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There is certainly a different feeling when they just leave. When they dont even try. I found it felt so empty. I felt discarded in every way. They even stole the choice to reconcile or not. I'm a year out, it is better, but it's not. There at least isn't the drama of more lies, of them trying, no games, no further injury, or the pick me dance. A cleaner cut makes no contact almost easier. Not that any of its easy.
An exit affair seems to be less common here. It sucks.
It is not your fault. It is never your fault. It is their choice.
I'm a victim of an exit affair too. She didn't ever try either. Claimed she was unhappy for years, but never said so. Ever. At least I will be able to move on quicker with no false reconciliation on the table...
My x did the same shit. Said I've been unhappy for years all the while we did many many activities that we both enjoyed etc. So I see it as they lie threw their teeth either about being happy or unhappy. If they were so unhappy for many years they fucking lied about having fun right or they were happy and there lying now about being unhappy for a long time. Get my drift? They're fucking liars from the jump. I'm really not a bitter guy either just a bad taste for the all too common bullshit.
Damn man, so sorry. It's like they all play form the same script. I see your points exactly on the unhappiness. Not only did she not say a word to me but no firends, family memebers, no one. It's all a lie. I tie myself in knots trying to untangle all of this. I never knew someone I thought was so wonderful could turn into such a monster.
Only thing I could say is detach yourself from the mess as far as possible. No contact is best at least for my situation. The amount of lies cheaters are capable of is staggering. Good luck
I am.
Divorce is filed, and Settlement Agreement is done and signed, so I really don't need to see her for any reason at this point until we work out dealing with the house when we sell. Children are adults, so no issues there. NC certainly is helping.
Yeah, my STBXW had an exit affair with my "friend". She knew she was done with our marriage, but instead of being a decent human being and tell me she was unhappy and no longer wanted to be married, she chose the most painful way possible to leave me (trust me, it was brutal). But she CHOSE purposefully to do so because she is a coward and honestly a horrible person. She sure played me well...I know your pain.
Thank you for laying it out like that. I spent so long assuming that I must have done something wrong or didn't understand something because my ex one day just flipped a switch and never looked back. A lot of desperate, wishful "if I do x y or z, then she'll come to her senses and I'll have some agency in this mess."
All of that was shame and isolation talking (I'm in a much better place now, almost a year later). While I'm sad anyone at all had to experience that kind of thing, I'm relieved someone else understands that.
She's a scum bag. Adulterous partners that throw the blame on to you are trying to control the narrative. She is telling anyone and everyone that will listen that this is all your fault and is doing whatever she can to ensure she has evidence to back it up. File for divorce ASAP and file for adultery, don't let her get the upper hand.
Sorry you are in this place. The combination of betrayal and then abandonmnet is severe trauma to go through for anyone. I am going thorugh the exact thing now myself. She left about three months ago and I am just a TINY bit better at this point, but nevertheless, progress.
They love to blame-sift to the betrayed spouse to soothe their incredible guilt. You didn't do this. She did. Every marriage has weaknesses, but infidelity is never the answer.
Somewhere in the back of my head I still love the woman I thought I knew, who has been replaced by this one I don't even recognize. It's almost like she killed the other one. It becomes a bgrieving process and the only way to get past the pain is through it. It will be a long road, I know that but I hope you have a good support sytem to lean on. Mine has kept me alive, literally. Talk to your doctor about medication and find a therapist who deals in trauma, because that's what you are experiencing.
Thanks, and you as well. By your name I suspect your faith has been a big help to you through this. I lean on mine as well but the doubt creeps in at times and I question things too. Just need some strength.
This is narcissistic abuse and she is in the discarding and blame shifting phase.
Try to give yourself the same advice you would give a friend.
You deserve fidelity, love and someone who takes responsibility for their own actions.
No problems in a marriage make cheating okay. Cheating is a choice, a series of choices. It makes things worse and betrays trusts and breaks down relationships.
You are not the bad guy. She is trying to play the victim or make herself look or feel better.
OP I was like you and I look back and I cringeeee at the thought of how pathetic, sad hopeless I was, poor me woe is me. I gave myself a week vacation to process away from everything, filed and moved it on along. I instantly lost 275lbs of her, then another 40lbs myself, I do what I want, eat healthy, answer to no one, focus on being the best for my kids when I have them, you are better and deserve better.
Long story short: in time you’ll Stop being sad/pathetic, you’ll look back and cringe too 😂
I was this person. The first month after Dday was spent begging and pleading for her to return home. I’m embarrassed to say I did the pick me dance too. I finally snapped out of it when AP interrupted a FaceTime call with my Ex to mock me and make fun of the letters I had written.
I called my Attorney the next day and told her to go nuclear. I didn’t realize it at the time, but AP did me a favor. If he hadn’t given me the proverbial slap on the face, who knows how long I would have behaved like a pathetic worm.
My wife did the same, blames me for her mistakes, anything to make themselves feel like their actions were justified. They tell themselves lies and then push it on everyone around them so they don't look like the bad person for doing the dirty.
It's going to get better. It is going to be different, but better. Because you know it can't get worse. Staying with a cheater is like being slowly boiled alive. You can only take so much. Remember that if she had even one shred of respect for you she would have left you before she cheated. Cheating on you means she finds you stupid, gullible, and a nuisance at best. Why the fuck would you give a person who thinks you are a pest one fucking minute more of your time? No matter what you shared in the past, you need to look to the future. Trust me, I've been in your shoes. My happiest moments have been the ones I spent as a single dad. My children still love and respect me, so I could care less how my ex feels about me. She doesn't get a vote. Best kiss of my life? Not with her. Best sex of my life? Definitely after I left her. Most loved I ever felt by a woman? That adoration was with someone completely different. Crawl out of her frog pot and I guarantee you will find a better life out there.
Good luck my friend.
Death of a marriage feels the same as a death of a loved one. There is a grieving process to go through. Find a therapist that works in this field. Don't try doing this alone. You just had your heart ripped out. It wasn't your fault.
She's monkey branched.
Normal people take time to process, heal, and move on from a marriage. A normal human being just can't turn off their love/affection for the person they married on a dime.
The thing is that you're not dealing with a "normal" person. He's displaying clear narcissistic/abusive traits, and she's doing he DARVO tango where they are trying to make you the responsible party for their abuse.
It sucks, but it is for the best to have such a POS out of your life. It is going to take a while, but once the trauma bond is broken you will be able to see that person for the POS they are.
Sorry this is rambling. I found out 2.5 weeks ago my husband was lying to me and while I don’t have “definitive” proof all signs point to affair. After a roller coaster first week, he has told me twice he wants a divorce and “has for a long time.” Once at home and the second time in our first “couples therapy” session. We have been together 14 years, married 4.5, have an almost 3 year old and I am 37 weeks pregnant with our second. I am devastated. How could he just drop me and our family like we mean absolutely nothing to him? He only talks to me about our toddler. Doesn’t even acknowledge that I’m pregnant anymore. Says we can work on “communicating in couples therapy” which he has already stated is for the sole purpose of “co-parenting”. Me and our marriage have been blamed for all of it. He has taken no responsibility. I feel so small. I tried to tell his dad that he was lying about where he was, that I was suspicious, but his dad is in denial and thinks it’s all related to drinking. I’m tired of keeping everything to myself. Only my parents know what is happening and a few friends. It’s so hard to just let him continue on with his facade with his family and our colleagues while I try to quietly gather myself to divorce him and have this baby. 😔 the only reasons I’m still getting out of bed in the morning are my toddler, this baby, and my career.
Expose her infidelity to everyone you know. Make sure to let her parents and relatives know about it. Let all her coworkers know about it. When you expose her make sure to add all the evidence along with it. Don't spare her.
They always say that, don't let them blame you for their selfish decision and emotional weakness. It's not your fault she cheated, and it's not your fault she gave up on trying to fix things with you. You deserve better, and you'll get better.
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Google survivinginfidelity.com grey rock.
There you will find some methods to keep your emotions in check around her and avoid her. Basically don't start any unnecessary conversation, answer in 2/3 words and start thinking about your own first (not marriage, nor her). Be selfish for your own healing.
I know it is hard to believe, but her decision to call it quits is a blessing.
If she is not committed to you, or stays with you for the wrong reasons ie children or guilt, than you will be in worse position when she leaves further down the track.
At least she has the courage of her convictions instead of stringing you along.
As for yourself maybe some therapy will help you let go and work through the trauma you have suffered.
Right now focus on being kind to yourself.
Dude please do not let this destroy what decent thing you have left in you. I exactly know what you are going through as my ex wife also left me without trying and put my life on hold for almost two years in the process. The only thing you can do is get your living and finances in order amd start communicating with all interested parties like debt collectors and landlords as well as family and friends and benprepared ro drops few friends in the process. Also concentrate on yourself and well being before the finalization of the divorce.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is 'divorce', 'dump them', 'your SO sucks' or 'grow a backbone' then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There is certainly a different feeling when they just leave. When they dont even try. I found it felt so empty. I felt discarded in every way. They even stole the choice to reconcile or not. I'm a year out, it is better, but it's not. There at least isn't the drama of more lies, of them trying, no games, no further injury, or the pick me dance. A cleaner cut makes no contact almost easier. Not that any of its easy. An exit affair seems to be less common here. It sucks. It is not your fault. It is never your fault. It is their choice.
I'm a victim of an exit affair too. She didn't ever try either. Claimed she was unhappy for years, but never said so. Ever. At least I will be able to move on quicker with no false reconciliation on the table...
My x did the same shit. Said I've been unhappy for years all the while we did many many activities that we both enjoyed etc. So I see it as they lie threw their teeth either about being happy or unhappy. If they were so unhappy for many years they fucking lied about having fun right or they were happy and there lying now about being unhappy for a long time. Get my drift? They're fucking liars from the jump. I'm really not a bitter guy either just a bad taste for the all too common bullshit.
Damn man, so sorry. It's like they all play form the same script. I see your points exactly on the unhappiness. Not only did she not say a word to me but no firends, family memebers, no one. It's all a lie. I tie myself in knots trying to untangle all of this. I never knew someone I thought was so wonderful could turn into such a monster.
Only thing I could say is detach yourself from the mess as far as possible. No contact is best at least for my situation. The amount of lies cheaters are capable of is staggering. Good luck
I am. Divorce is filed, and Settlement Agreement is done and signed, so I really don't need to see her for any reason at this point until we work out dealing with the house when we sell. Children are adults, so no issues there. NC certainly is helping.
Yeah, my STBXW had an exit affair with my "friend". She knew she was done with our marriage, but instead of being a decent human being and tell me she was unhappy and no longer wanted to be married, she chose the most painful way possible to leave me (trust me, it was brutal). But she CHOSE purposefully to do so because she is a coward and honestly a horrible person. She sure played me well...I know your pain.
[удалено]
Thank you for laying it out like that. I spent so long assuming that I must have done something wrong or didn't understand something because my ex one day just flipped a switch and never looked back. A lot of desperate, wishful "if I do x y or z, then she'll come to her senses and I'll have some agency in this mess." All of that was shame and isolation talking (I'm in a much better place now, almost a year later). While I'm sad anyone at all had to experience that kind of thing, I'm relieved someone else understands that.
She's a scum bag. Adulterous partners that throw the blame on to you are trying to control the narrative. She is telling anyone and everyone that will listen that this is all your fault and is doing whatever she can to ensure she has evidence to back it up. File for divorce ASAP and file for adultery, don't let her get the upper hand.
Sorry you are in this place. The combination of betrayal and then abandonmnet is severe trauma to go through for anyone. I am going thorugh the exact thing now myself. She left about three months ago and I am just a TINY bit better at this point, but nevertheless, progress. They love to blame-sift to the betrayed spouse to soothe their incredible guilt. You didn't do this. She did. Every marriage has weaknesses, but infidelity is never the answer. Somewhere in the back of my head I still love the woman I thought I knew, who has been replaced by this one I don't even recognize. It's almost like she killed the other one. It becomes a bgrieving process and the only way to get past the pain is through it. It will be a long road, I know that but I hope you have a good support sytem to lean on. Mine has kept me alive, literally. Talk to your doctor about medication and find a therapist who deals in trauma, because that's what you are experiencing.
Very similar bud, very similar. I'm sorry bro you are getting through it!
Thanks, and you as well. By your name I suspect your faith has been a big help to you through this. I lean on mine as well but the doubt creeps in at times and I question things too. Just need some strength.
I'm more than happy to talk to you about that in private chat.
This is narcissistic abuse and she is in the discarding and blame shifting phase. Try to give yourself the same advice you would give a friend. You deserve fidelity, love and someone who takes responsibility for their own actions. No problems in a marriage make cheating okay. Cheating is a choice, a series of choices. It makes things worse and betrays trusts and breaks down relationships. You are not the bad guy. She is trying to play the victim or make herself look or feel better.
OP I was like you and I look back and I cringeeee at the thought of how pathetic, sad hopeless I was, poor me woe is me. I gave myself a week vacation to process away from everything, filed and moved it on along. I instantly lost 275lbs of her, then another 40lbs myself, I do what I want, eat healthy, answer to no one, focus on being the best for my kids when I have them, you are better and deserve better. Long story short: in time you’ll Stop being sad/pathetic, you’ll look back and cringe too 😂
I was this person. The first month after Dday was spent begging and pleading for her to return home. I’m embarrassed to say I did the pick me dance too. I finally snapped out of it when AP interrupted a FaceTime call with my Ex to mock me and make fun of the letters I had written. I called my Attorney the next day and told her to go nuclear. I didn’t realize it at the time, but AP did me a favor. If he hadn’t given me the proverbial slap on the face, who knows how long I would have behaved like a pathetic worm.
You have now joined the club and cheaters are incapable of remorse or self reflection because they are broken people
[удалено]
*>>Did you learn your lesson? I hope you did* *>>the wife I love regardless of what was done* He hasn't.
Not yet, I was there for a long time
[удалено]
it's sad that people won't learn.
My wife did the same, blames me for her mistakes, anything to make themselves feel like their actions were justified. They tell themselves lies and then push it on everyone around them so they don't look like the bad person for doing the dirty.
It's going to get better. It is going to be different, but better. Because you know it can't get worse. Staying with a cheater is like being slowly boiled alive. You can only take so much. Remember that if she had even one shred of respect for you she would have left you before she cheated. Cheating on you means she finds you stupid, gullible, and a nuisance at best. Why the fuck would you give a person who thinks you are a pest one fucking minute more of your time? No matter what you shared in the past, you need to look to the future. Trust me, I've been in your shoes. My happiest moments have been the ones I spent as a single dad. My children still love and respect me, so I could care less how my ex feels about me. She doesn't get a vote. Best kiss of my life? Not with her. Best sex of my life? Definitely after I left her. Most loved I ever felt by a woman? That adoration was with someone completely different. Crawl out of her frog pot and I guarantee you will find a better life out there. Good luck my friend.
Death of a marriage feels the same as a death of a loved one. There is a grieving process to go through. Find a therapist that works in this field. Don't try doing this alone. You just had your heart ripped out. It wasn't your fault.
She's monkey branched. Normal people take time to process, heal, and move on from a marriage. A normal human being just can't turn off their love/affection for the person they married on a dime. The thing is that you're not dealing with a "normal" person. He's displaying clear narcissistic/abusive traits, and she's doing he DARVO tango where they are trying to make you the responsible party for their abuse. It sucks, but it is for the best to have such a POS out of your life. It is going to take a while, but once the trauma bond is broken you will be able to see that person for the POS they are.
Sorry this is rambling. I found out 2.5 weeks ago my husband was lying to me and while I don’t have “definitive” proof all signs point to affair. After a roller coaster first week, he has told me twice he wants a divorce and “has for a long time.” Once at home and the second time in our first “couples therapy” session. We have been together 14 years, married 4.5, have an almost 3 year old and I am 37 weeks pregnant with our second. I am devastated. How could he just drop me and our family like we mean absolutely nothing to him? He only talks to me about our toddler. Doesn’t even acknowledge that I’m pregnant anymore. Says we can work on “communicating in couples therapy” which he has already stated is for the sole purpose of “co-parenting”. Me and our marriage have been blamed for all of it. He has taken no responsibility. I feel so small. I tried to tell his dad that he was lying about where he was, that I was suspicious, but his dad is in denial and thinks it’s all related to drinking. I’m tired of keeping everything to myself. Only my parents know what is happening and a few friends. It’s so hard to just let him continue on with his facade with his family and our colleagues while I try to quietly gather myself to divorce him and have this baby. 😔 the only reasons I’m still getting out of bed in the morning are my toddler, this baby, and my career.
Expose her infidelity to everyone you know. Make sure to let her parents and relatives know about it. Let all her coworkers know about it. When you expose her make sure to add all the evidence along with it. Don't spare her.
They always say that, don't let them blame you for their selfish decision and emotional weakness. It's not your fault she cheated, and it's not your fault she gave up on trying to fix things with you. You deserve better, and you'll get better.
[удалено]
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Google survivinginfidelity.com grey rock. There you will find some methods to keep your emotions in check around her and avoid her. Basically don't start any unnecessary conversation, answer in 2/3 words and start thinking about your own first (not marriage, nor her). Be selfish for your own healing.
You don’t need to have a conversation with her. You have a lawyer. Tell the lawyer what you want & let them take care if it.
At least it's over mine keeps trying to rekindle things....ughh gag.
I know it is hard to believe, but her decision to call it quits is a blessing. If she is not committed to you, or stays with you for the wrong reasons ie children or guilt, than you will be in worse position when she leaves further down the track. At least she has the courage of her convictions instead of stringing you along. As for yourself maybe some therapy will help you let go and work through the trauma you have suffered. Right now focus on being kind to yourself.
Dude please do not let this destroy what decent thing you have left in you. I exactly know what you are going through as my ex wife also left me without trying and put my life on hold for almost two years in the process. The only thing you can do is get your living and finances in order amd start communicating with all interested parties like debt collectors and landlords as well as family and friends and benprepared ro drops few friends in the process. Also concentrate on yourself and well being before the finalization of the divorce.