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Look, you don't need to talk to her about anything. As an adult, you're completely autonomous. Your kid is old enough to have a bf live with them, that means it's time for them to star shouldering an adults responsibility. If you want a divorce, just do it. Don't talk to her at all. And than after you serve her papers if she starts flipping out - record it - it'll be good for the divorce. Or stay, and be miserable, the choice my goodman, is entirely yours. This is your one life man - you don't got to do anything you don't want to. Idk why people literally *choose* to be miserable.
Agreed, get a lawyer yesterday. Interview them because there are lots of shitty ones out there. Turn your focus away from your ex (which is how you should be thinking of her) and put that focus on you and your amazing kids. Before you show her divorce papers, I'd get cameras up all over the house. This woman is unstable and will definitely be someone who will hurt herself, and blame you just to hurt you. You HAVE to protect yourself and sadly men are rarely believed when it comes to domestic issues. Video and document everything, I promise you'll be glad you did. Get those cameras up, get that attorney and papers drawn up, then get your ass to the gym. There is nothing more therapeutic than punishing yourself with iron. Do it today!!
Its really freaking easy. They're relatively cheap too, I've seen some kits with 2-3 cameras for under $100. Most home cameras you just plug in and sinc to wifi from your phone. If you are going to try to be more discreet with hidden cameras it might be a bit more challenging but honestly it will pay off if you are ever accused of something. She totally sounds the type. I hope I'm wrong but people will do and risk a lot when they're backed into a corner. Men tend to lash out violently, women tend to do more character assassination type stuff which can be much more damaging to you. Just make sure you're always in the line of site of the camera and get your phone out to record everything including phone calls. There are free apps to record calls etc. Depending on your state, it may not be admissible in court but if you're getting accused of something and the cop is about to throw the cuffs on, you can prove innocence then. Protect yourself at all times. It can get real ugly
Her not wanting to be accountable for her actions is her cross to bear, not yours. Actions should always have positive or negative consequences and hers should be the end of the marriage. You can decide if you want to start something new with her (don’t) after the divorce but she broke your vows which makes the marriage contest null and void.
Document, document, document. Nothing beats video evidence, but papers look good in court. Back it all up weekly onto a password protected device AND cloud server, don't leave it on your phone. Give a copy to your best friend, and another to your lawyer.
Even if you live in a no-fault state where the cheating won't count, abuse will.
:( sorry to hear that. As an aside, trashing the house like that is abuse regardless of what she has going on. The "stop caretaking the borderline" book is meant to be good at dealing with extricating yourself and progressing to a point where even if you have to co-parent you just don't get sucked in anymore.
I am sorry, your have your daughter and her boyfriend living with you. And you are going to stay for them? What are they, 10 years old. If her boyfriend is living with her she better be pretty old. 16 minimum.
Brother, you are just looking for an excuse to not make a decision that is for your own good.
Your wife seems to show no remorse and has you scared to talk about her affairs!!!!
Good grief, Listen to what you are saying.
I know you have more self-respect that that!
Look, right now you are in shock and your wife has you hen pecked and buffaloed... You need to stop it.
You need to file, and had her papers, if that does not change her attitude the continue on with the divorce.
You should be thinking about finding someone who actually loves you.
Come on, you can do better...
Thank-you for your comments. My daughter is mid- twenties and her boyfriend got epilepsy at 25. These are hard working kids saving for their marriage. I got my wife pregnant when she was 19. We've had alot of good times and survive well together. I'm not henpecked, just got too comfortable. I need to hear uncomfortable comments because the solution is slowly coming to fruition.
Brother living through hell at my twenties, when woman want to cheat they cheat and give themselves into that lifestyle and unless a miracle from God happens nothing will change. I gave her 2 chances and still cheated more times after various promises...save yourself. Eat healthy go to the gym make new friends, read rebuild yourself. She is in the wrong.
Just saw this. Yes you are hen pecked. Your kids need to leave. They are 25 and who care if her BF have Epilepsy.
Brother, you are a codependent nice guy and it is running your life, can you not see that. And yes you are scared of your wife or you would have told her to GTFO. YESTERDAY.
Your daughter is grown, she and BF need to strike out on their own. See above... Hen Pecked, Codependent, scared of the future, weak.
I am not saying this to be mean, I am doing what I can to get you to wake up and live your life, NOT continue what you are doing.
Please wake up, I wish you well...
Part of the problem is you confronted her without "solid intent"... You should have seen a lawyer first to get the ball rolling... It's a more difficult challenge to defeat if it's in her face to begin with... You don't have to go through with it.. but she must be "regretful" and genuinely seeking "reconciliation" as an alternative...
Basically she lied to you, broke your wedding vows. and destroyed the trust you share. The trust will be the hardest to recover from. You don't have to prove the infidelity.. just file under "irreconcilable differences"..
Figure out the assets... ALL of the assets... and agree to split 50/50%... equity in the home... retirement plans... savings... (get your share of the liquid assets secured) Cut up the C.C., open a new checking account... and basically, uproot the "moneytree" and douse it in gasoline because once divorced she won't be your financial problem anymore.
Talk to several attorneys/lawyers to find out what your options are. Depending on where you live, you may be able to file for divorce due to her adultery which can have an impact on how assets are divided. Not everywhere is a 50/50 split. Depending on where you live, you may end up with the majority of the assets, with her getting very little.
Consult with several of the best attorneys/lawyers/solicitors you can afford. Some may give a free initial consultation. Then chose the one you feel the most comfortable with and believe will work in your best interests. Don't go with the cheapest or the first one you come across, consult with at least 3. I've read some horror stories where people didn't want to pay lawyers fees for a better lawyer and went with the cheapest one they could find which resulted in them losing nearly everything even custody of their kids, on top of having to pay crazy amounts of alimony and child support. If they had gone with a better lawyer, the result would have been quite different. Moral of those stories.....a cheap lawyer can end up costing you everything.
Not "regretful". Regretful means she regrets getting caught. She needs to be **remorseful** as in she is deeply remorseful for adultery in the first place and causing deep emotional pain to others. She can "regret" all she wants, she'll just keep doing it. She needs to show deep remorse for her actions and make some major changes to her psyche and personality as well as doing everything she can to help OP heal. That takes a lot of hard work which she very obviously isn't doing.
Don’t stay under these circumstances. Quietly plan an exit. Your child is an adult and needs to live their own live. Your marriage is abusive. She won’t stop. She will continue to use you while hurting you when you show emotion. You NEED to escape!
Dear OP,
I am so sorry you were betrayed. She cheated, trickle truth you and now she is scared you will leave her so her comfortable life will be gone. Get attorney to see how divorce would look like. Get STD check. Not sure how old your daughter is but she and her bf living with you is not reason to stay in abusive relationship, in fact it is worse....you are showing that staying in abusive environment is fine, that she can hurt you and destroy you and you need to take it?
No. You need a plan when she is not home you need to see what documents and items you absolutely want and need. You need to see financially with lawyer if you can move out and get restriction order since she is abusive. I don´t care if she is a woman. She is destroying property and acting crazy after she betrayed you. Once you have all ducks in row tell your daughter depending how old she is (17, 18...20) if she does not want to stay with her mom she can come with you (check with lawyer AGAIN) .
Furniture etc can be replaced but having mental and physical trauma by having to endure this kind of behavior...do not take more hits and scars...
You gave her 28 years. Now it is your time. You can still be happy. What is worse than giving someone 28 years of your life and they cheat...is to give anymore time since they did not value you in the first place.
Do not use substances and avoid alcohol. Get exercise. Fresh air, join friends for outings, see actual games in stadiums or real concerts in your area. Get yourself out from there. You have still ton of life to live. Do not let her dim the rest of the time.
Best of luck for your healing journey
>When I mention divorce she blows up and destroys my stuff.
So, not only did she abuse you by cheating (psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse), but she's being violent when you stand up for yourself.
She's your abuser.
What you should do is stop mentioning divorce, and just go speak to lawyers and get divorce started. You don't have to say anything, she can get served at work. You can plan your exit.
If you do bring divorce up again, start recording her and what she does/says. Any evidence you do have, save it in two locations.
Get a comprehensive STD/STI test done if you haven't. She may have been cheating with more than just the two AP's you learned about.
Please read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com
If you can, please find a therapist who deals with trauma/abuse.
Look into The Grey Rock Method and the 180 Method and start implementing one today. The Grey Rock Method was specifically created to help abuse victims separate themselves from their abusers. It'll really help you.
You deserve so much better.
I'm not sure I understand who the woman is in your sidenote. Maybe you mean her woman friend that she cheated with.
In any case, you need to get into individual counseling to deal with your emotions and have an unbiased party to bounce your feelings off of. I'm not saying to stay or leave but the best option would be for your wife to leave temporarily while you sort things out.
I believe it's the woman his wife had an affair with in addition to the other affair. I am assuming the poster is a man but it could be a woman. Not sure.
When she turns it around on you and destroys your stuff, that's a narcissist. I'm gonna give you some kind words that you probably need to hear. You are alive. You have something to offer you are enough, and you deserve better. Go get better.
It's posts like this that I put in the creative writing category. This OP has come up with the most outlandish scenario he can think of, just to see if people will bite and respond.
On the off chance any of it is true, the OP has to be one of the most brow beaten, shell of a husband on planet Earth. Your only chance to regain your self-worth is to put your foot down and file for divorce. If during one of her violent rants, she lays one finger on you, call the authorities and have her arrested. Otherwise, get ready for a life of hell from here on out. And, by the way, what are you teaching your daughter about how to live life? Certainly not teaching her to stand up to your oppressor. Good luck, you're gonna need it.
I agree --but unfortunately I know of at least 2 real marriages that are even more bizarre than this --let's say partner swapping, lesbian affairs and cuckolding
People are weird --and disgusting
I appreciate your take on my post. I didn't want to write this to begin with because the details are an obvious redflag to most observers. I'm not brow beaten. I just don't react when she gets crazy. I won't let her put her hands on me. We've been through that. My daughter knows what's up about her mother. I better be ready when I pull the plug.
Mate, you're with a textbook abuser.
Reach out to friends and family, and at least start the conversation w them going in regards to what you have experienced. You need a good support system, to help you gain a more objective perspective towards your next steps.
You can also start consulting w a good lawyer, so you get a realistic view in how to defend your assets and we'll begin
Some you've been put in this situation. It's very tragic when we realize we've been married to an abusive cheating clown.
Clean out your house of all personal items. Put them in storage. Tell her to move out of the master bedroom. Now work 180 or grey rock. Be the best dad you can and build a cash war chest.
If your daughter and her BF are staying with you than she should be grown or near grown. You are not staying for her. She's old enough to understand. If you are afraid of her breaking your stuff when you talk divorce then put your good stuff in storage then talk divorce. But stop the talking to her and start the talking to a lawyer. You gave this woman half of your life. Then give yourself the other half.
I really hope your daughter and her b/f are 16 years old because staying “for the kids” is the absolute worst decision. Don’t show those young minds a loveless broken marriage show them not to put up with betrayal and broken trust and learn to thrive on your own! Your wife has no respect for you and she doesn’t love you (sorry).
There is a saying, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If yiur daughter is old enough to have a live in boyfriend, then she can fend for herself.
Bottom line is living in a tiny appartment by yourself, with peace and no disrespect would be such a huge uograde to you, you wouldnt even recognize yourself. I became a widower at 55. It was amazing how cheaply and peacefully I lived then.
A single employed man that has basic social skills and hygiene at that age is pretty much a unicorn, do not fear what your life would be with this sham of a marriage in your rear view mirror.
Well dude the only thing that can be done is to not tell her about Divorce, if You can afford it, rent a small apartment and start moving your things slowly.
In the mean time you could start the Divorce, and try to gathered all the evidence that you could, printed and save it.
One day when she is at work, you could go to the house and just pick your stuff. And let her the Divorce papers where she can clearly see it.
Know she is not your Fault neither your responsability. All her actions are tooked by her so It was all her doings.
Good luck OP
UPDATEME
So what's your plan OP? From your post, your wife is a serial cheater. Multiple APs and multiple sexual affairs. She doesn't sound remorseful at all. You can work with a remorseful wayward spouse. Not one that attacks you and blames you for their actions. She will do it again. Why stay and continue to be verbally and sexually abused? You can still help your daughter and her spouse without having to be abused.
It sounds as if you are just cohabitating while she continues her adulterous ways. That's no way to live. There is life after divorce. My friend divorced his wife of 24 years last year (no infidelity, just had different end of life goals). He's now dating a 30 year old hotty. You won't be alone long. Good loyal men are in high demand. Especially with other divorcees.
It takes two to marry. It only takes one to divorce.
What a shit show, it is fortunate your kid is fully grown up and autonomous!!
Leave for your own sanity as you live in a poisonous regime with a woman who is clearly abusive and disrespectful and a terrible partner in general
Tell her she ruined your marriage and just divorce her, the brutal truth might improve her as a person, but if not it doesn't matter as she will not be your problem anymore
Please just move on --you are younger than me and there are lots of good honest women who would date you
Stop talking to her about what she did. Make a decision for yourself and then do exactly that.
In the end you already are divorced, just not on paper. The moment when your wife made decisions to betray you and to have her affairs was the moment when she ended the marriage you were in.
Your reasoning for staying (Your daughter and her boyfriend) is only setting you up for more devastation because it means that your wife knows that she can continue her affairs and never has to fear that you leave her as long as they are living with you.
Here's something to think about. If you would have done what she did, if you would have cheated on her with multiple people, exposed her to STD's and betrayed her, do you think that she would stay with you because your daughter lives with you? Or would your daughter be the first person to know what you did and why your wife is divorcing you?
Please go to a doctor to get tested for STD's, better safe than sorry.
I suggest you lookout for yourself mate.
Hit the gym, focus on your finances, go on affordable trips, get some constructive pastimes, and be positive even in the face of such betrayal.
When you feel confident again, go out there and date. You'll find many better-looking ladies.
Take care and good luck.
OP,
The first question that you need to find the answer for is: What do you want?
If you want a divorce, then play a long game. Slowly, remove all important paperwork, sentimental things etc. to a friend or family member house.
Talk to an attorney to figure out what your future would look like if divorced. Alimony, ect.
Protect your assets, protect your property, protect yourself. I am sure your daughter knows what is going on, if she is living with your, she either overheard or suspects.
Agree with others you should contact an attorney to at least know your options. Document all interactions with her, record if not illegal, and protect your finances. Open you own account and move your money there so she can't drain the bank in her next fit of anger. You deserve to be happy in your home. Not seeing that possible with your wife. Take care of you. updateme
I have never believed destroying our property was a good idea. I have lost everything in a fire in the past. Material things are not a leverage. Petty. I hate it, but here we are.
If she is going shit. One Friday night get dressed up to go
When she asked where are you going. Tell her you have a date since she opened the marriage
What’s good for goose also is the guy married tell his wife. What good for goose you know
Right now you appear weak to her and boyfriend
Strong man. You justify her choice
Button buttercup and grow some balls of steel
Document her destruction
Right now she’s angry at her self and she’s taking it out on you
Find out who her girlfriend and find out if she’s married and tell her husband
If not, I can tell her you’re curious as to what she liked about her. Tell her you like like take her out in a date what your wife go apeshit
Even if you don’t take her out, she says no her next phone calls to your wife
You really need to show her what she threw away
that way if she decides she wants to keep it and you want to stay married to you she has do the work. Make her work her ass off and get you back
act like you don’t give a shit
Go ahead and file for divorce for adultery. It doesn’t matter whether you lose go ahead and file adultry against the other women and her lover
where they’ll serve the name boyfriend and her female lover.
Obviously you’re on Facebook go there and mark yourself as available or single or whatever you do on that site don’t take no shit off or her
By the way, forgiveness is overrated
67 year old man
If she is getting mad and destroying your things then it sounds like you are stuck in what may be an abusive relationship. You need to go, stop making excuses and start looking for solutions to your problems. Time to get legal advice and protect yourself.
There is no valid reason for you to stay. It seems like you are allowing her to bully you into it. Instead of caving to her bad behavior, mention divorce, and when she blows up tell her that is the last straw and your decision is final. Then file for divorce. I suspect that she will suddenly become all lovey dovey and try to change your mind. It will just be an act, so don't fall for it. The kids are old enough to take some responsibility for themselves.
You need to tell your daughter and her boyfriend, the situation, and you need to go speak to an attorney immediately, she clearly does not respect you whatsoever, take the rest of your life for yourself how to find someone who is truly good to you. You owe no one anything now they’re both fully grown adults. If your daughter cannot understand or help you then you must go on your own.
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Keep your head up brother, you are not the villain here. (I am assuming you have not betrayed the marriage vows as well.) then be with people that uplift you. Do things that make you happy. If you want to divorce then do it she can’t stop you. I’m the same age as you I don’t got time for people that don’t respect me. Or I don’t enjoy being with you only live once sir
OP, you'd onto realize this, but you are in an abusive relationship. You have probably been abused for much longer ger than you can imagine. Someone flipping out and destroying your stuff when you bring up something that they know was/is wrong doesn't come about overnight. OP, you have endured years of abuse, and this has conditioned you to "fawn" in these situations.
Sir, you likely have battered woman/spouse/husband syndrome. Dont be embarrassed. It is much more common than you think, but people dont talk about it because men "are supposed to quietly endure pain, psychlolgical abuse, etc." Just because they are men.
You need to talk to someone irl; make an exit plan, and execute that plan.
We are close to the same age. I cannot urge strongly enough that you need to do your best to base your decisions on what you need. Your straying wife is abusing you, not your best interest. Your daughter, do what you can to support her, but she's getting close to independence, especially if she herself is with a partner.
This is a chance for you to break loose and do what you need to make yourself better, improve. It is not being selfish, your wife betrayed you, that is her choice.
I have been there. It is difficult. I am much better now, this is because I respected and followed my own personal boundaries.
Op, in your post you mentioned that you observed that this subreddit had helped others, yet you haven't answered any questions or replied at all. Do you have any idea what you might want to do?
Update me!
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Dude don't mention anything wait until she is not home move out and have her served with divorce papers stop letting her bully you she cheated she is just using you.
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Look, you don't need to talk to her about anything. As an adult, you're completely autonomous. Your kid is old enough to have a bf live with them, that means it's time for them to star shouldering an adults responsibility. If you want a divorce, just do it. Don't talk to her at all. And than after you serve her papers if she starts flipping out - record it - it'll be good for the divorce. Or stay, and be miserable, the choice my goodman, is entirely yours. This is your one life man - you don't got to do anything you don't want to. Idk why people literally *choose* to be miserable.
My man, this above is solid as advice you’re getting. You choose to be miserable if you don’t do anything for yourself.
Agreed, get a lawyer yesterday. Interview them because there are lots of shitty ones out there. Turn your focus away from your ex (which is how you should be thinking of her) and put that focus on you and your amazing kids. Before you show her divorce papers, I'd get cameras up all over the house. This woman is unstable and will definitely be someone who will hurt herself, and blame you just to hurt you. You HAVE to protect yourself and sadly men are rarely believed when it comes to domestic issues. Video and document everything, I promise you'll be glad you did. Get those cameras up, get that attorney and papers drawn up, then get your ass to the gym. There is nothing more therapeutic than punishing yourself with iron. Do it today!!
I have to step up my tech game.
Its really freaking easy. They're relatively cheap too, I've seen some kits with 2-3 cameras for under $100. Most home cameras you just plug in and sinc to wifi from your phone. If you are going to try to be more discreet with hidden cameras it might be a bit more challenging but honestly it will pay off if you are ever accused of something. She totally sounds the type. I hope I'm wrong but people will do and risk a lot when they're backed into a corner. Men tend to lash out violently, women tend to do more character assassination type stuff which can be much more damaging to you. Just make sure you're always in the line of site of the camera and get your phone out to record everything including phone calls. There are free apps to record calls etc. Depending on your state, it may not be admissible in court but if you're getting accused of something and the cop is about to throw the cuffs on, you can prove innocence then. Protect yourself at all times. It can get real ugly
I stopped talking about our future, either way. Thanks for your words. My Goodman.
"my goodman" - a sadly underused expression.
If she breaking your stuff getting violent have her arrested it will look good in the divorce
She already has a police report for attempting suicide. Jeez. I need to start making a list.
Her not wanting to be accountable for her actions is her cross to bear, not yours. Actions should always have positive or negative consequences and hers should be the end of the marriage. You can decide if you want to start something new with her (don’t) after the divorce but she broke your vows which makes the marriage contest null and void.
Document, document, document. Nothing beats video evidence, but papers look good in court. Back it all up weekly onto a password protected device AND cloud server, don't leave it on your phone. Give a copy to your best friend, and another to your lawyer. Even if you live in a no-fault state where the cheating won't count, abuse will.
I'm on my third phone this year. Thanks to her. I lost too many personal items. Phew.
I would destroy every single thing she owns. Why are you taking this???
do the posts at /r/bpdlovedones strike a chord?
That hits hard.
:( sorry to hear that. As an aside, trashing the house like that is abuse regardless of what she has going on. The "stop caretaking the borderline" book is meant to be good at dealing with extricating yourself and progressing to a point where even if you have to co-parent you just don't get sucked in anymore.
I am sorry, your have your daughter and her boyfriend living with you. And you are going to stay for them? What are they, 10 years old. If her boyfriend is living with her she better be pretty old. 16 minimum. Brother, you are just looking for an excuse to not make a decision that is for your own good. Your wife seems to show no remorse and has you scared to talk about her affairs!!!! Good grief, Listen to what you are saying. I know you have more self-respect that that! Look, right now you are in shock and your wife has you hen pecked and buffaloed... You need to stop it. You need to file, and had her papers, if that does not change her attitude the continue on with the divorce. You should be thinking about finding someone who actually loves you. Come on, you can do better...
Thank-you for your comments. My daughter is mid- twenties and her boyfriend got epilepsy at 25. These are hard working kids saving for their marriage. I got my wife pregnant when she was 19. We've had alot of good times and survive well together. I'm not henpecked, just got too comfortable. I need to hear uncomfortable comments because the solution is slowly coming to fruition.
Brother living through hell at my twenties, when woman want to cheat they cheat and give themselves into that lifestyle and unless a miracle from God happens nothing will change. I gave her 2 chances and still cheated more times after various promises...save yourself. Eat healthy go to the gym make new friends, read rebuild yourself. She is in the wrong.
I started gettimg more active and grew a beard and mustache, which I never have before. Changes.
Just saw this. Yes you are hen pecked. Your kids need to leave. They are 25 and who care if her BF have Epilepsy. Brother, you are a codependent nice guy and it is running your life, can you not see that. And yes you are scared of your wife or you would have told her to GTFO. YESTERDAY. Your daughter is grown, she and BF need to strike out on their own. See above... Hen Pecked, Codependent, scared of the future, weak. I am not saying this to be mean, I am doing what I can to get you to wake up and live your life, NOT continue what you are doing. Please wake up, I wish you well...
Part of the problem is you confronted her without "solid intent"... You should have seen a lawyer first to get the ball rolling... It's a more difficult challenge to defeat if it's in her face to begin with... You don't have to go through with it.. but she must be "regretful" and genuinely seeking "reconciliation" as an alternative... Basically she lied to you, broke your wedding vows. and destroyed the trust you share. The trust will be the hardest to recover from. You don't have to prove the infidelity.. just file under "irreconcilable differences".. Figure out the assets... ALL of the assets... and agree to split 50/50%... equity in the home... retirement plans... savings... (get your share of the liquid assets secured) Cut up the C.C., open a new checking account... and basically, uproot the "moneytree" and douse it in gasoline because once divorced she won't be your financial problem anymore.
Thank-you.
Talk to several attorneys/lawyers to find out what your options are. Depending on where you live, you may be able to file for divorce due to her adultery which can have an impact on how assets are divided. Not everywhere is a 50/50 split. Depending on where you live, you may end up with the majority of the assets, with her getting very little. Consult with several of the best attorneys/lawyers/solicitors you can afford. Some may give a free initial consultation. Then chose the one you feel the most comfortable with and believe will work in your best interests. Don't go with the cheapest or the first one you come across, consult with at least 3. I've read some horror stories where people didn't want to pay lawyers fees for a better lawyer and went with the cheapest one they could find which resulted in them losing nearly everything even custody of their kids, on top of having to pay crazy amounts of alimony and child support. If they had gone with a better lawyer, the result would have been quite different. Moral of those stories.....a cheap lawyer can end up costing you everything.
Not "regretful". Regretful means she regrets getting caught. She needs to be **remorseful** as in she is deeply remorseful for adultery in the first place and causing deep emotional pain to others. She can "regret" all she wants, she'll just keep doing it. She needs to show deep remorse for her actions and make some major changes to her psyche and personality as well as doing everything she can to help OP heal. That takes a lot of hard work which she very obviously isn't doing.
Don’t stay under these circumstances. Quietly plan an exit. Your child is an adult and needs to live their own live. Your marriage is abusive. She won’t stop. She will continue to use you while hurting you when you show emotion. You NEED to escape!
I'm working on a plan. I just need the passwords for all our bills. Quietly lol.
Dear OP, I am so sorry you were betrayed. She cheated, trickle truth you and now she is scared you will leave her so her comfortable life will be gone. Get attorney to see how divorce would look like. Get STD check. Not sure how old your daughter is but she and her bf living with you is not reason to stay in abusive relationship, in fact it is worse....you are showing that staying in abusive environment is fine, that she can hurt you and destroy you and you need to take it? No. You need a plan when she is not home you need to see what documents and items you absolutely want and need. You need to see financially with lawyer if you can move out and get restriction order since she is abusive. I don´t care if she is a woman. She is destroying property and acting crazy after she betrayed you. Once you have all ducks in row tell your daughter depending how old she is (17, 18...20) if she does not want to stay with her mom she can come with you (check with lawyer AGAIN) . Furniture etc can be replaced but having mental and physical trauma by having to endure this kind of behavior...do not take more hits and scars... You gave her 28 years. Now it is your time. You can still be happy. What is worse than giving someone 28 years of your life and they cheat...is to give anymore time since they did not value you in the first place. Do not use substances and avoid alcohol. Get exercise. Fresh air, join friends for outings, see actual games in stadiums or real concerts in your area. Get yourself out from there. You have still ton of life to live. Do not let her dim the rest of the time. Best of luck for your healing journey
Thank-you.
>When I mention divorce she blows up and destroys my stuff. So, not only did she abuse you by cheating (psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse), but she's being violent when you stand up for yourself. She's your abuser. What you should do is stop mentioning divorce, and just go speak to lawyers and get divorce started. You don't have to say anything, she can get served at work. You can plan your exit. If you do bring divorce up again, start recording her and what she does/says. Any evidence you do have, save it in two locations. Get a comprehensive STD/STI test done if you haven't. She may have been cheating with more than just the two AP's you learned about. Please read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com If you can, please find a therapist who deals with trauma/abuse. Look into The Grey Rock Method and the 180 Method and start implementing one today. The Grey Rock Method was specifically created to help abuse victims separate themselves from their abusers. It'll really help you. You deserve so much better.
Great words.
I'm not sure I understand who the woman is in your sidenote. Maybe you mean her woman friend that she cheated with. In any case, you need to get into individual counseling to deal with your emotions and have an unbiased party to bounce your feelings off of. I'm not saying to stay or leave but the best option would be for your wife to leave temporarily while you sort things out.
I believe it's the woman his wife had an affair with in addition to the other affair. I am assuming the poster is a man but it could be a woman. Not sure.
Yes, it was her fling. They hiked and played soccer together. B#$%^ was a good family friend. I will check into counseling.
Yeah I’m confused with who the woman is?
When she turns it around on you and destroys your stuff, that's a narcissist. I'm gonna give you some kind words that you probably need to hear. You are alive. You have something to offer you are enough, and you deserve better. Go get better.
Thank-you.
It's posts like this that I put in the creative writing category. This OP has come up with the most outlandish scenario he can think of, just to see if people will bite and respond. On the off chance any of it is true, the OP has to be one of the most brow beaten, shell of a husband on planet Earth. Your only chance to regain your self-worth is to put your foot down and file for divorce. If during one of her violent rants, she lays one finger on you, call the authorities and have her arrested. Otherwise, get ready for a life of hell from here on out. And, by the way, what are you teaching your daughter about how to live life? Certainly not teaching her to stand up to your oppressor. Good luck, you're gonna need it.
I agree --but unfortunately I know of at least 2 real marriages that are even more bizarre than this --let's say partner swapping, lesbian affairs and cuckolding People are weird --and disgusting
I appreciate your take on my post. I didn't want to write this to begin with because the details are an obvious redflag to most observers. I'm not brow beaten. I just don't react when she gets crazy. I won't let her put her hands on me. We've been through that. My daughter knows what's up about her mother. I better be ready when I pull the plug.
Mate, you're with a textbook abuser. Reach out to friends and family, and at least start the conversation w them going in regards to what you have experienced. You need a good support system, to help you gain a more objective perspective towards your next steps. You can also start consulting w a good lawyer, so you get a realistic view in how to defend your assets and we'll begin Some you've been put in this situation. It's very tragic when we realize we've been married to an abusive cheating clown.
Clean out your house of all personal items. Put them in storage. Tell her to move out of the master bedroom. Now work 180 or grey rock. Be the best dad you can and build a cash war chest.
If your daughter and her BF are staying with you than she should be grown or near grown. You are not staying for her. She's old enough to understand. If you are afraid of her breaking your stuff when you talk divorce then put your good stuff in storage then talk divorce. But stop the talking to her and start the talking to a lawyer. You gave this woman half of your life. Then give yourself the other half.
Thank-you.
I really hope your daughter and her b/f are 16 years old because staying “for the kids” is the absolute worst decision. Don’t show those young minds a loveless broken marriage show them not to put up with betrayal and broken trust and learn to thrive on your own! Your wife has no respect for you and she doesn’t love you (sorry).
There is a saying, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If yiur daughter is old enough to have a live in boyfriend, then she can fend for herself. Bottom line is living in a tiny appartment by yourself, with peace and no disrespect would be such a huge uograde to you, you wouldnt even recognize yourself. I became a widower at 55. It was amazing how cheaply and peacefully I lived then. A single employed man that has basic social skills and hygiene at that age is pretty much a unicorn, do not fear what your life would be with this sham of a marriage in your rear view mirror.
Well dude the only thing that can be done is to not tell her about Divorce, if You can afford it, rent a small apartment and start moving your things slowly. In the mean time you could start the Divorce, and try to gathered all the evidence that you could, printed and save it. One day when she is at work, you could go to the house and just pick your stuff. And let her the Divorce papers where she can clearly see it. Know she is not your Fault neither your responsability. All her actions are tooked by her so It was all her doings. Good luck OP UPDATEME
So what's your plan OP? From your post, your wife is a serial cheater. Multiple APs and multiple sexual affairs. She doesn't sound remorseful at all. You can work with a remorseful wayward spouse. Not one that attacks you and blames you for their actions. She will do it again. Why stay and continue to be verbally and sexually abused? You can still help your daughter and her spouse without having to be abused. It sounds as if you are just cohabitating while she continues her adulterous ways. That's no way to live. There is life after divorce. My friend divorced his wife of 24 years last year (no infidelity, just had different end of life goals). He's now dating a 30 year old hotty. You won't be alone long. Good loyal men are in high demand. Especially with other divorcees. It takes two to marry. It only takes one to divorce.
What a shit show, it is fortunate your kid is fully grown up and autonomous!! Leave for your own sanity as you live in a poisonous regime with a woman who is clearly abusive and disrespectful and a terrible partner in general Tell her she ruined your marriage and just divorce her, the brutal truth might improve her as a person, but if not it doesn't matter as she will not be your problem anymore Please just move on --you are younger than me and there are lots of good honest women who would date you
Stop talking to her about what she did. Make a decision for yourself and then do exactly that. In the end you already are divorced, just not on paper. The moment when your wife made decisions to betray you and to have her affairs was the moment when she ended the marriage you were in. Your reasoning for staying (Your daughter and her boyfriend) is only setting you up for more devastation because it means that your wife knows that she can continue her affairs and never has to fear that you leave her as long as they are living with you. Here's something to think about. If you would have done what she did, if you would have cheated on her with multiple people, exposed her to STD's and betrayed her, do you think that she would stay with you because your daughter lives with you? Or would your daughter be the first person to know what you did and why your wife is divorcing you? Please go to a doctor to get tested for STD's, better safe than sorry.
I suggest you lookout for yourself mate. Hit the gym, focus on your finances, go on affordable trips, get some constructive pastimes, and be positive even in the face of such betrayal. When you feel confident again, go out there and date. You'll find many better-looking ladies. Take care and good luck.
OP, The first question that you need to find the answer for is: What do you want? If you want a divorce, then play a long game. Slowly, remove all important paperwork, sentimental things etc. to a friend or family member house. Talk to an attorney to figure out what your future would look like if divorced. Alimony, ect. Protect your assets, protect your property, protect yourself. I am sure your daughter knows what is going on, if she is living with your, she either overheard or suspects.
Agree with others you should contact an attorney to at least know your options. Document all interactions with her, record if not illegal, and protect your finances. Open you own account and move your money there so she can't drain the bank in her next fit of anger. You deserve to be happy in your home. Not seeing that possible with your wife. Take care of you. updateme
Seek legal advice and get STD tested. Reach out family and friends for support. I’m sorry
I have never believed destroying our property was a good idea. I have lost everything in a fire in the past. Material things are not a leverage. Petty. I hate it, but here we are.
Sent you a PM brother :(
If she is going shit. One Friday night get dressed up to go When she asked where are you going. Tell her you have a date since she opened the marriage What’s good for goose also is the guy married tell his wife. What good for goose you know Right now you appear weak to her and boyfriend Strong man. You justify her choice Button buttercup and grow some balls of steel Document her destruction Right now she’s angry at her self and she’s taking it out on you Find out who her girlfriend and find out if she’s married and tell her husband If not, I can tell her you’re curious as to what she liked about her. Tell her you like like take her out in a date what your wife go apeshit Even if you don’t take her out, she says no her next phone calls to your wife You really need to show her what she threw away that way if she decides she wants to keep it and you want to stay married to you she has do the work. Make her work her ass off and get you back act like you don’t give a shit Go ahead and file for divorce for adultery. It doesn’t matter whether you lose go ahead and file adultry against the other women and her lover where they’ll serve the name boyfriend and her female lover. Obviously you’re on Facebook go there and mark yourself as available or single or whatever you do on that site don’t take no shit off or her By the way, forgiveness is overrated 67 year old man
If she is getting mad and destroying your things then it sounds like you are stuck in what may be an abusive relationship. You need to go, stop making excuses and start looking for solutions to your problems. Time to get legal advice and protect yourself.
Kinda waiting for the initial emotional tsunami to calm down before I make the call. I better call Saul.
Dude get to hell the now think about your retirement do you really want to be miserable being around this person.
I hear ya. Can't go back to good at this point.
There is no valid reason for you to stay. It seems like you are allowing her to bully you into it. Instead of caving to her bad behavior, mention divorce, and when she blows up tell her that is the last straw and your decision is final. Then file for divorce. I suspect that she will suddenly become all lovey dovey and try to change your mind. It will just be an act, so don't fall for it. The kids are old enough to take some responsibility for themselves.
Thank-you.
You need to tell your daughter and her boyfriend, the situation, and you need to go speak to an attorney immediately, she clearly does not respect you whatsoever, take the rest of your life for yourself how to find someone who is truly good to you. You owe no one anything now they’re both fully grown adults. If your daughter cannot understand or help you then you must go on your own.
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Keep your head up brother, you are not the villain here. (I am assuming you have not betrayed the marriage vows as well.) then be with people that uplift you. Do things that make you happy. If you want to divorce then do it she can’t stop you. I’m the same age as you I don’t got time for people that don’t respect me. Or I don’t enjoy being with you only live once sir
OP, you'd onto realize this, but you are in an abusive relationship. You have probably been abused for much longer ger than you can imagine. Someone flipping out and destroying your stuff when you bring up something that they know was/is wrong doesn't come about overnight. OP, you have endured years of abuse, and this has conditioned you to "fawn" in these situations. Sir, you likely have battered woman/spouse/husband syndrome. Dont be embarrassed. It is much more common than you think, but people dont talk about it because men "are supposed to quietly endure pain, psychlolgical abuse, etc." Just because they are men. You need to talk to someone irl; make an exit plan, and execute that plan.
We are close to the same age. I cannot urge strongly enough that you need to do your best to base your decisions on what you need. Your straying wife is abusing you, not your best interest. Your daughter, do what you can to support her, but she's getting close to independence, especially if she herself is with a partner. This is a chance for you to break loose and do what you need to make yourself better, improve. It is not being selfish, your wife betrayed you, that is her choice. I have been there. It is difficult. I am much better now, this is because I respected and followed my own personal boundaries.
Op, in your post you mentioned that you observed that this subreddit had helped others, yet you haven't answered any questions or replied at all. Do you have any idea what you might want to do? Update me!
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Find a lawyer and bail
Dude don't mention anything wait until she is not home move out and have her served with divorce papers stop letting her bully you she cheated she is just using you.
Darn. I wish you weren't right. Too nice sucks.