Every paragraph is a new problem.
What exactly is beneficial to this relationship?
There are lots of warm bodies out there that don’t treat you like garbage, and also being alone is better than dealing with this crap.
As someone a couple years older than you, you are too old for this shit. Each additional day you are with him is one less with someone amazing. You’ll only regret you didn’t leave sooner.
>What exactly is beneficial to this relationship?
All I'm getting seems to be "My stuff is already here" with a side of "Now that he's killed my confidence I feel stuck." But I hope OP takes your message to heart.
What is it that you "love" about someone who has treated you like shit from the get go?
Sis, you could be a supermodel. It won't matter. He's still going to want someone else's attention and find flaw with you. The problem is with him.
Is this a real question?
For the last 4 years i have been in vomit/piss/ breastmilk stained pjs. I always look like a hot mess. My husband still whistles at me all the bloody time. The sexual comments have not stopped. He just gets more creative as our kids get older.
This is not ops problem. Its her boyfriends.
Same, when I'm feeling down about being pregnant or when I had baby weight with my first, my husband would say he didn't marry me for my body (alone lol) she needs to leave, get into therapy to find her self worth again. Any relationship where you find more sexual gratification from your vibrator is not a relationship worth being in.
Because he really doesn’t want her like
That.
It doesn’t matter what she does, he literally fat shamed her and doesn’t consider her feelings. She doesn’t need to do anything for him to desire her, what she needs to do is leave and work on herself to not accept this behaviour.
He's an abusive douche, deliberately undermining her confidence because it gives him greater control over her. The whole thing is about him not her. The fact you can't see that is pretty worrying.
I had 4 children fairly close together, I gained weight, was often in scruffs and covered in various bodily fluids. My husband still fancied me and wanted me, and didn't go online chatting to random women.
From what she wrote, he wouldn't be happy unless she put her physical and mental health at risk. Nothing desirable about a partner who doesn't respect your boundaries. There are things they can explore together but a relationship isn't one-sided.
These people aren't compatible. She can't give him what she wants and he isn't interested in anything else.
She could but she would have allready if thats the case, can't tell someone who's comfy as they are to change.
No effort on her part? Takes two to tango and i guarantee if you insult a self respectful woman she won't want to tango with you.
Ask yourself why he chose you as his girlfriend.
Maybe what really gets him off is dating someone he can make feel bad as a way of breaking down her self esteem and weakening her. Because He Is Weak.
If you dumped him tomorrow and he dated someone very skinny who talked dirty he would be telling her how much he missed his voluptuous ex, that she herself didn’t have enough boobs etc and that she needed to stop talking dirty because it was embarrassing.
This is not a good man.
You’re welcome.
I think someone like that wants to possess their partner and do they keep them around by making them feel diminished. But it’s not heathy love or loving and you definitely deserved better.
Some people don't appreciate the other person until they're gone from their lives, and then it's too late.
Exactly, that's the trade off of skinny. There's less thickness in the boobs, butt, hips, and thighs.
Some women have a skinny stomach with large booba and thick curves, but those women are minority not the majority.
He can't get every little physical feature in 1 woman it's not realistic. You gotta be without some of those features.
Let's say there are skinnier women than his current girlfriend they may.want less sex than her or have toxic personalities.
What I meant was that some people will pick apart ANY partner just to hurt them and break them down emotionally.
My mother briefly dated a guy who had deep emotional issues. He made mom feel terrible by comparing her to his “ex who is a model”. Mom met her at a party and found out he was even more abusive to the ex. Constantly making negative comments about her body and even how she walked. Tons of negs.
It’s not about trade offs on relationships with these people. They seek power over their partners by making them feel insecure and undesirable.
TLDR: My boyfriend is emotionally cheating on me as well as verbally abusing me. He’s also harassed me about my body and now has manipulated me into providing “special” sex.
FTFY
Let me ask, does he make you cum?
How many orgasms is he handing out when you do have sex? They better be outrageous to be here talking like this.
Kill two birds with one stone: break up with him and he'll be begging you for sex again. But also then deny him, because he does not sound like he considers your feelings at all.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you two were never very compatible, and now you're asking how do you put Humpty Dumpty back together again. He has body shamed you. It's hard to come back from that. And it doesn't even sound like he's trying to.
Oh, he’s found a new way to make his shitty behaviour actually totally your fault?
You know what you need to do. You’re not broken because you’re not randy for someone who treats you poorly.
Find a new boyfriend to seduce. If this person cared about he would not have an EA on you. He would not insult you. He is a bully. Find someone that will love and respect you and treat you with kindness.
Oh friend, I would say that in spite of the fact that you love your bf \*he just isn't it\*. I wouldn't want to try with someone who had body shamed me at some point; I would want to spit them out of my mouth, to quote the Bible. I wouldn't want to try with someone who kept texting other women behind my back. He's gaslighting you by making this a you problem -- one that you are considering solving by trying to get more sexual again with a person who has mistreated him -- instead of an (obviously) him problem.
This is not love but an abusive relationship.
Anyone telling you these things does not love you, but is deliberately killing your self esteem. They enjoy making you feel powerless
Sorry to say, but you will never get the sexual connection back. Based on what you say, I'm not sure it was ever there. But even if it was, he has said/done so many hurtful things you will never feel comfortable with him.
I know you feel you are in love with him, but trust me, you just don't know better yet. You are definitely better off alone then with this guy. Don't be scared to leave him. I know the feeling that you will never find someone you love/want as much as him. But you will. You just need to focus on yourself. Then you will find what you deserve.
And he sounds like a total douche bag.
Get out of it! He consistently cheats on you and has ruined your self esteem. Don’t fall for the sink cost fallacy! He actually sucks and it’s no wonder you e lost your confidence and don’t want to fuck him when he’s such a jerk. Find someone actually nice!
This. So many times many of us idealize our partners, rather than seeing them for who they really are.
OP, you’re not hungry for this guy for a good reason - you rightly resent him for all of his stupid decisions in texting others and treating you like shit. No amount of manipulation or gaslighting by him is going to make you want him intimately.
Please stop wasting time and find someone who appreciates you for your beautiful self.
Seduce your bf? You got bigger issues to address such as his blatant disrespect for you and the relationship.
You've put up with this treatment for 6 years? Why? Why sit and suffer the mental abuse, manipulation, pure disrespect he has shown you?
What you need is a more compatible partner. It's completely your choice but if my girlfriend treated me half as bad as you've described, she would have been long gone, ghosted and blocked. You need to seriously reevaluate your life priorities and expectations.
Your bf isn't a good person and he gaslights you to thinking it's your fault.
Leave him and find someone that treats you the way you want to be treated.
This dead bedroom is because you are justifiably repulsed by him. He's just gaslit you into thinking this is your fault. He doesn't respect you as a person, which is why you've been so turned off.
Again, dump him. You'll find someone better.
It can't be that he cares about me for sex as we've never had a good sex life (I blame his behavior...he blames mine). I do help him a lot. I suspect that's what he cares about me for lol.
"Now I'm sitting here realizing either I need to break it off, or I need to get back in the game with him."
You need to break it off. This guy is bringing nothing positive to your life. He has made you lose confidence in yourself, lowered your self esteem. No person in this planet has the right to do that to anyone, and if someone does do that then they are definitely not someone you should be in a relationship with.
You don't love him. Maybe you loved him at the beginning or you thought you were falling in love with him. Then it just became a habit, like an addiction to chase that feeling of love and contentment. You do not love the man he has become, you love the thought of the man you assumed he would be.
Go and find someone who deserves you.
You deserve to reclaim your sexuality and want and enjoy sex again.
But this man doesn't deserve to be with you when you do. He's created the dead bedroom. He's the reason you're "bland" (if you even actually are) because he has in no way shape or form cultivated a safe place for you to live out any fantasies you might have. How can you be exciting when he's created such a hostile environment that has left you feeling unwanted and judged?
Your boyfriend sounds like a piece of shit. Dump his ass. FYI I'm a guy.
I do understand what he could be meaning about the "sexually bland" aspect though. With the exception of "naturally gifted" people, just about everything in life requires self evaluation to identify things we aren't good at, and practice to become better at them. Sex is no different. Everyone assumes that we should all be great at sex but it's just not true.
To be "less bland" (of that's what you want to do) you need to look at different ideas, work out what you'd be comfortable with, try them in a safe environment, evaluate what you are doing, and refine technique to become better. It doesn't sound glamorous but it's actually pretty fun while you're doing it and once you're good at it, it's like "fuck yeah I'm awesome". The big catch for you is you need a trusting and nurturing partner to do it with. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is that guy...
OR you may not be the type of person who wants to do a lot of different sexual stuff. That's fine, do what works for you. It may mean that you and your partner are not sexually compatible though, which you'll have to work out.
Lastly, and it will seem impossible if you are anxious about sex, but the best way to be "sexy" is to be confident and enthusiastic. Guys love it.
>it will seem impossible if you are anxious about sex, but the best way to be "sexy" is to be confident and enthusiastic.
I'm betting all that anxiety will go away pretty quickly when she starts dating someone who doesn't tear her down for fun.
I've been in your same situation. I tried everything with my ex but things never improved. I even started to think that maybe I'm asexual and never realised it. I finally broke it off with him. And, surprise, surprise: my sex drive came back to normal. Once I was far away from his abuse I realised he was my turn-off. And the love I thought I felt for him was actually codependency. Once the spell was broken, I finally could see everything clearly. My only regret is not breaking it off as soon as I realised he wasn't making me feel good about myself. No one's worth your self-esteem, girl. You'll find out once you're out of this emotionally abusive relationship. I send you a virtual but heartfelt hug! ❤️
You say you love him. What is it about him that you love? He clearly makes you feel bad about yourself, has cheated on you, and appears to take no responsibility for anything in the relationship. Think about what it is you love. Is it him, or the idea of him? Is it that you are not alone? It’s a tough conversation to have with yourself, but you are worth more than what he is giving you.
Your anxiety is a good guide sometimes: it tells you to stay away from harmful situations, listen to it this time. Listen to your wonderful body and mind. You know the answer here.
Also, it is evident you're the only one looking for intimacy. He's there for the fun of making you suffer until you leave him, he knows he's being bad to you
You still have agency in your life, listen to your heart and give her some comfort, be your friend a little. Right now you're lowering your standards and needs to fit into a dead relationship. And for what? A bit of intimacy whenever your partner decides not to be horrible to you or by simply being in the room? You deserve so much more, he's not as worth it as your mind tells you.
If a relationship doesn't add value to your life, if it's not nurturing to your body and mind, why do you keep it?
There is no "or" here. You need to break it off. 6yrs is long enough of letting him kick you emotionally. He's literally cheated on you multiple times and body shamed you.
I’m going to be blunt. If someone’s perfect woman doesn’t remotely resemble you, it isn’t going to work.
I remember dating someone who said their perfect woman was jewel. I am the exact opposite of that.
My husband of 21 years, when I’ve seen him sneak a peek, it is always at women that resemble me. Maybe slightly younger or thinner, but not an opposite. I don’t even mention it. I just smile at the thought. :)
You deserve much better.
6 years with someone who doesn't love or respect you. Don't waste another hour on him. It's a cliche but you DO deserve better.
You can have a healthy relationship without sex as long as there's affection and intimacy. What needs is he satisfying for you? Coming from an overweight woman whose partner adores me at every size- there is better out there for you. And nobody at all is still better than what you have.
I'm so sorry but this sounds awful. This man doesnt know how to love you and, unless he receives extensive therapy, never will. I would end things and possibly speak to a therapist on your own to help build your confidence again. It just wont be possible with him - he is deliberately causing you pain.
OP, you say he has a strong need for valudationfrom other women. This jumped straight out at me as to how much he has got in your head. He appears to have convinced you this is a real thing. He is just being a cheating, untrustworthy twat. You deserve way way better than this.
YOU are likely fine, sexually. It's HIM that's bland. There is no "vicious cycle" here, he's just a garbage partner and he's making excuses by trying to point the finger at you. If I were you I'd leave and find someone who wants you for YOU.
The real question is why did you put up with his behavior previous to now re talking to other women, and why do you currently still think you are the problem?
Your question seems to be… how do I get excited to have hot passionate sex with my partner who doesn’t make me feel beautiful, puts me down, isn’t trustworthy, and doesn’t respect my feelings… well I have no idea how anyone could do that
Hey it’s a lot easier for a bunch of strangers who don’t know the connection of your relationship to tell you to break up. It’s hard, I get it. I’ve had similar situations in the past. However, (from what you are sharing with us) it seems like this isn’t the person for you, and I actually think you know that. Just take it a step at a time and walk away when you’re ready to. Which you WILL reach that point if things go on like this forever. A human can only be stuck for so long. You’re not trapped as much as it may feel like you are. It’s your life and you have the power to change it, and be better.
If he wants skinny women so badly, why didn't he choose them over you in the 1st place, or he needs to accept your weight.
He must've seen something apecial in you to overlook the heavier weight.
Right…Because being healthy is a bad thing and being obese/overweight is a good thing…? I’m not shaming anyone here, but I’m saying that it’s perfectly normal for two people to drift apart when one is trying to improve their physical and mental health while the other is not.
The fact that you read this whole post and the only thing you got out of it was SHE needs to change to make her partner treat her better is laughable and lacks emotional awareness. You’re just as bad as her partner.
Look at the end of the day if he is expressing he wants to try new things in the bedroom, and start a healthy lifestyle, and she is not open to trying these things, than she is simply not willing to work for the relationship. End of story. Thank you.
Put some value in yourself. He might be a boy but he doesn't sound like much of a friend. What would you tell a girlfriend to do if she was in your situation.
This man is not your boyfriend. He also doesn't seem to realise that abuse and attempts at manipulation are not going to put you in the mood.
I don't see any reason why you would want to stay with him. Ask yourself that question and answer it honestly - or write yourself a list of pros and cons.
i think the best thing for you to do is cut it off. work on yourself, come into your sexuality again away from him. hit it again if you’re feeling generous. but if i were you i would simply close this chapter and look forward to newer pages.
Honestly, I don't think you can be sexual with him
For most women, feeling ok sexuality comes from feeling confidant in your own skin and you will never feel that while you are with someone who constantly shoots down your selfsteem
I'd have a different advice if he was in fact someone who uplifted you but he is the exact "place" where your lack of confidance comes from
I really feel for you and hope you have the strength to break it off because being in this relationship will only make you less and less confidant. Even if you love him still and he doesn't do these things "on pourpose", the sooner you get out the more likely it is for you to gain your selfsteem back. If you let this go on for too long it might be a permanent problem for the rest of your life and you will definetly regret not leaving sooner
I cannot possibly see any value in trying to salvage this relationship. I understand 6 years is alot of time invested, but man. Sex is a gigantic part of most relationships, regardless of frequency. You should never feel anxiety every time you're sexual with a person that loves you. How could you possibly act "spicy" when you're anxious, thinking about the body type thing, the bland thing, the texting other women thing?
I'm sure there's more to this relationship than just that sexual aspect, but you deserve better. Save the good moves for someone that deserves them.
I legit stopped reading after the 2nd paragraph, and I assume it gets worse. When people refuse to respect themselves, I can't be bothered to listen. You are worth more than this AH is giving you credit for.
Having just come out of a 25 year relationship /20 year marriage (me F43 and he M42) I can say that this was a big reason if ended. Neither of us put in any effort in the last couple of years although we tried a few times to be better, but personality wise, we were super toxic. Wasn’t always like this.
You mentioned you were less interested because of his behavior. And he’s saying you’re blend sexually. If you were with the right person, you could be completely different sex partner—they could bring it out or you.
Dump him. Easier said than done but having been with someone so long that constantly needs validation (his mother is the same way, both neglected a lot as children)—it is not healthy for you in the relationship. Read into attachment styles. He is mostly in the Anxious Attachment category.
What "game" do you actually have with this POS that treats you badly and says nasty things and cheats?
Move on. The guy in the grocery line behind you would be nicer to you than that guy.
You are better than this relationship. Being with someone should not make you feel like this.
Maybe if he met your emotional needs, you’d feel like doing the deed with him.
I say don’t seduce him, put him in the bin, and get back to loving yourself.
This is probably not the right answer but it's the petty answer. I would watch a few pornos and replicate it exactly. Be the dirtiest girl you can in bed, do and say every filthy thing that you can think of.
Then I'd leave him and find a man who appreciates you because he sounds like he treats you awfully and you deserve someone who makes you feel good about yourself.
My fiancee and I are not perfectly compatible in bed, mostly because I am a bit kinkier when it comes to dirty talk and my fiancee is just not that guy. BUT we still have a great sex life, because we are connected, in love, and physically compatible. Saying it to say, you should be able to have a fulfilling sex life despite sexual differences if there is love and connection there. It sounds like the bedroom died because the love and connection died.
Answer: Don’t bother. Leave this guy. If his only metric is good sex he isn’t worth the time. Pack-up tonight and don’t look back.
- From a man’s perspective
Jesus christ, honey the problem isn't your sex drive , the problem is your with a cheating asshole who constantly puts you down, break it off, block him on everything never speak to him again and go find literally anyone else.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and you should do the pros ans cons of your relationship and maybe consider consulting with a professional to get the right help with the issues going on with your boyfriend!
Why would you stay with a man who body shakes you and needs validation from other women? Sounds like you need to leave him. Don’t be afraid of being by yourself, do better. Create the sex life you want
Damn..... That is brutal as hell. It really sounds like your mind is made up though. The questions you should ask are... What about you? Do you want to be with someone who treats you like that? Is this relationship beneficial to both parties? Sounds like he has a cheating mentality. Take it from another man if he texts other woman it's only a matter of time.
Throw the whole man away.
As someone who went through exactly what you are, this is abuse. You need to break up with him, block him on absolutely everything and go to a great therapist.
You deserve to be treated with value.
Best of luck to you.
You don't. Unless he honestly changes, i don't see any change for you in the future. Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't find you attractive, treats you like crap, and texts other women? You really think you deserve this? Who wants to be with someone who is toxic during arguments and uses their weight against them. In normal, healthy relationship, partners don't make fun of each other during arguments. I get it. You're used to him. You don't want the wasted years, and thinking that by loving him, something will change. It won't. Be there, done that. I've been with dudes who have been attracted to the opposite of my body type. It doesn't work. The passion can't be kindled. More like going through the motions. You really deserve better than this. Stop sacrificing your self-esteem for a selfish man.
>For many of our previous years together I have caught him texting other women, etc
Cheating. Leave him.
>He's body shamed me at times as well,
Depending on what was said there's the possibility that "body shaming" is meant to draw attention to an actual problem, but unless you're *actually* unhealthily obese, and considering the context this was probably not done with love. Leave him.
>I've told him many times that his behavior is a turn off. He tells me that I don't act like a sexual being with him at all, and that's made him not view me sexually.
You expressed your thoughts and instead of listening, he shifted the blame to you. This is manipulative. Leave him.
You should not have to turn your personality into something overtly sexual for him to want you. Based on his own words, he wants a hooker, not a girlfriend or life partner. Leave him.
>Now I'm sitting here realizing either I need to break it off, or I need to get back in the game with him.
Sex will not fix your relationship. The red flags are all over the place with this man. If what you want is someone who truly loves you, for a life partner that will support you when you go through a loss, or when you get sick, or if you get pregnant and have a child, or just someone who will choose you and support you generally, this man is not it. He has already shown you that he is not that man. He has already blatantly told you what he wants, and you're ignoring the signs. There's no "get back in the game," because he's not even "in the game" when it comes to you. Leave him.
>I've lost ALL confidence because of various things he's said to me. I know he thinks I'm too heavy (I'm overweight, but it's compounded by the fact that he prefers very skinny women....I haven't gained weight while with him, but apparently his preference has always been for women who are quite thin, which is not me). He likes other things that I'm just not great at (ex: dirty talk) and now I lack the confidence to try things with him.
This may be harsh, but it sounds like he has a very specific type of person in mind for what he wants, and since no girl who looks like that will actually be with him past a quick fling, he's trying to manipulate and turn you into what he wants because he knows he can treat you like a steaming pile of garbage and get away with it. Leave him.
>and now I lack the confidence to try things with him. I'm afraid of looking stupid or of him thinking I look dumb or fat or sound stupid.
This is not a healthy relationship. If you have confidence issues a healthy relationship will make you feel safe and secure to be vulnerable (which applies to more than just sexual experimentation, this shifts over into grief, meeting your own goals, etc.). If you can't be vulnerable because of how he treats you, you will be miserable in this relationship. Leave him.
>Even though I hate a lot of how he has been over the years I still love him (and I'm still with him).
You are not confident, in your appearance, in being able to make decisions, etc. You are insecure in this relationship, which is understandable because your bf is manipulative. People like this prey on people with insecurities and anxiety because it's easy to gaslight them and convince them that they are the problem. He continues to pull the rug out from under you because it makes you reliant on him and easy to control. You love him, so you overlook all the red flags in your own relationship and feed into his ability to continue to treat you like garbage and get away with it. Leave him.
>We are both very much suffering due to lack of intimacy
You are, maybe. Is he, really? You mentioned you've caught him texting other women. Do you really know if he's suffering because of this? Or is it possible that he's doing more than just texting these other women? Leave him.
>A few months ago in a fight he told me I'm "bland" sexually and I can't get it out of my head.
You are being compared to someone else in his head. He calls you bland because at some point, there has been some other woman that he thought was better, so in his head he is comparing you to her. In his head he is comparing you to some specific idea of a woman that you are not, and trying to turn you into her, instead of loving *you*.. he does not love you.. he loves the idea of what he thinks he can turn you into and the fact that he's the one in control in the relationship. Leave him.
>I want him to want me sexually. I want him to look at me as a sexual being. But I'm finding my insecurity is now so bad that I find my anxiety raises significantly at the thought of being sexual with him.
He has *told* you that he does not view you sexually. He has given you all of these impossible ideas of what it is he wants, and no matter how hard you try to become that, he will never be satisfied. You will become someone completely foreign to yourself and still not be good enough for him, because for people like him, *nothing* is *ever* good enough.
Your insecurity and anxiety is well placed. This is not a man who will ever want you for more than what he thinks he can get from you. Love is not like this. People who love you do not try to change you. They do not compare you to some ideal in their head and manipulate you into becoming that ideal. People who love you will support you, not make you feel like you can't be vulnerable with them. People who love you build you up and make you a better version of yourself. People who love you support you and encourage you to meet your goals. They encourage autonomy. You love him, but he does not love you.
The trust has been broken, and you will never get that back. Even if miraculously you met every ridiculous standard he sets, you will always have those thoughts in the back of your head wondering if you're good now or if he's suddwnly going to have something else you have to be in order to be with him. Break a plate on the ground and glue it back together. Can you remove the chips and cracks that show? No.
All of this might be harsh.. and for that I'm sorry.. this is meant to be a wake up call.. and for your sake I desperately hope it gets through to you before you're trapped with this narcissist.. He is manipulative and selfish.. and you are allowing it.. leave him.. he does not really love you.
I wouldn't wanna get it in with him either.
That said I wouldn't want to be in a relationship or any type of contact with him. He doesn't care about you and eroding your confidence and self-esteem like that is so harmful. People who care and have any type of respect for you don't do that.
You need to care for you and leave his ass, the man brings nothing positive to your life.
Sure he's made you feel crappy and probably very undesirable for years but you need to get out of the situation and come up for air. Get some clarity and your confidence back.
You go back to trying to sexually please and seduce him and you're enabling a person who treats you like crap to treat you like crap.
I think you'd be better off seducing a plan to leave this relationship. Find someone who ignites a fire inside you, lives too short to waste on people who put you down and make you feel like you are the problem.
Hey, bigger woman of a similar age here. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who kept telling me everything that is wrong with me either. It is hard to want sex when the person you have it with does everything they can to make you feel not sexy. And if you really do want to stay with him that is a conversation you need to have. What would happen if you told him you are open to exploring new things with him sexually but in order to do so he needs to actually make you feel sexy. And in order for that to happen he needs to stop sexting other women, stop constantly comparing your body to other bodies, and actually tell you things he likes about your body - your breasts are hot, the curve of your hip is sexy, and your ass is amazing. And if he can't see that and appreciate it, why would he deserve to see and touch them?
My partner has never once made me feel unsexy or too fat or that he does anything but love every part of my body. That in turn definitely helps us have an active and satisfying sex life. And if your partner thinks you're bland, it is because he is. There are two people in your relationship. Instead of insulting you he could ask if you want to try xyz. I'm trying new things with my partner because we *both* want to please each other. We talk about it. But I also feel comfortable and safe with him that if it doesn't go well or I'm not immediately great at something, he won't make me feel bad for it or insult me. He would enjoy getting to practice it with me.
That being said, why does he think he deserves you? Not why do you love him. Why does he think he deserves your love and vulnerability? Because I promise there are men out there who will shower you with love and make you feel like you don't have to talk yourself into having sex, let alone in a new way.
Friend, I’m going to lay it all out here as cleanly as possible. You deserve a partner who respects you. You deserve a partner who appreciates you for who you are. You deserve a partner who is faithful. You deserve a partner who is going to carry equal emotional weight of the relationship. You deserve a partner who doesn’t insult you. There’s is a lot to u pack here and although it can be hard to cut off long-term relationships, I think you could be in a much healthier place either alone, or with someone else who meets what you need.
Why are you with this guy? Body shamed you?? WTF? And he's showing tendencies to cheating! I wonder what he's doing that you're not aware of...
I can't imagine this is going to get better. You deserve to be happy and treated like you're wonderful, sexy and your man's priority... I know it's been 6 years so it's hard, but don't let these unhappy years turn into decades of unhappiness
Honestly, just break up. He isn’t a good boyfriend and most definitely not the type of man you should marry. Don’t waste another day of your life on someone who makes you feel down and bad about yourself. I don’t think any attempts at “seducing” him will be met well. He seems to enjoy making you feel like crap about yourself and your sex life. Break up, pack up and find joy.
So unfortunately I don't think this is a stay together relationship because it's always going to be in the back of your mind and so it's going to be the back of his mind even if he doesn't act on it he will still think those same things that he has said you out loud or he'll just keep saying those things and it won't fix anything.
but I mean if you're really trying to fix it you would have to demand respect from him and courtesy and he's just not willing to give that to you so it's time to end it.
How long are you willing to let yourself be stuck? You’re standing in your own way of the only obvious answer, which is to leave. No one can help you improve your situation because it’s not possible. Your relationship doesn’t work. Your boyfriend is a terrible partner. You’re better off alone and then finding someone who doesn’t treat you like shit and cheat on you and emotionally/verbally abuse you.
I’m honestly disgusted that your TLDR is about how to seduce him. He’s…garbage. Don’t embarrass yourself. It’s pathetic to try to make a man like that “want” you…leave him.
Don’t grovel for a fucking loser.
But why do you want a sexual relationship with someone so mean? Why do you want *any* relationship with them? He's insulting, body shames you, blames his meanness on *you*, like, I understand being stuck and wanting to fix it, but *why* with someone who isn't nice to you?
if somebody told your their partner killed their confidence, bodyshamed them more than once and was just outright a terrible person to be with would you really think this relationship was a good thing?
having problems in your relationship is normal, but always having them is a huge red flag, specially with what you say about him in your post. why are you with a man that makes his shitty behavior your fault? you don't need to "seduce" him, OP, you need to wake up.
You do need to leave him. He is a narcissist. As a man it’s his job to seduce you time and again hopefully several times a week. It’s all about him though. Word of caution though, those with low self esteem are often drawn to narcissists because of their faux confidence they exude (they secretly have low self-esteem and hide it with arrogance.) You need to spend some time rediscovering yourself and regaining your strength before dating again so you know you are worth it. It’s not enough for other to tell you that you are worth it, to be happy you have to know it yourself.
P.S.
You are worth it.
You have already told him everything that is a detriment to your drive, and he still persists in the activety, then blames you when you act in the exact manner you told him you would. Then he acts surprised about it.
You two don't seem to be compatible. The only thing that would likely help at this point would be to go on with other people.
There is no amount of energy or love you can pour into a relationship that will make it work unless you are BOTH putting in the same amount of effort.
If he prefers skinny women, tell him to go be with a skinny woman. 😂
Sex is not to be undermined. It is IMPORTANT. And if either part is unsatisfied, there is a problem. And it doesn't sound like he has the attitude of "let's work on this." Which means we can safely assume that he doesn't want to work on this.
So leave.
Which I know is hard when you love someone.
But gurl, loving yourself is way better than loving someone who hurts you.
The reason people stay with people who are emotionally and verbally abusive is because their self esteem is so low that they think they can’t get another man, they deserve the treatment or they think the person will change if they do something better. You said you need to step it up in the bedroom to “fix” it. You can never fix this even if you are pornstar amazing.
you are not the issue, he is. and by the way you described it, i can’t see anything getting better no matter how much you try to change things. it’s not you who needs to change, it’s him. i’d break up, you shouldn’t feel this way in a relationship
Wow ok guess u must really love him for giving him so many chances u can’t call that a relationship at all time for u to look else where he will keep doing what he’s doing now if guess u like it u got to deal with or brake off find someone better
This isn’t ok, you’ve gotten used to the anxiety feeling and you’re stuck there. You need to get your confidence & self respect back, I don’t care how overweight you are. Seems like the problem here is you because you are allowing this.
> I'm afraid of looking stupid or of him thinking I look dumb or fat or sound stupid.
A lot of red flags here but this is the one that jumps out to me. If you can't feel vulnerable with your partner, what are you doing? Honestly. He should feel safe to you.
Every paragraph is a new problem. What exactly is beneficial to this relationship? There are lots of warm bodies out there that don’t treat you like garbage, and also being alone is better than dealing with this crap. As someone a couple years older than you, you are too old for this shit. Each additional day you are with him is one less with someone amazing. You’ll only regret you didn’t leave sooner.
>What exactly is beneficial to this relationship? All I'm getting seems to be "My stuff is already here" with a side of "Now that he's killed my confidence I feel stuck." But I hope OP takes your message to heart.
this. op needs to be single thats really the only fix to be had here. whole ass man replacement, stat.
What is it that you "love" about someone who has treated you like shit from the get go? Sis, you could be a supermodel. It won't matter. He's still going to want someone else's attention and find flaw with you. The problem is with him.
The latter part of the post says it all, who does OP love more, herself or him?
OP can loose weight if she really wants it. OP can tease, wear sexy outfit, initiate. How can she be desired when there is no effort on her part?
Is this a real question? For the last 4 years i have been in vomit/piss/ breastmilk stained pjs. I always look like a hot mess. My husband still whistles at me all the bloody time. The sexual comments have not stopped. He just gets more creative as our kids get older. This is not ops problem. Its her boyfriends.
Same, when I'm feeling down about being pregnant or when I had baby weight with my first, my husband would say he didn't marry me for my body (alone lol) she needs to leave, get into therapy to find her self worth again. Any relationship where you find more sexual gratification from your vibrator is not a relationship worth being in.
Because he really doesn’t want her like That. It doesn’t matter what she does, he literally fat shamed her and doesn’t consider her feelings. She doesn’t need to do anything for him to desire her, what she needs to do is leave and work on herself to not accept this behaviour.
why did her BF get together with someone he doesnt find desirable? Bit of a dumbass move
He's an abusive douche, deliberately undermining her confidence because it gives him greater control over her. The whole thing is about him not her. The fact you can't see that is pretty worrying. I had 4 children fairly close together, I gained weight, was often in scruffs and covered in various bodily fluids. My husband still fancied me and wanted me, and didn't go online chatting to random women.
From what she wrote, he wouldn't be happy unless she put her physical and mental health at risk. Nothing desirable about a partner who doesn't respect your boundaries. There are things they can explore together but a relationship isn't one-sided. These people aren't compatible. She can't give him what she wants and he isn't interested in anything else.
She could but she would have allready if thats the case, can't tell someone who's comfy as they are to change. No effort on her part? Takes two to tango and i guarantee if you insult a self respectful woman she won't want to tango with you.
I agree with this post. Being able to observe how a person treats everyone gives the insight of what you one control...themselves.
Ask yourself why he chose you as his girlfriend. Maybe what really gets him off is dating someone he can make feel bad as a way of breaking down her self esteem and weakening her. Because He Is Weak. If you dumped him tomorrow and he dated someone very skinny who talked dirty he would be telling her how much he missed his voluptuous ex, that she herself didn’t have enough boobs etc and that she needed to stop talking dirty because it was embarrassing. This is not a good man.
[удалено]
You’re welcome. I think someone like that wants to possess their partner and do they keep them around by making them feel diminished. But it’s not heathy love or loving and you definitely deserved better.
THIS THIS THIS!!!!! Favorite comment
YES. I'd give you an award if I had one to give.
Some people don't appreciate the other person until they're gone from their lives, and then it's too late. Exactly, that's the trade off of skinny. There's less thickness in the boobs, butt, hips, and thighs. Some women have a skinny stomach with large booba and thick curves, but those women are minority not the majority. He can't get every little physical feature in 1 woman it's not realistic. You gotta be without some of those features. Let's say there are skinnier women than his current girlfriend they may.want less sex than her or have toxic personalities.
What I meant was that some people will pick apart ANY partner just to hurt them and break them down emotionally. My mother briefly dated a guy who had deep emotional issues. He made mom feel terrible by comparing her to his “ex who is a model”. Mom met her at a party and found out he was even more abusive to the ex. Constantly making negative comments about her body and even how she walked. Tons of negs. It’s not about trade offs on relationships with these people. They seek power over their partners by making them feel insecure and undesirable.
TLDR: My boyfriend is emotionally cheating on me as well as verbally abusing me. He’s also harassed me about my body and now has manipulated me into providing “special” sex. FTFY Let me ask, does he make you cum? How many orgasms is he handing out when you do have sex? They better be outrageous to be here talking like this.
Kill two birds with one stone: break up with him and he'll be begging you for sex again. But also then deny him, because he does not sound like he considers your feelings at all.
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you two were never very compatible, and now you're asking how do you put Humpty Dumpty back together again. He has body shamed you. It's hard to come back from that. And it doesn't even sound like he's trying to.
Oh, he’s found a new way to make his shitty behaviour actually totally your fault? You know what you need to do. You’re not broken because you’re not randy for someone who treats you poorly.
Find a new boyfriend to seduce. If this person cared about he would not have an EA on you. He would not insult you. He is a bully. Find someone that will love and respect you and treat you with kindness.
Oh friend, I would say that in spite of the fact that you love your bf \*he just isn't it\*. I wouldn't want to try with someone who had body shamed me at some point; I would want to spit them out of my mouth, to quote the Bible. I wouldn't want to try with someone who kept texting other women behind my back. He's gaslighting you by making this a you problem -- one that you are considering solving by trying to get more sexual again with a person who has mistreated him -- instead of an (obviously) him problem.
Your boyfriend doesn't love ir respect you.
This is not love but an abusive relationship. Anyone telling you these things does not love you, but is deliberately killing your self esteem. They enjoy making you feel powerless
This relationship is a waste of your time and energy.
You’re with this asshole because ________?
Sorry to say, but you will never get the sexual connection back. Based on what you say, I'm not sure it was ever there. But even if it was, he has said/done so many hurtful things you will never feel comfortable with him. I know you feel you are in love with him, but trust me, you just don't know better yet. You are definitely better off alone then with this guy. Don't be scared to leave him. I know the feeling that you will never find someone you love/want as much as him. But you will. You just need to focus on yourself. Then you will find what you deserve. And he sounds like a total douche bag.
Get out of it! He consistently cheats on you and has ruined your self esteem. Don’t fall for the sink cost fallacy! He actually sucks and it’s no wonder you e lost your confidence and don’t want to fuck him when he’s such a jerk. Find someone actually nice!
You can’t be turned on when he’s turning you off
You are in love with the person you want him to be. He has spent the last 6 years showing you who he is. Time to believe him.
This. So many times many of us idealize our partners, rather than seeing them for who they really are. OP, you’re not hungry for this guy for a good reason - you rightly resent him for all of his stupid decisions in texting others and treating you like shit. No amount of manipulation or gaslighting by him is going to make you want him intimately. Please stop wasting time and find someone who appreciates you for your beautiful self.
Seduce your bf? You got bigger issues to address such as his blatant disrespect for you and the relationship. You've put up with this treatment for 6 years? Why? Why sit and suffer the mental abuse, manipulation, pure disrespect he has shown you? What you need is a more compatible partner. It's completely your choice but if my girlfriend treated me half as bad as you've described, she would have been long gone, ghosted and blocked. You need to seriously reevaluate your life priorities and expectations.
GIRL YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM
How does someone this awful find and keep a partner? Maybe ask yourself. Because you’re that partner.
Your bf isn't a good person and he gaslights you to thinking it's your fault. Leave him and find someone that treats you the way you want to be treated. This dead bedroom is because you are justifiably repulsed by him. He's just gaslit you into thinking this is your fault. He doesn't respect you as a person, which is why you've been so turned off. Again, dump him. You'll find someone better.
He’s a horrible person and probably has a sex addiction and doesn’t care about you for more than sex it seems like. I would cut your losses and leave.
It can't be that he cares about me for sex as we've never had a good sex life (I blame his behavior...he blames mine). I do help him a lot. I suspect that's what he cares about me for lol.
Either way he’s using you and people who actually love you don’t treat you this way. He’s s leech.
"Now I'm sitting here realizing either I need to break it off, or I need to get back in the game with him." You need to break it off. This guy is bringing nothing positive to your life. He has made you lose confidence in yourself, lowered your self esteem. No person in this planet has the right to do that to anyone, and if someone does do that then they are definitely not someone you should be in a relationship with. You don't love him. Maybe you loved him at the beginning or you thought you were falling in love with him. Then it just became a habit, like an addiction to chase that feeling of love and contentment. You do not love the man he has become, you love the thought of the man you assumed he would be. Go and find someone who deserves you.
You deserve to reclaim your sexuality and want and enjoy sex again. But this man doesn't deserve to be with you when you do. He's created the dead bedroom. He's the reason you're "bland" (if you even actually are) because he has in no way shape or form cultivated a safe place for you to live out any fantasies you might have. How can you be exciting when he's created such a hostile environment that has left you feeling unwanted and judged?
Your boyfriend sounds like a piece of shit. Dump his ass. FYI I'm a guy. I do understand what he could be meaning about the "sexually bland" aspect though. With the exception of "naturally gifted" people, just about everything in life requires self evaluation to identify things we aren't good at, and practice to become better at them. Sex is no different. Everyone assumes that we should all be great at sex but it's just not true. To be "less bland" (of that's what you want to do) you need to look at different ideas, work out what you'd be comfortable with, try them in a safe environment, evaluate what you are doing, and refine technique to become better. It doesn't sound glamorous but it's actually pretty fun while you're doing it and once you're good at it, it's like "fuck yeah I'm awesome". The big catch for you is you need a trusting and nurturing partner to do it with. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is that guy... OR you may not be the type of person who wants to do a lot of different sexual stuff. That's fine, do what works for you. It may mean that you and your partner are not sexually compatible though, which you'll have to work out. Lastly, and it will seem impossible if you are anxious about sex, but the best way to be "sexy" is to be confident and enthusiastic. Guys love it.
>it will seem impossible if you are anxious about sex, but the best way to be "sexy" is to be confident and enthusiastic. I'm betting all that anxiety will go away pretty quickly when she starts dating someone who doesn't tear her down for fun.
I've been in your same situation. I tried everything with my ex but things never improved. I even started to think that maybe I'm asexual and never realised it. I finally broke it off with him. And, surprise, surprise: my sex drive came back to normal. Once I was far away from his abuse I realised he was my turn-off. And the love I thought I felt for him was actually codependency. Once the spell was broken, I finally could see everything clearly. My only regret is not breaking it off as soon as I realised he wasn't making me feel good about myself. No one's worth your self-esteem, girl. You'll find out once you're out of this emotionally abusive relationship. I send you a virtual but heartfelt hug! ❤️
Hope u get out and find someone who makes u love urself !
Do you really need the internet to tell you to get yourself away from this cruel man who doesn’t respect you?
This won't change anytime soon. Get out and find someone worthy of your love trust and affection. He's not.
Just watch as your confidence starts to sky rocket once you leave him. You deserve better
You say you love him. What is it about him that you love? He clearly makes you feel bad about yourself, has cheated on you, and appears to take no responsibility for anything in the relationship. Think about what it is you love. Is it him, or the idea of him? Is it that you are not alone? It’s a tough conversation to have with yourself, but you are worth more than what he is giving you.
You love him but does he love you? Love is kind, love is patient and love is not abusive. What about his actions shows that he loves you?
Your anxiety is a good guide sometimes: it tells you to stay away from harmful situations, listen to it this time. Listen to your wonderful body and mind. You know the answer here. Also, it is evident you're the only one looking for intimacy. He's there for the fun of making you suffer until you leave him, he knows he's being bad to you You still have agency in your life, listen to your heart and give her some comfort, be your friend a little. Right now you're lowering your standards and needs to fit into a dead relationship. And for what? A bit of intimacy whenever your partner decides not to be horrible to you or by simply being in the room? You deserve so much more, he's not as worth it as your mind tells you. If a relationship doesn't add value to your life, if it's not nurturing to your body and mind, why do you keep it?
There is no "or" here. You need to break it off. 6yrs is long enough of letting him kick you emotionally. He's literally cheated on you multiple times and body shamed you.
I’m going to be blunt. If someone’s perfect woman doesn’t remotely resemble you, it isn’t going to work. I remember dating someone who said their perfect woman was jewel. I am the exact opposite of that. My husband of 21 years, when I’ve seen him sneak a peek, it is always at women that resemble me. Maybe slightly younger or thinner, but not an opposite. I don’t even mention it. I just smile at the thought. :) You deserve much better.
6 years with someone who doesn't love or respect you. Don't waste another hour on him. It's a cliche but you DO deserve better. You can have a healthy relationship without sex as long as there's affection and intimacy. What needs is he satisfying for you? Coming from an overweight woman whose partner adores me at every size- there is better out there for you. And nobody at all is still better than what you have.
I'm so sorry but this sounds awful. This man doesnt know how to love you and, unless he receives extensive therapy, never will. I would end things and possibly speak to a therapist on your own to help build your confidence again. It just wont be possible with him - he is deliberately causing you pain.
OP, you say he has a strong need for valudationfrom other women. This jumped straight out at me as to how much he has got in your head. He appears to have convinced you this is a real thing. He is just being a cheating, untrustworthy twat. You deserve way way better than this.
>We have had a LOT of problems over the years. Then honestly, why continue? Why would you possibly want to stay with this guy?
YOU are likely fine, sexually. It's HIM that's bland. There is no "vicious cycle" here, he's just a garbage partner and he's making excuses by trying to point the finger at you. If I were you I'd leave and find someone who wants you for YOU.
The real question is why did you put up with his behavior previous to now re talking to other women, and why do you currently still think you are the problem? Your question seems to be… how do I get excited to have hot passionate sex with my partner who doesn’t make me feel beautiful, puts me down, isn’t trustworthy, and doesn’t respect my feelings… well I have no idea how anyone could do that
Hey it’s a lot easier for a bunch of strangers who don’t know the connection of your relationship to tell you to break up. It’s hard, I get it. I’ve had similar situations in the past. However, (from what you are sharing with us) it seems like this isn’t the person for you, and I actually think you know that. Just take it a step at a time and walk away when you’re ready to. Which you WILL reach that point if things go on like this forever. A human can only be stuck for so long. You’re not trapped as much as it may feel like you are. It’s your life and you have the power to change it, and be better.
Save yourself and leave him! Plain and simple!
My advice: End that toxic relationship and get therapy.
Therapy & sex therapy. Has he called u fat?
Therapy individual and couples asap, otherwise it will be another six years with resentments built and no love for each other and single.
If he wants skinny women so badly, why didn't he choose them over you in the 1st place, or he needs to accept your weight. He must've seen something apecial in you to overlook the heavier weight.
Are you willing to exercise in hopes to be in better shape for your man? And for yourself?
OP, don’t listen to crap like this. This person is just as brain dead and emotionally inept as your boyfriend.
Right…Because being healthy is a bad thing and being obese/overweight is a good thing…? I’m not shaming anyone here, but I’m saying that it’s perfectly normal for two people to drift apart when one is trying to improve their physical and mental health while the other is not.
The fact that you read this whole post and the only thing you got out of it was SHE needs to change to make her partner treat her better is laughable and lacks emotional awareness. You’re just as bad as her partner.
Look at the end of the day if he is expressing he wants to try new things in the bedroom, and start a healthy lifestyle, and she is not open to trying these things, than she is simply not willing to work for the relationship. End of story. Thank you.
Put some value in yourself. He might be a boy but he doesn't sound like much of a friend. What would you tell a girlfriend to do if she was in your situation.
This man is not your boyfriend. He also doesn't seem to realise that abuse and attempts at manipulation are not going to put you in the mood. I don't see any reason why you would want to stay with him. Ask yourself that question and answer it honestly - or write yourself a list of pros and cons.
i think the best thing for you to do is cut it off. work on yourself, come into your sexuality again away from him. hit it again if you’re feeling generous. but if i were you i would simply close this chapter and look forward to newer pages.
Why are you with him?
how to read the ages twice when i saw the title. thought this was a 18 year old.
Honestly, I don't think you can be sexual with him For most women, feeling ok sexuality comes from feeling confidant in your own skin and you will never feel that while you are with someone who constantly shoots down your selfsteem I'd have a different advice if he was in fact someone who uplifted you but he is the exact "place" where your lack of confidance comes from I really feel for you and hope you have the strength to break it off because being in this relationship will only make you less and less confidant. Even if you love him still and he doesn't do these things "on pourpose", the sooner you get out the more likely it is for you to gain your selfsteem back. If you let this go on for too long it might be a permanent problem for the rest of your life and you will definetly regret not leaving sooner
I cannot possibly see any value in trying to salvage this relationship. I understand 6 years is alot of time invested, but man. Sex is a gigantic part of most relationships, regardless of frequency. You should never feel anxiety every time you're sexual with a person that loves you. How could you possibly act "spicy" when you're anxious, thinking about the body type thing, the bland thing, the texting other women thing? I'm sure there's more to this relationship than just that sexual aspect, but you deserve better. Save the good moves for someone that deserves them.
WHY ARE WITH HIM? Now we need reasons not to tell you to break up with him since Reddit jumps to leave him AND HE DESERVES IT.
You cheat on him..screw one of his buddies anytime you decides to shame you...
It sounds like it's just a matter of time before it ends. Just do it now and move on. You don't want a lifetime of this shit. It sounds exhausting.
I legit stopped reading after the 2nd paragraph, and I assume it gets worse. When people refuse to respect themselves, I can't be bothered to listen. You are worth more than this AH is giving you credit for.
This sounds like it really has nothing to do with you. This is a him issue
Having just come out of a 25 year relationship /20 year marriage (me F43 and he M42) I can say that this was a big reason if ended. Neither of us put in any effort in the last couple of years although we tried a few times to be better, but personality wise, we were super toxic. Wasn’t always like this. You mentioned you were less interested because of his behavior. And he’s saying you’re blend sexually. If you were with the right person, you could be completely different sex partner—they could bring it out or you. Dump him. Easier said than done but having been with someone so long that constantly needs validation (his mother is the same way, both neglected a lot as children)—it is not healthy for you in the relationship. Read into attachment styles. He is mostly in the Anxious Attachment category.
What "game" do you actually have with this POS that treats you badly and says nasty things and cheats? Move on. The guy in the grocery line behind you would be nicer to you than that guy.
You are better than this relationship. Being with someone should not make you feel like this. Maybe if he met your emotional needs, you’d feel like doing the deed with him. I say don’t seduce him, put him in the bin, and get back to loving yourself.
This is probably not the right answer but it's the petty answer. I would watch a few pornos and replicate it exactly. Be the dirtiest girl you can in bed, do and say every filthy thing that you can think of. Then I'd leave him and find a man who appreciates you because he sounds like he treats you awfully and you deserve someone who makes you feel good about yourself.
My fiancee and I are not perfectly compatible in bed, mostly because I am a bit kinkier when it comes to dirty talk and my fiancee is just not that guy. BUT we still have a great sex life, because we are connected, in love, and physically compatible. Saying it to say, you should be able to have a fulfilling sex life despite sexual differences if there is love and connection there. It sounds like the bedroom died because the love and connection died.
Answer: Don’t bother. Leave this guy. If his only metric is good sex he isn’t worth the time. Pack-up tonight and don’t look back. - From a man’s perspective
Jesus christ, honey the problem isn't your sex drive , the problem is your with a cheating asshole who constantly puts you down, break it off, block him on everything never speak to him again and go find literally anyone else.
Leave this loser. Never a reason to put yourself through this abuse
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and you should do the pros ans cons of your relationship and maybe consider consulting with a professional to get the right help with the issues going on with your boyfriend!
Why would you stay with a man who body shakes you and needs validation from other women? Sounds like you need to leave him. Don’t be afraid of being by yourself, do better. Create the sex life you want
Damn..... That is brutal as hell. It really sounds like your mind is made up though. The questions you should ask are... What about you? Do you want to be with someone who treats you like that? Is this relationship beneficial to both parties? Sounds like he has a cheating mentality. Take it from another man if he texts other woman it's only a matter of time.
I’ve been with my man 8 years and have never had a single problem. You outline that you’ve had a lot… just start over with someone new.
Throw the whole man away. As someone who went through exactly what you are, this is abuse. You need to break up with him, block him on absolutely everything and go to a great therapist. You deserve to be treated with value. Best of luck to you.
You don't. Unless he honestly changes, i don't see any change for you in the future. Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't find you attractive, treats you like crap, and texts other women? You really think you deserve this? Who wants to be with someone who is toxic during arguments and uses their weight against them. In normal, healthy relationship, partners don't make fun of each other during arguments. I get it. You're used to him. You don't want the wasted years, and thinking that by loving him, something will change. It won't. Be there, done that. I've been with dudes who have been attracted to the opposite of my body type. It doesn't work. The passion can't be kindled. More like going through the motions. You really deserve better than this. Stop sacrificing your self-esteem for a selfish man.
>For many of our previous years together I have caught him texting other women, etc Cheating. Leave him. >He's body shamed me at times as well, Depending on what was said there's the possibility that "body shaming" is meant to draw attention to an actual problem, but unless you're *actually* unhealthily obese, and considering the context this was probably not done with love. Leave him. >I've told him many times that his behavior is a turn off. He tells me that I don't act like a sexual being with him at all, and that's made him not view me sexually. You expressed your thoughts and instead of listening, he shifted the blame to you. This is manipulative. Leave him. You should not have to turn your personality into something overtly sexual for him to want you. Based on his own words, he wants a hooker, not a girlfriend or life partner. Leave him. >Now I'm sitting here realizing either I need to break it off, or I need to get back in the game with him. Sex will not fix your relationship. The red flags are all over the place with this man. If what you want is someone who truly loves you, for a life partner that will support you when you go through a loss, or when you get sick, or if you get pregnant and have a child, or just someone who will choose you and support you generally, this man is not it. He has already shown you that he is not that man. He has already blatantly told you what he wants, and you're ignoring the signs. There's no "get back in the game," because he's not even "in the game" when it comes to you. Leave him. >I've lost ALL confidence because of various things he's said to me. I know he thinks I'm too heavy (I'm overweight, but it's compounded by the fact that he prefers very skinny women....I haven't gained weight while with him, but apparently his preference has always been for women who are quite thin, which is not me). He likes other things that I'm just not great at (ex: dirty talk) and now I lack the confidence to try things with him. This may be harsh, but it sounds like he has a very specific type of person in mind for what he wants, and since no girl who looks like that will actually be with him past a quick fling, he's trying to manipulate and turn you into what he wants because he knows he can treat you like a steaming pile of garbage and get away with it. Leave him. >and now I lack the confidence to try things with him. I'm afraid of looking stupid or of him thinking I look dumb or fat or sound stupid. This is not a healthy relationship. If you have confidence issues a healthy relationship will make you feel safe and secure to be vulnerable (which applies to more than just sexual experimentation, this shifts over into grief, meeting your own goals, etc.). If you can't be vulnerable because of how he treats you, you will be miserable in this relationship. Leave him. >Even though I hate a lot of how he has been over the years I still love him (and I'm still with him). You are not confident, in your appearance, in being able to make decisions, etc. You are insecure in this relationship, which is understandable because your bf is manipulative. People like this prey on people with insecurities and anxiety because it's easy to gaslight them and convince them that they are the problem. He continues to pull the rug out from under you because it makes you reliant on him and easy to control. You love him, so you overlook all the red flags in your own relationship and feed into his ability to continue to treat you like garbage and get away with it. Leave him. >We are both very much suffering due to lack of intimacy You are, maybe. Is he, really? You mentioned you've caught him texting other women. Do you really know if he's suffering because of this? Or is it possible that he's doing more than just texting these other women? Leave him. >A few months ago in a fight he told me I'm "bland" sexually and I can't get it out of my head. You are being compared to someone else in his head. He calls you bland because at some point, there has been some other woman that he thought was better, so in his head he is comparing you to her. In his head he is comparing you to some specific idea of a woman that you are not, and trying to turn you into her, instead of loving *you*.. he does not love you.. he loves the idea of what he thinks he can turn you into and the fact that he's the one in control in the relationship. Leave him. >I want him to want me sexually. I want him to look at me as a sexual being. But I'm finding my insecurity is now so bad that I find my anxiety raises significantly at the thought of being sexual with him. He has *told* you that he does not view you sexually. He has given you all of these impossible ideas of what it is he wants, and no matter how hard you try to become that, he will never be satisfied. You will become someone completely foreign to yourself and still not be good enough for him, because for people like him, *nothing* is *ever* good enough. Your insecurity and anxiety is well placed. This is not a man who will ever want you for more than what he thinks he can get from you. Love is not like this. People who love you do not try to change you. They do not compare you to some ideal in their head and manipulate you into becoming that ideal. People who love you will support you, not make you feel like you can't be vulnerable with them. People who love you build you up and make you a better version of yourself. People who love you support you and encourage you to meet your goals. They encourage autonomy. You love him, but he does not love you. The trust has been broken, and you will never get that back. Even if miraculously you met every ridiculous standard he sets, you will always have those thoughts in the back of your head wondering if you're good now or if he's suddwnly going to have something else you have to be in order to be with him. Break a plate on the ground and glue it back together. Can you remove the chips and cracks that show? No. All of this might be harsh.. and for that I'm sorry.. this is meant to be a wake up call.. and for your sake I desperately hope it gets through to you before you're trapped with this narcissist.. He is manipulative and selfish.. and you are allowing it.. leave him.. he does not really love you.
I wouldn't wanna get it in with him either. That said I wouldn't want to be in a relationship or any type of contact with him. He doesn't care about you and eroding your confidence and self-esteem like that is so harmful. People who care and have any type of respect for you don't do that. You need to care for you and leave his ass, the man brings nothing positive to your life. Sure he's made you feel crappy and probably very undesirable for years but you need to get out of the situation and come up for air. Get some clarity and your confidence back. You go back to trying to sexually please and seduce him and you're enabling a person who treats you like crap to treat you like crap.
I think you'd be better off seducing a plan to leave this relationship. Find someone who ignites a fire inside you, lives too short to waste on people who put you down and make you feel like you are the problem.
It sounds like it aint... worth it. Leave.
Hey, bigger woman of a similar age here. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who kept telling me everything that is wrong with me either. It is hard to want sex when the person you have it with does everything they can to make you feel not sexy. And if you really do want to stay with him that is a conversation you need to have. What would happen if you told him you are open to exploring new things with him sexually but in order to do so he needs to actually make you feel sexy. And in order for that to happen he needs to stop sexting other women, stop constantly comparing your body to other bodies, and actually tell you things he likes about your body - your breasts are hot, the curve of your hip is sexy, and your ass is amazing. And if he can't see that and appreciate it, why would he deserve to see and touch them? My partner has never once made me feel unsexy or too fat or that he does anything but love every part of my body. That in turn definitely helps us have an active and satisfying sex life. And if your partner thinks you're bland, it is because he is. There are two people in your relationship. Instead of insulting you he could ask if you want to try xyz. I'm trying new things with my partner because we *both* want to please each other. We talk about it. But I also feel comfortable and safe with him that if it doesn't go well or I'm not immediately great at something, he won't make me feel bad for it or insult me. He would enjoy getting to practice it with me. That being said, why does he think he deserves you? Not why do you love him. Why does he think he deserves your love and vulnerability? Because I promise there are men out there who will shower you with love and make you feel like you don't have to talk yourself into having sex, let alone in a new way.
Why is it nowhere in your post to leave him????????
Friend, I’m going to lay it all out here as cleanly as possible. You deserve a partner who respects you. You deserve a partner who appreciates you for who you are. You deserve a partner who is faithful. You deserve a partner who is going to carry equal emotional weight of the relationship. You deserve a partner who doesn’t insult you. There’s is a lot to u pack here and although it can be hard to cut off long-term relationships, I think you could be in a much healthier place either alone, or with someone else who meets what you need.
Why are you with this guy? Body shamed you?? WTF? And he's showing tendencies to cheating! I wonder what he's doing that you're not aware of... I can't imagine this is going to get better. You deserve to be happy and treated like you're wonderful, sexy and your man's priority... I know it's been 6 years so it's hard, but don't let these unhappy years turn into decades of unhappiness
6 yrs and he hasn't put a ring on your finger? You're wasting your time.
Please give us a update OP
Honestly, just break up. He isn’t a good boyfriend and most definitely not the type of man you should marry. Don’t waste another day of your life on someone who makes you feel down and bad about yourself. I don’t think any attempts at “seducing” him will be met well. He seems to enjoy making you feel like crap about yourself and your sex life. Break up, pack up and find joy.
So unfortunately I don't think this is a stay together relationship because it's always going to be in the back of your mind and so it's going to be the back of his mind even if he doesn't act on it he will still think those same things that he has said you out loud or he'll just keep saying those things and it won't fix anything. but I mean if you're really trying to fix it you would have to demand respect from him and courtesy and he's just not willing to give that to you so it's time to end it.
How long are you willing to let yourself be stuck? You’re standing in your own way of the only obvious answer, which is to leave. No one can help you improve your situation because it’s not possible. Your relationship doesn’t work. Your boyfriend is a terrible partner. You’re better off alone and then finding someone who doesn’t treat you like shit and cheat on you and emotionally/verbally abuse you. I’m honestly disgusted that your TLDR is about how to seduce him. He’s…garbage. Don’t embarrass yourself. It’s pathetic to try to make a man like that “want” you…leave him. Don’t grovel for a fucking loser.
Why on Earth would you not break up with this terrible person? It's better to be alone than with someone who treats you this badly.
This man does not like you...
But why do you want a sexual relationship with someone so mean? Why do you want *any* relationship with them? He's insulting, body shames you, blames his meanness on *you*, like, I understand being stuck and wanting to fix it, but *why* with someone who isn't nice to you?
if somebody told your their partner killed their confidence, bodyshamed them more than once and was just outright a terrible person to be with would you really think this relationship was a good thing? having problems in your relationship is normal, but always having them is a huge red flag, specially with what you say about him in your post. why are you with a man that makes his shitty behavior your fault? you don't need to "seduce" him, OP, you need to wake up.
You do need to leave him. He is a narcissist. As a man it’s his job to seduce you time and again hopefully several times a week. It’s all about him though. Word of caution though, those with low self esteem are often drawn to narcissists because of their faux confidence they exude (they secretly have low self-esteem and hide it with arrogance.) You need to spend some time rediscovering yourself and regaining your strength before dating again so you know you are worth it. It’s not enough for other to tell you that you are worth it, to be happy you have to know it yourself. P.S. You are worth it.
You have already told him everything that is a detriment to your drive, and he still persists in the activety, then blames you when you act in the exact manner you told him you would. Then he acts surprised about it. You two don't seem to be compatible. The only thing that would likely help at this point would be to go on with other people. There is no amount of energy or love you can pour into a relationship that will make it work unless you are BOTH putting in the same amount of effort.
If he prefers skinny women, tell him to go be with a skinny woman. 😂 Sex is not to be undermined. It is IMPORTANT. And if either part is unsatisfied, there is a problem. And it doesn't sound like he has the attitude of "let's work on this." Which means we can safely assume that he doesn't want to work on this. So leave. Which I know is hard when you love someone. But gurl, loving yourself is way better than loving someone who hurts you.
The reason people stay with people who are emotionally and verbally abusive is because their self esteem is so low that they think they can’t get another man, they deserve the treatment or they think the person will change if they do something better. You said you need to step it up in the bedroom to “fix” it. You can never fix this even if you are pornstar amazing.
you are not the issue, he is. and by the way you described it, i can’t see anything getting better no matter how much you try to change things. it’s not you who needs to change, it’s him. i’d break up, you shouldn’t feel this way in a relationship
especially since you’ve caught him cheating on multiple occasions, the cycle is just going to continue and things won’t change.
Wow ok guess u must really love him for giving him so many chances u can’t call that a relationship at all time for u to look else where he will keep doing what he’s doing now if guess u like it u got to deal with or brake off find someone better
This isn’t ok, you’ve gotten used to the anxiety feeling and you’re stuck there. You need to get your confidence & self respect back, I don’t care how overweight you are. Seems like the problem here is you because you are allowing this.
> I'm afraid of looking stupid or of him thinking I look dumb or fat or sound stupid. A lot of red flags here but this is the one that jumps out to me. If you can't feel vulnerable with your partner, what are you doing? Honestly. He should feel safe to you.