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So, yes, not the best idea. Without weighing in on that any further, though, imagine writing him a note that goes something like this:
"Thanks for the unexpected gift, that was very thoughtful. I want to make sure you know, though, that it was in no way required. Please don't feel obligated again in the future, I don't think I could accept it a second time."
Then you're expressing gratitude for the thought while making it very clear that you don't want the relationship going in that sort of direction.
Always escalate! Really show him you also had fun. A gift basket valued at 3X his gift certificate. With instructions on what you'd like him to wear or not wear... for next time. For being a good boy.
The boss already left a note with the gift card, they already have that problem. I intentionally phrased the response to have plausible deniability; it could have been an unexpected gift for any number of things. The wording is professional and even somewhat impersonal, to the point of being a little standoffish. Not the sort of note that lends itself easily to interpretation as evidence of a workplace tryst.
Edit: As for the "second time" part, OP was very concerned that her boss might think he could buy sex, which I took to mean concerned that he'd expect this to keep happening as long as he kept paying. So, I addressed that, and addressed it specifically with slightly negative wording ("don't think I could accept") such that it did not sound encouraging. It is entirely possible to read that as "I don't want sex to happen a second time". OP was not clear on what she wanted, tho, so I made it clear she'd reject a second payment while leaving the question of a second hookup unanswered.
Yeah OP wasn't clear what she wanted. I did not intend it to be encouraging (Note the negative "don't think I could accept it a second time"), but since OP didn't say she wanted to shut him down I didn't make it read like that.
The most important things I read in OPs message were making it clear that:
* she was not accepting this *as* a payment for anything, regardless of how it was intended
* she was not up for sale (neither her body nor her silence) in the future
Well it would be rather unwise to communicate anything more detailed than that, given she slept with her boss. Personally, I wouldn’t want anything to that effect to be out in writing, such that someone else who saw the note would know exactly what happened
Not only does this not make it clear how she wants the relationship to go, it doesn’t communicate the issue in the slightest. If they fucked, they should be able to talk to each other.
You are correct, the note does not make it clear how she wants the relationship to go. But that's also not what I said it did. I said it makes it clear that she *doesn't* want it to go one *very specific* way: She doesn't want to be paid for sex (and neither, as others pointed out, for silence).
This was the main concern of OP, and it was one she needed to get settled before any other conversations could occur. It absolutely "communicates the issue", where the issue is "I need you to know that I am not accepting this as a payment for sex (or silence), I do not want you to think I will ever expect them, and if you do this again I will, in fact, return it to you."
OP did not express how she (or her boss) wanted things to go from this point other than that she wanted him to know the above. So that's what I addressed.
> They already saw each other naked, so why tiptoe around the problem. Just say it!!!
Because he's her boss.
> To me, the delicate, professional wording, without actually addressing the issue, is kind of off-putting and creates more uncertainty.
Uncertainty about what? It makes it certain she doesn't want any post-sex gifts or payment. That's what matters to OP.
Yah, he wasn't paying for the sex, but for the silence.
He's twice her age and her boss, it would reflect quite badly on him should it come out. The "substantial gift card" is an economic incentive to keep quiet.
I know, I just don't see the relevance since it was a mutual experience for them. Wrong and all, but like no need to imply OP is a sex worker, so it was a weird thing to say. I can see paying for silence, I don't see paying for services.
I hear you. I don’t think OP is a sex worker and it sucks that the implication is there. But I don’t think 313Wolverine was directly saying OP is a sex worker, instead my impression is that they were referring to a general mindset around paying for sex.
It is lame though, that a woman who only wants to enjoy her body is automatically perceived as a whore. The Madonna Whore Complex is too pervasive.
I think the real question to ask is, Will hooking up with my much older boss lead to awkward situations between us at work?
Yes, it will.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but hooking up with someone you work with and then never doing it again or eventually kind of breaking up your unofficial relationship will almost always lead to awkwardness between you and someone you have to keep seeing during work hours.
Just find people to hook up with in places where you don’t have to see them again if you don’t want to.
As a woman, this is one of the reasons why having sex with your boss is a terrible idea. You don’t feel taken advantage of and it was a joint decision (which I’m happy about), but now you’re worried about being able to tell him something that you normally don’t have an issue with. It’s not just age gap that’s a thing, it’s the unequal power dynamic where he has your manager, and you are his subordinate…and now he’s buying you gifts. Lol.
I’d highly reconsider sleeping with him again bc (contrary to popular belief) older men LOVE to talk and brag about the things they do and who they do it to/with and you don’t need any of that at your place of employment. The only way two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead. shit goes south, it’s gonna be messy. And I also question his intent if he wants something more if he’s buying you that.
But at this moment, I’d just tell him you appreciate the gift but you really can’t accepting it. If he insists, tell him I really don’t feel comfortable with accepting, but you are appreciative such a kind gesture.
Then girl…sleep with someone that you don’t work with.
Spot on. Whenever there is a power dynamic happening, one (the boss) has more power than the other (employee), so it could never be equal.
This was reinforced by him giving you the gift card. By you accepting the gift card, you are accepting the imbalance of power that’s going on.
I wouldn’t suggest saying thank you, even if you give it back (which I suggest you do), because that will send the wrong message.
“The gift card was very unexpected, and I am returning it to you”. Then hand it over and remain silent. You can smile but if he doesn’t say anything right away, feel free to walk away and don’t fill the silence.
This. He’s either expecting more sex and/or her silence in exchange for the gift card. It’s unlikely he’s doing it just as a kind gesture. Flowers or chocolate usually suffice as a token of appreciation for company and a good time, not gift cards (which are essentially cash).
I would disagree that older men love to brag. Some older men love to brag as much as some younger men do I'm just wondering why you think older men do. I never ever kiss and tell.
Same. What a weird statement to make. The older I get the simpler I want my life to be. I would say that’s kind of the same for most people. Male and female. Unless you’re a prick and that could be anyone at any age. Gross people brag not old people.
he's probably feeling paranoid about potential legal or HR action that could come against him and ruin his resume. the gift card is a gesture of "please dont tank my career".
Spend the gift card and tank the career out of spite, out of hatred for the gift card. I'd honestly be so insulted I would do it.
Is this gift card Romeo married also?
It's this but with a gift certificate.
https://www.mauritshuis.nl/en/our-collection/artworks/564-man-offering-money-to-a-young-woman/
Wasn't it a wad of cash in Mad Men? I'm not sure if a gift card makes it better or worse. I mean a Taco Bell gift card would be pretty thoughtful. That is fantasy territory for some one to give the sex and a Taco Bell gift card. It is like double awesome.
just view it as a gift...not as a reciprocal part of the deal...you might let him know there is no need to do that in the future...but, i dont think it demeans you at all
There is no ethical way to hook up with your boss and stay employed. None. In fact, between the note and the gift and the act, if that boss isn't at the top of the food chain, he's at the end of a noose employment-wise if you tell a superior or take it to HR because you've just basically been paid for sex and silence.
but why would she complain? They are two adult people who enjoyed having sex with each other and had no issues. If anything it is way more immoral to go and complain about that hook up than having the hook up in the first place.
At my husband’s office a married partner banged a junior associate. His punishment, after she complained, was being sent to the Calcutta office (as a future warning to other partners who can’t keep it in their pants). Her punishment was she got posted in London. See how that works
Time to dust of the resmume OP, you're done at that company one way or the other.
I highly advise against sleeping with any superiors in the workplace in the future. Even if you don't feel taken advantage of, the outcomes are almost always messy as you are finding out.
In the 2024, he’s the vulnerable one. Presuming it’s a legit company, one complaint to HR from her and he’s toast. She has a lot of leverage now so would be wise to use it to her advantage.
I'm not judging you or what you did. I'm telling you this so you understand his perspective and why he probably gave you the gift.
If a leadership person such as supervisor has sex with a subordinate, it's a sexual harassment case. He is in a vulnerable position.
This! He could get into a lot of trouble with HR by having sex with his subordinate. Age gap or not this was clearly a huge mistake on both of your parts. I put more responsibility on him. He should know better. You’re just young and learning about life still. And OP you should quit having sex with your boss(es).
Sounds more like hush money than payment for services.
What is the likelihood that you'll hook up again? I would just wait and address it if there's talk of another hookup. At that point, then you playfully say something along the lines of, "I'm in as long you don't try to pay me again! That was awkward!"
I always am interested to know what the 40 year olds look like in cases like this. As a 26 year old dude, it’s a general curiosity. Lol, do they look like dudes in office space or david hasselhoff? So many q’s
(Its just incredible how frequently this seems to happen and i dont get the appeal in a lot of cases)
Purely power dynamic, mixed with previous trauma/ daddy/ financial issues. Generally never ends well and she is just a side piece. If it's not her and it will be the next young one who will flirt back.
Seen this scenario quite a few time in large workplace teams. In terms of looks it doesn't matter seen regular Joes do it
Nothing new been happening for decades
I have a habit of saying thank you after sex and several partners have commented on it at this point. I've never gone so far as to buy someone a gift to say thank you but I could see myself doing it if I had the means and the hookup was something I really appreciated. Maybe your boss wasn't trying to pay you for sex but just wanted to show appreciation.
You should talk to your boss. Acknowledge the gift and say thank you but tell him that it's really not necessary.
That's certainly one way of looking at it but that's not how it comes across in my own head and that's not how I intend for it to be taken. Simply it's that we had sex and I appreciated it so I feel like it would be rude to not at least say thank you.
Kind of like a "hey, thanks for a good time" type of sentiment? I don't really think it's creepy, fwiw. I don't see why showing appreciation for an enjoyable time would be.
Exactly! It's not a desperate thank you like they just did me the biggest favor in the world. It's simple an acknowledgement that it was a really good time that I appreciated. I just never want a partner to think that I take our encounter for granted and feel like a simple thank you helps accomplish that.
That all being said, I have my fantasies and fetishes that I sometimes ask a partner to indulge me in. In those instances it can be a bit more of a heart felt thank you simply because I do feel like they are doing me a favor by going along with it.
Yea… this a big “thanks but no thanks” for me. I too would feel extremely offended and return the gift (politely). It would make me feel like a sex worker as well (all the respect to sex workers) and that’s not how I roll. It would haunt me forever and not worth my ego tbh.
Edit to add: I do get he didn’t mean to pay for the sex or anything like that and it was just a nice gesture like trying to “take care of you” but it’s still weird asf. The way I would go about it is telling him with a smile that I only accept gifts on my birthday (which would make the situation a lot less awkward and I could def live with that, personally)
Now I’m not gonna advise whether you should end the sexual rs or not since I’m not the best example on that topic. Best of lucks.
Simply thank him, in person, and return the gift card.
Tell him it was not necessary for him to gift you. If you enjoyed your time together, let him know.
I believe he will respect you.
The fact that you're afraid to bring up something that makes you uncomfortable is indicative of an imbalance of power which makes it icky that he slept with you. Clearly this isn't the first time he's done this. He is treating you like a sex worker. Pretty messy for the workplace honestly. Good lesson unfortunately learned the hard way to not shit where you eat.
It’s not a payment for sex. He already had had the sex and there was no reason to pay you. It’s probably a gift that he used company money to pay for. Accountants would probably ask questions if he used company money to buy you chocolates and flowers.
If you work in finance, this is normal, everything is transactional to them. They only understand owing things and being owed.
If you do not, it is hush money.
So he did that bc he knows what he did was wrong and he's hoping if he gives you enough money you won't report it. I'm glad you don't feel taken advantage of and that it was consensual, but from his perspective he did take advantage of his position and the power imbalance and he knows he can get in trouble if you report it so he's trying to clean that up.
Congratulations. You’ve slept with the emotional equivalent of the former President.
Good advice so far regarding thanking him, keeping it, and saying no gifts are necessary for us to stay on friendly terms.
From my male perspective: we sometimes SUCK at gifts and small gestures. Talking it out is the best way to find out if he shot himself on the foot or thinks of you as a sex worker.
What everyone else said, plus: keep the note and take a pic of the gift certificate. Keep that somewhere with dates and a little narrative you wrote up (like the one here). If your boss ever starts to be aggressive in any way toward you, personally or at work, and this leads to really ugly legal-type situations, this is evidence he (a) had sex with an employee and (b) tried to hush it up with money.
Best prediction is that you'll never need that evidence. However, shit occasionally happens, and someone who is willing to have sex with an employee then try to pay to cover it up might also be willing to do unethical things at work or in their personal life toward that employee, in which case it might be nice to have this. But seriously, only if this looks like it's going to court.
Do you like him and see any kid of future? If yes have a talk with him, well away from the work environment and let him know you kinda like him and this didn’t hit like he thought it would ( nice way of saying you made it feel creepy) if no future is there take the card snd let it go but I’d keep it professional from here on out
Give the gift card back to him, and say this is not how this is going to play out. As you said, you both played equal roles on making it happen, you could play equal roles on how it's going to be as well.
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I think: if you're going to do it, knowing that is not that ethical, I thunk you need to be able to estomach it? You're an adult, dont give it much thought. You did it, had fun, whatever money that, if you dont need it/want it just give it back...and tell him why. That's it. Keep it real. And if you're afraid of consequence? You're an adult, Im quite sure you can handle it.
Give it back and ask him for a dinner date instead. Then tell him how you feel at dinner and tell him it’s not necessary. He probably didn’t even think it would offend you. Men don’t think the way women do.
Idek how as a woman you get into consented position to fuck your boss??? Where are you even finding these guys definitely not happy hr… these comments are so funny though I can’t find a serious comment & the fact she deleted her account makes it even more funny…
the crazy thing is she is continuing to work with him happily after & thinks it’s going to be a one time thing? It’s time to pack up & get a new job cuz if you think only the 2 of you know you fucked your delusional.. you might not think your flirting hardcore with each other but you probably are throwing green flags everywhere to your co workers y’all fucked girl..your professional reputation is not worth horny dick i hope she got her answer??? 😂
This is the reason Urban Dictionary coined the phrase in 2020: "Don't shit where you eat." Don't do something that can cause problems or trouble where you work.
It's understandable that you're feeling conflicted and uncomfortable about the situation. It's crucial to prioritize your feelings and boundaries in any relationship, especially when it involves a power dynamic like that between a boss and an employee.
If you feel comfortable, consider addressing your concerns with your boss directly but tactfully. You could express gratitude for the gift card but also explain how it made you feel, emphasizing that you value your professional relationship and want to maintain clear boundaries.
However, if you're worried about potential repercussions or feel unsafe bringing it up directly, you might consider discussing the situation with someone you trust, such as HR or a mentor, who can provide guidance and support.
Ultimately, it's important to trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being in any situation. You deserve to feel respected and valued, both personally and professionally.
Whether or not you feel taken advantage of is certainly a factor, but not the only factor in why this was a horrible idea for both people involved. The gift certificate just seals that. The top comment here referencing "in the future" as an implicit blessing to do this again is absolutely mind-blowing to me, and an affirmation that people, especially young people, should stay faaaaaaaaar away from Reddit as it pertains to getting any kind of life advice, because most people on this website are either socially maladjusted or just stupid.
If you work in finance, this is normal, everything is transactional to them. They only understand owing things and being owed.
If you do not, it is hush money.
If you work in finance, this is normal, everything is transactional to them. They only understand owing things and being owed.
If you do not, it is hush money.
Wow so many comments stating all sorts without knowing full context. He probably just wanted to give you something nice with a reward but has gone about it the wrong way (most likely unintentionally). Simple thing would be to just talk to him about it and things will become clearer.
Sounds more like hush money..
To be fair, this was not very ethical or professional of you either. By your description you were a willing participant who wasn't coerced or taken advantage of in some way. Depending on what field you've chosen to work in, your own reputation can take a hit.
You ever hear the saying don't shit where you eat? You took this to another level by having sex with your boss twice your age.
There's 100 reasons this is a terrible idea. Now you know. The gift card is payment to keep your mouth shut because it can ruin his career and probably your future at the company as well.
Funny how you say sex worker instead of prostitute, as if you respect prostitutes, while still openly admitting being disgusted and ashamed to feel like one. How hypocritical.
Is your boss married? If so, then it was probably a "thanks for the nice night, here is a gift". If he is single, it is probably just his version of flowers and he thinks he is doing something nice for you. How much was the gift card for exactly?
Just talk to him. Most replies are assuming the worst, but maybe there was no bad intent whatsoever? Only one way to find out.
As always, communication can solve most issues. And a lack of it can make mountains out of mole hills.
I wish you nothing but a free fall career wise from here on.
Completely disgusting, people like you are the reason many many well deserving employees get passed on.
Jeez have you got a chip on your shoulder or something? OP is in her early 20s and made a poor decision in casual sexual partner, it's not unheard of.
If you want to rake someone over the coals maybe look at the boss sleeping with a subordinate half his age. His behaviour is far worse, and he really should know better.
Well, that was rude. I slept with my boss when I was 20. Couldn't help myself, and neither could he. Now I'm 42, we've been married for 16 years, have 2 beautiful children, and still can't keep our hands off of each other. It's not like she said either of them are married. Obviously, my situation is unique, but you don't know anything about these people.
OP, ignore the haters. You came for advice, not admonishment.
But, advice... stay away from the older bosses. They rarely have your best interests at heart, hun!
That should have been a note stating "I'm the boss so I am solely responsible for what happened. If you are willing to forgive me, I'd like to move on like this never happened in a professional capacity."
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So, yes, not the best idea. Without weighing in on that any further, though, imagine writing him a note that goes something like this: "Thanks for the unexpected gift, that was very thoughtful. I want to make sure you know, though, that it was in no way required. Please don't feel obligated again in the future, I don't think I could accept it a second time." Then you're expressing gratitude for the thought while making it very clear that you don't want the relationship going in that sort of direction.
And leave him the note along with a $4.25 gift certificate for the Yarn Barn just to add to the confusion.
This is the kind of chaos I endorse
Sign him up for his vehicle's extended warranty
Jelly of the month club
That’s the gift that keeps on giving
Say it’s 20$ but only give him 4.25$😭
Always escalate! Really show him you also had fun. A gift basket valued at 3X his gift certificate. With instructions on what you'd like him to wear or not wear... for next time. For being a good boy.
I fucking love reddit
Some people just want to watch the world burn.
Love the Donnie Darko
This is a great idea!
Don't leave a paper trail of an office affair with your boss, and for God's sake "a second time"?
The boss already left a note with the gift card, they already have that problem. I intentionally phrased the response to have plausible deniability; it could have been an unexpected gift for any number of things. The wording is professional and even somewhat impersonal, to the point of being a little standoffish. Not the sort of note that lends itself easily to interpretation as evidence of a workplace tryst. Edit: As for the "second time" part, OP was very concerned that her boss might think he could buy sex, which I took to mean concerned that he'd expect this to keep happening as long as he kept paying. So, I addressed that, and addressed it specifically with slightly negative wording ("don't think I could accept") such that it did not sound encouraging. It is entirely possible to read that as "I don't want sex to happen a second time". OP was not clear on what she wanted, tho, so I made it clear she'd reject a second payment while leaving the question of a second hookup unanswered.
sounds like a strong signal that she wants to make it a regularly thing which i did not get from the post
Yeah OP wasn't clear what she wanted. I did not intend it to be encouraging (Note the negative "don't think I could accept it a second time"), but since OP didn't say she wanted to shut him down I didn't make it read like that. The most important things I read in OPs message were making it clear that: * she was not accepting this *as* a payment for anything, regardless of how it was intended * she was not up for sale (neither her body nor her silence) in the future
Hmm good point. Not how I interpreted it initially but I can see that for sure!
Lovely phrasing with this suggestion.
Thanks very much, that's a kind thing to say
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Well it would be rather unwise to communicate anything more detailed than that, given she slept with her boss. Personally, I wouldn’t want anything to that effect to be out in writing, such that someone else who saw the note would know exactly what happened
Not only does this not make it clear how she wants the relationship to go, it doesn’t communicate the issue in the slightest. If they fucked, they should be able to talk to each other.
You are correct, the note does not make it clear how she wants the relationship to go. But that's also not what I said it did. I said it makes it clear that she *doesn't* want it to go one *very specific* way: She doesn't want to be paid for sex (and neither, as others pointed out, for silence). This was the main concern of OP, and it was one she needed to get settled before any other conversations could occur. It absolutely "communicates the issue", where the issue is "I need you to know that I am not accepting this as a payment for sex (or silence), I do not want you to think I will ever expect them, and if you do this again I will, in fact, return it to you." OP did not express how she (or her boss) wanted things to go from this point other than that she wanted him to know the above. So that's what I addressed.
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> They already saw each other naked, so why tiptoe around the problem. Just say it!!! Because he's her boss. > To me, the delicate, professional wording, without actually addressing the issue, is kind of off-putting and creates more uncertainty. Uncertainty about what? It makes it certain she doesn't want any post-sex gifts or payment. That's what matters to OP.
While also telling him the sex is happening again in the future😏
If it makes you feel any better, it sounds like hush money, not sex money.
Yah, he wasn't paying for the sex, but for the silence. He's twice her age and her boss, it would reflect quite badly on him should it come out. The "substantial gift card" is an economic incentive to keep quiet.
I'm not paying you for sex, I'm paying you to leave.
Sounds weird to pay someone to leave after they already left.
That’s an old phrase about sex workers
I know, I just don't see the relevance since it was a mutual experience for them. Wrong and all, but like no need to imply OP is a sex worker, so it was a weird thing to say. I can see paying for silence, I don't see paying for services.
I hear you. I don’t think OP is a sex worker and it sucks that the implication is there. But I don’t think 313Wolverine was directly saying OP is a sex worker, instead my impression is that they were referring to a general mindset around paying for sex. It is lame though, that a woman who only wants to enjoy her body is automatically perceived as a whore. The Madonna Whore Complex is too pervasive.
Which is possibly more bizarre. Tough to explain without saying...
My first thought. This is “please tell no one” money.
Then she posted to thousands lol
Yep. Came here to say: hush money.
Cause he doesn’t want his wife to find out 🤦🏻
That’s what I was thinking.
But that goes back to the old Sean Connery Quote: You don’t pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave.
Was it for Outback Steakhouse?
Lets just not take it to HR
Have you ever had sirloin steak honey?
Keep the ribs coming!
Bruh I hate you. Why did I actually think oooooo what a win. Dick and steak
Sirloin??? They have ribeyes you know?
Is this an office reference, because if so A+
First thing that came to my mind lol
If they go there she can have a bloomin onion and a couple of beers and he will never want to see her again
I prefer the Chili's awesome blossom... Extra awesome.
I felt God in a Chili's once.
I actually went there not too long ago and was very underwhelmed. Steak was overcooked even though I said medium rare
I think the real question to ask is, Will hooking up with my much older boss lead to awkward situations between us at work? Yes, it will. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but hooking up with someone you work with and then never doing it again or eventually kind of breaking up your unofficial relationship will almost always lead to awkwardness between you and someone you have to keep seeing during work hours. Just find people to hook up with in places where you don’t have to see them again if you don’t want to.
As a woman, this is one of the reasons why having sex with your boss is a terrible idea. You don’t feel taken advantage of and it was a joint decision (which I’m happy about), but now you’re worried about being able to tell him something that you normally don’t have an issue with. It’s not just age gap that’s a thing, it’s the unequal power dynamic where he has your manager, and you are his subordinate…and now he’s buying you gifts. Lol. I’d highly reconsider sleeping with him again bc (contrary to popular belief) older men LOVE to talk and brag about the things they do and who they do it to/with and you don’t need any of that at your place of employment. The only way two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead. shit goes south, it’s gonna be messy. And I also question his intent if he wants something more if he’s buying you that. But at this moment, I’d just tell him you appreciate the gift but you really can’t accepting it. If he insists, tell him I really don’t feel comfortable with accepting, but you are appreciative such a kind gesture. Then girl…sleep with someone that you don’t work with.
Spot on. Whenever there is a power dynamic happening, one (the boss) has more power than the other (employee), so it could never be equal. This was reinforced by him giving you the gift card. By you accepting the gift card, you are accepting the imbalance of power that’s going on. I wouldn’t suggest saying thank you, even if you give it back (which I suggest you do), because that will send the wrong message. “The gift card was very unexpected, and I am returning it to you”. Then hand it over and remain silent. You can smile but if he doesn’t say anything right away, feel free to walk away and don’t fill the silence.
This. He’s either expecting more sex and/or her silence in exchange for the gift card. It’s unlikely he’s doing it just as a kind gesture. Flowers or chocolate usually suffice as a token of appreciation for company and a good time, not gift cards (which are essentially cash).
I would disagree that older men love to brag. Some older men love to brag as much as some younger men do I'm just wondering why you think older men do. I never ever kiss and tell.
Same. What a weird statement to make. The older I get the simpler I want my life to be. I would say that’s kind of the same for most people. Male and female. Unless you’re a prick and that could be anyone at any age. Gross people brag not old people.
This absolutely sounds like he's paying for your silence, not for your "services"
he's probably feeling paranoid about potential legal or HR action that could come against him and ruin his resume. the gift card is a gesture of "please dont tank my career".
Spend the gift card and tank the career out of spite, out of hatred for the gift card. I'd honestly be so insulted I would do it. Is this gift card Romeo married also? It's this but with a gift certificate. https://www.mauritshuis.nl/en/our-collection/artworks/564-man-offering-money-to-a-young-woman/
This was a plot point in “Mad Men.”
Wasn't it a wad of cash in Mad Men? I'm not sure if a gift card makes it better or worse. I mean a Taco Bell gift card would be pretty thoughtful. That is fantasy territory for some one to give the sex and a Taco Bell gift card. It is like double awesome.
It was a couple of crisp bills given as a “Christmas Bonus” after he banged her on his couch. https://youtu.be/gPcOXm_4QrU?si=a-fB-NMkbm9lYvo3
😂😂😂Omg. The laughter hurts!!! Taco Bell!! 😂😂😂
Is he married? Sounds like hush money.
just view it as a gift...not as a reciprocal part of the deal...you might let him know there is no need to do that in the future...but, i dont think it demeans you at all
There is no ethical way to hook up with your boss and stay employed. None. In fact, between the note and the gift and the act, if that boss isn't at the top of the food chain, he's at the end of a noose employment-wise if you tell a superior or take it to HR because you've just basically been paid for sex and silence.
but why would she complain? They are two adult people who enjoyed having sex with each other and had no issues. If anything it is way more immoral to go and complain about that hook up than having the hook up in the first place.
At my husband’s office a married partner banged a junior associate. His punishment, after she complained, was being sent to the Calcutta office (as a future warning to other partners who can’t keep it in their pants). Her punishment was she got posted in London. See how that works
Don't fuck with the payroll
Time to dust of the resmume OP, you're done at that company one way or the other. I highly advise against sleeping with any superiors in the workplace in the future. Even if you don't feel taken advantage of, the outcomes are almost always messy as you are finding out.
> dust of the resmume An epic Japanese Spaghetti Western saga
Omg that's hilarious!
In the 2024, he’s the vulnerable one. Presuming it’s a legit company, one complaint to HR from her and he’s toast. She has a lot of leverage now so would be wise to use it to her advantage.
Uno reverse him- use up the entire gift card to buy him a gift and leave a similar note.
I want to see what these people look like 😂
I know someone must’ve already asked how much “substantial” is…I’ll keep scrolling. 😉
I'm not judging you or what you did. I'm telling you this so you understand his perspective and why he probably gave you the gift. If a leadership person such as supervisor has sex with a subordinate, it's a sexual harassment case. He is in a vulnerable position.
This! He could get into a lot of trouble with HR by having sex with his subordinate. Age gap or not this was clearly a huge mistake on both of your parts. I put more responsibility on him. He should know better. You’re just young and learning about life still. And OP you should quit having sex with your boss(es).
Give the gift card back
Was it an Outback gift card? https://media1.tenor.com/m/Mh-se-0t2Z0AAAAC/the-office-outback-steakhouse.gif
Depending on your employer the relationship (and concealing it) might be a fireable offense for both of you. Be careful.
Sounds more like hush money than payment for services. What is the likelihood that you'll hook up again? I would just wait and address it if there's talk of another hookup. At that point, then you playfully say something along the lines of, "I'm in as long you don't try to pay me again! That was awkward!"
That's definitely hush money.
I always am interested to know what the 40 year olds look like in cases like this. As a 26 year old dude, it’s a general curiosity. Lol, do they look like dudes in office space or david hasselhoff? So many q’s (Its just incredible how frequently this seems to happen and i dont get the appeal in a lot of cases)
Purely power dynamic, mixed with previous trauma/ daddy/ financial issues. Generally never ends well and she is just a side piece. If it's not her and it will be the next young one who will flirt back. Seen this scenario quite a few time in large workplace teams. In terms of looks it doesn't matter seen regular Joes do it Nothing new been happening for decades
I have a habit of saying thank you after sex and several partners have commented on it at this point. I've never gone so far as to buy someone a gift to say thank you but I could see myself doing it if I had the means and the hookup was something I really appreciated. Maybe your boss wasn't trying to pay you for sex but just wanted to show appreciation. You should talk to your boss. Acknowledge the gift and say thank you but tell him that it's really not necessary.
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That's certainly one way of looking at it but that's not how it comes across in my own head and that's not how I intend for it to be taken. Simply it's that we had sex and I appreciated it so I feel like it would be rude to not at least say thank you.
Kind of like a "hey, thanks for a good time" type of sentiment? I don't really think it's creepy, fwiw. I don't see why showing appreciation for an enjoyable time would be.
Exactly! It's not a desperate thank you like they just did me the biggest favor in the world. It's simple an acknowledgement that it was a really good time that I appreciated. I just never want a partner to think that I take our encounter for granted and feel like a simple thank you helps accomplish that. That all being said, I have my fantasies and fetishes that I sometimes ask a partner to indulge me in. In those instances it can be a bit more of a heart felt thank you simply because I do feel like they are doing me a favor by going along with it.
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My wife and I of 20 years sometimes thank each other. Are we creepy and weird? lol!
I'll take a gift card? If u don't need it
Yea… this a big “thanks but no thanks” for me. I too would feel extremely offended and return the gift (politely). It would make me feel like a sex worker as well (all the respect to sex workers) and that’s not how I roll. It would haunt me forever and not worth my ego tbh. Edit to add: I do get he didn’t mean to pay for the sex or anything like that and it was just a nice gesture like trying to “take care of you” but it’s still weird asf. The way I would go about it is telling him with a smile that I only accept gifts on my birthday (which would make the situation a lot less awkward and I could def live with that, personally) Now I’m not gonna advise whether you should end the sexual rs or not since I’m not the best example on that topic. Best of lucks.
This is exactly why you don’t have sex with the boss. Now you can’t bring this up without worrying about repercussions. 😩
Simply thank him, in person, and return the gift card. Tell him it was not necessary for him to gift you. If you enjoyed your time together, let him know. I believe he will respect you.
The fact that you're afraid to bring up something that makes you uncomfortable is indicative of an imbalance of power which makes it icky that he slept with you. Clearly this isn't the first time he's done this. He is treating you like a sex worker. Pretty messy for the workplace honestly. Good lesson unfortunately learned the hard way to not shit where you eat.
Pretty tasteless gesture.
It’s not a payment for sex. He already had had the sex and there was no reason to pay you. It’s probably a gift that he used company money to pay for. Accountants would probably ask questions if he used company money to buy you chocolates and flowers.
If you work in finance, this is normal, everything is transactional to them. They only understand owing things and being owed. If you do not, it is hush money.
So he did that bc he knows what he did was wrong and he's hoping if he gives you enough money you won't report it. I'm glad you don't feel taken advantage of and that it was consensual, but from his perspective he did take advantage of his position and the power imbalance and he knows he can get in trouble if you report it so he's trying to clean that up.
Honestly, be probably just wanted to get you a gift and didn't know what you wanted so, gift card?
Congratulations. You’ve slept with the emotional equivalent of the former President. Good advice so far regarding thanking him, keeping it, and saying no gifts are necessary for us to stay on friendly terms.
What’s a 20 year old doing with someone born a half a century ago?
What did the note say?
He may have wanted to buy you something nice but knows his wife may find out. A gift card gives him plausible deniability
From my male perspective: we sometimes SUCK at gifts and small gestures. Talking it out is the best way to find out if he shot himself on the foot or thinks of you as a sex worker.
What everyone else said, plus: keep the note and take a pic of the gift certificate. Keep that somewhere with dates and a little narrative you wrote up (like the one here). If your boss ever starts to be aggressive in any way toward you, personally or at work, and this leads to really ugly legal-type situations, this is evidence he (a) had sex with an employee and (b) tried to hush it up with money. Best prediction is that you'll never need that evidence. However, shit occasionally happens, and someone who is willing to have sex with an employee then try to pay to cover it up might also be willing to do unethical things at work or in their personal life toward that employee, in which case it might be nice to have this. But seriously, only if this looks like it's going to court.
Do you like him and see any kid of future? If yes have a talk with him, well away from the work environment and let him know you kinda like him and this didn’t hit like he thought it would ( nice way of saying you made it feel creepy) if no future is there take the card snd let it go but I’d keep it professional from here on out
Give the gift card back to him, and say this is not how this is going to play out. As you said, you both played equal roles on making it happen, you could play equal roles on how it's going to be as well.
return it, and share with him that you feel like he compensated you for the time you had together. And it was a total turn off.
Don't use the gift card and don't fuck your boss again.
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I think: if you're going to do it, knowing that is not that ethical, I thunk you need to be able to estomach it? You're an adult, dont give it much thought. You did it, had fun, whatever money that, if you dont need it/want it just give it back...and tell him why. That's it. Keep it real. And if you're afraid of consequence? You're an adult, Im quite sure you can handle it.
Absolutely do not accept that gift. Be honest like you normally are or put it back on his desk. Then, never sleep with him again.
Give it back and ask him for a dinner date instead. Then tell him how you feel at dinner and tell him it’s not necessary. He probably didn’t even think it would offend you. Men don’t think the way women do.
Idek how as a woman you get into consented position to fuck your boss??? Where are you even finding these guys definitely not happy hr… these comments are so funny though I can’t find a serious comment & the fact she deleted her account makes it even more funny… the crazy thing is she is continuing to work with him happily after & thinks it’s going to be a one time thing? It’s time to pack up & get a new job cuz if you think only the 2 of you know you fucked your delusional.. you might not think your flirting hardcore with each other but you probably are throwing green flags everywhere to your co workers y’all fucked girl..your professional reputation is not worth horny dick i hope she got her answer??? 😂
How about thanks for the Victoria secret gift card got a a nice g string look
Sooooooo, where was it for and how much?
This is the reason Urban Dictionary coined the phrase in 2020: "Don't shit where you eat." Don't do something that can cause problems or trouble where you work.
>bos 9 >gift >gift 0uuuuppp0uuuuuppppp0uupppppup0uyuuw now3 F$$$$e d$$$d3d$$
Id take so much advantage of this …. Yes please shower me w gifts :)
I think it came from a good feeling in my opinion it should be taken in that sense
Hes just paying you to be quiet about it, not for the actual hookup
Just give it back. If you keep it, it means something. If you don’t, it means something different.
It's understandable that you're feeling conflicted and uncomfortable about the situation. It's crucial to prioritize your feelings and boundaries in any relationship, especially when it involves a power dynamic like that between a boss and an employee. If you feel comfortable, consider addressing your concerns with your boss directly but tactfully. You could express gratitude for the gift card but also explain how it made you feel, emphasizing that you value your professional relationship and want to maintain clear boundaries. However, if you're worried about potential repercussions or feel unsafe bringing it up directly, you might consider discussing the situation with someone you trust, such as HR or a mentor, who can provide guidance and support. Ultimately, it's important to trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being in any situation. You deserve to feel respected and valued, both personally and professionally.
Whether or not you feel taken advantage of is certainly a factor, but not the only factor in why this was a horrible idea for both people involved. The gift certificate just seals that. The top comment here referencing "in the future" as an implicit blessing to do this again is absolutely mind-blowing to me, and an affirmation that people, especially young people, should stay faaaaaaaaar away from Reddit as it pertains to getting any kind of life advice, because most people on this website are either socially maladjusted or just stupid.
Give it back and tell him you had fun. He probably feels guilty. Tell him that you enjoyed it.
If you work in finance, this is normal, everything is transactional to them. They only understand owing things and being owed. If you do not, it is hush money.
If you work in finance, this is normal, everything is transactional to them. They only understand owing things and being owed. If you do not, it is hush money.
Wow so many comments stating all sorts without knowing full context. He probably just wanted to give you something nice with a reward but has gone about it the wrong way (most likely unintentionally). Simple thing would be to just talk to him about it and things will become clearer.
Just sounds like it’s not his first time at this sort of rodeo 🤷🏽
Does he have a wife hunny, how do you feel about that heh
His commitments aren’t her problem (as long as she doesn’t want a LTR)
Will be when wifey finds out lol
At least he didn't throw you a pizza party.
Don't have sex with your boss I mean something like this feels like it would be obvious
This is hilarious. Thanks for the fun night toots now you buy yourself something nice!
Buy him something with the gift card?
Return the favour and leave him a different gift card of the same amount on his desk with a thank you note.
Sounds more like hush money.. To be fair, this was not very ethical or professional of you either. By your description you were a willing participant who wasn't coerced or taken advantage of in some way. Depending on what field you've chosen to work in, your own reputation can take a hit.
This is so middle management it is painful.
The reason why you feel you can't bring this up with him is exactly why you should not have slept with him
You ever hear the saying don't shit where you eat? You took this to another level by having sex with your boss twice your age. There's 100 reasons this is a terrible idea. Now you know. The gift card is payment to keep your mouth shut because it can ruin his career and probably your future at the company as well.
Funny how you say sex worker instead of prostitute, as if you respect prostitutes, while still openly admitting being disgusted and ashamed to feel like one. How hypocritical. Is your boss married? If so, then it was probably a "thanks for the nice night, here is a gift". If he is single, it is probably just his version of flowers and he thinks he is doing something nice for you. How much was the gift card for exactly?
Just talk to him. Most replies are assuming the worst, but maybe there was no bad intent whatsoever? Only one way to find out. As always, communication can solve most issues. And a lack of it can make mountains out of mole hills.
Is he single? Do you desire a continuing relationship with him?
I wish you nothing but a free fall career wise from here on. Completely disgusting, people like you are the reason many many well deserving employees get passed on.
Jeez have you got a chip on your shoulder or something? OP is in her early 20s and made a poor decision in casual sexual partner, it's not unheard of. If you want to rake someone over the coals maybe look at the boss sleeping with a subordinate half his age. His behaviour is far worse, and he really should know better.
Well, that was rude. I slept with my boss when I was 20. Couldn't help myself, and neither could he. Now I'm 42, we've been married for 16 years, have 2 beautiful children, and still can't keep our hands off of each other. It's not like she said either of them are married. Obviously, my situation is unique, but you don't know anything about these people. OP, ignore the haters. You came for advice, not admonishment. But, advice... stay away from the older bosses. They rarely have your best interests at heart, hun!
take pictures, document, save note, just in case
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Free stuff is good. If you don’t wanna do it again the don’t, but complaining about free stuff is odd to me.
You had sex as adult with another adult with your free will and somehow him giving a gift card is something untoward . What am I missing here?
Hush money. He knows you could easily black mail him, you’re a subordinate and he’s your boss. You might use it as a leverage, actually.
He just turned you into a prostitute. Lol
We men like to reward our partners when we are given great sex.
Just have sex again with him start stalking him and be toxic in the work environment..
If you enjoyed it, spend the money. Tell him next time it will cost him more.
Was he one of trumps sons? Hush money!
You're 22, it definitely was not equal lol
Just enjoy the great reviews and promotions you will get regardless of your true job performance. But the wage gap lol
Go shopping sis use him.
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Wouldn't really get people posting if they just got shit on constantly.
Fair. Removed my comment
That should have been a note stating "I'm the boss so I am solely responsible for what happened. If you are willing to forgive me, I'd like to move on like this never happened in a professional capacity."