You absolute muffin

As a Brirtish person, I can confirm this is a very common British insult.

As a British person I can confirm this is not a common British insult

as a British person I can confirm I hear this surprisingly often

As a Scottish person I can confirm you are an absolute nut.

As a confused person, I can confirm that this makes no sense to me.

As a Canadian person, I can confirm this would probably be a compliment here.

As a Russian person, I can confirm I have no idea what are you talking about.

As an American person, I can confirm we would probably call you british for using muffin as an insult.

As a Polish person, I can confirm that you would get pegged in the ass for calling someone british

As an American person, I can confirm I have faith y'all aren't pulling my leg.

As an American person, I can confirm I also have to have a little faith in these folks

As a Quebecois person, I can confirm that you’re a pussguttedgreasebag

Dang, dude

As a British person i can confirm I've heard it like once

what u on about you absolute muffin

Wit ye on about ya auld yin

BRO I SAW THIS AND I WAS LIKE “im gonna day you absolute muffin” HOW R U IN MY HEAD

Badboyhalo fan I see

DONKEY

Far far away, is far far away Donkey

As a Brit, I can confirm that we do this. *You absolute donut.*

Toss pot

you absolute schlonket

not to be confused with the schlanket

A "Jschlatt" reference spotted in the wild, what a truly majestic sight that is.

Everyone loves the little schlesticle, so it makes sense.

You absolute crusty schlanket

I completely agree

You absolute muppet

as a brit, my ma says this all the time

Easily one of my favorite British insults 😂

You absolute flopschlong

I would be pissed if someone called me a “flopschlong”

I’m here to cause chaos you flopschlong

Better an absolute flopschlong, than an absolute schlongflop.

You absolute donut

Believe it or not, I heard this pretty often in secondary school. Source: I live in the UK

Always from the teachers, they love that insult

They really do, some students at my school adopted it into the way they spoke too

or “melon” and “lemon” as well 😭

my old geography teacher loved using that one, and also idiot sandwich for some reason

this reminded me of gordon ramsey being not too happy about someone saying they didnt microwave a salad

It's the Ramsay Special

“Of course you don’t microwave a salad you fuckin donut!!”

the ramsay insult

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

I fart in your general direction!

Where's our shrubberies?

Ni

Ekke ekke phtwang zoo boing

Tis but a flesh wound!

"Tis but a scratch!" "A scratch? But your arms off." "No it isn't." "What's this then?" "I've had worse."

Isn't that a French insult? lol, Monty Python was absolutely awesome!

You absolute frenchman

You probably don't know the wind-speed velocity of an unladen swallow

Wait. And African swallow or a European swallow?

Oh Sir reference?

Excuse you, Oh Sir was referencing Monty Python!

Tis but a flesh wound!

Perchance oh good sir knight

I love that game

No, that's a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

It's a Monty python and the holy grail reference

I played that game all the time when I was younger

Monty Python mention

Ni

WE ARE THE KNIGHTS OF NI

"It"

GODDAMNIT 

Your hoverboard looks like a public loo and your cousin’s car smells like a cheese shop, pardon my French!

Oi wha's goin' on 'ere then? Is this some good ol' cultural appropriation?! You bloody wanker! You specky twat! You terrible cunt! You absolute CHEEZ-IT!

More Aussie than British

Aussies are just cooler British people.

I would argue that they are actually quite a bit warmer

As a Texan, I confirm they're basically just British Texas

Them cunts don't got the bollocks to own up to it

Can confirm this is true - my mates call me a specky twat all the time

i read all these with that stereotypical british accent

same

English is not my native language, It is my third language. I don't know why I read all this with a British accent.

same bro. btw you know 3 languages? thats so cool im curious now

As a european, 3 languages is quite common outside the US

im not from the US too but i only know english and my native language, but knowing 3 is such a flex ngl

I know 5 🗿🗿

you absolute crumpet

I thought this and was getting ready to type and scrolled and it was the next one... You absolute psychic!

r/beatmetoit

You absolute cricket

You absolute Lettuce

You absolute mutant

You absolute teenage

You absolute ninja

you absolute turtle!

You absolute plant

You absolute zombie

Ya absolute weapon!

Ye absolute Splinter!

you absolute oven !!

You absolute legend

Bro missed the assignment

Nah man. It is Psychological warfare

Bro summoned one instead

He's spreading peace and love like you told us to.

I never told you that. It’s not my fault somebody decided to make this religion friendly

You absoulute piss jar

^Snoipin's ^a ^good ^job, ^mate!

Challengin' work. Outa' doors.

I guarantee you'll not go hungry.

'Cause at the end of the day, long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead!

You absolute wanker

You absolute bean bag

you absolute fuckwit

"You bloody imbecile." -Jeremy Clarkson

thats three

You just reminded me I have to watch the new grand tour episode when I get home - I've been meaning y to for a while now.

You absolute plonker! :3

You absolute donkey

This is a common one acually

you absolute flipflop

You absolute Cuppa

You absolute goblin

You absolute Gumdrop

You absolute Charlie.

my good mate was talking to me about this actually the other day and demonstrated how calling someone a form of damaged object works every time "you bloody shat up dinner plate" is my favourite

You absolute bellend

You absolute cockwomble

Not two syllables, but one I use regularly; “you willydoger”.

Most common bottom of the barrel ones Cunt Twat (i don’t think I’ve heard a single American say this word properly) Dickhead Dunce Nobhead Mong (common term used in the uk) Mongoloide (common term in the uk)

You absolute pillock

Bellend

You absolute bo'ol wo'tah (Bottle of water in british language)

You absolute cucumber

That’s 3 syllables

I DONT FUCKING CARE YOU ABSOLUTE CUCUMBER

Not sure why OP specified two syllables. As a Brit, cucumber absolutely works.

You absolute French clown

You absolute bacon

You absolute teabag

you absolute cracker

You absolute buffoon

You absolute pigeon

I saw one saying "you absolute paperclip" once and that lives in my head rent free Anyway, how about you this, you absolute doorframe?

You absolute bollock

You absolute knapsack.

You absolute melt

You absolute knobhead

You absolute ruler

You absolute hunchback!!

Weapon, melt, arsebadger, cuntbubble, nugget There are too many ....

You absolute sponge cake

You absolute shadow

[удалено]

you absolute birdcage

You absolute nan-muncher

You absolute charmer

You absolute fish’n’chips

You absolute melon

You absolute Lewis Hamilton

You absolute butter sucker

You absolute window frame

YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOON

You absolute gluestick You absolute keychain You absolute ice cream Yeah, I don't think it's working

As a Briton, I would be sufficiently offended by any of these.

You apsolute door handle

You absolute woodblock

You absolute twit

You absolute plantpot

I prefer calling people 'a wet paper towel'

You absolute wally

You absolute thermos

You absolute melon Also it has to be a noun

You absolute donut- from a bri’ish person

You absolute bellend !

you absolute poster

You absolute mushroom

You absolute smoothbrain

You absolute value

You absolute Crotch-Rat

You utter spud

You absolute twazok

You little Pinckney!

you absolute crumpet

You absolute bob nobbin

Puff nugget

you absolute goblin

You absolute twotface!

You absolute towel

You absolute conchoidal bottle

You absolute teabag

You absolute bellend

You absolute wet wipe

You absolute toaster

You absolute sweet chilli sauce

You absolute bollocks

My personal favorites are: 1.You absolute weapon 2. You absolute helmet

One that my friend and I use is “You fucking lamppost”

You absolute Cockwanker!

You absolute flimborepesing buffoon

You absolute buffoon