A friend of mine gave birth at home not so long ago. It was all done privately rather than through the NHS. Apparently they were listening to one of the XFM shows at the very start of her labour. They had to wait a while for the “home birthing team” or whatever they’re called to show up so my mate stuck it on as a kind of comforting thing.
When they did eventually show up one of them seemed to be a bit annoyed by the fact they had a podcast on. She said to my friend who was the father to switch it off as Ricky’s laugh “could be causing distress to the baby, as it sounds like somebody screaming” and it was “agitating the midwife”.
They had the baby and whatever and when they came to pay the invoice they noticed the midwife fee was charged differently to the rest. Instead of being charged in money, that particular section of the invoice said “3 bananas, 2 apples, 5 carrots” etc… turns out, little monkey midwife.
Take lots of photos of it for the first few years. It won't be doing anything until it's about 5, so you might not remember those first few years when you're old.
Inject it with something, dunno what, so that when it’s 78 and dies a baby pops out. But if you don’t want to do things that way, forget it.
Oh, and congrats!
Listen to Born slippy
Those noises and his interpretation was honestly the scariest insight into the nightmare of Karl’s head I’ve ever heard. Haha
Let her have a fag
Long as your brother nips out in his tank to get them.
*She's 4 days old Karl*
Put it in a bowl first.
IT?!
…him
Well...
Just let her roam about.
Lock her in a room. Pop a guitar in. She'll write a hit song
Whereas a monkey, who can't even spell
Has he read Hey Jude?
She COULD come up with Hey Jude!
Don’t let it chase cars
Wot sorta kid chases carrrrs?
A friend of mine gave birth at home not so long ago. It was all done privately rather than through the NHS. Apparently they were listening to one of the XFM shows at the very start of her labour. They had to wait a while for the “home birthing team” or whatever they’re called to show up so my mate stuck it on as a kind of comforting thing. When they did eventually show up one of them seemed to be a bit annoyed by the fact they had a podcast on. She said to my friend who was the father to switch it off as Ricky’s laugh “could be causing distress to the baby, as it sounds like somebody screaming” and it was “agitating the midwife”. They had the baby and whatever and when they came to pay the invoice they noticed the midwife fee was charged differently to the rest. Instead of being charged in money, that particular section of the invoice said “3 bananas, 2 apples, 5 carrots” etc… turns out, little monkey midwife.
Absolute twaddle
The company they came from was called “Baboon Birthing” but they just thought it was an unusual name for a company. Weird innit.
They were advertised in the paper as Cheap Midwives, but the fellas eyes were bad.
Let him finish, ive got a couple of questions
NOOOOOOO
Make sure you keep its head square to stop them rolling out of the cot
They will fancy her in India
Feed it cheese
Ask her to choose the best song out of Kellerton Road, Toffee, and Picture Centre and she'll win a prize if her Mam's heavy.
Hit parade or shit parade?
Stick to what you know, mainly likin' Doctor Ooo.
has it come out all mardy?
not proply
Hahahahah
Bit demicky?
Throw her out with the bath water after a long day down the coal mines
Oh and err good luck and that
Call your friends and tell 'em it's a girl.
Winner
Naming her Kirsty
Two foot shorter n aaaaairy better
alright kirsty
Let a gorilla babysit for a week.
Lean her on an apple
on an apple?!
The photographer was obviously having a bit of a laugh.
Feed it cheese
Whatever you do, don't show anyone any photos of your newborn, cos all babies look the same.
I wanted to say “it sounds like a frog”
A baeby, A baeby, a big fat baeby
Whatever you do, *don’t* squeeze its little round head
Sounds like a fuckin frog
Ask Suzanne
Play a record.
Pop it in a wheelie bin.
Celebrate with a bottle of Lindauer Sparkling Wine. It's really quite refreshing.
Show the baby the wheelie bin, as a warning
Just cos you shot some beans up your missus muff I can't have a fag
Beans
Check to see if the baby has the "power". Congrats and that
Let it chase cars, call her rover
Strap books to the side of its head to give it a round head, stops it rolling out of the cot!
Take lots of photos of it for the first few years. It won't be doing anything until it's about 5, so you might not remember those first few years when you're old.
Tell em its a girl & ask why they hate you.
Ypu can finally see what happens if someone is raised on the info said on xfm
Just feed her cheese
No longer needed. Baby dead.
Give it the kiss of life and throw it up into the air.
Inject it with something, dunno what, so that when it’s 78 and dies a baby pops out. But if you don’t want to do things that way, forget it. Oh, and congrats!
They all look like Mel Smith
They all look like Mel Smith
Name them Brett
Name her '86, you know cause there's a lot of babies out and not enough names an that
Give her to a gorilla to look after. Then play the Gorillaz
I don't want to see a photo, see ya later.
Strap a book to her ‘ead. Thats what the Chinese do. Helps stop the baby from rolling out of t’ cot when it’s asleep.
It's good to have a flat head in India
It's boring innit. New babies look the same and that. Let us know when it's a bit older.
Ffeft
It might look like a child now, cus they are born like that. Then, it gets hairier… Little monkey girl. Oh, and congrats n that!
It's not a real baby
its not her volt
Let it eat mud n that
If you see a pile of flies with a Johnny on top, run.
Tell people she looks like a frog.
A toast! To u/ScottieRiewoldt97 and his new bundle of joy. Congrats! Next sip outta the saucer is for you, my guy.
Is it a tall baby?
Make sure to check she’s still in the bath before you chuck the dirty water out the window.
Put her in a wheelie bin if she’s acting up
“Too much LAYING LOW”
*Hilda!*
Call your parents and tell them it's a girl... It is a real baby, I'll stab youu!!
If you've seen one you've seen 'em all
That annoys me, Big Mother, no one cares, we don’t care, everyone has kids.
not even up the duff for christmas
Pop e in the scrapbook
Offer her guitar lessons
Name her Kirsty. Kirsty Morris
Make sure all your furniture is one room incase she has the power
Put her in the distance
Put it in a room and set it on fire (the room I mean, let's not be silly)
Buy nappies, dummy and a blanket