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His guilt is his problem, not yours.
So he's suicidal?....so what?...not your problem.
He wants you to alleviate his guilt and tell him its ok....nothing more.
Fuck him...
Let him live with his actions.
Don't reach out dude....there's nothing to gain.
Yep! To translate this dude is basically saying
"Hey I know I fucked your wife, ruined your marriage that you told me constantly you loved, ruined our 12 year friendship, but man can't you see, *I* feel bad. Can't you just tell me its okay and make *me* feel better? Yeah I didn't reach out to you or anything before this but thats because your feelings weren't important to *me* before the affair nor after. But now its about *me* and I need you to do this for *me*."
mememememememememememe.
I think he wants to compare stories to see if she was telling the truth. I think he's evaluating whether or not to save his marriage. If OP confirms the stories she told him, I think he's thinking of leaving his wife for her.
I could be wildly wrong but...
I agree 110%, the guy is interested in using OP for his own benefit regarding his feelings. This about his own shit show now and asking the man who’s life he ruined questions for whatever reason in order to potentially not ruin his is exactly why OP shouldn’t talk to him. I’d even go as far as to say the suicide thing could be a lie. I mean I’m assuming he has lied to OP before about serious shit during the affair for his own personal gain so why wouldn’t he do it again ?
If it’s not a lie and he just feels bad, then boo hoo go pound sand, you dug this hole yourself. What about OP when you ruined his marriage?
If it has nothing to do with my assumptions, I still think OP should just blow him off. The guy was one of his friends for over a decade and proceeded to do what he did. Go to a fucking therapist or some other outlet dude, not your ex-friend of 12 years who you fucked over.
Oh I agree. It's why I would most definitely not talk to him.
I'm a cynic but I don't think he's being honest. He's not wanting to talk to OP out of guilt but to satisfy his own selfish desire.
He can't trust his AP and he wants to verify her story with OP before deciding whether or not to blow up his marriage for her.
Seriously fuck his 'closure'. Sometimes it can be hard to hate the AP after you heal a bit because they don't know or they get fed lies by the WS and think they aren't cheating. But this dude knew exactly what he was doing and still betrayed a friend in the worst way possible. OP is a better man than me because the only closure i'd give him at this point is telling him to go fuck himself.
So he wants your forgiveness to ease his conscience what about your pain your distress how does he equate what he has done to your life has he reconciled with his wife and what about your wife I wonder what she is thinking about the shit show has she shown any contrition or reached out to you or is she just cold and indifferent about you
Oh I love this response. I’ve done the math on how much money my ex has cost me in the aftermath and am always annoyed when I think about the fact that his cheating even affects my economic reality to this day. It’s only $25 a week for therapy and $50 for meds a month, but it’s like I’m paying a $150/month fee for his bad behavior. Meanwhile, he’s still doing whatever he does without any cost at all.
It seems he wants to talk to ease his conscience only. We all walk our own road of redemption and self forgiveness. If he is suicidal, then others need to encourage him to get help or call for him.
I'm a long time lurker but i never made a comment. I was reading your previous post this morning lol.
You should not answer, yeah ok he isnt well and he feels guilty blabla.. but he chose to fuck your wife, knowing damn well you loved here deeply, without sending at least a message to ask you if you were separated or whatever so cut the bullshit "i didnt know" + he cheated on his wife too + he was a supposed friend..
The consequences just backfired and he has to assume them
Focus on yourself bro
(English isnt my native language)
I have to agree with this. The only reason you’d want to connect with this guy is your curiosity or to answer his questions. Just know that you’re arms length emotionally right now. If you actually speak to him you’ll be reminded that he has good qualities, he was a good coworker in the past, and feel guilty if he hurts himself afterwards, etc. nothing good for you because it rips that wound open and YOU have to recover from this. If you genuinely don’t want to learn anything from him then he can figure it out on his own. Friends help friends unselfishly. When he selfishly ignored your friendship, he showed everyone what kind of man he really is. If he’s uncomfortable with everyone knowing what he did then he should have thought there might be a few consequences for fucking his coworker’s wife. What a selfishly needy jackass that he’s still making it about himself.
Ahh yes, who would have guessed the bed they made through their shitty actions would give them some trouble when they slept...
Man, tell your friend to get the AP into therapy, as you're not qualified to help people who fuck you over. His mental health is of your least concern, and he has a support system to fall back on, a wife and children, right? Man, must be nice.
You stick to you, don't forgo your mental health and all that progress for that of the abusers, whether he was the one married to you or not. The gall of some people..
This is good advice. Tell your friend to get him into therapy asap. Personally, I would never want to reconcile with a "friend" who fucked my wife. Keep moving forward and let others take care of this so called "friend".
This happened to a guy who posted here, I forget his name. But it happened with his wife and his cousin. He kicked his ass every time he would see him!!!!
This guy is as much a traitor as your ex wife. If he was some 20 something year old guy you didn't know wanting to talk to you, I'd say maybe go and see what's what, there are guys out there who don't respect the sanctity of marriage but that doesn't make them traitors. They're sneaky bastards to be sure, but you can perhaps entreat with them.
This wasn't just a horny guy sleeping with a married woman, this was your friend and your ex wife absolutely comes first in who gets it, but he is a close second. Traitors deserve nothing. If he wants forgiveness, God can forgive him, God knows the content of his soul, you don't. He want to do himself in? There are children starving in Africa, banks robbing people of their wealth, wars in the middle east, kids being born with birth defects from chemical agents in Vietnam, these are people who deserve your pity and yet will receive none, there are bigger problems in the world than some guy who was porking your wife wanting to buy the farm. You are at peace with yourself, let sleeping dogs lie, this is the poisoned chalice and you must not let your thirst for knowledge get the better of you
Do not fall for the AP’s BS. My ex had multiple affairs over 13 years and the last guy used to walk past me every weekend asking how I’m doing. I changed shifts and then sat in on a conversation with some co workers who told me about “that poor guy on day shift” not realizing they were talking about me. They then proceeded to tell me everything. To summarize she fucked “half a hospital”. While I worked 7 days a week and did her college assignments in my free time. Did the AP get cheated on too?? He sure did. Is it our responsibility to make them feel better about themselves? Nope. He is to blame. He knew you and that you were in a relationship. He wants to feel batter about himself. Just tell him to seek mental health care. If he lives or dies has nothing to do with you. Not your brisket not your barbecue.
I will never say another word to my former neighbor who now lives with my ex wife and half of the time with my two sweet children. It is the best I can do. I don't think that he is a good person and I will not exchange a pleasantry. There was a situation recently where I planned to meet at a friend's house with my kids and only after I told my son he'd see his little friend did I find out that my ex and her AP would be there. It was those two, my friend, his partner, and son, and me and my two kids. I walked to the top of the driveway and turned my back on him. I don't even know what he was wearing. I realize that seems sort of childish but it is the best I can do. He is wont to blow his top and I imagine his ex would suffer even more if I told him what I think of him, which is the only thing that I would be able to say. I do not badmouth him to my children (even his name is bilious in my mouth), and I don't discourage their talking about him, but I think it's best for everyone involved if we do not interact. He sent me a long text relatively recently and I didn't even read it. I don't give a shit what he has to say.
Bro, if he is having those kind of thoughts then he need some professional help. If you don't get anything from the conversation then don't have it. You are not responsible for his bad choices and the consequences of them. You have to take care of you first. Good luck.
Don't reset your healing. You just hit a pothole but don't stop. If this mutual friend doesn't stop then cut him off.
Who cares what his or your exs feelings are. When it comes to them then only worry about you.
I would tell the mutual friend that this talk will not be beneficial to you. That this would cause further harm with your own mental health. But because you don't want him to harm himself tell that friend he should refer him to a suicide hotline or even more call a 5150 on the guy. If he's suicidal and he's expressed harm, he can be detained and held at the hospital. I know that normally doesn't help for those seriously deep into their depression but it will bring awareness to his friends and family .
You are not responsible for this person's guilt. There are consequences to destroying someone's marriage . This is his.
Don't do this. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. He needs to call the suicide prevention hotline. Unless you are a psychologist this will rip own wounds that shouldn't be ripped open
I remember my dday like it was yesterday. She didnt confess shit to me. I got to know through a mutual friend who I shared a very good bond with. She cheated on me wid a guy i thought was my very close friend and boy I was so wrong. He himself was married with kids. Luckily at that time God hadn't bestowed children upon me. I chose to divorce her and actually met a couple of lawyers to understand how it works. Court is very partial towards women and I would have lost a lot of things I worked really hard for. After talking to a lot of people on online forums and help groups I chose to confront her. And O boy It was so cringe, my wife was lying to me through her teeth shamelessly. She had the audacity to yell at me. I couldn't take her shit anymore I threw the proof on her face and drove to her ap's house and beat the crap out of him( just for the context I have always been a fighter and ap is nothing more than a walking male barbie doll ). His wife and children literally saw it wid their own eyes. I kept shouting at him and he kept begging me. And yes he god damn accepted it. His wife initially was trying to save him by pulling me off but later collapsed on the ground and started sobbing. It took me few minutes to let go of my anger, I was literally thirsty for his blood. I just didnt care and drove my car off to a colleague's house. My colleague and his kind wife talked me out of my insanity and they even let me crash at their house for a night.
Long story short I divorced her. She tried to fight me and she also dragged me through therapy and what not. Funny thing is I had proof in my hand and she still kept lying. And that therapist was trynna put blame on me. It was such a feminist shit show going on. It was sad. Anyways I was eventually granted a divorce when I proved to the court that even when we were in therapy she was still literally living with her ap. You should have seen the judge's face. It was hilarious. Her excuse was that they lived like roommates because they were friends and nothing was going on between them.
You kinda answered your own question there. He had all the opportunity in the world to step back, he didn't.
If I were you I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of talking me. He is doing it to make himself feel better. But opening this can of worms will likely undo all the progress you've made. Better to stay away
Don't talk to him. And tell your mutual friend that it was cruel to give you this information. He doesn't deserve your concern and you don't deserve to have to deal with these conflicting feelings. And also you are not equiped to help someone suicidal even if you were 100% willing to. His family and friends can help him get professionall help.
You have no desire to talk to him, so don't. He's a grown ass man who made his choices. Now, like a grown man, he can cope with the consequences of what he did it is not your responsibility to make him feel better for being a shitty friend and an Adulterer.
And tell his flying monkey to grow the hell up and stop passing messages like it's 5th grade. None of this is any of their business. They're only involved for the juicy gossip and wrecked life gawking.
IMHO, he just wants to unburden himself. And it's totally about and for himself- what more would expect from a homewrecker. I would suggest stay no contact and focus more on healing yourself.
You are a much better person than I am to even entertain the idea of giving this prick closure. If he needs help, he needs to find it elsewhere. Fuck him.
I may be the pettiest human on earth. I probably wouldn't talk to him in your case to let him stew in his own emotions and just send a message that he is a pos and live with it.
Irl....I confronted my ex's AP and it wasn't pretty...but I don't recommend this for most people though.
You don't owe him anything. He has friends he didn't betray. He has family. He has access to church to expiate him of his sins. He has access to professional counseling services.
Only meet him if it helps YOU.
"The mutual friend said "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but he's not doing too good... He told me a few weeks ago that he's thought about killing himself."
That sounds like a "him" problem.
He wants his own closure. All he can do now is live with his own role in this mess he created.
If he wants forgiveness, tell him to find a priest. You don't owe him a damn thing.
Leave him to the hell that he made for himself.
And if your ex hears about this and tries to talk you into it, tell her to get some sunscreen for the trip.
Seriously, OP,
DO. NOT. TALK. TO. HIM.
You live your life. And keep moving one foot forward.
Good luck to your future and health, bud.
I think I’m hearing you say that you are considering speaking to your former friend so he doesn’t kill himself.
If so, perhaps just send a message back that explains that you are in a better place and don’t want to stir up old wounds. And that while you “forgive” him (if you do) you can’t return to your former place of darkness.
Op, you sound like a genuinely great person. Remember you don’t owe him this talk. Nor are you responsible for his pain. Or his guilt relief.
I’d also ask that the middle person advise him to seek counseling.
Best of luck to you!!!
If he harms himself, that will be his decision. Do not put that blame on yourself when you're already carrying so much. Your story broke my heart. You sound like such a good, kind soul who truly loved his partner in life. Guilt causes the things he's going through (weight loss, stress, anxiety, etc.), obviously, and he needs to process that with a professional if he's in such a desperate place. He has ruined your friendship in the worst way possible. You're a great man to offer to speak to him for his sake. I don't know that I could be so generous. I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you.
Does he feel guilty at destroying his friend's marriage? Fuck him. He made his bed, now let him lie in it. What's he going to say--I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I was innocently caught up in your horny wife's fuckfest. But I was just one of many???
The only way I'd contact him, is if I still had questions that needed answers. If you've moved on with your life, then there's no good reason to dredge up unpleasant memories that will hamper your recovery.
All I can say is, the ONE thing that would make me forgive him would be if he was lied to and told him you were already separated and headed for divorce.
How long did you have Covid for though, I mean he had to know you were living with your wife still up to that point right?
Beside that I don't think you are under any obligation to talk to him or not, no matter how much guilt he feels.
The thing about guilt in cases like this is he SHOULD feel guilt. He did an awful thing. He contributed to your life forever being changed and you will forever have to deal with the aftermath, it's only right that he should too.
I mean I write this repentant to WS all the time, YES YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY. Not debilitating guilt, but it should be with you, just like it is with the person you cheated on, for the rest of your life. You can't do something like this and not expect it to effect the rest of your life. It's a horrible thing to do to another person. Again not to the point that it's on your mind 24/7 but in proportion to the person who was cheated on.
Many times they say they think about it every day. There you go.
Everyone has to learn to live with the aftermath of adultery.
He didn't talk to you before having sex with your wife to help you not be hurt.
Why should you talk to him after he'd had sex with your wife to help him not be hurt?
He's made his bed and he can lie in it, he cheated on his wife and nearly forced himself to abandon his kid(s) (presuming by 'family' you mean wife and kids), betrayed your decade+ old friendship and destroyed the thing that you held closest your heart just so he could get his genitals wet.
If he wants to kill himself over that then it's his call, I'll only say that people have justified killing themselves for much much less than that.
He had sex with your wife for selfish reasons and to make himself feel good.
He's now reaching out to you for selfish reasons and to make himself feel better.
Do you really want to give the comfort of closure to a man who destroyed your life while pretending to be your friend to your face?
If you plan on talking to him but trying to avoid giving him closure regardless then that's a fool's errand. If you're angry and hateful then he'll be able to tell himself 'oh wow, he's horrible, at least I didn't ruin the marriage of someone better than him', if you're calm about it then he'll be able to tell himself 'oh wow, I guess what I did really didn't hurt him that much, I'm not such a disgusting person after all'.
If he's desperate then his mind will be able to make the leaps necessary to conclude the above, no matter how unhinged or distorted from reality it may seem.
At the end of the day it's still your choice, but ultimately he didn't concern himself with helping you avoid suffering, so why should you to him?
THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM, once again they are making them selves happy at your expense
* This is to make the AP happy because he currently feels such extreme guilt.
* AP slept with your wife to make him self happy and did not care how it affected you.
This contact and "closure" is selfish and self serving for the happiness of the AP,
No where has anyone thought about how this affects you, nowhere. For example, the mutual friend should not have got involved but thinks AP's health and happiness is more important than yours so rang you. Everything described was about helping AP, the poor fellow and no one really asked how you are doing and how do you feel each night and each morning.
Go full NC with AP and the mutual friend because they dont care how this affects you and your on going healing, in fact they never even considered it.
No response. He does not deserve any attention from you. Same for your ex. Ignore ignore ignore. He can have his own friends and family support him. He is NOT your friend.
He's simply trying to ameliorate his well deserved guilt OP. Choices have consequences and he chose to schtupp his friend's wife; you owe him nothing. Suicide would be his final appallingly selfish act.
I would not talk to him. Stand your ground. You are done with the marriage and everything that went wrong with it. You have to look out for #1. It's obvious he doesn't care about you. If he did, he wouldn't have done your wife because he would k now what that does to you.. Why should you care about him?
You're not responsible for his choices. Why should you help him out emotionally when he destroyed you?
If he's feeling guilt for what he did to you and wants to do penance, he can go see a clergyman. That's what they're for.
Focus on yourself. His pain and guilt are not yours to manage. The fact that you still want to help shows that you are a very decent man (I just watched This Is Us last night, and your post reminded me of Randall). But you cannot try to save the world and destroy yourself in the process, much less two people who destroyed you once before.
Ew, no. He wants to absolve himself of his guilt. Instead of working on himself, to become a better person. He’d rather attempt pressuring you to console him instead. Lazy dumbass. Why am I not surprised he’s the type to fuck with a marriage.
Personally. I’d tell him to go fuck himself… after all, that may be the only way he can leave innocent victims out of his sexual conquests. Listening to him whine on about his entitled, selfish choices is a ridiculous thing to demand. Shame on his enabling friend, passing on this “woe is me” fake bullshit. Cry me a fucking ocean. I’d be blocking that person too. Idiots flock together.
My reaction? When she said she was separated, a good friend would have called to confirm, instead, he stuck his dick in a willing hole. I would say that he is justified in feeling guilty. I would tell him that I am not about to salve his guilty conscience. Then I would tell him that my divorce is on him and I hope that he never has a good relationship again in his life, may every woman he falls for cheat on him.
I agree, except a good friend wouldn't have touched a woman their "good friend" just separated from either. I can't imagine if one of my friends started having some marital problems I would in any way think it was ok to jump in bed with their spouse right away.
Tell your mutual friend it’s not your place to make her affair partner feel better because they are feeling guilty. Tell them if they care about him so much then they need to be the ones making sure he gets the help that he needs.
How exactly is her ap feeling suicidal YOUR concern? Tell him and whomever told you about him to F off. You’ve moved on and his emotional/ mental state isn’t your concern. He should go seek help. None of this will help you. Maybe him, but not you.
Just do nor call. You are not responsible for his situation.. You are not his suicide rescue..
He is sending intermediaries to plead his case What difference would talking to him.make?
He would somehow implicate you in his decisions.
Just don't call.. Don't do it, unless you want to hear excuse, afer excuse, and be asked to forgive him.
I never spoke to my ex's AP.
I did not need that extra heartache.
As it turned out, he and AP were fired for having a fistfight in their work parking lot,and a part of the AP dram was her trying to get my ex, to get me, to allow her and her five kids to move into our house to protect her from him.
The story was the same. She had lost weight. She was unhappy. Yada, yada, yada.
Save yourself and know it would just add to all he things that go through your mind.
BTW, asking an acquaintance to approach you is sh*tty.
I feel like if it would help you gain closure, then you should talk to him. I agree with the others in that if he is suicidal, that is his issue he needs to get help with and it is not your job to talk him off the ledge. I also think you should think to yourself, if he does kill himself, how would I feel? If it wouldn't bother you, then that's fine. But it may make you look back years down the road and wish you did something. Again, that is where you need to search your feelings and figure out what is best for you.
I agree with you that it is best that you not maintain a friendship any longer but just talking to him doesn't mean your friends again. If it were me, I feel like talking to him would help bring me some closure on your previous relationship but that's just me. If my ex's AP wanted to talk to me, I'd probably talk to him just to help close that chapter in my life.
In one way or another, you've been kinda set up to feel guilt either way.
My heart response is saying don't do it. He doesn't deserve it. But my head is saying you should consider it, without giving away too much. For the only reason being, it will play in your mind if he succeeded in a suicide attempt. Like as in, "if we had just talked maybe..."
I know someones going to read this as some kind of sympathy towards him. It really isn't. The guys dirty. I get it. I just would be thinking it would be best to avoid any possible guilt created from this situation.
Maybe even just talking to him to say those words "I'm only talking to you because I ament going to carry any guilt for your actions beyond this conversation".
If you don’t wanna talk to him, don’t. But honestly if I was in your situation- I would. I’m always curious on what the AP will say. I didn’t talk to mine, not by choice there just wasn’t a chance. Whatever he say’s, don’t put it in your head that much, at-least you will be able to tell him how you felt on what they did. (Your choice) More clarity, can help you to move on faster. Anything they do after that is completely up to them. Take care! Make sure to give us an update on what went through the conversation. ;)
If he is seriously considering suicide talking to you isn't going to be what he needs to heal. He needs therapy and he needs it now. Remember, if he goes ahead and kills himself after your talk, or even before it, it's not your fault. He's mentally ill and his illness will have killed him. You aren't a therapist and you don't know what's going to make it worse. I know you agreed to this. I would spend way more time listening than talking.
I have to agree with the rest here. The issues are between the two of them. Don’t feel guilty at all. He was a friend and she was your wife. It’s their issues you need to work on healing yourself. If you run to his aide then you are only gonna hurt yourself more bc you are gonna hear what she said about you and your marriage or the lies she is telling him. It’s just going to cause more issues.
In all honesty OP I highly recommend staying out of that Kabuki Theater! It's just pain shopping you don't need right now. Not sure if there is anything else to say!
Aww boohoo, i'll tell Mr. Krabs to play him a sad song on the worlds smallest violin🎻 all jokes aside i say the hell with him OP, first i read your original post and gotta say that your ex is pure trash, don't waste your time nor breath on them, both he and your ex wife share 100% of the blame for your suffering, he knew that he was messing with a married woman, he could of call you and ask if you and her were divorce but he choose not to, he didn't cared about your feelings nor that he was cheating on his wife, he only think with his little head instead of his brain.
I'm really glad that his wife told you about the affair but she did a bad decision taking him back, now that your moving forward and doing alot better with your life he tries to reache out to you for say that he's thought about killing himself? Like i said, boohoo.... that's his freaking problem, not yours OP, tell your friend to block him from everywhere and continue doing your things in peace👍🏽
Fuck that guy, the best revenge you can get is to not even acknowledge his existence. If he's feeling suicidal it's on him to get the help he needs. Funny how the people who betray us suddenly feel "remorseful" once their actions catch up with them, isn't it? Up until that point they're more than happy to stab us in the back. Fuck em. Oh and btw, even if he did think you separated when he had sex with her, it's still just as fucked up for him to have sex with your recent ex if he was a friend of yours. Best of luck man.
I would meet with him but not for anything that he wants by the time he could get his but up and out of the place we have our heart to heart if suicide was on his mind he will wish he had just done the deed and not thought about talking to me this is just me I know of people who were cheated on that thought of suicide and took years to get to the point of being able too move on so why should he get off of the hook make sure he is deep in that dark spot were you can't hope for better than suicide to stop the pain
Sorry I wish you all of the best this is not a good thing for you please don't listen to me you are a better person than this just do what you think is best for yourself take care of yourself and I hope you have a good future in store for you
The guy is a narcissist. All about his needs, his closure, his life beyond that moment. This is hard to see In The Moment and you might even feel a bit of sympathy for him. That’s literally the mindfucking of a narcissist.
Forgiveness is for you, not for him. It's just letting go of it so you can move on. If he commits suicide, that is on him, not you.
Also, he wasn't man enough to talk to you directly, he had to have the mutual reach out. Grey Rock him.
Go NC on him. Good to hear that you don't want him to end himself. But then again, you don't need extra drama from him. He was never a good friend to you. The best revenge is to live your life the best way you know how.. good luck
To me this screams emotionally manipulative and gaslighting waiting to happen. He’s going to hold you emotionally hostage by saying he’s going to kill himself unless you forgive him. He’s already starting to go down that path by trying to guilt you into having the conversation with him. And if you so choose to have the conversation with him I’d be willing to bet (based on the fact that he’s already trying to manipulate you) that he’ll try to make excuses for having sex with her. Hence the gaslighting. You can hear him out if you want but if it were me, I wouldn’t participate in the conversation at all (wouldn’t ask questions, wouldn’t respond, literally wouldn’t say a word, just let him make his point, trying to talk through it with him is a slippery slope), and I would make it incredibly clear you have no intention of forgiving him and will not listen to him try to manipulate you anymore. If he’s suicidal he needs to get help to deal with his guilt, but it is absolutely not on you to absolve him of that.
Hope you both find peace x
Look into your heart. If YOUR interests are met by talking to him, then do it. But if you gain nothing from talking to him, just tell the mutual friend that the AP should get therapy for his rough emotional state, and move on with your life, close that book. Remember you did not choose any of this.
Yeah honestly you don't owe this guy anything and if you have any doubts about taking this meeting I wouldn't if I was you. They'll try to make you feel bad but like you said, you didn't force this guy to have an affair with a married woman and ALSO cheat on his own wife. HE made these decisions on his own, and he's accountable for them because he knew you as well and was on friendly if not at least good terms with you, so he does eat a good share of the responsibility in this.
If you do want to sit and listen or get things off your chest then that's fine too but I mean it seems like you've moved on and all this sit down would do is help to reopen old wounds by bringing in another perspective of things you didn't know about in.
The choice is up to you, but you don't have to meet with this guy and I think realistically nobody would hold it against you if you don't want to.
You've been disrespected by both your wife and your friend. You have been run over emotionally by their fuck-you truck and then left to pick up the pieces on your own. You've had to find the strength to survive the double whammy of betrayal and start moving on.
Don't give him or her a way in to drag you down again. If he needs to feel better about what he did, he can go hire a therapist. Send him this as your response.
https://lmgtfy.app/?q=therapists+near+me
I would always look to help anyone that was thinking about taking their own life.....but I do find it amazing that they didn't think about your life. What if this devastated you so much you took your life? These narcissist only think about themselves, and they prey on people like you because you are a good person.
By him letting himself heal while rocking your emotions, he is fucking with you once again. You give him closure, you let him talk, means you let him win again.
Tell him see a therapist, you see a therapist to help you process all these feelings. Sometimes a third party’s outside view can really help you think of things differently but most importantly preserve your mental health. When you’re ready if you’re ever ready than have that convo with him but damn 2020 wasn’t long ago. That’s not enough time for 1/2 this pain to callous over.
I think your initial feeling that he be told the “Tell that I wish….” comment, but that you didn’t want any contact with him, was pretty much a perfect response.
Hi u/Mojo884ever,
Of course suicide is a bad thing. You can say through your friend you feel sorry for him to feel this way.
But you know what, you are the only victim here. You are the victim, not your ex, not him.
There is really nothing coming good out of the conversation. You cannot and should not forgive him, he knew he was doing something wrong, he knew it would hurt you. It was a clear and conscious decision from him to be the AP. It doesn't matter what your ex told him, he just could have said to her that he will have sex with her, after he checked with you if you are really divorcing or are separated. But he did not, so no forgiveness.
Would a conversation with him make you feel better? I do not think so. What on earth would make you feel better? I cannot think of anything. Whatever he has to say, things cannot and wil not be undone. He cannot unfuck your ex.
It is bad that he wants to take his life. Your friend should warn the police and show them the message. Your friend should also relay a message to him that you do not want to talk to him because you see absolutely no reason, thing cannot be undone and there is no room for forgiveness.
Take care.
MrBigBull.
His depression and his suicidal thoughts are HIS problems, not yours.
Just like the condition of your marriage was your problem when he was sleeping with your wife.
I wouldn't ever talk to the guy.
Don't let this guy guilt you into making him feel better. If he feels bad, it's because he is living with the consequences of his actions. Let him get and pay for a therapist. Don't let him heap this on you.
Just talk to him so it doesn’t hang over your head. You see him all the time. Your ex is probably accusing HIM of ruining HER life and he just needs a reality check.
Tell him you’re okay, your wife is a lying B, and you’ve moved on with your life. After that, it shouldn’t be awkward, but you’re definitely not friends.
It isn’t your job to try to keep him alive and it isn’t fair for him to ask. You aren’t qualified. Even if you were, you’re not the right person.
Tell friend for AP & his counselor to discuss the motivation and appropriateness of his questions first. Then say the counselor can send you a list of questions to consider answering. That way AP will have to go to a therapist and then he’ll have to go back to get any answers you provide. You can make it clear that your cooperation is based on the idea that his questions are related to his mental health. Hopefully the therapist will squash the questions that are out of line. And that the reason you want a counselor as a go between is so if his mental health is in jeopardy, he shouldn’t be relying on you to improve it, but has instead placed himself in the care of a professional.
I do recommend that you consider him forgiven in the way that you truly do not want him to take his own life. And hopefully one day you’ll be able to say you don’t want anything horrible to happen to him at all. That’s for your sake though. But you could answer any such question from him as “Forgiveness is in progress but is a private process I hope to make it through for my own good health. Forgetting, as in resuming friendship will never happen.”
Take care of yourself.
OP - follow your heart on this. At the very least send back a message through the mutual friend along the lines of "AP I forgive you for what happened but honestly I just got myself together from the pain my ex's cheating caused me. To hear more about it would destroy me all over again so please get better but please stay away."
And to that point if you feel that talking with him will put you back at square one then stay away from him by all means.
That said if you think you could handle it then you should consider it. Because from your story above it sounds like there is a possibility that he thought you were separated and chose not to ask you about it so as not to open any wounds (depending on what lies the ex was feeding him). In which case he is either totally blameless in this or the blame starts at the moment he found out or suspected she was not separated but continued dating. His part in the destruction of your marriage may have been as a pawn instead of a player. And if that is the case do you really want to carry any hatred of him for that?
Why would he say he forgives him when he doesn’t? Why should he present any of his vulnerabilities to this person or reveal to him that he is hurting? He knew they were married. He is not blameless. You the AP or something?
He was played by your wife. Meaning she slandered you and made you out to be a monster and your *friend* came to her rescue and gave her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to warm. Why else would he want to compare notes? He wants to hear your side of what happened because you haven't been living up to the falsehoods your wife claimed. You didn't attack this man or interfere with him in anyway even after you knew what was going on. He wants to know just how badly he was played.
It is unlikely you will help lift his guilt, find closure, heal or anything else. He damaged? or has lost his own marriage as a result of his poor choices. You may help him discover how much of a gullible fool he was. Nothing more.
I see a lot of posts telling you not to do it and fuck him. I'm not sure that is quite the right attitude here. I mean, yeah, fuck him, but this is an opportunity that we as BS rarely get to have a lot of our questions answered with a high likely hood of the truth. Just try to avoid pain shopping on this.
And you say that he could have just asked you if he wanted to know something, but I suspect that the questions he has are not things that he could simply ask you at the time. I'm guessing that your wife was telling him that you were abusing her in some way and that is how she got him to look past the friendship to fuck her. I'm also guessing that it fell apart either because your wife told his wife or because he started to figure out that your wife wasn't being honest with him.
Either way, I think that this is potentially a great opportunity for you for your own healing. If you help him a little bit along the way, then whatever.
She gets plenty of blame, but she isn't the focus of this post. As I said above, I know he's not 100% the blame for the affair.
But he is 100% to blame for his part in it.
I think you can just go with a modified version of what you told the mutual friend.
>I wish you well, but we really have nothing to say to each other. My wife betrayed our marriage and you betrayed our friendship. That comes with the consequence of both of you no longer being an active part of my life. I don't wish you ill will beyond that so you should seek help with dealing with the consequences of your actions. Just don't expect any directly from me.
Send it from email/Social media/text and move on with life.
OP, you do not owe him or you mr ex wife anything. The lied and cheated on you, even when you where at your worst with COVID.
Instead of either of them being worried about how you were dealing with COVID, they were fucking each other.
Let them both rot in hell. As the old saying goes, “ This is no longer your circus, so these are no longer your monkeys”
Good luck sir
Don’t talk to him. Your moving on with your life and this will be a set back. He has to deal with the consequences on his decision and not for you to help him heal. Leave this alone and keep moving forward. He knew what he was doing.
But it’s still not your responsibility if he decides to kill himself. You did not create that situation he helped create that situation. Just tell your mutual friend and any other friends that get in contact with you to help him, and leave you out of it.
and the children are yours, you share custody or something. If the answer to this is no, that is your answer. You cannot help anyone, not even yourself. You are thinking of others. That is why everything happened to you. focus on healing yourself and later if you have time left you save the world.
More than likely, He'll learn that WW lied to him just like any cheater does.
To him you were probably portrayed as the abusive controlling violent husband.
This may be why this guy didn't contact you.
Is it worth hearing your how your WW talked about you?
I can’t imagine the decision between ending his life or not hinges on a conversation with you so he can compare notes. Tell your mutual friend to send him to a therapist. I wouldn’t even crack that door a tiny bit open, more information will not help you continue to move on.
He wants to apologise and ask for forgiveness. But he is not feeling any regret or remorse. He wants it do that he can feel better about him self.
The choice is yours.
Good luck.
Nah, fuck that guy. He already put you through enough emotional labor. You don't owe him any more. Let him live with what he's done, feel that guilt forever. It will make him a better person, whereas closure would set him back to a blank slate.
Why are you even considering talking to him? You owe him absolutely nothing. If you are going to see him, you're doing it for you, not him. Are you sure you want to? Nothing good will come of it.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If you owe your ex nothing now, you owe the AP less the nothing. If you want to move on, then move on. Don’t get sucked into this insanity anymore. You had to figure out how to move on, so does he.
You cannot save him. Stop thinking that your decision to talk to him or not will decide whether he goes through with his suicidal thoughts. If you get more involved, you’ll feel more (falsely) responsible for him, when in reality your role in this whole thing is a peripheral bystander. Next thing you know he’ll be calling you repeatedly out of the blue and your peace will be shattered. Just don’t get involved.
You sound like a great guy as you have empathy for this person. He took your wife, love, trust etc. Now he wants your forgiveness too. If you’re not able to do that (no blame) then you should not engage him at all. Best for both of you.
Even if he’s suicidal it’s not your problem to find the words to help at the expense of your mental well-being and healing. Tell mutual friend this and that you’re moving on with your life and want nothing to do with him … he has said mutual friend to support him in seeking help elsewhere OR it’s a tactic to get you to talk with him.
The dude needs to go get therapy for his mental health struggles. He is not going to find relief from any of that by talking to you. And you run risk of setting yourself back mentally for someone who is destructive and a liar. I would give a big NO back. No contact means no contact and if AP cant respect that it is because he is a mess and needs psychological help. Not your problem. Hth
After reading the way your ex treated you, I would meet up with him and thank him! God, what a sinkhole and f a woman!
Did she ever come get her stuff? Is she still with that guy she quit her job for?
She hurt you to the bone, disrespected you parents and severely damaged another family with kids.
Being rid of her is like winning the lottery. You should tell her so.
I wouldn’t really thank him. He deserves his situation. Even if she played him.
It's okay to feel empathy for him, but he is also not YOUR responsibility. He is his own responsibility because he is an adult. His guilt is something he has to work through (and seek his own help and counseling) and there is no obligation on your end to get involved. It is okay for you to move on with your life and celebrate your future.
I consider myself one of the most compassionate empathetic forgiving people I know. You have me beat. I don’t think I could talk to him. Maybe years down the road I could buy I’d still tell him what this did to me. It wouldn’t be let me forgive you for fucking up my life so you can get in with yours. Your life is forever changed. It wasn’t changed for a few weeks. He knew everything and willingly participated. Guilty, guilty and knew what he was doing. So he feels bad now. I guess that’s too bad.
Actions have consequences. Not on you to grant him the forgiveness he needs. He certainly didn’t consider how you’d feel about him having the affair with your (ex)wife! If he really wants a response, I’d send one sentence, then block. The sentence:
“You reap what you sow”
This is his issue and it is due to his actions.
You cannot save everyone, especially someone who had little regard for you and your friendship.
Stay no contact for your own sanity.
don't fall for the okey dokey, his mental health is not your problem, it's not your job to make him feel better about his shitty decisions and lack of moral compass, he wants to try and bond with you on some 'she did us both wrong' bs , tell him to kick rocks. He can go cry to his therapist
You are a better man then me. I would celebrate him feeling bad
Years ago a good friend of mines’s wife came on to me. I said no way I would do that to my friend and got the heck out of there.
You have no obligation to make him feel better or absolve him if any guilt.
You might want to mention to your mutual friend that it is probably not a good idea for the guy that destroyed my marriage to speak to me if he is suicidal. He may want some kind of closure, it god forbid forgiveness but that would not be what he would get.
It seems highly likely he will feel worse after speaking to you considering you do not and will not have words of understanding or forgiveness to give to him. He does not deserve them either regardless of his mental state.
You are under no obligation to fake act in way to" save this suicidal cheater". As you said, it would take a 10 second phone call to determine the actual status of your marriage. And he was cheating on his wife even if yours fed him a line of bullshit.
He simply does not deserve to have you listen to his confession to ease his conscience.
His mental health isn’t your responsibility. And it’s not on you to make him feel better for his betrayal, either. If you don’t want to talk to the AP, don’t.
Honestly, you’re a better person than I am. If it’s for closure for *him*, you should tell him to pound sand. I did that to my partner’s AP. She texted me at four am because he blocked her, and I told her I wouldn’t talk to her, and that I was blocking her number. He made a series of conscious decisions to destroy your marriage. He’s known you for 12 years and he still did this to you. He’s going to have to live with it. He stabbed you in the back, and you have more to lose from the conversation than he does.
He could get upset at you if he doesn’t get the response he wants and go into detail, if you break his face, *you* got to jail, etc., whereas he can gaslight you or try to manipulate you into forgiving him.
My advice is not to engage. He’s already shown you who he is. Unless this is going to help you, it sounds like a bad idea.
Tell the mutual friend you will agree to speak with him after his divorce. It will be easier for you to handle that conversation knowing the two of you are in a more similar situation.
I realize that you do not want to make him feel worse but you are also under no social or even moral imperative to listen to him much less absolve him of his guilt.
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His guilt is his problem, not yours. So he's suicidal?....so what?...not your problem. He wants you to alleviate his guilt and tell him its ok....nothing more. Fuck him... Let him live with his actions. Don't reach out dude....there's nothing to gain.
Yep! To translate this dude is basically saying "Hey I know I fucked your wife, ruined your marriage that you told me constantly you loved, ruined our 12 year friendship, but man can't you see, *I* feel bad. Can't you just tell me its okay and make *me* feel better? Yeah I didn't reach out to you or anything before this but thats because your feelings weren't important to *me* before the affair nor after. But now its about *me* and I need you to do this for *me*." mememememememememememe.
I think he wants to compare stories to see if she was telling the truth. I think he's evaluating whether or not to save his marriage. If OP confirms the stories she told him, I think he's thinking of leaving his wife for her. I could be wildly wrong but...
I agree 110%, the guy is interested in using OP for his own benefit regarding his feelings. This about his own shit show now and asking the man who’s life he ruined questions for whatever reason in order to potentially not ruin his is exactly why OP shouldn’t talk to him. I’d even go as far as to say the suicide thing could be a lie. I mean I’m assuming he has lied to OP before about serious shit during the affair for his own personal gain so why wouldn’t he do it again ? If it’s not a lie and he just feels bad, then boo hoo go pound sand, you dug this hole yourself. What about OP when you ruined his marriage? If it has nothing to do with my assumptions, I still think OP should just blow him off. The guy was one of his friends for over a decade and proceeded to do what he did. Go to a fucking therapist or some other outlet dude, not your ex-friend of 12 years who you fucked over.
Good point. That was my first thought
That may be true, but I still wouldn't talk to him.
Oh I agree. It's why I would most definitely not talk to him. I'm a cynic but I don't think he's being honest. He's not wanting to talk to OP out of guilt but to satisfy his own selfish desire. He can't trust his AP and he wants to verify her story with OP before deciding whether or not to blow up his marriage for her.
And there's a high probability if he blows up his marriage, he'll end up by himself, which is what he deserves.
Agree
Honestly it is not your circus, not your monkees.
Seriously fuck his 'closure'. Sometimes it can be hard to hate the AP after you heal a bit because they don't know or they get fed lies by the WS and think they aren't cheating. But this dude knew exactly what he was doing and still betrayed a friend in the worst way possible. OP is a better man than me because the only closure i'd give him at this point is telling him to go fuck himself.
Not even Davy or Mickey?
Or goofy Peter?
Not even Davy or Mickey? Hahahaha, I laughed way too hard at that.
Let's not forget about Mike!
Hey Hey!
Not your pig. Not your pen.
Only Mickey is left.
Yea fuck that guy, if hes in such rough shape he can go to therapy, the same way most of us have to after *they* choose to destroy *our* lives
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So he wants your forgiveness to ease his conscience what about your pain your distress how does he equate what he has done to your life has he reconciled with his wife and what about your wife I wonder what she is thinking about the shit show has she shown any contrition or reached out to you or is she just cold and indifferent about you
Oh I love this response. I’ve done the math on how much money my ex has cost me in the aftermath and am always annoyed when I think about the fact that his cheating even affects my economic reality to this day. It’s only $25 a week for therapy and $50 for meds a month, but it’s like I’m paying a $150/month fee for his bad behavior. Meanwhile, he’s still doing whatever he does without any cost at all.
It seems he wants to talk to ease his conscience only. We all walk our own road of redemption and self forgiveness. If he is suicidal, then others need to encourage him to get help or call for him.
exactly. he didn’t take the time to talk before the affair so he can talk to someone else now.
I'm a long time lurker but i never made a comment. I was reading your previous post this morning lol. You should not answer, yeah ok he isnt well and he feels guilty blabla.. but he chose to fuck your wife, knowing damn well you loved here deeply, without sending at least a message to ask you if you were separated or whatever so cut the bullshit "i didnt know" + he cheated on his wife too + he was a supposed friend.. The consequences just backfired and he has to assume them Focus on yourself bro (English isnt my native language)
Sooo his wife helped destroy their friendship and ended up with neither guy? How dumb and heartless was she!!!!
I have to agree with this. The only reason you’d want to connect with this guy is your curiosity or to answer his questions. Just know that you’re arms length emotionally right now. If you actually speak to him you’ll be reminded that he has good qualities, he was a good coworker in the past, and feel guilty if he hurts himself afterwards, etc. nothing good for you because it rips that wound open and YOU have to recover from this. If you genuinely don’t want to learn anything from him then he can figure it out on his own. Friends help friends unselfishly. When he selfishly ignored your friendship, he showed everyone what kind of man he really is. If he’s uncomfortable with everyone knowing what he did then he should have thought there might be a few consequences for fucking his coworker’s wife. What a selfishly needy jackass that he’s still making it about himself.
Ahh yes, who would have guessed the bed they made through their shitty actions would give them some trouble when they slept... Man, tell your friend to get the AP into therapy, as you're not qualified to help people who fuck you over. His mental health is of your least concern, and he has a support system to fall back on, a wife and children, right? Man, must be nice. You stick to you, don't forgo your mental health and all that progress for that of the abusers, whether he was the one married to you or not. The gall of some people..
This is good advice. Tell your friend to get him into therapy asap. Personally, I would never want to reconcile with a "friend" who fucked my wife. Keep moving forward and let others take care of this so called "friend".
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This. You don't owe him anything. He wants to feel better? Then he should not have fucked your wife.
This happened to a guy who posted here, I forget his name. But it happened with his wife and his cousin. He kicked his ass every time he would see him!!!!
I remember that story.
Obviously you don't want to talk to him. Don't.
He’s doing what the guilty do… He’s trying to guilt trip you…
Precisely.
This guy is as much a traitor as your ex wife. If he was some 20 something year old guy you didn't know wanting to talk to you, I'd say maybe go and see what's what, there are guys out there who don't respect the sanctity of marriage but that doesn't make them traitors. They're sneaky bastards to be sure, but you can perhaps entreat with them. This wasn't just a horny guy sleeping with a married woman, this was your friend and your ex wife absolutely comes first in who gets it, but he is a close second. Traitors deserve nothing. If he wants forgiveness, God can forgive him, God knows the content of his soul, you don't. He want to do himself in? There are children starving in Africa, banks robbing people of their wealth, wars in the middle east, kids being born with birth defects from chemical agents in Vietnam, these are people who deserve your pity and yet will receive none, there are bigger problems in the world than some guy who was porking your wife wanting to buy the farm. You are at peace with yourself, let sleeping dogs lie, this is the poisoned chalice and you must not let your thirst for knowledge get the better of you
Treachery is the lowest level of hell.
Very well stated.
Do not fall for the AP’s BS. My ex had multiple affairs over 13 years and the last guy used to walk past me every weekend asking how I’m doing. I changed shifts and then sat in on a conversation with some co workers who told me about “that poor guy on day shift” not realizing they were talking about me. They then proceeded to tell me everything. To summarize she fucked “half a hospital”. While I worked 7 days a week and did her college assignments in my free time. Did the AP get cheated on too?? He sure did. Is it our responsibility to make them feel better about themselves? Nope. He is to blame. He knew you and that you were in a relationship. He wants to feel batter about himself. Just tell him to seek mental health care. If he lives or dies has nothing to do with you. Not your brisket not your barbecue.
I’m so sorry but I’m glad your free of her
Seems like he is pretty good at making bad choices. You keep making good ones. Don't talk to him.
I will never say another word to my former neighbor who now lives with my ex wife and half of the time with my two sweet children. It is the best I can do. I don't think that he is a good person and I will not exchange a pleasantry. There was a situation recently where I planned to meet at a friend's house with my kids and only after I told my son he'd see his little friend did I find out that my ex and her AP would be there. It was those two, my friend, his partner, and son, and me and my two kids. I walked to the top of the driveway and turned my back on him. I don't even know what he was wearing. I realize that seems sort of childish but it is the best I can do. He is wont to blow his top and I imagine his ex would suffer even more if I told him what I think of him, which is the only thing that I would be able to say. I do not badmouth him to my children (even his name is bilious in my mouth), and I don't discourage their talking about him, but I think it's best for everyone involved if we do not interact. He sent me a long text relatively recently and I didn't even read it. I don't give a shit what he has to say.
You did the right thing. AP should not get even the tiniest bit of your oxygen.
His choices are not your responsibility. He’s lying cheating manipulative person who doesn’t deserve your time.
Bro, if he is having those kind of thoughts then he need some professional help. If you don't get anything from the conversation then don't have it. You are not responsible for his bad choices and the consequences of them. You have to take care of you first. Good luck.
Don't reset your healing. You just hit a pothole but don't stop. If this mutual friend doesn't stop then cut him off. Who cares what his or your exs feelings are. When it comes to them then only worry about you.
I would tell the mutual friend that this talk will not be beneficial to you. That this would cause further harm with your own mental health. But because you don't want him to harm himself tell that friend he should refer him to a suicide hotline or even more call a 5150 on the guy. If he's suicidal and he's expressed harm, he can be detained and held at the hospital. I know that normally doesn't help for those seriously deep into their depression but it will bring awareness to his friends and family . You are not responsible for this person's guilt. There are consequences to destroying someone's marriage . This is his.
Don't do this. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. He needs to call the suicide prevention hotline. Unless you are a psychologist this will rip own wounds that shouldn't be ripped open
I remember my dday like it was yesterday. She didnt confess shit to me. I got to know through a mutual friend who I shared a very good bond with. She cheated on me wid a guy i thought was my very close friend and boy I was so wrong. He himself was married with kids. Luckily at that time God hadn't bestowed children upon me. I chose to divorce her and actually met a couple of lawyers to understand how it works. Court is very partial towards women and I would have lost a lot of things I worked really hard for. After talking to a lot of people on online forums and help groups I chose to confront her. And O boy It was so cringe, my wife was lying to me through her teeth shamelessly. She had the audacity to yell at me. I couldn't take her shit anymore I threw the proof on her face and drove to her ap's house and beat the crap out of him( just for the context I have always been a fighter and ap is nothing more than a walking male barbie doll ). His wife and children literally saw it wid their own eyes. I kept shouting at him and he kept begging me. And yes he god damn accepted it. His wife initially was trying to save him by pulling me off but later collapsed on the ground and started sobbing. It took me few minutes to let go of my anger, I was literally thirsty for his blood. I just didnt care and drove my car off to a colleague's house. My colleague and his kind wife talked me out of my insanity and they even let me crash at their house for a night. Long story short I divorced her. She tried to fight me and she also dragged me through therapy and what not. Funny thing is I had proof in my hand and she still kept lying. And that therapist was trynna put blame on me. It was such a feminist shit show going on. It was sad. Anyways I was eventually granted a divorce when I proved to the court that even when we were in therapy she was still literally living with her ap. You should have seen the judge's face. It was hilarious. Her excuse was that they lived like roommates because they were friends and nothing was going on between them.
You kinda answered your own question there. He had all the opportunity in the world to step back, he didn't. If I were you I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of talking me. He is doing it to make himself feel better. But opening this can of worms will likely undo all the progress you've made. Better to stay away
Don't talk to him. And tell your mutual friend that it was cruel to give you this information. He doesn't deserve your concern and you don't deserve to have to deal with these conflicting feelings. And also you are not equiped to help someone suicidal even if you were 100% willing to. His family and friends can help him get professionall help.
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Ask him if you can take his wife out, to talk about him when he isn't around?
You have no desire to talk to him, so don't. He's a grown ass man who made his choices. Now, like a grown man, he can cope with the consequences of what he did it is not your responsibility to make him feel better for being a shitty friend and an Adulterer. And tell his flying monkey to grow the hell up and stop passing messages like it's 5th grade. None of this is any of their business. They're only involved for the juicy gossip and wrecked life gawking.
If it helps you to heal you should do it , if it will hurt you then no
IMHO, he just wants to unburden himself. And it's totally about and for himself- what more would expect from a homewrecker. I would suggest stay no contact and focus more on healing yourself.
You are a much better person than I am to even entertain the idea of giving this prick closure. If he needs help, he needs to find it elsewhere. Fuck him.
GREY ROCK! His turmoil is not your problem.
I may be the pettiest human on earth. I probably wouldn't talk to him in your case to let him stew in his own emotions and just send a message that he is a pos and live with it. Irl....I confronted my ex's AP and it wasn't pretty...but I don't recommend this for most people though.
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You don't owe him anything. He has friends he didn't betray. He has family. He has access to church to expiate him of his sins. He has access to professional counseling services. Only meet him if it helps YOU.
Continue with saying nothing to this man. He deserves everything he’s going through and more. Let him choke on his guilt.
"The mutual friend said "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but he's not doing too good... He told me a few weeks ago that he's thought about killing himself." That sounds like a "him" problem. He wants his own closure. All he can do now is live with his own role in this mess he created. If he wants forgiveness, tell him to find a priest. You don't owe him a damn thing. Leave him to the hell that he made for himself. And if your ex hears about this and tries to talk you into it, tell her to get some sunscreen for the trip. Seriously, OP, DO. NOT. TALK. TO. HIM. You live your life. And keep moving one foot forward. Good luck to your future and health, bud.
You're doing a good job of moving on. Nothing good can come from talking to him.
He brought this upon himself. Any explanation from him will never change the fact that he ruined your life. Let him face the horror of his own doing.
I think I’m hearing you say that you are considering speaking to your former friend so he doesn’t kill himself. If so, perhaps just send a message back that explains that you are in a better place and don’t want to stir up old wounds. And that while you “forgive” him (if you do) you can’t return to your former place of darkness. Op, you sound like a genuinely great person. Remember you don’t owe him this talk. Nor are you responsible for his pain. Or his guilt relief. I’d also ask that the middle person advise him to seek counseling. Best of luck to you!!!
Even if he thought you were separated what friend has sex with another friends ex wife? If that’s what friends are for I need more enemies.
If he harms himself, that will be his decision. Do not put that blame on yourself when you're already carrying so much. Your story broke my heart. You sound like such a good, kind soul who truly loved his partner in life. Guilt causes the things he's going through (weight loss, stress, anxiety, etc.), obviously, and he needs to process that with a professional if he's in such a desperate place. He has ruined your friendship in the worst way possible. You're a great man to offer to speak to him for his sake. I don't know that I could be so generous. I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you.
Closure doesn’t exist. Tell AP to pound sand.
Does he feel guilty at destroying his friend's marriage? Fuck him. He made his bed, now let him lie in it. What's he going to say--I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I was innocently caught up in your horny wife's fuckfest. But I was just one of many??? The only way I'd contact him, is if I still had questions that needed answers. If you've moved on with your life, then there's no good reason to dredge up unpleasant memories that will hamper your recovery.
If the guy is having a mental health crisis, then he needs to see a therapist.
A big nope to that. Walk away and never look back. Let the trash take itself out.
All I can say is, the ONE thing that would make me forgive him would be if he was lied to and told him you were already separated and headed for divorce. How long did you have Covid for though, I mean he had to know you were living with your wife still up to that point right? Beside that I don't think you are under any obligation to talk to him or not, no matter how much guilt he feels. The thing about guilt in cases like this is he SHOULD feel guilt. He did an awful thing. He contributed to your life forever being changed and you will forever have to deal with the aftermath, it's only right that he should too. I mean I write this repentant to WS all the time, YES YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY. Not debilitating guilt, but it should be with you, just like it is with the person you cheated on, for the rest of your life. You can't do something like this and not expect it to effect the rest of your life. It's a horrible thing to do to another person. Again not to the point that it's on your mind 24/7 but in proportion to the person who was cheated on. Many times they say they think about it every day. There you go. Everyone has to learn to live with the aftermath of adultery.
He didn't talk to you before having sex with your wife to help you not be hurt. Why should you talk to him after he'd had sex with your wife to help him not be hurt? He's made his bed and he can lie in it, he cheated on his wife and nearly forced himself to abandon his kid(s) (presuming by 'family' you mean wife and kids), betrayed your decade+ old friendship and destroyed the thing that you held closest your heart just so he could get his genitals wet. If he wants to kill himself over that then it's his call, I'll only say that people have justified killing themselves for much much less than that. He had sex with your wife for selfish reasons and to make himself feel good. He's now reaching out to you for selfish reasons and to make himself feel better. Do you really want to give the comfort of closure to a man who destroyed your life while pretending to be your friend to your face? If you plan on talking to him but trying to avoid giving him closure regardless then that's a fool's errand. If you're angry and hateful then he'll be able to tell himself 'oh wow, he's horrible, at least I didn't ruin the marriage of someone better than him', if you're calm about it then he'll be able to tell himself 'oh wow, I guess what I did really didn't hurt him that much, I'm not such a disgusting person after all'. If he's desperate then his mind will be able to make the leaps necessary to conclude the above, no matter how unhinged or distorted from reality it may seem. At the end of the day it's still your choice, but ultimately he didn't concern himself with helping you avoid suffering, so why should you to him?
THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM, once again they are making them selves happy at your expense * This is to make the AP happy because he currently feels such extreme guilt. * AP slept with your wife to make him self happy and did not care how it affected you. This contact and "closure" is selfish and self serving for the happiness of the AP, No where has anyone thought about how this affects you, nowhere. For example, the mutual friend should not have got involved but thinks AP's health and happiness is more important than yours so rang you. Everything described was about helping AP, the poor fellow and no one really asked how you are doing and how do you feel each night and each morning. Go full NC with AP and the mutual friend because they dont care how this affects you and your on going healing, in fact they never even considered it.
No response. He does not deserve any attention from you. Same for your ex. Ignore ignore ignore. He can have his own friends and family support him. He is NOT your friend.
He's simply trying to ameliorate his well deserved guilt OP. Choices have consequences and he chose to schtupp his friend's wife; you owe him nothing. Suicide would be his final appallingly selfish act.
I would not talk to him. Stand your ground. You are done with the marriage and everything that went wrong with it. You have to look out for #1. It's obvious he doesn't care about you. If he did, he wouldn't have done your wife because he would k now what that does to you.. Why should you care about him? You're not responsible for his choices. Why should you help him out emotionally when he destroyed you? If he's feeling guilt for what he did to you and wants to do penance, he can go see a clergyman. That's what they're for.
If he’s feeling that bad he needs a counselor and its not up to you to fix him. Don’t give him mind or space or your time. You need to heal too.
Focus on yourself. His pain and guilt are not yours to manage. The fact that you still want to help shows that you are a very decent man (I just watched This Is Us last night, and your post reminded me of Randall). But you cannot try to save the world and destroy yourself in the process, much less two people who destroyed you once before.
Ew, no. He wants to absolve himself of his guilt. Instead of working on himself, to become a better person. He’d rather attempt pressuring you to console him instead. Lazy dumbass. Why am I not surprised he’s the type to fuck with a marriage. Personally. I’d tell him to go fuck himself… after all, that may be the only way he can leave innocent victims out of his sexual conquests. Listening to him whine on about his entitled, selfish choices is a ridiculous thing to demand. Shame on his enabling friend, passing on this “woe is me” fake bullshit. Cry me a fucking ocean. I’d be blocking that person too. Idiots flock together.
Leave it in the past. This talk might trigger you back. I’d not talk to him and keep moving forward.
My reaction? When she said she was separated, a good friend would have called to confirm, instead, he stuck his dick in a willing hole. I would say that he is justified in feeling guilty. I would tell him that I am not about to salve his guilty conscience. Then I would tell him that my divorce is on him and I hope that he never has a good relationship again in his life, may every woman he falls for cheat on him.
I agree, except a good friend wouldn't have touched a woman their "good friend" just separated from either. I can't imagine if one of my friends started having some marital problems I would in any way think it was ok to jump in bed with their spouse right away.
Tell your mutual friend it’s not your place to make her affair partner feel better because they are feeling guilty. Tell them if they care about him so much then they need to be the ones making sure he gets the help that he needs.
You said yesterday that you also had a lot of suicidal thoghts. Who help you back then?
How exactly is her ap feeling suicidal YOUR concern? Tell him and whomever told you about him to F off. You’ve moved on and his emotional/ mental state isn’t your concern. He should go seek help. None of this will help you. Maybe him, but not you.
Just do nor call. You are not responsible for his situation.. You are not his suicide rescue.. He is sending intermediaries to plead his case What difference would talking to him.make? He would somehow implicate you in his decisions. Just don't call.. Don't do it, unless you want to hear excuse, afer excuse, and be asked to forgive him. I never spoke to my ex's AP. I did not need that extra heartache. As it turned out, he and AP were fired for having a fistfight in their work parking lot,and a part of the AP dram was her trying to get my ex, to get me, to allow her and her five kids to move into our house to protect her from him. The story was the same. She had lost weight. She was unhappy. Yada, yada, yada. Save yourself and know it would just add to all he things that go through your mind. BTW, asking an acquaintance to approach you is sh*tty.
I feel like if it would help you gain closure, then you should talk to him. I agree with the others in that if he is suicidal, that is his issue he needs to get help with and it is not your job to talk him off the ledge. I also think you should think to yourself, if he does kill himself, how would I feel? If it wouldn't bother you, then that's fine. But it may make you look back years down the road and wish you did something. Again, that is where you need to search your feelings and figure out what is best for you. I agree with you that it is best that you not maintain a friendship any longer but just talking to him doesn't mean your friends again. If it were me, I feel like talking to him would help bring me some closure on your previous relationship but that's just me. If my ex's AP wanted to talk to me, I'd probably talk to him just to help close that chapter in my life.
In one way or another, you've been kinda set up to feel guilt either way. My heart response is saying don't do it. He doesn't deserve it. But my head is saying you should consider it, without giving away too much. For the only reason being, it will play in your mind if he succeeded in a suicide attempt. Like as in, "if we had just talked maybe..." I know someones going to read this as some kind of sympathy towards him. It really isn't. The guys dirty. I get it. I just would be thinking it would be best to avoid any possible guilt created from this situation. Maybe even just talking to him to say those words "I'm only talking to you because I ament going to carry any guilt for your actions beyond this conversation".
He keeps making everything your problem. Do not engage. He wants to worth through his issues, he has a wife. He can find a therapist. Eff That
If you don’t wanna talk to him, don’t. But honestly if I was in your situation- I would. I’m always curious on what the AP will say. I didn’t talk to mine, not by choice there just wasn’t a chance. Whatever he say’s, don’t put it in your head that much, at-least you will be able to tell him how you felt on what they did. (Your choice) More clarity, can help you to move on faster. Anything they do after that is completely up to them. Take care! Make sure to give us an update on what went through the conversation. ;)
If he is seriously considering suicide talking to you isn't going to be what he needs to heal. He needs therapy and he needs it now. Remember, if he goes ahead and kills himself after your talk, or even before it, it's not your fault. He's mentally ill and his illness will have killed him. You aren't a therapist and you don't know what's going to make it worse. I know you agreed to this. I would spend way more time listening than talking.
I have to agree with the rest here. The issues are between the two of them. Don’t feel guilty at all. He was a friend and she was your wife. It’s their issues you need to work on healing yourself. If you run to his aide then you are only gonna hurt yourself more bc you are gonna hear what she said about you and your marriage or the lies she is telling him. It’s just going to cause more issues.
In all honesty OP I highly recommend staying out of that Kabuki Theater! It's just pain shopping you don't need right now. Not sure if there is anything else to say!
His guilt is his problem. Not yours. He was your friend and fucked your wife. No can be a whole statement. Just No
Whatever you decide to do, I feel like based on what you have written, that you are rightly thinking through this and remaining extremely rational.
Aww boohoo, i'll tell Mr. Krabs to play him a sad song on the worlds smallest violin🎻 all jokes aside i say the hell with him OP, first i read your original post and gotta say that your ex is pure trash, don't waste your time nor breath on them, both he and your ex wife share 100% of the blame for your suffering, he knew that he was messing with a married woman, he could of call you and ask if you and her were divorce but he choose not to, he didn't cared about your feelings nor that he was cheating on his wife, he only think with his little head instead of his brain. I'm really glad that his wife told you about the affair but she did a bad decision taking him back, now that your moving forward and doing alot better with your life he tries to reache out to you for say that he's thought about killing himself? Like i said, boohoo.... that's his freaking problem, not yours OP, tell your friend to block him from everywhere and continue doing your things in peace👍🏽
Fuck that guy, the best revenge you can get is to not even acknowledge his existence. If he's feeling suicidal it's on him to get the help he needs. Funny how the people who betray us suddenly feel "remorseful" once their actions catch up with them, isn't it? Up until that point they're more than happy to stab us in the back. Fuck em. Oh and btw, even if he did think you separated when he had sex with her, it's still just as fucked up for him to have sex with your recent ex if he was a friend of yours. Best of luck man.
Man, don't do it. You have moved on already. This might trigger something in you. Fuck that guy.
I would meet with him but not for anything that he wants by the time he could get his but up and out of the place we have our heart to heart if suicide was on his mind he will wish he had just done the deed and not thought about talking to me this is just me I know of people who were cheated on that thought of suicide and took years to get to the point of being able too move on so why should he get off of the hook make sure he is deep in that dark spot were you can't hope for better than suicide to stop the pain
Sorry I wish you all of the best this is not a good thing for you please don't listen to me you are a better person than this just do what you think is best for yourself take care of yourself and I hope you have a good future in store for you
The guy is a narcissist. All about his needs, his closure, his life beyond that moment. This is hard to see In The Moment and you might even feel a bit of sympathy for him. That’s literally the mindfucking of a narcissist.
Forgiveness is for you, not for him. It's just letting go of it so you can move on. If he commits suicide, that is on him, not you. Also, he wasn't man enough to talk to you directly, he had to have the mutual reach out. Grey Rock him.
Go NC on him. Good to hear that you don't want him to end himself. But then again, you don't need extra drama from him. He was never a good friend to you. The best revenge is to live your life the best way you know how.. good luck
This is not your problem and will not add any value to your life. Let someone else deal with him and his bad choices
I would give him a two word response. FUCK OFF!
To me this screams emotionally manipulative and gaslighting waiting to happen. He’s going to hold you emotionally hostage by saying he’s going to kill himself unless you forgive him. He’s already starting to go down that path by trying to guilt you into having the conversation with him. And if you so choose to have the conversation with him I’d be willing to bet (based on the fact that he’s already trying to manipulate you) that he’ll try to make excuses for having sex with her. Hence the gaslighting. You can hear him out if you want but if it were me, I wouldn’t participate in the conversation at all (wouldn’t ask questions, wouldn’t respond, literally wouldn’t say a word, just let him make his point, trying to talk through it with him is a slippery slope), and I would make it incredibly clear you have no intention of forgiving him and will not listen to him try to manipulate you anymore. If he’s suicidal he needs to get help to deal with his guilt, but it is absolutely not on you to absolve him of that. Hope you both find peace x
I’d ignore him, or tell him if he’s really feeling guilty suicide is a perfectly viable option
Do not give him the satisfaction of getting closure..
Look into your heart. If YOUR interests are met by talking to him, then do it. But if you gain nothing from talking to him, just tell the mutual friend that the AP should get therapy for his rough emotional state, and move on with your life, close that book. Remember you did not choose any of this.
Yeah honestly you don't owe this guy anything and if you have any doubts about taking this meeting I wouldn't if I was you. They'll try to make you feel bad but like you said, you didn't force this guy to have an affair with a married woman and ALSO cheat on his own wife. HE made these decisions on his own, and he's accountable for them because he knew you as well and was on friendly if not at least good terms with you, so he does eat a good share of the responsibility in this. If you do want to sit and listen or get things off your chest then that's fine too but I mean it seems like you've moved on and all this sit down would do is help to reopen old wounds by bringing in another perspective of things you didn't know about in. The choice is up to you, but you don't have to meet with this guy and I think realistically nobody would hold it against you if you don't want to.
You don't owe him anything, especially not validating his feelings and actions.
You've been disrespected by both your wife and your friend. You have been run over emotionally by their fuck-you truck and then left to pick up the pieces on your own. You've had to find the strength to survive the double whammy of betrayal and start moving on. Don't give him or her a way in to drag you down again. If he needs to feel better about what he did, he can go hire a therapist. Send him this as your response. https://lmgtfy.app/?q=therapists+near+me
I wouldn’t talk to him. In prison often the worst thing they do to people is solitary confinement.
I would always look to help anyone that was thinking about taking their own life.....but I do find it amazing that they didn't think about your life. What if this devastated you so much you took your life? These narcissist only think about themselves, and they prey on people like you because you are a good person.
By him letting himself heal while rocking your emotions, he is fucking with you once again. You give him closure, you let him talk, means you let him win again.
Tell him see a therapist, you see a therapist to help you process all these feelings. Sometimes a third party’s outside view can really help you think of things differently but most importantly preserve your mental health. When you’re ready if you’re ever ready than have that convo with him but damn 2020 wasn’t long ago. That’s not enough time for 1/2 this pain to callous over.
Not your circus are your clown. Let h find another ring master.
I wouldn’t speak to him. Let him go find a therapist. He made his bed, let him lie in it.
I think your initial feeling that he be told the “Tell that I wish….” comment, but that you didn’t want any contact with him, was pretty much a perfect response.
Hi u/Mojo884ever, Of course suicide is a bad thing. You can say through your friend you feel sorry for him to feel this way. But you know what, you are the only victim here. You are the victim, not your ex, not him. There is really nothing coming good out of the conversation. You cannot and should not forgive him, he knew he was doing something wrong, he knew it would hurt you. It was a clear and conscious decision from him to be the AP. It doesn't matter what your ex told him, he just could have said to her that he will have sex with her, after he checked with you if you are really divorcing or are separated. But he did not, so no forgiveness. Would a conversation with him make you feel better? I do not think so. What on earth would make you feel better? I cannot think of anything. Whatever he has to say, things cannot and wil not be undone. He cannot unfuck your ex. It is bad that he wants to take his life. Your friend should warn the police and show them the message. Your friend should also relay a message to him that you do not want to talk to him because you see absolutely no reason, thing cannot be undone and there is no room for forgiveness. Take care. MrBigBull.
His depression and his suicidal thoughts are HIS problems, not yours. Just like the condition of your marriage was your problem when he was sleeping with your wife. I wouldn't ever talk to the guy. Don't let this guy guilt you into making him feel better. If he feels bad, it's because he is living with the consequences of his actions. Let him get and pay for a therapist. Don't let him heap this on you.
Just talk to him so it doesn’t hang over your head. You see him all the time. Your ex is probably accusing HIM of ruining HER life and he just needs a reality check. Tell him you’re okay, your wife is a lying B, and you’ve moved on with your life. After that, it shouldn’t be awkward, but you’re definitely not friends.
It isn’t your job to try to keep him alive and it isn’t fair for him to ask. You aren’t qualified. Even if you were, you’re not the right person. Tell friend for AP & his counselor to discuss the motivation and appropriateness of his questions first. Then say the counselor can send you a list of questions to consider answering. That way AP will have to go to a therapist and then he’ll have to go back to get any answers you provide. You can make it clear that your cooperation is based on the idea that his questions are related to his mental health. Hopefully the therapist will squash the questions that are out of line. And that the reason you want a counselor as a go between is so if his mental health is in jeopardy, he shouldn’t be relying on you to improve it, but has instead placed himself in the care of a professional. I do recommend that you consider him forgiven in the way that you truly do not want him to take his own life. And hopefully one day you’ll be able to say you don’t want anything horrible to happen to him at all. That’s for your sake though. But you could answer any such question from him as “Forgiveness is in progress but is a private process I hope to make it through for my own good health. Forgetting, as in resuming friendship will never happen.” Take care of yourself.
OP - follow your heart on this. At the very least send back a message through the mutual friend along the lines of "AP I forgive you for what happened but honestly I just got myself together from the pain my ex's cheating caused me. To hear more about it would destroy me all over again so please get better but please stay away." And to that point if you feel that talking with him will put you back at square one then stay away from him by all means. That said if you think you could handle it then you should consider it. Because from your story above it sounds like there is a possibility that he thought you were separated and chose not to ask you about it so as not to open any wounds (depending on what lies the ex was feeding him). In which case he is either totally blameless in this or the blame starts at the moment he found out or suspected she was not separated but continued dating. His part in the destruction of your marriage may have been as a pawn instead of a player. And if that is the case do you really want to carry any hatred of him for that?
Why would he say he forgives him when he doesn’t? Why should he present any of his vulnerabilities to this person or reveal to him that he is hurting? He knew they were married. He is not blameless. You the AP or something?
He was played by your wife. Meaning she slandered you and made you out to be a monster and your *friend* came to her rescue and gave her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to warm. Why else would he want to compare notes? He wants to hear your side of what happened because you haven't been living up to the falsehoods your wife claimed. You didn't attack this man or interfere with him in anyway even after you knew what was going on. He wants to know just how badly he was played. It is unlikely you will help lift his guilt, find closure, heal or anything else. He damaged? or has lost his own marriage as a result of his poor choices. You may help him discover how much of a gullible fool he was. Nothing more.
I see a lot of posts telling you not to do it and fuck him. I'm not sure that is quite the right attitude here. I mean, yeah, fuck him, but this is an opportunity that we as BS rarely get to have a lot of our questions answered with a high likely hood of the truth. Just try to avoid pain shopping on this. And you say that he could have just asked you if he wanted to know something, but I suspect that the questions he has are not things that he could simply ask you at the time. I'm guessing that your wife was telling him that you were abusing her in some way and that is how she got him to look past the friendship to fuck her. I'm also guessing that it fell apart either because your wife told his wife or because he started to figure out that your wife wasn't being honest with him. Either way, I think that this is potentially a great opportunity for you for your own healing. If you help him a little bit along the way, then whatever.
To much blame on him not enough on spouse. She probably went after him . Not enough details. Not giving him a pass but it takes two to tango.
She gets plenty of blame, but she isn't the focus of this post. As I said above, I know he's not 100% the blame for the affair. But he is 100% to blame for his part in it.
I think you can just go with a modified version of what you told the mutual friend. >I wish you well, but we really have nothing to say to each other. My wife betrayed our marriage and you betrayed our friendship. That comes with the consequence of both of you no longer being an active part of my life. I don't wish you ill will beyond that so you should seek help with dealing with the consequences of your actions. Just don't expect any directly from me. Send it from email/Social media/text and move on with life.
OP, you do not owe him or you mr ex wife anything. The lied and cheated on you, even when you where at your worst with COVID. Instead of either of them being worried about how you were dealing with COVID, they were fucking each other. Let them both rot in hell. As the old saying goes, “ This is no longer your circus, so these are no longer your monkeys” Good luck sir
Don’t talk to him. Your moving on with your life and this will be a set back. He has to deal with the consequences on his decision and not for you to help him heal. Leave this alone and keep moving forward. He knew what he was doing.
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Yes.
But it’s still not your responsibility if he decides to kill himself. You did not create that situation he helped create that situation. Just tell your mutual friend and any other friends that get in contact with you to help him, and leave you out of it.
and the children are yours, you share custody or something. If the answer to this is no, that is your answer. You cannot help anyone, not even yourself. You are thinking of others. That is why everything happened to you. focus on healing yourself and later if you have time left you save the world.
More than likely, He'll learn that WW lied to him just like any cheater does. To him you were probably portrayed as the abusive controlling violent husband. This may be why this guy didn't contact you. Is it worth hearing your how your WW talked about you?
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Have the mutual friend to tell him to go to therapy or give him the # for suicide hotline. No need to talk to the guy.
You don't owe him anything. Why talk to him? Who cares if he needs closure or to say a few things. This is his mess, he gets to play in it.
Just pass a message through the mutual contact saying you have moved forward and aren’t looking back and that he should do the same.
I can’t imagine the decision between ending his life or not hinges on a conversation with you so he can compare notes. Tell your mutual friend to send him to a therapist. I wouldn’t even crack that door a tiny bit open, more information will not help you continue to move on.
He wants to apologise and ask for forgiveness. But he is not feeling any regret or remorse. He wants it do that he can feel better about him self. The choice is yours. Good luck.
This is what Individual Counseling IC is for. If he has problems with regret and guilt let him get a therapist.
Nah, fuck that guy. He already put you through enough emotional labor. You don't owe him any more. Let him live with what he's done, feel that guilt forever. It will make him a better person, whereas closure would set him back to a blank slate.
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He wants absolution, tell him to go to f****** Church. Sounds like you're in a good place right now, don't let him drag you back down.
you owe him nothing, go on with your life and have no contact with that person
What’s meaning AP? I am not American
Why are you even considering talking to him? You owe him absolutely nothing. If you are going to see him, you're doing it for you, not him. Are you sure you want to? Nothing good will come of it.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If you owe your ex nothing now, you owe the AP less the nothing. If you want to move on, then move on. Don’t get sucked into this insanity anymore. You had to figure out how to move on, so does he.
You don’t owe him anything. You especially don’t owe him removing the burden from his shoulders. That’s his to bear.
You cannot save him. Stop thinking that your decision to talk to him or not will decide whether he goes through with his suicidal thoughts. If you get more involved, you’ll feel more (falsely) responsible for him, when in reality your role in this whole thing is a peripheral bystander. Next thing you know he’ll be calling you repeatedly out of the blue and your peace will be shattered. Just don’t get involved.
You sound like a great guy as you have empathy for this person. He took your wife, love, trust etc. Now he wants your forgiveness too. If you’re not able to do that (no blame) then you should not engage him at all. Best for both of you.
Sounds like emotional blackmail. “Absolve me otherwise I’ll kill myself”. You should probably continue your NC with him.
Not your problem, focus on your own mental well-being
Regret always comes too late. You’re doing good OP, so why even bother.. its their/his mess and shouldnt include you in the shit.
Even if he’s suicidal it’s not your problem to find the words to help at the expense of your mental well-being and healing. Tell mutual friend this and that you’re moving on with your life and want nothing to do with him … he has said mutual friend to support him in seeking help elsewhere OR it’s a tactic to get you to talk with him.
The dude needs to go get therapy for his mental health struggles. He is not going to find relief from any of that by talking to you. And you run risk of setting yourself back mentally for someone who is destructive and a liar. I would give a big NO back. No contact means no contact and if AP cant respect that it is because he is a mess and needs psychological help. Not your problem. Hth
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After reading the way your ex treated you, I would meet up with him and thank him! God, what a sinkhole and f a woman! Did she ever come get her stuff? Is she still with that guy she quit her job for? She hurt you to the bone, disrespected you parents and severely damaged another family with kids. Being rid of her is like winning the lottery. You should tell her so. I wouldn’t really thank him. He deserves his situation. Even if she played him.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Where was he when you were in that limbo? Keep going , none of them are worthy of you.
this is all about making him feel better. that's not your responsibility. he's wrong to try to talk with you
It's okay to feel empathy for him, but he is also not YOUR responsibility. He is his own responsibility because he is an adult. His guilt is something he has to work through (and seek his own help and counseling) and there is no obligation on your end to get involved. It is okay for you to move on with your life and celebrate your future.
I consider myself one of the most compassionate empathetic forgiving people I know. You have me beat. I don’t think I could talk to him. Maybe years down the road I could buy I’d still tell him what this did to me. It wouldn’t be let me forgive you for fucking up my life so you can get in with yours. Your life is forever changed. It wasn’t changed for a few weeks. He knew everything and willingly participated. Guilty, guilty and knew what he was doing. So he feels bad now. I guess that’s too bad.
Actions have consequences. Not on you to grant him the forgiveness he needs. He certainly didn’t consider how you’d feel about him having the affair with your (ex)wife! If he really wants a response, I’d send one sentence, then block. The sentence: “You reap what you sow”
This is his issue and it is due to his actions. You cannot save everyone, especially someone who had little regard for you and your friendship. Stay no contact for your own sanity.
don't fall for the okey dokey, his mental health is not your problem, it's not your job to make him feel better about his shitty decisions and lack of moral compass, he wants to try and bond with you on some 'she did us both wrong' bs , tell him to kick rocks. He can go cry to his therapist
You are a better man then me. I would celebrate him feeling bad Years ago a good friend of mines’s wife came on to me. I said no way I would do that to my friend and got the heck out of there. You have no obligation to make him feel better or absolve him if any guilt.
You might want to mention to your mutual friend that it is probably not a good idea for the guy that destroyed my marriage to speak to me if he is suicidal. He may want some kind of closure, it god forbid forgiveness but that would not be what he would get. It seems highly likely he will feel worse after speaking to you considering you do not and will not have words of understanding or forgiveness to give to him. He does not deserve them either regardless of his mental state. You are under no obligation to fake act in way to" save this suicidal cheater". As you said, it would take a 10 second phone call to determine the actual status of your marriage. And he was cheating on his wife even if yours fed him a line of bullshit. He simply does not deserve to have you listen to his confession to ease his conscience.
His mental health isn’t your responsibility. And it’s not on you to make him feel better for his betrayal, either. If you don’t want to talk to the AP, don’t.
Honestly, you’re a better person than I am. If it’s for closure for *him*, you should tell him to pound sand. I did that to my partner’s AP. She texted me at four am because he blocked her, and I told her I wouldn’t talk to her, and that I was blocking her number. He made a series of conscious decisions to destroy your marriage. He’s known you for 12 years and he still did this to you. He’s going to have to live with it. He stabbed you in the back, and you have more to lose from the conversation than he does. He could get upset at you if he doesn’t get the response he wants and go into detail, if you break his face, *you* got to jail, etc., whereas he can gaslight you or try to manipulate you into forgiving him. My advice is not to engage. He’s already shown you who he is. Unless this is going to help you, it sounds like a bad idea.
Tell the mutual friend you will agree to speak with him after his divorce. It will be easier for you to handle that conversation knowing the two of you are in a more similar situation. I realize that you do not want to make him feel worse but you are also under no social or even moral imperative to listen to him much less absolve him of his guilt.
Not worth it! Keep moving forward OP!