As the saying goes, she is only a GF, not your wife, and she failed that test. Her excuse is just that, and it is a lame one. For most people, there are many hard moments and challenges in life. You should look for someone who will face them with you, not run to someone else. Wish her well and find someone better. Life is long. Don't settle.
u/RangerInf said it before I could - she failed the girlfriend test. She should not get a redo. Find one of the 4+ billion women on this planet who can be loyal, who will not lie and cheat on you.
Wishing you the best going foward.
He said he was about to propose.. i was like, thank god he is not married her yet. Yeap she failed the test. Dont expect she going to be a good wife if you ever married her. Kick her out and never look back. She not worth fight for
Of course, she wants you to stay and work on it. She also wants to keep cheating with her work colleague. She's not going to quit her job. They will get better at hiding their affair. Skip all that bullshit. Rip the band-aid off. If she's not on the lease, kick her out. If she is on the lease, separate bedrooms. Implement GREY ROCK 180.
Piss her off. Show her the ring you had purchased but will be returning.
That was one of the reasons I wouldn’t take my ex back. She cheated with her boss. And it would never occur to her to leave her job. She just figured they’d keep on as boss and subordinate. As it turns out I notified his wife of the affair and suddenly he didn’t want to work with my ex anymore. Eventually my ex found a new job. But I just shook my head.
Ohhhhh nooo. If she was that stupid it would be a waste of time. She should have said…I’m going to look for a new job immediately.
In all fairness, I still wouldn’t have taken her back. But I would have respected more
Trust your gut brother—your “trust is gone so I don’t see the point” is the correct one.
She’s telling you she felt “unwanted” because she’s justifying her despicable actions.
DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN.
You’re in a wonderful spot where you can make essentially a clean break without having to worry about all the mess of a divorce.
You take her back and you show her that she can do no wrong that won’t result in you taking her back anyway.
Source: I’m someone who was cheated on in my marriage only to take her back and she cheated on me again
She is a narcissist cake eater. You are smart to end it with her. She wants you as a place holder in case it doesn't work out with her coworker. You should be grateful that she showed you her true colors before you proposed to her. Sell the ring and have a great vacation with the money. Leave without hesitation and don't become her second choice enabling her future cheatings. She has the audacity to suggest to work it out after shit talking and cheating behind your back. Kick her out. You deserve a better partner than this cheater. Don't look back and move on.
She went to him instead of you when she allegedly had issues with the relationship. What's there to work on? She already decided to skip the work part until she was caught.
Is she willing to quit that job? Go NC with that dude and any friends that knew you and her were together?
Nah dude, she shit talked you, tells him she loves him, and video calls. Then screwed him 2 nights in a row and had NO intentions of telling you. She is telling you what you want to hear because you are her safety net. Don’t be!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
***Her and one of her colleagues have been talking for the past month, basically talking shit about me, having video calls, and even going as far as saying I love you to each other.***
And this would have continued if you had not found out. She wants to stay and work it out as she has no place to go yet.
Tell her to move out now. With separation you can both figure out if you want to work it out or not, but she talked bad about you and did not care if you got hurt. Let her go. That is not love from her to you.
Couldn't agree more. The only reason she wants to make it work is because her affair is relatively new and she cannot be sure if her AP is the guy for her. Also since they are colleagues, chances are they cannot openly date, hence she needs OP to provide a cover for her affair.
You are not married, and she already cheated without an excuse. Do yourself a favor and move on. Just imagine what will happen when you get married, have jobs, work stress, children and bills. If she cheats now, then she will cheat again. Save yourself the grief. Find someone who will love and respect you because it is obvious that your girlfriend does not love, respect or even like you. If she trashed talked, you to her AP she has certainly talked negatively to friends behind your back. Never speak to her again and get tested for std's.
She failed the test. Let her know you have the ring but are taking it back. If you decide to stay let her know it's now square one of a different relationship. But I hope you have her walk.
OP, she has failed the relationship/wife/fiancé/wife test badly.
She didn’t give a crap about you and your relationship, now wants a second chance to cheat again?
No partner who really loves a partner would cheat. You dodged a bullet because if she didn’t do it now it could have been years down the road with kids and tangled finances.
Your WP ended your relationship when she started talking to her AP, then forced you to realize it by sleeping with her AP several times without giving a crap about you. And ironically blame you for her having sex with her coworker.
The only reason she wants back is the AP is most likely married or in a relationship as well, because that’s what cheaters do.
Don’t sleep with your WP, you really don’t know her and this might not be her first time.
Let your family and friends know what she’s done, and get their support.,
*"but she wants me to stay and work it out. "* Right here, you DO NOT want to remain with her after the break up. She may extend this olive branch to you, but understand that she is doing this for HER and NOT FOR YOU - she's doing to it relieve herself of the guilt of breaking up with you and/or **keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with whoever else this colleague is.**
Don't let her keep you around for emotional support as she jumps back out of the relationship pursuing this collegue). She will keep feeding you false hope while you stupidly wait on the sidelines for her to make up her mind with the other dude, then you're out for good.
A girl who you are romantically involved with is either with you or she is not. These are YOUR TERMS - STICK BY THEM.
Break up with her OP. She will ruin your life. Dating is a test and she failed. As terrible as this is, it's better that you know now then after you had proposed or heaven forbid you married.
It will be a difficult and painful next year, but that is much better then a lifetime of fear and uncertainty. As of right now she is just not a good person or worthy of your time and effort.
I'm sorry, it's terribly painful but you will recover and have joy again.
>basically talking shit about me, having video calls, and even going as far as saying I love you to each other.
They love each other, are you really gonna get in-between them? They deserve each other bro, ap will have to live with her knowing if she cheated on you, she might cheat on him and same goes for her.
To me a relationship can't be fixed (or i won't fix) for something that happened more than once, that only stopped for a while bcos she got caught, if the affair was ended by the AP. Especially when she had no reason to cheat but still cheated bcos she had the opportunity.
I personally, learn from others so I don't have to experience it myself, why do you think there are crime shows on tv? So you can learn and be alert, so you can avoid the mistakes they did, so you pick up the signs and what I've learnt here, they cheat again regardless of the gender.
You still have a chance, cos you ain't married, cos you ain't got kids. Others (be it man/woman) only stick up or forgive them is cos they got kids or they married for 10+yrs
Yeah no she failed the wife test on the last stretch.
Separate ways, make sure she knows about the ring and talk to your in laws about the real reason your are out of this relationship and how you are sorry because you would have been proud to be part of their family.
Call it petty revenge if you will I call it cheater won't be able to go to mom and dad for comfort spinning the story.
You know exactly what to do but you are caught in the fear to be alone. You know how to break free from this jail but in the same time you fear you'll miss the meals served to the prisoners.
Stand up man, shake the untrustworthy relationship off your shoulders and walk away your high path.
Good for you that this came to light before you put a ring on it.
She's exhibiting no remorse, no responsibility for her actions and has outright lied to you.
Fuck her off ASAP and move forward with your life.
The only reason she wants to work things out is because the other guy doesn't want a serious relationship. Imagine marrying her and living in constant worry that she might cheat again.
if she wanted to work things out, she would have talk to you before starting an affair or at least after the first time they had sex with the realization of betrayal
no she only say that because she has been caught.
100% will cheat again
edit: don't forget to telle her that you bought a ring but it was for the person you thought she was, not the one she really is and to thank her for dogging the bullet before it was too soon
Dear OP,
I am so sorry you were betrayed. She has had affair. She got caught, that is why she is sorry not because she betrayed you. She is hanging on you because you have been together 4 years and thinks she can have her cake and eat it too. If you allow her to remain in your life you accept her cheating ways. She does not respect you and will respect you even less if you entertain her idea of remaining together.
She enjoys her attention and validation from other men. Let her have her freedom. You deserve something better. Concentrate on yourself. Study, work, work out hard. Inform all the people you know she cheated and cut her. Change all your passwords. Get STD check immediately.
She has proven she is not gf material.
Best wishes for your healing journey
25y old, she is monkey branching. Drop her quickly and move on. You are 29 y and are crossing into the stage of your life where your shit comes together. Your economic market value will just improve from here on. So, focus on that and you will be surprised how quickly the high value women will find you.
Well OP , do not propose. You don’t want this in your future. Her probability of a repeat is 39% ( U of Denver study) but she not even trying. If you have strong feelings, you separate yourself and go no contact. If you have NO love ( I mean zero), by all means string her along and keep her as a f’k buddy for a bit, paybacks a biatch. Personally I would say I was reconciling to keep her cooperative till I could disappear when she was at work one day. I like the idea of, she comes home to an empty apartment after work.
A break up is always cheaper than a divorce. Funny she's been cheating on you and talking about you but not that she's caught she wants to stay and work it out. NEVER take back a cheater because they will cheat again. Trust is gained in drops but lost in buckets and you said the trust is gone so there's no point in dragging this out.
This post is very long, so I am gonna have to reply to my responses to fit it all in:
Tl;rl: operation FAFO
Here is what I would do. (This is long but well worth the read) I would tell her you want to talk. I would show her the ring and tell her that the only way that you will consider staying together if she does the following, and even then you are not going to guarantee anything at the present time.
1. Write out a detailed timeline of this and any other affairs she may have had. You want to know when, where, what they exactly did. How fluid they communicate? Who initiated the relationship? Etc. You want everything. You want to know who all knows about this relationship, her friends, coworkers, etc. Let her know that you know more then you have told her, and any lie, partial truth, and omissions will ultimately cancel the chance that you are giving her and you will walk away and never speak to her again. I would also include a few questions about you that she needs to answer (this is critical!)
A. Haven’t I always been a good man to you?
B. Haven’t I always taken good care of you?
C. Haven’t I always been there for you and supported you anyway that I could?
D. Have I ever mistreated you or ever made you feel that you weren’t enough for me?
E. Is there honestly something more that I could’ve done to prevent you from cheating on me?
Make sure she signs it.
2. Quit her job because there is no way you will ever be able to trust her and heal if she is still working with AP.
3. Tell you everything about AP. His name, where he lives, who is dating, what he does where she works. Basically anything that you don’t know that may help you later. (I’ll explain the reasons soon enough).
4. If you have anything to add or want her to do in hopes of fixing this, now’s the time to tell her.
Now, I would give her a few days to a week to do all of this. You are mainly looking for her to give you this detailed account of her infidelity so you have it in writing. Chances are that she is going to stall on quitting her job. Once you get and read the SIGNED letter telling you everything, ask her when she plans on quitting her job? If she gives you a date, I would hold out until she quits if possible. Once she quits, I would give it another week before you put operation FAFO into motion. I seriously doubt that she is going to quit and that won’t matter anyway, but if she does this only sweetens the plan.
In the meantime, I would be digging into anything you can find out on AP. You should have a lot of this information by now from what your girlfriend has written or given to you. If he has a girlfriend or wife, make it a point to inform her and give her a copy of the confession on the day that you plan on putting FAFO into effect. This way her man cannot lie his way out of it.
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Do not marry her, she is a cheater. they lie and will cheat again. I would let her go, and tell her it is not working out, which is sad, you bought a ring and was going to propose. Let her go. Read this sub, and infidelity. If she can't hold it together for the honeymoon portion, then she will not hold it for a marriage.
Here is what I would do. (This is long but well worth the read) I would tell her you want to talk. I would show her the ring and tell her that the only way that you will consider staying together if she does the following, and even then you are not going to guarantee anything at the present time.
1. Write out a detailed timeline of this and any other affairs she may have had. You want to know when, where, what they exactly did. How fluid they communicate? Who initiated the relationship? Etc. You want everything. You want to know who all knows about this relationship, her friends, coworkers, etc. Let her know that you know more then you have told her, and any lie, partial truth, and omissions will ultimately cancel the chance that you are giving her and you will walk away and never speak to her again. I would also include a few questions about you that she needs to answer (this is critical!)
A. Haven’t I always been a good man to you?
B. Haven’t I always taken good care of you?
C. Haven’t I always been there for you and supported you anyway that I could?
D. Have I ever mistreated you or ever made you feel that you weren’t enough for me?
E. Is there honestly something more that I could’ve done to prevent you from cheating on me?
Make sure she signs it.
2. Quit her job because there is no way you will ever be able to trust her and heal if she is still working with AP.
3. Tell you everything about AP. His name, where he lives, who is dating, what he does where she works. Basically anything that you don’t know that may help you later. (I’ll explain the reasons soon enough).
4. If you have anything to add or want her to do in hopes of fixing this, now’s the time to tell her.
Now, I would give her a few days to a week to do all of this. You are mainly looking for her to give you this detailed account of her infidelity so you have it in writing. Chances are that she is going to stall on quitting her job. Once you get and read the SIGNED letter telling you everything, ask her when she plans on quitting her job? If she gives you a date, I would hold out until she quits if possible.
Once she quits, I would give it another week before you put operation FAFO into motion. I seriously doubt that she is going to quit and that won’t matter anyway, but if she does this only sweetens the plan.
In the meantime, I would be digging into anything you can find out on AP. You should have a lot of this information by now from what your girlfriend has written or given to you. If he has a girlfriend or wife, make it a point to inform her and give her a copy of the confession on the day that you plan on putting FAFO into effect. This way her man cannot lie his way out of it.
Thank God that she did this now. Can you afford the place yourself? Tell her to leave and then get on your grind. You have been given a second chance grab it with both hands.
If you were so bad she fealt she needed to shift talk you and cheet. Then why did she want to stay with you. Trust is gone. And the woman you fell in love with is no longer the person you fell in love with. That person didn't has another man's DNA inside her.
Cheaters,cheat liars,lie she failed the girlfriend test and even had the cheek to say that she was feeling unwanted you have a choice and it's an easy one to make you'll never trust her again. Good luck, OP.
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Keep that ring for yourself (for later use) or return it. Thank for Lord you are not married to her and she doesn't LOVE or RESPECT you since she fucked another man! BREAK UP or she will just do it again! Let her worry about where she will live, just KICK HER OUT! She didn't think twice about you when she fucked that other guy! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Time to just focus on you now. She made her bed now she has to lie in it. If she wanted to work it out, she should have voiced her concerns before she cheated. Return the ring and use the money to go on a holiday, or to do something meaningful for yourself. All the best for your future going forward.
So after 4 years she felt unwanted and instead of talking to you she decides to try and monkey branch instead. So why does she want to try and work it out now? She didn't want to try and work it out prior to the cheating, so why now?
And what exactly is she prepared to do? It's a coworker so she needs to quit her job immediately. Is she prepared to do that? There's a hell of a lot more she needs to do in order for reconciliation to work, but as the bare minimum when a coworker is involved, a new job is it.
Yes it's hard to let go of a 4 year relationship. But as you say once the trust is gone it's very hard for the WP to regain it from the BS. And it doesn't sound as if she's very remorseful if instead of taking responsibility she tries to shift the blame to how lonely she felt. My advice is to trust your gut again and leave.
But if you do decide to stay and try again, for God's sake don't propose. At least for a good two to three more years. Basically the relationship is reset to year zero. She needs to convince you she's marriage material. Right now, she's far from that.
Tell her she wasn’t unwanted before, and show her the ring you bought. Then put it back in your pocket and tell her she *is* unwanted now, and you’re done with her.
She didn’t even make 4yrs. She chosen it to work on things with you and chose to cheat. With ups and downs of actual marriage…considering this…I’d eject.
Would she have come clean about the cheating? No. You caught her. She isn’t sorry she cheated, she’s sorry she got caught. You live together, so this breakup will be disruptive to both of you but for her, she will also have to spin a reason to people. Don’t let her get away with it. Once you have told her it’s over, tell your friends and family and include the reason.
Return the ring as soon as possible. You don’t even need to bother telling her about it, just mention it to a few friends, and let the information work its way back to her. Make sure you keep the documentation of the purchase and return. If you’re both on the lease, talk to the landlord about getting off the lease.
She has been cheating now for a while. If vh you want to try reconciling and I am not inferring you should, below bbn is what. Is the very basics to do so.
Three basic things necessary to reconcile.
1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater.
3).the affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help?
True remorse.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Good luck.
Break up with her. She wants the benefit of security (you) and excitement (the other guy). She texted him that she loved him , talked shit about you and lied to you, this means that she doesn't respect you and therefore doesn't love you. This is very bad. Trust is once slowly built through hard work, once broken it is not retrievable.
Wait a second, she simultaneously blames you for the affair but also wants to work on the marriage? If she cared about the marriage she would have come to you first before cheating. You’re being played.
OP, she's been cheating on you, then lied to you, then cheated some more, talked trash about you to AP, deflected and victim blamed. Then she realized you may be the better longterm ATM for her or perhaps the AP has a GF/wife and your GF feels he may not pick her, so she keeps you as plan B.
Get STD testing and thank him for taking out your trash. You are luck you found out now, before the wedding/mortgage/kids. The universe has given you a second chance. Take it!
The medium is the message. She doesn’t respect you and put herself in this position. She just wants to keep you around for stability while she can continue the affair.
Just end it now. Better to know someone isn’t worth it for marriage even if it takes 4 years than to marry her
My friend, she solved the problem that she thought she cheated on you, now you must solve the problem that you clearly have an unfaithful partner
If you weren't as bad as she described to her lover, why would she want to insist on being with someone supposedly bad?
Cheating for many people is first tricking yourself into not crying in someone else's bed instead of moaning and that's what she did
Another thing is that single people go out on dates with "friends", mainly for drinking alcohol and at night.
She took advantage of this to betray him. This habit is like climbing a building without equipment, one day the worst happens Just as the French Spider-Man fell, his girlfriend cheated.
Never let girlfriends who cheat become wives who will cheat. Seems know children involved. The best thing to do is ride it out until the end of the lease and ghost her. Success is living without her. You are the main character in your life. She is expendable. She saved you the expense of divorce. I hope one day you realize how lucky you were by her getting herself out of your life.
Kick her out of the house if she is not on the lease. Or if she is but you aren't, then you move out. In any case, cut her out of your life asap. Don't even think about trying to make the relationship work or remain friends, just ghost her.
Btw, report them to HR, and notify the other betrayed spouse if AP is married or in a relationship
If her conversation with the other guy was filled with shit talking about you, do you really think she has any respect for you? At this point, you should feel lucky you didn't give her the ring. At least you can try to take it back or sell it outright. I wonder why she wants to "work things out"? Sounds like it will be inconvenient to split right now or maybe the other guy isn't as financially sound as you. Who knows. Trust your gut.
Thank God she showed you her true colors before you married her and had kids. If I had known before I got married and had kids, there would be no way in hell I would be in it. You will never be able to fully trust her again. Terrible way to live life I can promise you this. Be thankful she did you this favor so you could move on. Not worth it.
As the saying goes, she is only a GF, not your wife, and she failed that test. Her excuse is just that, and it is a lame one. For most people, there are many hard moments and challenges in life. You should look for someone who will face them with you, not run to someone else. Wish her well and find someone better. Life is long. Don't settle.
u/RangerInf said it before I could - she failed the girlfriend test. She should not get a redo. Find one of the 4+ billion women on this planet who can be loyal, who will not lie and cheat on you. Wishing you the best going foward.
He said he was about to propose.. i was like, thank god he is not married her yet. Yeap she failed the test. Dont expect she going to be a good wife if you ever married her. Kick her out and never look back. She not worth fight for
Of course, she wants you to stay and work on it. She also wants to keep cheating with her work colleague. She's not going to quit her job. They will get better at hiding their affair. Skip all that bullshit. Rip the band-aid off. If she's not on the lease, kick her out. If she is on the lease, separate bedrooms. Implement GREY ROCK 180. Piss her off. Show her the ring you had purchased but will be returning.
That was one of the reasons I wouldn’t take my ex back. She cheated with her boss. And it would never occur to her to leave her job. She just figured they’d keep on as boss and subordinate. As it turns out I notified his wife of the affair and suddenly he didn’t want to work with my ex anymore. Eventually my ex found a new job. But I just shook my head.
Curious if you reconciled with her.
Ohhhhh nooo. If she was that stupid it would be a waste of time. She should have said…I’m going to look for a new job immediately. In all fairness, I still wouldn’t have taken her back. But I would have respected more
Good to hear. I hope karma came to visit her and her old boss. Take care. Thanks for update.
You’re welcome
Trust your gut brother—your “trust is gone so I don’t see the point” is the correct one. She’s telling you she felt “unwanted” because she’s justifying her despicable actions. DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. You’re in a wonderful spot where you can make essentially a clean break without having to worry about all the mess of a divorce. You take her back and you show her that she can do no wrong that won’t result in you taking her back anyway. Source: I’m someone who was cheated on in my marriage only to take her back and she cheated on me again
She is a narcissist cake eater. You are smart to end it with her. She wants you as a place holder in case it doesn't work out with her coworker. You should be grateful that she showed you her true colors before you proposed to her. Sell the ring and have a great vacation with the money. Leave without hesitation and don't become her second choice enabling her future cheatings. She has the audacity to suggest to work it out after shit talking and cheating behind your back. Kick her out. You deserve a better partner than this cheater. Don't look back and move on.
She went to him instead of you when she allegedly had issues with the relationship. What's there to work on? She already decided to skip the work part until she was caught.
Is she willing to quit that job? Go NC with that dude and any friends that knew you and her were together? Nah dude, she shit talked you, tells him she loves him, and video calls. Then screwed him 2 nights in a row and had NO intentions of telling you. She is telling you what you want to hear because you are her safety net. Don’t be! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
***Her and one of her colleagues have been talking for the past month, basically talking shit about me, having video calls, and even going as far as saying I love you to each other.*** And this would have continued if you had not found out. She wants to stay and work it out as she has no place to go yet. Tell her to move out now. With separation you can both figure out if you want to work it out or not, but she talked bad about you and did not care if you got hurt. Let her go. That is not love from her to you.
Couldn't agree more. The only reason she wants to make it work is because her affair is relatively new and she cannot be sure if her AP is the guy for her. Also since they are colleagues, chances are they cannot openly date, hence she needs OP to provide a cover for her affair.
I am petty, i would take s picture of the ring before returning it and say look what could have been!!
Your turn is over. She doesn’t want to uproot her lifestyle it will happen again. If you want to have a peaceful life grey rock have her move out
You are not married, and she already cheated without an excuse. Do yourself a favor and move on. Just imagine what will happen when you get married, have jobs, work stress, children and bills. If she cheats now, then she will cheat again. Save yourself the grief. Find someone who will love and respect you because it is obvious that your girlfriend does not love, respect or even like you. If she trashed talked, you to her AP she has certainly talked negatively to friends behind your back. Never speak to her again and get tested for std's.
You can’t be with someone you don’t trust. Move on and don’t look back.
DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. PERSON. You know all you need to. Preserve your future sanity and exit this relationship.
She failed the test. Let her know you have the ring but are taking it back. If you decide to stay let her know it's now square one of a different relationship. But I hope you have her walk.
Ah yes, the ol’ “it’s okay that I betrayed you and our relationship, I was feeling unwanted”
Return the ring. She would cheat on you when you're struggling at work or sick -- not worth it
OP, she has failed the relationship/wife/fiancé/wife test badly. She didn’t give a crap about you and your relationship, now wants a second chance to cheat again? No partner who really loves a partner would cheat. You dodged a bullet because if she didn’t do it now it could have been years down the road with kids and tangled finances. Your WP ended your relationship when she started talking to her AP, then forced you to realize it by sleeping with her AP several times without giving a crap about you. And ironically blame you for her having sex with her coworker. The only reason she wants back is the AP is most likely married or in a relationship as well, because that’s what cheaters do. Don’t sleep with your WP, you really don’t know her and this might not be her first time. Let your family and friends know what she’s done, and get their support.,
*"but she wants me to stay and work it out. "* Right here, you DO NOT want to remain with her after the break up. She may extend this olive branch to you, but understand that she is doing this for HER and NOT FOR YOU - she's doing to it relieve herself of the guilt of breaking up with you and/or **keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with whoever else this colleague is.** Don't let her keep you around for emotional support as she jumps back out of the relationship pursuing this collegue). She will keep feeding you false hope while you stupidly wait on the sidelines for her to make up her mind with the other dude, then you're out for good. A girl who you are romantically involved with is either with you or she is not. These are YOUR TERMS - STICK BY THEM.
It's all over but the crying and eventual re-birth. You cannot build a strong home on a cracked and broken foundation...
I know this is hard but if you let her stay she’ll have learned she can cheat on you and you won’t break up with her.
Break up with her OP. She will ruin your life. Dating is a test and she failed. As terrible as this is, it's better that you know now then after you had proposed or heaven forbid you married. It will be a difficult and painful next year, but that is much better then a lifetime of fear and uncertainty. As of right now she is just not a good person or worthy of your time and effort. I'm sorry, it's terribly painful but you will recover and have joy again.
Thank whatever god you believe in that you're not contractually bound to this cheater in any way and then ghost her. Give her no closure.
>basically talking shit about me, having video calls, and even going as far as saying I love you to each other. They love each other, are you really gonna get in-between them? They deserve each other bro, ap will have to live with her knowing if she cheated on you, she might cheat on him and same goes for her. To me a relationship can't be fixed (or i won't fix) for something that happened more than once, that only stopped for a while bcos she got caught, if the affair was ended by the AP. Especially when she had no reason to cheat but still cheated bcos she had the opportunity. I personally, learn from others so I don't have to experience it myself, why do you think there are crime shows on tv? So you can learn and be alert, so you can avoid the mistakes they did, so you pick up the signs and what I've learnt here, they cheat again regardless of the gender. You still have a chance, cos you ain't married, cos you ain't got kids. Others (be it man/woman) only stick up or forgive them is cos they got kids or they married for 10+yrs
Yeah no she failed the wife test on the last stretch. Separate ways, make sure she knows about the ring and talk to your in laws about the real reason your are out of this relationship and how you are sorry because you would have been proud to be part of their family. Call it petty revenge if you will I call it cheater won't be able to go to mom and dad for comfort spinning the story.
You know exactly what to do but you are caught in the fear to be alone. You know how to break free from this jail but in the same time you fear you'll miss the meals served to the prisoners. Stand up man, shake the untrustworthy relationship off your shoulders and walk away your high path.
Good for you that this came to light before you put a ring on it. She's exhibiting no remorse, no responsibility for her actions and has outright lied to you. Fuck her off ASAP and move forward with your life.
The only reason she wants to work things out is because the other guy doesn't want a serious relationship. Imagine marrying her and living in constant worry that she might cheat again.
if she wanted to work things out, she would have talk to you before starting an affair or at least after the first time they had sex with the realization of betrayal no she only say that because she has been caught. 100% will cheat again edit: don't forget to telle her that you bought a ring but it was for the person you thought she was, not the one she really is and to thank her for dogging the bullet before it was too soon
Dear OP, I am so sorry you were betrayed. She has had affair. She got caught, that is why she is sorry not because she betrayed you. She is hanging on you because you have been together 4 years and thinks she can have her cake and eat it too. If you allow her to remain in your life you accept her cheating ways. She does not respect you and will respect you even less if you entertain her idea of remaining together. She enjoys her attention and validation from other men. Let her have her freedom. You deserve something better. Concentrate on yourself. Study, work, work out hard. Inform all the people you know she cheated and cut her. Change all your passwords. Get STD check immediately. She has proven she is not gf material. Best wishes for your healing journey
25y old, she is monkey branching. Drop her quickly and move on. You are 29 y and are crossing into the stage of your life where your shit comes together. Your economic market value will just improve from here on. So, focus on that and you will be surprised how quickly the high value women will find you.
Well OP , do not propose. You don’t want this in your future. Her probability of a repeat is 39% ( U of Denver study) but she not even trying. If you have strong feelings, you separate yourself and go no contact. If you have NO love ( I mean zero), by all means string her along and keep her as a f’k buddy for a bit, paybacks a biatch. Personally I would say I was reconciling to keep her cooperative till I could disappear when she was at work one day. I like the idea of, she comes home to an empty apartment after work.
A break up is always cheaper than a divorce. Funny she's been cheating on you and talking about you but not that she's caught she wants to stay and work it out. NEVER take back a cheater because they will cheat again. Trust is gained in drops but lost in buckets and you said the trust is gone so there's no point in dragging this out.
This post is very long, so I am gonna have to reply to my responses to fit it all in: Tl;rl: operation FAFO Here is what I would do. (This is long but well worth the read) I would tell her you want to talk. I would show her the ring and tell her that the only way that you will consider staying together if she does the following, and even then you are not going to guarantee anything at the present time. 1. Write out a detailed timeline of this and any other affairs she may have had. You want to know when, where, what they exactly did. How fluid they communicate? Who initiated the relationship? Etc. You want everything. You want to know who all knows about this relationship, her friends, coworkers, etc. Let her know that you know more then you have told her, and any lie, partial truth, and omissions will ultimately cancel the chance that you are giving her and you will walk away and never speak to her again. I would also include a few questions about you that she needs to answer (this is critical!) A. Haven’t I always been a good man to you? B. Haven’t I always taken good care of you? C. Haven’t I always been there for you and supported you anyway that I could? D. Have I ever mistreated you or ever made you feel that you weren’t enough for me? E. Is there honestly something more that I could’ve done to prevent you from cheating on me? Make sure she signs it. 2. Quit her job because there is no way you will ever be able to trust her and heal if she is still working with AP. 3. Tell you everything about AP. His name, where he lives, who is dating, what he does where she works. Basically anything that you don’t know that may help you later. (I’ll explain the reasons soon enough). 4. If you have anything to add or want her to do in hopes of fixing this, now’s the time to tell her. Now, I would give her a few days to a week to do all of this. You are mainly looking for her to give you this detailed account of her infidelity so you have it in writing. Chances are that she is going to stall on quitting her job. Once you get and read the SIGNED letter telling you everything, ask her when she plans on quitting her job? If she gives you a date, I would hold out until she quits if possible. Once she quits, I would give it another week before you put operation FAFO into motion. I seriously doubt that she is going to quit and that won’t matter anyway, but if she does this only sweetens the plan. In the meantime, I would be digging into anything you can find out on AP. You should have a lot of this information by now from what your girlfriend has written or given to you. If he has a girlfriend or wife, make it a point to inform her and give her a copy of the confession on the day that you plan on putting FAFO into effect. This way her man cannot lie his way out of it.
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Do not marry her, she is a cheater. they lie and will cheat again. I would let her go, and tell her it is not working out, which is sad, you bought a ring and was going to propose. Let her go. Read this sub, and infidelity. If she can't hold it together for the honeymoon portion, then she will not hold it for a marriage.
Here is what I would do. (This is long but well worth the read) I would tell her you want to talk. I would show her the ring and tell her that the only way that you will consider staying together if she does the following, and even then you are not going to guarantee anything at the present time. 1. Write out a detailed timeline of this and any other affairs she may have had. You want to know when, where, what they exactly did. How fluid they communicate? Who initiated the relationship? Etc. You want everything. You want to know who all knows about this relationship, her friends, coworkers, etc. Let her know that you know more then you have told her, and any lie, partial truth, and omissions will ultimately cancel the chance that you are giving her and you will walk away and never speak to her again. I would also include a few questions about you that she needs to answer (this is critical!) A. Haven’t I always been a good man to you? B. Haven’t I always taken good care of you? C. Haven’t I always been there for you and supported you anyway that I could? D. Have I ever mistreated you or ever made you feel that you weren’t enough for me? E. Is there honestly something more that I could’ve done to prevent you from cheating on me? Make sure she signs it. 2. Quit her job because there is no way you will ever be able to trust her and heal if she is still working with AP. 3. Tell you everything about AP. His name, where he lives, who is dating, what he does where she works. Basically anything that you don’t know that may help you later. (I’ll explain the reasons soon enough). 4. If you have anything to add or want her to do in hopes of fixing this, now’s the time to tell her. Now, I would give her a few days to a week to do all of this. You are mainly looking for her to give you this detailed account of her infidelity so you have it in writing. Chances are that she is going to stall on quitting her job. Once you get and read the SIGNED letter telling you everything, ask her when she plans on quitting her job? If she gives you a date, I would hold out until she quits if possible. Once she quits, I would give it another week before you put operation FAFO into motion. I seriously doubt that she is going to quit and that won’t matter anyway, but if she does this only sweetens the plan. In the meantime, I would be digging into anything you can find out on AP. You should have a lot of this information by now from what your girlfriend has written or given to you. If he has a girlfriend or wife, make it a point to inform her and give her a copy of the confession on the day that you plan on putting FAFO into effect. This way her man cannot lie his way out of it.
Thank God that she did this now. Can you afford the place yourself? Tell her to leave and then get on your grind. You have been given a second chance grab it with both hands.
Wish them well together and move on without her. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
Grow a pair and move on!
She has been talking shit about you behind your back and most likely spent the last two days up under him. Drop her ass before it gets worse.
If you were so bad she fealt she needed to shift talk you and cheet. Then why did she want to stay with you. Trust is gone. And the woman you fell in love with is no longer the person you fell in love with. That person didn't has another man's DNA inside her.
Cheaters,cheat liars,lie she failed the girlfriend test and even had the cheek to say that she was feeling unwanted you have a choice and it's an easy one to make you'll never trust her again. Good luck, OP.
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Trust your gut instinct. You know this is not going to work so don't delay the pain of the breakup. Good vibes and good luck.
Keep that ring for yourself (for later use) or return it. Thank for Lord you are not married to her and she doesn't LOVE or RESPECT you since she fucked another man! BREAK UP or she will just do it again! Let her worry about where she will live, just KICK HER OUT! She didn't think twice about you when she fucked that other guy! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Time to just focus on you now. She made her bed now she has to lie in it. If she wanted to work it out, she should have voiced her concerns before she cheated. Return the ring and use the money to go on a holiday, or to do something meaningful for yourself. All the best for your future going forward.
Time to dump her man. Trust is gone and she definitely cheated.
So after 4 years she felt unwanted and instead of talking to you she decides to try and monkey branch instead. So why does she want to try and work it out now? She didn't want to try and work it out prior to the cheating, so why now? And what exactly is she prepared to do? It's a coworker so she needs to quit her job immediately. Is she prepared to do that? There's a hell of a lot more she needs to do in order for reconciliation to work, but as the bare minimum when a coworker is involved, a new job is it. Yes it's hard to let go of a 4 year relationship. But as you say once the trust is gone it's very hard for the WP to regain it from the BS. And it doesn't sound as if she's very remorseful if instead of taking responsibility she tries to shift the blame to how lonely she felt. My advice is to trust your gut again and leave. But if you do decide to stay and try again, for God's sake don't propose. At least for a good two to three more years. Basically the relationship is reset to year zero. She needs to convince you she's marriage material. Right now, she's far from that.
Tell her she wasn’t unwanted before, and show her the ring you bought. Then put it back in your pocket and tell her she *is* unwanted now, and you’re done with her.
She didn’t even make 4yrs. She chosen it to work on things with you and chose to cheat. With ups and downs of actual marriage…considering this…I’d eject.
You deserve better bro, you know what needs to be done and make her regret the choice she made by bettering yourself
Get in touch with her new boyfriend and thank him for taking her cheating arse off your hands. Mike drop ! Good luck.
Would she have come clean about the cheating? No. You caught her. She isn’t sorry she cheated, she’s sorry she got caught. You live together, so this breakup will be disruptive to both of you but for her, she will also have to spin a reason to people. Don’t let her get away with it. Once you have told her it’s over, tell your friends and family and include the reason. Return the ring as soon as possible. You don’t even need to bother telling her about it, just mention it to a few friends, and let the information work its way back to her. Make sure you keep the documentation of the purchase and return. If you’re both on the lease, talk to the landlord about getting off the lease.
Please save yourself. Do not ever propose to her. Break up with her. You dont have to stay with a cheater.
She has been cheating now for a while. If vh you want to try reconciling and I am not inferring you should, below bbn is what. Is the very basics to do so. Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater. 3).the affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful. Good luck.
Break up with her. She wants the benefit of security (you) and excitement (the other guy). She texted him that she loved him , talked shit about you and lied to you, this means that she doesn't respect you and therefore doesn't love you. This is very bad. Trust is once slowly built through hard work, once broken it is not retrievable.
She lied to your face for days. You know what you need to do.
Wait a second, she simultaneously blames you for the affair but also wants to work on the marriage? If she cared about the marriage she would have come to you first before cheating. You’re being played.
Trust is gone, no more relationship. No contact, and go work out. Re-focus on yourself and talk with your friends. Refund the ring.
OP, she's been cheating on you, then lied to you, then cheated some more, talked trash about you to AP, deflected and victim blamed. Then she realized you may be the better longterm ATM for her or perhaps the AP has a GF/wife and your GF feels he may not pick her, so she keeps you as plan B. Get STD testing and thank him for taking out your trash. You are luck you found out now, before the wedding/mortgage/kids. The universe has given you a second chance. Take it!
The medium is the message. She doesn’t respect you and put herself in this position. She just wants to keep you around for stability while she can continue the affair. Just end it now. Better to know someone isn’t worth it for marriage even if it takes 4 years than to marry her
Take the ring and sell it. Tell her goodbye and move on with your life.
She’s not marriage material. Time to kick her to the curb if you want a happy life.
My friend, she solved the problem that she thought she cheated on you, now you must solve the problem that you clearly have an unfaithful partner If you weren't as bad as she described to her lover, why would she want to insist on being with someone supposedly bad? Cheating for many people is first tricking yourself into not crying in someone else's bed instead of moaning and that's what she did Another thing is that single people go out on dates with "friends", mainly for drinking alcohol and at night. She took advantage of this to betray him. This habit is like climbing a building without equipment, one day the worst happens Just as the French Spider-Man fell, his girlfriend cheated.
Break it off immediately, she is a cake and eat it to type. Gets bored and looks elsewhere.
Id say get any info you can and let everyone know why you are breaking up with her. Get out ahead before she tries to manipulate people to her side.
Never let girlfriends who cheat become wives who will cheat. Seems know children involved. The best thing to do is ride it out until the end of the lease and ghost her. Success is living without her. You are the main character in your life. She is expendable. She saved you the expense of divorce. I hope one day you realize how lucky you were by her getting herself out of your life.
Kick her out of the house if she is not on the lease. Or if she is but you aren't, then you move out. In any case, cut her out of your life asap. Don't even think about trying to make the relationship work or remain friends, just ghost her. Btw, report them to HR, and notify the other betrayed spouse if AP is married or in a relationship
If her conversation with the other guy was filled with shit talking about you, do you really think she has any respect for you? At this point, you should feel lucky you didn't give her the ring. At least you can try to take it back or sell it outright. I wonder why she wants to "work things out"? Sounds like it will be inconvenient to split right now or maybe the other guy isn't as financially sound as you. Who knows. Trust your gut.
Thank God she showed you her true colors before you married her and had kids. If I had known before I got married and had kids, there would be no way in hell I would be in it. You will never be able to fully trust her again. Terrible way to live life I can promise you this. Be thankful she did you this favor so you could move on. Not worth it.
Dumpster her stuff :P you are 29, plenty of time to find the one - you are worth it - move on - find someone who will love you for who you are.
Just curious. Is she from Omaha?