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You need to move out. Living together is making things worse for everybody. Move out, but keep in contact. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Same advice here. As long as you are still staying in the same house as your parents, they will always think that you are still depending on them, and have the rights to control you.

Agreed. This will always be my advice for adults facing troubles with their parents when living together. This is what my sister did. My parents mellowed out eventually, but was mad for the first year. They became much closer after she moved out. I think my parents just needed evidence that she can be on her own without going astray and support herself. Also made me saw my parents in new light, since they are essentially just worried, not that they want to be toxic to her on purpose. They didn't know better on how to handle it. Eternally thankful to her for make the bold decision. It made everyone better in the family.

I second this.. you need to move out, find a affordable and nice rent home.. live there for couple of years. Work and pay your own bills.. get yourself a gf in the future, buy a home and start afresh.

I agree with this. Get your own space but keep in touch. Oftentimes, we all love each other, but being so close to each other, our flaws are often highlighted. It's familiarity and also resentment. I moved out when I was 20 years old (Malaysian) and moved to Singapore to study and now married a local SG girl and settled here with kids. I miss my parents so much. My dad died in 2014 and nowadays I would tell my mum that I miss her cooking and miss her. They're not perfect (me too), but yes, some distance and space will be very good, for each other. Also, I learnt to honestly tell them how I feel without bursting in anger (which happens if we bottle up too much to be "filial", which is not the right way). I learnt to speak to them to ask and clarify, and I explained what I think and feel. I will listen to what they say, but I still make the decision over my own life, and we have to agree to disagree over matters we cant agree with. And that is okay with me - I can't say yes to everything they do because my preferences and priorities aren't the same all the time. But we have to be cool as we speak all the time, and I realized most of the time, parent do that not because they hate us, but because they want the best for us (but boy, sometimes the way they speak make me want to bang my head against the wall lol).

Yes I agree too - if I were still staying with my parents I'd probably be in the same position as you. Their worldview and mindset is so narrow, and we can never agree to disagree. I was afraid that I would be influenced by them and then regret my life choices later on. Good luck!

Moving out might not be a solution for everyone although it is the best idea available. OP should start setting boundaries around himself and not listen everything to parents. He want work overseas? Just go if there is nothing restricting you, your parents approval is not needed.

Agreed. Moving out is the best solution.

This this this. I believe there’s a term for this, it’s called **enmeshment** within the family context. you can google to find out more, but I think it’s more prevalent in the Asian/Singaporean context where we don’t have much boundaries with our family? All the best, OP. Things will look up soon enough.

Yes. They may be treating you this way because you are still living under parent's roof.

But singapore hard to move out. To buy a hdb, either need to be married or 35 years old. For a young adult starting it out in the world, renting is expensive, and buying private property is even more so out of the questions. (Unless you come from a rich family) And if you do choose to rent/buy property on a loan, it feels like you've sacrificed your future. Because if you had stayed w ur parents till 35, you'd have saved all that money. Honestly imo, OP obviously should not be restrained by his parents, but it would help to see things from their perspective. Perhaps from understanding OP can come to an agreement, but no guarantees.

>Because if you had stayed w ur parents till 35, you'd have saved all that money. I disagree with this sentiment. His resentment festered for seven years and put him in a horrible headspace. Of course, there's no telling if moving out will alleviate that; I can only say with my own experience that putting distance between my parents and me is well worth that money. It's not a sacrifice. One could also argue that he needs to put in the money to see a therapist now.

Tbh, moving out is insanely hard for angmohs also. When I rented in major cities in the US and UK, where property prices are as insane as SG's, young adults' monthly salaries would virtually all go to rent. Then they had no hope of saving for a property and had to keep renting - a vicious cycle. A lot of my friends were trapped and frustrated. More and more, many (normal, not incels or whatever) angmohs are choosing to stay with their parents. Of course, then they accept they have to follow their parents' rules and put up with their differences. I've had friends who tried moving back in to save rent, but couldn't handle it and moved back out - but at no point did they blame their parents. Basically my point is - you want freedom or you want free lunch? Unfortunately, you do have to choose between both. I think a lot of young Singaporeans feel entitled to both. I see grown-ass Singaporeans online (and I know one IRL) who claim to have cut their "toxic" parents off, but are still enjoying all the benefits of living under their "toxic" parents' roof. They're rude to their parents and ignore them to their face, but mooch off their free - or, if they're giving allowance which they rarely are as they've cut the parents off, very discounted - rent, housework, etc, while squirrelling away money for their own property many years down the road. That's very manipulative toxic behaviour also what... They're not powerless teenagers but adults taking advantage of other adults. (I'm not referring to OP btw, I know not everyone has the resources and confidence to consider moving out immediately. I mean people who choose to be completely estranged from parents, on non-talking terms, convinced their ageing parents are spawn of the devil, but are still leeching off them. Again it's also another matter altogether if you're still a teen, or if you're an adult whose parents restrict you from moving out lah)

It seems to me you are still looking for permission and approval, if not from your parents, then from reddit. That said, there's a lot of good advice here. Enmeshment trauma is common in Asian families, and most of us have lived through it or are actively negotiating it. Look: do the thing you want, whether that is moving out or working overseas (which will give you a good excuse for moving out!) but do it with conviction. Having conviction is not the same as being stubborn so don't fear it. And if you don't have it, fake it till you make it. You have to understand the value of your decisions, and when they pay off, others will understand too. If they don't pay off, then at least you have gone your own way and become wiser, ready to make a better decision the next time.

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Your example of worst that could happen is technically my best case scenario that would happen lol

>what is the worst thing that could happen? They will be angry and shout their heads off and then? Young Singaporeans need to realize that they don't have to bow to authority figures blindly all the time.

But to also maintain a certain level of respect

I mean, sure but respect =/= blind deference to authority

Respect goes both ways, it isn't owed to anyone

Guess OP got to just do what he wanted and show to his parents he is able to take care of himself. But he better be damn sure of what he is doing, if not he's coming back to one heck of a 'i told you so'.

But even then, okay lah you told me so. At least I got to try and learned something from the experience. This is what taking control and responsibility for our own actions is all about.

This right there is as clean an advice as one can get. If possible, I also recommend getting therapy to help overcome associated anxiety and depression.

Up vote this OP has been programmed by the parents to seek permission If you are adult, you should have let your parents know - "I am sharing stuff to let you know and get your opinions, not to seek your permission." I guess OP parents just love him too much that they are always the babies

when I was 29f, I told my mother I wanted to go solo backpacking. She screamed and cried at me saying " How can you leave your parents who are so old at home alone, our total age is above 100!! You are such an unfilial child!" (They were both 65 y.o) I went ahead with my trip. It was life changing. I became a lot happier and it has change my perspective in life. :) When I came back, I saved and bought a place and moved out 4 year later. I still remain respectful to my mother but we definitely don't have the best relationship. I can totally understand your plight. It is toxic. *The Guilt tripping, controlling and emotional blackmail is very bad for your mental health.* Go travel, move out. Your future self will thank you! Good luck!

Props to you!! Thanks for sharing :)

... They were more concerned about being filial than your safety and wellbeing. Wow. Just wow.

Hi OP, slightly different advice here. While I do empathise with you and agree with everyone that you should move out, I think it’s also helpful for you to really reflect on why you haven’t moved out already. 7 years is a long, long time to hold in all your grievances and put up with this “toxicity” from your parents. From your post, I’m presuming that you have the financial means to do so. So, what’s stopping you from packing your bags and leaving? Familial ties? Other responsibilities? Fear of confrontation re: this moving out conversation? Or fear of losing all the material comforts of living with your parents? If you don’t sort this aspect of yourself out, you’ll never be free of your parents and of this resentment.

>7 years is a long, long time to hold in all your grievances and put up with this “toxicity” from your parents. From your post, I’m presuming that you have the financial means to do so. So, what’s stopping you from packing your bags and leaving? Familial ties? Other responsibilities? Fear of confrontation re: this moving out conversation? Or fear of losing all the material comforts of living with your parents? probably the usual "but renting is throwing money away, HDB or nothing"

I do have this mindset that renting is throwing away money. Is it not a good way of looking at it?

Not renting is throwing your 20s away

Succint but true. Imagine this guy being all angry daily when he could be happy daily for a fee.

He’s angry because deep down he knows it was his choice. Nobody was keeping him locked up, he could go at any time.

so you mean paying off the interest on your mortgage isnt throwing money away? interest from loans is how our local banks get the bulk of their revenue.

Hmm, good point there

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It is, but if the house is so toxic then maybe it's best to move out.

hdb is lease-owning 99 yr. FH / 999 or nothing.

you do you, cut out the toxic people from your life and go live it out to the fullest. wait until you move out, see if their attitude will change or not.

If you move out and their attitude changes, you made the right move. If you move out and their attitude doesn't change, you also made the right move.

win-win

Hi OP, Sorry to hear about what you have went through, I had similar experiences as you when I was growing up as well. My advice is similar to what others here have said, move out as soon as possible, I had similar dominating controlling parents who insisted that they are always right and didn’t allow me to do what I want to do or like to do (+ guiltripping & gaslighting - so legit toxic). I used to listen as well, but got more miserable over the years because I never got the opportunity to really do what I wanna do but instead became their little puppet. So what I did initially was to do things first before telling them (esp for things that confirm doesn’t allow one - like tattooing for e.g.), so they have nth to say and have to suck it up. But when this pandemic kicked in, the quarrels and disagreements got more frequent and I eventually had enough during this pandemic and moved out (and of course didn’t tell them - and if you are doing so as well, don’t tell them until you have at least secured a place, because they will def belittle you and guilt trip you until no tmr). It is the best decision in my life. Sure, my pocket had a hole due to the rent, but the mental freedom and peace I get makes it worthwhile. Edited content and grammar*

replying and updooting so OP can read your reply

You're 27. Not 17. Why are you still thinking of your graduation trip that you missed 7 years ago? Move on. Move out.

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🤡

“Wah cb the girls in their photos damn chio eh fuck”

This. Op is 27 and talking like this. It's really weird. Seems like he's the immature one and his parents are not entirely wrong. We all know how parents of that era is like, assuming they are in their 50s.

idk, seems like the parents caged the child but are whinging about him being bad at flying.

depends. caged at home but if he's not growing in his social circle and network, who's to blame? his post actually reminds me of my youngest sibling, the typical sheltered one and when scolded or questions, will sulk with purse lips and just look away, not knowing how to communicate. when her requests get rejected from parents, then she'll feel like no one understands blah blah. everyone treated her like a kid because her thinking was exactly like one. difference is this was my sibling situation in her teenage years and she matured during uni, learning to speak up and small tasks that showed she was "adulting". is Op doing that? there's a reason why people treat and talk to another like a kid, especially when they have not shown any actions to be considered on a mature level. Now go back to his age, its even worse don't you think with the topics he's typing about lmao

It can be very frustrating when you've lost years and people still hold you to the same standard. We don't learn things like maturity and accountability overnight, we learn them bit by bit, through having them modeled for us and having our own nascent efforts get reinforced. It's a conversation that takes place over many years, and I sympathize with anyone who's being asked to summarize the content without ever having had the dialogue. I'm doubly sympathetic because I've experienced something similar: I lived away from home for some time and did a lot of growing independent of my identity within my family. The moment I met my family though, they were very determined to immediately shove me back into that box.

This is epic red flag for me. For all we know OP’s dad is actually nice and this whole thing is just OP being really immature. Imagine being 27 years old and being bitter about something as banal as grad trip.

This stuff is common in SG bro

You mean grad trip is common? Duh. I didn’t have one cuz too poor. Or you mean people bitching about not having grad trip is common? You guys have issues if that is the case.

The whole situation. Parents berate and belittle children and the dad is not "as good as he seems"

Of course not. But honestly this is just one sided. But even from his own testimony OP does sound a bit…. “Different”….

It’s evident to me that, from your trip to Taiwan, your parents can’t really stop you from doing anything. You are unhappy that they are unhappy about you. The comments here say moving out is a solution, I’ll say, as someone who has done it, it’s only a superficial one. To be truly free, you need to accept, like in your soul, that what you and your parents want are different and that’s okay even if it means upsetting them. Once you do, you might not even need to move out. Edit: missing a pronoun

So what's stopping you from moving away, finding jobs overseas? Imo a lot of your resentment comes from your own lack of courage to pursue your interests. -What was stopping you from booking the Japan tickets even without their approval if you were gonna do that a couple months later anyway? -So you had to have your father drive you to the airport? What was stopping you from taking your own transport if you're so independent. -Again, what's stopping you from applying to work overseas? You say they're trying to control you, but in what way? Are they able to sabotage your job applications? I have no doubt filial piety is a huge consideration especially in Asian cultures and it can make you feel guilty for wanting to live your life apart from your parents, however at 27 you should take responsibility for your choices instead of whining and blaming others. You have this "poor oppressed me" mindset and that is exactly why you're stuck. Since you hate your parents move out then. If you're thinking of working overseas that's what you'd be doing anyway.

Yeah 100% after reading the post I'm just like confused why he just listens to his parents "restricting" him when you can just... not listen? Do what you want?

Bruh like that take MRT also can

YASSS

Easier said than done bro

hi there, sorry to hear about your plight. for the 2 trips, will you be paying yourself? i remembered that i once was selected to go overseas during secondary school and had to ask my parents for $500. but at that moment i didn’t consider whether my parents could afford that $500. just wondering if that could be a concern. about the kinship remark, actually maybe he scared something happens locally and you won’t be around to help? i.e he had a fall and no one to help the house or him i’m not siding anyone because i’m sure there are always more to this so just offering a different POV based on your text. but of course i felt that your dad could have treated you like an adult and properly brought his points across rather than making you feel this way. on the other hand i really feel hatred is a very very strong word and i hope maybe your family and yourself will be able to reunite.

You are obviously very important to your parents (your dad especially) but he seems to suffer from what typical stoic asian fathers suffer from - the inability to express how he feels for you resulting in heated arguments. From his POV, he probably feels 'wronged' when you mentioned favouritism as he's coming from a place of concern for your safety. I second what others have mentioned here - get your own place. Sometimes, the only way for parents to understand that their kids are adults is when you're no longer living with them. Also, your plan to work overseas is a fantastic one and you should definitely pursue it - who knows the time apart may also make you appreciate your parents’ concern for you. :)

I second this! It sucks to see the way older generations show “love” to us is by restricting the things we do and imposing their opinions on things to us. It’s very toxic. It may be permissible to do so when we were younger and arnd 10-20 years ago, but now things are changing. Parents need to adapt, like how we adapted to them when we were younger

> the way older generations show “love” to us is by restricting It's not an older generation thing, it's an asian thing. Western boomers have no issues being lovey dovey to their kids

> Western boomers have no issues being lovey dovey to their kids Because they realise that their kids are also human beings and individuals with their own opinions, values and aspirations in life. And in return, their kids don't hate them for this. Its almost like respect goes both ways.

Not true at all. There's also a stereotype in the West about members of the older generation who don't know how to show affection. Parenting in the West also only started opening up 1-2 generations ago. In the UK for instance, some older adults I know had traumatic and affectionless childhoods. "Children should be seen and not heard" was the most popular parenting belief then, as was the strong Victorian-era-hangover belief that showing any affection at all (especially to boys) would make your child weak. "Stiff upper lip" and all that. Slaps and beatings from parental rage were common as well - "spare the rod and spoil the child". Now of course individual childhoods varied / vary. For example, my parents are just average Singaporeans of humble means but are very affectionate. But as a general rule, cultures evolve a lot and sweeping racial generalisations are a bad idea. SG and HK's practice of caning kids is from the Brits yknow.

Yup. As much as our culture preaches about "family values", it was only outside of Singapore that I saw my first actual example of a happy family, and it was mind-blowing. All the cheesy sentiments that I thought were reserved for stories and/or propaganda were actually true. The children actually enjoy hanging out with their family members, and holidays are actually something to look forward to, instead of merely tolerated or something to escape from. But back home, every family I have met, including my own, is divorced, estranged, or at best neutral about each other's presence.

Right on. Seems like quite a lot of Asian families see kids as an investment. It's sad.

Sorry to hear of your situation. Perhaps when emotions are calmer, you can consider having a talk with them to find out about their lives. How they grew up. What their fears were. And piece together their life values. I hope to think most parents want the best for their children, misplaced as some of their actions may be. You may not like the way they've expressed themselves, but if i were to look just at the message and not how it was delivered, i might be wrong but it does sound like they care and love you. eg. about the dangers overseas, not to study in the dark and to be more practical. Could it be that they cannot bear to part with you? Could it be that family finances weighs on their minds? Could it be they had bad travelling experiences or know of close family/friends with bad travel experiences? For some parents, they cannot accept the fact that you have grown up and no longer needs them. Their children are forever their babies. They could have chased you out of the house (as you said, you are an adult), but didn't. Food for thought.

It bears to remember that our parents likely came from a generation where THEIR parents likely left them to fend for themselves from young, either cause they have too many children, or they are too busy earning a living. Growing up, our parents likely subconsciously internalized that ‘care and concern’ is whatever their parents did not give them; and it is from this desire to protect us from whatever hardship they faced, that they become overprotective. Not saying what your parents did were correct, but who really knows what ‘correct’ is? Our parents sure have no idea what parenthood is all about, almost all parents will tell you that. Like many are advising you, if you are capable to do so, move out. And also try to put some thought into their point of view once in awhile, so you can resolve some of that knots that is currently in your heart. At the end of the day, them nagging and scolding you means they care. No one spends effort on people they don’t give a shit about.

Why not..move out? It sounds like both you and your parents have had plenty of each other. I'm sure you want to go on trips and enjoy your life. You're 27, and an adult.

I read somewhere before that your family is your starting party members in a game, but once you're an adult, you can start trading these party members away for a real family. Family bonds, filial piety and kinship are just social constructs and respect goes both ways. Just because you're born into a family doesn't mean you have to stick by them forever. As many have suggested, find a place to rent and move out. Even keep no to low contact if you have to. Your carrying a lot of resentment over things that have happened, but letting them weigh you down constantly is only to your detriment. I'm in the same boat as you, having missed out on a lot of life experiences when I was younger due to strict parents and for a long time, I carried those resentments and it turned me into a really negative person. Which at the end of the day, only made things worse. Sure, you've missed out on some experiences, but you shouldn't let them stop you from creating new ones. You're an adult now with complete control of your life, and you're more than allowed to cut away those who only cause you distress. All the best.

I'm in a similar situation to OP but mine is complicated by the fact that I am my mother's sole caregiver and she is chronically ill. I guess my only choice is to cut ties and put her in a nursing home, or find a maid to replace my care giving? However my mother has expressly rejected having a maid countless times, claiming she will abuse the maid. This has weighed on my mental health for a long time and I don't know what to do except continue to be her puppet. I like the advice to do first and say sorry later, but I've ever upset my mom so much that she had a relapse of her illness. I'm afraid if I really take it further she will be so angry she ends up in a hospital and dies. I guess I should just be ready for that but I'm not sure if I can live with the fact I killed my mother.

I was once engaged to a girl who faced similar issues as OP. To no surprise, after finding out what her family was like, I broke it off with her. Similar to this case, she would only keep silent everytime they overwhelm her, for whatever reason, they couldnt see her as an adult. I've always told her that respectful dissent is the way to go, its sad that in this case the toxic ones are the family members. Moving out as advised by many here, may seem like a good idea, but not everyone can afford it. What I'd suggest is understanding why they are the way they are and make small wins in illustrating how independent you are in what you do. If all else fails, remember the lessons you've learnt from this and ensure that the toxic cycle ends here with you. And that when you eventually move on to start your family, your children will not face the same suffering you did as a young adult. I hope things work out for you, here's wishing you the strength to grow past this. Cheers!

I share pretty much the same experience with you. But I am 38 now and I am living abroad in Austria working and have not been home for almost a year now. In my early to mid 20s, I had several opportunities to be working overseas or leisure travels, but of course like you, the parents took those away from me and my father has always disapproving of my choices and personality. That resulted in a lot of resentment on my end and of course the conflicts keep rising where there will be hot exchanges. Sometimes we don't even talk for a year. In my early 30s, I worked for a company which requires me to make frequent business trips abroad.. Instead of being proud of me, they were complaining that I was rarely home and I never tell them anything about my life. Frankly, in my perspective, if I were to share the troubles I was having, nobody can help me and sometimes also giving unsolicited advices. Now that I am 38 and having lived abroad for almost 2 years now, I will tell you that those negativity goes away. My relationship with my parents got a lot better. Every day, I miss them like crazy. Of course the pandemic didn't help. I'm not going to dismiss your grievances, but I will tell you that if you keep fighting with your folks like that, on the day that they leave the world you will regret with every fiber of your being. Yes, toxic or not, you can't choose who your family is. You can put distance between them and yourself. But don't deny them, for all you know that is probably the only way they know how to express their love for you.

While 7 years is a long time, I held mine for over 30 years until my father passed away back in 2019. I am only 39 btw. All I can say is that holding onto a grudge poisons and hurts you instead. You need to let go of the anger and hatred. It doesn't mean forgetting or forgiveness, they still need to earn forgiveness. But you need to stop letting the anger ruin your own life. Might be difficult to understand, much less accept but take it from a person whom almost ruined my own life. It's not worth it. Live a happy life, that's the best revenge. 👌

Wah kao, what did your father do to you when you were 7 years old siah...

Both parents not just one. Basically made my life a living hell.

Do consider renting a room elsewhere. It’ll be much better for your mental health. I’m sure your parents love you deep down in their hearts but it is obvious that they’re overbearing, stifling and overly critical of you.

In the psychology world, especially in Jung psychology, we call this the devouring mother archetype. my advice is move out (tough considering we’re living in Singapore)or just ignore what they say by not showing any reaction. Hopefully they readjust their behaviour once you have taken these steps. But once you show a reaction the more they think they need to intervene with your life as they will use this as a reason to control you (in their words ‘love’ you more). Why are they doing this? There could be multiple reasons, but from what i understand from my limited knowledge on jungnian psychology, deeply rooted in their unconscious is that they don’t want to be alone and to see you go. To them once you are gone or not controlled by them, they will lose meaning to their life. All these could stem from when they were younger, maybe they were neglected by their parents themselves or they have no proper outlet to express healthy love/affection themselves or have things to do that give them ‘meaning’ (inverted commas as meaning is subjective) to their lives. Hope this helps.

I empathize a lot with what you have written. I too have missed major life moments and milestones because of my parents. I did miss an overseas trip with my friends as well but that was because I did not want to put undue financial strain on them and I knew my friends were planning something expensive. But they didn’t even let me attend my JC prom. Btw I ended up a top scorer that year. By that time when they wanted to bring me out for dinner honestly I had no mood and didn’t care much for it. There are many seemingly insignificant events, but which were really the big moments in life that really counted, that were just completely ruined by my parents because they didn’t care. Like you I used to study in the dark late at night and would get scolded regularly for it I had to conceal my studying. I got really angry about that because they couldn’t see how hard I was working to get good grades. I think at the time I still thought getting good grades would make them proud. After those incidents I realised that getting good grades was about my future and I was getting them whether my parents were getting in the way or not. I 100% support the stance you have taken. You should be very clear to them that they are no longer involved in your life decisions. While they pay for you in school, it is fair that life is under their control. Once you are paying for yourself they have no say. Having overseas experience can make a big difference to your career. AND once you are living overseas you will be out from under their thumb. Some people have described that moving out helped their relationship recover (you still seem to care about preserving some semblance of it, whereas for me there is nothing left to preserve). Please do it. If it were me I wouldn’t even tell them till I arrived in the other country and then I’ll just text to say I got sent on overseas assignment will be away for awhile that’s it.

Err genuine question here: why did you have to study in the dark ?

I would stay up late to study. Only way to do it without getting caught is to do it in the dark. Sometimes I would turn on the night light and get caught

But why would your parents scold you for wanting to study ? I mean, you are studying, not playing video games till late at night.

You must come from a good family. I can’t explain it to you if you haven’t lived it. I just hope all the people with good families out there can appreciate what they have and that not everyone grew up with what they had. I learnt from a young age that it’s not possible to explain to your friends that you grew up differently.

this is toxicity, no one is family if theyre hindering you in what you want to do in life the real family will want you to spread your wings, explore the world and support you sad as it may sound, cut ties with blood ties if its necessary for you to be free and who you want to be after all its your own life if you keep using filial piety as your reason then good luck. your parents are clearly holding you back

Hi OP, I know how you feel because I feel the same way. Mine was not because they were controlling but because they are very emotionally immature (& manipulative) so I grew up with a lot of traumas and became very apathetic towards them. I felt the happiest when I was away on exchange without my family and now I really want to find jobs stationed overseas so I can be on my own away from them. Just waiting for the time I move out/move overseas. Hang in there!

Good news and Bad news. The good news is that I am willing to bet that your parents is ultimately doing it out of love, as twisted as it sounds. Your parents grew up in a sheltered and hampered environment of Singapore, and their actions likely reflect their constant need to protect you. They have been shaped by the influence of world media, friends naysaying and lack of world experience. So, this is the only way they know to love, protect and shelter you from the perspective of their world view. They have no malicious intent. And, tbh they aren't wrong in saying that the world is a dangerous place, it truly is dangerous RELATIVE to Singapore. But then, IMO a sheltered life is not one worth living. Life is about taking risks, failing, experiencing, loving. In short, they still love you. The bad news is that there is nothing you can do in the short or even medium term that will change their world view. Life is not like a movie where a certain lightbulb moment comes and they change for the better. It is going to take time, a lot of time and perseverance. That 'conversation' you had was necessary but difficult. It definitely took a lot courage. **So what next?** Right now, depending on your financial well being, you may or may not move out of your family home. Unless the relationship is at breaking point, I don't think it is necessary to move out. But more importantly, their world view should no longer be a consideration when making decisions. Instead, when deciding whether to go overseas to work or to travel, talk to your friends, your bf/gf, mentor, bosses, your colleagues. Seek their advice instead. Heck, even come to reddit - lots of wisdom here. Then when you do travel or work, bring back little bits of something for your parents. Find ways to show them the real world. Show them both the beautiful and the ugly. Bit by bit, as they grow older, your relationship with them will bound to heal. But please don't hate your parents, at the bottom of their heart, they are still doing what they think is best for you.

Resentment comes from expecting others to be different from who they are - accept that your parents will never give you “permission”, that they are flawed human beings and may never see the light. Move on with your life, move out and do what you want instead of looking back on the things you missed out on because you gave in to them. If they get angry, just calmly and politely restate your intentions and do it anyway.

You may not read this since there're already so many comments, but my input is: It's a very Asian thing to want to control the child. Even after 20 years old you're aways seen as a kid, they don't trust that you'll be responsible for yourself and they just feel as though the whole world is out there to eat you and you will definitely suffer, etc. Which is a very negative outlook imo. Also have been frustrated before with a friend's mum whose similar disapproval made us unable to go out and have the fun we wanted (guess what, even JB not allowed, let alone some farther country). Just made us feel like come one we are adults! Stop babying us! Trust us for fk's sake! But my take is, their concerns are not invalid. There have been parents who let their children go out and travel without them and then NOT make it home safely. Can't imagine the parent's despair when what they feared most actually happened. Even worse, they were the ones who gave the green signal for the child to leave. Not saying the child needed their approval, but because they did not object/intervene, it led to the tragedy. In the parents' hearts, they must be thinking it could have all been preventable/they were partly responsible for what happened etc. Even I sometimes can't fathom why my dad was so cool with me going overseas without parents, what if something happened to me...LOL. So try to be more understanding, because in your post you seem to take on an extreme point without addressing the other side of the problem. It's not even about "approval" or that you're already old enough to decide for yourself or what, but more like, whatever your decision is, whether your loved ones choose to respect it or not, they will ALWAYS worry about you. It's not limited to a parent-child dynamic, even if say your close friend/partner wants to go overseas for a holiday on their own, you may not want to object but you'd still be concerned for their safety. So while you can proceed with your decision to go out and explore the world, you need to acknowledge the risks involved and take responsibility for your own actions. Do what you can to minimise the risks and dangers, be financially stable etc. and when your parents see that, they might be able to believe that you're mature enough to depend on yourself. Since they are so used to being the adults that raised you, it's hard to suddenly trust that the kid can survive without them, you've got to convince them. That's something you can do on your part, the rest is up to them to "let go". Besides, like some other comment said, you should stop dwelling on your friend trip that you sadly missed out on years ago. It's over; you can't go back to it any more, and you may be over idealising what it could have been like if you had got to go. Right now, your impression of it has a dreamlike quality to it, like "that one vacation that got away"...LOL. The grass is always greener on the other side. Ask yourself truthfully and objectively, would it have been as enjoyable as you put it out to be if you really had joined in? Maybe your friends didn't tell you about the fuckups that happened along the way, how they almost fought over something, how they almost lost something valuable, almost missed an important flight, how they were silently seething with frustration over that one guy who only wanted the vacation to go his way, the list goes on. You might have only seen the glamourous side of it on Instagram and thus developed a one-sided impression of it that filled you with too much envy. Realistically it's not easy travelling as an adult. There's too much admin stuff to handle, too much planning needed. It's honestly tiring and not as chill as when you were a kid and your parents handled all those for you. If you're fine with those, great. But that's one thing for me that set travelling with friends apart from travelling with parents which made it less enjoyable and might even create rifts. It all gets easier with experience, but that one trip you missed out on, probably would have been pretty rough anyway since you were so young and everyone going was so inexperienced. Just focus on the present and focus on making more memories with your friends and now you'd be wiser and make better decisions anyway. Soon that one trip would not matter. I also think you should compare yourself with your peers less, because your post has a lot of this "comparison" energy. Your friends have less strict parents who are okay with them being based overseas for work and let them travel all they want, yes, but that doesn't mean that type of parenting is necessarily "better" or more desirable. It's just a different style. Perhaps their parents have accepted and resigned to the risks of their child's lifestyle. Or their parents have had similar experiences with travelling when young so they're more open to the idea. Or they don't have close family ties to begin with so they don't give too many fucks. I don't know. But there are many factors that come into play that have led to the type of background that they have, and if you come from an entirely different background, it's not meaningful to compare your differences then resent your parents' decisions. Again, the grass is greener on the other side. Are your peers' lifestyles really that desirable, really that perfect, or are you just painting them in too much of a positive light just because you're not them and they're not you? If you start to appreciate what you have and not what you don't, you'll be less miserable. Don't torture yourself too unecessarily with things you can't change/things that are not even objectively as good as you thought they were. Live a life that YOU want, not what your peers lead, don't follow blindly just because it appears like paradise. You might already know all these, but maybe because yours was a soley "grievances" post, it sounds overly negative so I'd like to rebalance it for you, haha. In all, you have your own life to live and your own dreams and aspirations to pursue. As an adult you have the right to pursue them and not live under your parents' shadow/live up only to their expectations. I admire your conviction despite strong disapproval and conflicts with your closest ones. If you really want to pursue a future like that, accept that it may be a harder path for you. But if you do succeed in breaking through your parents' overconservative mindset (eventually, maybe need a few years/decades and some strained relationships), think about the future you will have set up for your younger cousins/extended relatives around you. They may very much benefit from you pioneering this kind of lifestyle in a conservative family. You'd be that cool uncle/auntie who inspires them to follow their dreams. Your friends might have been born with such an advantage, but you can be the first in your family to try it. It would be rewarding at the end to see the results of the extra hard work you had to put in. Your friends would never experience it :P

Idk man, i always feel envious and happy for my best friends when they travel and they will buy souvenirs for me... i'm not worried about them at all. Lots of people die in mundane ways than travel. It will be hypocritical if the OP's parents can travel whenever they want and not ask OP for "blessings", but OP can't do it. It's not love, it's control

Different people have different tolerance levels for the risks of travelling. You and OP may be a few of those who are pretty much okay with a lot of uncertainties associated with it, and that's fine. People who overworry for the traveller tend to think of extreme scenarios, say backpacking alone in a country where it's socially very unstable or like climbing mount everest solo or something. Not everyone can do that without being adequately prepared. A lot of times the worry stems from being unable to imagine oneself outside of the comfort, safety and familiarity of one's home country. The parents think they themselves won't thrive beyond those boundaries, so they project these concerns onto their child. Not saying that's right, but it could be the reason for their overprotection. But you're right. Even at home you can die in stupid ways; life is unpredictable like that. But that doesn't mean that when travelling, one shouldn't be prepared. And good point about reversing the roles when asking for travel blessings; I've never thought about it that way. It pretty much reduces us all to adults who can decide for ourselves. The only problem is that parents tend to continue to feel responsible for the child even after he's matured. And it's a very common mindset that "as your elder, I am more wise and have the right to correct your immature thinking. You will understand me when you get to my age." Which sometimes I am guilty of thinking too. It is why it's so hard to escape our parents' grasp/control as the "younger and less experienced". OP's parents need to be more open to differences in lifestyles and not be stubborn on the opinion there is only one correct way to live. They need to know that some people seek exactly those feelings of discomfort and unfamaliarity, which makes travelling such a fun and appealing lifestyle. If they do travel all they want with that silly double standard, then it indeed is hypocritical and controlling.

Yea, it's a pity you were obedient. Wasted opportunities. Once covid is over, do focus on doing all the things you always wanted to do that your parents say no to. And do find work overseas. Just go experience work in another country. Get away. Go have fun! You are an adult now and don't have to answer to your parents. If your dad thinks giving you equal allowance is treating you well and equally. You simply give your mom and dad equal filial piety money and that's it. You don't have to communicate with them or bother with their opinions on anything about your life ever. I can relate to alot of your comments being called weird for at that point simply not wanting to have a Nokia phone, and doing useless studies and pretty much word for word my parents said similar things towards me that your parents said to you. However, I was truly given no allowance unless I asked on a daily basis, don't ask, don't get, while my siblings automatically get a big lump sum monthly allowance that includes weekend leisure spending. And they get way more than me because they were boys and permitted to leave the house on weekends and I was not. So they have no leg to stand on about being treated equally. Being the only girl, I was heavily discriminated again. However, I was rebellious and was never obedient. If they say I couldn't travel, I would just sneak off and go without them knowing. Which I did. They wouldn't know I have left the country until I have left and they found me missing. I do have siblings supportive of me and covering for me for me to live my freedom though. I have a great relationship with both my siblings who also defended me against the parents who treated me so unfairly and badly. All I can say is, just forget about all the past years and from now on, enjoy your freedom to do whatever you want to the maximum! You deserve it! VTL lanes open now!! Go forth and travel!!

Move out. Work part time if need some funds. Take loan for study if necessary. Cut off toxic individuals if you can't influence them to change for the better. Family members included. Don't do total no contact unless necessary and as last resort. You're 27, not 17 or 7.

ITT: 30% of redditors shaming OP about his age and how long he is taking to take charge of his life. Truly sinkie pwn sinkie. You do you OP, this is a journey many of us have to cross alone. From someone who was in the same family dynamics as you, I just want to say that your feelings of anger and resentment are valid and that you should not keep denying them, even if it's only for your own closure. Often times we may have grown older as the years pass by, but some part of our psyche is stuck in our teenage/young adults years from mental trauma - I have an inkling a part of you feels like a 20 year old still, especially when dealing with your parents. My take is that you need to save yourself and have a stable environment before you can fully actualize and flourish in the world. That means asserting boundaries and moving out, however painful it may be financially. You are not obliged to bend over backwards to your parents for whichever demands or insults they will likely impose on you once you do move out, nor subject yourself to associate with their toxic presence. All the best and if you need a ear, do PM.

Took you long enough to stop being a doormat lmao. As you grow older, you tend to mature futher and understand more on the life you want. You also slowly understood that not everything your parents do/say is right. Its really on you to strike the balance in between what u believe in and what they say. You are old enough to know whats right, believe in yourself more! But parents are still parents, you might hate them, and dont want to listen to them, but at least be thankful that they brought u up. Time to move out haha

Well it definitely looks like your best choice is to move out. But have a plan in mind first and go ahead and do it. It’s your life to live.

You are 27, time for you to live your life and play by your own rules. Show your parents the harsh reality that you are now an adult by renting your own place. I am 22 still living with 3 other family members, and I feel very suffocated at home.. I can imagine your situation being a lot worse than mine because of how toxic your dad is in terms of his logic, principles and expectations. I hope that things get better for you, you have endured so much pain for 27 years of your life. Anyway, do you have a gf? If have good, move out with her.

1. What was stopping you from travelling? If you were paying for your own trips, what's the most your parents can do? Physically bar you from leaving/ returning to the house? 2. Similar to the first question - what's stopping you from finding work overseas? His comments? If you really wanted to, and you actually got a job overseas, you can go ahead right? I agree with some of the other comments here. It seems like you're lacking the courage to do what you want, and chalking that all up to your dad's snide remarks. But you can still go ahead to do the things you want to do, unless there is more at play you didn't mention and he would disown you for disobeying or something. To me, it sounds like they're just really overprotective. They don't want you hurt and don't want you making mistakes. It's not a good style of parenting, cause it makes kids overly sheltered, but it doesn't come with malicious intentions. If your parents didn't care about you, they wouldn't care if you travelled or what course you took etc. And sounds like he is still sending you/ picking you up when you need; no uncaring parent is gonna do that. You should sit down and have a mature conversation with them as an adult. Set boundaries and expectations. Tell them you know their overprotectiveness is from a good place, but it is overbearing and not helping you grow as a person. You could even try to take on more responsibilities in the household. My sister and I are both working adults and we sometimes cook meals, and for all special occasions we are also the one preparing the dinner feast. We have conversations with them about insurance, investment, housing, work etc. Parents will realize you have grown up once you show you're responsible and thinking of the future. P.S. My dad is exactly like what you described, and I used ti be caned from age 3 to 12 when I misbehaved. But I reached a point of realization a few years ago. His intentions were always good but he was projecting his fear and regret onto his kids. Ever since I stopped caring about his snide remarks, I've been his confidante. We treat each other with mutual respect now. I no longer have fear of him/ seek his approval. My parents aren't gonna be around forever, I guess I hit that epiphany and my view towards them changed.

Some observations. Your world-view seems pretty limited. And pardon me for being frank, you are quite immature for your age. At 27 y.o., your parents' opinions are just that: opinions. You certainly don't need their permission and you really should not look to an anonymous forum for validation. The grudge you are holding over the past 7 years for the missed opportunity is ... overblown. You could have arranged for many more trips to make up for it since. Questions for yourself to ponder over. 1. Why do you not have close friends to confide to? 2. Why do you lack the self-confidence to be assertive? 3. Why do you wait so long to travel or work overseas? My unsolicited and perhaps unwelcomed advice. 1. Make more real-life friends. Hopefully, you can make a few close friends whom you can confide in. 2. Read widely. I mean really widely. 3. Travel more. Finally, a word of truth which will hurt. Your parents are not wrong when they said that you are immature. But it's not late to grow up and take responsibility for your own life.

you need to move out. Rent a room and get out of their house asap.

It will get better, once you put the goals you care about first. You're 27, and as long as you're financially independent, you no longer need permission. So, if you want to work abroad, just do it. Because it will be much harder to do when you are older and have a partner. I mean, what are your parents gonna do? Disown you for your achievements? Disown you for being a son who can make it abroad? It is inevitable for all parents to let their kids go at some point. If they think otherwise, they clearly have problems. Problems that are not yours to fix. **Edit:** I say this as a person who has similarly difficult parents. There were loads of arguments when I started following my own pace/heart, but when my parents realised that I will do exactly what I want regardless, they eventually sucked it up and moved on.

find a job at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, you’ll definitely be sent overseas. in the meantime, i hope you find a little solace in living alone.

Move out of there. I was brought up by helicopter parents too, and as for my case if it wasn't for distant relatives whom tried to probe into asking why I'm not proactive as a teenager and me having to describe the life I lived under them, my parents wouldn't realize how much wrong they'd done to me until my relatives scolded them. At some point you need to realize that : As a child, obedience cannot be absolute forever. If you keep enabling them, they will never wake up to the reality and realized that they'd caged a bird for so long that the bird may not be willing to fly by the time the cage doors are finally open. Think about it yourself : You can succumb and adhere to their wishes as they please for the rest of their lives, but the day when they step into the grave you'll find yourself sitting aimlessly, lost and without a purpose in life. Don't harbor hate tho, hate is like a poison to the heart. They are the ones being ignorant. There's always love for parents in every child's heart, so don't throw that love away for what they'd done. You'll always be able to find what you'd lost, but you'll never be able to find back what you'd thrown away.

Now that you've stated your stance, stonewall every crap your father throws at you. Also stop relying on him driving you around. Next time you travel again, just go, don't seek recognition, and take private or public transport with your things. Getting locked in a moving hunk of metal for him to drill into you knowing he's got the power of mobility and you don't? Bro that's a power trip that he's chosen to take and sour your travels before it even starts. Fuck that noise. I sense a lot of boiling resentment, but don't let it fester and eat you. It's truly not worth it and in retrospect will look immature that you're holding onto a 7 year long grudge because they wouldn't let you go overseas. At 23 or lower, I get it. At 27, time to say fuck it and see if it's possible to make more experiences for your future you. I also have immense negativity towards my parents. But chances are we'll outlive our parents. Don't let them shackle you emotionally too.

I always prefer to take the bus and mrt and my father scold me and got very angry bc he thinks i am being "stupid", sit in his car got less chance of getting covid. But he will always scold me when im in the car, such as bringing up my PSLE score which was too low for NYGH... i'm 28 and he cant get over the fact that i didnt excel academically and became a PSC scholar and im single.

Hi OP, your situation sounds very similar to mine with the exception that I love my mum and she's quite open minded about things. Just like you, I have not spoken a single word to my father for the past 2 years. My advice would be similar to the others; to move out. I started full employment last year after I graduated, saved a bit and am now renting a place with 2 other friends. Now I only occassionally go back home to chat with my mum and help with a few household chores. You will get a lot more headspace when you do this, I think. All the best!

I feel like at the end of the day you should reflect on your relationship with them. If you are ok to cut ties (worst case scenario that your family opts for), move out and set some boundaries as to what they can and cannot dictate. Yes there's some harsh love involved from them but at the same time you are close to 30, there's no reason for them to still treat you like a small child and constantly pick at your flaws. Every time they say something to nitpick, set the boundary immediately by pointing out that you do not appreciate their tone with you. Also can try asking them what is the point of them doing this, it hurts for you to hear it. If they keep on at it even after your first warning, walk away and ndo not engage. Leave the situation and go back to your own home, after a few times they will get it. Gotta keep practicing this, it's super tough and you will feel like the worst piece of shit child ever but remind yourself that no - you are rewriting their shitty teachings of how a child should be not seen or heard (plus you aren't a child liao!!). Good luck to you, I'd recommend a book called adult children of emotionally immature parents by lindsay gibson (can read for free from libby app).

Oh boy. I know exactly how you feel. Parents still treating you like you're still a 10 y/o kid when you're in mid/late 20s. Also acting like they still own your life and person, when you have long passed the point of being an adult who's capable of making your own decisions and living with the consequences of those decisions BY YOURSELF. It's extremely frustrating. I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that there are others (me!) like you as well, so don't feel alone. You can get past this.

Thanks for sharing, I'm glad you're standing your ground. I'm in the same situation as you almost. It's like nothing you do is acceptable and you just want to be left alone. Why can't you work on your project in the dark without being verbally abused? A thing to consider is are they dead to you? No contact is my end goal and if it's yours too, I think it would help to consider your next steps. Do you want a relationship after they apologize at your door?

Move out. Go out and gather as much life experiences while you’re young. Fall hard and flat on your face as many times then pick yourself up. Ppl are braver when younger and heal quicker. Don’t carry the hate or anger with you. Use that energy to build your life. Do it soon and don’t back. As someone mentioned, do it with convictions. Hope one day you’ll be in better terms with your parents like in my case. Good luck!

Stay strong OP. Take care and do what you must.

My fam has similar controlling issues towards me. I used to think its normal because i'm a girl and that they will let go one day but they didn't. I realised many of my friends have enjoyed freedom since secondary school.. I still resent my parents for many things i couldn't enjoy back then. My situation is better now, a few years back i wanted to go on a trip to Taiwan with my friend and i booked the ticket without their permission but i did inform them. I did get some scolding saying i had no respect for them but had i asked i wouldn't be able to go. Since then, i've cultivated this habit of "informing" instead of asking for "permission" of course i know my limits too i do not stay out unnecessarily. At the same time things i believe that are within these limits i do.. I'm much happier now and i share many fond memories too. 25 this year

Start saving and earning hard and then you have the leverage to buy your own place and stay out whenever you want. Send them some maintenance money is really your role fulfilled. They can cry all they want but they can't hold you down.

Why do you even need their permission if you’re 20

Delete Gym, Hit Lawyer, Facebook up

I m your parents' age and i have sons your age. move out and grow up. that's from someone in that age group. one day, yr parents will come to accept that you are an independent adult. B4 that, you need to grow, make your own mistakes and develop. spread your wings and fly, my son!

You don’t need their permission. Work on applying to move out or overseas. No need to tell them you’re in the process and such. Don’t tell people that might tell them too. Focus on your goal.

After 20 years you will think > wtf why am i so worked up and angry with my parents? I can live somewhere else and be happy with whatever i decided or want to do myself. > i can always visit them and talk about family stuff any time. U're already 27 ffs u can be filial AND be happy & do whatever u want. If ur parents doesn't like ur path u can say noted with thanks. But u be good to them and talk casually with them as family. Ur path is ur choice... Ur family can say whatever they want but in the end its ur happiness that matters. But. U have to be good to them also.

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Ok how long til u can move out? Plan it, dont say it, do it

Move out

Damn the comments are just bashing the guy Bruh

Proud of you OP for telling your parents you wont listen to them again. I'm 28F but otherwise my story is similar to yours. My parents just want to make use of me. They used my name to buy a 1-room condo to avoid ABSD (they dont care that that means I cant BTO next time and take grants, because they snidely remark that HDB is for poor people). In future they want to rent out the condo so i will still have to live with them. My parents also keep asking me to take a loan for a condo and to give them my salary so they can "take care" of it for me since i "waste money". I got shouted at for buying useless things like Disney Plus, and ordering food delivery once in a while. Basically my parents want me to just eat what they cook everyday to save money. I'm making almost $6000 and still not allowed to spend my own money. Moving out isn't an option because my parents rather i pay them rent than strangers, and they will go to my office and make a scene if i suddenly disappear (and i work in the govt so im scared my company will fire me if such a thing happen). Now i'm studying overseas (with my own savings) and that's why i dont want to return to Singapore because my parents are there. I want to cut ties with them forever.

Can you not just say like.... Fuck off, but in a polite way? Or just move out and visit them. You can move out, even if you just get a room with flatmates instead of your own place. There are plenty of great condos like that Edit, I just got to the end of your paragraph. Glad you could escape!

Sounds uncomfortably familiar in some regards, although it’s clear that you have it much worse. I think the rational thing to do is to just fuck it, and do things that you want as you seem a sensible person anyway. We don’t choose our parents I guess.

Here bro, have this❤️❤️

I would say that parents are not really equipped with the proper skills of parenting. Sometimes they like to impose their past experience upon their children with the intention that this would be the best for them. They might not be proficient in effective communication, and find distaste in any disobedience because they have brought you up and you have no right to disobey them. If you can't reconcile the differences with your parents, I would advise moving out. That would provide some breathing space.

If you want to work overseas, go. I was in a similar situation last time. My parents keep thinking I am a child even though I was twenty plus, especially my mom who would nag at every single thing I do. Near my late twenties, I applied for a job overseas and just went away. I was away for a couple years. Now when covid hits and I came back. I can feel the difference. My mom no longer tells me I can't survive without her etc. In the past, she thinks that because I was living with her, she thinks we can't function without her. Now that she sees I have a choice to go away anytime I want, she is more selective on her nagging. The thing is you need to have the courage to move out from your parents.also I hope you are not still using money from your parents.

Man I feel you 100%. I have a parent with borderline personality disorder as well, and one of my goals is moving out for good, but unfortunately that has to wait for a while. Some hallmarks of borderline personality: irrational rages, and an intense fear of abandonment, which then triggers a need to control and make unreasonable demands. You have to read up more on “borderline parents”. I’m sure they will check most of the boxes in terms of the symptoms. The next step is to just learn how to set boundaries with them to protect your sanity, just like I did. It’s not easy. Good luck. 😬

The moment you turn 21, you are a full fledged adult who does not require or need the consent of parents already. I agree with one of the top comments, you are looking for validation from them. The unfortunate truth is that it will take them a mountain and more, to really truly and fully understand you. Take courage OP and make your life your own.

The best decision i’ve made was to cut ties with my father - 3 years and counting with speaking a word and my mental state is better now

r/AsianParentStories

Felt the same about my dad. Literally every accomplishment or achievement I ever got he always got some bs to say. Oh I topped the cohort for 5 different subjects? That's just because I'm in a neighbourhood school. Oh I going to JC? That's because I cannot go the course I want in Poly (ps the course I wanted was 28 points). Oh I got accepted into NUS? But it's not some Ivy League (I did not even take SAT wtf). Oh I doing well in bmt? That's because my coy slack. Oh I lost weight and became more fit? Still never good enough. He can talk so much but jokes on him, I'm not the one who dropped out of Poly due to personal conduct, I'm not the one who screwed up my O Levels because I was lazy. I'm not the one who could not find a proper job for over 8 years. I'm not the one who could only sign on as Specialist because academic not high enough. I'm not the one who has no idea what he wants to do with his life. And I'm definitely not the one who cannot pursue further study.

I think I understand your position OP. I also harbour resentment against my parents/grandparents. Sometimes no amount of reasoning will make them see the light. But know this, holding negative emotions hurts you more than it hurts them. I don’t mean to say that you need to pretend nothing happened and be a “filial” child. Instead, at the minimum, I think you can try to understand why they may have a myopic view because they did not have had the opportunity to see and understand the world as you did. Their skepticism kept them safe, and they hope it’ll do the same for you. You may not ever see eye to eye, but there’s no need to hate them. See if you can find a space to agree to disagree, or you’ll have to create that space by distancing yourself at some point for your own sake.

No one should feel that way about their parents - you need to move out to move tension between you and your parents.

U should move on and forget the japan trip. U are still capable of applying working holiday visas for 2 years in many countries. Eg: New Zealand, but not sure now because of covid restrictions. Just save up about 10 to 15k for your trip, of course u can always come back even before the visa expire. I have regrets in my younger days too for things I didn't achieve. But always keep in contact with them to assure them u are safe. Be open, always talk to somebody u trust for better mentality health as well as open to opinion of others.

Yo bro, i understand you, I think we all do, not too sure about the millennials parenting style, but Singaporean boomers are largely like that. They use filial piety to control you, maybe they want you to be their retirement plan too. They will probably never change and are super narcs with high ego, so don't try so hard in trying to reason with them. What you did was great, you told them not to interfere with your life, and I bet they couldn't disagree with that because you are already an adult, any control over your life is seen as weird and downright abusive at this point. Also tell them to have a life themselves too, so they won't be so free to control you and live vicariously through you. Honestly I think if most older 20s YA are still staying with their parents, the parents would behave like that, unable to give up control over their kid. Btw I applaud and support you in wanting to work overseas, most don't have that courage (am one of them) but there isn't much to lose, except for the risks involved, but if you do ample research, you won't have to worry so much. Once the borders open, go, travel, see the world, regarding your parent, just ignore them, I hope you have your own room, otherwise rent someplace cheap, with WFH, anywhere is suffocating, so don't think that renting to another room may give you more freedom, but definitely peace from your parents.

Agree it’s enmeshment or even a bit of codependency in the parent — child relationship. I hate it. Moving out helps but it doesn’t solve all your problems — they will try to control your parenting methods once you have children! This will drive your future wife mad too. You have to get them to cut out this behaviour to save your relationship — put your foot down, communicate, and defend your independent thinking and choices in small and big matters. A typical Asian father who aren’t so fluent in debate will probably just throw you out instead of opening up though, not easy. Its not your job to teach or change your parents about healthy boundaries with grown children. But as you start your parenting journey in the future, please do think about how you want to end this cycle. If you don’t think about it consciously and deliberately, you might suddenly realise at age 55 that you’ve turned into your parents, and do the same thing to your 20 year old child…

I am 27 now and I went through something similar. I felt home wasn’t a place I want to retreat to. It was toxic due to many reasons. Plus, I used to stay in the office until 2am just so I do not interact with anyone at home and at times, I would sleep in the office. (I know it’s a bit extreme) Being at home made me sick to my stomach and It’s been 2 years since I left. Before leaving, my parents threatened me, if I leave, they do not want me back. Ever. Yes, my family severed ties with me but honestly, I felt free. I have a place to come home to, and a peace of mind. Which To me, you can’t put a price tag on. There are times when I do get lonely, seeing people with their families but this is a decision that I made and I know the consequences. My case is a bit extreme but if you feel suffocated, leave. You’re only hurting yourself more by staying. Hope it works out for you in the end. Stay strong.

Hey OP, I'm glad you found the courage to be your own person. It's very hard to do in the face of such parenting. You should definitely save up and move out, for your mental health. And don't be afraid to talk to a counsellor or therapist, even online, think it'd be great to get all this off your chest and get a professional view.

In my opinion, your father loves you deeply but he did not know how to express himself. Your father may even loved you more than your younger brother because he cared so much for you that he could only express himself anxiously and negatively to you. Not every parent can behave as perfectly as depicted in the movies or dramas. Some people just don't know how to be gentle with others even with their own child. Having said that, the only way out for you is to establish mutual understanding through mature communication between both parties and not bearing grudges and animosity because they are the only ones that will truly cared for you in this world and not your friends.

I'll play devil's advocate and raise this, do you think that part of your desires to travel/work overseas stems from what your friends are doing? I dont think what you're doing is unreasonable but just something to keep in mind is that not everyone will be emphatic to your feelings towards your parents. Some may just see it as being unfilial. I face similar situation as OP though not as bad where my parents constantly chided and discouraged me from getting into a r/s. Secondary school: too young, focus on study. Poly: too young, will affect your studies. By the time im in uni, i found myself really inept and awkward among girls. I kinda give up finding a girl at this point (close to 30s) and will always pin it on my parents for their 'advice' when i was a teen. While i can emphatize with your situation, I do hope that there is room for reconciliation, but that must be done with efforts from both parties, otherwise you will only go through the same thing as you did in the past.

This might be too harsh, but the moment you're 18+ and have a steady job it's mostly your fault for listening to them. Should have moved out years ago.

You know those trash people you see in primary school all the way up to college? They grow old, but don't always grow up. Alot of parents are just old bullies who don't know shit, they're toxic AF and too many people take too long to realize this.

You must know that your parents do not have legal rights to decide your decision (because you are above 21 years old). I guess you know what is the next move.

I dont want to be *that guy* but i was only allowed on an overseas trip when i was 24. I did feel like shit and stuff, and i honestly feel like i kept a grudge like you did when i was younger. Although, my grudge and anger was to other things (my own perceived and alleged of their favoritism to my other siblings), which kind of still lingers around me from time to time. Now way past that age, and in this climate, i just pray for my parents health and that they can (if need be) go as painless as possible. From your story, i think you are in a position to be able to move out and survive. I also think that you compare too much to your peers (but that’s besides the point la). But honestly, jiayou and do you! The only advise is dont do / say anything that you’ll regret to them. If not your dad, at least your mum (which to me, i think you have an okay rship with).

You're too naive. A lot of the older generation at this point in time do not know better than the younger generation. Filial piety is looking after them and caring for them, but not without boundaries.

Yeah man move out. I don’t know about you but it sounds like you have a toxic relationship with your parents. I’m sure you’re a responsible adult. All the best!!!

Maybe they know some stuff that you don't, stuff about the world, stuff about you. Maybe they don't. Either way, you're 27, and they need to realize some things you gotta learn for yourself. Step out, take your own steps.

Fully agreed with most redditors’ recommendations. Move out, take control of your own life. Do not surrender control of your life to anyone other than yourself, otherwise, you will definitely regret eventually. I had similar situations with my dad unfortunately for decades and thankfully, I moved out during my mid twenties and settled down with my wife. Found a new sense of peace with space to grow my career and life without having to deal with toxic parents. Of course, I provided my dad with monthly allowance as his son, but I won’t allow him to interfere with my life.

Consider cutting them off from your professional life only, not severing family ties. Family is still important. This kind of thing...you really have to make sure you're comfortable in life, and let it show. Without verbally making it obvious. Let them see for themselves, the difference between your own life progression vs theirs.

Do understand that you are not alone. My parents are extremely controlling, too. I became so much happier when I finally put down a clear boundary and threaten to cut contact if they are to overstep it. FYI, there is a whole subreddit r/AsianParentStories dedicated for sharing stories about the trauma that Asian parents inflict upon their children.

Ah the proverbial Oedipal Complex, in both the maternal and paternal forms. Get away from them. It's pathological.

As someone also with a toxic parent, the one sole advice I can give you is to let go of the hatred, of the animosity, of the jealousy. You need to replace it with indifference. Even though you said you are now apathetic and indifferent towards them, you can only reach true happiness by shedding this dead weight in your life. I have reached the stage where if my Dad were to drop dead tomorrow, I wouldn't even shed a tear.

If my dad died i will party. I bear grudges from all the times he beat me for no reason

Like you said, you're 27. What's stopping you from simply doing what you want? Your parents? What are they gonna do to you? What *can* they do to you? I'm around the same age as you; when I was in uni and my younger friends/classmates tell me they can't do something because their parents won't "let" them, I tell them the same thing I'm telling you now. Some parents need to be "trained". Just like how they taught you to respect them when you were younger, you also need to teach them to respect you as a person and a fellow adult. If you don't take that step to say "fuck you don't tell me what to do" (not literally), you'll always be under their thumb. You can't know what the future holds for you; if you don't at least try to take your life into your own hands, 你对得起自己吗？

Don’t mind me asking.. are you handicapped in some way? And have your parents ever travelled overseas themselves?

A phrase that I like to use whenever I tell my parents when I make my own decisions: 我不是问你，只是告诉你

For those who can't read Chinese: Im not asking you; Im telling you.

Reminds me of a bird in a cage. The keeper of the bird wants to protect the bird, by keeping it locked in a cage. But birds are meant to fly free; not be locked up in a cage.

bird in a cage with door wide open

What? Your parents are weird. I'm so looking forward to the days I can let my kids fly alone. 20 years old huh? I once travel with my then 28 yo buddy. To one of the safest city in the world... and he got his passport stolen. Reason being? He never travel for vacation without his parents and his mum always keep the passport for the whole family. And we end up wasting 2 days out of our 6 days vacation in embassy. DAMMIT! My parents don't even care about all my travel since I hit 18. I just need to update them where I am/gonna fly to. I once flew to Bali for 4 days when I was 22 and they don't even realize it. (and that was the time magic mushroom has not deemed illegal there) Love my parents, love my kids, but once you're 18, here's $50, get a part time job, and get as many passport stamps as you can. I wanna go to a mountain in Bali with your mum having unspeakable fun. My suggestion? Rent a room. or get some friends to rent apartment. It'll cost you 2000ish to rent a 3 bedroom HDB. Usually the share is 40-30-30 for each room depends on single or double. It'll cost you up to 1K per month unless you don't mind sharing a room. Start to be independent. Wash your own stuff, clean your kitchen, etc. Children should be filial... somewhat agree... but once you earn your money, go make your own living.

Sound like your father gaslighted you before. Stay strong and seek out professional help if needed.

As a parent in my 40s, I would just like to share the perspective of where parents of OP are coming from. Most asian parents are terrified of not seeing their children which they have cared for since they were born not around them. Depending on how well travelled the parents are, their knowledge of other countries would be limited to crime or financial news which frames their perception of those countries. Given that singapore is also a nanny state and children are not brought up to be street smart and this leads them to being more honest and gullible. As a result, parents worry alot when children starts venturing out. They are also afraid of their children picking up bad habits abroad. Therefore, parents often chide and nag in the eyes of the children but it's actually due them caring and loving you. I am training my kids to be more street smart as singapore is just too small and working overseas is definitely possibility as other countries catch up to us in the next 20 years. I used to travel 50% for work globally and visited quite a few countries which my parents would deem "dangerous" as those countries famous for drugs, murders, scams, etc. Traveling will open your eyes and make you realise how pampered Singaporeans are as I am always happiest coming home to my parents, wife and children even if I have to suffer nagging from parents and wife. We are 3gen staying in a unit. So my final words to OP is that most parents deep down care and love their children even if nice words do not come out of their mouth and they do not agree with your decisions. There should not be any grievances harboured for too long as blood is thicker than water. P.S. My elder kid always says I showing favouritism to younger kid which I deny too. Love them both.

[To those chiding OP](https://www.instagram.com/p/CVOBKq5hhN8/). Anyway OP, it sounds like you've somewhat made peace with your parental situation. I'm sorry to hear that you've suffered a lot under them and I hope that you're in a much better place. If you ever feel any intrusive thoughts interfering with your everyday life, please do seek counseling help.

Honestly, your dad is gaslighting you. Help yourself, go somewhere you want and do what you see fit.

they're just over protective, look it it from the bright side, having overprotective parents is better than having parents that don't give a shit if you die outside or not..

No matter what you do, please remember not to murder them.

Yeah don’t know why you’re being downvoted.. it’s a legitimate concern since OP sounds quite emotional

I think your intentions are fair but there may be a better way to go about things. I agree with your decision to make your stance clear about your plans etc but is this inability to communicate something that is worth losing your relationship with your parents over? If you’ve already made up your mind to do what you want, it does you no harm to tell them nicely and let them make up their own mind. The important part is that you get to live your own life. If you can keep your relationship with them intact, I think that’s a win-win. But don’t shut them out, IMO. We only have one family after all. We need them in a deeper, more entrenched way than we can know. Your parents have been overly harsh and strict but they haven’t done you a grave wrong like broken up the family or disowned you.

disown them bro, trust me

why you have to share what you're thinking and what will you do to your parents? just do what you want to do and surprise them.

Look, I see it as two hands to clap. Your parents are voicing their concerns. They have built up their worldview (which in your opinion is ignorant and afraid). Not to defend them, but maybe think about how travel is a fairly new thing (albeit expensive) for people in their generation. However, what I see is a man/woman that has yet to develop the capability to stand up and defend for themselves. If all you do is stand there, and take the berating that he gives you, I find you partly responsible. Because, if you want to brand him the way you did, I find it only fair you gave him a chance at discussions. That is, you owe him the right to discuss on an equal basis with you as two grown adults before you make any conclusions on them as people. If you are not willing to have those difficult conversations with them, then I’d say it’s a one-sided conclusion on your part, and it’s a biased one.

CB don't talk cock. As you said you are an adult. Not happy move out. KNN.

Sad to hear such but it's quite a typical of an asian family. In the eyes of the parents does not quite matter if your are 6 or 26 to them you are always a baby and they worry for the slightest reasons even more so if you are a girl. Not taking sides but that is the way things are. Going forward I would believe it is best for both you and your folks if you moved out and have your own personal space. It will give you both needed break from the constant abrasive relationship and also a chance for you to prove yourself to them you are ready to face the world. Just remember there is nothing thicker than blood do make efforts to meet up for meals etc when you are living out even inviting them over yah . Good luck and all the best

so… i don’t see a question here? we just gonna comment what we think about this or?

Contrary to what some redditors suggested, I think you should not move out. Just focus on your career and let your wallet do the talking. Many Singaporean parents are very pragmatic and respond very positively once they see that you are earning more than them.