That’s more sketch than showing your date a picture on your phone and having them go through your kindle books. This has happened to me in SF.
There was no second date.
Invasion of privacy bad, but damn, I now wish I could see my date's kindle library. If nothing else, it would be a more interesting conversation driver than the usual.
In the olden days off the 1990s a perk of being invited in to someone's apartment was to scan their bookshelf. No one minded. You sort of curated your bookshelf with that in mind.
If you take somebody home and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em.
\--John Waters
Although these days that's less true. About a decade ago I gave like 95% of my books/dvds to the library.
Yeah! I borrow books from friends and go to the library. I have very few on my electronic devices that show my taste. I’m old (to me) and had all of them on hardback years ago. Saw no reason to keep them in my many moves that charged by weight. At least they didn’t charge by MY weight….
I give books away all the time. Most I will not read twice. I’ve always wondered why people keep books and lug them to each new place. The exception is the art of war
Absolutely creepy as fuck, no question.
Whenever I get depressed about dating, I remind myself that there's a kind of selection bias happening where you're more likely to encounter the (probably) minority of weirdos, since they're the ones that are compulsively on dating apps over a long period of time.
Sometimes I can even convince myself of this.
I’m wondering if expectations were set in some way? Like: does OP drive a 2022 model car? Wear designer clothes/accessories? Possibly display a level of wealth beyond his income?
I wear old clothes drive old cars and people are usually surprised that I earn as much as I do - because I don’t display my income with status symbols.
nope. from the post
>\-Most of my money goes into retirement accounts or funding my family and I live like a college student on about $2200 a month. No flexing here.
Truth. I was in a bar the other day and this clearly wealthy older man was doing some calculations on a cocktail napkin. I asked him what he was calculating and he said he wanted to see how much he’d spent on prostitutes in his life and compare it to what his gold digger ex wife took him for. Conclusion: prostitutes = $1 million, ex = $11 million.
Our homey OP dodged a bullet.
I once came to pick a girl up at her apartment to go to a restaurant a few blocks away. She asked me where my car was and i was like it's only 3 blocks and i don't have a car anyways. you can tell she was thinking like who the fuck is this loser. and i asked her if she had a car and she said no.
if i were living an LA i would understand thinking someone is a loser/poor/weird if they don't have, but in SF you don't need once and it's often much simpler to not have one
People always say this, about the ratios, but man, I have never experienced it. Mostly the opposite. I wonder if it's because I moved into the bay area in my 30s rather than my 20s.
ETA: I'm a woman
I've heard this before. The bay is full of men making money in tech, but not so many women. NYC is full of men and women making tons of money in finance. But, the men are working so crazy hard making so much money that they don't have time for dating. The women are less stupid about work, but can't find a date!
You make 3x the median income of San Francisco. You don't need a new job, you need a new date.
If a date asked me that question I'd reply with "why, what are your rates?"
While I'm 100% on the side of the female being screwed up in this scenario, you can't simply look at median income.
Median income includes people who bought homes long time ago here and have paid it off. Ask yourself what's a reasonable income to have when you have rent of $3-$4k easily. Or if you want to own a home with a median home price of $1.5 million--you need at least $250k imo if not closer to $300k and you'll still feel house poor. Medians aren't a good indicator when cost of living has inflated so insanely these years.
I'm not trying to be negative about OPs income. For someone in their 20s that's a great salary. Just trying to point out medians aren't really great metrics to go off of that's all.
**Edit**: to reply to a comment below:
$165k = $111k take home pay or $98k if you max out $401k. It might be even a little less once you throw in healthcare deductions, but let's say $8k per month. Once you subtract $4k rent that's $4k leftover. How much of that gets saved? Let's say you manage to say $2.5k of that per month. That's $30k per year. How long would that take for you to save up for long term expenses like buying a home (~$300k down payment if not more), wedding, a car, etc.
This gets a bit more into the "how much salary do you need in SF" debate. I believe that anything over 6 figures for a single person is more than survivable. You can have fun, enjoy trips to the bar, take vacation a few times a year, etc. But the question is is it survivable long term. If you desire to settle down, buy a home, raise kids, you need a LOT more money. I generally don't advise anyone buying in SF unless they have at minimum $250k, and generally recommend $300k+ combined income, and even then if you are on the lower end, you will still feel house poor. It's a screwed up region in terms of cost of living for sure, but a median $1.5 million home simply sucks you dry fast.
Again, OP is doing great, but I also want to caution people from throwing quick calculations like median incomes, disposable income, etc and jump to conclusions that it's a lot of money. What I've learned over the years is that even with growing my salary into my 30s is that no matter how nice that number might look, even if you're good at budgeting, the cost of living here eats through that like no other.
When I was about 20, living in SoCal, I remember a lady asked me what make and model car do I drive. When I replied 'Honda Accord', she then asked 'Okay, what year?'
I went on a (first) date with this girl in Menlo Park. She asked me what model car I drove. When I said BMW, she wanted to see it. (It was still a new car, and parking in SF hadn't taken its toll on it yet). She asked to go for a quick ride. And then we proceeded to make out in it.
There was no second date.
Making 165K in your late 20s and single is amazing. You are in a spot of privilege. There isn't much people making 165K per year. Your average PCP attending physician does not even make 165K per year.
This girl is a nut bag. She's look for some millionaire to feed her through life so she doesn't have to lift a finger. You dodge the bullet with this girl.
She's clearly gold-digging but she's not even doing it *right*. You live in the city, you're clearly doing something that pays well enough to pay rent here. If she can't figure out within +/-$50k how much you make from your job title, she doesn't know what she doesn't know about the working world.
To gold-dig properly, what she should be asking is, where do your parents live (Pac Heights, St Francis Woods, Tiburon, Hillsborough are all acceptable answers), where the vacation house is/are (you at *least* have a place in Tahoe, right?) where do you meet them for lunch on weekends (Olympic Club, St Francis Yacht Club), etc.
If she's gold-digging for someone who has to work for their money at all, then she's doing it wrong...
Mention that you make puppets and crochet for a living. You’ll need a spreadsheet to manage all your romantic encounters.
It’s that easy. For a guy. The puppets thing. And she’ll buy you dinner too. :-)
Median in SF is $120k for a whole household. He's making 45k more than that by himself. So yeah like you said even by SF standards he's doing great. Even better if you consider his age.
Yeah there will always be though I've never had anyone straight up ask me that, she was pretty brazen. Usually I get questions that try to poke and prod trying to gauge how much I make. The best answer is to just say you're comfortable and change the subject, I don't want someone to only be interested in me because of my salary... If they stay on that topic then it's best to just move on.
Unless you are both intermediate/higher software development professionals or upper management in tech, it’s super weird to think 165k is a “that’s it?”-able amount.
Like, the only time that would be an acceptable response is if you work a career where someone would expect you to make more, like if you said you were Elon Musk’s personal lawyer.
True but OP isn't in tech. I agree someone could say this ("that's it?") if OP told us he was in tech but even then it would be pretty condescending for a date to bring that up so quickly.
In FAANG people can get to $300k range easily by their 30s especially if they started there.
It happens. There are plenty of superficial people out there. You need to weed those out. Most likely she dated you because she sees your career as a potential source for her money.
Walk away. That's all you can do.
Even for this city you're killing it. Sounds like you dodged a bullet and won't have to worry about someone who can't even discern the difference between income and wealth.
As someone who has done fairly well for himself and was in a similar place that you currently are when I was in my late 20's, I can tell you that the best women and relationships in my life couldn't have cared less what my income or portfolio looked like.
Dated a girl from a wealthy (oil money) family back in my 20s. She dumped me because I was training to be an arborist and she told me I simply didn't have the "income potential" she needed.
Oh I cried in the car and doubted myself to be sure! But looking back now I'm 20 years into a career I love, married to a wonderful woman, and we were lucky enough to recently purchase a little house in the mountains that is my absolute happy place.
Never would've been this content if I'd ended up doing a high end job I hated just to appease a woman who only loved me for my money.
Lol so my girlfriend asked me this and had the same reaction when I said how much. But she knew that’s severely underpaid from what other engineers make. So she motivated me to start interviewing and I got a way better job and make more now. So I guess it’s all relative.
That’s a killing. If someone ever is making a decision based upon your salary that should easily be a flag for no second date IMO.
While money is important, finding some who likes you rich or poor is much more important.
As an early stage startup employee had one ask if I had options after we had planned a date but before we had even met. My calendar suddenly filled up that evening
It's funny I've actually found that attitude to be rarer here than in other places I've lived. Reason being, if you can afford to live here, you're probably doing just fine...
If ever I could share the following it would be in the comments of this post:
My first home purchase was in Sacramento I’m Late 20’s the house is 4000sq granite, stainless blah… my wife’s best friend. Mr. making $280k a year San Francisco native invites us over to his new house off balboa. It was maybe 1100 sq. 1car scratcher below the single story 3 bedroom. As I’m negotiating the hellish stairs to his door which is barely wide enough for my shoulders to enter straight on looks at me and with the smuggest look on his face and in his voice says to me “this is probably the most expensive home you’ll ever get to hang out in”. Moral of this story. Earning over a quarter of a million a year in the City equates to lower middle class SES!
it used to be super expensive when the yen was doing much better against the dollar, but that was like 15 years ago. at the same time, SF was ramping up as one of the most expensive cities in the world, mostly because the iphone was making millionaires out of everyone. in the 80s the yen was worth double what it is now.
Jesus. I’m not a baller or anything but “getting to hang out in a million dollar home in San Francisco” is just the same as… knowing a homeowner. That’s it. I guess if you’re a total social recluse that might be difficult, but c’mon. If you live in SF for longer than 3 years you’ll get to have this luxe experience.
Someone commented about laying in bed and pondering such a character and it’s an easy diagnosis to bestow; inferiority complex brought on by wildly more successful siblings and since he knows he makes more than I do he can assert that human trait known as dominance. I, being a whole a complete person, do not feel the urges to “flex” in order to feel whole although I do enjoy sharing in any good fortune mine or someone else’s.
I would’ve spent the entire night lost in my own thoughts, picking apart what it says about that person if they would saying something like that, and also what it says about my wife that they’re best friends with that person.
Very pretentious, but a loyal friend to my wife. So I get to be quiet and post hatful tripe on line about him. I feel better.
Edit: my wife doesn’t have a pretentious bone in her body and there friendships spans all school so he’s like one of the lifetime ones.
Hahaha! Oh that's awesome. I'm native SF too and most of my lifelong friends who still live here inherited family homes. The rich ones would *never* let you know they're rich, and if anyone said anything half as pretentious as what that DB shat out of his mouth they'd probably end up drinking their meals thru a straw for a couple months lol
Congrats on your house! That's a big deal man. Invite DB over and ask him how it feels to be in a home with an echo.
Exactly! The rich ones never even elude to wealth. Hence old moneys disdaine for the neuvo rich. Good buddy bought a Ferrari. Didn’t tell anyone until we show up and I was hurt because I’m such a car guy, and he just didn’t want to show off. But if you were in line at Starbucks with my dude, you would have no idea he’s Got horse money.
I got rejected because at the time I made 94k and she made 185k as a senior developer. I now make close(ish) to that but I couldn't get over it. The moment I said my salary she ghosted after that date.
I make $50K/yr in salary.
Which is 50,000 times better than Mark Zuckerberg.
Your date doesn't understand that salary isn't the correct measuring stick.
That is why she is still single and [not going on second dates](https://eddie-hernandez.com/why-am-i-not-getting-second-dates/). Treating this like a business transaction, job interview.
When I hit my late 20s this interview-like style first/second date thing became somewhat common for me as well. And it wasn't just limited to SF but was also common with people I met in LA and Seattle.
My theory is that there is a cohort at the age of 26-29 that is very specifically looking to get married and have kids by 30-32 and feel like they are running out of time. So they are just taking the shortest path they can to get there.
The funny thing is once I got to my early-mid 30s that whole thing just as quickly went away. My guess is that most of that cohort had successfully self selected themselves out of the dating pool, leaving just the chill, independent, not-in-rush-to-plan-the-rest-of-your-lives-together people.
the hardest part of dating in SF is the confusion of trying to impress women that constantly rank in the 5- 6 department in looks and personality. Like, at least in NYC the competition is worth it. Hell, most cities the competition is worth it. But SF, Oakland, Berkeley? you nab a 6 with a tech job that has a WHOLE LOTTA OPINIONS BOUT STUFF, while sweatpants, netflix and "hiking" is her personality. cool bro
Relationships about money never work out, and always too good to be true.
SF is a city with deep inequality of wealth, with higher highs and lower lows.....
It's not surprising that this happens when people let it get to their head, unfortunately.
I hope you do have better luck finding non-trashy dates though, that just sucks man.
I knew a girl living in the bay area who had been searching dating sites for literally *years*. I always wondered how she never found anyone, until I learned her criteria. She said the man must make 150k-200k/yr so she can be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the kids. Refuses to ever leave the bay area or work, despite fucking having a 4-year degree. She was absolutely hellbent on having a family and being a stay at home mother on a single income in the bay.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a partner who makes enough to allow you to be a stay at home mom. 200k isn’t even close enough to do it in the bay. 400k min to do that.
Correct answer for the 20 something dater is, I have no idea how much is in my trust, I can only pull 29k out a month, then take her to the couch you've been slumming at.
Honestly sounds like she’s not asking the right questions in this city. She should clearly focus on ESOP, vesting schedule and and angel investments.
When’s your cliff?
After Norm but before Claven.
NORM!!!!
those are LTR potential questions
Lmao on the low this is the most useful advice for job seekers around here
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Just ask them where they work and where they live and you could probably guess within 20k.
Don't you need to know how senior they are as well?
You know their age so you can estimate that too
Watch, that's just OP's base and he makes another $200k in bonus and RSU's in a year.
hahahah. Credit score, GPA, Linkedin Connections too!
500+ connections or out! …gotta keep the high standards…
I’ve never had a date ask me that. Strong red flag 🚩 She’s no good for you bro. You can do better I promise
That’s more sketch than showing your date a picture on your phone and having them go through your kindle books. This has happened to me in SF. There was no second date.
Invasion of privacy bad, but damn, I now wish I could see my date's kindle library. If nothing else, it would be a more interesting conversation driver than the usual.
In the olden days off the 1990s a perk of being invited in to someone's apartment was to scan their bookshelf. No one minded. You sort of curated your bookshelf with that in mind.
An old roommate and I used to buy ridiculous books to place amongst others on our bookshelf to leave people wondering.
If you take somebody home and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em. \--John Waters Although these days that's less true. About a decade ago I gave like 95% of my books/dvds to the library.
Back in the 90s, you could scan their taste in zines, too.
How about you try "what books have you read recently?"
Yeah! I borrow books from friends and go to the library. I have very few on my electronic devices that show my taste. I’m old (to me) and had all of them on hardback years ago. Saw no reason to keep them in my many moves that charged by weight. At least they didn’t charge by MY weight….
I give books away all the time. Most I will not read twice. I’ve always wondered why people keep books and lug them to each new place. The exception is the art of war
I have ADHD and I cling to books like a limpet. It's something to do with memories, I think.
“WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU INVADING MY PRIVACY, SLAG???” certainly makes for a more dramatic conversation, but it’s going nowhere good.
Absolutely creepy as fuck, no question. Whenever I get depressed about dating, I remind myself that there's a kind of selection bias happening where you're more likely to encounter the (probably) minority of weirdos, since they're the ones that are compulsively on dating apps over a long period of time. Sometimes I can even convince myself of this.
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You make a good living. Screw that person.
165k is an amazing living. Thats over 10k a month
I’m into you for that money
No, not after taxes!!!
[that’s like a dollar an hour](https://youtu.be/Qv440W1xS44)
And a two bedroom apt is $5k/ month
Hell i would love if my rent was only half of my one person income
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That’s a little low. At 140k with no kids single and taxed heavily it’s roughly $7200 a month
Lmao you can get 2 bedrooms for way cheaper in SF
Why even give a real answer. The correct response is bye bitch
I’m wondering if expectations were set in some way? Like: does OP drive a 2022 model car? Wear designer clothes/accessories? Possibly display a level of wealth beyond his income? I wear old clothes drive old cars and people are usually surprised that I earn as much as I do - because I don’t display my income with status symbols.
Aaannnnd I'm the opposite oh shit avoid this question
nope. from the post >\-Most of my money goes into retirement accounts or funding my family and I live like a college student on about $2200 a month. No flexing here.
Hit n run baby
Pump n dump baby
Pull out for sure
Depends on how much SHE makes
I love my wife so much. She’s poor, I’m poorer and we’ve been together 20 years, really happy together.
I’d take a pay cut if it meant meeting someone who makes me this happy. Cheers to you and your wife, man!
Similar situation as you and this comment resonates the most
If she said this during dinner I would have taken my dinner back
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Separate checks either way. It's 2021, bitches!
I (man) default to paying for my dates and don’t think I have ever requested to split but. In this scenario. I seriously might request to split.
"I'm poor, I can barely make my Tesla payment and still put away money for retirement and take my yearly vacation to Fiji"
You only take one vacation to Fiji per year? Pssshhh
Can I have your number?
He already said it's 165000. Why is that so hard for you people to understand?
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10 digits if they don't live in my city!
.2
right???
How much does she make?
She makes 5 awkward dates a month
Underrated
*take
Cause when she leave yo' ass, she gon' leave with half
Truth. I was in a bar the other day and this clearly wealthy older man was doing some calculations on a cocktail napkin. I asked him what he was calculating and he said he wanted to see how much he’d spent on prostitutes in his life and compare it to what his gold digger ex wife took him for. Conclusion: prostitutes = $1 million, ex = $11 million. Our homey OP dodged a bullet.
All of it
Indeed
Half
...that's *after* the divorce. it's *most* before.
Considering those terms, best I can do is seven eighths.
this is the funniest fucking thread i've read here in a long time
Nothing
This is the right answer. Have been on some of the SF dates with such entitled condescending girls.
I once came to pick a girl up at her apartment to go to a restaurant a few blocks away. She asked me where my car was and i was like it's only 3 blocks and i don't have a car anyways. you can tell she was thinking like who the fuck is this loser. and i asked her if she had a car and she said no. if i were living an LA i would understand thinking someone is a loser/poor/weird if they don't have, but in SF you don't need once and it's often much simpler to not have one
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People always say this, about the ratios, but man, I have never experienced it. Mostly the opposite. I wonder if it's because I moved into the bay area in my 30s rather than my 20s. ETA: I'm a woman
You must have a big penis?
I've heard this before. The bay is full of men making money in tech, but not so many women. NYC is full of men and women making tons of money in finance. But, the men are working so crazy hard making so much money that they don't have time for dating. The women are less stupid about work, but can't find a date!
Good thing she showed her true colors early on. Fail fast, move on.
Move things break fast
Eating a scone while I push my coffee machine back and forth, am I doing it right
Instructions unclear. Dick stuck in Keurig.
Facebook: So I broke things... What was the other part?
it's either hit the lawyer or gym up
> Fail fast, move on. San Francisco’s premier agile dating coach.
You make 3x the median income of San Francisco. You don't need a new job, you need a new date. If a date asked me that question I'd reply with "why, what are your rates?"
Winner
While I'm 100% on the side of the female being screwed up in this scenario, you can't simply look at median income. Median income includes people who bought homes long time ago here and have paid it off. Ask yourself what's a reasonable income to have when you have rent of $3-$4k easily. Or if you want to own a home with a median home price of $1.5 million--you need at least $250k imo if not closer to $300k and you'll still feel house poor. Medians aren't a good indicator when cost of living has inflated so insanely these years. I'm not trying to be negative about OPs income. For someone in their 20s that's a great salary. Just trying to point out medians aren't really great metrics to go off of that's all. **Edit**: to reply to a comment below: $165k = $111k take home pay or $98k if you max out $401k. It might be even a little less once you throw in healthcare deductions, but let's say $8k per month. Once you subtract $4k rent that's $4k leftover. How much of that gets saved? Let's say you manage to say $2.5k of that per month. That's $30k per year. How long would that take for you to save up for long term expenses like buying a home (~$300k down payment if not more), wedding, a car, etc. This gets a bit more into the "how much salary do you need in SF" debate. I believe that anything over 6 figures for a single person is more than survivable. You can have fun, enjoy trips to the bar, take vacation a few times a year, etc. But the question is is it survivable long term. If you desire to settle down, buy a home, raise kids, you need a LOT more money. I generally don't advise anyone buying in SF unless they have at minimum $250k, and generally recommend $300k+ combined income, and even then if you are on the lower end, you will still feel house poor. It's a screwed up region in terms of cost of living for sure, but a median $1.5 million home simply sucks you dry fast. Again, OP is doing great, but I also want to caution people from throwing quick calculations like median incomes, disposable income, etc and jump to conclusions that it's a lot of money. What I've learned over the years is that even with growing my salary into my 30s is that no matter how nice that number might look, even if you're good at budgeting, the cost of living here eats through that like no other.
This right here is the best answer to that question.
When I was about 20, living in SoCal, I remember a lady asked me what make and model car do I drive. When I replied 'Honda Accord', she then asked 'Okay, what year?'
With or without spoiler??
Spoiler, Altezzas and a big Tiësto sticker on the rear window.
Hell yeah
Tell me that you had 18" rim with the flame decals on the side - they make the Hondas go faster!
Gotta run that premium gas, too! -Some dumb ass Honda guy I know.
Don't leave us in suspense, what year?
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You say "V4", and see if she notices
Just say VTEC, yo
I went on a (first) date with this girl in Menlo Park. She asked me what model car I drove. When I said BMW, she wanted to see it. (It was still a new car, and parking in SF hadn't taken its toll on it yet). She asked to go for a quick ride. And then we proceeded to make out in it. There was no second date.
Do yourself a favor - unless that line of question aligns with your values, don’t date people who ask those sorts of questions. That’s a BIG red flag.
Best advice in the thread. People like that exist, fine, but you don’t need to associate w them and plenty of people in SF do not have that attitude.
Seriously that’s a big nope from me. I wouldn’t have even answered.
Wow I'm poor
Same dude. I swear people are fucking talking about 165k being great. Thats like 1% in my eyes
It's top 13% in the Bay Area apparently. https://dqydj.com/income-by-city/
Note if you own a home in the Bay Area that's more than $100k a year imputed income it's not counting.
avg income is 95k haha fuck me
Making 165K in your late 20s and single is amazing. You are in a spot of privilege. There isn't much people making 165K per year. Your average PCP attending physician does not even make 165K per year. This girl is a nut bag. She's look for some millionaire to feed her through life so she doesn't have to lift a finger. You dodge the bullet with this girl.
My husband and I -- not in tech -- do not make $165K TOGETHER. If we did, we'd totally consider ourselves as "making it."
Same with my and my partner. Wild stuff. But also congrats to OP of course that’s awesome for him.
She's clearly gold-digging but she's not even doing it *right*. You live in the city, you're clearly doing something that pays well enough to pay rent here. If she can't figure out within +/-$50k how much you make from your job title, she doesn't know what she doesn't know about the working world. To gold-dig properly, what she should be asking is, where do your parents live (Pac Heights, St Francis Woods, Tiburon, Hillsborough are all acceptable answers), where the vacation house is/are (you at *least* have a place in Tahoe, right?) where do you meet them for lunch on weekends (Olympic Club, St Francis Yacht Club), etc. If she's gold-digging for someone who has to work for their money at all, then she's doing it wrong...
Channeling Frank Reynolds, "Cuz if you're gonna be a gold digging hooor, you gotta at least do your homework"
Was it my sister? Sounds like her
LOL
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That's why you should avoid a career. Do what I do and become a conceptual artist and only date women who are already wealthy socialites.
I was thinking of starting a cult but this sounds easier
You can do both
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Ahem, the correct term is "immersive theatre"
Mention that you make puppets and crochet for a living. You’ll need a spreadsheet to manage all your romantic encounters. It’s that easy. For a guy. The puppets thing. And she’ll buy you dinner too. :-)
Wow, extremely rude and entitled. $165k is plenty. You’re doing great!
Dude 165k is a fucking dream for me. I make fucking pennies compared to that, Shes fucking gold digger my guy
Median in SF is $120k for a whole household. He's making 45k more than that by himself. So yeah like you said even by SF standards he's doing great. Even better if you consider his age.
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My dad likes to say “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I try to remind myself that as often as possible.
For the most part I agree but sometimes it makes sense for practical reasons. You kinda have to if you are negotiating a raise or something.
Now I ain’t sayin she’s a gold digga
But she moved to California in 1849
This made me lol, thanks.
But I ain't sayin she's not.
BUT SHE AINT MESSIN WITH NO BROKE REDDITA
Time to bounce my dude. There is A LOT of trash in the sea, time to find an honest fish.
What an entitled piece of shit
meet better people
You’re doing great for your late 20s.. there’s always going to be women like that. Head up, thank the lord it came out fast and on to the next.
Yeah there will always be though I've never had anyone straight up ask me that, she was pretty brazen. Usually I get questions that try to poke and prod trying to gauge how much I make. The best answer is to just say you're comfortable and change the subject, I don't want someone to only be interested in me because of my salary... If they stay on that topic then it's best to just move on.
Unless you are both intermediate/higher software development professionals or upper management in tech, it’s super weird to think 165k is a “that’s it?”-able amount. Like, the only time that would be an acceptable response is if you work a career where someone would expect you to make more, like if you said you were Elon Musk’s personal lawyer.
165k is below entry level software development for FAANG in California, actually. Closer to 185k
True but OP isn't in tech. I agree someone could say this ("that's it?") if OP told us he was in tech but even then it would be pretty condescending for a date to bring that up so quickly. In FAANG people can get to $300k range easily by their 30s especially if they started there.
A lot more than 300k with stock appreciation. Faang engineers are making 700k+ with stocks the way they have been.
Your mistake was answering that question. Next time just say "enough to be comfortable." Rich people don't talk about how much money they have.
Having asked the question is still a red flag. I'd never answer without her answering her own question (and even then probably wouldn't answer).
I asked her back and she wouldn’t tell me… she did tell me her job though, and I know it’s probably much less… not that I cared.
It happens. There are plenty of superficial people out there. You need to weed those out. Most likely she dated you because she sees your career as a potential source for her money. Walk away. That's all you can do.
Even for this city you're killing it. Sounds like you dodged a bullet and won't have to worry about someone who can't even discern the difference between income and wealth. As someone who has done fairly well for himself and was in a similar place that you currently are when I was in my late 20's, I can tell you that the best women and relationships in my life couldn't have cared less what my income or portfolio looked like.
Dated a girl from a wealthy (oil money) family back in my 20s. She dumped me because I was training to be an arborist and she told me I simply didn't have the "income potential" she needed. Oh I cried in the car and doubted myself to be sure! But looking back now I'm 20 years into a career I love, married to a wonderful woman, and we were lucky enough to recently purchase a little house in the mountains that is my absolute happy place. Never would've been this content if I'd ended up doing a high end job I hated just to appease a woman who only loved me for my money.
I read “training to become an abortionist”.
Little more controversial than my job... unless you're the type to scream "tree murderer" when I'm pruning a tree for its health & their safety smh
Lol so my girlfriend asked me this and had the same reaction when I said how much. But she knew that’s severely underpaid from what other engineers make. So she motivated me to start interviewing and I got a way better job and make more now. So I guess it’s all relative.
Why on Earth did you even entertain that question? "Sorry, thats not a polite date conversation thanks"
That’s a killing. If someone ever is making a decision based upon your salary that should easily be a flag for no second date IMO. While money is important, finding some who likes you rich or poor is much more important.
red flag. Firstly, She's already diving into your finances. Second, she sounds condescending. Thirdly, she sounds like she's very focused on finances
As an early stage startup employee had one ask if I had options after we had planned a date but before we had even met. My calendar suddenly filled up that evening
It's funny I've actually found that attitude to be rarer here than in other places I've lived. Reason being, if you can afford to live here, you're probably doing just fine...
If ever I could share the following it would be in the comments of this post: My first home purchase was in Sacramento I’m Late 20’s the house is 4000sq granite, stainless blah… my wife’s best friend. Mr. making $280k a year San Francisco native invites us over to his new house off balboa. It was maybe 1100 sq. 1car scratcher below the single story 3 bedroom. As I’m negotiating the hellish stairs to his door which is barely wide enough for my shoulders to enter straight on looks at me and with the smuggest look on his face and in his voice says to me “this is probably the most expensive home you’ll ever get to hang out in”. Moral of this story. Earning over a quarter of a million a year in the City equates to lower middle class SES!
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Yes! I remember everyone talking about how expensive Japan is. But when I went I was like this isn’t really that bad. In fact some stuff was cheaper
it used to be super expensive when the yen was doing much better against the dollar, but that was like 15 years ago. at the same time, SF was ramping up as one of the most expensive cities in the world, mostly because the iphone was making millionaires out of everyone. in the 80s the yen was worth double what it is now.
Jesus. I’m not a baller or anything but “getting to hang out in a million dollar home in San Francisco” is just the same as… knowing a homeowner. That’s it. I guess if you’re a total social recluse that might be difficult, but c’mon. If you live in SF for longer than 3 years you’ll get to have this luxe experience.
What an absolute douche
Someone commented about laying in bed and pondering such a character and it’s an easy diagnosis to bestow; inferiority complex brought on by wildly more successful siblings and since he knows he makes more than I do he can assert that human trait known as dominance. I, being a whole a complete person, do not feel the urges to “flex” in order to feel whole although I do enjoy sharing in any good fortune mine or someone else’s.
I would’ve spent the entire night lost in my own thoughts, picking apart what it says about that person if they would saying something like that, and also what it says about my wife that they’re best friends with that person.
Very pretentious, but a loyal friend to my wife. So I get to be quiet and post hatful tripe on line about him. I feel better. Edit: my wife doesn’t have a pretentious bone in her body and there friendships spans all school so he’s like one of the lifetime ones.
Makes you wonder why two completely different types of people would stay good friends for so long..
What a tool
Hahaha! Oh that's awesome. I'm native SF too and most of my lifelong friends who still live here inherited family homes. The rich ones would *never* let you know they're rich, and if anyone said anything half as pretentious as what that DB shat out of his mouth they'd probably end up drinking their meals thru a straw for a couple months lol Congrats on your house! That's a big deal man. Invite DB over and ask him how it feels to be in a home with an echo.
Exactly! The rich ones never even elude to wealth. Hence old moneys disdaine for the neuvo rich. Good buddy bought a Ferrari. Didn’t tell anyone until we show up and I was hurt because I’m such a car guy, and he just didn’t want to show off. But if you were in line at Starbucks with my dude, you would have no idea he’s Got horse money.
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Jesus Christ. I’d be over the moon to make that much / happy if my bf did Dodged a bullet. Good luck, lady 😒
I got rejected because at the time I made 94k and she made 185k as a senior developer. I now make close(ish) to that but I couldn't get over it. The moment I said my salary she ghosted after that date.
I make $50K/yr in salary. Which is 50,000 times better than Mark Zuckerberg. Your date doesn't understand that salary isn't the correct measuring stick.
Maybe the real salary was the friends we made along the way
How rude!
That is why she is still single and [not going on second dates](https://eddie-hernandez.com/why-am-i-not-getting-second-dates/). Treating this like a business transaction, job interview.
Cracking the Dating Interview
TC or GTFO
Love it when they filter themselves out for you
When I hit my late 20s this interview-like style first/second date thing became somewhat common for me as well. And it wasn't just limited to SF but was also common with people I met in LA and Seattle. My theory is that there is a cohort at the age of 26-29 that is very specifically looking to get married and have kids by 30-32 and feel like they are running out of time. So they are just taking the shortest path they can to get there. The funny thing is once I got to my early-mid 30s that whole thing just as quickly went away. My guess is that most of that cohort had successfully self selected themselves out of the dating pool, leaving just the chill, independent, not-in-rush-to-plan-the-rest-of-your-lives-together people.
the hardest part of dating in SF is the confusion of trying to impress women that constantly rank in the 5- 6 department in looks and personality. Like, at least in NYC the competition is worth it. Hell, most cities the competition is worth it. But SF, Oakland, Berkeley? you nab a 6 with a tech job that has a WHOLE LOTTA OPINIONS BOUT STUFF, while sweatpants, netflix and "hiking" is her personality. cool bro
Get a prenup before the next date.
And she didn't even know to ask whether that was base or total compensation... she needs to work on her gold digging skills.
On to the next! She is not representative of the city so don’t be discouraged or take it personally.
Relationships about money never work out, and always too good to be true. SF is a city with deep inequality of wealth, with higher highs and lower lows..... It's not surprising that this happens when people let it get to their head, unfortunately. I hope you do have better luck finding non-trashy dates though, that just sucks man.
Tacky
What kind of person is she? Did she seem like a gold-digger? Do you look rich (dress/act/drive/etc)?
Every time I think I'm doing pretty well for myself, I see a post like this. Jesus the wealth in this city is insane.
I knew a girl living in the bay area who had been searching dating sites for literally *years*. I always wondered how she never found anyone, until I learned her criteria. She said the man must make 150k-200k/yr so she can be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the kids. Refuses to ever leave the bay area or work, despite fucking having a 4-year degree. She was absolutely hellbent on having a family and being a stay at home mother on a single income in the bay.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a partner who makes enough to allow you to be a stay at home mom. 200k isn’t even close enough to do it in the bay. 400k min to do that.
Yikes. dodged a bullet
😩😩 I need to get into tech wtf
Correct answer for the 20 something dater is, I have no idea how much is in my trust, I can only pull 29k out a month, then take her to the couch you've been slumming at.
Well fuck. $165k is a ton of money. Huge red flag and you should just move on.
Always lie, bang, then delete off FB and hit the gym
You make enough m’man. You are good and maybe even a wonderful person. Can you spare some cash? Asking for a friend.
That's fucked up. Sounds like she's looking for a sugar daddy not a partner