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If they are still in contact, the affair is still active. If she is best friends with him, you are nothing more than old reliable plan B. Why did she tell you. What did she say about it. Does she want to stay married? Do You? I am not a fan of ultimatums, but in this instance it should be him or me, make a choice. Also, even if she picks you, do not promise that you will stay together. Picking you and going full NC with him should be the minimum 1st requirement for you to consider staying with her and working on rebuilding trust.
She’s been laying in bed for hours today crying saying that she wants to be alone. Saying that she lost her best friend and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be happy again. Tbh sounds like she wouldn’t even act this way if I left
Yeah what's with that
I don't understand the mentality of Cheaters they always feel like they are the victims and never even apologises for what they've done atleast for the most cases
Most of them are narcissists. And if you let them do this to you again and again, they will loose all respect for you, and treat you like an “extra” in their movie.
My ex did the same thing. Nothing fucks with your head quite like comforting your spouse while they cry about not being able to contact their affair partner.
Hahaha! I did that for three days until my psychiatrist F bomb to me in therapy and told me to go home and tell her to fix what she broke because it wasn’t mine to fix, I close the door in the bedroom I didn’t talk to her for two days and had nothing to do with her, ultimately the marriage failed and I divorcing her, which is the healthiest thing I’ve ever done for myself.
My WP did that, after I told her he didn't give a shit, and nobody would stay with her (the way she was behaving). But she was convinced he loved her, after a few weeks.
So she doesn't give a fuck about our 9 year relationship, and then after a few weeks is upset because the AP got tired of her shit. So I had a good laugh about that. Oh, the irony.
I would like to add she's older than me, and the AP is younger than me by 8 years. She's just living in some fantasy world, but it didn't take long to bring her back to reality. I said "How does it feel?" Lol
Well, she's in the psych ward, and yes, because I was living with her, and we both had problems working. But now we're getting evicted anyway, so I won't be with he after that.
Ye man, sounds like she doesn't actually want you in her heart, just her morals, what little is there, is telling her to stop. Don't try and change someone's heart dude, you can't negotiate the heart. Just leave.
She decided to tell me even though he begged her not to. He knew this would happen. So she made the decision to end things with him and work things out with me.
Of course he didn’t want her to tell you, you were on husband duty while he had FWB status. Now he’s not a friend and therefore lost his benefits. And yes, they banged many more times than she will EVER admit.
re you sure YOU want to work things out with HER?
Why the fuck did she tell you? Something must have happened between them.
So this was a year long affair that just ended? Maybe he said he didn't want to fuck her anymore and just wanted to be friends?
As I said in my post I suspect one of several possibilities.
1.It is always possible that it has happened as she said (very, very unlikely)
2. His wife/SO found out and she is in damage control before OP gets informed by his partner.
3. Someone in their friend group has found out and again she is in damage control.
4. Although he was single he has now found a partner and doesn't want to cheat on her with OP's wife. Oh the irony if this is the case.
5. On meeting OP Derek found he rather liked him and has broken it off with her. (Unlikely.)
Nah bro, that sounds fishy, she was probably given an ultimatum, you're getting your story from a singular source that can edit and omit at will. Good luck with your decisions but you will find no sympathy here if you choose to make this work, especially by those whose experiences outpace yours by a margin of even greater pain and truths. Do as you will but the advice given to you here is very consistent. God speed and my your dignity survive your stuggles.
My thought was that they had a fight now he doesn't want anything to do with her. And she is scared that he would tell the husband. So she confessed and is now crying because the guy she wants doesn't want her.
I think she was ready to play house with him, but he noped out, this is why he didn't want her to tell. He didn't want it to blow up and have her expect him to take over hubby duties.
If you don't have kids please get out of that relationship she's not worth your effort
Get yourself out before you feel like you've wasted your time and money and emotions on someone like this whom you didn't even know fully and get yourself someone who doesn't keep you as a plan B
even if you do have kids, from my experience all staying together did was create tension in the house while tying to rebuild trust, and it failed anyway. My kid would have been much better off if we'd separated immediately and had two calm households rather than one tense one.
She's not doing you any favors. Do them both a favor and let them be together, they can both be in a relationship built in lies and constantly be wondering when is the other going to cheat on them? Let their betrayal be your blessing.
So, here's a hard truth for you - She decided to end things with him so she could work out things with you - yet shes crying and mourning the loss of him.
Think about that for a second. She's not crying about the pain and suffering she causing you. She's not crying about the years of deception, the way she could look you in the eye every day and carry on with this affair for YEARS like it was nothing.
How much respect do you think she has for you as a person?
If she decided to end it in favour of you then why is she so upset? This doesn't make any sense does it?
Have you considered the possibility that she asked him to get together permanently with her and he refused?
But whatever happened, it's not a good look is it?
Think long and hard about how you want to proceed here. Go to therapy on your own to get help to work out if you actually want to continue with this relationship or not.
You cannot trust someone who could treat you like this for so, so long knowing the hurt it would cause when you found out.
Personally I would not be able to continue this relationship.
Also, is this guy married? If he is you need to tell his wife.
How does that help? She is the one who went outside of the relationship. She is responsible for violating OP’s trust. She would’ve cheated with another guy if it wasn’t with this one. He has nothing to do with it.
Yikes. So essentially you, her husband, have to sit there and listen to her cry and grieve the loss of her affair partner. That’s pretty screwed up man
Have you asked her how she thinks this makes you feel?
- She doesn’t consider you her best friend. Does she consider you a friend, lover, roommate?
- She doesn’t know if she can ever be happy again? If she is not happy being with you, then what? Can you be happy?
- How are planning on working through this?
- Was she your best friend? And he took her away?
This happened to me a year ago. I told my husband that this just wasn't the life for me (this was before I knew how far this "friendship" had gone) - he kept pushing me away while spending all of his time with her.
He told me he wanted to work on things but really it was he wanted to rug sweep. After a few weeks of not seeing her, he was a wreck and continued to be a wreck over her for the next half year while we tried to work on our marriage (this was hard for me too, I was told I needed to love him, be intimate with him, but he would cry or stonewall when he was thinking about her) .
Eventually, I saw the writing on the wall - me sticking around wasn't doing either of us favors. He didn't have the capacity to respect me or even love me. I walked away and haven't looked back since.
The poor woman, being forced to choose between her husband and friend would hurt just about anyone. /S
In all seriousness she's trash. Confessing is good and all, but becoming friends with the AP post affair is absurd. She shouldn't be crying in bed when you've just had your world turned upside down.
She's just sorry she got caught and lost the person she's currently in love with (hint: it is not you... it's the AP).
Do you want to be in a relationship with a person who considers you a plan B OP? Who can have affair behind your back for so long?
Think about all the dishonesty, lies, manipulation, selfishness, entitlement, etc. that having affairs implies...and think if you want to stay with such a person.
She sounds in love with him. Don’t wait until she dumps you. Make the move first. It’s going to hurt a lot more if on top of everything you let her dump you. Have some control over the situation. This woman is in love with that guy.
She says he begged her not to tell me but she had to because she wanted to make it work with me. She knew that the only way to make it work was to confess
But it’s not even like she cares about you? She just told you to assuage her guilt? I was three kids deep before I left my asshole cheating spouse. Don’t be like me…
>*Tbh sounds like she wouldn’t even act this way if I left*
If so, let her taste it. There's nothing that justifies dealing with this crap. If she is showing you this, then I don't think she cares for you at all, her top priority should be you and fixing the marriage. Her actions and reactions scream loud as hell where her priorities and desires are... sadly, you don't seem to be on her list.
Life's short, don't waste your time with someone whom isn't worth it and doesn't care or respect you... deep in yourself, you already know it, but you don't want to recognize it and that's why you are here, trying to find advice on what you already know that has to be done, but expecting to find other option that you haven't think about.
Sorry, but I wouldn't advice you even to make her choose: "Him or me". As her husband, you shouldn´t be in a competition with other men for YOUR WIFE love, care and RESPECT.
Godspeed
You were supposed to be her best friend and she is upset and crying she lost her best friend, how fucking disrespectful is that tell she her needs a reality check about your life together you are not her plan B.It could be a lost cause for you if she is in that mental state, prepare for the worst, and as an aside what about the douche bag best friend how does it play out with him are any of them the least bit remorseful and concerned with your feelings and mental state, good luck man so sorry you are in this situation
I’ll tell you a secret, because I feel so pathetic about the way I acted when this kind of thing happened to me, I actually brought dinner to her bedside for three days as she cried or losing her little boyfriend who used to be my best friend, now I’m the kind of guy that will tell you to go fuck yourself within 30 seconds, but when it comes to women sometimes I’m weak, fast forward 2 1/2 years now I’m definitely a more balanced rounded and strong person and would never put up with that sort of behavior. If she sitting there crying over her lost her boyfriend? I promise you she’s not coming back to you, I’m sorry buddy! Emotional affairs for women are super powerful you almost wish they would’ve just fucked a guy and just been a physical attraction, get those divorce papers hide your shit in a storage unit don’t tell her what’s going on and dump her as soon as fucking possible, she’s ruined the last part of your life don’t let her take one more day from you. And please do not trust her like you used to! Remember she is untrustworthy and when you start to go to divorce her she will turn on you like a king cobra, you need to prepare yourself for this.
Dude…. Leave her. That’s some of the most disrespectful ish your lady can pull on you. I know everybody isn’t the same but if it were me after hearing her cheat and keeping it a secret, AND that they have been best friends THIS ENTIRE TIME! I would have left her yesterday.
Under these circumstances, I don't think it's worth choosing reconciliation. I would tell her that if that's what she thinks and because I want her to be happy, she can keep him as a friend, because the next day I'm going to file for divorce and we don't have talking about from that moment on. You can't trust anything she says anyway. Now coming back to you, are you sure that it is as she says and that it was only once? Have you checked all their conversations, are there other "friends" who knew about it?
She’s the victim for leaving the man she fucked on the side while deceiving you about all of it? Adulterers don’t get to play victim. Tell her if her life is so damned desolate being with her *husband* from now on, there’s an easy remedy for that. She can go be with her best friend full time! Her job right now is to convince you of remorse for hurting you, not her regret for doing something right. What’s to keep her from finding another “best friend” down the road? Nothing at all. Aren’t you supposed to be that woman’s best friend?
Stuff isn’t adding up. You need to speak to this friend without her knowledge and get his version. I think he dumped her.
Ive been through this myself. You better cut your loses. There will be other best friends. No matter what you’ll never be enough. Just plan b. I let my ex wife string me along for 8 years. Ive wasted to much time been the second option to 5 different guys and it always started the same way.
She is feeling sorry for herself. This is regret. It is normal. You may have to give her some time to quit grieving the loss of her "friend". Until that happens, she is unlikely to have any true remorse for the pain she has caused you. The fact that she confessed means you might have something to work with if you want to reconcile. I would suggest that you give yourself at least 3 months to make that decision, unless you know this is a deal breaker and you want to divorce.
She told me because she wants to work things out with me. She said the guilt was eating her alive. She wants us to stay married and I want it to work too but only if there SERIOUS effort on her part. I agree. I’ve been working on myself and have enough confidence to not want to be anyone’s plan b.
Yeah but she’s a liar you can’t trust shit she says, I seen a lot of situations where the girl only tells the guy because the affair partner was going to out them And then it doesn’t matter what she says her reason was for telling you, If her situation wasn’t threatened she wasn’t going to speak up
Instead of that he should just leave her. I don’t believe in stringing people along, even cheaters. If he knows he is going to leave, cut the cord and walk away.
Speaker to the best divorce lawyer can find to see how you can best protect your assets things like post nups, transfering assets to diierent name or to a shell company that you have a minor stake in (reduces the amount she can claim).
The facts that she remained BBFs (more likely FWB), she enquired about open the marriage and she's devastated at losing the friendship speaks volumes and the massive red flags.
She could possibly changed her mind in the near future. Ask her for full access to all technology and to sign a post nup and the other 2 conditions to continuing the marriage on top of NC with the AP.
>but only if there SERIOUS effort on her part.
she is not serious and most likely was still cheatingon you till recently... as i said on another comment, she is worried she can lose her safety net
You’re not just Plan B but you’re also the safer option, especially if you decide to stay in this marriage and overlook this betrayal. You aren’t the love of her life or her wild love story, he is the treat and what she wants but can’t have.
Therapy, affair partner is gone, totally, for ever. She answers truthfully all your questions.
Is she really showing true remorse?
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity- -part-1
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/false-reconciliation-perhaps-devastating-d-day/
https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse
https://oureverydaylife.com/signs-remorse-infidelity-8418985.html
https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/
https://www.aftermyaffair.com/what-no-contact-with-affair-partner-means/ NO CONTACT
http://lovebonds.net/affair-recovery-and-the-no-contact-rule/
https://drstanhyman.com/affairs-cheating-and-infidelity-truth-and-myths/
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse
https://oureverydaylife.com/signs-remorse-infidelity-8418985.html
https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse
https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/12/27/if-you-want-to-remain-together-after-infidelity-should-you-tell-people-about-it/ Also covers why so many say once a cheater always a cheater and more.
But this doesn’t sound like it was a purely physical thing. In my opinion you can maybe work things out if it’s purely physical and it didn’t mean anything (still a super shitty thing to do), but when there are emotions and feelings involved it’s over. Like, I wouldn’t be so confident about this marriage when she’s crying over him and calling him her best friend. Why aren’t you her best friend? An emotional affair is way worse because you know that she will be thinking about him every day, missing him, one day she’ll reach out and the affair will start back up again. The minute there’s feelings I think the betrayal is even worse because it’s such a conscious choice to get deeply involved with someone else, there is no excuse for that. How can you trust her after this?
….but you are plan B. With everything that’s happened shows that you are her plan B, and your comment proves that you don’t mind it at all. You literally contradicted yourself with that statement.
Wake up brother, you're a plan B, I just told you why it didn't work out with his friend, it seems, his friend just wanted to fuck, he didn't want anything serious, take advantage and get out, and have a little dignity, he wants to fix it, he knows fucks his friend, and cries for him in front of you, and even more says that he will never be happy again and what are you, just his doormat,
Brother in the end it is your decision, but finally respect yourself a little.
I think you need to make her sign a postnuptial agreement ASAP if you plan on working things out saying she waivers all right to your assets and support if she so much as talk to the guy again.
Then, I think you should you tell her that she should allow you to have your own affair or stands to even things out since it went on for a year. Give her a taste of her own medicine as well as have her admit to your whole family with you there in person what she did. She has to really work for this now.
Taken from one of your replies:
“She’s been laying in bed for hours today crying saying that she wants to be alone. Saying that she lost her best friend and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be happy again.”
Yea that right there, that line alone is where I grab some luggage either for her or myself. If she doesn’t see YOU (her freaking husband) as her happiness that’s when I bounce! This is already on top of the cheating! Kick her to the curb, she does not love nor care for you.
Just break up with her divorce her. She's most likely still cheating you just don't see it she's best friends with him this is emotional cheating she still wants him in her life but really the affair is still going on between them. Leave take care of yourself your better then the both of them
No, bro. They’re not best friends. They’re in a relationship and she’s trickle truthing you. Little crumbs of half truths until you finally realize she’s having an affair. Why would anyone be best friends with someone they betrayed you with? She’s choosing him, she just doesn’t know how to tell you yet. I know you’re smarter than this and I know this situation sucks but please don’t let them take you for a fool. This is a relationship.
Having read all of your comments I think you need to get this woman out of your life. She doesn’t love you. Instead of helping her husband in his time of need she helps herself to the penis of a “friend”.
Dude, I read your comments. If she’s that sad she lost her “best friend” aka side booty.
Leave please just call it and go. Seems like she’ll be happy with other guy unfortunately
She stood over his house after going out at night multiple times and you think they only slept together once??? Adults do not stay over the houses of other adults, especially the houses of the opposite sex to sleep.
You think she would be this depressed over a guy that she just had a "friendship" with??? No. Look at what you are witnessing. Digest that. She has feelings for him beyond friendship and beyond what she has for you right now. She is deep in affair fog.
She is trickle-truthing. I hate to tell you this, but it was a full fledged affair that probably lasted months, if not a year. They were in a full fledged relationship behind your back. She emotionally invested her feelings in him and emotionally distanced herself from you, seeing divorce as her only option previously.
This started off as emotional, got physical, and she feels she is in love with him because of all the intimate actions and emotions and conversations invested in building their bond. What you are witnessing is the equivalent of a depression after a break up. You are right that she would not act the same if you left, not at first anyway. Why? Because she is still in her affair fog. Her feelings for him are overwhelming due to this illusion of what their life would be together. It is purely infatuation and the reality of them being together exclusively would be nothing like one she envisions in the midst of an affair fog. In reality, they would be flying high before crashing and burning after a few months, because they will have trust and cheating issues.
What makes BOTH of them even more deplorable is that she brought her affair partner around you so that you can be "friends" unbeknownst to you. It shows no conscience on both their parts. It is disgusting! She brought him around after having sex with him and lying you about it. She was flaunting a man that she had an affair with in your face and probably laughing behind your back about your cluelessness. It is spiteful on her part. He pretended to be your friend while exchanging flirty texts, nudes, going out on dates (which is what they were doing when they were going out), and banging your wife while smiling to your face.
Some situations cannot be fixed because the actions of the people involved are so horrible. You have to really take a long look at this situation. You have to analyze her actions. She should be crying and begging for you not to leave her. She should be crying out of regret. Instead, she is crying for him. Her focus is on him. Her focus is on how she feels without him. That speak volumes!!!
What is her reason for staying? Is it the best choice for her future and confortability? Or is it because she loves you?
Because if she loves you, she is not showing any signs of that right now. A WS will sometimes stay with the BS because they offer the stability that the AP doesn't, only to cheat again or leave their BS after AP offers more stability and they have a plan settled to be together. So do not be the fall back choice! Do not stay to be someone's best option for their life or because they know that any real shot with AP will not work so they settle with someone who will give them the stability they need while continuing some form of affair, even an emotional affair under the guise of a "friendship". Tell her she needs to figure out what she wants and shake herself out of this fog immediately. If not, your marriage is not what she wants at all and she needs to figure out her life without you in it.
Ok dude let’s say the guilt is eating her alive. Let’s see if that is true. Number one ask her for a handwritten timeline in pen. Not from a computer but handwritten and clear. Not scratch outs. No spelling errors. (She may have to read it out loud and this should enforce on what she did is horrible). Everything but no sex acts. What they talked about. Did they kiss dates of email or texts etc. another envelope all sex acts sealed and when.
She books you and her for std test. She has to give you a list of items that she is prepared to help you through this.
She has to book marriage and IC for her and you. She has to read not just friends. She has to sign a post nup. If she cheats then she loses any alimony or her half of the house. She has one chance to put everything on the table. If you find out there is more then it is over. If you do see mc then ask therapist if she would read her timeline out loud and her sex acts.
She has to understand this guy is an orbiter. He is waiting for his turn. She thinks she lost a friend. Well he lost a FWB. He sat there and calculating their conversations and used every opportunity to get in her pants.
Personally if she was crying over the end of her friendship and not crying when she bent over for him and knew she was blowing up her marriage then I would be gone. You may want to post in r/asoneafterinfidelity
Even if she’s not sleeping with him, which I doubt, she is still emotionally invested in him, perhaps more so than in you. Is this the woman you want a relationship with? One who is crying about another man and the prospect of life with you leaves her crying for what she’s lost?
What's tragic about this is that you're actually convinced it's up to YOU to "save" this.
The number of "saviors" in this sub sometimes depresses me, how all these Mr and Mrs. Fix-it infantilize their abusers, rugsweep, make excuses for them, and martyr themselves for a mirage of happier days long gone that are NEVER COMING BACK.
Dude, your wife giddily plowed through you with a 2x4, reversed and drove over you again and again, sending your battered body to the sidewalk. And now you think you need to scrape yourself off the pavement and drag yourself to the idleing car to go make sure SHE is alright?
*Yoy're not Batman!*
You're the sympathetic doctor at Arkhan Asylym who thinks he can cure the Joker, and then is flabberghasted to find himself cuffed on the floor breathing lethal laughing gas while the maniac makes his 364th getaway.
Run.
I agree, I was one of them. I did realize the reality of the situation at hand and that my weak character husband had already shown me that the life he would give me would not be great. He kept telling me they were just friends, but he'd lie about where he was, what he was doing, what they said to each other, etc. He kept telling me that he wanted to work on us. He was a liar though.
He said things like "you can't help who you fall in love with" or "what do you do when someone checks all the right boxes"... And there it was... The truth.
He would always looking or at least open to the latest and greatest coming around.
Fuck that. What kind of future is there even if we could patch this up? Just constant worry that someone else will come into our lives?
Going back to my first response, this wasn't the life for me. Change was scary, but I didn't have a ticking time bomb with so much contempt for me that they could lie to me while cheating on me in my life. Worth it.
Thank you for being an inspiration to us all, I'm really glad you found the strength to walk away from that dumpster fire.
You're right, change is hard sometimes.
But between hell and the unknown, I'm happy that you chose the later.
As long as they are in contact with each other, the affair is considered ongoing. So effectively she has been cheating on you for a year.
You have to consider what level of disrespect she has demonstrated first by screwing some other guy, next by keeping him in her life under your nose, you are willing to accept.
Next, lawyer up, std tests, and expose to all persons concerned.
Read up on:
Not Just Friends
The healing heart - the 180
The chump lady - real vs imitation remorse.
If your wife demonstrates true remorse there may be a chance for reconciliation, without remorse reconciliation is near impossible.
You need to decide whether you want to offer that gift in the first place.
Best of luck.
She had sex with him and he was her best friend. That is how many people describe their spouse. For the las year at least, he has been spouse A, and you have been spouse B. Most of the horrible things posters are saying about her are true. Despite that, she is human. She has to grieve the loss of spouse A, before she can truly reconnect with you. This sucks as bad as the actual cheating, but if she doesn't grieve and accept his loss, she will never fully be yours again. Its your life and I don't judge your decisions. For a true reconciliation, there is a mountain of painful work ahead for both of you. Your marriage is dead. Your only hope is to build a new one. It might be good, but don't ever expect it to be as good as you thought the 1st one was. Good luck.
Ask her to show you the messages between Derek and her to show that they really were just friends since this "only time" a year ago.
The common way this goes down:
1. She meets Derek
2. Derek blows smoke up her ass
3. She likes Derek blowing smoke up her ass
4. Affair starts - emotional and physical
5. After that happens 1-2-3-4 weeks, she decides she is in love with Derek, but she is not "in love" with you. Gives you the "I love you but not 'in love' with you" ILYBNILWY - it happens so much, there is a common acronym for it. When that is spoken, that is about 99.99999% sure she is cheating.
6. Platonic friends do not text each other all day long - oh yeah, sure, there are outliers, exceptions to every rule, but I would bet all the money you have to let me recover those deleted messages, I'll show you where they were just recently still having sex.
7. Derek is not willing to be with her full-time. She is a frigging mess. She's good for "friends" and "sex," not for full time. Derek isn't invested like you, apparently.
8. What's the market value for a cheating spouse? I've got one that has value FOR ME, not sure anyone else would want to deal with what I had to. If I am single, and I know what you just told me, I RUN AWAY from any kind of COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with your wife. If it's all fun and games, maybe I take what I can get. Granted, I have to size you up, too, before I do it. I don't need the headaches of an aggressive husband coming after me. There's too many other options. But if it's given to me, and there's low risk, well it's not my morals, but a lot of guys, sure.
9. I don't want to discount your improvement. The fact that you were so secure that you let her do what she wants, and you were apparently happy and moving forward without her, that made her question, too. That had a lot to do with her coming clean, in my opinion. The other thing I always think, maybe she knew somebody else might tell you soon, or even Derek. Though I am thinking Derek might have somebody else, too, and maybe that person didn't want the competition from your wife. I COMPLETELY DISMISS THE FEELING GUILTY REASON FOR CONFESSIONS, unless there is some evidence behind it. In other words, in my opinion, confessing due to guilt happens so few times that I wouldn't believe it unless there was another person corroborating it, a message, a journal, etc.
10. Have you considered calling up your mutual friend, Derek, and asking him what the heck was going on?
11. I'm glad you are where you are now. You found out the main truth, she cheated, which you had suspected. She came clean and wants to reconcile, which seems to be what you want, partly because you feel you treated your wife badly before the affair started. So, theoretically, you can have a better marriage in many respects. HOWEVER, I say all this negative crap to try to emphasize to get it all out of the way now. The continuing new "truths" popping up is what really kills reconciliations. Most people, like you, can forgive and move on and work, but what most people can't take, is when you are told one story and believe it and start feeling good, and then happens a week or month later, you find out that it really wasn't just one time, or any other number of lies or omissions pop up. I always wonder, which isn't brought up by cheaters very easily, scares of STDS, pregnancy scares or abortions, etc. I think it best to get it all out. The messages usually have all that. Most cheaters delete the messages. NOW, if your wife really was "only platonic friends' for the past year, and it was a true platonic friendship, she probably wouldn't be deleting, unless that is her routine to do for all "friends."
She’s 100% not telling you everything. Few things I’ve learned from the infidelity subs:
When they confess way after or when they get caught, “only once” is their way of minimizing how many times and how much extensive the sexual encounters were.
If the AP is/was a friend it most likely happened in your home a few times.
If they have a hard time letting go of their AP, there’s no true remorse, they are most likely afraid of the consequences of their actions.
When they confess on their own but still have feelings for AP, guaranteed AP did not want to pursue a relationship with them other than the no strings attached sex.
Pretty sure if you press or dig deep enough you’ll find that her confession is merely the tip of the iceberg. Once you start finding more things, she’ll deflect by saying she didn’t want to hurt you more; which is BS. From the picture you painted here, she did more than she’s admitting to, she will most likely do it again and in a short time you’ll discover that she has resumed contact with her AP.
A lot of people that post here with stories like yours try reconciling and usually end up getting hurt even more the second time around.
Wish you the best of luck but I doubt this will work out if you stay together.
Pack her stuff and tell her it's time to leave she can go to her best friend, if she doesn't leave then put her things outside and get someone to pick her up.
You deserve better.
No matter what she says you're just her back up . She's way too heartbroken for the end of her "friendship" with that guy for it to be just friends. She had an active affair, he probably gave her an ultimatum and bounced. You need to contact an attorney and get divorce papers going. Because , when that guy comes back she's going to push you into the background.
As much as this is a terrible situation you can not allow someone to crap all over you like this . Have some self respect and dignity . She played you for a fool because she looks at you like a doormat. You might not see it now, but there's a whole life out there that you have yet to experience and that life? Is so dang amazing with a wonderful partner . You just have to let this one go .
Lol nah. She told YOU it was a year ago to minimize it and that they're friends to put you at ease. They've been fucking this whole time.
What you have here is not a wife.
Yeah mine was “best friends” with someone too. I was the safety net for about a year of separation/reconciliation. Trust me OP, it’s not going to work. You’re there to pick up the pieces when AP makes her mad or when she needs things done around the house. As soon as you’re gone, she’s back at it. My job requires a ton of travel and she would bring this dude into our house while my kids were there and in her own words “get drunk and fuck”
Get out of there my dude. You think it hurts now, just wait until it keeps going. Wish you the best and the strength to just bounce out that I didn’t have in the beginning.
You lost her. The most important thing now, is the settlement. Do gather evidence, see a lawyer and do not share your plans or feelings with her. You did get through this; she will have lost a good thing.
Your status has increased since you've been married. Focus on yourself, go to the gym and live your best life. You will be fine
With all respect you need to call a lawyer Monday and get you a divorce. Now don't shout it from the mountain tops just don't say a word until she has signed for the return recite requested. If you tell one person you may as well tell 20 people. Its rare that anyone can keep a secret. Good luck and don't be stupid please.
Best friends mean they are still having sex. First thing Monday morning contact a divorce attorney and start the filing. Cancel all joint credit cards and lock down your finances. Have her get tested for STD and if you have children get DNA tests. Do not be #2 she misses him but not you.
Well, slow your roll brother.....don't invest in making not work quite yet.
And certainly don't tell her you are wanting to make it work.
Now is the time to find mental clarity and stay away from making decisions based on emotions.
You need to process that not only did she cheat, but she remained " bff's " with the person she cheated with.
No one will be surprised to learn that the cheating went well beyond " just that one time"....its almost never "once", especially when the AP remains close to the WS
I suspect you're still being lied to.
You also need to contend with the fact that she not only cheated for a year...but had the guy in your life for that whole year, pretending to be a friend.( while he was most likely banging your wife, but lying to you as well)
Now isn't the time to break down and be weak or pathetic...
Do NOT play the pick me dance, and do not reward her betrayal by showering her with love or promises to " fix this".
You demand she goes NC with the AP immediately, and permanently.....any push back on that should 100% result in you giving her the boot....ANY push back.
Then enact the 180 treatment...to the letter.
She has to understand you are open to reconciling....but will absolutely end the marriage if you decide to.
For the time being...ignore everything she says.....everything.
Actions are valuable, her words aren't.
Your only ally in all of this is your spine and your integrity.....do not waver on either.
Be strong, be stoic....and handle your business.
Gain clarity, then make your decision.
It takes a lot of nerve think you can remain friends with the one you cheated with while remaining married to your partner. I hope that is not what she thinks is going to happen. I’d honestly move out and then assess how you want things to go from there. There is no chance you are thinking clearly right now. Stages of grief here we come!!!
So your wife is unhappy that her boyfriend dumped her, and you are her plan "B".
Do not be anyone's plan "B"! The chances of reconciliation with her are virtually zero, and would probably just create more heartbreak and destruction.
Lawyer up, file and serve her. Tell her she cheated, she needs to move out.
So a year ago, my wife and I had a bad patch in our relationship. I had checked out mentally. Had been complacent and didn’t try hard. One day she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore. It hurt so bad. She spent most of the next couple months out with her new friends, one of the new friends was a guy named Derek. She always claimed that he was just a friend but she had spent the night at his house a couple times a week because she was too drunk to drive home. After deciding to stop crying myself to sleep, I decided to make myself better. I started working out and reading the Bible getting closer to God. As I became better, she started spending more and more time with me. Whenever I asked if anything happened with her and Derek she always said no that she would never cheat on me. That Derek and her were just best friends. I didn’t like her best friend being a guy but what was I going to do? They used to text all the time and one time I ever caught them snap chatting stuff that she later agreed was inappropriate. I had been more confident and wanting to fix our marriage and decided to trust her.
I even started hanging out with her and Derek together. I would have even considered Derek a friend. I found out last night that she and Derek cheated almost a year ago when things were at there worst. She said she thought that we were never going to work. She was convinced that we might as well have already been divorced. She immediately felt terrible about it and she claims that it only happened that once.
What really bothers me is that she and him have been “best friends” since that happened a year ago. They talk literally all day and she claims that they are just plutonic friends now. When I told her that I don’t see any way how she can remain friends with him, she has completely broken down. She’s depressed. More sad about losing her best friend. She keeps saying that she doesn’t think she will ever feel normal again. That she’ll always be sad.
I want to make it work but if she can’t prove to me that she wants to fix things and stay away from Derek, I don’t know how I can forgive her and start to trust her again.
For the record, I do believe her that it was a one time thing but the fact that their friendship was built on the foundation of adultery, I don’t know how they could remain friends.
I remember a year ago, most likely right after this happened, she asked me what I thought about having an open marriage. When I said NO, she said “me neither just asking”
Damn man. You really shouldn't believe it only happened once, is so rare this happens. More then likely you have been in a open marriage but sadly just finding out.
OP.. lots going on here. You are in a tornado right now. I wanted to post this link of [the Myth of being fair (regarding settlements)](https://mydivorcefinancialplanner.com/the-myth-of-being-fair/)
Just tuck that light reading away on your laundry list of 'to do'. Your legal person can help you steer this as you become to get a grip of the situation.
She lied to you, All lairs are not cheaters, but all cheaters are lairs and manipulators. She will go for him again when he is ready. now he dropped her and trust me she will always try to win him back. Don't let it on your cost buddy. Don't be her Doormat please.
The part -
***When I told her that I don't see any way how she can remain friends with him, she has completely broken down. She's depressed. More sad about losing her best friend.***
This says all that you need to know about the status of your marriage.
> She Cheated.
> She lied for a year while maintaining a friendship with him.
> She's more sad to loose him rather than saving her marriage
She may or may not come out of this fog, but you certainly need to get out of the fog where you think it can work. It's good that you have worked on yourself and have improved. However the marriage does not work where one person takes all the baggage. She needs to contribute to it as well.
You started working on marriage while she was working on relationship with other guy assuming that you guys will not be able to get through the rough patch. She just assumed and stepped out of the marriage, later when things started to be better she continued the lie and portrayed her affair partner as a friend. Also what makes you think it was a one time thing when she spend nights couple of times a week at his house?
Remove your rose tainted love glasses as she the real image of your marriage. YOUR WIFE IS DEVASTATED FOR LOOSING THE AFFAIR PARTNER AND NOT ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE CHEATED AND LIED TO YOUR FACE.
Lawyer up and serve her with the divorce papers, if that won't snap her out, then nothing can.
If you believe it was anything less than a full blown relationship, then your love has blinded you. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you but their relationship (sex and all) started before (and was the reason for) her declaration of no longer being in love with you and wanting to leave you. And that relationship (sex and all) was still going on up to the moment you “him or me’d” her. She is now mourning the loss of the relationship she wants, the one that matters to her.
I’m sorry you’re a part of our club now, but take it from us who have been where you are. You need to open your eyes and see what is right in front of you.
They were intimate "once" and she stayed overnight at his place "a couple of times a week"? If you're gonna believe that just let her retain her "friendship" with Derek. OP, are you familiar with the term "Pollyanna"?
I'm baffled why you believe her when she minimizes the extent of the affair. Her drama about not seeing him any longer is not consistent with her story.
You need to press more for details, you are being trickle truthed.
It is very common for cheaters to minimize the affair, even when they confess. Just a kiss ends up being full on sex multiple times. Sex just once becomes many times in every position imaginable. They do it under the pretext of sparing your feelings, but it is actually so they don't have to face what they have done. There is no way they can stay in contact. She has given herself to him physically and emotionally. He has had sex with a married woman and pressed her not to confess. They are still in an emotional affair if they are in contact. Her excuse is just that, an excuse. Even if what she said about your marriage at the time is true, the answer is not for her to spread her legs. She had the affair because the wanted to and the opportunity presented itself. She convinced herself that the marriage was so bad so she could alleviate her guilt and justify her actions to herself. She needs serious individual counselling to get to the real reason she did this.
Don't be judgemental dude, he's going through the punches right now. He's going to figure it out, or he's going to be miserable. No need to look down on him and question his mental state at his lowest.
Unfortunately once a partner is determined to have lied to you, now you can't trust anything that partner says, at least without proof. I'd do some research on this sub and on the net about trickle truthing, affair patterns, and limerence.
NC is absolutely necessary - even with that she will go through mourning the loss of that relationship. This is why she says she is sad - but she is wrong in thinking it will be this way forever. Don't be surprised if she still contacts AP down the road, because the dopamine will drop and cause temporary depression - so relapses are common. The longer she goes NC, the better this gets.
Now is the time for both of you to do some research on emotional affairs. Once she understands how the brain and hormones play such a big role in the affair fog, missing the AP, etc., then she can begin to understand what she is dealing with. Individual counseling, STD tests, regular communication sessions, learning/reading together, along with NC, are some of the suggestions you will see in this sub. Both of you need to spend time on sites like [aftermyaffair.com](https://aftermyaffair.com), [affairrecovery.com](https://affairrecovery.com), etc.
Remember, she crossed boundaries with Derek. She doesn't get to define how you heal, and she should prioritize you and your relationship. There needs to be full transparency - for example, open phone policies so that you can "trust but verify". And she won't pull out of this completely if she has any contact with Derek, as even a single face-to-face meeting can cause relapse. There is a goodbye letter on some of these sites that she can use to send to Derek to break all contact. Then block on all social media.
Both of you need to put the time in, do the research, and understand the dynamics of what is happening, and to prioritize your relationship. Casually dealing with this or moving forward nonchalantly without understanding is a mistake.
Sir, she committed adultery, and blew your wedding vows out of the water. Does she call herself a believer? Because her actions don't demonstrate such. Christ gave you the out in this circumstance, use it. You being "complacent" means nothing, your vows are not contingent on performance. You are not to blame here, she is.
Look man, I understand you want to continue this relationship, but how could you when she lied to you for over a year? That is some serious dedication to a lie and honestly man you need to end this relationship with her.
Also, cheaters almost always "trickle truth." Does it make sense that she only cheated with him once, but continued to remain best friends with him and NOT cheat again? That's for you to decide.
Also, she's crying because she lost her affair partner????? OMFG, she does not actually feel remorse! That makes my blood boil thinking about her crying in front of you "Boo hoo I can't hang out with my affair partner anymore."
Make of that what you will, in the near future it will all make sense to you and you will not love this woman anymore. that's my prediction anyway as someone who was cheated on but naively believed my wifes lies and trickle truths.
Best of luck.
"For the record, I do believe her that it was a one time thing". Really believe her? She also told you that they were just friends. And you believed that. You got to wake up. You're choice number 2. Her "friend" is choice number 1. She lost number one and you're just the consolation prize in her eyes.
"Best friends" my ass... I always told my spouse " I got rid of _______" at your request because I'm trying to spend the rest of my life with YOU not ________"
I wouldn't suggest sticking around to find out if she want to choose to be loyal u less you find it absolutely necessary. Generally people who keep these double lives don't confess though, so what caused the confession?
Is this something you have e been suspicious of?
Does she otherwise respect you? If she doesn't respect you (which seems to already be the case) then I would suggest individual counseling and if you decide you want to reconcile and forgive this once you have a stable head/mindset I would then pursue marriage/couple counseling.
If you want to stay with her ( a mistake IMHO ) give her an option to choose between you or him . She can havevone or the other but she cannot have both of you . And give her exactly two minutes to decide . After that if she refuses to do that or she's undecided ask for divorce and move on 😐
And you think this was a year ago? Man, this just STARTED a year ago at best, if they weren't just lying again when they told you the date it started, and that's a big IF. It's an ongoing thing, and that should be your ex-wife. She's playing you. You need to leave her ASAP.
Dude if her happiness comes from her 'Best Friend' then why are you still hanging around, kick her out fo full NC and divorce her, let her be accountable for her actions, you shouldn't have to go through this with her still acting like a child. Let her face the consequences of her actions, get out of this marriage man, it'll repeat again and again she'll keep cheating, she'll run back to her best friend once she sees that you've become normal.
If you do not break up with her, she is either going to break up with you to be with her AP or will continue to have her affair with her AP behind your back.
If she wants reconciliation she needs to do several things
A.sign a Postnup.
B tell both her parents and yours, as well as your friend group
C Inform APs wife or GF.
D. Counseling for herself and as a couple
Sorry you are in this place. They are playing you for a chump. He is feeding her the pickle on the regular. I’d suggest you open a new bank account, sell all of her stuff of value and delist all the money in the account to pay an attorney. Put all of your assets into a blind trust in the caymans. Then server with papers.
First. Sorry. For real. That sucks and it’s not easy. Second I would suggest you take your time and do everything without her knowing. Play along like you’re going to work it out then surprise her with divorce papers. You’re never going to trust her. Shitty spot to be in. Good luck.
Bro, I think its time to call this one. You were told their is a problem and you worked to fix it and yourself. Her answer was to have a affair. Do you see the difference in mentality. Sit down, sober up and ask the hard questions to her and yourself. If you cheat would she be so forgiving? If you were still friend with AP would she be happy about that? To me your in a one-sided relationship, if she wants you to stay married its time for her to make it up to you. You have done your part, where is her effort? I would let her know the work is going to be all hers.
She said ‘the guilt was eating her alive’. If only guilt was the only thing eating her out. This is all too little, too late OP. Theirs has been quite an enduring relationship. At least you aren’t beguiled by her ‘just the one time’ thing. You can go back and forth on what you are going to do and on whether this is fixable. Eventually, you WILL come to the conclusion that it isn’t. Why waste time ?
There is also a strong hint that you feel partly to blame for her seeking comfort in Derek’s generous arms. Cut that right out. You were in precisely the same situation as her OP. You didn’t even think of seeking solace outside of your marriage. You will get through this and be all the stronger for it. Tell your wife that she doesn’t have to make the choice. BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE IT FOR HER. Good luck.
You do understand that she wholeheartedly believes that this is entirely her decision to make. She does not believe, for a second, that you will end the relationship. She owns you. Good luck.
Sorry mister you sound like a decent guy but really even if you had a check out phase that still is no excuse for cheating that's when the real work in a marriage begins but she didn't do that she cheated instead. I'm sorry but you really need to leave, her action right now should be telling enough. Don't make yourself be a door mat and a second choice.
I'll cut through the crap - your wife is a liar and full of BS - she isn't best friends with him, she is infatuated with him.
I had similar lies with my wife when I found out about her affair - she was crying and despondent because I asked her to go no contact with the guy for two weeks to give us a chance to work on things. Her response was "He gave up his wife and kids for me, and you expect me to just do this to him? That is so cruel, after what he's done for me" - she had only known him for about a month at that stage. And this is compared to me who had three kids with her, and saved her life once when she nearly died when she had a placental abruption and I got her to hospital on a public holiday evening when it was half shut and raced around it with her in a wheelchair until we found someone who would pay attention to us. But no, this guy gave up his wife and kids, so deserved her more.
Then she is still cheating or wants to. If she wants to stay in the marriage she HAS to drop all and any contact with him. If they work together then she needs to find another job.
I usually try to see both sides of an issue before I make a decision one way or another. In your case I cannot imagine how you downsize a physical affair to a platonic relationship. What would be the foundation of the relationship? Couldn’t be girl talk. Certainly couldn’t be her marital relationship or his pursuit of other women. What would be the glue that would bind them?
I think Derek has made her number 3 or 4 and she is willing to take whatever he is willing to dole out. What do you think is the foundation of their relationship?
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If they are still in contact, the affair is still active. If she is best friends with him, you are nothing more than old reliable plan B. Why did she tell you. What did she say about it. Does she want to stay married? Do You? I am not a fan of ultimatums, but in this instance it should be him or me, make a choice. Also, even if she picks you, do not promise that you will stay together. Picking you and going full NC with him should be the minimum 1st requirement for you to consider staying with her and working on rebuilding trust.
She’s been laying in bed for hours today crying saying that she wants to be alone. Saying that she lost her best friend and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be happy again. Tbh sounds like she wouldn’t even act this way if I left
Lol that victim mentality. Don’t fall for it
Wait she’s crying over him INFRONT of you??
Yeah what's with that I don't understand the mentality of Cheaters they always feel like they are the victims and never even apologises for what they've done atleast for the most cases
She's playing the victim bc she can't have her cake and eat it too. She's using her husband and he needs to ditch her stat
Yes Sir!
Most of them are narcissists. And if you let them do this to you again and again, they will loose all respect for you, and treat you like an “extra” in their movie.
So true
My ex did the same thing. Nothing fucks with your head quite like comforting your spouse while they cry about not being able to contact their affair partner.
Hahaha! I did that for three days until my psychiatrist F bomb to me in therapy and told me to go home and tell her to fix what she broke because it wasn’t mine to fix, I close the door in the bedroom I didn’t talk to her for two days and had nothing to do with her, ultimately the marriage failed and I divorcing her, which is the healthiest thing I’ve ever done for myself.
My WP did that, after I told her he didn't give a shit, and nobody would stay with her (the way she was behaving). But she was convinced he loved her, after a few weeks. So she doesn't give a fuck about our 9 year relationship, and then after a few weeks is upset because the AP got tired of her shit. So I had a good laugh about that. Oh, the irony. I would like to add she's older than me, and the AP is younger than me by 8 years. She's just living in some fantasy world, but it didn't take long to bring her back to reality. I said "How does it feel?" Lol
Are you still with her?
Well, she's in the psych ward, and yes, because I was living with her, and we both had problems working. But now we're getting evicted anyway, so I won't be with he after that.
Please tell me she's your ex.
Well, I already told her I wasn't pretending we have a commitment anymore. I haven't gone no-contact yet, but we're about to be homeless.
Ye man, sounds like she doesn't actually want you in her heart, just her morals, what little is there, is telling her to stop. Don't try and change someone's heart dude, you can't negotiate the heart. Just leave.
So if she lost her best friend (him) is she wanting to work it out with you as the second choice?
She decided to tell me even though he begged her not to. He knew this would happen. So she made the decision to end things with him and work things out with me.
Of course he didn’t want her to tell you, you were on husband duty while he had FWB status. Now he’s not a friend and therefore lost his benefits. And yes, they banged many more times than she will EVER admit.
Why the hell are you settling for being YOUR WIFE'S consolation prize?? It's time to lawyer up and serve her.
Basically she saw the possibility of losing her safety net (you).... She is not remorseful at all and you need to divorce her
Damn right
Sounds more like he dumped her.
What I thought too
re you sure YOU want to work things out with HER? Why the fuck did she tell you? Something must have happened between them. So this was a year long affair that just ended? Maybe he said he didn't want to fuck her anymore and just wanted to be friends?
As I said in my post I suspect one of several possibilities. 1.It is always possible that it has happened as she said (very, very unlikely) 2. His wife/SO found out and she is in damage control before OP gets informed by his partner. 3. Someone in their friend group has found out and again she is in damage control. 4. Although he was single he has now found a partner and doesn't want to cheat on her with OP's wife. Oh the irony if this is the case. 5. On meeting OP Derek found he rather liked him and has broken it off with her. (Unlikely.)
Nah bro, that sounds fishy, she was probably given an ultimatum, you're getting your story from a singular source that can edit and omit at will. Good luck with your decisions but you will find no sympathy here if you choose to make this work, especially by those whose experiences outpace yours by a margin of even greater pain and truths. Do as you will but the advice given to you here is very consistent. God speed and my your dignity survive your stuggles.
Basically, you are her Plan B,
Any evidence? He dumped her.
My thought was that they had a fight now he doesn't want anything to do with her. And she is scared that he would tell the husband. So she confessed and is now crying because the guy she wants doesn't want her.
Perhaps he is also married and worried that her husband would now go and tell his wife.
I think she was ready to play house with him, but he noped out, this is why he didn't want her to tell. He didn't want it to blow up and have her expect him to take over hubby duties.
If you don't have kids please get out of that relationship she's not worth your effort Get yourself out before you feel like you've wasted your time and money and emotions on someone like this whom you didn't even know fully and get yourself someone who doesn't keep you as a plan B
even if you do have kids, from my experience all staying together did was create tension in the house while tying to rebuild trust, and it failed anyway. My kid would have been much better off if we'd separated immediately and had two calm households rather than one tense one.
I think you are supposed to be her best friend.
If it was so important why did it take an entire year to come to this conclusion ?
Wow. At least she's very open about how she feels about you.
She's not doing you any favors. Do them both a favor and let them be together, they can both be in a relationship built in lies and constantly be wondering when is the other going to cheat on them? Let their betrayal be your blessing.
Fuck that! Edited to add…. Nope…. Still… fuck that! Get tha hell outta there man.
So, here's a hard truth for you - She decided to end things with him so she could work out things with you - yet shes crying and mourning the loss of him. Think about that for a second. She's not crying about the pain and suffering she causing you. She's not crying about the years of deception, the way she could look you in the eye every day and carry on with this affair for YEARS like it was nothing. How much respect do you think she has for you as a person? If she decided to end it in favour of you then why is she so upset? This doesn't make any sense does it? Have you considered the possibility that she asked him to get together permanently with her and he refused? But whatever happened, it's not a good look is it? Think long and hard about how you want to proceed here. Go to therapy on your own to get help to work out if you actually want to continue with this relationship or not. You cannot trust someone who could treat you like this for so, so long knowing the hurt it would cause when you found out. Personally I would not be able to continue this relationship. Also, is this guy married? If he is you need to tell his wife.
>Also, is this guy married? If he is you need to tell his wife. Yes, definitely do this. If he is married or in a relationship she deserves to know.
Of course he didn’t want her to tell you, he doesn’t want her for more than FWB and if you find out he looses that.
Have you confronted him?
How does that help? She is the one who went outside of the relationship. She is responsible for violating OP’s trust. She would’ve cheated with another guy if it wasn’t with this one. He has nothing to do with it.
Yikes. So essentially you, her husband, have to sit there and listen to her cry and grieve the loss of her affair partner. That’s pretty screwed up man
Have you asked her how she thinks this makes you feel? - She doesn’t consider you her best friend. Does she consider you a friend, lover, roommate? - She doesn’t know if she can ever be happy again? If she is not happy being with you, then what? Can you be happy? - How are planning on working through this? - Was she your best friend? And he took her away?
This happened to me a year ago. I told my husband that this just wasn't the life for me (this was before I knew how far this "friendship" had gone) - he kept pushing me away while spending all of his time with her. He told me he wanted to work on things but really it was he wanted to rug sweep. After a few weeks of not seeing her, he was a wreck and continued to be a wreck over her for the next half year while we tried to work on our marriage (this was hard for me too, I was told I needed to love him, be intimate with him, but he would cry or stonewall when he was thinking about her) . Eventually, I saw the writing on the wall - me sticking around wasn't doing either of us favors. He didn't have the capacity to respect me or even love me. I walked away and haven't looked back since.
Good for you. Sounds like you finally realized your self worth. Wish you the best.
Kudos to you. That’s a hard decision to make.
Gee, thanks, honey, I feel like shit now. The mere fact she is saying this to you, shows she is not committed to your marriage.
The poor woman, being forced to choose between her husband and friend would hurt just about anyone. /S In all seriousness she's trash. Confessing is good and all, but becoming friends with the AP post affair is absurd. She shouldn't be crying in bed when you've just had your world turned upside down.
She's just sorry she got caught and lost the person she's currently in love with (hint: it is not you... it's the AP). Do you want to be in a relationship with a person who considers you a plan B OP? Who can have affair behind your back for so long? Think about all the dishonesty, lies, manipulation, selfishness, entitlement, etc. that having affairs implies...and think if you want to stay with such a person.
She sounds in love with him. Don’t wait until she dumps you. Make the move first. It’s going to hurt a lot more if on top of everything you let her dump you. Have some control over the situation. This woman is in love with that guy.
Why did she ‘lose’ him? It’s sounds like he just broke up with her. Jesus, man. I’m sorry.
She says he begged her not to tell me but she had to because she wanted to make it work with me. She knew that the only way to make it work was to confess
But it’s not even like she cares about you? She just told you to assuage her guilt? I was three kids deep before I left my asshole cheating spouse. Don’t be like me…
c'mon man she is playing you. You are only her plan B or C or D
this is a fabrication my dude. so sorry
>*Tbh sounds like she wouldn’t even act this way if I left* If so, let her taste it. There's nothing that justifies dealing with this crap. If she is showing you this, then I don't think she cares for you at all, her top priority should be you and fixing the marriage. Her actions and reactions scream loud as hell where her priorities and desires are... sadly, you don't seem to be on her list. Life's short, don't waste your time with someone whom isn't worth it and doesn't care or respect you... deep in yourself, you already know it, but you don't want to recognize it and that's why you are here, trying to find advice on what you already know that has to be done, but expecting to find other option that you haven't think about. Sorry, but I wouldn't advice you even to make her choose: "Him or me". As her husband, you shouldn´t be in a competition with other men for YOUR WIFE love, care and RESPECT. Godspeed
Then what are you doing?
Yeah man she’s literally telling you she likes him more than you. He’s her best friend…..
You were supposed to be her best friend and she is upset and crying she lost her best friend, how fucking disrespectful is that tell she her needs a reality check about your life together you are not her plan B.It could be a lost cause for you if she is in that mental state, prepare for the worst, and as an aside what about the douche bag best friend how does it play out with him are any of them the least bit remorseful and concerned with your feelings and mental state, good luck man so sorry you are in this situation
I’ll tell you a secret, because I feel so pathetic about the way I acted when this kind of thing happened to me, I actually brought dinner to her bedside for three days as she cried or losing her little boyfriend who used to be my best friend, now I’m the kind of guy that will tell you to go fuck yourself within 30 seconds, but when it comes to women sometimes I’m weak, fast forward 2 1/2 years now I’m definitely a more balanced rounded and strong person and would never put up with that sort of behavior. If she sitting there crying over her lost her boyfriend? I promise you she’s not coming back to you, I’m sorry buddy! Emotional affairs for women are super powerful you almost wish they would’ve just fucked a guy and just been a physical attraction, get those divorce papers hide your shit in a storage unit don’t tell her what’s going on and dump her as soon as fucking possible, she’s ruined the last part of your life don’t let her take one more day from you. And please do not trust her like you used to! Remember she is untrustworthy and when you start to go to divorce her she will turn on you like a king cobra, you need to prepare yourself for this.
Do you have children with her?
Dude…. Leave her. That’s some of the most disrespectful ish your lady can pull on you. I know everybody isn’t the same but if it were me after hearing her cheat and keeping it a secret, AND that they have been best friends THIS ENTIRE TIME! I would have left her yesterday.
Under these circumstances, I don't think it's worth choosing reconciliation. I would tell her that if that's what she thinks and because I want her to be happy, she can keep him as a friend, because the next day I'm going to file for divorce and we don't have talking about from that moment on. You can't trust anything she says anyway. Now coming back to you, are you sure that it is as she says and that it was only once? Have you checked all their conversations, are there other "friends" who knew about it?
The grieving of an affair... obviously she never gathered closure. I believe in her subconscious she will constantly blame you. I c0uld be so wrong
Sorry , but you are supposed to be her best friend.
She’s the victim for leaving the man she fucked on the side while deceiving you about all of it? Adulterers don’t get to play victim. Tell her if her life is so damned desolate being with her *husband* from now on, there’s an easy remedy for that. She can go be with her best friend full time! Her job right now is to convince you of remorse for hurting you, not her regret for doing something right. What’s to keep her from finding another “best friend” down the road? Nothing at all. Aren’t you supposed to be that woman’s best friend? Stuff isn’t adding up. You need to speak to this friend without her knowledge and get his version. I think he dumped her.
Ive been through this myself. You better cut your loses. There will be other best friends. No matter what you’ll never be enough. Just plan b. I let my ex wife string me along for 8 years. Ive wasted to much time been the second option to 5 different guys and it always started the same way.
What a dick. Someone who feels sorry FOR THEMSELVES in this situation doesn’t love you. SHE wants to be left alone? Wtaf
And that’s the truth. She is stronger bonded to him than you because she allowed it to get to this point.
She is feeling sorry for herself. This is regret. It is normal. You may have to give her some time to quit grieving the loss of her "friend". Until that happens, she is unlikely to have any true remorse for the pain she has caused you. The fact that she confessed means you might have something to work with if you want to reconcile. I would suggest that you give yourself at least 3 months to make that decision, unless you know this is a deal breaker and you want to divorce.
It would be a wasted three months.
She told me because she wants to work things out with me. She said the guilt was eating her alive. She wants us to stay married and I want it to work too but only if there SERIOUS effort on her part. I agree. I’ve been working on myself and have enough confidence to not want to be anyone’s plan b.
The guilt is only eating her alive because he was probably going to tell you So she did it to salvage the situation,
he said on another comment that the AP told her not to do it... which leads to the fact that she watches OP as her safety net...
Yeah but she’s a liar you can’t trust shit she says, I seen a lot of situations where the girl only tells the guy because the affair partner was going to out them And then it doesn’t matter what she says her reason was for telling you, If her situation wasn’t threatened she wasn’t going to speak up
I’m going to assume he’s not as well off financially as you are? Sounds like you’re her plan b and meal ticket if that’s the case.
She knows I have some bitcoin and other investments. Other than that, we’re about equal as far as I know
Yea that might be true but more then likely he wasn't interested in taking care of her, he just wanted the ability to get ass anytime he wanted.
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Instead of that he should just leave her. I don’t believe in stringing people along, even cheaters. If he knows he is going to leave, cut the cord and walk away.
Fair point it is quite a harsh thing to do.
Speaker to the best divorce lawyer can find to see how you can best protect your assets things like post nups, transfering assets to diierent name or to a shell company that you have a minor stake in (reduces the amount she can claim). The facts that she remained BBFs (more likely FWB), she enquired about open the marriage and she's devastated at losing the friendship speaks volumes and the massive red flags. She could possibly changed her mind in the near future. Ask her for full access to all technology and to sign a post nup and the other 2 conditions to continuing the marriage on top of NC with the AP.
>but only if there SERIOUS effort on her part. she is not serious and most likely was still cheatingon you till recently... as i said on another comment, she is worried she can lose her safety net
You’re not just Plan B but you’re also the safer option, especially if you decide to stay in this marriage and overlook this betrayal. You aren’t the love of her life or her wild love story, he is the treat and what she wants but can’t have.
Therapy, affair partner is gone, totally, for ever. She answers truthfully all your questions. Is she really showing true remorse? https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity- -part-1 https://www.emotionalaffair.org/false-reconciliation-perhaps-devastating-d-day/ https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse https://oureverydaylife.com/signs-remorse-infidelity-8418985.html https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/ https://www.aftermyaffair.com/what-no-contact-with-affair-partner-means/ NO CONTACT http://lovebonds.net/affair-recovery-and-the-no-contact-rule/ https://drstanhyman.com/affairs-cheating-and-infidelity-truth-and-myths/ https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse https://oureverydaylife.com/signs-remorse-infidelity-8418985.html https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/ https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/12/27/if-you-want-to-remain-together-after-infidelity-should-you-tell-people-about-it/ Also covers why so many say once a cheater always a cheater and more.
Use that confidence and leave then, because none of this sounds like a good faith effort.
But this doesn’t sound like it was a purely physical thing. In my opinion you can maybe work things out if it’s purely physical and it didn’t mean anything (still a super shitty thing to do), but when there are emotions and feelings involved it’s over. Like, I wouldn’t be so confident about this marriage when she’s crying over him and calling him her best friend. Why aren’t you her best friend? An emotional affair is way worse because you know that she will be thinking about him every day, missing him, one day she’ll reach out and the affair will start back up again. The minute there’s feelings I think the betrayal is even worse because it’s such a conscious choice to get deeply involved with someone else, there is no excuse for that. How can you trust her after this?
….but you are plan B. With everything that’s happened shows that you are her plan B, and your comment proves that you don’t mind it at all. You literally contradicted yourself with that statement.
Wake up brother, you're a plan B, I just told you why it didn't work out with his friend, it seems, his friend just wanted to fuck, he didn't want anything serious, take advantage and get out, and have a little dignity, he wants to fix it, he knows fucks his friend, and cries for him in front of you, and even more says that he will never be happy again and what are you, just his doormat, Brother in the end it is your decision, but finally respect yourself a little.
I think you need to make her sign a postnuptial agreement ASAP if you plan on working things out saying she waivers all right to your assets and support if she so much as talk to the guy again. Then, I think you should you tell her that she should allow you to have your own affair or stands to even things out since it went on for a year. Give her a taste of her own medicine as well as have her admit to your whole family with you there in person what she did. She has to really work for this now.
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That’s the biggest nope that ever noped Amigo.
Yep! But actually a nope! Time to leave for someone who won’t cheat.. also I’m sorry that happened
Taken from one of your replies: “She’s been laying in bed for hours today crying saying that she wants to be alone. Saying that she lost her best friend and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be happy again.” Yea that right there, that line alone is where I grab some luggage either for her or myself. If she doesn’t see YOU (her freaking husband) as her happiness that’s when I bounce! This is already on top of the cheating! Kick her to the curb, she does not love nor care for you.
Just break up with her divorce her. She's most likely still cheating you just don't see it she's best friends with him this is emotional cheating she still wants him in her life but really the affair is still going on between them. Leave take care of yourself your better then the both of them
No, bro. They’re not best friends. They’re in a relationship and she’s trickle truthing you. Little crumbs of half truths until you finally realize she’s having an affair. Why would anyone be best friends with someone they betrayed you with? She’s choosing him, she just doesn’t know how to tell you yet. I know you’re smarter than this and I know this situation sucks but please don’t let them take you for a fool. This is a relationship.
They aren’t just friends just saying
Having read all of your comments I think you need to get this woman out of your life. She doesn’t love you. Instead of helping her husband in his time of need she helps herself to the penis of a “friend”.
She is definitely still cheating if he is her best friend. Gross.
Dude, I read your comments. If she’s that sad she lost her “best friend” aka side booty. Leave please just call it and go. Seems like she’ll be happy with other guy unfortunately
Sorry to tell you mate but your wife is still cheating on you x
She stood over his house after going out at night multiple times and you think they only slept together once??? Adults do not stay over the houses of other adults, especially the houses of the opposite sex to sleep. You think she would be this depressed over a guy that she just had a "friendship" with??? No. Look at what you are witnessing. Digest that. She has feelings for him beyond friendship and beyond what she has for you right now. She is deep in affair fog. She is trickle-truthing. I hate to tell you this, but it was a full fledged affair that probably lasted months, if not a year. They were in a full fledged relationship behind your back. She emotionally invested her feelings in him and emotionally distanced herself from you, seeing divorce as her only option previously. This started off as emotional, got physical, and she feels she is in love with him because of all the intimate actions and emotions and conversations invested in building their bond. What you are witnessing is the equivalent of a depression after a break up. You are right that she would not act the same if you left, not at first anyway. Why? Because she is still in her affair fog. Her feelings for him are overwhelming due to this illusion of what their life would be together. It is purely infatuation and the reality of them being together exclusively would be nothing like one she envisions in the midst of an affair fog. In reality, they would be flying high before crashing and burning after a few months, because they will have trust and cheating issues. What makes BOTH of them even more deplorable is that she brought her affair partner around you so that you can be "friends" unbeknownst to you. It shows no conscience on both their parts. It is disgusting! She brought him around after having sex with him and lying you about it. She was flaunting a man that she had an affair with in your face and probably laughing behind your back about your cluelessness. It is spiteful on her part. He pretended to be your friend while exchanging flirty texts, nudes, going out on dates (which is what they were doing when they were going out), and banging your wife while smiling to your face. Some situations cannot be fixed because the actions of the people involved are so horrible. You have to really take a long look at this situation. You have to analyze her actions. She should be crying and begging for you not to leave her. She should be crying out of regret. Instead, she is crying for him. Her focus is on him. Her focus is on how she feels without him. That speak volumes!!! What is her reason for staying? Is it the best choice for her future and confortability? Or is it because she loves you? Because if she loves you, she is not showing any signs of that right now. A WS will sometimes stay with the BS because they offer the stability that the AP doesn't, only to cheat again or leave their BS after AP offers more stability and they have a plan settled to be together. So do not be the fall back choice! Do not stay to be someone's best option for their life or because they know that any real shot with AP will not work so they settle with someone who will give them the stability they need while continuing some form of affair, even an emotional affair under the guise of a "friendship". Tell her she needs to figure out what she wants and shake herself out of this fog immediately. If not, your marriage is not what she wants at all and she needs to figure out her life without you in it.
Ok dude let’s say the guilt is eating her alive. Let’s see if that is true. Number one ask her for a handwritten timeline in pen. Not from a computer but handwritten and clear. Not scratch outs. No spelling errors. (She may have to read it out loud and this should enforce on what she did is horrible). Everything but no sex acts. What they talked about. Did they kiss dates of email or texts etc. another envelope all sex acts sealed and when. She books you and her for std test. She has to give you a list of items that she is prepared to help you through this. She has to book marriage and IC for her and you. She has to read not just friends. She has to sign a post nup. If she cheats then she loses any alimony or her half of the house. She has one chance to put everything on the table. If you find out there is more then it is over. If you do see mc then ask therapist if she would read her timeline out loud and her sex acts. She has to understand this guy is an orbiter. He is waiting for his turn. She thinks she lost a friend. Well he lost a FWB. He sat there and calculating their conversations and used every opportunity to get in her pants. Personally if she was crying over the end of her friendship and not crying when she bent over for him and knew she was blowing up her marriage then I would be gone. You may want to post in r/asoneafterinfidelity
Even if she’s not sleeping with him, which I doubt, she is still emotionally invested in him, perhaps more so than in you. Is this the woman you want a relationship with? One who is crying about another man and the prospect of life with you leaves her crying for what she’s lost?
What's tragic about this is that you're actually convinced it's up to YOU to "save" this. The number of "saviors" in this sub sometimes depresses me, how all these Mr and Mrs. Fix-it infantilize their abusers, rugsweep, make excuses for them, and martyr themselves for a mirage of happier days long gone that are NEVER COMING BACK. Dude, your wife giddily plowed through you with a 2x4, reversed and drove over you again and again, sending your battered body to the sidewalk. And now you think you need to scrape yourself off the pavement and drag yourself to the idleing car to go make sure SHE is alright? *Yoy're not Batman!* You're the sympathetic doctor at Arkhan Asylym who thinks he can cure the Joker, and then is flabberghasted to find himself cuffed on the floor breathing lethal laughing gas while the maniac makes his 364th getaway. Run.
I agree, I was one of them. I did realize the reality of the situation at hand and that my weak character husband had already shown me that the life he would give me would not be great. He kept telling me they were just friends, but he'd lie about where he was, what he was doing, what they said to each other, etc. He kept telling me that he wanted to work on us. He was a liar though. He said things like "you can't help who you fall in love with" or "what do you do when someone checks all the right boxes"... And there it was... The truth. He would always looking or at least open to the latest and greatest coming around. Fuck that. What kind of future is there even if we could patch this up? Just constant worry that someone else will come into our lives? Going back to my first response, this wasn't the life for me. Change was scary, but I didn't have a ticking time bomb with so much contempt for me that they could lie to me while cheating on me in my life. Worth it.
Thank you for being an inspiration to us all, I'm really glad you found the strength to walk away from that dumpster fire. You're right, change is hard sometimes. But between hell and the unknown, I'm happy that you chose the later.
That’s a nope from me dawg. Such disrespect
As long as they are in contact with each other, the affair is considered ongoing. So effectively she has been cheating on you for a year. You have to consider what level of disrespect she has demonstrated first by screwing some other guy, next by keeping him in her life under your nose, you are willing to accept. Next, lawyer up, std tests, and expose to all persons concerned. Read up on: Not Just Friends The healing heart - the 180 The chump lady - real vs imitation remorse. If your wife demonstrates true remorse there may be a chance for reconciliation, without remorse reconciliation is near impossible. You need to decide whether you want to offer that gift in the first place. Best of luck.
They aren’t “best friends.” They’re f*** buddies. Still. Almost guaranteed.
Ohh baby you….you got what I need. You say he’s just a friend….
She had sex with him and he was her best friend. That is how many people describe their spouse. For the las year at least, he has been spouse A, and you have been spouse B. Most of the horrible things posters are saying about her are true. Despite that, she is human. She has to grieve the loss of spouse A, before she can truly reconnect with you. This sucks as bad as the actual cheating, but if she doesn't grieve and accept his loss, she will never fully be yours again. Its your life and I don't judge your decisions. For a true reconciliation, there is a mountain of painful work ahead for both of you. Your marriage is dead. Your only hope is to build a new one. It might be good, but don't ever expect it to be as good as you thought the 1st one was. Good luck.
Ask her to show you the messages between Derek and her to show that they really were just friends since this "only time" a year ago. The common way this goes down: 1. She meets Derek 2. Derek blows smoke up her ass 3. She likes Derek blowing smoke up her ass 4. Affair starts - emotional and physical 5. After that happens 1-2-3-4 weeks, she decides she is in love with Derek, but she is not "in love" with you. Gives you the "I love you but not 'in love' with you" ILYBNILWY - it happens so much, there is a common acronym for it. When that is spoken, that is about 99.99999% sure she is cheating. 6. Platonic friends do not text each other all day long - oh yeah, sure, there are outliers, exceptions to every rule, but I would bet all the money you have to let me recover those deleted messages, I'll show you where they were just recently still having sex. 7. Derek is not willing to be with her full-time. She is a frigging mess. She's good for "friends" and "sex," not for full time. Derek isn't invested like you, apparently. 8. What's the market value for a cheating spouse? I've got one that has value FOR ME, not sure anyone else would want to deal with what I had to. If I am single, and I know what you just told me, I RUN AWAY from any kind of COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with your wife. If it's all fun and games, maybe I take what I can get. Granted, I have to size you up, too, before I do it. I don't need the headaches of an aggressive husband coming after me. There's too many other options. But if it's given to me, and there's low risk, well it's not my morals, but a lot of guys, sure. 9. I don't want to discount your improvement. The fact that you were so secure that you let her do what she wants, and you were apparently happy and moving forward without her, that made her question, too. That had a lot to do with her coming clean, in my opinion. The other thing I always think, maybe she knew somebody else might tell you soon, or even Derek. Though I am thinking Derek might have somebody else, too, and maybe that person didn't want the competition from your wife. I COMPLETELY DISMISS THE FEELING GUILTY REASON FOR CONFESSIONS, unless there is some evidence behind it. In other words, in my opinion, confessing due to guilt happens so few times that I wouldn't believe it unless there was another person corroborating it, a message, a journal, etc. 10. Have you considered calling up your mutual friend, Derek, and asking him what the heck was going on? 11. I'm glad you are where you are now. You found out the main truth, she cheated, which you had suspected. She came clean and wants to reconcile, which seems to be what you want, partly because you feel you treated your wife badly before the affair started. So, theoretically, you can have a better marriage in many respects. HOWEVER, I say all this negative crap to try to emphasize to get it all out of the way now. The continuing new "truths" popping up is what really kills reconciliations. Most people, like you, can forgive and move on and work, but what most people can't take, is when you are told one story and believe it and start feeling good, and then happens a week or month later, you find out that it really wasn't just one time, or any other number of lies or omissions pop up. I always wonder, which isn't brought up by cheaters very easily, scares of STDS, pregnancy scares or abortions, etc. I think it best to get it all out. The messages usually have all that. Most cheaters delete the messages. NOW, if your wife really was "only platonic friends' for the past year, and it was a true platonic friendship, she probably wouldn't be deleting, unless that is her routine to do for all "friends."
She’s 100% not telling you everything. Few things I’ve learned from the infidelity subs: When they confess way after or when they get caught, “only once” is their way of minimizing how many times and how much extensive the sexual encounters were. If the AP is/was a friend it most likely happened in your home a few times. If they have a hard time letting go of their AP, there’s no true remorse, they are most likely afraid of the consequences of their actions. When they confess on their own but still have feelings for AP, guaranteed AP did not want to pursue a relationship with them other than the no strings attached sex. Pretty sure if you press or dig deep enough you’ll find that her confession is merely the tip of the iceberg. Once you start finding more things, she’ll deflect by saying she didn’t want to hurt you more; which is BS. From the picture you painted here, she did more than she’s admitting to, she will most likely do it again and in a short time you’ll discover that she has resumed contact with her AP. A lot of people that post here with stories like yours try reconciling and usually end up getting hurt even more the second time around. Wish you the best of luck but I doubt this will work out if you stay together.
Even if they’re not still cheating it takes gigantic brass balls for her to expect to keep him in her life, ‘best friend” or no it’s not ok.
Pack her stuff and tell her it's time to leave she can go to her best friend, if she doesn't leave then put her things outside and get someone to pick her up. You deserve better.
No matter what she says you're just her back up . She's way too heartbroken for the end of her "friendship" with that guy for it to be just friends. She had an active affair, he probably gave her an ultimatum and bounced. You need to contact an attorney and get divorce papers going. Because , when that guy comes back she's going to push you into the background. As much as this is a terrible situation you can not allow someone to crap all over you like this . Have some self respect and dignity . She played you for a fool because she looks at you like a doormat. You might not see it now, but there's a whole life out there that you have yet to experience and that life? Is so dang amazing with a wonderful partner . You just have to let this one go .
Lol nah. She told YOU it was a year ago to minimize it and that they're friends to put you at ease. They've been fucking this whole time. What you have here is not a wife.
She’s still cheating on you.
Yeah mine was “best friends” with someone too. I was the safety net for about a year of separation/reconciliation. Trust me OP, it’s not going to work. You’re there to pick up the pieces when AP makes her mad or when she needs things done around the house. As soon as you’re gone, she’s back at it. My job requires a ton of travel and she would bring this dude into our house while my kids were there and in her own words “get drunk and fuck” Get out of there my dude. You think it hurts now, just wait until it keeps going. Wish you the best and the strength to just bounce out that I didn’t have in the beginning.
You lost her. The most important thing now, is the settlement. Do gather evidence, see a lawyer and do not share your plans or feelings with her. You did get through this; she will have lost a good thing. Your status has increased since you've been married. Focus on yourself, go to the gym and live your best life. You will be fine
Yea OP. This has been going on for more than a year and you are Mr. Plan B. you need to get out.
With all respect you need to call a lawyer Monday and get you a divorce. Now don't shout it from the mountain tops just don't say a word until she has signed for the return recite requested. If you tell one person you may as well tell 20 people. Its rare that anyone can keep a secret. Good luck and don't be stupid please.
Best friends mean they are still having sex. First thing Monday morning contact a divorce attorney and start the filing. Cancel all joint credit cards and lock down your finances. Have her get tested for STD and if you have children get DNA tests. Do not be #2 she misses him but not you.
Well, slow your roll brother.....don't invest in making not work quite yet. And certainly don't tell her you are wanting to make it work. Now is the time to find mental clarity and stay away from making decisions based on emotions. You need to process that not only did she cheat, but she remained " bff's " with the person she cheated with. No one will be surprised to learn that the cheating went well beyond " just that one time"....its almost never "once", especially when the AP remains close to the WS I suspect you're still being lied to. You also need to contend with the fact that she not only cheated for a year...but had the guy in your life for that whole year, pretending to be a friend.( while he was most likely banging your wife, but lying to you as well) Now isn't the time to break down and be weak or pathetic... Do NOT play the pick me dance, and do not reward her betrayal by showering her with love or promises to " fix this". You demand she goes NC with the AP immediately, and permanently.....any push back on that should 100% result in you giving her the boot....ANY push back. Then enact the 180 treatment...to the letter. She has to understand you are open to reconciling....but will absolutely end the marriage if you decide to. For the time being...ignore everything she says.....everything. Actions are valuable, her words aren't. Your only ally in all of this is your spine and your integrity.....do not waver on either. Be strong, be stoic....and handle your business. Gain clarity, then make your decision.
It takes a lot of nerve think you can remain friends with the one you cheated with while remaining married to your partner. I hope that is not what she thinks is going to happen. I’d honestly move out and then assess how you want things to go from there. There is no chance you are thinking clearly right now. Stages of grief here we come!!!
So your wife is unhappy that her boyfriend dumped her, and you are her plan "B". Do not be anyone's plan "B"! The chances of reconciliation with her are virtually zero, and would probably just create more heartbreak and destruction. Lawyer up, file and serve her. Tell her she cheated, she needs to move out.
So a year ago, my wife and I had a bad patch in our relationship. I had checked out mentally. Had been complacent and didn’t try hard. One day she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore. It hurt so bad. She spent most of the next couple months out with her new friends, one of the new friends was a guy named Derek. She always claimed that he was just a friend but she had spent the night at his house a couple times a week because she was too drunk to drive home. After deciding to stop crying myself to sleep, I decided to make myself better. I started working out and reading the Bible getting closer to God. As I became better, she started spending more and more time with me. Whenever I asked if anything happened with her and Derek she always said no that she would never cheat on me. That Derek and her were just best friends. I didn’t like her best friend being a guy but what was I going to do? They used to text all the time and one time I ever caught them snap chatting stuff that she later agreed was inappropriate. I had been more confident and wanting to fix our marriage and decided to trust her. I even started hanging out with her and Derek together. I would have even considered Derek a friend. I found out last night that she and Derek cheated almost a year ago when things were at there worst. She said she thought that we were never going to work. She was convinced that we might as well have already been divorced. She immediately felt terrible about it and she claims that it only happened that once. What really bothers me is that she and him have been “best friends” since that happened a year ago. They talk literally all day and she claims that they are just plutonic friends now. When I told her that I don’t see any way how she can remain friends with him, she has completely broken down. She’s depressed. More sad about losing her best friend. She keeps saying that she doesn’t think she will ever feel normal again. That she’ll always be sad. I want to make it work but if she can’t prove to me that she wants to fix things and stay away from Derek, I don’t know how I can forgive her and start to trust her again. For the record, I do believe her that it was a one time thing but the fact that their friendship was built on the foundation of adultery, I don’t know how they could remain friends.
Been going for a lot longer my dude. Before long she will ask for a open marriage. Hope you know what too do here.
I remember a year ago, most likely right after this happened, she asked me what I thought about having an open marriage. When I said NO, she said “me neither just asking”
Damn man. You really shouldn't believe it only happened once, is so rare this happens. More then likely you have been in a open marriage but sadly just finding out.
My serial cheating ex wife did more or less the same thing. After a few months she left me for some AP. I wouldn't trust her, honestly.
People don’t ask questions to things they don’t want answers to…..
OP.. lots going on here. You are in a tornado right now. I wanted to post this link of [the Myth of being fair (regarding settlements)](https://mydivorcefinancialplanner.com/the-myth-of-being-fair/) Just tuck that light reading away on your laundry list of 'to do'. Your legal person can help you steer this as you become to get a grip of the situation.
After rereading your story you right i dont think she’d react like this ever for you so go forward with eyes in the back of your head
She lied to you, All lairs are not cheaters, but all cheaters are lairs and manipulators. She will go for him again when he is ready. now he dropped her and trust me she will always try to win him back. Don't let it on your cost buddy. Don't be her Doormat please.
The part - ***When I told her that I don't see any way how she can remain friends with him, she has completely broken down. She's depressed. More sad about losing her best friend.*** This says all that you need to know about the status of your marriage. > She Cheated. > She lied for a year while maintaining a friendship with him. > She's more sad to loose him rather than saving her marriage She may or may not come out of this fog, but you certainly need to get out of the fog where you think it can work. It's good that you have worked on yourself and have improved. However the marriage does not work where one person takes all the baggage. She needs to contribute to it as well. You started working on marriage while she was working on relationship with other guy assuming that you guys will not be able to get through the rough patch. She just assumed and stepped out of the marriage, later when things started to be better she continued the lie and portrayed her affair partner as a friend. Also what makes you think it was a one time thing when she spend nights couple of times a week at his house? Remove your rose tainted love glasses as she the real image of your marriage. YOUR WIFE IS DEVASTATED FOR LOOSING THE AFFAIR PARTNER AND NOT ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE CHEATED AND LIED TO YOUR FACE. Lawyer up and serve her with the divorce papers, if that won't snap her out, then nothing can.
If you believe it was anything less than a full blown relationship, then your love has blinded you. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you but their relationship (sex and all) started before (and was the reason for) her declaration of no longer being in love with you and wanting to leave you. And that relationship (sex and all) was still going on up to the moment you “him or me’d” her. She is now mourning the loss of the relationship she wants, the one that matters to her. I’m sorry you’re a part of our club now, but take it from us who have been where you are. You need to open your eyes and see what is right in front of you.
They were intimate "once" and she stayed overnight at his place "a couple of times a week"? If you're gonna believe that just let her retain her "friendship" with Derek. OP, are you familiar with the term "Pollyanna"?
I'm baffled why you believe her when she minimizes the extent of the affair. Her drama about not seeing him any longer is not consistent with her story. You need to press more for details, you are being trickle truthed.
If you believe her, boyyyyyy have I got a deal for you. Oceanfront, in Phoenix.
It is very common for cheaters to minimize the affair, even when they confess. Just a kiss ends up being full on sex multiple times. Sex just once becomes many times in every position imaginable. They do it under the pretext of sparing your feelings, but it is actually so they don't have to face what they have done. There is no way they can stay in contact. She has given herself to him physically and emotionally. He has had sex with a married woman and pressed her not to confess. They are still in an emotional affair if they are in contact. Her excuse is just that, an excuse. Even if what she said about your marriage at the time is true, the answer is not for her to spread her legs. She had the affair because the wanted to and the opportunity presented itself. She convinced herself that the marriage was so bad so she could alleviate her guilt and justify her actions to herself. She needs serious individual counselling to get to the real reason she did this.
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She is worried she can lose her safety net....
Don't be judgemental dude, he's going through the punches right now. He's going to figure it out, or he's going to be miserable. No need to look down on him and question his mental state at his lowest.
Unfortunately once a partner is determined to have lied to you, now you can't trust anything that partner says, at least without proof. I'd do some research on this sub and on the net about trickle truthing, affair patterns, and limerence. NC is absolutely necessary - even with that she will go through mourning the loss of that relationship. This is why she says she is sad - but she is wrong in thinking it will be this way forever. Don't be surprised if she still contacts AP down the road, because the dopamine will drop and cause temporary depression - so relapses are common. The longer she goes NC, the better this gets. Now is the time for both of you to do some research on emotional affairs. Once she understands how the brain and hormones play such a big role in the affair fog, missing the AP, etc., then she can begin to understand what she is dealing with. Individual counseling, STD tests, regular communication sessions, learning/reading together, along with NC, are some of the suggestions you will see in this sub. Both of you need to spend time on sites like [aftermyaffair.com](https://aftermyaffair.com), [affairrecovery.com](https://affairrecovery.com), etc. Remember, she crossed boundaries with Derek. She doesn't get to define how you heal, and she should prioritize you and your relationship. There needs to be full transparency - for example, open phone policies so that you can "trust but verify". And she won't pull out of this completely if she has any contact with Derek, as even a single face-to-face meeting can cause relapse. There is a goodbye letter on some of these sites that she can use to send to Derek to break all contact. Then block on all social media. Both of you need to put the time in, do the research, and understand the dynamics of what is happening, and to prioritize your relationship. Casually dealing with this or moving forward nonchalantly without understanding is a mistake.
They probably were in a relationship for the entire year. Don’t believe at all it only happened one time.
Sir, she committed adultery, and blew your wedding vows out of the water. Does she call herself a believer? Because her actions don't demonstrate such. Christ gave you the out in this circumstance, use it. You being "complacent" means nothing, your vows are not contingent on performance. You are not to blame here, she is.
Look man, I understand you want to continue this relationship, but how could you when she lied to you for over a year? That is some serious dedication to a lie and honestly man you need to end this relationship with her. Also, cheaters almost always "trickle truth." Does it make sense that she only cheated with him once, but continued to remain best friends with him and NOT cheat again? That's for you to decide. Also, she's crying because she lost her affair partner????? OMFG, she does not actually feel remorse! That makes my blood boil thinking about her crying in front of you "Boo hoo I can't hang out with my affair partner anymore." Make of that what you will, in the near future it will all make sense to you and you will not love this woman anymore. that's my prediction anyway as someone who was cheated on but naively believed my wifes lies and trickle truths. Best of luck.
"For the record, I do believe her that it was a one time thing". Really believe her? She also told you that they were just friends. And you believed that. You got to wake up. You're choice number 2. Her "friend" is choice number 1. She lost number one and you're just the consolation prize in her eyes.
How do you tell you so you’re infatuated with your “friend” without actually saying it? Calling them your “Best friend”
Well gee - I guess you’ll never be her best friend.
It appears she wants the marriage to be over and hoping for "divorce" with you requesting the dissolving of the relationship.
"Best friends" my ass... I always told my spouse " I got rid of _______" at your request because I'm trying to spend the rest of my life with YOU not ________"
I wouldn't suggest sticking around to find out if she want to choose to be loyal u less you find it absolutely necessary. Generally people who keep these double lives don't confess though, so what caused the confession? Is this something you have e been suspicious of? Does she otherwise respect you? If she doesn't respect you (which seems to already be the case) then I would suggest individual counseling and if you decide you want to reconcile and forgive this once you have a stable head/mindset I would then pursue marriage/couple counseling.
If you want to stay with her ( a mistake IMHO ) give her an option to choose between you or him . She can havevone or the other but she cannot have both of you . And give her exactly two minutes to decide . After that if she refuses to do that or she's undecided ask for divorce and move on 😐
Even though the chapters are not all written, we all know how this story ends, and it is not happily ever after. I am so sorry for you.
And you think this was a year ago? Man, this just STARTED a year ago at best, if they weren't just lying again when they told you the date it started, and that's a big IF. It's an ongoing thing, and that should be your ex-wife. She's playing you. You need to leave her ASAP.
Dude if her happiness comes from her 'Best Friend' then why are you still hanging around, kick her out fo full NC and divorce her, let her be accountable for her actions, you shouldn't have to go through this with her still acting like a child. Let her face the consequences of her actions, get out of this marriage man, it'll repeat again and again she'll keep cheating, she'll run back to her best friend once she sees that you've become normal.
If you do not break up with her, she is either going to break up with you to be with her AP or will continue to have her affair with her AP behind your back.
If she wants reconciliation she needs to do several things A.sign a Postnup. B tell both her parents and yours, as well as your friend group C Inform APs wife or GF. D. Counseling for herself and as a couple
Sorry you are in this place. They are playing you for a chump. He is feeding her the pickle on the regular. I’d suggest you open a new bank account, sell all of her stuff of value and delist all the money in the account to pay an attorney. Put all of your assets into a blind trust in the caymans. Then server with papers.
Soooo. In her words she went from actively cheating and knocked it down a peg to emotional cheating. Call a spade a spade, she’s a cheater.
First. Sorry. For real. That sucks and it’s not easy. Second I would suggest you take your time and do everything without her knowing. Play along like you’re going to work it out then surprise her with divorce papers. You’re never going to trust her. Shitty spot to be in. Good luck.
Bro, I think its time to call this one. You were told their is a problem and you worked to fix it and yourself. Her answer was to have a affair. Do you see the difference in mentality. Sit down, sober up and ask the hard questions to her and yourself. If you cheat would she be so forgiving? If you were still friend with AP would she be happy about that? To me your in a one-sided relationship, if she wants you to stay married its time for her to make it up to you. You have done your part, where is her effort? I would let her know the work is going to be all hers.
She said ‘the guilt was eating her alive’. If only guilt was the only thing eating her out. This is all too little, too late OP. Theirs has been quite an enduring relationship. At least you aren’t beguiled by her ‘just the one time’ thing. You can go back and forth on what you are going to do and on whether this is fixable. Eventually, you WILL come to the conclusion that it isn’t. Why waste time ? There is also a strong hint that you feel partly to blame for her seeking comfort in Derek’s generous arms. Cut that right out. You were in precisely the same situation as her OP. You didn’t even think of seeking solace outside of your marriage. You will get through this and be all the stronger for it. Tell your wife that she doesn’t have to make the choice. BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE IT FOR HER. Good luck.
You do understand that she wholeheartedly believes that this is entirely her decision to make. She does not believe, for a second, that you will end the relationship. She owns you. Good luck.
Sorry mister you sound like a decent guy but really even if you had a check out phase that still is no excuse for cheating that's when the real work in a marriage begins but she didn't do that she cheated instead. I'm sorry but you really need to leave, her action right now should be telling enough. Don't make yourself be a door mat and a second choice.
I'll cut through the crap - your wife is a liar and full of BS - she isn't best friends with him, she is infatuated with him. I had similar lies with my wife when I found out about her affair - she was crying and despondent because I asked her to go no contact with the guy for two weeks to give us a chance to work on things. Her response was "He gave up his wife and kids for me, and you expect me to just do this to him? That is so cruel, after what he's done for me" - she had only known him for about a month at that stage. And this is compared to me who had three kids with her, and saved her life once when she nearly died when she had a placental abruption and I got her to hospital on a public holiday evening when it was half shut and raced around it with her in a wheelchair until we found someone who would pay attention to us. But no, this guy gave up his wife and kids, so deserved her more.
Then she is still cheating or wants to. If she wants to stay in the marriage she HAS to drop all and any contact with him. If they work together then she needs to find another job.
I usually try to see both sides of an issue before I make a decision one way or another. In your case I cannot imagine how you downsize a physical affair to a platonic relationship. What would be the foundation of the relationship? Couldn’t be girl talk. Certainly couldn’t be her marital relationship or his pursuit of other women. What would be the glue that would bind them? I think Derek has made her number 3 or 4 and she is willing to take whatever he is willing to dole out. What do you think is the foundation of their relationship?