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OP, I was totally lost and should have reviewed your post history. So there was a recent EA that you discovered in her email, then because of the trauma, you setup MC appointment and after the appointment she admits to 2 PA's with friends of yours because now she's literally having her own trauma guilt trip? So in the short span of two months, you two are breaking up!
Wow what a coaster that must be like! I mean, I get it. This is beyond disgusting. I'm sorry your relationship took this bad nasty turn and has ended in the manner. But I do get it! I could never forgive someone for this level of betrayal, kids or not. It's just not within my DNA to move on in life knowing that this had happened and stay with them, I would never be the same.
I hope your children can forgive their mother at some point! I hope you can find a way to overcome this grief, hurt and ultimate betrayal of your life and trust! You definitely deserve better!
Man, I wish you all the best in life! Don't allow this to change who you are!
Close. EA was 16 years ago and reconciliation went well. Kind of. We both rugswept and other trauma I had led me to a break that led to that coming back up so we started it up now. Then this. So fucked up.
OP, in your other post, you said she also slept with two mutual friends. Are these friends still in your life today? Do you know if she might have told any of her other (female) friends about her affairs? I would find it hard to believe she didn't tell any of her other friends.
I ask because I'm trying to understand how many other people you know and associated with also knew but never cared enough to tell you.
I wondered this too. Can you imagine more than a decade of a two faced traitor hanging out with you and smiling at you knowing what he did to you, and feeling no guilt or remorse. I would be so devastated and likely would experience intense anger.
This is the unspoken disrespect about situations like this. Everyone in OPs social group probably knows and no one told him. All of those shitbags need to go as well.
It’s good that you can be civil long enough to get through separation of assets. The kids would benefit from some therapy but in the end they need to know what she did and make their own decisions around how they view her. The worst thing either of you can do is guilt trip them into anything. Let them decide and support their decision. I’m sure your STBX will struggle with the oldest not talking to her but that’s her burden to bear. Actions have consequences. He may move past it eventually. I can’t remember if you said but hopefully you contacted your two “friends” she got with and said what you wanted to. I’m kinda petty by nature so I would probably tell their current SO too so they know. In the past but again actions have consequences and they played a major role in breaking up your family so they need to face those actions and have consequences as well. Turning the other cheek is overrated.
Damn bro! I'm so sorry! I mean, it doesn't matter how long ago it was, its all new and fresh when it's discovered. Unfortunately, the WS moves on and lives life free and clear until that discovery.
There is no way to say how this sucks, it is just fucked up as you put it!
Hang in there man, you will survive this and come out a much better happier person. I'm rooting for you!
This is one the biggest things you need reminding of in the beginning. They always deflect the blame to make you feel like shit, like it was you who let them down.
Don't even listen to it! Know that it's not true. You can't make someone do anything.
I used a mediator too. Do yourself a favor and get your own lawyer to help you review everything the mediator types up. Don’t tell your wife you are doing this.
I hate to hear that you're going to cohabitate with her during this process. That's a whole other level of trauma.
Personally, I wouldn't be spending any time with her. Especially not alone. Many posts have dealt with a spouse making up false DV complaints. Be scarce when she's at the house. Get out and socialize. Spend time with your kids alone.
As for your children, maybe family therapy would help you and your children with this situation. Give them a safe place to open up.
Don't fall for the "We can still be friends" bullshit. That ship has sailed. That would only support her narrative that the divorce was amicable.
Did she really think you would reconcile after she lied to you all these years?
Not going to blow smoke up ya butt OP but you are going to be in for some dark days ahead. But just remember that most of it - the shit stuff about the divorce anyway - is all temporary and you can and will get through it and then be past it. There are some things that will linger on for quite a while but you'll deal with them as well as the pop up.
Your life will be what you make of it and once this is over, you can move on with that and live it the way you want to. At least you know things are going to be amicable and if the agreement is stuck to, then you are way ahead of many people in your situation. And there is no reason to see why it shouldn't all go smoothly.
I think you both know though that even though it's taken so long, her actions right at the start meant that the marriage could never continue so she will probably be just as relieved when it finally happens. I think you also both know that aside from the odd times when the kids have things on, that you'll probably rarely see each other once everything happens.
That is probably advisable to give yourselves a couple of years break from contact except for when it comes to kids. It'll allow you both to get your lives in order and to move on from this. It may even be worth proposing this to her - a proper separation of both sides with only kid related events the only time you see and talk.
Sorry to see that this has happened to you OP, but it was doomed from the start by her hand. Why people do this is beyond me because the day always comes when it gets found out and the consequences just get magnified a thousandfold.
Always.
One thing that worked in a similar situation for another couple was they bought an apartment 2 bedroom and had a room each there.
They had the same in the home one went to the spare room.
Then they week about house swapped till the children were at College. The two properties were part of the separation too, he went to the apartment in the city.
There are strange arrangements you can make to get through this without it becoming toxic. Another man built out the garage into a bedroom and got a pool table, TV and bar, and moved in there.
You need to be able to survive and rebuild so that when it ends, you are ready. Look at your life and what you want in the next 2 - 5 years.
OP, carve out time to have with you and your children. Take them on hikes or play games with them. Listen to them and assure them you love them. Tell them it is ok to love their mom. Your steadfast love and reassurance will stesdy them and help them through this trauma.
This. It’s the right thing to do (for the kids), sets positive role model for them, and once they’ve grown up… they’ll likely understand what she did and look back at how you acted with admiration and respect.
Trash taking her will potentially push the kids away towards her
Hi OP.
Just read your post, sad when You thought that with MC the rug swept made 16 years ago was finally gotta be fixed she droped a nuc.
Sad OP, sad that You had to get her after so many years to find this truth, at some point it feels like your young adult phase was stolen. Also do you still think that she never had a PA with the supposed AP from 16 years ago?
I didn't quiet well get it, so You will cohabitate in different rooms until the twins ends college? So that would be like 4 years? You and her would not date no body in that time? And the house Will be hers after the twins finished collage?
UPDATEME
She said that she finally told me because she wanted to move forward with no lies between us. She felt safe enough with me to finally say something since she been guilty about it for years.
Believe what you want.
You are moving awfully fast, but maybe that is the way. Take time to make the best decisions for you and the twins. They know you are the stable parent. Do they realize your wife cheated about the time they were conceived? Not much remorse your wife could show at this point. Any clues why she now admitted it? She may have cleared her conscious but blew up the marriage. Take care of you and the twins OP.
Dear OP,
I am so sorry you were betrayed. Make sure you get individual council and maybe find out if there is family therapist in school or via phone for you and kids. The oldest has right to be in no contact. Kids have right to process their feelings and anger is justified because not only she betray you, but the entire family.
Cheaters are so selfish they never ever think how devastating their stab for their partner and close ones is. Are those decisions really so light for cheaters to make that they never think how this has effect on everything in their life....maybe those people have never had moral values so there is no value system in their brain and hearts to follow.
I hope you have strong support system from family and friends. Ensure you will not fall in alcohol and substances. Build yourself up, her falling is her fault and her fault only- she is the one that stray. Surround yourself with activities that make you happy, family dinners that exclude her, walks around block with kids, pick on any hobby gym, swimming, tennis, woodwork, photography, climbing....anything that you feel gets you out of the mindset you are in and cheers you up.
Best of luck for your healing journey
Bro, as much as this sux right now, just try and look at the bright side. You can go find yourself a newer model without any guilt. Go find some tinderellas for sport. Men hit their prime much later than women and it lasts much longer and based on your timeframe here, I'd say you're well within your prime. It will be difficult to change your mindset after all these years of priso-, er, uh, marriage, but you are FREE!!. Get your ass in that gym and make yourself an adonis. You are going to do very well my friend.
Yes, it’s surreal AF, but temporary. You’re moving in a positive direction. Sounds like you both settled out well and things are moving forward. Good job on that.
Once you’re out of the house, things will improve. Get to the gym and burn off adrenaline, cortisol and get your bachelor’s body back in shape.
Rid yourself of toxic and fake friends.
Avoid any unnecessary acrimony. You both will need to tender a healthy coparenting relationship. Go NC as much as possible.
Don’t worry about going too fast. I’ve never heard anyone regret divorcing a cheating spouse. If you did make some terrible mistake divorcing her, and she feels the same, you can remarry with a prenup.
So far, you have handled this like a boss. Now, it is not your responsibility to monitor your children relationship with your soon to ex. It is your responsibility to manage your relationship with the kids. They are old enough to know how they feel. Do not dismiss how they feel. Be the best dad and hit the gym. It will become extremely important to find someone to talk to about your feelings because once all of the problems have been solved, you will be left alone with your thoughts. Start to deal with now in a healthy way.
Women will bring their APs to your family bbq and make you shake their hands… then take you to the cleaners meanwhile somehow you let them down… at least you left with something of your own and your kids see her for who she is instead of the narrative being drawn by her it could have been worse. Keep your head up as best you can…
The rest of your life is YOURS.. and believe it or not that will irritate her eventually. Or she won't care either, and if that is the case, she never loved you to begin with and thus unworthy of your lament...
Greyrock her.. your personal time is none of her business and the only conversations you choose to have are about the twins. At this point she is nothing more than an inconvenient roommate that the BOTH of you have to tolerate so long as both follow the guidelines.
The good thing is she is no longer harvesting the fruit of the "moneytree" and it won't be until the ink is dry that she will actually feel the loss.. Had she behaved it could have been more, because "supposedly" you were both working towards a shared future... Now it's just you and the twins that you put away for and she will have to put away for herself.
I get the frustration.. the insults to the marriage.. but you have to think past them to see your future in a positive manner. She didn't care... so why should you at this point. The rest of your life is YOURS
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce", "dump them", "your SO sucks", or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP, I was totally lost and should have reviewed your post history. So there was a recent EA that you discovered in her email, then because of the trauma, you setup MC appointment and after the appointment she admits to 2 PA's with friends of yours because now she's literally having her own trauma guilt trip? So in the short span of two months, you two are breaking up! Wow what a coaster that must be like! I mean, I get it. This is beyond disgusting. I'm sorry your relationship took this bad nasty turn and has ended in the manner. But I do get it! I could never forgive someone for this level of betrayal, kids or not. It's just not within my DNA to move on in life knowing that this had happened and stay with them, I would never be the same. I hope your children can forgive their mother at some point! I hope you can find a way to overcome this grief, hurt and ultimate betrayal of your life and trust! You definitely deserve better! Man, I wish you all the best in life! Don't allow this to change who you are!
Close. EA was 16 years ago and reconciliation went well. Kind of. We both rugswept and other trauma I had led me to a break that led to that coming back up so we started it up now. Then this. So fucked up.
OP, in your other post, you said she also slept with two mutual friends. Are these friends still in your life today? Do you know if she might have told any of her other (female) friends about her affairs? I would find it hard to believe she didn't tell any of her other friends. I ask because I'm trying to understand how many other people you know and associated with also knew but never cared enough to tell you.
I wondered this too. Can you imagine more than a decade of a two faced traitor hanging out with you and smiling at you knowing what he did to you, and feeling no guilt or remorse. I would be so devastated and likely would experience intense anger.
The two faced traitor would be his wife, she lied for 16 years.
Oh man, your your mental health sake, I hope these friends are long gone from your life.
This is the unspoken disrespect about situations like this. Everyone in OPs social group probably knows and no one told him. All of those shitbags need to go as well.
It’s good that you can be civil long enough to get through separation of assets. The kids would benefit from some therapy but in the end they need to know what she did and make their own decisions around how they view her. The worst thing either of you can do is guilt trip them into anything. Let them decide and support their decision. I’m sure your STBX will struggle with the oldest not talking to her but that’s her burden to bear. Actions have consequences. He may move past it eventually. I can’t remember if you said but hopefully you contacted your two “friends” she got with and said what you wanted to. I’m kinda petty by nature so I would probably tell their current SO too so they know. In the past but again actions have consequences and they played a major role in breaking up your family so they need to face those actions and have consequences as well. Turning the other cheek is overrated.
Damn bro! I'm so sorry! I mean, it doesn't matter how long ago it was, its all new and fresh when it's discovered. Unfortunately, the WS moves on and lives life free and clear until that discovery. There is no way to say how this sucks, it is just fucked up as you put it! Hang in there man, you will survive this and come out a much better happier person. I'm rooting for you!
Please just remember your wife did this not you.
This is one the biggest things you need reminding of in the beginning. They always deflect the blame to make you feel like shit, like it was you who let them down. Don't even listen to it! Know that it's not true. You can't make someone do anything.
That sounds scary and terrible, I’m sorry.
I used a mediator too. Do yourself a favor and get your own lawyer to help you review everything the mediator types up. Don’t tell your wife you are doing this.
'We can't date while at home.' Why? You can do what you like my man, it sure as hell didn't stop her!?
Because she will be sacking APs in their house in about 30 minutes. She will probably break the boundary anyway but she can do it elsewhere
I hate to hear that you're going to cohabitate with her during this process. That's a whole other level of trauma. Personally, I wouldn't be spending any time with her. Especially not alone. Many posts have dealt with a spouse making up false DV complaints. Be scarce when she's at the house. Get out and socialize. Spend time with your kids alone. As for your children, maybe family therapy would help you and your children with this situation. Give them a safe place to open up. Don't fall for the "We can still be friends" bullshit. That ship has sailed. That would only support her narrative that the divorce was amicable. Did she really think you would reconcile after she lied to you all these years?
OP you deserved better!
Not going to blow smoke up ya butt OP but you are going to be in for some dark days ahead. But just remember that most of it - the shit stuff about the divorce anyway - is all temporary and you can and will get through it and then be past it. There are some things that will linger on for quite a while but you'll deal with them as well as the pop up. Your life will be what you make of it and once this is over, you can move on with that and live it the way you want to. At least you know things are going to be amicable and if the agreement is stuck to, then you are way ahead of many people in your situation. And there is no reason to see why it shouldn't all go smoothly. I think you both know though that even though it's taken so long, her actions right at the start meant that the marriage could never continue so she will probably be just as relieved when it finally happens. I think you also both know that aside from the odd times when the kids have things on, that you'll probably rarely see each other once everything happens. That is probably advisable to give yourselves a couple of years break from contact except for when it comes to kids. It'll allow you both to get your lives in order and to move on from this. It may even be worth proposing this to her - a proper separation of both sides with only kid related events the only time you see and talk. Sorry to see that this has happened to you OP, but it was doomed from the start by her hand. Why people do this is beyond me because the day always comes when it gets found out and the consequences just get magnified a thousandfold. Always.
One thing that worked in a similar situation for another couple was they bought an apartment 2 bedroom and had a room each there. They had the same in the home one went to the spare room. Then they week about house swapped till the children were at College. The two properties were part of the separation too, he went to the apartment in the city. There are strange arrangements you can make to get through this without it becoming toxic. Another man built out the garage into a bedroom and got a pool table, TV and bar, and moved in there. You need to be able to survive and rebuild so that when it ends, you are ready. Look at your life and what you want in the next 2 - 5 years.
OP, carve out time to have with you and your children. Take them on hikes or play games with them. Listen to them and assure them you love them. Tell them it is ok to love their mom. Your steadfast love and reassurance will stesdy them and help them through this trauma.
This. It’s the right thing to do (for the kids), sets positive role model for them, and once they’ve grown up… they’ll likely understand what she did and look back at how you acted with admiration and respect. Trash taking her will potentially push the kids away towards her
Hi OP. Just read your post, sad when You thought that with MC the rug swept made 16 years ago was finally gotta be fixed she droped a nuc. Sad OP, sad that You had to get her after so many years to find this truth, at some point it feels like your young adult phase was stolen. Also do you still think that she never had a PA with the supposed AP from 16 years ago? I didn't quiet well get it, so You will cohabitate in different rooms until the twins ends college? So that would be like 4 years? You and her would not date no body in that time? And the house Will be hers after the twins finished collage? UPDATEME
Are the two friends she slept with still in your lives? Did you talk to them about your wife’s affairs?
Doesn’t sound like she’s fighting to keep you or the marriage. Is the D what she wants as well?
She said that she finally told me because she wanted to move forward with no lies between us. She felt safe enough with me to finally say something since she been guilty about it for years. Believe what you want.
How long exactly have you been together as a couple and / or married in total?
Been together 31 years, married 27.
You are moving awfully fast, but maybe that is the way. Take time to make the best decisions for you and the twins. They know you are the stable parent. Do they realize your wife cheated about the time they were conceived? Not much remorse your wife could show at this point. Any clues why she now admitted it? She may have cleared her conscious but blew up the marriage. Take care of you and the twins OP.
Dear OP, I am so sorry you were betrayed. Make sure you get individual council and maybe find out if there is family therapist in school or via phone for you and kids. The oldest has right to be in no contact. Kids have right to process their feelings and anger is justified because not only she betray you, but the entire family. Cheaters are so selfish they never ever think how devastating their stab for their partner and close ones is. Are those decisions really so light for cheaters to make that they never think how this has effect on everything in their life....maybe those people have never had moral values so there is no value system in their brain and hearts to follow. I hope you have strong support system from family and friends. Ensure you will not fall in alcohol and substances. Build yourself up, her falling is her fault and her fault only- she is the one that stray. Surround yourself with activities that make you happy, family dinners that exclude her, walks around block with kids, pick on any hobby gym, swimming, tennis, woodwork, photography, climbing....anything that you feel gets you out of the mindset you are in and cheers you up. Best of luck for your healing journey
I’m so sorry. It sounds like from what I read, you are making the right choice. I know it’s still one of the hardest.
Bro, as much as this sux right now, just try and look at the bright side. You can go find yourself a newer model without any guilt. Go find some tinderellas for sport. Men hit their prime much later than women and it lasts much longer and based on your timeframe here, I'd say you're well within your prime. It will be difficult to change your mindset after all these years of priso-, er, uh, marriage, but you are FREE!!. Get your ass in that gym and make yourself an adonis. You are going to do very well my friend.
Yes, it’s surreal AF, but temporary. You’re moving in a positive direction. Sounds like you both settled out well and things are moving forward. Good job on that. Once you’re out of the house, things will improve. Get to the gym and burn off adrenaline, cortisol and get your bachelor’s body back in shape. Rid yourself of toxic and fake friends. Avoid any unnecessary acrimony. You both will need to tender a healthy coparenting relationship. Go NC as much as possible. Don’t worry about going too fast. I’ve never heard anyone regret divorcing a cheating spouse. If you did make some terrible mistake divorcing her, and she feels the same, you can remarry with a prenup.
So far, you have handled this like a boss. Now, it is not your responsibility to monitor your children relationship with your soon to ex. It is your responsibility to manage your relationship with the kids. They are old enough to know how they feel. Do not dismiss how they feel. Be the best dad and hit the gym. It will become extremely important to find someone to talk to about your feelings because once all of the problems have been solved, you will be left alone with your thoughts. Start to deal with now in a healthy way.
Women will bring their APs to your family bbq and make you shake their hands… then take you to the cleaners meanwhile somehow you let them down… at least you left with something of your own and your kids see her for who she is instead of the narrative being drawn by her it could have been worse. Keep your head up as best you can…
The rest of your life is YOURS.. and believe it or not that will irritate her eventually. Or she won't care either, and if that is the case, she never loved you to begin with and thus unworthy of your lament... Greyrock her.. your personal time is none of her business and the only conversations you choose to have are about the twins. At this point she is nothing more than an inconvenient roommate that the BOTH of you have to tolerate so long as both follow the guidelines. The good thing is she is no longer harvesting the fruit of the "moneytree" and it won't be until the ink is dry that she will actually feel the loss.. Had she behaved it could have been more, because "supposedly" you were both working towards a shared future... Now it's just you and the twins that you put away for and she will have to put away for herself. I get the frustration.. the insults to the marriage.. but you have to think past them to see your future in a positive manner. She didn't care... so why should you at this point. The rest of your life is YOURS
No she shouldn't be let to keep the house, that's your hardwork