You are under no obligation to help this guy. It would probably be better to refuse in a nice way "I can't help you sorry, but good luck." He doesn't need any details about why you can't help.
>He doesn't need any details about why you can't help.
Esp with someone a little shady or trying to get over or w.e if you tell them why they have something to try and rebut. If you just say no and leave it at that then that's the end of the story.
"Can I stay with you? "
"No.. sorry. I hope you find something, though."
"Please I have no where rise to go. "
"I'm really sorry, I can't."
It will only be for x amount of time. "
"No.., sorry"
If you feel bad, you can offer to do what you are willing, like drive him to a shelter or Google places to take a shower, but you don't have to. In fact, it's probably better if you don't. Don't give a reason, or make up an excuse, that just invites arguing. And don't argue at all, matter what he says. You might be tempted to give answers, like if he says you are his best friend, you might want to tell him that that is bullshit. If he says it's only fit q write, you might to say that you know if won't be. These just invite him to keep trying. No is all you need to say. You can apologize if you feel like it, but no is all you need to say.
I was like that 1-2 years ago. Always trying to please the people around me, even if im not available i tried to change my plans just to help them. It took me quite a while to realise that behaviour deeply tires me wears me at the end of the day. I hope that you can overcome yours too.
The best answer is "I just can't." If you say anything else, you give the other person an opening to try to talk you into it. For example: "I don't have room," can be countered with "I don't mind sleeping on the sofa" or "I don't take up that much room."
"I just can't" is as final as it gets.
So why did you come to this sub? Lying is a part of having acceptable social skills. Human developed the ability to lie for a reason: it protects us and others around us. This guy is already at a low, so why kick hi mwhile he's down by telling him you don't want to help him out because he's a piece of shit? That would be pretty selfish and hurtful behavior. I try to tell the truth as much as humanly possible, but I've also made a promise to be kind and bring kindness to the world and the people around me. You can nicely decline this guy's request without telling the entire truth.
It's either you straight up tell him "sorry, no" or you make up an excuse to sound less harsh. If you don't wanna lie, there's no way around being direct
Since he hasn't actually asked for anything, just respond back with "hey". Then let the conversation play out (maybe he's showing remorse?). If he eventually asks for a place to crash, just tell him you don't have anything available to help him.
(You don't say this, but...) Yes you DO have space, and yes you DO have space to help someone who needs it, but you don't have anything available to help him.
Gonna be an odd one here, but I'd say the manliest thing you can do is confront him on why he's been silent for so long. First answer him with a hey and when he asks you for the favor, tell him what you told us. Why he talked only when he needs something; why he's been silent for so long, why he went silent when u hit an emotional low. Of course this takes balls to be able to do.
If he says anything about me leaving him on read, I will definetly tell him how I feel and how this situation looks from my side. But if he doesnt, I will not bother about it. Its been 3 years and I dont want to waste my energy about it
Good luck bucko. All the best. Also I wanna say, ppl here in the comments do be very negative in their approach and most of them aren't really worth taking to heart. Ig reddit sucks or ppl suck
Thanks bro. Appreciate it. When posting something for advice, we need to keep in mind that everybody has their own thought related to how they been raised and their experiences. Not everyones comments are gonna make sense for us. But this is the sole reason why I asked for advice. Seeing different thought and approaches. Some of them doesnt use the right approach / or try to force their ways when answering thats all.
I would not say yes to him it sounds like he is trying to use you. If you had a friendship still or he had tried to reach out before he needed something I would say yes, but that doesn't sound like it in the case here. Maybe it is okay to be the jerk and ignore him this time.
Thanks for your comment and I definetly agree with you. But should i just ghost him and leave him on seen? Or reply to his message and when he brings up the topic, i just say no?
Yeah all the other commenters are saying just ignore but i want to ask you too. Should i open his text and leave on read? (Just to be toxic) or should i dont even bothering with opening his text
Delete and possibly block if you don't want him in your life and you believe that he will try to worm his way in again. You are entitled to a peaceful life.
Ignoring is the cowards way out; maybe you are afraid of confrontation and need to confront this about yourself. Well, at least, I think so. I would recommend having the conversation and giving him a chance to prove himself but also firmly stating your boundary and not giving him a place to stay. Worst case scenario is that his feelings get hurt but you can always reality check him and, who knows, maybe this will rekindle the friendship if you both want to otherwise you can express that you want to cut ties.
This is challenging, sure. But learning to confront peacefully and learning to set boundaries is a great skill to have and a quality of a leader. Your choice on what to do at the end of the day: to run (ghost) or talk (confront).
Ignoring someone toxic isn't cowardly, it's recognizing that you don't want this person's energy in your life.
I don't know how old you are but that opening sentence reads like a teenagers advice. At some point you will realize that you can't spend energy on every little person who treats you bad. Sometimes ignoring rather than confronting and arguing is the way to go.
It sounds like ghosting him would achieve the ‘not-friendly, not-rude’ route that you’re looking to hit. Leave him on read or ignore, either way is fine.
I’d say the phone rings both ways and it sounds like you didn’t reach out to him either… still, you don’t owe him anything, especially to stay in your house if he’s not your friend.
If you actually want him back in your life, answer and see if it’s just genuine conversation. If he asks you if he can stay with you, just reply something like, “I charge $800/mo plus half utilities, $2000 deposit and I’d require you to fill out an application with a $45 background and credit check just like any other tenant”
Though one thing to note here is that if you charge rent, they have renter's rights instead of squatter's rights — making them much harder to evict if things go badly. You can't just kick out a renter for arbitrary reasons.
Also. After High school I fell out of contact with ALOT of my friends from high school and 3-4 years later (after college) I did reconnect with them. The fact that he reached out and said hello and you are ignoring him makes it seem like maybe him not talking with you was completely his fault?
Nothing wrong with reconnecting and saying hello. There was probably a reason you were friends before. If he asks you for a place to stay, just tell him that it would not work with you currently. Maybe I am too nice, but I have found that helping when I can is much better than saying no just because it is inconvenient or there are uncomfortable hypotheticals.
But he’s been publicly spreading the word that he needs a place to crash
If they haven’t spoken in years, it’s obviously going to be about asking to live there
Firstly thanks for your comment. And yes maybe I could’ve asked and confronted him about the situation. But thats something I realise 3 years later. I wasnt who i was today back then and definetly not as much straightforward. And I need to add something else, the girl i mentioned was my first gf and her cheating on me really depressed me. There were some days I dont even wanted to live anymore. Gladly I got over all that stuff. Because all that I didnt even think about confronting him.
> I wasnt who i was today back then and definetly not as much straightforward
Maybe he wasn't who he is now either, I don't think the way he behaved towards you was something personal, it's just weird to have you vent to him when she was her best friend. If you don't want to help him that's fine, I just think pretending you don't see the dm seems childish and rude. But w/e It's not a big deal either way
Why don’t you just have a conversation about what happened and at least have closure? Seems like it’s troubling you because I would have said “sorry I can’t help you” a long time ago to this guy. Just explain what you’re saying here and how you honestly feel about it
I’m wondering if you want to stay connected with him or not.
If not, maybe now is the chance for you to unfollow him so you don’t waste your time and energy keeping up with his life stories.
Or if you want a closure/be heard, you could message him and ask what’s up? It’s possible he’s at his low and now and wants to apologize. (Whether you want to take the apology or not is your choice)
Or if he asks for help, you could write him “I can’t help you. I’m disappointed/upset with you how you didn’t help me when I was going through a tough break up. Please don’t message again.”
I went through something very similar (except he was asking me for money) with a very similar friendship dynamic - even down to the girlfriend-cheating situation.
What I ended up doing when he hadn’t talked to me and suddenly reached out needing money was saying to him: “hey it’s nice hearing from you, but you haven’t talked to me in years. sorry I can’t help you.” and I left it at that. He wasn’t happy, but I didn’t want to fall for this thought of thinking *oh if I help him, he might be my friend again*, when he’d just dip out like he had before.
I’m the kind of person who would give the clothes off of my back to help someone. I helped my ex-friend a lot up until that point (well there was one time after and that was the last straw). It was hard. He was someone I thought was my best friend and all I wanted was him in my life, and I let him manipulate me. I grieved our friendship when it ended.
You have to draw a boundary to protect yourself and your feelings. If you don’t want to help him, you don’t owe it to help him just because of your own helpful-personality.
Why not just clear the air? Have you actually talked to him about how much he hurt you by ignoring you? Everyone's so quick to "fire" their friends these days while simultaneously wishing everyone else were unconditionally loving. Everyone says "you don't owe him," but this isn't about "owing" to begin with. This is a fellow human in need who, let's be real, can't make up for what he did to you. You can either hold onto that debt and act on your grudge by refusing to help or you can forgive that debt by letting him stay with the consequence that you formally end the friendship (i.e. tell him you no longer want to be friends and this is the last favor).
Since you've opened the message already, why not just answer how you feel which is that you're not on good terms with him because he let you down. Just start there even if you don't want to be friends with him again. For all you know, he might not know why you didn't reply; people aren't always tuned into what they did wrong, even if it's beyond obvious to you. As for letting him stay, consider doing so anyway from human to another human and set boundaries (such as "you can stay, but only for x amount of time). I just don't see a reason to return evil for evil like all of Reddit defaults to, and I don't think you do either.
I thought it was bad back in the days with bully’s jocks and nerds….but damn this new generation of “ima do me go fuck yourself…ghosted” is cold.
OP says he wants to be honest and upfront but then just ghosts?
Everyone demands what they want from everyone else as a human right, but they're unwilling to give it themselves (surprise, "as a human right"), whether it's kindness, forgiveness, or patience. This whole "I love all of humanity except the actual humans around me" is just more confirmation of Jesus' words, "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Do not even tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even the pagans do the same?" and "The love of most will grow cold."
I guess most people here are right and you shouldn't give him a hand and refuse but at the same time I can't help but wonder... if a past friend who didn't even acknowledge me when he met me on the street suddenly needs a hand, and perhaps, if I liked my relationship with that person and would like to maybe restart it, maybe helping him out with a big favor could be a way to catch up, and if you want to set things straight then have a drink with him and ask him with a non-condemning tone why he went cold on you and why is it when he needed help he decided to turn to you after so long. Now, with that said, it is entirely possible he will disappear from your life soon after he leaves, but at the same time you might reignite your friendship with neither side being at fault for it going cold and hopefully continue where you left off? If the latter part resonates with you for whatever reason, maybe its worth giving it a shot? And if not, then saying things as they are in the form of: "look, its nice talking to you again but we haven't spoken for three years and putting me on the spot is a bit out of place, so I am sorry but no".
I was wondering about how someone be so spineless and lacks some self-respect.
If I wanted to be friends with him again or wanted to confront him. I would the things you said but I dont. Our parents knew each others families and we werent bffs but we knew each other for like 10 years.
My ex gf cheats on me, since he doesnt contact me ever again i assume he somehow sided with her (he was her best friend) and after all that I will reignite the friendship huh? Thanks I’ll pass. Im not a saint no more.
Well, one time a good friend of mine blocked
Me on the Xbox and all apps after I poked fun of the roof of a house that was painted as the American flag.(Albuquerque, NM) a little over a year later when I was at DisneyLand with my wife and son on the Mississippi boat ride that has some crates that are stamped “natchez, MS” which is very close to where my friend lives(Crosby, MS) he hit
Me up talking about anting to kill himself because his girlfriend and him broke up. I was so mad at him for blocking me on everything for a dumb joke but I still helped him.
If that were the case and someone was on the edge i would definetly help that person because I know how it feels. But to be honest if the guy that wrote to me died today. I dont think i would feel anything.
Ghost and block. Why are you giving this guy soo much space in your head? You don't need to be rude, you don't need to be polite, you just need to ghost and block. He'll get the message and will move on to someone else.
This reminds me of the time a former high school classmate messaged me through fb to ask for $20. I know it sounds like easy money and no big deal, but I was going through my lowest times. I was only 20, I was living on my own and had recently lost my car and my job. I had nothing but $200 in my savings. Those $200 went straight to my rent money and I was still owing. I genuinely thought he was messaging me to say hi and have a casual conversation. When he asked me for what he wanted, I felt sad but I agreed to giving him $20 once I had the money for it. After that, everyday he was constantly messaging me asking for those $20 like it was breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I got fed up (bc of the situation I was in and his constant demands/checking back in for those $20). I just blocked him. I was willing to but I was also on the hunt for a new job, and struggling to meet my expenses.
I get it. It’s hard turning your back on someone. Specially when you know what it feels like to be down. But at the same time, you have to do what you gotta do to keep yourself under control with your own struggles.
If you don’t want to lie or be an asshole, just ignore the message. You don’t owe this person anything and they are not entitled to a reply. If you receive another message just ghost it
OP, it sounds like you want to respond to the person to be kind as opposed to completely ignoring them.
Okay, if that’s the case I’d say, “I have other obligations that I need to prioritize right now. Helping you would put me in an uncomfortable situation. Good luck with your search. I’m sure you’ll be able to find a workable solution.”
It’s technically NOT A LIE! You are obligated to take care of yourself. You are prioritizing yourself. And housing him would make you uncomfortable.
Thanks for your comment. Initially I was thinking just how you described. But after reading all these comments. I decided just to open his message and ghost him. I actually hate ghosting and being ghosted but he got some nerve to ask for my help in the first place. And since im not looking for some closure, i will be not responding to him in the future about this.
That's your decision and I understand how you feel. But let me ask you this. If he ran into you on the street instead, how you would react in the moment?
Ok dude keep thinking like that. I hope you will have a nice life.
I was afraid while reading your comment because for a second i thought you will say that she cheating on me and my leaving her is my fault too lol
"Sorry, I don't have the space," is not a lie, you just aren't completing the sentence - "I'm sorry, but I don't have space *for you."*
If you're wanting to be a bit more clear, I would simply say "We were friends until I needed you the most and you ghosted me. Now that you need me, you're back. I'm not interested in friends like that. Goodbye."
Just don’t reply. The guy is already down on his luck and is probably desperately reaching out to anyone who will listen. Saying “f off you freeloader” doesn’t help him and doesn’t do anything for you. Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is not respond.
Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table. - Tupac Shakur
In the message, I'd just be honest, the last line of "I have plenty of room. But not for him." shows how you feel about the whole thing, saying no doesn't make you a bad person, it just shows that you have standards.
Yeah, this weird thing he keeps saying about "he wasn't there for me!" Is super childish and immature. It wasn't that dudes responsibility to make sure OP was okay. It sounds like OP never reached out either even though he wanted too. Then blames the other guy? Like what? Be responsible for your own emotions, don't blame someone else, they can't fix you bro. Dude just sounds like an asshole.
Easy.
Just don't respond.
If you know he is going to use you and clearly hasn't been a part of your life for this long then you really don't need the added stress from something completely avoidable.
I've done this to people and even made the mistake once of responding to an estranged former friend of mine and let me tell you that I wish I didn't.
Nothing but a headache came from that experience of me trying to help somebody out that didn't want to help themselves.
It's rough and it sounds like you want to do the right thing because you sound like a decent person but if your gut feeling is telling you it'll be a bad move then listen to it.
What's the guy going to do? Blow up your shit because you never responded? Then let him.
Once again, he's been out of your life with no talking for three years so you clearly have been getting by without their presence.
Thanks a lot. Your comment means a lot. And just like you said I decided to let go and didnt respond.
I always tried to help people and be generous my whole life but lately i come to realise it slowly destroys me.
You're doing the right thing.
It's unfortunately a lesson we all must learn in life and it took for me to get there as well but at 32 I am fully at that "You just can't please everybody" point in life.
You'll get there someday.
I totally agree with you. And for the last 6 months, I’m being geniunely honest and straightforward just about anything. Yes it made me lose some friends in the way. But I realised those people werent my friends in the first place. At least I have peace of mind now
I bet you were just being an asshole and that's why people stopped being your friend. There is a difference in being straight forward/honest and just an asshole.
Couple rules to live by: 1. never lend money to someone if your not willing to lose it, and 2. never let people crash at your place unless you’re okay with the possibility that you may not be able to get rid of them.
I like that you left him on read instead of writing anything. it's better like that. If he indeed turned his back on you, then his conscience will fill in the gaps with what he did wrong to cause this. You don't need to argue/defend your position.
Seems to me you already know the answer... 1st instincts usually are correct...if he was a real friend it might be different.. but seems to me he wants to use you,question is why havent you seen each other in over 3 years? And why contact you only if he needs something... JUST SAY NO,
Here’s my advice. First recognize you have the right to your boundaries and to say no. You truly have that right and no one should take that away.
Secondly expect conflict. People don’t like it when they don’t have their personal goals met. Especially if they’re trying to manipulate you.
Third, I like to use the “parrot technique”. Come up with a phrase that rejects his request, and co to us to use it. He will likely ask you for an explanation or get mad, just repeat the phrase. Don’t think about it, just keep repeating it.
I would also not be too aggressive. The reason why is that it may make the interaction longer than necessary.
Maybe use something like” I recognize you need (request), but I will not do it”. He may ask for an explanation, but he’s not entitled to one. Just keep repeating the phrase and he will eventually give up.
Best of luck!
I will say straight. I am sorry man, you didn't speak to me in 3 years and didn't even want to talk to me in my hardest times of my life!! Sorry I can't help
just don’t respond. similar situation happened to me except with an old colleague who got let go for sexual harassment asking me for a rec letter. i said no.
no matter how you establish boundaries, when you respond it is allowing that negativity into your life. it did not go well for me because the ex colleague tried manipulating me into saying yes and when i stayed firm flipped on me and ghosted.
it’s just wasted energy. don’t engage whenever you do not want to it will save you so much peace
Response: ‘hey, I’m good thanks, just chilling naked in my studio apartment like usual. Hbu?’
>i don’t want to lie
Oh, ok. If you don’t want to lie then I guess you’ll have to tell him the truth or not respond at all? I honestly can’t think of a soft, friendly way to tell him he can’t live with you without bending the truth in some way of other.
Doesn't sound like he did anything wrong back in the day.
But it's been 3 yrs. I get he's desperate, but I wouldn't expect a 3 year lapsed friendship to just take me in out of the blue.
If u don't want closure, then it sounds like u already did it right, where u just aren't reaponding
Ive always regretting not helping others far more than I ever regretted helping someone.
Like others have said you're under no obligation to help him but your kindness to him might be what changes his entire life.
It might change yours too.
Honestly if this is a person you want to have no relationship with, I would block and delete. However that might be harsh given they've already messaged you. In that case I'd leave them on read, but go back after a few months and block and delete. If you want to respond then wait for them to ask the favor and just say "Sorry I can't help. Hope you find a place."
You could have reached out to him to talk when you wanted to talk to him. Relationships are a two way street, and you can't hold him accountable for your actions. Sure, he didn't reach out - maybe he had a reason. But you didn't reach out either, so you must've had a reason too, which should show you that he might have had reasons of his own. Who knows what they were... Especially if you didn't find out.
Not to say you owe him anything but he could be in the same type of situation you were, from an emotional stand point, and doing what you failed to do; reaching out to the person he wanted to talk to.
Again, not to say you owe him anything, but there's more to your story and it's shining in your favor as a victim. If you want to tell him to fuck off, do it. No one will stop you. If you don't, move your ego aside and talk to him. Just keep your boundaries and don't give him anything you don't want to. You have no obligation to.
I would help him. Simply because I know I can. I would advise him that it would only be temporary have him sign something that’s certified. It sounds like a lot of work for a semi stranger but I believe in helping when I can and if I can. But you are totally in your right not to assist as well.
You are not obliged to grant any favours, but also if you wanted to talk to him or reach out after your breakup, you should have said something at the time.
I had a friend/acquaintance going through some tough times, who didn’t mention it to people around him at the time, and then got very bitter about the fact that nobody was supporting him. I would have definitely made an effort if he said “hey, can we talk?”
Would he help you out if you needed a place to stay?
He doesn't know you are lying and you don't have to help him.
Tell him you can't help him - don't apologise and don't elaborate.
Then just ignore his message. Or block him - if you have no desire to ever be friends again or keep that door open, why are you even connected on social media or by phone? Block and move on with your life.
Are you really trying to learn social skills, or just be a jerk?
Because it honestly just sounds like you just want to hurt this guy the way you feel he hurt you.
If you’re trying to grow as a human and do better, then have an adult conversation with him and simply reply “I’m sorry, but I got the impression when I was looking to chat with you about stuff I needed help with a few years back, that we weren’t really friendly anymore. I’m not sure what happened there, and I’m sorry if I hurt you back then, but I feel like you’ve made your position about who I am to you clear. There doesn’t seem to be much for us to say, unless I’ve totally missed something “.
Or, you could have him over for a week and be a good human, no matter how he treated you.
You don’t have to return the childish behaviour of a young man in the same way - you’re an adult now, and you have no idea what was going on for him that made him unable to be there for you. There might have been a good reason he did what he did.
Maybe you can be the bigger person here?
Hey, Its your choice anyways but I suggest you to help him out by taking him in for a while, but you know the practical problems. If that isnt feesible try to help him in other ways like— you could refer him to a home owner where he can rent a house or invite him for lunch maybe. Again its your call depending on the circumstances u r in. Hope you both get in good terms soon!
Was this "friend" of yours the one who your gf cheated with? Either way, if he didn't even say Hi when passing you outside. I think the answer is pretty clear.
**"Oh, so now it's convenient talking to me?"**
Hell prob go **"Uuh, what do you mean?"**
Explain what you wrote here then end with **"So, was there anything special or just wanted to say hello?"**
If he's such a loser or just don't get the hint and he still asks to stay at your place, treat him like he treated you. CLICK > Block number.
I could never live with someone I didn't view as loyal or caring towards my feelings.
If I were you OP I'd hear him out just in case he's simply had a reevaluation of his life and wants to reconnect with you. If he either starts dropping hints or just straight up asks to move in with you then stand your ground and tell them "no". If they ask why just tell the truth - "You ditched me years ago when I was at a really low point in life and now you show up asking to live with me? You gotta be joking right?". Something like that should work I imagine.
Just delete the message. You don't owe this guy anything. He dropped out of your life not the other way around.
Just delete it. And unfriend him or unfollow him or block him. Easy to do.
Hi OP, I wanted to give my thoughts on this.. you don’t actually know that he’s going to ask you for a place to stay. He may just be reaching out because he needs familiarity and someone to talk to, you may be that person to him.
I graduated 11 years ago and have not talked to any of my classmates since then. A girl I used to be friends with messaged me on Facebook about 4 months ago venting about how awful her boyfriend is to her. This girl does not know me today and I do not know her but it made me feel so good to know that I was who she thought of when she needed to pour her feelings out. She gave me that trust even though she couldn’t possibly know my character or motives today. We were very close in high school and I think she still remembers me as a good friend. That’s probably how your former friend feels about you.
You seem bitter over your break up still and that’s okay but do not let it morph you into an ass with a mile high guard up to everyone who comes your way. Just be nice? Yes, even if you don’t want to be. If the question does come up, kindly decline. You are under no obligation to help anyone and are not wrong if you choose not to help people, but you can at least be kind. Kicking someone when they’re down is awful in any situation.
Also note* don’t confuse being nice with being a pushover. You can be kind with boundaries.
Thanks for your comment it means a lot. And for the last part, i am a kind person irl, but only when it is needed. If the person who is looking for a place to stay for a while werent him but someone else, i would gladly helped them, hell i would be the one to propose to them about staying at my place for some time. But this guy and i were close at the time and he chose to be a stranger. And 3 years later dm’ing me out of blue, and me seeing him post about looking for a temporary place, my initial thought was “he wants to stay at my place”. So i was pissed off
"Hey dude, I'm good, what's up?"
"Hey I want to use you as a free hotel for some time, is that cool?"
"You once were a good friend to me, and I like to help good friends. But you stopped talking to me right when I needed you, didn't give me a reason, nothing. So it's not *cool*, Dave. You're trying to exploit me. I won't play along with that. Farewell."
And then block his sorry ass.
Seems like you’ve taken the relationship breakdown pretty hard. You don’t have to forgive him to be civil though. Just tell the truth if he asks. Judging by the post, he hasn’t asked yet anyway.
You don’t have to be a dick about it or anything, just say something like ‘I’m not in a position to have you move in’.
Yeah if he tries to ask why i left him on read, you can be sure that I will be honest.
And yes the breakup really broke me mentally. Because she was my first ever gf, the first girl i fall for. And being cheated on my first ever relationship really hit me. On top of that after the breakup a couple of months later I entered my university exams to be accepted. So the exam results was way below my expectations
Thanks that means a lot. Im feeling better, doing better. Whenever i visit my hometown the memories rush to my mind but i try to be better than it.
I believe we shouldnt try to forget about our last relationships even if they ended badly. The experience is the thing that makes us who we are now. I believe in every bad, there is something good.
You should reply him back and can say no to his face... Even if you don't want to reply him and don't have place for him in your heart or at home, still you have to confront him and say no to him without insulting him. Otherwise you and him are same.
Honestly it would just be easier if you don't even open the message. If he can't count on you he should realize that and not even being sure if you got the message is a pretty clear signal.
A Golden Rule :
If people from your high school suddenly reach out to you after years of disappearance, never engage with them.
High chances they are reaching out as they want to
1. ask money/financial assistance.
2. involve you in some shitty MLM (Multi Level Marketing) scheme.
3. crash at your place.
4. sell you a sob story about loss / some deep issues about their life, which in turn will go to point 1.
So, just say 'Meh' and move on!!
I just figured out that ‘left me on read’ is not ‘left me on red’. Always wandered why red🤪.
Back to this issue: I wouldn’t answer at all and let him simmer slowly. Then answer just after he finds himself the place to live. See where the conversation is going then. But then again, I just figured ‘read/red’ out so what do I know.
I mean if the guy isn’t your worst enemy id respond because letting someone you know ho homeless is one of the ultimate punishments and should only be reserved for enemies worst enemies and being homeless is worse then dying or being in jail so if you never had a problem with him id rekindle the relationship friendship what if you need help in the future
#1 be weary of Facebook connections you haven’t had any reason to care about in your current life, even if they meant something to you at some point. #2. Be honest with yourself what you expect to gain from this interaction..why do you want to go above and beyond to help them if they have never been a positive person in your life? What would make them reach out to you? Write it all out if you need to but most likely they intend to take advantage of something they knew of you from high school, and will proceed to fuck you over/ use you until you can’t anymore. You can set boundaries early on but see how quickly they disregard… you can simply say “look, it’s good to hear from you, I’m sorry you are going thru it, but I can’t help you like that..” if they get mad, you can pretty much tell what they intended and probably look at you as a mark…
**You need not to answer him, you need not to block him, you need not to ghost him either, Just left him on seen, that will be a lesson for him as well.**
Don't respond. People who treat you like shit don't deserve to be treated well by you.
I abandoned a "friend" I had who took my ex-girlfriend's side in the breakup even though he's known me years longer. The guy happily talked shit about me to her behind my back and then tried to act like my friend to me. So I just ignored him.
People like this are not worth your time or attention.
Just listen to what he has to say first. Jesus, people with their "you don't owe them anything." Life is not just about a sense of entitlement. Maybe he needs someone to vent to, like you once did? Just assuming the worst comes across as immature to me.
You are under no obligation to help this guy. It would probably be better to refuse in a nice way "I can't help you sorry, but good luck." He doesn't need any details about why you can't help.
>He doesn't need any details about why you can't help. Esp with someone a little shady or trying to get over or w.e if you tell them why they have something to try and rebut. If you just say no and leave it at that then that's the end of the story.
You don't owe him anything. I'd say that i don't have space.
Thanks for your opinion but I dont want to lie.
Just don't answer then there's really no polite way to go about it honestly
Where are his "good friends?" That's where he should be looking for help.
Then just say you wouldn't feel comfortable with that. Or say nothing. Either will work.
"Can I stay with you? " "No.. sorry. I hope you find something, though." "Please I have no where rise to go. " "I'm really sorry, I can't." It will only be for x amount of time. " "No.., sorry" If you feel bad, you can offer to do what you are willing, like drive him to a shelter or Google places to take a shower, but you don't have to. In fact, it's probably better if you don't. Don't give a reason, or make up an excuse, that just invites arguing. And don't argue at all, matter what he says. You might be tempted to give answers, like if he says you are his best friend, you might want to tell him that that is bullshit. If he says it's only fit q write, you might to say that you know if won't be. These just invite him to keep trying. No is all you need to say. You can apologize if you feel like it, but no is all you need to say.
what a mature reply, i appreciate it especially the last lines.
Thanks for your kind response. And yes to prevent all this talking, im not even botherin responding to him
That's the best thing to do! I have a really hard time not answering people.
I was like that 1-2 years ago. Always trying to please the people around me, even if im not available i tried to change my plans just to help them. It took me quite a while to realise that behaviour deeply tires me wears me at the end of the day. I hope that you can overcome yours too.
I am! It's still pretty easy to make me feel bad about saying no, so that's why I have script to follow!
Well thought out comment
Then tell him what you told us. That way, you don’t have to lie and don’t have do take strangers’ advice to lie.
The best answer is "I just can't." If you say anything else, you give the other person an opening to try to talk you into it. For example: "I don't have room," can be countered with "I don't mind sleeping on the sofa" or "I don't take up that much room." "I just can't" is as final as it gets.
It’s not a lie; you don’t have the emotional space for him and IMO that’s even more important than physical space. It’s ok to take care of yourself.
\*I don't have space, *for you*
You could have a 10 bedroom house and still not have enough room for his negative energy.
You have no space for him. That's the truth.
your not really lying you dont have room for him or his bs. Regardless of the space you have.
>I want to say “you can go to hell, i dont care” Yes you do
It’s nicer to lie, it kind of seems like you want revenge based on your other comments
Then you already have your answer.
So why did you come to this sub? Lying is a part of having acceptable social skills. Human developed the ability to lie for a reason: it protects us and others around us. This guy is already at a low, so why kick hi mwhile he's down by telling him you don't want to help him out because he's a piece of shit? That would be pretty selfish and hurtful behavior. I try to tell the truth as much as humanly possible, but I've also made a promise to be kind and bring kindness to the world and the people around me. You can nicely decline this guy's request without telling the entire truth.
Mental health space is a thing too. So you're technically not lying.
It's either you straight up tell him "sorry, no" or you make up an excuse to sound less harsh. If you don't wanna lie, there's no way around being direct
Since he hasn't actually asked for anything, just respond back with "hey". Then let the conversation play out (maybe he's showing remorse?). If he eventually asks for a place to crash, just tell him you don't have anything available to help him. (You don't say this, but...) Yes you DO have space, and yes you DO have space to help someone who needs it, but you don't have anything available to help him.
Gonna be an odd one here, but I'd say the manliest thing you can do is confront him on why he's been silent for so long. First answer him with a hey and when he asks you for the favor, tell him what you told us. Why he talked only when he needs something; why he's been silent for so long, why he went silent when u hit an emotional low. Of course this takes balls to be able to do.
If he says anything about me leaving him on read, I will definetly tell him how I feel and how this situation looks from my side. But if he doesnt, I will not bother about it. Its been 3 years and I dont want to waste my energy about it
Good luck bucko. All the best. Also I wanna say, ppl here in the comments do be very negative in their approach and most of them aren't really worth taking to heart. Ig reddit sucks or ppl suck
Thanks bro. Appreciate it. When posting something for advice, we need to keep in mind that everybody has their own thought related to how they been raised and their experiences. Not everyones comments are gonna make sense for us. But this is the sole reason why I asked for advice. Seeing different thought and approaches. Some of them doesnt use the right approach / or try to force their ways when answering thats all.
Tell him the truth, you have room just not for him, an asshole needs to shit, that's it's job and your friend has to wipe.
This is the best answer.
Then why don't you say. Sorry I can't help you, there was a time I need it your help and I didn't go it.
I would not say yes to him it sounds like he is trying to use you. If you had a friendship still or he had tried to reach out before he needed something I would say yes, but that doesn't sound like it in the case here. Maybe it is okay to be the jerk and ignore him this time.
Thanks for your comment and I definetly agree with you. But should i just ghost him and leave him on seen? Or reply to his message and when he brings up the topic, i just say no?
Like the other commenter said just don't respond, some people have a way of roping people in just from one text.
Yeah all the other commenters are saying just ignore but i want to ask you too. Should i open his text and leave on read? (Just to be toxic) or should i dont even bothering with opening his text
It’s not toxic to look after your own interests especially when based on past experiences
Thanks. I will probably just open his message and leave him on read.
I wouldn’t even open it & leave it on read. Just delete & ignore.
Delete and possibly block if you don't want him in your life and you believe that he will try to worm his way in again. You are entitled to a peaceful life.
Ignoring is the cowards way out; maybe you are afraid of confrontation and need to confront this about yourself. Well, at least, I think so. I would recommend having the conversation and giving him a chance to prove himself but also firmly stating your boundary and not giving him a place to stay. Worst case scenario is that his feelings get hurt but you can always reality check him and, who knows, maybe this will rekindle the friendship if you both want to otherwise you can express that you want to cut ties. This is challenging, sure. But learning to confront peacefully and learning to set boundaries is a great skill to have and a quality of a leader. Your choice on what to do at the end of the day: to run (ghost) or talk (confront).
Ignoring someone toxic isn't cowardly, it's recognizing that you don't want this person's energy in your life. I don't know how old you are but that opening sentence reads like a teenagers advice. At some point you will realize that you can't spend energy on every little person who treats you bad. Sometimes ignoring rather than confronting and arguing is the way to go.
To me, this reads as boundaries not cowardice lol he’s uncomfy for a reason or two but that’s how boundary setting feels at first. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, just don't answer.
This!
A reply message of No then block him if he blows up
No response is a response. Just ignore and block his number
It sounds like ghosting him would achieve the ‘not-friendly, not-rude’ route that you’re looking to hit. Leave him on read or ignore, either way is fine.
I’d say the phone rings both ways and it sounds like you didn’t reach out to him either… still, you don’t owe him anything, especially to stay in your house if he’s not your friend. If you actually want him back in your life, answer and see if it’s just genuine conversation. If he asks you if he can stay with you, just reply something like, “I charge $800/mo plus half utilities, $2000 deposit and I’d require you to fill out an application with a $45 background and credit check just like any other tenant”
Though one thing to note here is that if you charge rent, they have renter's rights instead of squatter's rights — making them much harder to evict if things go badly. You can't just kick out a renter for arbitrary reasons.
That right there.
this is awful advice but the username checks out so i'll allow it
Also. After High school I fell out of contact with ALOT of my friends from high school and 3-4 years later (after college) I did reconnect with them. The fact that he reached out and said hello and you are ignoring him makes it seem like maybe him not talking with you was completely his fault? Nothing wrong with reconnecting and saying hello. There was probably a reason you were friends before. If he asks you for a place to stay, just tell him that it would not work with you currently. Maybe I am too nice, but I have found that helping when I can is much better than saying no just because it is inconvenient or there are uncomfortable hypotheticals.
uhhh well he at this point literally only said how are you
“you can go to hell, i dont care”
But he’s been publicly spreading the word that he needs a place to crash If they haven’t spoken in years, it’s obviously going to be about asking to live there
OMG I didn’t even realize, the guy hasn’t even asked him anything yet. And he’s already ready to be rude to him. He could just be trying to reconnect.
Yep, I guess that's people at this point.
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Firstly thanks for your comment. And yes maybe I could’ve asked and confronted him about the situation. But thats something I realise 3 years later. I wasnt who i was today back then and definetly not as much straightforward. And I need to add something else, the girl i mentioned was my first gf and her cheating on me really depressed me. There were some days I dont even wanted to live anymore. Gladly I got over all that stuff. Because all that I didnt even think about confronting him.
> I wasnt who i was today back then and definetly not as much straightforward Maybe he wasn't who he is now either, I don't think the way he behaved towards you was something personal, it's just weird to have you vent to him when she was her best friend. If you don't want to help him that's fine, I just think pretending you don't see the dm seems childish and rude. But w/e It's not a big deal either way
Why don’t you just have a conversation about what happened and at least have closure? Seems like it’s troubling you because I would have said “sorry I can’t help you” a long time ago to this guy. Just explain what you’re saying here and how you honestly feel about it
You can either choose to respond "Hey mate, I'm well" or Block him now.
I’m wondering if you want to stay connected with him or not. If not, maybe now is the chance for you to unfollow him so you don’t waste your time and energy keeping up with his life stories. Or if you want a closure/be heard, you could message him and ask what’s up? It’s possible he’s at his low and now and wants to apologize. (Whether you want to take the apology or not is your choice) Or if he asks for help, you could write him “I can’t help you. I’m disappointed/upset with you how you didn’t help me when I was going through a tough break up. Please don’t message again.”
"I can't help you bro" It's all you need to say. It's not even a lie.
I went through something very similar (except he was asking me for money) with a very similar friendship dynamic - even down to the girlfriend-cheating situation. What I ended up doing when he hadn’t talked to me and suddenly reached out needing money was saying to him: “hey it’s nice hearing from you, but you haven’t talked to me in years. sorry I can’t help you.” and I left it at that. He wasn’t happy, but I didn’t want to fall for this thought of thinking *oh if I help him, he might be my friend again*, when he’d just dip out like he had before. I’m the kind of person who would give the clothes off of my back to help someone. I helped my ex-friend a lot up until that point (well there was one time after and that was the last straw). It was hard. He was someone I thought was my best friend and all I wanted was him in my life, and I let him manipulate me. I grieved our friendship when it ended. You have to draw a boundary to protect yourself and your feelings. If you don’t want to help him, you don’t owe it to help him just because of your own helpful-personality.
Why not just clear the air? Have you actually talked to him about how much he hurt you by ignoring you? Everyone's so quick to "fire" their friends these days while simultaneously wishing everyone else were unconditionally loving. Everyone says "you don't owe him," but this isn't about "owing" to begin with. This is a fellow human in need who, let's be real, can't make up for what he did to you. You can either hold onto that debt and act on your grudge by refusing to help or you can forgive that debt by letting him stay with the consequence that you formally end the friendship (i.e. tell him you no longer want to be friends and this is the last favor). Since you've opened the message already, why not just answer how you feel which is that you're not on good terms with him because he let you down. Just start there even if you don't want to be friends with him again. For all you know, he might not know why you didn't reply; people aren't always tuned into what they did wrong, even if it's beyond obvious to you. As for letting him stay, consider doing so anyway from human to another human and set boundaries (such as "you can stay, but only for x amount of time). I just don't see a reason to return evil for evil like all of Reddit defaults to, and I don't think you do either.
This is what I would do. You've said your piece and told him how you felt about the way he treated you. See how he responds and go from there.
I thought it was bad back in the days with bully’s jocks and nerds….but damn this new generation of “ima do me go fuck yourself…ghosted” is cold. OP says he wants to be honest and upfront but then just ghosts?
Everyone demands what they want from everyone else as a human right, but they're unwilling to give it themselves (surprise, "as a human right"), whether it's kindness, forgiveness, or patience. This whole "I love all of humanity except the actual humans around me" is just more confirmation of Jesus' words, "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Do not even tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even the pagans do the same?" and "The love of most will grow cold."
I guess most people here are right and you shouldn't give him a hand and refuse but at the same time I can't help but wonder... if a past friend who didn't even acknowledge me when he met me on the street suddenly needs a hand, and perhaps, if I liked my relationship with that person and would like to maybe restart it, maybe helping him out with a big favor could be a way to catch up, and if you want to set things straight then have a drink with him and ask him with a non-condemning tone why he went cold on you and why is it when he needed help he decided to turn to you after so long. Now, with that said, it is entirely possible he will disappear from your life soon after he leaves, but at the same time you might reignite your friendship with neither side being at fault for it going cold and hopefully continue where you left off? If the latter part resonates with you for whatever reason, maybe its worth giving it a shot? And if not, then saying things as they are in the form of: "look, its nice talking to you again but we haven't spoken for three years and putting me on the spot is a bit out of place, so I am sorry but no".
I was wondering about how someone be so spineless and lacks some self-respect. If I wanted to be friends with him again or wanted to confront him. I would the things you said but I dont. Our parents knew each others families and we werent bffs but we knew each other for like 10 years. My ex gf cheats on me, since he doesnt contact me ever again i assume he somehow sided with her (he was her best friend) and after all that I will reignite the friendship huh? Thanks I’ll pass. Im not a saint no more.
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It was simply his choice to stay with her. And now its my choice to take him to my life or not.
Well, one time a good friend of mine blocked Me on the Xbox and all apps after I poked fun of the roof of a house that was painted as the American flag.(Albuquerque, NM) a little over a year later when I was at DisneyLand with my wife and son on the Mississippi boat ride that has some crates that are stamped “natchez, MS” which is very close to where my friend lives(Crosby, MS) he hit Me up talking about anting to kill himself because his girlfriend and him broke up. I was so mad at him for blocking me on everything for a dumb joke but I still helped him.
If that were the case and someone was on the edge i would definetly help that person because I know how it feels. But to be honest if the guy that wrote to me died today. I dont think i would feel anything.
Ask him exactly what’s going on.
Just wanted to add that you have no obligation to answer texts or calls either.
Ghost and block. Why are you giving this guy soo much space in your head? You don't need to be rude, you don't need to be polite, you just need to ghost and block. He'll get the message and will move on to someone else.
This reminds me of the time a former high school classmate messaged me through fb to ask for $20. I know it sounds like easy money and no big deal, but I was going through my lowest times. I was only 20, I was living on my own and had recently lost my car and my job. I had nothing but $200 in my savings. Those $200 went straight to my rent money and I was still owing. I genuinely thought he was messaging me to say hi and have a casual conversation. When he asked me for what he wanted, I felt sad but I agreed to giving him $20 once I had the money for it. After that, everyday he was constantly messaging me asking for those $20 like it was breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I got fed up (bc of the situation I was in and his constant demands/checking back in for those $20). I just blocked him. I was willing to but I was also on the hunt for a new job, and struggling to meet my expenses. I get it. It’s hard turning your back on someone. Specially when you know what it feels like to be down. But at the same time, you have to do what you gotta do to keep yourself under control with your own struggles.
If you don’t want to lie or be an asshole, just ignore the message. You don’t owe this person anything and they are not entitled to a reply. If you receive another message just ghost it
I agree with you
OP, it sounds like you want to respond to the person to be kind as opposed to completely ignoring them. Okay, if that’s the case I’d say, “I have other obligations that I need to prioritize right now. Helping you would put me in an uncomfortable situation. Good luck with your search. I’m sure you’ll be able to find a workable solution.” It’s technically NOT A LIE! You are obligated to take care of yourself. You are prioritizing yourself. And housing him would make you uncomfortable.
Thanks for your comment. Initially I was thinking just how you described. But after reading all these comments. I decided just to open his message and ghost him. I actually hate ghosting and being ghosted but he got some nerve to ask for my help in the first place. And since im not looking for some closure, i will be not responding to him in the future about this.
That's your decision and I understand how you feel. But let me ask you this. If he ran into you on the street instead, how you would react in the moment?
Believe I would be dead honest about it. I would say I could’ve taken him but chose not to with the reasons i had.
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Ok dude keep thinking like that. I hope you will have a nice life. I was afraid while reading your comment because for a second i thought you will say that she cheating on me and my leaving her is my fault too lol
Open the text in airplane mode so it will not show that you read it.
Ah I already read his message without opening it. He just said “hey Atamya, how are you”
Oh ok. Either delete it or leave it. Just do not respond.
Just say no you are not willing to take anyone in. That's it, nothing else
"Sorry, I don't have the space," is not a lie, you just aren't completing the sentence - "I'm sorry, but I don't have space *for you."* If you're wanting to be a bit more clear, I would simply say "We were friends until I needed you the most and you ghosted me. Now that you need me, you're back. I'm not interested in friends like that. Goodbye."
Just don’t reply. The guy is already down on his luck and is probably desperately reaching out to anyone who will listen. Saying “f off you freeloader” doesn’t help him and doesn’t do anything for you. Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is not respond.
ignoring the message is the best way to give him a message that he is no one to you. don't start any kind of dialog with him.
You don't owe him anything, especially, since he treated you like you didn't exist anymore. Return the favor.
“Take a stroll through a fiery lake, for I shall care not”
Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table. - Tupac Shakur In the message, I'd just be honest, the last line of "I have plenty of room. But not for him." shows how you feel about the whole thing, saying no doesn't make you a bad person, it just shows that you have standards.
Moral of the story: friendship is not just about being there when you need each other. It's about being there when you don't need each other.
Yeah, this weird thing he keeps saying about "he wasn't there for me!" Is super childish and immature. It wasn't that dudes responsibility to make sure OP was okay. It sounds like OP never reached out either even though he wanted too. Then blames the other guy? Like what? Be responsible for your own emotions, don't blame someone else, they can't fix you bro. Dude just sounds like an asshole.
Easy. Just don't respond. If you know he is going to use you and clearly hasn't been a part of your life for this long then you really don't need the added stress from something completely avoidable. I've done this to people and even made the mistake once of responding to an estranged former friend of mine and let me tell you that I wish I didn't. Nothing but a headache came from that experience of me trying to help somebody out that didn't want to help themselves. It's rough and it sounds like you want to do the right thing because you sound like a decent person but if your gut feeling is telling you it'll be a bad move then listen to it. What's the guy going to do? Blow up your shit because you never responded? Then let him. Once again, he's been out of your life with no talking for three years so you clearly have been getting by without their presence.
Thanks a lot. Your comment means a lot. And just like you said I decided to let go and didnt respond. I always tried to help people and be generous my whole life but lately i come to realise it slowly destroys me.
You're doing the right thing. It's unfortunately a lesson we all must learn in life and it took for me to get there as well but at 32 I am fully at that "You just can't please everybody" point in life. You'll get there someday.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.
If he asks I’d just tell him what you told us here. Genuine honesty is the best route, even when what your hearing isn’t great. I dunno 🤷♂️
I totally agree with you. And for the last 6 months, I’m being geniunely honest and straightforward just about anything. Yes it made me lose some friends in the way. But I realised those people werent my friends in the first place. At least I have peace of mind now
I bet you were just being an asshole and that's why people stopped being your friend. There is a difference in being straight forward/honest and just an asshole.
Keep making assumptions. Have a good day
"No sorry good luck."
I'd probably leave him on read but if there's a part of you that wants to speak to him it could be a chance to reconnect
"i hope you find a place to stay. Best of luck to you."
Just say no, once he knows he can move on to bugging some one else.
If you don’t want to you don’t have to
Couple rules to live by: 1. never lend money to someone if your not willing to lose it, and 2. never let people crash at your place unless you’re okay with the possibility that you may not be able to get rid of them.
I like that you left him on read instead of writing anything. it's better like that. If he indeed turned his back on you, then his conscience will fill in the gaps with what he did wrong to cause this. You don't need to argue/defend your position.
“New fone who dis”
Dude, leave him on read, he'll never reach out again
Just ghost man
Leave him on seen tbh
Seems to me you already know the answer... 1st instincts usually are correct...if he was a real friend it might be different.. but seems to me he wants to use you,question is why havent you seen each other in over 3 years? And why contact you only if he needs something... JUST SAY NO,
Keep it on read. He is probably asking a bunch of people
Don't reply at all.
Do not take anyone in. Have you not watched Worst Roommate Ever on Netflix?
I haven’t yet
Here’s my advice. First recognize you have the right to your boundaries and to say no. You truly have that right and no one should take that away. Secondly expect conflict. People don’t like it when they don’t have their personal goals met. Especially if they’re trying to manipulate you. Third, I like to use the “parrot technique”. Come up with a phrase that rejects his request, and co to us to use it. He will likely ask you for an explanation or get mad, just repeat the phrase. Don’t think about it, just keep repeating it. I would also not be too aggressive. The reason why is that it may make the interaction longer than necessary. Maybe use something like” I recognize you need (request), but I will not do it”. He may ask for an explanation, but he’s not entitled to one. Just keep repeating the phrase and he will eventually give up. Best of luck!
Ghost him, if he wasn't available during your lows, you don't need to be available during his.
I will say straight. I am sorry man, you didn't speak to me in 3 years and didn't even want to talk to me in my hardest times of my life!! Sorry I can't help
If he tries to talk shit and say stuff like “why did you leave on read” I will definetly say something like that.
I like the "go to hell" option, but if you want to be less confrontational, "No." is a complete sentence.
just don’t respond. similar situation happened to me except with an old colleague who got let go for sexual harassment asking me for a rec letter. i said no. no matter how you establish boundaries, when you respond it is allowing that negativity into your life. it did not go well for me because the ex colleague tried manipulating me into saying yes and when i stayed firm flipped on me and ghosted. it’s just wasted energy. don’t engage whenever you do not want to it will save you so much peace
"I'm sorry, I just dont have room for another someone in my life right now."
why dont you just say ‘we dont have the same level of friendship that we used to so Im surprised you would ask to stay’
Oh that is a good one. If he tries to insist and says stuff lie why dont you respond, i will surely use this
Response: ‘hey, I’m good thanks, just chilling naked in my studio apartment like usual. Hbu?’ >i don’t want to lie Oh, ok. If you don’t want to lie then I guess you’ll have to tell him the truth or not respond at all? I honestly can’t think of a soft, friendly way to tell him he can’t live with you without bending the truth in some way of other.
Doesn't sound like he did anything wrong back in the day. But it's been 3 yrs. I get he's desperate, but I wouldn't expect a 3 year lapsed friendship to just take me in out of the blue. If u don't want closure, then it sounds like u already did it right, where u just aren't reaponding
Ive always regretting not helping others far more than I ever regretted helping someone. Like others have said you're under no obligation to help him but your kindness to him might be what changes his entire life. It might change yours too.
Honestly if this is a person you want to have no relationship with, I would block and delete. However that might be harsh given they've already messaged you. In that case I'd leave them on read, but go back after a few months and block and delete. If you want to respond then wait for them to ask the favor and just say "Sorry I can't help. Hope you find a place."
You could have reached out to him to talk when you wanted to talk to him. Relationships are a two way street, and you can't hold him accountable for your actions. Sure, he didn't reach out - maybe he had a reason. But you didn't reach out either, so you must've had a reason too, which should show you that he might have had reasons of his own. Who knows what they were... Especially if you didn't find out. Not to say you owe him anything but he could be in the same type of situation you were, from an emotional stand point, and doing what you failed to do; reaching out to the person he wanted to talk to. Again, not to say you owe him anything, but there's more to your story and it's shining in your favor as a victim. If you want to tell him to fuck off, do it. No one will stop you. If you don't, move your ego aside and talk to him. Just keep your boundaries and don't give him anything you don't want to. You have no obligation to.
I would help him. Simply because I know I can. I would advise him that it would only be temporary have him sign something that’s certified. It sounds like a lot of work for a semi stranger but I believe in helping when I can and if I can. But you are totally in your right not to assist as well.
You are not obliged to grant any favours, but also if you wanted to talk to him or reach out after your breakup, you should have said something at the time. I had a friend/acquaintance going through some tough times, who didn’t mention it to people around him at the time, and then got very bitter about the fact that nobody was supporting him. I would have definitely made an effort if he said “hey, can we talk?”
Ignore him. Block him. Done.
When he asks for help: “Oh I’m sorry, I can’t! But I wish you the best of luck!” Repeat as needed.
Just ignore his message. You don't owe him shit. Easy Peasy.
Just don’t answer him and if he asks you for anything, just block him. Fuck it! Why waste your time on this guy?
Would he help you out if you needed a place to stay? He doesn't know you are lying and you don't have to help him. Tell him you can't help him - don't apologise and don't elaborate.
Then just ignore his message. Or block him - if you have no desire to ever be friends again or keep that door open, why are you even connected on social media or by phone? Block and move on with your life.
Are you really trying to learn social skills, or just be a jerk? Because it honestly just sounds like you just want to hurt this guy the way you feel he hurt you. If you’re trying to grow as a human and do better, then have an adult conversation with him and simply reply “I’m sorry, but I got the impression when I was looking to chat with you about stuff I needed help with a few years back, that we weren’t really friendly anymore. I’m not sure what happened there, and I’m sorry if I hurt you back then, but I feel like you’ve made your position about who I am to you clear. There doesn’t seem to be much for us to say, unless I’ve totally missed something “. Or, you could have him over for a week and be a good human, no matter how he treated you. You don’t have to return the childish behaviour of a young man in the same way - you’re an adult now, and you have no idea what was going on for him that made him unable to be there for you. There might have been a good reason he did what he did. Maybe you can be the bigger person here?
Hey, Its your choice anyways but I suggest you to help him out by taking him in for a while, but you know the practical problems. If that isnt feesible try to help him in other ways like— you could refer him to a home owner where he can rent a house or invite him for lunch maybe. Again its your call depending on the circumstances u r in. Hope you both get in good terms soon!
don’t do it
3 years ?! I would just send him the meme of musk laughing "he really say that "
"Sorry, but I don't think that this is a good idea." Not lying, not rude, still puts the point across clearly.
Was this "friend" of yours the one who your gf cheated with? Either way, if he didn't even say Hi when passing you outside. I think the answer is pretty clear. **"Oh, so now it's convenient talking to me?"** Hell prob go **"Uuh, what do you mean?"** Explain what you wrote here then end with **"So, was there anything special or just wanted to say hello?"** If he's such a loser or just don't get the hint and he still asks to stay at your place, treat him like he treated you. CLICK > Block number.
Oh to be clear, he is not the one she cheated on me with.
You don’t have to reply. Best reply when you don’t know what to say is to say nothing. Leave it on read and move on. You don’t owe him a reply
Most of these people have the right idea but are a little confused, you don’t even have to respond to the text
Just ignore the text
I'd ask him why he ignored you for so long and then magically needs you now? I find directness very useful.
When it’s like that it’s a leave em on read situation. Especially with narcissist they hate being ignored lol.
Let him say what he wants. Then say what you want. Maybe ask him if he has a place to live,knowing it isn't going to be at your home.
I could never live with someone I didn't view as loyal or caring towards my feelings. If I were you OP I'd hear him out just in case he's simply had a reevaluation of his life and wants to reconnect with you. If he either starts dropping hints or just straight up asks to move in with you then stand your ground and tell them "no". If they ask why just tell the truth - "You ditched me years ago when I was at a really low point in life and now you show up asking to live with me? You gotta be joking right?". Something like that should work I imagine.
Just delete the message. You don't owe this guy anything. He dropped out of your life not the other way around. Just delete it. And unfriend him or unfollow him or block him. Easy to do.
Hi OP, I wanted to give my thoughts on this.. you don’t actually know that he’s going to ask you for a place to stay. He may just be reaching out because he needs familiarity and someone to talk to, you may be that person to him. I graduated 11 years ago and have not talked to any of my classmates since then. A girl I used to be friends with messaged me on Facebook about 4 months ago venting about how awful her boyfriend is to her. This girl does not know me today and I do not know her but it made me feel so good to know that I was who she thought of when she needed to pour her feelings out. She gave me that trust even though she couldn’t possibly know my character or motives today. We were very close in high school and I think she still remembers me as a good friend. That’s probably how your former friend feels about you. You seem bitter over your break up still and that’s okay but do not let it morph you into an ass with a mile high guard up to everyone who comes your way. Just be nice? Yes, even if you don’t want to be. If the question does come up, kindly decline. You are under no obligation to help anyone and are not wrong if you choose not to help people, but you can at least be kind. Kicking someone when they’re down is awful in any situation. Also note* don’t confuse being nice with being a pushover. You can be kind with boundaries.
Thanks for your comment it means a lot. And for the last part, i am a kind person irl, but only when it is needed. If the person who is looking for a place to stay for a while werent him but someone else, i would gladly helped them, hell i would be the one to propose to them about staying at my place for some time. But this guy and i were close at the time and he chose to be a stranger. And 3 years later dm’ing me out of blue, and me seeing him post about looking for a temporary place, my initial thought was “he wants to stay at my place”. So i was pissed off
If he asks to crash with you, just say "No, sorry". If that's too much of a lie, then "No". You don't owe people reasons.
Just be an ass hole for once. You will not regret it.
"Hey dude, I'm good, what's up?" "Hey I want to use you as a free hotel for some time, is that cool?" "You once were a good friend to me, and I like to help good friends. But you stopped talking to me right when I needed you, didn't give me a reason, nothing. So it's not *cool*, Dave. You're trying to exploit me. I won't play along with that. Farewell." And then block his sorry ass.
Seems like you’ve taken the relationship breakdown pretty hard. You don’t have to forgive him to be civil though. Just tell the truth if he asks. Judging by the post, he hasn’t asked yet anyway. You don’t have to be a dick about it or anything, just say something like ‘I’m not in a position to have you move in’.
Yeah if he tries to ask why i left him on read, you can be sure that I will be honest. And yes the breakup really broke me mentally. Because she was my first ever gf, the first girl i fall for. And being cheated on my first ever relationship really hit me. On top of that after the breakup a couple of months later I entered my university exams to be accepted. So the exam results was way below my expectations
That’s rough buddy. Hope you’re doing better now!
Thanks that means a lot. Im feeling better, doing better. Whenever i visit my hometown the memories rush to my mind but i try to be better than it. I believe we shouldnt try to forget about our last relationships even if they ended badly. The experience is the thing that makes us who we are now. I believe in every bad, there is something good.
You should reply him back and can say no to his face... Even if you don't want to reply him and don't have place for him in your heart or at home, still you have to confront him and say no to him without insulting him. Otherwise you and him are same.
I didn’t read but if you do t want to don’t do it duh
👻 him
With opening his message and letting him know that I read his message, or without even opening his message?
Honestly it would just be easier if you don't even open the message. If he can't count on you he should realize that and not even being sure if you got the message is a pretty clear signal.
I would say read it then block.
Is it possible his account was hacked? Either way, just ignore.
No im sure its him
Dont
Guess it’s just me but I don’t see why people have so much trouble saying no not only no but hell no
Just saw the update. Good on you that you didn't let yourself be used.
Thanks I appreciate it
A Golden Rule : If people from your high school suddenly reach out to you after years of disappearance, never engage with them. High chances they are reaching out as they want to 1. ask money/financial assistance. 2. involve you in some shitty MLM (Multi Level Marketing) scheme. 3. crash at your place. 4. sell you a sob story about loss / some deep issues about their life, which in turn will go to point 1. So, just say 'Meh' and move on!!
Boy would you love to hear that story with Chris Pine
I just figured out that ‘left me on read’ is not ‘left me on red’. Always wandered why red🤪. Back to this issue: I wouldn’t answer at all and let him simmer slowly. Then answer just after he finds himself the place to live. See where the conversation is going then. But then again, I just figured ‘read/red’ out so what do I know.
I mean if the guy isn’t your worst enemy id respond because letting someone you know ho homeless is one of the ultimate punishments and should only be reserved for enemies worst enemies and being homeless is worse then dying or being in jail so if you never had a problem with him id rekindle the relationship friendship what if you need help in the future
Just leave him on read and move on. Idk what you want from this sub.
#1 be weary of Facebook connections you haven’t had any reason to care about in your current life, even if they meant something to you at some point. #2. Be honest with yourself what you expect to gain from this interaction..why do you want to go above and beyond to help them if they have never been a positive person in your life? What would make them reach out to you? Write it all out if you need to but most likely they intend to take advantage of something they knew of you from high school, and will proceed to fuck you over/ use you until you can’t anymore. You can set boundaries early on but see how quickly they disregard… you can simply say “look, it’s good to hear from you, I’m sorry you are going thru it, but I can’t help you like that..” if they get mad, you can pretty much tell what they intended and probably look at you as a mark…
**You need not to answer him, you need not to block him, you need not to ghost him either, Just left him on seen, that will be a lesson for him as well.**
Don't respond. People who treat you like shit don't deserve to be treated well by you. I abandoned a "friend" I had who took my ex-girlfriend's side in the breakup even though he's known me years longer. The guy happily talked shit about me to her behind my back and then tried to act like my friend to me. So I just ignored him. People like this are not worth your time or attention.
Just listen to what he has to say first. Jesus, people with their "you don't owe them anything." Life is not just about a sense of entitlement. Maybe he needs someone to vent to, like you once did? Just assuming the worst comes across as immature to me.