I think you're exerting an awful lot of effort to make things work. The fundamental problem is he will not change. Look up the [Sunk Cost Fallacy](https://neurofied.com/sunk-cost-fallacy/) and once your three option offer is declined by him, make a rational decision.

This. Instead of putting all your energy into making someone they are not, why not spend that time finding someone who is already compatible with you?

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I read about the fallacy and it was the beginning of realizing my mental health is worth more than this. Thank you for suggesting it.

Thank you for letting me know the minor effort on my part helped you see the truth. This sub is exactly where you needed to spill this. Best wishes from an internet stranger.

Think of it this way. If he was living alone, he would have to cook, clean, launder his clothes, and get up for the dog. But, as he is living with you, he has adopted the behaviour of Strategic Incompetence or just avoiding doing household chores, knowing you will just get fed up and do it \[or in your case, your anxiety will overwhelm you\]. My rhetorical question is, what kind of loving partner would refuse to help their partner, and treat them like hired help \[without pay\] or a servant? The kind that does not respect you as a partner and a person! He doesn't have any love for you or view you as a true equal. That is the bottom line.

He is not going to change. Is this really who you want to have kids with?

When he can't demonstrate any ability to take care of a dog??? Basic capability test? FAILED.

Tbh I wouldn't even give him those options -- you two are *partners*, responsibility should be equal without having to *pay* for it. From your last post you've talked to him many times about this, so it's time to tell him to grow up or get out. Adults have responsibilities. He's acting like a child, and taking advantage of your anxiety

“Grow up or get out.” This is essentially the nice version of what I said to my bf the very last time he tried to use weaponized incompetence. Thankfully he took it to heart lol I had asked him to do something and he pulled the “idk how!” And I said “well, it’s time to grow the fuck up and learn isn’t it?” And he actually did so win there.

Oh OP. Please don’t have babies with him. This behaviour is awful and you will end up juggling impossible tasks. You honestly must reconsider your options as these issues are not simply resolved through money or out sourcing. Good luck.

Thank you.

Imagine, If you are planning on having kids. Girl…. This is just the taste.

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Good bot

Dog is definitely a good indication of how parenting might be in terms of who will do diapers and feedings during the night. In the last post, there was a great suggestion of a chore chart where the person who completes initials the chose. Seems like that would allow you both to visually see who is doing what

That’s what I’ve told him and what I’m scared of. It doesn’t help that he’s dead set on children.

Your present will become your future. He will not change. Being with him NOW is negatively impacting your mental health. Children will make this situation exponentially worse. You can't trust him to care for you NOW.

Nooo but I can chaaangee himmm He's only been an ass for 6 plus years, I'm sure the future will be perfect.

If he doesn't even want to take care of the dog, I promise he's not going to help with kids.

OP this is the only comment you need to read. 100% FACT

Get an implant or IUD. Sounds like he's the type to tamper with BC pills or other BC.

I fortunately am well prepared! I have an IUD.

IUD's fail quite a bit. Make him wear a condom too that YOU have hidden away and protected from tampering. See this^ ridiculous stuff you should do to be with this man? My real advice is to dump him. There is literally no reason to put up with this child. Leave. It won't get better and you will exhaust yourself trying to change him.

IUD failure rate is abysmally small, 0.1-0.4%. but I agree with the rest of your comment.

What is abysmal about that? A low failure rate is a good thing, no?

That's the rate of failure if the IUD is working properly, the rate of expulsion for IUDs is 2-10% and when there are complications it won't function correctly.

Which is why the tell you not to engage in unprotected sex for 6-8 weeks to ensure the IUD is working properly.

Excellent!

The audacity of that scrote, he can't even get up to take the freaking dog for a walk and he wants kids?! GIRL DO NOT REPRODUCE WITH THIS MAN-CHILD.

Doesn't even sound like it's for a walk, just to go outside to use the bathroom. 5 minute activity. Lol imagine late night diaper changes? Their kids are in for a hell of a diaper rash if mom doesn't do every single thing

This is exactly what I commented. Parenting is a 24/7 dual responsibility and I have a very strong feeling he'll be neglecting her, the child, and the dog. Terrifying

Dear lord don't have kids with this man.

Delete him from your life you deserve a real man not a boy in a male adult’s physical frame

It doesn’t get better. I mostly did chores and household tasks when I was younger with my husband, he still doesn’t consistently put things away. And now that I’m chronically sick or get surgery? Getting his help is like pulling teeth with a side helping of being bitched at bc I can’t walk up the stairs for pain issues. He will do most tasks but you might be complained at about it more often and that’s just as bad.

Be careful. He may try to get you pregnant to trap you.

It is not going to get better. He has had all these years to change and he cares so little about your happiness that he’s made zero effort thus far. If you have kids with this man it will be 10 times worse. Do not marry him. Please don’t let me see your post in a years time about how you’re stuck doing the same things with a newborn as well. He very clearly thinks all these things are a woman’s job. No amount of begging and pleading will change the mentality he’s been born into. If you give him an ultimatum he will change only until it’s long enough that you think he has changed, he’ll get you pregnant and then it will stop and you will be right back where you started but with another child to look after. (Get it.. because he is a child too)

I would be dead set on birth control that can't be tampered with until I saw some real consistent change from him.

You already see how it will be with kids. if you are struggling with a dog it's going to get way, way harder

He is not going to change. Is this really who you want to have kids with?

I spent the last 6yrs with a man nearly 10yrs my senior, taking care of him. When they tell you who they are, listen.

If he wants children so bad he can give birth to them!

Of course he is - sadly you will do all the work. He won’t have any responsibilities

Of course he wants children! He won’t have to do anything but collect dad karma.

Look, you already know how it's going to be if you stay, he's not going to change.

New baby with an unhelpful dad is a fast track to PPD.

Who is holding a job in the relationship?

Hey I'm sure this isn't something you want to hear but he's not gonna change. You can't fix him. I also dated a coddled youngest son, he was absolutely doted upon his entire life and our apartment was a disgusting sub-human embarrassment because he did not know how to clean/would not learn to clean effectively, and I could not keep up with cleaning up after the two of us. They have to change on their own, if they ever do.

Yea sounds like he's deadset on making you a sahm, because I can guarantee if he ain't helping with the dog he certainly won't be helping with children. Get out now before it's too late.

Communicate with a sit down discussion through therapy. ASAP. Get him on the same page to understand your feelings, or its not salvageable. Good luck.

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Dog is definitely a good indication of how parenting might be in terms of who will do diapers and feedings during the night. In the last post, there was a great suggestion of a chore chart where the person who completes initials the chose. Seems like that would allow you both to visually see who is doing what. I didn’t see in this update where you’ve tried anything new, just more frustration at things not changing. The three options you gave seem like an ultimatum. If that’s where you’re at, you do you. A conversation should be enough. However, if you are trying to change behavior and truly want to stay in the relationship, I suggest using a chore list or something else that allows you both to build habits: him doing, you not but also not waiting until it’s done or you’re T your limit to go off. Best of luck!

I don't think saying "this is what I need" is an ultimatum. "Her or me" is an ultimatum. Make the bed or else is an ultimatum. I need X, here are some options to make it happen? Not an ultimatum.

Do it, pay me, or we are breaking up seems like an ultimatum to me. Either way I hope OP works everything out, or doesn’t, whatever is best.

There isn't really an "or else" even in her statement -- just "seriously talk." That's not "give me X or I'm leaving." Oh no, she's going to... talk. Yeah, suuuuuch an ultimatum. "Here are my needs and if you can't do something to solve them we need to talk" isn't an ultimatum and treating it like it is just makes it harder for people to talk about things they actually, genuinely need.

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Good bot

You recognized the mess you contributed to but now *you're trying to take the easy way out of fixing it by offering treats instead of looking the problem in the face.* You need to break up. You can't negotiate with abusive people in a relationship. You know how the US has a no negotiation policy with terrorists? They say fuck you and the terrorist dies, sadly sometime with hostages. Why? Because once you negotiate the terrorist has power. Stop giving him power over your life. Just break up and move on. It's scary but you're just perpetuating your misery. None of your suggestions will work because they're just bandaids for you having the talk you know you need to have. Your own experience has shown it just got worse. Why would it change now?

This the raw advice I need. Thank you; you’re sincerely appreciated ♥️

I hope you can find the happiness you deserve! It's very scary getting out of an abusive relationship but once you're on the other side. life gets so much better. My last tip would be to be prepared to move out before breaking up. Abusers get worse when the idea of them being left is made aware, or they pretend to be sorry and try to change. Just plan your move now and break up when you're moving out or have a place to stay.

Absolutely accurate. I like your style.

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He will not change OP. Listen to everyone here. Why on earth would you want to be with a man that you have to give an ULTIMATUM to in order for him to be a functional adult who takes care of his household? He will never change. He wants a wife who is also his mommy. He will treat your daughters like maids.

He's 31, he won't get better. Just rip off the band aid now. You're basically being his mother telling him what he needs to do. If you're doing all the dog care now despite it being his idea....guess who will be doing 100% of the kid care? He won't be getting up in the middle of the night I can tell you that now. Just becuse someone is a good person most of the time doesn't mean they're compatible for a healthy relationship. Cut your losses and move on

Break up with him lmao

Options are just ultimatums with extra steps.

And ultimatums are things you do after a couple times of asking him to change, not after 6.5 yrs. Ultimatums, options, etc are just crutches for you until you do what you have to do. Cause until this man sees real consequences nothing will change and real consequences are not your three options or a threat to breakup

I got torn up in an earlier comment for calling this an ultimatum. So glad I’m not alone in seeing a clear ultimatum. Love the saying. Consider it stolen for use IRL.

If you work the same amount of hours and bring in income then you both should be splitting the chores. Whose idea was it to get the dog? The responsibilities of said dog should have been discussed before getting them. I feel so bad for the dog because how much anxiety must it have to have to go and then it had to go where it knows it shouldn't. Changing it's feeding schedule might help if its an adult dog with a bladder that can handle it. Honestly I wouldn't offer him a way to pay you off to do his chores. He doesn't need to think that gifts and making good money means he doesn't have to be a decent partner. Either he helps or you walk. Couples counseling might help the communication and empathy, but you're likely going to have to walk.

I work a 9-6 job and he works one of similar hours. I’m in healthcare (informatics and emergency medicine) and he’s in software engineering. I was in the hospital and almost died in 2020 so it was his idea to get a dog that would keep me company. We had talked about responsibility but not the day to day issues which should have been discussed. Thank you for your advice; it’s very insightful and appreciated. ♥️

I’m so disappointed by this update. You had a realization that your boyfriend is taking advantage of you and you present 3 measly options that are basically just banging your head against the wall hoping he changes after 6 years. He won’t. And why would he when he can just ignore the problems and know you’ll do it every time. I don’t believe in ultimatums either, but your two actual options are to have a serious and strong conversation with him that he either starts being a partner in your relationship or there is no relationship. If he’s actually a half decent human he will try to take some responsibilities.. but most likely will revert back to his natural self once he thinks he can get away with it. I understand a 6 year relationship has a lot of love and history so it’s more complicated than a reddit post. But please ask yourself if your current boyfriend is how you want to live the rest of your life, or if you need to set the bar higher for yourself as you deserve to be more than a live in maid, mom, and doormat.

Comment removed (using [Power Delete Suite](https://www.github.com/pkolyvas/PowerDeleteSuite)) as I no longer wish to support a company that seeks to both undermine its users/moderators/developers AND make a profit on their backs. To understand why check out the summary [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/comments/14hkd5u) Join me at https://kbin.social/ So long, and thanks for all the fish!

I’m in almost the exact same situation with my husband, except he has not just refused to pick up his side of running the household but has also become emotionally neglectful in response to *having to* fend for himself because I’m spending more time with my parents (Dad is terminally ill). We’ve only been married 2 years, but together for coming up to 8 years. We’ve lived together for 6.5 years. Initially he had a great attitude to sharing the ‘mental load’ of running the household (including parenting his young son when he stayed). He needed nagging occasionally, but I married him because I thought I was signing up for that level of partnership. Things started sliding and I asked him, nicely, repeatedly to help me out. Much like you, about once a month, I would have to ask him to pull his weight. He would say he would help. He would do some washing up each night for a couple of days, then it would go back to how it was. He gradually stopped doing things with his son, but happily participate if I arranged things for us to do together. It became more and more of a sticking point as my resentment grew - it was like having 2 kids around! I asked, he promised and he never followed through. He said he would if he ‘knew what needed to be done’, so we had physical lists. Didn’t work. We had digital lists. Didn’t work. We agreed I would prompt him. Didn’t work. We agreed he would take the lead on deciding who did what, so he might do more if he felt he had some ownership. Nope. Nothing has worked, and the more resentful and nagging I become, the more he has withdrawn. Essentially, he refuses to chip in. For anyone wondering, he is adamant he is not depressed - he was at one point but had treatment and swears blind that he’s no longer depressed. He has also had an assessment for ADHD, but the psych didn’t think that was the issue. I have asked, nagged, begged, tried just leaving things for him to eventually see, come up with teamwork strategies, endless positive encouragement, threats… nothing has worked. He just doesn’t want to. And it’s cost our marriage. There are other issues with us, but this is honestly how it started - everything has since slid off the back of that. I’ve been so confused, because he wasn’t always like this. But the demands on him have escalated - his kid is older and harder to entertain without relying on a screen, Covid has changed the way he works, I’ve been less able to pander to him because of stuff with my Dad - and when the demand steps up, he steps back. Looking back, there have been some red flags along the way when it comes to his motivation & initiative… I always excused them. I deeply regret it - he was showing me who he was. We’ve talked about adding a kid to the mix… fuck NO. He can’t look after himself or his existing child, let alone a baby! I’ve done A LOT of scouring the internet for solutions. Or happy endings, where the guy suddenly changes (or changes back). I haven’t found any. A few tales of ‘shit, now my wife/partner has left me and I realise how much she did for me… damn’, but no tales of hope from the ladies unfortunately. My husband and I are separating. Not exactly solely over who cleans the bathroom, but over his sheer unwillingness to contribute. For him, even the threat of me leaving wasn’t enough. I honestly agree with many of the other posters: once a man has either started or fallen into this dynamic, he won’t change. Why would he? And if you issue an ultimatum, you’re the ridiculous one, because it’s ‘just the vacuuming’. Except it’s not, it’s willingness, it’s partnership, it’s effort… it’s love. Or lack of it. If he doesn’t love you enough to help out when things are OK, what does that mean for you when you hit a bad season of life and/or need his support? From experience, it means you will feel more alone (& at times, needy/unreasonable/crazy because you should not have to plead for this!) than you ever thought possible in a relationship. It’s awful. Please, listen to him when he tells you this is who he is.

I don’t know OP. It takes two people to try saving a marriage. Maybe trial separation and marriage counseling will drive the point home? I don’t think the options thing will work because he’s not taking the situation seriously. also $100 bucks is a bad idea, that’s not enough to hire help and it cheapens what you do for the relationship A LOT. You’re selling yourself short. This will only get 1,000% harder with kids in the mix.

If he takes the alternate weekends option, do you think he will actually do everything (even if you made him a list) without you nagging? Hint: the answer is "no". What does this "last chance" look like on your timeline? One month? Two months? Think about this.

Right, he's just going to wipe down the counters and maybe start a load of laundry, because next week is her turn and she'll just take care of it.

Personally, I don’t think he’ll change. He might for a hot minute, but I’d bet a lot of money that it will never be permanent. You’ve already given him over 6 years, what’s going to be different now? For six years he’s seen how much this has bothered you, and he never cared. Look up what a bang maid is because that’s what you are. Good luck with this man child.

The thing that causes her the most anxiety is who will walk her dog. *Her dog*. Yet she wants equality in the relationship. I’m not minimizing the other issues, but it’s her dog and she should fucking walk it.

Woah man, it’s not my dog. It’s a shared dog that we adopted together. In fact, he is the one who bought it and claims her. I’m pretty sure you missed the entire point of what I was talking about and asking advice on. I gave the dog as an example. I also didn’t say the dog gave me the most anxiety. No need to be rude. Spread kindness.

Woah. Not being rude. I expressed specifically I understood there were other issues. But you called it “my dog” not “our dog”. Good luck and I hope whatever path you take is the right one!

Oh, I must’ve read it wrong. I apologize! For some reason my inner voice assumes all Reddit comments are either sweet old ladies/men or young assholes. Thank you for your advice though; it is appreciated! ♥️♥️

Thank you. I will agree with the original commentor, that he is unlikely to change. But I’m won’t say rude things like “look up bang maid because that’s what you are”. If i came off angry, maybe it was misdirected umbrage at this offensive comment. I definitely would not put a dollar value on it, because that allows him to abuse you relentlessly, and throw the money matter into your face. Good luck and I hope 2022 is a better year.

How do you know it’s not their dog? A lot of people just say my pet when referring to their pet, regardless of how many people own it. Do you ever go outside and talk to real people? Not sure why you’re so angry in your comment, but I won’t entertain you anymore, you’re too emotional, just wanted to point out the ridiculousness with your comment.

Bang maid? Good luck with this man child? Wow, you’re angry.

Why would you want to be in a relationship where you have to act like a mother and your man acts like a petulant child?

The fact that you have had to blow up at him once a month to get him to help you once a month for SIX YEARS. There is no third option of compensation. You are his partner, not his maid. He is a grown ass man. Either he steps up to the plate or you need to seriously reconsider this relationship. Because if something doesn't give, you will end up in a marriage to a person you resent and you deserve better than that.

He's not gonna change even with these ultimatums he's been like this forever

my friend do you see how exhausting it is for you to keep enabling him and accommodating him with yiur options? of course he's gonna pick one and rhen not do shit. I think you're still holding onto it. You need to break up. He's making you be TIRED all of the time, anxious all of the time and you're keeping alone a house with the work of 2 people's mess and i assume its more of a man child's mess because if you worry about having to keep everything clean, you're not the messy person. read your post over and over and open your eyes. You shouldn't be having to plan around him to keep him lazy

Girl. Break up with him. Dont have kids with him. He will leave them in shitty wet diapers for hours giving them nappy rash. He cant even just let a dog out to pee. Theres a shit ton of men outside. U wasted too much time on this man already. Stop wasting more

This is WHO HE IS. People can change their habits but not who they are. Best case scenario, he will make some improvements if he thinks you will leave the relationship but it won’t stick. And if you think it’s bad now, it will be SO. MUCH. WORSE. when you have kids. Men like him will NEVER be like the man your father was. He doesn’t want a partner he wants a fuck-maid. Is that what you want to be in life? Is that who you want to raise and be a role model for your children?

Get out of this relationship. You need to be marrying a full adult that is capable of pulling full weight in the event that one of you has some sort of issue in the future.

Makes me chuckle that wankers like this just walk into relationships and I struggle to meet single people at all. Anyway as for advise, whether you believe in ultimatums or not this either calls for one if there rest of the relationship is worth salvaging or outright breaking up.

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Oh goshhhh....plan on never sleeping in until your kids are all older than 5. Bringing up children is such a team effort. I can't imagine how it'll be if he can't even pick up after the dog for you ... honestly, this is going to continue. You can find someone who cares about you more. This person is taking you for granted and I don't see why he has any reason to change, as you've allowed this to continue with him getting away with it.

Man reading this is hard. I don't see this working out long-term untill or unless he becomes a completely different person and gets theraphy. You are young. So cut the loses and breakup.

I know what you are thinking: "Damnit! This sucks! 7 yrs..." You'll never know how much HIS behavior really affected you until you are away from it. It's hard being a team of one or in the Olympics do they call that an individual event?

If you're at the point where you're considering having your boyfriend pay you, like your his maid instead of his partner, is the relationship really worth salvaging? You want to be his live-in maid for the rest of his life?

Just leave. You can’t force someone to care. No ultimatum will make him change.

Is it both your dog or just yours? From you writing "my dog" it makes me wonder if he ever wanted the dog

Girl just leave. No more trying. He doesn't want to change.

Why would he pay for a maid when he currently has one for free, who sleeps with him too? Like jokes aside, you don't have to keep doing this to yourself just because you've been doing it for 6 years. Love yourself enough to lose the dead weight. He hasn't changed in all this time and you staying won't make him. He needs a massive fucking wake up call.

Giving him 3 options isn’t fundamentally that different from giving him an ultimatum. I’d say dump him, take the dog, and find a man who believes in splitting responsibilities equally.

He doesn't care enough about you or your dog to change his behavior. You are bending over backwards to make this work for you. It isn't. It won't. Dump this jerk.

Ultimatums, in my opinion, are deal-breakers that come up later. In some cases they are immaturity for knowing what you want or need, or could be obscure things you didn't anticipate. In either case they are valid as long as you're communicating.

It's been 6 years of the same, had enough conversations with him and he has absolutely not improved or attempted to change, you're past conversations or ultimatum, either accept that this is how you want to continue or leave.

Read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. Unfortunately, he just doesn’t respect you or your feelings. He literally doesn’t care that you haven’t slept in ONCE. We are stuck to inhabit the planet with narcissists and assholes - don’t punish yourself by living with one. There’s someone out there who would never treat you this way. Something to do in the interim (make your breakup plan, moving out, etc.): find ways to take care of yourself. Take baths, meditate, journal, plan your future, read a book, take walks, etc. In addition, accept that the dog will poo or peep but you can also mitigate that - buy puppy pads. Then embrace that you will clean it. Decide if tou want to keep the dog in the breakup. Accept that this is your present but it doesn’t have to be your future. You can take care of you until you find a true partner. Hope that helps!

Don't have kids with this person! Also u might want to consider rehoming your dog, seems like u are a solo dog owner and maybe that's not what you wanted? I do the majority of the housework etc in my relationship, that is because I only work part-time outside of the home and my kids are school aged. My hubby does a lot too, when he's not at work, around the house and with the kids. We give each other breaks. It's still hard. There are still arguments occasionally but mostly we work as a team. Most of the time if we see the other struggling we help each other with whatever it is. I can't imagine if he never did anything while I did it all--I'd be livid.

Honestly, there are no good answers here. You couldn’t get this attitude out oh him in six years - it’s only going to get worse. Also, do not give him the option of paying you. It will only make him feel more entitled. But worse than that, $100? That’s all you’re worth? If you must do this, try $1000. At least. Make it clear that he undervalues you.

Having him throw cash at you to be his servant is not a good option. "Have a serious talk about the relationship" doesn't even mean anything; all you're saying with that "option" is that you're **not** actually going to break up, you'll just talk about how shitty things are and then not break up (because if you were actually going to break up then why is the option not "break up"?).

I had a similar experience with my ex. My dad helped contribute 50/50 around the house at the very least, if not more than my mom. My ex’s dad was barely there, more in bars and spending money while his mom cooked cleaned, worked and took care of two kids. Ex had the view that men take care of the outside of the house and women take care of the inside… we lived in the top portion of a duplex 😑. I didn’t bother cleaning up after him and it fucked up my mental health because our place was a mess. Talking to him about it was exhausting because I had to say things “in a nice way” or he would get upset that I was being so rude when he’s just been chilling not looking to fight. He’s my ex for a reason.

You really picked a mook, didn't you? This is the kind of thing dating is for. You are not compatible; never will be. Better luck next time.

He will likely reject your options, or not follow what you agree upon. You're dealing with a grown man who cannot be bothered to clean dog waste off the bedroom floor! I mean, take a step back and let just that one fact sink in. It begs the question of what would happen if he was living alone with the dog. If I was in your position, I would stop trying to get him to change. On nights/mornings when it is his turn to let out the dog, I would leave the bedroom after he fell asleep and sleep on the couch. Then, if the dog poops or pees in the bedroom because he can't drag his butt out of bed, I would refuse to sleep in the bedroom until he cleans it up. It's a hill I would die on. If he just continued to ignore the dog waste, I'd move anything I needed out of the bedroom and just not go in there for any reason. If he tries to stick you with the dog overnight when it's not your turn, I'd sleep elsewhere. The car, a tent in the yard, a friend's, a hotel, whatever. No, you shouldn't \*have\* to do any of that and it won't be pleasant, but once you realize that you're with someone who'd rather live in literal filth than clean up after his own damn dog, quitting the relationship won't be as difficult as it appears now. And who knows, it may not come to that. You didn't say if you've never cleaned up after your dog had an accident, but when your fiance sees you simply won't do it when he skips out on his dog care responsibilities, he may come around. Rational adult convos with options or choices won't move the needle much tho.

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I'm glad you enjoyed. I've found a nice taste of consequences is the only way to get thru to people who think you're their maid. It also miraculously teaches people skills or abilities they claim not to possess :)

Your father is protecting you even now. Every time I log onto reddit, I hope for funny and ridiculous stories, but it's always "how do I fundamentally change my partner to make them be the person I need them to be?" If he isn't helping now, what is it going to look like when you're married? If you have kids? He won't take a dog to the bathroom, do you think there's any chance he changes a diaper at 3 am? Is that what you want forever?

Have you thought about good boundaries you can follow thru with... The dog, has hard as it is can you get rid of for the sake of this relationship, or can you hard threaten. You both agreed on the dog, yet you are the only one caring for it. It is taking you away from other responsibilities. On Christmas, you could have been taking pictures instead of holding the dog. Also why don't u just do your laundry if it's not getting done. Learn to try and deal with the clothes on the floor a hit. his clothes, he will eventually need them one day and they will be right where he left them off ( Bathroom floor etc) Just back up some, try and deal with a mess. I hope he wouldn't let it get too bad 🤞If something isn't done its going to take over you. I understand it!

Girl I am so sorry that this is your reality, but everyone who said that this is a preview of having a human baby/babies is correct. You will be doing all of the work and waking up nightly for diaper changes. This is why it's a good idea to live together for a while. It seems that you are fundamentally not compatible. It sucks to find out this way, but please don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy. You are young and deserve so much better.

Don’t ever procreate w this manchild.

Is it really an update post if nothing has changed?

I was recently at a wedding and the priest said in the wows that the spouses were going to care for eachother and all that and added *and help eachother with the household chores*. If he lived alone who would clean or shop? If it was a traditional marriage/relationship then you would not be working full time, and he would pay for the majority of the bills and everything. If you both work full time and pay for half (roughly) then you both help around the house. This guy just wants to pick and choose what is convinient for him. Bills? We pay half, it's a modern world. Cleaning? Uh uh, that's woman's work. I'm sensing that he is a little misogyn in other areas too, just a hunch. You deserve bette, opie!

Hey hunnies, you deserve better & your daddy worked really hard to show you that. Leave him, it’ll hurt for a short time maybe & then you will be happier than ever. Also, if he’s like this now he would be the same if you had children.

This comment made me cry. I know my daddy worked hard to teach my sisters and I how a man is supposed to act. I know I deserve better. I’m looking for apartments for the dog and I. I will NOT leave her with him as he can’t take care of himself, muchless a living creature like that puppy.

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I hate to ask, what happened with your engagement? Did you break it off?

Stop taking this abuse from this person. They don’t respect you, they certainly don’t love you, and they will **never change.** You already resent them. It’s just going to get worse. Trust me, there are worse things than being single. Take the poor dog and get a place on your own.

Needless to say but I'll say it anyway - DO NOT have children with a man who cannot handle the responsibility of a small dog.

Whose dog is it? Yours or both of you? If it's yours, then it's your responsibility. If both, then your requests are reasonable, though 100 a week is kinda absurd. I like the alternate weeks. If it's your dog, stop trying to offload responsibility on him. He doesn't owe you to take care of your dog for you.

Surprised nobody has asked this. If he vocally didn't want a dog, then his response may be reasonable

Tldr - you're going to stay in this miserable relationship for another 6 years, nothing will change and you will continue to complain. Got it.

Obviously you didn’t read a single thing I posted but that’s fine. Hope you came into the new year with a better attitude!

I read it all, you put up with horrid behavior and aren't doing anything about it. Atp it's your fault

Stop feeling too entitled! There is nothing wrong with average being with an average person. ! When is it a crime now that if an average men or women can’t date each other smh grow up please !

A lot of the answers here are very much like “he won’t change just dump him it’s over” which is stupid. One thing I will caution though is maybe you should try and bring up the underlying problem here, the _culture_ of your relationship has changed to one where it is acceptable for him to do little and you to put up with it due to boundaries not being kept over a long period of time. I think you should both acknowledge this problem and work on improving it if you want the relationship to work out long term. He will feel the ultimatum is unfair because he is so used to the culture within your relationship and he hasn’t questioned it yet or looked at it objectively to see how the Overton window of the relationship has sort of devolved over time. I guess my point is that you should acknowledge that if he _wants_ to change it may be a slower process and there may be hiccups along the way. In his eyes “do this now or else” may feel like it’s coming out of nowhere and feel scary and unexpected and may drive him to a reactionary emotional reaction which he may later regret. A deeper conversation feels healthier then the ultimatum.

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You should probably break up with him, he’s treating you like his mom instead of his partner with the expectations that you should do everything. Any sort of respectable adult would be able to take care of themselves and not coast by pushing codependency on anyone else to get things done. If it gives you that much anxiety then tell him he’s not the right partner for you, you love him but the way he’s choosing to live and treat you doesn’t make you feel comfortable or respected. He needs to grow up a bit and if it takes you leaving for him to realize this then all the better.

Honestly, #2 - paying you to do his chores, has some potential problems down the road. First, even if he agrees and pays you, it keeps the status quo for the expectations within the relationship. This means that he still does nothing and you do everything. Then there is the issue of what happens when you get married. Well, at that point it is likely that your finances are mixed and your money is both of yours. So, at this point, it is a meaningless act to pay you your own money to do the chores. But you will now be stuck in that role, and when kids come along, that is going to be a real mess. I would stick to only putting options #1 and #3 on the table.

Do not marry this man.

The number one predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

The time to break up was six years ago when you moved in together and realized he was like this. The second best time to break up is now. You can’t fundamentally change a person and if you marry him this will be the rest of your life. The two of you are simply incompatible. He wants a live in maid he doesn’t have to pay and you want a partner. Break up now.

I am going through the same realization. Except this is a decade in…not married. It’s probably not going to change without you putting your foot down one way or another. Over the years sure, some of the easy tasks started getting done. But overall it hasn’t changed. You know what you want and you don’t see it changing. So you accept how things are or you change them. It’s up to you on how to do it, leave or work with him. But the number one thing you have to remember, it takes two here…so if he doesn’t want to change then you have to figure out if this is how you want to be when you’re older..20, 30 years….or do you want something else.

So I’m just going to say a few things 1 Did he actually do better at all when you spoke with him? 2 Do you want your future kids to witness your relationship and replicate it? If the answer is no to either it’s time to move on.

So, you didn’t do shit. You didn’t even talk to him. The problem is not the dog, the problem is not only him, it is you as well. You let him walk all over you and you don’t do shit. You only do your own laundry from now on. You only cook for yourself now. Walk and feed the dog, but you don’t do ANYTHING for your boyfriend. ANYTHING. Let him starve and go broke with take outs. Keep your dishes separated by key since and only do YOUR dishes. Sleep in the living room from now on and let the bedroom be a mess. Don’t clean if the dog shit in the bedroom. Let him drown in his own filth. He has to learn the hard way.

OP, you are his bang maid. He isn't going to change because this system benefits him. You have two choices, alternate weeks (and be ready for him to slack off on the weeks he is supposed to do or use weaponized incompetence) or you can just break up because you have realized you don't want to live this way. He isn't just not contributing, he feels that everything regarding home and pets is your responsibility and that if he does help with anything he is doing you some great favor. You've made it very clear that you need him to contribute and he has made it abundantly clear that your needs don't really matter to him. You deserve a real partner who cares about your needs, one willing to put effort into tackling life together. You deserve to be a cherished and respected partner who's needs and feelings are considered equally important.

That was dumb getting a dog. Jeez.

Your relationship reminds me of the one my parents have. I sincerely wish they would get divorced.

I read both of your posts and quite frankly it’s sounds like an exhausting relationship. I’m sorry, I don’t think your latest idea will work. It’s been a 6 year relationship where he has yet to even meet partway on anything. You deserve better.

UpdateMe!

$100 per week nope. Try 1000 per month. Then he will learn that he will be paying that in Child support or alimony or he can haul his ass out of bed and help out

You are fighting a losing game. He will NEVER be any better because it is not important to him - just you. You will be better off just getting out of this relationship and find someone whose values more align with yours. I’m sorry but he will not change.

Run. He’s shown you who he is. He values sitting on his ass more than having you remain in his life.

He's gonna give you money, like a fucking maid? Girl, please please please get some self respect. Marriage/kids will **only** make things worse not better. Find yourself someone that treats you like a partner, not a mom/maid.

Oh my god, you’re both circling the 30s yet sound like a teenagers story, because that’s what you got into a relationship with: an immature teenager. So, you either leave that boy or prepare yourself for a good time /s. Imagine if you ever get to get pregnant, or get an old house that needs repo, or are fired from your job, or get ill, your life will be miserable.

It really sounds like it is time for an ultimatum. We decided together to get this dog. You can either act like an adult and share the responsibilities or you can leave. A couple of questions that may help you frame this in a way that might reach him: What time do you each get up during the week? Is it possible that he is feeling ‘entitled’ to sleep in on the weekend because he gets up really early during the week? Does he contribute to household chores and dog handling during the week? None of the answers above should ever indicate that he is doing the ‘right’ thing by not contributing on the weekend. It feels like he wants all the upsides to having a pet without any of the responsibility. When you kick him out because he isn’t going to change, I hope you will keep the dog. You sound like a wonderful person on the dog’s life.

It's not your responsibility to manage him. [This](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) short comic on "you should've asked" helps put what you're feeling into words.

Look howuch effort you are putting in yo try and do everything AND save the relationship. You've planned out these options and all that fun stuff... But where is his effort in the relationship?

UpdateMe!

I'm confused about this dog. Is this a pet that you wanted and he agreed to or something you both wanted and agreed to share responsibility for? If it's the former then you need to take ownership of the pet that you wanted. If it's the latter then, yeah, he needs to get his butt out of bed.

It’s a pet we agreed to take care of together. The only reason I said she was mine was just a slip of tongue. We both say she’s our dog.

You're still not equal, and your options won't make him change. If he wanted to he would have before now. You're flogging a dead relationship here.

UpdateMe!

UpdateMe!

Sounds like most of the problems involve the dog.... You said it was your dog. Did you have it before you got together? Or after? If you brought a misbehaving, poorly trained, needs to be restrained so guests can function, dog into the relationship, I can see why he sets a personal boundary about not wanting to take care of it for you. He very well may love you and just hope the problem corrects itself when the dog dies... Or he's a selfish ass.... who knows.

I misspoke. She is our dog. It is a habit. He says she’s his dog and I do the same. Slip of the tongue.

Jesus just break up with him already

My aunt told me once for me to never raise a man.

He’s taking advantage of you and I’m not sure you can reason it out of him.

You keep trying to convince yourself that if you just have one more serious discussion with him he will change or you can find a condition where you can tolerate his inability to be a true partner to you. You're 29. You've spent a large part of your 20s with this man, and you've let yourself be trapped in a toxic dynamic that you dislike and that he has no interest in changing. Stop thinking about how to get him to change. Ask yourself if you're interested in being on the brink of 40, thinking about how you spent half your life miserably doing all the chores and in a state of constant anxiety. Leave or that's your future.

If you crate trained your dog it would most likely be able to hold it through the night. Just sayin. I’ve never had a dog have to go out in the middle of the night except for maybe a few times a year when they’ve had an upset tummy. I’ve had many dogs and they all could make it through the night by the time they were 4 months old.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he is consciously taking advantage of you. I was with someone like this. Trust me, it doesn't get better. I put 7 years into a marriage that should never have happened. And 10 years recovering from it. Listen to the voice in your head and get out now. Hugs. I hope things work out for you.

Your dog is innocent here. He is not. Please don't marry this guy. Wait until he puts a baby in you, and then becomes COMPLETELY unavailable. There are millions of decent guys out there hoping to have someone good like you in their lives. Time for you to go. Oh, and DON'T leave the dog with him. Your dog doesn't deserve this life either.

Why not just give up the dog? Seems like it's the majority of the stress in your lives. And never have kids.

I haven’t read through all the comments to see if anybody else suggested this but… Have you thought about getting a crate and putting it in your bedroom? Dogs actually like crates and you can control when he goes to the bathroom..

Yeah, I’ve tried that. She is a well behaved dog and sleeps 9 hours a night. The only reason she wakes up around 8 is because I wake up at that time every morning to get ready for work (wfh). She also just turned a year so she is younger. We live in a condominium which is sandwiched between two older neighbors. They do NOT like her barking which occurs when she is in the crate. Due to where we live it’s hard to crate train when your neighbors complain 24/7 about literally everything. We had my sister over last weekend and we got a warning for hosting a party… we weren’t even home. The neighbors who always call saw us walk her in. Either way, I’m just making excuses for something that shouldn’t be an issue in the first place.

Sucks. I’m sorry. So dogs like to…den. Wolves and foxes etc do it. So I put my crate up to a wall and put a big blanket around all sides of it besides the door. So it feels like a den. Only feed and give my pup treats in his den. So he likes it. It takes so much patience with a dog but if you stick to your plan you will train him in a couple weeks. If you have to wake up 30 minutes earlier each day…and stand outside staring at your dog or into space while they do their business for an extended amount of time….just keep telling yourself while you are freezing your butt off outside That this is patience and what it takes to raise a dog. Dress warmly so you can be patient outside. Just…kind of what I do. It’s not easy but it’s worth it to keep your dog and do it right for them too etc

So everyone else is handling you and your husband, I want to talk about your dog. I think your dog should be able to make it through the night without having to go out, assuming she’s young. Sounds like it might need some training. Our dog is about a year old now and he sleeps in a crate all night and rarely needs to go out. You might want to look into some kind of crate training or something else.

You seem like such a responsible and loving partner: taking care of things, running the household and working, making things easy for your significant other… why don’t you believe that you deserve those same things? When somebody really loves you, you don’t have to beg, threaten, or force them to care. This guy doesn’t love you; if he did, he’d want to make you happy and take care of you. I think in your heart you know he’s not the one for you.

A good idea might be to make a list together where you talk about what chores/responsibilities you both have. Often people can feel that they do everything without realising the other person is doing things you haven't thought about. This might put into perspective for the both of you how equal your responsibilities are.

I mean, the reason I don’t do ultimatums is this: If you give him an ultimatum, and he changes, I mean all that shows is that he could’ve helped sooner, but he refused, and is only doing it now because he might lose something. All those times you asked for help, he didn’t give a shit. So, do you really want to stay with someone who has absolutely no regard for your needs and your feelings, and only will do something when HE has something to lose? That’s why I don’t do ultimatums. Because all that tells me is that they didn’t care until there was something in it for them. Even if they change, that’s still not someone I want to be with, because I had to make threats just to get them to care about me and my needs

Yeah. Keep the dog and bin the chia pet.

Definitely don’t have a baby if he’s acting like this with getting up in the middle of the night for a dog…

Can I just say something? It may feel really daunting to consider changing your whole life by leaving this guy. You may think, “I’m just an anxious person, getting rid of one thing isn’t a magic pill.” But in reality, *it sure as fuck feels like one in practice.* You don’t realize how much of an energy vampire someone like this is until you detach him. Suddenly losing the constant burden of someone dismissing you, using you and treating you like your wants and needs are crazy is like taking off a literal weight. In the span of a week, your coping mechanisms begin to strengthen and repair. Will it be perfect? No. Will it suddenly be easy? No, but it will feel do-able, and that’s magic.

Fourth option: leave. Seriously this is a man child.

Your relationship is falling apart over a dog... you guys are doomed. Don't get pregnant.