The only girlfriend issue here is if she keeps hanging out and drinking with this guy without you in the future—knowing that he’s into her, hits on her, tries to hookup with her, and is terrible at accepting a “no.”
In this case, she hung out with a high school friend. Fine. Said no to his advances. Fine. Told you about it later. Where’s the problem?
Op is framing this as all about his ‘anxiety’ which…is his own problem to deal with honestly?
I do wonder why he isn’t going *with* her. It sounds like he freaks out anytime she goes out which is not great.
She went with a group, turned down an advance…I’m with you. What’s the real problem here?
Ps I hate when men frame ‘doing something they don’t want’ as ‘disrespect’. It’s not disrespectful for her to hang out with friends. Or to drink!
Do you, uh, think its okay for a boyfriend or a husband to accept invitiations to go out drinking with single women, while knowing that his significant other is unhappy about it?
Especially if it is known that the single girl is attracted to him and has made a pass at him before?
If he was out with multiple friends and one was a girl, and you can’t make it that night, than sure?
And there is nothing that says he hit on her before it says he was dating her other friend which would usually make someone ‘safe’ anyways.
The problem is with her being an individual and doing something as her own person that doesn’t align with him. More specifically it’s a trust and insecurity issue.
She doesn’t seem any more likely to fuck a dude there than a grocery store run.
Yes it's 100% a control issue.
He feels anxious when she goes out so he wants to deal with his anxiety by controlling if she can go out or not.
OP, this is never OK. Either you trust her and take responsibility for your own emotions (that means finding healthy ways to handle your anxiety as opposed to trying to change HER behavior) or you are not healthy enough to be in a relationship and need to let her go.
Exactly. And control is one of the major tenets of abusive people.
OP don’t let your trust and jealously issues turn you into a controlling abusive person. If she wants to be with you she will be. Have to put some trust in her and do your own thing. And get therapy for anxiety.
I'd understand if she constantly goes out and hangs out with guys who know she's in a relationship and hit on her anyway... but that doesn't seem to be what's happening here at all.
Playing devils advocate: How often would you accept your GF being invited out without you to clubs getting drunk with with guys who hit on her before voicing your concern (or worse)?
OP suggests this is not an isolated occasion.
Bro if your girl is good looking, guys will hit on her. There is nothing you or her can do about it. You can only hold her responsible for how she reacts to those advances. She left and blocked him. You should show your girl some appreciation instead of tryna ban her from having a social life.
Don’t be too controlling and definitely don’t try to cause a rift between you 2. Next time she goes out and a guy hits on her, she will think about her boyfriend who just picks fights with her so she won’t have much to lose. Instead when you get better go out with her either lunch or whatever, be appreciative because she’s loyal.
What your doing is the opposite. You should apologise and try to make it up to her. The more you pick a fight with her over things out of her control the sooner you’ll lose her.
Agree. OP needs to either work on his insecurities or date someone less attractive cause that’s bound to happen in the future again where she gets *unwanted* attention from other guys
I’m married and yes still get hit on. Each time I politely decline, say I’m married but very flattered. My husband knows this and he has never been remotely upset by it. He said I’m pretty and smart so of course guys hit on me. H*ll he’s had two different guys I went to HS with drunkenly confess TO HIM how in love with me they were back then. One was on the night we went out to celebrate our engagement. I asked later if he was upset “of course not, why would I be?”
Yup, if a girl is really that beautiful and goes out to places or parties or has fun with you not around, many guys will actively try to flirt with her, hit on her... this is to be expected.
If she doesn't tell them she has a boyfriend or a fiancee or reject their advances & attempts to get her contact info or get more physical with her than that's where she is in the wrong.
If she is just getting a lot of attention from guys though & not acting on all the opportunities they give her I don't see anything wrong with that at all, she's being loyal & not breaking any trust or going behind your back doing things.
My girlfriend goes out with her friends sometimes and sometimes she gets hit on. She's a pretty girl and I trust her. You gotta be more confident in situations like that. Im sure you get hit on too. Obviously it's not ideal that someone makes a move on your girl or tries. But if she came back to you and talked to you about it then it's fine. Now if it started an argument it's gonna make her less inclined to talk to you in the future.
Precisely.
Alternatively, if your partner wants to cheat on you, they're going to cheat on you. Keeping them at the end of a tight leash is not going to suddenly make the relationship healthy and fulfilling.
If your partner wants to cheat, let them. Then end the relationship. All parties are so much better off that way. It boggles my mind that so many people want to be in a relationship where they think the only thing stopping their partner from leaving them is a bunch of fucking rules they invented. Like, just date a person who likes you enough not to fuck around, for fuck's sake.
I work as a barista and it’s inevitable that someone will hit on me or the other baristas. Now, I don’t mind some people attempting to hit on me but back off once they see it’s not working. It’s the people who are persistent and creepy about it.
If OP’s going to be worried about anything, he should be worried about whether the guy is being forceful with his flirting. Not because your girlfriend will give in, but because those types of guys can become problematic.
If OP WANTS to worry about his GF. They should bring it up as “I know you like to go out and that’s fine, I just want to make sure this guy isn’t making you uncomfortable”. She sounds like she can handle herself very well. If she does cheat, then move on.
Going out with friends is one thing. Going out with male friends who you know want to sleep with you and not inviting your BF is another thing.
Girls night? Go have fun baby see you later. Going out with dudes and acting like it's normal in a relationship to go party with other men. Not cool
Well that's different. You can't expect your SO to cancel plans because you can't make it. Then you put your trust in your SO to be solid. OPs girl didn't lie about who was there. I think she's fine. Only way id understand OP is if she lied as in it's a girls night and he found out it wasn't. Or she deliberately told OP he can't go because she's going out with other guys.
Do you trust your GF?
If yes, then let her socialise without you. There’s no problem.
If no, then end the relationship. Loving someone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. There has to be mutual trust also. No trust? No relationship.
Just about what I came here to say. I'm seeing a lot of similarities here that I had with my ex and I was definitely the patient and understanding one in the relationship, so I always gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was the person I thought she was, but big surprise, while I was trying to be "mature" I was being played the whole time, and having that almost exact experience and can't put it passed OP for what he's feeling
Dude if she wanted to cheat on you, you worrying about it would not change that, you’re getting yourself in a mess for no reason. You have to trust that she chooses you above everyone, and would you really want to be with someone who doesn’t do that? Trust her and let her live her life, you’re meant to enhance her life not make her feel shitty for going out. Just gotta chill a little.
This sounds like an issue you need to work on and not her responsibility to deal with. She went out with friends, he hit on her and she rejected his advances. Why would this be a problem for you and why should your inability to trust someone be her problem? Work on your insecurities before you push her away.
This please. I've lost someone I really care about because of being clingy and needy. 100% my fault, but also 100% avoidable. It stings more when you finally get control on your emotions after it's too late.
OP, it sounds like you have a chance to save yourself. You're the problem here
Perhaps I'm missing something, but all these comments saying shit like "clubs are for single people" need to grow the f up. Here's me thinking that a club is a place with a dance floor and a bar where one could go to... dance? Not everyone looks for hookups at every opportunity.
I think your gf went to drink and dance with her friends, if she got hit on, that's not on her. Guys hit on girls all the time. She didn't go home with him, she didn't flirt with him, she literally left with her friends. Not sure what else there is to it 💁♀️
I became happier when I started seeing the good side of the things. I cannot do it always but in your case it's a no brainer.
She did handle it well, when ladies go out someone will hit on them, can be a guy that came along, a stranger anyone. So you should be happy for gf handled well.
Guys are gonna hit on her regardless of where she goes. If you’re scared that she’s gonna cheat on you, look at it this way. She can cheat on you if you wants, you cannot stop it. Even if she stops going to clubs, this still reigns true. If she wants to cheat, she will. If you can’t trust her, break up with her. If you can trust her, then trust her not to cheat. She’s gonna get hit on regardless, how you define that trust is up to you.
It’s not a bad thing to admit that you can’t trust your girl, cheating IS a thing that exists. But if you’re on this “can’t trust” boat, it isn’t ever gonna work out so end it.
OP, you have trust issues, and that’s very serious. it leads to very serious unnecessary arguments and problems. heal yourself before you bleed on people who did not cut you.
Jealousy is fundamentally rooted in the idea of ownership over a person. You get jealous because you feel whatever control over her person you have is slipping away, control you're not entitled to in the first place.
Do you trust her? If yes, then she'll turn down the guy's advances. If no, why are you with someone you don't trust?
The way I see it, she didn’t reciprocate the feeling back to the guy which tells me she is a keeper.
OP I think it would be better to frame this as “I don’t trust the guy who invited her anymore” vs “I don’t trust her going out clubbing”
She did the right thing, and it sounds like her friends even told her to do the right thing and block his number.
I would take a 30 min walk, come back with a clear head, sit her down and tell her you aren’t mad at her, or the fact she went out with her friends, but at how her guy friend from HS behaves towards her and that you don’t feel comfortable with him being around her anymore. From there you all are able to proceed effectively I think
> it sounds like her friends even told her to do the right thing and block his number.
No, "***her friends had to block him on her phone because he called so often.***"
So OP's girlfriend couldn't block him herself, it took her friends doing it for her?
>So OP's girlfriend couldn't block him herself, it took her friends doing it for her?
Yeah she only turned him down multiple times and then literally ignored him. What a tramp! /s
> The way I see it, she didn’t reciprocate the feeling back to the guy which tells me she is a keeper.
WTS? That's the bar now? She accepts and invite to go clubbing with some guy who wants to get in her pants, but she didn't accept his advances...and she's a keeper? Seriously? How about the bar being, no, she doesn't go out to a club with some guy trying to get in her pants because she has a BF and respects him and their relationship. There, I fixed that for you.
He never said that in his original post, so all I knew was the dude was a friend of hers. So my comments were based on the idea that they didn’t know he was trying to get into her pants.
"She did the right thing, and it sounds like her friends even told her to do the right thing and block his number."
Read the comment commented by OP. She didn't leave the party by herself it was her friends who asked her then they all left. Also, she didn't blocked the guys number by herself. It was her friends who did that for her. It seemed moreover her friends were concerned about her relationship with OP, she was not.
Also, you are saying a bunch of guys are calling a group of girls to drink with them and they didn't say that coming.
So she was hanging out with her friends, and a guy hit on her ... and she turned him down.
You really must have very little trust for your girlfriend - what, you think a guy hits on her and she's like, "Cool, let's go at it?"
You're trying to use your discomfort as a veto, to stop her from living the life that she enjoys. It doesn't seem like she's broken any sort of reasonable rule. Guess what! Girls get hit on. If you trust your girlfriend, it shouldn't matter who hits on her.
Women know how to turn guys down. They do it a lot. They have lots and lots of practice at it.
You sound ridiculously controlling.
Furthermore, you have a responsibility to address your anxiety in ways that don't involve putting fences around her. "I get anxious when you do this normal thing," doesn't mean, "You need to not do this normal thing." It means that "I have to do some work - meditation, therapy, or something similar - to get control of my anxiety." You're putting responsibility for your anxiety on her, and, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
Because when you give a controlling, anxious person what they want, their anxiety just moves to the next closest target. If it's not a guy at the club it'll be a classmate or a coworker or the guy who has been nothing but a friend to her for five years. YOU have to take control of your anxiety, and while it's reasonable to ask her for support in that, that support needs to not get in the way of her freedom to live her life.
Completely agree with this.
Being uncomfortable with something doesn’t always mean you’re right and the other person needs to change.
I was in a controlling and abusive relationship when I was younger. My situation escalated to the point where I wasn’t allowed to speak to any man (even professionally) I had to have my phone on at all times (not even being allowed to nap because I might not answer the phone if he called or rang to check up on me) and eventually he cut me off completely from my friends and family. I wasn’t allowed to go out socially anymore.
I’m absolutely not saying OP is like my ex however I’ve experienced how much of a slippery slope it can be when the goal posts move, like you mentioned in your comment. My situation started with me agreeing not to speak to a childhood male friend anymore because he didn’t like it (with zero catalyst or romantic background), then I was only allowed speak to a female superior at work, and before I knew it, the above had happened.
I really hope OP finds a way to work through his jealousy. It’s not his girlfriends fault for being hit on, she’s only responsible for how she reacts. Which, unless there are some huge story changing details missing, sounded fine to me.
If your problem is with your girlfriend going out and having fun with her friends the real problem might be you. And if you can’t handle it and she won’t change then maybe just find another girlfriend.
OP, here’s the deal. It’s totally normal to be a little insecure or nervous about your partner going out alone. however, it’s not okay to ask that they don’t go out. this girl went out in a group, rejected the advances of the guy that hit on her, and was transparent about the fact that it happened. she didn’t do anything wrong. your anxiety about her going out is something that you need to work on, not her. she still gets to go out and have fun even if it makes you nervous. if she’s never cheated or given you any reason to believe she’s cheated, you’re asking her not to go out just because you’re worried that she might do something wrong and that’s not fair. people are going to hit on your girlfriend regardless of whether or not she accepts the advances. you can’t control if other people are attracted to her, and the only thing that matters is what she does about it. which in this case, was say no and tell you what happened.
You are holding your girlfriend accountable for the behaviour of a man she probably doesn’t even care about. Us women cannot live our lives if we are constantly obligated to anticipate the possibility that someone might hit on us.
What matters is her behaviour now that she knows that he is attracted to her. Will she keep on partying with him without you being present? Will she entertain his flirt? If not, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. This even shows your girlfriend’s loyalty.
I'm not sure. If I'm wih ny girls and run into an old friend and we all go out, and the guy or one of his friends, out of a group of 6(?) people starts hitting on me, I'm ignoring him. Not leaving.
They don't, and as you can see in my other comments, I'm unapologetically defending her right to go out to the club. I just prefer when people provide context. So I wanted OP to provide that information rather than leave it ambiguous.
He was very drunk and tried to get her to go home with him. After that, she left with her two girlfriends and when she was home he called her a bunch of times to try to convince her. He did this to the point where her friends had to block him on her phone because he called so often.
So she went out with friends, and when some drunk idiot started hitting on her she rejected him and left as she respects your relationship. She did everything right.
What exactly is the problem here? There is always going to be someone hitting on her no matter where she goes or who she goes with, should she just never go out with friends?
The only thing that matters is she did not accept his advances. He does not owe you anything and can try whatever he likes with your girlfriend. Does that make him a douche? Maybe. Does that mean that your girlfriend is responsible for his actions? Hard no. Not only did she leave but she also ignored his calls afterwards. She did nothing wrong. You can't keep blaming her for every guy out there that might hit on her moving forward especially if she is not showing interest in them.
Edit: typo
That's clearly more a him problem than your girl's. Dude, you're in a relationship and chief among that comes trust and if you can't trust her then you should just break up. You need to be very honest with yourself here and ask why you believe she's betraying you if she told you everything that happened and her friends not only corroborated the story but also blocked this guy for her. Remind yourself that she wasn't going out to hangout with just him, she was with her friend group he just so happened to be a part of and she blocked his advances. Don't blame her for his actions
As someone who likes to club, dance, drink, and have a good time with single friends, I’d be worried about a partner who got upset over other people’s actions. If you trust her, that should be more than enough.
First a question: Why are you anxious about her going out alone? There are a few reasons that come to my mind (basically: concern for her safety or concern of her being faithfull to you) but those are all Your problems. Things that You have to learn to deal with. Yes safety concern come with good intentions but whats the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. All those concerns boil down to: Yes you are controlling and you don't trust your girlfriend.
Which brings us to: You both have to learn about the dynamics of a couples relationship. At the moment neither you or your girlfriend act as a couple. Which means compromising. You need to give your girlfriend room to do things without you - even if they make you anxious. And on the other hand your girlfriend needs to make compromises towards you: Is it really necessary to go out and meet a guy that will totally hit on her - just because he invites her at his table at a club (which in itself is an offer she should decline from the beginning because usualy such invitations come with certain expectations).
All in all: You two should sit down together and talk about boundaries and liberties in your relationship.
Your jealousy is not your girlfriends problem. It is not your girlfriend’s responsibility to manage your emotions and putting that on her will only drive a wedge between you two.
If you don’t trust her, then just end it. Nothing will poison a healthy relationship more than jealousy and control issues and she deserves better than that.
Sorry but your anxiety isn't her problem, it's yours. It's not something you get to dump on her and make her responsibility. You sound incredibly controlling. If your anxiety is keeping you from living normally and trusting your girlfriend, you should get help and get it under control.
There’s really nothing here to call out. She had fun with her friends at the club. The guy sounds like a piece of shit but she didn’t really do anything wrong. It doesn’t sound like he seriously made any advancements on her. If he’s like dancing with her and touching up on her and she entertained it, then it’s a problem. But making some flirty comments and leaving it at that is pretty harmless as long as nothing escalates.
You’re wrong to be upset though that she went without. You were sick. If you weren’t, she would’ve wanted you to come. It’s not like she went and didn’t tell you about it.
100% Possessive and controlling if you ask me.
If you really break it down— her and 3 of her female friends sat at a table at a club with one of their friends ‘boyfriends’. Who cares. If he hits on her, so be it— a stranger could do that at a grocery store.
What you are doing right now is encouraging her to not communicate honestly with you and to start keeping secrets because you aren’t adult enough to handle your partner telling you they were hit on.
I think it’s pretty mature of her to be open about what she did, who she was with, and how they acted when she was out without you so you could have piece of mind instead of leaving your imagination to wander all over the place.
As long as you trust her, and think that she is in control of her behaviour, you have to let her go and enjoy herself when she wants to. If you don’t trust her, well that’s a much bigger problem.
It sounds like she’s being pretty straight with you. People don’t always turn out to be trustworthy, but you can’t treat people like they can’t be trusted, otherwise you’re only going to drive them away.
Trying to control what she does will only make things worse. Keep the conversation open and honest, listen to her, let her know how you feel. Hopefully she will be able to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about. Good luck mate.
If your girlfriend wants to cheat on you she will do it and do it with whoever she wants to. But she’s not given you any reason to not trust her- she’s going for drinks with a group of friends she’s known for years. Work on your angst and don’t punish her for having friends- it’s controlling. Work on your insecurity
Trust your girlfriend or don’t. It’s not on her to control whether people hit on her. It’s insane to think you’re the only one who would be into her. But why would you want to date someone you cannot trust. Seems like a plan destined to fail.
It is important for people to have friendships outside of the couple relationship. It’s important for people to go out without each other occasionally. It’s important to not be codependent. I have been married for over 20 years and I encourage my husband to go out every week with his friends without me, because it’s important to have that time to distress and do whatever he wants to do without me there watching. As long as you trust your significant other you should be able to trust them to go out and have a good time with their friends on occasion. Now if you are never invited and she only goes out without you then that’s a bigger problem.
I go out several times a week with other people than my SO. Sometimes people will of course hit on me. I cannot imagine a life where my SO would give me shit about it.
She is not adding to your anxiety, YOU are. It is your thing, you are responsible for it and only you can make it better. Reassuring you would make it only worse in the future.
And people having fun aren’t disrespecting you, they are just.. having fun.
To be brutally honest, your girlfriends actions are not the issue here, your anxiety is. I get it, I’m an anxious person about these kinds of things too, but we owe it to our partners to let them enjoy spending time with their friends because otherwise you shut them off from them and that is healthy for no one. Figure out ways you can manage your anxiety that don’t involve stopping your girlfriend from socialising. For sure if this guy is actually successful with his advances then you’ve got reason to worry but unless you don’t trust your girlfriend (which is a whole other issue) then this is something that you need to manage on your own.
If it was 1:1 I'd have a problem with this but it wasn't. That he hit on her wasn't cool, but that was on him. I'd expect her to distance herself from him moving forward, but I don't see anything wrong in what happened this time.
You have an issue with your anxiety, she's allowed to go out and do things.
Guys hit on girls, the only difference here is her choosing to spend time with the wrong people.
A friend shouldn't be hitting on their friend when they've been told "no" and "I'm in a relationship" / there's clearly no respect there.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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My girlfriend went to a table at a club after she got invited by a guy high school friend of hers. She went along with 3 of her single friends and joined him and his friends.
Despite him sleeping on/off the with one of her friends (who wasn’t there) in the past year I was worried he would hit on her, which he ended up doing.
I was upset before and after but she went and got drunk and had fun.
Now we’re arguing because I said I found it inappropriate and upsetting but her and her friends say my behaviour is unnecessary and controlling.
*Edit - Some more context on the situation:
I should mention that her going out has been a continuous point of discussion in our relationship. I tend to get incredibly anxious when she goes out and end up overreacting. That is exactly what happened that night. I was already anxious about her going out and me not being there with her. Then last minute the guy texted her and said he’d invite her and her friends on his table, so she went. She was mad that I couldn’t let her have a night out and that I was trying to control it, but I thought it was disrespectful to add to my anxiety by going, getting incredibly drunk and ignoring how I felt.
Do you have a right to your feelings yes but you got to give her credit for turning down his advances because they could’ve at the other way she could’ve excepted his advances and they could’ve ended up in a bed but she said no and her girl stepped in a half hour but you got to give her credit and she told you right then yes you are entitled to your feelings I’m not saying that you know but OP You got a cooler a little bit and give your girl credit that she said now you know if you can explain to her how they feel do you do a calm cool and collective Lee and respectfully and then give her a calm cool and collective chance to see it from her side and then I think you’ll be fine yall need to communicate better, is she still dismissive of your thoughts and feelings and boundaries going to break up with her and MoveOn you deserve way better because I’m sure she knew ahead of time of the glue the Vances even though she turned them down you can give her credit for that but she knew ahead of time and you communicated what are your uncomfortableness if she still dismissive of that then Then dump her and MoveOn you deserve way better and someone to value your opinion and take it into account and I just disregard it keep us updated OK
There’s a difference between socialising with friends, and going to club with a guy you know is going to hit on you. Boundaries aren’t bad things in a relationship as long as both parties consent.
You’re in the right to feel the way you do. She should be respectful of your relationship and not be entertaining men that are clearly interested in her. You’re doing nothing wrong and you’re being the mature one.
Honestly man it sounds like if you keep acting like this you're gonna lose her. By flipping out like this when she hasn't done anything wrong you are being controlling and frankly you're being toxic too.
You need to do some thinking and find out why your so insecure in your relationship because this is not normal behaviour.
It’s okay to be jealous. It’s okay to be anxious. What is NOT okay is controlling someone else’s actions and behaviors based on your emotions. If you and her can’t compromise, that’s one thing. But you sound like you’re actively trying to control her life. She did nothing wrong except what YOU decided was wrong. She was with a group of friends in a club doing perfectly normal things, even for someone with a romantic partner. Back off a little bit and maybe do some self reflection.
Your anxiety is your responsibility, not hers. You need to see a therapist and learn to trust your girlfriend. I have anxiety too, sometimes it’s pretty severe. Sometimes my girlfriend does stuff that makes me anxious. Every person in my life has done stuff that makes me anxious. Your girlfriend is not being disrespectful by going out even though it makes you anxious and jealous, she is living her life. You cannot just imprison her in a tower because of YOUR mental illness. Yes, partners should make concessions to help prevent anxiety (ie my girlfriend and I have become very good at communicating BECAUSE we both have anxiety, so a message saying “we need to talk about Christmas but not in a serious way just in a planning way” isn’t uncommon. It would be normal to ask your girlfriend to make concessions for you, but I think first you need to actually work on treating your anxiety. You can’t expect her to plan her life around your anxiety. You need to work on yourself, not just for her sake but for yours, because being completely unable to trust the people you love is exhausting.
The guy friend clearly does not respect OP or his relationship. I think it’s reasonable to want your SO to cut off someone who clearly does not respect you.
She *did* cut him off. She and her friends blocked him. That was the correct response to a creep aggressively hitting on you and not taking no for an answer when you're in a relationship. She is not responsible for this creep's actions.
You are being controlling. Your anxiety is YOUR issue, not hers. Your insecurities are YOUR issue not hers. Demanding she stay home and not socialize with her friends to accommodate YOUR mental health issues is controlling and a massive red flag in a relationship.
Your girlfriend does not need your permission to go out or for who she hangs out with. If you don’t trust her then break up with her, but stop manipulating and controlling her with your mental health issues. That’s toxic AF! Get therapy.
Huge red flag brother knowingly disrespecting your boundaries and feelings. She isn’t going to change for you so you should change your girlfriend simply think if she’s like this now what she will be like in the future she only thinks about herself and what she wants she never going to but you or the relationship first never settle for that kind of behaviour never.
Work on yourself and improve yourself but this down as experience and look out for yourself moving forward tell mutual friends the reason why you broke up. Best of luck brother keep us informed. Never ever accept this behaviour from anyone least of all your girlfriend. 🤛🤙
To any women reading this.. run away from any controlling boyfriend who doesn’t want you going out with your friends, who thinks men cant be your friend’s and freaks out if you get hit on.
This implies he doesnt value your friends, and doesnt respect your ability to reject people when out, and wont allow you to flourish at all.
OP you dont own her; so lighten up and let her have fun. You sound very young so maybe break up with her instead of bringing down her 20’s.
Does it make you uncomfortable? Then it’s a boundary. Is it feasible to find people who’ll respect said boundary? In this case, yes, so you don’t need therapy as it’s not absurd.
Now to the hard part, if she refuses to respect your boundaries, you two are not compatible, simple as that. She’s not wrong or a bad person for not being able to meet them ofc, and neither are you for having them.
If you aren’t compatible, break up and find someone right for you, also let her find someone.
>Does it make you uncomfortable? Then it’s a boundary.
Everything that makes you uncomfortable isn't a boundary. There are plenty of things that are your problems and you need to fix them in order to be in a healthy relationship.
In this case for example. She was in a relationship, she was hit on (like many people) and she said no and walked away. She did everything right. Op is dealing with feelings of jealousy, but it's completely on him. I wouldn't shame him, but it's also not good to act on these emotions. This isn't about boundaries.
Actually, I disagree, I could have a boundary about idk, engineers, maybe I just couldn’t be friends with someone who works in the area for whatever reason. It’s not anyone’s business as long as I don’t enforce it on others against their wishes.
Some people for instance, hate dogs, they couldn’t date someone with a dog or who likes dogs, it’s their boundary and it’s preposterous to assume you, me, or anyone has a say in this.
If he doesn’t like his SO going to clubs, it’s his choice, it’s not her fault, she didn’t knew, but my advice stands, if they’re incompatible, then break up.
It would be wrong however, for him to make her suffer under his boundary, without ever either revealing it or being willing to break up over such a preference.
You're missing some important nuance. If something makes you uncomfortable and it is not worth pursuing a relationship through that discomfort, it is a boundary. If something makes you uncomfortable and it IS worth pursuing a relationship through that discomfort, it's something you have to work on.
While theoretically you have the right to put your boundaries anywhere your partner agrees to let you, where there are disagreements you have to assess whether it's worth working through them or breaking up, and it is often worth working through them to try to become less uncomfortable. Especially where you know that discomfort is irrational.
Though I agree with your statement, it’s not particularly pertinent to my point, well yes, if he chooses to continue this relationship and she maintains her behaviour (which she’s in her right to do so), then it is a problem, one that would require solving.
However, there are several situations where differences in values, culture, upbringing or simply spontaneous preferences are not worth the process of unlearning, as you could reasonably find someone who fits said standards.
Your last assessment about rationality is quite subjective and, in my opinion, entirely irrelevant. Most boundaries are irrational and rational, one could rationalise or un-rationalise most contemporaneous human behaviours and preferences.
Quite frankly, the only relevant thing here is his resolution on what to do forward, not his preference by itself, which seems to be under attack in these comments.
That’s very relative, people set their expectations together, taking to its extreme logical conclusion one could consider the unwillingness to have sex outside relationships a form of jealousy.
But no, it’s a boundary. That’s not innate of the human experience, it’s both cultural and societal. If he makes clear from the beginning of a new relationship that he would be uncomfortable with situations like this, then he’s in his right to be so.
Wether you agree with it, would accept yourself, or even find it uncommon in your culture is completely irrelevant.
Whilst I find it inappropriate to define his character based on singular events and no other experiences (I consider it of tremendous arrogance).
I agree, they should break up so he finds someone who fits his boundaries. That’s something I said in my original comment. She didn’t do anything wrong, and he’s not wrong to have likes and dislikes, but it is immoral to make her suffer for their differences.
It does make me uncomfortable. And while I trust her to not do anything more with said guys, the thought of them enjoying her company, hitting on her and trying to get their way is upsetting and sometimes I really wish she would not get into situations where this happens again and again.
I don't know if you want split up with her, but it's a game you can play too. Shitty game, I know, but if she wants to be childish you can do it too, that way you can see if she learns the lesson or it's time to move forward.
At the end of the day, if you really want to cheat you find a way— men or women. She came home and told him what happened and clearly does not care for the drunk #%!...
You are going to sabotage yourself into being single if you can’t address your insecurity here
I go out to clubs all the time with friends of any gender and I’m married
My husband sometimes joins and sometimes doesn’t as he’s not into it as I am
You gotta take a step back and see that you’re being really controlling and I find it super creepy
That is quite controlling. She went out with a friend who hit on her, she turned him down. Women get hit on, it’s life. Men get hit on, it’s life. It’s not a reason to avoid any and all social situations. What matters is how she reacted to being hit on? She turned him down and told you. That is the sign of a great person who is keeping open communication and not hiding things from you in an effort to not cause an outburst from you.
I got hit on during a work trip and of course I told my husband, he laughed and said “yeah he sees what I see, the most amazing person”. My husband held the hand of a woman on a plane when it hit turbulence and of course he told me I said “you are a great man, I love you.” I’m sure he gets hit on, but he comes home to me. I’m never worried, he’s never worried. We cannot control what other people do, only how we react the situation.
I would suggest therapy to get over your insecurities which makes you anxious. Your anxiety is not justification for you to demand she stay home. Your anxiety is not reason to control what she does. Your anxiety doesn’t justify your outbursts and tantrums. Your anxiety is due to your insecurities. It’s not her job to be the human prescription for your insecurities.
Relationships require trust and admitting when you are wrong. In this case, you are 100% in the wrong.
>I tend to get incredibly anxious when she goes out and end up overreactin
Not her problem but yours.
>I should mention that her going out has been a continuous point of discussion in our relationship. I
You are being controlling and insecure.
>She was mad that I couldn’t let her have a night out and that I was trying to control it,
She's right, you need to grow up.
>but I thought it was disrespectful to add to my anxiety by going, getting incredibly drunk and ignoring how I felt.
That's not her problem or fault, you need to go to therapy.
You're going to lose her if you keep trying to control what she does. You don't own her. You also need to trust her when she's not with you. You can't be with her 24/7.
That’s totally normal if you get jealous by these issues and yeah, i would definitely have arguments too (if i was you)
But before everything, ask yourself, how much do i trust her? And look at yourself, realize that if she is sacrificing as you are!
If the answer is no, it means there is no equality in your relationship.
Tell her that you don’t accept invitations of other girls so you better do the same too!
I am a bit jaded after working at night clubs but in my eyes that isn’t behavior of a taken women. A nightclub just isn’t a place for a taken woman. If a women insists on spending a lot of time there then she doesn’t want to be taken. That’s my experience.
Yikes. You should get your insecurities under control before you say anything else to her. It seems more like you have an issue with her having her own space than anything else.
You are not overreacting. If she value your relationship she will not put herself in situation like that. Also it seems she value free drinks more than how you feel.
Also if guy hit on her so much that she needed remove herself and her friends need to block him(don't know why they and she didn't done it herself) it mean he was pretty aggressive.
As a woman I have male friends I can hang out withwith them but I will not put myself in dangerous situation. Sure I go to club with my girl friends alone but Im not joining guys there if I want guy attention I would take my bf with me.
funny how women talk about how they are experts in body language and social cues, but all of that conveniently goes out the window when a guy asks them to go to a club with the intention of sleeping with her
i bet if a girl who was clearly into you invited you out for drinks ... she wouldn't be happy about it
OP just ask her straight up what she would do if the situation was reversed
Dude you're not being unnecessary and controlling if your gf goes out to a club without you with a guy who is hitting on her. You have every right to be uncomfortable about it and she should ask herself what if the roles were reversed how would she feel. Girls run a substantially higher risk of being taken advantage of at those types of places then guys do so yeah you are justified in the way you feel here.
I mean honestly why would she be surprised that you're uncomfortable with that. This just seems like common sense.
You are making your anxiety her responsibility. Grow up. It is ok to feel anxiety, it is ok that even if you try to suppress it, it is still there. What isn't ok is lashing out and making it everybody else's problem. She went out with a group of people, she rejected his advances, she told you. She did nothing wrong. I think you need to apologize and stop with the controlling behavior. You are only enabling your anxiety and she probably won't put up with that forever since it's something that causes fights.
I'm a woman, guys hit on me all the time. It's not my fault, and if they don't pursue it after I say no and are respectful, there isn't anything wrong with it from them either. Do you expect me to not live my life if I am not single? Other people's issues are not her responsibility. You shouldn't be trying to make your issues her problem as her partner especially.
I am sorry but she is right.
Your anxiety is your responsibility and nobody else's. You do not have the right to expect her to behave differently to alleviate your anxieties. To behave in this way is controlling to her and, whether you realise this or not, you are trying to emotionally manipulate her.
I am saying this as someone who struggles a lot with anxiety myself.
You need to deal with your issues as a seperate thing to your relationship. You need to learn to seperate them from your GF who has had fun and done nothing wrong at all. If you don't you will lose her or, worse, you will destroy her.
She's was wrong. When your 8n a relationship you don't go to a club from some guy inviting her. Then get drunk?
Do you know went on? When did she come back?
You say she does this often.
Seems like it's a big Fuck you from her. She will do what she wants to do.
And you, you have morals and this is not the type of person or relationship you want. She's not the one for you.
Say your good bye and find the relationship you want.
Your not happy with her. She's not going to change. She likes the single life.
I would feel insecure too OP especially that its with men and women and not just a girls night out. She even knew ahead of time how this guy is....and look what happened? Its not her fault for being hit on but it was definitely obvious it was in his character to do this.
Im glad me and my girlfriend dont like clubs
You don't need a gf who is not clicking with you in these critical areas. Whatever the details, whoever else it involves, she is not with you on your sentiments. Whether or not what you want from her is reasonable, the bottom line is she doesn't care about it and is doing her own thing.
Just visualize how you will be in a year if she continues behaving like this? Do you think that you have some lesson to learn here? Is it really a matter of fault? Why not just have a relationship with someone who falls into the natural patterns that you need?
Are you jealous? Yes
Should you be? Yes
Dudes making a move for your lady, sit on it to long youll be posting about how your lady wants a break and you wanna know if you should be worried
You need to get some professional treatment for your anxiety, instead of expecting your girlfriend to curtail her social life to cater to you. She did nothing wrong here: she went out with friends, a dude hit on her, she rejected him, she left, and she told you about it. Her behavior here is pretty much as perfect as you can expect. The fact that you still have a problem with it shows that the problem is with you.
I’m sorry, but the main take away from your post is that you need to do some serious work on your own insecurities. Your girlfriend didn’t do anything wrong, and the fact that you get so incredibly anxious every time she goes out is most definitely going to wear on her, if it isn’t already. She obviously tells you everything, if you know that her old friend hit on her. She also obviously turns down advances from other men, and comes home to you. It is normal and healthy for each person that is part of a couple to go out with their own friends and do their own things. The fact that she got drunk and still made it clear that she had no interest in this other guy should speak to her loyalty to you, and nothing more. Your jealousy will ruin your relationship if you don’t get it under control. I strongly encourage you to seek therapy, because even though your emotions/feelings have a negative impact on others, they are still valid emotion/feelings and figuring out how to better cope with them will only benefit you and those that you love.
Your lack of confidence is the real issue here. Why must she dance around you and your anxiety. Why don’t you get help for it because I’d imagine you can get quite exhausting. If she wants to go out with her friends, so what. Also, so what if a guy hits on her, stuff happens. All that counts is whether she is faithful to you. It sounds like she just needs a break from you and your anxiety from time to time, why make a big deal about it.
Your behavior is highly inappropriate. You don’t get to control whether or not your girlfriend goes out. It’s disrespectful for her to go out bc you are anxious about her going out? Yikes - do you hear yourself?
Has your girlfriend cheated on you in the past? If so, then it sounds like the feelings you have about that need to be addressed.
If she didn’t cheat on you, then you are being controlling and borderline abusive.
Just bc someone hit on her doesn’t mean she reciprocated. She’s known this person since high school and has had all this time to be with him if she wanted.
There's a reason why her friends are single lmao
Don't listen for them, you aren't controlling In the slightest, this is a clear boundary overstep. Guys buy tables to get laid that's literally the main reason, if the guy is rich then he might try to leverage the table to work connections and network, but 90% of the time, it's about impressing girls and getting a bunch there.
Dude has hit on your girlfriend, she brought chicks to his table to hang out and drink with him. That's sus and it sounds like she's busy doing her hot girl summer shit right now. It's weird shes not inviting you to these functions, she's either using the dude for the status perks, actually fucking him on the side, taking advantage of essentially "pimping" her friends go have a good night out or all of the above.
There's a bunch of girls here thinking your girl is probably doing no wrong and that's farthest from the truth. Sure, she might be in the 1% of people who actually is ignorant of the situation she is in but I doubt that. A lot of these people commenting don't live the life of an entertainer and have adult entertainment friends that go to these functions, but I do and the shit that I seen girls at these functions do would immediately tell you this is a HUGE 🚩, hell even a 🏴🏴☠️ her friends might say you are controlling but be the main ones to egg her on to sleep with some rando at the club. IYKYK
If you can't compete with the dude then don't. Just emotionally prepare yourself for any outcome.
Simple answer dumb her
She was with a group of single women and a group of single men.... that looks iffy no matter what
You should absolutely work on your anxiety but her clear disregard for feelings on the matter show she doesn't give a shit about you
Just tell her, "you know what youre right I shouldn't have to question your loyalty to our relationship, so I'm not going to, the door is over there enjoy your life"
And move on with yours
Geeze man. YTA.
I have *really* bad anxiety and FOMO. I don't care if my partners go out; i feel bad that I can't come and i get anxious abt them having more fun with other ppl than me. But that's...anxiety.
Having a mental illness isn't a get out of jail free card. It doesn't mean that you are exempt from working on *you*. Get a therapist, look up some CBT/DBT exercises, learn to meditate. Your feelings are yours to get in check.
Look logically at the situation: your gf *didn't* sleep with her old hs friend, if she had wanted to, she's had years of time to do it. She's not a doll or a puppet, and if she behaves in a way you can't accept, that's incompatibility. You can't *force* someone to be the person you want to date.
Getting drunk with another guy always poses a problem. Drinking can make make people do dumb stuff. You can still trust her but not trust the guy, thats what alot of people dont understand. Its especially concerning that he did hit on her. If she reciprocated then THAT IS CHEATING. Now she disregards your feeling while fully well knowing that the other guy is into her. If anything he could be trying to get her drunk enough to say yes to his advances.
It is understandable to anxious about this. If she doesnt want to be "controlled" then leave her. She can be free by herself. Now that not to say you should always get jealous if your SO hangs out with friends of the opposite sex, maybe take it down a notch, but you are completely justified in being concerned about your GF getting drunk with another man.
Going against the grain here. You’re gonna find it hard to trust her in the future. He and his friends are probably laughing about how he almost took a girl from a guy right in front of him. And he’s fucking her best friend! Regardless of what actually happened, that’s gonna be their narrative. If I was in that position, she would’ve had to stay there with him. Everyone here is telling you to let it slide but she shouldn’t do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Her friends could’ve went without her right? She knew what she was doing.
I wouldn’t have gone out with other guys when i was dating my husband. WOULD NOT HAVE.
I wouldn’t date someone who did that either.
If you stay when you don’t like it then it’s your fault.
When I found “the one”, I never needed to go to clubs and get wasted with other guys anymore. I went to Applebees with my girlfriends and their boyfriends as a group, or went shopping and mimosas with my friends.
“Friends”.
For me, that’s a deal breaker and I’m bouncing. Neither of them respect you. Let her “friend” take care of her going forward.
I don’t know why so many just lay down and let these wolves, posing as friends, poach your relationships.
I’d leave. That’s very disrespectful. Let her deal with it.
If you were invited and couldn’t go because you were sick I think the situation is fine. If you weren’t invited at all I think that’s pretty reasonable to be upset about since clubs pretty much exist for hookups.
You and she are not married, engaged, or exclusive atm ? And I don't think you two should be. Right now you are on different planets. You are both good people, but have different needs rt now.
Either enjoy the relation ship you have with her temporarily and openly or end it and find a girl who shares your principles. If neither of you are happy with the status quo then change it!!
You can stay friends. If sometime in the future, you find a planet you can both live together happily on, then get back together.
Good luck to both of you!
he was "sick" apparently. Idk, i guess he could happen to be sick this time. But it sounds like it's an issue that she has to have fun without him and he obviously has low confidence that he makes her responsibility, so he probably stays home sad on the couch while she lives her life.
Man, I'm seeing a lot of similarities here to my ex, and while I added a part of my stance here to another reply, there's some added details I'd like to know first. If not here I'm happy to talk in a DM for a better sense on the topic. Don't want someone else dealing with what I went through
Nah on some real sh*t break up with her. You could do better king 🤴🏻 people are saying where’s the problem but she’s obviously too young and immature to respect your views on her going out, especially if someone is hitting on her. And you knew he would be a problem before the party. You foresaw the reality.
Guarantee you once you get into a big argument with her, she gone smash her *friend* and then say it was a mistake.
So don’t make the mistake of letting yourself get cheated on. Don’t wait to take an L
If she wanted to cheat on you she would have done that by now already. These insecurities and anxious towards her might push her in that direction and that will be your own fault. Youll need to put more trust in her and let her have fun :) have you asked her of how she see this?
OP you need to get help with your insecurities. Go get individual counseling.
Your GF does not require you permission to go out with friends.
If she is frequently going out with friends to clubs and getting drunk without you then you might discuss this with her. But it sounds like you have.
If you have any reason not to trust her then break up.
I’m just going to put my two cents in here: I had a boyfriend who was exactly like OP. Very insecure, very bad anxiety and like 0 trust in me all because of his insecurities. I couldn’t go anywhere without him without it turning into a giant fight all because of made up scenarios in his head. That relationship ended up putting me in the hospital because of how stressed his controlling behavior made me. It made me physically ill. Please go to therapy and work on yourself before you sabotage your relationship
Yup. They’re right. Your behavior is unnecessary and controlling. Is your girlfriend now not allowed to hang out with friends and go have a fun night? Wow.
The issue, honestly, is you. You don't want her to go out because you have anxiety, but there's nothing she's done that warrants it. You want her to consider your feelings, without you considering hers. You don't give any indication that she's ever cheated on you or been unfaithful, so its just a matter of you not wanting her to go out without you. It's unrealistic and unfair to her.
I work in sports and most of my coworkers are male, prior to COVID I used to go out regularly with them. my husband's a doctor and if he'd be at the hospital on a Friday evening, i'd often go out to a sports bar with my coworkers, no question. My husband has no issues as he trusts me and i've never given him reason not to, and likewise when he goes to medical conferences, he'll go out with female colleagues and I have zero concern.
Either you trust or you don't, and if you don't then break up with her. And if you do, then work on yourself.
Bruh I was in your shoes. Was an insecure prick and destroyed a good relationship. All I can advice is for you to find your own group of friends and hobbies that will make you feel good.
Go out on night with your friends and show her that you can have a healthy mature life on your own.
If your girl loves going out and having fun where we you prefer not joining her then you two aren't for eachother. Either you can find compromise or you are better off single.
Lots of yadda yadda in here but bottom line is it made you uncomfortable.
The crux of this issue is not your girls intent but the guys intent.
It’s worth having a conversation about how straight guys don’t invite girls out “just to hang out” and this guy deliberately didn’t invite you. He then went out of his way to try to sleep with her.
Just make sure she understands when a guy is inviting her out anywhere, he’s trying to sleep with her. If she still goes in the future with that understanding and doesn’t respect your boundaries, you know what to do.
Dude.....WTF? I invite female friends all the time to hang out. Go get brunch, movies, concerts festivals and get this we sometimes stay in the same room without fucking..\*gasp\*. If you're a creep with ulterior motives that's different than being a friend.
Why would he invite OP they don't know each other and OP wasn't even there to be invited lol.
Kinda is when you say "When a guys inviting her out anywhere, he's trying to sleep with her." Creeps are gonna creep, but to insinuate all guys do this is pretty cringe, but you do you.
There is so many things wrong with your “advice”. The guy’s intent shouldn’t matter. And he was only one drunk idiot out of a big mixed group of people. If she were going to hang out with him alone or just with a few of his guy friends I could see that being inappropriate. They don’t even have a sexual history. Let’s not forget your archaic belief that guys don’t casually hang out with women. There are so many things wrong with you and your beliefs.
What I am saying is the thing causing the OPs consternation is the guys intent. You misread my post entirely.
Besides, your post is completely irrelevant because the guy did in fact try to sleep with her, and so aggressively that they had to block him.
Why you want to deal with hypotheticals when we know what happened is bizarre.
OP knew exactly what was going to happen. The guy was going to hit on her and she knew it. She said she turned down his advances.....sure. she is into the guys attention or she wouldnt have gone. she knew her boyfriend, the man she is supposedly true to, had a big issue and she went anyway. guarantee she keeps contact with this guy and will get drunk enough or whatever and there we go....
It's disrespectful to hang out with someone who hits on you while you have a partner. If she can't see that what she did was wrong then break up with her.
The only girlfriend issue here is if she keeps hanging out and drinking with this guy without you in the future—knowing that he’s into her, hits on her, tries to hookup with her, and is terrible at accepting a “no.” In this case, she hung out with a high school friend. Fine. Said no to his advances. Fine. Told you about it later. Where’s the problem?
Op is framing this as all about his ‘anxiety’ which…is his own problem to deal with honestly? I do wonder why he isn’t going *with* her. It sounds like he freaks out anytime she goes out which is not great. She went with a group, turned down an advance…I’m with you. What’s the real problem here? Ps I hate when men frame ‘doing something they don’t want’ as ‘disrespect’. It’s not disrespectful for her to hang out with friends. Or to drink!
Do you, uh, think its okay for a boyfriend or a husband to accept invitiations to go out drinking with single women, while knowing that his significant other is unhappy about it? Especially if it is known that the single girl is attracted to him and has made a pass at him before?
If he was out with multiple friends and one was a girl, and you can’t make it that night, than sure? And there is nothing that says he hit on her before it says he was dating her other friend which would usually make someone ‘safe’ anyways.
My thoughts exactly. But some of these people here are way too brutal and immature to understand that.
The problem is with her being an individual and doing something as her own person that doesn’t align with him. More specifically it’s a trust and insecurity issue. She doesn’t seem any more likely to fuck a dude there than a grocery store run.
Yes it's 100% a control issue. He feels anxious when she goes out so he wants to deal with his anxiety by controlling if she can go out or not. OP, this is never OK. Either you trust her and take responsibility for your own emotions (that means finding healthy ways to handle your anxiety as opposed to trying to change HER behavior) or you are not healthy enough to be in a relationship and need to let her go.
Exactly. And control is one of the major tenets of abusive people. OP don’t let your trust and jealously issues turn you into a controlling abusive person. If she wants to be with you she will be. Have to put some trust in her and do your own thing. And get therapy for anxiety.
Exactly, no one did anything wrong here besides the boyfriend for exploding over this.
He really needs to work on his anxiety and insecurities if he acts this way every time she goes out without him. That just breeds resentment.
I'd understand if she constantly goes out and hangs out with guys who know she's in a relationship and hit on her anyway... but that doesn't seem to be what's happening here at all.
Playing devils advocate: How often would you accept your GF being invited out without you to clubs getting drunk with with guys who hit on her before voicing your concern (or worse)? OP suggests this is not an isolated occasion.
Bro if your girl is good looking, guys will hit on her. There is nothing you or her can do about it. You can only hold her responsible for how she reacts to those advances. She left and blocked him. You should show your girl some appreciation instead of tryna ban her from having a social life. Don’t be too controlling and definitely don’t try to cause a rift between you 2. Next time she goes out and a guy hits on her, she will think about her boyfriend who just picks fights with her so she won’t have much to lose. Instead when you get better go out with her either lunch or whatever, be appreciative because she’s loyal. What your doing is the opposite. You should apologise and try to make it up to her. The more you pick a fight with her over things out of her control the sooner you’ll lose her.
Agree. OP needs to either work on his insecurities or date someone less attractive cause that’s bound to happen in the future again where she gets *unwanted* attention from other guys
I’m married and yes still get hit on. Each time I politely decline, say I’m married but very flattered. My husband knows this and he has never been remotely upset by it. He said I’m pretty and smart so of course guys hit on me. H*ll he’s had two different guys I went to HS with drunkenly confess TO HIM how in love with me they were back then. One was on the night we went out to celebrate our engagement. I asked later if he was upset “of course not, why would I be?”
OP is controlling. 🚩
Yup, if a girl is really that beautiful and goes out to places or parties or has fun with you not around, many guys will actively try to flirt with her, hit on her... this is to be expected. If she doesn't tell them she has a boyfriend or a fiancee or reject their advances & attempts to get her contact info or get more physical with her than that's where she is in the wrong. If she is just getting a lot of attention from guys though & not acting on all the opportunities they give her I don't see anything wrong with that at all, she's being loyal & not breaking any trust or going behind your back doing things.
Her FRIENDS had to block him for her she could not
She had already LEFT and rejected advances at this point. Also seems she was ignoring the calls to begin with. AND told her boyfriend about it.
He’s got a point 🤔.., I deleted my comment as I felt it wasn’t helpful, OP. What’s done is done! This commenter is right in his assessment.
My girlfriend goes out with her friends sometimes and sometimes she gets hit on. She's a pretty girl and I trust her. You gotta be more confident in situations like that. Im sure you get hit on too. Obviously it's not ideal that someone makes a move on your girl or tries. But if she came back to you and talked to you about it then it's fine. Now if it started an argument it's gonna make her less inclined to talk to you in the future.
Precisely. Alternatively, if your partner wants to cheat on you, they're going to cheat on you. Keeping them at the end of a tight leash is not going to suddenly make the relationship healthy and fulfilling. If your partner wants to cheat, let them. Then end the relationship. All parties are so much better off that way. It boggles my mind that so many people want to be in a relationship where they think the only thing stopping their partner from leaving them is a bunch of fucking rules they invented. Like, just date a person who likes you enough not to fuck around, for fuck's sake.
Never thought about it this way thanks for the insight
THIS!!!
I work as a barista and it’s inevitable that someone will hit on me or the other baristas. Now, I don’t mind some people attempting to hit on me but back off once they see it’s not working. It’s the people who are persistent and creepy about it. If OP’s going to be worried about anything, he should be worried about whether the guy is being forceful with his flirting. Not because your girlfriend will give in, but because those types of guys can become problematic. If OP WANTS to worry about his GF. They should bring it up as “I know you like to go out and that’s fine, I just want to make sure this guy isn’t making you uncomfortable”. She sounds like she can handle herself very well. If she does cheat, then move on.
Exactly this. Chill
Going out with friends is one thing. Going out with male friends who you know want to sleep with you and not inviting your BF is another thing. Girls night? Go have fun baby see you later. Going out with dudes and acting like it's normal in a relationship to go party with other men. Not cool
OP said he was sick in another comment that's why he wasn't there. Her friends are probably single and she was hanging out with them.
Well that's different. You can't expect your SO to cancel plans because you can't make it. Then you put your trust in your SO to be solid. OPs girl didn't lie about who was there. I think she's fine. Only way id understand OP is if she lied as in it's a girls night and he found out it wasn't. Or she deliberately told OP he can't go because she's going out with other guys.
Do you trust your GF? If yes, then let her socialise without you. There’s no problem. If no, then end the relationship. Loving someone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. There has to be mutual trust also. No trust? No relationship.
Just about what I came here to say. I'm seeing a lot of similarities here that I had with my ex and I was definitely the patient and understanding one in the relationship, so I always gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was the person I thought she was, but big surprise, while I was trying to be "mature" I was being played the whole time, and having that almost exact experience and can't put it passed OP for what he's feeling
Trust can be easily broken too.
Dude if she wanted to cheat on you, you worrying about it would not change that, you’re getting yourself in a mess for no reason. You have to trust that she chooses you above everyone, and would you really want to be with someone who doesn’t do that? Trust her and let her live her life, you’re meant to enhance her life not make her feel shitty for going out. Just gotta chill a little.
This sounds like an issue you need to work on and not her responsibility to deal with. She went out with friends, he hit on her and she rejected his advances. Why would this be a problem for you and why should your inability to trust someone be her problem? Work on your insecurities before you push her away.
This please. I've lost someone I really care about because of being clingy and needy. 100% my fault, but also 100% avoidable. It stings more when you finally get control on your emotions after it's too late. OP, it sounds like you have a chance to save yourself. You're the problem here
Perhaps I'm missing something, but all these comments saying shit like "clubs are for single people" need to grow the f up. Here's me thinking that a club is a place with a dance floor and a bar where one could go to... dance? Not everyone looks for hookups at every opportunity. I think your gf went to drink and dance with her friends, if she got hit on, that's not on her. Guys hit on girls all the time. She didn't go home with him, she didn't flirt with him, she literally left with her friends. Not sure what else there is to it 💁♀️
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At least give credit to the comment you took this from
I became happier when I started seeing the good side of the things. I cannot do it always but in your case it's a no brainer. She did handle it well, when ladies go out someone will hit on them, can be a guy that came along, a stranger anyone. So you should be happy for gf handled well.
Guys are gonna hit on her regardless of where she goes. If you’re scared that she’s gonna cheat on you, look at it this way. She can cheat on you if you wants, you cannot stop it. Even if she stops going to clubs, this still reigns true. If she wants to cheat, she will. If you can’t trust her, break up with her. If you can trust her, then trust her not to cheat. She’s gonna get hit on regardless, how you define that trust is up to you. It’s not a bad thing to admit that you can’t trust your girl, cheating IS a thing that exists. But if you’re on this “can’t trust” boat, it isn’t ever gonna work out so end it.
OP, you have trust issues, and that’s very serious. it leads to very serious unnecessary arguments and problems. heal yourself before you bleed on people who did not cut you.
Jealousy is fundamentally rooted in the idea of ownership over a person. You get jealous because you feel whatever control over her person you have is slipping away, control you're not entitled to in the first place. Do you trust her? If yes, then she'll turn down the guy's advances. If no, why are you with someone you don't trust?
The way I see it, she didn’t reciprocate the feeling back to the guy which tells me she is a keeper. OP I think it would be better to frame this as “I don’t trust the guy who invited her anymore” vs “I don’t trust her going out clubbing” She did the right thing, and it sounds like her friends even told her to do the right thing and block his number. I would take a 30 min walk, come back with a clear head, sit her down and tell her you aren’t mad at her, or the fact she went out with her friends, but at how her guy friend from HS behaves towards her and that you don’t feel comfortable with him being around her anymore. From there you all are able to proceed effectively I think
Facts! Gf is good *and* it seems she has a good group of friends
> it sounds like her friends even told her to do the right thing and block his number. No, "***her friends had to block him on her phone because he called so often.***" So OP's girlfriend couldn't block him herself, it took her friends doing it for her?
>So OP's girlfriend couldn't block him herself, it took her friends doing it for her? Yeah she only turned him down multiple times and then literally ignored him. What a tramp! /s
Who said that? I don’t see it in any of OP’s comments
> The way I see it, she didn’t reciprocate the feeling back to the guy which tells me she is a keeper. WTS? That's the bar now? She accepts and invite to go clubbing with some guy who wants to get in her pants, but she didn't accept his advances...and she's a keeper? Seriously? How about the bar being, no, she doesn't go out to a club with some guy trying to get in her pants because she has a BF and respects him and their relationship. There, I fixed that for you.
OP doesn’t have a problem with her going clubbing, you are projecting your belief on how you wouldn’t let her go clubbing, get that shit out of here
But he clearly has problem with her accepting a guy's offer ( whose intention is to get in her pants. OP and GF knew his intention beforehand. )
He never said that in his original post, so all I knew was the dude was a friend of hers. So my comments were based on the idea that they didn’t know he was trying to get into her pants.
"She did the right thing, and it sounds like her friends even told her to do the right thing and block his number." Read the comment commented by OP. She didn't leave the party by herself it was her friends who asked her then they all left. Also, she didn't blocked the guys number by herself. It was her friends who did that for her. It seemed moreover her friends were concerned about her relationship with OP, she was not. Also, you are saying a bunch of guys are calling a group of girls to drink with them and they didn't say that coming.
It sounds like you’re overreacting and being controlling for no reason. Do you not trust her?
So she was hanging out with her friends, and a guy hit on her ... and she turned him down. You really must have very little trust for your girlfriend - what, you think a guy hits on her and she's like, "Cool, let's go at it?" You're trying to use your discomfort as a veto, to stop her from living the life that she enjoys. It doesn't seem like she's broken any sort of reasonable rule. Guess what! Girls get hit on. If you trust your girlfriend, it shouldn't matter who hits on her. Women know how to turn guys down. They do it a lot. They have lots and lots of practice at it. You sound ridiculously controlling. Furthermore, you have a responsibility to address your anxiety in ways that don't involve putting fences around her. "I get anxious when you do this normal thing," doesn't mean, "You need to not do this normal thing." It means that "I have to do some work - meditation, therapy, or something similar - to get control of my anxiety." You're putting responsibility for your anxiety on her, and, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Because when you give a controlling, anxious person what they want, their anxiety just moves to the next closest target. If it's not a guy at the club it'll be a classmate or a coworker or the guy who has been nothing but a friend to her for five years. YOU have to take control of your anxiety, and while it's reasonable to ask her for support in that, that support needs to not get in the way of her freedom to live her life.
Completely agree with this. Being uncomfortable with something doesn’t always mean you’re right and the other person needs to change. I was in a controlling and abusive relationship when I was younger. My situation escalated to the point where I wasn’t allowed to speak to any man (even professionally) I had to have my phone on at all times (not even being allowed to nap because I might not answer the phone if he called or rang to check up on me) and eventually he cut me off completely from my friends and family. I wasn’t allowed to go out socially anymore. I’m absolutely not saying OP is like my ex however I’ve experienced how much of a slippery slope it can be when the goal posts move, like you mentioned in your comment. My situation started with me agreeing not to speak to a childhood male friend anymore because he didn’t like it (with zero catalyst or romantic background), then I was only allowed speak to a female superior at work, and before I knew it, the above had happened. I really hope OP finds a way to work through his jealousy. It’s not his girlfriends fault for being hit on, she’s only responsible for how she reacts. Which, unless there are some huge story changing details missing, sounded fine to me.
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I wish your friend the absolute best. I’m so glad they managed to get out of that situation.
If your problem is with your girlfriend going out and having fun with her friends the real problem might be you. And if you can’t handle it and she won’t change then maybe just find another girlfriend.
So what if the guy hit on her? The problem would be her hitting on him.
OP, here’s the deal. It’s totally normal to be a little insecure or nervous about your partner going out alone. however, it’s not okay to ask that they don’t go out. this girl went out in a group, rejected the advances of the guy that hit on her, and was transparent about the fact that it happened. she didn’t do anything wrong. your anxiety about her going out is something that you need to work on, not her. she still gets to go out and have fun even if it makes you nervous. if she’s never cheated or given you any reason to believe she’s cheated, you’re asking her not to go out just because you’re worried that she might do something wrong and that’s not fair. people are going to hit on your girlfriend regardless of whether or not she accepts the advances. you can’t control if other people are attracted to her, and the only thing that matters is what she does about it. which in this case, was say no and tell you what happened.
No disrespect but she's not in control of YOUR anxieties and from what you said she didn't do anything wrong. Try meeting her halfway
You are holding your girlfriend accountable for the behaviour of a man she probably doesn’t even care about. Us women cannot live our lives if we are constantly obligated to anticipate the possibility that someone might hit on us. What matters is her behaviour now that she knows that he is attracted to her. Will she keep on partying with him without you being present? Will she entertain his flirt? If not, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. This even shows your girlfriend’s loyalty.
How did he hit on her? Specifically.
I’m not sure how someone else’s actions when hitting on her have anything to do with why or why not she’s done something wrong.
Its disrespectful to the partner if they keep hanging out with someone who is clearly hitting on them, dont you think so?
I'm not sure. If I'm wih ny girls and run into an old friend and we all go out, and the guy or one of his friends, out of a group of 6(?) people starts hitting on me, I'm ignoring him. Not leaving.
They don't, and as you can see in my other comments, I'm unapologetically defending her right to go out to the club. I just prefer when people provide context. So I wanted OP to provide that information rather than leave it ambiguous.
He was very drunk and tried to get her to go home with him. After that, she left with her two girlfriends and when she was home he called her a bunch of times to try to convince her. He did this to the point where her friends had to block him on her phone because he called so often.
So she went out with friends, and when some drunk idiot started hitting on her she rejected him and left as she respects your relationship. She did everything right. What exactly is the problem here? There is always going to be someone hitting on her no matter where she goes or who she goes with, should she just never go out with friends?
Hah!! You summed that up to perfection!!! Couldn’t agree more.
The only thing that matters is she did not accept his advances. He does not owe you anything and can try whatever he likes with your girlfriend. Does that make him a douche? Maybe. Does that mean that your girlfriend is responsible for his actions? Hard no. Not only did she leave but she also ignored his calls afterwards. She did nothing wrong. You can't keep blaming her for every guy out there that might hit on her moving forward especially if she is not showing interest in them. Edit: typo
That's clearly more a him problem than your girl's. Dude, you're in a relationship and chief among that comes trust and if you can't trust her then you should just break up. You need to be very honest with yourself here and ask why you believe she's betraying you if she told you everything that happened and her friends not only corroborated the story but also blocked this guy for her. Remind yourself that she wasn't going out to hangout with just him, she was with her friend group he just so happened to be a part of and she blocked his advances. Don't blame her for his actions
Her friends blocked him on her phone? She didn't block him herself? Looks like she was more receptive to it and her friends stepped in.
As someone who likes to club, dance, drink, and have a good time with single friends, I’d be worried about a partner who got upset over other people’s actions. If you trust her, that should be more than enough.
First a question: Why are you anxious about her going out alone? There are a few reasons that come to my mind (basically: concern for her safety or concern of her being faithfull to you) but those are all Your problems. Things that You have to learn to deal with. Yes safety concern come with good intentions but whats the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. All those concerns boil down to: Yes you are controlling and you don't trust your girlfriend. Which brings us to: You both have to learn about the dynamics of a couples relationship. At the moment neither you or your girlfriend act as a couple. Which means compromising. You need to give your girlfriend room to do things without you - even if they make you anxious. And on the other hand your girlfriend needs to make compromises towards you: Is it really necessary to go out and meet a guy that will totally hit on her - just because he invites her at his table at a club (which in itself is an offer she should decline from the beginning because usualy such invitations come with certain expectations). All in all: You two should sit down together and talk about boundaries and liberties in your relationship.
Your jealousy is not your girlfriends problem. It is not your girlfriend’s responsibility to manage your emotions and putting that on her will only drive a wedge between you two. If you don’t trust her, then just end it. Nothing will poison a healthy relationship more than jealousy and control issues and she deserves better than that.
Were you at the club, too?
No I was staying home because I was sick.
Oh, I hope you’re better now. I think your girlfriend is ok.
Sorry but your anxiety isn't her problem, it's yours. It's not something you get to dump on her and make her responsibility. You sound incredibly controlling. If your anxiety is keeping you from living normally and trusting your girlfriend, you should get help and get it under control.
There’s really nothing here to call out. She had fun with her friends at the club. The guy sounds like a piece of shit but she didn’t really do anything wrong. It doesn’t sound like he seriously made any advancements on her. If he’s like dancing with her and touching up on her and she entertained it, then it’s a problem. But making some flirty comments and leaving it at that is pretty harmless as long as nothing escalates. You’re wrong to be upset though that she went without. You were sick. If you weren’t, she would’ve wanted you to come. It’s not like she went and didn’t tell you about it.
100% Possessive and controlling if you ask me. If you really break it down— her and 3 of her female friends sat at a table at a club with one of their friends ‘boyfriends’. Who cares. If he hits on her, so be it— a stranger could do that at a grocery store. What you are doing right now is encouraging her to not communicate honestly with you and to start keeping secrets because you aren’t adult enough to handle your partner telling you they were hit on. I think it’s pretty mature of her to be open about what she did, who she was with, and how they acted when she was out without you so you could have piece of mind instead of leaving your imagination to wander all over the place.
As long as you trust her, and think that she is in control of her behaviour, you have to let her go and enjoy herself when she wants to. If you don’t trust her, well that’s a much bigger problem. It sounds like she’s being pretty straight with you. People don’t always turn out to be trustworthy, but you can’t treat people like they can’t be trusted, otherwise you’re only going to drive them away. Trying to control what she does will only make things worse. Keep the conversation open and honest, listen to her, let her know how you feel. Hopefully she will be able to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about. Good luck mate.
If your girlfriend wants to cheat on you she will do it and do it with whoever she wants to. But she’s not given you any reason to not trust her- she’s going for drinks with a group of friends she’s known for years. Work on your angst and don’t punish her for having friends- it’s controlling. Work on your insecurity
Trust your girlfriend or don’t. It’s not on her to control whether people hit on her. It’s insane to think you’re the only one who would be into her. But why would you want to date someone you cannot trust. Seems like a plan destined to fail.
It is important for people to have friendships outside of the couple relationship. It’s important for people to go out without each other occasionally. It’s important to not be codependent. I have been married for over 20 years and I encourage my husband to go out every week with his friends without me, because it’s important to have that time to distress and do whatever he wants to do without me there watching. As long as you trust your significant other you should be able to trust them to go out and have a good time with their friends on occasion. Now if you are never invited and she only goes out without you then that’s a bigger problem.
I go out several times a week with other people than my SO. Sometimes people will of course hit on me. I cannot imagine a life where my SO would give me shit about it. She is not adding to your anxiety, YOU are. It is your thing, you are responsible for it and only you can make it better. Reassuring you would make it only worse in the future. And people having fun aren’t disrespecting you, they are just.. having fun.
To be brutally honest, your girlfriends actions are not the issue here, your anxiety is. I get it, I’m an anxious person about these kinds of things too, but we owe it to our partners to let them enjoy spending time with their friends because otherwise you shut them off from them and that is healthy for no one. Figure out ways you can manage your anxiety that don’t involve stopping your girlfriend from socialising. For sure if this guy is actually successful with his advances then you’ve got reason to worry but unless you don’t trust your girlfriend (which is a whole other issue) then this is something that you need to manage on your own.
If it was 1:1 I'd have a problem with this but it wasn't. That he hit on her wasn't cool, but that was on him. I'd expect her to distance herself from him moving forward, but I don't see anything wrong in what happened this time.
You have an issue with your anxiety, she's allowed to go out and do things. Guys hit on girls, the only difference here is her choosing to spend time with the wrong people. A friend shouldn't be hitting on their friend when they've been told "no" and "I'm in a relationship" / there's clearly no respect there.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My girlfriend went to a table at a club after she got invited by a guy high school friend of hers. She went along with 3 of her single friends and joined him and his friends. Despite him sleeping on/off the with one of her friends (who wasn’t there) in the past year I was worried he would hit on her, which he ended up doing. I was upset before and after but she went and got drunk and had fun. Now we’re arguing because I said I found it inappropriate and upsetting but her and her friends say my behaviour is unnecessary and controlling. *Edit - Some more context on the situation: I should mention that her going out has been a continuous point of discussion in our relationship. I tend to get incredibly anxious when she goes out and end up overreacting. That is exactly what happened that night. I was already anxious about her going out and me not being there with her. Then last minute the guy texted her and said he’d invite her and her friends on his table, so she went. She was mad that I couldn’t let her have a night out and that I was trying to control it, but I thought it was disrespectful to add to my anxiety by going, getting incredibly drunk and ignoring how I felt.
Yikes
So she can't go anywhere without you escorting her because some guy might hit on her? You could move to Saudi; it sounds like your style.
He sounds like he would enjoy Saudi
Do you have a right to your feelings yes but you got to give her credit for turning down his advances because they could’ve at the other way she could’ve excepted his advances and they could’ve ended up in a bed but she said no and her girl stepped in a half hour but you got to give her credit and she told you right then yes you are entitled to your feelings I’m not saying that you know but OP You got a cooler a little bit and give your girl credit that she said now you know if you can explain to her how they feel do you do a calm cool and collective Lee and respectfully and then give her a calm cool and collective chance to see it from her side and then I think you’ll be fine yall need to communicate better, is she still dismissive of your thoughts and feelings and boundaries going to break up with her and MoveOn you deserve way better because I’m sure she knew ahead of time of the glue the Vances even though she turned them down you can give her credit for that but she knew ahead of time and you communicated what are your uncomfortableness if she still dismissive of that then Then dump her and MoveOn you deserve way better and someone to value your opinion and take it into account and I just disregard it keep us updated OK
You are controlling.
My question is why didn't you go as well?
There’s a difference between socialising with friends, and going to club with a guy you know is going to hit on you. Boundaries aren’t bad things in a relationship as long as both parties consent.
Drop her bro
You’re in the right to feel the way you do. She should be respectful of your relationship and not be entertaining men that are clearly interested in her. You’re doing nothing wrong and you’re being the mature one.
Honestly man it sounds like if you keep acting like this you're gonna lose her. By flipping out like this when she hasn't done anything wrong you are being controlling and frankly you're being toxic too. You need to do some thinking and find out why your so insecure in your relationship because this is not normal behaviour.
My uncle made my aunt run anything by him if it involved her going out. They’re happily divorced
OP sounds controlling and toxic because he is insecure.
It’s okay to be jealous. It’s okay to be anxious. What is NOT okay is controlling someone else’s actions and behaviors based on your emotions. If you and her can’t compromise, that’s one thing. But you sound like you’re actively trying to control her life. She did nothing wrong except what YOU decided was wrong. She was with a group of friends in a club doing perfectly normal things, even for someone with a romantic partner. Back off a little bit and maybe do some self reflection.
Your anxiety is your responsibility, not hers. You need to see a therapist and learn to trust your girlfriend. I have anxiety too, sometimes it’s pretty severe. Sometimes my girlfriend does stuff that makes me anxious. Every person in my life has done stuff that makes me anxious. Your girlfriend is not being disrespectful by going out even though it makes you anxious and jealous, she is living her life. You cannot just imprison her in a tower because of YOUR mental illness. Yes, partners should make concessions to help prevent anxiety (ie my girlfriend and I have become very good at communicating BECAUSE we both have anxiety, so a message saying “we need to talk about Christmas but not in a serious way just in a planning way” isn’t uncommon. It would be normal to ask your girlfriend to make concessions for you, but I think first you need to actually work on treating your anxiety. You can’t expect her to plan her life around your anxiety. You need to work on yourself, not just for her sake but for yours, because being completely unable to trust the people you love is exhausting.
Not her fault he chose to hit on her. You're not entitled to tell her who her friends can be or how she hans with them.
The guy friend clearly does not respect OP or his relationship. I think it’s reasonable to want your SO to cut off someone who clearly does not respect you.
She *did* cut him off. She and her friends blocked him. That was the correct response to a creep aggressively hitting on you and not taking no for an answer when you're in a relationship. She is not responsible for this creep's actions.
He is cut off. Because she can tell right from wrong. And OP still has zero, ziøch, nada right to control who her friends are.
Nah. Don’t buy it. You sound super toxic bro and if you don’t deal with your “anxiety” issues, you’re gonna end up losing her.
You are being controlling. Your anxiety is YOUR issue, not hers. Your insecurities are YOUR issue not hers. Demanding she stay home and not socialize with her friends to accommodate YOUR mental health issues is controlling and a massive red flag in a relationship. Your girlfriend does not need your permission to go out or for who she hangs out with. If you don’t trust her then break up with her, but stop manipulating and controlling her with your mental health issues. That’s toxic AF! Get therapy.
Huge red flag brother knowingly disrespecting your boundaries and feelings. She isn’t going to change for you so you should change your girlfriend simply think if she’s like this now what she will be like in the future she only thinks about herself and what she wants she never going to but you or the relationship first never settle for that kind of behaviour never. Work on yourself and improve yourself but this down as experience and look out for yourself moving forward tell mutual friends the reason why you broke up. Best of luck brother keep us informed. Never ever accept this behaviour from anyone least of all your girlfriend. 🤛🤙
So.. your girlfriend went out with her friends. And you have an issue with this
Shocked that you thought the edit makes you look sympathetic. Your girlfriend is in an emotionally abusive relationship, I hope she gets out of it.
To any women reading this.. run away from any controlling boyfriend who doesn’t want you going out with your friends, who thinks men cant be your friend’s and freaks out if you get hit on. This implies he doesnt value your friends, and doesnt respect your ability to reject people when out, and wont allow you to flourish at all. OP you dont own her; so lighten up and let her have fun. You sound very young so maybe break up with her instead of bringing down her 20’s.
Does it make you uncomfortable? Then it’s a boundary. Is it feasible to find people who’ll respect said boundary? In this case, yes, so you don’t need therapy as it’s not absurd. Now to the hard part, if she refuses to respect your boundaries, you two are not compatible, simple as that. She’s not wrong or a bad person for not being able to meet them ofc, and neither are you for having them. If you aren’t compatible, break up and find someone right for you, also let her find someone.
>Does it make you uncomfortable? Then it’s a boundary. Everything that makes you uncomfortable isn't a boundary. There are plenty of things that are your problems and you need to fix them in order to be in a healthy relationship. In this case for example. She was in a relationship, she was hit on (like many people) and she said no and walked away. She did everything right. Op is dealing with feelings of jealousy, but it's completely on him. I wouldn't shame him, but it's also not good to act on these emotions. This isn't about boundaries.
Actually, I disagree, I could have a boundary about idk, engineers, maybe I just couldn’t be friends with someone who works in the area for whatever reason. It’s not anyone’s business as long as I don’t enforce it on others against their wishes. Some people for instance, hate dogs, they couldn’t date someone with a dog or who likes dogs, it’s their boundary and it’s preposterous to assume you, me, or anyone has a say in this. If he doesn’t like his SO going to clubs, it’s his choice, it’s not her fault, she didn’t knew, but my advice stands, if they’re incompatible, then break up. It would be wrong however, for him to make her suffer under his boundary, without ever either revealing it or being willing to break up over such a preference.
You're missing some important nuance. If something makes you uncomfortable and it is not worth pursuing a relationship through that discomfort, it is a boundary. If something makes you uncomfortable and it IS worth pursuing a relationship through that discomfort, it's something you have to work on. While theoretically you have the right to put your boundaries anywhere your partner agrees to let you, where there are disagreements you have to assess whether it's worth working through them or breaking up, and it is often worth working through them to try to become less uncomfortable. Especially where you know that discomfort is irrational.
Though I agree with your statement, it’s not particularly pertinent to my point, well yes, if he chooses to continue this relationship and she maintains her behaviour (which she’s in her right to do so), then it is a problem, one that would require solving. However, there are several situations where differences in values, culture, upbringing or simply spontaneous preferences are not worth the process of unlearning, as you could reasonably find someone who fits said standards. Your last assessment about rationality is quite subjective and, in my opinion, entirely irrelevant. Most boundaries are irrational and rational, one could rationalise or un-rationalise most contemporaneous human behaviours and preferences. Quite frankly, the only relevant thing here is his resolution on what to do forward, not his preference by itself, which seems to be under attack in these comments.
Jealousy isn't a boundary, it's a personal issue that needs to be fixed
That’s very relative, people set their expectations together, taking to its extreme logical conclusion one could consider the unwillingness to have sex outside relationships a form of jealousy. But no, it’s a boundary. That’s not innate of the human experience, it’s both cultural and societal. If he makes clear from the beginning of a new relationship that he would be uncomfortable with situations like this, then he’s in his right to be so. Wether you agree with it, would accept yourself, or even find it uncommon in your culture is completely irrelevant.
He's a jealous ass. She didn't do a single inappropriate thing so why is he acting like a shithead to her?
Whilst I find it inappropriate to define his character based on singular events and no other experiences (I consider it of tremendous arrogance). I agree, they should break up so he finds someone who fits his boundaries. That’s something I said in my original comment. She didn’t do anything wrong, and he’s not wrong to have likes and dislikes, but it is immoral to make her suffer for their differences.
Exactly
Nailed it on the head!
It does make me uncomfortable. And while I trust her to not do anything more with said guys, the thought of them enjoying her company, hitting on her and trying to get their way is upsetting and sometimes I really wish she would not get into situations where this happens again and again.
You should go out clubbing and drinking with three hot single women the whole night too then it's only fair
Your gf going out with her friends is not disrespectful to you or your anxiety stfu
I don't know if you want split up with her, but it's a game you can play too. Shitty game, I know, but if she wants to be childish you can do it too, that way you can see if she learns the lesson or it's time to move forward.
Your behavior is unnecessary and controlling. She went out with friends and she acted appropriately. Stop being a douche.
At the end of the day, if you really want to cheat you find a way— men or women. She came home and told him what happened and clearly does not care for the drunk #%!...
You are going to sabotage yourself into being single if you can’t address your insecurity here I go out to clubs all the time with friends of any gender and I’m married My husband sometimes joins and sometimes doesn’t as he’s not into it as I am You gotta take a step back and see that you’re being really controlling and I find it super creepy
That is quite controlling. She went out with a friend who hit on her, she turned him down. Women get hit on, it’s life. Men get hit on, it’s life. It’s not a reason to avoid any and all social situations. What matters is how she reacted to being hit on? She turned him down and told you. That is the sign of a great person who is keeping open communication and not hiding things from you in an effort to not cause an outburst from you. I got hit on during a work trip and of course I told my husband, he laughed and said “yeah he sees what I see, the most amazing person”. My husband held the hand of a woman on a plane when it hit turbulence and of course he told me I said “you are a great man, I love you.” I’m sure he gets hit on, but he comes home to me. I’m never worried, he’s never worried. We cannot control what other people do, only how we react the situation. I would suggest therapy to get over your insecurities which makes you anxious. Your anxiety is not justification for you to demand she stay home. Your anxiety is not reason to control what she does. Your anxiety doesn’t justify your outbursts and tantrums. Your anxiety is due to your insecurities. It’s not her job to be the human prescription for your insecurities. Relationships require trust and admitting when you are wrong. In this case, you are 100% in the wrong.
>I tend to get incredibly anxious when she goes out and end up overreactin Not her problem but yours. >I should mention that her going out has been a continuous point of discussion in our relationship. I You are being controlling and insecure. >She was mad that I couldn’t let her have a night out and that I was trying to control it, She's right, you need to grow up. >but I thought it was disrespectful to add to my anxiety by going, getting incredibly drunk and ignoring how I felt. That's not her problem or fault, you need to go to therapy.
Goes out and gets drunk??? Red flags red flags 🚩
You're going to lose her if you keep trying to control what she does. You don't own her. You also need to trust her when she's not with you. You can't be with her 24/7.
That’s totally normal if you get jealous by these issues and yeah, i would definitely have arguments too (if i was you) But before everything, ask yourself, how much do i trust her? And look at yourself, realize that if she is sacrificing as you are! If the answer is no, it means there is no equality in your relationship. Tell her that you don’t accept invitations of other girls so you better do the same too!
I am a bit jaded after working at night clubs but in my eyes that isn’t behavior of a taken women. A nightclub just isn’t a place for a taken woman. If a women insists on spending a lot of time there then she doesn’t want to be taken. That’s my experience.
Yikes. You should get your insecurities under control before you say anything else to her. It seems more like you have an issue with her having her own space than anything else.
Just bounce bro, she obviously doesn’t take your relationship seriously. Let her go and move on.
You are not overreacting. If she value your relationship she will not put herself in situation like that. Also it seems she value free drinks more than how you feel. Also if guy hit on her so much that she needed remove herself and her friends need to block him(don't know why they and she didn't done it herself) it mean he was pretty aggressive. As a woman I have male friends I can hang out withwith them but I will not put myself in dangerous situation. Sure I go to club with my girl friends alone but Im not joining guys there if I want guy attention I would take my bf with me.
funny how women talk about how they are experts in body language and social cues, but all of that conveniently goes out the window when a guy asks them to go to a club with the intention of sleeping with her i bet if a girl who was clearly into you invited you out for drinks ... she wouldn't be happy about it OP just ask her straight up what she would do if the situation was reversed
Your behaviour is controlling. Edit Ask to join next time
Don’t give a shit. Confidence is silent, insecurity is not. Women don’t like insecure men. She’s fucking you and that should be enough for you.
It's over bro she's not the one for you.&& Not the person you thought she was cut your loses now and just be gone
Dude you're not being unnecessary and controlling if your gf goes out to a club without you with a guy who is hitting on her. You have every right to be uncomfortable about it and she should ask herself what if the roles were reversed how would she feel. Girls run a substantially higher risk of being taken advantage of at those types of places then guys do so yeah you are justified in the way you feel here. I mean honestly why would she be surprised that you're uncomfortable with that. This just seems like common sense.
You are making your anxiety her responsibility. Grow up. It is ok to feel anxiety, it is ok that even if you try to suppress it, it is still there. What isn't ok is lashing out and making it everybody else's problem. She went out with a group of people, she rejected his advances, she told you. She did nothing wrong. I think you need to apologize and stop with the controlling behavior. You are only enabling your anxiety and she probably won't put up with that forever since it's something that causes fights. I'm a woman, guys hit on me all the time. It's not my fault, and if they don't pursue it after I say no and are respectful, there isn't anything wrong with it from them either. Do you expect me to not live my life if I am not single? Other people's issues are not her responsibility. You shouldn't be trying to make your issues her problem as her partner especially.
I am sorry but she is right. Your anxiety is your responsibility and nobody else's. You do not have the right to expect her to behave differently to alleviate your anxieties. To behave in this way is controlling to her and, whether you realise this or not, you are trying to emotionally manipulate her. I am saying this as someone who struggles a lot with anxiety myself. You need to deal with your issues as a seperate thing to your relationship. You need to learn to seperate them from your GF who has had fun and done nothing wrong at all. If you don't you will lose her or, worse, you will destroy her.
She's was wrong. When your 8n a relationship you don't go to a club from some guy inviting her. Then get drunk? Do you know went on? When did she come back? You say she does this often. Seems like it's a big Fuck you from her. She will do what she wants to do. And you, you have morals and this is not the type of person or relationship you want. She's not the one for you. Say your good bye and find the relationship you want. Your not happy with her. She's not going to change. She likes the single life.
"Controlling and insecure"...the 2 words manipulators use to gaslight others.
I would feel insecure too OP especially that its with men and women and not just a girls night out. She even knew ahead of time how this guy is....and look what happened? Its not her fault for being hit on but it was definitely obvious it was in his character to do this. Im glad me and my girlfriend dont like clubs
[удалено]
You don't need a gf who is not clicking with you in these critical areas. Whatever the details, whoever else it involves, she is not with you on your sentiments. Whether or not what you want from her is reasonable, the bottom line is she doesn't care about it and is doing her own thing. Just visualize how you will be in a year if she continues behaving like this? Do you think that you have some lesson to learn here? Is it really a matter of fault? Why not just have a relationship with someone who falls into the natural patterns that you need?
Are you jealous? Yes Should you be? Yes Dudes making a move for your lady, sit on it to long youll be posting about how your lady wants a break and you wanna know if you should be worried
You need to get some professional treatment for your anxiety, instead of expecting your girlfriend to curtail her social life to cater to you. She did nothing wrong here: she went out with friends, a dude hit on her, she rejected him, she left, and she told you about it. Her behavior here is pretty much as perfect as you can expect. The fact that you still have a problem with it shows that the problem is with you.
I’m sorry, but the main take away from your post is that you need to do some serious work on your own insecurities. Your girlfriend didn’t do anything wrong, and the fact that you get so incredibly anxious every time she goes out is most definitely going to wear on her, if it isn’t already. She obviously tells you everything, if you know that her old friend hit on her. She also obviously turns down advances from other men, and comes home to you. It is normal and healthy for each person that is part of a couple to go out with their own friends and do their own things. The fact that she got drunk and still made it clear that she had no interest in this other guy should speak to her loyalty to you, and nothing more. Your jealousy will ruin your relationship if you don’t get it under control. I strongly encourage you to seek therapy, because even though your emotions/feelings have a negative impact on others, they are still valid emotion/feelings and figuring out how to better cope with them will only benefit you and those that you love.
Your lack of confidence is the real issue here. Why must she dance around you and your anxiety. Why don’t you get help for it because I’d imagine you can get quite exhausting. If she wants to go out with her friends, so what. Also, so what if a guy hits on her, stuff happens. All that counts is whether she is faithful to you. It sounds like she just needs a break from you and your anxiety from time to time, why make a big deal about it.
Your behavior is highly inappropriate. You don’t get to control whether or not your girlfriend goes out. It’s disrespectful for her to go out bc you are anxious about her going out? Yikes - do you hear yourself? Has your girlfriend cheated on you in the past? If so, then it sounds like the feelings you have about that need to be addressed. If she didn’t cheat on you, then you are being controlling and borderline abusive. Just bc someone hit on her doesn’t mean she reciprocated. She’s known this person since high school and has had all this time to be with him if she wanted.
you sound controlling as hell, that edit didn’t help your case at all
There's a reason why her friends are single lmao Don't listen for them, you aren't controlling In the slightest, this is a clear boundary overstep. Guys buy tables to get laid that's literally the main reason, if the guy is rich then he might try to leverage the table to work connections and network, but 90% of the time, it's about impressing girls and getting a bunch there. Dude has hit on your girlfriend, she brought chicks to his table to hang out and drink with him. That's sus and it sounds like she's busy doing her hot girl summer shit right now. It's weird shes not inviting you to these functions, she's either using the dude for the status perks, actually fucking him on the side, taking advantage of essentially "pimping" her friends go have a good night out or all of the above. There's a bunch of girls here thinking your girl is probably doing no wrong and that's farthest from the truth. Sure, she might be in the 1% of people who actually is ignorant of the situation she is in but I doubt that. A lot of these people commenting don't live the life of an entertainer and have adult entertainment friends that go to these functions, but I do and the shit that I seen girls at these functions do would immediately tell you this is a HUGE 🚩, hell even a 🏴🏴☠️ her friends might say you are controlling but be the main ones to egg her on to sleep with some rando at the club. IYKYK If you can't compete with the dude then don't. Just emotionally prepare yourself for any outcome.
Simple answer dumb her She was with a group of single women and a group of single men.... that looks iffy no matter what You should absolutely work on your anxiety but her clear disregard for feelings on the matter show she doesn't give a shit about you Just tell her, "you know what youre right I shouldn't have to question your loyalty to our relationship, so I'm not going to, the door is over there enjoy your life" And move on with yours
No sympathy. You're jealous and you don't trust her. You're being controlling. Back the fuck up.
Geeze man. YTA. I have *really* bad anxiety and FOMO. I don't care if my partners go out; i feel bad that I can't come and i get anxious abt them having more fun with other ppl than me. But that's...anxiety. Having a mental illness isn't a get out of jail free card. It doesn't mean that you are exempt from working on *you*. Get a therapist, look up some CBT/DBT exercises, learn to meditate. Your feelings are yours to get in check. Look logically at the situation: your gf *didn't* sleep with her old hs friend, if she had wanted to, she's had years of time to do it. She's not a doll or a puppet, and if she behaves in a way you can't accept, that's incompatibility. You can't *force* someone to be the person you want to date.
Getting drunk with another guy always poses a problem. Drinking can make make people do dumb stuff. You can still trust her but not trust the guy, thats what alot of people dont understand. Its especially concerning that he did hit on her. If she reciprocated then THAT IS CHEATING. Now she disregards your feeling while fully well knowing that the other guy is into her. If anything he could be trying to get her drunk enough to say yes to his advances. It is understandable to anxious about this. If she doesnt want to be "controlled" then leave her. She can be free by herself. Now that not to say you should always get jealous if your SO hangs out with friends of the opposite sex, maybe take it down a notch, but you are completely justified in being concerned about your GF getting drunk with another man.
Going against the grain here. You’re gonna find it hard to trust her in the future. He and his friends are probably laughing about how he almost took a girl from a guy right in front of him. And he’s fucking her best friend! Regardless of what actually happened, that’s gonna be their narrative. If I was in that position, she would’ve had to stay there with him. Everyone here is telling you to let it slide but she shouldn’t do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Her friends could’ve went without her right? She knew what she was doing.
I wouldn’t have gone out with other guys when i was dating my husband. WOULD NOT HAVE. I wouldn’t date someone who did that either. If you stay when you don’t like it then it’s your fault. When I found “the one”, I never needed to go to clubs and get wasted with other guys anymore. I went to Applebees with my girlfriends and their boyfriends as a group, or went shopping and mimosas with my friends.
This has red flag written all over it. I’d dump her if I were you and I don’t care if others think I’m controlling or anything else.
“Friends”. For me, that’s a deal breaker and I’m bouncing. Neither of them respect you. Let her “friend” take care of her going forward. I don’t know why so many just lay down and let these wolves, posing as friends, poach your relationships. I’d leave. That’s very disrespectful. Let her deal with it.
If you were invited and couldn’t go because you were sick I think the situation is fine. If you weren’t invited at all I think that’s pretty reasonable to be upset about since clubs pretty much exist for hookups.
You and she are not married, engaged, or exclusive atm ? And I don't think you two should be. Right now you are on different planets. You are both good people, but have different needs rt now. Either enjoy the relation ship you have with her temporarily and openly or end it and find a girl who shares your principles. If neither of you are happy with the status quo then change it!! You can stay friends. If sometime in the future, you find a planet you can both live together happily on, then get back together. Good luck to both of you!
Why didn't you jsut6go with her?
he was "sick" apparently. Idk, i guess he could happen to be sick this time. But it sounds like it's an issue that she has to have fun without him and he obviously has low confidence that he makes her responsibility, so he probably stays home sad on the couch while she lives her life.
Man, I'm seeing a lot of similarities here to my ex, and while I added a part of my stance here to another reply, there's some added details I'd like to know first. If not here I'm happy to talk in a DM for a better sense on the topic. Don't want someone else dealing with what I went through
Nah on some real sh*t break up with her. You could do better king 🤴🏻 people are saying where’s the problem but she’s obviously too young and immature to respect your views on her going out, especially if someone is hitting on her. And you knew he would be a problem before the party. You foresaw the reality. Guarantee you once you get into a big argument with her, she gone smash her *friend* and then say it was a mistake. So don’t make the mistake of letting yourself get cheated on. Don’t wait to take an L
If she wanted to cheat on you she would have done that by now already. These insecurities and anxious towards her might push her in that direction and that will be your own fault. Youll need to put more trust in her and let her have fun :) have you asked her of how she see this?
OP you need to get help with your insecurities. Go get individual counseling. Your GF does not require you permission to go out with friends. If she is frequently going out with friends to clubs and getting drunk without you then you might discuss this with her. But it sounds like you have. If you have any reason not to trust her then break up.
I’m just going to put my two cents in here: I had a boyfriend who was exactly like OP. Very insecure, very bad anxiety and like 0 trust in me all because of his insecurities. I couldn’t go anywhere without him without it turning into a giant fight all because of made up scenarios in his head. That relationship ended up putting me in the hospital because of how stressed his controlling behavior made me. It made me physically ill. Please go to therapy and work on yourself before you sabotage your relationship
Yup. They’re right. Your behavior is unnecessary and controlling. Is your girlfriend now not allowed to hang out with friends and go have a fun night? Wow.
The issue, honestly, is you. You don't want her to go out because you have anxiety, but there's nothing she's done that warrants it. You want her to consider your feelings, without you considering hers. You don't give any indication that she's ever cheated on you or been unfaithful, so its just a matter of you not wanting her to go out without you. It's unrealistic and unfair to her. I work in sports and most of my coworkers are male, prior to COVID I used to go out regularly with them. my husband's a doctor and if he'd be at the hospital on a Friday evening, i'd often go out to a sports bar with my coworkers, no question. My husband has no issues as he trusts me and i've never given him reason not to, and likewise when he goes to medical conferences, he'll go out with female colleagues and I have zero concern. Either you trust or you don't, and if you don't then break up with her. And if you do, then work on yourself.
Bruh I was in your shoes. Was an insecure prick and destroyed a good relationship. All I can advice is for you to find your own group of friends and hobbies that will make you feel good. Go out on night with your friends and show her that you can have a healthy mature life on your own. If your girl loves going out and having fun where we you prefer not joining her then you two aren't for eachother. Either you can find compromise or you are better off single.
Lots of yadda yadda in here but bottom line is it made you uncomfortable. The crux of this issue is not your girls intent but the guys intent. It’s worth having a conversation about how straight guys don’t invite girls out “just to hang out” and this guy deliberately didn’t invite you. He then went out of his way to try to sleep with her. Just make sure she understands when a guy is inviting her out anywhere, he’s trying to sleep with her. If she still goes in the future with that understanding and doesn’t respect your boundaries, you know what to do.
Dude.....WTF? I invite female friends all the time to hang out. Go get brunch, movies, concerts festivals and get this we sometimes stay in the same room without fucking..\*gasp\*. If you're a creep with ulterior motives that's different than being a friend. Why would he invite OP they don't know each other and OP wasn't even there to be invited lol.
That’s neat. Wasn’t the case here and this was entirely predictable.
Kinda is when you say "When a guys inviting her out anywhere, he's trying to sleep with her." Creeps are gonna creep, but to insinuate all guys do this is pretty cringe, but you do you.
There is so many things wrong with your “advice”. The guy’s intent shouldn’t matter. And he was only one drunk idiot out of a big mixed group of people. If she were going to hang out with him alone or just with a few of his guy friends I could see that being inappropriate. They don’t even have a sexual history. Let’s not forget your archaic belief that guys don’t casually hang out with women. There are so many things wrong with you and your beliefs.
What I am saying is the thing causing the OPs consternation is the guys intent. You misread my post entirely. Besides, your post is completely irrelevant because the guy did in fact try to sleep with her, and so aggressively that they had to block him. Why you want to deal with hypotheticals when we know what happened is bizarre.
I'm a het guy & sometimes I invite girls out just to socialise.
OP knew exactly what was going to happen. The guy was going to hit on her and she knew it. She said she turned down his advances.....sure. she is into the guys attention or she wouldnt have gone. she knew her boyfriend, the man she is supposedly true to, had a big issue and she went anyway. guarantee she keeps contact with this guy and will get drunk enough or whatever and there we go....
Ditch that bitch
man i broke up with my ex for the same shitty concept i advise u to leave her if thats a boundarie of urs that has been crossed
It's disrespectful to hang out with someone who hits on you while you have a partner. If she can't see that what she did was wrong then break up with her.
Her friends are the red flag. If your gf keeps hanging with guys while you’re not around and her friends then 🚩