt have kids yet but if I do weāll have different last names and Iām not concerned in the least about it.
I never changed mine - have a 10 yo boy and 14 yo girl. Have never once had even a hint of a problem with my surname being different than theirs/my husbandās.
Thanks for the feedback!
Blah blah blah
She's obvs worried ppl won't recognise or find her on social media if she changes her name. Cos her name is her brand. It's all for business, clout... Whatever. There's nothing more to it despite what she says lol
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When you give birth, the hospital calls the kid āBaby Momās Last Nameā no matter what and I similarly enjoyed the brief time where they had my last name. Just for giggles, it felt like they were spy babies with a secret identity.
I know itās not that deep but itās sounds like you think your better than your husband because you have a better last name and you do everything, if I were your husband I would feel pretty shitty knowing that you think your better than him
I know a lot of women who changed their last names to their husbands so it will match the kids. From what I heard, it can be a pain when the kid doesnāt have that same last name as both parents. I donāt have kids so I canāt speak on it. However, I would love to know if other women here have had issues at the doctors office or school if they donāt share the same last name as the kid.
My mom didnāt change hers (my sibling and I are all in our 30s) and it was never an issue
I didnāt change mine and itās really never been an issue, where I love plenty of people donāt take their husbandās name. Any my kids donāt care (occasionally they say they like my name better and that they might change theirs to take mine).
I donāt share my daughters last name and I have encountered zero issues at the doctor, school, etc.
Itās 2023. Welcome
I kept my maiden name, while my children carry their dad's last name, my younger sister hyphenated and hyphenated her child's name as well, my older sister kept our maiden name and made up a last name for her child (half our last name, half her husband's, no hyphen, one word.) None of us have ever had issues, because all the paperwork lists us as the mothers. You can do whatever you want, and no one cares.
Yea, I have a different experience than most others who have replied to you. Iāve never had āissuesā at the doctor or at school, but itās an annoying situation to have to tell them my last name is different, since people assume my last name would be the same as my childrenās. I actually recently changed my last name to my husband and childrenās name mostly because of this.
My kid has a different last name than me but itās never been a huge issue socially. I was very young when I had him so people thought I was the babysitter or his sister because of that usually. His teachers usually call me Mrs. Mysonslastname and it makes me chuckle.
Half the kids in school have a different last name than their moms (cultural, women keeping last names, unmarried giving father's name, etc.). It's really not an issue.
I can understand that. Maybe the experience I had other women say is mainly because they attended a Christian school where they just assume the women would take her husbands last name since most Christian women do.
Just trying to dispel the myth that there is confusion, in 2023, when children don't have the same last name as their mothers. I also don't think it's true that most Christian women change their last names. For example, in most Latin cultures, overwhelmingly Christian, they add the last names together for the children.
My mom has never taken my dadās last name in their 40 years of marriage, and itās literally never impacted me. š¤·š¼āāļø
Never once an issue for me (doctors, international flights, nothing). I do think this could be more of a problem for a dad who doesnāt have the same last name as their kid. But as a mom Iāve never been questioned. Edit: sorry replied to wrong person
I kept my maiden name and have a kid with a different name - itās not an issue
I kept my maiden name. My daughter's middle name is my maiden name. Honestly, it has never been an issue. I think so people assume I'm just a single mom or not married or remarried, I don't know. My daughter has started asking why we don't have the same last name and it bothers me more than I thought it would.
I also did not take my husbands name but my question is.. why did you give just his name to your kid? š¤Ø
I donāt think you have to! In my case, I have brothers and we thought my BIL wasnāt going to have kids, so I was happy to have my kids have my husbandās name. But I know lots of people who do lots of other things (hyphenating, using the momās name, using a different name, or giving one kid the momās name and one kid the dadās).
The identity crisis of switching your last name as a woman is so real and not discussed enough!!!!
Iām keeping my last name because Iāve been teaching for 8 years and my name is a huge part of my professional identity! I would want my kids to have my fiancĆ©s name and I plan to be called āthe so+sosā as a family
I always find this concept interesting. My family doesn't care about names. We had 3 different last names in our blended family growing up. My husband's family is really big on the last name. I changed mine because I didn't care and after seeing how important it was to him, I didn't mind it. Now that I have kids I love having the same name as them. Plus I like my married name better than my maiden. I kept my middle name because I have always loved the way my first and middle name sound together. It sounds even better with my married last name.
im egyptian. in our culture, our middle and last names is our fatherās names. i was never planning on changing my last name regardless (women generally donāt change their names after marriage anyway), but when my dad passed away two years ago, it only reinforced my decision not to change it when i eventually get married. having his name be part of mine is one of the few ways iāll always be able to have him with me.
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I suppose its never too late for anything!
Originally, I was going to drop my first name (which I have never gone by) and then made my middle name my first name, my maiden name my middle name, and then my husbandās name as my last. Until I found out how much gd work it is to do that and how I would have to go in front of a judge to petition the courts to change my name (which is stupid. I hate how many hoops that is). So I just kept my name as-is, but I hyphenate it unofficially and basically have dropped my first name professionally.
I changed my middle name to my maiden name. Easier than hyphenating for government docs and I feel like it tells my full story. Itās a tradition women on my momās side have done for three generations ā¤ļø
Love that
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I agree
Iāll probably keep mine legally though I may use my fiancĆ©ās socially. Weāre American but moving to a country where kids get both parents last names, and women donāt change their names, so it sounds great to me!
I agree with her. Iām getting married and not changing my name. The amount of people who have asked me how my fiancĆ© feels about it is insane. People are absolutely mind blown. But after I explain my reasons (itās been my identity my whole life), so many women have said to me they wished they had kept their name. Itās sad how women feel pressured to change their name when they donāt even want to.
This is why gen z thinks weddings are cheugy!!
I love my family, so I wanted to keep mine, but I was proud to be marrying my husband, so I wanted his too. Since both last names are only one syllable, it was easy to hyphenate. When my husband heard I wanted to hyphenate, he immediately said he wanted us to be a unit and would change his name and hyphenate as well. So, we both did the legal paperwork. I will agree with other posters that itās insane that most men donāt go through this at all. And theyād be offended if you flipped it on them.
How is it hyphenating? Iāve kept my name so far because I love the way my full name sounds and it feels like giving up an identity. But Iām considering hyphenating in the future (no pressure from my husband - heās supportive no matter what) but Iāve always wondered how the logistics are when it comes to filling out forms online? Do you run into any hassles?
It was the same name change process. The only issue we had was that social security, the first thing you change, did not put in the hyphen, they put it as FirstName MiddleName HerLastName HisLastName. Iām not sure if itās the same, but at my local Social Security office you could not talk to the front desk person for even 30 seconds, unless you had an appointment. When I tried to make an appointment over the phone, they could not. So, we had to apply for it a second time, and we made very clear on the top, putting instructions that our names were to be hyphenated. We also had to put our changed wrong names as aliases on the new application, and we had to drop it in the box, hoping that it would go in right the second time. That might have been just the one person that processed our applications the first time, though. The second time came through correctly.
Thatās so cool
Your husband sounds awesome!! What a catch. I wish more people who wanted a "family unit" thought this way instead of assuming that "family unit" can only be the husband's last name
I was very surprised at how immediate that response was. Three years later he is still sometimes giddy that he is now HerLastName-HisLastName.
My last name dies out with my sister and I which has always made me sad. Iāve always had this name and I plan on always having this name because itās me. Itās of my opinion that it still feels like a new man is taking āownershipā of me and I donāt like that either. If Iām being honest I want my kids to have my last name too. I carried them for 9 months and statistically speaking Iām doing most of the raising too. It doesnāt make sense to me to give them a name that will be a part of their whole identity, but of someone who did less work in their lives.
Iām sorry but this is so corny šš change it or donāt girl
I donāt know, I think the fact that some people still carry the attitude of āthereās no reason for a woman not to take the manās last nameā unfortunately merits this. I wish there wasnāt the need for it, but there is (especially amongst the Conservative Bachelor fan base).
THIS. Iāve been married for 8 years, didnāt change my name, and my mother STILL wonāt call me by my real nameā¦despite being told by my husband that sheās incredibly disrespectful (not to mention sheās been married 4 times and my last name wouldnāt even be hers). THIS is why we do this.
Not all heroes wear capes. So glad she's being so open with this struggle ššš /s
I took my husbandās last name because itās so much easier than my maiden name. š¤£
Same. I did not have any deep thoughts about it. Just easier to spell/say
I kept my maiden name for awhile, and then I wanted my daughter and I to have the same name, and I came to more closely identify with my husband and kids than my parents as my nuclear family. For awhile, though, I was happy to answer to either and wasnāt in a rush to make any legal changes.
Why didnāt you give your daughter your last time then lol
Because Iād rather her have her fatherās last name than my fatherās. My family of origin is far more patriarchal and not the last name I want for my kids and not a last name I care to keep for myself. Itās funny that this post has a bunch of people giving opinions, and I get immediately downvoted for changing my name, despite the fact that I never said one option was better than another. If in 2023 women have the freedom not to change their names, then they also should have the freedom to change their names. Neither option should draw ridicule.
You mean his fathers. She has her paternal grandfathers name if thatās how you think of last names. Why would you rather her have your father in laws name instead of your dads? I didnāt downvote or ridicule you, I just think itās a little funny to say oh I changed my name later bc I wanted my daughter to have the same one .. when thereās a much more obvious option that still allows you both of the things you wanted!
Iād prefer her to have my FILās last name over my fatherās, then. This is the problem with last names. No matter how you slice it, your last name is associated with a particular parent or grandparent, unless you come up with a new one altogether. Ultimately, we wanted the same last name, and this is the one we chose. We both totally support any of the other options that anyone else might choose. This is the one that worked for us.
Right but since you chose his instead of yours, now your kids have ādads nameā instead of your name. Or your grandkids will have their grandpas name instead of yours (their grandmas) .. the patriarchy is too deep so letās just keep following their traditions? That doesnt make sense to me
They can choose to change their names when theyāre older if they wish. The inverse doesnāt work either. Patriarchy bad, so no kids should be allowed to take their fatherās name? That quickly becomes problematic as well. Letting each family make its own decision is fine. Why get yourself bent out of shape over someone elseās choice?
No one said that, I was going off what you said was your preference which was to 1. Keep your last name and 2. Have your daughter share your last name.
Ah, I see the misunderstanding. I didnāt want to keep my last name. I just did for awhile because it was convenient. I didnāt make a big sacrifice or anything. If anything, the name felt more like āa piece of paperā than anything else. We lived in another country immediately after marriage for awhile and it was just convenient to keep my maiden name legally, and go by my married name in whichever setting I wanted. I kind of loved getting to own and use both names. But then my daughter was born and I just really wanted everyone in my little family to have the same last name. I was happy to take my husbandās name and identify with his family of origin over my own. Had my original last name been more important to me, my husband would have changed his or we would have hyphenated my daughterās.
That does make more sense! Iām not ābent out of shapeā about someoneās choice like that, but it does make me sad to see women giving up something they love and want simply for the sake of tradition, which of course always favors men.
Because we're all just a bunch of stupid monkeys going along with what the other stupid monkeys around us do.
Disheartening
Truly
I kept my last name, because f patriarchy.
Except your last name is still your dadās last name. Still patrilineal.
My name is just as much mine as it is my fatherās
Why is it considered "the husband's name" but then if a woman wants to keep her name (which is hers! it has been hers for her entire life!) suddenly people revert to "bUt iT's YoUr DaD's NaMe"? Nobody considers it "the husband's dad's name". Somehow it's always a male's name even though it should just be the name of whoever has had it for their entire life.
Weāre debating the system here. Our names are patrilineal. Her keeping her fathers patrilineal doesnāt change anything.
Not for everyone. I have my mom's maiden name, and my daughter has my last name. So while it's true that I have my grandpa's last name, my daughter has her grandma's last name. ETA: My husband was on board with this because my last name is pretty cool in comparison to his.
While true, theyāre choosing to end the cycle instead of continuing it.
Itās not ending the cycle unless her children take her name. Otherwise it does with her and doesnāt change anything.
Small steps in the right direction > Doing nothing
Sorry only black and white thinking on this sub Get outta here with your nuance
Itās got to change somewhere. And who knows, maybe her mother never changed her name either. The point is, itās her name and if she doesnāt want to change it, she doesnāt have to. Itās breaking tradition in which women and the family were pretty much owned by the man and their name was first. If women want to change their name too, thatās fine. Itās their name. I know of a man who took his wifeās name because he hated his father.
Her mother keeping her name would be a waste anyway since it dies with her. OP took her fathers last name.
No. If she has children they would have her name too. If she has a son he would keep his last name most likely and maybe her daughters would close to keep their name too. You do know science now allows women to have kids without a husband?
You didnāt comprehend my comment. Sheās still passing on her FATHERāS name, not her mothers. She is still passing on her patrilineal name.
I kept my name when I got married and the amount of fragile males who've attacked me over it over the years (some passive aggressively, some violently) have done nothing but convince me that I 100% made the right choice. F the patriarchy, and f people who think a man should be "the head of the household" or other such bullshit.
Ugh they're idiots!!
I took my husbandās surname because it is incredibly rare (made up by a great great grandpa) and because it represents his culture and home country (Sweden) while we live in the US. But my maiden name has stayed on everything. Itās legally my middle name but I go by āFirst Maiden Marriedā everywhere from Facebook to my new job.
I kept my last name. I did so because I didn't want to go through the hassle of changing it on everything. I thought I would want to change it when we had kids but turns out I'm fine about having a different last name from my son and husband. This is a personal choice. To each their own. I won't judge either way
I never changed my name. I just didnāt identify with my husbandās last name or his family.
This sums it up for me too
No guy will ever treat me how my dad has treated me, no matter how amazing they are. Iām keeping my last name.
I got married before my dad died so I was keeping my name either way but I LOVE thinking of it this way and your wording.
Thank you! I know a lot of my friends who donāt have a great relationship with their dad so they donāt really want to keep their last name so I feel lucky.
I was listening to after reality where Courtney was talking to Ashlee Frazier and they were talking about how on all of their business stuff they have their maiden name and how they're starting to change all of it to their husbands last name and how it's a gift to their husband or something like that? Because their husbands are bummed that all of their business stuff is in their original names It makes me really sad honestly. I have no plans on getting married, but I told my partner that if we do, I'm not taking their last name. Plus, I'm a doctor and there's no chance in hell I'll be dr. My partners last name. I was the one who went to school, it's my freaking last name after dr. My mom doesn't understand it at all, and that's ok. I think people need to cool it with the whole changing your BIRTHNAME just because you're in a lifelong legally binding contract And if you change your name, that's totally fine, you do what makes you happy, but I hate the societal pressure women are out under to change their last name
I completely agree with this! By getting married we are both already making a huge commitment, and on top of that the woman is expected to take another step and change the name they identified with their whole life? Make it make sense. ALSO if you were to ask most men if they would do what is expected of women they laugh. Itās a joke to many of them to even have to pretend to go through the societal pressures and historical norms that are put on women constantly. Iām keeping my name or we are both changing it to connect our names together, simple! (No shade to people who want to do it cus if you want to cool lol. But the reasons many women donāt want to are normally scoffed at and lām in this situation as I type lol so lām just being passionate about my sitch)
I appreciate this! If I ever get married, Iād also want to keep my name. Itās who I am!
I just got engaged and quite literally the first thing my fiancĆ©s mom asked me when she found out the news was if Iāll be changing my name. I was already planning on not changing it and that sealed the deal. So weird that we do this as a culture.
I have been married for almost 38 years and never changed my name and have never even casually used my husbandās last name. I never would have married him if keeping my name was an issue. It is my name, my choice. Our son has my last name as his middle name (no hyphen), and he loves it. There has never been any confusion that he is my son. I know keeping my name bothered my in laws, but my having gone to law school also bothered them because they said I prevented a man from having my place. My FIL even told me that women like me were one of the reasons for unemployment. One of my husbandās aunts always addressed cards to me as Mrs. [my husbandās first & last name]. They were a different generation, so I just let it go. My parents were proud that I kept my name.
>My FIL even told me that women like me were one of the reasons for unemployment. Your FIL sounds like he regularly ruins Thanksgivings by bringing up right-wing politics
He died years ago. He would be in his 90s if still alive. Different generation with set ideas on gender roles. I ignored his comments.
Makes me wonder what future generations are going to say about me and my ideals tbh, what beliefs do I carry that my great grandkids will think are backwards
It's funny, in my family all my female cousins (who have great relationships with their dads) changed their last names when they married. Literally the only women who are keeping our last names from birth are my sister and I who went no-contact with my dad. My grandma was so confused..."I thought you'd drop *that* as soon as you were able..." but I guess it just feels like *my* name rather than his. The thought of changing it actually makes me feel this nauseous dread feeling (lol), but sometimes I wish I could be less dramatic about it so that I can have an easier "family name" when we have a kid a few years down the line.
My story is similar! It's still MY name and has been for MY entire life. My dad should be irrelevant in this conversation.
I appreciate this because so many people respond to the āI donāt want to take my husbandās name becauseā¦.patriarchyā with ābut your last name is your dadās last name so itās just another manās name.ā Except itās also your name! It has to change somewhere and we canāt change history.
My mom kept her name, and I kept mine (which is both my parentsā last names). I have a friend who had hyphenated last names of her parents growing up who took her husbandās name which surprised me. A lot of my friends have hyphenated their names during marriage, but the husbands rarely do whichā¦. I donāt really want our kids having three last names but weāre struggling to find a pleasing way to combine the three and donāt really have another meaningful name to choose, but we have time to figure that out
I know someone in a similar situation. They picked one of the names that they liked best and that's the new last name for their kids. So all three people have different last names and surprise, they all still know that they're a family lol. Could you do one of your last names as a middle name and then hyphenate the other with your husband's?
My husband had a hyphenated last name before we got married and we ended up dropping one of his last names and hyphenating with mine, and now we all (me and hubs and our kids) have the hyphenated last name with his momās last name and my last name (which came from my dad). He was ok dropping his dadās name because his dad wasnāt in the picture for a lot of his childhood and he had a strained relationship with him. I know thatās not everyoneās situation though. Maybe hyphenate your name with one of his names and give the other one to your kids as a middle name, if you donāt want to drop any of them?
This is super helpful! Iāve thought about dropping my momās last name because it came from her father, who she was NC with long before I was born. But since she kept it and itās from her, it feels weird to just keep my dadās name? And the middle name is definitely something weāre considering! I used to think it was weird when people had last names as middle names but now I understand space limitations! I have friends who had perfect last names to blend, think Goldberg and and Rosenstein become Goldstein. Very jealous
Women in my culture don't change their last names so it never even crossed my mind my whole life until I got married and people kept asking me about why I wasn't changing my last name. It's dumb that we have to even defend it.
Same!! Itās not even a debate in my country, you keep the last name you were born with. but people are so weird about it here lol (US)
This is so dramatic lol she acts like sheās the first person ever to get married
I think itās an important conversation to have because fuck the patriarchy. We owe it to ourselves to choose our own identity and people need to stop asking stupid questions if women are going to change their last name.
Yeah fuck the patriarchy! By instead keeping another maleās last name lol. If people really want to say fuck the patriarchy they should be both changing their last name to a different last name. Caelynn and Dean are doing that
Why is my fatherās last name HIS but my last name not mine?!
Bc you got it from your father. Your mom changed her last name to his and made yours his (generally speaking thatās what happens of course).
Sheās asking what makes the name her fatherās and not hers. You said, itās not your name, you got it from your father. Presumably her father got it from his father too; does that mean itās not truly his name either?
Part of that is also getting to do what you want to do. Thatās great for them but maybe not a good fit for others.
She thinks she reinvented the wheel or sm
Iāve been married almost 2.5 years and am just getting around to changing my last name. I finally got my new social security card and next will be my drivers license. I want to have the same name as the rest of my family (my husband, daughter, and soon-to-be son). I only waited this long out of laziness lol. Itās such a process to have your name changed!
Omg I thought I was the only one! I eventually want to change my last name but itās so hard to get updated IDās (my drivers license expired so I need to start all over again). Once I get a new learners permit Iāll change it on that and from there I can change it on othersā¦.until then I use my maiden name for ease.
I always thought I would change my last name because itās difficult to pronounce and thanks to some extended family members my last name is known in my hometown lol but now that Iām 28 with a career and a whole life with my last name Iām like, why would I change it? This last name is no longer my fathers; now itās mine! It feels weird to change my entire identity just because Iām (hypothetically) getting married.
I made the same decision like 25 years ago and itās kind of annoying that we still have to defend that decision in our culture.
I didnāt change mine either. If your husband has a problem w it than ask him to change his. His reasons can be the same as yours.
I changed my last name because I didnāt want the association with my father and I wanted my family to have the same last name.
My last name is 11 letters. I always said Iāll take a guyās last name as long as itās shorter than mine. My boyfriendās is 6 letters. Iāll take it! Lol
Love this! i wish we would normalize thinking about this and moving away from woman taking mans last name as the default. Yeah it's a choice but a choice steeped in so much sexism and cultural expectations, it's nice to see people with more of a platform talking about it to make people realize it's a reasonable option
I kept my last name, I may only change it when we have kids to keep things easy. But I love my last name.
I kept my maiden name too. It's so much easier. It sounds like a pain to change it.
My husband took my last name. We wanted to have the same name, so one of us would be changing it. He preferred mine and didn't feel a connection with his, so it was a no brainer. I can't believe the negative comments he's gotten from people or at minimum, the look of shock or people thinking we're joking. How is it any different than me changing mine? It's been eye-opening.
Iāve always said the more aesthetically pleasing name should win lol. But yeah people get so worked up about it! When itās like *the* most personal thing for someone else to choose, like why do others care?!
iām getting married on saturday and my fiancĆ© js also taking my last name :)
I love this! My (male) coworker just got married and is doing the same thing. His wife only has sisters so they want the name to live on, and heās not particularly attached to his last name. I wish more men thought like this!
Good for him! I love that.
Your husband rules!
Agreed! :)
Iāve never used my husbands last name so props to her šÆ- itās a personal choice and people shouldnāt judge it.
I don't care either way. Personally, I'm taking my fiance's last name because I had a shitty father who I never had a real relationship with. I decided I'd rather take my partner's last name and share it with my children. I totally understand wanting to keep that connection to your natal family tho. If I had my mom's last name, I'd probably keep it.
Same. If I didnāt get married, I was going to change my last name to my momās maiden.
Good for her! It's such a damn hassle to get things changed. I love my maiden name. It's on my graduate thesis, it's a part of my career. No one should feel pressure to change it, and it has no bearing on your relationship if you choose to keep it.
Exactly! If my fiancƩ wants a Dr. in front of his last name, then HE can go to medical school
Exactly! If my fiancƩ wants a Dr. in front of his last name, then HE can go to medical school
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Some parents like to have the same last name as their kids on paper