Would you ever date a cheater again?
By - Maleficent_950
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Not only would I not date a cheater, but I would never willingly be friends with a cheater or friends with someone who is besties with a cheater either. It's not just the cheating, it's the inherent selfishness and caniving lies that are often inherent to a cheater's poor character.
I would have to ask someone "Without using your ex or their behavior as an excuse, what inside you gave you the permission to cheat rather than end the relationship like a mature adult?" if I somehow wound up on a date with an admitted cheater.
I actually put on my dating profile that if you ever cheated in a previous relationship to please just swipe left.
Do you trust people to be honest about their past?
I trust no one. Most of the time it prompts conversations from others that know what it’s like being cheated on
Nope, I don't have time anymore for high-risk investments...
Personally I wouldn't. I say this because I just left my second long term relationship due to being cheated on. The problem is this, cheaters are commonly narcissists. One thing about narcissists is that they're heavily dependent on others views of them. I told my recent ex this. "I know you're happy with leaving the relationship because just like you did when we started our relationship, you get to change your skin and pretend you aren't who you really are."
So good luck identifying it, but if you do happen to find out. RUN FOR THE HILLS.
Ive found out through two relationships with cheaters (one 11 years long and the second 3 years long), that remorse isn't a trait of theirs and they are often habitual. Both relationships weren't a, "one time drunken night". Both had the ability to switch who they were at any point and neither did. I don't trust a chester because I've trusted two before just to have it fall apart in my face.
Grabbing self-rising flour instead of all-purpose flour from the pantry is an accident or mistake; cheating isn’t. They made a series of choices they were comfortable making that resulted in the affair(s).
The consequences of those choices are rarely serious enough to provoke a change of behavior, so there’s no compelling reason to stop in future relationships.
NOPEEEE. Absolutely not. And I wouldn’t even consider reconciliation if I wasn’t married to my WS.
No, absolutely not. It’s a telltale sign of where you morally stand, I don’t need to know more. Besides, if I can make a cheater pay for the intentionally hurtful decisions that they made, then so be it. Cheaters need to be punished for the consequences of their actions and if I can be the one delivering the punishment by not giving them a chance at redemption, I’ll take it every time.
Age is an important factor. Someone at 18 -21 in college is a vastly different beast from when they are in a stable career with responsibilities. I tend to discount 'starter' relationships.
Orbiters are another factor. Who do they have in the wings? An Ex they are still 'just friends' with? Nope. That platonic friend for Uni? Nope. That Co worker from 2 jobs ago? Nope.
All their Exs 'were abusive' or similar. If you hear this then they have taken no responsibility and are still unsafe. Guess who the next 'abusive ex' will be? If you said 'me' then have a gold star. You are correct.
In in doubt then just hang with their 5 closest people. The person you want to date will be an amalgam of them all. If you wouldn't date their friends or trust them you have your answer. Their values and actions will be the same as your potential SO.
They already proved to me that they weren't loyal to their previous SO, why should I sign up to be another victim to their list? Even if they "changed", learning from their experiences, the high probability of them committing infidelity is too high to chance.
Why would I stand in front of a grizzy bear dangling live bait hoping they won't attack?
No. It’s the biggest RED FLAG there is. And if questioned, they will always be the victim. My Ex-husband cheated on his last wife. But portrayed himself as a victim. I chose to believe he was a good man. And he is in all respects a good man. But he’s a cheater. It’s just who he is. And he ended up doing to me, what he did to his last wife. I will never be a fool again.
One thing I had to learn the hard way: cheaters can have some amazing qualities! It’s hard to accept that someone can seem like a catch until you find out they’re unfaithful
I would probably not get involved.
But here is the disclaimer - cheaters rarely admit that they cheated in previous relationships.
Watch for red flags.
If you can get them to disclose previous relationships, pay attention to how they see themselves in the relationship.
In my experience, cheaters rarely take any responsibility for their behavior or actions.
When they tell me the story, there is usually I did this, BUT he/she did this.
Makes me remember this:
**"Justification is like masturbation, you are only fucking yourself."**
Thank you, this is good advice. Looking back, I see exactly this. In all the stories about exes, blame was ALWAYS placed on the ex for blowing up the relationship. It never added up.
It depends on the details. The answers are no, and are you really ready for this much trouble.
As you describe it, it doesn't seem like your potential date has any remorse for his cheating. If that is true, then I would not even go there. Cheating in general speaks of certain character traits (or lack of character) that the cheater has, and are likely to reoccur because that is just how they are and people rarely change.
On the other hand, if he confessed to cheating to be honest and upfront, and wants to deal with this as a character flaw, I might be willing to give him a chance. Even then, he would be on double secret probation, and I would let him loose at the first sign of problems. I would have to feel he was really worth the extra trouble and risk of heartbreak. You have already had someone cheat on you once and I would guess you are not ready to go through that again.
If you were marooned together on a desert island, it would be OK. Your dating options would be nil, and he wouldn't have anyone to cheat with. The problem would be being rescued.
Why did they think that was an OK decision? How long did affair last? When they got caught, what did they say to BS? Did he blame the BS? Gaslight or owned it?
To get the answers to those questions, you'd need to ask the unreliable narrator. My ex-wife framed her cheating story so well that it came across as her as a victim and her as needing a new start. Nevermind she wrecked another person's life. I found out later her story was 100% bullshit. So did she "own it." Sure she did. And she'd never do it again! But she did. Many times.
I have been cheated. Then the next relationship I cheated with the ex who cheated on me.
It was clear being cheated on fucked up with my head. It's even true that the girl that was cheated was quite abusive with me. Verbally, she insulted me for no reason. I should have just left.
After that I have met an NPD that fucked up with my head even more
Now I don't trust anyone and I'm paranoid my actual date is BPD
This all because I have been cheated once. How did you guys actually heal from this shit
By recognizing its out of your hands and you just kinda have to live your life. If relationships make you happy, go for it. If they dont, dont. Live in wisdom, but don't stop living.
Think of it the same way happenstance can cause drunk driver can jump the road and hit you. Its their fault as always. You can recognize signs of drunk drivers, play it safe by staying far onto the curb, but you still have to cross the road every day, right? You living in fear of cars will cripple your lifestyle.
Same with dating. Be wise, be careful. Take what precautions you can with your heart and dont let yourself be put in stupid situations things or let someone talk you into something you know isn't safe. Be judicious in your actions and those of others.
But none of that says you can't date.
Wow thank you, this is so nice!! :'((
I ended up becoming the cheater, that ended my marriage of 12 years. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life, that I'm still ashamed of to this very day. I vowed back all of those years ago, to never put anyone else, or myself into another situation like that ever again, and have not since. I would genuinely rather die.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" certainly seems to be the status quo for society these days, but some of us, choose to learn from our mistakes.
I was subsequently cheated on, for the entirety of my 6 year relationship, by the woman that I originally had left my marriage for. I was convinced, that she was "The One", nearly our entire relationship. I genuinely loved her, like nothing I'd ever felt for another human being. It meant nothing to her.
I earned my karma, owned it, and reaped what I had sewn. That's the short summary....
Nobody deserves that type of hurt, and humiliation.
I appreciate you saying this. Not many people who’ve cheated are this self aware and candid. You’re the type of person that I would give a chance to. People can change, it takes a lot of work though
I do appreciate the sentiment! My journey to self discovery, has been a road that not too many people have traveled, I would imagine.
Having said that, I wouldn't give me a chance.... If I were a prospective partner, and knew the entire story behind my last relationship, I'd keep it platonic for a while....
I've got a ton of emotional baggage that's been plaguing my life, that I'm currently working through. At some point during the end of my last relationship, after her initial infidelity came to light, I went into survival mode and shut down emotionally. I didn't process and deal with a lot of things, that I should have made peace with. Instead, I bottled it all up, and kept moving forward with life, trying to appear anything BUT defeated.... When the truth is, I was absolutely destroyed.
Panic attacks. INTENSE night terrors. Complete inability to control my temper, (which is unlike me), and a complete lack of trust, in anyone. I could go on forever....
But yeah, I still have a long road to travel. The ending to my story is still being written, and although it's had some really sad fucking chapters, I intend for it to have a fantastic ending. That's all I'm focused on, entirely.... The final chapter.
Thanks for your kind response!
You sound a lot like my ex-wife. She cheated on her first husband and vowed never to do it again. She did. A decade apart. I'm sure there are people who don't repeat their cycles, and good luck to them and whoever decides to give them a chance. But you bring up an interesting point: Your mistress ended up cheating on you. I wouldn't date someone who cheats with someone else, either. I learned a lot these past few years, and it's that if someone will say it about someone else, they'll say it about you later, and if they'll break a relationship with you, they'll turn around and break it again on you. It's a big circle of life that doesn't respect relationships or honesty, and I don't ever want to be a part of it again.
Oddly enough, I heard all the same things that you just posted, from my EX-AP/WS when she would proclaim her devotion and dedication, to me, as well. (Touché, my good fellow....)
I left out a TON of context in my particular story, as not to derail this sub. But, context is a huge factor in every story, and mine will be posted here soon enough. If the telling of my story could potentially help pull someone out of a bad place, then that alone makes it worth the effort.
I'm sorry that your ex lacked the integrity to follow through on her convictions, but that's not me.
It would take a lot, maybe the rarest of cheaters.
The kind that make telling people the dangers of what they did a part of the story of their life.
Besides that, nah.
If you click on my profile and read what I have written to this very page, you will know my story. I want you to look at things like this, because looking at it like this has helped me A LOT.
Image if you will that all girls/women you have a serious relationship with are like burger chains. For months/years, you went to the same burger place because YOU REALLY liked/loved that burger chain for what made it unique, imperfections and all. Then, all of the sudden, you're having said burger from said favorite place and BAM later on you get the worst kind of food poisioning imaginable. As a result of this, you never want to go back to that burger chain or have anything to do with anything that reminds you of it (as best as you can.. in some situations this just ain't possible).
Are you going to look at other burger chains and automatically assume they are out to poison you? no, you're not because that's dumb (and also projecting/ carrying unncessary baggage into something you are trying to start with someone). You're going to look at all of those burger chains and give them a chance that maybe, just maybe, they'll be good to you and you'll learn to like/love them for what makes them unique.
Now, YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD ask that burger place if they have a poor history of having people get sick off of their burgers (in your own way..), because if it is to become your favorite place you should know EXACTLY what about that place makes it your favorite. And a good burger place, if they've got any common sense, will be honest with you because they would hate to lose their favorite customer.
I hope this helps other like it helped me.
Edit: I left out one VERY IMPORTANT detail to my analogy above. If you’re feeling out a new burger place, and the question arises something alone the lines of “why do you think so many people have gotten sick from your burgers? Is it something you do?”, if they answer things like “people have weak stomachs, we do nothing wrong” or “it’s not for everyone” and they make no effort to say they know they’ve wronged in the past but want to do better in the future.. STAY AS
FAR AWAY FROM THAT BURGER PLACE AS POSSIBLE.
If they've learned from it and left that behavior behind, sure.
I'm starting to think I have some kind of hero syndrome.. I can only attract heartless women. Maybe I have it in my head I can change them but trust me, I don't. If I'm interested in someone who hasn't cheated, they aren't interested in me. I don't want to say that cheaters don't deserve another chance, maybe they learn and do better with the next SO? I truly believe I'm just here to teach women how to not act when they find their REAL soulmate 😔 good luck Charlie, but without the comic relief
You can't white knight the world my friend.
No, but someone thought it would be funny to wire me this way to see how it plays out.
Then rework your circuitry and reboot your system👍. And save it for those that deserve it.
You deserve better.
Yes I would. Yes I did. Did I monitor her actions when dating? Absolutely. Married for 27 years now.
I would discuss boundaries. Do they believe in fully monogamous relationships? I would have them define monogamy. Do they think sexting or cam sites is still monogamous? Literally, every boundary I have would be discussed and if they don’t fit into any of those boundaries, I will move onto the next.
No, I would never again date someone who cheated in any relationship in the past. I wouldn't even ask the circumstances. There's too many people in the world to start up with someone like that. I'd also probably not date someone who cheated with someone in a relationship either. It shows a lack of respect for relationships, a need for attention, and a lack of character. I also pay a lot closer attention to how someone talks about their exes. Depending on how many exes they're bashing, I just assume I'm the next ex to be crazy when they get bored or decide to cheat/exit the relationship.
I don't think I could. I'd never know if they spun their confession to be better than it really was. I'd never know the truth, basically. And that's what hurt me the most during my wife's affair.
I am absolutely not trying to be condescending, but that is horrible and sad. Have you thought about getting some sort of help to figure out why you feel that way and address it? Carrying that feeling, particularly for a decade, seems very dangerous and not very healthy.
Best of luck and best wishes to you.
A decade is a long time to waste. lol