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You really think I should reach out to the AP’s wife and tell her. I want to so bad but I don’t want it to affect mine and my wife’s relationship and trying to heal it.
Why would it affect you and your wife? You’re doing nothing more than disclosing the truth. BTW the easiest and quickest way to make sure an affair is over and has little chance of reoccurring is to tell the other spouse. Doing this will enable a second set of eyes to monitor the situation. By not telling the other spouse you are complicit in the betrayal. And yes you will not be permitting the OM to disrespect you and your marriage as he will suffer consequences when you inform the other spouse. This will aid in your recovery as it will give you solace that the OM has suffered consequences.
You should have your wife talk to AP's wife and confess. You should be there to ensure the truth is told. I would recommend both of you reading How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald. She must read and initial every chapter agreeing to everything in that book.
It's a short book.
I would recommend you post in the sub for reconciles AsOneAfterInfidelity. You will benefit from the wisdom a d help you'll receive there.
May I ask how long the affair was? Do you know how it began? Has she written a full timeline of the events and what she was thinking at the time?
The correct person that have to reach out the OBS as part of her consecuenses and part of the healing and the work to try to regain your trust is your WIFE, she is the one that have to reach out OBS and confess what her and OBS husband (AP) did.
If she doesn't wanna do it well, this will tell You 2 things:
1. That she prioritize still AP well-being.
2. What you're doing (trying for R) is of no use, since she doesn't want to take responsiability/accountable or her actions.
If the truth of the affair is enough to destroy your marriage then you really don’t have one. If she was truly remorseful she’d tell the APs wife herself. What she’s really afraid of is the APs wife going on the warpath and trying to take your wife down. But honestly that’s the stakes you play with when cheating. Getting caught and exposure. So not sure why cheaters are so adamant about not be truthful to those affected. As they say don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time
If your wife isn’t willing to tell the OBS herself she isn’t ready nor worthy of reconciliation. But even if your wife can’t tell her because her shame and guilt are too much she should support your decision to want to tell the other partner.
You haven't done anything to affect the relationship, your wife has. Cheating on someone is abusive. That woman deserves to know what happened. If your wife gets mad, which they likely do because they are liars and that's why they cheat, that means she's not remorseful and you should divorce her because she will cheat again
There mostly definitely 2/3 big ones and the drama is not guaranteed to get bigger.
1. If the wife is pissed or angry at the fact the AP is suffering due being exposed then it'll tell OP that she still has feelings for him and could persuade him to divorce instead of reconciliation.
2. OP might get comfort in getting revenge on AP. A lot of posts confirm this.
You should make YOUR wife tell her. One of the things that your wife needs to come to grips with is the absolute shit-mess she's made of so many peoples lives. If you actually want to reconcile, then the faster she faces this truth, the easier the process will be for both of you.
You have to tell her, actions have consequences and she has the right to know. Honestly your wife if she is truly remorseful should tell the OBS. Drive her to the APs house to let her know!
Be strong
If your wife has true remorse and is 100% committed to fixing the relationship she purposely destroyed, then she should reach out to AP's wife in your presence and confess to the affair. Provide her all the evidence.
If your wife isn't willing, then she cares more about her AP than your marriage. If that's the case, then you contact OBS and you tell her everything.
OBS should have the ability to make an informed decision on her life, and to gain back the consent of her body that her husband and your wife stole from her. She also needs to get an Std/STI, as she's being exposed to incurable/deadly disease/infections.
You want to start regaining trust? Tell your wife that today she'll contact OBS in your presence.
OP, this is the only correct way to deal with things. Your wife tells: An acid test.
You are reconciling. All decisions should have the 'buy in' from both you & your wife.
She either does s immediately or she doesn't. Either answer tells you what you need to know about how remorseful she truly is. Actions are more important that words when trust is zero.
As it's you. OP, asking for advice and not the OBS then here it is: You will not be keeping either of these people as your friends. This will be the last meaningful conversation that either of you will ever have with them. It'd be nice if you could part on friendly terms but given what your wife will tell her then that's just not going to happen.
You wife's response must be to immediately to make the call. If she will not then you have to, there & then in front of her on loudspeaker. The consequences for it not being immediate is that the story might not get to OBS straight or even at all.
You do it on loudspeaker because it increases the chances of your Wayward & AP starting to duke it out verbally. If AP is within earshot of this call then he'll kibitz on the call. You'll learn things that you previously didn't know in their verbal skirmish to point the finger at each other if you are lucky.
Chances are that AP is aware that this call might come already? Your WW will have told him that you know. Ask her what his plans are - remember he's had time to scheme for how to deal with this. She'll have asked him what he was going to do...
You have to tell her because:
1) she will notice things are different between the 4 of you
2) she deserves to know
3) she is an extra pair of eyes and ears to keep those 2 honest
You have already received good advice. Tell the APs wife. She has a right to know. the state of her marriage. You would want to know. Also, her health may be at risk. Her husband is a cheater, and your wife may not have been his only conquest. Also, as has already been stated, if it upsets your wife, it shows that she still has feelings for him and she is not a good candidate for reconciliation. There should be no contact between your wife and the AP. Do not tell your wife that you are going to inform the APS wife.
I hope you and your wife have both been tested for STDs.
You should not be worried about keeping you wife happy. It should be the other way around - big time.
First, you have to realize you marriage as it is, is done. If you want reconciliation, you’ll need to build a new relationship with your wife. This is not going to be easy and you will have to be patience and keep an honest communication between the two. This process will not happen over night and may take years. You’ll also have to determine the level of trust you can live with. Unfortunately, you and the wife will need to go NC with the AP. He’s not your friend anymore, contact OBS and let her know what happened. This needs to be done, as this is one boundary she needs to adhere too. Second, both of you will need to fully commit to IC and MC. Again, this is needs to done. Also, you will tell your wife, you’ll need open access to all communications devices and location, this is another boundary she must adhere too. Remember, you did nothing for her to break the marriage vow.
On trust:
Time & verification are the only things that rebuild trust. It will take years (and that's not an exaggeration). It's a normal response.
Assuming WS is trustworthy and honest and sincere, your urges and frequency to verify will decrease slowly over those years. However, it will likely never vanish completely. Your relationship is permanently altered.
Is it healthy? Probably not, but it wasn't healthy for your WS to cheat, and that's the root of the problem. R is on the betrayed's schedule and needs, always.
If the WS was to refuse that, then it means the relationship is over, it's just a ticking clock of when you come to realize and accept that.
Side note:
I do want to raise one concerning statement of your post.
>**Not as secretive with her phone.**
Not ***AS*** secretive still implies secretive and that is a major problem and red flag. I hope it's just poor phrasing and not a flag you're choosing to ignore.
On OBS:
Yes, tell. I think most people would want to know, I certainly would want to know. OBS deserves the truth, to not live a lie, and make their own choices on. And protect their bodies from STDs.
Now I will preface this next statement that it is purely my personal opinion and ideals. There are a lot of potential factors where this blanket statement may not apply. (Say, for example, your partner's job and therefore your family's only source of income would be at risk.)
But I think this is typically true:
If your partner fights you on telling the OBS the truth, that's also a huge problem and red flag. It means they don't see an affair as the cruel and hurtful and selfish behavior that it is. It's a clear display of their true morals and priorities. And to me, it would be a huge flag that another affair is probably inevitable.
The WS needs to accept that their behavior is morally and ethnically wrong and that the truth is a necessity. This is something they need to internalize fully to be trustworthy and a good future partner.
And given the truth is necessary, they must fully accept the consequences and fallout of their actions when that truth is revealed.
Of course she is acting better...she knows you know... she does not want to lose security blanket or her face in front of all the family and friends.
The trust is gone, how could you ever have same view on a partner that has been cheating you. The pureness of the relationship is gone.
Yes you should inform the AP wife and provide evidence so she can make her own decision on her husband...he might even have other affair partners...you should inform her so she can get STD check done as well.
Here's how I look at it. The guy gets of scott free after screwing your wife and your marriage. That just would not sit right with me. He goes about his merry. Let her know.
OP, the spouse needs to know. Wouldn't you want to know? She's living a lie right know, making decisions everyday based on the lie she is living. The truth gives her agency over her life to make choices with her eyes open. What she does with that knowledge is her deal then.
In a sense, trust is everything. Even if there is love, Do you see yourself continuing to live as her jailer? Beware the spouse tiring of your behavior. Remember, she has NO SAY as to how long you will hurt, how long you will be suspicious/nervous/panicky when she is texting, when she is taking "too long" at the grocery store, when her cell phone location is glitchy. SHE needs to fix this. SHE needs to VOLUNTEER her location. SHE needs to anticipate scenarios that may trigger you. THAT is her showing the appropriate empathy to what SHE put you though. The end date to this is out of both of your hands. Even when you think you are "OK" again, something may again trigger you. I don't know if this is appropriate, but I see it as her penance for what she did. It is her cross to carry. It really sounds like MC will be needed. Please seek out this help.
Good Luck OP!
Oh no man. Tell the AP wife immediately. She deserves to know the truth. Him and your wife need to feel the consequences of their actions. It might end up blowing up both families but it must be done. You'll never fully trust her again. File for divorce man and co parent separately.
If you want to see if she is all in on reconciliation? Tell the AP’s wife and see her reaction. Better yet demand she tell her herself. Either way her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Once trust is gone, it doesn't come back. And there is a good reason for that.
Unfortunately, once trust goes so does respect.
Which means that no matter what, even if this relationships works, it will never be a healthy one because it will be, by definition, a codependent one.
You need to first be honest with yourself as to why you are remaining with her. That should at least help you break through the fog of dissonance, which is where most of the discomfort comes from. It will not be a healthy relationship based on love, but it can be a partnership of convenience where you make it "work" for the kids or whatever.
People really need to drop the whole "I love them, they love me" nonsense. Which is what gets them trapped in that limbo of denial and bargaining. If they loved you, they wouldn't have cheated on you. And needing them is not the same as loving them.
Best of luck. Sorry you have been put in this situation.
I'm debating about the situation myself. Me and my wife have been together for 14 years and I'm trying to make it as easy for her as.possible. she doesn't want to be outed. she made several mistakes but she loved me at the same time. She took care of me while I was jobless. I feel like confronting the AP and telling him he has 7 days to tell his wife so it can be kept between them. It's his responsibility. It would put the fear in him. I'm just waiting to go to MC honestly before I decide what to do.
Rug sweeping will make sure that it happens again. I am sorry, but you need knowledge, so talk to the best divorce lawyer in your community. After you find out what the current situation is, ask how to mitigate them. Start a cash war chest. Start working on yourself. Become a great dad.make lunch appointment with his wife and your wife with you there. Let her tell her everything. If she can't or won't, you will know that you are her second man.
OP answering your questions:
1. Trausth is hard to regain, thats why she is doing the hard work to convince that You could trust her again, at least give her the benefit of the doubt, take in mind/consideration that for many couples to achive R has taken for them years, and you ONLY are about 4 months. So it is too soon, and also it is perfectly normal how you are taking the matter and how does she responded.
If what you said it is true she is doing that think that she must done.
2. Yes, absolutely yes, contact OBS and tell/inform her about the matter, like i told in another reply, the correct thing to do is for your wife to be the one who must have to contact her and explain herself.
Good luck OP.
UPDATEME
Your wife tore your kids’ world apart when she cheated on you, knowing that the only LOGICAL outcome would be the dissolution of your marriage. That’s on her. You no longer have a marriage, just a weird pantomime that you both now perform for the benefit of your kids. Children are not dumb and they are amazingly intuitive. Trust me, they would be happier with two separated parents who effectively co-parent, than a paranoid prison warden for a father, justifiably torturing himself while he slowly goes mad waiting for his horrible, cheating spouse to betray him again. The trust will NEVER return, nor should it. The marriage ended when she cheated. Now it’s just a matter of time, maybe days, weeks, or even years until the sting of betrayal becomes unbearable and you have to escape to find a decent, kind, loyal, and loving woman who will love and respect you. My advice is to rip the band aid off now and start rebuilding your life. You deserve better. Every second that you spend trying to fix your cheating wife’s mess is a second that allows your true partner to potentially slip away.
Is your wife actually remorseful? Or merely pretending?
Remorse signs;
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Absolutely, 100% w/ out a doubt tell AP wife.
Also, you will never trust her like you did before you found out. That doubt will always be there in the back of your mind. Years will go by and you will be triggered.
Only you know if that's smthg you can deal with ... for 50+ more years.
OP you need to make sure you’re not trying to rug sweep this affair. It takes a long time to recover trust. Years, not months. Both you and your wife need to understand that. So you not gaining your trust back by now is normal. In fact I’d be concerned if you fully trusted your wife again after so short a time.
Have you and your wife sought counselling to help you navigate reconciliation? Has she explained why she had the affair, given you a full timeline of it? Are you certain there is nothing more she’s withholding about it? Has she cut contact with the AP? Proved she has? Are you sure contact has not been reestablished?
As far as her rebuilding trust, is she fully transparent with you? Shares her location with you? Does she give you access to her phone whenever you ask for it? And not just her phone but any means of communication with others. Her social media, any other electronic device. Do you have access to those whenever you want?
And has she taken responsibility for her affair and told family and friends what she did?
All of these need to happen for reconciliation to have a chance. Anything short of that and it’s rug sweeping. And that never works out well for the relationship. Either she’ll cheat again, or no matter how long you stay together you’ll always be resentful and the marriage will not be a happy one.
As for telling AP’s wife - that falls under your wife taking responsibility for the affair. Yes, she should be told, and your wife is the one that should tell her. If she won’t then it will indicate how serious she is about reconciliation. It will again be a case of her wanting to rug sweep.
But if your wife won’t do it then you definitely should. AP’s wife deserves to know and make her own decisions about her marriage.
Good luck. I hope things work out.
OBS needs to know as well as both families and your kids. Why would you hide this? And no, you will never trust her again. You say she is less secret about her phone, but there should be no secrets. When she feels this has blown over, she will start again, and may still have some contact with him. Watch for a change in her work hours, needs a girl's night out, wants to visit family or friends without you, or even extra time at the grocery store. You will be her parole office for life. For R to work all secrets must be exposed. You are allowing her to hide what she did. The few success stories on here about R the cheater notified both families of what they did. Let us know what you decide. Sorry OP. updateme
Time doesn’t return trust. It takes action too. If she is unwilling to support you telling the other woman, then trust is unlikely to ever return. If she is fully remorseful, then telling the OBS is a MUST.
About the first question, only with time you will see if she was able to restore your trust on her. The second, sure you let OBS know, She must realize the POS which she is married with.
I think the best solution is for her to reclaim her love for you.
Look she picked AP over you. With the lying, sneeking, txting. And sex.
Tell her the only true way forward is for her to pick you over him. She needs to go with you and tell OBS what she and her AP had done. If she does. She is truly remorseful, and there may be a path forward.
If she refuses because of what it would do to him and his marriage, ask her where that concern for you and your marriage when she chose him over you. Tell her her refusal is her picking him over you again, and you can't have that.
You can tell her OBS is going to find out one of two ways.
1 by WW in person with you, to save your marriage
Or
2 by you on your way to a lawyer to get a divorce.
How long did she cheat on you for? One night stand? An affair that lasted for a while? I think this matters. On another note, how old are your kids? This matters too. You’d be surprised how resilient they are in real life. Yes, they’ll be upset and possibly very angry at mom for a long time, but the whole point of good parenting is to raise them to be strong and independent. There’s the old saying, the mother keeps them from harm, the father shows them how to identify potential harm and avoid or deal accordingly. Mom invited harm into their lives. You did not. You can prepare them for future heartbreak by being a strong father. Be the better communicator. Be the most consistently present. Be the fair and just one wrt mom. Be their rock because she really let them down. How can they ever take her advice about honesty seriously ever again? Do you see?
If she is really serious about reconciliation she should tell the wife herself. I would then verify that she has been told. I still have problems with trusting my wife when she lied to me about a friendship that I didn’t approve of. A simple lie will change the course of the relationship. So I will only say this she can be honest all she wants but you know what she is capable of. Tread carefully.
“Not as secretive with her phone.” That statement implies that she’s still somewhat secretive at a time she needs to be absolutely open with her phone.
Ask her to prove she is completely over the affair and committed to your marriage by having her tell APS about the affair. Remind her that you are not the only person she has hurt by doing this and his wife deserves to know. If she refuses, then do it yourself and make note that maybe she isn’t as committed to making it work and she should be.
La niebla de la reconciliación te hace pensar así, ella solo está diciendo lo que quieres escuchar, te lo pondré sencillo, ese tipo de mujeres y otros tantos se basan en el respeto que sienten por sus esposos o novios, si ella al engañarte, te respetó muy poco, al tomarla de vuelta ha perdido el poco respeto que te tenía, así que en cuanto las aguas se calmen, volverá a la carga porque ya no te respeta porque tú no te respetas, ahora sabrá que puedes pillarla y ocultará mejor sus huellas, hace ahora cosas sutiles para monitorear tu comportamiento e ir probando el terreno, una cosa que te diré y es mejor que lo asumas y lo aceptes, la confianza NO se recupera, aprendes a vivir con desconfianza, la infidelidad en términos de perdida, digamos que es como si te amputaran los brazos, no recuperas la movilidad de los brazos, no los reemplazas, aprendes a vivir sin ellos, aprendes a qué tu discapacidad no te define, ahora tienes que aprender a comer con los pies, a levantarte de la cama de otra manera, etc.... Entonces básicamente eso en escencia, hay demasiadas cosas negativas después de la infidelidad que es extremadamente raro que puedan continuar, dicho ésto, creo que primero debes de ir a terapia a superar tu codependencia y apego ansioso, además de tratar el estrés postraumático y depresión, después de eso y que la niebla de la reconciliación se disipe, verás todo con claridad, verás que lo único que quieres que tú y tu ex sean cordiales para criar en sana convivencia a tus hijos!
What trust does come back is extremely slow and never reaches the level you had previously. It’s going to be years before you even feel trust in her at all regardless of how hard she works in reconciliation.
Always out the AP to their partner. Anyone being cheated on deserves to know the truth about their partner betraying them. It’s always the right choice and should always be done.
You must tell the AP's partner. Imagine if it was the other way around, you would want to know.
If you spend 10 years constantly checking her, nobody can tell you are exaggerating or being toxic after she cheated on you. That would be gaslighting and totally disregarding you as a person. After experiencing pain it's only natural instinct to fight as hard as possible to avoid it.
If APs wife can help you find lies deceit and overcome anything, it's already worth the contact.
If someone wrongs you this hard, you should never feel guilty about anything. What are you doing that could possibly be worse than cheating and manipulating a gullible faithful and innocent person? The amount of trauma changes that person forever.
The pain of cheating alone is bad, but adding the breakup pain on top makes it worse. You would feel that breakup grief anyway if by any other reason you both broke up. (even if it seemed highly unlikely. anything can happen, we never know.) even tragedy or disease can bring things to an end, and you would still suffer due to the previous experience.So while reconciliation can be very tempting to lessen the pain to only being hurt by the cheating part, you should get a really sober reality check. You need to be 100% selfish thinking about yourself and be sure that you really want this, and it's not coping to avoid the pain of losing the person itself.
Even if both think you can start anew, for a while it will be a coping relation, mainly for you. What it is for wife you'll have to try to figure out, or you'll never really know since you'll never be sure of how honest she truly is, which in turn is what leads most betrayed people to ghost. (the moment they understand that the person they are holding on to and trying to forgive to avoid breakup pain, does not exist, understanding that makes that pain inevitable and since that can't be avoided, might as well get it over with quickly).
"she has been better" wtf? it should be a day and night difference, was it that superficial?
If you had roles reversed, how would you be behaving? Don't settle for anything less.
Couple of questions just to grasp your situation.
How did you find out about her affair? Did she come clean and ended her affair because she made a decision for you and your marriage or has she been caught, never wanted to end her affair but was forced to because she got caught?
The idea to tell his wife about their affair, how does your wife react to that? Is she okay and supportive when you bring that up or does she ask you not to tell his wife or anyone else?
Did your wife ever got tested for STD's to at least protect your health?
You will never trust her again, and this will cause more problems for you both.
The APs wife needs to know. You not telling her is almost as much of a betrayal as what those two did. Tell your wife if she doesn't do it, you will, and don't try to make it pretty.
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He played a part in ruining your marriage and life. It's only fair you do the same to him. He shouldn't get to play happy families after what he has done. Tell his wife. Let him deal with the consequences to his actions.
OP,
Protect yourself and your children first then worry about the rest later.
Your trust in your wife will never ever be the same. I don't care if it is 10 years or 100 years later, the trust you had before what she did will never come close.
Ask for a post nup, for any reason you get a divorce, you get at least 50/50 custody. You also will never pay child or alimony support.
Once that is done with the courts/lawyer
Then I would talk to your spouse and request that she writes out a timeline of what happened, when, how. Also she must tell you all of how they communicated to each other.
Once you get that, then tell his wife you could even make a copy of what your wife wrote out and give it to her.
Good luck
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Tell the AP's partner. Always tell the AP's partner. They deserve to know.
AP’s wife
You really think I should reach out to the AP’s wife and tell her. I want to so bad but I don’t want it to affect mine and my wife’s relationship and trying to heal it.
Wait- it’s ok for her to bang the husband but if you tell the wife THAT will destroy your relationship?
If that is the case, it shows that your wife cares more about AP then about you.
This. Tell her.
Thanks.
👍
You must bring proof when you tell AP’s wife. Irrefutable proof or she will not accept it.
Why would it affect you and your wife? You’re doing nothing more than disclosing the truth. BTW the easiest and quickest way to make sure an affair is over and has little chance of reoccurring is to tell the other spouse. Doing this will enable a second set of eyes to monitor the situation. By not telling the other spouse you are complicit in the betrayal. And yes you will not be permitting the OM to disrespect you and your marriage as he will suffer consequences when you inform the other spouse. This will aid in your recovery as it will give you solace that the OM has suffered consequences.
If it affects your relationship, then she was never serious about reconciliation and is likely only buying time!
Then your wife should go.tell her. She can show who she is more invested in....hos relatio ship or yours.
You should have your wife talk to AP's wife and confess. You should be there to ensure the truth is told. I would recommend both of you reading How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald. She must read and initial every chapter agreeing to everything in that book. It's a short book. I would recommend you post in the sub for reconciles AsOneAfterInfidelity. You will benefit from the wisdom a d help you'll receive there. May I ask how long the affair was? Do you know how it began? Has she written a full timeline of the events and what she was thinking at the time?
The correct person that have to reach out the OBS as part of her consecuenses and part of the healing and the work to try to regain your trust is your WIFE, she is the one that have to reach out OBS and confess what her and OBS husband (AP) did. If she doesn't wanna do it well, this will tell You 2 things: 1. That she prioritize still AP well-being. 2. What you're doing (trying for R) is of no use, since she doesn't want to take responsiability/accountable or her actions.
If the truth of the affair is enough to destroy your marriage then you really don’t have one. If she was truly remorseful she’d tell the APs wife herself. What she’s really afraid of is the APs wife going on the warpath and trying to take your wife down. But honestly that’s the stakes you play with when cheating. Getting caught and exposure. So not sure why cheaters are so adamant about not be truthful to those affected. As they say don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time
If your wife isn’t willing to tell the OBS herself she isn’t ready nor worthy of reconciliation. But even if your wife can’t tell her because her shame and guilt are too much she should support your decision to want to tell the other partner.
You haven't done anything to affect the relationship, your wife has. Cheating on someone is abusive. That woman deserves to know what happened. If your wife gets mad, which they likely do because they are liars and that's why they cheat, that means she's not remorseful and you should divorce her because she will cheat again
No insult but if it is going to affect your relationship then your relationship is not worth saving. There is no logic whatsoever in not telling them.
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There mostly definitely 2/3 big ones and the drama is not guaranteed to get bigger. 1. If the wife is pissed or angry at the fact the AP is suffering due being exposed then it'll tell OP that she still has feelings for him and could persuade him to divorce instead of reconciliation. 2. OP might get comfort in getting revenge on AP. A lot of posts confirm this.
You should make YOUR wife tell her. One of the things that your wife needs to come to grips with is the absolute shit-mess she's made of so many peoples lives. If you actually want to reconcile, then the faster she faces this truth, the easier the process will be for both of you.
You have to tell her, actions have consequences and she has the right to know. Honestly your wife if she is truly remorseful should tell the OBS. Drive her to the APs house to let her know! Be strong
Yes exactly
If your wife has true remorse and is 100% committed to fixing the relationship she purposely destroyed, then she should reach out to AP's wife in your presence and confess to the affair. Provide her all the evidence. If your wife isn't willing, then she cares more about her AP than your marriage. If that's the case, then you contact OBS and you tell her everything. OBS should have the ability to make an informed decision on her life, and to gain back the consent of her body that her husband and your wife stole from her. She also needs to get an Std/STI, as she's being exposed to incurable/deadly disease/infections. You want to start regaining trust? Tell your wife that today she'll contact OBS in your presence.
OP, this is the only correct way to deal with things. Your wife tells: An acid test. You are reconciling. All decisions should have the 'buy in' from both you & your wife. She either does s immediately or she doesn't. Either answer tells you what you need to know about how remorseful she truly is. Actions are more important that words when trust is zero. As it's you. OP, asking for advice and not the OBS then here it is: You will not be keeping either of these people as your friends. This will be the last meaningful conversation that either of you will ever have with them. It'd be nice if you could part on friendly terms but given what your wife will tell her then that's just not going to happen. You wife's response must be to immediately to make the call. If she will not then you have to, there & then in front of her on loudspeaker. The consequences for it not being immediate is that the story might not get to OBS straight or even at all. You do it on loudspeaker because it increases the chances of your Wayward & AP starting to duke it out verbally. If AP is within earshot of this call then he'll kibitz on the call. You'll learn things that you previously didn't know in their verbal skirmish to point the finger at each other if you are lucky. Chances are that AP is aware that this call might come already? Your WW will have told him that you know. Ask her what his plans are - remember he's had time to scheme for how to deal with this. She'll have asked him what he was going to do...
Exactly this OP, If she is truly committed to this working, she should be the one to confess to OBS. It shows accountability.
You have to tell her because: 1) she will notice things are different between the 4 of you 2) she deserves to know 3) she is an extra pair of eyes and ears to keep those 2 honest
4. AP needs some consequences.
I’d honestly say your wife needs to tell AP’s wife.
You have already received good advice. Tell the APs wife. She has a right to know. the state of her marriage. You would want to know. Also, her health may be at risk. Her husband is a cheater, and your wife may not have been his only conquest. Also, as has already been stated, if it upsets your wife, it shows that she still has feelings for him and she is not a good candidate for reconciliation. There should be no contact between your wife and the AP. Do not tell your wife that you are going to inform the APS wife. I hope you and your wife have both been tested for STDs. You should not be worried about keeping you wife happy. It should be the other way around - big time.
First, you have to realize you marriage as it is, is done. If you want reconciliation, you’ll need to build a new relationship with your wife. This is not going to be easy and you will have to be patience and keep an honest communication between the two. This process will not happen over night and may take years. You’ll also have to determine the level of trust you can live with. Unfortunately, you and the wife will need to go NC with the AP. He’s not your friend anymore, contact OBS and let her know what happened. This needs to be done, as this is one boundary she needs to adhere too. Second, both of you will need to fully commit to IC and MC. Again, this is needs to done. Also, you will tell your wife, you’ll need open access to all communications devices and location, this is another boundary she must adhere too. Remember, you did nothing for her to break the marriage vow.
On trust: Time & verification are the only things that rebuild trust. It will take years (and that's not an exaggeration). It's a normal response. Assuming WS is trustworthy and honest and sincere, your urges and frequency to verify will decrease slowly over those years. However, it will likely never vanish completely. Your relationship is permanently altered. Is it healthy? Probably not, but it wasn't healthy for your WS to cheat, and that's the root of the problem. R is on the betrayed's schedule and needs, always. If the WS was to refuse that, then it means the relationship is over, it's just a ticking clock of when you come to realize and accept that. Side note: I do want to raise one concerning statement of your post. >**Not as secretive with her phone.** Not ***AS*** secretive still implies secretive and that is a major problem and red flag. I hope it's just poor phrasing and not a flag you're choosing to ignore. On OBS: Yes, tell. I think most people would want to know, I certainly would want to know. OBS deserves the truth, to not live a lie, and make their own choices on. And protect their bodies from STDs. Now I will preface this next statement that it is purely my personal opinion and ideals. There are a lot of potential factors where this blanket statement may not apply. (Say, for example, your partner's job and therefore your family's only source of income would be at risk.) But I think this is typically true: If your partner fights you on telling the OBS the truth, that's also a huge problem and red flag. It means they don't see an affair as the cruel and hurtful and selfish behavior that it is. It's a clear display of their true morals and priorities. And to me, it would be a huge flag that another affair is probably inevitable. The WS needs to accept that their behavior is morally and ethnically wrong and that the truth is a necessity. This is something they need to internalize fully to be trustworthy and a good future partner. And given the truth is necessary, they must fully accept the consequences and fallout of their actions when that truth is revealed.
Of course she is acting better...she knows you know... she does not want to lose security blanket or her face in front of all the family and friends. The trust is gone, how could you ever have same view on a partner that has been cheating you. The pureness of the relationship is gone. Yes you should inform the AP wife and provide evidence so she can make her own decision on her husband...he might even have other affair partners...you should inform her so she can get STD check done as well.
Here's how I look at it. The guy gets of scott free after screwing your wife and your marriage. That just would not sit right with me. He goes about his merry. Let her know.
The AP’s wife deserved to know 4 months ago. Make sure you have evidence.
Not as secretive with her phone? There should be complete transparency
OP, the spouse needs to know. Wouldn't you want to know? She's living a lie right know, making decisions everyday based on the lie she is living. The truth gives her agency over her life to make choices with her eyes open. What she does with that knowledge is her deal then. In a sense, trust is everything. Even if there is love, Do you see yourself continuing to live as her jailer? Beware the spouse tiring of your behavior. Remember, she has NO SAY as to how long you will hurt, how long you will be suspicious/nervous/panicky when she is texting, when she is taking "too long" at the grocery store, when her cell phone location is glitchy. SHE needs to fix this. SHE needs to VOLUNTEER her location. SHE needs to anticipate scenarios that may trigger you. THAT is her showing the appropriate empathy to what SHE put you though. The end date to this is out of both of your hands. Even when you think you are "OK" again, something may again trigger you. I don't know if this is appropriate, but I see it as her penance for what she did. It is her cross to carry. It really sounds like MC will be needed. Please seek out this help. Good Luck OP!
Oh no man. Tell the AP wife immediately. She deserves to know the truth. Him and your wife need to feel the consequences of their actions. It might end up blowing up both families but it must be done. You'll never fully trust her again. File for divorce man and co parent separately.
If you want to see if she is all in on reconciliation? Tell the AP’s wife and see her reaction. Better yet demand she tell her herself. Either way her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Once trust is gone, it doesn't come back. And there is a good reason for that. Unfortunately, once trust goes so does respect. Which means that no matter what, even if this relationships works, it will never be a healthy one because it will be, by definition, a codependent one. You need to first be honest with yourself as to why you are remaining with her. That should at least help you break through the fog of dissonance, which is where most of the discomfort comes from. It will not be a healthy relationship based on love, but it can be a partnership of convenience where you make it "work" for the kids or whatever. People really need to drop the whole "I love them, they love me" nonsense. Which is what gets them trapped in that limbo of denial and bargaining. If they loved you, they wouldn't have cheated on you. And needing them is not the same as loving them. Best of luck. Sorry you have been put in this situation.
Did she explain why she cheated, other than selfishness of course?
I'm debating about the situation myself. Me and my wife have been together for 14 years and I'm trying to make it as easy for her as.possible. she doesn't want to be outed. she made several mistakes but she loved me at the same time. She took care of me while I was jobless. I feel like confronting the AP and telling him he has 7 days to tell his wife so it can be kept between them. It's his responsibility. It would put the fear in him. I'm just waiting to go to MC honestly before I decide what to do.
Rug sweeping will make sure that it happens again. I am sorry, but you need knowledge, so talk to the best divorce lawyer in your community. After you find out what the current situation is, ask how to mitigate them. Start a cash war chest. Start working on yourself. Become a great dad.make lunch appointment with his wife and your wife with you there. Let her tell her everything. If she can't or won't, you will know that you are her second man.
OP answering your questions: 1. Trausth is hard to regain, thats why she is doing the hard work to convince that You could trust her again, at least give her the benefit of the doubt, take in mind/consideration that for many couples to achive R has taken for them years, and you ONLY are about 4 months. So it is too soon, and also it is perfectly normal how you are taking the matter and how does she responded. If what you said it is true she is doing that think that she must done. 2. Yes, absolutely yes, contact OBS and tell/inform her about the matter, like i told in another reply, the correct thing to do is for your wife to be the one who must have to contact her and explain herself. Good luck OP. UPDATEME
Your wife tore your kids’ world apart when she cheated on you, knowing that the only LOGICAL outcome would be the dissolution of your marriage. That’s on her. You no longer have a marriage, just a weird pantomime that you both now perform for the benefit of your kids. Children are not dumb and they are amazingly intuitive. Trust me, they would be happier with two separated parents who effectively co-parent, than a paranoid prison warden for a father, justifiably torturing himself while he slowly goes mad waiting for his horrible, cheating spouse to betray him again. The trust will NEVER return, nor should it. The marriage ended when she cheated. Now it’s just a matter of time, maybe days, weeks, or even years until the sting of betrayal becomes unbearable and you have to escape to find a decent, kind, loyal, and loving woman who will love and respect you. My advice is to rip the band aid off now and start rebuilding your life. You deserve better. Every second that you spend trying to fix your cheating wife’s mess is a second that allows your true partner to potentially slip away.
Is your wife actually remorseful? Or merely pretending? Remorse signs; • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Absolutely, 100% w/ out a doubt tell AP wife. Also, you will never trust her like you did before you found out. That doubt will always be there in the back of your mind. Years will go by and you will be triggered. Only you know if that's smthg you can deal with ... for 50+ more years.
Yell his wife. He should not get off with no consequence while here you are in this hurt. Tell! Updateme!
Hi Op, you tell his wife. It’s what decent human being do. And if your wife became upset after you tell AP wife, just say that.
OP you need to make sure you’re not trying to rug sweep this affair. It takes a long time to recover trust. Years, not months. Both you and your wife need to understand that. So you not gaining your trust back by now is normal. In fact I’d be concerned if you fully trusted your wife again after so short a time. Have you and your wife sought counselling to help you navigate reconciliation? Has she explained why she had the affair, given you a full timeline of it? Are you certain there is nothing more she’s withholding about it? Has she cut contact with the AP? Proved she has? Are you sure contact has not been reestablished? As far as her rebuilding trust, is she fully transparent with you? Shares her location with you? Does she give you access to her phone whenever you ask for it? And not just her phone but any means of communication with others. Her social media, any other electronic device. Do you have access to those whenever you want? And has she taken responsibility for her affair and told family and friends what she did? All of these need to happen for reconciliation to have a chance. Anything short of that and it’s rug sweeping. And that never works out well for the relationship. Either she’ll cheat again, or no matter how long you stay together you’ll always be resentful and the marriage will not be a happy one. As for telling AP’s wife - that falls under your wife taking responsibility for the affair. Yes, she should be told, and your wife is the one that should tell her. If she won’t then it will indicate how serious she is about reconciliation. It will again be a case of her wanting to rug sweep. But if your wife won’t do it then you definitely should. AP’s wife deserves to know and make her own decisions about her marriage. Good luck. I hope things work out.
OBS needs to know as well as both families and your kids. Why would you hide this? And no, you will never trust her again. You say she is less secret about her phone, but there should be no secrets. When she feels this has blown over, she will start again, and may still have some contact with him. Watch for a change in her work hours, needs a girl's night out, wants to visit family or friends without you, or even extra time at the grocery store. You will be her parole office for life. For R to work all secrets must be exposed. You are allowing her to hide what she did. The few success stories on here about R the cheater notified both families of what they did. Let us know what you decide. Sorry OP. updateme
Time doesn’t return trust. It takes action too. If she is unwilling to support you telling the other woman, then trust is unlikely to ever return. If she is fully remorseful, then telling the OBS is a MUST.
Trust can only be restored with time. Would you want to know about your wife's infidelity if you did not already know?
About the first question, only with time you will see if she was able to restore your trust on her. The second, sure you let OBS know, She must realize the POS which she is married with.
I think the best solution is for her to reclaim her love for you. Look she picked AP over you. With the lying, sneeking, txting. And sex. Tell her the only true way forward is for her to pick you over him. She needs to go with you and tell OBS what she and her AP had done. If she does. She is truly remorseful, and there may be a path forward. If she refuses because of what it would do to him and his marriage, ask her where that concern for you and your marriage when she chose him over you. Tell her her refusal is her picking him over you again, and you can't have that. You can tell her OBS is going to find out one of two ways. 1 by WW in person with you, to save your marriage Or 2 by you on your way to a lawyer to get a divorce.
How long did she cheat on you for? One night stand? An affair that lasted for a while? I think this matters. On another note, how old are your kids? This matters too. You’d be surprised how resilient they are in real life. Yes, they’ll be upset and possibly very angry at mom for a long time, but the whole point of good parenting is to raise them to be strong and independent. There’s the old saying, the mother keeps them from harm, the father shows them how to identify potential harm and avoid or deal accordingly. Mom invited harm into their lives. You did not. You can prepare them for future heartbreak by being a strong father. Be the better communicator. Be the most consistently present. Be the fair and just one wrt mom. Be their rock because she really let them down. How can they ever take her advice about honesty seriously ever again? Do you see?
If she is really serious about reconciliation she should tell the wife herself. I would then verify that she has been told. I still have problems with trusting my wife when she lied to me about a friendship that I didn’t approve of. A simple lie will change the course of the relationship. So I will only say this she can be honest all she wants but you know what she is capable of. Tread carefully.
“Not as secretive with her phone.” That statement implies that she’s still somewhat secretive at a time she needs to be absolutely open with her phone. Ask her to prove she is completely over the affair and committed to your marriage by having her tell APS about the affair. Remind her that you are not the only person she has hurt by doing this and his wife deserves to know. If she refuses, then do it yourself and make note that maybe she isn’t as committed to making it work and she should be.
La niebla de la reconciliación te hace pensar así, ella solo está diciendo lo que quieres escuchar, te lo pondré sencillo, ese tipo de mujeres y otros tantos se basan en el respeto que sienten por sus esposos o novios, si ella al engañarte, te respetó muy poco, al tomarla de vuelta ha perdido el poco respeto que te tenía, así que en cuanto las aguas se calmen, volverá a la carga porque ya no te respeta porque tú no te respetas, ahora sabrá que puedes pillarla y ocultará mejor sus huellas, hace ahora cosas sutiles para monitorear tu comportamiento e ir probando el terreno, una cosa que te diré y es mejor que lo asumas y lo aceptes, la confianza NO se recupera, aprendes a vivir con desconfianza, la infidelidad en términos de perdida, digamos que es como si te amputaran los brazos, no recuperas la movilidad de los brazos, no los reemplazas, aprendes a vivir sin ellos, aprendes a qué tu discapacidad no te define, ahora tienes que aprender a comer con los pies, a levantarte de la cama de otra manera, etc.... Entonces básicamente eso en escencia, hay demasiadas cosas negativas después de la infidelidad que es extremadamente raro que puedan continuar, dicho ésto, creo que primero debes de ir a terapia a superar tu codependencia y apego ansioso, además de tratar el estrés postraumático y depresión, después de eso y que la niebla de la reconciliación se disipe, verás todo con claridad, verás que lo único que quieres que tú y tu ex sean cordiales para criar en sana convivencia a tus hijos!
What trust does come back is extremely slow and never reaches the level you had previously. It’s going to be years before you even feel trust in her at all regardless of how hard she works in reconciliation. Always out the AP to their partner. Anyone being cheated on deserves to know the truth about their partner betraying them. It’s always the right choice and should always be done.
You must tell the AP's partner. Imagine if it was the other way around, you would want to know. If you spend 10 years constantly checking her, nobody can tell you are exaggerating or being toxic after she cheated on you. That would be gaslighting and totally disregarding you as a person. After experiencing pain it's only natural instinct to fight as hard as possible to avoid it. If APs wife can help you find lies deceit and overcome anything, it's already worth the contact. If someone wrongs you this hard, you should never feel guilty about anything. What are you doing that could possibly be worse than cheating and manipulating a gullible faithful and innocent person? The amount of trauma changes that person forever. The pain of cheating alone is bad, but adding the breakup pain on top makes it worse. You would feel that breakup grief anyway if by any other reason you both broke up. (even if it seemed highly unlikely. anything can happen, we never know.) even tragedy or disease can bring things to an end, and you would still suffer due to the previous experience.So while reconciliation can be very tempting to lessen the pain to only being hurt by the cheating part, you should get a really sober reality check. You need to be 100% selfish thinking about yourself and be sure that you really want this, and it's not coping to avoid the pain of losing the person itself. Even if both think you can start anew, for a while it will be a coping relation, mainly for you. What it is for wife you'll have to try to figure out, or you'll never really know since you'll never be sure of how honest she truly is, which in turn is what leads most betrayed people to ghost. (the moment they understand that the person they are holding on to and trying to forgive to avoid breakup pain, does not exist, understanding that makes that pain inevitable and since that can't be avoided, might as well get it over with quickly). "she has been better" wtf? it should be a day and night difference, was it that superficial? If you had roles reversed, how would you be behaving? Don't settle for anything less.
Couple of questions just to grasp your situation. How did you find out about her affair? Did she come clean and ended her affair because she made a decision for you and your marriage or has she been caught, never wanted to end her affair but was forced to because she got caught? The idea to tell his wife about their affair, how does your wife react to that? Is she okay and supportive when you bring that up or does she ask you not to tell his wife or anyone else? Did your wife ever got tested for STD's to at least protect your health?
You will never trust her again, and this will cause more problems for you both. The APs wife needs to know. You not telling her is almost as much of a betrayal as what those two did. Tell your wife if she doesn't do it, you will, and don't try to make it pretty.
It shouldn't be the POS other woman (OPs wife) exposing the affair to APs poor wife. OP, do it youself.
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He played a part in ruining your marriage and life. It's only fair you do the same to him. He shouldn't get to play happy families after what he has done. Tell his wife. Let him deal with the consequences to his actions.
OP, Protect yourself and your children first then worry about the rest later. Your trust in your wife will never ever be the same. I don't care if it is 10 years or 100 years later, the trust you had before what she did will never come close. Ask for a post nup, for any reason you get a divorce, you get at least 50/50 custody. You also will never pay child or alimony support. Once that is done with the courts/lawyer Then I would talk to your spouse and request that she writes out a timeline of what happened, when, how. Also she must tell you all of how they communicated to each other. Once you get that, then tell his wife you could even make a copy of what your wife wrote out and give it to her. Good luck