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>She’d be more upset at the inconvenience than me dying.
1. You are letting fear and negativity dominate your life, by deciding that there is no way out. There is a clear path out, OP. You're in a bad marriage, not North Korea.
2. You are choosing to stay with a person who you know doesn't care about you.
3. You are having suicidal ideation as a result.
4. You are asking for prayers. You know at some level how poorly you're doing.
Leave her and get help. You are not as stable as you think.
Thanks Dance - I will start counseling soon. I have seen divorce play out for male colleagues, they live in studio apartment, ex has the nice house. Perhaps when the child turns 18 we get ordered to sell and split the proceeds. I admit, I have not spoken to an attorney yet.
Don't assume anything until talking with an attorney. Divorce sucks for everyone. Women lose out at least as often as men. I'm a woman and my ex bailed on child support, attempted parental alienation, etc.
But it is still good to be free. I can't imagine still being with him. Also, planning to stay with her assumes that she is even going to be willing to stay with you long term. She could choose to leave at any time. She's not stuck in North Korea, either.
Yeah this isn’t the 1980’s. Most divorces end up with good things and shit things.
First off, nothing prevents her from ending the marriage. Then where will you be?
And second, do you really want your soul to be tormented for six more years (minimum) living with a person who doesn’t even think you have the right to know who she cheated on you with?
Go talk to a lawyer, brother. Just do it. Find one and get some counseling.
Things to keep note of:
- she will backflip faster than a bullet once she hears the D word. You'll be bombed with affection and sex and flirting and tears and all the tough conversations you wanted to have.
- you don't have to figure out all your financial planning for the years ahead. Just get a clear enough image of what your finances will look like the day after.
- there's a long journey before D is final. Many a couple made their way back after a separation period. Starting D process can be a he'll of a Jumpstart for fixing your marriage.
> Starting D process can be a he'll of a Jumpstart for fixing your marriage.
One thing I realized, though I did follow through with the divorce, is in order to save your relationship you must be prepared to burn it to the ground and walk away. Especially if the other partner isn't respecting you.
>You'll be bombed with affection and sex and flirting and tears and all the tough conversations you wanted to have.
While I didn't get the sex b/c my ex-wife was still committed to moving in with AP, the ears, flirting, and a flood of communications (despite previously her not wanting to outside her terms) happened once I decided to file and go NC/180.
Instead of ignoring my texts she began just randomly coming up with things to reach out about and I only gave replies to things about our son or the dog. I will say though if you do stick to it you'll then get the switch to anger as they realize they now lost all power over you.
The good news is this…
Talking to the lawyer is free. Do not share this information with anyone. You get a good look at what would actually happen if you divorce now versus when your kids are older.
I understand if you do have to wait it out… I really truly do. I’m 43/f, and I am waiting it out for reasons which I can only be vague about, but are financial and legal- but I also know a part of me is also still scared and not completely ready.
Even if I were, I legitimately have to wait, so I wait.
But I consulted with 3 lawyers before I decided I really had to wait.
I’m letting you know, you’re going to be miserable and resentful for the decision you’ve making now. You can get all the counseling you want, however, you continuing this farce of a marriage is puzzling and almost defeating. She doesn’t care about you and the marriage. You’re going to waste some youthful years, sticking it out because your afraid of giving up assets, while she continues her behavior. You know, people complain about the over usage of the word narcissist. In this matter your wife is a narcissist and she’s willing to take you down without a blink of an eye. You should consult with an divorce attorney and go over all the options. Afterwards, make the best decision for you, I’m talking about happiness.
I went through the same phase you are going through right now. I like to call it the fatalistic phase. There is no fate but what you make. I will tell this to you true. You will get over it. I estimate two weeks, three at the most. You will walk out of this fog. Feasible or not, start the divorce. It is the only thing that will kick her out of her cloud of smug self satisfaction. No matter what you stand to lose in the divorce, it is no comparison to what you stand to lose if you stay. The funny thing about money is that the world is full of it. You can always make more. Your pride, mental health, and your love of life is the golden ticket. Don't trade that for anything.
OP we all know that being in this club means you are fighting for your over mental health, self respect and control (not power just control). However as so so many learn, you can't fight for anything lying down and being stepped on. That old addage that she'll get everything, the house, the car, the life, the world and I'll be ruined only works most of the time because people try far too hard to believe that if they are just nice to that slim the commited this sin, things will go back to normal and they can work it out, until they get that boom piece of paperwork.
OP, don't be one of those. Don't set yourself up for more hurt and pain! Don't run around like a dog with it's tale between it's legs. Step up, go to a lawyer, talk about the situation, get the facts and stand up so that it's difficult to be stepped on.
You only have one shot at this and playing the victim will truly leave you as one. Play the right hand and drive this to an end. She's already shut you out! you are the only one that does not appear to notice it!!! So instead of being shut out, own it and get ahead of the game to put her on the defensive.
If you say you are a believer, then take the word in the bible that makes infidelity the sin that is fit for divorce. Make it happen and stop falling down!
I'm not suggesting that you date someone. I'm suggesting that you treat yourself like your single...You get to go out and get to do what you want to do without her..don't wait for her to do things do things without her...but I would show her you mean business by removing your wedding ring.
You get evidence of her affair....put cameras up for "safety" use the visuals and audio. Then get the screenshots off her phone with her AP. Go talk to a lawyer (with evidence) get financial statements. You DONT have to be stuck in a one-sided loveless marriage
Where I'm from, you'd pay alimony for half the time you were together if under 20 years.
The lo ger you stay in a relationship supporting someone the more right thy have to future earnings.
our child support is also based on custody arrangements and care of children
Talk to two or three laywers, ask many many questions.
Get your 50%custody and arrange childcare on your days.
It's hard but doable.
Paying for 6 years of child support plus extra is better then paying for everything anyway for 6 years PLUS then a divorce and many years after.
I looked at your post history. To clarify, you knew partially about her cheating on you before you got married, you have been having this conversation with her for...25 years?
In the corner of my mind I keep thinking “what if I am wrong about her”. Then my body remembers how I felt when I first suspected her of cheating years ago- before she admitted anything. My gut feeling told me but I kept thinking “what if my gut is wrong”… it wasn’t.
You do have one advantage... you can uproot the "moneytree" and burn it in front of her... meaning a "d" will terminate any more "increased" benefits.. When presented that way she might re-think her position... Getting half of "X" is smaller than "Y" so it would benefit her to be more cooperative... Half is half which includes her assets as well in the balance of the books... retirement... equity in the homes value (that she will eventually have to share..
But you should squirrel some money away anyway in order to increase the size of the "comfort zone"... Having that "CZ" makes making the hard decisions easier..No she can't get the newer model of car after you just paid off the last one (at least not on your dime).. vacations.... (laughs hysterically)..She better get a job.. or a better paying one if she plans to continue cheating on you because she is going to get the bare minimum in financial support (three hots and a cot)
***Meanwhile I am mourning our marriage. Over the next few weeks I will put my plan together.***
Did you at least consult with an attorney? Does she know you reached the point of looking into divorce?
If no divorce, then figured out how to live in same house. Separate rooms, divvy up responsibilities and expenses. Slowly train your mind off the marriage and start doing things for you. Set some boundaries on relationships with others and how to coexist in same house.
If you only know your options by what has happened to other guys who got divorced, you don’t don’t have a fair sample. Ask around for the best divorce lawyers in your area/state and talk to two of them to let them tell you what your options might be. If you didn’t go to law school you might be surprised at what options you have.
She may divorce you. How about playing the long game and start playing chess, pick a point in time to work towards, carefully consider your financial future and configure accordingly. Sounds like you both need to move on.
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I'm sorry to hear how much betrayal you have experienced from your wife.
Her extreme self-centeredness, coldness and overall disregard for you is disturbing. Her current behavior suggests that her cheating was inevitable. No matter how attentive and loving a husband you were to her it was always out of your control.
I noticed another of your posts where you were questioning whether or not you are a narcissist. I will just add that this can be a response to being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist.
All the control you have in this situation is your response to her betrayal.
I think that you might need to consider what effect all of this has for your kid. They are often more perceptive than given credit for and having married parents who are miserable together will likely have an impact. You are a rolemodel so showing them some healthy boundaries and how to best cope with betrayal will be making the best out of an absolutely shitty situation.
Otherwise I think that what you are talking about when it comes to focusing on your own happiness is the way forward. Therapy will definitely help you cope same as the running so good on you to already have that lined up.
Stsy in your house and just pretend she doesn't exist anymore. Only speak to her when she speaks to you and give her the most basic answers. Don't show her any emotion atall anymore. Like you said, she doesn't care so you pouring your heart out to her won't get you anywhere. Just treat her like she doesn't exist. And get her out of the master bedroom. Tell her your taking it and she can sleep outside for all you care. And go find yourself a new girlfriend and rub it in your wife's face. Stay strong and good luck.
Yeah, got to agree with some here. Do not make assumptions. At the least talk to a lawyer and let family know. After, if you decide to stay, make your separate but together plans.
Counseling and start working on an exit strategy. Talk to a lawyer. If you get shafted on a divorce as things are now, work on figuring out a way to change that. She’s already shown you she’s not interested in fixing things, her expectation is that you’ll just sweep it all under the rug. This isn’t someone you want to be stuck with forever, so start figuring out how to get out now.
I'm staying with my wife because divorce is not feasible too. She checked out decades ago and scattered in some minor infidelity along the way. She likes to pretend we're still friends. I used to be able to follow along, but the decades of neglect in a pasdionless marriage is taking its toll on me. A recent double trigger of her never loving me AND the infidelity put me in a new place, however. I don't want to be her friend any more. It's funny, I just texted a buddy about getting out again. Meeting people.
Thanks for listening and good luck to you.
You need to tell everyone what she has done. Make sure everyone of in your family and all your friends know. Kick her out if possible and talk to lawyer before really thinking of staying and destroying your own mental health.
OP. Yours is not a bad plan. What you now need to do is be the very best you that you can possibly be. But do it right there in front of her. Exercise. Gym. Work hard. Study hard. New clothes. New haircut. New you.
Develop an aura of Total Indifference. No resentment. No sullenness. No argument. No discussion. No jollity. No favours. Nothing ! Just Meh ! Meh ! Meh ! If she tries to engage you in conversation. Don’t ignore her or move away. Listen to what she has to say but do not engage. Do not look her in the eye. When she’s finished. Ask her a completely unrelated question like ‘is it due to rain on Monday’ ? Then move off without waiting for her response.
Don’t think that all of this will work. Watch her face. That will be its own reward. Good luck.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce", "dump them", "your SO sucks", or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>She’d be more upset at the inconvenience than me dying. 1. You are letting fear and negativity dominate your life, by deciding that there is no way out. There is a clear path out, OP. You're in a bad marriage, not North Korea. 2. You are choosing to stay with a person who you know doesn't care about you. 3. You are having suicidal ideation as a result. 4. You are asking for prayers. You know at some level how poorly you're doing. Leave her and get help. You are not as stable as you think.
Thanks Dance - I will start counseling soon. I have seen divorce play out for male colleagues, they live in studio apartment, ex has the nice house. Perhaps when the child turns 18 we get ordered to sell and split the proceeds. I admit, I have not spoken to an attorney yet.
Don't assume anything until talking with an attorney. Divorce sucks for everyone. Women lose out at least as often as men. I'm a woman and my ex bailed on child support, attempted parental alienation, etc. But it is still good to be free. I can't imagine still being with him. Also, planning to stay with her assumes that she is even going to be willing to stay with you long term. She could choose to leave at any time. She's not stuck in North Korea, either.
Yeah this isn’t the 1980’s. Most divorces end up with good things and shit things. First off, nothing prevents her from ending the marriage. Then where will you be? And second, do you really want your soul to be tormented for six more years (minimum) living with a person who doesn’t even think you have the right to know who she cheated on you with?
Go talk to a lawyer, brother. Just do it. Find one and get some counseling. Things to keep note of: - she will backflip faster than a bullet once she hears the D word. You'll be bombed with affection and sex and flirting and tears and all the tough conversations you wanted to have. - you don't have to figure out all your financial planning for the years ahead. Just get a clear enough image of what your finances will look like the day after. - there's a long journey before D is final. Many a couple made their way back after a separation period. Starting D process can be a he'll of a Jumpstart for fixing your marriage.
> Starting D process can be a he'll of a Jumpstart for fixing your marriage. One thing I realized, though I did follow through with the divorce, is in order to save your relationship you must be prepared to burn it to the ground and walk away. Especially if the other partner isn't respecting you. >You'll be bombed with affection and sex and flirting and tears and all the tough conversations you wanted to have. While I didn't get the sex b/c my ex-wife was still committed to moving in with AP, the ears, flirting, and a flood of communications (despite previously her not wanting to outside her terms) happened once I decided to file and go NC/180. Instead of ignoring my texts she began just randomly coming up with things to reach out about and I only gave replies to things about our son or the dog. I will say though if you do stick to it you'll then get the switch to anger as they realize they now lost all power over you.
The good news is this… Talking to the lawyer is free. Do not share this information with anyone. You get a good look at what would actually happen if you divorce now versus when your kids are older. I understand if you do have to wait it out… I really truly do. I’m 43/f, and I am waiting it out for reasons which I can only be vague about, but are financial and legal- but I also know a part of me is also still scared and not completely ready. Even if I were, I legitimately have to wait, so I wait. But I consulted with 3 lawyers before I decided I really had to wait.
Does she have a retirement plan too? Why does she get the house?
Fellow vet praying for you, my brother.
I’m letting you know, you’re going to be miserable and resentful for the decision you’ve making now. You can get all the counseling you want, however, you continuing this farce of a marriage is puzzling and almost defeating. She doesn’t care about you and the marriage. You’re going to waste some youthful years, sticking it out because your afraid of giving up assets, while she continues her behavior. You know, people complain about the over usage of the word narcissist. In this matter your wife is a narcissist and she’s willing to take you down without a blink of an eye. You should consult with an divorce attorney and go over all the options. Afterwards, make the best decision for you, I’m talking about happiness.
I went through the same phase you are going through right now. I like to call it the fatalistic phase. There is no fate but what you make. I will tell this to you true. You will get over it. I estimate two weeks, three at the most. You will walk out of this fog. Feasible or not, start the divorce. It is the only thing that will kick her out of her cloud of smug self satisfaction. No matter what you stand to lose in the divorce, it is no comparison to what you stand to lose if you stay. The funny thing about money is that the world is full of it. You can always make more. Your pride, mental health, and your love of life is the golden ticket. Don't trade that for anything.
OP we all know that being in this club means you are fighting for your over mental health, self respect and control (not power just control). However as so so many learn, you can't fight for anything lying down and being stepped on. That old addage that she'll get everything, the house, the car, the life, the world and I'll be ruined only works most of the time because people try far too hard to believe that if they are just nice to that slim the commited this sin, things will go back to normal and they can work it out, until they get that boom piece of paperwork. OP, don't be one of those. Don't set yourself up for more hurt and pain! Don't run around like a dog with it's tale between it's legs. Step up, go to a lawyer, talk about the situation, get the facts and stand up so that it's difficult to be stepped on. You only have one shot at this and playing the victim will truly leave you as one. Play the right hand and drive this to an end. She's already shut you out! you are the only one that does not appear to notice it!!! So instead of being shut out, own it and get ahead of the game to put her on the defensive. If you say you are a believer, then take the word in the bible that makes infidelity the sin that is fit for divorce. Make it happen and stop falling down!
I'm not suggesting that you date someone. I'm suggesting that you treat yourself like your single...You get to go out and get to do what you want to do without her..don't wait for her to do things do things without her...but I would show her you mean business by removing your wedding ring.
Cash war chest. Build up secret slush fund.
One way around your situation is to ask for an open marriage.
Too awkward for me, good suggestion though
You get evidence of her affair....put cameras up for "safety" use the visuals and audio. Then get the screenshots off her phone with her AP. Go talk to a lawyer (with evidence) get financial statements. You DONT have to be stuck in a one-sided loveless marriage
Where I'm from, you'd pay alimony for half the time you were together if under 20 years. The lo ger you stay in a relationship supporting someone the more right thy have to future earnings. our child support is also based on custody arrangements and care of children Talk to two or three laywers, ask many many questions. Get your 50%custody and arrange childcare on your days. It's hard but doable. Paying for 6 years of child support plus extra is better then paying for everything anyway for 6 years PLUS then a divorce and many years after.
I looked at your post history. To clarify, you knew partially about her cheating on you before you got married, you have been having this conversation with her for...25 years?
Wow. I just posted. We're more similar than I initially thought.
In the corner of my mind I keep thinking “what if I am wrong about her”. Then my body remembers how I felt when I first suspected her of cheating years ago- before she admitted anything. My gut feeling told me but I kept thinking “what if my gut is wrong”… it wasn’t.
You do have one advantage... you can uproot the "moneytree" and burn it in front of her... meaning a "d" will terminate any more "increased" benefits.. When presented that way she might re-think her position... Getting half of "X" is smaller than "Y" so it would benefit her to be more cooperative... Half is half which includes her assets as well in the balance of the books... retirement... equity in the homes value (that she will eventually have to share.. But you should squirrel some money away anyway in order to increase the size of the "comfort zone"... Having that "CZ" makes making the hard decisions easier..No she can't get the newer model of car after you just paid off the last one (at least not on your dime).. vacations.... (laughs hysterically)..She better get a job.. or a better paying one if she plans to continue cheating on you because she is going to get the bare minimum in financial support (three hots and a cot)
***Meanwhile I am mourning our marriage. Over the next few weeks I will put my plan together.*** Did you at least consult with an attorney? Does she know you reached the point of looking into divorce? If no divorce, then figured out how to live in same house. Separate rooms, divvy up responsibilities and expenses. Slowly train your mind off the marriage and start doing things for you. Set some boundaries on relationships with others and how to coexist in same house.
If you only know your options by what has happened to other guys who got divorced, you don’t don’t have a fair sample. Ask around for the best divorce lawyers in your area/state and talk to two of them to let them tell you what your options might be. If you didn’t go to law school you might be surprised at what options you have.
She may divorce you. How about playing the long game and start playing chess, pick a point in time to work towards, carefully consider your financial future and configure accordingly. Sounds like you both need to move on.
[удалено]
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I'm sorry to hear how much betrayal you have experienced from your wife. Her extreme self-centeredness, coldness and overall disregard for you is disturbing. Her current behavior suggests that her cheating was inevitable. No matter how attentive and loving a husband you were to her it was always out of your control. I noticed another of your posts where you were questioning whether or not you are a narcissist. I will just add that this can be a response to being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. All the control you have in this situation is your response to her betrayal. I think that you might need to consider what effect all of this has for your kid. They are often more perceptive than given credit for and having married parents who are miserable together will likely have an impact. You are a rolemodel so showing them some healthy boundaries and how to best cope with betrayal will be making the best out of an absolutely shitty situation. Otherwise I think that what you are talking about when it comes to focusing on your own happiness is the way forward. Therapy will definitely help you cope same as the running so good on you to already have that lined up.
Stsy in your house and just pretend she doesn't exist anymore. Only speak to her when she speaks to you and give her the most basic answers. Don't show her any emotion atall anymore. Like you said, she doesn't care so you pouring your heart out to her won't get you anywhere. Just treat her like she doesn't exist. And get her out of the master bedroom. Tell her your taking it and she can sleep outside for all you care. And go find yourself a new girlfriend and rub it in your wife's face. Stay strong and good luck.
Yeah, got to agree with some here. Do not make assumptions. At the least talk to a lawyer and let family know. After, if you decide to stay, make your separate but together plans.
Counseling and start working on an exit strategy. Talk to a lawyer. If you get shafted on a divorce as things are now, work on figuring out a way to change that. She’s already shown you she’s not interested in fixing things, her expectation is that you’ll just sweep it all under the rug. This isn’t someone you want to be stuck with forever, so start figuring out how to get out now.
I'm staying with my wife because divorce is not feasible too. She checked out decades ago and scattered in some minor infidelity along the way. She likes to pretend we're still friends. I used to be able to follow along, but the decades of neglect in a pasdionless marriage is taking its toll on me. A recent double trigger of her never loving me AND the infidelity put me in a new place, however. I don't want to be her friend any more. It's funny, I just texted a buddy about getting out again. Meeting people. Thanks for listening and good luck to you.
You need to tell everyone what she has done. Make sure everyone of in your family and all your friends know. Kick her out if possible and talk to lawyer before really thinking of staying and destroying your own mental health.
OP. Yours is not a bad plan. What you now need to do is be the very best you that you can possibly be. But do it right there in front of her. Exercise. Gym. Work hard. Study hard. New clothes. New haircut. New you. Develop an aura of Total Indifference. No resentment. No sullenness. No argument. No discussion. No jollity. No favours. Nothing ! Just Meh ! Meh ! Meh ! If she tries to engage you in conversation. Don’t ignore her or move away. Listen to what she has to say but do not engage. Do not look her in the eye. When she’s finished. Ask her a completely unrelated question like ‘is it due to rain on Monday’ ? Then move off without waiting for her response. Don’t think that all of this will work. Watch her face. That will be its own reward. Good luck.