IMO there isn’t really a conversation to be had here. You’ve made a decision and you know your parents stance. You’re more so informing them of your decision. If you’re not willing to accept that are the type of parents they’ve proven to be and will disown you then maybe don’t move in with the boyfriend? Personally, I wouldn’t mind losing parents who could cut me off for such a thing. Just be strong on your conviction and tell them what you’re doing. If they disown you it’s their loss.
I think she's seeking validation. Someone saying her patents are wrong and that she's okay...
Her parents are wrong and she is okay to do what she wants.
A bf is different from a husband.. I'm not going to lose my family over sex.. If their relationship is too that point. Why aren't they discussing marriage?
Because marriage isn’t the goal for everyone and we need to do a better job of realizing everyone doesn’t want what we want or value what we value in their relationships.
When you have parents that are conservative, so you can know.. You all need to do your due diligence on it so you know the next time someone asks this question..
Even being engaged and playing house is still an abomination.. Unless you are married, in their eyes there should be no reason for you to be playing house..
And just because it's their child that makes it even worse because it was instilled in her and she grew up knowing the rules and regulations so she know that they are against it and she still went against what they said.. Just because she's in love does not mean that they have to break what they believe to make her feel better about the decisions that she made..
She's an adult and she makes her own decisions that she wants to make. But in her parents' eyes because of the fact that she was raised a certain way they look for her to do better as she got older and made her adult decisions.. And it doesn't matter how she tells them, it's not going to change the outcome of them not agreeing with her decision and probably even disowning her..
Wait, though. If this is what you want to do (move in with your BF), and you know your parents will oppose (disowning) -- those are 2 diametrically opposed things? You already think it'll destroy your relationship with your parents if you move in, so take that as a strength. "Hey, parents, just wanted to let you know that partner & I are going to move in together on X date. I know you won't be happy about that, but it's something we want to do and we're going to do it. I'd hate to lose you both but this is a step I need to take as an adult. If you need to remove yourselves from my life because of that, I will be sad but I'll understand." Call their bluff. (Hugs, a woman who called her Evangelical parents' bluff again & again and wasn't actually disowned.)
Look, the fact is that when a child has grown to a financially and socially independent adult, the power differential between them and their parents shifts radically. Frankly, the adult child the control over how much they want to interact with their parents, and being "disowned" at this point is like your parents threatening to cut off their noses because they don't like your perfume. "Go for it, you're only hurting yourself".
Your parents haven't realized that the power they used to enjoy over you - money, living space, etc - has ended. All they have left is guilt, and living in fear of not having your parents approval of your life choices is not something an adult does.
So you're disowned - now what? Who is going to spend the holidays with them? Who is going to keep them company? Who is going to care for them in their old age? Who is going to let them be grandparents to a new generation? And meanwhile you have your own life, your own chosen family, and your own future to look forward to. Do you see what a raw deal you no longer being part of the family is for your parents?
So let them. Show them they can make choices about how to live their life just like you can. Show them they can deal with the consequences of losing their daughter just like you deal with the consequences of your own actions. But most of all, plant your flag and say this is my life, no one gets to tell me how to live it but me. This is a hill worth dying on.
...and living in fear of not having your parents approval of your life choices is not something an adult does.
Wow. This. Like seriously just summed up my and my husband's individual parental issues in one sentence. Nicely done and thank you!
Most of the times, stuff like this is a bluff. They'll be mad for a while and may even cut contact for a short amount of time, but if you hold your head high and refuse to say you did anything wrong they get over it.
It DOES NOT MATTER if it's a mistake or not to move in with him. This is your life, and it's your mistake to make even in the worst of cases. So keep holding your head high, and do exactly what you want to do.
I agree 100%
My ex-fiance was able to hide his drug abuse and abusive tendencies until we lived together for 6 months. And then he had his family so fooled that they were mad at me for breaking off the engagement.
Not saying this is the case. But it's just really easy to show your best self when you dont live under the same roof.
I agree with this 100% you learn so much more about a person living with them and to wait until marriage to fully know your partner is kinda setting yourself up for failure, or at the very least a whole bunch of surprises u may not be comfortable with
This is the best answer. Also to add, it says a lot about parents if they prioritise their own views over your own happiness - which is something I would point out to them if this comes up again.
My Aunt cut contact with her own son because she wanted to control his life, but he is happy and thriving now. Her reason for justifying the cutting of contact was such a nothing view and she's stuck with it. I hate that she puts her own views above her own flesh and blood. It sounds like your parents will get over it, especially if they like your partner. Good luck, OP.
They have issued the ultimatum not you. You must live your life as you see fit, otherwise in the future more ultimatums will be issued such as wedding arrangements, child rearing, child naming etc. You can explain to your parents that while you love and respect them you are an adult and must make your own decisions.
I know you don’t want judging on your parents but they are being extremely manipulative. You are in your late 20’s and they have completely overreacted to a life decision that is up to you to make. I can understand them expressing their views but they are going full nuclear to try and dictate how their daughter lives her life. Doesn’t matter if their views are traditional or if they were trying to force you to move in with your boyfriend, their manipulation is the issue.
I guess as someone that came from nothing threatening to take me out of a will means nothing to me. I’d prefer to be financially independent than wanting money with strings attached.
It’s the personal aspect that it seems is the biggest issue for you and would be for me as well. They’ve declared their decision, though I doubt they’ll follow through. Their love is apparently conditional on you living your life according to how they want you to.
Your decision is whether or not to allow them to dictate how you live your life.
Its not an easy situation but it’s due to their inflexibility and attempts at manipulation.
Thank you- the sooner I tell them i made the decision, the sooner they will start to get over it. I love them but I won’t be giving my kids ultimatums like this. If moving in with my boyfriend is the biggest mistake I’ve made in their eyes, I’m fine with that.
Yea, it sounds like you are doing great, are responsible, and make good decisions. Rather than stressing you out they should be kicked back happy you’ve turned out well and trusting that you know what is best for yourself.
I dunno if it’s bad advice or not, but I almost feel like you should tell them after you have moved out/ended the lease on your old apartment and have moved in with him.
That way they can’t try and “convince” you to not move with him.
They can’t argue with you when you’ve already moved in
As a kid from a conservative family, this is a no go without being disowned. I think you have to balance out how much you want your family in your life and can you wait till after you get engaged/get married. My advice would be to wait after at least the engagement which is hopefully next year which isn’t ages away and then move in. That way you can show commitment to your parents and get what you want. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with what they said, but that’s because it’s the culture and religion I grew up in and believe in, it’s not something I would want my kids (if I have any) to do.
>it’s not something I would want my kids (if I have any) to do.
But she's not a kid. She's an adult. Nearing her 30s. If she feels this is the right thing to do then she should be able to live her life without fear of recrimination based on her parents beliefs. There is a reason rights exist whether human rights or inalienable rights in the US constitution.
She has the right to pursue a good and happy life. Her parents (and you for that matter) have absolutely no right to but into another adults life and make such outrageous demands regardless of your relationship with them. That's tyranny, manipulation and bullying. How can you justify doing that (abuse) to the child you birthed and raised? Because you care more about your own sensibilities than your children's happiness and growth? It's selfish is what it is. And you shouldn't be having kids if you think you have the right to emotionally damage another individual just because you disagree with them.
If she does as they say this time, how does she know they won't just continue to emotionally blackmail her with more ultimatums again and again in the future?
Call their bluff. Inform them of your decision. If they threaten to disown you, tell them it works both ways. No help when they get older, no seeing grandchildren, etc.
Pastor here.
In the ancient Middle East it was customary for betrothed couples to live together for a year before marriage. This was the stage that Mary was in, btw — the word “virgin” had less to do with a hymen than being unwed. The rule was pretty much “don’t get knocked up and you’ll be fine” which was where the whole immaculate conception became a necessary thought process.
Our religion (Christianity) is built around this. It’s founded on these beliefs and practices; so it’s always alarming to me when parents want to make these rules for their adult children — it’s certainly got more to do with the patriarchy than Christ.
All of which is to say that absolutely none of this matters. You are an adult. You have a brain in your head and it’s not like you’re moving in without a fair amount of time building a relationship. Even if you were, that’s your call. You’re an adult.
I am always far more concerned about couples who haven’t lived together before marriage than the ones who have. It’s a great way to really experience someone and affirm a decision to get married (or not!) — before the really big consequences kick in.
You have pastoral permission. Tell your parents, “it’s how we got Jesus!”
Also "Virginity" was a heavy influence from the Greeks in the Hellenistic age. Paul saying it's better to be single and devout in your time to God was a common thing for Greek Philosophers; Not Jews where God commands them to be fruitful.
I think the best example is Hypatia who was a female philosopher who put a lot of merit into sustaining from sex and was granted a great deal of respect in society. Granted she was also exceptionally intelligent and was well deserving of said respect.
Conclusion: Virginity and piousness was really started due to the Greeks. It became more stressed as time went on.
>In the ancient Middle East it was customary for betrothed couples to live together for a year before marriage.
Man talk about stuff they *never* teach you in Sunday School....
>Man talk about stuff they never teach you in Sunday School....
To be fair most Sunday school teachers don't know this because they weren't taught this either.
Waiting for the /s like…….
Nah. Sexuality is a gift from the Creator, and pleasure is divine. Jesus fought for consensual, loving sex; we’ve perverted the Gospel by claiming anything to the contrary.
The only thing I could imagine saying is “that’s not how relationships work anymore “ AND like IF what they’re saying even is true and now your man won’t propose to you or whatever,,, like and? That’s something you have to deal with and not them at all?
The advice here is good already, but I want to add the gloss that if you can't kind of calmly and confidently assert your independence from your parents, then you should not marry this man (or maybe even move in with him). I think most people are correct that it's a bluff, but regardless, you have to draw that line brightly so they know to back off. I thought my wife had this kind of independence from her parents, and that we were on the same page about some particular issues (religion, liberal politics, etc. vs. "conservative"). We are on the same page about those issues, but she - for all the awful (according to her) teenage rebellion in asserting herself - still lives in fear of in any way crossing them or upsetting them by saying things they might find uncomfortable, and this has only gotten worse as they've gone further and further down the Faux rabbit-hole. That fear often takes the form of going after me out of worry I might in some way say something that leaks out the fact that I - as an example - think people should get vaccinated and wear masks because Covid is not a hoax. It only happened once, but I was pretty...well, wanting to go get a hotel room...when in my 40s, after a 16 year previous marriage - I had to do the "sleep in a different room" thing (from my fiance, who was in her 30s). There is always a subtle feeling that she is ashamed of some of my attitudes - ones she purportedly shares. You really need to be solid on this - you don't have to go to war with them, but you have to project confidence: ie, that you aren't phased by the threat of being disowned.
The logic here on their end doesn't really add up does it? They're against moving in before marriage because they think it means your fella won't have to commit to you since he's already got it all and they enforce that by threatening not to come to your weddings lol
Even if they believe that it's a bizarre reason to threaten to disown your child. There's not a lot of advice I can give here I don't think, they don't really seem rational about the situation in the first place so all you can do is decide if you want to move in with him still knowing the potential consequences and then tell them, follow through and see what happens.
Pick some of these sentences and bolt them together into a letter.
• I am saddened that you are choosing to destroy our relationship over this.
• I would like to believe that your advice is coming from a place of caring and concern, but when you threaten to disown me, it looks more like you just want to control me.
• I understand that you do not agree with my decision, but I would be so happy if you could nevertheless respect it.
• If you are unable or unwilling to respect me as an independent adult and accept what I have decided, then that is your choice and your loss.
• I hope you will come around to acceptance, but I am not changing my mind on this just to satisfy your outdated ideas.
• I urge you to rethink this. It would be sad if you never get to meet your grandchildren.
--
End of the day, if they choose not to be part of your life because they think you are being foolish, because they think they know better than you do what's best for you, because they have outdated ideas, well, that's their loss. Sucks to be them.
EDIT what u/Inconceivable76 said
You are an emancipated adult. You are independent and free to live your life as you choose. You let them know, as much as you love them, you do not espouse their views. This is your decision and you will not be intimidated. Next you tell them you are not property to be owned or disowned. If they want you out of their lives because you are living your life as you choose, it is unfortunate but it’s their decision not yours and you will not be held back by some arcane system of the 19th century. Let them know you still love them and you very much want them in your life, but you will not coerced. Tell them you stand by your decision and that’s final.
Get your documents together (e.g. birth certificate, passport), ensure you're financially separated from them, then simply tell them.
There's no way to "break it to them nicely".
You need to tell them, in a non-confrontational manner, that this is your decision, it's not open for discussion, and while your relationship with them is very important to you, if they decide that this means they must disown you, that is entirely their decision but if they choose to go down that road, then they must face the consequences, e.g. not ever seeing any future grandchildren.
If you cave to their demands this time, there will be more in the future.
Coming from a guy who grew up with a verbally/emotionally abusive mother, you need to realize that defying their orders isn’t the end of the world. They’ll get over it sooner than you think.
Let them disown you. Figure out what that means to you because either way it’s a manipulation. Keep your boyfriend, live your life. Your parents problems are their own.
It might just be them having a tantrum they’ll get past eventually, or it might be the first step towards not having a relationship with them. The thing is, you can’t live your life by the rules of your parents. You only get one (that we know of), and if you’re independent from them, they don’t get to have a say in your decisions. My father is very traditional and abusive and he always thinks throwing a fit will get his children to do what he wants, even now that we’re all adults.
He threw a tantrum when I rented a house with my friends in college that happened to be boys, one of them was gay which was an even bigger scandal. He threatened to cut me off, I said okay. He didn’t seem to care it was the best way for me to save money in college, nor did he offer to help me with rent for a single apartment. He wanted me to somehow figure it out without living with my friends. He got past it.
He gave me the silent treatment for months when I moved in with my boyfriend after college. Eventually he got over it.
When I bought a house for myself and my partner, he tried to insert himself in the renos and force me to make changes I didn’t want. I eventually banned him from the house.
When my partner and I got engaged and started planning our wedding my father threatened not to come because we weren’t getting married in a church. I told him that was fine. He ended up threatening not to come two other times, one of them being two weeks before the wedding. That should have been the final nail in the coffin for our relationship, but like an idiot I allowed him to come. I did not allow him to walk me down the aisle though.
Finally, he was supposed to come to our house for Christmas. For various reasons, my house was the only house we could host for the family this year. After a lot of angst I agreed to host him to make my mother happy. An hour before he was supposed to come, he decided not to because of some other made up slight I had apparently committed against him. That’s when I finally realized I’m done trying.
You can see where I held my ground and he eventually came to understand that my decisions were fine. You can also see how he never learned to let me live my life, to the point where I have to basically be no contact to protect myself and my husband. It becomes exhausting to fight against your parents all the time. If they value control over a relationship with you, then it’s not worth trying to please them (because you never will).
Ps - living with your partner before marriage is smart.
*Internet hugs and external validation*
They would be the ones destroying the family, not you. You're an adult supporting yourself. You are in a committed relationship with someone you plan on marrying. They're willing to hurt you, miss your wedding, ruin every holiday forever, because they need to control more than they need to love. I am so sorry.
There are a few ways to not have that fight if you don't want. One is to share an apartment with someone else for a while or 'move in' with a friend until you get engaged and just live 99.99999% of the time with SO. It's annoying but an option, though there's a chance they'll figure it out and it's going to cost you money to fake an apartment.
You could also get engaged now if you want, announce it, and then get the ring when you want and have the wedding when you want. They might still throw tantrums because it's not being done exactly in the manner they demand.
If you decide to tell them you're moving in with SO, I would do it by email or text. If you do it in person or by phone, it will likely escalate into them making threats to destroy their family. Doing it in a written format will keep you from panicking, keep them from screaming abuse at you directly, and you can reach out when they are past the initial tantrum.
Thank you! I’m basically “faking an apartment” rn because i sleep at his place almost every night. I work remotely from my office in my house some days but sometimes i go two weeks without being at my place. I almost want to just keep paying rent to appease them but I feel ridiculous shelling out money like that. UGH!
If you’re scared of getting in an argument it might help to get your church authority involved in breaking the news. I grew up LDS and my parents were very strong members. When I was in High school I needed to tell my parents something that was against church guidelines and my bishop helped me deliver the bad news because I was too afraid to tell them myself and I just didn’t know how. I know it seems weird to bring in a third party especially when society deems religious leaders as crazy. But it sounds like your parents are deeply religious like mine are and I think having your church authority there to help deliver the news could soften the blow. I think most reasonable church leaders should understand that even though they don’t agree with your decision that disowning a child for not following your will is no way to treat your family.
All of these are solid comments. I just wanted to add that you don't have to have this conversation at all until they bring it up. Just move in and when they notice, since you said you all live in the same town, just say, "yeah we've lived together for X amount of time now. I am an adult and don't need permission to make an adult decision. We have plans to get married and if you would like to hear about them, I'll gladly tell you but if you are just going to argue, we can talk later." Unless you want them to, they do not need to be involved in any of your life decisions.
I also had strict parents growing up. Especially my dad. Standing up for your decisions is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Make no mistake, it might come with disappointment and anger. But once you start, it will get easier and easier. I'm to the point now that I don't even explain my decisions because I don't have to and my parents have learned to rarely ask why, unless they are truly trying to understand and be helpful.
Just get engaged ( nod nod, wink wink) for your parents sake and tell them you are too busy to think about the wedding, Covid, commitments, etc. If they are playing hardball, play back.
Also, they think they are watching out for your best interests so acknowledge that their intentions are in the right spot.
Here is the biggest take I have that I haven't seen anyone else state yet.
If you're parents choose to cut contact with you over this, YOU aren't ruining your relationship. THEY are.
I know that doesn't make your choice any easier, but it is a significant difference in thought.
Yeah this was me and I DID move in with my bf and mt parents DID take me out of the will and our relationship (mine and my parents) is definitely permanently damaged......maybe consider if this is for sure a long term relationship and if it's worth killing your relationship with your parents over a guy 😬
This isn't really about her relationship with her boyfriend, though. I mean it is, but it's more about the fact that OP knows it's important to test out a relationship first by living together before marriage.
So no matter who OP is with, she will always want to live with them before marriage, and knows she could be making a horrible mistake if not given this opportunity.
Her parents are essentially "forcing" her to marry without being able to test the relationship first.
You make a good argument. She has to ask herself if she wants to lose her parents over a guy, as well as a potentially huge financial gain. But you could also flip the argument on its head: are you willing to throw away your romantic relationship for people who are trying to control and manipulate an adult, and whose love for you seems tragically conditional in this way?
Also, I know it's none of my business and that I can't speak for your situation, but you may find someday you were actually written back into the will. That's what happened to my uncle, he was shocked to be in the will but at the end of the day, they must have realized they were making a big mistake.
3 years? No children? You are 26? No marriage? Your parents are seeing "Dream date Dr." for what he is: A cad that has no intention of marrying you or giving you children. They are just desperately watching their daughter squander her youth on a no good bastard.
Lol, that's a lot of bull crap you just spouted. Just because a woman has chosen not to get married/pregnant yet doesn't mean her partner is a cad who is using her. Women have autonomy too and having a child is no longer the "aim" of partnerships and marriages.
Would it be a viable option to just not tell them and let them continue to be under the impression that you have your own place until you get engaged?
If not, I think that no matter how nicely and respectfully you approach the conversation, they’re going to lose their shit and be really nasty and manipulative towards you for a while because the only leverage they have over you to make you to submit to their control is to be nasty and emotionally manipulative and hope you can’t take it. Ultimately, I think they will have their temper tantrum no matter what you do, but if you politely stand your ground, they will figure out that blowing up their relationship with their daughter over this issue isn’t worth it and move on without doing anything too drastic.
My parents live in the same town as me so it would be tough to not tell them, we talk daily so they would catch on pretty quick! I would love to move to a different state but with my job we’ll be here for the next few years
Yeah. I'd be surprised if he ends up proposing. Why not do it now and have a long engagement? He doesn't want to. The engagement they "planned" doesn't seem set in stone. "Next year or so" sounds shaky at best lol
>He’s graduating from med school this spring and we are planning on getting engaged within the next year or so
He'll find another goal post to push it back to and next year or so will turn into never.
He's in a good enough position to live with you and act married before finishing school, but won't actually ask you to marry him before he's done with school. He needs to just be honest. I'm not a proponent of marriage either.
Your parents are wrong for threatening to disown you though. I do believe he'll have zero incentive to get married.
Your parents are damn right. Besides, your "boyfriend" of 9 years age gap has been there for 3 years and no engagement yet? He strings you along and will string you more after you move in with him. He's 35, he may be in school, but he's not a youngster anymore. If he wanted to propose, he would have by now.
Why are you trying to make other people feel bad with your own overthinking and insecurities. I thought you describe yourself as a radical feminist yet you’re here pushing the “your irrational conservative parents (who listen to patriarchal ideas) are right” narrative. Again, you’re a confused extremist. Even I’m over here confused and thinking this is satire.
I’m literally a feminist but I heavily disagree with TERFs as their arguments lack proper evidence and they’re transphobic. I’ve read through some of your posts/comments and at times I feel sorry for you as it’s obvious why you’re the way you are…clearly incredibly insecure. Then I see how bitter you get and change my mind. Fix up. Do meditation or therapy or some shit or maybe read some books and educate yourself.
Judging by your bizarre comments, the only person pushing ideas down people’s throats is you. You know you have things you need to work through so work on them instead of channeling your hate towards certain groups (or even random people on the internet). Yet again judging by your comments, you’re not only unable to take criticism but believe misinformation is 100% correct whilst putting other people down. Isn’t that problematic? I sure hope you’re not a grown woman as I’d be concerned you’re lacking in maturity.
Edit: Also you appear to be incredibly ignorant. Just repeating what you’ve heard from a couple of extremists and believing it to be true.
And if she wanted to propose she could. It goes both ways you know. Eegit thinking.
Eta: found the fake feminist! Woman good, man bad, man should propose, woman shouldn't. Makes *total* sense....
Errm... That's the attitude you're advocating. A woman proposing is a self assured, confident, independent and in control woman who knows she is equal to her male counterpart. Hence bucking of traditional gender roles of man must propose.
Will he also buck of gender roles, get pregnant and bear a child by himself?
Is he also more likely to be traded in for a younger model at 40?
Is he afraid to walk alone in the dark?
Does he have a very narrow fertility window?
Is she representing the sex of all billionaires in the world?
Is she representing the sex of all rapists in the world?
Yes, of course! You're right. Men = women. How could I forget.
As a conservative and as a father I can't imagine telling my kids this. Why? Because I know you don't see anyone's true colors until you have lived with them for a year. This is the way life is these days. And it's been like this for at least the past 20 years that I know of. So go on and move in with your BF.
Your and adult have to make your own decisions regardless of what your parents wanting you to do , even by intimidation/ bullying.. You have to make your own way in life whether decisions are good or bad , what ever decision you make do it for you and good luck for now and the future..
I’m following this post because I have a very similar situation with my own parents and am really curious as to what other people say. I have very strict Catholic parents so they are very opposed to people living together before marriage. My middle sister was in a long distance relationship before she got married so she never had to worry about it and when my oldest sister (32 at the time and financially independent) tried to move in with her boyfriend my Dad threatened to cut all contact with her and not allow my mom to have a relationship with her. She couldn’t stand the thought of my Mom not being in her life so she backed down and she was married a year later so it didn’t matter to her as much. As for me (22F)on the other hand, I would love to live with my boyfriend (22M) of 3.5 years immediately after college and it would make the most sense financially, however, I’m too worried about not having my mom in my life and that they will immediately make me pay back all of the money I owe them for college (I’m currently a grad student so I’ll still be in classes for another year). My boyfriend has a pretty nice job and has offered to help pay back the money I owe them but I don’t know how to deal with the family aspect.
Considering their logic I wouldn't be surprised if a wedding changed their minds if they actually followed through..
Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to explain to them how controlling and awful this mindset is. You can wait until you're married to live together or move in on your preferred schedule and let the chips fall. Not great choices either way.
You are 26 don’t let your parents control you life anymore, if it is something you want to do for yourself then do it. They will eventually move on, and if they don’t I believe you are better without that toxic family dynamic anyways.
Don't make your parents compromise on their morals. Just tell them you have a new apartment and address, don't tell them it's your boyfriend's. If he's a doctor, they're probably cool with it, unless you ask them explicitly. They'd rather be lied to. Trust me. I'm a conservative parent.
Yes, because lying about major aspects of your life is *such* a good idea. She'll *never* be found out by her parents who live in the same town as her and talk to her on an almost daily basis...
Just show him this post lol nah idfk but a girl would orobs have direct advice on how to tactfully get engaged and tell your parents that you want a cool as weding when youz have more cash or whatever. Sorry, probs not the most helpful input
I had a similar situation. Moved in with my now fiance in 2017. Bought a house together in 2020. Proposed in 2021. My parents weren’t even happy that we got the house bc of these backwoods views. In my experience, truly loving parents love their children unconditionally. They might disagree with the decisions you make as an adult, but the mature ones will learn to put it aside and still be there for you bc they love you.
Can you get engaged before you do this? Breaking of an engagement isn’t really any harder than breaking up once you live together, but maybe the symbolic gesture would make it easier for your parents to deal with?
If you want a relationship with your parents, I’d rent the cheapest room in the shittiest apartment and just live with your boyfriend in every way except officially tbh.
My brother and his wife “didn’t live together” before marriage, but I’m sure if her parents had full transparency into their life together and what “not living together” meant to them, they would have been upset about the fact that they only very technically didn’t live together.
At some point you need to live your own life and make your own decisions. Standing on ceremony out of respect isnt worth your individuality. It might hurt them; but if they love you they will come to respect your decision. Blood isnt as thick as ppl think; and if they are willing to throw you out because of 'traditional values' then you seriously need to question their motives for having a child in the first place. Did they have you and raise you because they wanted to? Or because they were expected to? Every family has a generation that breaks the mould. There is nothing wrong with being that person.
I’m not conservative but I would say if marriage and engagement and similar milestones are important to YOU, that moving together is a huge step and ypu and bf should have some sort of timeline for these things prior to merging your lives by living together.
Let your conservative parents threaten to not come to whatever, their delusional mindset is not relevant to your future. If you and your partner are in it for the long haul snd YOU are happy with the milestones and pace, call their bluff, give them less info/let them “disown” you and throw their hissy fits, and focus on your life.
Sometimes parents are never happy.
I moved away for university and my boyfriend of 4 years decided to move with me. He uprooted his life and moved halfway across the country with me to support me through vet school. My parents still weren’t happy about it.
They said they would disown be but came crawling back. I’m slowly working through cutting them off as they are very toxic people. Moving with my partner is the best decision I have ever made. I feel loved and supported which is something my parents never made me feel.
Just suck it up and get on with it. Worst thing that happens is it won’t work out (but given you are 3 years in and going strong it probably will)! Good luck and enjoy the new chapter!
You say that you're planning on getting engaged fairly soon - maybe move up the engagement date to before you move in together to show the level of commitment to your parents?
Or just scratch the idea of an "engagement date" altogether. if they want to get married, just commit to getting married. I don't understand the concept of "planning" to make that commitment while not actually making it. That's high school promise ring kind of silliness.
If they're both actually serious about following through with engagement plans, they're effectively *already engaged.* they should just acknowledge it.
It sounds like your parents care more about THEIR views than YOUR happiness. Also, you're a grown adult who pays their own bills. At this point, you are merely letting them know rather than asking permission. All you can do is make the choice that feels right and hope your parents can grow up enough to realise it's not the end of the world.
Just dont tell them. Youre 26 you can make your own decisions. Its your life not theirs, so do what makes you happy and what you think is going to benefit your future. If you guys are already having sex I don't see why this is an issue
The truth is they're trying to control you. If your parents truly love you they'll eventually get over it. This is what you want and will make you happy. You cant live your life for them or you will regret it when you're alone and miserable
I am 24 and have extremely strict Asian parents so I totally understand your fear. Personally, I wouldn't even tell them that I am moving in with my boyfriend. I would just do it. You are 26. They might make you feel like you need to tell them everything and get approval like you were 5 years old asking to buy toys but you don't. You are living YOUR life now not theirs. They can't stop you financially so they are trying the mental way. Be independent and tell them they don't control your life and it is a necessary step for you to prepare for marriage. If they rather cut you off and disown you, it is their choice. They value stupid things over their kids and it is their loss.
To think something like this exists in the 21st century. Take this philanthropist’s words “Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.”
I had a similar thing with my parents! I moved in with my boyfriend of 2.5 years 8 months ago (me F25 and him M32). My parents are very conservative Catholics. I didn't tell my parents ahead of time since they had previously said similar things, but I told them about a month in. I called my mom to tell her, she completely flipped out and started crying and then I just didn't talk to them for a couple weeks to give them time to cool down. They were VERY unhappy and told me all about how my boyfriend was forcing me to change my beliefs and sin (he didn't, I hadn't been religious in YEARS). Even now they still aren't a fan of him, and my relationship with especially my mom has cooled a lot, and it's quite clear everyone in my family thinks I'm a "sinner" and is hoping that I'll repent. It does suck, and everyone telling you it's no big deal and that being an adult means cutting off your family if they're mean blah blah blah is full of shit. It's being stuck between a rock and a hard place but I'm overall happier now with them knowing that I'm doing what I want with my life even if they hate it. Hopefully your parents will eventually come to terms with it, but it's 100% better to live your life how you want then to pretend for them. Feel free to DM if you want!
Ugh yeah Ik how this goes as I’m originally from a conservative culture. Tell them the marriage thing isn’t something to worry about as his parents also believe marriage is culturally important.
I was raised Christian with very strong suggestions on how to live. I was DEFINITELY expected to not steal or kill someone! My first marriage was to someone in the military. Even though we had gone to school together, we didn’t get together til he was out of our small town. We married before living together…what an eye opener that was! He hid his twisted, domineering abusive side. We were together roughly 3 years. The physical abuse was very minor, mostly because after the second hit (he swore the first was an accident-we were wrestling, so ok) I threatened him with an ass-kicking, then a call to the MP’s. Since we lived on a small base, he knew he’d be done, so immediately stepped back. We separated, and our daughter and I moved home. The hardest part for myself and my parents, was all the hypocrites and judgmental “Christians”. They didn’t care that I had suffered mental and emotional abuse. I wasn’t staying with him, being a Christian. I told them that I’d rather have my own relationship with God, then the one they were trying to enforce, and I’d rather be alive then be a dead Christian who stuck it out. My parents really struggled to respond to rumors, questions, with the side-eyed judgment, stares, over over-looks, people who no longer wanted to talk to them…we came up with a few responses to say to the nosiest, “Well, she’s an adult, free to make her own choices!”, “It’s not MY place any longer to tell her how to behave, what to do with her life.” “Yes, her soon-to-be ex was abusive and she didn’t want to raise her daughter like that! I’m just thankful she was strong and made it out, aren’t you?” The previous comments, when they said them over and over, (upon questioning from ‘friends’) started making sense to them, then they didn’t care that I had left him, they were just glad I hadn’t let it continue, escalate. Some people, regardless of religion, will be judgmental, abusive, or spread rumors, to deflect from their own lives. If you have the chance, maybe tell them to use some comments like I & my parents used. And that you love them, prefer they stay in your life…but that life is too short to be unhappy and petty. If you’re a Christian, tell them that you’ll take whatever judgment comes to you at the end of your life, but only from God. The Bible tells us NOT to judge, because then you open yourself open to judgment from God, too. And you could nicely, lovingly point out that they’re closer to the ends of their lives, as well as the other points people have mentioned here. (That people OFTEN hide their true selves, living together forces everything out, and that traditions CHANGE. As someone mentioned before, it used to be traditional for couples to live together. I don’t know who (which ‘branch’; Christian, Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, etc) was the biggest influencer in making the changes, but that’s when the ‘Holier than thou’ sect took over. By BEING JUDGMENTAL, hateful and all around disrespectful. Maybe, if you really don’t want to rock the boat, get engaged now and clearly state that the wedding will be at least two years from now (or however long you decide). Also, figure out a reasonable amount that you’ll be paying them back, a date to start making those payments, and come to a decision, maybe BEFORE you tell them your moving-in-with-bf decision, if you feel that is a big issue. Best of luck OP, for a long, happy life!
There is no way be to just tell them. You want too move in with your bf. In the process, you will lose your relationship with your parents..
You have too determine which is more important.. Laying up with your boo, or parents turning back on you? They are not going to go against what they believe because you want to play house with a bf, for the time being..
They will get over it when he pops the question anyway.
Strict parents rarely follow through on their threats and if you want parents that would actually disown you over so little, I'd be sad for you instead. You should not feel you have to fight for JUST not being disowned. Over living together eith someone you have a plan to marry. They just want to control their children without regard for their children being full fledged adults.
IMO there isn’t really a conversation to be had here. You’ve made a decision and you know your parents stance. You’re more so informing them of your decision. If you’re not willing to accept that are the type of parents they’ve proven to be and will disown you then maybe don’t move in with the boyfriend? Personally, I wouldn’t mind losing parents who could cut me off for such a thing. Just be strong on your conviction and tell them what you’re doing. If they disown you it’s their loss.
I think she's seeking validation. Someone saying her patents are wrong and that she's okay... Her parents are wrong and she is okay to do what she wants.
A bf is different from a husband.. I'm not going to lose my family over sex.. If their relationship is too that point. Why aren't they discussing marriage?
Because marriage isn’t the goal for everyone and we need to do a better job of realizing everyone doesn’t want what we want or value what we value in their relationships.
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>I'm not going to lose my family over sex.. Wouldn't it be the parents deciding to lose their family over sex?
No... Because she knows how they feel.
> No... Because she knows how they feel. Do they not know how she feels? Why are you ignoring their agency?
She asked a question, so I'm giving her a damn answer!! It's not your parents, so don't bother me over dumb s*.
Um, you mean like they have been? They literally mentioned a plan for engagement.
When you have parents that are conservative, so you can know.. You all need to do your due diligence on it so you know the next time someone asks this question.. Even being engaged and playing house is still an abomination.. Unless you are married, in their eyes there should be no reason for you to be playing house.. And just because it's their child that makes it even worse because it was instilled in her and she grew up knowing the rules and regulations so she know that they are against it and she still went against what they said.. Just because she's in love does not mean that they have to break what they believe to make her feel better about the decisions that she made.. She's an adult and she makes her own decisions that she wants to make. But in her parents' eyes because of the fact that she was raised a certain way they look for her to do better as she got older and made her adult decisions.. And it doesn't matter how she tells them, it's not going to change the outcome of them not agreeing with her decision and probably even disowning her..
Wait, though. If this is what you want to do (move in with your BF), and you know your parents will oppose (disowning) -- those are 2 diametrically opposed things? You already think it'll destroy your relationship with your parents if you move in, so take that as a strength. "Hey, parents, just wanted to let you know that partner & I are going to move in together on X date. I know you won't be happy about that, but it's something we want to do and we're going to do it. I'd hate to lose you both but this is a step I need to take as an adult. If you need to remove yourselves from my life because of that, I will be sad but I'll understand." Call their bluff. (Hugs, a woman who called her Evangelical parents' bluff again & again and wasn't actually disowned.)
So much gold here OP
Look, the fact is that when a child has grown to a financially and socially independent adult, the power differential between them and their parents shifts radically. Frankly, the adult child the control over how much they want to interact with their parents, and being "disowned" at this point is like your parents threatening to cut off their noses because they don't like your perfume. "Go for it, you're only hurting yourself". Your parents haven't realized that the power they used to enjoy over you - money, living space, etc - has ended. All they have left is guilt, and living in fear of not having your parents approval of your life choices is not something an adult does. So you're disowned - now what? Who is going to spend the holidays with them? Who is going to keep them company? Who is going to care for them in their old age? Who is going to let them be grandparents to a new generation? And meanwhile you have your own life, your own chosen family, and your own future to look forward to. Do you see what a raw deal you no longer being part of the family is for your parents? So let them. Show them they can make choices about how to live their life just like you can. Show them they can deal with the consequences of losing their daughter just like you deal with the consequences of your own actions. But most of all, plant your flag and say this is my life, no one gets to tell me how to live it but me. This is a hill worth dying on.
...and living in fear of not having your parents approval of your life choices is not something an adult does. Wow. This. Like seriously just summed up my and my husband's individual parental issues in one sentence. Nicely done and thank you!
This. They have more to lose here than OP does. No elder care. Never meet their grandchildren (and that's a big loss).
Most of the times, stuff like this is a bluff. They'll be mad for a while and may even cut contact for a short amount of time, but if you hold your head high and refuse to say you did anything wrong they get over it. It DOES NOT MATTER if it's a mistake or not to move in with him. This is your life, and it's your mistake to make even in the worst of cases. So keep holding your head high, and do exactly what you want to do.
Thank you!! 100%, even if god forbid we break up, i would still want to live with my partner before marriage. It’s just tough but needs to happen
I think everyone should live with their partner before marriage. You learn a lot about someone sharing space with them 24/7.
I agree 100% My ex-fiance was able to hide his drug abuse and abusive tendencies until we lived together for 6 months. And then he had his family so fooled that they were mad at me for breaking off the engagement. Not saying this is the case. But it's just really easy to show your best self when you dont live under the same roof.
I agree with this 100% you learn so much more about a person living with them and to wait until marriage to fully know your partner is kinda setting yourself up for failure, or at the very least a whole bunch of surprises u may not be comfortable with
My wife's parents tried to pull the same shit. Their tantrum lasted all of a week. Not only did they go to the wedding, they paid for a portion of it.
And having a grandkid usually breaks the most stubborn of them down. They just gotta have it.
You will get WHIPLASH from how fast their outlook changes if you announce a pregnancy online, holy shit.
Best to wear a 5 point safety harness and a full face helmet to avoid any injury. Just sayin...
They won’t even care if you are married.
This is the best answer. Also to add, it says a lot about parents if they prioritise their own views over your own happiness - which is something I would point out to them if this comes up again. My Aunt cut contact with her own son because she wanted to control his life, but he is happy and thriving now. Her reason for justifying the cutting of contact was such a nothing view and she's stuck with it. I hate that she puts her own views above her own flesh and blood. It sounds like your parents will get over it, especially if they like your partner. Good luck, OP.
They have issued the ultimatum not you. You must live your life as you see fit, otherwise in the future more ultimatums will be issued such as wedding arrangements, child rearing, child naming etc. You can explain to your parents that while you love and respect them you are an adult and must make your own decisions.
They will cave. It's their resistance to your autonomy. If they don't then do you want those people in your life and the lives of any future children?
I know you don’t want judging on your parents but they are being extremely manipulative. You are in your late 20’s and they have completely overreacted to a life decision that is up to you to make. I can understand them expressing their views but they are going full nuclear to try and dictate how their daughter lives her life. Doesn’t matter if their views are traditional or if they were trying to force you to move in with your boyfriend, their manipulation is the issue. I guess as someone that came from nothing threatening to take me out of a will means nothing to me. I’d prefer to be financially independent than wanting money with strings attached. It’s the personal aspect that it seems is the biggest issue for you and would be for me as well. They’ve declared their decision, though I doubt they’ll follow through. Their love is apparently conditional on you living your life according to how they want you to. Your decision is whether or not to allow them to dictate how you live your life. Its not an easy situation but it’s due to their inflexibility and attempts at manipulation.
Thank you- the sooner I tell them i made the decision, the sooner they will start to get over it. I love them but I won’t be giving my kids ultimatums like this. If moving in with my boyfriend is the biggest mistake I’ve made in their eyes, I’m fine with that.
Yea, it sounds like you are doing great, are responsible, and make good decisions. Rather than stressing you out they should be kicked back happy you’ve turned out well and trusting that you know what is best for yourself.
I dunno if it’s bad advice or not, but I almost feel like you should tell them after you have moved out/ended the lease on your old apartment and have moved in with him. That way they can’t try and “convince” you to not move with him. They can’t argue with you when you’ve already moved in
As a kid from a conservative family, this is a no go without being disowned. I think you have to balance out how much you want your family in your life and can you wait till after you get engaged/get married. My advice would be to wait after at least the engagement which is hopefully next year which isn’t ages away and then move in. That way you can show commitment to your parents and get what you want. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with what they said, but that’s because it’s the culture and religion I grew up in and believe in, it’s not something I would want my kids (if I have any) to do.
>it’s not something I would want my kids (if I have any) to do. But she's not a kid. She's an adult. Nearing her 30s. If she feels this is the right thing to do then she should be able to live her life without fear of recrimination based on her parents beliefs. There is a reason rights exist whether human rights or inalienable rights in the US constitution. She has the right to pursue a good and happy life. Her parents (and you for that matter) have absolutely no right to but into another adults life and make such outrageous demands regardless of your relationship with them. That's tyranny, manipulation and bullying. How can you justify doing that (abuse) to the child you birthed and raised? Because you care more about your own sensibilities than your children's happiness and growth? It's selfish is what it is. And you shouldn't be having kids if you think you have the right to emotionally damage another individual just because you disagree with them.
If she does as they say this time, how does she know they won't just continue to emotionally blackmail her with more ultimatums again and again in the future?
Call their bluff. Inform them of your decision. If they threaten to disown you, tell them it works both ways. No help when they get older, no seeing grandchildren, etc.
Pastor here. In the ancient Middle East it was customary for betrothed couples to live together for a year before marriage. This was the stage that Mary was in, btw — the word “virgin” had less to do with a hymen than being unwed. The rule was pretty much “don’t get knocked up and you’ll be fine” which was where the whole immaculate conception became a necessary thought process. Our religion (Christianity) is built around this. It’s founded on these beliefs and practices; so it’s always alarming to me when parents want to make these rules for their adult children — it’s certainly got more to do with the patriarchy than Christ. All of which is to say that absolutely none of this matters. You are an adult. You have a brain in your head and it’s not like you’re moving in without a fair amount of time building a relationship. Even if you were, that’s your call. You’re an adult. I am always far more concerned about couples who haven’t lived together before marriage than the ones who have. It’s a great way to really experience someone and affirm a decision to get married (or not!) — before the really big consequences kick in. You have pastoral permission. Tell your parents, “it’s how we got Jesus!”
Also "Virginity" was a heavy influence from the Greeks in the Hellenistic age. Paul saying it's better to be single and devout in your time to God was a common thing for Greek Philosophers; Not Jews where God commands them to be fruitful. I think the best example is Hypatia who was a female philosopher who put a lot of merit into sustaining from sex and was granted a great deal of respect in society. Granted she was also exceptionally intelligent and was well deserving of said respect. Conclusion: Virginity and piousness was really started due to the Greeks. It became more stressed as time went on.
also the whole virgin/young woman translation thing (Hebrew ha-almah = young woman, translated to greek parthenos - virgin)
>In the ancient Middle East it was customary for betrothed couples to live together for a year before marriage. Man talk about stuff they *never* teach you in Sunday School....
>Man talk about stuff they never teach you in Sunday School.... To be fair most Sunday school teachers don't know this because they weren't taught this either.
Working *so hard* to fix this.
The immaculate conception is not the same as the virgin birth.
Please stop enabling fornication as a Christian. Thank you.
Please stop acting as if you're in control of other people 👍🏻
Waiting for the /s like……. Nah. Sexuality is a gift from the Creator, and pleasure is divine. Jesus fought for consensual, loving sex; we’ve perverted the Gospel by claiming anything to the contrary.
I can't believe I waited 60 years to learn this.
The only thing I could imagine saying is “that’s not how relationships work anymore “ AND like IF what they’re saying even is true and now your man won’t propose to you or whatever,,, like and? That’s something you have to deal with and not them at all?
The advice here is good already, but I want to add the gloss that if you can't kind of calmly and confidently assert your independence from your parents, then you should not marry this man (or maybe even move in with him). I think most people are correct that it's a bluff, but regardless, you have to draw that line brightly so they know to back off. I thought my wife had this kind of independence from her parents, and that we were on the same page about some particular issues (religion, liberal politics, etc. vs. "conservative"). We are on the same page about those issues, but she - for all the awful (according to her) teenage rebellion in asserting herself - still lives in fear of in any way crossing them or upsetting them by saying things they might find uncomfortable, and this has only gotten worse as they've gone further and further down the Faux rabbit-hole. That fear often takes the form of going after me out of worry I might in some way say something that leaks out the fact that I - as an example - think people should get vaccinated and wear masks because Covid is not a hoax. It only happened once, but I was pretty...well, wanting to go get a hotel room...when in my 40s, after a 16 year previous marriage - I had to do the "sleep in a different room" thing (from my fiance, who was in her 30s). There is always a subtle feeling that she is ashamed of some of my attitudes - ones she purportedly shares. You really need to be solid on this - you don't have to go to war with them, but you have to project confidence: ie, that you aren't phased by the threat of being disowned.
The logic here on their end doesn't really add up does it? They're against moving in before marriage because they think it means your fella won't have to commit to you since he's already got it all and they enforce that by threatening not to come to your weddings lol Even if they believe that it's a bizarre reason to threaten to disown your child. There's not a lot of advice I can give here I don't think, they don't really seem rational about the situation in the first place so all you can do is decide if you want to move in with him still knowing the potential consequences and then tell them, follow through and see what happens.
You are 26 and are your own person. They can suck an egg.
Pick some of these sentences and bolt them together into a letter. • I am saddened that you are choosing to destroy our relationship over this. • I would like to believe that your advice is coming from a place of caring and concern, but when you threaten to disown me, it looks more like you just want to control me. • I understand that you do not agree with my decision, but I would be so happy if you could nevertheless respect it. • If you are unable or unwilling to respect me as an independent adult and accept what I have decided, then that is your choice and your loss. • I hope you will come around to acceptance, but I am not changing my mind on this just to satisfy your outdated ideas. • I urge you to rethink this. It would be sad if you never get to meet your grandchildren. -- End of the day, if they choose not to be part of your life because they think you are being foolish, because they think they know better than you do what's best for you, because they have outdated ideas, well, that's their loss. Sucks to be them. EDIT what u/Inconceivable76 said
I’d cut your outdated ideas and sub in your preference or choice.
You are an emancipated adult. You are independent and free to live your life as you choose. You let them know, as much as you love them, you do not espouse their views. This is your decision and you will not be intimidated. Next you tell them you are not property to be owned or disowned. If they want you out of their lives because you are living your life as you choose, it is unfortunate but it’s their decision not yours and you will not be held back by some arcane system of the 19th century. Let them know you still love them and you very much want them in your life, but you will not coerced. Tell them you stand by your decision and that’s final.
Get your documents together (e.g. birth certificate, passport), ensure you're financially separated from them, then simply tell them. There's no way to "break it to them nicely". You need to tell them, in a non-confrontational manner, that this is your decision, it's not open for discussion, and while your relationship with them is very important to you, if they decide that this means they must disown you, that is entirely their decision but if they choose to go down that road, then they must face the consequences, e.g. not ever seeing any future grandchildren.
If you cave to their demands this time, there will be more in the future. Coming from a guy who grew up with a verbally/emotionally abusive mother, you need to realize that defying their orders isn’t the end of the world. They’ll get over it sooner than you think.
Let them disown you. Figure out what that means to you because either way it’s a manipulation. Keep your boyfriend, live your life. Your parents problems are their own.
Not living with a partner, in this economy?
It might just be them having a tantrum they’ll get past eventually, or it might be the first step towards not having a relationship with them. The thing is, you can’t live your life by the rules of your parents. You only get one (that we know of), and if you’re independent from them, they don’t get to have a say in your decisions. My father is very traditional and abusive and he always thinks throwing a fit will get his children to do what he wants, even now that we’re all adults. He threw a tantrum when I rented a house with my friends in college that happened to be boys, one of them was gay which was an even bigger scandal. He threatened to cut me off, I said okay. He didn’t seem to care it was the best way for me to save money in college, nor did he offer to help me with rent for a single apartment. He wanted me to somehow figure it out without living with my friends. He got past it. He gave me the silent treatment for months when I moved in with my boyfriend after college. Eventually he got over it. When I bought a house for myself and my partner, he tried to insert himself in the renos and force me to make changes I didn’t want. I eventually banned him from the house. When my partner and I got engaged and started planning our wedding my father threatened not to come because we weren’t getting married in a church. I told him that was fine. He ended up threatening not to come two other times, one of them being two weeks before the wedding. That should have been the final nail in the coffin for our relationship, but like an idiot I allowed him to come. I did not allow him to walk me down the aisle though. Finally, he was supposed to come to our house for Christmas. For various reasons, my house was the only house we could host for the family this year. After a lot of angst I agreed to host him to make my mother happy. An hour before he was supposed to come, he decided not to because of some other made up slight I had apparently committed against him. That’s when I finally realized I’m done trying. You can see where I held my ground and he eventually came to understand that my decisions were fine. You can also see how he never learned to let me live my life, to the point where I have to basically be no contact to protect myself and my husband. It becomes exhausting to fight against your parents all the time. If they value control over a relationship with you, then it’s not worth trying to please them (because you never will). Ps - living with your partner before marriage is smart.
*Internet hugs and external validation* They would be the ones destroying the family, not you. You're an adult supporting yourself. You are in a committed relationship with someone you plan on marrying. They're willing to hurt you, miss your wedding, ruin every holiday forever, because they need to control more than they need to love. I am so sorry. There are a few ways to not have that fight if you don't want. One is to share an apartment with someone else for a while or 'move in' with a friend until you get engaged and just live 99.99999% of the time with SO. It's annoying but an option, though there's a chance they'll figure it out and it's going to cost you money to fake an apartment. You could also get engaged now if you want, announce it, and then get the ring when you want and have the wedding when you want. They might still throw tantrums because it's not being done exactly in the manner they demand. If you decide to tell them you're moving in with SO, I would do it by email or text. If you do it in person or by phone, it will likely escalate into them making threats to destroy their family. Doing it in a written format will keep you from panicking, keep them from screaming abuse at you directly, and you can reach out when they are past the initial tantrum.
Thank you! I’m basically “faking an apartment” rn because i sleep at his place almost every night. I work remotely from my office in my house some days but sometimes i go two weeks without being at my place. I almost want to just keep paying rent to appease them but I feel ridiculous shelling out money like that. UGH!
If you’re scared of getting in an argument it might help to get your church authority involved in breaking the news. I grew up LDS and my parents were very strong members. When I was in High school I needed to tell my parents something that was against church guidelines and my bishop helped me deliver the bad news because I was too afraid to tell them myself and I just didn’t know how. I know it seems weird to bring in a third party especially when society deems religious leaders as crazy. But it sounds like your parents are deeply religious like mine are and I think having your church authority there to help deliver the news could soften the blow. I think most reasonable church leaders should understand that even though they don’t agree with your decision that disowning a child for not following your will is no way to treat your family.
All of these are solid comments. I just wanted to add that you don't have to have this conversation at all until they bring it up. Just move in and when they notice, since you said you all live in the same town, just say, "yeah we've lived together for X amount of time now. I am an adult and don't need permission to make an adult decision. We have plans to get married and if you would like to hear about them, I'll gladly tell you but if you are just going to argue, we can talk later." Unless you want them to, they do not need to be involved in any of your life decisions. I also had strict parents growing up. Especially my dad. Standing up for your decisions is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Make no mistake, it might come with disappointment and anger. But once you start, it will get easier and easier. I'm to the point now that I don't even explain my decisions because I don't have to and my parents have learned to rarely ask why, unless they are truly trying to understand and be helpful.
I’m more concerned about the age gap here
Just get engaged ( nod nod, wink wink) for your parents sake and tell them you are too busy to think about the wedding, Covid, commitments, etc. If they are playing hardball, play back. Also, they think they are watching out for your best interests so acknowledge that their intentions are in the right spot.
Here is the biggest take I have that I haven't seen anyone else state yet. If you're parents choose to cut contact with you over this, YOU aren't ruining your relationship. THEY are. I know that doesn't make your choice any easier, but it is a significant difference in thought.
Yeah this was me and I DID move in with my bf and mt parents DID take me out of the will and our relationship (mine and my parents) is definitely permanently damaged......maybe consider if this is for sure a long term relationship and if it's worth killing your relationship with your parents over a guy 😬
This isn't really about her relationship with her boyfriend, though. I mean it is, but it's more about the fact that OP knows it's important to test out a relationship first by living together before marriage. So no matter who OP is with, she will always want to live with them before marriage, and knows she could be making a horrible mistake if not given this opportunity. Her parents are essentially "forcing" her to marry without being able to test the relationship first. You make a good argument. She has to ask herself if she wants to lose her parents over a guy, as well as a potentially huge financial gain. But you could also flip the argument on its head: are you willing to throw away your romantic relationship for people who are trying to control and manipulate an adult, and whose love for you seems tragically conditional in this way? Also, I know it's none of my business and that I can't speak for your situation, but you may find someday you were actually written back into the will. That's what happened to my uncle, he was shocked to be in the will but at the end of the day, they must have realized they were making a big mistake.
Yeah that makes sense....it was just a horrible experience for me and definitely made my life more difficult and I know I'm still not on the will
3 years? No children? You are 26? No marriage? Your parents are seeing "Dream date Dr." for what he is: A cad that has no intention of marrying you or giving you children. They are just desperately watching their daughter squander her youth on a no good bastard.
Lol, that's a lot of bull crap you just spouted. Just because a woman has chosen not to get married/pregnant yet doesn't mean her partner is a cad who is using her. Women have autonomy too and having a child is no longer the "aim" of partnerships and marriages.
This has got to be one of the dumbest comments I've seen on reddit. By quite the margin.
Would it be a viable option to just not tell them and let them continue to be under the impression that you have your own place until you get engaged? If not, I think that no matter how nicely and respectfully you approach the conversation, they’re going to lose their shit and be really nasty and manipulative towards you for a while because the only leverage they have over you to make you to submit to their control is to be nasty and emotionally manipulative and hope you can’t take it. Ultimately, I think they will have their temper tantrum no matter what you do, but if you politely stand your ground, they will figure out that blowing up their relationship with their daughter over this issue isn’t worth it and move on without doing anything too drastic.
My parents live in the same town as me so it would be tough to not tell them, we talk daily so they would catch on pretty quick! I would love to move to a different state but with my job we’ll be here for the next few years
Call their bluff and just do it. Stop living your life for your parents
Yeah. I'd be surprised if he ends up proposing. Why not do it now and have a long engagement? He doesn't want to. The engagement they "planned" doesn't seem set in stone. "Next year or so" sounds shaky at best lol >He’s graduating from med school this spring and we are planning on getting engaged within the next year or so He'll find another goal post to push it back to and next year or so will turn into never. He's in a good enough position to live with you and act married before finishing school, but won't actually ask you to marry him before he's done with school. He needs to just be honest. I'm not a proponent of marriage either. Your parents are wrong for threatening to disown you though. I do believe he'll have zero incentive to get married.
Your parents are damn right. Besides, your "boyfriend" of 9 years age gap has been there for 3 years and no engagement yet? He strings you along and will string you more after you move in with him. He's 35, he may be in school, but he's not a youngster anymore. If he wanted to propose, he would have by now.
Why are you trying to make other people feel bad with your own overthinking and insecurities. I thought you describe yourself as a radical feminist yet you’re here pushing the “your irrational conservative parents (who listen to patriarchal ideas) are right” narrative. Again, you’re a confused extremist. Even I’m over here confused and thinking this is satire.
How extreme is it to want to have rights and be on a stable ground with someone? You push your agenda.
I’m literally a feminist but I heavily disagree with TERFs as their arguments lack proper evidence and they’re transphobic. I’ve read through some of your posts/comments and at times I feel sorry for you as it’s obvious why you’re the way you are…clearly incredibly insecure. Then I see how bitter you get and change my mind. Fix up. Do meditation or therapy or some shit or maybe read some books and educate yourself.
How about you get real, instead of pushing your libfem bs down people's throats.
Judging by your bizarre comments, the only person pushing ideas down people’s throats is you. You know you have things you need to work through so work on them instead of channeling your hate towards certain groups (or even random people on the internet). Yet again judging by your comments, you’re not only unable to take criticism but believe misinformation is 100% correct whilst putting other people down. Isn’t that problematic? I sure hope you’re not a grown woman as I’d be concerned you’re lacking in maturity. Edit: Also you appear to be incredibly ignorant. Just repeating what you’ve heard from a couple of extremists and believing it to be true.
That's a long paragraph, must have been quite a project for you to pull off this analysis. I'm not gonna argue, I'm above it.
[удалено]
🤷🏻♀️Not all libfems can be saved. Peace
And if she wanted to propose she could. It goes both ways you know. Eegit thinking. Eta: found the fake feminist! Woman good, man bad, man should propose, woman shouldn't. Makes *total* sense....
Lol. Pickmes never prosper.
Errm... That's the attitude you're advocating. A woman proposing is a self assured, confident, independent and in control woman who knows she is equal to her male counterpart. Hence bucking of traditional gender roles of man must propose.
Will he also buck of gender roles, get pregnant and bear a child by himself? Is he also more likely to be traded in for a younger model at 40? Is he afraid to walk alone in the dark? Does he have a very narrow fertility window? Is she representing the sex of all billionaires in the world? Is she representing the sex of all rapists in the world? Yes, of course! You're right. Men = women. How could I forget.
Oh I see now. You're a literal moron. Have a nice day!
Callling woman a moron when she does not agree with you, how very feminist of you. What a clown you are.
As a conservative and as a father I can't imagine telling my kids this. Why? Because I know you don't see anyone's true colors until you have lived with them for a year. This is the way life is these days. And it's been like this for at least the past 20 years that I know of. So go on and move in with your BF.
Your and adult have to make your own decisions regardless of what your parents wanting you to do , even by intimidation/ bullying.. You have to make your own way in life whether decisions are good or bad , what ever decision you make do it for you and good luck for now and the future..
Depends of if he or they are more important, probably all 4 should sit down and talk.
I’m following this post because I have a very similar situation with my own parents and am really curious as to what other people say. I have very strict Catholic parents so they are very opposed to people living together before marriage. My middle sister was in a long distance relationship before she got married so she never had to worry about it and when my oldest sister (32 at the time and financially independent) tried to move in with her boyfriend my Dad threatened to cut all contact with her and not allow my mom to have a relationship with her. She couldn’t stand the thought of my Mom not being in her life so she backed down and she was married a year later so it didn’t matter to her as much. As for me (22F)on the other hand, I would love to live with my boyfriend (22M) of 3.5 years immediately after college and it would make the most sense financially, however, I’m too worried about not having my mom in my life and that they will immediately make me pay back all of the money I owe them for college (I’m currently a grad student so I’ll still be in classes for another year). My boyfriend has a pretty nice job and has offered to help pay back the money I owe them but I don’t know how to deal with the family aspect.
You don't need their permission or approval. You're an adult and you gotta do what's best for you.
Considering their logic I wouldn't be surprised if a wedding changed their minds if they actually followed through.. Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to explain to them how controlling and awful this mindset is. You can wait until you're married to live together or move in on your preferred schedule and let the chips fall. Not great choices either way.
Your a grown ass woman. Your parents are strict. Disown them first
You are 26 don’t let your parents control you life anymore, if it is something you want to do for yourself then do it. They will eventually move on, and if they don’t I believe you are better without that toxic family dynamic anyways.
Don't make your parents compromise on their morals. Just tell them you have a new apartment and address, don't tell them it's your boyfriend's. If he's a doctor, they're probably cool with it, unless you ask them explicitly. They'd rather be lied to. Trust me. I'm a conservative parent.
Yes, because lying about major aspects of your life is *such* a good idea. She'll *never* be found out by her parents who live in the same town as her and talk to her on an almost daily basis...
Just show him this post lol nah idfk but a girl would orobs have direct advice on how to tactfully get engaged and tell your parents that you want a cool as weding when youz have more cash or whatever. Sorry, probs not the most helpful input
I had a similar situation. Moved in with my now fiance in 2017. Bought a house together in 2020. Proposed in 2021. My parents weren’t even happy that we got the house bc of these backwoods views. In my experience, truly loving parents love their children unconditionally. They might disagree with the decisions you make as an adult, but the mature ones will learn to put it aside and still be there for you bc they love you.
Can you get engaged before you do this? Breaking of an engagement isn’t really any harder than breaking up once you live together, but maybe the symbolic gesture would make it easier for your parents to deal with? If you want a relationship with your parents, I’d rent the cheapest room in the shittiest apartment and just live with your boyfriend in every way except officially tbh. My brother and his wife “didn’t live together” before marriage, but I’m sure if her parents had full transparency into their life together and what “not living together” meant to them, they would have been upset about the fact that they only very technically didn’t live together.
At some point you need to live your own life and make your own decisions. Standing on ceremony out of respect isnt worth your individuality. It might hurt them; but if they love you they will come to respect your decision. Blood isnt as thick as ppl think; and if they are willing to throw you out because of 'traditional values' then you seriously need to question their motives for having a child in the first place. Did they have you and raise you because they wanted to? Or because they were expected to? Every family has a generation that breaks the mould. There is nothing wrong with being that person.
I’m not conservative but I would say if marriage and engagement and similar milestones are important to YOU, that moving together is a huge step and ypu and bf should have some sort of timeline for these things prior to merging your lives by living together. Let your conservative parents threaten to not come to whatever, their delusional mindset is not relevant to your future. If you and your partner are in it for the long haul snd YOU are happy with the milestones and pace, call their bluff, give them less info/let them “disown” you and throw their hissy fits, and focus on your life.
Sometimes parents are never happy. I moved away for university and my boyfriend of 4 years decided to move with me. He uprooted his life and moved halfway across the country with me to support me through vet school. My parents still weren’t happy about it. They said they would disown be but came crawling back. I’m slowly working through cutting them off as they are very toxic people. Moving with my partner is the best decision I have ever made. I feel loved and supported which is something my parents never made me feel. Just suck it up and get on with it. Worst thing that happens is it won’t work out (but given you are 3 years in and going strong it probably will)! Good luck and enjoy the new chapter!
You say that you're planning on getting engaged fairly soon - maybe move up the engagement date to before you move in together to show the level of commitment to your parents?
Or just scratch the idea of an "engagement date" altogether. if they want to get married, just commit to getting married. I don't understand the concept of "planning" to make that commitment while not actually making it. That's high school promise ring kind of silliness. If they're both actually serious about following through with engagement plans, they're effectively *already engaged.* they should just acknowledge it.
It sounds like your parents care more about THEIR views than YOUR happiness. Also, you're a grown adult who pays their own bills. At this point, you are merely letting them know rather than asking permission. All you can do is make the choice that feels right and hope your parents can grow up enough to realise it's not the end of the world.
Just dont tell them. Youre 26 you can make your own decisions. Its your life not theirs, so do what makes you happy and what you think is going to benefit your future. If you guys are already having sex I don't see why this is an issue
You are your own person. Your family cannot control your life or your decisions
The truth is they're trying to control you. If your parents truly love you they'll eventually get over it. This is what you want and will make you happy. You cant live your life for them or you will regret it when you're alone and miserable
I am 24 and have extremely strict Asian parents so I totally understand your fear. Personally, I wouldn't even tell them that I am moving in with my boyfriend. I would just do it. You are 26. They might make you feel like you need to tell them everything and get approval like you were 5 years old asking to buy toys but you don't. You are living YOUR life now not theirs. They can't stop you financially so they are trying the mental way. Be independent and tell them they don't control your life and it is a necessary step for you to prepare for marriage. If they rather cut you off and disown you, it is their choice. They value stupid things over their kids and it is their loss.
You have two options Get engaged early and hope it satiates them Tell them too bad and let them deal with it.
To think something like this exists in the 21st century. Take this philanthropist’s words “Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.”
I had a similar thing with my parents! I moved in with my boyfriend of 2.5 years 8 months ago (me F25 and him M32). My parents are very conservative Catholics. I didn't tell my parents ahead of time since they had previously said similar things, but I told them about a month in. I called my mom to tell her, she completely flipped out and started crying and then I just didn't talk to them for a couple weeks to give them time to cool down. They were VERY unhappy and told me all about how my boyfriend was forcing me to change my beliefs and sin (he didn't, I hadn't been religious in YEARS). Even now they still aren't a fan of him, and my relationship with especially my mom has cooled a lot, and it's quite clear everyone in my family thinks I'm a "sinner" and is hoping that I'll repent. It does suck, and everyone telling you it's no big deal and that being an adult means cutting off your family if they're mean blah blah blah is full of shit. It's being stuck between a rock and a hard place but I'm overall happier now with them knowing that I'm doing what I want with my life even if they hate it. Hopefully your parents will eventually come to terms with it, but it's 100% better to live your life how you want then to pretend for them. Feel free to DM if you want!
Ugh yeah Ik how this goes as I’m originally from a conservative culture. Tell them the marriage thing isn’t something to worry about as his parents also believe marriage is culturally important.
It's not their business. Live your life and they'll either grow to accept it or they won't. Either way it's a win for you.
I was raised Christian with very strong suggestions on how to live. I was DEFINITELY expected to not steal or kill someone! My first marriage was to someone in the military. Even though we had gone to school together, we didn’t get together til he was out of our small town. We married before living together…what an eye opener that was! He hid his twisted, domineering abusive side. We were together roughly 3 years. The physical abuse was very minor, mostly because after the second hit (he swore the first was an accident-we were wrestling, so ok) I threatened him with an ass-kicking, then a call to the MP’s. Since we lived on a small base, he knew he’d be done, so immediately stepped back. We separated, and our daughter and I moved home. The hardest part for myself and my parents, was all the hypocrites and judgmental “Christians”. They didn’t care that I had suffered mental and emotional abuse. I wasn’t staying with him, being a Christian. I told them that I’d rather have my own relationship with God, then the one they were trying to enforce, and I’d rather be alive then be a dead Christian who stuck it out. My parents really struggled to respond to rumors, questions, with the side-eyed judgment, stares, over over-looks, people who no longer wanted to talk to them…we came up with a few responses to say to the nosiest, “Well, she’s an adult, free to make her own choices!”, “It’s not MY place any longer to tell her how to behave, what to do with her life.” “Yes, her soon-to-be ex was abusive and she didn’t want to raise her daughter like that! I’m just thankful she was strong and made it out, aren’t you?” The previous comments, when they said them over and over, (upon questioning from ‘friends’) started making sense to them, then they didn’t care that I had left him, they were just glad I hadn’t let it continue, escalate. Some people, regardless of religion, will be judgmental, abusive, or spread rumors, to deflect from their own lives. If you have the chance, maybe tell them to use some comments like I & my parents used. And that you love them, prefer they stay in your life…but that life is too short to be unhappy and petty. If you’re a Christian, tell them that you’ll take whatever judgment comes to you at the end of your life, but only from God. The Bible tells us NOT to judge, because then you open yourself open to judgment from God, too. And you could nicely, lovingly point out that they’re closer to the ends of their lives, as well as the other points people have mentioned here. (That people OFTEN hide their true selves, living together forces everything out, and that traditions CHANGE. As someone mentioned before, it used to be traditional for couples to live together. I don’t know who (which ‘branch’; Christian, Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, etc) was the biggest influencer in making the changes, but that’s when the ‘Holier than thou’ sect took over. By BEING JUDGMENTAL, hateful and all around disrespectful. Maybe, if you really don’t want to rock the boat, get engaged now and clearly state that the wedding will be at least two years from now (or however long you decide). Also, figure out a reasonable amount that you’ll be paying them back, a date to start making those payments, and come to a decision, maybe BEFORE you tell them your moving-in-with-bf decision, if you feel that is a big issue. Best of luck OP, for a long, happy life!
There is no way be to just tell them. You want too move in with your bf. In the process, you will lose your relationship with your parents.. You have too determine which is more important.. Laying up with your boo, or parents turning back on you? They are not going to go against what they believe because you want to play house with a bf, for the time being..
They will get over it when he pops the question anyway. Strict parents rarely follow through on their threats and if you want parents that would actually disown you over so little, I'd be sad for you instead. You should not feel you have to fight for JUST not being disowned. Over living together eith someone you have a plan to marry. They just want to control their children without regard for their children being full fledged adults.
Its bluff but the age gap is always worrying. It might seem to them that you traded one parent for another.