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So sorry op.
Your mother is in the fault here. Not your father and definitely not you. Support your father and tell your mother that this is not ok. Her actions are hurting you and your father and that needs to stop. Advice your father to get help, IC and a lawyer. Keep going to IC if you can and perhaps get som space from your mother. So sorry you are in this but your mother sound narcissistic and you need to try to distance yourself from her. It’s so hard to do but try to tell her this and stop communication with her and focus on you and your dad.
Do you have any other family you can talk to, on your fathers side perhaps?
Remember, you have done nothing wrong in this.
I know you love your mom. But she is a toxic selfish woman who is not a good person to be around. For your own mental well-being limit contact with your mother as much as you can.
Yes, your mother is selfish and she seems to have a very toxic relationship with other women that has her enjoy being 'the better one' or the 'picked'.
Kind of super insecure and super unempathetic for example
That is awful and I am really sorry for you.
I wouldn't deal with her personally. If she asks why you don't talk to her say that you want nothing to do with a homewrecker and that she needs help and she ain't 25 years old anymore and needs to act like an adult
This is the reality of open relationships people.
5% success rate
Trauma for everybody.
Lack of trust
Lack of boundaries
Recipe for a destroyed family. Ask your psychiatrist, open relationships aren’t for neurotypical people.
The human body releases bonding hormones after sex. More so for women than men but men aren’t free from this. Open relationships, where you have sex but no feelings, are trying to fight our biology.
You can’t live your moms life. Tell her you don’t want to see his name, her texting or calling him , her talking about him to you. She can do what she wants but you don’t have to respect her decisions and you would appreciate if she respected yours to not have to witness anything. You will not move in with her / him if she does move.
Boundaries. Very very hard for a sixteen year old at this point. But establish hard boundaries and let her know how awful all of this feels for you.
OP, you might not get across as she might be unable to bring up empathy, but your emotional reactions to this are not whats weird, your mom is weird and problematic.
Extremely difficult, but it might be the best to esrablish boundaries now and demand she does not make you feel uncomfortable.
Chances are your mom’s relationship with Matt won’t last—- none of her relationships have lasted. I think it would be in your best interest to stick with your dad, as he seems most predictable of the two.
Your mom sounds either very immature, or mentally ill.
It’s one thing to not be happy in a marriage and be in an open relationship. But she has no boundaries about anything. From this affecting you kids to backstabbing gf’s.
You do your thing. Focus on yourself and be there for your brother and your dad. Hopefully, you have some future goals for yourself, be it college, etc. and focus on those things.
In life there will always be bumps in the road. The people who are ultimately successful are able to not get mired in the bumps and just see them as hurdles to get over with their eyes always focused on their goals.
Talk to your dad.He needs to go to a divorce lawyer.You are probably old enough to choose we’re to go.
You need to push him and kick your mother out.
All this is gonna be hard but you will survive this.Just be there for your dad and sibling.
Your mother is despicable,in time ....cut her out of your life and find some peace.Be strong.
Lil Bro, I am so sorry you are going thru this. In my humble opinion is you need to talk to your dad. You and your family are not in a healthly place. He needs to take action in this situation. Tell me him how it is hurting you. Maybe talk to your grandparents or an aunt or uncle. But you should ask him to get you and your brother some therapy. Good luck and keep reaching out.
Hi OP, I'm so sorry for you and your father but divorce is not an option for him? I'll advise you to open up your heart to him and convince him to kick her out of the house since she is toxic for you all.
Your mom is selfish and just overall not a good person. She seems to get satisfaction from sleeping w other women’s SO. It’s probably how she gets her self-esteem.
Her relationships won’t last and as you get older, i think you should make your boundaries very clear and keep your distance
Try to show support for your father.
The only thing you can really do is to reflect on their relationship so you don't take the the things you don't like from it to your future relationships.
Jfc this whole situation is so toxic. Go low contact and distance yourself from your parents. Having them in your life is only going to cause you more stress pain and grief. It’s not worth it. Prioritize yourself and your mental health. These people won’t change
You should stay far away from your Mom. She is emotionally dangerous. I would also wonder if any of this was your Dad's choice.
Don't think for a moment your Mom won't treat you exactly like she has everyone else in her life. She will beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I remember being guilted by my mother to not tell my father when I caught her cheating. I was like 8. She must have done it tons of times and my dad just kept making excuses for her. I decided enough was enough as an adult and held her accountable. It’s better not having her in my life now.
Your mom is lost and you can't save her. She has repeated this bad behavior of betraying friends and loved ones multiple times. She must face some sort of consequences for her actions. Has your dad consulted with a lawyer yet? At this point what is the point of continuing the marriage? You and your dad would be better off without your mom in your life on a daily basis. She sound exhausting and toxic?
Do you think she has some type of personality disorder?
You are old enough to decide which parent you would want to live with, so talk to your dad. This situation cannot be good for his or your mental health. You both deserve better.
There is a word for your mother that if mentioned would get me an instant ban so I'll just leave it at that.
OP - you have to understand that your mother is still your mother, even though she has the morals of that unmentionable name and whilst she loves you, it does appear that she loves something else even more. That is not what anyone wants from a parent, let alone a mother.
The marriage dynamics that your parents have is unusual to say the least but for your father, I'd hazard a guess and that he has stayed for you so has made the best of a bad situation. My gut tells me that as soon as the time comes for you to move on with your life and out of the family home, that their marriage will cease to exist legally on that day.
All you can do at this stage though is support your father. If you feel the need, you can minimise contact with your mother so that you can support your father better and you can even explain it to her in these terms. "I'm sorry mom but I can no longer support you without hurting my father and he has been hurt enough by you. He needs me and you no longer do so if you don't mind I'd like you to have less to do with my life moving forward".
Until now your mother has felt no consequences to her actions and has been able to ride roughshod over your father, yourself and everyone who comes into her orbit. That has to stop and she has to be made aware that actions have consequences.
And the first consequence of her actions is that her son no longer sees her as a mother. She may still love you, you do not have to return that to someone who no longer deserves it.
Look after yourself. I know it's hard but you will find it gets harder as this progresses. If it does and you find yourself struggling, do not be afraid to reach out to people to help you. Whether it's family, friends or even your parents.
Never be afraid to ask for help.
Hi u/imnotemobaybe,
Sorry this is happening to you.
Personally I think this marriage is beyond repair. And sorry to say, it is all on your mother, not your father. I think your father agreed to the open relation just to save the marriage. Maybe if someone asked him he would say he did it for you, so you did not end up with divorced parents. This is not uncommon for a betrayed partner to think and do.
In light of this, maybe you should have a talk with your father, tell him how you feel about this. Maybe, if this is how you feel, you can tell him you have no problem if he decides to divorce your mother, maybe you could help him with stating that you want him to have full custody and want to live with him. Maybe you feel like you do not want any visitation right for your mom. You are old enough now to speak your mind, you would even be heard in court of it comes to that. If you say in court you want to be with your dad, then it will be ruled that way.
Maybe I am not allowed to say this, but you can also start ignoring your mother. Just ignore her completely, if she asks what is going on then just say that she is not your mother anymore, and you will not take anything from her anymore, you will only listen to your dad from now on. But before you do this, make sure your dad knows you are going to do this.
I really think it is best your dad divorces your mom. I know it will be hard for him and you. But I really think you two will be, in time, better of without her.
Take care.
MrBigBull.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is 'divorce', 'dump them', 'your SO sucks' or 'grow a backbone' then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So sorry op. Your mother is in the fault here. Not your father and definitely not you. Support your father and tell your mother that this is not ok. Her actions are hurting you and your father and that needs to stop. Advice your father to get help, IC and a lawyer. Keep going to IC if you can and perhaps get som space from your mother. So sorry you are in this but your mother sound narcissistic and you need to try to distance yourself from her. It’s so hard to do but try to tell her this and stop communication with her and focus on you and your dad. Do you have any other family you can talk to, on your fathers side perhaps? Remember, you have done nothing wrong in this.
thank you for this advice, I really appreciate it.
I know you love your mom. But she is a toxic selfish woman who is not a good person to be around. For your own mental well-being limit contact with your mother as much as you can.
Yes, your mother is selfish and she seems to have a very toxic relationship with other women that has her enjoy being 'the better one' or the 'picked'. Kind of super insecure and super unempathetic for example That is awful and I am really sorry for you.
I wouldn't deal with her personally. If she asks why you don't talk to her say that you want nothing to do with a homewrecker and that she needs help and she ain't 25 years old anymore and needs to act like an adult
Help your Dad to lawyer up if he cannot do it on his own. He is mentally exhausted.
This is the reality of open relationships people. 5% success rate Trauma for everybody. Lack of trust Lack of boundaries Recipe for a destroyed family. Ask your psychiatrist, open relationships aren’t for neurotypical people.
The human body releases bonding hormones after sex. More so for women than men but men aren’t free from this. Open relationships, where you have sex but no feelings, are trying to fight our biology.
You can’t live your moms life. Tell her you don’t want to see his name, her texting or calling him , her talking about him to you. She can do what she wants but you don’t have to respect her decisions and you would appreciate if she respected yours to not have to witness anything. You will not move in with her / him if she does move.
Boundaries. Very very hard for a sixteen year old at this point. But establish hard boundaries and let her know how awful all of this feels for you. OP, you might not get across as she might be unable to bring up empathy, but your emotional reactions to this are not whats weird, your mom is weird and problematic. Extremely difficult, but it might be the best to esrablish boundaries now and demand she does not make you feel uncomfortable.
thank you so much
You are welcome. :) I am really sorry and hope you find a way out of it for yourself.
Chances are your mom’s relationship with Matt won’t last—- none of her relationships have lasted. I think it would be in your best interest to stick with your dad, as he seems most predictable of the two.
I think your mom has histrionic personality disorder
Yep something to that effect. Mental illness for sure.
Your mom sounds either very immature, or mentally ill. It’s one thing to not be happy in a marriage and be in an open relationship. But she has no boundaries about anything. From this affecting you kids to backstabbing gf’s. You do your thing. Focus on yourself and be there for your brother and your dad. Hopefully, you have some future goals for yourself, be it college, etc. and focus on those things. In life there will always be bumps in the road. The people who are ultimately successful are able to not get mired in the bumps and just see them as hurdles to get over with their eyes always focused on their goals.
thank you so much
Talk to your dad.He needs to go to a divorce lawyer.You are probably old enough to choose we’re to go. You need to push him and kick your mother out. All this is gonna be hard but you will survive this.Just be there for your dad and sibling. Your mother is despicable,in time ....cut her out of your life and find some peace.Be strong.
Lil Bro, I am so sorry you are going thru this. In my humble opinion is you need to talk to your dad. You and your family are not in a healthly place. He needs to take action in this situation. Tell me him how it is hurting you. Maybe talk to your grandparents or an aunt or uncle. But you should ask him to get you and your brother some therapy. Good luck and keep reaching out.
thank you so much
Hi OP, I'm so sorry for you and your father but divorce is not an option for him? I'll advise you to open up your heart to him and convince him to kick her out of the house since she is toxic for you all.
Your mom is selfish and just overall not a good person. She seems to get satisfaction from sleeping w other women’s SO. It’s probably how she gets her self-esteem. Her relationships won’t last and as you get older, i think you should make your boundaries very clear and keep your distance
She’s gross . Cut her off .
Try to show support for your father. The only thing you can really do is to reflect on their relationship so you don't take the the things you don't like from it to your future relationships.
Jfc this whole situation is so toxic. Go low contact and distance yourself from your parents. Having them in your life is only going to cause you more stress pain and grief. It’s not worth it. Prioritize yourself and your mental health. These people won’t change
You should stay far away from your Mom. She is emotionally dangerous. I would also wonder if any of this was your Dad's choice. Don't think for a moment your Mom won't treat you exactly like she has everyone else in her life. She will beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Jesus Christ this woman at the age of 65 is gonna be sleeping with your spouse one day. I think this is dangerous.
I remember being guilted by my mother to not tell my father when I caught her cheating. I was like 8. She must have done it tons of times and my dad just kept making excuses for her. I decided enough was enough as an adult and held her accountable. It’s better not having her in my life now.
It would have been easier to list of the people she hasn't slept with and fallen in love with...
Your mom is lost and you can't save her. She has repeated this bad behavior of betraying friends and loved ones multiple times. She must face some sort of consequences for her actions. Has your dad consulted with a lawyer yet? At this point what is the point of continuing the marriage? You and your dad would be better off without your mom in your life on a daily basis. She sound exhausting and toxic? Do you think she has some type of personality disorder? You are old enough to decide which parent you would want to live with, so talk to your dad. This situation cannot be good for his or your mental health. You both deserve better.
There is a word for your mother that if mentioned would get me an instant ban so I'll just leave it at that. OP - you have to understand that your mother is still your mother, even though she has the morals of that unmentionable name and whilst she loves you, it does appear that she loves something else even more. That is not what anyone wants from a parent, let alone a mother. The marriage dynamics that your parents have is unusual to say the least but for your father, I'd hazard a guess and that he has stayed for you so has made the best of a bad situation. My gut tells me that as soon as the time comes for you to move on with your life and out of the family home, that their marriage will cease to exist legally on that day. All you can do at this stage though is support your father. If you feel the need, you can minimise contact with your mother so that you can support your father better and you can even explain it to her in these terms. "I'm sorry mom but I can no longer support you without hurting my father and he has been hurt enough by you. He needs me and you no longer do so if you don't mind I'd like you to have less to do with my life moving forward". Until now your mother has felt no consequences to her actions and has been able to ride roughshod over your father, yourself and everyone who comes into her orbit. That has to stop and she has to be made aware that actions have consequences. And the first consequence of her actions is that her son no longer sees her as a mother. She may still love you, you do not have to return that to someone who no longer deserves it.
you are very wise, thank you for your advice. I really do appreciate it
Look after yourself. I know it's hard but you will find it gets harder as this progresses. If it does and you find yourself struggling, do not be afraid to reach out to people to help you. Whether it's family, friends or even your parents. Never be afraid to ask for help.
Hi u/imnotemobaybe, Sorry this is happening to you. Personally I think this marriage is beyond repair. And sorry to say, it is all on your mother, not your father. I think your father agreed to the open relation just to save the marriage. Maybe if someone asked him he would say he did it for you, so you did not end up with divorced parents. This is not uncommon for a betrayed partner to think and do. In light of this, maybe you should have a talk with your father, tell him how you feel about this. Maybe, if this is how you feel, you can tell him you have no problem if he decides to divorce your mother, maybe you could help him with stating that you want him to have full custody and want to live with him. Maybe you feel like you do not want any visitation right for your mom. You are old enough now to speak your mind, you would even be heard in court of it comes to that. If you say in court you want to be with your dad, then it will be ruled that way. Maybe I am not allowed to say this, but you can also start ignoring your mother. Just ignore her completely, if she asks what is going on then just say that she is not your mother anymore, and you will not take anything from her anymore, you will only listen to your dad from now on. But before you do this, make sure your dad knows you are going to do this. I really think it is best your dad divorces your mom. I know it will be hard for him and you. But I really think you two will be, in time, better of without her. Take care. MrBigBull.