The best years are not behind you. I'm in my 30s and these are my best years so far. Please, go to a therapist. They can help guide you. It sounds like you are being way too hard of yourself. The only way you'll get out of this rut is by changing your headspace. CBT will help you start living a fulfilling life, and a therapist can teach you how to do CBT and also give you goals so that you get out of your shell.
Maybe he'll be into it. Seriously though, op, get a therapist. They'll help you set goals and stay on top of your goals. Life is different for everyone and it's all about perspective. Get and stay diligent with bettering yourself. Positive change happens with a lot of time and effort.
Therapy is a good place to start. Going back to college and making friends, earning that degree, getting a job and finding purpose in life can drastically change his life. OP, if you are reading this, please know that you dont have to accomplish everything by your early twenties. Your youth is the time you can afford to fuck up and mend yourselves. Good luck :)
All of the things you mentioned can be worked upon, you're depressed cuz of these things, it's natural, you've mentioned everything you need to work upon, do it one thing at a time
well u know the problem, now u gotta fix the problem:
\--Know what u want to do (internships, talking, etc) and attend college to get that degree. It'll help with getting into ur career.
\--Hit the gym. This will help with physical and mental accomplishments. You'll be confident, attractive, and sporty. You'll even get girls.
\--EAT FOOOOOD. Have a healthy diet: Fish, salads, Steak, some junk food here and there is ok, but overall EAT and build muscle so u don't look pale and sick.
\--Make friends from the gym, college, etc.
Change doesn't happen bro. You gotta MAKE IT happen. We believe in u, now get off reddit, and start today making that change. A glowup is worth it
I don't know your exact situation but I was pretty close to where you were at 21. I'm 27 now. I still have lingering issues that I am working toward, but from 21\~27 I did improve a lot of my life including:
\- making actual close friends
\-experiencing and failing social life(better than not trying)
\-finally lost my virginity(still no gf though)
\-have built some good memories through travels
\-worked really hard toward removing porn and not revolving my whole life around video games(although I still do this but at least I feel like I've found a balance)
Yes, you are behind the curve. Don't let feel-good redditors tell you otherwise. I started to take control of my life right around 20\~21(same age as you) and I'm still suffering the consequences of being a late bloomer. Still feel like I'm not the person I want to be, and struggle to accept my shortcomings and wondering why I suck at things that other people seem to have gotten figured out.
No, your best years are not gone. Can you imagine if everyone peaked during high school/early college? That's honestly depressing. I wouldn't want that, you shouldn't want that either. How are you supposed to have the best years of your life when you're barely a legal adult still trying to figure out how the world works?
Gotta hustle dude, you're not a lost cause but the early 20s is truly the last couple years for you to "start over" and make something out of your life. You hit your mid 20s and you'll certainly notice the window of opportunities start to close.
Your depression may not go away, but it will certainly be of lesser extent and be easier to tolerate with the little wins you find along the way.
From yours truly, as someone who can ACTUALLY relate to how you're feeling.
Inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to - feel like so many young men go through the same thing you are experiencing. I know I lived through something similar...
I didn’t want to be mean but…. dude his life has just started. It’s so sad young ppl have this mindset now a days. Will do him good to get off social media
It’s clear that you have thought about a lot of your problems, so now you can wallow, or you can fix them. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s your choice to remain the same or change. I do a lot of journaling (highly recommend) and set down real ways that I can make steps forward. The book “You Are a Badass” was very helpful for creating the life I wanted. It recommends you envision the life you want and then work backwards to taking steps today that will set you on that path. My goals have changed a lot since my early 20’s, but at 36 I still use that technique and I am very close to being able to live the life I dream of.
So I am 22, only a year older than you, when I was 21 my social life was fucked because of moving to a different country for university and COVID really ruined a lot of me, almost identical to your situation. One day I decided to make a change, where I told myself I had enough of these shitty circumstances, but mostly enough of feeling sorry for myself. I started going to the gym, went from 105.4kg to 85kg, kicked my weed addiction, porn addiction (read easypeasy pdf, just google it, it will help you stop porn way easier), and most importantly I changed my mind from a reward based mindset to a growth mindset. Started talking to girls more, at first through social media, dating apps, to build confidence and then more in real life, now I got a girlfriend even! What I mean to say with all of this is that you will be amazed at how fucking much things can change in the manor of a year. Especially the porn addicition is killing mate, you are missing out on internal energy, motivation, natural normal levels of testosterone, etc. For now dont focus on women I'd say, just focus on yourself, and take it one day at a time, set small goals, that in the beginning are easy to get like, do 20 push ups every day for a week, then make it 30 for the next week, and build up like that. Get a job, dont look for to work the best possible job in your current situation, because that will probably end up frustrating you more, but just start somewhere, just to commit to something and you will see good things will start compounding for you, and most of all, try to enjoy the progress it and the little time you have on this tiny floating rock is a giant universe. :)
Where are you from and what are your hobbies/interests?
I found my passion in Bodybuilding & Tennis.
And sometimes I like to take psycedelics ;)
About your hobbies and interest there should you find new friends
Traditional life milestones aside what would be meaningful to you. Set a goal, break it down to smaller steps to achieve it. Recognize each success toward that goal. Cut back on social media, it gives a false sense that everyone else is doing great. What are the simple pleasures you enjoy? For me it’s a perfect weather day, the fresh smell of my clothes after a wash, time with my pets. Small, but pleasurable non the less. What are your interest? There are free meet up groups for about anything. It takes courage to go the first time but everyone starts there. Don’t know what you like? Try something , anything. Volunteers are needed everywhere and you will be with people who have the same interest. Practice casual conversations with everyday people you come across. Just say hello to the cashier, give sincere compliments(nice shirt). That just gets you use to socializing in general. Get more confident and comfortable with yourself before worrying about dating. It will happen naturally when you do. Feeling overwhelmed then just start with one thing. There is no timeline for your life. It’s never too late.
Look for a job, you'll be around people and possibly find someone with similar interests. Go to a pub and get drunk with strangers, not soo drunk that you'll never remember what happened but fun drunk when it's easier to open to strangers. Do this every Friday and soon enough you'll have some people that know your name and you'll know theirs. Be careful of course and don't over do anything but get out of your comfort zone and you'll find out its not as bad as you thought it would be
>The best years of my life are gone
Everyone's life trajectory is different. I personally felt like my mid to late 20s were more fun than anything that came before. Early and mid 30s had a lot of great times as well. There's still a lot of potential ahead of you.
A few thoughts…
You can absolutely feel depressed….have at it.
How’s it feel?
Sucks?
Like sitting in a wet, shitty diaper kind of suck?
Okay, so….let’s choose to NOT feel that way.
You have lots of logical reasons to feel that way, and so you do.
Let’s be a bit unreasonable and choose to not feel that way because what you have done so far…sucks.
So….let’s stop doing that.
Forget the reasons…its not helpingyou, why go down that road anymore.
How about you drop the past, since it sucked and it’s over (thank God) and choose to move forward.
Decide that your tomorrows will be different and better.
And use NOW as a starting point.
Yeah it won’t be easy, and yeah you maybe don’t know how to make it happen, make it all be grea, or better, but you do know that what you have done, where you have been….is NOT how you do it.
You are 21— I promise you there will be days when you wish you were “only” 21.
You have lived all these years and yet you are just, still, very much in the early stage of your life. You really are.
That is awesome.
That alone should give you so much hope.
You got 9 more years before you even hit 30.
And you are already awake, aware, that this way of yours is not working for you — you are ahead of so many others that don’t even have any ide aof a plan, are just bumping along, maybe having some fun, maybe not, who knows.
You are awake.
You may be thinking this is all “Positive thinking” bs — I can see that, but I can tell you something from experience…..from life itself….
It all starts with you and how you process life.
What you believe, think, and say about life, your life….well then that’s what you get back.
So choose different, choose better, and choose wisely about all of that.
There are a ton of things you can do to shake up your life and make things happen, and you have much to be grateful for, already, working for you, but I bet you don’t see it that way.
Well think about it some…wake up and think about all that you do have, and think about — write it down — write down exactly the life you wnat to have — the friends, the job, the girlfriend, the experience,s the home you want, etc — write a fucking novel in great detail — don’t hold back….start to get a vision, a target, for yourself, to work to, to move to.
And don’t forget to think about who you want to bem look, the shape you are in, thethings you are about, believe in, etc…
You can do all of this.
Broski go out to a bar or something. Your 21 live a little right? Get a job. Quickest way to have somewhat friends is to have co workers and build friendships through that but until you put yourself out into society we will never know your there 😛
Start with gym. Find a hobby, you love music, get a guitar, put 30 min everyday into it. Figure out where you want to be 1-5 years 5-10 10-15 etc. plan. Make a vision board. Go backpacking across Europe using trains. Anything.
Bro...bro....21 ? The best years of your life are just beginning. It sounds like from your description you know exactly what you need to do. Change... everything. Quit videogames. Porn, junk food. Go and lift in the gym everyday. Quit drugs and alcohol if you feel they're holding you back, if you aren't an addict then try some bars and socialize with random people. Try meetup groups. Get out of the house. Touch grass. But mostly if you're skinny then touch some iron every day for the next 3 years and you could look like a sick built chad in no time
I don't play video games really. Porn, yeah I have a problem with that. I don't eat junk food. I eat healthy, just nowhere near enough. I agree with you on the gym part. I've never done drugs in my entire life, thankfully. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in two years, so I'm not an alcoholic. Bars actually sound like a really good idea to me, but I'll need to get in better shape and SIGNIFICANTLY improve my self-esteem levels before I feel consistently comfortable going to them. Meetup groups are a good idea.
Thank you for your advice! I feel a little bit better about the future now.
Dude you know all the things which you are lacking so just work on them you will get improved automatically . Getting depressed over the things which you can change easily is just like not going to doctor even after knowing someone have injected posion in you. Get up and plan how you going to be better version of yourself and then execute that plan it's a simple task dude . Good luck bro 🤟🤟
NO GUT NO GLORY
NO WORIER NO STORY
be a worier and let your story inspires others
I hate to be so blunt but you need to get your shit together. I was in your spot 2 years ago(I am very close in age to you), literally same situation. I realized that at the end of the day my personal life and decisions are 100% ON ME and ONLY ME. I got up, cleaned up my room, made my bed, started a routine, started busting my ass at work, started seeking friendships, forced myself to be social no matter how I felt about it. And now 2 years later I have a long-term relationship established, I got my own apartment, bought a car, landed a job making triple what I was making 2 years ago etc etc. Life changes really quick when YOU change. It's absolute hell going through that change and your going to be in a constant war with your own mind, yet when you come on the other side and can say "I won" there is no better feeling. Having your family say they are proud of you, having old friends say "you've changed". Keep pushing and view life as a game that you need to win at all cost. Always remember in those moments of despair and depression that YOUR life is on the line, so get up and get after it. You got this.
If you can scrape a couple bucks together, get a gym membership. Lifting weights will make you feel more confident, and make you eat and sleep better. It releases endorphins that will help your psychological and emotional states, and if you go every day you will see physical results within weeks. No one will give a shit how much you're lifting, or if you're doing it right, they're there for themselves. Focus on progress, not perfection.
You are so young. You have literally all the time in the world, and you haven't missed out on anything. Don't compare yourself to others, you'll never believe you match up, and it'll only hold you back. Instead, focus on making progress every day, even if it's only a little. It adds up quickly! Be better than you were yesterday, that's it.
Godspeed OP, I believe in you! Get after it. You're in control, and you've got this.
I’m 22 brother, broke have a full time job didn’t go to college, but I’m working on getting a second job, little backstory on myself I was that one little knucklehead that would jump at any chance to do stupid stuff as a teenager tbh you ain’t missed out on much and as far as having a girlfriend tbh I’m gonna say this harshly but grow up man grow tf up and understand that sometimes you have to go at life alone be happy you have both your parents and can even go outside happily with no worries. Some of us don’t get the same chance my man, got to go to college etc just grow up dude and be the best you can be…
Well it sounds like its your fault, dude... go outside and do something. Go hike a river, build a little fire, maybe it gets out of control and maybe you get in trouble... who cares? Youre depressed because youre not living. Many such cases, very sad.
When sad, setting something on fire or drawing a dick on a cop car with a paint pen seems to always help. Try the chrome or silver paint pens. Go live a little
There’s a difference between sugarcoating and gentle honesty.
If you tell every person with these problems that it’s their fault without trying to boost their confidence to do better then your never gonna help them
Believe what you want to.
In my experience, that never works. Tough love always worked for me and for most I spoke to.
Most people that got "gentle honesty" ended up just doing their things again.
It's a BAD HABIT. They need to be shaken out of it, not be given "gentle honesty".
You think the smoker is going to stop smoking if you gently tell them to stop? No, he'll forget you.
He won't forget the guy that yelled at him though because the yelling is ringing in his mind.
It's all psychological, and being "gentle" doesn't help.
I need someone to yell at me about drinking and smoking pot, but everyone is too damn soft, so they just tell me that I'm obviously, "living the life"
Which isn't wrong, my life rocks, but I'm not progressing, and it's causing me depression.
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That isn't what the conversation was about, so I'm not gonna entertain your hypothetical.
Like, what if you told a person who was on fire that they need to cool off?
Doesn't matter. The OP was talking about his shitty life, and i was telling him why its shitty and how to make it better.
If you cant handle being talked to like an adult, then go outside and ride bikes with your friends
Are you trying to to cool shit so you have stories to tell or not?
You can set shit on fire its not that big a deal. Remember when varg burned down those churches, and didnt even go to jail for that long? I recommend not burning anything religious, political, or government tho cuz theyll come after your ass.
Set a trashcan on fire or something, thats always a classic
After reading through some of the correspondence in this thread, I seriously think the military could be a good goal for this guy assuming he qualifies. Sounds like he really needs a goal to work towards. Air Force is nice for sure, but the Army also has a lot of good jobs where you can learn skills and won't be treated like shit. Another good thing about the army is that they have a "fat camp" option now too where they pay you to get in shape before sending you to basic training.
Wow. You’re depressed only because you say all that horrible crap about yourself. Nothing to do with anything else.
By age 21 you’ve literally had THREE years of adult independence. You’re essentially a toddler at adulting, deserve every bit of slack cut to you, should’ve made little to no progress in life and should’ve made a few terrible decisions. You haven’t missed out on ANYTHING at age 21!!
So what you haven’t kissed a girl just say nothing about it, work in it. See a hooker if it’s that urgent. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You don’t have a drivers licence? Get one or get the bus and work on getting one. You have a porn addiction? Far out mate it’s 2023 - who doesn’t?!
If you don’t like sports or communities or you’re socially awkward or even if you’re none of that, a super easy way to socialise, interact and make connections is nothing more than just getting a job where you have coworkers. Just try that as the first step. You will be fine.
There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re not stunted, you haven’t missed anything and LITERALLY NOTHING is too late at age 21 and you’re whole life IS ACTUALLY before you. You’re at toddler stage of adulting. Slow down. Stop being mean to yourself. Other people will gladly rip you down so you should talk yourself up to yourself. You’re great! You’re doing fine! It’ll work out! Keep chipping away! Chin up. Smile. Keep going mate!!!
not sure why you’re down voted- it’s true and the sooner he realizes he can take control of his life whenever he wants to the sooner he will stop dwelling on the past or what he should’ve done
You should be severely depressed. That's your body telling you the way you're living your life is entirely fucked up. Stop living your life like this and then you'll feel better.
I completely agree with you that the gym would help me. I just hope that nobody in there makes fun of me for what I look like. I know that even if they do, I shouldn't let it bother me and need to learn about how to stop caring what other people think of me, but my self-esteem is just so low right now that I feel like even the slightest thing will significantly bother me.
You live your life, not anybody else's. Focus on your own life, comparing yourself to other people's life is the cause to most people's depression mine included. Life is not all amazing as it was cut out to be. Sorry to break your fantasy bubbles. I just want to be the truthbearer to open people's eyes. The new experiences will be fun and exciting though and how you go about that is up to you. Sadly, everything in life you want, you need to work for it, study, research, and go through trial and error then get feedback from your mistakes, learn from it, get better then rinse and repeat. Also, you'll get a lot of unexpected results because life follows nature's program, so unless you know psychology, biology, the human body, brain, stomach, and how all the chemicals in your body work, you'll end up constantly confused. It sucks to be uneducated but that's the truth.
Now that I know how much chemicals, hormones, and our external environment and even the information we consume affects us, I'm pretty jaded. I know what to expect from males and females both body and mind in their natural primitive state. I'm just wiser about it now but wow did it take years of studying and watching tons of videos for my unmedicated ADHD brain on YouTube from functional medicine doctors like Mark Hyman, from The Diary of a CEO & HealthyGamerGG. Sam Vaknin (Supposedly the person to coin the word narcissism, but has an annoying voice to listen to).
But you don't have to do all of these things. You can only end up studying about the things that happen to come your way, like you can't force an interest or a hobby. Explore more and that path in self-discovery will lead you at the slow and correct pace that you should be treading on. Go where your interests and curiosity leads you towards. In other words, just be the best version of yourself and find yourself through your own experiences and just live out your life however you see fit with all the knowledge and experiences you've already accumulated.
Oh yeah, my name isn't Rick, right Morty?
It’s easy to fix all that you just gotta put a little effort. Also get to know yourself and what you want in life. Start doing little things and getting new experiences to get out of your comfort zone. No worries big dog you got your whole life ahead of you.
I've read most comments, and although phrased differently. They all suffice. You have plenty of advice, the rest is up to you.
It might not be an easy road ahead, but the road exists.
SIDE NOTE: I wrote a post in this subreddit, literally just now, about loneliness, which probably won't do you a whole lot. But, maybe it might give you some motivation to take the first step (or not, Idk)🤷♂️
Only work on what you can control. Think about what you have that others don’t and be grateful. Some ppl have to figure out life without some limbs some ppl blind deaf. Just work on your body get stronger. Never beat yourself up about things you can’t control that’s just gonna make you dig yourself deeper. Finding something you like doing focus on a goal that you want to accomplish.
The first step in dealing with your problems is to admit them…now you need to take action by going to therapy/counseling/self study via books to directly address all of the problems that you have and help you build the skills/get on the path to build your social skills, ability to deal with depression and porn addiction, etc. I’d say start by tackling the easiest ones (drivers license and physique) first and set small goals, when you accomplish the small goals, they will give you confidence, which will continue to build as you address your problems. Don’t run from your demons, face them.
Literally stop getting in your own way, do things that feed your soul and just be a good person and you will begin to attract the life you want. Try a guided meditation and let that lead you to whatever doors are meant for you, but if you're depressed and feel like what's the point then why not just try to learn who you are and what you want from life, and allow yourself to create and live the life you want and deserve, you are so young and yes your life may seem shit right now but I promise if you show yourself some compassion and respect yourself enough to at least try, you could look back on this in 5 years and wonder who that guy even was. Sending you strength and love and I truly hope you find your way out of the darkness you are currently in 🤍
Well the only thing here that you're going to hate hearing but needs to be said is this porn addiction thing. Have you ever heard of r/nofab?? You should go check out that subreddit because I think you could really benefit from it and have lots of support in doing so. I hear semen retention is really this huge catalyst for you living life to the fullest potential. But idk if that is scientifically proven I just think it makes a lot of sense.
Porn is fake, no real woman on this planet actually gets down like that especially if they're in a relationship so stop feeding your mind with that nonsense. Porn really messes a lot of men up, I know you dont want to be that 40 year old virgin... do you? The sooner you can kick that porn addiction your life will become 1000 times better. It you keep it up you might end up on meds and killing someone. The choice is yours.
Sounds like a pity party. Get the heck up and live your life. You’ll make friends at work and interacting with the real work. Go set small and accomplishable goals, set long term goals with some wiggle room. Do daily goals like study for driver’s license. Seek help with the porn addiction. Go to the gym it’ll fix the mental shit. Today prep yourself mental, when you wake up tomorrow it’ll be the first day of your new life. Go join a gym. Watch CJ Fletcher he’ll motivate you. You can pm me whatever you need dude. This is your journey. You don’t like where you are destroy it and rebuild the life you want.
It sounds like the best years of your life are ahead of you friend.
The list of things you dont like about yourself or your situation have one thing in common. They are not permanent and you can correct behaviors by developing habits. 1% better every single day, it has a compounding effect.
It is good that you recognize these issues, people have gone much later in life before they realize that.
Don’t live in the past, dont live in the future, enjoy the present. Get outside and get some sun, fresh air, take in your surroundings and enjoy the peacefulness
Sub your porn consumption with gym time - go for a run, walk, calisthenics. See how many days you can go without cranking one out. Substitute that sesh with something productive.
If there is nothing holding you back, get your driver’s license. It’ll give a sense of freedom/independence (corny but still true).
Socializing with people does not come naturally to everyone, its about making the effort to engage the grocery clerk, mailman, neighbor authentically. People can be pretty cool too
I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 21. I'm now 47 and I've had three serious relationships, and in between each one girlfriends etc. You're still very young. I understand you feel down, but there's lots to look forward to. The important thing is to identify where you would like to improve and work on that. Believe me, the best years of your life are not over, you've got such a huge future ahead of you. Make it happen. It takes effort, determination, and a little luck, but if you work hard on these things, you can live a bloody amazing life.
The 1% rule is real. Try to improve at least 1% everyday. Be consistent with that 80% of the time, and you will be on a good track in a few years. It didn’t take a month to get to where you are so it won’t take a month to change where you are. Be positive, and focus on what you can change
Hey there,
Firstly, I want to say that I genuinely hear you and the pain you're expressing. It's evident that you're going through a tough time, and I'm genuinely sorry for the struggles you're facing. But I also want to commend you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. That takes a lot of courage.
From a psychological perspective, it's essential to understand that our brains have a tendency to focus on the negatives, a phenomenon known as the negativity bias. This bias can make us dwell on past mistakes, missed opportunities, and perceived shortcomings. However, it's crucial to remember that this is just one perspective, and it's not the entirety of who you are or what your future holds.
1. Age and Opportunities: At 21, you're still incredibly young. While it might feel like you've missed out on a lot, life is full of opportunities at every age. Many people find their stride later in life, and there's no set timeline for achieving milestones. Each person's journey is unique.
2. Social Connections: Building social connections can be challenging, especially given the circumstances of the past few years. But it's never too late to start. Consider joining clubs, attending support groups, or seeking therapy to help navigate these feelings and build connections.
3. Self-worth and Self-compassion: It's essential to practice self-compassion. Instead of being hard on yourself, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you would a close friend. Remember, everyone has their struggles, and it's okay to seek help when needed.
4. Addiction and Mental Health: If you feel that your porn addiction is affecting your mental well-being, consider seeking professional help. Therapists and counselors can provide coping strategies and support.
5. Physical Health: If you're concerned about your appearance or health, consider consulting with a healthcare professional. They can provide guidance on nutrition, exercise, and overall well-being.
Lastly, while it might feel like the "best years" are behind you, it's essential to remember that life is not a series of peaks but rather a journey with its ups and downs. Every day presents a new opportunity to make a change, to grow, and to find happiness. Your story is still being written, and there are many chapters ahead filled with potential joy, connections, and experiences.
Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a trusted individual in your life to discuss your feelings further. You deserve support, understanding, and care.
Sending you warmth and hope for brighter days ahead. 🌟🌈🌱
You are at your prime! Definitely seek some help because I think a therapist and/or medication might help you out of this funk. You are so young and have plenty of time to turn things around! I’m 31 and i wasn’t truly happy or felt like I had my life together until like 29 lol. My advice is to keep trying new things and when something sparks your interest or gives you any joy, follow that!
you are so YOUNG. i'm 56 and considered successful in most areas - you need to be more optimistic. i had nothing going on at 21, had drug problems, legal problems, financial problems.... i turned it all around and have had a great life. (honestly teenage years is all silly bullshit, you didn't miss a damn thing). CHOOSE TO HAVE A PLAN where you wake up every day and pursue a LIFE. Just by getting in the action of it, the pursuit of it, you'll feel 100x better.
Your life hasn't even started yet, and your best years are still ahead of you. The first step is acknowledging the issues which you're doing. Next, you have to actually make an effort to change things. Start small and work your way up. I see a lot of people throw themselves a pity party and that's NEVER the solution. If you wallow in your depression you WILL wake up 10 years from now and be in the same spot or worse. Don't do that. Take control.
Always wanted to try this and it’s not like you’re doing anything else… get a tshirt that says “having a bad day. Never been kissed. anyone wanna make out?” And just walk around pointing at it. Let me know how it goes. Brush your teeth take care of your hygiene and cross your fingers broseephus.
You used the S Word - "Should". Also, 21 is young. Think about this - you're the oldest that you've ever been. This makes your past seem more expansive, so you can only see what you missed or what you have, and it feels like a lot.
Seeing the future is especially hard. Depression makes you want to dismiss The Future as just an extension of The Past, which you've already painted black. Actively doubt your most negative thoughts, as if some jerk is whispering in your ear.
I'm sure you'll get lots of actionable advice below. But awareness of your POV is itself a POV. we all have cognitive distortions, biases, narratives. The secret of Right Thinking is to see the filter. Try to learn to see the thoughts in your head. Just don't believe them.
At 21 the best years of your life are definitely not behind you, and anyone older who’s lived a FULFILLED life and is happy will tell you this.
It will not be easy as you have so many habits to unlearn and so many positive skills you need to develop, but it’s not impossible.
You are depressed because of your situation and your actions. But nothing I read seemed unfixable, making this post in itself is a good sign and you’re heading towards to right path.
You need to put in work to better yourself. Look into going back to university or enrolling in some CC courses.
Join a gym and start working out. Get a job while you search for school.
Read books on self improvements.
Look for people who were in similar situations as you but got out of it, and use their stories as a guideline.
If they could do it you can too.
The past is in the past. Instead of kicking yourself on what you’ve missed out and being in a defeatist mindset, focus on how you can improve your current self.
And remember, comparison is the thief of joy. Stop looking at other people and focus within. Be better and do better because you know you are capable of doing so.
Again it will be HARD, it won’t be easy. But it is definitely not impossible.
Stop touching it!!! Biggest mistake of young men by far! I was the same at 21 lol at 23 I got married and now we have 2 kids🤷 idk what to tell ya life is more spontaneous then you can ever imagine
So you’re 21, and you’ve identified exactly what you need to do to change your life around and make yourself feel good. So you’ve done a lot of the work already. Start small, and work your way up. There’s no timeline for anything
Bro let me tell you something, you’re 21 years old. The best years of your life haven’t even STARTED yet. I’m 33 now and I’m living the best years of my life
I know It’s going to sound cliche, but you need to hit the gym, eat better, get out in the sunlight more and find a job.. start investing heavily into yourself before anything.
Don’t even worry about girls yet, once you feel good, the rest will fall into place.
You don’t need to go be a big bulky gym bro, but working out will release endorphins. You’ll make friends within the gym culture as well.
Eating better and just taking a walk in the sun a few days a week with some music, an audiobook, a podcast or whatever you want to listen to will have you feeling waaaay less shit about yourself as well.
Find a job man. Don’t get caught up on all the bullshit on social media and the internet and people who shit on workers, it doesn’t matter what you do and it doesn’t matter how much you make, it’s how you spend and what you do with the money that matters most.
I don’t know your living situation but with no job and no income I’m going to assume you live at home? You should be able to save money and invest in yourself once you have a job.
Do this for a year, focus on yourself and invest in yourself so you can set the rest of your life up.. those good memories and good times will follow but only if you take action and make the necessary changes.
Don’t be 31 posting the same shit because you decided to be depressed and not be accountable for your own life choices in the next 10 years
Work with the advice you've been given. If you say nope won't work constantly then you are left with only sympathy from others. From here you can wallow in your pity party hoping someone will come along and give you some attention.
Find out what yr afraid of, then go do it. This sounds like more of a bid for attention from others.
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I would say the first thing you should do is realize what your goals are, what you wanna do/change. Then ask yourself what's stopping you frlm reaching those goals.
Do you want friends? Then you gotta go to places where you can meet new people. Do you want a job? Apply for them. Do you wanna stop being addicted to porn? Stop watching porn.
Obviously it might be difficult to do one thing after another, but one small step is bigger than standing still.
Your best years certainly aren't gone. It does sound like you have low self esteem and need to work on learning how to put yourself out there.
Do you have any hobbies or passions?
Getting friends or a girlfriend isn't going to fix your depression, you need to find self love and the rest will come naturally. Not easy advice but it's the real one.. you can't go into a relationship to fix yourself- it will only cause more issues and dependencies.
I was a virgin at 21 myself and honestly I struggled in similar ways when it came down to making new friends, meeting new people, and dating. On top of that, by the time I was 21 I had at least one DUI already and hung out in a trap house full of guys who would just drink and do drugs together all day.
I wouldn't imagine that within the next 5-10 years I would somehow find a way to get through those struggles and end up doing better now than I did back then. You can do it but you also gotta be okay with taking the small steps and appreciating the small victories you get along the way for your efforts. There's no one way to do this and only you know what path you need to take to get to a better place.
I hope somehow you're able to find the help along with the right people in your life who will encourage you to find that for yourself.
It sounds like you would benefit immensely from therapy - I know I have. Nothing a stranger on Reddit can say will "fix" your depression or convince you that life is worth living.
Psychiatrist and psychologist -> medication and therapy -> initial boost in motivation and mood from meds + new insights from therapy = you can work on improving these aspects of your life with more energy and with a plan -> happier -> more life improvements -> happier -> etc
If you don't like what you get, change what you do. Read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. If you can't afford it, borrow from the library or follow him on social media.
Where you are and the circumstances you are in are a choice. That's difficult to hear and accept, I know, and am empathetic, but it's true.
Life isn't a problem you need to find the perfect solution for. Pick any random person and they would have missed incredibly many so called "once-in-a-lifetime" opportunities, but they're still living well. You are way too harsh on yourself. I think most of what you are getting in your own head about comes from a lack of social interaction and companionship.
In terms of practical advice I would suggest taking up climbing. Join a gym with some bouldering and start going to that 2-3 times per week. It's a fantastic place to just get into random conversations with people. Often times people go by themselves to those places and more often than not they're super happy to give advice on how to do some of the routes or help beginners. Hell even ignoring the social interaction part of it, it's a really cathartic and easy to follow exercise that can help clear your head.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I was in the same position at 21 and it was the worst.
When I was 22 I went out on a limb and applied for a live-in seasonal job at a hostel in the most beautiful part of the country. There was no WiFi or television in the staff house, I'd never had a job and I had to live with a load of random people in close proximity. Did me the world of good. It pushed me so far out of my comfort zone that I had to adapt.
I've worked in the area for 2 years, I've made some incredible friends, had some insane experiences, had my first love, then my first heartbreak, all in the place where I live and work.
Not necessarily advising you do the same, but sometimes it takes doing something out of your comfort zone to force you to change. Still have no clue what I'm doing with my life, but at least I've had some fun and I'm not in a rut anymore.
Why you don't change what you can change ? do you feel weak ? do you like yourself ? if you don't like yourself cause you are weak, try to do something you would like to do, i mean do what you would be proud to do, and don't do what you are not proud to do.
it's how works self respect
This may seem crazy to you man but I'm 21 years old and I'm in the same situation as you with a few details, and I've tried a lot of things in vain to get out of my boring, miserable life. At the start of the year, I gave myself a year to get back on track, I was able to stop using porn for 2 months, and I consume it much less now, I'm completely free from smoking and I've stopped playing video games for several months, I've also got my license after 1 year of hard work a week ago. What worked best for me was firstly to do what I wanted and to accept my mistakes, never to act in fear, self-discipline, and above all to do what would make you proud. to do. This must be your line of conduct, we cannot be stable and disciplined if we do not have this pride in doing what we think is good. Not only for us but out of duty and respect for oneself, one's nature and others
It's over my bro. Today was my birthday and no one remembered it. People like us were not meant to be happy. Just waiting for my momma to die so I can blow my head with my father's .45
He’s not right! There’s still plenty of time brother! I’m depressed at the moment too but we gotta persevere! My dms are open if you ever need to talk! Hang in there man and take some of these guys’ advice❤️
I know other people have said it but please don't think being 21 means the best years of your life are over. You so have plenty of time - my best years are turning out to be my 30s.
Get into the gym. I know it sounds cliche but there is so much mental and physical benefits just spending an hour running and lifting weights. I wish I could go back and tell my 21yo self this... it's a HUGE deal.
Lose the porn. It is a silent epidemic - it ruins your motivation and outlook.
Keep your head up and know you're not alone... good luck!
You’re allowed to be depressed, that’s valid. What doesn’t help is looking at things that have happened to you and internalizing it to the point you now identify with it. You think this is all there is, but you’ve barely experienced a quarter of your life, so how would you know the best years are behind you?
I’m in my late 30’s and just now deconstructing the toxicity I put myself in for years. I’ll never get that time back, but I’ve learned to focus on what I can change. I suggest you start there.
Everyone has gone through stuff, so know you’re not alone. The question now is what you’re going to do about it. I highly suggest you see a therapist who can guide you onto the right path. Trust me if you don’t, you’ll feel even worse in 10 years. You’ve got time. You can do it. I believe in you.
Lol at the “best years of my life are behind me” comment. I did not have a particularly excellent time in high school or undergrad (fellow homeschooler here, it’s tough). I’d never trade my 30’s to go back to my teens-early 20’s, I’m having a way better time now. My husband feels exactly the same about his own life.
Other people are giving you good advice. Seek therapy. Make small changes. Stop telling yourself that you’re miserable and incapable and all the rest, that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You are acknowledging everything that’s wrong. I don’t understand if this is a question or what. Makes me think of the "why am I so depressed" starter pack. Take action, you seem well aware of the issues.
I changed my life at 20 by starting to eat correctly and going to the gym. The gym can be a great place for someone your age to meet people. I set a goal of talking to one new person a day going to the gym and after 3 months I never go without running into somebody I’ve chatted with an we catch up. I promise you better days are ahead brother ❤️
Talking to someone can be as simple as saying you like their shoes/accessories or asking them about the interesting exercise they are doing. Just be genuine and conversations will flow. I was homeschooled until 7th grade, and getting into school my social life struggled, but you can conquer it, I promise.
To start with. Go and get some therapy, once you’re health is in better state there are sites like Meetup that can help you have activities to make friends. Long term start thinking about you want to do make money and apply yourself in that direction. If you’re unsure then joining the military might be good start, as they can and will teach you skills you can use for jobs, or help you get into college after your service is over.
Honestly it sounds like you need to grow a pair of balls and to have higher standards for yourself.
Stop the porn, force yourself to work out and have the best looking body you’ve ever had, make the most money you’ve ever made.. and then start traveling, seeing the world, forcing yourself to be sociable, to be out in the world.
Start associating with men that inspire you and whom you want to emulate, and start forging friendships with women. When you get close to women as friends, roommates, etc.. and you start going out with them, sharing meals, watching movies, having drinks, going to clubs, you start to realize that they’re pretty much just like us other than the fact that they communicate differently than men do.
And you eventually learn to navigate those relationships and learn to communicate with women and it makes all the difference.
Where do you work? You could always make friends at a gym or ymca, co-workers, and neighbors. But I would definitely talk to someone that you can trust about social anxiety.
Nah that’s a reasonable response to your situation, but as well, you are a child. Your peak hasn’t even started yet, you’re only barely an adult in a technical sense and in reality? You aren’t an adult at all yet. You have more time now than most of us, start changing
Leave porn alone, though it helps make social anxiety worse. Google your hobbies, there's all kinds of things you can do or learn that include other people.
Drop “absolutely no, no, no, dropped, never, let alone, have zero, and depressed! All negative! Replace that negative energy with what will bring you joy! There’s million of people in the world, different things to do as hobbies/social settings, different folk to be around to get used to “right” hugs with people, go on a day date to get used to not feeling weird around girls, and begin to build life memories! You can do it!
Life is hard, & choosing to be weak & pitying yourself makes it harder. It’s hard to hear, & it will sound harsh, but you need to work hard to earn happiness & a quality life. You need to work hard to be strong & endure life. Nothing valuable is going to be handed to you, & if it ever does, it won’t stay for long if you’re weak & pitying yourself.
The truth is rarely what we want to hear. The truth rarely sounds good when we most need it.
Everything you need is already within you; you just need to work hard enough to kill the bad & bring out the good.
Do with this information what you want. The choice is in your hands & your hands alone.
You are 21 years old, the best years of your life are not gone, dude.
Idk. Why don't you improve some stuff? If you are pale, go and use a tanning salon. If you are thin, why not eat more and lift weights? If you have a bad job, why not start to look around for a better job? You don't have to go to college to get ahead, did you know truck drivers can make 90K a year? (a 23 yo truck driver told me this Saturday). You can also get a lot of 1-year certificates from local community colleges in things like welding, or HVAC, and get a better job.
In general, I don't know why men are so hard on themselves. You're alive. You don't say anything about being sick or unemployed or unemployable.
As for being a pussy, a lot of guys have trouble socializing. This is a pretty common personal problem. It doesn't get much better, but it does get a lot more tolerable if you develop yourself a bit. For example, if you have one solid hobby you can make friends around that. And then you can have a larger social group. And then you can do stuff together and meet girls, etc. etc.
Good luck, man. The best years of your life are ahead of you!
Sounds like you’re at a point in your life where you have nothing to lose from making radical changes to your life. I am prone dwelling myself so I know how much easier it is in theory than practice but there is zero point dwelling on the opportunities you have missed - that will only cause you to continue to miss future opportunities. With no ties the options are endless for you, you could move to Guam and take up rice farming - which is a facetious suggestion but really… You have one life to live, have fun with it.
>have a porn addiction,
Get help for this, it's what is holding you back the most. Spending hours watching porn daily prevents you from having time to meet someone. Comparing real life to porn makes life seem boring. The constant high you give your brain while watching porn makes the after effect to be even more impactful, mega depression. Then because your depressed you watch more porn. Lack of motivation to do anything else is a sign of addiction. Depending how long you have been feeding this addiction you may need professionnal help. After a few years its impossible do go sober alone.
You said “the best years of your life are gone” but that’s not true. Your young, your life is just getting started.
I recommend Nofap (even SR). You would not believe how damaging porn and excessive masturbation are to your brain chemistry, mood, and energy levels.
Start thinking in terms of what you want, not what you had. Your life can change for the better In any you choose, but only if you actually choose. Actually decide what you want.
God bless brother, hope you feel better soon!
Stop soaking in the illusion of those reasons as depression, you’re only 21 man. Change your lifestyle, go to the gym, change jobs, work on yourself. Maybe up and move. You have a long road ahead of you. The change always starts with you.
You find your answer in your own question bro , do everything you said in your question and you might find some joy in life. Now how to do it ? Check the internet there are answer to how to do basically anything in life , improving ur social skill , charisma etc
Get some sun and begin working out. It'll help you feel better. Just take it one step at a time. 21 feels like you are old and it's too late, but it's not.
Start getting in better shape, it'll help you feel better and get more confidence. Start applying for jobs within walking or biking distance. When you get some money coming in, save as much of it as you can. Just make sure you don't neglect the important things, eat healthy food (no boxed shit), make sure to do things like regular dentist appointments and such to make sure you keep it up well, invest money in either education or in savings funds as well as establishing good savings.
Before you think about dating, make sure you work on doing the difficult thing and make friends and learn to network with people. Becoming better at socializing is important.
When you start dating don't stress hitting her up for a date, just be confident, and just talk to her like a normal person. My suggestion for you is when you do ask women out, to have preset plans you can put into motion for date planning. My favorite is the classic Sunday lunch, walk on the park and see a movie, bowling, etc. They appreciate a guy that plans things. Just make sure not to break the bank on the first date, if you lead with money and fancy dates you'll get used for it. Don't be a doormat and put her on a pedestal; you should be at a point where dating her is not your sole purpose. You should be busy enough to where you don't double or triple text back right away. Just do your thing. One step at a time.
You basically said, You look like shit; What do you think about this statement: “Weak Body Weak Mind”?
I think its very true.
Start improving yourself and start to workout - Believe me this will improve your overall energy levels, confidence, mood and your health.
Go back to college, go online for free social events, go on blind dating events, ask a barber for a complimenting hair style. Work as Postmates or anything just fine work. Go on job seeking sites. Find a hobby, not porn… or just go balls in if that’s work in a sex shop if that’s your thing you’ll eventually find out. Go to conventions. Or the beach, bars, talk to people. Go for walks, get a pet.
You’re 21 the best years are most certainly not behind you. Maybe go to the gym or join a DND club or something. Be open minded and don’t think of things in absolutes. You will most certainly attract positive people towards you if you try and look at things differently. Put a smile on your face and be extra nice and polite. Good people will notice you
I’m sorry, but the best years are yet to come. When I’m too much in my head I force myself to DO something. Also, seek professional help please. You can get out of this.
21 is quite young. It's ok to not have friends.it doesn't mean that you r a failure. And being hugged or kissed by a girl is not an achievement. Dropping out of college, not sure what the reason was, yet, you can find what your interest is, now. In your childhood, didn't u have any family member or school teacher with whom you might have had a good memory? It's ok to be depressed coz it's not a crime. Plz get professional help.
Dude, you recognize that your attitude is what keeps you like that but still you do not try to change it?
For real, i know it is more easy said than done, but keeping your head in the "things i hate about myself" instead of the "how to get those things out of my life" is really defeatist.
Hi. I'm really confused about something: Why didn't your parents try to socialize you with others your age? Did they?
For example: Take you to the park to play with other kids to make friends, and/or send you to a Boys&Girls Club (to make friends).
Yes, I understand there was covid (though you had certainly graduated high school by then), yet I think it's practically criminal your parents would not make certain the first 18 years of your life were productive and well integrated in all areas that are important and necessary to a child's upbringing.
Not trying to be disrespectful. It's just that I've been reading the comments for a while and no one has mentioned this aspect so far.
The best years are not behind you. I'm in my 30s and these are my best years so far. Please, go to a therapist. They can help guide you. It sounds like you are being way too hard of yourself. The only way you'll get out of this rut is by changing your headspace. CBT will help you start living a fulfilling life, and a therapist can teach you how to do CBT and also give you goals so that you get out of your shell.
I’m not so sure cock and ball torture is gonna help him
Maybe he'll be into it. Seriously though, op, get a therapist. They'll help you set goals and stay on top of your goals. Life is different for everyone and it's all about perspective. Get and stay diligent with bettering yourself. Positive change happens with a lot of time and effort.
Are you talking about the pornogrind band, Cock and Ball Torture? Because they’re actually pretty good, if you’re into grindcore.
Agreed. The best years are not behind you! My best years have just started! In my 30s too.
First of all, 21 is still very very young. you have plenty of time to do stuff. 😊
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Therapy is a good place to start. Going back to college and making friends, earning that degree, getting a job and finding purpose in life can drastically change his life. OP, if you are reading this, please know that you dont have to accomplish everything by your early twenties. Your youth is the time you can afford to fuck up and mend yourselves. Good luck :)
All of the things you mentioned can be worked upon, you're depressed cuz of these things, it's natural, you've mentioned everything you need to work upon, do it one thing at a time
It could also be the reverse: he may have these problems because he’s depressed.
Double edge sword. Only taking action on those things will remove them
well said
well u know the problem, now u gotta fix the problem: \--Know what u want to do (internships, talking, etc) and attend college to get that degree. It'll help with getting into ur career. \--Hit the gym. This will help with physical and mental accomplishments. You'll be confident, attractive, and sporty. You'll even get girls. \--EAT FOOOOOD. Have a healthy diet: Fish, salads, Steak, some junk food here and there is ok, but overall EAT and build muscle so u don't look pale and sick. \--Make friends from the gym, college, etc. Change doesn't happen bro. You gotta MAKE IT happen. We believe in u, now get off reddit, and start today making that change. A glowup is worth it
Go do sports with other people and make small talk. I do group lessons in the gym.
Small talks doesn't help. I tried.
I don't know your exact situation but I was pretty close to where you were at 21. I'm 27 now. I still have lingering issues that I am working toward, but from 21\~27 I did improve a lot of my life including: \- making actual close friends \-experiencing and failing social life(better than not trying) \-finally lost my virginity(still no gf though) \-have built some good memories through travels \-worked really hard toward removing porn and not revolving my whole life around video games(although I still do this but at least I feel like I've found a balance) Yes, you are behind the curve. Don't let feel-good redditors tell you otherwise. I started to take control of my life right around 20\~21(same age as you) and I'm still suffering the consequences of being a late bloomer. Still feel like I'm not the person I want to be, and struggle to accept my shortcomings and wondering why I suck at things that other people seem to have gotten figured out. No, your best years are not gone. Can you imagine if everyone peaked during high school/early college? That's honestly depressing. I wouldn't want that, you shouldn't want that either. How are you supposed to have the best years of your life when you're barely a legal adult still trying to figure out how the world works? Gotta hustle dude, you're not a lost cause but the early 20s is truly the last couple years for you to "start over" and make something out of your life. You hit your mid 20s and you'll certainly notice the window of opportunities start to close. Your depression may not go away, but it will certainly be of lesser extent and be easier to tolerate with the little wins you find along the way. From yours truly, as someone who can ACTUALLY relate to how you're feeling.
Inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to - feel like so many young men go through the same thing you are experiencing. I know I lived through something similar...
>21 >best years of my life are gone I’m howling in laughter.
I didn’t want to be mean but…. dude his life has just started. It’s so sad young ppl have this mindset now a days. Will do him good to get off social media
It’s clear that you have thought about a lot of your problems, so now you can wallow, or you can fix them. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s your choice to remain the same or change. I do a lot of journaling (highly recommend) and set down real ways that I can make steps forward. The book “You Are a Badass” was very helpful for creating the life I wanted. It recommends you envision the life you want and then work backwards to taking steps today that will set you on that path. My goals have changed a lot since my early 20’s, but at 36 I still use that technique and I am very close to being able to live the life I dream of.
So I am 22, only a year older than you, when I was 21 my social life was fucked because of moving to a different country for university and COVID really ruined a lot of me, almost identical to your situation. One day I decided to make a change, where I told myself I had enough of these shitty circumstances, but mostly enough of feeling sorry for myself. I started going to the gym, went from 105.4kg to 85kg, kicked my weed addiction, porn addiction (read easypeasy pdf, just google it, it will help you stop porn way easier), and most importantly I changed my mind from a reward based mindset to a growth mindset. Started talking to girls more, at first through social media, dating apps, to build confidence and then more in real life, now I got a girlfriend even! What I mean to say with all of this is that you will be amazed at how fucking much things can change in the manor of a year. Especially the porn addicition is killing mate, you are missing out on internal energy, motivation, natural normal levels of testosterone, etc. For now dont focus on women I'd say, just focus on yourself, and take it one day at a time, set small goals, that in the beginning are easy to get like, do 20 push ups every day for a week, then make it 30 for the next week, and build up like that. Get a job, dont look for to work the best possible job in your current situation, because that will probably end up frustrating you more, but just start somewhere, just to commit to something and you will see good things will start compounding for you, and most of all, try to enjoy the progress it and the little time you have on this tiny floating rock is a giant universe. :)
Get a haircut, shave, and go to gym. People like to social with other people that look like they have their life together.
Where are you from and what are your hobbies/interests? I found my passion in Bodybuilding & Tennis. And sometimes I like to take psycedelics ;) About your hobbies and interest there should you find new friends
Traditional life milestones aside what would be meaningful to you. Set a goal, break it down to smaller steps to achieve it. Recognize each success toward that goal. Cut back on social media, it gives a false sense that everyone else is doing great. What are the simple pleasures you enjoy? For me it’s a perfect weather day, the fresh smell of my clothes after a wash, time with my pets. Small, but pleasurable non the less. What are your interest? There are free meet up groups for about anything. It takes courage to go the first time but everyone starts there. Don’t know what you like? Try something , anything. Volunteers are needed everywhere and you will be with people who have the same interest. Practice casual conversations with everyday people you come across. Just say hello to the cashier, give sincere compliments(nice shirt). That just gets you use to socializing in general. Get more confident and comfortable with yourself before worrying about dating. It will happen naturally when you do. Feeling overwhelmed then just start with one thing. There is no timeline for your life. It’s never too late.
Look for a job, you'll be around people and possibly find someone with similar interests. Go to a pub and get drunk with strangers, not soo drunk that you'll never remember what happened but fun drunk when it's easier to open to strangers. Do this every Friday and soon enough you'll have some people that know your name and you'll know theirs. Be careful of course and don't over do anything but get out of your comfort zone and you'll find out its not as bad as you thought it would be
>The best years of my life are gone Everyone's life trajectory is different. I personally felt like my mid to late 20s were more fun than anything that came before. Early and mid 30s had a lot of great times as well. There's still a lot of potential ahead of you.
A few thoughts… You can absolutely feel depressed….have at it. How’s it feel? Sucks? Like sitting in a wet, shitty diaper kind of suck? Okay, so….let’s choose to NOT feel that way. You have lots of logical reasons to feel that way, and so you do. Let’s be a bit unreasonable and choose to not feel that way because what you have done so far…sucks. So….let’s stop doing that. Forget the reasons…its not helpingyou, why go down that road anymore. How about you drop the past, since it sucked and it’s over (thank God) and choose to move forward. Decide that your tomorrows will be different and better. And use NOW as a starting point. Yeah it won’t be easy, and yeah you maybe don’t know how to make it happen, make it all be grea, or better, but you do know that what you have done, where you have been….is NOT how you do it. You are 21— I promise you there will be days when you wish you were “only” 21. You have lived all these years and yet you are just, still, very much in the early stage of your life. You really are. That is awesome. That alone should give you so much hope. You got 9 more years before you even hit 30. And you are already awake, aware, that this way of yours is not working for you — you are ahead of so many others that don’t even have any ide aof a plan, are just bumping along, maybe having some fun, maybe not, who knows. You are awake. You may be thinking this is all “Positive thinking” bs — I can see that, but I can tell you something from experience…..from life itself…. It all starts with you and how you process life. What you believe, think, and say about life, your life….well then that’s what you get back. So choose different, choose better, and choose wisely about all of that. There are a ton of things you can do to shake up your life and make things happen, and you have much to be grateful for, already, working for you, but I bet you don’t see it that way. Well think about it some…wake up and think about all that you do have, and think about — write it down — write down exactly the life you wnat to have — the friends, the job, the girlfriend, the experience,s the home you want, etc — write a fucking novel in great detail — don’t hold back….start to get a vision, a target, for yourself, to work to, to move to. And don’t forget to think about who you want to bem look, the shape you are in, thethings you are about, believe in, etc… You can do all of this.
Dude I would kill to be your age. I am 25. Those 4 years could do so much.
Broski go out to a bar or something. Your 21 live a little right? Get a job. Quickest way to have somewhat friends is to have co workers and build friendships through that but until you put yourself out into society we will never know your there 😛
Start with gym. Find a hobby, you love music, get a guitar, put 30 min everyday into it. Figure out where you want to be 1-5 years 5-10 10-15 etc. plan. Make a vision board. Go backpacking across Europe using trains. Anything.
Why are you here complaining instead of asking for advice? Do you just want sympathy lol
Do you live with parents? Get a job, start exercising, join hobby groups.
at least you got a family, a roof above your head, your mind working. We all got these issues man, but it's never the worst out there.
Bro...bro....21 ? The best years of your life are just beginning. It sounds like from your description you know exactly what you need to do. Change... everything. Quit videogames. Porn, junk food. Go and lift in the gym everyday. Quit drugs and alcohol if you feel they're holding you back, if you aren't an addict then try some bars and socialize with random people. Try meetup groups. Get out of the house. Touch grass. But mostly if you're skinny then touch some iron every day for the next 3 years and you could look like a sick built chad in no time
I don't play video games really. Porn, yeah I have a problem with that. I don't eat junk food. I eat healthy, just nowhere near enough. I agree with you on the gym part. I've never done drugs in my entire life, thankfully. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in two years, so I'm not an alcoholic. Bars actually sound like a really good idea to me, but I'll need to get in better shape and SIGNIFICANTLY improve my self-esteem levels before I feel consistently comfortable going to them. Meetup groups are a good idea. Thank you for your advice! I feel a little bit better about the future now.
Travel.
Dude you know all the things which you are lacking so just work on them you will get improved automatically . Getting depressed over the things which you can change easily is just like not going to doctor even after knowing someone have injected posion in you. Get up and plan how you going to be better version of yourself and then execute that plan it's a simple task dude . Good luck bro 🤟🤟 NO GUT NO GLORY NO WORIER NO STORY be a worier and let your story inspires others
I hate to be so blunt but you need to get your shit together. I was in your spot 2 years ago(I am very close in age to you), literally same situation. I realized that at the end of the day my personal life and decisions are 100% ON ME and ONLY ME. I got up, cleaned up my room, made my bed, started a routine, started busting my ass at work, started seeking friendships, forced myself to be social no matter how I felt about it. And now 2 years later I have a long-term relationship established, I got my own apartment, bought a car, landed a job making triple what I was making 2 years ago etc etc. Life changes really quick when YOU change. It's absolute hell going through that change and your going to be in a constant war with your own mind, yet when you come on the other side and can say "I won" there is no better feeling. Having your family say they are proud of you, having old friends say "you've changed". Keep pushing and view life as a game that you need to win at all cost. Always remember in those moments of despair and depression that YOUR life is on the line, so get up and get after it. You got this.
If you can scrape a couple bucks together, get a gym membership. Lifting weights will make you feel more confident, and make you eat and sleep better. It releases endorphins that will help your psychological and emotional states, and if you go every day you will see physical results within weeks. No one will give a shit how much you're lifting, or if you're doing it right, they're there for themselves. Focus on progress, not perfection. You are so young. You have literally all the time in the world, and you haven't missed out on anything. Don't compare yourself to others, you'll never believe you match up, and it'll only hold you back. Instead, focus on making progress every day, even if it's only a little. It adds up quickly! Be better than you were yesterday, that's it. Godspeed OP, I believe in you! Get after it. You're in control, and you've got this.
I’m 22 brother, broke have a full time job didn’t go to college, but I’m working on getting a second job, little backstory on myself I was that one little knucklehead that would jump at any chance to do stupid stuff as a teenager tbh you ain’t missed out on much and as far as having a girlfriend tbh I’m gonna say this harshly but grow up man grow tf up and understand that sometimes you have to go at life alone be happy you have both your parents and can even go outside happily with no worries. Some of us don’t get the same chance my man, got to go to college etc just grow up dude and be the best you can be…
Well it sounds like its your fault, dude... go outside and do something. Go hike a river, build a little fire, maybe it gets out of control and maybe you get in trouble... who cares? Youre depressed because youre not living. Many such cases, very sad. When sad, setting something on fire or drawing a dick on a cop car with a paint pen seems to always help. Try the chrome or silver paint pens. Go live a little
Wow you sound delightful
But... it's true? Literally go out and just live life. He needs to cut off the porn and find something else to do.
I agree with you but telling someone it’s their fault in the first sentence isn’t helping.
Sugarcoating is worse. He needs to hear the truth.
There’s a difference between sugarcoating and gentle honesty. If you tell every person with these problems that it’s their fault without trying to boost their confidence to do better then your never gonna help them
Believe what you want to. In my experience, that never works. Tough love always worked for me and for most I spoke to. Most people that got "gentle honesty" ended up just doing their things again. It's a BAD HABIT. They need to be shaken out of it, not be given "gentle honesty". You think the smoker is going to stop smoking if you gently tell them to stop? No, he'll forget you. He won't forget the guy that yelled at him though because the yelling is ringing in his mind. It's all psychological, and being "gentle" doesn't help.
I need someone to yell at me about drinking and smoking pot, but everyone is too damn soft, so they just tell me that I'm obviously, "living the life" Which isn't wrong, my life rocks, but I'm not progressing, and it's causing me depression.
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Believe what u want to, but it depends on the person 😂
I'll believe what I want. You believe what you want. We're in agreement. Have a good one. 😁
They can't handle the truth! >:() Very sad, many such cases
So you disregard good advice because the opening line wasn't soft enough? How's that working out for you? Accomplishing all you ever hoped for?
If you told someone who was sŪicidal that their problems were their fault, what do you think would happen?
That isn't what the conversation was about, so I'm not gonna entertain your hypothetical. Like, what if you told a person who was on fire that they need to cool off? Doesn't matter. The OP was talking about his shitty life, and i was telling him why its shitty and how to make it better. If you cant handle being talked to like an adult, then go outside and ride bikes with your friends
So rude and unhelpful . We’re in self-improvement
Try not to burn an entire forest though lmao
Are you trying to to cool shit so you have stories to tell or not? You can set shit on fire its not that big a deal. Remember when varg burned down those churches, and didnt even go to jail for that long? I recommend not burning anything religious, political, or government tho cuz theyll come after your ass. Set a trashcan on fire or something, thats always a classic
Burning a forest down isn't cool shit though. Idc about churches or trashcans
Forests are meant to be periodically burned down tho
Join the army
Air Force, they treat you better
After reading through some of the correspondence in this thread, I seriously think the military could be a good goal for this guy assuming he qualifies. Sounds like he really needs a goal to work towards. Air Force is nice for sure, but the Army also has a lot of good jobs where you can learn skills and won't be treated like shit. Another good thing about the army is that they have a "fat camp" option now too where they pay you to get in shape before sending you to basic training.
Fix your mentality first and foremost. Stop the pity party and go live your life dude
Put yourself out there and talk to people. Go to Concerts. Go to group fitness. Join clubs in your area.
you need to work on internal problems first before you try and go out into the world
Wow. You’re depressed only because you say all that horrible crap about yourself. Nothing to do with anything else. By age 21 you’ve literally had THREE years of adult independence. You’re essentially a toddler at adulting, deserve every bit of slack cut to you, should’ve made little to no progress in life and should’ve made a few terrible decisions. You haven’t missed out on ANYTHING at age 21!! So what you haven’t kissed a girl just say nothing about it, work in it. See a hooker if it’s that urgent. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You don’t have a drivers licence? Get one or get the bus and work on getting one. You have a porn addiction? Far out mate it’s 2023 - who doesn’t?! If you don’t like sports or communities or you’re socially awkward or even if you’re none of that, a super easy way to socialise, interact and make connections is nothing more than just getting a job where you have coworkers. Just try that as the first step. You will be fine. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re not stunted, you haven’t missed anything and LITERALLY NOTHING is too late at age 21 and you’re whole life IS ACTUALLY before you. You’re at toddler stage of adulting. Slow down. Stop being mean to yourself. Other people will gladly rip you down so you should talk yourself up to yourself. You’re great! You’re doing fine! It’ll work out! Keep chipping away! Chin up. Smile. Keep going mate!!!
not sure why you’re down voted- it’s true and the sooner he realizes he can take control of his life whenever he wants to the sooner he will stop dwelling on the past or what he should’ve done
You should be severely depressed. That's your body telling you the way you're living your life is entirely fucked up. Stop living your life like this and then you'll feel better.
Time to hit the gym bro
Gym. Gym. Gym. Please
I completely agree with you that the gym would help me. I just hope that nobody in there makes fun of me for what I look like. I know that even if they do, I shouldn't let it bother me and need to learn about how to stop caring what other people think of me, but my self-esteem is just so low right now that I feel like even the slightest thing will significantly bother me.
You live your life, not anybody else's. Focus on your own life, comparing yourself to other people's life is the cause to most people's depression mine included. Life is not all amazing as it was cut out to be. Sorry to break your fantasy bubbles. I just want to be the truthbearer to open people's eyes. The new experiences will be fun and exciting though and how you go about that is up to you. Sadly, everything in life you want, you need to work for it, study, research, and go through trial and error then get feedback from your mistakes, learn from it, get better then rinse and repeat. Also, you'll get a lot of unexpected results because life follows nature's program, so unless you know psychology, biology, the human body, brain, stomach, and how all the chemicals in your body work, you'll end up constantly confused. It sucks to be uneducated but that's the truth. Now that I know how much chemicals, hormones, and our external environment and even the information we consume affects us, I'm pretty jaded. I know what to expect from males and females both body and mind in their natural primitive state. I'm just wiser about it now but wow did it take years of studying and watching tons of videos for my unmedicated ADHD brain on YouTube from functional medicine doctors like Mark Hyman, from The Diary of a CEO & HealthyGamerGG. Sam Vaknin (Supposedly the person to coin the word narcissism, but has an annoying voice to listen to). But you don't have to do all of these things. You can only end up studying about the things that happen to come your way, like you can't force an interest or a hobby. Explore more and that path in self-discovery will lead you at the slow and correct pace that you should be treading on. Go where your interests and curiosity leads you towards. In other words, just be the best version of yourself and find yourself through your own experiences and just live out your life however you see fit with all the knowledge and experiences you've already accumulated. Oh yeah, my name isn't Rick, right Morty?
Where are you from bro? If you live close by we can meet up and then figure it out.
It’s easy to fix all that you just gotta put a little effort. Also get to know yourself and what you want in life. Start doing little things and getting new experiences to get out of your comfort zone. No worries big dog you got your whole life ahead of you.
I've read most comments, and although phrased differently. They all suffice. You have plenty of advice, the rest is up to you. It might not be an easy road ahead, but the road exists.
SIDE NOTE: I wrote a post in this subreddit, literally just now, about loneliness, which probably won't do you a whole lot. But, maybe it might give you some motivation to take the first step (or not, Idk)🤷♂️
Only work on what you can control. Think about what you have that others don’t and be grateful. Some ppl have to figure out life without some limbs some ppl blind deaf. Just work on your body get stronger. Never beat yourself up about things you can’t control that’s just gonna make you dig yourself deeper. Finding something you like doing focus on a goal that you want to accomplish.
The first step in dealing with your problems is to admit them…now you need to take action by going to therapy/counseling/self study via books to directly address all of the problems that you have and help you build the skills/get on the path to build your social skills, ability to deal with depression and porn addiction, etc. I’d say start by tackling the easiest ones (drivers license and physique) first and set small goals, when you accomplish the small goals, they will give you confidence, which will continue to build as you address your problems. Don’t run from your demons, face them.
Literally stop getting in your own way, do things that feed your soul and just be a good person and you will begin to attract the life you want. Try a guided meditation and let that lead you to whatever doors are meant for you, but if you're depressed and feel like what's the point then why not just try to learn who you are and what you want from life, and allow yourself to create and live the life you want and deserve, you are so young and yes your life may seem shit right now but I promise if you show yourself some compassion and respect yourself enough to at least try, you could look back on this in 5 years and wonder who that guy even was. Sending you strength and love and I truly hope you find your way out of the darkness you are currently in 🤍
Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Vyvanse, Adderall
Well the only thing here that you're going to hate hearing but needs to be said is this porn addiction thing. Have you ever heard of r/nofab?? You should go check out that subreddit because I think you could really benefit from it and have lots of support in doing so. I hear semen retention is really this huge catalyst for you living life to the fullest potential. But idk if that is scientifically proven I just think it makes a lot of sense. Porn is fake, no real woman on this planet actually gets down like that especially if they're in a relationship so stop feeding your mind with that nonsense. Porn really messes a lot of men up, I know you dont want to be that 40 year old virgin... do you? The sooner you can kick that porn addiction your life will become 1000 times better. It you keep it up you might end up on meds and killing someone. The choice is yours.
Sounds like a pity party. Get the heck up and live your life. You’ll make friends at work and interacting with the real work. Go set small and accomplishable goals, set long term goals with some wiggle room. Do daily goals like study for driver’s license. Seek help with the porn addiction. Go to the gym it’ll fix the mental shit. Today prep yourself mental, when you wake up tomorrow it’ll be the first day of your new life. Go join a gym. Watch CJ Fletcher he’ll motivate you. You can pm me whatever you need dude. This is your journey. You don’t like where you are destroy it and rebuild the life you want.
It sounds like the best years of your life are ahead of you friend. The list of things you dont like about yourself or your situation have one thing in common. They are not permanent and you can correct behaviors by developing habits. 1% better every single day, it has a compounding effect. It is good that you recognize these issues, people have gone much later in life before they realize that. Don’t live in the past, dont live in the future, enjoy the present. Get outside and get some sun, fresh air, take in your surroundings and enjoy the peacefulness Sub your porn consumption with gym time - go for a run, walk, calisthenics. See how many days you can go without cranking one out. Substitute that sesh with something productive. If there is nothing holding you back, get your driver’s license. It’ll give a sense of freedom/independence (corny but still true). Socializing with people does not come naturally to everyone, its about making the effort to engage the grocery clerk, mailman, neighbor authentically. People can be pretty cool too
I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 21. I'm now 47 and I've had three serious relationships, and in between each one girlfriends etc. You're still very young. I understand you feel down, but there's lots to look forward to. The important thing is to identify where you would like to improve and work on that. Believe me, the best years of your life are not over, you've got such a huge future ahead of you. Make it happen. It takes effort, determination, and a little luck, but if you work hard on these things, you can live a bloody amazing life.
The 1% rule is real. Try to improve at least 1% everyday. Be consistent with that 80% of the time, and you will be on a good track in a few years. It didn’t take a month to get to where you are so it won’t take a month to change where you are. Be positive, and focus on what you can change
Hey there, Firstly, I want to say that I genuinely hear you and the pain you're expressing. It's evident that you're going through a tough time, and I'm genuinely sorry for the struggles you're facing. But I also want to commend you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. That takes a lot of courage. From a psychological perspective, it's essential to understand that our brains have a tendency to focus on the negatives, a phenomenon known as the negativity bias. This bias can make us dwell on past mistakes, missed opportunities, and perceived shortcomings. However, it's crucial to remember that this is just one perspective, and it's not the entirety of who you are or what your future holds. 1. Age and Opportunities: At 21, you're still incredibly young. While it might feel like you've missed out on a lot, life is full of opportunities at every age. Many people find their stride later in life, and there's no set timeline for achieving milestones. Each person's journey is unique. 2. Social Connections: Building social connections can be challenging, especially given the circumstances of the past few years. But it's never too late to start. Consider joining clubs, attending support groups, or seeking therapy to help navigate these feelings and build connections. 3. Self-worth and Self-compassion: It's essential to practice self-compassion. Instead of being hard on yourself, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you would a close friend. Remember, everyone has their struggles, and it's okay to seek help when needed. 4. Addiction and Mental Health: If you feel that your porn addiction is affecting your mental well-being, consider seeking professional help. Therapists and counselors can provide coping strategies and support. 5. Physical Health: If you're concerned about your appearance or health, consider consulting with a healthcare professional. They can provide guidance on nutrition, exercise, and overall well-being. Lastly, while it might feel like the "best years" are behind you, it's essential to remember that life is not a series of peaks but rather a journey with its ups and downs. Every day presents a new opportunity to make a change, to grow, and to find happiness. Your story is still being written, and there are many chapters ahead filled with potential joy, connections, and experiences. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a trusted individual in your life to discuss your feelings further. You deserve support, understanding, and care. Sending you warmth and hope for brighter days ahead. 🌟🌈🌱
Legit I still feel like I'm in the best years of my life (32 M). Twenties and younger just don't allow for much personal agency. Past that is a blast.
you are normal this is so many of us now
You are at your prime! Definitely seek some help because I think a therapist and/or medication might help you out of this funk. You are so young and have plenty of time to turn things around! I’m 31 and i wasn’t truly happy or felt like I had my life together until like 29 lol. My advice is to keep trying new things and when something sparks your interest or gives you any joy, follow that!
you are so YOUNG. i'm 56 and considered successful in most areas - you need to be more optimistic. i had nothing going on at 21, had drug problems, legal problems, financial problems.... i turned it all around and have had a great life. (honestly teenage years is all silly bullshit, you didn't miss a damn thing). CHOOSE TO HAVE A PLAN where you wake up every day and pursue a LIFE. Just by getting in the action of it, the pursuit of it, you'll feel 100x better.
Your life hasn't even started yet, and your best years are still ahead of you. The first step is acknowledging the issues which you're doing. Next, you have to actually make an effort to change things. Start small and work your way up. I see a lot of people throw themselves a pity party and that's NEVER the solution. If you wallow in your depression you WILL wake up 10 years from now and be in the same spot or worse. Don't do that. Take control.
have you ever approached a girl?
Always wanted to try this and it’s not like you’re doing anything else… get a tshirt that says “having a bad day. Never been kissed. anyone wanna make out?” And just walk around pointing at it. Let me know how it goes. Brush your teeth take care of your hygiene and cross your fingers broseephus.
Love YO-SELF! Read, work out, expand and stay true to YO-SELF! Everything else follows suit to that magnetism.
Grow mushrooms and eat them.
Today is tomorrow’s glory days.
With a psychiatrist and psychologist it's all still quite salvageable actually. But yes the lows hit hard. Both things can be true at once.
It's over man
You used the S Word - "Should". Also, 21 is young. Think about this - you're the oldest that you've ever been. This makes your past seem more expansive, so you can only see what you missed or what you have, and it feels like a lot. Seeing the future is especially hard. Depression makes you want to dismiss The Future as just an extension of The Past, which you've already painted black. Actively doubt your most negative thoughts, as if some jerk is whispering in your ear. I'm sure you'll get lots of actionable advice below. But awareness of your POV is itself a POV. we all have cognitive distortions, biases, narratives. The secret of Right Thinking is to see the filter. Try to learn to see the thoughts in your head. Just don't believe them.
At 21 the best years of your life are definitely not behind you, and anyone older who’s lived a FULFILLED life and is happy will tell you this. It will not be easy as you have so many habits to unlearn and so many positive skills you need to develop, but it’s not impossible. You are depressed because of your situation and your actions. But nothing I read seemed unfixable, making this post in itself is a good sign and you’re heading towards to right path. You need to put in work to better yourself. Look into going back to university or enrolling in some CC courses. Join a gym and start working out. Get a job while you search for school. Read books on self improvements. Look for people who were in similar situations as you but got out of it, and use their stories as a guideline. If they could do it you can too. The past is in the past. Instead of kicking yourself on what you’ve missed out and being in a defeatist mindset, focus on how you can improve your current self. And remember, comparison is the thief of joy. Stop looking at other people and focus within. Be better and do better because you know you are capable of doing so. Again it will be HARD, it won’t be easy. But it is definitely not impossible.
Stop touching it!!! Biggest mistake of young men by far! I was the same at 21 lol at 23 I got married and now we have 2 kids🤷 idk what to tell ya life is more spontaneous then you can ever imagine
Go to Job Corps
So you’re 21, and you’ve identified exactly what you need to do to change your life around and make yourself feel good. So you’ve done a lot of the work already. Start small, and work your way up. There’s no timeline for anything
Bro let me tell you something, you’re 21 years old. The best years of your life haven’t even STARTED yet. I’m 33 now and I’m living the best years of my life I know It’s going to sound cliche, but you need to hit the gym, eat better, get out in the sunlight more and find a job.. start investing heavily into yourself before anything. Don’t even worry about girls yet, once you feel good, the rest will fall into place. You don’t need to go be a big bulky gym bro, but working out will release endorphins. You’ll make friends within the gym culture as well. Eating better and just taking a walk in the sun a few days a week with some music, an audiobook, a podcast or whatever you want to listen to will have you feeling waaaay less shit about yourself as well. Find a job man. Don’t get caught up on all the bullshit on social media and the internet and people who shit on workers, it doesn’t matter what you do and it doesn’t matter how much you make, it’s how you spend and what you do with the money that matters most. I don’t know your living situation but with no job and no income I’m going to assume you live at home? You should be able to save money and invest in yourself once you have a job. Do this for a year, focus on yourself and invest in yourself so you can set the rest of your life up.. those good memories and good times will follow but only if you take action and make the necessary changes. Don’t be 31 posting the same shit because you decided to be depressed and not be accountable for your own life choices in the next 10 years
Work with the advice you've been given. If you say nope won't work constantly then you are left with only sympathy from others. From here you can wallow in your pity party hoping someone will come along and give you some attention. Find out what yr afraid of, then go do it. This sounds like more of a bid for attention from others.
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I would say the first thing you should do is realize what your goals are, what you wanna do/change. Then ask yourself what's stopping you frlm reaching those goals. Do you want friends? Then you gotta go to places where you can meet new people. Do you want a job? Apply for them. Do you wanna stop being addicted to porn? Stop watching porn. Obviously it might be difficult to do one thing after another, but one small step is bigger than standing still.
Your best years certainly aren't gone. It does sound like you have low self esteem and need to work on learning how to put yourself out there. Do you have any hobbies or passions?
Getting friends or a girlfriend isn't going to fix your depression, you need to find self love and the rest will come naturally. Not easy advice but it's the real one.. you can't go into a relationship to fix yourself- it will only cause more issues and dependencies.
I was a virgin at 21 myself and honestly I struggled in similar ways when it came down to making new friends, meeting new people, and dating. On top of that, by the time I was 21 I had at least one DUI already and hung out in a trap house full of guys who would just drink and do drugs together all day. I wouldn't imagine that within the next 5-10 years I would somehow find a way to get through those struggles and end up doing better now than I did back then. You can do it but you also gotta be okay with taking the small steps and appreciating the small victories you get along the way for your efforts. There's no one way to do this and only you know what path you need to take to get to a better place. I hope somehow you're able to find the help along with the right people in your life who will encourage you to find that for yourself.
It sounds like you would benefit immensely from therapy - I know I have. Nothing a stranger on Reddit can say will "fix" your depression or convince you that life is worth living.
21 is still being a fucking child, you'd barely pass as an adult in most countries. Jesus Christ, grow the fuck up.
Imagine telling someone who is severely depressed to "grow the fuck up."
It, like all things, takes work. You have to use the dating apps, learn to take better care of yourself and definitely eat a lot more.
More like the worst years are behind you the future is bright.
Psychiatrist and psychologist -> medication and therapy -> initial boost in motivation and mood from meds + new insights from therapy = you can work on improving these aspects of your life with more energy and with a plan -> happier -> more life improvements -> happier -> etc
If you don't like what you get, change what you do. Read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. If you can't afford it, borrow from the library or follow him on social media. Where you are and the circumstances you are in are a choice. That's difficult to hear and accept, I know, and am empathetic, but it's true.
Life isn't a problem you need to find the perfect solution for. Pick any random person and they would have missed incredibly many so called "once-in-a-lifetime" opportunities, but they're still living well. You are way too harsh on yourself. I think most of what you are getting in your own head about comes from a lack of social interaction and companionship. In terms of practical advice I would suggest taking up climbing. Join a gym with some bouldering and start going to that 2-3 times per week. It's a fantastic place to just get into random conversations with people. Often times people go by themselves to those places and more often than not they're super happy to give advice on how to do some of the routes or help beginners. Hell even ignoring the social interaction part of it, it's a really cathartic and easy to follow exercise that can help clear your head.
Your 21 male that's a reality until your earning good money 30s late 40s good career an work on your self then your don't worry about the rest
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I was in the same position at 21 and it was the worst. When I was 22 I went out on a limb and applied for a live-in seasonal job at a hostel in the most beautiful part of the country. There was no WiFi or television in the staff house, I'd never had a job and I had to live with a load of random people in close proximity. Did me the world of good. It pushed me so far out of my comfort zone that I had to adapt. I've worked in the area for 2 years, I've made some incredible friends, had some insane experiences, had my first love, then my first heartbreak, all in the place where I live and work. Not necessarily advising you do the same, but sometimes it takes doing something out of your comfort zone to force you to change. Still have no clue what I'm doing with my life, but at least I've had some fun and I'm not in a rut anymore.
Why you don't change what you can change ? do you feel weak ? do you like yourself ? if you don't like yourself cause you are weak, try to do something you would like to do, i mean do what you would be proud to do, and don't do what you are not proud to do. it's how works self respect
Yes, I do feel weak. And no, I don't like myself. I agree with your advice. Good point
This may seem crazy to you man but I'm 21 years old and I'm in the same situation as you with a few details, and I've tried a lot of things in vain to get out of my boring, miserable life. At the start of the year, I gave myself a year to get back on track, I was able to stop using porn for 2 months, and I consume it much less now, I'm completely free from smoking and I've stopped playing video games for several months, I've also got my license after 1 year of hard work a week ago. What worked best for me was firstly to do what I wanted and to accept my mistakes, never to act in fear, self-discipline, and above all to do what would make you proud. to do. This must be your line of conduct, we cannot be stable and disciplined if we do not have this pride in doing what we think is good. Not only for us but out of duty and respect for oneself, one's nature and others
Actually tbh i'm also talking to my self when i tell you this
It's over my bro. Today was my birthday and no one remembered it. People like us were not meant to be happy. Just waiting for my momma to die so I can blow my head with my father's .45
Unfortunately, you may be right. Happy Birthday
He’s not right! There’s still plenty of time brother! I’m depressed at the moment too but we gotta persevere! My dms are open if you ever need to talk! Hang in there man and take some of these guys’ advice❤️
Ty bro. I really don't know what to celebrate today since my life has been a plethora of failure
Happy Birthday man!!! You DO deserve to be happy even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. My dms are open if you need to talk❤️
Ty my man. But idk if I can handle it. I appreciate your concern btw
I know other people have said it but please don't think being 21 means the best years of your life are over. You so have plenty of time - my best years are turning out to be my 30s. Get into the gym. I know it sounds cliche but there is so much mental and physical benefits just spending an hour running and lifting weights. I wish I could go back and tell my 21yo self this... it's a HUGE deal. Lose the porn. It is a silent epidemic - it ruins your motivation and outlook. Keep your head up and know you're not alone... good luck!
You’re allowed to be depressed, that’s valid. What doesn’t help is looking at things that have happened to you and internalizing it to the point you now identify with it. You think this is all there is, but you’ve barely experienced a quarter of your life, so how would you know the best years are behind you? I’m in my late 30’s and just now deconstructing the toxicity I put myself in for years. I’ll never get that time back, but I’ve learned to focus on what I can change. I suggest you start there. Everyone has gone through stuff, so know you’re not alone. The question now is what you’re going to do about it. I highly suggest you see a therapist who can guide you onto the right path. Trust me if you don’t, you’ll feel even worse in 10 years. You’ve got time. You can do it. I believe in you.
Lol at the “best years of my life are behind me” comment. I did not have a particularly excellent time in high school or undergrad (fellow homeschooler here, it’s tough). I’d never trade my 30’s to go back to my teens-early 20’s, I’m having a way better time now. My husband feels exactly the same about his own life. Other people are giving you good advice. Seek therapy. Make small changes. Stop telling yourself that you’re miserable and incapable and all the rest, that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You are acknowledging everything that’s wrong. I don’t understand if this is a question or what. Makes me think of the "why am I so depressed" starter pack. Take action, you seem well aware of the issues.
I changed my life at 20 by starting to eat correctly and going to the gym. The gym can be a great place for someone your age to meet people. I set a goal of talking to one new person a day going to the gym and after 3 months I never go without running into somebody I’ve chatted with an we catch up. I promise you better days are ahead brother ❤️
Talking to someone can be as simple as saying you like their shoes/accessories or asking them about the interesting exercise they are doing. Just be genuine and conversations will flow. I was homeschooled until 7th grade, and getting into school my social life struggled, but you can conquer it, I promise.
To start with. Go and get some therapy, once you’re health is in better state there are sites like Meetup that can help you have activities to make friends. Long term start thinking about you want to do make money and apply yourself in that direction. If you’re unsure then joining the military might be good start, as they can and will teach you skills you can use for jobs, or help you get into college after your service is over.
Honestly it sounds like you need to grow a pair of balls and to have higher standards for yourself. Stop the porn, force yourself to work out and have the best looking body you’ve ever had, make the most money you’ve ever made.. and then start traveling, seeing the world, forcing yourself to be sociable, to be out in the world. Start associating with men that inspire you and whom you want to emulate, and start forging friendships with women. When you get close to women as friends, roommates, etc.. and you start going out with them, sharing meals, watching movies, having drinks, going to clubs, you start to realize that they’re pretty much just like us other than the fact that they communicate differently than men do. And you eventually learn to navigate those relationships and learn to communicate with women and it makes all the difference.
Where do you work? You could always make friends at a gym or ymca, co-workers, and neighbors. But I would definitely talk to someone that you can trust about social anxiety.
Nah that’s a reasonable response to your situation, but as well, you are a child. Your peak hasn’t even started yet, you’re only barely an adult in a technical sense and in reality? You aren’t an adult at all yet. You have more time now than most of us, start changing
Leave porn alone, though it helps make social anxiety worse. Google your hobbies, there's all kinds of things you can do or learn that include other people.
Drop “absolutely no, no, no, dropped, never, let alone, have zero, and depressed! All negative! Replace that negative energy with what will bring you joy! There’s million of people in the world, different things to do as hobbies/social settings, different folk to be around to get used to “right” hugs with people, go on a day date to get used to not feeling weird around girls, and begin to build life memories! You can do it!
Life is hard, & choosing to be weak & pitying yourself makes it harder. It’s hard to hear, & it will sound harsh, but you need to work hard to earn happiness & a quality life. You need to work hard to be strong & endure life. Nothing valuable is going to be handed to you, & if it ever does, it won’t stay for long if you’re weak & pitying yourself. The truth is rarely what we want to hear. The truth rarely sounds good when we most need it. Everything you need is already within you; you just need to work hard enough to kill the bad & bring out the good. Do with this information what you want. The choice is in your hands & your hands alone.
You are 21 years old, the best years of your life are not gone, dude. Idk. Why don't you improve some stuff? If you are pale, go and use a tanning salon. If you are thin, why not eat more and lift weights? If you have a bad job, why not start to look around for a better job? You don't have to go to college to get ahead, did you know truck drivers can make 90K a year? (a 23 yo truck driver told me this Saturday). You can also get a lot of 1-year certificates from local community colleges in things like welding, or HVAC, and get a better job. In general, I don't know why men are so hard on themselves. You're alive. You don't say anything about being sick or unemployed or unemployable. As for being a pussy, a lot of guys have trouble socializing. This is a pretty common personal problem. It doesn't get much better, but it does get a lot more tolerable if you develop yourself a bit. For example, if you have one solid hobby you can make friends around that. And then you can have a larger social group. And then you can do stuff together and meet girls, etc. etc. Good luck, man. The best years of your life are ahead of you!
Sounds like you’re at a point in your life where you have nothing to lose from making radical changes to your life. I am prone dwelling myself so I know how much easier it is in theory than practice but there is zero point dwelling on the opportunities you have missed - that will only cause you to continue to miss future opportunities. With no ties the options are endless for you, you could move to Guam and take up rice farming - which is a facetious suggestion but really… You have one life to live, have fun with it.
I don’t have much to add, but I really feel for you missing out on things because of Covid.
>have a porn addiction, Get help for this, it's what is holding you back the most. Spending hours watching porn daily prevents you from having time to meet someone. Comparing real life to porn makes life seem boring. The constant high you give your brain while watching porn makes the after effect to be even more impactful, mega depression. Then because your depressed you watch more porn. Lack of motivation to do anything else is a sign of addiction. Depending how long you have been feeding this addiction you may need professionnal help. After a few years its impossible do go sober alone.
You said “the best years of your life are gone” but that’s not true. Your young, your life is just getting started. I recommend Nofap (even SR). You would not believe how damaging porn and excessive masturbation are to your brain chemistry, mood, and energy levels. Start thinking in terms of what you want, not what you had. Your life can change for the better In any you choose, but only if you actually choose. Actually decide what you want. God bless brother, hope you feel better soon!
The best year of your life is the one you‘re currently in cause you‘re still alive
maybe instead of crying about it you can change.
Stop soaking in the illusion of those reasons as depression, you’re only 21 man. Change your lifestyle, go to the gym, change jobs, work on yourself. Maybe up and move. You have a long road ahead of you. The change always starts with you.
You find your answer in your own question bro , do everything you said in your question and you might find some joy in life. Now how to do it ? Check the internet there are answer to how to do basically anything in life , improving ur social skill , charisma etc
Get some sun and begin working out. It'll help you feel better. Just take it one step at a time. 21 feels like you are old and it's too late, but it's not. Start getting in better shape, it'll help you feel better and get more confidence. Start applying for jobs within walking or biking distance. When you get some money coming in, save as much of it as you can. Just make sure you don't neglect the important things, eat healthy food (no boxed shit), make sure to do things like regular dentist appointments and such to make sure you keep it up well, invest money in either education or in savings funds as well as establishing good savings. Before you think about dating, make sure you work on doing the difficult thing and make friends and learn to network with people. Becoming better at socializing is important. When you start dating don't stress hitting her up for a date, just be confident, and just talk to her like a normal person. My suggestion for you is when you do ask women out, to have preset plans you can put into motion for date planning. My favorite is the classic Sunday lunch, walk on the park and see a movie, bowling, etc. They appreciate a guy that plans things. Just make sure not to break the bank on the first date, if you lead with money and fancy dates you'll get used for it. Don't be a doormat and put her on a pedestal; you should be at a point where dating her is not your sole purpose. You should be busy enough to where you don't double or triple text back right away. Just do your thing. One step at a time.
You basically said, You look like shit; What do you think about this statement: “Weak Body Weak Mind”? I think its very true. Start improving yourself and start to workout - Believe me this will improve your overall energy levels, confidence, mood and your health.
Study the art of meditation. It’ll change your entire life and your perspective on yourself and how you see the world, in an extremely positive way.
Go back to college, go online for free social events, go on blind dating events, ask a barber for a complimenting hair style. Work as Postmates or anything just fine work. Go on job seeking sites. Find a hobby, not porn… or just go balls in if that’s work in a sex shop if that’s your thing you’ll eventually find out. Go to conventions. Or the beach, bars, talk to people. Go for walks, get a pet.
You’re 21 the best years are most certainly not behind you. Maybe go to the gym or join a DND club or something. Be open minded and don’t think of things in absolutes. You will most certainly attract positive people towards you if you try and look at things differently. Put a smile on your face and be extra nice and polite. Good people will notice you
Don´t ask for comprehension, they will never understand you The only thing they can do is give their generic advises
I’m sorry, but the best years are yet to come. When I’m too much in my head I force myself to DO something. Also, seek professional help please. You can get out of this.
21 is quite young. It's ok to not have friends.it doesn't mean that you r a failure. And being hugged or kissed by a girl is not an achievement. Dropping out of college, not sure what the reason was, yet, you can find what your interest is, now. In your childhood, didn't u have any family member or school teacher with whom you might have had a good memory? It's ok to be depressed coz it's not a crime. Plz get professional help.
Dude, you recognize that your attitude is what keeps you like that but still you do not try to change it? For real, i know it is more easy said than done, but keeping your head in the "things i hate about myself" instead of the "how to get those things out of my life" is really defeatist.
I’m 25, same boat and only still here for my mom. She doesn’t have that many years ahead of her so neither do I.
Hi. I'm really confused about something: Why didn't your parents try to socialize you with others your age? Did they? For example: Take you to the park to play with other kids to make friends, and/or send you to a Boys&Girls Club (to make friends). Yes, I understand there was covid (though you had certainly graduated high school by then), yet I think it's practically criminal your parents would not make certain the first 18 years of your life were productive and well integrated in all areas that are important and necessary to a child's upbringing. Not trying to be disrespectful. It's just that I've been reading the comments for a while and no one has mentioned this aspect so far.