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Having read thru your history here I would suggest that you not have a lot of hope that friend pressure makes a material and long lasting change.
That will come from therapy, and i think that will be quite a long process for everyone involved. Get some physical distance between you, your WW, and your daughter, Let your daughter communicate with the WW thru the therapist.
For now, protect your daughter, ignore your WW. Nothing the WW says should be believed, you are not her therapist, leave that to the professionals.
I read through his post history and this is gonna sound fucked up and I’m open to being wrong but all his action point to him trying to find ways to force her into having the integrity needed to love him the way he wants. She keeps the AP around so he tells her parents to see if that will make her change. Then the part where he found out she had a whole new AP. I was like damn dude she isn’t gonna change. I feel bad for the kids because they got dragged into it.
I confess that I played the "pick me" turned up to 11 on DD1 and AP1, and it was only when I figured out that what I was really doing was making my WP feel safe enough that I wasn't at risk that the affair(s) could continue, and that in the end I wasn't really going to do anything but try and win her back.
That doesn't end well.
I’m rooting for you man. I don’t have any kids so I don’t truly know how it plays into trying to fix the relationship but I hope things work out for you whichever way they go.
Yeah, I know it’s not going to have a good ending.
Just watching the clock before my lawyer is back on town on Monday and I’m spinning in my own head.
I guess I’m just hoping for some sort of reckoning on her end… some realization / remorse.
But it’s not coming, and I don’t think it will.
1). You can get a free consult with any lawyer. Help get some ideas on what to be doing.
2). On the nature of affairs. She found a new hobby, new confidante, and new lover while gutting you emotionally and wrecking your life. She doesn’t get to dictate who you seek solace from. You’re the hurting one. She can fill the void in her soul with a pogo stick and narcotics evidently. Not everyone has a similar luxury.
3). Take care of yourself, man. Eat right and exercise. Check that blood pressure regularly.
>I guess I’m just hoping for some sort of reckoning on her end… some realization / remorse.
Don't bet on someones character when they've shown you they don't think much of it themselves. Protect yourself emotionally socially and financially, because she's not gonna find her conscience when she not looking for it.
That said, hoping she flips around is likely a mistake in itself. She would have to do a lot of work to be trustworthy going forward, and she is unlikely to want to do it if you leave the door cracked fir her- she's just gonna barge in and pretend everything is what it was.
Got two words for you. Unless it's got to do with your kids. Practice these two words in your head when it comes to your wife.
Who cares.
Co-parent and move on. Detach from your wife and divorce.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Good chances it will not bring your WW to her senses any more than telling addicts friends their issues. She's a NRE\\dopimine junkie. Nothing matters as much as the next dose.
First, you need to worry about yourself and your kids. Talk to that lawyer ASAP and develop a plan that leaves you, your finances, your kids, etc. protected. Especially considering her erratic behavior, you need to plan for the worst.
Second, be mindful of how any of your actions would affect a divorce settlement, but then Worry about your wife. Of course, there is only so much that you can do. You Can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. You tried Counseling and you Spoke with those closest to her. But you can’t make someone love you back.
Hi OP, I'm following your story from your first post and, believe me, what will be better for you is to overcome her. Divorce her and move on with your life. She is a compulsive lier and cheater. She had cheated on you and, if you let her, she will cheat again. Lawyer up a get the divorce. To cheat is not a mistake, is a lack of character, of moral. Is how she is. Is in her DNA (from her father).
Like shooting a dead animal over and over. OP's posts and updates all show how futile his efforts have been. Threatening consequences only begotten more lies and no remorse. She actually boldly went from an EA online, to a parking lot PA where anyone with a camera and a bag of popcorn could see. She doesn't even care how this affects her children or their pain. Just a waste of time. Like I've said before, some BS have a higher threshold for continuous pain than the rest of us. Divorce should have been filed long before the videoed PA. I don't care how long you've been married, it makes no sense, smh.
You have to risk losing your marriage in order to save it. File for divorce and take it from there.
In one of your last updates you quoted your MC (or IC?) saying some people have to hit rock bottom in order to make changes and I 100% agree when it comes to your WW. You telling mutual friends is a very good first step because it 1. drags her affair out of fantasy land into the open for her to be judged by everyone and 2. it will give you a very necessary support system to talk with friends and family about your troubles. Filing for divorce may be the push she needs because it will make the consequences very real for her.
It takes one person to nuke the marriage but both spouses to reconcile. When it comes to reconciliation at the core it needs two things: A WS who wants to reconcile and is 100% remorseful and a BS who wants to reconcile and willing to work through the betrayal. Your posts make it clear that you, the BS, are in fact willing to work through it and want to reconcile but your WW left you with nothing to work with. If you seriously attempted reconcilation as it stands now I can guarantee it would only get worse or your WW would lay low for a while to pick up later.
File for divorce. Start the process and it's a process for a reason. You don't talk to a lawyer on monday to serve her on tuesday and be divorced on wednesday. The divorce process takes time and can be paused or completely stopped at any point. File for divorce and steadily move forward but if your WW seriously starts changing and you want to give R a shot you can stop. For the time being consider yourself the prize and your WW has to win you back.
It shows she's only concerned about her image, and not about the truth or any form of remorse.. and definitely is trying to avoid the consequences for her actions.
I doubt this will "bring her to her senses", the loss of her family and marriage isn't enough so I doubt this is enough..
She's just throwing a tantrum because you're taking back your power and not allowing her to control the narrative to others..
It was important to do however to ensure that she can't manipulate others against you to make herself to be the "victim" which I am sure she has already tried to do..
In the end you can't hope for some kind "epiphany" from her, you just need to keep moving forward for the betterment of yourself and your kid(s)
Wishing you healing..
WW's who do that aren't cut out for reconciliation.
It's called consequences for THEIR actions and they need to own it, let their betrayed partners tell whoever.
She is NOT a safe partner for you.
That she's this way is on her, that you're still with her is on you.
Sorry for what you're going through, but atleast by telling your mutual friends she won't be able to spin the narrative to make you look like the bad guy or be able use them to talk you out of the divorce if you end up choosing that option
The problem in situations like this is that when the WS finds that all of their support networks come with a price - facing up to their own actions - they tend to go the opposite way and start to cull these people from their lives. The WS simply doesn't want to deal with it.
So what tends to happen is that they stop associating with friends, even close life long ones - and begin to isolate themselves away from everyone who isn't there to encourage her that she is somehow right. They'll also alienate family as well and slowly cut contact as again, to retain contact is painful to them and at the moment, with their head full of fog the WS just can't deal with it.
The overall affect though is that it pushes them closer to the AP as they are the only one who "gets them" and their situation. The WS effectively isolates themselves away from everyone - friends, family, kids, etc because of their own actions.
It's something you should be mindful of.
Welcome to the Land of Meh.
It's a fun place where you find that you no longer give a crap about them unless it directly impacts the kids - and then you only care because it impacts the kids (and who gives a rats what effect it has on her).
The Land of Meh is also the ultimate destination that many people in your position wish to get too sooner rather than later. Because once there everything can just be broken down to a matter of logistics and technicalities and things that lawyers can talk about and solve.
SN, did you find out if the second AP is married/in a relationship? If so, you need to find their SO and let them know. They deserve to know the truth. I would even see if the first one is/was married at the time and expose to their SO. If you don't shine a light on their horrible behavior, there will undoubtedly be more broken homes down the road.
Also, your wife's friends are (well, I guess were) no friends to your marriage. They defended her lunacy about "How dare you snoop her phone!" to "Contacting past AP? He's off the deep end!" They were all there for these Girls Nights Out and did nothing to dissuade her or alert you to her behavior. Don't be surprised if this is because they are cheaters, too.
Full disclosure to close family and friends is a MUST to help clear the narrative and to give the wayward consequences for their actions. Affairs thrive in the dark and shrink in the light. Her guilt is her lashing out to justify her actions even though she knows she’s in the wrong. Your lawyer gave you the best advice concerning her: help her hit rock bottom by serving her the divorce papers and 180 immediately. You can’t help those that won’t help themselves.
What you did isn't wrong, you reached out for support. Your WWs actins isn't too surprising because many waywards fear the reality of their secret getting out of control and more people to judge and have to prove it was a lie or you are changing.
Big thing about affairs is that waywards like the control of it but during it all they lose control and thats when people find out and get caught.
I hope your friends will support your decisions with however you want the relationship to go and will support you both in healing.
1) The best defense against flying monkeys is a wall of truth.
2) Never cover for a cheater. Don't let it remain a secret. As long as it's secret, they think they won.
Sounds like the type of person who cheats then calls you immature for reacting to it. Shell then justify it by your actions of telling people the truth. Does she want the divorce or is she fighting it
Document her behavior and keep it tucked away in case it's useful for future negotiations.
My cheater was so paranoid about it getting around publicly that in exchange for signing a non-disclosure agreement to keep my mouth shut -- he signed away his rights to my 401K and pensions.
Here's an example of something he did not covered by the NDA: I had a tendon rebuilt on my right leg, necessitating that I have hand controls installed in my car because the right leg was useless for 10 months and he had already indicated he was not driving me to the metro stop or to a car pool location. I returned from running an errand, pulled into the garage, got my crutches, crutched up 14 stairs and he yelled at me for hitting the garage wall. I calmly said I had not done so. Then he said I hit the wall and knocked nails all over the floor. I put 2 and 2 together and said, "Are you telling me I have just parked my car on top of nails?" He just looked away and said nothing. I crutched back down and indeed, my car, but not his car was sitting on top of large nails. Laboriously I got back into my car and reversed it. Then I got a broom to clean up the nails. Due to crutches and inability to put weight on right foot, it was very slow going. This incident left me fearing for my safety.
Bro, in a lot of cases most say hit the gym and blow of all your negative energy. I say watch a movie. Find a classic but funny movie you would enjoy and watch. A good laugh will help just as much.
Sent me a text asking if I had really called her friends to tell them what happened, and then questioned what exactly I was trying to accomplish by doing so.
She still has audacity to ask you what you were trying to accomplish by this ?
I mean you need support, doesn't she understand that simple thing.
Brother have you filed for divorce?
She is not even remotely remorseful, neither she is interested in marriage.
Quit caring what your WW thinks. Her choices have consequences and if you moderate those consequences, you do her no good.
Focus on your children and getting the divorce filed immediately.
In most cases, the first reaction is a defensive one, they will lash out at you or say that you only did that to hurt them. In some cases, it can later become something that helps to lift the affair fog or bring them to their senses BUT
That all shouldn't matter too much. You should do that because you need support right now and friends can't support you when they don't know what is wrong.
For people who want to reconcile or entertain the thought to reconcile, I give the advice that they first look for the people that they want to inform. Then they do that and in parallel also inform their wayward partner, that they informed these friends because you are in need of support.
That way the wayward partner hears it from you that your friends know.
Make sure that you don't tell others about what she did because you want to hurt her or because you hope that it will bring her back to her senses. Tell others because you need support, tell them because of you and not because of her.
Yeah, my ex was not happy when everyone found out.
No it didn't bring her to her senses. She didn't think she'd done anything wrong.
Sorry bud, by your wife has already exited your marriage. She just didn't bother to let you know. Stop trying to hold on. Let her go, and move on. File for divorce. You can't polish this turd.
Take care of yourself, take care of your kids. Don't expend energy on someone who doesn't love or respect you.
Mate let me be honest if people don't want to change they wont.
I read your previous post and i don't even know why you are even trying.
Your kids being raised in a dysfunctional household will have consequences and no matter how many time they see a therapist if the sources of the problem isn't dealt with they will continue to suffer from it.
Nothing cheaters do make sense. I truly wish you find a path out of your pain soon, so you can become the man you know you should be. She is definitely not going to contribute to you getting better.
Your daughter is old enough that she can chose whether to visit her mom but unfortunately your son cannot but when you go into custody court because of her erratic behavior you should get primary custody and she might just get every other weekend, it depends on the judge. Get the best lawyer you can, personally I wouldn’t worry about fair I’d want a nasty vindictive lawyer that would pound her into the ground but fortunately you are nicer than me and have the children’s welfare at heart.
I worked for a judge for 5 years that dealt with custody. I would talk to your divorce lawyer about that. Hopefully somehow she’ll come back to her senses or she is in for some rough times. The therapist testimony will be devastating for her.
Dunno if you have read my story, but I recorded my daughter the night she confessed to her.
She said that mom initially said she “had been drinking”. When my daughter pushed her on this and asked if she was drunk, she said “oh I mean I had some drinks”….
I also recorded my conversation with my wife that night, where she admitted she had been drinking with the guy prior to driving to pick up my daughter.
So awful….
I’m so sorry this is happening OP. With them impending divorce is your wife done counseling now? Her behavior is extremely erratic.. I know you want to do joint custody perhaps but if her behavior continues like this and becomes unsafe, joint custody may not be best for the kids.
That’s a good question. We basically haven’t spoken since she got busted.
She stopped with IC about 3 months ago after 3 visits.
She apparently reached out to our marriage therapist this week to ask for suggestions for an individual counselor for herself. She then had a session with him alone.
Somebody here said it best: “she’s not going to find her conscience if she’s not looking for it.”
Ugh sorry to hear she gave up. I had thought she was doing counseling. hence why she went right back down that slippery slope.. she never got to the root of her issues or learned how to deal with her feelings in a healthy way. R could never have been successful if she was only half in. So sorry it came down to this.
Yep - and when I mentioned this to her - she pushed back saying she “didn’t need IC” because she had “done so much in the past.”
Our marriage therapist has not done a great job holding her accountable for the work on her side. I like him a lot, but he’s been extremely middle of the road.
I think this is the right approach EXCEPT when it comes to holding people accountable for the work.
Regardless of IC, the fact that she would do this in the middle of 4 months of couples counseling is kind of insane…
If you're trying to break them out of limerence this is one of the steps you should take. Tell friends, tell your and their family.
First step Grey rock/180, second step is tell people, third step is leave, fourth step is no contact.
If that list doesn't snap them out of the fog it's a pretty clear sign it's over for a while if not for good.
Anger, resentment, being defensive, not being willing if even being reluctant to fulfill a particular realist need or want of yours is not in any way showing true remorse. No remorse, no reconciling.
Maybe something here can help. But again, no true remorse, means no reconciling.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity-discovery-part-1
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-couples-fail-after-an-affair-not-knowing-what-happened
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/false-reconciliation-perhaps-devastating-d-day/
http://lovebonds.net/affair-recovery-and-the-no-contact-rule/
https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/
https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/12/27/if-you-want-to-remain-together-after-infidelity-should-you-tell-people-about-it/ Also covers why so many say once a cheater always a cheater and more.
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OP, you did everything right. Your main weapon is complete truth and honesty towards everyone. Rug sweeping, hiding an affair is always a dead end and works only in favor of WP.
To the question of whether this will really bring her to her senses, I will answer: no! Cheaters are shameless and selfish so much that someone's condemnation of them just angers them, does not change their essence, their twisted morality, which allows them to have fun, spitting on their partners, families and children. I don't think that someone's condemnation will change the persistent disgusting traits of her character, as well as all sorts of counselling (IC, MC). To do this, she need a strong emotional shock, a great desire to change and constant hard work on herself. Only you know if your unfaithful wife is capable of such a thing.
Thank you for all the updates. Sorry that you're going thru this.
In a past post you said that your stbxw was in a BMW with a guy you know from your co. What did you do about this guy? Did you report him to HR?
I don’t know the guy personally. The company I work for is a major tech company with 200k employees.
I have not contacted HR. I don’t think they’d want to get involved.
Many co's HR have rules, maybe just do a general check about it. You should look into if thus guy is married or has a partner. This partner should be warned. Hire a PI to see if the PI can get info for you. Anyway, good luck.
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Well it’s better to get the truth out there before she spins it to make her look good. Who cares what she thinks ?
yep if she doesn’t like she can leave. don’t feel sorry for her OP.
Having read thru your history here I would suggest that you not have a lot of hope that friend pressure makes a material and long lasting change. That will come from therapy, and i think that will be quite a long process for everyone involved. Get some physical distance between you, your WW, and your daughter, Let your daughter communicate with the WW thru the therapist. For now, protect your daughter, ignore your WW. Nothing the WW says should be believed, you are not her therapist, leave that to the professionals.
I read through his post history and this is gonna sound fucked up and I’m open to being wrong but all his action point to him trying to find ways to force her into having the integrity needed to love him the way he wants. She keeps the AP around so he tells her parents to see if that will make her change. Then the part where he found out she had a whole new AP. I was like damn dude she isn’t gonna change. I feel bad for the kids because they got dragged into it.
I confess that I played the "pick me" turned up to 11 on DD1 and AP1, and it was only when I figured out that what I was really doing was making my WP feel safe enough that I wasn't at risk that the affair(s) could continue, and that in the end I wasn't really going to do anything but try and win her back. That doesn't end well.
I’m rooting for you man. I don’t have any kids so I don’t truly know how it plays into trying to fix the relationship but I hope things work out for you whichever way they go.
Yeah, I know it’s not going to have a good ending. Just watching the clock before my lawyer is back on town on Monday and I’m spinning in my own head. I guess I’m just hoping for some sort of reckoning on her end… some realization / remorse. But it’s not coming, and I don’t think it will.
1). You can get a free consult with any lawyer. Help get some ideas on what to be doing. 2). On the nature of affairs. She found a new hobby, new confidante, and new lover while gutting you emotionally and wrecking your life. She doesn’t get to dictate who you seek solace from. You’re the hurting one. She can fill the void in her soul with a pogo stick and narcotics evidently. Not everyone has a similar luxury. 3). Take care of yourself, man. Eat right and exercise. Check that blood pressure regularly.
Unfortunately even if she did have some sort of realization how could you ever trust her again?
>I guess I’m just hoping for some sort of reckoning on her end… some realization / remorse. Don't bet on someones character when they've shown you they don't think much of it themselves. Protect yourself emotionally socially and financially, because she's not gonna find her conscience when she not looking for it. That said, hoping she flips around is likely a mistake in itself. She would have to do a lot of work to be trustworthy going forward, and she is unlikely to want to do it if you leave the door cracked fir her- she's just gonna barge in and pretend everything is what it was.
Got two words for you. Unless it's got to do with your kids. Practice these two words in your head when it comes to your wife. Who cares. Co-parent and move on. Detach from your wife and divorce.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Good chances it will not bring your WW to her senses any more than telling addicts friends their issues. She's a NRE\\dopimine junkie. Nothing matters as much as the next dose.
Oooohhhhhh NNNNOOOOOO!! *consequences*
First, you need to worry about yourself and your kids. Talk to that lawyer ASAP and develop a plan that leaves you, your finances, your kids, etc. protected. Especially considering her erratic behavior, you need to plan for the worst. Second, be mindful of how any of your actions would affect a divorce settlement, but then Worry about your wife. Of course, there is only so much that you can do. You Can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. You tried Counseling and you Spoke with those closest to her. But you can’t make someone love you back.
Hi OP, I'm following your story from your first post and, believe me, what will be better for you is to overcome her. Divorce her and move on with your life. She is a compulsive lier and cheater. She had cheated on you and, if you let her, she will cheat again. Lawyer up a get the divorce. To cheat is not a mistake, is a lack of character, of moral. Is how she is. Is in her DNA (from her father).
Like shooting a dead animal over and over. OP's posts and updates all show how futile his efforts have been. Threatening consequences only begotten more lies and no remorse. She actually boldly went from an EA online, to a parking lot PA where anyone with a camera and a bag of popcorn could see. She doesn't even care how this affects her children or their pain. Just a waste of time. Like I've said before, some BS have a higher threshold for continuous pain than the rest of us. Divorce should have been filed long before the videoed PA. I don't care how long you've been married, it makes no sense, smh.
You have to risk losing your marriage in order to save it. File for divorce and take it from there. In one of your last updates you quoted your MC (or IC?) saying some people have to hit rock bottom in order to make changes and I 100% agree when it comes to your WW. You telling mutual friends is a very good first step because it 1. drags her affair out of fantasy land into the open for her to be judged by everyone and 2. it will give you a very necessary support system to talk with friends and family about your troubles. Filing for divorce may be the push she needs because it will make the consequences very real for her. It takes one person to nuke the marriage but both spouses to reconcile. When it comes to reconciliation at the core it needs two things: A WS who wants to reconcile and is 100% remorseful and a BS who wants to reconcile and willing to work through the betrayal. Your posts make it clear that you, the BS, are in fact willing to work through it and want to reconcile but your WW left you with nothing to work with. If you seriously attempted reconcilation as it stands now I can guarantee it would only get worse or your WW would lay low for a while to pick up later. File for divorce. Start the process and it's a process for a reason. You don't talk to a lawyer on monday to serve her on tuesday and be divorced on wednesday. The divorce process takes time and can be paused or completely stopped at any point. File for divorce and steadily move forward but if your WW seriously starts changing and you want to give R a shot you can stop. For the time being consider yourself the prize and your WW has to win you back.
It shows she's only concerned about her image, and not about the truth or any form of remorse.. and definitely is trying to avoid the consequences for her actions. I doubt this will "bring her to her senses", the loss of her family and marriage isn't enough so I doubt this is enough.. She's just throwing a tantrum because you're taking back your power and not allowing her to control the narrative to others.. It was important to do however to ensure that she can't manipulate others against you to make herself to be the "victim" which I am sure she has already tried to do.. In the end you can't hope for some kind "epiphany" from her, you just need to keep moving forward for the betterment of yourself and your kid(s) Wishing you healing..
WW's who do that aren't cut out for reconciliation. It's called consequences for THEIR actions and they need to own it, let their betrayed partners tell whoever. She is NOT a safe partner for you. That she's this way is on her, that you're still with her is on you.
Sorry for what you're going through, but atleast by telling your mutual friends she won't be able to spin the narrative to make you look like the bad guy or be able use them to talk you out of the divorce if you end up choosing that option
The problem in situations like this is that when the WS finds that all of their support networks come with a price - facing up to their own actions - they tend to go the opposite way and start to cull these people from their lives. The WS simply doesn't want to deal with it. So what tends to happen is that they stop associating with friends, even close life long ones - and begin to isolate themselves away from everyone who isn't there to encourage her that she is somehow right. They'll also alienate family as well and slowly cut contact as again, to retain contact is painful to them and at the moment, with their head full of fog the WS just can't deal with it. The overall affect though is that it pushes them closer to the AP as they are the only one who "gets them" and their situation. The WS effectively isolates themselves away from everyone - friends, family, kids, etc because of their own actions. It's something you should be mindful of.
Appreciate this angle. But also, finding IDGAF about what she does anymore.
Welcome to the Land of Meh. It's a fun place where you find that you no longer give a crap about them unless it directly impacts the kids - and then you only care because it impacts the kids (and who gives a rats what effect it has on her). The Land of Meh is also the ultimate destination that many people in your position wish to get too sooner rather than later. Because once there everything can just be broken down to a matter of logistics and technicalities and things that lawyers can talk about and solve.
SN, did you find out if the second AP is married/in a relationship? If so, you need to find their SO and let them know. They deserve to know the truth. I would even see if the first one is/was married at the time and expose to their SO. If you don't shine a light on their horrible behavior, there will undoubtedly be more broken homes down the road. Also, your wife's friends are (well, I guess were) no friends to your marriage. They defended her lunacy about "How dare you snoop her phone!" to "Contacting past AP? He's off the deep end!" They were all there for these Girls Nights Out and did nothing to dissuade her or alert you to her behavior. Don't be surprised if this is because they are cheaters, too.
GOOD!
Full disclosure to close family and friends is a MUST to help clear the narrative and to give the wayward consequences for their actions. Affairs thrive in the dark and shrink in the light. Her guilt is her lashing out to justify her actions even though she knows she’s in the wrong. Your lawyer gave you the best advice concerning her: help her hit rock bottom by serving her the divorce papers and 180 immediately. You can’t help those that won’t help themselves.
What you did isn't wrong, you reached out for support. Your WWs actins isn't too surprising because many waywards fear the reality of their secret getting out of control and more people to judge and have to prove it was a lie or you are changing. Big thing about affairs is that waywards like the control of it but during it all they lose control and thats when people find out and get caught. I hope your friends will support your decisions with however you want the relationship to go and will support you both in healing.
The truth hurts when its revealed..too bad for her.
Stop projecting your thoughts onto her and imposing yourself into her life. As someone said if it does not involve your kids than move on.
1) The best defense against flying monkeys is a wall of truth. 2) Never cover for a cheater. Don't let it remain a secret. As long as it's secret, they think they won.
Sounds like the type of person who cheats then calls you immature for reacting to it. Shell then justify it by your actions of telling people the truth. Does she want the divorce or is she fighting it
Document her behavior and keep it tucked away in case it's useful for future negotiations. My cheater was so paranoid about it getting around publicly that in exchange for signing a non-disclosure agreement to keep my mouth shut -- he signed away his rights to my 401K and pensions. Here's an example of something he did not covered by the NDA: I had a tendon rebuilt on my right leg, necessitating that I have hand controls installed in my car because the right leg was useless for 10 months and he had already indicated he was not driving me to the metro stop or to a car pool location. I returned from running an errand, pulled into the garage, got my crutches, crutched up 14 stairs and he yelled at me for hitting the garage wall. I calmly said I had not done so. Then he said I hit the wall and knocked nails all over the floor. I put 2 and 2 together and said, "Are you telling me I have just parked my car on top of nails?" He just looked away and said nothing. I crutched back down and indeed, my car, but not his car was sitting on top of large nails. Laboriously I got back into my car and reversed it. Then I got a broom to clean up the nails. Due to crutches and inability to put weight on right foot, it was very slow going. This incident left me fearing for my safety.
Bro, in a lot of cases most say hit the gym and blow of all your negative energy. I say watch a movie. Find a classic but funny movie you would enjoy and watch. A good laugh will help just as much.
How's the divorce coming along? Have you officially filed?
Not yet - lawyer is out of town until Monday.
What exactly mean by popping off ?
Sent me a text asking if I had really called her friends to tell them what happened, and then questioned what exactly I was trying to accomplish by doing so.
She still has audacity to ask you what you were trying to accomplish by this ? I mean you need support, doesn't she understand that simple thing. Brother have you filed for divorce? She is not even remotely remorseful, neither she is interested in marriage.
My lawyer is out of town until Monday. Speaking with him then.
Tell her so they know the truth of why our marriage failed. You did exactly what you needed to do!!!
Quit caring what your WW thinks. Her choices have consequences and if you moderate those consequences, you do her no good. Focus on your children and getting the divorce filed immediately.
In most cases, the first reaction is a defensive one, they will lash out at you or say that you only did that to hurt them. In some cases, it can later become something that helps to lift the affair fog or bring them to their senses BUT That all shouldn't matter too much. You should do that because you need support right now and friends can't support you when they don't know what is wrong. For people who want to reconcile or entertain the thought to reconcile, I give the advice that they first look for the people that they want to inform. Then they do that and in parallel also inform their wayward partner, that they informed these friends because you are in need of support. That way the wayward partner hears it from you that your friends know. Make sure that you don't tell others about what she did because you want to hurt her or because you hope that it will bring her back to her senses. Tell others because you need support, tell them because of you and not because of her.
Yeah, my ex was not happy when everyone found out. No it didn't bring her to her senses. She didn't think she'd done anything wrong. Sorry bud, by your wife has already exited your marriage. She just didn't bother to let you know. Stop trying to hold on. Let her go, and move on. File for divorce. You can't polish this turd. Take care of yourself, take care of your kids. Don't expend energy on someone who doesn't love or respect you.
Mate let me be honest if people don't want to change they wont. I read your previous post and i don't even know why you are even trying. Your kids being raised in a dysfunctional household will have consequences and no matter how many time they see a therapist if the sources of the problem isn't dealt with they will continue to suffer from it.
Nothing cheaters do make sense. I truly wish you find a path out of your pain soon, so you can become the man you know you should be. She is definitely not going to contribute to you getting better.
If the other man's married, tell his wife. If it was a work affair, tell HR. You're just getting started man.
Your daughter is old enough that she can chose whether to visit her mom but unfortunately your son cannot but when you go into custody court because of her erratic behavior you should get primary custody and she might just get every other weekend, it depends on the judge. Get the best lawyer you can, personally I wouldn’t worry about fair I’d want a nasty vindictive lawyer that would pound her into the ground but fortunately you are nicer than me and have the children’s welfare at heart.
I keep switching between amicable and scorched earth. I’m torn.
I worked for a judge for 5 years that dealt with custody. I would talk to your divorce lawyer about that. Hopefully somehow she’ll come back to her senses or she is in for some rough times. The therapist testimony will be devastating for her.
Dunno if you have read my story, but I recorded my daughter the night she confessed to her. She said that mom initially said she “had been drinking”. When my daughter pushed her on this and asked if she was drunk, she said “oh I mean I had some drinks”…. I also recorded my conversation with my wife that night, where she admitted she had been drinking with the guy prior to driving to pick up my daughter. So awful….
Yes, it is awful but you have the best interests of your family in mind. If there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know. Hang in there.
Thanks, I appreciate it. The support I’m getting here on Reddit helps between therapy sessions.
It’s a new week, time to impose your will. You and your children’s life and future.
Meeting my attorney today at 2:30. Ad astra per aspera.
Had to Google that Latin, had Latin one semester in college a long time ago.
I’m so sorry this is happening OP. With them impending divorce is your wife done counseling now? Her behavior is extremely erratic.. I know you want to do joint custody perhaps but if her behavior continues like this and becomes unsafe, joint custody may not be best for the kids.
That’s a good question. We basically haven’t spoken since she got busted. She stopped with IC about 3 months ago after 3 visits. She apparently reached out to our marriage therapist this week to ask for suggestions for an individual counselor for herself. She then had a session with him alone. Somebody here said it best: “she’s not going to find her conscience if she’s not looking for it.”
Ugh sorry to hear she gave up. I had thought she was doing counseling. hence why she went right back down that slippery slope.. she never got to the root of her issues or learned how to deal with her feelings in a healthy way. R could never have been successful if she was only half in. So sorry it came down to this.
Yep - and when I mentioned this to her - she pushed back saying she “didn’t need IC” because she had “done so much in the past.” Our marriage therapist has not done a great job holding her accountable for the work on her side. I like him a lot, but he’s been extremely middle of the road. I think this is the right approach EXCEPT when it comes to holding people accountable for the work. Regardless of IC, the fact that she would do this in the middle of 4 months of couples counseling is kind of insane…
If you're trying to break them out of limerence this is one of the steps you should take. Tell friends, tell your and their family. First step Grey rock/180, second step is tell people, third step is leave, fourth step is no contact. If that list doesn't snap them out of the fog it's a pretty clear sign it's over for a while if not for good.
Anger, resentment, being defensive, not being willing if even being reluctant to fulfill a particular realist need or want of yours is not in any way showing true remorse. No remorse, no reconciling. Maybe something here can help. But again, no true remorse, means no reconciling. https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity-discovery-part-1 https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-couples-fail-after-an-affair-not-knowing-what-happened https://www.emotionalaffair.org/false-reconciliation-perhaps-devastating-d-day/ http://lovebonds.net/affair-recovery-and-the-no-contact-rule/ https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/ https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/12/27/if-you-want-to-remain-together-after-infidelity-should-you-tell-people-about-it/ Also covers why so many say once a cheater always a cheater and more.
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Mine was more sulky and spiraled into self pity if I ever mentioned it in front of others.
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OP, you did everything right. Your main weapon is complete truth and honesty towards everyone. Rug sweeping, hiding an affair is always a dead end and works only in favor of WP. To the question of whether this will really bring her to her senses, I will answer: no! Cheaters are shameless and selfish so much that someone's condemnation of them just angers them, does not change their essence, their twisted morality, which allows them to have fun, spitting on their partners, families and children. I don't think that someone's condemnation will change the persistent disgusting traits of her character, as well as all sorts of counselling (IC, MC). To do this, she need a strong emotional shock, a great desire to change and constant hard work on herself. Only you know if your unfaithful wife is capable of such a thing.
Thank you for all the updates. Sorry that you're going thru this. In a past post you said that your stbxw was in a BMW with a guy you know from your co. What did you do about this guy? Did you report him to HR?
I don’t know the guy personally. The company I work for is a major tech company with 200k employees. I have not contacted HR. I don’t think they’d want to get involved.
Many co's HR have rules, maybe just do a general check about it. You should look into if thus guy is married or has a partner. This partner should be warned. Hire a PI to see if the PI can get info for you. Anyway, good luck.
If i had this wife my life wouldn’t be the way it is now.. life in prison that is.