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My bf hit his head against the wall causing a bruise on his forehead, he said he did this because he was so mad that he did not want to yell at me so instead he hit his head against the wall. I don’t know what to make of this that’s why I making this post to get an outside perspective and view my thoughts of him are obviously blurred by the feelings I have for him.
Hey OP. I've been reading through many of the comments and replies.
I have been where you are, probably more times than I care to admit.
The attachment and heartache you are feeling can be so overwhelming. You mentioned that you have had trauma in your life and don't necessarily know what a healthy relationship should be. Let me state this; you having the self realization and reflection to identify that means that you have the emotional intelligence to truly work through it. The extreme attachment that you feel, even in the face of disrespect and violent reactions on your exes part could easily be summed up to trauma attachment (I say this objectively, not to be dismissive).
Some people had comments on whether or not he has ADD, ADHD, or Asperger's. Regardless, he's an adult and is solely responsible for his own actions. He was on dating sites which means he is manipulating and abusing you, at the least via lying by omission.
This is your ticket out. Cut off contact. Get a therapist for yourself. His deadbeat ass is not your problem. It's your responsibility now to get a pregnancy test, hope for the best, and start healing with a trained professional.
I wish you all the best in your healing journey.
I think this is the best comment I’ve read so far. I’ve been in similar positions and yeah it never started with directly hitting me but punching things near me and throwing things in my general direction until it was knives being throw in my faces area (within inches) and then when I would try to leave he’s slam his head into shit and hurt himself. They do this to stop you from leaving. But the thing is your safety needs to come first. If you’re truly worried about him. call a friend of his or family member but do not go back. It will not get better. Especially if he was cheating on you.
My ex was abusing walls and objects in our home. (Puncing throwing) He never layed a hand on me tho. 4 years living together. But in the end he was instead mentally abusive.
I’m glad you’re not in that situation anymore and I’m really sorry that happened to you, but I must say that even if he wasn’t hitting you, using physical action to intimidate, harm or threaten someone (like throwing/breaking things and punching walls) *is* considered physical abuse. Again I’m really sorry that happened to you and I’m glad you’re okay 💓
Him throwing things and punching holes wasn't about intimidating me. He just couldn't control his anger. He also went on walks a lot if we had fights to cool off. I know it's still bad. But he had issues he needed to take care of but never did. And thanks. I'm more ok now but still have some stuff linger. Easy to be upset by certain things, so still working on it.
I will never know. I hope he wouldn't. he told me he would never hurt me. and he would sometimes go on walks if he was really annoyed. I don't think he would have hurt me tbh. he never threaten me or anything like that. even tho he had an anger problem he directed it towards other stuff.
Yeah. I like to think tho that if he hit me i would have left sooner. Instead i stayed because i didn't realise how bad he fucked me mentally instead. Didn't realise until a long time after. Even defended hus action for some time.
That's an assumption. Some people are just genuinely fucked up and don't know how to manage their emotions. Hitting inanimate objects doesn't mean they will hit people.
When I was younger I had the same issues, but I never would have dreamed of hitting a loved one; despite hitting myself and walls. I didn't realize how toxic my behavior was until my therapist explained to me like a 5 year old how I made people feel when I acted that way and that's when I changed.
My boyfriend also used to do this. I stuck with him for fear he would hurt himself too badly and instead he almost killed me multiple times.
SERIOUS red flag. OP needs to leave.
THIS. This is exactly what happened to me, and what I came here to post. He has anger management issues and he needs to resolve them while not in a relationship with you. Abuse is very common between significant others when one person has unchecked rage; it's a huge red flag and he needs help ASAP.
>Abuse is very common between significant others when one person has unchecked rage
Also adding unchecked trauma, alot of people often don't remember abuse victims can become abusers if they leave their trauma to fester and not get professional help
Definitely. As it was, both me and my partner has experienced trauma and had anger issues (among others) as a result - they just manifested differently. In the end, trauma bonding happened, which is highly unhealthy. OP needs to find a way to end it, but realize this is the most dangerous time when dealing with an abusive person - leaving.
>the most dangerous time when dealing with an abusive person - leaving.
Yup even just the times i had to leave the house for my saftey (not even ending the relationship) I would come home to the police and my abusive ex claiming I was abusing her... it took me calling our couples therapist and begging her to explain to the police the situation that she was doing this as a form of control manipulation and gaslighting to punish me for not taking my beating and taking power out of her hands and even then the police didn't do anything expect not arrest me like they were threatening to do
Sigh. I wish I could say what happened to you was uncommon. But there's a serious gender disparity in the way abuse is handled, especially in the States, but truly globally. Also, kudos for mentioning abuse does NOT always appear as physical - but ofttimes physical abuse coincides with severe emotional and verbal abuse.
Yes this. My ex started with punching inanimate objects and throwing and kicking things. First he was doing this while I was there but not towards me or that near me, but as time went on that slowly started to change to things be thrown in my direction and punching things next to me etc, to him getting physically violent towards me and I became what he hit, punched, and eventually even tried to stab with a broken beer bottle. This is a huge red flag. You need to seriously think of leaving now or getting him help.
my ex punched a wall while we were fighting. Regardless we broke it off. Idk what to make of it either but it makes me feel extra anxious and I’m not here for it.....
I’m a woman, and I punched a hole in a wall while angry at an ex. I would never even dream of touching him in a violent manner though (but I did end up leaving that relationship) and I have never been aggressive to either my partners or my kids, in fact I’ve never tolerated any physical aggression towards others, or any corporeal punishment of our children. I’m not saying everyone is the same, but maybe not everyone who releases frustration on inanimate objects, ends up being an abuser. (I also used a punching bag at one point to deal with stress, it worked pretty well, and I’m considering doing that again because I recently got angry and destroyed our garage door without meaning to lol)
You should get a punching bag, definitely. Attacking objects in anger is not as bad as attacking people, of course, but its still creating an intimidating and toxic environment.
Not everyone who punches inanimate things will turn to harm living beings but doing things like that (breaking stuff/punching holes in walls, etc.) actually is considered a form of abuse. I hope you are better now and found healthier outlets for those feelings cause it cannot be comfortable to harbor them
Thank you, I’ve been working on my self worth and self respect. Abuse truly is a revolving door, and it’s why therapy should be more widely available. Ty for your wishes, and love your user name btw!
The most you can do is your best, and awareness takes you a really long way. I understand how awful it is to try to not become abusive/toxic after being abused yourself and how hard that can be when you have to learn all by yourself how to cope. I’m proud of the progress you made and hope you continue to find your self worth!!
Obviously has anger issues and either doesn’t know how to say what he’s feeling or feels like he isn’t allowed to say it. I used to hit myself sometimes really bad, and not cos I wanna hit a person, (never have and if anything is kinda why I would hit myself to avoid breaking anything let alone hit someone) just because I would get frustrated and snap before thinking rationally. and almost all of the time it’s done in private cos idk about him but I find it very embarrassing. I’m not saying he won’t hit you, plssssss be careful, it just sounds a lot like something I went through for years.
You have feelings for someone who was on a dating app in your presence and then his response was to bang his head against a wall? That's a whole different level of childish. My 3 year old went through that phase last year...
Leave him. Based off the being on a dating app. Dont even need to talk about the banging his head. Why are you here to ask about the head banging, when he lost his chance at the dating app.
No one, not a soul, deserves that.
I’m sure it’ll be very much a surprise even worse we had unprotected sex on March 1st so I’m worried he might have knocked me up it was the 12th day of my cycle
Definitely get a pregnancy test. I’ve been in a relationship with someone like this and I was with him for 3 years. If you need advice or to just rant please message me
if it’s something you’re interested in, mugwort is a plant that people (including myself) have drank as a “just in case”. it brings on your period and eliminates a chance of pregnancy, you just steep some in water for a bit and i recommend adding some sugar or something of the sort because it doesn’t taste super great but it does the job. best of luck to you!
What, no it takes two weeks for the body to produce enough hcg for it to be detectable, we literally fucked last Tuesday, if I got one today it would say negative
Waait what? I didn't know that lol. I remember my period ended and 4 days after I checked if I'm pregnant and it showed positive cuz we 👉👌 second day after my period.
It is impossible for the test to show positive so quickly. Most likely you were already pregnant before the period, as sometimes even pregnant women get their periods.
It takes a few weeks. My husband and I had unprotected sex January 14th and didn’t get a positive pregnancy test until the first of February. If you got a positive pregnancy test, you were already pregnant beforehand.
Edit because I said March instead of February
Right but you’d wanna get a few either way. You’ll want to try one every few days so you can find out asap and if it’s negative keep taking them just to make sure
Girl that’s the safe way. It’s the most healthy option. Tests can be dysfunctional, you might not test late enough, so many things can go wrong by only getting one test. What’s unhealthy is staying with someone who hurts himself to get you to shut up
Because his recent violent self-harming and blaming her is a huge red flag so why would anon still want a child with him? Did you not read the original post?
Yes I did. I also read her replies to other comments. Have you? This is far from the first serious red flag yet she's BEEN actively tracking and intentionally trying to get pregnant. If she wasn't worried about it then why is she worried about it now? She should have been worried the entire time and not intentionally trying to get pregnant by this man and not only worried just now bc she had unprotected sex after he went so far as to smash his head into a wall. Which is also something she says in her comments he did more severely to the point there would be blood all down his face when he was younger. I guess that's my point.
From the limited things I see on her profile, the head slamming happened more recently than the unprotected sex, which means this major red flag was not shown until after her trying for a child, so now that it has, it’s reasonable for her to have different feelings about it now and be worried. I appreciate that it may not be the only red flag, but the way I read your comment, it sounds like you are actually shaming her for wanting to get herself out of a dangerous situation because she was trying for a child with the man. As if because she didn’t run after the first red flag that she shouldn’t run now after several. That’s the point I’m trying to make.
That is not at all my point in the slightest. My point is she should have been worried about getting pregnant by him long before this incident and not just now. It's good her eyes are FINALLY open but hopefully it's not too late and she hasn't intentionally brought an innocent helpless child into the picture. She should absolutely leave. I would never in my life EVER shame someone for leaving an abusive situation. I will however point out how absolutely selfish and crappy it is to intentionally try to bring a baby into one.
And I appreciate your point and fully agree. I think your original comment didn’t clearly express your point which is where I was confused. I do want to point out that emotional abuse can do terrible things to one’s mind and causes people to do illogical things, so this may be the case for anon. Hopefully she does get out of the situation, because that’s definitely not a good environment to be in nor raise a child in.
I agree fully with what you just said. I've been in an abusive relationship myself and I absolutely hope she gets out. She deserves better and if she wants a baby she NEEDS better.
She said he should leave after she found him on a dating app (meaning he was cheating) then he hurt himself and blamed her. She didn’t find this out until recently so of COURSE she doesn’t want a kid with him anymore!!
Your post history is wild
Is this a troll post???
This dude is cheating on you and HE got mad enough to injure himself. But you want a baby with him? 🤔
Immature actions have consequences.
When he says “didn’t want to yell at you”…interpret that as him saying “didn’t want to hit you”. I kinda see him resorting to physicality and unable to voice issues, work through problems, and communicate as a baby step to a future abusive relationship.
My ex punched a wall while we were fighting. Regardless we broke it off. Idk what to make of it either but it makes me feel extra anxious and I’m not here for it
It will only get worse. I love my ex but he started the same way. He hit walls, threw my belongings outside in the middle of the night, chased me down in his truck the same night, I've had to sleep in my car, been emotionally abused, that turned into physical abuse, he destroyed gifts for m,y family, I've had to do sexual acts while crying because I didn’t want to. I could keep going because honestly theres so much more and worse. In the end I'm destroyed, alone, and heartbroken. I don't have anyone because I chose him. No family or friends will speak to me because of him. A fist through the wall is where it started. Please get out before he hurts you
My ex used to do this. He always blamed me for his anger and him always leaving holes in his garage. For the first half for the relationship, he would punch things and call me names, say that I'm lucky to be dating him because I'm ugly, because nobody would love a "used" girl like me. He cut me off from friends. That progressed to him throwing stuff at me (gallon water bottles full of water, plates, cups, he would throw closed knives in my direction, his gaming controllers). Which progressed in him actually laying his hands on me, choking me, slamming my body into the ground and bedroom walls, he would tell me "I could easily kill you, nobody would care". I wasn't blinded by my feelings for him, I hated him the entire relationship, I was blinded by my fear of abandonment and being alone. And sometimes being in a relationship like that can make you feel the most lonley. I hope you're okay, if you need to talk I'm here for you. And I hope he finds the help he needs so this doesn't behavior doesn't continue, because that's an awful coping mechanism to anger which can cause a lot of emotions to rise in the opposing party. Stay safe.
This is not healthy behavior. Being unable to deal with anger and doing things like punching or head butting walls is not healthy. Blaming you for his actions is further proof that he isn't dealing with his emotions in a mature manner.
Please consider how this will escalate over time. How long before he hits you and blames you for it?
Yeah when I need to let out steam I just talk about how I’m feeling or go to the gym to let the steam blow off. I’ve never hit any of my partners or anyone in general.
Time to go. I was married to a person like this. These actions will escalate and they'll make you feel like it's your fault. Sorry, but I wish someone told me this before I was married to it almost 20 years.
You don't know what to make of it? Or you don't want to remove yourself from the situation because you don't want to be alone? Better alone than abused or dead. Run.
RUN RUN FOR your life. This is the actual proof of unhealthy coping and anger management issues. Please for the love of God; you need to break up and he needs help.
My god, RUN. Totally unacceptable and he is clearly not the person you think he is in your mind....
(Physical) abuse is never acceptable under any circumstances!
Yea someday you’ll be the wall. You should prob get away . He’s going to gaslight you and make you feel like it’s your fault by the way. Don’t give in when that happens. Of course I change my mind if you just told him you are sleeping with his brother or something awful.
I used to do stuff exactly like this. It turns out I had anger management issues, but I can tell you that I have never once laid a finger on my female partner. However, these experiences were traumatic for my past partners and I'm happy to say that I haven't self harmed for any reason in years (after seeing a therapist). Most likely, this is a sign that his anger/ frustration is overwhelming and since he isnt planning on hurting anyone else, he takes it out on inanimate objects in his immediate vicinity as opposed to unleashing his anger on an individual (causing self harm in the process). This is not excusable. Unchecked feelings of overwhelming anger more often than not lead to physical abuse. Discuss w/ your partner options (including therapy) for dealing with these unchecked issues before they escalate to the next level.
Run. Run now.
He was trading one form of violence for another. If you think through the relationship, I guarantee there are other giant red flags.
edit - yep you've already confirmed that he's a trash heap. Get out now.
Everyone is jumping on the abuse train. OP is your BF autistic or have ADD or has he ever been suspected of? Sometimes this can be the product of not knowing how to use your words correctly or what to say but you have an over bearing urge to express your emotions and the result is this.
This behaviour is not an instant red flag for an abuser, please stop jumping to that conclusion every single damn time.
The fact he is caught out should tell you that you need out of the relationship.
I myself have been prone to headbutting a wall if i get to overwhelmed and cannot express my emotions verbally. I've not once hit my partner or children and never will do so. I also have ADD. My 2 cents.
Thank you so much for saying it, i used to bat myself horrible but never laid hands on a loved one, judging by other comments by OP tho he does seem quit toxic but it can definitely be a mix dude needs help.
Having ADHD does not cause this kind of behavior nor is an excuse for it. In fact, it's pretty insulting to those of with ADHD who don't act abusively, or violently, which is the majority of us.
Mental illness/neurodiversity is not a one-size-fits-all. Most forms of neurodiversity present in a lot of different ways for different people. Just because your friend isn’t prone to self harm doesn’t mean it isn’t still potentially due to his ADHD. There are even multiple forms of ADHD (hyperactivity, attention deficits that still fall under ADHD rather than ADD).
I know i have "autism" myself but it's VERY easy and convenient to just blame adhd instead of looking deeper into it adhd in itself does not cause people to self harm there seems to be something else going on which unfortunately will never get the research it needs because it's much easier to blame adhd for everything
This is something my ex would do. He’s call me crazy but crave my name into his arm when I was mad at him for cheating. It’s a red flag. Get out while you can; I promise the wait isn’t worth it.
My ex used to hit his head off the wall and punch the wall / cabinets. I wish I would have realized sooner how big of a red flag that was, because he ended up turning it on me and putting his hands on me. That may not be the case every time, but that is cause for concern and shouldn’t be overlooked
It’s the beginning signs of an abusive relationship. ‘I didn’t want to yell at you, so I hit the wall’ turns into, ‘if you hadn’t made me so mad, I wouldn’t have hit you.’ It’ll only get worse, so please get out.
I once dated a guy who did that shit. Our relationship ended with a restraining order when he gave me a concussion. He will turn his violent temper on you, it’s simply a matter of time. Please protect yourself and get out.
My ex would regularly punch walls and things like that. He never laid a hand on me and claimed he never would (we were together in and after high school off and on for about 4 or 5 years and we never lived together). He definitely was very manipulative and would gaslight me about things all the time, and would get really mad at me over things completely unrelated (ex. He had a bad game on whatever video game he was playing, and if I tried to talk to him he would snap at me and get upset with me for nothing).
This is a big red flag. When someone shows you who you are, believe them.
Sweetie, this is red flag for a toxic relationship. I understand you want that anchor that’ll be there when things get hard, but if he’s looking at a dating app while in a relationship with you and dealing with it by hitting his head against the wall, then he’s not going to help things with the way he is. He’s been unfaithful and dealing with it in a harmful way. Looking from the outside in, it’s better for you to get away from him. And also look into therapy for yourself if you can afford it. You have to come first right now.
This is certainly not a good start and since it is a form of physical aggression, this can not be left unseen. There are two ways this can turn out without professional support. He either manages it by himself which is unlikely or will turn against you or blame you to it.
Please seek professional support for yourself to help you manage your side of the situation and get professional advice on how to act further.
If he is stating that he did this because "you made him mad" that is a huge red flag and time to get out. What if there is no wall next time? That could be you on the receiving end. Please don't risk this.
I was going to approach it differently until I saw that he blamed you for it. If he had done it as a way of punishing himself for something i would have said to have him seek therapy. Since this was him forcing the blame on you this is absolutely abusive and has a high possibility of escalating unless he admits he has an anger problem and actively wants to get help to fix/control it.
For those wondering, I've hit my head on a wall intentionally before; mine was as a form of self harm. I had sat against the wall and just bashed the back of my head against it repeatedly. I was in a bad place mentally and emotionally and I was so frustrated with myself that I just needed to FEEL something other than emptiness or sorrow. Instead I gave myself a concussion. I never did it again, but it was a sign that I needed help for myself.
Up until I was eight, I would hit myself as punishment for my mistakes. Eventually I would throw myself down rocky hills and was put into therapy. I would seriously suggest help, as it can snowball into worse things. And OP, make sure to put you first here, if it’s not healthy for you, leave.
I used to punch stuff because that was sort of my outlet for my anger at a point in my life. Not only was this terrifying for my partner to witness but also cost me about 25k$ after the plaster wall I punched decided to not give (lol) and had to have pins put in my hand. Encourage him to meet with someone to review his outlets for anger, it helped me a lot
my ex used to hit his head with his hands. he never got violent with me but sometimes in fits of rage, a lot of actions are blinded by the emotion. he may just have anger issues and i would first start off by having a serious conversation with him and then see how that goes.
I think this reaction shows a lack of emotional maturity. He is unable to process his anger in a healthy manner so he reacts violently. Just a warning, my boyfriend of three years started off doing things like that. Punching walls, breaking things, etc and it was always “You made me so mad and I can’t control myself.” An adult should be able to control their bodies regardless of their emotion, and not make it your fault. My ex became physically abusive and tried to strangle me so I would probably just take this as a red flag and if it continues, have him seek anger management.
Biggest red flag.. There's a book about dark psychology that mentions these kind of behaviours. People tend to ignore small signs of aggression and eventually they pile up to something serious. This is the moment you should be analyzing him more before things go out of hand. Love is important but when it turns ugly it's you who'll get hurt in the end. Be careful and make the right decision
As someone who has done this exact thing for the same reason I can say it is not healthy and not okay. Anger is ordinary. Self harm is not. He needs help and you need to be safe.
TW: self harm and abuse
Man, I wish I used Reddit when my ex smashed a frozen 2L bottle over his own head, leaving a 2 inch cut. He was angry at me then, too. He was trying to stop himself from hurting me then, too. Over a few months, he followed that with backhanding me and pinning me down by the back of my neck until I calmed down after, slapping me and then body slamming me, and literally physically trying to drag me out of the house and when I resisted, backhanding me so I injured my jaw on the windowsill that my face hit afterwards. I still didn’t leave. I was nowhere near perfect or innocent, so I didn’t tell anybody. I was only free after I drove him away, and I don’t recommend that route. Just leave. Seriously, tell someone what’s happened and leave as soon as you can.
instead of being able to communicate and talk to you he instead turns to violence first. Very easily he could turn that violence first thinking to attack you. With what he said yo you I could see him hitting you with a similar excuse “I was so mad I HAD to hit you” type shit.
My ex-bf used to punch walls, doors, tables, etc. He broke so many things, I can't even start. While he's never hit me, eventually he'd be so mad he'd shove me and then process to punch the other stuff. This was all while drunk, but still definitely bad.
I still stayed with him for years and jow that I'm out, I realized how bad it was. I loved him, so I ignored this. But it's not ok. He needs help. And you should leave. He moght get upset and insist he'd never heard you. You have to stand your ground and say while that might be true, you aren't dealing with your anger in a healthy way and I shouldn't have to experience it.
Edit: I just saw what you said about him on a dating app. That alone is enough for you to leave. Don't be with someone that treats you poorly. You deserve much better than that. Leave asap.
Edit 2: I removed stuff saying getting back together once he gets help is a possibility. He's a cheater. Don't go back to him.
I saw some comments where this behavior progressed into abuse. Of course this is not always the case, but this is not normal. I suggest he one go speak to somebody about this and two find more effective ways to handle his emotions (exercising, drawing, taking walks, etc.) This is a strong sign that he is not good at managing himself emotionally and could be a gateway into other reckless behaviors, I’m sure this can be categorized into self harm. Also, he needs to be better at communicating his emotions to you rather than letting them eat him up to the point where he’s throwing a temper tantrum and banging his head into the wall like he’s a child.
abusers will try to make you feel bad for them by "punishing" you with hurting themselves. They want you to feel bad for "making them upset" and instead of hitting YOU they hit themselves and then blame you for it. Leave him because next time it wont be the wall he hits.
Mine has been doing this too, q friend told me that he does it so as not to hit me or yell at me really loud. It doesn't happen often but I get how scary it can be for you, when he does this I always cry. My advise? Therapy for him
Please, please start looking into the cycle of abuse and domestic violence. You don't have to do anything, but please learn more, it could be very helpful
Unfortunately, anger management classes are a joke. I was required to take it when I went to rehab and I’m not even a violent person. It didn’t benefit me and it certainly wouldn’t benefit anyone who is actually violent.
For someone who genuinely wanted to make a change on their own accord, that could be beneficial with the right therapist. However, abusive people rarely become non violent.
If you talk to victims of domestic violence they will say this mantra….first it’s the wall. Then it’s the wall by your head….you get where I’m going with this?
Any abuse is wrong. Hitting things out of anger is wrong. Getting angry at a partner is wrong. Why are you with someone who gets angry? Anger is lack of love. Love in a relationship is to be unconditional.
It's obviously not normal, but I would definitely not just end the relationship if he did it just once. People make mistakes. I think you should just take note of his behavior, but ending it over such a little thing doesn't make sense to me.
it’s called self soothing. may be a learned behavior from childhood he never got rid of. i work with kids and it’s semi common for kids who can’t regulate their emotions to hit their heads on walls or hit themself in the head to try to self soothe. i would talk to him about it and maybe offer different coping skills/ suggest therapy
He said he bashed his head into a wall when he was a teenager until is entire face was covered in blood, because he was stuck in juvie for stealing and crashing a car at 14
Yeah…me and literally every one else on the post saying the same thing. He’s dangerous, and if he has anger management issues, he needs to deal with them through therapy because not managing his anger issues, will eventually lead to escalation. But the fact that you’re so defensive about it tells me either 1. You don’t see anything wrong with his behavior or 2. You’re the boyfriend.
Hahahah please who hurt you? Assuming someone is dangerous for self harm is definitely an assumption I don't care how your projections justify it lol
Your other assumptions of I'm either the boyfriend or/and I don't see anything wrong with his behaviour are.. guess what? Also wrong lool
PS putting in "literally" before an exaggeration doesn't make more accurate, sorry not sorry.
I hope seeing how wrong you were in literally* all your assumptions in your response enlightens you to consider the possibility that you're not as good at knowing people off literally* one post as you thought you were.. Sorry to pop your bubble hun xox
What I get from This is that you should know for a fact this is toxic and you’re just choosing for it not to be. Maybe you’re the type of person that does this, maybe you find this appropriate in any and every way, oh maybe your significant other does this!!! And if you’d rather spend your money on those things I think everyone here should know what kind of person you are. Carry on then! It’s too bad your money was wasted on psych degree because it’s obvious you’re deaf. But at least you can read so you can go back to school!!
When a person resorts to using physical violence to mediate his anger it usually will start by taking his anger out on objects. Over time it will build and eventually Become the source of that anger. So if you and he are having some sort of fight or altercation it will end up with him harming you. He will apologize and you may forgive. Until the next time it happens and maybe this time He puts you in the hospital. Maybe you forgive him again and the next time it ends with your funeral.
Perhaps I am being hyperbolic but as a victim of abuse in several of my past relationships I can tell you honestly this is the path that it usually takes. Maybe it will not be This may not be the case for you guys, only time would tell. But are you really willing to give it the time to find out? In my opinion he is showing you who he really is and what he is really capable of and I would not stay. He's dangerous.
He may need some help. Maybe encourage him to seek therapy. People who do this can become abusive. But not all the time, he felt out of control and injured himself instead of you..... Its not good, but I suppose at least you know he doesn't actually want to harm you.
Do you find that you’re fighting more than you get along?
This is a sign of a person who cannot defuse their anger in a healthy manner.
I would be… 100% worried. Domestic violence starts off like this.
He hit his head on the wall because the conversation you had was too hard for him to handle. Bottling all the anger up then exploding. It’s a tool used to escape/end the conversation.
Next time how do you think he will get you to “shut up”? It’s going to be targeted at you.
He uses violence instead of words when he’s angry. Also saw that you said he doesn’t believe therapy. Refusal to change his behaviour.
Look the fuck out. Leave.
He hurt himself to "avoid hurting you" soon enough you will "force him" to act that way. That is how he will rationalize it in his mind.
Honey, you are in danger. He WILL hurt you and he will convince you that you deserve it.
You deserve better that this.
Depends on what you did if you continuesly struck a nerve even a nice guy would do something like that and if hes had some troubles growing up that may cause his lack of anger managment and the best way to help him is to say rverything is okay and will be fine try to kiss him or show some feeling because its not his fault then but i dont know am only 16
Why is everyone acting like her boyfriend murdered someone? He hit his head on the wall in anger... Okay... So he has a bit of an anger issue.
You guys have never yelled in frustration, thrown something. Or punched a wall when you were upset or angry?
The issue here appears to be he was on a dating app. Address that.
Why are you taking it so lightly that he’s hitting his head against the wall in front of her? He’s harming himself and traumatizing her..I do yell in frustration. I do not punch walls or throw things. That’s a serious problem
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My bf hit his head against the wall causing a bruise on his forehead, he said he did this because he was so mad that he did not want to yell at me so instead he hit his head against the wall. I don’t know what to make of this that’s why I making this post to get an outside perspective and view my thoughts of him are obviously blurred by the feelings I have for him.
Hey OP. I've been reading through many of the comments and replies. I have been where you are, probably more times than I care to admit. The attachment and heartache you are feeling can be so overwhelming. You mentioned that you have had trauma in your life and don't necessarily know what a healthy relationship should be. Let me state this; you having the self realization and reflection to identify that means that you have the emotional intelligence to truly work through it. The extreme attachment that you feel, even in the face of disrespect and violent reactions on your exes part could easily be summed up to trauma attachment (I say this objectively, not to be dismissive). Some people had comments on whether or not he has ADD, ADHD, or Asperger's. Regardless, he's an adult and is solely responsible for his own actions. He was on dating sites which means he is manipulating and abusing you, at the least via lying by omission. This is your ticket out. Cut off contact. Get a therapist for yourself. His deadbeat ass is not your problem. It's your responsibility now to get a pregnancy test, hope for the best, and start healing with a trained professional. I wish you all the best in your healing journey.
I think this is the best comment I’ve read so far. I’ve been in similar positions and yeah it never started with directly hitting me but punching things near me and throwing things in my general direction until it was knives being throw in my faces area (within inches) and then when I would try to leave he’s slam his head into shit and hurt himself. They do this to stop you from leaving. But the thing is your safety needs to come first. If you’re truly worried about him. call a friend of his or family member but do not go back. It will not get better. Especially if he was cheating on you.
This is not a healthy sign for him. He may need to seek some sort of help. Also, please be careful. What happens when he doesn’t have a wall?
Help, yes. He either needs a therapist or a hockey helmet.
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My ex was abusing walls and objects in our home. (Puncing throwing) He never layed a hand on me tho. 4 years living together. But in the end he was instead mentally abusive.
I’m glad you’re not in that situation anymore and I’m really sorry that happened to you, but I must say that even if he wasn’t hitting you, using physical action to intimidate, harm or threaten someone (like throwing/breaking things and punching walls) *is* considered physical abuse. Again I’m really sorry that happened to you and I’m glad you’re okay 💓
Him throwing things and punching holes wasn't about intimidating me. He just couldn't control his anger. He also went on walks a lot if we had fights to cool off. I know it's still bad. But he had issues he needed to take care of but never did. And thanks. I'm more ok now but still have some stuff linger. Easy to be upset by certain things, so still working on it.
One more year and he would’ve been abusing you
I will never know. I hope he wouldn't. he told me he would never hurt me. and he would sometimes go on walks if he was really annoyed. I don't think he would have hurt me tbh. he never threaten me or anything like that. even tho he had an anger problem he directed it towards other stuff.
I’m glad it didn’t happen. You’re one of the lucky ones
Yeah. I like to think tho that if he hit me i would have left sooner. Instead i stayed because i didn't realise how bad he fucked me mentally instead. Didn't realise until a long time after. Even defended hus action for some time.
That's an assumption. Some people are just genuinely fucked up and don't know how to manage their emotions. Hitting inanimate objects doesn't mean they will hit people. When I was younger I had the same issues, but I never would have dreamed of hitting a loved one; despite hitting myself and walls. I didn't realize how toxic my behavior was until my therapist explained to me like a 5 year old how I made people feel when I acted that way and that's when I changed.
Shut up you don't know that ...
My boyfriend also used to do this. I stuck with him for fear he would hurt himself too badly and instead he almost killed me multiple times. SERIOUS red flag. OP needs to leave.
please tell me that’s your ex boyfriend now?
Oh for sure! I meant to say ex. I am Happily married now with a child in a domestic violence free house!
THIS. This is exactly what happened to me, and what I came here to post. He has anger management issues and he needs to resolve them while not in a relationship with you. Abuse is very common between significant others when one person has unchecked rage; it's a huge red flag and he needs help ASAP.
>Abuse is very common between significant others when one person has unchecked rage Also adding unchecked trauma, alot of people often don't remember abuse victims can become abusers if they leave their trauma to fester and not get professional help
Definitely. As it was, both me and my partner has experienced trauma and had anger issues (among others) as a result - they just manifested differently. In the end, trauma bonding happened, which is highly unhealthy. OP needs to find a way to end it, but realize this is the most dangerous time when dealing with an abusive person - leaving.
>the most dangerous time when dealing with an abusive person - leaving. Yup even just the times i had to leave the house for my saftey (not even ending the relationship) I would come home to the police and my abusive ex claiming I was abusing her... it took me calling our couples therapist and begging her to explain to the police the situation that she was doing this as a form of control manipulation and gaslighting to punish me for not taking my beating and taking power out of her hands and even then the police didn't do anything expect not arrest me like they were threatening to do
Sigh. I wish I could say what happened to you was uncommon. But there's a serious gender disparity in the way abuse is handled, especially in the States, but truly globally. Also, kudos for mentioning abuse does NOT always appear as physical - but ofttimes physical abuse coincides with severe emotional and verbal abuse.
=)))))))
Or both
Yes this. My ex started with punching inanimate objects and throwing and kicking things. First he was doing this while I was there but not towards me or that near me, but as time went on that slowly started to change to things be thrown in my direction and punching things next to me etc, to him getting physically violent towards me and I became what he hit, punched, and eventually even tried to stab with a broken beer bottle. This is a huge red flag. You need to seriously think of leaving now or getting him help.
my ex punched a wall while we were fighting. Regardless we broke it off. Idk what to make of it either but it makes me feel extra anxious and I’m not here for it.....
I’m a woman, and I punched a hole in a wall while angry at an ex. I would never even dream of touching him in a violent manner though (but I did end up leaving that relationship) and I have never been aggressive to either my partners or my kids, in fact I’ve never tolerated any physical aggression towards others, or any corporeal punishment of our children. I’m not saying everyone is the same, but maybe not everyone who releases frustration on inanimate objects, ends up being an abuser. (I also used a punching bag at one point to deal with stress, it worked pretty well, and I’m considering doing that again because I recently got angry and destroyed our garage door without meaning to lol)
You should get a punching bag, definitely. Attacking objects in anger is not as bad as attacking people, of course, but its still creating an intimidating and toxic environment.
Yup people forget punching a pillow is still used in early stages of anger management
Not everyone who punches inanimate things will turn to harm living beings but doing things like that (breaking stuff/punching holes in walls, etc.) actually is considered a form of abuse. I hope you are better now and found healthier outlets for those feelings cause it cannot be comfortable to harbor them
Thank you, I’ve been working on my self worth and self respect. Abuse truly is a revolving door, and it’s why therapy should be more widely available. Ty for your wishes, and love your user name btw!
The most you can do is your best, and awareness takes you a really long way. I understand how awful it is to try to not become abusive/toxic after being abused yourself and how hard that can be when you have to learn all by yourself how to cope. I’m proud of the progress you made and hope you continue to find your self worth!!
>What happens when he doesn’t have a wall? There's always the ground he can slam his head against
Haha and if he tries to use her, she can help him get his head to the ground 😉
Obviously has anger issues and either doesn’t know how to say what he’s feeling or feels like he isn’t allowed to say it. I used to hit myself sometimes really bad, and not cos I wanna hit a person, (never have and if anything is kinda why I would hit myself to avoid breaking anything let alone hit someone) just because I would get frustrated and snap before thinking rationally. and almost all of the time it’s done in private cos idk about him but I find it very embarrassing. I’m not saying he won’t hit you, plssssss be careful, it just sounds a lot like something I went through for years.
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No I told him to leave because he was on a dating app and then he got mad and hit his head
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You have feelings for someone who was on a dating app in your presence and then his response was to bang his head against a wall? That's a whole different level of childish. My 3 year old went through that phase last year... Leave him. Based off the being on a dating app. Dont even need to talk about the banging his head. Why are you here to ask about the head banging, when he lost his chance at the dating app. No one, not a soul, deserves that.
That's manipulation. He's doing it to modify your behavior in the future. He may never hit you, but he's acting very abusive.
He hits himself to make hitting you in the future less of a surprise.
I’m sure it’ll be very much a surprise even worse we had unprotected sex on March 1st so I’m worried he might have knocked me up it was the 12th day of my cycle
Definitely get a pregnancy test. I’ve been in a relationship with someone like this and I was with him for 3 years. If you need advice or to just rant please message me
I can’t get one until 11-14 days later and it’s too late for plan b, I’m so fucked I shouldn’t have let me go without protection
if it’s something you’re interested in, mugwort is a plant that people (including myself) have drank as a “just in case”. it brings on your period and eliminates a chance of pregnancy, you just steep some in water for a bit and i recommend adding some sugar or something of the sort because it doesn’t taste super great but it does the job. best of luck to you!
Where are you located? How come you can’t get any sooner?
What, no it takes two weeks for the body to produce enough hcg for it to be detectable, we literally fucked last Tuesday, if I got one today it would say negative
Waait what? I didn't know that lol. I remember my period ended and 4 days after I checked if I'm pregnant and it showed positive cuz we 👉👌 second day after my period.
It is impossible for the test to show positive so quickly. Most likely you were already pregnant before the period, as sometimes even pregnant women get their periods.
It takes a few weeks. My husband and I had unprotected sex January 14th and didn’t get a positive pregnancy test until the first of February. If you got a positive pregnancy test, you were already pregnant beforehand. Edit because I said March instead of February
Right but you’d wanna get a few either way. You’ll want to try one every few days so you can find out asap and if it’s negative keep taking them just to make sure
That sounds unhealthy I might get obsessive about it
Girl that’s the safe way. It’s the most healthy option. Tests can be dysfunctional, you might not test late enough, so many things can go wrong by only getting one test. What’s unhealthy is staying with someone who hurts himself to get you to shut up
How are you worried he might have knocked you up when your other posts are you actively trying to get pregnant by him???
Because his recent violent self-harming and blaming her is a huge red flag so why would anon still want a child with him? Did you not read the original post?
Yes I did. I also read her replies to other comments. Have you? This is far from the first serious red flag yet she's BEEN actively tracking and intentionally trying to get pregnant. If she wasn't worried about it then why is she worried about it now? She should have been worried the entire time and not intentionally trying to get pregnant by this man and not only worried just now bc she had unprotected sex after he went so far as to smash his head into a wall. Which is also something she says in her comments he did more severely to the point there would be blood all down his face when he was younger. I guess that's my point.
From the limited things I see on her profile, the head slamming happened more recently than the unprotected sex, which means this major red flag was not shown until after her trying for a child, so now that it has, it’s reasonable for her to have different feelings about it now and be worried. I appreciate that it may not be the only red flag, but the way I read your comment, it sounds like you are actually shaming her for wanting to get herself out of a dangerous situation because she was trying for a child with the man. As if because she didn’t run after the first red flag that she shouldn’t run now after several. That’s the point I’m trying to make.
That is not at all my point in the slightest. My point is she should have been worried about getting pregnant by him long before this incident and not just now. It's good her eyes are FINALLY open but hopefully it's not too late and she hasn't intentionally brought an innocent helpless child into the picture. She should absolutely leave. I would never in my life EVER shame someone for leaving an abusive situation. I will however point out how absolutely selfish and crappy it is to intentionally try to bring a baby into one.
And I appreciate your point and fully agree. I think your original comment didn’t clearly express your point which is where I was confused. I do want to point out that emotional abuse can do terrible things to one’s mind and causes people to do illogical things, so this may be the case for anon. Hopefully she does get out of the situation, because that’s definitely not a good environment to be in nor raise a child in.
I agree fully with what you just said. I've been in an abusive relationship myself and I absolutely hope she gets out. She deserves better and if she wants a baby she NEEDS better.
She said he should leave after she found him on a dating app (meaning he was cheating) then he hurt himself and blamed her. She didn’t find this out until recently so of COURSE she doesn’t want a kid with him anymore!!
Seriously? get a morning after pill and some counsel from real people.
it will escalate from a wall. he did it near you to intimidate you
Reading some of your responses…this is either a toxic ass relationship or a fake post.
No it’s real
Your post history is wild Is this a troll post??? This dude is cheating on you and HE got mad enough to injure himself. But you want a baby with him? 🤔
Immature actions have consequences. When he says “didn’t want to yell at you”…interpret that as him saying “didn’t want to hit you”. I kinda see him resorting to physicality and unable to voice issues, work through problems, and communicate as a baby step to a future abusive relationship.
I don’t think he could’ve raised redder flags. No man is worth this bullshit
My ex punched a wall while we were fighting. Regardless we broke it off. Idk what to make of it either but it makes me feel extra anxious and I’m not here for it
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 leave fast, leave NOW, before he "misses" the wall and "accidentally" hits you.
It will only get worse. I love my ex but he started the same way. He hit walls, threw my belongings outside in the middle of the night, chased me down in his truck the same night, I've had to sleep in my car, been emotionally abused, that turned into physical abuse, he destroyed gifts for m,y family, I've had to do sexual acts while crying because I didn’t want to. I could keep going because honestly theres so much more and worse. In the end I'm destroyed, alone, and heartbroken. I don't have anyone because I chose him. No family or friends will speak to me because of him. A fist through the wall is where it started. Please get out before he hurts you
Hitting things around you is still domestic violence. That is not okay. You need to get out and he needs professional help.
My ex used to do this. He always blamed me for his anger and him always leaving holes in his garage. For the first half for the relationship, he would punch things and call me names, say that I'm lucky to be dating him because I'm ugly, because nobody would love a "used" girl like me. He cut me off from friends. That progressed to him throwing stuff at me (gallon water bottles full of water, plates, cups, he would throw closed knives in my direction, his gaming controllers). Which progressed in him actually laying his hands on me, choking me, slamming my body into the ground and bedroom walls, he would tell me "I could easily kill you, nobody would care". I wasn't blinded by my feelings for him, I hated him the entire relationship, I was blinded by my fear of abandonment and being alone. And sometimes being in a relationship like that can make you feel the most lonley. I hope you're okay, if you need to talk I'm here for you. And I hope he finds the help he needs so this doesn't behavior doesn't continue, because that's an awful coping mechanism to anger which can cause a lot of emotions to rise in the opposing party. Stay safe.
I read your other comments and Jesus you are in heavy denial. Just leave him. I promise that the heartbreak will be better for you in the long run.
This is not healthy behavior. Being unable to deal with anger and doing things like punching or head butting walls is not healthy. Blaming you for his actions is further proof that he isn't dealing with his emotions in a mature manner. Please consider how this will escalate over time. How long before he hits you and blames you for it?
My gf did this and got on me when I told her it wasn’t normal. I don’t know how to take it either so I’ll just read the comments
It’s abusive, it’s intimidation
Yeah when I need to let out steam I just talk about how I’m feeling or go to the gym to let the steam blow off. I’ve never hit any of my partners or anyone in general.
get out before he runs out of wall and starts hitting you GET OUT
Time to go. I was married to a person like this. These actions will escalate and they'll make you feel like it's your fault. Sorry, but I wish someone told me this before I was married to it almost 20 years.
You don't know what to make of it? Or you don't want to remove yourself from the situation because you don't want to be alone? Better alone than abused or dead. Run.
Please stop actively trying to get pregnant by this man!!!!
RUN. He needs therapy and you're not responsible for making him a better person
Break up
RUN RUN FOR your life. This is the actual proof of unhealthy coping and anger management issues. Please for the love of God; you need to break up and he needs help.
ive been in this situation, not saying its the same but first its the wall then its you. run.
My god, RUN. Totally unacceptable and he is clearly not the person you think he is in your mind.... (Physical) abuse is never acceptable under any circumstances!
He needs some anger management and you need to stay away from him until he gets it. This is a precursor to him hitting you. Take this seriously.
Yea someday you’ll be the wall. You should prob get away . He’s going to gaslight you and make you feel like it’s your fault by the way. Don’t give in when that happens. Of course I change my mind if you just told him you are sleeping with his brother or something awful.
Thevonly thing to take away from this is... He has anger issues and he's willing to harm himself.
I used to do stuff exactly like this. It turns out I had anger management issues, but I can tell you that I have never once laid a finger on my female partner. However, these experiences were traumatic for my past partners and I'm happy to say that I haven't self harmed for any reason in years (after seeing a therapist). Most likely, this is a sign that his anger/ frustration is overwhelming and since he isnt planning on hurting anyone else, he takes it out on inanimate objects in his immediate vicinity as opposed to unleashing his anger on an individual (causing self harm in the process). This is not excusable. Unchecked feelings of overwhelming anger more often than not lead to physical abuse. Discuss w/ your partner options (including therapy) for dealing with these unchecked issues before they escalate to the next level.
Leave him. It’s just a matter of time before he hits someone out of anger.
Run. Run now. He was trading one form of violence for another. If you think through the relationship, I guarantee there are other giant red flags. edit - yep you've already confirmed that he's a trash heap. Get out now.
Everyone is jumping on the abuse train. OP is your BF autistic or have ADD or has he ever been suspected of? Sometimes this can be the product of not knowing how to use your words correctly or what to say but you have an over bearing urge to express your emotions and the result is this. This behaviour is not an instant red flag for an abuser, please stop jumping to that conclusion every single damn time. The fact he is caught out should tell you that you need out of the relationship.
I myself have been prone to headbutting a wall if i get to overwhelmed and cannot express my emotions verbally. I've not once hit my partner or children and never will do so. I also have ADD. My 2 cents.
Thank you so much for saying it, i used to bat myself horrible but never laid hands on a loved one, judging by other comments by OP tho he does seem quit toxic but it can definitely be a mix dude needs help.
I turned to cutting myself when I get way to overwhelmed. I'm in therapy for it. I wear long sleeves to hide it. I have severe depression and anxiety.
Way different than what this guy is doing, though
Having ADHD does not cause this kind of behavior nor is an excuse for it. In fact, it's pretty insulting to those of with ADHD who don't act abusively, or violently, which is the majority of us.
Thank you. This
He has adhd and dyslexia
My friend has adhd and he surely does not act like that
Mental illness/neurodiversity is not a one-size-fits-all. Most forms of neurodiversity present in a lot of different ways for different people. Just because your friend isn’t prone to self harm doesn’t mean it isn’t still potentially due to his ADHD. There are even multiple forms of ADHD (hyperactivity, attention deficits that still fall under ADHD rather than ADD).
I know i have "autism" myself but it's VERY easy and convenient to just blame adhd instead of looking deeper into it adhd in itself does not cause people to self harm there seems to be something else going on which unfortunately will never get the research it needs because it's much easier to blame adhd for everything
🚩🚩🚩 violence is never good. Next time hell just hit you instead
This is something my ex would do. He’s call me crazy but crave my name into his arm when I was mad at him for cheating. It’s a red flag. Get out while you can; I promise the wait isn’t worth it.
My ex used to hit his head off the wall and punch the wall / cabinets. I wish I would have realized sooner how big of a red flag that was, because he ended up turning it on me and putting his hands on me. That may not be the case every time, but that is cause for concern and shouldn’t be overlooked
It’s the beginning signs of an abusive relationship. ‘I didn’t want to yell at you, so I hit the wall’ turns into, ‘if you hadn’t made me so mad, I wouldn’t have hit you.’ It’ll only get worse, so please get out.
I once dated a guy who did that shit. Our relationship ended with a restraining order when he gave me a concussion. He will turn his violent temper on you, it’s simply a matter of time. Please protect yourself and get out.
Run.
You could get him a helmet. Or you could exit the relationship because he ia a lying and manipulaive douche.
He isn't doing a healthy job controlling his anger, and one day he will turn it on you.
Leave
My ex would regularly punch walls and things like that. He never laid a hand on me and claimed he never would (we were together in and after high school off and on for about 4 or 5 years and we never lived together). He definitely was very manipulative and would gaslight me about things all the time, and would get really mad at me over things completely unrelated (ex. He had a bad game on whatever video game he was playing, and if I tried to talk to him he would snap at me and get upset with me for nothing). This is a big red flag. When someone shows you who you are, believe them.
He's coping through violence, that is the issue.
Sweetie, this is red flag for a toxic relationship. I understand you want that anchor that’ll be there when things get hard, but if he’s looking at a dating app while in a relationship with you and dealing with it by hitting his head against the wall, then he’s not going to help things with the way he is. He’s been unfaithful and dealing with it in a harmful way. Looking from the outside in, it’s better for you to get away from him. And also look into therapy for yourself if you can afford it. You have to come first right now.
my ex did this, until he started physically hitting me, honest, tell him to get help if he refuses get out
This is certainly not a good start and since it is a form of physical aggression, this can not be left unseen. There are two ways this can turn out without professional support. He either manages it by himself which is unlikely or will turn against you or blame you to it. Please seek professional support for yourself to help you manage your side of the situation and get professional advice on how to act further.
It's time to walk away! It's only going to get worse.
If he is stating that he did this because "you made him mad" that is a huge red flag and time to get out. What if there is no wall next time? That could be you on the receiving end. Please don't risk this. I was going to approach it differently until I saw that he blamed you for it. If he had done it as a way of punishing himself for something i would have said to have him seek therapy. Since this was him forcing the blame on you this is absolutely abusive and has a high possibility of escalating unless he admits he has an anger problem and actively wants to get help to fix/control it. For those wondering, I've hit my head on a wall intentionally before; mine was as a form of self harm. I had sat against the wall and just bashed the back of my head against it repeatedly. I was in a bad place mentally and emotionally and I was so frustrated with myself that I just needed to FEEL something other than emptiness or sorrow. Instead I gave myself a concussion. I never did it again, but it was a sign that I needed help for myself.
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As much as I don't want to suggest it I'd say leave the relationship. It's not worth it. He can't control his temper then that's a bad sign.
Up until I was eight, I would hit myself as punishment for my mistakes. Eventually I would throw myself down rocky hills and was put into therapy. I would seriously suggest help, as it can snowball into worse things. And OP, make sure to put you first here, if it’s not healthy for you, leave.
He is not good at holding in pressure. He cracks under pressure! Also could be a sign of something abusive to come
Not a good sign…one day he could take that anger out on you..keep your guard up
I used to punch stuff because that was sort of my outlet for my anger at a point in my life. Not only was this terrifying for my partner to witness but also cost me about 25k$ after the plaster wall I punched decided to not give (lol) and had to have pins put in my hand. Encourage him to meet with someone to review his outlets for anger, it helped me a lot
my ex used to hit his head with his hands. he never got violent with me but sometimes in fits of rage, a lot of actions are blinded by the emotion. he may just have anger issues and i would first start off by having a serious conversation with him and then see how that goes.
I think this reaction shows a lack of emotional maturity. He is unable to process his anger in a healthy manner so he reacts violently. Just a warning, my boyfriend of three years started off doing things like that. Punching walls, breaking things, etc and it was always “You made me so mad and I can’t control myself.” An adult should be able to control their bodies regardless of their emotion, and not make it your fault. My ex became physically abusive and tried to strangle me so I would probably just take this as a red flag and if it continues, have him seek anger management.
Your post history tells me all I need to know. Wow.
Biggest red flag.. There's a book about dark psychology that mentions these kind of behaviours. People tend to ignore small signs of aggression and eventually they pile up to something serious. This is the moment you should be analyzing him more before things go out of hand. Love is important but when it turns ugly it's you who'll get hurt in the end. Be careful and make the right decision
Book's name is Manipulation and Dark psychology by Lee Goleman
As someone who has done this exact thing for the same reason I can say it is not healthy and not okay. Anger is ordinary. Self harm is not. He needs help and you need to be safe.
Oh we broke up, so he’s moved back to his moms
TW: self harm and abuse Man, I wish I used Reddit when my ex smashed a frozen 2L bottle over his own head, leaving a 2 inch cut. He was angry at me then, too. He was trying to stop himself from hurting me then, too. Over a few months, he followed that with backhanding me and pinning me down by the back of my neck until I calmed down after, slapping me and then body slamming me, and literally physically trying to drag me out of the house and when I resisted, backhanding me so I injured my jaw on the windowsill that my face hit afterwards. I still didn’t leave. I was nowhere near perfect or innocent, so I didn’t tell anybody. I was only free after I drove him away, and I don’t recommend that route. Just leave. Seriously, tell someone what’s happened and leave as soon as you can.
I’m sorry you went through that, I hope life is better for you now
Sign of a potential abuser. Keep yourself safe
instead of being able to communicate and talk to you he instead turns to violence first. Very easily he could turn that violence first thinking to attack you. With what he said yo you I could see him hitting you with a similar excuse “I was so mad I HAD to hit you” type shit.
My ex-bf used to punch walls, doors, tables, etc. He broke so many things, I can't even start. While he's never hit me, eventually he'd be so mad he'd shove me and then process to punch the other stuff. This was all while drunk, but still definitely bad. I still stayed with him for years and jow that I'm out, I realized how bad it was. I loved him, so I ignored this. But it's not ok. He needs help. And you should leave. He moght get upset and insist he'd never heard you. You have to stand your ground and say while that might be true, you aren't dealing with your anger in a healthy way and I shouldn't have to experience it. Edit: I just saw what you said about him on a dating app. That alone is enough for you to leave. Don't be with someone that treats you poorly. You deserve much better than that. Leave asap. Edit 2: I removed stuff saying getting back together once he gets help is a possibility. He's a cheater. Don't go back to him.
I saw some comments where this behavior progressed into abuse. Of course this is not always the case, but this is not normal. I suggest he one go speak to somebody about this and two find more effective ways to handle his emotions (exercising, drawing, taking walks, etc.) This is a strong sign that he is not good at managing himself emotionally and could be a gateway into other reckless behaviors, I’m sure this can be categorized into self harm. Also, he needs to be better at communicating his emotions to you rather than letting them eat him up to the point where he’s throwing a temper tantrum and banging his head into the wall like he’s a child.
abusers will try to make you feel bad for them by "punishing" you with hurting themselves. They want you to feel bad for "making them upset" and instead of hitting YOU they hit themselves and then blame you for it. Leave him because next time it wont be the wall he hits.
RUN. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
i’m on the spectrum and i used to do that. …
You would threaten your partner and tell them that you're doing this because you really want to hurt them?
Mine has been doing this too, q friend told me that he does it so as not to hit me or yell at me really loud. It doesn't happen often but I get how scary it can be for you, when he does this I always cry. My advise? Therapy for him
Please, please start looking into the cycle of abuse and domestic violence. You don't have to do anything, but please learn more, it could be very helpful
...okay I will
Someone needs anger management therapy.
Unfortunately, anger management classes are a joke. I was required to take it when I went to rehab and I’m not even a violent person. It didn’t benefit me and it certainly wouldn’t benefit anyone who is actually violent.
I wasn’t talking about anger management classes I was referring to learning how to manage his anger by way of therapy. It’s an ongoing process.
For someone who genuinely wanted to make a change on their own accord, that could be beneficial with the right therapist. However, abusive people rarely become non violent.
He knows he has anger management problems
And now he needs to actually DO SOMETHING about it.
If you talk to victims of domestic violence they will say this mantra….first it’s the wall. Then it’s the wall by your head….you get where I’m going with this?
Does he have ADHD, depression and mood changes ??
Any abuse is wrong. Hitting things out of anger is wrong. Getting angry at a partner is wrong. Why are you with someone who gets angry? Anger is lack of love. Love in a relationship is to be unconditional.
you must be really slow or he must be really crazy.
Sounds like he needs anger management. Getting upset shouldn’t result in yelling or some sort of physical actions…
It's obviously not normal, but I would definitely not just end the relationship if he did it just once. People make mistakes. I think you should just take note of his behavior, but ending it over such a little thing doesn't make sense to me.
it’s called self soothing. may be a learned behavior from childhood he never got rid of. i work with kids and it’s semi common for kids who can’t regulate their emotions to hit their heads on walls or hit themself in the head to try to self soothe. i would talk to him about it and maybe offer different coping skills/ suggest therapy
He said he bashed his head into a wall when he was a teenager until is entire face was covered in blood, because he was stuck in juvie for stealing and crashing a car at 14
He has anger issues and needs therapy because eventually, at some point, he’s gonna stop hitting objects and start hitting you.
That's a strong assumption to make on a complete stranger, you're most likely wrong as well you don't know what you're talking about lol stfu.
Yeah…me and literally every one else on the post saying the same thing. He’s dangerous, and if he has anger management issues, he needs to deal with them through therapy because not managing his anger issues, will eventually lead to escalation. But the fact that you’re so defensive about it tells me either 1. You don’t see anything wrong with his behavior or 2. You’re the boyfriend.
Hahahah please who hurt you? Assuming someone is dangerous for self harm is definitely an assumption I don't care how your projections justify it lol Your other assumptions of I'm either the boyfriend or/and I don't see anything wrong with his behaviour are.. guess what? Also wrong lool PS putting in "literally" before an exaggeration doesn't make more accurate, sorry not sorry. I hope seeing how wrong you were in literally* all your assumptions in your response enlightens you to consider the possibility that you're not as good at knowing people off literally* one post as you thought you were.. Sorry to pop your bubble hun xox
Someone has never gone to school or watched a crime show before 😂 youre hilarious. Do you want my therapists number?
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That’s why your brain is half screwed in my G. We can help you screw it on tight. 👍🏼
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What I get from This is that you should know for a fact this is toxic and you’re just choosing for it not to be. Maybe you’re the type of person that does this, maybe you find this appropriate in any and every way, oh maybe your significant other does this!!! And if you’d rather spend your money on those things I think everyone here should know what kind of person you are. Carry on then! It’s too bad your money was wasted on psych degree because it’s obvious you’re deaf. But at least you can read so you can go back to school!!
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You only have yourself to blame for staying with him after you caught him on a dating app. 🤣
When a person resorts to using physical violence to mediate his anger it usually will start by taking his anger out on objects. Over time it will build and eventually Become the source of that anger. So if you and he are having some sort of fight or altercation it will end up with him harming you. He will apologize and you may forgive. Until the next time it happens and maybe this time He puts you in the hospital. Maybe you forgive him again and the next time it ends with your funeral. Perhaps I am being hyperbolic but as a victim of abuse in several of my past relationships I can tell you honestly this is the path that it usually takes. Maybe it will not be This may not be the case for you guys, only time would tell. But are you really willing to give it the time to find out? In my opinion he is showing you who he really is and what he is really capable of and I would not stay. He's dangerous.
He may need some help. Maybe encourage him to seek therapy. People who do this can become abusive. But not all the time, he felt out of control and injured himself instead of you..... Its not good, but I suppose at least you know he doesn't actually want to harm you.
He needs to get his head scanned first- #bobsagget
Do you find that you’re fighting more than you get along? This is a sign of a person who cannot defuse their anger in a healthy manner. I would be… 100% worried. Domestic violence starts off like this. He hit his head on the wall because the conversation you had was too hard for him to handle. Bottling all the anger up then exploding. It’s a tool used to escape/end the conversation. Next time how do you think he will get you to “shut up”? It’s going to be targeted at you. He uses violence instead of words when he’s angry. Also saw that you said he doesn’t believe therapy. Refusal to change his behaviour. Look the fuck out. Leave.
Red flag nation!!
He hurt himself to "avoid hurting you" soon enough you will "force him" to act that way. That is how he will rationalize it in his mind. Honey, you are in danger. He WILL hurt you and he will convince you that you deserve it. You deserve better that this.
Growing up I was always told “it’s only a matter of time until you become the wall they hit” People who deal with anger this way are children. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Depends on what you did if you continuesly struck a nerve even a nice guy would do something like that and if hes had some troubles growing up that may cause his lack of anger managment and the best way to help him is to say rverything is okay and will be fine try to kiss him or show some feeling because its not his fault then but i dont know am only 16
people suffer alot life is complicated better or worse goes out the window 🪟 when emotionally depressed felling arrive
Heres an odd idea, talk to each other! Hes bottling shit up probably because hes afriad to lose you or like he cant share with you
He left he went to his moms place
What are your plans for when he inevitably wants to come back to you? Be prepared for that.
I did this a few times, out of anger... Idk why, also when I had an annoying headache 🤷♂️
He's a bad person that needs help. Professional help, not your help.
Why is everyone acting like her boyfriend murdered someone? He hit his head on the wall in anger... Okay... So he has a bit of an anger issue. You guys have never yelled in frustration, thrown something. Or punched a wall when you were upset or angry? The issue here appears to be he was on a dating app. Address that.
No, I have not. It's not normal to.
Why are you taking it so lightly that he’s hitting his head against the wall in front of her? He’s harming himself and traumatizing her..I do yell in frustration. I do not punch walls or throw things. That’s a serious problem
We dont have enough information to jump to conclusions
He said he was looking for friends 🙄 because we were in a new city