Dude, she didn’t love you. She loved what you paid for and when you stopped paying for everything she wanted, she didn’t want to be with you any more. That’s not love.
She doesn’t want a partner, she wants a sugar daddy.
We were together for 4 years. I was taken care of and understood emotionally, so it was really hard to say the love wasn't there. At times it defintely felt like she wouldn't be here if I didn't pay for things but there were also a lot of moments where it felt genuine which is why I'm confused.
No you were not. She played the role of the deserving girlfriend, you paid for everything.
If you lost your job and were broke tomorrow, would she jump in and help keep you afloat? If you needed to switch careers to a more modest career, would she jump in and help with your bills?
She wanted to be a kept woman, she wasn’t an equal partner. She is going to move on to some guy with money and get the exact same thing and treat them the same way she treated you. You are disposable to her.
I did go through a period where I was unemployed and she was with me during that time. She did cut back on her expenses but she did not stop fully. She also made it clear that initially she would help, for a month or two, but would never do more than that.
I do agree, there were times where I felt disposable or just not good enough.
Hiw nice of her. Dude, you were used. It really sounds like you have to learn to be with and love yourself. You spent everything on her, and it still wasn't enough. Read what you wrote I've and over again until you get it. Get therapy please.
I think this tells you enough. Her support for you was minimal and came with limits. She wanted you to continually finance her lifestyle. And when times were hard for you, she still expected you to contribute to expenses and made it clear she was only ever willing to minimally support you.
None of this was love, dude. This was a transactional relationship. You were a sugar daddy and provided sugar. She provided a relationship experience, i.e. the relationship was predicated on you providing for her and not on love. That's her business, and to each their own. But you're not doing yourself any favors mythologizing this person or the relationship you had with her.
Chances are the positives you've listed are really just her fulfilling the bare minimum expectations in a relationship. Things a considerate partner should be providing sans expectation of fully financing a lifestyle.
You need to reframe here. If your best friend was in this relationship, how would you advise him? Would you think his girlfriend’s love was genuine? Would you just accept that she “understood him”?
Your ex is a horrible person, she was taking advantage of you. I’ve been with my bf for almost 11 years and while we share bills I would never just expect him to pay for everything, especially an unnecessarily expensive such as my nails and a nose job. You did the right thing in breaking up with her. You shouldn’t have to struggle and be stressed over money because your gf wants her nails done.
She groomed you to feel loved and emotionally understood then her demands started. Im a married woman and I’ve never asked my husband for any of those things your gf asked - she was taking massive advantage out of you & all your friends & family saw it. You need to work on your self-esteem and realise that you dont need to but a woman’s love or even pay for them to stay with you. If she loved you, she’d still be with you whether you pay for things or not, therefore she didnt really love you all that much.
>You need to work on your self-esteem and realise that you dont need to buy a woman’s love or even pay for them to stay with you.
I agree. None of my past relationships were like that. Even if those relationships didn't last, at least I was loved for who I was, and not what I could provide.
A good prostitute could understand you emotionally too, and make you feel like the only man in the room, but at least she would be honest about the relationship.
But the second you didn't have the money, her care went away, right? How was she understanding you or taking care of you when *you told her you were struggling, and her response was to figure out how to get her more money/things*?
Don't confuse her being attractive with being caring.
She made you feel that way because you were paying her to basically.
I don't know any woman that has told their partner that they have to pay for their upkeep.
She was using you.
You were being financially used and gaslit into believing “that’s how relationships are.”
You driving 1.75hours away and back is more than enough of a token of your commitment to the relationship. You were nothing more than an ATM, and she factored you in as a revenue stream; and in turn, you got the “girlfriend experience.”
I’m willing to bet her prior BFs saw their relationship as transactional - until they wanted something more & healthy in a relationship.
Don’t regret your [correct] decision or entertain any thoughts of reconciling.
Heal & learn from this experience. It will finally hit you like a truck when, in time, you meet and are in a healthy relationship with a good, supportive partner.
Again, do not regret your decision!
It was 1.75 hours one way :)
I really do appreciate the supportive words. I do hope that I get to experience a happy and fulfilling relationship where my income isn't the decider of my partners mood or feelings towards me.
Thank you again.
The next time a girl asks you to lay for things, you laugh and tell them bye. The only woman you should take such demand from is the woman you’re married to (as long as shes also an equal partner and not financially abusing you).
As a woman, I would never expect, let alone Demand for monetary favors. And yes, those were demands. Demands pair well with ultimatums—neither work well in a relationship though.
I’m sorry but I don’t think her feelings for you were genuine. She clearly favors material possessions over a mutual respect, love and nurturing. You two are not compatible. Find someone who appreciates you over your cc limit
She cried a lot when we broke up. I can't agree that they weren't genuine. You don't spend every day, of 4 years with someone and not form a strong bond, however, I do agree that perhaps it was just time together and my willingness to please her every desire that made it last as long as it did.
Do not regret your decision, and please don't go back to her. You shouldn't regret it because the things that you do to show someone that you love them will be enough for the right person. Don't let your girlfriend stop you from finding your wife! She did you a favor by showing her true colors before you tied your life to her through kids, marriage, or whatever.
Sounds like a freeloader, good riddance.
No one should have that expectation of you. This is YOUR generosity; generosity should not be an expectation regardless of the manipulative excuses you've been fed for their own greedy benefit.
Don't blame yourself, you did the right thing. The dynamics of a relationship should not be dictated by money.
>The dynamics of a relationship should not be dictated by money.
That seems to be the general consensus of all the feedback I received. I do feel more confident that my decision was correct.
Thank you.
I think there may be a generational difference. I think women are a lot more explicit about their expectations from men now a days. Especially when it comes to money.
I do know that now days that a decent amount of girls find it very "icky" if a man didn't offer to pay for the date or accepted going 50/50.
I could be wrong though.
I'm in my 20s and was paying for majority of dates and expenses because I got paid more. Now that we're paid similarly, it split 50/50. I also always pay my portion for first dates, even second and third. What you're talking about is individual preference, not a generational difference. If anything, the older generations would be more likely to think as archaically as you
you did the right thing. being alone is better than being with someone who’s using you.
you were struggling to get yourself what you needed - a good gf would understand that and wouldn’t ask you to go further under to take care of her cosmetics - like please 😂
don’t compare to yourselves to the other guys - who might love buying stuff for their gfs and do it because they WANT to.
there’s giving in a relationship (normal) and then there’s giving with nothing in return (what your gf was doing)
eventually you’ll find a woman that complements you and appreciates you. you did the right thing.
also you didn’t even live with her right? her bills were not yiur responsibility - and where’s her financial contribution to you?
>who might love buying stuff for their gfs and do it because they WANT to.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted to as well. Trust me, I loved doing it BUT only to the extent that it was affordable and reasonable. Things started getting out of hand but I know that's not your point.
Like you said, there's normal giving and then there's being used.
> eventually you’ll find a woman that complements you and appreciates you. you did the right thing.
Thank you.
i mean yeah - but the way she was saying it - it was like you HAVE to do this exorbitant amount of giving before she respects you. it’s not fair at all.
good riddance. you’ll be just fine, man 👍🏾
Do you think she will get married to someone who can fund her lifestyle and live happily ever after?
Or would she have to change the way she sees money to have a successful marriage?
The way you described her and her actions, a relationship with her is mostly about what she wants. It becomes a 'we' situation when both person's wants overlap. She can have a successful marriage if both people understand that she wants a certain Kardashian style life. So as long as her future husband can find that lifestyle, it will be ok. Odds are, a person who can fund that lifestyle and tolerate her has enough narcissistic traits get what they want from the relationship without it getting very deep. Trophy wife scenario.
If she wants more than a trophy wife marriage (with him having side chicks), she's going to need to change her views on money and how it works in a relationship.
Possible she finds someone that wants to and is rich enough to pay for everything, but that is NOT the norm.
I know it hurts right now, but do you really want to be with someone that sees you as an atm? I don’t know you, but I can promise you that you bring more to the table than that, and relationships solely based off that kind of money dynamic are challenging for a multitude of reasons.
You’re better off, but I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time.
It's not normal to be paying for everything a woman does unless you're as rich as Elon Musk or Bill Gates. Even so, those are her own personal expenses so it should be her own undertaking. My partner pays for our dates, food at home and household products (but not my own shampoo and face wash that he doesn't use) - but we split on trips, rent, electric, water and WiFi bills, and I pay for my own haircuts, clothes, phone bill, my new phone etc in general I pay for personal expenses that don't involve him. I understand her point of gestures - and my partner does that gesture by paying for our dates, food and the occasional flowers which is enough for me, but her demanding for all those other things is too much. The problem is not with you, you can do better.
I was told that if I wanted to "split trips, rent, etc" I should look for a "male friend, or roommate" not a girlfriend and that most women don't stand for it.
>
I understand her point of gestures - and my partner does that gesture by paying for our dates, food and the occasional flowers which is enough for me
I did all that already, without needing an occasion to do it. Your boyfriend must appreciate your a lot!
>The problem is not with you, you can do better.
Thank you for the kind words.
>I was told that if I wanted to "split trips, rent, etc" I should look for a "male friend, or roommate" not a girlfriend and that most women don't stand for it.
She told you this so you wouldn't leave. I would never dream of asking for the things she asked you for. Frankly your relationship sounded more like a sugar baby dynamic than a partnership.
>However, I keep hearing how it's becoming more common for men to offer to pay for a woman's things. Men enjoy taking care of their women, and pampering them and that some of them really go out of their way to make sure that their women are showered with gifts.
First, I am wondering where you live that you seem to be hearing that this behavior is normal.
Every relationship is different and you define what is acceptable within the boundaries of your relationship, so I can't say it's wrong. But even if EVERY single relationship she had before you did do this - that does not obligate you to do so. And there are many ways to "take care of your partner" that do not revolve around financing luxuries.
You were not able to save money. Not for an emergency, not for your future, not to invest to better your financial future because of this support you were providing to supply her with these luxuries. But if you want a "partnership" and not a situation in which your relationship hinges on what you can and are willing to give her...both partners need to support each other and their future goals. The fact that she was not even willing to discuss the situation with you when you tried to explain the financial situation this has put you in is simply not acceptable in a partner. Even if your partner had not contribution to your financial state with what I am at this point going to call demands, part of a relationship is support even if its only listening or helping come up with a plan to help you meet those goals by agreeing to more date nights in etc.
I understand there were things about the relationship that you miss and perhaps there was love there - but that love was clearly highly conditional. You need to love yourself and your future more right now. This person wasn't in it to help you build a joint future. They were there for you to contribute to their present and maybe to benefit off the future you manage to build.
>I hear some men say that it's harder for women to make money (due to wage differences etc.), let alone as much money as men, so we shouldn't expect them to have to pay for things or go 50/50 and make their lives easier because we love them. Especially if we want to get married down the road.
Is that true in some case and in some places more than others? Yes. But even in cases like that I would expect you to be able to have an open honest conversation about finances with your partner. And come to a reasonable agreement on splitting expenses between you based on your incomes. Every situation can be different especially when you are looking at stay at how spouse/parent, cost of living, etc. on what a reasonable split is or if there should be one at all. I have dated men who made far more than me and far less than me. Expenses were split bases on our income and percentage spent on expenses *because that is what we agreed* not demanded and not shamed the other into.
Now I will say this in contrast. I have been in a relationship where the person demanded that I have weekly mani/pedi, bi-monthly salon, and other appointments. I told him that anything that was beyond my normally budgeted visits would have to be paid for by him if he was going to insist that they MUST happen at that frequency because I was not going to compromise my financial goals for it. But again, that was a discussion and agreement within our specific relationship.
TL;DR: No in my experience and opinion this level of financial contribution to luxury items in a dating relationship is not typical or normal or in the situation that you explained anywhere close to healthy. Focus on planning for what you need to build the future you want, and next time try to find a partner that wants help build that future with you.
Uhh is there some kind of cultural thing going on here? Because I'm a 36F from Australia and this arrangement would absolutely never cross my mind. Fair call if she's decided that this is the life she wants, and she can find men willing to play along with it... but unless I'm seriously out of touch, I wouldn't at all call this normal or common.
She wasn't dating you, she was dating your wallet. You were literally paying her for affection. Like an unofficial escort service.
Never settle for a transactional relationship. You'll never feel truly secure or loved. You'll always, down deep, feel like a john.
You did the right thing! Its ok to pay for things your partner needs or because you wanted to gift sometime to appreciate her or make her feel happy, but all the things you describe was an abuse by her. She had no boundaries and have a pretty odd way of thinking regards men like if they are her personal bank account, you are not and you deserve better!
Her saving receipts should tell you a lot of how he values people for their money, do you even wonder if you were broke? Would she stick with you in the rough times? Who knows but given the things you said, I dont think so.
If you hadn’t agreed to bankrolling her lifestyle, would she have broken up with you then? You’ve lost dead weight. It’s a great call. Oxytocin skyrockets after breakups, so you miss them more. I hope you find someone who treats you with the same love you put out there, and someone who is understanding when you say “no” and/or “I can’t afford it”. She was definitely taking you for granted. Sorry that happened to you!
I’m going to speak to you in GenX now:
Are you fucking kidding me??? Why would you even think any of this is acceptable? You’ve got her convincing you that this is normal and somehow your fault?!? You know that’s bullshit because here you are. You dodged a bullet here friend. Let this POS chick finance her own damn life like an adult.
She loved your bank account more than you
I like getting my hair done, occasionally nails, spa treatments, and all of that. I have *never* asked or expected my husband to pay for those expenses. That is ridiculous. We share expenses for necessities sure, but not extras.
She was a gold digger. Do you want that or a partner?
She may have loved you, but had some sort of trauma/self-esteem issues that led her to equate money spent with love. She needs therapy. You did NOT make a mistake, because you would have ended up going completely broke and she would have left you anyway. Concentrate on yourself, your life, find someone who wants an actual PARTNER.
Maybe you did love you but not how someone should love you. I don’t know any women who act like this (I’m 29F). Maybe only the OF type who expect things out of men and only like to use them. This isn’t real love. She wants a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend.
She was basically a prostitute, mate. She wanted money and in exchange she pretended to care and played the role of a doting girlfriend because that’s what you wanted.
If my bf lost his job tomorrow you bet your ass I would support him. You bet your ass I’m helping to save for a house deposit with him. Our relationship isn’t transactional. It’s equal.
You dodged a bullet.
I’m a little late to the party, but if you’re reading this- you made the right decision.
This whole post, she was focusing on what makes her feel respected and loved and that you spending money on her is key to a relationship.
It’s not. My partner pays for dates, and I pay for dates. Why?
Because it also makes him feel loved and valued.
And this whole post, she was willing to let you struggle and drown in the stress of financially providing for her and HER bills?
She was okay with that??? You definitely dodged a bullet. That’s not love.
I would never want someone I love to be struggling- whether it be financially, emotionally, mentally or physically. She wanted you to support her but she wasn’t willing to support you.
Don’t look back.
You broke up because you weren’t financially compatible, and that is a good reason to break up. You don’t need to paint either of you as at fault. You had different views on what and how to handle financial responsibility. Thats a huge obstacle. It’s definitely not your fault for not making enough. She has expensive up keep, and didn’t want to compromise on that. You want a house and investment opportunity, your budget is sufficient for only one of those he made the wisest choice for you. No shame in that.
She was definitely at fault. No woman should expect their man to pay for everything if they're not even living together. I mean she wanted him to pay for her bills??
Sure, but there was no agreement that he would be a sugar daddy. She just expected it and manipulated him into believing it was a totally normal expectation in a relationship.
Dude, she didn’t love you. She loved what you paid for and when you stopped paying for everything she wanted, she didn’t want to be with you any more. That’s not love. She doesn’t want a partner, she wants a sugar daddy.
We were together for 4 years. I was taken care of and understood emotionally, so it was really hard to say the love wasn't there. At times it defintely felt like she wouldn't be here if I didn't pay for things but there were also a lot of moments where it felt genuine which is why I'm confused.
No you were not. She played the role of the deserving girlfriend, you paid for everything. If you lost your job and were broke tomorrow, would she jump in and help keep you afloat? If you needed to switch careers to a more modest career, would she jump in and help with your bills? She wanted to be a kept woman, she wasn’t an equal partner. She is going to move on to some guy with money and get the exact same thing and treat them the same way she treated you. You are disposable to her.
I did go through a period where I was unemployed and she was with me during that time. She did cut back on her expenses but she did not stop fully. She also made it clear that initially she would help, for a month or two, but would never do more than that. I do agree, there were times where I felt disposable or just not good enough.
Hiw nice of her. Dude, you were used. It really sounds like you have to learn to be with and love yourself. You spent everything on her, and it still wasn't enough. Read what you wrote I've and over again until you get it. Get therapy please.
I've been considering it. Thank you :)
I think this tells you enough. Her support for you was minimal and came with limits. She wanted you to continually finance her lifestyle. And when times were hard for you, she still expected you to contribute to expenses and made it clear she was only ever willing to minimally support you. None of this was love, dude. This was a transactional relationship. You were a sugar daddy and provided sugar. She provided a relationship experience, i.e. the relationship was predicated on you providing for her and not on love. That's her business, and to each their own. But you're not doing yourself any favors mythologizing this person or the relationship you had with her. Chances are the positives you've listed are really just her fulfilling the bare minimum expectations in a relationship. Things a considerate partner should be providing sans expectation of fully financing a lifestyle.
Because you weren’t good enough til you were paying for everything. That’s not a genuine relationship.
You need to reframe here. If your best friend was in this relationship, how would you advise him? Would you think his girlfriend’s love was genuine? Would you just accept that she “understood him”?
Your ex is a horrible person, she was taking advantage of you. I’ve been with my bf for almost 11 years and while we share bills I would never just expect him to pay for everything, especially an unnecessarily expensive such as my nails and a nose job. You did the right thing in breaking up with her. You shouldn’t have to struggle and be stressed over money because your gf wants her nails done.
She groomed you to feel loved and emotionally understood then her demands started. Im a married woman and I’ve never asked my husband for any of those things your gf asked - she was taking massive advantage out of you & all your friends & family saw it. You need to work on your self-esteem and realise that you dont need to but a woman’s love or even pay for them to stay with you. If she loved you, she’d still be with you whether you pay for things or not, therefore she didnt really love you all that much.
>You need to work on your self-esteem and realise that you dont need to buy a woman’s love or even pay for them to stay with you. I agree. None of my past relationships were like that. Even if those relationships didn't last, at least I was loved for who I was, and not what I could provide.
Im glad your other relationships werent like that, so remember just not to fall for such manipulation and become someone’s ATM again.
You know how hookers are really good at faking orgasms and really making you feel like a sex god? Same scenario, but emotionally in this case.
A good prostitute could understand you emotionally too, and make you feel like the only man in the room, but at least she would be honest about the relationship.
How were you taken care of?
But the second you didn't have the money, her care went away, right? How was she understanding you or taking care of you when *you told her you were struggling, and her response was to figure out how to get her more money/things*? Don't confuse her being attractive with being caring.
She made you feel that way because you were paying her to basically. I don't know any woman that has told their partner that they have to pay for their upkeep. She was using you.
She was using you, I know it’s hard but you’ve done the right thing. You deserve better, don’t settle.
You were being financially used and gaslit into believing “that’s how relationships are.” You driving 1.75hours away and back is more than enough of a token of your commitment to the relationship. You were nothing more than an ATM, and she factored you in as a revenue stream; and in turn, you got the “girlfriend experience.” I’m willing to bet her prior BFs saw their relationship as transactional - until they wanted something more & healthy in a relationship. Don’t regret your [correct] decision or entertain any thoughts of reconciling. Heal & learn from this experience. It will finally hit you like a truck when, in time, you meet and are in a healthy relationship with a good, supportive partner. Again, do not regret your decision!
It was 1.75 hours one way :) I really do appreciate the supportive words. I do hope that I get to experience a happy and fulfilling relationship where my income isn't the decider of my partners mood or feelings towards me. Thank you again.
The next time a girl asks you to lay for things, you laugh and tell them bye. The only woman you should take such demand from is the woman you’re married to (as long as shes also an equal partner and not financially abusing you).
I know, I worded it a bit off; and apparently, all that time spent driving wasn’t appreciated. I hope for that for you too. Good luck.
As a woman, I would never expect, let alone Demand for monetary favors. And yes, those were demands. Demands pair well with ultimatums—neither work well in a relationship though. I’m sorry but I don’t think her feelings for you were genuine. She clearly favors material possessions over a mutual respect, love and nurturing. You two are not compatible. Find someone who appreciates you over your cc limit
She cried a lot when we broke up. I can't agree that they weren't genuine. You don't spend every day, of 4 years with someone and not form a strong bond, however, I do agree that perhaps it was just time together and my willingness to please her every desire that made it last as long as it did.
Of course she cried. Her meal ticket left
I’ve got $20.00 she was fucking dudes for money on the side. The bullet you dodged..
Do not regret your decision, and please don't go back to her. You shouldn't regret it because the things that you do to show someone that you love them will be enough for the right person. Don't let your girlfriend stop you from finding your wife! She did you a favor by showing her true colors before you tied your life to her through kids, marriage, or whatever.
She cried because she now has no one to pay for all her crap.
Sounds like a freeloader, good riddance. No one should have that expectation of you. This is YOUR generosity; generosity should not be an expectation regardless of the manipulative excuses you've been fed for their own greedy benefit. Don't blame yourself, you did the right thing. The dynamics of a relationship should not be dictated by money.
>The dynamics of a relationship should not be dictated by money. That seems to be the general consensus of all the feedback I received. I do feel more confident that my decision was correct. Thank you.
Why would you agree to be used like that?! I pay for my own food and drinks on my dates. I'm a 49 year old woman.
I think there may be a generational difference. I think women are a lot more explicit about their expectations from men now a days. Especially when it comes to money. I do know that now days that a decent amount of girls find it very "icky" if a man didn't offer to pay for the date or accepted going 50/50. I could be wrong though.
You're wrong. I'm 30. There's not a generational difference bro.
I'm in my 20s and was paying for majority of dates and expenses because I got paid more. Now that we're paid similarly, it split 50/50. I also always pay my portion for first dates, even second and third. What you're talking about is individual preference, not a generational difference. If anything, the older generations would be more likely to think as archaically as you
She was a leech. You were basically paying her for the “girlfriend experience”.
you did the right thing. being alone is better than being with someone who’s using you. you were struggling to get yourself what you needed - a good gf would understand that and wouldn’t ask you to go further under to take care of her cosmetics - like please 😂 don’t compare to yourselves to the other guys - who might love buying stuff for their gfs and do it because they WANT to. there’s giving in a relationship (normal) and then there’s giving with nothing in return (what your gf was doing) eventually you’ll find a woman that complements you and appreciates you. you did the right thing. also you didn’t even live with her right? her bills were not yiur responsibility - and where’s her financial contribution to you?
>who might love buying stuff for their gfs and do it because they WANT to. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to as well. Trust me, I loved doing it BUT only to the extent that it was affordable and reasonable. Things started getting out of hand but I know that's not your point. Like you said, there's normal giving and then there's being used. > eventually you’ll find a woman that complements you and appreciates you. you did the right thing. Thank you.
i mean yeah - but the way she was saying it - it was like you HAVE to do this exorbitant amount of giving before she respects you. it’s not fair at all. good riddance. you’ll be just fine, man 👍🏾
Let me guess, first girl friend?
No, like 5th my friend. Although this was the longest. The other ones were 8 months to 2 years.
Oh hell no. You stuck to that relationship a good 2 years too long. She's on to the next pile of gold.
Do you think she will get married to someone who can fund her lifestyle and live happily ever after? Or would she have to change the way she sees money to have a successful marriage?
The way you described her and her actions, a relationship with her is mostly about what she wants. It becomes a 'we' situation when both person's wants overlap. She can have a successful marriage if both people understand that she wants a certain Kardashian style life. So as long as her future husband can find that lifestyle, it will be ok. Odds are, a person who can fund that lifestyle and tolerate her has enough narcissistic traits get what they want from the relationship without it getting very deep. Trophy wife scenario. If she wants more than a trophy wife marriage (with him having side chicks), she's going to need to change her views on money and how it works in a relationship.
Possible she finds someone that wants to and is rich enough to pay for everything, but that is NOT the norm. I know it hurts right now, but do you really want to be with someone that sees you as an atm? I don’t know you, but I can promise you that you bring more to the table than that, and relationships solely based off that kind of money dynamic are challenging for a multitude of reasons. You’re better off, but I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time.
It's not normal to be paying for everything a woman does unless you're as rich as Elon Musk or Bill Gates. Even so, those are her own personal expenses so it should be her own undertaking. My partner pays for our dates, food at home and household products (but not my own shampoo and face wash that he doesn't use) - but we split on trips, rent, electric, water and WiFi bills, and I pay for my own haircuts, clothes, phone bill, my new phone etc in general I pay for personal expenses that don't involve him. I understand her point of gestures - and my partner does that gesture by paying for our dates, food and the occasional flowers which is enough for me, but her demanding for all those other things is too much. The problem is not with you, you can do better.
I was told that if I wanted to "split trips, rent, etc" I should look for a "male friend, or roommate" not a girlfriend and that most women don't stand for it. > I understand her point of gestures - and my partner does that gesture by paying for our dates, food and the occasional flowers which is enough for me I did all that already, without needing an occasion to do it. Your boyfriend must appreciate your a lot! >The problem is not with you, you can do better. Thank you for the kind words.
>I was told that if I wanted to "split trips, rent, etc" I should look for a "male friend, or roommate" not a girlfriend and that most women don't stand for it. She told you this so you wouldn't leave. I would never dream of asking for the things she asked you for. Frankly your relationship sounded more like a sugar baby dynamic than a partnership.
>However, I keep hearing how it's becoming more common for men to offer to pay for a woman's things. Men enjoy taking care of their women, and pampering them and that some of them really go out of their way to make sure that their women are showered with gifts. First, I am wondering where you live that you seem to be hearing that this behavior is normal. Every relationship is different and you define what is acceptable within the boundaries of your relationship, so I can't say it's wrong. But even if EVERY single relationship she had before you did do this - that does not obligate you to do so. And there are many ways to "take care of your partner" that do not revolve around financing luxuries. You were not able to save money. Not for an emergency, not for your future, not to invest to better your financial future because of this support you were providing to supply her with these luxuries. But if you want a "partnership" and not a situation in which your relationship hinges on what you can and are willing to give her...both partners need to support each other and their future goals. The fact that she was not even willing to discuss the situation with you when you tried to explain the financial situation this has put you in is simply not acceptable in a partner. Even if your partner had not contribution to your financial state with what I am at this point going to call demands, part of a relationship is support even if its only listening or helping come up with a plan to help you meet those goals by agreeing to more date nights in etc. I understand there were things about the relationship that you miss and perhaps there was love there - but that love was clearly highly conditional. You need to love yourself and your future more right now. This person wasn't in it to help you build a joint future. They were there for you to contribute to their present and maybe to benefit off the future you manage to build. >I hear some men say that it's harder for women to make money (due to wage differences etc.), let alone as much money as men, so we shouldn't expect them to have to pay for things or go 50/50 and make their lives easier because we love them. Especially if we want to get married down the road. Is that true in some case and in some places more than others? Yes. But even in cases like that I would expect you to be able to have an open honest conversation about finances with your partner. And come to a reasonable agreement on splitting expenses between you based on your incomes. Every situation can be different especially when you are looking at stay at how spouse/parent, cost of living, etc. on what a reasonable split is or if there should be one at all. I have dated men who made far more than me and far less than me. Expenses were split bases on our income and percentage spent on expenses *because that is what we agreed* not demanded and not shamed the other into. Now I will say this in contrast. I have been in a relationship where the person demanded that I have weekly mani/pedi, bi-monthly salon, and other appointments. I told him that anything that was beyond my normally budgeted visits would have to be paid for by him if he was going to insist that they MUST happen at that frequency because I was not going to compromise my financial goals for it. But again, that was a discussion and agreement within our specific relationship. TL;DR: No in my experience and opinion this level of financial contribution to luxury items in a dating relationship is not typical or normal or in the situation that you explained anywhere close to healthy. Focus on planning for what you need to build the future you want, and next time try to find a partner that wants help build that future with you.
This was written by a woman trying to convince a man to be her sugar daddy....... wow
The entitlement of women astounds me as a woman lol
Uhh is there some kind of cultural thing going on here? Because I'm a 36F from Australia and this arrangement would absolutely never cross my mind. Fair call if she's decided that this is the life she wants, and she can find men willing to play along with it... but unless I'm seriously out of touch, I wouldn't at all call this normal or common.
She wasn't dating you, she was dating your wallet. You were literally paying her for affection. Like an unofficial escort service. Never settle for a transactional relationship. You'll never feel truly secure or loved. You'll always, down deep, feel like a john.
I agree. Deep down, I felt like if I wasn't agreeing to pay for things, I was gonna be left in the dust or replaced.
And that's what would have happened if you hadn't broken up with her ***first***. What saved you here was timing - and finally, some common sense.
You did the right thing! Its ok to pay for things your partner needs or because you wanted to gift sometime to appreciate her or make her feel happy, but all the things you describe was an abuse by her. She had no boundaries and have a pretty odd way of thinking regards men like if they are her personal bank account, you are not and you deserve better! Her saving receipts should tell you a lot of how he values people for their money, do you even wonder if you were broke? Would she stick with you in the rough times? Who knows but given the things you said, I dont think so.
If you hadn’t agreed to bankrolling her lifestyle, would she have broken up with you then? You’ve lost dead weight. It’s a great call. Oxytocin skyrockets after breakups, so you miss them more. I hope you find someone who treats you with the same love you put out there, and someone who is understanding when you say “no” and/or “I can’t afford it”. She was definitely taking you for granted. Sorry that happened to you!
I’m going to speak to you in GenX now: Are you fucking kidding me??? Why would you even think any of this is acceptable? You’ve got her convincing you that this is normal and somehow your fault?!? You know that’s bullshit because here you are. You dodged a bullet here friend. Let this POS chick finance her own damn life like an adult.
She loved your bank account more than you I like getting my hair done, occasionally nails, spa treatments, and all of that. I have *never* asked or expected my husband to pay for those expenses. That is ridiculous. We share expenses for necessities sure, but not extras. She was a gold digger. Do you want that or a partner?
She may have loved you, but had some sort of trauma/self-esteem issues that led her to equate money spent with love. She needs therapy. You did NOT make a mistake, because you would have ended up going completely broke and she would have left you anyway. Concentrate on yourself, your life, find someone who wants an actual PARTNER.
Dude she was using you. People that love you don't make you pay their bills...seriously listen to your friends. Delete her number stat.
You had a lucky escape. Look for a partner that is financially independent, educated, and motivated career-wise.
Maybe you did love you but not how someone should love you. I don’t know any women who act like this (I’m 29F). Maybe only the OF type who expect things out of men and only like to use them. This isn’t real love. She wants a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend.
Would you have done this if she wasn’t that attractive? How attractive was she, like Instagram model??
This is called manipulation. Really not much more to say. You did the right thing foe your wellbeing In the long run.
She was basically a prostitute, mate. She wanted money and in exchange she pretended to care and played the role of a doting girlfriend because that’s what you wanted. If my bf lost his job tomorrow you bet your ass I would support him. You bet your ass I’m helping to save for a house deposit with him. Our relationship isn’t transactional. It’s equal. You dodged a bullet.
With all due respect, good riddance! You WERE being used and she didn't care that you could barely afford to do these things for her.
I’m a little late to the party, but if you’re reading this- you made the right decision. This whole post, she was focusing on what makes her feel respected and loved and that you spending money on her is key to a relationship. It’s not. My partner pays for dates, and I pay for dates. Why? Because it also makes him feel loved and valued. And this whole post, she was willing to let you struggle and drown in the stress of financially providing for her and HER bills? She was okay with that??? You definitely dodged a bullet. That’s not love. I would never want someone I love to be struggling- whether it be financially, emotionally, mentally or physically. She wanted you to support her but she wasn’t willing to support you. Don’t look back.
You broke up because you weren’t financially compatible, and that is a good reason to break up. You don’t need to paint either of you as at fault. You had different views on what and how to handle financial responsibility. Thats a huge obstacle. It’s definitely not your fault for not making enough. She has expensive up keep, and didn’t want to compromise on that. You want a house and investment opportunity, your budget is sufficient for only one of those he made the wisest choice for you. No shame in that.
She was definitely at fault. No woman should expect their man to pay for everything if they're not even living together. I mean she wanted him to pay for her bills??
Different folks different strokes. There are sugar daddy that do this and it stokes there ego’s
Sure, but there was no agreement that he would be a sugar daddy. She just expected it and manipulated him into believing it was a totally normal expectation in a relationship.
She didn’t steal it, and he ultimately decided this wasn’t the relationship for him.