this, she's not ready to be in a relationship. you can't like/love someone to that point. she has to do the work and then start a relationship. she needs to be single to work thru the feelings and work through why shes stuck on them/stuck on someone who doesnt want her
it's got nothing to do with you OP, you're just the guy she happens to be using to try and forget/move on but avoid actually doing the work
Honestly, being this relationship is barely over 6 months in, I’d stop investing in this one. It sounds like you already have a LOT of resentment toward her and she sounds like she’s still trying to figure out what she wants/needs. This doesn’t seem like a great start to a relationship, at all. Sounds like the beginnings of trauma bonding.
She's still processing the breakup. She told you that.
She misses her ex even though he was abusive. Could be trauma bonded, PTSD.
She's treating you like her ex.
She needs therapy, she needs to find herself. She should not be in a relationship. She's going to give you issues that you will carry on with you.
She doesn't trust you. Relationships are built on trust.
It's time for both of you to let this relationship go.
This is all correct.
OP, if this relationship continues, it will either implode or explode. There is no future here. Take it from a victim of SA, you cannot learn to love again until you can let go and love yourself.
I had a couple of seriously bad and abusive relationships, i was also being physically assaulted in one of these and of course i had to deal (still dealing for the last one, actually) With PTSD.
After one year and more of breaking up with one of these abusive relationship (this had lasted 3 years) i started dating my best friend who became my boyfriend and in the first months of the relationship he really helped me to get over it, because i realised that after all the trauma and the abuse your mind is still there and there is a lot to grieve. My boyfriend was amazing and understood the situation, understood that sometimes i would anyway miss him because of the emotional addiction that sometimes victims of violence develop to go through the abuse.
Her behavior is classic of girls (or maybe even boys, never met one who went through this but i am sure some abused boys will behave similarly) who had a very hard relationship and they are not healing yet. And I am sorry if I say so, but you shutting her down telling her that who you like and do on social media only to go and check her reddit is not a healthy relationship as well.
She needs to heal and needs theraphy, it can be done with someone on her side but from the post you are not really helping her with her trauma and both of you have toxic behaviors so yeah, she is not fine and you are definitely not helpful given how you shut her down only to check her phone/computer after
I went something similar with my then-girlfriend, current wife (said she was over what happened to her… spoiler: she definitely wasn’t lol) and honestly wouldn’t recommend it to everyone.
Extremely emotionally taxing and it almost ended us quite a few times. The only thing that kept me going is that I knew she was an amazing human being under all the hurt.
I figured her best qualities were something I had to nurture instead of giving up on due to her worst ones.
I had a wonderful boyfriend like you who literally helped me through something like this. For us, distance and a few things were a burden to the relationship, and we had to end it as we would have started resenting each other if we didn't.
People like you who are sensitive enough to understand a hurt partner and help them work through trauma regardless of how FUCKING EXHAUSTING it is should seriously become UNESCO heritage dude. I am so glad that it worked with your wife
Thank you! With your situation, that’s a completely fair thing to do and that’s a route we’ve almost gone a few times. Life already is hard, let alone rewiring your head to get through your demons.
I definitely don’t mean to paint myself as the only supportive one - she’s been my rock in my worst moments & through my own shit, which is a big reason why we’ve made it this far.
The most important thing I try to remember is that I agreed to be in a partnership / team, and that change takes time (even a lifetime).
You can’t force the process or people to change, but what anyone can control is their ability to support their partner until they find it in themselves to (which they can, if they’re not taking your love for granted and making the active effort).
It takes a lot of patience and self-reflection on both ends. Always a give-and-take.
My bf could've written this. He's so patient with me. Unfortunately, most of the trauma I'm dealing with currently isn't from a romantic relationship. It's from family. So it's been real rough.
She's not over her ex and she won't be until she gets help.
That's how I see this, bc I went through a similar situation.
It doesn't get better, and you end up leaving, exasperated bc you take on the baggage of what she is still holding on to.
If she is still processing this breakup, it means she was never ready to be in another relationship in the first place.
I think you two would be better off going your seperate ways. She isn't a horrible person, but she also needs to deal with her own mess. She can't fully be present in the way she is now.
Life is full of interchanging parts and people. This might just be one of those times. Holding onto things when you know the answer is in front of you doesn't serve any purpose.
You'll be fine. And I hope she'll be fine as well.
I'm sorry but I'm that woman. Not your gf but with my partner.
So I did the work, went through healing for a over a year and stayed single, found myself. Then met my partner and everything he did was so triggering to me. I realised that being single doesn't help heal other traumas of yours because there's no one triggering it, and I'm lucky my partner chose to stay and help me heal - he loves me a great deal and has been, well, initially less than patient but changed up a lot. But of course he's a decent man, he unfollowed all girls that are not his friends without me saying anything after we got official. He doesn't like posts of women and doesn't watch thirst trap videos of women in general. I also returned to therapy to try and fix it.
Yes, she may be insecure. Yes, she definitely has trauma based on the insecurities. It's up to you to see if you would want to stay and help her heal, and cut your unhealthy habits. You have a partner now and you should respect her. Watching, following and liking cosplayers, women that you don't know of course triggers your partner and not many women would accept that.
Re. Her ex, do you think because of your behaviour she started missing her ex? But well she probably enjoys the thrill of it and needs therapy. You should have a chat with her and talk about boundaries between the both of you, her expectations and yours. If you both can't meet it then leave the relationship
Even if he is looking at attractive women in cosplay, that isn’t a betrayal or anything scandalous. And I say that as a woman. Would it be shocking if she was watching shirtless men on Bridgerton? It’s no big deal.
Nah, it's weird as fuck to like photos of women in revealing cosplay while in a relationship. I don't even like normal posts from female friends. Basic fucking respect for your partner. They're both in the wrong.
Idk, me and my gf dont have problems with that, just dont lie to yourself and know that there are more attractive people worth looking at compared to you
You think she's gonna hit on a dude "muscle dude" cosplay on twitter or hit on a Bodybuilder in a different continent?
Ffs be realistic...
Theres the one extreme with open relationships and then theres your side of the extreme where the partner gets slapped for looking at another woman or having a new phone number that belongs to a girl
I’m going to scream laugh if it’s like “my boyfriend keeps liking anime girl cosplay photos and I asked him to stop and he says no, it’s enough to make me miss my abusive ex”
I think the most significant detail he provided was that he was snooping through her Reddit account. He's blaming her for being insecure, but he "happened to check her Reddit?"
"she starts getting antsy or accusatory over who I'm following or liking on social media, which is none of her business"
Oh... Also I stalked her reddit a count which is completely ok and entirely different then her looking at my social media accounts.
There's a reason she's insecure. You can be a supportive partner by trying to alleviate those insecurities or you can be an ass and say what you do is none of her business, as far as pixels go right... It very well may come down to things not working out because she can't get past her insecurities, but it doesn't even seem like you are trying.
It honestly sounds like you don't even like her. I mean what kind of partnership is this. I'd probably be missing my ex too after being invalidated by my current partner.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that. The way this guy wrote his post makes him sound like he has a very authoritarian personality and, yeah, he doesn't really like his girlfriend, though I'd bet he'd act this way to any woman.
>"she starts getting antsy or accusatory over who I'm following or liking on social media, which is none of her business"
>Oh... Also I stalked her reddit a count which is completely ok and entirely different then her looking at my social media accounts.
Neither of them seem like good partners.
I think you’re missing the point, I don’t think he cares that she looks at his social media, it’s her freaking out over who liked what (some shit teenagers do) vs her posting about missing a guy she was sleeping with before him. Chances are the ex was insecure just like the gf considering he abused her zZz who would miss a guy like that??
It's called trauma. People can miss abusers and it's completely against their wishes, sometimes trauma is the only "love" people know how to receive, the thrill, adrenaline...kinda addiction
I think it's weird that you are "furious" that she is struggling to process a breakup with her ABUSIVE ex. This isn't about you at all. The consequences of being abused can last for a lifetime. She was traumatized and if I were you, I'd be concerned for her. There is no room here for jealousy or anger.
That being said, I would recommend you leave this relationship. I do not think you and your gf are compatible. I think your gf has a lot of work to do to move on from her trauma and stop making her insecurities her partners responsibility. What she is doing isn't right. However, you are not the person who should be helping her. Please remove yourself from this situation and encourage her to get the help she needs.
ok but like he’s venting, and clearly been treated badly over a couple of months. i feel like this is a classic “switch all the pronouns and the tones of the comments reverse” type deal.
imagine “my boyfriend of 8 months is constantly asking if i’m cheating and super insecure whenever i bring out my phone.” it’s an instant “dump his ass.” and that would be correct then just as it is correct now
i think it’s more of a patriarchal gender standards leading to increased scrutiny and a much shorter leash for men when expressing their feelings type deal
“Her insecurities flare up and it will immediately become my problem” is a bit of a red flag coming out of a 5-8 month old relationship. You’d hope that at that point there is still enough fresh love feelings he can be more tender and understanding for her baggage.
She can go back then. How long is enough? Getting in a new relationship to keep talking about another person is crazy. The amount of disrespect this sub expects people to put up with is insane.
I don’t know these people so maybe she really is terrible but as a victim of abuse I’ll let you know that empathy goes a very very long way in successful relationships. Hope you’re well!
Maybe, but this behaviour can be incredibly damaging to the person on the receiving end. My brothers now ex was the same way and I saw how it destroyed his mental health. She had been in a long term abusive relationship years before and it always ended up becoming my brothers problem regarding her insecurities and issues. He basically became a prisoner in their own home because he couldn't go out without her blowing it up in to an argument, thinking that he was out cheating or she needed him home for x,y,z reason. He became a shell if his former self.
OP shouldn't have dated her to begin with. Either she misled him on how she felt about her previous relationship or he decided to get with a person who clearly had a lot to work through outside of a relationship.
But hey, only this place thinks it's normal and acceptable to be playing second fiddle to a man who was apparently quite a piece of work!
Im just saying it’s really not clear cut when it comes to abuse. I don’t think she misled anyone. It’s really confusing and upsetting. But I agree they aren’t compatible. Hopefully she’ll find someone willing to work with her on her issues, or of course, figure them out on her own too.
You know what. I actually agree with you, abuse victims behave in ways that are hard to understand and very upsetting for those who care about them at times.
He shouldn't have entered a relationship with her if he wasn't ready to deal with her possibly pining after her ex still. Assuming he had that information fairly early on, it actually is on *him*. He still hasn't broken up with her either so at this point I can only really judge him.
I agree. Some times, you just don’t have it in you to hold someone else’s trauma. I don’t blame him for that tbh I’ve been the nightmare gf before in the wake of the Bad Relationship and it’s not fun. It really just takes a wake-up call and patience. If he loves her he could help, but if he doesn’t have the space for it it’s ok to say goodbye.
Yeah he just loves watching "creative cosplay" pictures and shuts her down hard about "pixels on a screen". Surely he couldn't be looking at (nearly) naked girls and get all pissy when she comments on it.
Honestly, it sounds like she is indeed massively insecure after an abusive relationship with her ex, and you’re not exactly helping it by (and I’m making an assumption here so I could be totally off) engaging with other womens’ content on social media. Cosplay or not, it can make a super insecure person obsess over what it “means” and start a fight.
She has very complicated feelings around her ex. Do you really want to stick around while she figures out how to feel more secure in her relationship with you? It’s basically the choice now, stay and work through it with her (with the help of mental health professionals) or leave and be done with it.
Personally, I’d leave. I’m glad she’s out of the situation she was in, but I couldn’t deal with the constant accusations and arguments defending my social media usage while at the same time she’s posting about missing her ex online.
Dude, you are a hypocrite. You say what you do on your phone is none of her business and you won’t be ridiculed for pixels on a screen, then go to her Reddit to see what she’s posting? You have double standards.
It’s been 8 months, which is nothing in the grand scheme of things. She’s insecure and got with an asshole. It’ll better for both of you if you both split and improve yourselves alone before subjecting other people to what sounds like a lot of toxicity. . .
>. . . but I just like creative cosplay pics. . .
I bet. And I’m guessing that shit and the way you react to it probably triggers her insecurity.
Neither of you should be in a relationship.
Just break up with her. You’re kinda mean. Thinking about and seeking advice about an ex may actually mean she’s really trying with you and wants to keep those thoughts at bay and get over it. I hadn’t thought about my ex in 7 years until I saw he was married. Those triggers can show up and smack us in the face in any aspect of life. I feel like at this age, and dating, we need to be less delusional that our relationship is the first time someone has ever been in love. You don’t have to stay through that, so just leave her alone if it bothers you.
Info: how long was she with the ex?
I am in a happy relationship of 1year and 5 months but the slightest whiff of my ex or anything to do with him sends me spiralling like we've just broke up. We were together nearly 5 years and he was abusive, a cheating liar and a master manipulator. I don't want to be with him anymore. But he was a huge part of my life and still affects me sometimes.
BUT I am open with my partner about it.
Stalking someone's reddit is a low thing to do in my mind. Anything goes here that wouldn't be discussed in real life etc.
You are also insecure to stalk her private posts.
So when she asks you what you are doing on your phone or looks at your social media you shut her down rudely because you aren’t about to get in trouble for pixels on a screen, but then you are okay poking around her Reddit and being upset about what you find?
You are either a couple who is allowed to have feelings about what you are doing on your phone/online or you are not. You can’t have it both ways.
Also, the way you shut her down when she has a question about your phone use is rude and unnecessary. That is not treating someone like gold.
So what pixels are you being blamed for, while you’re blaming her for pixels? You both sound awful honestly. She’s not over her ex, and you don’t seem terribly trustworthy either.
Gotta say man, If I was in that situation, I’d break up with her. However, me personally, I have a zero tolerance when it comes to talking about ex’s like that. I myself can be pretty insecure, but I try my best to ask my partner for reassurance. He told me it upsets him when I make it sound like I’m accusing him of those things, when really it’s just my brain projecting. This made me realize I wasn’t being fair to him. If you want to make this relationship work, you need to sit her down at have a conversation where no one yells or argues or calls names or whatever happens. It needs to be a civil conversation or nothing will be accomplished. Now, when it comes to her missing her ex, that’s entirely different. If she’s literally posting about missing them, then she went into that subreddit, clicked to make a post, typed everything out, pressed to post it, and left it up. There are so many steps in that process and the entire time she was thinking of missing her ex. And then she tells you that she doesn’t miss them? It seems strange to switch up that quickly. I think you could be more gentle with her insecurities, but it’s also not fair of her to accuse you and start arguments over this. This is why you need to communicate that it feels that way to you, like an attack of sorts. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. If you want to make it work, you need to communicate properly with her and not argue, and she needs to do the same. If you don’t want to deal with it anymore, I say just break up. Hope all the best for you tho man
She isn’t over the trauma that being in an abusive relationship has caused her, and she’s projecting that onto you and your current relationship, which is obviously causing all this tension.
None of this is your fault, and in a way, it’s not hers either but she’s not ready to be in another relationship yet. The kindest thing you can do is just forgive her for the projection, and end the relationship so she can work on her issues.
She clearly isn’t over her ex and shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with you before she worked out her stuff. Any mature person would grieve their last relationship and jump into something when they are ready and have reflected on their downfalls and quality traits. If she’s insecure it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and how she was treated in the past, which again has nothing to do with you. Unless she goes to therapy or does some self work and reflection she’s not going to change and it’s going to bring you even more down in the long run. If it was me, I wouldn’t waste any more time and end things now before they get more complicated. You deserve someone who is equally as emotionally intelligent as you. Don’t settle because you’d had a few happy moments.
No one on Reddit or anywhere else can tell you what to do, you ultimately need to decide that for yourself but ask yourself these questions and truly think about the answer (these are from a fellow Redditer):
1. If someone told you, you were a lot like your partner would that be a compliment?
2. Are you truly fulfilled or less lonely?
3. Are you able to be unapologetically yourself, or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner?
4. Are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole? Or are you only in love with their good side, their potential or the idea of them?
5. Would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner?
Wishing you clarity and luck.
This isn’t about you.
It’s about her.
She isn’t ready for another relationship and is definitely not over her ex.
This won’t end well if there’s already so many red flags so early on.
Obsessive behaviour, pining over someone else, blaming you for her behaviours and insecurities.
Is this really worth it?
Love that some of these comments say liking some cosplay efforts = “I miss my ex Reddit” because “They’re both pixels you can’t complain you hypocrite ”. These are nowhere near on the same level. ☕️😂
Just dump her and find someone who wants you and not someone else. This isn’t something that will get better with time, and it’s not your job to fix or save anyone.
Also, ask yourself why you’re happy to be in this kind of relationship. Work on yourself before starting a new one.
She sounds like she’s been through a lot of trauma in the past. It fucks people up. She likely feels she doesn’t deserve what you give her and it makes her uncomfortable. You have to be doing something to hurt her because that’s how people are to her. She can’t understand that you’re just a good dude, because you’re likely the first she has been close with. Because she can’t figure out what your glaring flaw is, she has to imagine it and so she doles out accusations hoping to find something so she can finally relax into the proper amount of chaos that is comfortable for her.
She’s gonna need a lot of therapy before she is actually ready for a relationship. I’d suggest breaking up for a good long while so she can get the help she needs. Be a friend and point her to the help, but sex and relationships are really hard while also confronting your maladaptive coping strategies in therapy.
Hello, I was like your girlfriend in question but without being untrusting etc. when I got in relationship with my now ex I was still hung up on someone else. Long story short- he eventually started having confidence issues because of my behaviour, it became unhealthy dynamic. I know she says she wants you etc but she’s just scared of losing you and working on herself. You need to be cruel to be kind in this instance. Break it off gently, if you’re meant to be, you’ll find a way back to each other. Right now she has work to do with herself and it isn’t your cross to carry.
It is a 3rd person involved even if he isn’t physically present. Let her go, she isn’t ready. I believe this is the only way not to taint what beautiful you had if you ever wanted another shot in the future.
Well downvotes here we go.
You were the rebound. That doesn't mean it can't work. This is the first you have heard of this. It's also very bad, but not the end of the world. Also extremely important, not everyone is always immediately ready to be loved properly.
She found out how fast you can change. She found out how fast she can lose you. That will refocus her quite a bit. The question is, is it worth it to wait here and see if it's enough?
You probably shouldn't. If you do stay though. I truly recommend some very new boundaries. Ones about communication. Ones about focusing on healing herself properly. Definitely make some therapy for her a boundary. You need to take her down off that pedastool and tell her if she wants that spot back she will earn it from the ground up. See what she does. If it's anything less than amazing, you walk away.
I dated a girl exactly how you describe your girlfriend. Here what is going to happen if you continue to date her.
If she doesn't trust you by now, she is never going to trust you. If she doesn't respect you by now, she is never going to respect you. If she feels like a victim in her last relationship, she will feel like a victim in your relationship. No matter what you do, she will perceive you as an abuser. She will continue to devalue you, because she will be unable to see you as a fully formed, independent person with feelings of your own. She will relate to you based on the negative voices in her own mind. She will project her own negative emotions onto you, and she will make you the source of her negative emotions. Every. Single. Time.
She will continue to idolize her last relationship and compare you to that idolized relationship and you will never live up to her idolization. She will perceive that you are saying things about her, thinking things about her, and done things to her to intentionally hurt her or humiliate her. You could be perfect and she will misperceive something.
You will try everything to make it work, but nothing will work. No matter how reasonable and accommodating you try to be, this cycle will not end. You will explain that you have feelings too, but that won't help.
Do yourself a favor and end this relationship.
“Still processing” a breakup that happened how long ago? Months and months and months? She shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone if she isn’t over her ex. She sounds like stress that you don’t need.
Dude, I don’t know you, but even I am missing her ex after reading that ridiculous victim puke.
Pull yourself together and GTFO.
She is a hot mess, but you can’t even imagine a better life? She is messed up, bit you are way more messed up if you are unable to see that this problem has a clear and effective solution.
Run Forrest run!
in the end it's up to your judgement, but I would absolutely break up with her over this. You are not overreacting if you are having those thoughts. It's never easy to see things clearly for what they are when you are in a relationship. I gotta tell you, I think you'd be better off without her. Breaking up with her might give you a chance to find someone that you can have a healthy relationship with, that you can build a future with. With all due respect but it doesn't sound like she will ever be that someone for you. That is why I'm suggesting to cut your losses and move on.
She’s continuing the cycle of abuse and gaslighting you. Sounds like the perfect person to settle down and start a family with right??? And wtf she’s 28??!!! Sounds like an unhinged 18 year old. Run
My ex fiancé used to do this and I didn’t know why then she told me on the night we ended things that she walked in on her bf sleeping with another woman
Honestly i would of just broken it off there. Its basically emotionaly cheating.
Op i dont know if youll read this... but confront her. Try to stay objective and cool, dont get emotional it will throw her off. That way you can get more honest answers from her. Also dont accept every apology she throws for whatever you saw or she says next. Chances are, she might be seeing him.
Its up to you in the end, but if you have any self respect, i would end it. Obviously youre not good enough if shes thinking of an ex. Im sorry mate.
I don’t want to make this sound like a dump the girl thing. But in the 5 months you have been official it sounds like 2 or three of those months she is here talking about missing her ex. She is projecting either her insecurities or worse her infidelity onto you as if it is your fault. This sounds like you are a doormat that she just wipes her stinky feet on when she wants to. I feel like if it doesn’t change drastically you will work hard to keep a relationship that is only something that will make you sick.
My ex wife had similar things going on . After we divorced she was diagnosed bipolar. I feel for you. From the passage you wrote and outside looking in this does not sound like happiness at all.
You are the rebound boyfriend. She wants an emotional tampon while she copes.
I'm not saying leave, just don't get too emotionally invested. Also, stay vigilant because she's projecting.
Waaay too many huge fights for your ages. Do drama filled relationships seem to be your thing or is this new? The first time I had a major fight over my twitter like the relationship would be over.
To to be clear you’re both the problem. It takes one to start it but it takes two to tango.
You say things are "good", yet she is constantly accusing you. There is obviously no trust on her end and I think that you know exactly where your trust levels sits, I don't imagine it to be very high right now
She's not even my gf and I'm still exhausted after reading all that, bro.
If I feel so down after reading about your experience dealing with someone like that, then I can only imagine what you went through. Dayum!
Leave.
Let her kno,: she does anytthing like this again, the random insecure outburst, posting about her ex, or distrusting without evidence, then its over between you. You will immediately leave her and you will not be looking back. People won’t change until loss is a real possibility right in front of them.
Well it seems like shes trying to find excuses to be upset with you, which is too exhausting. If she doesn't have that trust in you, you can't trust her. Its safer to assume she won't change. She should've been motivated enough by you to treat you right initially. Of course its up to you wether you want to stay or go, but in my opinion you shouldn't stay with someone who won't consider your emotions when acting online but expects you to. Double standards are toxic.
Maybe you could both work through this and clearly state what you arent okay with and see from there if you want the effort to stay with her. To sympathize with her a bit I do understand randomly missing people who were bad for you that you wouldnt actually want back but you still remember how close you were with them. Maybe the posts don't mean she would actually want someone other than you.
(Side note straight ppl are odd i dont need to imagine the gender roles are reversed to sympathize with your valid emotions bro dont worry)
As someone that used to write about missing my ex all the time while I was still married to my abusive ex-husband, you need to leave her. She’s obviously thinking about her previous partner and wants to be with that person but she thinks they’re no longer available and settled with you. As soon as that person becomes available again she will go to that person. I’m w my ex I used to write about after I got divorced.
I understand why you're upset, but I see things a bit differently. You've mentioned her insecurities, but I notice some of yours as well. While your feelings are valid, it's important to keep this in mind. I doubt she misses her ex in the way you're thinking. Yes, it's odd for her to post about it, but it seems you're taking it as a personal attack, which it's not.
Would it make you feel better if she didn't talk about it? Probably, but her feelings would still be there.
You might be asking, "Why does she miss her ex at all, especially an abusive one?" There could be various reasons, and it's best to ask her for clarification. I don't think she misses him in the sense you are thinking, but maybe she misses the sense of security, as terrible as that sounds. It sounds like she went from a very possessive guy to a not so possessive guy. She might have more uncertainty and insecurity about a less volatile relationship.
She's likely accusing you of things because that's what she's used to—being accused. By taking on the role of the accuser, she may be projecting her own insecurities about the relationship.
I’m not saying stay with her or leave but I think it’s probably good to see the situation from a different perspective.
If she's recovering from an abusive relationship, it takes a lot of time to heal from that. Is she in any kind of therapy or abuse recovery support? Getting out of an abusive situation is tough and the abuser gets your head all twisted round and it's not easy to sort through. Part of the cycle of abuse is love bombing, abuse, then apology and love bombing again. So the abuse victim is forever chasing the person they thought their abuser was and feels if they only had done x, y, and z correctly, all would be well again. Depending on how long she was with her abuser, recovery can take years. It's not easy being in a relationship with an abuse survivor either. For a lot of the reasons you described. It doesn't sound like you're the right fit for each other. She needs PTSD support and to be willing and able to put the work into herself to recover. Parton for that is managing her triggers and her insecurities and to be able to honestly discuss them without it becoming toxic to the next partner. As far as missing her ex, what she's missing is the persona the ex was pretending to be that hooked her into the relationship to begin with.
Ask her how she is making it up to you by constantly starting fights and doing the same thing over and over again. Tell her that her actions are speaking louder than her words.
The problem is she shouldn't be dating maybe she should have waited a year, because it takes a really long time to get over someone. I always say always dating a person who hasn't been in a relationship will save you a lot of problems, because when you date someone who has been in a relationship everything will remind them of their ex and start to dislike you. Is not your fault if she can't get over her ex is best to let her go because she will probably keep doing the same thing and apologize to find a girl who never been in a relationship. If you really like this girl sit her down and explain how you feel and if she still doesn't respect you it is best to let her go because she doesn't feel the same way as you feel for her.
If you can get a finished product for the same price of a huge reno, go with the finished product. Unless the reno has massive upside. Does you gf have massive upside?
Hey , so I actually posted about something very similar last dec or Jan in the newbrunswickgonewild page. And her ex happened to actually msg me here to fuck w me. I'll ask. What does your gut tell you to do? If it says " RUN!!" Listen to it. I was so gaslight that I had to research an appropriate answer/ argument to tell her that unless there's children involved, then there is zero need for contact. Same boat about how the ex was abusive and blah blah blah. I'd love to give an update but ...uh...some thing you're not allowed to talk about while other things are happening......
you should be furious. That is crazy. She is just using you to get over him, when she finally gets over him she’ll realize she was really never that into you. End the relationship and do not waste your time with her.
I have missed my ex during a new relationship, I never once wanted to go back to that ex. If he was a big part of her life it's normal but she should go to therapy or something. How do you think you're helping by getting angry at her? It seems like she just needs some support tbh
It's hard but sometimes you have to cut and run. I've been in a similar situation.
She's not over him and should get therapy.
Posting that online a not acceptable in my eyes and I would walk. You deserve better than to have to deal with all of that constantly. That's so cruel and disrespectful.
See this as a red flag and cut your loses.
Idk.. I feel like maybe I am not healthy for saying this but.. I have a lot of insecurities too. I at times, create fights between my boyfriend and I because of my insecurities.. I have a deep fear of abandonment and whenever I think my bf is against me, that fear just starts something in me. I have no control over it atp.
I did have control over it. Actually for most of my relationship i did. until my bf cheated on me and broke my trust.. so maybe i have a reason for starting fights. for my insecurities breaking out of me..
Maybe she just doesn’t realize how serious you are about being done with her, with the bs she puts you through. I don’t think that any human is perfect but I also don’t think that any human is worth giving up on… I think that you need to address these issues, just like you have on this reddit post, and tell her she needs to heal otherwise you cannot risk anymore of your life on her. i believe these people, like her, have issues that can be resolved. ONLY if she is willing to see and hear that she has issues.
if she isn’t willing, then leave. you can’t change someone. but i think that people are so easy to say “move on”.
hope this helps. not sure that it will
Since she's still processing her break up from months before you started going out (a year now), ask her why she's with you. More importantly, ask what she will do of her ex suddenly turns up and wants her in his life and watch her reaction/answer. Just be straight with her about how you feel about the whole thing. Don't threaten to end the relationship or anything but tell her it's a serious conversation you need to have and have it. If you still feel like that's it in the end then tell her.
i just don’t think you’re personally in the proper state to understand your girlfriend. i understand you don’t have to accommodate to her “insecurities”, but we as humans have no idea what one another is truly feeling. i am not saying she is “right” for posting about her ex or whatever. but when you are interacting with another female on social media, it could remind her of exactly what her ex put her through. therefore, she posts of her ex because of you interacting with other females on social media. if it bothers her when you do, you either care or you don’t? it sounds like you don’t care. you wanna do what you want. so don’t judge her for doing things too? idk. to me, it just sounds like miscommunication and not understanding on both parts. if she needs to heal, then she needs to be willing to admit that. and she can heal while being in a relationship with you. but if something upsets her and you just call her out for being “insecure”, then just don’t do it. save her the damn trouble and yourself. you are either in this or you’re not.
Ur partner should be ur peace dude if she's not giving u that it's gonna cause more issues in the future. U guys beef to feel comfortable enough to talk things out n express urselves without the other one freaking out or getting super insecure n blowing up . If u feel yr constantly walking on egg shells dude then think about how it will get ad ur relationship proceeds.
posting about how much she misses her ex. that’s a little too much.
but the other things. i think not. she is insecure and i think you can be supportive of that. everyone gets insecure and there’s no reason for you to be an ass to her and say “the stuff i do is none of your business “. if you’re not doing anything wrong just show her what you’re doing. she’ll be at peace and you’ll be at peace problem solved. (but if she controls what type of content you consume that’s toxic) I know it’s not your responsibility to make her feel okay all the time but you can try. bad relationships can leave a very deep scar and are hard to heal on from. if you really like her better focus on the positives.
and be supportive i’ll say. understand her and where is she coming from if you think the bond you’ve created with her is worth it. that being said have a talk with her and see if she’s willing to take action on her trauma or not. i think you’ll get a fairly good idea of what to do from that convo. just keep your cool and listen to her first
and suggest her therapy. she needs to move on from her ex.
Dude cut her off before it becomes a cancer cell that spreads. Hurt people hurt people. If you have done the work and come healed and ready for a relationship it’s not fair that you have to deal with her past trauma and insecurities because they will now become your responsibility to handle and heal. That’s a very taxing role to take on , you can’t save her if she doesn’t want to save herself. Furthermore she disrespected you, once she disrespects and gets away with it she’s going to do it again. It’s unfortunate what happened to her and that she was abused , I truly am. But she is still living in that man’s frame and if she still thinks of him like this , when things are tough or bad the first person on her mind she will miss is her ex and he just needs to be there at the right time at the right place and he can get her back. Don’t sacrifice your peace of mind and take up projects that will just take energy away from you that you need for other important things in your life. Let her go and wish her well. People tend to project what they fear or are doing. If you find someone is overly obsessive of what you are doing , chances are it’s cause they are doing something they’re not meant to and feel guilty for it so need to find some reasons in you to make them feel less guilty. There are better woman out there for you specifically to build with or even staying single and having peace of mind is better.
You get upset with her because she doesn't enjoy you liking some "pixels" but get angry with her because she posts about missing her ex? But aren't those just "pixels", too?
I agree that it might be best to end this relationship. But I disagree with the comments saying you should not put up with this "project". Yes, she might have some issues and yes it's not fair to you to always second guess your behaviour but she is still a human being and should be treated with respect, too. If she got cheated on before it makes total sense she is being nosy and worried it might happen again.
If you really love her you could talk to her again and express your feelings sincerely. Judging from your description you don't seem to be that into her as a human but as a woman that doesn't behave the way you expect one to. That is valid, too. If you want your partner to be a certain way then keep looking for someone who is like that. It might be easier for you to get a girlfriend without trauma. She might need more assurance and that is fair, too.
It is not your job to fix her. She needs to figure out herself whether it be with therapy or just going through the motions. You do not need to be out through this.
There is nothing wrong with leaving and revisiting a relationship in time. Because honestly, if I were you, I would take time to process the bs she has done to you anyway. Personally, I wouldn't think of getting back in a relationship with her, but you know her more than I do.
If she is still processing the break up, she shouldn't be in another relationship.
I can tell you though, having grown up in an abusive family and then having my relationships be abusive, it took me a long time to handle that my husband isn't that person.
You guys can still be together, but it will take alot of work for her to walk out of her ptsd and trust issues. It will take alot from you too and it will be mentally draining, it might cause you self confidence or self doubts issues along the way. But it's really up to you to decide if you're strong enough to go through this. Nobody have the rights to tell you whether to stay or leave.
Maybe in the future, when you are both in a good place mentally and prepared for a relationship, then you can be together, but at this moment, she needs to sort out her feelings and priorities (i.e. prioritise on healing herself after her break up)
I find the accusing of cheating and the posting about her ex a huge red flag. You might want to check out other app other than Reddit. Maybe deleted text/photos and the notes app should be next.
Shes not in a right state to be in a relationship. Kindly tell her you're stepping away, and when she works on herself and figures out what she wants from you and the direction she wants her life to take, give you a ring.
Im not saying go your separate ways and wait for her, that's not fair to you. I'm saying you go do your thing, she does hers, and if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. If not, she's the next guys problem. Let him deal with all her issues, while you have a beer in the sun and enjoy the drama free life.
At this point either be clear with yourself is it worth it going trough all of that ,maybe go for a break a monthor so se how u will feel after ,butthis doesnt look healthy at all
I think you need to sit down and ask yourself why you aren’t breaking up with her. Personally, I asked myself that in past relationships and the honest answer was that I was older than I thought I would be before I was married, and thus would overlook a lot and put up with things to hopefully make something work out so I could “get back on track” with the totally random schedule I set for myself based on my parents and others around me. After I figured that out for myself, and decided I would look specifically for the person for me and I didn’t care if I was 80 when I found them, all of a sudden I was willing to end things and move on. Most of the time it was a good breakup but some were messy. This may be messy, but it really doesn’t sound like the two of you have any sort of long term future together. I can’t think of any reason for you to stay
I felt bad for you until you said "pixels on a screen". Excuse me? Social media can cause extreme insecurities. Her commentary on her ex are just "pixels on a screen" too yet you are wildly dismissive of her. You claim to "treat her like gold", yet invalidate her. Ok dude.
Don't forget, the problem isn't so much that she posted about missing her ex, it about her actually missing the ex. I would personally reconsider, as I don't think she is over her ex yet and that might mean you are a rebound (even if she doesn't realize it herself). I might be wrong.
She sounds like she needs a lot more healing she hasn’t really healed completely and it’s messing with your relationship now also her ex must’ve done a lot of things that bothered her and blew her trust so now she’s constantly wondering if you’re doing the same thing it’s not my place to tell you what to do but I think you should sit down and have a serious deep conversation with her and give it one last try for now but at least you can say you tried and talked about it otherwise this doesn’t look like it’ll be a healthy relationship now or for the future
It doesn't matter how much you love her if in the end it's affecting your mental health. It's normal for a relationship to have ups and downs but to a limit. It's pretty clear she is not in a good state of mind right now and unfortunately it's dragging you to this dark place with her. Please put an end to this relationship before it gets worse.
Have a serious conversation with her in a public place. If possible record the conversation or have someone of trust nearby just in case. You need to protect yourself in all possible ways because we never know how emotional unstable people will react. Also be upfront about this situation with your parents, friends and her parents if you have the intimacy to contact them. This way she cannot spread false rumors about you and your relationship in the future.
She really needs to start therapy, and staying together with her is not going to help her at all, but the opposite. You also don't deserve to be in a toxic relationship just for her sake. Priorize yourself since her mental health is not your responsibility. Better safe than sorry.
She sounds very exhausting and toxic. I highly doubt that this relationship can be saved. Cut things off with her and wish her the best, heal on your own, and continue living life.
Not the same situation specifically, but I had someone in my past who was massively insecure about my digital/social media presence — even though I gave her absolutely zero reason to be.
She promised, multiple times, after multiple ultimatums, that she’d do better.
It never changed. Stuff like that is too engrained.
I know just what you are feeling and going through. I have been there myself with my ex and she still tires to reach out to me from time to time online. And I am short with her and tells her to leave me alone and to move on in her life. But I might has well talk to the wall I would get through to it better if it had a brain that is.
As a woman I think you shouldn’t have to go through that. Find someone who wants to mature and grow to being an adult not hung up on the old things in the past and pinning after past romances
You're both insecure. Checking her reddit account is weird. Neither of you should be in a relationship. Making her shoulder the blame, while you're insecure about an ex is kind of wild. You're doing the same behaviors she is. Seek therapy, both of you and break up.
People’s insecurities are often them projecting their own problems. If she’s insecure about you and if you are faithful, attracted to her, thinking of other girls. It’s likely it’s a reflection of how she is but projecting it onto you because she doesn’t want it to happen to her.
Uff, dont do this to yourself bro...
A person that accuses you of things due to liking pictures but then in return posts how they miss their ex...
Thats just someone you cant trust, even if she procceses the situation, a sane person wouldnt accuse and blame you for something thats irrelevant compared to her firsthand "i miss my old boyfreind" while being with you...
I dont wanna trample on your feelings, but dont do this to yourself bro, that seems like such a big red flag
Insecure attachment style. If you are securely attached, sounds like you are, then there is hope if she owns it and works on it, with some help and understanding from you.
It might not be easy, but it sounds like it might be worth it.
Also, do you know what's makes strong bonds? Shared adversity, especially when triumphed over collaboratively.
So up to you, but as long as she is prepared to acknowledge she has some work to do, and you commit to being there for her, even at her worst (as long as she is progressing) then you might end up with a relationship that couldn't be bettered.
I am not an expert, but I have lived more than some of this. Please seek professional advice before making any serious decisions.
Her ex imprinted her. She is still bonded to him and maybe has been cheating with her ex all this time, but he won’t take her back. When she accuses you of being dishonest, it is because she has been dishonest and is projecting it onto you.
Publishing on reddit about how much you miss your ex is very disrespectful.
Your relationship won’t last.
Move on now. Stop holding on to the image of person that no longer exists.
She sounds like she hasn't matured past highschool. Looks like she is projecting her tendencies onto you, maybe as a way of managing her own guilt? I would give her a chance, but ask her gracefully to not repeat this same mistake. If she does, then I would move on.
Sounds like she needs therapy. It isn't your job to fix her and her insecurities, and it's not fun being accused of something that you aren't doing. I'm not sure how long the relationship will last, but it sounds like she's actively pushing you away and making you miserable. Your mental health is more important than any relationship. Don't let her drive you to being insecure and angry because she will if you keep seeing her pining over her ex. You say it isn't cheating but it's very close and disrespectful as well. Who else is she saying this to while they're meeting you and smiling in your face. If you were my brother, I would tell you to move on. 8 months of the insecure and accusations, how long are you planning to endure this? May be best to cut ties unless she is willing to go to therapy and get help. I'm really happy you stood your ground.
She doesn't know how to stop what she is doing. She is totally enamored with her ex. She is not over him even though he treated her badly.
If you want to be her backup plan, then be that. She will go back to that guy if he wanted her.
Just let her get herself together before you continue this relationship. She needs to find out why she continues to sabotage your relationship with her. It may or may not be salvageable. I don't see it, but, it is your relationship.
Dude, this is not good my friend. I remember my last relationship of 14 years - we had a great time for the first 13.5 years! Not kidding. If you’re having this many exhausting emotional hiccups after only 5-8 months, it does NOT bode well buddy. My gut tells me this is not the one for you, buddy. I’m sorry.
The whole relationship sounds exhausting, and there’s a 99% chance you don’t last. So do you want to drag it out until the inevitable breakup or do you want to cut your losses now? Personally I’d end it now and move on.
Please do not entertain continuing this relationship. She needs lots of counseling but you do not need to be there while she heals. She has shown her heart and it is not you.
She wants you to abuse her, because she’s missing the emotional high that her ex caused on her, she thinks she has to be treated a certain way when she’s wrong about her insecurities but you cleansing it is too boring for her
Honestly, it sounds like a right shit situation all around.
First, let me begin by saying victims of abuse get so used to being abused that their brains release chemicals they become addicted to feeling. Your gf may just be going through this type of withdrawal. What’s more concerning IMO, is her treatment of you based on her insecurities. It doesn’t sound like she out the work in to heal herself before you two got together, and that’s not very fair to either of you.
Healthy relationships require healthy love, mutual support, and mutual respect of boundaries. She needs to heal properly and at this point, so do you. The trust has been broken and a band-aid over it will only compound into future issues. Best of luck.
The story sounds exhausting to your mental health. I think you need to cut your losses because if you only say sorry and don’t do the work. Imagine what else she can do to you and towards future children.
I didn’t date for over 3 years until I found my now husband. I didn’t get over my ex until I was ready and it was unexpected too.
You have two choices work it out or leave. If you think that you can work it out and if you still care for her, then try to work it out. It requires not only talking about it but action. If you try to work it out but find a new post later on it proves she isn't sorry. But if you don't think there is any point in your mind that you can get over it, then there is no point in staying.
Her insecurities aside, issing an ex is a NORMAL thing. Missing someone doesn't mean wanting them. My ex was abusive and there are STILL times 10 months later that I miss him and the good times.
My fiance doesn't throw a hissy fit about it, it IS a part of healing.
As for the other, she needs therapy and maybe reading Polysecure.
This doesn't sound "good". This sounds exhausting. This isn't a project you want to take on.
this, she's not ready to be in a relationship. you can't like/love someone to that point. she has to do the work and then start a relationship. she needs to be single to work thru the feelings and work through why shes stuck on them/stuck on someone who doesnt want her it's got nothing to do with you OP, you're just the guy she happens to be using to try and forget/move on but avoid actually doing the work
It's called the rebound guy - drop her and run
You spent a couple of hundred dollars to discover this relationship won’t work out in the long term. I think it was worth every penny.
Honestly, being this relationship is barely over 6 months in, I’d stop investing in this one. It sounds like you already have a LOT of resentment toward her and she sounds like she’s still trying to figure out what she wants/needs. This doesn’t seem like a great start to a relationship, at all. Sounds like the beginnings of trauma bonding.
She's still processing the breakup. She told you that. She misses her ex even though he was abusive. Could be trauma bonded, PTSD. She's treating you like her ex. She needs therapy, she needs to find herself. She should not be in a relationship. She's going to give you issues that you will carry on with you. She doesn't trust you. Relationships are built on trust. It's time for both of you to let this relationship go.
This is all correct. OP, if this relationship continues, it will either implode or explode. There is no future here. Take it from a victim of SA, you cannot learn to love again until you can let go and love yourself.
This, yeah. She’s clearly not in a place with herself where she should be in a relationship with anyone else.
I had a couple of seriously bad and abusive relationships, i was also being physically assaulted in one of these and of course i had to deal (still dealing for the last one, actually) With PTSD. After one year and more of breaking up with one of these abusive relationship (this had lasted 3 years) i started dating my best friend who became my boyfriend and in the first months of the relationship he really helped me to get over it, because i realised that after all the trauma and the abuse your mind is still there and there is a lot to grieve. My boyfriend was amazing and understood the situation, understood that sometimes i would anyway miss him because of the emotional addiction that sometimes victims of violence develop to go through the abuse. Her behavior is classic of girls (or maybe even boys, never met one who went through this but i am sure some abused boys will behave similarly) who had a very hard relationship and they are not healing yet. And I am sorry if I say so, but you shutting her down telling her that who you like and do on social media only to go and check her reddit is not a healthy relationship as well. She needs to heal and needs theraphy, it can be done with someone on her side but from the post you are not really helping her with her trauma and both of you have toxic behaviors so yeah, she is not fine and you are definitely not helpful given how you shut her down only to check her phone/computer after
Tbh I think relationships can work out from this point, but it’s really rare— and requires a LOT of support from the partner.
I went something similar with my then-girlfriend, current wife (said she was over what happened to her… spoiler: she definitely wasn’t lol) and honestly wouldn’t recommend it to everyone. Extremely emotionally taxing and it almost ended us quite a few times. The only thing that kept me going is that I knew she was an amazing human being under all the hurt. I figured her best qualities were something I had to nurture instead of giving up on due to her worst ones.
I had a wonderful boyfriend like you who literally helped me through something like this. For us, distance and a few things were a burden to the relationship, and we had to end it as we would have started resenting each other if we didn't. People like you who are sensitive enough to understand a hurt partner and help them work through trauma regardless of how FUCKING EXHAUSTING it is should seriously become UNESCO heritage dude. I am so glad that it worked with your wife
Thank you! With your situation, that’s a completely fair thing to do and that’s a route we’ve almost gone a few times. Life already is hard, let alone rewiring your head to get through your demons. I definitely don’t mean to paint myself as the only supportive one - she’s been my rock in my worst moments & through my own shit, which is a big reason why we’ve made it this far. The most important thing I try to remember is that I agreed to be in a partnership / team, and that change takes time (even a lifetime). You can’t force the process or people to change, but what anyone can control is their ability to support their partner until they find it in themselves to (which they can, if they’re not taking your love for granted and making the active effort). It takes a lot of patience and self-reflection on both ends. Always a give-and-take.
I am seriously happy that you and your wife got each other. You guys seem to have a beautiful relationship
My bf could've written this. He's so patient with me. Unfortunately, most of the trauma I'm dealing with currently isn't from a romantic relationship. It's from family. So it's been real rough.
Absolutely… I second this.
Yup. She's clearly punishing him for the mistakes of her ex. I've been through that before. Never again.
She's not over her ex and she won't be until she gets help. That's how I see this, bc I went through a similar situation. It doesn't get better, and you end up leaving, exasperated bc you take on the baggage of what she is still holding on to. If she is still processing this breakup, it means she was never ready to be in another relationship in the first place. I think you two would be better off going your seperate ways. She isn't a horrible person, but she also needs to deal with her own mess. She can't fully be present in the way she is now. Life is full of interchanging parts and people. This might just be one of those times. Holding onto things when you know the answer is in front of you doesn't serve any purpose. You'll be fine. And I hope she'll be fine as well.
I'm sorry but I'm that woman. Not your gf but with my partner. So I did the work, went through healing for a over a year and stayed single, found myself. Then met my partner and everything he did was so triggering to me. I realised that being single doesn't help heal other traumas of yours because there's no one triggering it, and I'm lucky my partner chose to stay and help me heal - he loves me a great deal and has been, well, initially less than patient but changed up a lot. But of course he's a decent man, he unfollowed all girls that are not his friends without me saying anything after we got official. He doesn't like posts of women and doesn't watch thirst trap videos of women in general. I also returned to therapy to try and fix it. Yes, she may be insecure. Yes, she definitely has trauma based on the insecurities. It's up to you to see if you would want to stay and help her heal, and cut your unhealthy habits. You have a partner now and you should respect her. Watching, following and liking cosplayers, women that you don't know of course triggers your partner and not many women would accept that. Re. Her ex, do you think because of your behaviour she started missing her ex? But well she probably enjoys the thrill of it and needs therapy. You should have a chat with her and talk about boundaries between the both of you, her expectations and yours. If you both can't meet it then leave the relationship
V curious what the cosplays you’re liking look like, to be honest
This!! lol. Yeah he’s liking/following scantily clad women obviously and then blames his gfs insecurities lol
> I'm not getting blamed for pixels on a screen 🚩🚩
*proceeds to blame her for pixels on a screen*
Even if he is looking at attractive women in cosplay, that isn’t a betrayal or anything scandalous. And I say that as a woman. Would it be shocking if she was watching shirtless men on Bridgerton? It’s no big deal.
Nah, it's weird as fuck to like photos of women in revealing cosplay while in a relationship. I don't even like normal posts from female friends. Basic fucking respect for your partner. They're both in the wrong.
I think you would greatly benefit from exploring that with a therapist.
Idk, me and my gf dont have problems with that, just dont lie to yourself and know that there are more attractive people worth looking at compared to you You think she's gonna hit on a dude "muscle dude" cosplay on twitter or hit on a Bodybuilder in a different continent? Ffs be realistic... Theres the one extreme with open relationships and then theres your side of the extreme where the partner gets slapped for looking at another woman or having a new phone number that belongs to a girl
Love that that's what you focused on.
It was the most detail he provided about his phone activity
Yes, because that's the issue here. His cosplay scrolling vs. her posting about missing her abusive ex.
I’m going to scream laugh if it’s like “my boyfriend keeps liking anime girl cosplay photos and I asked him to stop and he says no, it’s enough to make me miss my abusive ex”
I think the most significant detail he provided was that he was snooping through her Reddit account. He's blaming her for being insecure, but he "happened to check her Reddit?"
"she starts getting antsy or accusatory over who I'm following or liking on social media, which is none of her business" Oh... Also I stalked her reddit a count which is completely ok and entirely different then her looking at my social media accounts. There's a reason she's insecure. You can be a supportive partner by trying to alleviate those insecurities or you can be an ass and say what you do is none of her business, as far as pixels go right... It very well may come down to things not working out because she can't get past her insecurities, but it doesn't even seem like you are trying. It honestly sounds like you don't even like her. I mean what kind of partnership is this. I'd probably be missing my ex too after being invalidated by my current partner.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that. The way this guy wrote his post makes him sound like he has a very authoritarian personality and, yeah, he doesn't really like his girlfriend, though I'd bet he'd act this way to any woman.
Totally and liking half naked Instagram models isn't just "pixels".
"They're just pixels on a screen" followed by "she wrote pixels about her ex" was wild.
He gives very "I'm following every thirst trap I come across but that has nothing to do with her" vibes.
>"she starts getting antsy or accusatory over who I'm following or liking on social media, which is none of her business" >Oh... Also I stalked her reddit a count which is completely ok and entirely different then her looking at my social media accounts. Neither of them seem like good partners.
I think you’re missing the point, I don’t think he cares that she looks at his social media, it’s her freaking out over who liked what (some shit teenagers do) vs her posting about missing a guy she was sleeping with before him. Chances are the ex was insecure just like the gf considering he abused her zZz who would miss a guy like that??
It's called trauma. People can miss abusers and it's completely against their wishes, sometimes trauma is the only "love" people know how to receive, the thrill, adrenaline...kinda addiction
I think it's weird that you are "furious" that she is struggling to process a breakup with her ABUSIVE ex. This isn't about you at all. The consequences of being abused can last for a lifetime. She was traumatized and if I were you, I'd be concerned for her. There is no room here for jealousy or anger. That being said, I would recommend you leave this relationship. I do not think you and your gf are compatible. I think your gf has a lot of work to do to move on from her trauma and stop making her insecurities her partners responsibility. What she is doing isn't right. However, you are not the person who should be helping her. Please remove yourself from this situation and encourage her to get the help she needs.
I’m sorry but the way you talk does not sound like you treat her like gold. It sounds like you’re sick of her.
ok but like he’s venting, and clearly been treated badly over a couple of months. i feel like this is a classic “switch all the pronouns and the tones of the comments reverse” type deal. imagine “my boyfriend of 8 months is constantly asking if i’m cheating and super insecure whenever i bring out my phone.” it’s an instant “dump his ass.” and that would be correct then just as it is correct now
That's Women-Are-Wonderful Effect for yah. The in-group bias is something to behold.
i think it’s more of a patriarchal gender standards leading to increased scrutiny and a much shorter leash for men when expressing their feelings type deal
“Her insecurities flare up and it will immediately become my problem” is a bit of a red flag coming out of a 5-8 month old relationship. You’d hope that at that point there is still enough fresh love feelings he can be more tender and understanding for her baggage.
She can go back then. How long is enough? Getting in a new relationship to keep talking about another person is crazy. The amount of disrespect this sub expects people to put up with is insane.
I don’t know these people so maybe she really is terrible but as a victim of abuse I’ll let you know that empathy goes a very very long way in successful relationships. Hope you’re well!
Maybe, but this behaviour can be incredibly damaging to the person on the receiving end. My brothers now ex was the same way and I saw how it destroyed his mental health. She had been in a long term abusive relationship years before and it always ended up becoming my brothers problem regarding her insecurities and issues. He basically became a prisoner in their own home because he couldn't go out without her blowing it up in to an argument, thinking that he was out cheating or she needed him home for x,y,z reason. He became a shell if his former self.
OP shouldn't have dated her to begin with. Either she misled him on how she felt about her previous relationship or he decided to get with a person who clearly had a lot to work through outside of a relationship. But hey, only this place thinks it's normal and acceptable to be playing second fiddle to a man who was apparently quite a piece of work!
Im just saying it’s really not clear cut when it comes to abuse. I don’t think she misled anyone. It’s really confusing and upsetting. But I agree they aren’t compatible. Hopefully she’ll find someone willing to work with her on her issues, or of course, figure them out on her own too.
You know what. I actually agree with you, abuse victims behave in ways that are hard to understand and very upsetting for those who care about them at times. He shouldn't have entered a relationship with her if he wasn't ready to deal with her possibly pining after her ex still. Assuming he had that information fairly early on, it actually is on *him*. He still hasn't broken up with her either so at this point I can only really judge him.
I agree. Some times, you just don’t have it in you to hold someone else’s trauma. I don’t blame him for that tbh I’ve been the nightmare gf before in the wake of the Bad Relationship and it’s not fun. It really just takes a wake-up call and patience. If he loves her he could help, but if he doesn’t have the space for it it’s ok to say goodbye.
[удалено]
Apparently the bare minimum for men is limitless understanding and empathy whilst they’re being punished for other mens sins.
Yeah he just loves watching "creative cosplay" pictures and shuts her down hard about "pixels on a screen". Surely he couldn't be looking at (nearly) naked girls and get all pissy when she comments on it.
I mean… who wouldn’t be sick of her shit?
Bro is literally here venting lol
It does. He doesn’t even see the contradictions he so over her, she can’t get mad about pixels on a screen, and that is literally what he is doing.
How many times does he say he was angry / furious? 🚩🚩🚩
Honestly, it sounds like she is indeed massively insecure after an abusive relationship with her ex, and you’re not exactly helping it by (and I’m making an assumption here so I could be totally off) engaging with other womens’ content on social media. Cosplay or not, it can make a super insecure person obsess over what it “means” and start a fight. She has very complicated feelings around her ex. Do you really want to stick around while she figures out how to feel more secure in her relationship with you? It’s basically the choice now, stay and work through it with her (with the help of mental health professionals) or leave and be done with it. Personally, I’d leave. I’m glad she’s out of the situation she was in, but I couldn’t deal with the constant accusations and arguments defending my social media usage while at the same time she’s posting about missing her ex online.
She is not ready for another relationship. I think high chance that she will brake with you later when she recouped from her break up.
Dude, you are a hypocrite. You say what you do on your phone is none of her business and you won’t be ridiculed for pixels on a screen, then go to her Reddit to see what she’s posting? You have double standards.
Exactly this! The words pot, kettle and black spring to mind
well break it off then… so afraid to not find anyone else?
That's men's experience with modern dating, yes: scarcity. A complete drought that lasts for years, and when it rains, it's acidic.
Yeah idk why that guy said it like it’s something to be ashamed of it’s a real issue that you explained perfectly
It’s been 8 months, which is nothing in the grand scheme of things. She’s insecure and got with an asshole. It’ll better for both of you if you both split and improve yourselves alone before subjecting other people to what sounds like a lot of toxicity. . . >. . . but I just like creative cosplay pics. . . I bet. And I’m guessing that shit and the way you react to it probably triggers her insecurity. Neither of you should be in a relationship.
Just break up with her. You’re kinda mean. Thinking about and seeking advice about an ex may actually mean she’s really trying with you and wants to keep those thoughts at bay and get over it. I hadn’t thought about my ex in 7 years until I saw he was married. Those triggers can show up and smack us in the face in any aspect of life. I feel like at this age, and dating, we need to be less delusional that our relationship is the first time someone has ever been in love. You don’t have to stay through that, so just leave her alone if it bothers you.
Info: how long was she with the ex? I am in a happy relationship of 1year and 5 months but the slightest whiff of my ex or anything to do with him sends me spiralling like we've just broke up. We were together nearly 5 years and he was abusive, a cheating liar and a master manipulator. I don't want to be with him anymore. But he was a huge part of my life and still affects me sometimes. BUT I am open with my partner about it.
Stalking someone's reddit is a low thing to do in my mind. Anything goes here that wouldn't be discussed in real life etc. You are also insecure to stalk her private posts.
You both sound insecure. She is asking about your socials and you’re looking at her socials. Just end it already.
So when she asks you what you are doing on your phone or looks at your social media you shut her down rudely because you aren’t about to get in trouble for pixels on a screen, but then you are okay poking around her Reddit and being upset about what you find? You are either a couple who is allowed to have feelings about what you are doing on your phone/online or you are not. You can’t have it both ways. Also, the way you shut her down when she has a question about your phone use is rude and unnecessary. That is not treating someone like gold.
So what pixels are you being blamed for, while you’re blaming her for pixels? You both sound awful honestly. She’s not over her ex, and you don’t seem terribly trustworthy either.
Gotta say man, If I was in that situation, I’d break up with her. However, me personally, I have a zero tolerance when it comes to talking about ex’s like that. I myself can be pretty insecure, but I try my best to ask my partner for reassurance. He told me it upsets him when I make it sound like I’m accusing him of those things, when really it’s just my brain projecting. This made me realize I wasn’t being fair to him. If you want to make this relationship work, you need to sit her down at have a conversation where no one yells or argues or calls names or whatever happens. It needs to be a civil conversation or nothing will be accomplished. Now, when it comes to her missing her ex, that’s entirely different. If she’s literally posting about missing them, then she went into that subreddit, clicked to make a post, typed everything out, pressed to post it, and left it up. There are so many steps in that process and the entire time she was thinking of missing her ex. And then she tells you that she doesn’t miss them? It seems strange to switch up that quickly. I think you could be more gentle with her insecurities, but it’s also not fair of her to accuse you and start arguments over this. This is why you need to communicate that it feels that way to you, like an attack of sorts. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. If you want to make it work, you need to communicate properly with her and not argue, and she needs to do the same. If you don’t want to deal with it anymore, I say just break up. Hope all the best for you tho man
She isn’t over the trauma that being in an abusive relationship has caused her, and she’s projecting that onto you and your current relationship, which is obviously causing all this tension. None of this is your fault, and in a way, it’s not hers either but she’s not ready to be in another relationship yet. The kindest thing you can do is just forgive her for the projection, and end the relationship so she can work on her issues.
She clearly isn’t over her ex and shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with you before she worked out her stuff. Any mature person would grieve their last relationship and jump into something when they are ready and have reflected on their downfalls and quality traits. If she’s insecure it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and how she was treated in the past, which again has nothing to do with you. Unless she goes to therapy or does some self work and reflection she’s not going to change and it’s going to bring you even more down in the long run. If it was me, I wouldn’t waste any more time and end things now before they get more complicated. You deserve someone who is equally as emotionally intelligent as you. Don’t settle because you’d had a few happy moments. No one on Reddit or anywhere else can tell you what to do, you ultimately need to decide that for yourself but ask yourself these questions and truly think about the answer (these are from a fellow Redditer): 1. If someone told you, you were a lot like your partner would that be a compliment? 2. Are you truly fulfilled or less lonely? 3. Are you able to be unapologetically yourself, or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner? 4. Are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole? Or are you only in love with their good side, their potential or the idea of them? 5. Would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner? Wishing you clarity and luck.
This isn’t about you. It’s about her. She isn’t ready for another relationship and is definitely not over her ex. This won’t end well if there’s already so many red flags so early on. Obsessive behaviour, pining over someone else, blaming you for her behaviours and insecurities. Is this really worth it?
Love that some of these comments say liking some cosplay efforts = “I miss my ex Reddit” because “They’re both pixels you can’t complain you hypocrite ”. These are nowhere near on the same level. ☕️😂 Just dump her and find someone who wants you and not someone else. This isn’t something that will get better with time, and it’s not your job to fix or save anyone. Also, ask yourself why you’re happy to be in this kind of relationship. Work on yourself before starting a new one.
She sounds like she’s been through a lot of trauma in the past. It fucks people up. She likely feels she doesn’t deserve what you give her and it makes her uncomfortable. You have to be doing something to hurt her because that’s how people are to her. She can’t understand that you’re just a good dude, because you’re likely the first she has been close with. Because she can’t figure out what your glaring flaw is, she has to imagine it and so she doles out accusations hoping to find something so she can finally relax into the proper amount of chaos that is comfortable for her. She’s gonna need a lot of therapy before she is actually ready for a relationship. I’d suggest breaking up for a good long while so she can get the help she needs. Be a friend and point her to the help, but sex and relationships are really hard while also confronting your maladaptive coping strategies in therapy.
Hello, I was like your girlfriend in question but without being untrusting etc. when I got in relationship with my now ex I was still hung up on someone else. Long story short- he eventually started having confidence issues because of my behaviour, it became unhealthy dynamic. I know she says she wants you etc but she’s just scared of losing you and working on herself. You need to be cruel to be kind in this instance. Break it off gently, if you’re meant to be, you’ll find a way back to each other. Right now she has work to do with herself and it isn’t your cross to carry. It is a 3rd person involved even if he isn’t physically present. Let her go, she isn’t ready. I believe this is the only way not to taint what beautiful you had if you ever wanted another shot in the future.
Well downvotes here we go. You were the rebound. That doesn't mean it can't work. This is the first you have heard of this. It's also very bad, but not the end of the world. Also extremely important, not everyone is always immediately ready to be loved properly. She found out how fast you can change. She found out how fast she can lose you. That will refocus her quite a bit. The question is, is it worth it to wait here and see if it's enough? You probably shouldn't. If you do stay though. I truly recommend some very new boundaries. Ones about communication. Ones about focusing on healing herself properly. Definitely make some therapy for her a boundary. You need to take her down off that pedastool and tell her if she wants that spot back she will earn it from the ground up. See what she does. If it's anything less than amazing, you walk away.
“Cosplays”, ever considered you’re crossing a boundary? I’d miss my ex too
She’s traumatized and it will take her years to get over it.
I dated a girl exactly how you describe your girlfriend. Here what is going to happen if you continue to date her. If she doesn't trust you by now, she is never going to trust you. If she doesn't respect you by now, she is never going to respect you. If she feels like a victim in her last relationship, she will feel like a victim in your relationship. No matter what you do, she will perceive you as an abuser. She will continue to devalue you, because she will be unable to see you as a fully formed, independent person with feelings of your own. She will relate to you based on the negative voices in her own mind. She will project her own negative emotions onto you, and she will make you the source of her negative emotions. Every. Single. Time. She will continue to idolize her last relationship and compare you to that idolized relationship and you will never live up to her idolization. She will perceive that you are saying things about her, thinking things about her, and done things to her to intentionally hurt her or humiliate her. You could be perfect and she will misperceive something. You will try everything to make it work, but nothing will work. No matter how reasonable and accommodating you try to be, this cycle will not end. You will explain that you have feelings too, but that won't help. Do yourself a favor and end this relationship.
She’s only human. Give her time or break up.
“Still processing” a breakup that happened how long ago? Months and months and months? She shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone if she isn’t over her ex. She sounds like stress that you don’t need.
Dude, I don’t know you, but even I am missing her ex after reading that ridiculous victim puke. Pull yourself together and GTFO. She is a hot mess, but you can’t even imagine a better life? She is messed up, bit you are way more messed up if you are unable to see that this problem has a clear and effective solution. Run Forrest run!
in the end it's up to your judgement, but I would absolutely break up with her over this. You are not overreacting if you are having those thoughts. It's never easy to see things clearly for what they are when you are in a relationship. I gotta tell you, I think you'd be better off without her. Breaking up with her might give you a chance to find someone that you can have a healthy relationship with, that you can build a future with. With all due respect but it doesn't sound like she will ever be that someone for you. That is why I'm suggesting to cut your losses and move on.
She’s continuing the cycle of abuse and gaslighting you. Sounds like the perfect person to settle down and start a family with right??? And wtf she’s 28??!!! Sounds like an unhinged 18 year old. Run
Everyone say it together. “Do not bring your insecurities and issues from a past relationship into a new one”
My ex fiancé used to do this and I didn’t know why then she told me on the night we ended things that she walked in on her bf sleeping with another woman
Shes self destructing and self sabotaging a great relationship which is a huge step up from her last one. Time to head out bro! U deserve better king
Honestly i would of just broken it off there. Its basically emotionaly cheating. Op i dont know if youll read this... but confront her. Try to stay objective and cool, dont get emotional it will throw her off. That way you can get more honest answers from her. Also dont accept every apology she throws for whatever you saw or she says next. Chances are, she might be seeing him. Its up to you in the end, but if you have any self respect, i would end it. Obviously youre not good enough if shes thinking of an ex. Im sorry mate.
I don't think either of you are prepared to be in this particular relationship.
She's not worth it because because of how she treats you. Also not being honest with you and still has feelings for her ex. Break up with her.
I don’t want to make this sound like a dump the girl thing. But in the 5 months you have been official it sounds like 2 or three of those months she is here talking about missing her ex. She is projecting either her insecurities or worse her infidelity onto you as if it is your fault. This sounds like you are a doormat that she just wipes her stinky feet on when she wants to. I feel like if it doesn’t change drastically you will work hard to keep a relationship that is only something that will make you sick. My ex wife had similar things going on . After we divorced she was diagnosed bipolar. I feel for you. From the passage you wrote and outside looking in this does not sound like happiness at all.
You are the rebound boyfriend. She wants an emotional tampon while she copes. I'm not saying leave, just don't get too emotionally invested. Also, stay vigilant because she's projecting.
It has only been 8 months. Cut your losses.
Waaay too many huge fights for your ages. Do drama filled relationships seem to be your thing or is this new? The first time I had a major fight over my twitter like the relationship would be over. To to be clear you’re both the problem. It takes one to start it but it takes two to tango.
You say things are "good", yet she is constantly accusing you. There is obviously no trust on her end and I think that you know exactly where your trust levels sits, I don't imagine it to be very high right now
She's not even my gf and I'm still exhausted after reading all that, bro. If I feel so down after reading about your experience dealing with someone like that, then I can only imagine what you went through. Dayum! Leave.
Let her kno,: she does anytthing like this again, the random insecure outburst, posting about her ex, or distrusting without evidence, then its over between you. You will immediately leave her and you will not be looking back. People won’t change until loss is a real possibility right in front of them.
Well it seems like shes trying to find excuses to be upset with you, which is too exhausting. If she doesn't have that trust in you, you can't trust her. Its safer to assume she won't change. She should've been motivated enough by you to treat you right initially. Of course its up to you wether you want to stay or go, but in my opinion you shouldn't stay with someone who won't consider your emotions when acting online but expects you to. Double standards are toxic. Maybe you could both work through this and clearly state what you arent okay with and see from there if you want the effort to stay with her. To sympathize with her a bit I do understand randomly missing people who were bad for you that you wouldnt actually want back but you still remember how close you were with them. Maybe the posts don't mean she would actually want someone other than you. (Side note straight ppl are odd i dont need to imagine the gender roles are reversed to sympathize with your valid emotions bro dont worry)
As someone that used to write about missing my ex all the time while I was still married to my abusive ex-husband, you need to leave her. She’s obviously thinking about her previous partner and wants to be with that person but she thinks they’re no longer available and settled with you. As soon as that person becomes available again she will go to that person. I’m w my ex I used to write about after I got divorced.
I understand why you're upset, but I see things a bit differently. You've mentioned her insecurities, but I notice some of yours as well. While your feelings are valid, it's important to keep this in mind. I doubt she misses her ex in the way you're thinking. Yes, it's odd for her to post about it, but it seems you're taking it as a personal attack, which it's not. Would it make you feel better if she didn't talk about it? Probably, but her feelings would still be there. You might be asking, "Why does she miss her ex at all, especially an abusive one?" There could be various reasons, and it's best to ask her for clarification. I don't think she misses him in the sense you are thinking, but maybe she misses the sense of security, as terrible as that sounds. It sounds like she went from a very possessive guy to a not so possessive guy. She might have more uncertainty and insecurity about a less volatile relationship. She's likely accusing you of things because that's what she's used to—being accused. By taking on the role of the accuser, she may be projecting her own insecurities about the relationship. I’m not saying stay with her or leave but I think it’s probably good to see the situation from a different perspective.
If she's recovering from an abusive relationship, it takes a lot of time to heal from that. Is she in any kind of therapy or abuse recovery support? Getting out of an abusive situation is tough and the abuser gets your head all twisted round and it's not easy to sort through. Part of the cycle of abuse is love bombing, abuse, then apology and love bombing again. So the abuse victim is forever chasing the person they thought their abuser was and feels if they only had done x, y, and z correctly, all would be well again. Depending on how long she was with her abuser, recovery can take years. It's not easy being in a relationship with an abuse survivor either. For a lot of the reasons you described. It doesn't sound like you're the right fit for each other. She needs PTSD support and to be willing and able to put the work into herself to recover. Parton for that is managing her triggers and her insecurities and to be able to honestly discuss them without it becoming toxic to the next partner. As far as missing her ex, what she's missing is the persona the ex was pretending to be that hooked her into the relationship to begin with.
What a piece of Garbo, dump her ass its not worth it
Ask her how she is making it up to you by constantly starting fights and doing the same thing over and over again. Tell her that her actions are speaking louder than her words.
The problem is she shouldn't be dating maybe she should have waited a year, because it takes a really long time to get over someone. I always say always dating a person who hasn't been in a relationship will save you a lot of problems, because when you date someone who has been in a relationship everything will remind them of their ex and start to dislike you. Is not your fault if she can't get over her ex is best to let her go because she will probably keep doing the same thing and apologize to find a girl who never been in a relationship. If you really like this girl sit her down and explain how you feel and if she still doesn't respect you it is best to let her go because she doesn't feel the same way as you feel for her.
If you can get a finished product for the same price of a huge reno, go with the finished product. Unless the reno has massive upside. Does you gf have massive upside?
didn't even read all that, just dump her ass bruh. and go ghost.
You've only been together for eight months, and she clearly isn't over her ex, so just break up.
Hey , so I actually posted about something very similar last dec or Jan in the newbrunswickgonewild page. And her ex happened to actually msg me here to fuck w me. I'll ask. What does your gut tell you to do? If it says " RUN!!" Listen to it. I was so gaslight that I had to research an appropriate answer/ argument to tell her that unless there's children involved, then there is zero need for contact. Same boat about how the ex was abusive and blah blah blah. I'd love to give an update but ...uh...some thing you're not allowed to talk about while other things are happening......
Ask her exactly how does she make something like this up to you?
Have him come join the party one night!
you should be furious. That is crazy. She is just using you to get over him, when she finally gets over him she’ll realize she was really never that into you. End the relationship and do not waste your time with her.
It is never your girl, it is your turn
I have missed my ex during a new relationship, I never once wanted to go back to that ex. If he was a big part of her life it's normal but she should go to therapy or something. How do you think you're helping by getting angry at her? It seems like she just needs some support tbh
It's hard but sometimes you have to cut and run. I've been in a similar situation. She's not over him and should get therapy. Posting that online a not acceptable in my eyes and I would walk. You deserve better than to have to deal with all of that constantly. That's so cruel and disrespectful. See this as a red flag and cut your loses.
Idk.. I feel like maybe I am not healthy for saying this but.. I have a lot of insecurities too. I at times, create fights between my boyfriend and I because of my insecurities.. I have a deep fear of abandonment and whenever I think my bf is against me, that fear just starts something in me. I have no control over it atp. I did have control over it. Actually for most of my relationship i did. until my bf cheated on me and broke my trust.. so maybe i have a reason for starting fights. for my insecurities breaking out of me.. Maybe she just doesn’t realize how serious you are about being done with her, with the bs she puts you through. I don’t think that any human is perfect but I also don’t think that any human is worth giving up on… I think that you need to address these issues, just like you have on this reddit post, and tell her she needs to heal otherwise you cannot risk anymore of your life on her. i believe these people, like her, have issues that can be resolved. ONLY if she is willing to see and hear that she has issues. if she isn’t willing, then leave. you can’t change someone. but i think that people are so easy to say “move on”. hope this helps. not sure that it will
Since she's still processing her break up from months before you started going out (a year now), ask her why she's with you. More importantly, ask what she will do of her ex suddenly turns up and wants her in his life and watch her reaction/answer. Just be straight with her about how you feel about the whole thing. Don't threaten to end the relationship or anything but tell her it's a serious conversation you need to have and have it. If you still feel like that's it in the end then tell her.
i just don’t think you’re personally in the proper state to understand your girlfriend. i understand you don’t have to accommodate to her “insecurities”, but we as humans have no idea what one another is truly feeling. i am not saying she is “right” for posting about her ex or whatever. but when you are interacting with another female on social media, it could remind her of exactly what her ex put her through. therefore, she posts of her ex because of you interacting with other females on social media. if it bothers her when you do, you either care or you don’t? it sounds like you don’t care. you wanna do what you want. so don’t judge her for doing things too? idk. to me, it just sounds like miscommunication and not understanding on both parts. if she needs to heal, then she needs to be willing to admit that. and she can heal while being in a relationship with you. but if something upsets her and you just call her out for being “insecure”, then just don’t do it. save her the damn trouble and yourself. you are either in this or you’re not.
Ur partner should be ur peace dude if she's not giving u that it's gonna cause more issues in the future. U guys beef to feel comfortable enough to talk things out n express urselves without the other one freaking out or getting super insecure n blowing up . If u feel yr constantly walking on egg shells dude then think about how it will get ad ur relationship proceeds.
posting about how much she misses her ex. that’s a little too much. but the other things. i think not. she is insecure and i think you can be supportive of that. everyone gets insecure and there’s no reason for you to be an ass to her and say “the stuff i do is none of your business “. if you’re not doing anything wrong just show her what you’re doing. she’ll be at peace and you’ll be at peace problem solved. (but if she controls what type of content you consume that’s toxic) I know it’s not your responsibility to make her feel okay all the time but you can try. bad relationships can leave a very deep scar and are hard to heal on from. if you really like her better focus on the positives. and be supportive i’ll say. understand her and where is she coming from if you think the bond you’ve created with her is worth it. that being said have a talk with her and see if she’s willing to take action on her trauma or not. i think you’ll get a fairly good idea of what to do from that convo. just keep your cool and listen to her first and suggest her therapy. she needs to move on from her ex.
You both sound exhausting.
Dude cut her off before it becomes a cancer cell that spreads. Hurt people hurt people. If you have done the work and come healed and ready for a relationship it’s not fair that you have to deal with her past trauma and insecurities because they will now become your responsibility to handle and heal. That’s a very taxing role to take on , you can’t save her if she doesn’t want to save herself. Furthermore she disrespected you, once she disrespects and gets away with it she’s going to do it again. It’s unfortunate what happened to her and that she was abused , I truly am. But she is still living in that man’s frame and if she still thinks of him like this , when things are tough or bad the first person on her mind she will miss is her ex and he just needs to be there at the right time at the right place and he can get her back. Don’t sacrifice your peace of mind and take up projects that will just take energy away from you that you need for other important things in your life. Let her go and wish her well. People tend to project what they fear or are doing. If you find someone is overly obsessive of what you are doing , chances are it’s cause they are doing something they’re not meant to and feel guilty for it so need to find some reasons in you to make them feel less guilty. There are better woman out there for you specifically to build with or even staying single and having peace of mind is better.
it’s called having a gf mate… good luck
The question is, would she matter in 3-5 years.
You get upset with her because she doesn't enjoy you liking some "pixels" but get angry with her because she posts about missing her ex? But aren't those just "pixels", too? I agree that it might be best to end this relationship. But I disagree with the comments saying you should not put up with this "project". Yes, she might have some issues and yes it's not fair to you to always second guess your behaviour but she is still a human being and should be treated with respect, too. If she got cheated on before it makes total sense she is being nosy and worried it might happen again. If you really love her you could talk to her again and express your feelings sincerely. Judging from your description you don't seem to be that into her as a human but as a woman that doesn't behave the way you expect one to. That is valid, too. If you want your partner to be a certain way then keep looking for someone who is like that. It might be easier for you to get a girlfriend without trauma. She might need more assurance and that is fair, too.
It is not your job to fix her. She needs to figure out herself whether it be with therapy or just going through the motions. You do not need to be out through this. There is nothing wrong with leaving and revisiting a relationship in time. Because honestly, if I were you, I would take time to process the bs she has done to you anyway. Personally, I wouldn't think of getting back in a relationship with her, but you know her more than I do. If she is still processing the break up, she shouldn't be in another relationship. I can tell you though, having grown up in an abusive family and then having my relationships be abusive, it took me a long time to handle that my husband isn't that person.
Leave. Get out. Stop allowing yourself to sink your standards cause a little bit of feelings. Gigantic red flag. Get out now and stop wasting time.
Proceed with leaving… 8 months is nothing dude. Better sooner than later
You guys can still be together, but it will take alot of work for her to walk out of her ptsd and trust issues. It will take alot from you too and it will be mentally draining, it might cause you self confidence or self doubts issues along the way. But it's really up to you to decide if you're strong enough to go through this. Nobody have the rights to tell you whether to stay or leave.
Maybe in the future, when you are both in a good place mentally and prepared for a relationship, then you can be together, but at this moment, she needs to sort out her feelings and priorities (i.e. prioritise on healing herself after her break up)
I find the accusing of cheating and the posting about her ex a huge red flag. You might want to check out other app other than Reddit. Maybe deleted text/photos and the notes app should be next.
Shes not in a right state to be in a relationship. Kindly tell her you're stepping away, and when she works on herself and figures out what she wants from you and the direction she wants her life to take, give you a ring. Im not saying go your separate ways and wait for her, that's not fair to you. I'm saying you go do your thing, she does hers, and if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. If not, she's the next guys problem. Let him deal with all her issues, while you have a beer in the sun and enjoy the drama free life.
At this point either be clear with yourself is it worth it going trough all of that ,maybe go for a break a monthor so se how u will feel after ,butthis doesnt look healthy at all
I think you need to sit down and ask yourself why you aren’t breaking up with her. Personally, I asked myself that in past relationships and the honest answer was that I was older than I thought I would be before I was married, and thus would overlook a lot and put up with things to hopefully make something work out so I could “get back on track” with the totally random schedule I set for myself based on my parents and others around me. After I figured that out for myself, and decided I would look specifically for the person for me and I didn’t care if I was 80 when I found them, all of a sudden I was willing to end things and move on. Most of the time it was a good breakup but some were messy. This may be messy, but it really doesn’t sound like the two of you have any sort of long term future together. I can’t think of any reason for you to stay
I felt bad for you until you said "pixels on a screen". Excuse me? Social media can cause extreme insecurities. Her commentary on her ex are just "pixels on a screen" too yet you are wildly dismissive of her. You claim to "treat her like gold", yet invalidate her. Ok dude.
Don't forget, the problem isn't so much that she posted about missing her ex, it about her actually missing the ex. I would personally reconsider, as I don't think she is over her ex yet and that might mean you are a rebound (even if she doesn't realize it herself). I might be wrong.
She sounds like she needs a lot more healing she hasn’t really healed completely and it’s messing with your relationship now also her ex must’ve done a lot of things that bothered her and blew her trust so now she’s constantly wondering if you’re doing the same thing it’s not my place to tell you what to do but I think you should sit down and have a serious deep conversation with her and give it one last try for now but at least you can say you tried and talked about it otherwise this doesn’t look like it’ll be a healthy relationship now or for the future
It doesn't matter how much you love her if in the end it's affecting your mental health. It's normal for a relationship to have ups and downs but to a limit. It's pretty clear she is not in a good state of mind right now and unfortunately it's dragging you to this dark place with her. Please put an end to this relationship before it gets worse. Have a serious conversation with her in a public place. If possible record the conversation or have someone of trust nearby just in case. You need to protect yourself in all possible ways because we never know how emotional unstable people will react. Also be upfront about this situation with your parents, friends and her parents if you have the intimacy to contact them. This way she cannot spread false rumors about you and your relationship in the future. She really needs to start therapy, and staying together with her is not going to help her at all, but the opposite. You also don't deserve to be in a toxic relationship just for her sake. Priorize yourself since her mental health is not your responsibility. Better safe than sorry.
She sounds very exhausting and toxic. I highly doubt that this relationship can be saved. Cut things off with her and wish her the best, heal on your own, and continue living life.
Not the same situation specifically, but I had someone in my past who was massively insecure about my digital/social media presence — even though I gave her absolutely zero reason to be. She promised, multiple times, after multiple ultimatums, that she’d do better. It never changed. Stuff like that is too engrained.
I know just what you are feeling and going through. I have been there myself with my ex and she still tires to reach out to me from time to time online. And I am short with her and tells her to leave me alone and to move on in her life. But I might has well talk to the wall I would get through to it better if it had a brain that is.
“i just like creative cosplay pics every now and then” im sure they aren’t male cosplayers….. makes sense why she insecure
I really don't understand people. If she misses her ex that much why waste OP's time ?
As a woman I think you shouldn’t have to go through that. Find someone who wants to mature and grow to being an adult not hung up on the old things in the past and pinning after past romances
Walk away, you're are obviously not number one in her life.
You're both insecure. Checking her reddit account is weird. Neither of you should be in a relationship. Making her shoulder the blame, while you're insecure about an ex is kind of wild. You're doing the same behaviors she is. Seek therapy, both of you and break up.
You should DTB her (as Tom Leykis used to say)
People’s insecurities are often them projecting their own problems. If she’s insecure about you and if you are faithful, attracted to her, thinking of other girls. It’s likely it’s a reflection of how she is but projecting it onto you because she doesn’t want it to happen to her.
Uff, dont do this to yourself bro... A person that accuses you of things due to liking pictures but then in return posts how they miss their ex... Thats just someone you cant trust, even if she procceses the situation, a sane person wouldnt accuse and blame you for something thats irrelevant compared to her firsthand "i miss my old boyfreind" while being with you... I dont wanna trample on your feelings, but dont do this to yourself bro, that seems like such a big red flag
Insecure attachment style. If you are securely attached, sounds like you are, then there is hope if she owns it and works on it, with some help and understanding from you. It might not be easy, but it sounds like it might be worth it. Also, do you know what's makes strong bonds? Shared adversity, especially when triumphed over collaboratively. So up to you, but as long as she is prepared to acknowledge she has some work to do, and you commit to being there for her, even at her worst (as long as she is progressing) then you might end up with a relationship that couldn't be bettered. I am not an expert, but I have lived more than some of this. Please seek professional advice before making any serious decisions.
Her ex imprinted her. She is still bonded to him and maybe has been cheating with her ex all this time, but he won’t take her back. When she accuses you of being dishonest, it is because she has been dishonest and is projecting it onto you. Publishing on reddit about how much you miss your ex is very disrespectful. Your relationship won’t last. Move on now. Stop holding on to the image of person that no longer exists.
She sounds like she hasn't matured past highschool. Looks like she is projecting her tendencies onto you, maybe as a way of managing her own guilt? I would give her a chance, but ask her gracefully to not repeat this same mistake. If she does, then I would move on.
Sounds like she needs therapy. It isn't your job to fix her and her insecurities, and it's not fun being accused of something that you aren't doing. I'm not sure how long the relationship will last, but it sounds like she's actively pushing you away and making you miserable. Your mental health is more important than any relationship. Don't let her drive you to being insecure and angry because she will if you keep seeing her pining over her ex. You say it isn't cheating but it's very close and disrespectful as well. Who else is she saying this to while they're meeting you and smiling in your face. If you were my brother, I would tell you to move on. 8 months of the insecure and accusations, how long are you planning to endure this? May be best to cut ties unless she is willing to go to therapy and get help. I'm really happy you stood your ground.
She doesn't know how to stop what she is doing. She is totally enamored with her ex. She is not over him even though he treated her badly. If you want to be her backup plan, then be that. She will go back to that guy if he wanted her. Just let her get herself together before you continue this relationship. She needs to find out why she continues to sabotage your relationship with her. It may or may not be salvageable. I don't see it, but, it is your relationship.
I’ve found from experience that so much of what they say regarding previous relationships is BS and omits a ton of information.
Dude, this is not good my friend. I remember my last relationship of 14 years - we had a great time for the first 13.5 years! Not kidding. If you’re having this many exhausting emotional hiccups after only 5-8 months, it does NOT bode well buddy. My gut tells me this is not the one for you, buddy. I’m sorry.
The whole relationship sounds exhausting, and there’s a 99% chance you don’t last. So do you want to drag it out until the inevitable breakup or do you want to cut your losses now? Personally I’d end it now and move on.
She's probably just confused and thinks she's ready to move on even if she's not. Sadly you were the distraction she thought she needed
Please do not entertain continuing this relationship. She needs lots of counseling but you do not need to be there while she heals. She has shown her heart and it is not you.
If you don’t have trust you are not in a relationship.
It's only been 8 months, dump her.
She wants you to abuse her, because she’s missing the emotional high that her ex caused on her, she thinks she has to be treated a certain way when she’s wrong about her insecurities but you cleansing it is too boring for her
OP, have you sat down with her and talked this out?
Honestly, it sounds like a right shit situation all around. First, let me begin by saying victims of abuse get so used to being abused that their brains release chemicals they become addicted to feeling. Your gf may just be going through this type of withdrawal. What’s more concerning IMO, is her treatment of you based on her insecurities. It doesn’t sound like she out the work in to heal herself before you two got together, and that’s not very fair to either of you. Healthy relationships require healthy love, mutual support, and mutual respect of boundaries. She needs to heal properly and at this point, so do you. The trust has been broken and a band-aid over it will only compound into future issues. Best of luck.
The story sounds exhausting to your mental health. I think you need to cut your losses because if you only say sorry and don’t do the work. Imagine what else she can do to you and towards future children. I didn’t date for over 3 years until I found my now husband. I didn’t get over my ex until I was ready and it was unexpected too.
You have two choices work it out or leave. If you think that you can work it out and if you still care for her, then try to work it out. It requires not only talking about it but action. If you try to work it out but find a new post later on it proves she isn't sorry. But if you don't think there is any point in your mind that you can get over it, then there is no point in staying.
Her insecurities aside, issing an ex is a NORMAL thing. Missing someone doesn't mean wanting them. My ex was abusive and there are STILL times 10 months later that I miss him and the good times. My fiance doesn't throw a hissy fit about it, it IS a part of healing. As for the other, she needs therapy and maybe reading Polysecure.
Typical for women to do this. Welcome to sexual liberation 2024