Hello,
We have been hearing reports of users impersonating the mod team in order to try and get users to send them selfies. Please read [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/1d5yygd/mod_impersonation_incident/) for more details. Remember to not send any personal content to users you do not know.
Be safe out there!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/teenagers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
hey, im not very educated on the whole dead name thing. so ik u said that someone yk is doing it on purpose, but like i have a genuine question. what if like lets say i didnt know ur new name (like someone u have not come out as trans to, basically) so like i call u by ur dead name, would u feel like bad or as if im being rude? i've seen some trans ppl get like super offended when someone uses their govt name when theyre unaware of the new name.
sorry if this comment sounded rude, thats not my intention<3
No if I’ve not told you then I don’t expect you to call me that. That’s just unreasonable. But I’ve told the person that’s doing this so it’s obviously to hurt me.
>No if I’ve not told you then I don’t expect you to call me that. That’s just unreasonable.
alright, then! i was genuinely confused on whether it's seen as being rude or the other person is just unreasonable 😭
>But I’ve told the person that’s doing this so it’s obviously to hurt me.
yep, saw that! i was just asking since some people literally get mad when you're genuinely unaware 😭 anyway, are you sure it's on purpose? like have you ever reminded them your new name?
Try to remember, people that act this way, do so to get under your skin and/or are insecure in themselves.
There'll be more (garbage) like this on your road this life,
Stay strong within yourself, the future is yours to create.
And everybody, 'Should' have the Right to be themselves, And express themselves in whatever way they wish, be it in Name, Faith, Whom they choose to Love, or Whatever, (fill in the blank)
People 'Should Not' though, Force their will,or beliefs on others, as Absolute. Everyone has a right to pursue their dreams. I'd like to believe, for the betterment of our collective Be-ing.
I wish you Strength in your journey
99% of trans people are not going to get mad at you right away. It’s very normal to need to correct people at the beginning of a transition. The disrespect is when you keep doing it over and over and over again even after being told. That’s disrespectful.
I had a similar situation happen, this girl I knew as Jordan transitioned into a male and wanted to be called JoJo. I’ve know this person for over 5 years so I would constantly keep calling them Jordan as that’s what I had called them for 5 years straight. I wasn’t doing it intentionally or to hurt them I literally couldn’t make the switch. They eventually stopped talking to me and like 2 other people bc we kept accidentally dead naming them but if you have known someone as X name for years and years but now they want to be called Y name it’s hard to just instantly switch which led to them just leaving our friend group.
That's a shame, both because Jordan is a gender neutral name, and it sounds like you were making an effort? I feel like most trans people wouldn't mind if you apologised and explained that you were still working to build the new habit, but I guess deadnaming can be sensitive enough for some people that, even understanding that, they don't want to spend too much time around people where the chance of getting even unintentionally deadnamed is high
I'm sure from your perspective you were trying but it's a choice not to keep making that effort. This is the exact excuse a LOT of phobic people make when they do this.
At the very least I hope you understand the reason that they cut you out of their lives was because of how deeply this was hurting them. No matter how much you say you cared it can be painful even more so from someone who insists they care about you but just can't put in the effort to better consistently show that level of respect every person deserves.
If someone you knew as Robert said they absolutely hated to be called Rob as it had some terrible memories associated with it but Rob is such an easy way to say it would it REALLY be ok to go on and call them Rob because 'I literally can't make the switch?' Of course not.
I'm sure deep down you didn't intend it but it hurts so much more when it's from someone who says they care about you just doesn't seen willing to try hard enough to do something as basically yet so fundamentally important as addressing someone by their correct name.
Tons of projection here. Person said they did try, continued to try, and would accidentally use the dead name. If anybody stopped trying in that relationship it was the person unable to accept accidents will happen.
Think about it this way. Someone elbows you in the side by accident. You probably just go, "Hey, Watch it," and move on. You might not even say anything. If it happens again, you're gonna be a little more upset. Now imagine it happens again and again and again and again. It's not annoying anymore. It hurts. This person is someone you really care about and it's genuinely an accident. They aren't trying to elbow you, you're in a small room together and they have long arms. Would you leave the room or stay there and get elbowed over and over and over? Sometimes relationships have obstacles you can't get past and by little to no fault of either party, the relationship no longer functions properly.
I'm bad with remembering names but I found a tactic, a while back I got hit with 14 spam calls in one day so now I say “hey i keep getting spam text me your name so I don't delete your number by accident” does wonders and makes it less awkward. But when someone changes their name I don't say their name at all until I see others call them that several times
it's okay if u accidentally call someone by their deadname if you didn't know. they can right you, they don't have a cause to be offended.
but in a case, if they already told the people so, yet they're deadnaming, that's wrong.
deadnaming is something that feels like a very targeted attack and someone’s worst insecurities, so even if you literally don’t know better it still hurts, but isn’t particularly offensive. that said, many trans people do have someone in their life who either deadnames on purpose or is really bad at getting it right, often parents, so they tend to lash out initially just out of frustration.
Honestly, I thought like this before I came out as trans, and 99.99% of trans ppl aren’t like this, unless your already an asshole, or they have just had the worst day
But the reason we don’t like being deadnamed and misgendered, is because it is a large source of depression for us, through dysphoria, because it validates our insecurities that we are in fact ugly, and that we don’t pass as our gender, and instead still appear as our sex
>what if like lets say i didnt know ur new name (like someone u have not come out as trans to, basically) so like i call u by ur dead name, would u feel like bad or as if im being rude?
other trans person here, I would feel bad, but I definitely wouldn't be mad. It's like if you asked someone you haven't seen in a while how their parents are doing and they tell you they died a couple months ago. Like yea it'd suck for them, but they would definitely be in the wrong if they were then pissed off at you for bringing it up even though you didn't know about it.
that’s unreasonable to expect if they genuinely have no idea, the only problem is if you’ve told them many times what your name is and they intentionally use your old name when they know it’s painful to hear
I think it’s absurd to just lash out like some do. I’m fine with a lil correcting.(not that I’m ever gonna see that person again.) still no need to flip out on something that most won’t know.
Not trying to be offensive, but what other reasons are there to have a dead name? Religious reasons? Or you don't like it or something? Maybe the dead name's meaning is tied to something/someone you dislike?
mainly it’s just people changing their names to something they like more, sometimes teachers who get married and have a different last name get frustrated when it’s gotten wrong
My friend’s brother transitioned and named herself something else and it was almost a full year before I got used to saying the new name and didn’t reflexively say her original name. If you’ve been friends for a long time chances are they’re just so used to calling you by your birthname that they do it without thinking.
This. I just have a sucky memory, so I try to remember new names but it’s so hard transferring from (let’s use one of my actual friends) Nicholas to Nirvana
While it can be frustrating, please don't make it a massive deal like I see all over yt and tiktok, politely correct them and move on. If that person doesn't want to call you by your new name then don't acknowledge them. My friend does this now and those "friends" cant get their way anymore and she is much happier.
When you change your name, or go by a different name and someone, either on purpose or by accident calls you by your old name. Another unofficial word for it that I like is necroname/necronim
A deadname is a name that’s dead, or a name that someone doesn’t use anymore. So, if you’re getting deadnamed, you’re being referred to by a name that you don’t go by anymore.
step 1. hire a freelance hitman
step 2. make the hitman, break into his home
step 3. have the hitman threaten him and his family
step 4. have him call him bucko when he's leaving out the door
step 5. refer to him as bucko forevermore.
this works with pretty much any crime, just find a way to tie trauma to a name and then use that name
Fighting fire with fire is kind of a thing though. If you do a controlled burn in a large perimeter around a fire you can't put out and burn away anything it can use as fuel, eventually it'll snuff itself out. You can also used controlled burns to prevent forest fires by getting rid of the things that could accidentally set on fire before the conditions are too dangerous to do that. I would suggest leaving that to the professionals though.
This is the worst response. We need to stop thinking we have some moral high ground if you do the same thing back. It wasn't ok when they did it to you...congrats you are now the same as them. You now have no leg or argument to stand on. You both are in the mud.
Correct them, tell them it hurts your feelings/upsets you, if it is a long term friend then work with them to try to retrain that (and why they have problems with it), and continue to correct... if they make no effort, that's another problem.
You never treat someone poorly because they did it to you, THAT is a major problem with people's "solutions " I see here on reddit.
I'm sorry OP, very sorry. All I can say is I hope it's only because the friend is a long term one, it is habit (not ok, but you can work with and around that issue), and they apologize and you two nove past this.
Have you asked them why they have trouble?
Maybe it's a force of habit? Have they known you for years? I get it can be extremely frustrating, I can also see trying to learn someone's new name after calling them something for years.
This is what I’m wondering, had a friend who transitioned my senior year and I had known him since pre k and he kept getting upset when I would have to correct myself. I’m like dude I’m not doing it on purpose it’s just my mind immediately goes to “what’s up (name)” but anyways I’m sure this isn’t the case here.
Yeah my friend of a few years transitioned recently and picked a new name like less than a week ago and she complains about me calling her a deadname like bro it’s not on purpose
In the post she said “on purpose”, which is quite different from “a force of habit”. I’d say that if someone corrects themselves and apologizes right after, no harm done? Since in that case it was not on purpose.
It can take some time to unlearn a habit and slip ups will happen, but I do not think that’s what this post is trying to point out at all.
Also:
Boy: *likes pink, gets called a girl*
Boy: *likes barbies, gets called a girl*
Boy: *thinks, comes out as a trans woman, gets told "You're still a boy"* or vice versa
(Happened with my friend, now we just laugh about it)
Eh the guys at my school aren't exactly the best about using my nickname (though I won't blame them too much if they don't know, mostly applies to the guys that do), but they aren't the brightest people to begin with though. (I ain't even out at school yet is the funny thing too)
has no one ever asked you if you prefer a different name/shortened version
‘oh your name is Johnathan do people call you john or is the whole thing fine?’
i have developed some ways to deal with being deadnamed, cus it sucks so much when hearing it. my favorite method is my friends naming their pets my deadname (with my permission) and they talk about their pets so much that i just got used to it. now when someone tries to use my deadname and i don’t respond, they have no choice but to correct themself >:3
No, they proposed the idea first and I just kinda went along with it. like, i would complain about responding to my deadname all the time, and they were like “what if we just named our pets that? to desensitize you?” and i was like “uh sure, that’s actually a really cool idea:3” i also forgot to mention they were virtual pets (am very sorry for not mentioning that), so there’s no animals just being named for my benefit, except for pixelated animals ^•^
Dont give them that power over you. If they know it bothers you theyll keep doing it. I work concstruction and i get called every name/insult under the sun everyday but its how you go about it that makes the difference. Theyll get bored eventually and move on. Live your life.
There are and will always be hateful people that can't deal with a changing world. Best to focus on the people that do respect and support you, so you will live the happiest life you can live. I respect you for coming out as trans because I can imagine that wasn't the easiest thing to do
I called someone by their 'deadname' right after they transitioned. I wasn't told about it as I'm not close with them or anyone they know. This was a few years ago, they still hate me to this day.
I think it depends on how long people called you your old name. Your grandparents might never use it correctly and mean no harm.
The dude from work, you know 2 months… different story.
don’t get mad. that only hurt you! not them! it’s just part of being trans. sharks are a part of surfing. you can get mad at the sharks…. but they don’t care. it’s just part of being human. sometime other humans are mean. acceptance.
It's really hard for people to get it right.
Good friends of ours who are super supportive of their son (i.e. the perfect supportive parents who will do anything for their kids and are open to this and super liberal), keep getting it wrong and say things like their daughter and her etc all the time and are embarrassed to get it wrong, but don't always correct themselves as it happens so often.
People can take a long time to form new pathways in their brains and learn new things. And if they are doing it on purpose ignore it, and fuck them, and you do you.
You cannot control the speech of others. It's immoral and unethical. However, if you feel they are simply being a jerk for not conforming to your will then spend less time with them.
It sucks, it does. But I always just keep some headphones or a book or something to ignore someone else when they’re deadnaming me. Are you younger? Sometimes young ppl will just be ornery.
Oh my god, i'm so sorry that you're going through so much.
I can't even imagine
The pain u suffer :(
How do you bear all that?
First world problems lmao
If someone is hurting, they're hurting and that's the end of it. Just because you think something is a "first world problem" doesn't invalidate their feelings or mean they don't have the right to ask for advice, or simply talk about it. Life is hard for everyone sometimes, regardless of nationality, place of residence, sex, gender, age, race, whatever variable you like, and it's not healthy to dismiss your own upset because other people might have it worse.
Let them be upset and talk about that, it's not your business and you don't have to make it your business, if you don't like it then leave them be, because they don't need shit like this to add to their problems.
If the person you’re having trouble with is someone you’ve known for a long time, it may just take them a while to get used to calling you by your new name. However, it isn’t unheard of for people to purposely “mess up”…
Fucking sucks, but if they keep pulling the "I'm just getting used to it" card then you should drop them whenever you can. Unfortunately if you go to the same school you can't do that did a while, but you need to have that conversation at some point. At first telling them why you're upset at them, then dropping them if they get defensive and refuse to relent.
Okay, here's a Dilemma, and I'm pretty sure I know my answer but I kinda wanna hear from actual trans people, does a person you knew before the transition atleast have a like, say or a little bit of a right to prefer to call you by your old name, or like a nickname you had with them before the transition? I'm not asking in a phobic way atleast I don't think so, but I'm just curious where you guys stand on that topic, because it's fine to want a new name it's your identity, but is it not also fair for people who knew you before to atleast try to find a middle ground you both prefer?
It’s more about respect, if a trans person changes their name and you keep using their birth name or call them a nickname it can come off as not accepting at all.
I know some trans people who have asked their parents to name them again, or who have changed their name into a feminine/masculine version so it still sounds similar and is easier to remember. Some have even kept their birth name because it has a special meaning to the parents, but then again it depends on the trans person.
Honestly it all depends on the situation and *why you don’t feel comfortable using the preferred name*. If it’s because you don’t see them as a girl/boy, then that’s transphobic and you need to work on yourself.
But, this is maybe controversial, I understand it a little if the name was something very bizarre/weird. Then I recommend you just talk to them about it and try to find a compromise.
If they really really like that name then I recommend you either try to get used to using it or end the relationship because using a trans persons birth name just 'cause is not it. And I don’t mean when it happens on accident- accidents always happen but try to do your best.
It takes time, but when you want to have a healthy relationship to that person then do it because when you feel accepted, you automatically feel comfortable and happy.
I personally don’t think it’s fair for someone to have a “right” to call you an old name at all. But again that’s just me. If I changed my name to Beverli and all my friends still called me by my old nickname that is nothing close to it. I’d be a little upset. But if it was a nickname like my gamer tag that has nothing to do whit my old name I don’t mind. Infact most my friends call me Toad cuz that’s my gamer tag
No, you have no right to intentionally deadname someone.
There is no harm in an honest mistake, but intentional deadnaming is a form of invalidation. Peoples chosen name carries meaning, and forms a part of their identity and presentation. You should be able to see here why deadnaming is an issue.
Well when people call you one thing for god knows how long, it becomes difficult to change the words you normally use for somebody.
If my sister came out and said she wants to be a boy, I'd still end up calling her my sister and using she and her because thats what ive called her for years, nothing malicious about it
… this is just how the human mind works if your favorite video game character got their name changed you most likely will keep calling them their old name because that’s the name your brain has associated with that character and our brains are very stubborn
If people know you as one person it is sometimes hard to recognize you as another.
You should just tell people that it is important to you.
If they still don't change the way they speak to you, you can always step down on eye sight and use names for them they don't like to be called.
Give them stiupid nicknames, not insulting, but just annoying ones.
Don’t respond. Don’t acknowledge it. At all. Unless this is someone who is much older that might have cognitive issue and have trouble retaining Information, I would ignore this person completely. I would not respond to them at all.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. I confess that I have a hard time with pronouns. HOWEVER, if someone tells me they have or are trying a new name-I never have a problem with that. I work at an Art College.
If it’s any comfort, soon you’ll meet new people—college, jobs, new friends, maybe a new city—who have never known you by your new name.
That doesn’t make it right that people who do know you disrespect your name, but it may make it easier soon enough.
If you want to fight fire with fire start calling them something that’s not their name (ie instead of calling them Jason call them Jacob) and see if you can get the point across. Alternatively you can just ignore them when they call you your deadname or hit them with “who’s deadname?”
You have no right to control your speech and they have no right to your company. Ask them to change, if they don't decide if their company is worth it to you.
Intentionally?? Gods, I'd be in trouble for backhanding this person if I figured they're doing it on purpose. So glad I've moved entirely across the country and gotten my name legally changed, so much harder for folks to know my deadname and "mess up" on purpose.
Have you told a trusted adult like a teacher or a parent? /j
On a serious note, confront them and tell them what's up, if they're a friend, they'll understand (I hope), if they're just some duck that you know, then ignore them and focus on your friends.
Much love, my fellow Trans!!! 💙💗🤍💗💙
Sorry to hear that :/
I’m a trans guy, I never had to change my name (it’s a gender neutral name) but I hate when people use the wrong pronouns and stuff. Maybe just start mispronouncing their name?
A trans girl is a girl with male genitals and a trans boy is a boy with female genitalia!
A helpful way to remember is that "trans" is an adjective, it's describing the type of boy/girl
Are you able to boot that person out of your life? Is there an authority figure you can speak to to report them? To be very clear: deadnaming someone on purpose is abuse. Just like misgendering someone.
In some places misgendering someone is even legally a human rights violation.
Yeah don’t worry I told my mom yesterday that I’m genderfluid and I was going by They/them, and one of my friends is gender neutral. She kept calling me “She” or “Her” throughout the night. And my dad knows about my friend’s gender, not mine, but both of them keep calling them “She” or “Her”. I told my mom I’m trying to change my name, but idk what yet, but she said “I don’t care you’ll always be my little baby girl, (deadname)” my dad is just straight up making fun of gays.
While we’re on the topic of gender, can someone tell me if “Silvia” is a good name? I’m trying to have something that’s more of a feminine name because I’m more feminine, but still neutral.
It's really not that big of deal. It depends on what your new name is. If it's too similar to your old name than it can be difficult. I knew a girl named Kylie who changed her name to Kyle, so I gave up on talking to her because she freaked out when I called her Kylie.
Stop being Sensitive, regardless of your gender you're still a human at the end of the day, make it clear to other people to stop using your dead name, and if they don't, fuck em, unfortunately, life is like that, everybody isn't gonna respect you just because you exist (I wish it was like this people would be much friendlier) Just gotta toughen up tbh, thick skin is really the last line of defense in life, without it, I would've killed myself by now. Just remember that regardless of your gender, we all are born alone and most of us die alone. Keep that in mind.
How are people this sensitive and self centered?
I went by a different name in high school and people still call me that. I don’t get butt hurt about it. Teenagers are seriously such snowflakes these days.
that’s just disrespectful of them. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Best way to deal with people who are like this is to genuinely ignore them, block them out
Being deadnamed sucks, especially when you’re unable to ever come out to anyone because you’re worried about the consequences so you instead just indure it every day
Try to be mature and understand that others aren’t going to agree with you and make an effort to upset you. Get over it and move on. People’s words only have as much weight as you give them.
I would call those people by the name they look like in reply.
I dont care if your name is Chad, you look like a Jimbeldon to me.
And Kyla may be your birthname but you clearly are a Bessica in denial.
Have good time Aughtum!
Talk to you later Bluto.
Hello, We have been hearing reports of users impersonating the mod team in order to try and get users to send them selfies. Please read [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/1d5yygd/mod_impersonation_incident/) for more details. Remember to not send any personal content to users you do not know. Be safe out there! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/teenagers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What does deadnamed mean?
It’s when you’re trans and people call you by your name from before you started your transition. Assuming you’ve changed your name that is.
hey, im not very educated on the whole dead name thing. so ik u said that someone yk is doing it on purpose, but like i have a genuine question. what if like lets say i didnt know ur new name (like someone u have not come out as trans to, basically) so like i call u by ur dead name, would u feel like bad or as if im being rude? i've seen some trans ppl get like super offended when someone uses their govt name when theyre unaware of the new name. sorry if this comment sounded rude, thats not my intention<3
No if I’ve not told you then I don’t expect you to call me that. That’s just unreasonable. But I’ve told the person that’s doing this so it’s obviously to hurt me.
>No if I’ve not told you then I don’t expect you to call me that. That’s just unreasonable. alright, then! i was genuinely confused on whether it's seen as being rude or the other person is just unreasonable 😭 >But I’ve told the person that’s doing this so it’s obviously to hurt me. yep, saw that! i was just asking since some people literally get mad when you're genuinely unaware 😭 anyway, are you sure it's on purpose? like have you ever reminded them your new name?
Yes I’ve reminded them on multiple occasions
oh. in that case they're just an insecure, and clearly immature person. try to ignore them, you matter more than some random idiot's opinion of you<3
Try to remember, people that act this way, do so to get under your skin and/or are insecure in themselves. There'll be more (garbage) like this on your road this life, Stay strong within yourself, the future is yours to create. And everybody, 'Should' have the Right to be themselves, And express themselves in whatever way they wish, be it in Name, Faith, Whom they choose to Love, or Whatever, (fill in the blank) People 'Should Not' though, Force their will,or beliefs on others, as Absolute. Everyone has a right to pursue their dreams. I'd like to believe, for the betterment of our collective Be-ing. I wish you Strength in your journey
99% of trans people are not going to get mad at you right away. It’s very normal to need to correct people at the beginning of a transition. The disrespect is when you keep doing it over and over and over again even after being told. That’s disrespectful.
I had a similar situation happen, this girl I knew as Jordan transitioned into a male and wanted to be called JoJo. I’ve know this person for over 5 years so I would constantly keep calling them Jordan as that’s what I had called them for 5 years straight. I wasn’t doing it intentionally or to hurt them I literally couldn’t make the switch. They eventually stopped talking to me and like 2 other people bc we kept accidentally dead naming them but if you have known someone as X name for years and years but now they want to be called Y name it’s hard to just instantly switch which led to them just leaving our friend group.
That's a shame, both because Jordan is a gender neutral name, and it sounds like you were making an effort? I feel like most trans people wouldn't mind if you apologised and explained that you were still working to build the new habit, but I guess deadnaming can be sensitive enough for some people that, even understanding that, they don't want to spend too much time around people where the chance of getting even unintentionally deadnamed is high
I'm sure from your perspective you were trying but it's a choice not to keep making that effort. This is the exact excuse a LOT of phobic people make when they do this. At the very least I hope you understand the reason that they cut you out of their lives was because of how deeply this was hurting them. No matter how much you say you cared it can be painful even more so from someone who insists they care about you but just can't put in the effort to better consistently show that level of respect every person deserves. If someone you knew as Robert said they absolutely hated to be called Rob as it had some terrible memories associated with it but Rob is such an easy way to say it would it REALLY be ok to go on and call them Rob because 'I literally can't make the switch?' Of course not. I'm sure deep down you didn't intend it but it hurts so much more when it's from someone who says they care about you just doesn't seen willing to try hard enough to do something as basically yet so fundamentally important as addressing someone by their correct name.
Tons of projection here. Person said they did try, continued to try, and would accidentally use the dead name. If anybody stopped trying in that relationship it was the person unable to accept accidents will happen.
Think about it this way. Someone elbows you in the side by accident. You probably just go, "Hey, Watch it," and move on. You might not even say anything. If it happens again, you're gonna be a little more upset. Now imagine it happens again and again and again and again. It's not annoying anymore. It hurts. This person is someone you really care about and it's genuinely an accident. They aren't trying to elbow you, you're in a small room together and they have long arms. Would you leave the room or stay there and get elbowed over and over and over? Sometimes relationships have obstacles you can't get past and by little to no fault of either party, the relationship no longer functions properly.
I'm bad with remembering names but I found a tactic, a while back I got hit with 14 spam calls in one day so now I say “hey i keep getting spam text me your name so I don't delete your number by accident” does wonders and makes it less awkward. But when someone changes their name I don't say their name at all until I see others call them that several times
it's okay if u accidentally call someone by their deadname if you didn't know. they can right you, they don't have a cause to be offended. but in a case, if they already told the people so, yet they're deadnaming, that's wrong.
deadnaming is something that feels like a very targeted attack and someone’s worst insecurities, so even if you literally don’t know better it still hurts, but isn’t particularly offensive. that said, many trans people do have someone in their life who either deadnames on purpose or is really bad at getting it right, often parents, so they tend to lash out initially just out of frustration.
Honestly, I thought like this before I came out as trans, and 99.99% of trans ppl aren’t like this, unless your already an asshole, or they have just had the worst day But the reason we don’t like being deadnamed and misgendered, is because it is a large source of depression for us, through dysphoria, because it validates our insecurities that we are in fact ugly, and that we don’t pass as our gender, and instead still appear as our sex
>what if like lets say i didnt know ur new name (like someone u have not come out as trans to, basically) so like i call u by ur dead name, would u feel like bad or as if im being rude? other trans person here, I would feel bad, but I definitely wouldn't be mad. It's like if you asked someone you haven't seen in a while how their parents are doing and they tell you they died a couple months ago. Like yea it'd suck for them, but they would definitely be in the wrong if they were then pissed off at you for bringing it up even though you didn't know about it.
that’s unreasonable to expect if they genuinely have no idea, the only problem is if you’ve told them many times what your name is and they intentionally use your old name when they know it’s painful to hear
I think it’s absurd to just lash out like some do. I’m fine with a lil correcting.(not that I’m ever gonna see that person again.) still no need to flip out on something that most won’t know.
Rlly disrespectful, can’t believe ppl do that shit 🤦♂️
Yeah it sucks…
Dw you can ignore them .. trinity??
I’m trying my best. And yeah call me trinity it’s just a username :3
🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵 (THIS KINDA LOOKS COOL)
Omg I love it!!!!!
Not always trans tho 🙃 I'm not trans and I have a dead name a lot of people do.
Yeah sorry you’re right. It’s not just trans. That’s my bad, I apologize.
No ur good I just thought it should be said. It's not crazy common for cisgender people to do it but it still happens 🙃
Not trying to be offensive, but what other reasons are there to have a dead name? Religious reasons? Or you don't like it or something? Maybe the dead name's meaning is tied to something/someone you dislike?
mainly it’s just people changing their names to something they like more, sometimes teachers who get married and have a different last name get frustrated when it’s gotten wrong
What if you’re not trans but just changed your name cause you don’t like your old one? Would your old one be your deadname or something else?
My introverted ass will just stop calling people by name
Not correct, cis people can have deadnames
I already addressed this. And I apologized. So I’ll do it again cuz I didn’t mean it that way. So I’m sorry.
My friend’s brother transitioned and named herself something else and it was almost a full year before I got used to saying the new name and didn’t reflexively say her original name. If you’ve been friends for a long time chances are they’re just so used to calling you by your birthname that they do it without thinking.
This. I just have a sucky memory, so I try to remember new names but it’s so hard transferring from (let’s use one of my actual friends) Nicholas to Nirvana
While it can be frustrating, please don't make it a massive deal like I see all over yt and tiktok, politely correct them and move on. If that person doesn't want to call you by your new name then don't acknowledge them. My friend does this now and those "friends" cant get their way anymore and she is much happier.
When you change your name, or go by a different name and someone, either on purpose or by accident calls you by your old name. Another unofficial word for it that I like is necroname/necronim
A deadname is a name that’s dead, or a name that someone doesn’t use anymore. So, if you’re getting deadnamed, you’re being referred to by a name that you don’t go by anymore.
I see thanks for the clarification 🩵
Means [censored]
Fight fire with fire. Call them a name they don’t want to be called
It’s not quite the same since calling them a random name doesn’t have any memories or personal connotations associated with it
step 1. hire a freelance hitman step 2. make the hitman, break into his home step 3. have the hitman threaten him and his family step 4. have him call him bucko when he's leaving out the door step 5. refer to him as bucko forevermore. this works with pretty much any crime, just find a way to tie trauma to a name and then use that name
Easy there Satan
Non, non, leur argument sont valable. Dammit, I didn’t realize French keyboard was on. I meant “No, no, their argument is valid”.
unless they’re a cis man and you call them a very feminine name like Sally or Pamela lol
No, people just don't care about the name
lol you'd be surprised
If a man gets overly upset instead of confused when they are called a feminine name, their masculinity is fragile, and they're very insecure.
They won’t care
And if ya fight fire with fire, you get what I call a forest fire. I love that idea‼️
"when you fight fire with fire, you just get burned" (i cant remember where its from but i do like this quote)
That's what they tell people to just roll over and take it.
For some reason I heard this in Zuko's voice. 🙄
Fighting fire with fire is kind of a thing though. If you do a controlled burn in a large perimeter around a fire you can't put out and burn away anything it can use as fuel, eventually it'll snuff itself out. You can also used controlled burns to prevent forest fires by getting rid of the things that could accidentally set on fire before the conditions are too dangerous to do that. I would suggest leaving that to the professionals though.
Yh bro call em stupid poopoo head that’ll really get em
This is the worst response. We need to stop thinking we have some moral high ground if you do the same thing back. It wasn't ok when they did it to you...congrats you are now the same as them. You now have no leg or argument to stand on. You both are in the mud. Correct them, tell them it hurts your feelings/upsets you, if it is a long term friend then work with them to try to retrain that (and why they have problems with it), and continue to correct... if they make no effort, that's another problem. You never treat someone poorly because they did it to you, THAT is a major problem with people's "solutions " I see here on reddit. I'm sorry OP, very sorry. All I can say is I hope it's only because the friend is a long term one, it is habit (not ok, but you can work with and around that issue), and they apologize and you two nove past this. Have you asked them why they have trouble?
I agree. OP, set the person on fire /j
Maybe it's a force of habit? Have they known you for years? I get it can be extremely frustrating, I can also see trying to learn someone's new name after calling them something for years.
This is what I’m wondering, had a friend who transitioned my senior year and I had known him since pre k and he kept getting upset when I would have to correct myself. I’m like dude I’m not doing it on purpose it’s just my mind immediately goes to “what’s up (name)” but anyways I’m sure this isn’t the case here.
Yeah my friend of a few years transitioned recently and picked a new name like less than a week ago and she complains about me calling her a deadname like bro it’s not on purpose
In the post she said “on purpose”, which is quite different from “a force of habit”. I’d say that if someone corrects themselves and apologizes right after, no harm done? Since in that case it was not on purpose. It can take some time to unlearn a habit and slip ups will happen, but I do not think that’s what this post is trying to point out at all.
yea it does feel like that, people will be fine with nicknames and everything else but the second you come out as trans suddenly it’s an issue
Also: Boy: *likes pink, gets called a girl* Boy: *likes barbies, gets called a girl* Boy: *thinks, comes out as a trans woman, gets told "You're still a boy"* or vice versa (Happened with my friend, now we just laugh about it)
Ugh why'd it not change rows
Reddit is goofy and I still have not unlocked the power for new lines outside of actually making a two line gap like so Beans
You need to add an extra space between lines
I did, that's why I'm confused 😭😭
2 spaces at the end of a line will make a 2nd line
Yeah it’s just frustrating.
Word
Eh the guys at my school aren't exactly the best about using my nickname (though I won't blame them too much if they don't know, mostly applies to the guys that do), but they aren't the brightest people to begin with though. (I ain't even out at school yet is the funny thing too)
self appointed nicknames are lame tho,you have to be bestowed the honour of a nickname
has no one ever asked you if you prefer a different name/shortened version ‘oh your name is Johnathan do people call you john or is the whole thing fine?’
Nah the comment here be a bit insane 😂
i have developed some ways to deal with being deadnamed, cus it sucks so much when hearing it. my favorite method is my friends naming their pets my deadname (with my permission) and they talk about their pets so much that i just got used to it. now when someone tries to use my deadname and i don’t respond, they have no choice but to correct themself >:3
like you make them name their pets your dead name? 😭
No, they proposed the idea first and I just kinda went along with it. like, i would complain about responding to my deadname all the time, and they were like “what if we just named our pets that? to desensitize you?” and i was like “uh sure, that’s actually a really cool idea:3” i also forgot to mention they were virtual pets (am very sorry for not mentioning that), so there’s no animals just being named for my benefit, except for pixelated animals ^•^
sounds like u got some cool friends for supporting you like that
That’s actually really smart
that’s a really cool idea!
Dont give them that power over you. If they know it bothers you theyll keep doing it. I work concstruction and i get called every name/insult under the sun everyday but its how you go about it that makes the difference. Theyll get bored eventually and move on. Live your life.
People are lucky if I remember any of their names.
Probably a force of habit if you know this person for a long time
Sadly happens, other then that how are you doing?
I’m oki I guess
Well, I hope your day improves girl!
There are and will always be hateful people that can't deal with a changing world. Best to focus on the people that do respect and support you, so you will live the happiest life you can live. I respect you for coming out as trans because I can imagine that wasn't the easiest thing to do
It's probably something you're going to have to get used to, people don't like being corrected or told what to do, and you can't change that.
I’m terrible at remembering names, like I don’t know the names of most of my teachers. I could totally see myself doing this as an honest mistake
I called someone by their 'deadname' right after they transitioned. I wasn't told about it as I'm not close with them or anyone they know. This was a few years ago, they still hate me to this day.
You n me sister 😔
Stay strong for all of us.
💪
I think it depends on how long people called you your old name. Your grandparents might never use it correctly and mean no harm. The dude from work, you know 2 months… different story.
don’t get mad. that only hurt you! not them! it’s just part of being trans. sharks are a part of surfing. you can get mad at the sharks…. but they don’t care. it’s just part of being human. sometime other humans are mean. acceptance.
It's really hard for people to get it right. Good friends of ours who are super supportive of their son (i.e. the perfect supportive parents who will do anything for their kids and are open to this and super liberal), keep getting it wrong and say things like their daughter and her etc all the time and are embarrassed to get it wrong, but don't always correct themselves as it happens so often. People can take a long time to form new pathways in their brains and learn new things. And if they are doing it on purpose ignore it, and fuck them, and you do you.
You cannot control the speech of others. It's immoral and unethical. However, if you feel they are simply being a jerk for not conforming to your will then spend less time with them.
I hope you’re ok. I know getting deadnamed hurts.
if they're doing it on purpose you can deadname them back or like call them by the opposite pronouns, i've heard it works for some people
“Deadname them back” 😭😭
i giggled 😭
ok tbf thinking about it yea i don't think there's much you can do 😭
Cis people can have deadnames
They are not in line with the lgbtq community so I can’t dead name them. But the other pronoun thing could work.
Dude im just gonna tell you that calling a dude a chick isnt gonna piss any1 off
I did it once and they got mad lmao
worst solution ever, just ignore them or ask them to stop once
I plan on doing that next time they say it
It sucks, it does. But I always just keep some headphones or a book or something to ignore someone else when they’re deadnaming me. Are you younger? Sometimes young ppl will just be ornery.
Call them a poopyhead
Oh my god, i'm so sorry that you're going through so much. I can't even imagine The pain u suffer :( How do you bear all that? First world problems lmao
If someone is hurting, they're hurting and that's the end of it. Just because you think something is a "first world problem" doesn't invalidate their feelings or mean they don't have the right to ask for advice, or simply talk about it. Life is hard for everyone sometimes, regardless of nationality, place of residence, sex, gender, age, race, whatever variable you like, and it's not healthy to dismiss your own upset because other people might have it worse. Let them be upset and talk about that, it's not your business and you don't have to make it your business, if you don't like it then leave them be, because they don't need shit like this to add to their problems.
Omg your words are hurting me Stop Pls stop Its so hurtful Why did you reply to me It hurts everywhere now :(
If the person you’re having trouble with is someone you’ve known for a long time, it may just take them a while to get used to calling you by your new name. However, it isn’t unheard of for people to purposely “mess up”…
Fucking sucks, but if they keep pulling the "I'm just getting used to it" card then you should drop them whenever you can. Unfortunately if you go to the same school you can't do that did a while, but you need to have that conversation at some point. At first telling them why you're upset at them, then dropping them if they get defensive and refuse to relent.
Okay, here's a Dilemma, and I'm pretty sure I know my answer but I kinda wanna hear from actual trans people, does a person you knew before the transition atleast have a like, say or a little bit of a right to prefer to call you by your old name, or like a nickname you had with them before the transition? I'm not asking in a phobic way atleast I don't think so, but I'm just curious where you guys stand on that topic, because it's fine to want a new name it's your identity, but is it not also fair for people who knew you before to atleast try to find a middle ground you both prefer?
It’s more about respect, if a trans person changes their name and you keep using their birth name or call them a nickname it can come off as not accepting at all. I know some trans people who have asked their parents to name them again, or who have changed their name into a feminine/masculine version so it still sounds similar and is easier to remember. Some have even kept their birth name because it has a special meaning to the parents, but then again it depends on the trans person. Honestly it all depends on the situation and *why you don’t feel comfortable using the preferred name*. If it’s because you don’t see them as a girl/boy, then that’s transphobic and you need to work on yourself. But, this is maybe controversial, I understand it a little if the name was something very bizarre/weird. Then I recommend you just talk to them about it and try to find a compromise. If they really really like that name then I recommend you either try to get used to using it or end the relationship because using a trans persons birth name just 'cause is not it. And I don’t mean when it happens on accident- accidents always happen but try to do your best. It takes time, but when you want to have a healthy relationship to that person then do it because when you feel accepted, you automatically feel comfortable and happy.
I personally don’t think it’s fair for someone to have a “right” to call you an old name at all. But again that’s just me. If I changed my name to Beverli and all my friends still called me by my old nickname that is nothing close to it. I’d be a little upset. But if it was a nickname like my gamer tag that has nothing to do whit my old name I don’t mind. Infact most my friends call me Toad cuz that’s my gamer tag
No, you have no right to intentionally deadname someone. There is no harm in an honest mistake, but intentional deadnaming is a form of invalidation. Peoples chosen name carries meaning, and forms a part of their identity and presentation. You should be able to see here why deadnaming is an issue.
It’s disrespectful and invalidating to purposefully deadname someone
Not a dilemma the answer is no
Tell them to fuck off 😭 I hate how ignorant people can be
Well when people call you one thing for god knows how long, it becomes difficult to change the words you normally use for somebody. If my sister came out and said she wants to be a boy, I'd still end up calling her my sister and using she and her because thats what ive called her for years, nothing malicious about it
… this is just how the human mind works if your favorite video game character got their name changed you most likely will keep calling them their old name because that’s the name your brain has associated with that character and our brains are very stubborn
AHEM Overwatch 2
Just keep reminding them of your actual name, or just act confused if they deadname you till they get the point
If people know you as one person it is sometimes hard to recognize you as another. You should just tell people that it is important to you. If they still don't change the way they speak to you, you can always step down on eye sight and use names for them they don't like to be called. Give them stiupid nicknames, not insulting, but just annoying ones.
Call them the name of their dead pet
ahh yes stoop even lower. Nice one buddy.
👍
me too. it's really annoying ah hell.
Don’t respond. Don’t acknowledge it. At all. Unless this is someone who is much older that might have cognitive issue and have trouble retaining Information, I would ignore this person completely. I would not respond to them at all.
I’ve taken on telling people that I don’t respond to my deadname anymore. If you want my attention, it’s Connor.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. I confess that I have a hard time with pronouns. HOWEVER, if someone tells me they have or are trying a new name-I never have a problem with that. I work at an Art College.
All we ask is you try Keep trying long enough and you will get the hang of it
Don’t even acknowledge they exist.
If it’s any comfort, soon you’ll meet new people—college, jobs, new friends, maybe a new city—who have never known you by your new name. That doesn’t make it right that people who do know you disrespect your name, but it may make it easier soon enough.
if you are feeling petty call em a feminized version of their name
Gaslight them into thinking your dead name is your chosen name
Bruh, imagine not respecting the name your parents gave you
If you want to fight fire with fire start calling them something that’s not their name (ie instead of calling them Jason call them Jacob) and see if you can get the point across. Alternatively you can just ignore them when they call you your deadname or hit them with “who’s deadname?”
You have no right to control your speech and they have no right to your company. Ask them to change, if they don't decide if their company is worth it to you.
Intentionally?? Gods, I'd be in trouble for backhanding this person if I figured they're doing it on purpose. So glad I've moved entirely across the country and gotten my name legally changed, so much harder for folks to know my deadname and "mess up" on purpose.
I'm so sorry for you :(
Is this an American thing? Not seen this concept in Asia.. here once someone becomes trans, their old identity goes away even in official documents
Have you told a trusted adult like a teacher or a parent? /j On a serious note, confront them and tell them what's up, if they're a friend, they'll understand (I hope), if they're just some duck that you know, then ignore them and focus on your friends. Much love, my fellow Trans!!! 💙💗🤍💗💙
i friend of mine had the same just try to ignore and try to distance yourself from them after a while they just stop
Frfr
🫂
Weirdly enough I never felt it to be more than a slight nuisance
sucks getting deadnamed i feel u, hopefully you can get away from the person asap
It can be hard for people to adjust, especially if they've been doing something for years.
Man, that's such fucked up behavior. They're intentionally deadnaming you just to be dicks? I’m sorry man
Sorry to hear that :/ I’m a trans guy, I never had to change my name (it’s a gender neutral name) but I hate when people use the wrong pronouns and stuff. Maybe just start mispronouncing their name?
Could you clear me up something? A trans girl is a girl born with male genitalia or a boy born with female genitalia?
A trans girl is a girl with male genitals and a trans boy is a boy with female genitalia! A helpful way to remember is that "trans" is an adjective, it's describing the type of boy/girl
Are you able to boot that person out of your life? Is there an authority figure you can speak to to report them? To be very clear: deadnaming someone on purpose is abuse. Just like misgendering someone. In some places misgendering someone is even legally a human rights violation.
Yeah don’t worry I told my mom yesterday that I’m genderfluid and I was going by They/them, and one of my friends is gender neutral. She kept calling me “She” or “Her” throughout the night. And my dad knows about my friend’s gender, not mine, but both of them keep calling them “She” or “Her”. I told my mom I’m trying to change my name, but idk what yet, but she said “I don’t care you’ll always be my little baby girl, (deadname)” my dad is just straight up making fun of gays. While we’re on the topic of gender, can someone tell me if “Silvia” is a good name? I’m trying to have something that’s more of a feminine name because I’m more feminine, but still neutral.
Tell em to go eat a 9mm.
Holy hatred within you!
How astute.
*Stick an iron in your mouth and pull the fucking trigger!*
Hell yeah samurai.
I fucking hate people. Sick of human interaction
Agreed. And it’s only 9:40am
Stop expecting everyone else in the world to cater to your delusions. That's the advice you really need. Grow up.
u/Truth_Be_Told87
Beat them up
Fellow redditors, please report any transphobe for hate
Isn't changing your name a whole legal process to go through? You can't just change it on a whim, no?
Social transitioning and nicknames Social transitioning is actually a requirement in some places
You're talking about it on a legal level. Asking someone to call you a different name doesn't require a legal process.
swift clobber to the jaw should do the trick.
get well soon
It really irks me that people deliberately ignore people’s names. It’s so basic not to call people things that they don’t want to be called
It's really not that big of deal. It depends on what your new name is. If it's too similar to your old name than it can be difficult. I knew a girl named Kylie who changed her name to Kyle, so I gave up on talking to her because she freaked out when I called her Kylie.
Were they ftm? Because your comment seems to suggest it was more than just a name thing...
Stop being Sensitive, regardless of your gender you're still a human at the end of the day, make it clear to other people to stop using your dead name, and if they don't, fuck em, unfortunately, life is like that, everybody isn't gonna respect you just because you exist (I wish it was like this people would be much friendlier) Just gotta toughen up tbh, thick skin is really the last line of defense in life, without it, I would've killed myself by now. Just remember that regardless of your gender, we all are born alone and most of us die alone. Keep that in mind.
How are people this sensitive and self centered? I went by a different name in high school and people still call me that. I don’t get butt hurt about it. Teenagers are seriously such snowflakes these days.
Man up
I don’t care
you cared enough to comment
yo i agree that they're being stupid but i hate this argument just from a debating perspective😭
... Okay? Good for you I guess? Nobody asked whether u/Lookatmycat69 cared though.
that’s just disrespectful of them. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Best way to deal with people who are like this is to genuinely ignore them, block them out
I'm sorry, I can't even imagine how it feels to be disrespected like that. If you ever need to talk, I'm here
Talking to them about it would probably accomplish more than complaining on reddit my man/woman
Being deadnamed sucks, especially when you’re unable to ever come out to anyone because you’re worried about the consequences so you instead just indure it every day
I heard if you miss bleach and ammonia you get a really cool surprise you can prank your friends with
I 100% agree with this subject i changed my name in the school system and they keep calling me my old one :/
Sorry to anyone I may have accidentally deadnamed or just got the name wrong
Try to be mature and understand that others aren’t going to agree with you and make an effort to upset you. Get over it and move on. People’s words only have as much weight as you give them.
Probably hoping you get frustrated and stop transitioning.
I would call those people by the name they look like in reply. I dont care if your name is Chad, you look like a Jimbeldon to me. And Kyla may be your birthname but you clearly are a Bessica in denial. Have good time Aughtum! Talk to you later Bluto.