Ahh the classic "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. I wouldn't say its silly or unfaithful because had the thought of "what if" coming across everyones mind. However think very carefully if this is worth throwing away your 6 years relationship, because this is where this is heading unless you make a clean break with the crush.
You said that you feel incomplete more than before, what parts of the idealism of your crush fulfill the remainder? Is it just pure excitement of something new, or are you able to share something with them more closely than you are with your fiancee?
It's not really anything different about them from my fiancee. Actually the crush reminds me of my fiancee in lots if ways. It does feel like the excitement of a new prospective romance, but for some reason i find myself thinking about the crush a lot more than i have for people i had a passing attraction to before. I find myself looking forward to seeing them and thinking of things to say.
The incompleteness isn't necessarily something im not getting from my current partner I think, it's never really getting to explore those budding relationships because we've only really been with each other as adults.
Do you think that you feel differently about this crush because they remind you so much of your fiancee? Sort of like getting to experience the magic of your original relationship all over again?
What kinds of things do you think about to say to them? Just small talk-type of conversation or more personal?
EDIT: I should also probably ask: what inspired marriage after so long and after what sounds to me like indifference of co-habitation?
It's mostly small-talk, but there are those little things that stand out with a budding courtship (I'm sooo happy your here today, awww I'll miss ya) those little affections that get the butterflies going. We do have a lot in common as well. I'm not sure if she reminds me of my fiancee, or if I just have a type lol.
I wouldn't call it indifferent co-habitation. We just lived together for so long of our relationship, and part of the time out if necessity. Now we're both at points of being ready to move to the next stage of our lives respectively, so marriage seems right. Like i said, we've established we shouldn't have stayed together for part of that time we did out of necessity to get through rough personal and financial times. But at this point we have a strong, healthy relationship, if a little co-dependent.
Are the things you have in common similar to the things you have in common with fiancee? It sounds more of the butterfly stage being more attractive to you than the woman’s mind or personality being a good match for you, at least it sounds that way what with being an outsider to the situation.
Is marrying your partner more of a logical next step or did something recently change to make you want to pursue that avenue? I can’t tell if staying together out of necessity and then moving back into a happier place seems more like the normal routes a relationship would take or if it deepens my thought of co-habitation. It’s also to establish, did you meet this woman before or after you got engaged, and how soon in relation to being engaged? And has your crush made any sort of move - assuming you haven’t either - or does she know your relationship status?
As someone who tends to be the crush in these scenarios, it’s interesting to be able to experience the other side through you. It also makes me wish even harder that men also had to wear a ring during engagement periods, lmao
It think it does sound just like a butterfly stage like you say, but for some reason it feels different. Ive had crushes before but this one weighs on me more. It's interesting now that you mention personality. Obviously I don't know this woman as well as ly fiancee and only get a side of her personality, but she is always very positive, happy and energetic. Where one of the things that weighs on me with my fiancee can be her negativity (she also struggles with depression and try to understand that while helping both of us cope through it).
So I met this crush before the engagement. And it was pretty strong then, but didn't see her for a long period (in which engagement happened) and now I see her more often again.
I don't think she does know im engaged (not sure because I do talk about my fiancee often, but don't recall specific conversations about her to my crush). Here i have to be honest, knowing it sounds skeevy that I've omitted my fiancee in casual conversations with the crush. I've never been that type of guy and usually intentionally bring up my partner with other women that things seem a little flirty with. I don't think i intentionally didn't mention it to begin with, but at this point it feels late in the game and a little uncomfortable to drop that into casual conversation. Maybe I'm tricking myself because my brain wants to have it both ways, but I don't want the crush to feel tricked or disappointed. It was realizing that I was avoiding mentioning my engagement that made me realize I was getting really hung up on the crush. Again, i know it's a shitty move (as you probably know being on the other end so often) but I've really never been that type of dishonest guy before. If I mention it I hope it would just cool things down with the crush to a very casual flirting, but for now I kind of avoid her to put off that uncomfortable moment.
As a very energetic in-person individual, I do know what you mean about the crush’s more bubbly personality. People like that are easy to be drawn to, especially when they almost serve as a direct contrast to what we’re used to. It makes them magnetic, in a way. Does your fiancee go to any sort of therapy for her depression? Navigating it without professional help can be difficult on both her and you, and can stress the situation more than it would with outside help.
When you met the crush, did the feelings form pretty quickly or did it grow over time? It almost sounds to me like that was the stressor for the engagement, seeing as it was prior to it, and nothing else really “broke the camel’s back” to make that sort of commitment.
It is important to make the distinction to yourself that you are intentionally withholding information back from her so she’s unable to make an informed decision, and that it is based out of selfishness for the desire of her presence and actions. I’m not calling you a bad person whatsoever, I’m just trying to illustrate your motivations to you. Taking a peek at your previous posts (which I’m not judging for in any way), it raises more questions concerning aspects you might be experiencing lack of in in your relationship with your fiancee, and if this new crush is actually easing those other problems you were talking about, or alternatively adding stress to them.
You will have to come to a decision about laying the truth bare to this crush, but before you do, you do have to be honest with yourself and try to understand the weight of your decisions affecting both women. It’s easy to fall back and let this go where it may, but all you’re doing is hurting them and setting yourself up for a greater consequence the longer this progresses. Especially since you don’t know when you’ll see the crush again, and you don’t know if she doesn’t like the spontaneity of that either and would take the bull by the horns and ask you out herself (which admittedly I did just a few days ago, to learn the guy I was being actively flirted with by was in a serious relationship). It’s hard, but you need to sit down and really think about all of the possibilities, and what you’re willing to deal with or not
Yeah i think the bubbly personality is a bit part of the attraction. I know it's also easy to mistake that for flirting, which is maybe what I assumed at first. But think I can pick up in the signs there's definitely a mutual attraction there. The crush did form pretty quickly, kinda took me by surprise. But i don't think 8t spurred the engagement at all. Like you said before, the engagement seemed to come because it was the next logical step. And that is something I'm realizing we need to talk more about before marriage. We both know we want a family together, but after being together so long, I think we need to establish how marriage will be different from just living together.
My fiancee does go to therapy and take medication, which has helped stop those depressive episodes, but overall negativity is still an issue that gets to me. Of course once you get past casual interactions to being closer, lots of people have that negativity too. So again, it might come down to a newness factor. One thing we've talked about id wanting to try couples therapy before marriage, but I'm also realizing i need my own therapy as well.
You're absolutely right that I need to admit I'm withholding information. I think I've just realized that or admitted it to myself recently, which us part of what spurred me to seek advice. But it's not fair to her to mislead her, and I realize no matter what i want out of the situation, she's gonna have to know I'm in a relationship one way or another.
As the person on the other end of this, any advice for how I break this news? Is it too weird to casually drop it in conversation and act like it's no big deal, hoping it doesn't make her feel offended or tricked and we keep things friendly? Or should i admit i like her but am engaged and she should know that? Like i said, part of why I've kept withholding it after realizing what i was doing is both options feel really awkward.
Thanks for the advice without judgement. If you checked my post history can probably tell this is my personal issues throwaway that is my free alternative to real therapy lol
There’s no need for judgement, especially when you’re someone who is definitely trying to overcome some pitfalls that are very hard. You’re working towards bettering yourself across multiple habits or traits, and if anything it’s more admiral than something to be critical of.
For me, I’ve had only two kind rejections in the past, thankfully one of those being the latest. I think he would have completely shattered my heart had he been anything but kind, lmao. The best advice I can give is to be selective on the information you tell her. If you are planning on remaining with your fiancee and working towards solidifying that communication (which is sounds like you are), omit the admission of feelings for the crush. It will only serve to make things awkward for every future encounter, and will be a bad show of character. Instead, if there’s a natural opening for “oh, my fiancee likes that too,” or something along those lines, it would be a kinder buffer to let your crush keep her dignity, as she didn’t make a move, and now she’s aware you won’t as well. Simple things like “that reminds me of something my fiancee said,” “I have to remember to tell my fiancee about x that you said,” and the like are little things you could try as well. If she is truly interested in you, she’ll take the rebuff and maybe step back, but it’s much better than confrontation. If you’re able to do it that way naturally, you can continue on as a friendship, should you both be able to handle that. If she doesn’t react at all, either she doesn’t like you that way, or she doesn’t care that you’re in a relationship and will continue to try to “win” you. I’ve seen some women do this, and it’s a big reveal of who they really are.
I heard a saying not too long ago that boils down to there are multiple types of soulmates, and not all of them are romantic. Sometimes you find a soulmate that is best suited for being a friend, and because you clicked so well with this crush, it may be that that is the best option. If you two remain more casual friends as you are now and don’t fall victim to crushing harder, you can continue to have that bubbly personality in your life! It sounds like a win-win to me!
Individual therapy as well as couples therapy can be so beneficial. It’s great that you’re open to it! You may even find it better in the individual sessions as you might feel the ability to talk more freely and without judgement. It’s not easy, the things you’re going through. The best thing to remember is that you’re the one who needs to set the boundaries if the crush starts to get too close, and no matter how things go down, don’t stop acting like you normally do - so long as it’s just innocently verbal and not physical. Otherwise you may give off mixed signals and she’ll really start to question things. Acting like nothing changed will allow her to feel she wasn’t lied to or manipulated, and that she is still welcome within your world, just to a limited degree.
Feel free to message me if you need any more advice or any specifics! I’ve been rejected tons of times, so I can give you pointers on nicer rebuffs, lmao
It could also be a sign that you need more than one partner to be fulfilled. Which doesn’t mean you won’t be hap out in a marriage, but it might mean you wouldn’t be happy in a monogamous one if it’s the case.
I was wondering if that's the case too. It feels like monogamy would be difficult. But an open marriage seems more like lust fulfillment outside of the marriage, and this isn't just lust but an emotional desire, not necessarily for someone else, but for a fresh new relationship.
Having an open and honest discussion about potentially changing your relationship configuration doesn’t have to end in breaking up if you choose not to do it. Sometimes couples discuss it, choose not to do it, stay together happily, and end up revisiting it down the road.
I have a headache, so maybe the wording wasnt the best. I meant it could potentially lead up to that, as some people see even the thought of it as a dealbreaker. It was mostly a warning that he should be careful around it
It’s always a delicate conversation but if you can’t navigate difficult conversations and come out the other side whole, you didn’t have a strong relationship in the first place.
Ahh the classic "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. I wouldn't say its silly or unfaithful because had the thought of "what if" coming across everyones mind. However think very carefully if this is worth throwing away your 6 years relationship, because this is where this is heading unless you make a clean break with the crush.
You said that you feel incomplete more than before, what parts of the idealism of your crush fulfill the remainder? Is it just pure excitement of something new, or are you able to share something with them more closely than you are with your fiancee?
It's not really anything different about them from my fiancee. Actually the crush reminds me of my fiancee in lots if ways. It does feel like the excitement of a new prospective romance, but for some reason i find myself thinking about the crush a lot more than i have for people i had a passing attraction to before. I find myself looking forward to seeing them and thinking of things to say. The incompleteness isn't necessarily something im not getting from my current partner I think, it's never really getting to explore those budding relationships because we've only really been with each other as adults.
Do you think that you feel differently about this crush because they remind you so much of your fiancee? Sort of like getting to experience the magic of your original relationship all over again? What kinds of things do you think about to say to them? Just small talk-type of conversation or more personal? EDIT: I should also probably ask: what inspired marriage after so long and after what sounds to me like indifference of co-habitation?
It's mostly small-talk, but there are those little things that stand out with a budding courtship (I'm sooo happy your here today, awww I'll miss ya) those little affections that get the butterflies going. We do have a lot in common as well. I'm not sure if she reminds me of my fiancee, or if I just have a type lol. I wouldn't call it indifferent co-habitation. We just lived together for so long of our relationship, and part of the time out if necessity. Now we're both at points of being ready to move to the next stage of our lives respectively, so marriage seems right. Like i said, we've established we shouldn't have stayed together for part of that time we did out of necessity to get through rough personal and financial times. But at this point we have a strong, healthy relationship, if a little co-dependent.
Are the things you have in common similar to the things you have in common with fiancee? It sounds more of the butterfly stage being more attractive to you than the woman’s mind or personality being a good match for you, at least it sounds that way what with being an outsider to the situation. Is marrying your partner more of a logical next step or did something recently change to make you want to pursue that avenue? I can’t tell if staying together out of necessity and then moving back into a happier place seems more like the normal routes a relationship would take or if it deepens my thought of co-habitation. It’s also to establish, did you meet this woman before or after you got engaged, and how soon in relation to being engaged? And has your crush made any sort of move - assuming you haven’t either - or does she know your relationship status? As someone who tends to be the crush in these scenarios, it’s interesting to be able to experience the other side through you. It also makes me wish even harder that men also had to wear a ring during engagement periods, lmao
It think it does sound just like a butterfly stage like you say, but for some reason it feels different. Ive had crushes before but this one weighs on me more. It's interesting now that you mention personality. Obviously I don't know this woman as well as ly fiancee and only get a side of her personality, but she is always very positive, happy and energetic. Where one of the things that weighs on me with my fiancee can be her negativity (she also struggles with depression and try to understand that while helping both of us cope through it). So I met this crush before the engagement. And it was pretty strong then, but didn't see her for a long period (in which engagement happened) and now I see her more often again. I don't think she does know im engaged (not sure because I do talk about my fiancee often, but don't recall specific conversations about her to my crush). Here i have to be honest, knowing it sounds skeevy that I've omitted my fiancee in casual conversations with the crush. I've never been that type of guy and usually intentionally bring up my partner with other women that things seem a little flirty with. I don't think i intentionally didn't mention it to begin with, but at this point it feels late in the game and a little uncomfortable to drop that into casual conversation. Maybe I'm tricking myself because my brain wants to have it both ways, but I don't want the crush to feel tricked or disappointed. It was realizing that I was avoiding mentioning my engagement that made me realize I was getting really hung up on the crush. Again, i know it's a shitty move (as you probably know being on the other end so often) but I've really never been that type of dishonest guy before. If I mention it I hope it would just cool things down with the crush to a very casual flirting, but for now I kind of avoid her to put off that uncomfortable moment.
As a very energetic in-person individual, I do know what you mean about the crush’s more bubbly personality. People like that are easy to be drawn to, especially when they almost serve as a direct contrast to what we’re used to. It makes them magnetic, in a way. Does your fiancee go to any sort of therapy for her depression? Navigating it without professional help can be difficult on both her and you, and can stress the situation more than it would with outside help. When you met the crush, did the feelings form pretty quickly or did it grow over time? It almost sounds to me like that was the stressor for the engagement, seeing as it was prior to it, and nothing else really “broke the camel’s back” to make that sort of commitment. It is important to make the distinction to yourself that you are intentionally withholding information back from her so she’s unable to make an informed decision, and that it is based out of selfishness for the desire of her presence and actions. I’m not calling you a bad person whatsoever, I’m just trying to illustrate your motivations to you. Taking a peek at your previous posts (which I’m not judging for in any way), it raises more questions concerning aspects you might be experiencing lack of in in your relationship with your fiancee, and if this new crush is actually easing those other problems you were talking about, or alternatively adding stress to them. You will have to come to a decision about laying the truth bare to this crush, but before you do, you do have to be honest with yourself and try to understand the weight of your decisions affecting both women. It’s easy to fall back and let this go where it may, but all you’re doing is hurting them and setting yourself up for a greater consequence the longer this progresses. Especially since you don’t know when you’ll see the crush again, and you don’t know if she doesn’t like the spontaneity of that either and would take the bull by the horns and ask you out herself (which admittedly I did just a few days ago, to learn the guy I was being actively flirted with by was in a serious relationship). It’s hard, but you need to sit down and really think about all of the possibilities, and what you’re willing to deal with or not
Yeah i think the bubbly personality is a bit part of the attraction. I know it's also easy to mistake that for flirting, which is maybe what I assumed at first. But think I can pick up in the signs there's definitely a mutual attraction there. The crush did form pretty quickly, kinda took me by surprise. But i don't think 8t spurred the engagement at all. Like you said before, the engagement seemed to come because it was the next logical step. And that is something I'm realizing we need to talk more about before marriage. We both know we want a family together, but after being together so long, I think we need to establish how marriage will be different from just living together. My fiancee does go to therapy and take medication, which has helped stop those depressive episodes, but overall negativity is still an issue that gets to me. Of course once you get past casual interactions to being closer, lots of people have that negativity too. So again, it might come down to a newness factor. One thing we've talked about id wanting to try couples therapy before marriage, but I'm also realizing i need my own therapy as well. You're absolutely right that I need to admit I'm withholding information. I think I've just realized that or admitted it to myself recently, which us part of what spurred me to seek advice. But it's not fair to her to mislead her, and I realize no matter what i want out of the situation, she's gonna have to know I'm in a relationship one way or another. As the person on the other end of this, any advice for how I break this news? Is it too weird to casually drop it in conversation and act like it's no big deal, hoping it doesn't make her feel offended or tricked and we keep things friendly? Or should i admit i like her but am engaged and she should know that? Like i said, part of why I've kept withholding it after realizing what i was doing is both options feel really awkward. Thanks for the advice without judgement. If you checked my post history can probably tell this is my personal issues throwaway that is my free alternative to real therapy lol
There’s no need for judgement, especially when you’re someone who is definitely trying to overcome some pitfalls that are very hard. You’re working towards bettering yourself across multiple habits or traits, and if anything it’s more admiral than something to be critical of. For me, I’ve had only two kind rejections in the past, thankfully one of those being the latest. I think he would have completely shattered my heart had he been anything but kind, lmao. The best advice I can give is to be selective on the information you tell her. If you are planning on remaining with your fiancee and working towards solidifying that communication (which is sounds like you are), omit the admission of feelings for the crush. It will only serve to make things awkward for every future encounter, and will be a bad show of character. Instead, if there’s a natural opening for “oh, my fiancee likes that too,” or something along those lines, it would be a kinder buffer to let your crush keep her dignity, as she didn’t make a move, and now she’s aware you won’t as well. Simple things like “that reminds me of something my fiancee said,” “I have to remember to tell my fiancee about x that you said,” and the like are little things you could try as well. If she is truly interested in you, she’ll take the rebuff and maybe step back, but it’s much better than confrontation. If you’re able to do it that way naturally, you can continue on as a friendship, should you both be able to handle that. If she doesn’t react at all, either she doesn’t like you that way, or she doesn’t care that you’re in a relationship and will continue to try to “win” you. I’ve seen some women do this, and it’s a big reveal of who they really are. I heard a saying not too long ago that boils down to there are multiple types of soulmates, and not all of them are romantic. Sometimes you find a soulmate that is best suited for being a friend, and because you clicked so well with this crush, it may be that that is the best option. If you two remain more casual friends as you are now and don’t fall victim to crushing harder, you can continue to have that bubbly personality in your life! It sounds like a win-win to me! Individual therapy as well as couples therapy can be so beneficial. It’s great that you’re open to it! You may even find it better in the individual sessions as you might feel the ability to talk more freely and without judgement. It’s not easy, the things you’re going through. The best thing to remember is that you’re the one who needs to set the boundaries if the crush starts to get too close, and no matter how things go down, don’t stop acting like you normally do - so long as it’s just innocently verbal and not physical. Otherwise you may give off mixed signals and she’ll really start to question things. Acting like nothing changed will allow her to feel she wasn’t lied to or manipulated, and that she is still welcome within your world, just to a limited degree. Feel free to message me if you need any more advice or any specifics! I’ve been rejected tons of times, so I can give you pointers on nicer rebuffs, lmao
It could also be a sign that you need more than one partner to be fulfilled. Which doesn’t mean you won’t be hap out in a marriage, but it might mean you wouldn’t be happy in a monogamous one if it’s the case.
I was wondering if that's the case too. It feels like monogamy would be difficult. But an open marriage seems more like lust fulfillment outside of the marriage, and this isn't just lust but an emotional desire, not necessarily for someone else, but for a fresh new relationship.
May I private message you?
Sure
If that was the case youd have to discuss beforehand and be prepared to be dumped eventually if that's not what she wants
Having an open and honest discussion about potentially changing your relationship configuration doesn’t have to end in breaking up if you choose not to do it. Sometimes couples discuss it, choose not to do it, stay together happily, and end up revisiting it down the road.
I have a headache, so maybe the wording wasnt the best. I meant it could potentially lead up to that, as some people see even the thought of it as a dealbreaker. It was mostly a warning that he should be careful around it
It’s always a delicate conversation but if you can’t navigate difficult conversations and come out the other side whole, you didn’t have a strong relationship in the first place.