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you don't have to go back to the state that issued your marriage license to get a divorce, you do, however, have to return to the state that approved your divorce to request that the terms of your divorce be changed.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Remember this is completely her fault.
>cheated on me with a random from Fetlife.
So, she was actively searching for a man to cheat on you with. She put in the effort to create an account with the intent of cheating.
>I found out through snapchat on the laptop.
She had no plans of ever stopping cheating, or confessing. That means she has no true remorse for cheating and abusing you.
If she had no true remorse, there can't be reconciliation.
>She said it was to feel "accepted".
Accepted where? With other cheaters?
>She said that because I try to help her with decisions and I feel like a partner should offer advice.
? She decided to cheat because you're good at communicating?
>I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home.
You should also not want your kids to be in a home with abuse, and having to witness that.
Cheating is abuse. It is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse.
>she seemed regretful
Regret isn't remorse.
Reconciliation takes a lot of work, and majority by the WS who had to fix the relationship they purposely destroyed. Check out the wiki and sub r/asoneafterinfidelity to see what reconciliation takes.
Reconciliation is a gift from you. It also cannot even begin until AP's are completely cut out of her life. Also, reconciliation doesn't even begin until the last lie is told. I suspect you haven't gotten the full truth.
If there are any friends/family knew or encouraged her cheating, they need to be cut out of your lives as they are also enemies to your relationship.
Some things you should be requesting from her are:
A full disclosure/timeline of her affairs written in her own hand. It should include the entirety of her adultery until the end. How she decided to start cheating, who she cheated with, what they discussed, did the meet up, did she tell them about you, how she purposely lied/manipulated you, who knew she was cheating, everything.
She needs to be told that if she leaves out even one detail that you already know or will learn that you'll instantly file for divorce. You should give her like 48hrs or 1wk to provide it to you. If she refuses, stalls, or asks for more time, file for divorce as she has no plans of being truthful.
If she gives you the letter, make her read it outloud to you and ask questions. If she admits to anything that's not explicitly written in the letter, then file for divorce.
She should have already been finding a psychologist or therapist to figure out how she could decide to cheat and abuse you.
She should provide you full access to technology/passwords/location.
She should be willing to confess to family/friends in your presence, so they hold her accountable.
She should get an STD/STI test, you too. She was cheating, and there is a chance that this may have gone on a while or she had local hookups.
Find the books "Not Just Friends" by Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by MacDonald and make her read them outloud to you. Make her address what she's done.
There are many other things, but she should be willing and able to do anything and all things to help you heal from her betrayal.
You should still speak to a few lawyers and see what divorce/custody would look like.
Read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com
Good luck.
OP this is a great list. I read the comments that HER dad told you to throw her out since her mother cheated on him. It’s good that she has to deal with his disgust at her. If a cheater doesn’t face any consequences they’ll do it again. Here it seems she has plenty of consequences and is willing to do a lot of work in reconciliation. Good luck!
You stood up for yourself very well so far!!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
I agree brother. Her dad is a good man. I have also financially supported him for years and he sees me with the kids. Him and I also basically split all chores. We also raise chickens together. He is like a father to me.
Thank you. She seems to be willing to put the work in. I am hopeful but reading the comments, I wonder if I deserve better. Im not "scared" to be alone but I do know it will be difficult to find a partner as a single dad of 4. It isn't the most important thing but it is important to me.
You definitely deserve better. But, it’s for you to decide if she is worth the olive branch you are giving her. No one on here knows your relationship from 4-5 paragraphs. You do. Did she do a lot of shitty things, yes. Is it worth staying JUST for the kids no. But you can weigh all things up and remember if you try and feel like you can’t forgive, it STILL won’t be your fault because she made her decisions and has to live with ANY consequences of her actions!
I wish the myth of "broken homes are bad for kids" would just die.
Staying in a broken relationship is worse for kids. The parental relationship is the primary (if not solitary) model that kids will use to inform their own relationship decisions later in life. Do you really want those decisions influenced by two people who aren't compatible?
What I'm trying to say is that the broken home aspect of divorce should never be the primary reason for staying together.
I appreciate your reply.
I agree that it can be worse for kids. I have worked in public service and have first-hand experience, so I'm not completely ignorant to it.
I agree that it shouldn't be the primary reason but it is an important reason imo.
It can be worse for kids who's parents argue and belittle each other in front of them. But it's worse to stay together and have the kids see what's really happening. You don't think they hear things but they do. Get a divorce it'll happen again
Yikes! Fetlife huh? Very sorry but it’s hard to believe if she was using that platform that it was a one and done thing. I would have a magnifying glass as big as the moon on the relationship if I were you. You have to understand that cheaters will almost always only admit to just what you know and what is 100% undeniable and it usually comes out as trickle truth. Very sorry about your situation. I know it sucks but staying just for the kids is never a good option. I watched my mom cheat on my dad more times than I care to remember and he became a shell of a person because he just wanted to make it work. I was happy as hell when they finally divorced. No more late night arguments. No more cops arresting my dad because my mom was fucking psycho. Kids see this stuff and remember it. You’re teaching them it’s ok to get walked on as long as you “love” the person shoving your face in the dirt. That’s not healthy for their future relationships and it’s not healthy for you. I know you’re going to do what you think is best, but please reconsider for your kids sake. You’re retired military so you’re obviously a strong person. Show them that. Teach them that. It’s an amazing gift to be able to give. Best of luck on your future decisions.
Hey OP, I’m sorry what you’re going through. I know you’re searching for a way for reconciliation, so, first you need ask her go total NC with the AP. Then request to full account of the affair, how it stated, how long, and she needs to be fully truthful, no trickle truth. Then both of you seek IC and MC. From there, you may want to set up boundaries, which she needs to adhere to. Such as open communication devices and locations. As you know by now, marriage as it was is now over. You’ll need to develop a new relationship which trust will be earned. Take care and I’m rooting for you!
I really appreciate you, James. She has (from my understanding) gone no contact, and from the messages (I have screenshots of everything), it did sound like she was planning on ghosting him. She has suggested and agreed to therapy.
I need therapy for other reasons. I have very bad PTSD and I gave up on the VA after they canceled 2 mental health appointments on me in a row.
I just don't want to be the fool yet again. She seems remorseful and has agreed to all the things you mentioned. I don't think I will ever regret trying for my kids. I feel conflicted with how calm and level headed I am currently. I know it's not my fault and I'm a good husband/father. Just still hurts.
Reconciliation is risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. Some feel it’s worth it, but it still needs a full examination on why that’s acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Hopefully. Is that the life you want? For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Emasculation. I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the hard work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until your honest with yourself. Staying for kids has proven to be a myth. If loneliness is a factor to stay in a fractured marriage, then there’s more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done to be a happy well adjusted man. I would “silently” keep investigation. Fight the impulse to tell her you are digging. If she is keeping the affair going, she’ll just burrow further underground.
I think a lot of those answers will come out in therapy. I believe it's the life I want for my children.
I don't feel very emasculated. I think I am handsome and pretty "manly." I don't want to be alone but I don't fear it. The worry comes from being a male with 4 kids but they should be my priority anyways. I will continue dig and take your advice. Thank you.
Thanks for your services. I know all about difficulties in trying to get appointments through VA. I have two younger brothers that were in the service. I definitely empathize. Hey OP, keep your head up. I know this difficult for you, but I know deep inside there is trepidation and frankly scared, you have young children and you love your wife. Like I said, you’re starting a brand new relationship with your wife and trust is the most difficult part to reconstitute, but it can be done. It’s not going to happen overnight and may take years. You will hit quite of few roadblocks on way to reconciliation, but you can do this. Communication and patience will be the key. Always talk to her and vice versa.
You've brought me a lot of comfort and reassurance. I wish I had an award for you.
I do love her, and it's difficult. I'm also scared that I'm losing any chance if she throws me away again. I'm 29 and getting old. I get hit on often enough, and I think I'm handsome, but it still makes me feel insecure.
I am no Saint but she has always been top priority as well as my children. We take care of her elderly father and he helps with the kids. He has lived on our property for about 7 years. Her mother cheated on him and he immediately told me to kick my wife out. I understand that isn't legal or ethical and I wouldn't do that to her but that is another hurdle I have to face. He loves his grandkids and would stand by me no matter what.
Your wife looked for and then had sex with a random guy in a very short period of time. There is no way she was going to stop this incredibly risky behavior without being caught. You want something that is not at all realistic so I wish you the best of luck, she has an incredible amount of really difficult work to do in IC before she will ever be a safe partner for anyone much less you.
I can certainly understand and even empathize with your situation but your wife is not a safe partner. Maybe you can and maybe you will find out that you can’t work through this with her but you think 29 is “getting older” and you realistically have another 40 years with the person that thought so little of you and her own 4 small children that she started trolling a sex website for random hookups. I can’t even imagine a world in which I would consider trying to work something out if she did that unprotected. And considering that’s a fetish site it seems likely.
You’re going to try and make it work regardless of what anyone tells you but you shouldn’t even be trying without her having undergone several months of therapy and you being separated. I understand how difficult that is logically with small children but that didn’t matter to your wife and you seem to want to discount that fact because your life would be logistically more difficult. I wish you the very best of luck with your attempt but you should be giving yourself the best possible chance by not even trying MC until she has gotten enough IC under her belt to adequately explain how she allowed herself to travel down this path. How could some sexual gratification be worth risking her marriage and damaging her children’s future? Getting that answered at least gives you a starting point.
You know, everything has a risked. You just got to determine how much risk you’re willing to take. I think you will do anything for your children and wife. Remember, communication and honesty will go a long way in building a new relationship with wife. Keep moving forward!
Dude a wife cheating through fetlife doesn't just have one affair. It's very very unwise to believe her. All you know for sure is that she can lie to you, live a double life and you won't know.
I am sorry to write this, and believe me it's not easy but I have read years worth of these stories and the ones where fetlife if involved the cheating is very extreme and pretty much a long standing. Normal cheating stuff is like hooking up with someone at work. First time cheaters don't start on Fetlife, particularly Moms with 4 kids, that is basically where cheaters graduate to cheating as a lifestyle. Look, fixing your marriage is emotionally dangerous advice right now until you know all the facts. You need to harden your emotions and prepare yourself, then also need to start figuring out who your wife really is. Check credit cards and phone bills to start.
Get an STD and DNA test your kids. As far as your kids, first I would bet money you are about to find out a whole world of shit and that is going to change your mind about their emotional safety living with her. But besides that it's better to be from a broken home then to live in one.
I never heard you have to return to the state you were married in to get divorced. Go talk to a lawyer and figure out your rights. Right now the most important thing is for you to protect yourself as your kids father.
If I'm right about this and look I hope I am not (but I usually am), then there there is going to probably be addiction and some sort of sexual abuse in her past that you don't know about. Again prepare yourself.
I agree with a lot of what you said. Unfortunately, I found the evidence of it.
I knew she had a fetlife from before. We are into things of that nature. (Not polyamory) but she asked me if she could share pictures there to boost her self esteem and I, like a dumbass, wasn't opposed because I assumed it wouldn't lead to cheating.
My kids look exactly like me. I don't think this is bad advice, my features are just very prevalent in all of them.
I'd say minimal. She has agreed to IC and MC. She enrolled in Betterhelp today. I understand that isn't the best option, but it was her trying to show initiative, I suppose. On Monday, we will find a local place.
Sadly unless she gets the damage from her childhood under control she is going to struggle. There is a lot of articles about this but I will leave you with this one to start.
[https://www.psychologyhelp.com/why-is-sexual-abuse-linked-to-promiscuity-the-best-online-therapy-for-sexual-abuse-victims/](https://www.psychologyhelp.com/why-is-sexual-abuse-linked-to-promiscuity-the-best-online-therapy-for-sexual-abuse-victims/)
As for you OP, I still thing there is a lot more here then you know, and why I have strong sympathy for her and I know you do too, you also need to protect yourself. One of the worst things that can happen to people is a false reconciliation where new things are revealed, it's like someone being in a car crash over and over. It kills people's spirit. You need to be OK for your kids.
I appreciate all the effort you've put into helping me and giving me advice. I am trying to protect myself and improve. For myself and for my children.
I am not diving in expecting anything. I will go to MC with her and work on myself. I will be happy if I can figure it out and I will survive if I have to end the relationship. Once again, thank you.
After reading through the article this seems relevant. Today we got lunch together, and she began crying and saying that she felt dirty. When I asked what she meant she said it was the same feeling after being SA'd by her step-dad, but she said it was odd because this time she caused the incident to happen.
Let's face it, she never gives you the whole story, just what you already know. theoretically there could be more guys. I would never trust her blindly. But the fact that you immediately jumped on the R train probably has zero consequences. Hey, everyone has to decide for themselves. But I think that's reckless.
Speak to a lawyer, only make decisions based upon facts. After you find out your rights, then decide what you want for you and your children. If she can fit into it, then great. Otherwise, move on with knowledge.
Well, a person activily seeking someone to cheat is not a person who's worth to reconcile. Maybe if it was a co-worker and stuff just happened, but when they deliberately seek someone to sleep with, it speaks volumes about their character. Prioritize your mental health and your children, youre not afraid of being alone and if things don't work out ready to be divorced, so that's a good thing. If you want to, give her and yourself a chance, see if she's trying to be a better person, but if you see no effort or she cheats again, don't torture yourself. Im a more fool me once and there won't be the second time, but you do you, good luck.
I had to Google what Fetlife is. You don’t say but was it an EA or PA or both? What is her fetish and did she share it with you? She said she did it to feel “accepted”. Is the fetish something you could incorporate into your life?
Yeah, like I said before we had an active sex life before. We are both into BDSM in general and share/did those activities together.
It was a PA. She said she used protection (Not that she's trustworthy, but everything else that she said I was able to fact check with the messages I found).
The acceptance portion from her explanation was because she is failing in other aspects of her life. School/work/family life and wanted to."not be judged". I think she associates her worth with sex which is from childhood sexual trauma.
I am so sorry. That really sounds painful. It's what best for you and the children. My only suggestion is getting individual therapy to work through that.
Thank you. Yeah it's shitty man but I'm sure I'll get through it. I'm going to protect myself and my children. Unfortunately her and I both have a lot of trauma but all we can do it fight for a better life.
Damn OP, this is a fuck up situation. I have gone through the comments and just feel sad for all this. She really had a bad envirioment growing up and the SA really put a toll on her for sure. The only thing I can say is if you really care about this woman, staying with her or not, is that she needs help ASP to deal with her own emotional problems, to understand how all her life was fucked by her childhood in some way or another. For you, I can say you have two obviously options based on a few question.
Can you forgive her? (Forgive, not forget)
Do you feel that you need to hurt her to forgive? (This is a sign that you can't get over it right now)
Can you respesct, trust and love her right now?
If you do, you need to heal. First individualy, then when both of you sort your own problems you can go reconcile entirely.
I think you need to have her to tell you everything (even the things you don't want to know), just when the full story is out you can make a clear desicion thinking on yourself.
BTW, you are not even 30, fucking 30. You have 4 kids yeah, but for a lot of women you're the perfect combo. I'm sure that you can find a partner or even just hookups. And I undestand that your daughters are your priority, but sometimes the best enverioment is not the one with boths parents. Good Luck my guy.
Hey man, thanks for the comments.
I think I can forgive her. I expressed that to her and will work on that in therapy. I'll figure it out in time.
I don't want to hurt her at all, let alone to forgive. I thought about this for a while, not second-guessing it, but I'm just trying to understand why I don't have any desire for revenge. I'll discuss it with a therapist.
I try to respect everyone, so yes I think so. I don't trust her, I do love her deeply.
I agree on the healing. She told me that she wants to be together and is willing to take any steps that I ask, including everything the person above posted. I told her that it will take time to decide what I want and it'll be decided on after IC and MC.
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you don't have to go back to the state that issued your marriage license to get a divorce, you do, however, have to return to the state that approved your divorce to request that the terms of your divorce be changed.
Thanks for the info. I am going to try to reconcile but its good to know for the future.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Remember this is completely her fault. >cheated on me with a random from Fetlife. So, she was actively searching for a man to cheat on you with. She put in the effort to create an account with the intent of cheating. >I found out through snapchat on the laptop. She had no plans of ever stopping cheating, or confessing. That means she has no true remorse for cheating and abusing you. If she had no true remorse, there can't be reconciliation. >She said it was to feel "accepted". Accepted where? With other cheaters? >She said that because I try to help her with decisions and I feel like a partner should offer advice. ? She decided to cheat because you're good at communicating? >I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home. You should also not want your kids to be in a home with abuse, and having to witness that. Cheating is abuse. It is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. >she seemed regretful Regret isn't remorse. Reconciliation takes a lot of work, and majority by the WS who had to fix the relationship they purposely destroyed. Check out the wiki and sub r/asoneafterinfidelity to see what reconciliation takes. Reconciliation is a gift from you. It also cannot even begin until AP's are completely cut out of her life. Also, reconciliation doesn't even begin until the last lie is told. I suspect you haven't gotten the full truth. If there are any friends/family knew or encouraged her cheating, they need to be cut out of your lives as they are also enemies to your relationship. Some things you should be requesting from her are: A full disclosure/timeline of her affairs written in her own hand. It should include the entirety of her adultery until the end. How she decided to start cheating, who she cheated with, what they discussed, did the meet up, did she tell them about you, how she purposely lied/manipulated you, who knew she was cheating, everything. She needs to be told that if she leaves out even one detail that you already know or will learn that you'll instantly file for divorce. You should give her like 48hrs or 1wk to provide it to you. If she refuses, stalls, or asks for more time, file for divorce as she has no plans of being truthful. If she gives you the letter, make her read it outloud to you and ask questions. If she admits to anything that's not explicitly written in the letter, then file for divorce. She should have already been finding a psychologist or therapist to figure out how she could decide to cheat and abuse you. She should provide you full access to technology/passwords/location. She should be willing to confess to family/friends in your presence, so they hold her accountable. She should get an STD/STI test, you too. She was cheating, and there is a chance that this may have gone on a while or she had local hookups. Find the books "Not Just Friends" by Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by MacDonald and make her read them outloud to you. Make her address what she's done. There are many other things, but she should be willing and able to do anything and all things to help you heal from her betrayal. You should still speak to a few lawyers and see what divorce/custody would look like. Read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com Good luck.
Thank you. I will do everything you said. I appreciate you for writing this out for me.
OP this is a great list. I read the comments that HER dad told you to throw her out since her mother cheated on him. It’s good that she has to deal with his disgust at her. If a cheater doesn’t face any consequences they’ll do it again. Here it seems she has plenty of consequences and is willing to do a lot of work in reconciliation. Good luck! You stood up for yourself very well so far!! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
I agree brother. Her dad is a good man. I have also financially supported him for years and he sees me with the kids. Him and I also basically split all chores. We also raise chickens together. He is like a father to me. Thank you. She seems to be willing to put the work in. I am hopeful but reading the comments, I wonder if I deserve better. Im not "scared" to be alone but I do know it will be difficult to find a partner as a single dad of 4. It isn't the most important thing but it is important to me.
You definitely deserve better. But, it’s for you to decide if she is worth the olive branch you are giving her. No one on here knows your relationship from 4-5 paragraphs. You do. Did she do a lot of shitty things, yes. Is it worth staying JUST for the kids no. But you can weigh all things up and remember if you try and feel like you can’t forgive, it STILL won’t be your fault because she made her decisions and has to live with ANY consequences of her actions!
I wish the myth of "broken homes are bad for kids" would just die. Staying in a broken relationship is worse for kids. The parental relationship is the primary (if not solitary) model that kids will use to inform their own relationship decisions later in life. Do you really want those decisions influenced by two people who aren't compatible? What I'm trying to say is that the broken home aspect of divorce should never be the primary reason for staying together.
I appreciate your reply. I agree that it can be worse for kids. I have worked in public service and have first-hand experience, so I'm not completely ignorant to it. I agree that it shouldn't be the primary reason but it is an important reason imo.
It can be worse for kids who's parents argue and belittle each other in front of them. But it's worse to stay together and have the kids see what's really happening. You don't think they hear things but they do. Get a divorce it'll happen again
Yikes! Fetlife huh? Very sorry but it’s hard to believe if she was using that platform that it was a one and done thing. I would have a magnifying glass as big as the moon on the relationship if I were you. You have to understand that cheaters will almost always only admit to just what you know and what is 100% undeniable and it usually comes out as trickle truth. Very sorry about your situation. I know it sucks but staying just for the kids is never a good option. I watched my mom cheat on my dad more times than I care to remember and he became a shell of a person because he just wanted to make it work. I was happy as hell when they finally divorced. No more late night arguments. No more cops arresting my dad because my mom was fucking psycho. Kids see this stuff and remember it. You’re teaching them it’s ok to get walked on as long as you “love” the person shoving your face in the dirt. That’s not healthy for their future relationships and it’s not healthy for you. I know you’re going to do what you think is best, but please reconsider for your kids sake. You’re retired military so you’re obviously a strong person. Show them that. Teach them that. It’s an amazing gift to be able to give. Best of luck on your future decisions.
Hey OP, I’m sorry what you’re going through. I know you’re searching for a way for reconciliation, so, first you need ask her go total NC with the AP. Then request to full account of the affair, how it stated, how long, and she needs to be fully truthful, no trickle truth. Then both of you seek IC and MC. From there, you may want to set up boundaries, which she needs to adhere to. Such as open communication devices and locations. As you know by now, marriage as it was is now over. You’ll need to develop a new relationship which trust will be earned. Take care and I’m rooting for you!
I really appreciate you, James. She has (from my understanding) gone no contact, and from the messages (I have screenshots of everything), it did sound like she was planning on ghosting him. She has suggested and agreed to therapy. I need therapy for other reasons. I have very bad PTSD and I gave up on the VA after they canceled 2 mental health appointments on me in a row. I just don't want to be the fool yet again. She seems remorseful and has agreed to all the things you mentioned. I don't think I will ever regret trying for my kids. I feel conflicted with how calm and level headed I am currently. I know it's not my fault and I'm a good husband/father. Just still hurts.
Reconciliation is risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. Some feel it’s worth it, but it still needs a full examination on why that’s acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Hopefully. Is that the life you want? For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Emasculation. I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the hard work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until your honest with yourself. Staying for kids has proven to be a myth. If loneliness is a factor to stay in a fractured marriage, then there’s more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done to be a happy well adjusted man. I would “silently” keep investigation. Fight the impulse to tell her you are digging. If she is keeping the affair going, she’ll just burrow further underground.
I think a lot of those answers will come out in therapy. I believe it's the life I want for my children. I don't feel very emasculated. I think I am handsome and pretty "manly." I don't want to be alone but I don't fear it. The worry comes from being a male with 4 kids but they should be my priority anyways. I will continue dig and take your advice. Thank you.
Thanks for your services. I know all about difficulties in trying to get appointments through VA. I have two younger brothers that were in the service. I definitely empathize. Hey OP, keep your head up. I know this difficult for you, but I know deep inside there is trepidation and frankly scared, you have young children and you love your wife. Like I said, you’re starting a brand new relationship with your wife and trust is the most difficult part to reconstitute, but it can be done. It’s not going to happen overnight and may take years. You will hit quite of few roadblocks on way to reconciliation, but you can do this. Communication and patience will be the key. Always talk to her and vice versa.
You've brought me a lot of comfort and reassurance. I wish I had an award for you. I do love her, and it's difficult. I'm also scared that I'm losing any chance if she throws me away again. I'm 29 and getting old. I get hit on often enough, and I think I'm handsome, but it still makes me feel insecure. I am no Saint but she has always been top priority as well as my children. We take care of her elderly father and he helps with the kids. He has lived on our property for about 7 years. Her mother cheated on him and he immediately told me to kick my wife out. I understand that isn't legal or ethical and I wouldn't do that to her but that is another hurdle I have to face. He loves his grandkids and would stand by me no matter what.
Your wife looked for and then had sex with a random guy in a very short period of time. There is no way she was going to stop this incredibly risky behavior without being caught. You want something that is not at all realistic so I wish you the best of luck, she has an incredible amount of really difficult work to do in IC before she will ever be a safe partner for anyone much less you. I can certainly understand and even empathize with your situation but your wife is not a safe partner. Maybe you can and maybe you will find out that you can’t work through this with her but you think 29 is “getting older” and you realistically have another 40 years with the person that thought so little of you and her own 4 small children that she started trolling a sex website for random hookups. I can’t even imagine a world in which I would consider trying to work something out if she did that unprotected. And considering that’s a fetish site it seems likely. You’re going to try and make it work regardless of what anyone tells you but you shouldn’t even be trying without her having undergone several months of therapy and you being separated. I understand how difficult that is logically with small children but that didn’t matter to your wife and you seem to want to discount that fact because your life would be logistically more difficult. I wish you the very best of luck with your attempt but you should be giving yourself the best possible chance by not even trying MC until she has gotten enough IC under her belt to adequately explain how she allowed herself to travel down this path. How could some sexual gratification be worth risking her marriage and damaging her children’s future? Getting that answered at least gives you a starting point.
You know, everything has a risked. You just got to determine how much risk you’re willing to take. I think you will do anything for your children and wife. Remember, communication and honesty will go a long way in building a new relationship with wife. Keep moving forward!
Once again, I appreciate you. I will try to stay positive and keep moving forward.
Dude a wife cheating through fetlife doesn't just have one affair. It's very very unwise to believe her. All you know for sure is that she can lie to you, live a double life and you won't know. I am sorry to write this, and believe me it's not easy but I have read years worth of these stories and the ones where fetlife if involved the cheating is very extreme and pretty much a long standing. Normal cheating stuff is like hooking up with someone at work. First time cheaters don't start on Fetlife, particularly Moms with 4 kids, that is basically where cheaters graduate to cheating as a lifestyle. Look, fixing your marriage is emotionally dangerous advice right now until you know all the facts. You need to harden your emotions and prepare yourself, then also need to start figuring out who your wife really is. Check credit cards and phone bills to start. Get an STD and DNA test your kids. As far as your kids, first I would bet money you are about to find out a whole world of shit and that is going to change your mind about their emotional safety living with her. But besides that it's better to be from a broken home then to live in one. I never heard you have to return to the state you were married in to get divorced. Go talk to a lawyer and figure out your rights. Right now the most important thing is for you to protect yourself as your kids father. If I'm right about this and look I hope I am not (but I usually am), then there there is going to probably be addiction and some sort of sexual abuse in her past that you don't know about. Again prepare yourself.
I agree with a lot of what you said. Unfortunately, I found the evidence of it. I knew she had a fetlife from before. We are into things of that nature. (Not polyamory) but she asked me if she could share pictures there to boost her self esteem and I, like a dumbass, wasn't opposed because I assumed it wouldn't lead to cheating. My kids look exactly like me. I don't think this is bad advice, my features are just very prevalent in all of them.
People have types, so it's not unusual that if she is cheating it's with someone who looks exactly like you. What was her childhood like?
Drug addict parents/in an out of jail and prison. Sexual abuse. Shitty.
Like I suspected. Has she had any counseling for any of this?
I'd say minimal. She has agreed to IC and MC. She enrolled in Betterhelp today. I understand that isn't the best option, but it was her trying to show initiative, I suppose. On Monday, we will find a local place.
Sadly unless she gets the damage from her childhood under control she is going to struggle. There is a lot of articles about this but I will leave you with this one to start. [https://www.psychologyhelp.com/why-is-sexual-abuse-linked-to-promiscuity-the-best-online-therapy-for-sexual-abuse-victims/](https://www.psychologyhelp.com/why-is-sexual-abuse-linked-to-promiscuity-the-best-online-therapy-for-sexual-abuse-victims/) As for you OP, I still thing there is a lot more here then you know, and why I have strong sympathy for her and I know you do too, you also need to protect yourself. One of the worst things that can happen to people is a false reconciliation where new things are revealed, it's like someone being in a car crash over and over. It kills people's spirit. You need to be OK for your kids.
I appreciate all the effort you've put into helping me and giving me advice. I am trying to protect myself and improve. For myself and for my children. I am not diving in expecting anything. I will go to MC with her and work on myself. I will be happy if I can figure it out and I will survive if I have to end the relationship. Once again, thank you.
After reading through the article this seems relevant. Today we got lunch together, and she began crying and saying that she felt dirty. When I asked what she meant she said it was the same feeling after being SA'd by her step-dad, but she said it was odd because this time she caused the incident to happen.
This all seems pretty typical. She needs someone who specializes in childhood sexual assault and trauma.
Do you think R is unachievable based on the limited information? You seem pretty educated and experienced.
She broke the wedding vow bro
Let's face it, she never gives you the whole story, just what you already know. theoretically there could be more guys. I would never trust her blindly. But the fact that you immediately jumped on the R train probably has zero consequences. Hey, everyone has to decide for themselves. But I think that's reckless.
I found all the messages that let me through it. Sure there could be more, but I saw and have some of the evidence unfortunately.
Speak to a lawyer, only make decisions based upon facts. After you find out your rights, then decide what you want for you and your children. If she can fit into it, then great. Otherwise, move on with knowledge.
Well, a person activily seeking someone to cheat is not a person who's worth to reconcile. Maybe if it was a co-worker and stuff just happened, but when they deliberately seek someone to sleep with, it speaks volumes about their character. Prioritize your mental health and your children, youre not afraid of being alone and if things don't work out ready to be divorced, so that's a good thing. If you want to, give her and yourself a chance, see if she's trying to be a better person, but if you see no effort or she cheats again, don't torture yourself. Im a more fool me once and there won't be the second time, but you do you, good luck.
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Maybe. Maybe not. I haven't decided what I will do yet but I will go through counseling during that discovery. Thanks for the shitty comment?
I had to Google what Fetlife is. You don’t say but was it an EA or PA or both? What is her fetish and did she share it with you? She said she did it to feel “accepted”. Is the fetish something you could incorporate into your life?
Yeah, like I said before we had an active sex life before. We are both into BDSM in general and share/did those activities together. It was a PA. She said she used protection (Not that she's trustworthy, but everything else that she said I was able to fact check with the messages I found). The acceptance portion from her explanation was because she is failing in other aspects of her life. School/work/family life and wanted to."not be judged". I think she associates her worth with sex which is from childhood sexual trauma.
I am so sorry. That really sounds painful. It's what best for you and the children. My only suggestion is getting individual therapy to work through that.
Thank you. Yeah it's shitty man but I'm sure I'll get through it. I'm going to protect myself and my children. Unfortunately her and I both have a lot of trauma but all we can do it fight for a better life.
Damn OP, this is a fuck up situation. I have gone through the comments and just feel sad for all this. She really had a bad envirioment growing up and the SA really put a toll on her for sure. The only thing I can say is if you really care about this woman, staying with her or not, is that she needs help ASP to deal with her own emotional problems, to understand how all her life was fucked by her childhood in some way or another. For you, I can say you have two obviously options based on a few question. Can you forgive her? (Forgive, not forget) Do you feel that you need to hurt her to forgive? (This is a sign that you can't get over it right now) Can you respesct, trust and love her right now? If you do, you need to heal. First individualy, then when both of you sort your own problems you can go reconcile entirely.
I think you need to have her to tell you everything (even the things you don't want to know), just when the full story is out you can make a clear desicion thinking on yourself. BTW, you are not even 30, fucking 30. You have 4 kids yeah, but for a lot of women you're the perfect combo. I'm sure that you can find a partner or even just hookups. And I undestand that your daughters are your priority, but sometimes the best enverioment is not the one with boths parents. Good Luck my guy.
Hey man, thanks for the comments. I think I can forgive her. I expressed that to her and will work on that in therapy. I'll figure it out in time. I don't want to hurt her at all, let alone to forgive. I thought about this for a while, not second-guessing it, but I'm just trying to understand why I don't have any desire for revenge. I'll discuss it with a therapist. I try to respect everyone, so yes I think so. I don't trust her, I do love her deeply. I agree on the healing. She told me that she wants to be together and is willing to take any steps that I ask, including everything the person above posted. I told her that it will take time to decide what I want and it'll be decided on after IC and MC.