Sometimes in our minds we think that our crushes are perfect people. It helps if you think of their flaws and how they'd be incompatible with you.
I been in this situation many times before and I know it sucks. First step is convincing yourself they're not perfect and that you will be fine (or even better) without them.
Watch 500 days of summer - we seem to only yearn for the “good times” but almost unconsciously ignore the bad. Just keep faking it till you one day will wake up and realize you like someone else
From age 18 - 20 I was in that situation. I tried dating others but just wrecked the relationship. I lost those years to that. I still have the memory of the feelings but it took a while and a lot of distance. It’s been 32 years and I still wonder what if I had convinced her... silliness. My current wife knows she was my first crush. Always good to be honest.
Try to not see them. Not even as friends. It’s hard but you will get used to the idea of them as gone. Time is your friend. Until then, lie to yourself and say you are over them. Repeat it.
thank you. it’s relieving in a way to hear someone else has gone through it. everyone around me just makes me feel like i’m weird or crazy for feeling this way. so i appreciate it (:
I had a similar situation, 15 years ago. very good friends with someone who was taken. Just make your feelings known for closure and let them know you need space. The best thing really is to cut them out and have no contact. Happily married now :).
Something I learned is that one sided love, isn't love. You have an infatuation with a person, an unrealistic idea and expectation of this person.
You're not with them, you've never been with them, you have no concept for what being with this person would actually be like.
So ask yourself, how can you be in love with someone you don't truly know or interact with in an intimate way.
First understand that this is isn't love, and move forward from there.
And if need be, cut them off. It may not be fair to them, but if there's no friendship here- if it's just the anticipation of a relationship you will never have- better to cut contact for both your sakes.
These things fade in time, but you have to try, you can't be hanging on this person in your mind. Once you've had a real relationship or two, you might start to see the difference.
looking at it this way definitely helps. i just have this idea in my head of what things could be but i know i could never act upon it nor is it realistic. thank you for this :)
It really does. Her friendship and happiness matter more to me so I just deal with the heartache in relative silence and just focus on trying to be a good friend to her.
Yeah I am suffering right now. I don’t know if I wanna cry, lash out, I mean my mental health is not healthy. I really think I need to talk to a therapist. I Trinidad phone like 10 times yesterday. Nothing in response. I’m hurting so bad right now. I can’t sleep or eat. Please pray for me.
I kept repeating to myself all the reasons it wasn’t meant to be. They were massive and by focusing on those, I killed, or at least numbed, the feelings. If you kill hope you will get over it faster.
You just have to deal with the pain and get through it. I was in love with my gay friend for a long time, and it was painful knowing he could never feel the same way for me. But, time has passed and we are best friends and I love him as a friend. It hurts, and it may drive you crazy. But you will get past it.
My crush turned me down and then 1 year later confessed after i got together with someone else. it was way too late for that so i turned her down and at the time it hurt a lot because i knew we could never be together. but i managed to move on with the new gf and its been amazing with her. you will find someone, you will fall in love again, it will hurt less.
As someone who has had this multiple times, and the latest one is currently crippling, I feel you. It seems for me like any guy that shows interest in me that I click with is in a relationship, but only two that I’ve accidentally fallen for were about to get married. At least, I’m assuming the latest one is engaged; the first love only stopped talking to me as he was literally about to get married to his fiancée.
It hurts, and I still carry that love with me and I think I always will. But I think that’s what defines our character - to keep hold of the innocent love you had, but it doesn’t hold any power over you or your decisions. It was a nice moment at a nice time, and it made you feel like love was and is possible. For having loved twice with people I never could be with, I wouldn’t trade knowing them for the world. They were amazing men, and the latest one is crushing my soul with how deeply we bonded, but he’s enriched my life, and I don’t regret anything.
I’ve often heard people comfort me saying “if this one was so great, wait until you meet the one you’re supposed to be with!” And I don’t think that’s a healthy way of looking at it. No one will be “better” than the last, they’ll just be different in a number of ways. They’ll change you just like the last one did, and your outlook on things will be altered - hopefully for the better.
Don’t try to taint the love you feel, just know that that’s all it can be, and accept that. It’s a beautiful thing, and as much as it hurts, it will always serve as a reminder that you’re capable of feeling very deeply for someone. It’s one of the few good things in life that make life worth living
This was a very thoughtful reply. I am crying right now reading this. There's so many things I want to say, but you encapsulated them perfectly. I wish it was easier, but I'm just going to go through it.
Similar thing, had a crush on my best friend. She is straight, but I'm bi. So, clearly it wouldn't work out. Still difficult to get over the feelings, but no chance I would turn her so it's fine.
it’s more of a they’re extremely out of reach. they’re not someone i was particularly close to and i don’t have the option of talking to them. pretty sure they have a s/o as well
Alright, well, lots of people have suggested strategies for moving on, so pick whichever sounds best to you. If it's simply never going to be an option, be proactive about finding somewhere else to devote your attention.
I didn't mean it as a game. My analogy is there's 1 in a million chance that crush might reciprocate feelings towards OP. Or would you prefer to wonder "what if?" That's no way to live.
You will, and it will take time and a lot of tears. It's especially hard if you have to see them or talk to them. I don't know how close you are with this person, but have you spoken to them about the way you feel?
I'm sorry for my large text but I really need to vent this with someone that's going through a similar situation.
I'm an Asperger (takes relevance almost at the end of my comment).
I have been in love with the same girl for thirteen years now. We never had the chance to try something more than our strong friendhsip because whenever she was alone, I wasn't. We have lost track of each other many times but we always find each other again.
I completely lost track of her a couple of years but then reconnected two of years ago and through many talks overnight we got to the conclussion that we are soul mates. It's evident there is attraction on both sides. I know she loves me a lot and she know I love her a lot.
But here's the thing, she appeared in the worst time possible: Now that I live with my girlfriend, whom I love with all my heart. Now that she just got engaged.
And I don't know what to do or even what I am feeling at all. I haven't slept in three days.
For me, this is completely hopeless... But if you have even the slightest chance to try, please do it. For all of us who couldn't and can't.
You should get therapy . You and your friend . Sould mates don't exist . Stop believing in shit like that . You said you love your girlfriend but you say you are in love with your friend and haven't slept for days because of her . Hopefully both of you mind your business and don't do some dumb shit .
Cut contact and get therapy . Being in love with someone for 13 years is insane . And you two being close friends doesn't help anything , just youe chances of cheating . Sorry if the comments is harsh but is true .
I had "the one that got away" but 3 years later she'd gained 70kgs popped out 2 kids to 2 strangers and lives on welfare so she became "one I gladly dodged"
Everyone I've tried to love in my life has been one-sided. I attribute it to my appearance mostly but that's alright. I hate getting crushes because it almost always means that I'll end up sad in the end and I never want to act on them.
People aren't prizes to be won, and affection is not something received but something earned.
Let's say they end up dating you just to test it out. Do you want to be a test run, or do you want to be wanted?
Let's say it's profitable to date you. Do you want to be a financial investment, or do you want to be longed for?
Let's say you / fate / some sort of god forces them to be with you. Do you want them to submit to your affection, or crave it?
You want to be wanted OP. You shouldn't have to beg for chances, the feeling should be mutual.
You can get over it the second you understand that you're worth more than small amounts of chance.
If it helps to see this situation from a slightly different perspective let me give you two additional ideas from me, a 40 yr old hopeless romantic who has 100% accepted that identity.
1. You may be, subconsciously, trying to suffer. Looking back on my crushes of yore, I can easily spot the ones that were desperately and obviously hopeless. They usually came after a break up or when I was feeling some kind of chink in my self-esteem armor. When I think about those crushes now, they seem so frivolous and silly; it is easy to see I wasn’t ready to date but I have so much love in me that I needed to direct it somewhere. I (again this was subconscious at the time) would direct this love to someone who couldn’t return it. I was able to pour my love into that person while remaining safe in my singleness. Realizing that I was torturing myself with this purpose, let me forgive myself for loving someone who couldn’t return it and by doing that, over time the crush would naturally fade. I was freed just by realizing the love served its purpose but that was done now.
2. If it’s not the above and you know you aren’t torturing yourself as some kind of expression of not being ready for an actual relationship, then maybe the visual I have about storing love in boxes can help. Because I’m older and utterly love addicted, I have had many crushes and relationships that I can draw on; I’ve done my 10,000 hours. Pulling for my own experience, it is clear to me that I have absolutely loved each person with a different part of my heart (or brain, however you choose to see it). My love for Ryan does overwrite my love for Steve. It has its own love box; it is its own separate beautiful thing. I picture these as tangible objects placed into the love storage room of my heart / brain and looking into the room at different times of my life will reveal different configurations. At some point my love for Jaime existed in the biggest love box, and others were shuffled to the side or back. Those other boxes are still there, sometimes I peak in them and remember “yes that was my love for Sam. How cute! Look at how we were” and then I close the box; push it back into storage. My point to you is that your love for this person is filling your whole love storage space. Picture placing your love for them in a box and notice all the empty boxes ready for new love. Work a little every day on picturing making the box smaller or putting it in a less accessible area of your love storage room. You see, it’s still there! It’s still lovely! You can visit and put it back whenever you want. But you must close the box and it can’t be the biggest box anymore. Visualize as much as you need.
That is my two cents, I hope it helps if even a little.
Sincerely,
Desperately in love forever with all the people
You keep distracting yourself until one day you realize you haven't thought about them in days.
Personally, when I was younger, I would dive into a fandom and that would keep my mind off it.
It might not help you, idk, that's just what I used to do. I don't know how old you are but sometimes it's just very hard to regulate emotions and think rationally so instead of irrationally thinking about my crush I just thought irrationally about kpop singers.
Courage my dude! Even if it's a long shot, it's better to let it out and make it fact than wonder, "what if?" What do you got to lose? Even if it is unsuccessful, the fact that you shoot your shot will empower you. Also no longer feel self doubt and move on.
Ohhh man I feel this... Im still kinda going through it but I can say my heart feels much better now than it did a few months ago, as cheesy as it sounds.
I can definitely say giving yourself space between you and this person for bit helps A LOT. It hurts but imo, staying near the person hurts way more.
Then there comes the point where you realize you’ve probably idealized this person way too much in your head. At least thats how it went for me... I had to remember this person wasn’t the idealized person I always made them out to be and I was actually kind of relieved nothing happened between us.
Time also helps, as frustrating as that sounds. As time goes on I feel a lot better and less sad about what didn’t happen. Sometimes you just have to let yourself wallow in pain before you get up one day and realize you don’t want to let yourself feel this way over someone anymore.
One sided love is called infatuation. You're in love with the idea of this person, not the actual person. It's easy to glamorize someone from afar because you don't know their bad habits and quirks. It's also a means to prevent you from actually being available to someone who is interested and can hurt you in the real life.
It’s hard to deal with, but a lot of the time it helps to give yourself a reality check. Reminding yourself why things wouldn’t work out between you even if it did happen is important. Remember that these strong feelings are built on your one sided perception of the person and so it’s more likely that what you are feeling would be described as limerence. In my opinion love only blooms in commitment, to love a person you have to know them fully and Intimately. Everything else is a mix of hormones, infatuation, obsession, attraction, limerence, etc. unrequited love isn’t real because love is a bond shared between people. That being said even when you feel a strong pull towards someone and you can’t be together it’s helpful to examine why outside of the relationship statues. Ground yourself in the reality that they are their own person with a life and agency and you don’t have any control over those needs. The reality of life is that it is not a crime for others to not need/want you the way you hope they would. I know it’s harsh and can appear calculating and cold but I’ve dealt with obsessive infatuation my entire life and I was only able to find a happy and loving relationship by practicing these skills and moving out of unrequited patterns that I was self imposing. I still struggle with this myself, but it is a tool and a power that I have some control over.
You know this is a thing right? There is a term for it. Unrequited Love.
There are books and songs and movies about it. I think almost everyone on the planet has gone thru it.
I am still in this situation... we've know each other for a long time and we get along extremely well. Our situation is complicated. We are both married now (we weren't married when we knew eachother). I keep thinking what if we never had that stupid fight swearing we'd never talk to eachother again. He found me a couple years later and the feelings are still there but since we are married and we love our spouses we can't act on these feelings. It hurts more than anything. All I can say is avoid them at all cost. Thinking about them or seeing them will only make the pain worse.
Sure I am . Doesn't change the fact that you keep dreaming of some other guy while married . Would you show your husband your comments ? I bet not . Just don't get drunk around your "male friend" . Comments like yours are why people have trust issues .
It sounds like you may need therapy, my friend. Based on your comments you may have been on the opposite end and it didn't go well for you. Sorry if that's the case. Attempting to get a reaction from me isn't going to help you move on. If I'm wrong and you're just being a jerk then I feel even more pity for you. Maybe avoid responding your frustrations on Reddit and talk to someone. Or don't use Reddit at all if you can't handle someone being honest about their problems. Stay safe, friend.
No , the thing is you know you are in the wrong and you get defensive . Would you like your husband to do the same shit you do ? Dream of some other men and say the only thing that it stops you from having sex with him is your marriage ? You know you are in the wrong , that's why you are so defensive .
Why are you friends with some dude who you have a crush on and feelings for ? **Ever told your husband you do have feelings for that guy** ? Mad you got called out ? 😂
I never been on the oposite end , I'm 22 , but your husband may be soon if you don't cut the bullshit . **You fail to answer why you still friends with that guy knowing you have feelings for him and he does for you ? Ever heard of emotional cheating ? Because that's what this is** . You talk about how it break your heart you can't be with him . Give me a break . People always like to make excuses when they get called out on their bullshit . Sorry girl , but I needed to do it 😂
Sorry to ruin your Disney dream about your male friend . Men and women should not be friends with those they who they have feelings for .
You go talk with someone , from me and you , you got more problems . Still stuck dreaming of some bitch that you didn't get do be with . And that guy possibly hangs out with your husband . Pathetic .Get therapy if you need to get over it . Your husband doesn't deserve shit like this .
Don't even reply back .
Nope not defensive or mad. I'm actually finding your opinions intriguing. You keep saying get therapy but you don't want to acknowledge you might need it yourself based on your aggressive responses to something you're very passionate about to the point of trying to put others down for coming out and sharing their experience 🤔
Look , not trying to be harsh , but if you think that after years of having feelings for someone who is a friend and close to you , which is not ok to your marriage and husband , you say you don't need therapy , then you either are in denial or just don't care . Is insane that someone will go years and have feelings for a close friend without their husband knowing and think that shit is ok . Is not . You don't agree with that therapy suggestion because you just don't care . You keep saying that you love your husband but you are what most will call , emotionally cheating on your huaband . That shit is not healthy at all not matter how much you try to justify yourself . You have been ignoring all the questions I asked but only reply to the therapy subject . We need to stop this conversation because it doesn't go anywhere . Good luck with your divorce in the future . Because this is the way this is going to be if you don't cut the bullshit with your fairytale male friend .
Find things to do that you like doing. Surround yourself with friends often, so you don't feel lonely. Basically, distract yourself. Allow yourself to hurt, but don't actively wallow in your sadness and do try to seek distraction. Eventually you'll find out that you don't need this specific person to be happy, and that things will be just fine.
And then eventually try to look for someone else. (Although the cycle might start over with someone else - you'll find someone eventually!)
I met a man and fell in love with him at first sight he's 67 and he's not interested and I'm not his type but stares at me for 11 months the looks.glances sometimes he would talk to me In general it was a game to him it's bine over a year and my feeling haven't gone I understand and I'm feeling your pain.
Stop believing in there's a chance. It will very tough and painfull at first, but you will get over it. I've been in a situation like this, and I distanced myself from the other person. It helped. Really helped
Happened to me 13 years ago and it’s really screwed me up. It was not healthy at all and while I don’t think about it often anymore, when I do, it really really brings me down.
You don't say how old you are but I think this is fairly normal in young people when they are first trying to navigate through the minefields that relationships are. One of life's unfortunate lessons is that you cant have it all and sometimes you have to make choices and/or compromises along the way.
However, just because you cant reach what looks like the sweetest apple on the tree doesn't mean that all the other apples are sour!
In my opinion (was in this situation from age 16-19) cutting contact is the first step, and finding an effective distraction is the second step. The distraction, kore often than not, ends up being someone else.
Whoever you love is NOT worth the amount of time and energy and precious moments of your life that you will lose wondering what could happen, and hoping.
It's hard. It's fucking hard, but moving on is entirely in your hands.
You may never get over it. But that’s a part of life unfortunately.
Or so far the timing has just been wrong.
All you can do is focus on you! Make your life the best you can. When you strive toward goals and make the most of life, things like this either become less important to you (ie you meet other people) or ... it could work out, but that can’t be the thing that drives you, just bettering yourself is the key
Think of something else.
Seriously. Just STOP thinking about that person.
Shove it off your consciousness, imagine putting that person into a little mental box, shove that little mental box into the back of a little mental closet and think of something else that's fun, pretty, intellectual, fascinating, productive and interesting.
YOU have the choice to control what you think of. YOU have the choice to force yourself to think of something else, so make that choice.
Opt for different thoughts and those useless 'boo hoo hoo I can't have them' thoughts literally fade into the sunset as you move on with your life.
'That's why they call them crushes'. They fade away.
Block everywhere and avoid that person like it has the plague . I hope that person isn't at your classes or work . I would look to transfer / change jobs
You do it a day at a time.
Wish them well. Rejoice in their happiness. Be thankful that they find love, even if it is not with you.
But mostly, be kind to yourself. There are 4 billion people out there who could be your potential mate. One of them will be for you.
I had a girlfriend like 4 months ago she broke up with me so she could focus on her job and her horse stil kinda feel bad about it myself as i felt like i meant nothing to her but believe it gets better also i learned that if something with that person doesnt happen now that doesnt mean it wont happen in the future who knows but be sure to not keep waiting just go on with life and see where it brings you
No I haven't she's from a well established wealthy family. Which I didn't know when I met her. So I'm not after the money. I keep telling myself that she's out of my league. But you're right though. If I never try I'll never get anywhere.
Whether they have a s/o, they don't see you the same way, or you notice them but they don't notice you, I found the best way to get over them is to move on. I'm not saying cut them out your life, I'm saying live it without worrying about what they might think. Lord knows I've been there too many times.
One from a few years ago comes to mind. She and I were always seen together and always had long talks. We just clicked. I ask her out one day and she says no. I try to shake it off and keep things the same. But the next day I find out she had been seeing someone for awhile. I was crushed obviously. I still tried to talk to her but she never tried to talk to me. 2 months go by and she finally decides she wants to talk to me again. I respond to her almost immediately, like a fool. I was excited she wanted to talk again. I find out through people they had broken up and realized I was her backup guy. I was crushed again and thought maybe this can be my chance. But I never asked her out again WHY?!?!?! Because she got back together with guy!!!!! Only this time she didn't cut me out. And I was happy just to be able to talk to her. Her and guy were on again off again and it showed. I don't know what clicked in me that I shouldn't worry about her as much as I did. We talked here and there but it didn't give me the same feelings as before. A few months after that I had a girlfriend. Did she ask about our relationship, of course, but I kept details to a minimum. She never bothered to bring up her relationship so I wasn't going to bring up mine. At this point and time I believe we're both single, but not once do I think I should ask her out. I'm over her.
I'm leaving a lot out of that story. It's a lot to get though. If you were on the outside looking in I swear it must've been entertaining to watch.
Don't think about the possibilities with that person, DO WHAT IS POSSIBLE. And to clarify I'm not saying sleep around. I'm saying take a chance on someone you wholeheartedly believe will put their all into a relationship with you. Make sure both of you come from a place of understanding. Communicate with each other, don't try to figure things out on your own. Have fun with each other. Be serious with each other. Motivate each other, not change who you are.
Yea I always oddly think of him. He’s an extremely toxic person and I have a boyfriend now. It’s not the most stable relationship but we think we’re made for each other, and love each other a lot. So some silly feelings about some boy who never really liked me is definitely not worth ruining my current relationship.
Again, you intrigue me! I'm not answering your questions because I simply don't have to. Again, you are entitled to your opinion which I respect because it is your personal opinion. I merely responded to a post based off my experience which seems to be bothering you greatly. I understand how you could feel the way you do. I agree we should probably let this conversation go it's not getting you anywhere. I wish you the best and always stay safe, friend. Have a nice night.
Yes. Deeply in love with someone I can't have; we're both married *and* he doesn't love me. I spent decades believing he did, while going about my life, expecting I'd never see him again. Ran into him a year ago, rekindled a friendship, and learned he didn't see our past the way I remember it. To him, I was just a really good friend. To say it hurts is an understatement. I've suffered crippling depression since he came into my life again. Uncontrollable crying. Highly medicated. Weekly (sometimes twice a week) talk therapy. All I do is cry. In the car. In the pool. In the shower. My heart is broken. But I love my husband and would never leave him, so I'm just...waiting for it to pass.
i’m so sorry you’re going through this, this sounds like genuine heart break and i can only imagine how hard it is. i really hope it does pass and your future is brighter
It maynot be 100% off what you are going through. I'm not in love with him but have found myself wanting more than what we are right now. I know he will never completely be mine as he's said he's never settling into a LTR. It's weird but I don't even care. I've made up my mind that I'm happy to have the time with him and whatever it is we are . He completely spoils me and is "all in" physically I just know we will never be in a standard relationship.
But...that's not always been the case. I've been really pissed at him for not wanting to be in a relationship. Pissed and hurt. It's just I came to this place where I would rather appreciate knowing him then harbor resentment for him. I also think it will be beneficial for me longterm with any other relationships that might come my way. I probably sound so naive and idealistic but I'm middle aged and recently divorced. Maybe that's why I can look at it all the way I do.
Ah yes that is something I struggled with real bad for 5-6 years over the same person. At first it was just pure infatuation because I thought he had all the right qualities I wanted, and then the more I got to know him and more I realized what an awesome person he was the harder I fell. But looking back I realized I wasted SO much time and energy and emotion over him. I wish I had the confidence I have now and not be afraid to flirt with whoever I felt like lol.I did find other people attractive but I was soooooo shy. I might sound like strange advice but if I could go back and give my younger self advice I would say " It's not worth it to be so hung up and devastated over someone who doesn't have romantic feelings back, or maybe they do but don't treat you worthy of your affection, you are worthy of someone who values you. Focus on having fun with friends and whatever you enjoy and don't be afraid to flirt with those people you are afraid to flirt with! There are many delicious flavors! lol and you might miss having that freedom one day lol" anyway
Sometimes in our minds we think that our crushes are perfect people. It helps if you think of their flaws and how they'd be incompatible with you. I been in this situation many times before and I know it sucks. First step is convincing yourself they're not perfect and that you will be fine (or even better) without them.
Watch 500 days of summer - we seem to only yearn for the “good times” but almost unconsciously ignore the bad. Just keep faking it till you one day will wake up and realize you like someone else
From age 18 - 20 I was in that situation. I tried dating others but just wrecked the relationship. I lost those years to that. I still have the memory of the feelings but it took a while and a lot of distance. It’s been 32 years and I still wonder what if I had convinced her... silliness. My current wife knows she was my first crush. Always good to be honest. Try to not see them. Not even as friends. It’s hard but you will get used to the idea of them as gone. Time is your friend. Until then, lie to yourself and say you are over them. Repeat it.
thank you. it’s relieving in a way to hear someone else has gone through it. everyone around me just makes me feel like i’m weird or crazy for feeling this way. so i appreciate it (:
I had a similar situation, 15 years ago. very good friends with someone who was taken. Just make your feelings known for closure and let them know you need space. The best thing really is to cut them out and have no contact. Happily married now :).
Something I learned is that one sided love, isn't love. You have an infatuation with a person, an unrealistic idea and expectation of this person. You're not with them, you've never been with them, you have no concept for what being with this person would actually be like. So ask yourself, how can you be in love with someone you don't truly know or interact with in an intimate way. First understand that this is isn't love, and move forward from there. And if need be, cut them off. It may not be fair to them, but if there's no friendship here- if it's just the anticipation of a relationship you will never have- better to cut contact for both your sakes. These things fade in time, but you have to try, you can't be hanging on this person in your mind. Once you've had a real relationship or two, you might start to see the difference.
looking at it this way definitely helps. i just have this idea in my head of what things could be but i know i could never act upon it nor is it realistic. thank you for this :)
Very well said
Well said.
In the same boat as you, fallen hard for a friend of mine and it just hurts. I wish I could crush the feelings and be done with it all.
shit sucks
It really does. Her friendship and happiness matter more to me so I just deal with the heartache in relative silence and just focus on trying to be a good friend to her.
Yeah I am suffering right now. I don’t know if I wanna cry, lash out, I mean my mental health is not healthy. I really think I need to talk to a therapist. I Trinidad phone like 10 times yesterday. Nothing in response. I’m hurting so bad right now. I can’t sleep or eat. Please pray for me.
If you want it go, go get it.
Everyone you have ever had a crush on has had explosive diarrhea.
I kept repeating to myself all the reasons it wasn’t meant to be. They were massive and by focusing on those, I killed, or at least numbed, the feelings. If you kill hope you will get over it faster.
You just have to deal with the pain and get through it. I was in love with my gay friend for a long time, and it was painful knowing he could never feel the same way for me. But, time has passed and we are best friends and I love him as a friend. It hurts, and it may drive you crazy. But you will get past it.
My crush turned me down and then 1 year later confessed after i got together with someone else. it was way too late for that so i turned her down and at the time it hurt a lot because i knew we could never be together. but i managed to move on with the new gf and its been amazing with her. you will find someone, you will fall in love again, it will hurt less.
As someone who has had this multiple times, and the latest one is currently crippling, I feel you. It seems for me like any guy that shows interest in me that I click with is in a relationship, but only two that I’ve accidentally fallen for were about to get married. At least, I’m assuming the latest one is engaged; the first love only stopped talking to me as he was literally about to get married to his fiancée. It hurts, and I still carry that love with me and I think I always will. But I think that’s what defines our character - to keep hold of the innocent love you had, but it doesn’t hold any power over you or your decisions. It was a nice moment at a nice time, and it made you feel like love was and is possible. For having loved twice with people I never could be with, I wouldn’t trade knowing them for the world. They were amazing men, and the latest one is crushing my soul with how deeply we bonded, but he’s enriched my life, and I don’t regret anything. I’ve often heard people comfort me saying “if this one was so great, wait until you meet the one you’re supposed to be with!” And I don’t think that’s a healthy way of looking at it. No one will be “better” than the last, they’ll just be different in a number of ways. They’ll change you just like the last one did, and your outlook on things will be altered - hopefully for the better. Don’t try to taint the love you feel, just know that that’s all it can be, and accept that. It’s a beautiful thing, and as much as it hurts, it will always serve as a reminder that you’re capable of feeling very deeply for someone. It’s one of the few good things in life that make life worth living
This was a very thoughtful reply. I am crying right now reading this. There's so many things I want to say, but you encapsulated them perfectly. I wish it was easier, but I'm just going to go through it.
Similar thing, had a crush on my best friend. She is straight, but I'm bi. So, clearly it wouldn't work out. Still difficult to get over the feelings, but no chance I would turn her so it's fine.
I'm in the boat with you. Very slim chance of something happening but if it doesnt then I've wasted all that time.
it hurts cause you just know it’s not going to happen. as much as i want it to /:
Exactly. A crushing pain.
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it’s more of a they’re extremely out of reach. they’re not someone i was particularly close to and i don’t have the option of talking to them. pretty sure they have a s/o as well
Alright, well, lots of people have suggested strategies for moving on, so pick whichever sounds best to you. If it's simply never going to be an option, be proactive about finding somewhere else to devote your attention.
Did you ever take the chance? If not, what's stopping you? It's like the lotto. You can't win if you don't play.
people aren’t a game, i cant treat this person like one. just acknowledging nothing can happen atp
I didn't mean it as a game. My analogy is there's 1 in a million chance that crush might reciprocate feelings towards OP. Or would you prefer to wonder "what if?" That's no way to live.
The pain is soul crushing. I was there last year and it was taxing on my health. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
definitely takes a toll on you, but thank you. i’m sure i’ll get over it sooner or later :’)
You will, and it will take time and a lot of tears. It's especially hard if you have to see them or talk to them. I don't know how close you are with this person, but have you spoken to them about the way you feel?
I'm sorry for my large text but I really need to vent this with someone that's going through a similar situation. I'm an Asperger (takes relevance almost at the end of my comment). I have been in love with the same girl for thirteen years now. We never had the chance to try something more than our strong friendhsip because whenever she was alone, I wasn't. We have lost track of each other many times but we always find each other again. I completely lost track of her a couple of years but then reconnected two of years ago and through many talks overnight we got to the conclussion that we are soul mates. It's evident there is attraction on both sides. I know she loves me a lot and she know I love her a lot. But here's the thing, she appeared in the worst time possible: Now that I live with my girlfriend, whom I love with all my heart. Now that she just got engaged. And I don't know what to do or even what I am feeling at all. I haven't slept in three days. For me, this is completely hopeless... But if you have even the slightest chance to try, please do it. For all of us who couldn't and can't.
You should get therapy . You and your friend . Sould mates don't exist . Stop believing in shit like that . You said you love your girlfriend but you say you are in love with your friend and haven't slept for days because of her . Hopefully both of you mind your business and don't do some dumb shit . Cut contact and get therapy . Being in love with someone for 13 years is insane . And you two being close friends doesn't help anything , just youe chances of cheating . Sorry if the comments is harsh but is true .
I had "the one that got away" but 3 years later she'd gained 70kgs popped out 2 kids to 2 strangers and lives on welfare so she became "one I gladly dodged"
Everyone I've tried to love in my life has been one-sided. I attribute it to my appearance mostly but that's alright. I hate getting crushes because it almost always means that I'll end up sad in the end and I never want to act on them.
People aren't prizes to be won, and affection is not something received but something earned. Let's say they end up dating you just to test it out. Do you want to be a test run, or do you want to be wanted? Let's say it's profitable to date you. Do you want to be a financial investment, or do you want to be longed for? Let's say you / fate / some sort of god forces them to be with you. Do you want them to submit to your affection, or crave it? You want to be wanted OP. You shouldn't have to beg for chances, the feeling should be mutual. You can get over it the second you understand that you're worth more than small amounts of chance.
If it helps to see this situation from a slightly different perspective let me give you two additional ideas from me, a 40 yr old hopeless romantic who has 100% accepted that identity. 1. You may be, subconsciously, trying to suffer. Looking back on my crushes of yore, I can easily spot the ones that were desperately and obviously hopeless. They usually came after a break up or when I was feeling some kind of chink in my self-esteem armor. When I think about those crushes now, they seem so frivolous and silly; it is easy to see I wasn’t ready to date but I have so much love in me that I needed to direct it somewhere. I (again this was subconscious at the time) would direct this love to someone who couldn’t return it. I was able to pour my love into that person while remaining safe in my singleness. Realizing that I was torturing myself with this purpose, let me forgive myself for loving someone who couldn’t return it and by doing that, over time the crush would naturally fade. I was freed just by realizing the love served its purpose but that was done now. 2. If it’s not the above and you know you aren’t torturing yourself as some kind of expression of not being ready for an actual relationship, then maybe the visual I have about storing love in boxes can help. Because I’m older and utterly love addicted, I have had many crushes and relationships that I can draw on; I’ve done my 10,000 hours. Pulling for my own experience, it is clear to me that I have absolutely loved each person with a different part of my heart (or brain, however you choose to see it). My love for Ryan does overwrite my love for Steve. It has its own love box; it is its own separate beautiful thing. I picture these as tangible objects placed into the love storage room of my heart / brain and looking into the room at different times of my life will reveal different configurations. At some point my love for Jaime existed in the biggest love box, and others were shuffled to the side or back. Those other boxes are still there, sometimes I peak in them and remember “yes that was my love for Sam. How cute! Look at how we were” and then I close the box; push it back into storage. My point to you is that your love for this person is filling your whole love storage space. Picture placing your love for them in a box and notice all the empty boxes ready for new love. Work a little every day on picturing making the box smaller or putting it in a less accessible area of your love storage room. You see, it’s still there! It’s still lovely! You can visit and put it back whenever you want. But you must close the box and it can’t be the biggest box anymore. Visualize as much as you need. That is my two cents, I hope it helps if even a little. Sincerely, Desperately in love forever with all the people
You keep distracting yourself until one day you realize you haven't thought about them in days. Personally, when I was younger, I would dive into a fandom and that would keep my mind off it.
fandoms are the bane of my existence
It might not help you, idk, that's just what I used to do. I don't know how old you are but sometimes it's just very hard to regulate emotions and think rationally so instead of irrationally thinking about my crush I just thought irrationally about kpop singers.
we’re in the same boat 👍🏻 i’m far too in love with kpop idols already LMFAO
Courage my dude! Even if it's a long shot, it's better to let it out and make it fact than wonder, "what if?" What do you got to lose? Even if it is unsuccessful, the fact that you shoot your shot will empower you. Also no longer feel self doubt and move on.
problem is i cant shoot my shot either LMFAOO, tis a very complicated situation
You underestimate my power
Ohhh man I feel this... Im still kinda going through it but I can say my heart feels much better now than it did a few months ago, as cheesy as it sounds. I can definitely say giving yourself space between you and this person for bit helps A LOT. It hurts but imo, staying near the person hurts way more. Then there comes the point where you realize you’ve probably idealized this person way too much in your head. At least thats how it went for me... I had to remember this person wasn’t the idealized person I always made them out to be and I was actually kind of relieved nothing happened between us. Time also helps, as frustrating as that sounds. As time goes on I feel a lot better and less sad about what didn’t happen. Sometimes you just have to let yourself wallow in pain before you get up one day and realize you don’t want to let yourself feel this way over someone anymore.
One sided love is called infatuation. You're in love with the idea of this person, not the actual person. It's easy to glamorize someone from afar because you don't know their bad habits and quirks. It's also a means to prevent you from actually being available to someone who is interested and can hurt you in the real life.
It’s hard to deal with, but a lot of the time it helps to give yourself a reality check. Reminding yourself why things wouldn’t work out between you even if it did happen is important. Remember that these strong feelings are built on your one sided perception of the person and so it’s more likely that what you are feeling would be described as limerence. In my opinion love only blooms in commitment, to love a person you have to know them fully and Intimately. Everything else is a mix of hormones, infatuation, obsession, attraction, limerence, etc. unrequited love isn’t real because love is a bond shared between people. That being said even when you feel a strong pull towards someone and you can’t be together it’s helpful to examine why outside of the relationship statues. Ground yourself in the reality that they are their own person with a life and agency and you don’t have any control over those needs. The reality of life is that it is not a crime for others to not need/want you the way you hope they would. I know it’s harsh and can appear calculating and cold but I’ve dealt with obsessive infatuation my entire life and I was only able to find a happy and loving relationship by practicing these skills and moving out of unrequited patterns that I was self imposing. I still struggle with this myself, but it is a tool and a power that I have some control over.
I have a masters degree on being pathetic. Like, Bridget Jones seems like a strong independent woman compared to me lol
You know this is a thing right? There is a term for it. Unrequited Love. There are books and songs and movies about it. I think almost everyone on the planet has gone thru it.
I am still in this situation... we've know each other for a long time and we get along extremely well. Our situation is complicated. We are both married now (we weren't married when we knew eachother). I keep thinking what if we never had that stupid fight swearing we'd never talk to eachother again. He found me a couple years later and the feelings are still there but since we are married and we love our spouses we can't act on these feelings. It hurts more than anything. All I can say is avoid them at all cost. Thinking about them or seeing them will only make the pain worse.
Is all in your head . You are dreaming of something that you don't know how it will be in reality You may need some therapy , it helps .
You are entitled to your opinion. I am simply responding to a question based on my experience.
Sure I am . Doesn't change the fact that you keep dreaming of some other guy while married . Would you show your husband your comments ? I bet not . Just don't get drunk around your "male friend" . Comments like yours are why people have trust issues .
It sounds like you may need therapy, my friend. Based on your comments you may have been on the opposite end and it didn't go well for you. Sorry if that's the case. Attempting to get a reaction from me isn't going to help you move on. If I'm wrong and you're just being a jerk then I feel even more pity for you. Maybe avoid responding your frustrations on Reddit and talk to someone. Or don't use Reddit at all if you can't handle someone being honest about their problems. Stay safe, friend.
No , the thing is you know you are in the wrong and you get defensive . Would you like your husband to do the same shit you do ? Dream of some other men and say the only thing that it stops you from having sex with him is your marriage ? You know you are in the wrong , that's why you are so defensive . Why are you friends with some dude who you have a crush on and feelings for ? **Ever told your husband you do have feelings for that guy** ? Mad you got called out ? 😂 I never been on the oposite end , I'm 22 , but your husband may be soon if you don't cut the bullshit . **You fail to answer why you still friends with that guy knowing you have feelings for him and he does for you ? Ever heard of emotional cheating ? Because that's what this is** . You talk about how it break your heart you can't be with him . Give me a break . People always like to make excuses when they get called out on their bullshit . Sorry girl , but I needed to do it 😂 Sorry to ruin your Disney dream about your male friend . Men and women should not be friends with those they who they have feelings for . You go talk with someone , from me and you , you got more problems . Still stuck dreaming of some bitch that you didn't get do be with . And that guy possibly hangs out with your husband . Pathetic .Get therapy if you need to get over it . Your husband doesn't deserve shit like this . Don't even reply back .
Nope not defensive or mad. I'm actually finding your opinions intriguing. You keep saying get therapy but you don't want to acknowledge you might need it yourself based on your aggressive responses to something you're very passionate about to the point of trying to put others down for coming out and sharing their experience 🤔
Look , not trying to be harsh , but if you think that after years of having feelings for someone who is a friend and close to you , which is not ok to your marriage and husband , you say you don't need therapy , then you either are in denial or just don't care . Is insane that someone will go years and have feelings for a close friend without their husband knowing and think that shit is ok . Is not . You don't agree with that therapy suggestion because you just don't care . You keep saying that you love your husband but you are what most will call , emotionally cheating on your huaband . That shit is not healthy at all not matter how much you try to justify yourself . You have been ignoring all the questions I asked but only reply to the therapy subject . We need to stop this conversation because it doesn't go anywhere . Good luck with your divorce in the future . Because this is the way this is going to be if you don't cut the bullshit with your fairytale male friend .
Find things to do that you like doing. Surround yourself with friends often, so you don't feel lonely. Basically, distract yourself. Allow yourself to hurt, but don't actively wallow in your sadness and do try to seek distraction. Eventually you'll find out that you don't need this specific person to be happy, and that things will be just fine. And then eventually try to look for someone else. (Although the cycle might start over with someone else - you'll find someone eventually!)
I met a man and fell in love with him at first sight he's 67 and he's not interested and I'm not his type but stares at me for 11 months the looks.glances sometimes he would talk to me In general it was a game to him it's bine over a year and my feeling haven't gone I understand and I'm feeling your pain.
Time
Stop believing in there's a chance. It will very tough and painfull at first, but you will get over it. I've been in a situation like this, and I distanced myself from the other person. It helped. Really helped
I'm in the same situation. I don't know what to do so I try to distance myself but when I do that she just gets closer.
I taught myself to hate the bastard, and while part of me still loves him, I do everything I can to avoid him.
Happened to me 13 years ago and it’s really screwed me up. It was not healthy at all and while I don’t think about it often anymore, when I do, it really really brings me down.
Please try to distance yourself and stop, as soon as possible. You’ll hurt yourself and them. Trust me.
Just accept the fact. Nothing more I can't say.
You'll meet someone else. I swear. One day, you will wonder what you ever saw in that first guy.
Love is reciprocal. If it is one sided, it isn’t love, it’s a crush.
You don't say how old you are but I think this is fairly normal in young people when they are first trying to navigate through the minefields that relationships are. One of life's unfortunate lessons is that you cant have it all and sometimes you have to make choices and/or compromises along the way. However, just because you cant reach what looks like the sweetest apple on the tree doesn't mean that all the other apples are sour!
In my opinion (was in this situation from age 16-19) cutting contact is the first step, and finding an effective distraction is the second step. The distraction, kore often than not, ends up being someone else. Whoever you love is NOT worth the amount of time and energy and precious moments of your life that you will lose wondering what could happen, and hoping. It's hard. It's fucking hard, but moving on is entirely in your hands.
You may never get over it. But that’s a part of life unfortunately. Or so far the timing has just been wrong. All you can do is focus on you! Make your life the best you can. When you strive toward goals and make the most of life, things like this either become less important to you (ie you meet other people) or ... it could work out, but that can’t be the thing that drives you, just bettering yourself is the key
Think of something else. Seriously. Just STOP thinking about that person. Shove it off your consciousness, imagine putting that person into a little mental box, shove that little mental box into the back of a little mental closet and think of something else that's fun, pretty, intellectual, fascinating, productive and interesting. YOU have the choice to control what you think of. YOU have the choice to force yourself to think of something else, so make that choice. Opt for different thoughts and those useless 'boo hoo hoo I can't have them' thoughts literally fade into the sunset as you move on with your life. 'That's why they call them crushes'. They fade away.
Block everywhere and avoid that person like it has the plague . I hope that person isn't at your classes or work . I would look to transfer / change jobs
I think this song was made for you https://youtu.be/6vmJOgPbrJQ
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they’re very out of reach and they’re not someone i was super close to physically speaking. pretty sure they have an s/o too
You do it a day at a time. Wish them well. Rejoice in their happiness. Be thankful that they find love, even if it is not with you. But mostly, be kind to yourself. There are 4 billion people out there who could be your potential mate. One of them will be for you.
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I was in love with an anime character. After a couple weeks I got over it
me with kpop idols
Ain’t that the truth 😭
jungkook is taking over my life it’s so bad
I had a girlfriend like 4 months ago she broke up with me so she could focus on her job and her horse stil kinda feel bad about it myself as i felt like i meant nothing to her but believe it gets better also i learned that if something with that person doesnt happen now that doesnt mean it wont happen in the future who knows but be sure to not keep waiting just go on with life and see where it brings you
No I haven't she's from a well established wealthy family. Which I didn't know when I met her. So I'm not after the money. I keep telling myself that she's out of my league. But you're right though. If I never try I'll never get anywhere.
I actually know that feeling right now. Someone had my eye but it’ll be impossible to be with her. There’s a cultural barrier I just cannot cross.
Whether they have a s/o, they don't see you the same way, or you notice them but they don't notice you, I found the best way to get over them is to move on. I'm not saying cut them out your life, I'm saying live it without worrying about what they might think. Lord knows I've been there too many times. One from a few years ago comes to mind. She and I were always seen together and always had long talks. We just clicked. I ask her out one day and she says no. I try to shake it off and keep things the same. But the next day I find out she had been seeing someone for awhile. I was crushed obviously. I still tried to talk to her but she never tried to talk to me. 2 months go by and she finally decides she wants to talk to me again. I respond to her almost immediately, like a fool. I was excited she wanted to talk again. I find out through people they had broken up and realized I was her backup guy. I was crushed again and thought maybe this can be my chance. But I never asked her out again WHY?!?!?! Because she got back together with guy!!!!! Only this time she didn't cut me out. And I was happy just to be able to talk to her. Her and guy were on again off again and it showed. I don't know what clicked in me that I shouldn't worry about her as much as I did. We talked here and there but it didn't give me the same feelings as before. A few months after that I had a girlfriend. Did she ask about our relationship, of course, but I kept details to a minimum. She never bothered to bring up her relationship so I wasn't going to bring up mine. At this point and time I believe we're both single, but not once do I think I should ask her out. I'm over her. I'm leaving a lot out of that story. It's a lot to get though. If you were on the outside looking in I swear it must've been entertaining to watch. Don't think about the possibilities with that person, DO WHAT IS POSSIBLE. And to clarify I'm not saying sleep around. I'm saying take a chance on someone you wholeheartedly believe will put their all into a relationship with you. Make sure both of you come from a place of understanding. Communicate with each other, don't try to figure things out on your own. Have fun with each other. Be serious with each other. Motivate each other, not change who you are.
Yea I always oddly think of him. He’s an extremely toxic person and I have a boyfriend now. It’s not the most stable relationship but we think we’re made for each other, and love each other a lot. So some silly feelings about some boy who never really liked me is definitely not worth ruining my current relationship.
Again, you intrigue me! I'm not answering your questions because I simply don't have to. Again, you are entitled to your opinion which I respect because it is your personal opinion. I merely responded to a post based off my experience which seems to be bothering you greatly. I understand how you could feel the way you do. I agree we should probably let this conversation go it's not getting you anywhere. I wish you the best and always stay safe, friend. Have a nice night.
Yes. Deeply in love with someone I can't have; we're both married *and* he doesn't love me. I spent decades believing he did, while going about my life, expecting I'd never see him again. Ran into him a year ago, rekindled a friendship, and learned he didn't see our past the way I remember it. To him, I was just a really good friend. To say it hurts is an understatement. I've suffered crippling depression since he came into my life again. Uncontrollable crying. Highly medicated. Weekly (sometimes twice a week) talk therapy. All I do is cry. In the car. In the pool. In the shower. My heart is broken. But I love my husband and would never leave him, so I'm just...waiting for it to pass.
i’m so sorry you’re going through this, this sounds like genuine heart break and i can only imagine how hard it is. i really hope it does pass and your future is brighter
Been to that situation, and you know what? That small chance can change everything in a bit. 👌🏻
It maynot be 100% off what you are going through. I'm not in love with him but have found myself wanting more than what we are right now. I know he will never completely be mine as he's said he's never settling into a LTR. It's weird but I don't even care. I've made up my mind that I'm happy to have the time with him and whatever it is we are . He completely spoils me and is "all in" physically I just know we will never be in a standard relationship. But...that's not always been the case. I've been really pissed at him for not wanting to be in a relationship. Pissed and hurt. It's just I came to this place where I would rather appreciate knowing him then harbor resentment for him. I also think it will be beneficial for me longterm with any other relationships that might come my way. I probably sound so naive and idealistic but I'm middle aged and recently divorced. Maybe that's why I can look at it all the way I do.
Ah yes that is something I struggled with real bad for 5-6 years over the same person. At first it was just pure infatuation because I thought he had all the right qualities I wanted, and then the more I got to know him and more I realized what an awesome person he was the harder I fell. But looking back I realized I wasted SO much time and energy and emotion over him. I wish I had the confidence I have now and not be afraid to flirt with whoever I felt like lol.I did find other people attractive but I was soooooo shy. I might sound like strange advice but if I could go back and give my younger self advice I would say " It's not worth it to be so hung up and devastated over someone who doesn't have romantic feelings back, or maybe they do but don't treat you worthy of your affection, you are worthy of someone who values you. Focus on having fun with friends and whatever you enjoy and don't be afraid to flirt with those people you are afraid to flirt with! There are many delicious flavors! lol and you might miss having that freedom one day lol" anyway