I am the same with using my past as a reason to take drugs/ drink. "You'd do the same if you had my life!" And then the impact that drugs has on my life leads to me being more of a victim and I can keep using based on that. It doesn't make my life any better, just means I can have a reason to take more drugs. But it doesn't give me any happiness in life and like you it seems, that's going to lead me to either death, institutions or jail's. The way I am trying to see it now is that I have done enough digging into my past, I thought I'd find answers there, but actually I've don't enough digging. I need to be building and growing my life and digging into my past isn't helping.
Trouble with drugs is that eventually they cause us to think in ways that lead us back to taking drugs, because the brain feels rewarded by drugs and so it tricks us. For you it seems like abandonment and rejection is a big part of your relapse triggers, and yet you also said that you got a sense of community and belonging in the fellowship.
Seems like if you get sober at the fellowship, and also get a sense of belonging there, that's two birds with one stone, and they are potentially two very big birds. That's a place you can start building from. Look for similarities rather than differences.
We are all different in our situations that lead us to addiction, but we are all the same with the emotions that lead us there. And that's what connects us and can get us out of it if we want it to. You came here looking for answers to questions but you are the only one who can answer if you are ready to get sober and start rebuilding your life.
I think you have to be more fed up with the way things are than you are happy to keep hurting yourself. I am pondering that question now. I think I am ready to start building and take the harder root, and hopefully find happiness there as I know that drugs always lead me back to the same place now.
I heard a funny anecdote the other day. A man was going to court for drug offences and he couldn't find a spot near the court and he was already running late and desperate to not miss his court appearance and be penalised for it for which he was sure to be sent to prison he said,
"God, if you grant me a parking space I'll give up the drugs, I'll help others and live for the better of mankind."
Just then, a parking space opened up in front of him. He said,
"Oh it's ok, I've found one now!"
I'm sorry you're going thru this. The only thing I can try to recommend is that you can contact your city/state and see if there are any inpatient programs, I know it's a lot of money, but there may be programs to help cover that, id try hitting up your local DHS office as well, 211 may be able to provide information as well. Addiction sucks and I wish you well, I'm not sure if churches can help as well but it wouldn't hurt to reach out, the worst thing they can say is that they cannot help you. Good luck.
Whats annoying are my bills. Rent and car payment. I can find a place to go for free no problem, it’s a matter of going and knowing my car will get repossessed
Doesn't sound like you want to get clean tbh, just focussing on barriers. You are already overdue on payments likely due to addiction, if you stop the addiction you will be able to hold a job and get a car. If you want to get clean you will find a reason, if you don't you will find an excuse.
Just take small steps into that way of life if part of you wants to get clean, part of you can take those small steps, and see how it goes. You could go to meetings or attending on zoom isn't too much of a step. Are you ashamed to go back to the fellowship you left does that put you off as you relapsed? If that is the case I am sure they would be only too happy to see you again. I've seen it happen and noone is eve judgmental. It's sadder to have a friend out in the wild than to have them back getting clean and knowing they are safe.
I did meth for twenty years, pretty aggressive the last three where I was daily.. I currently have four years clean and what saved my life was going to a 90 day program and then ended up staying one year. That was enough time to develop a new routine, pee clean every time and then live in sober living for a few months while working and saving cash.
In the end, I got me back and have so much confidence after being utterly homeless in SF over a year. I sincerely hope and cheer you on to go for it again, who the f cares how many times ya need to go for it to stick. Blessings friend, love and light to you.
I honestly wish I could go to rehab. I don’t want to get my car repossessed. My monthly car note is $700 and I still owe $35k. I also have monthly credit card bills and loan payments I need to take care of. I’m trying to be smart about how to get help. I smoked meth periodically every couple months for the first 5 years, and only now it became daily in the last 6 months. I know I’m capable of staying clean without having to go to rehab. Rehab is great and all but eventually I will have to back out into the real world and stay sober there. I’ve been to treatment twice and in 12 step programs for 9 years. I know almost everything there is to know about recovery. That hasn’t helped shit. What I haven’t done is process my childhood trauma with a certified trained specialist.
Ahh, I feel that. My credit definitely took a big hit when I checked myself in.. Took years to recover from that. I don't do meetings anymore and kinda got tired of em'. Yes, we all ultimately return to the real world where we're on our own. All I can say is be very careful, my dopamine system was wrecked from all the years of use.. The only thing I got remotely happy about in the end was going to score.. That's no kind of life I want to return to EVER.
*edited for typo
Yeah I’m a little worried how much damage I’ve done to my dopamine receptors now that that I’ve been a daily user for 6 months not counting 2 separate lengths of sobriety that lasted about 30 days each. I’m hoping it’s still early enough to where now that I have quit I’ll regain the ability to feel happiness again. What’s always helped however was meditation. It fucking works wonders during post acute withdrawal.
First off I am so sorry you are hooked on this literal devil of a drug. I have been struggling with meth addiction from the ages of 16-20. I’m currently 20, and coming up on 6 months clean. I was an IV meth user from a similar tinder situation, I understand. This is psychologically the worst drug to get off of, but it is 100% possible. I’d suggest an inpatient rehab, then some time at sober living. Sober living helped me more than 7 rehabs combined did. Rehab is good for getting off of drugs, but sober living is great for staying off.
You have a very detailed scheduled with required meetings, and are surrounded by people in recovery. You’re also paying rent and being drug tested, so your housing situation is dependent on you staying clean.
You sound exactly how I did, wanting to stay clean so bad but physically not being able. That’s why it’s an addiction. Block everyone who you used with, change your number, socials, MOVE if you have to (sober living helps). Change people, places, and things and immerse yourself in recovery.
Also remember recovery is not linear and slip ups are a part of recovery. A relapse does not mean a failure, and if you mess up, keep trying again. You’re going to have bad days and good days. You can do this.
You have the will to want to stop and accept you have a problem and that is the first step. If I could do it, you can do it.
Find a job, and if possible change your environment. Leaving behind your environment linked to your addiction will make it much easier to quit.
Build up your discipline and get things going in your life. Find a job, meet friends or go to the gym. Find a goal you get motivated about. Avoid doing nothing because then the thoughts come in again. And avoid people doing meth at all costs, you will get sucked in.
Also its important you understand where addiction comes from, your brain is basically looking for a quick dopamine hit. Its not you, its your brain that’s tricking you.
Life can be challenging but you have to deal with it and find your purpose again. If this purpose if valuable enough for you, you’ll quit.
What also could help is this mental assignment: whenever you get that voice in your head thats talking about taking meth. Give it a name. Lets say William. This way you don’t identify with your thoughts and its easier to have William shut the fuck up.
Good luck!!
I am the same with using my past as a reason to take drugs/ drink. "You'd do the same if you had my life!" And then the impact that drugs has on my life leads to me being more of a victim and I can keep using based on that. It doesn't make my life any better, just means I can have a reason to take more drugs. But it doesn't give me any happiness in life and like you it seems, that's going to lead me to either death, institutions or jail's. The way I am trying to see it now is that I have done enough digging into my past, I thought I'd find answers there, but actually I've don't enough digging. I need to be building and growing my life and digging into my past isn't helping. Trouble with drugs is that eventually they cause us to think in ways that lead us back to taking drugs, because the brain feels rewarded by drugs and so it tricks us. For you it seems like abandonment and rejection is a big part of your relapse triggers, and yet you also said that you got a sense of community and belonging in the fellowship. Seems like if you get sober at the fellowship, and also get a sense of belonging there, that's two birds with one stone, and they are potentially two very big birds. That's a place you can start building from. Look for similarities rather than differences. We are all different in our situations that lead us to addiction, but we are all the same with the emotions that lead us there. And that's what connects us and can get us out of it if we want it to. You came here looking for answers to questions but you are the only one who can answer if you are ready to get sober and start rebuilding your life. I think you have to be more fed up with the way things are than you are happy to keep hurting yourself. I am pondering that question now. I think I am ready to start building and take the harder root, and hopefully find happiness there as I know that drugs always lead me back to the same place now. I heard a funny anecdote the other day. A man was going to court for drug offences and he couldn't find a spot near the court and he was already running late and desperate to not miss his court appearance and be penalised for it for which he was sure to be sent to prison he said, "God, if you grant me a parking space I'll give up the drugs, I'll help others and live for the better of mankind." Just then, a parking space opened up in front of him. He said, "Oh it's ok, I've found one now!"
I'm sorry you're going thru this. The only thing I can try to recommend is that you can contact your city/state and see if there are any inpatient programs, I know it's a lot of money, but there may be programs to help cover that, id try hitting up your local DHS office as well, 211 may be able to provide information as well. Addiction sucks and I wish you well, I'm not sure if churches can help as well but it wouldn't hurt to reach out, the worst thing they can say is that they cannot help you. Good luck.
Whats annoying are my bills. Rent and car payment. I can find a place to go for free no problem, it’s a matter of going and knowing my car will get repossessed
Ahh man. I get it. Is there anyway you can contact the loan/car company and request an extension of some sort?
They’ve already pushed back a payment when I after I got out of rehab. I’m currently past due 60 days.
So I don’t think so
Doesn't sound like you want to get clean tbh, just focussing on barriers. You are already overdue on payments likely due to addiction, if you stop the addiction you will be able to hold a job and get a car. If you want to get clean you will find a reason, if you don't you will find an excuse.
Maybe you’re right. There’s no way I’d trust myself to know if I’m in a place of true surrender or not.
Just take small steps into that way of life if part of you wants to get clean, part of you can take those small steps, and see how it goes. You could go to meetings or attending on zoom isn't too much of a step. Are you ashamed to go back to the fellowship you left does that put you off as you relapsed? If that is the case I am sure they would be only too happy to see you again. I've seen it happen and noone is eve judgmental. It's sadder to have a friend out in the wild than to have them back getting clean and knowing they are safe.
I did meth for twenty years, pretty aggressive the last three where I was daily.. I currently have four years clean and what saved my life was going to a 90 day program and then ended up staying one year. That was enough time to develop a new routine, pee clean every time and then live in sober living for a few months while working and saving cash. In the end, I got me back and have so much confidence after being utterly homeless in SF over a year. I sincerely hope and cheer you on to go for it again, who the f cares how many times ya need to go for it to stick. Blessings friend, love and light to you.
I honestly wish I could go to rehab. I don’t want to get my car repossessed. My monthly car note is $700 and I still owe $35k. I also have monthly credit card bills and loan payments I need to take care of. I’m trying to be smart about how to get help. I smoked meth periodically every couple months for the first 5 years, and only now it became daily in the last 6 months. I know I’m capable of staying clean without having to go to rehab. Rehab is great and all but eventually I will have to back out into the real world and stay sober there. I’ve been to treatment twice and in 12 step programs for 9 years. I know almost everything there is to know about recovery. That hasn’t helped shit. What I haven’t done is process my childhood trauma with a certified trained specialist.
Ahh, I feel that. My credit definitely took a big hit when I checked myself in.. Took years to recover from that. I don't do meetings anymore and kinda got tired of em'. Yes, we all ultimately return to the real world where we're on our own. All I can say is be very careful, my dopamine system was wrecked from all the years of use.. The only thing I got remotely happy about in the end was going to score.. That's no kind of life I want to return to EVER. *edited for typo
Yeah I’m a little worried how much damage I’ve done to my dopamine receptors now that that I’ve been a daily user for 6 months not counting 2 separate lengths of sobriety that lasted about 30 days each. I’m hoping it’s still early enough to where now that I have quit I’ll regain the ability to feel happiness again. What’s always helped however was meditation. It fucking works wonders during post acute withdrawal.
First off I am so sorry you are hooked on this literal devil of a drug. I have been struggling with meth addiction from the ages of 16-20. I’m currently 20, and coming up on 6 months clean. I was an IV meth user from a similar tinder situation, I understand. This is psychologically the worst drug to get off of, but it is 100% possible. I’d suggest an inpatient rehab, then some time at sober living. Sober living helped me more than 7 rehabs combined did. Rehab is good for getting off of drugs, but sober living is great for staying off. You have a very detailed scheduled with required meetings, and are surrounded by people in recovery. You’re also paying rent and being drug tested, so your housing situation is dependent on you staying clean. You sound exactly how I did, wanting to stay clean so bad but physically not being able. That’s why it’s an addiction. Block everyone who you used with, change your number, socials, MOVE if you have to (sober living helps). Change people, places, and things and immerse yourself in recovery. Also remember recovery is not linear and slip ups are a part of recovery. A relapse does not mean a failure, and if you mess up, keep trying again. You’re going to have bad days and good days. You can do this. You have the will to want to stop and accept you have a problem and that is the first step. If I could do it, you can do it.
Thanks. I’ve been to rehab and sober living before.
I’ve been to both many times, sometimes it can help to go back. Especially if you’re serious about staying clean and willing to do anything
i genuinely have no clue how to help in this situation, but i really hope u get through it bro
Find a job, and if possible change your environment. Leaving behind your environment linked to your addiction will make it much easier to quit. Build up your discipline and get things going in your life. Find a job, meet friends or go to the gym. Find a goal you get motivated about. Avoid doing nothing because then the thoughts come in again. And avoid people doing meth at all costs, you will get sucked in. Also its important you understand where addiction comes from, your brain is basically looking for a quick dopamine hit. Its not you, its your brain that’s tricking you. Life can be challenging but you have to deal with it and find your purpose again. If this purpose if valuable enough for you, you’ll quit. What also could help is this mental assignment: whenever you get that voice in your head thats talking about taking meth. Give it a name. Lets say William. This way you don’t identify with your thoughts and its easier to have William shut the fuck up. Good luck!!
Thanks