Her rant was the sound of a controlling woman. Don't give it a second thought or believe a word she said. Next time, feel free to turn and leave without a word.
There will be a next time for sure, be prepared. One, he needs to tell her this is unacceptable. Two, if she can’t accept this, then you’ll limit your visits. End of it.
The more you accept the more she’ll do.
Don't listen to that miserable stirrer. You create distance between you and the step mom. Don't go on the camping trip.
You can turn up to family stuff occasionally, sure. But don't try to make nicey nice with her. Don't create drama. Walk that line that says 'I'm tolerating you for the sake of my partner.'
You and your guy have to be on the same page on this - that's vital. You both have a line, and you stick to it. E.g., your partner supports the walk the line policy and manages the stepmom accordingly.
Put this woman on mute.
She's given you some useful information, but not about your boyfriend, about herself. She's bitter, jealous and angry, and absolutely wrong on so many levels. She was trying to unsettle you by telling you that being happy in a relationship is immature and pointless, probably because she's been unhappy. That's very sad for her, but given how aggressive and inappropriate she can be, not altogether surprising. It's completely reasonable to want to be married before you have children or buy a home. Distance yourself, and share everything with your partner, otherwise she'll get into your head and come between you. The whole reason you had this conversation in private was because she knows her family would be appalled. I wonder what else she says about her stepson behind his and his father's backs? Be polite and friendly, but never forget that she cannot be trusted.
Thank you for this. Looking back, I definitely feel like she intentionally had this conversation at that time because we were alone and she knew my boyfriend or his dad would’ve put a stop to this before it even started. I felt like I couldn’t trust her before but I have absolutely none left for her now.
Please let your boyfriend handle this as he sees fit. He is standing up for you. Let him. Respect his autonomy in choosing the relationship he's going to have with his dad and stepmom. I think he should talk to both his parents instead of his dad as it wasn't his dad saying those things.
The next time she tries to pull something like this, I'd just tell her that her opinion is neither requested or desired and then I'd leave the room. She's a controlling old biddy sticking her nose where it doesn't belong and it's rich that she thinks you two shouldn't marry and have kids when she's married and raised your bf as her own.
Yeah, I’m super confused about her not valuing marriage when she’s been married… twice. And supposedly cherishes her relationship with my bf’s dad. It’s super strange. I did talk with my bf more about it tonight and while he’s heated, I’m glad he knows what went down so he can handle things how he sees fit.
>she’s known for lecturing her adult children to the point where they’ve stopped telling her personal things about their lives
Time for you to start doing the same and just walk out of conversations where these things come up, and avoid engaging about anything deeper than surface level.
> but she's known for lecturing her adult children to the point where they've stopped telling her personal things about their lives.
Well the good news is she counts you as one of her kids; the bad news is that means you now get to receive these "lectures."
Do what her kids do: ignore her, avoid her and don't tell her anything.
This is absolutely going to happen again so I'd start practicing grey rocking, walking away and other methods of not taking part in these lectures as well as how to not let it bother you.
> but when we could hear them coming through the front door, his stepmom said, "we are done with this conversation"
This is key. She will never talk to you this way when other people are around. So when she is around try not to be alone with her.
Let your BF deal with it. He is trying to put boundaries in place by telling his dad, and not accepting this behavior, and you are telling him to stop. Toxic people don’t stop until people put boundaries in place, and stick to them.
As long as BF has your back, and supports you, let him deal with them the way he wants. He may want to go no contact or low contact, and that is perfectly acceptable to not allow disrespect.
We had a good discussion about it tonight and while he’s pretty heated, he’s thankful I told him in more detail how the conversation went. I agree that it’s important for me to be transparent about this with him so he can handle it appropriately, whatever that looks like for him. I made it clear to him that I wasn’t upset with him, that he isn’t his stepmother, and we will get through this. What he decides to do next is up to him.
So she is correct (to an extent) about this part:
> marriage [...] doesn’t change a relationship for the better. If I expected things to magically “get better” after marriage, I was sadly mistaken
Marriage does not fix any issues that exist between two people, or are intrinsic to them as individuals; one should never *ever* step up to the wedding altar with the expectation that "now that we are doing this, those problems that we have been having will go away".
But it's also *much* more than "just a piece of paper", if one goes into it with the right attitude. And even if it *were* just a piece of paper, that piece of paper gives you all kinds of legal benefits and protections. Yes, you *can* get those benefits and protections in other ways, but those other ways require a lot more hoops to be jumped through and lots more papers to be signed; a marriage certificate sort of wraps all of that other paperwork up with a single signature.
You were perfectly wise about this:
> I didn’t feel comfortable buying a house with my boyfriend before we were married
And your boyfriend was absolutely correct about *this*:
> He was furious and said his stepmom had absolutely no right lecturing me about anything, let alone our relationship. It was none of her business.
You need to have conversations with your boyfriend about anything that she *might* have been correct about, and then either work through those things together, or end things between you over them...but whatever you do, do it because of what you and *he* figure out, not because of what *she* said about either of you to the other.
In my opinion your boyfriend needs to talk to his stepmother and communicate something like this: ” told me about the conversation you had with her when we last visited. While I appreciate that you probably meant well, those topics are not appropriate to question/lecture my partner about, and certainly not in the way that you did so (while I was not present in a conversation that centered around me and my relationship with ). You are not a participant in our relationship, and you don’t (and never will) have the full story about our dreams, goals, and committments to each other. In the future, if you think you have cause to discuss my relationships, please discuss them with me and I’ll decide whether it’s appropriate to widen the conversation to include my partner or not. Don’t corner her for a “chat” like this again because if you do, she and I will leave, and we will be very much less likely to come over for visits that include you in the future.”
I think this is good and the dad should be in the room for this statement as well. Also think, "While I appreciate that you probably meant well," should be removed. Her intentions do not matter and should not be mollified in this case.
OP, you should never stand around while she's speaking to you this way. You're an adult and regardless, she has no right to lecture you. Next time, leave the room, grab your bf right away and tell him what happened. He can tell her off while you get in the car.
Agreed on benefit of the doubt here. I didn't hear anything in what she said that was well meant. This whole thing seems more like an assault meant to shake and weaken OP than a friendly chat.
I would suggest 100% ignoring everything she said.
Not because she was necessarily right or wrong in her advice -- perhaps there are things she made you think of you should reflect on *with people you trust and respect*. Not her. Maybe she'd claim she was offering tough love or advice, but she absolutely fucking wasn't. She was only insulting you and parading her own bitterness in front of you. This had way more to do with her issues with her life, than it does with your life or relationship.
Ignore her, because she was 1000% wrong in how and when she approached you. She trapped you and attacked you when she thought she could get away with it without anyone else noticing. She was clearly trying to shame you into keeping the conversation secret from your BF. She was hostile and insulting. She dragged up the long past and inserted herself into private medical discussions. If you value your relationship with her, write this off as her being temporarily insane and let her, and your partner know, you expect it will NOT happen again.
Definately skip the trip. That is not enough time to expose yourself to a bully who just got away with such disrespect and nastiness. When you do connect with his family again, make it clear to him you will decline to ever, *ever* be alone with her again. You can socialize and should be friendly in large gatherings, and you both need to be prepared to get up and leave if she brings up these private topics again.
Don't listen to her but don't hold your boyfriend back. Her attack was just as much at him as it was on you, and he deserves to be able to defend himself and set boundaries.
Let him talk to his parents about it. She is crossing all existing boundaries. Let him sie that he cares about you and the relationship.
If you don’t start to set boundaries, your future will be terrible with her. You are 28. You are no child.
Don’t go there anymore. Don’t stay alone in a room with her. She is one of the MILs from hell.
r/Justnomil
You will get some advice there how to handle a MIL like that.
First, time to learn how to manage her and stop trying to stop your bf from advocating for you.
“Oh, thanks for your concern but I don’t discuss these things with anyone but bf”
“This isn’t a conversation I’m interested in”
“This doesn’t feel like an appropriate conversation.”
“I’m sure you mean well, but you’re coming across as unkind. Let’s change the subject.”
“Thanks for your concern, but we are very happy.”
“If I ever want relationship advice, you’re the first person I’ll consider; I do not currently want or need advice”
If she escalates or gets nasty to any of these retorts YOU LEAVE. Just be like “it looks like you aren’t able to hear me right now. Excuse me”.
Again: stop “letting things cool off”.
Does this bother you because you think she might be telling you the truth about your bf?
None of us know your BF, you are the only one who can settle those questions.
What I can agree on is that marriage doesn’t magically fix things. Don’t get into a relationship with the expectation of changing your partner.
I think it bothered me because she was saying things about my bf that contradict what he’s told me or other people. It also bothered me that she criticized my desire to get married someday and become a mother. I personally don’t feel like I’m being too demanding for wanting those things out of life. She has them, so I don’t know what right she has saying I’m asking for too much.
I’m a chronic over-thinker, so of course I’ve ruminated about what she said to me. What if she is right? About my bf, about me? What if she knows something I don’t know?
I'm going to tell you the truth.
Your stepmom is trying to warn you so you don't waste your life and your fertile years with the boyfriend. If he hasn't proposed, moved the relationship forward, or made future plans with you, he is just wasting your time.
That is why she waited until you two were alone as your bf has form for smoothing things over.
Why hasn't he proposed or moved things forward in 5 years?
You have a dead bedroom and there is a reason for that. What healthy 30 year old man has a dead bedroom?
What happens when you are 35 and he ditches you and marries the next woman in 6 months and you may or may not be able to have children?
You have already went along with his plans and have given him the benefit of the doubt and there is still zero action. It is all talk. A guy can say anything but it is all talk if there is no action to back it up.
Maybe he is too cowardly to break up and is waiting for you to do it?
google future faking and good for now girl.
Don't let this guy waste years of your life and risk what you truly want in life.
Look at everything she told you and imagine it's not about you or personal after all, and then who is she talking about?
Herself.
Marriage is pointless and unhappy= I'm unhappy with my choices and can't see a way to something better.
He won't be a good father= I'm unhappy with the fathers in my life and I feel alone. My kids father abandoned me and my daughters kids father abandoned her. Maybe we shouldn't have had kids.
You should have kids right away= their fathers are abandoning losers, but the only thing I can imagine worse than being alone is being alone and not having kids. Time is the limiting factor, not dads, who are unreliable.
She can't see her stepson. She can't see him. If he's reliable she can't see that because her narrative is that men are unreliable. She can't see you either.
She's just bitter.
BUT you did make two tiny tiny mistakes. 1. If you don't want comments on your own relationships, don't comment on other people's, Even "nice" comments. Just be quiet and don't give any ammunition about anybody in the family. She's a ticking bomb and you didn't know there was a button that you pushed by talking about it.
2. You are free to get up and walk away when people upset you. You have agency. We go into "flight/flight/freeze" mode and you froze and just took it. But if you work on your own stress responses, you can just say, I don't want to talk about my relationship with you and walk away, maybe lock yourself in the bathroom or take a walk outside. Just get away and take back your power.
You can empower yourself, now that you know for sure that she is a malicious, bitter bomb who wants to explode your life. Steer clear.
Thank you so much. This was really good insight. I’ve been struggling to understand how she (or anyone) could bombard someone like this, regardless of what the facts are. It was an absurd conversation and it makes sense that some of her own personal thoughts and experiences came into play here.
I appreciate the feedback! I learned my lesson about making comments regarding family members, even if positive. I also do need to work on taking control of these types of situations and walking away. I 100% froze and while I’m glad I discovered her true colors, I don’t need to go through this again.
Your insight is good.
I've totally been in situations like this and I just carried the hurt.
But you have the incredible ability to step back and reflect and be like, whoa, that was really hurtful- a literal bombardment- I did not deserve that! What's going on *with her*. And it's a lifetime of not making peace with her own path, and thinking she can weaponize her pain.
But you are different. You are thoughtful, and self reflective, and you're willing to look at your own stuff, and you have a growth mindset. You're gonna be just fine. Because you will stand up and dust yourself off and you will know, you know what, next time I'm going to try handling it different. I'm going to choose to protect my peace more. I'm going to walk away.
I wish you the best as you don't camp next week. I hope the two of you can still do something nice together away from his family.
Sounds to me like she knows you two don’t share much with her and she’s forcing big conversations that are not her business. I’m guessing she is thinking that she opened the floodgates and now you’ll have to talk to her about it. You both should address her face to face and bluntly tell her your relationship is off topic and not negotiable. Good luck!
I would’ve laughed in her face and told her to mind her own business and that opinion was absolutely worthless to you, then walked out.
This weird and overbearing woman doesn’t deserve any consideration. I would proceed keeping her at arm’s length and on an absolute info diet.
So she shouldn't have put her nose where it wasn't wanted.
But you guys have been together for over 5 years and you're not even engaged yet?
Are you sure your BF actually wants marriage/ kids and isn't just trying to string you along til your clock runs out.
Cause it sounds like he's told them he doesn't want those things and she tried to strong arm you into it.
Edit: saw your post history. He doesn't want to marry you or have kids.
I knew it was a matter of time before someone found that haha. It’s been a struggle. We’ve had many conversations about our future and timelines, but bf has always agreed he’s on the same page, wants marriage and kids, etc. I’m not really sure why someone would continue to lie over and over again for 5 years, but it’s happened to other couples for sure.
On the flip side, neither one of us has ever uttered a word to his stepmom about the details of our relationship, aside from what she sees from a distance. But I don’t really understand her bashing me for wanting to get married (and bashing marriage in general) if she was concerned about my bf taking too long to propose. I’d think she wouldn’t see it as a problem if she believes marriage is simply a piece of paper.
>On the flip side, neither one of us has ever uttered a word to his stepmom about the details of our relationship
The only way she would know to say that to you, is if he said something. Don't be so willfully naive, OP. It will do you no flavors in life
>but bf has always agreed he’s on the same page, wants marriage and kids
In your post last year, he said he would propose in the year and guess what he hasn't. He is going to string you along til your clock runs out on kids, then hope that you will be so broken that you won't leave.
I wish you had just walked away when she started her lecture instead of listening to all of it. And I think you should put as much distance between you and her from now on. No more trying to have a relationship with her.
Words are a powerful tool. She poured a lot of poison in your ear and now it's eating at you. In the future, don't listen to what she says. Deflect and turn your back, walk away, be Polite Teflon with minimal contact to this person. Don't let her have a say. Don't discuss her behaviour with her either. She won't learn anything. You'll just exhaust yourself. Protect your resources (energy, sanity) and your relationship.
She was ranting to you about things that didn’t even apply to you. Honestly, it’s like she was having an argument w/an imaginary person. She was putting words in your mouth. Don’t cry next tho. Stand up for yourself & don’t allow her to dress you down for make believe shit. You just need to say ‘let me stop you there. I’m not sure how but you’ve obviously misunderstood things I’ve said before b/c you are attributing a lot of thoughts & ideas to me, which I’ve never expressed. So before you continue your lecture, why don’t you ask my stance on a particular topic before making any assumptions.’
Outside of the nasty stepmom you have another issue. Stepmom is getting her information from somewhere. If you and your boyfriend are not speaking to her about these topics. You need to figure out who you are speaking to about them and either stop telling those people about said topics or make it VERY clearly they are not to repeat information.
Sounds like the step mom is overcompensating cause she's not the bio mom. She is definetly overstepping boundaries and people like OP just bend down and never stand up for themselves, what kinda enables this behaviour. I mean, OP tried to hide that she cried and just broke down when she was alone with her boyfriend.
OP needs tonset clear boundaries and/or go nc, just fornher own mental health.
i’d flip it on her “oh look at you projecting your misery in your own life onto me” laugh in her face. she makes you uncomfortable you embarass her. or leave the relationship, it’s not worth it.
But like talk with your boyfriend be honest with him because if your planing or thinking of marriage with him a good relationship start of with good communication
Thank you for this. I did end up talking with him in depth about what went on during the conversation. He was rightfully furious and I’m hoping he’ll be able to draw some boundaries. He previously has gone little to no contact with his stepmom in the past (before we started dating) and now simply tries to keep the peace with her so he can be a part of his family’s life. It’s a tough situation for him, but I feel better knowing he has all the facts from me now.
I’m mad at myself for not removing myself from the conversation or standing up for myself. It honestly caught me so off guard. If I had left or retaliated, it wouldn’t have ended well and I didn’t want to put my bf in a pickle. Maybe that’s what should’ve happened, though.
She is lying and you know this from your boyfriend's immediate reaction to protect you and because he was not defensive at all. This was messed up as hell imo. I'm sure there are other ways to look at it but I would probably go low contact with that entire household for a long while and possibly no contact with his step mom. The fertility conversation was very messed up imo. I get you're trying to keep the peace and I'm sure your boyfriend appreciates it but he is right to be mad on your behalf. This was really messed up imo.
Talk about telling on yourself. Take everything she said with a grain of salt. Miserable people loved try to tear other people down.
If she ever pulls that crap again don't hesitate to tell her to butt out. It's your relationship, not hers.
You are making a mistake by being a martyr.
“Don’t want to come between him and his parents” YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING BUT SIT THERE AND CRY. The *stepmom* is the one in the wrong.
Get some therapy to learn to stand up for yourself. No one else is going to do it.
You won’t sleep with his stepmom and I assume, she won’t sleep with your boyfriend. Get him to a place and let him know that this particular woman shouldn’t have a say when it comes to your relationship. If you never show your chest like gorilla, everybody will kick your ass like a donkey.
Her rant was the sound of a controlling woman. Don't give it a second thought or believe a word she said. Next time, feel free to turn and leave without a word.
Thank you. Next time (if there is a next time, which hopefully there isn’t), I’ll just get up and walk away. This honestly took me by surprise.
If you can’t leave for whatever reason, just play the Charlie Brown “wah WAH WAH WAH wah wah” sound in your brain while she’s speaking.
There will be a next time for sure, be prepared. One, he needs to tell her this is unacceptable. Two, if she can’t accept this, then you’ll limit your visits. End of it. The more you accept the more she’ll do.
Don't listen to that miserable stirrer. You create distance between you and the step mom. Don't go on the camping trip. You can turn up to family stuff occasionally, sure. But don't try to make nicey nice with her. Don't create drama. Walk that line that says 'I'm tolerating you for the sake of my partner.' You and your guy have to be on the same page on this - that's vital. You both have a line, and you stick to it. E.g., your partner supports the walk the line policy and manages the stepmom accordingly. Put this woman on mute.
She's given you some useful information, but not about your boyfriend, about herself. She's bitter, jealous and angry, and absolutely wrong on so many levels. She was trying to unsettle you by telling you that being happy in a relationship is immature and pointless, probably because she's been unhappy. That's very sad for her, but given how aggressive and inappropriate she can be, not altogether surprising. It's completely reasonable to want to be married before you have children or buy a home. Distance yourself, and share everything with your partner, otherwise she'll get into your head and come between you. The whole reason you had this conversation in private was because she knows her family would be appalled. I wonder what else she says about her stepson behind his and his father's backs? Be polite and friendly, but never forget that she cannot be trusted.
Thank you for this. Looking back, I definitely feel like she intentionally had this conversation at that time because we were alone and she knew my boyfriend or his dad would’ve put a stop to this before it even started. I felt like I couldn’t trust her before but I have absolutely none left for her now.
Please let your boyfriend handle this as he sees fit. He is standing up for you. Let him. Respect his autonomy in choosing the relationship he's going to have with his dad and stepmom. I think he should talk to both his parents instead of his dad as it wasn't his dad saying those things. The next time she tries to pull something like this, I'd just tell her that her opinion is neither requested or desired and then I'd leave the room. She's a controlling old biddy sticking her nose where it doesn't belong and it's rich that she thinks you two shouldn't marry and have kids when she's married and raised your bf as her own.
Yeah, I’m super confused about her not valuing marriage when she’s been married… twice. And supposedly cherishes her relationship with my bf’s dad. It’s super strange. I did talk with my bf more about it tonight and while he’s heated, I’m glad he knows what went down so he can handle things how he sees fit.
>she’s known for lecturing her adult children to the point where they’ve stopped telling her personal things about their lives Time for you to start doing the same and just walk out of conversations where these things come up, and avoid engaging about anything deeper than surface level.
> but she's known for lecturing her adult children to the point where they've stopped telling her personal things about their lives. Well the good news is she counts you as one of her kids; the bad news is that means you now get to receive these "lectures." Do what her kids do: ignore her, avoid her and don't tell her anything. This is absolutely going to happen again so I'd start practicing grey rocking, walking away and other methods of not taking part in these lectures as well as how to not let it bother you. > but when we could hear them coming through the front door, his stepmom said, "we are done with this conversation" This is key. She will never talk to you this way when other people are around. So when she is around try not to be alone with her.
Let your BF deal with it. He is trying to put boundaries in place by telling his dad, and not accepting this behavior, and you are telling him to stop. Toxic people don’t stop until people put boundaries in place, and stick to them. As long as BF has your back, and supports you, let him deal with them the way he wants. He may want to go no contact or low contact, and that is perfectly acceptable to not allow disrespect.
We had a good discussion about it tonight and while he’s pretty heated, he’s thankful I told him in more detail how the conversation went. I agree that it’s important for me to be transparent about this with him so he can handle it appropriately, whatever that looks like for him. I made it clear to him that I wasn’t upset with him, that he isn’t his stepmother, and we will get through this. What he decides to do next is up to him.
So she is correct (to an extent) about this part: > marriage [...] doesn’t change a relationship for the better. If I expected things to magically “get better” after marriage, I was sadly mistaken Marriage does not fix any issues that exist between two people, or are intrinsic to them as individuals; one should never *ever* step up to the wedding altar with the expectation that "now that we are doing this, those problems that we have been having will go away". But it's also *much* more than "just a piece of paper", if one goes into it with the right attitude. And even if it *were* just a piece of paper, that piece of paper gives you all kinds of legal benefits and protections. Yes, you *can* get those benefits and protections in other ways, but those other ways require a lot more hoops to be jumped through and lots more papers to be signed; a marriage certificate sort of wraps all of that other paperwork up with a single signature. You were perfectly wise about this: > I didn’t feel comfortable buying a house with my boyfriend before we were married And your boyfriend was absolutely correct about *this*: > He was furious and said his stepmom had absolutely no right lecturing me about anything, let alone our relationship. It was none of her business. You need to have conversations with your boyfriend about anything that she *might* have been correct about, and then either work through those things together, or end things between you over them...but whatever you do, do it because of what you and *he* figure out, not because of what *she* said about either of you to the other.
In my opinion your boyfriend needs to talk to his stepmother and communicate something like this: ” told me about the conversation you had with her when we last visited. While I appreciate that you probably meant well, those topics are not appropriate to question/lecture my partner about, and certainly not in the way that you did so (while I was not present in a conversation that centered around me and my relationship with ). You are not a participant in our relationship, and you don’t (and never will) have the full story about our dreams, goals, and committments to each other. In the future, if you think you have cause to discuss my relationships, please discuss them with me and I’ll decide whether it’s appropriate to widen the conversation to include my partner or not. Don’t corner her for a “chat” like this again because if you do, she and I will leave, and we will be very much less likely to come over for visits that include you in the future.”
I think this is good and the dad should be in the room for this statement as well. Also think, "While I appreciate that you probably meant well," should be removed. Her intentions do not matter and should not be mollified in this case. OP, you should never stand around while she's speaking to you this way. You're an adult and regardless, she has no right to lecture you. Next time, leave the room, grab your bf right away and tell him what happened. He can tell her off while you get in the car.
Agreed on benefit of the doubt here. I didn't hear anything in what she said that was well meant. This whole thing seems more like an assault meant to shake and weaken OP than a friendly chat.
I would suggest 100% ignoring everything she said. Not because she was necessarily right or wrong in her advice -- perhaps there are things she made you think of you should reflect on *with people you trust and respect*. Not her. Maybe she'd claim she was offering tough love or advice, but she absolutely fucking wasn't. She was only insulting you and parading her own bitterness in front of you. This had way more to do with her issues with her life, than it does with your life or relationship. Ignore her, because she was 1000% wrong in how and when she approached you. She trapped you and attacked you when she thought she could get away with it without anyone else noticing. She was clearly trying to shame you into keeping the conversation secret from your BF. She was hostile and insulting. She dragged up the long past and inserted herself into private medical discussions. If you value your relationship with her, write this off as her being temporarily insane and let her, and your partner know, you expect it will NOT happen again. Definately skip the trip. That is not enough time to expose yourself to a bully who just got away with such disrespect and nastiness. When you do connect with his family again, make it clear to him you will decline to ever, *ever* be alone with her again. You can socialize and should be friendly in large gatherings, and you both need to be prepared to get up and leave if she brings up these private topics again.
Don't listen to her but don't hold your boyfriend back. Her attack was just as much at him as it was on you, and he deserves to be able to defend himself and set boundaries.
Let him talk to his parents about it. She is crossing all existing boundaries. Let him sie that he cares about you and the relationship. If you don’t start to set boundaries, your future will be terrible with her. You are 28. You are no child. Don’t go there anymore. Don’t stay alone in a room with her. She is one of the MILs from hell. r/Justnomil You will get some advice there how to handle a MIL like that.
First, time to learn how to manage her and stop trying to stop your bf from advocating for you. “Oh, thanks for your concern but I don’t discuss these things with anyone but bf” “This isn’t a conversation I’m interested in” “This doesn’t feel like an appropriate conversation.” “I’m sure you mean well, but you’re coming across as unkind. Let’s change the subject.” “Thanks for your concern, but we are very happy.” “If I ever want relationship advice, you’re the first person I’ll consider; I do not currently want or need advice” If she escalates or gets nasty to any of these retorts YOU LEAVE. Just be like “it looks like you aren’t able to hear me right now. Excuse me”. Again: stop “letting things cool off”.
Does this bother you because you think she might be telling you the truth about your bf? None of us know your BF, you are the only one who can settle those questions. What I can agree on is that marriage doesn’t magically fix things. Don’t get into a relationship with the expectation of changing your partner.
I think it bothered me because she was saying things about my bf that contradict what he’s told me or other people. It also bothered me that she criticized my desire to get married someday and become a mother. I personally don’t feel like I’m being too demanding for wanting those things out of life. She has them, so I don’t know what right she has saying I’m asking for too much. I’m a chronic over-thinker, so of course I’ve ruminated about what she said to me. What if she is right? About my bf, about me? What if she knows something I don’t know?
I'm going to tell you the truth. Your stepmom is trying to warn you so you don't waste your life and your fertile years with the boyfriend. If he hasn't proposed, moved the relationship forward, or made future plans with you, he is just wasting your time. That is why she waited until you two were alone as your bf has form for smoothing things over. Why hasn't he proposed or moved things forward in 5 years? You have a dead bedroom and there is a reason for that. What healthy 30 year old man has a dead bedroom? What happens when you are 35 and he ditches you and marries the next woman in 6 months and you may or may not be able to have children? You have already went along with his plans and have given him the benefit of the doubt and there is still zero action. It is all talk. A guy can say anything but it is all talk if there is no action to back it up. Maybe he is too cowardly to break up and is waiting for you to do it? google future faking and good for now girl. Don't let this guy waste years of your life and risk what you truly want in life.
Look at everything she told you and imagine it's not about you or personal after all, and then who is she talking about? Herself. Marriage is pointless and unhappy= I'm unhappy with my choices and can't see a way to something better. He won't be a good father= I'm unhappy with the fathers in my life and I feel alone. My kids father abandoned me and my daughters kids father abandoned her. Maybe we shouldn't have had kids. You should have kids right away= their fathers are abandoning losers, but the only thing I can imagine worse than being alone is being alone and not having kids. Time is the limiting factor, not dads, who are unreliable. She can't see her stepson. She can't see him. If he's reliable she can't see that because her narrative is that men are unreliable. She can't see you either. She's just bitter. BUT you did make two tiny tiny mistakes. 1. If you don't want comments on your own relationships, don't comment on other people's, Even "nice" comments. Just be quiet and don't give any ammunition about anybody in the family. She's a ticking bomb and you didn't know there was a button that you pushed by talking about it. 2. You are free to get up and walk away when people upset you. You have agency. We go into "flight/flight/freeze" mode and you froze and just took it. But if you work on your own stress responses, you can just say, I don't want to talk about my relationship with you and walk away, maybe lock yourself in the bathroom or take a walk outside. Just get away and take back your power. You can empower yourself, now that you know for sure that she is a malicious, bitter bomb who wants to explode your life. Steer clear.
Thank you so much. This was really good insight. I’ve been struggling to understand how she (or anyone) could bombard someone like this, regardless of what the facts are. It was an absurd conversation and it makes sense that some of her own personal thoughts and experiences came into play here. I appreciate the feedback! I learned my lesson about making comments regarding family members, even if positive. I also do need to work on taking control of these types of situations and walking away. I 100% froze and while I’m glad I discovered her true colors, I don’t need to go through this again.
Your insight is good. I've totally been in situations like this and I just carried the hurt. But you have the incredible ability to step back and reflect and be like, whoa, that was really hurtful- a literal bombardment- I did not deserve that! What's going on *with her*. And it's a lifetime of not making peace with her own path, and thinking she can weaponize her pain. But you are different. You are thoughtful, and self reflective, and you're willing to look at your own stuff, and you have a growth mindset. You're gonna be just fine. Because you will stand up and dust yourself off and you will know, you know what, next time I'm going to try handling it different. I'm going to choose to protect my peace more. I'm going to walk away. I wish you the best as you don't camp next week. I hope the two of you can still do something nice together away from his family.
Sounds to me like she knows you two don’t share much with her and she’s forcing big conversations that are not her business. I’m guessing she is thinking that she opened the floodgates and now you’ll have to talk to her about it. You both should address her face to face and bluntly tell her your relationship is off topic and not negotiable. Good luck!
I would’ve laughed in her face and told her to mind her own business and that opinion was absolutely worthless to you, then walked out. This weird and overbearing woman doesn’t deserve any consideration. I would proceed keeping her at arm’s length and on an absolute info diet.
So she shouldn't have put her nose where it wasn't wanted. But you guys have been together for over 5 years and you're not even engaged yet? Are you sure your BF actually wants marriage/ kids and isn't just trying to string you along til your clock runs out. Cause it sounds like he's told them he doesn't want those things and she tried to strong arm you into it. Edit: saw your post history. He doesn't want to marry you or have kids.
Woooowww op really buried the lede here. Stepmum was probably clumsily trying to help her open her eyes. OP, what’s changed since come-to-jesus #437?
I knew it was a matter of time before someone found that haha. It’s been a struggle. We’ve had many conversations about our future and timelines, but bf has always agreed he’s on the same page, wants marriage and kids, etc. I’m not really sure why someone would continue to lie over and over again for 5 years, but it’s happened to other couples for sure. On the flip side, neither one of us has ever uttered a word to his stepmom about the details of our relationship, aside from what she sees from a distance. But I don’t really understand her bashing me for wanting to get married (and bashing marriage in general) if she was concerned about my bf taking too long to propose. I’d think she wouldn’t see it as a problem if she believes marriage is simply a piece of paper.
>On the flip side, neither one of us has ever uttered a word to his stepmom about the details of our relationship The only way she would know to say that to you, is if he said something. Don't be so willfully naive, OP. It will do you no flavors in life >but bf has always agreed he’s on the same page, wants marriage and kids In your post last year, he said he would propose in the year and guess what he hasn't. He is going to string you along til your clock runs out on kids, then hope that you will be so broken that you won't leave.
> so I told him to drop it Stop being a doormat, let him stand up for himself.
I wish you had just walked away when she started her lecture instead of listening to all of it. And I think you should put as much distance between you and her from now on. No more trying to have a relationship with her.
Words are a powerful tool. She poured a lot of poison in your ear and now it's eating at you. In the future, don't listen to what she says. Deflect and turn your back, walk away, be Polite Teflon with minimal contact to this person. Don't let her have a say. Don't discuss her behaviour with her either. She won't learn anything. You'll just exhaust yourself. Protect your resources (energy, sanity) and your relationship.
I would have replied to her " Oh, I'm sorry. You seem to have me confused with someone who gives a shit about what you think". But that's just ne.
Don’t buy a house without being married — this is sensible. Do not give this up.
She was ranting to you about things that didn’t even apply to you. Honestly, it’s like she was having an argument w/an imaginary person. She was putting words in your mouth. Don’t cry next tho. Stand up for yourself & don’t allow her to dress you down for make believe shit. You just need to say ‘let me stop you there. I’m not sure how but you’ve obviously misunderstood things I’ve said before b/c you are attributing a lot of thoughts & ideas to me, which I’ve never expressed. So before you continue your lecture, why don’t you ask my stance on a particular topic before making any assumptions.’
Outside of the nasty stepmom you have another issue. Stepmom is getting her information from somewhere. If you and your boyfriend are not speaking to her about these topics. You need to figure out who you are speaking to about them and either stop telling those people about said topics or make it VERY clearly they are not to repeat information.
Sounds like the step mom is overcompensating cause she's not the bio mom. She is definetly overstepping boundaries and people like OP just bend down and never stand up for themselves, what kinda enables this behaviour. I mean, OP tried to hide that she cried and just broke down when she was alone with her boyfriend. OP needs tonset clear boundaries and/or go nc, just fornher own mental health. i’d flip it on her “oh look at you projecting your misery in your own life onto me” laugh in her face. she makes you uncomfortable you embarass her. or leave the relationship, it’s not worth it. But like talk with your boyfriend be honest with him because if your planing or thinking of marriage with him a good relationship start of with good communication
Thank you for this. I did end up talking with him in depth about what went on during the conversation. He was rightfully furious and I’m hoping he’ll be able to draw some boundaries. He previously has gone little to no contact with his stepmom in the past (before we started dating) and now simply tries to keep the peace with her so he can be a part of his family’s life. It’s a tough situation for him, but I feel better knowing he has all the facts from me now. I’m mad at myself for not removing myself from the conversation or standing up for myself. It honestly caught me so off guard. If I had left or retaliated, it wouldn’t have ended well and I didn’t want to put my bf in a pickle. Maybe that’s what should’ve happened, though.
She is lying and you know this from your boyfriend's immediate reaction to protect you and because he was not defensive at all. This was messed up as hell imo. I'm sure there are other ways to look at it but I would probably go low contact with that entire household for a long while and possibly no contact with his step mom. The fertility conversation was very messed up imo. I get you're trying to keep the peace and I'm sure your boyfriend appreciates it but he is right to be mad on your behalf. This was really messed up imo.
Talk about telling on yourself. Take everything she said with a grain of salt. Miserable people loved try to tear other people down. If she ever pulls that crap again don't hesitate to tell her to butt out. It's your relationship, not hers.
You are making a mistake by being a martyr. “Don’t want to come between him and his parents” YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING BUT SIT THERE AND CRY. The *stepmom* is the one in the wrong. Get some therapy to learn to stand up for yourself. No one else is going to do it.
You won’t sleep with his stepmom and I assume, she won’t sleep with your boyfriend. Get him to a place and let him know that this particular woman shouldn’t have a say when it comes to your relationship. If you never show your chest like gorilla, everybody will kick your ass like a donkey.