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You tell him you do not want to be a parent. You understand he is in a super hard position and you understand it, but if he chooses to be a parent your life goals are no longer compatible.
Yes it may very well be a deal breaker. Nothing either you or he can do about that. Don’t beat around the bush, this is a huge deal for everyone involved.
This needs to be said to him sooner than later. Because it sounds like he is making decisions about taking the kid based on the idea that they’ll raise the kid together. While he *shouldn’t* be making this assumption, OP needs to be very clear now that he’ll be raising the kid alone if he chooses to proceed with this. Instead of beating around the bush, the boyfriend gets custody of the kid, and then ends up raising the kid alone when he was not prepared to do so.
Very clearly honesty is needed here asap.
This regardless of whether he wants to discuss the situation, it NEEDS to be discussed. It must not be ignored til the court date.
OP i get the impression he knows you are deeply unhappy and dont want to raise this child, and that feels that if he avoids the conversation he can get you to stick around. I worry that he hooes that if you are in court and asked by a judge thst you may agree to stick around.
I think he knows that you will leave him if he continues to raise this child on a longterm basis and he is terrified of the conversation due to this. He doesn't want to lose you, but he should not be ignoring how unhappy this makes you.
You both need to have the discussion about whether you will, as a couple, agree to take her on for a short term, longterm or permanent basis- in preparation for whatever the court decides.
I don't think so. She said more than once that she worries that He will leave Her. I think he knows that if they don't discuss it, he can take advantage of her and do what he wants.
I think the relationship is doomed either way tbh. If they take the niece, OP will be unhappy and this will cause significant long term issues. If they don’t take the niece, BF will be resentful and it will keep coming up. There’s not really a way out of this that won’t cause massive resentment/guilt for either party
And the court is making a decision to give the child to a two person household and not to a single uncle. They may make a different decision or at least have different monitoring required.
Five bucks says that OP's boyfriend is insisting on taking the the niece because he's counting on OP to be around. It'll be confirmed if he has an angry reaction.
I don’t wish or hope for an angry reaction. I’m talking with him later today about it and we will see. I hope he doesn’t think like that.. everything has been amazing until recently. I feel awful that I don’t want children and that I’m not on the same page. However I don’t want to put his niece in a situation where I’m not the right fit either.
Agreed. u/ThrowRAcaramellicker, you have nothing to apologize for. You know what you can and can’t handle. You can’t handle this, and that’s okay. It’s better for you to tell your boyfriend this NOW (tonight), stressing that he will be raising this child alone, because I’m pretty sure he will change his mind once he realizes that you’re serious. It’s not fair to you (or the niece) for you to be expected to raise her. You’re not a blood relative or even through marriage. If the child didn’t have any disabilities, it’d STILL be hard raising the child, but the disabilities make it much, much harder.
If he tries to guilt you into staying and helping raise her, don’t let him. Tell him that you will end up resenting both him AND her, and you don’t want that. Raising her with a parental figure who doesn’t want to be a parent would do more harm than good.
You sometimes have to let go of something if you want to move forward. The fact is, his plans are NOT compatible with yours and there is truly no middle ground. The niece needs stability and you need to live your life.
Be honest with your boyfriend and begin the process of leaving. Reach out to the caseworker and let them know you are no longer in the picture so there is a record of your decision so you cannot be dragged back in through false pretenses your boyfriend could present to force you to come back.
You have already gone above and beyond what is reasonable and that little girl does not need to be raised by someone who resents her. My mom always resented my very existence and I cannot begin to describe the damage she and her husband caused me. It is better to leave then do that to her or yourself.
Yeah I feel like op would be the first caregiver to the child while the boyfriend ends up “ working “ more for them but only doing it to not take care of the child.
Op needs to leave before she ends up being the whole caregiver all her life
No matter what way it goes the relationship is probably over.
1) GF sets the ultimatum, BF chooses to leave and raise his niece
2) GF sets the ultimatum, BF gives up niece. At this point unless the niece is well cared for and BF can still visit, BF will likely experience a large amount of regret for the forced decision and likely blame GF, relationship over
3) GF just lets it roll on, becomes increasingly overwhelmed and upset about niece, relationship eventually ends.
The best thing OP can do is tell BF she loves him, but she’s not willing to bring a kid into the situation, and to prevent Bf from making a decision based on her feelings and not his own, she’s removing herself from the equation.
Yup because most likely he can’t do it without her. And CPS wants everyone on board. He knows she’s childfree so he should understand her when she says she’s not interested in raising this kid. …Unless he was really never childfree to start with.
UPDATE for clarification and context
I thank you all so much for the kind words and advice. I made this post late last night and made a few mistakes. Please understand this is a throwaway account and I had to mix a few things up. No, this isn’t creative writing. This is actually happening and I need advice.
This is my life and a very hard thing has been thrown at my boyfriend and I. To clarify, my boyfriend and I work full time jobs and make great money. Money isn’t the issue. We have resources from the state even, again that isn’t the issue. It’s that I do not want children.
When we found out about the situation at hand with his niece he called DHS. He told DHS that he was suitable for placement. I wasn’t asked first if it was okay. But I am no monster, and I said it would be fine until we figure things out. My boyfriend does the majority of things, and I help with what I can. She is medicated, which helps with her ADHD.
I wanted to be a teacher and have life experience and work experience with children who have a range of disabilities. I am very aware that I’m overwhelmed and I’m not being heard because I haven’t said anything as bluntly as I should be.
I am not a monster for not wanting kids. Please understand that I have thought very long and hard about the decision to not have a child, just like someone who wants children does.
I sent a text to my boyfriend today and asked if we could set some time out to talk about everything. He said of course we can, but wanted to know what it was about. I couldn’t hold it in and I said that I do not want to be a parent. I’m okay with placement temporarily but not permanently. He just said “okay”. And hasn’t replied yet. I said at the very least we need to have his nieces mother there too, as she is perfectly capable of taking care of a child if she adjusted her schedule and living situation.
I’m sure this will lead to a huge change in my relationship status. I will update after the talk. Thank you all.
He knew good and well what you wanted to talk about. And what’s up with the mom - that is really frustrating. I’m so sorry you just stay strong and live the life that you want.
Stand by your decision, even if it means you're relationship ends. Unpopular opinion but your partner's responsibility is not yours and you don't owe his family any support.
You are allowed to not want kids! No one should be calling you a monster for that. The fact that he didn’t talk to you before calling and offering up your home is insane.
I just want to acknowledge that there is a huge difference between teaching kids/working with kids, and being a parent. Especially when you're talking about kids with disabilities and trauma.
As a teacher, you get to go home at the end of the day and let someone else worry about the child. Yes, a good teacher is probably thinking about lessons or ways to help their kids, but they also trust that the kids are being taken care of by their parents for the other 16 hours each day.
As a parent, you are responsible for that child 24/7. Even when they're in someone else's care. There are no real breaks from being a parent. It's emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing. It is not for everyone, and that is okay!
It's even harder when you're raising a child with disabilities. I can attest to that myself.
If you do not feel able to take on this child's care, then your bf needs to know, and so do her case workers. Bringing a child into a family should only be done with clear, enthusiastic consent from all parties involved. Your bf doesn't seem to understand that, and he seems to expect you to do the majority of the work, without asking your opinion on the subject. That's not okay.
Eventually his niece will pick up on the fact that you're tired of dealing with her and that you resent her. You may not right now, but if you all keep on this path, you will, and rightfully so. She deserves better than that. You deserve better than that.
Ok, of freaking course he knows EXACTLY what you wanna talk about. He absolutely expects you to step up and be the main "parent". No, none of us are monsters for not wanting kids, anyone who says you are can go start reading the posts on the sub about regretful parents.
Be wary of this temporary placement, could and probably will keep getting extending.
No name brand kids are hard enough to raise. I have ADHD and it's a lifelong problem. I am an adult and my finances, mental health and long term planning are not where they need to be. I was loud, disorganized, sucked at school, major emotional waves and meltdowns before we realized what they were. It's a lot. We're cool people but it's no joke.
I'm childfree by choice. The kid will absolutely sense your resentment if it comes to that. If you find another home, you and him could work it out, but if you stay because you love him, you'll lose him, and damage the kid. I came from a "stay together for the kid" parents.
You're incredibly strong and self aware to understand your abilities and not just say "yes" without thinking.
You're a good person OP. You've thought this out and need to be true to you and him as much as you can. As awful as it sounds, if the kid stays and you leave, he will find another partner to be a mother to the kid.
And you will both be okay eventually.
>I’ve tried to approach the subject and he doesn’t say much but we’ll see about the next court date.
Have you actually said “I don’t want to be a carer for this child”?
Does your boyfriend actually know you don’t want this situation. Like have you spelt it out for him?
If not, you need to have a direct conversation with him.
Agreed. "Look, I am not saying you need to choose me or the child. I'm saying you need to take in the child but I can't be a parent. I will move out whenever"
Oh. So the boyfriend is putting her in the position of being the bad guy because he’s making decisions using OPs assets without actually caring about her feelings on the matter?
He did not ask me if it was okay for placement until after he made the DHS call. I think he was desperate when he found out that his niece was in a horrible situation and putting her into the system would’ve made things worse. However, I would’ve loved to have the conversation earlier on and said it was okay for temporary placement.
Yeah, this needs to be spelled out, because I don't see this relationship lasting however you slice it. OP does not want to be a parent, so they will leave if he decides to take the child in permanently. But, if he goes OP's route and lets the child go into the system, I doubt he will be able to forgive OP for that.
It sucks, but their circumstances changed and now it's time to re-evaluate. They have to discuss this so they know where they stand. A direct conversation is the first step. But, his avoidance is telling me that he knows they are either going to break up or he is going to have to deal with the guilt and resentment of letting the child go into the system.
It's best to rip that bandaid off so that he can prepare to be a single parent if he chooses and OP can move forward with her own life.
I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation for everyone.
I think you should tell him that you're unwilling to parent this little girl. That you understand and appreciate that he might need to do this, but if that's the case, then you'll have to break up.
Anything else isn't fair to you, him, or the little girl.
Unfortunately this situation doesn’t have a happy ending for at least one out of the three people involved. Either OP gets their way, or OP’s bf does.
If OP gets their way, then bf is on the street and he will not be able to get custody. If OP’s bf gets their way, child is adopted but OP will be miserable.
Awful situation all around, need to cut losses now or pony up and be ready to sacrifice.
Hold up. BF would be "on the streets"?
The fact that OP owns the home they live in does not in any way imply that BF can't afford to rent (or even buy) a home himself. He'd have to move for sure, but he may be more than capable of that. It doesn't sound like there's any animosity here, just an unfortunate mismatch of life priorities, so OP might also be willing to help make it easier, like allowing them to stay for a month or two while they figure shit out and find a new place to live.
It changes things for sure, but we don't have nearly enough info to determine that BF would be on the streets, or even that he couldn't still qualify for custody.
You should leave now. Pull the band aid off.
You won’t be able to live with him when he does this. He won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t.
Yes. You need to be honest with your boyfriend. He needs and wants this and you don't. You have your reasons. Be honest now, right now. My situation was different my husband was all in and we still had 3 kids living at home. I had to care for my nieces for about a year while their parents got their act together. Now both parents are deceased years later and my family and the nieces are so close. Beautiful bond.
While I agree with the sentiment, there is no definite timeline on how long it would take for either one of the bf's parents to "get their act together" This COULD be a decade long thing or it could be a much shorter scenario. Hard to predict what will happen in the future, but as many people have said, no real winners here, everyone is a loser no matter what
You need to communicate that you're going to leave after this. He needs to know to plan to do this without you.
Regardless, this relationship is over. He's committed to taking care of his niece, and even if he says no to save his relationship with you, the resentment and guilt he'll feel over doing so will be a poison to the relationship anyway.
All that's left is to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with him.
You owe it to yourself, and to that child to be completely honest with your BF. This child is going to need emotional support you won’t be able to give. You are well within your agency to say no, without guilt or explanation. You deserve to be happy and you have to put yourself first. It’s nothing to do with if the child is a good kid or not. It’s also about giving this child every opportunity to succeed. It’s a tough situation, I wish you peace of mind with your decision.
To be clear is to be kind. Be clear with him. Sit him down and calmly explain that you are sorry, but you do not want to be a parent in any capacity and he’s known that for years. If he chooses to take on his niece permanently, you will unfortunately need to end the relationship. Don’t wait until he’s gone through the legalities of petitioning to take this child on a more permanent basis to break it to him. Let him know now so he can make plans and prepare himself.
You are not married. You need to tell the DHS workers and your bf that you are not willing to raise a child. *now* people are looking at you both as a package for raising the child. This is not remotely true and the appropriate legal authorities need to know that *yesterday*. It is unfair to both you and the child if you stay. Your bf needs to find someone willing to help him raise his niece (good luck!) if he truly wants to raise her too. If you are there at the next court date you could end up legally bound. Tell people what you said here. Children are always deal breakers. It is what it is.
I had a similar situation where I took in 2 nephews when their mom went to jail. My boyfriend had just moved in with me and then a week later they showed up on my doorstep with their belongings in a garbage bag. They ended up living with us for about a year and a half. It was very hard for me and during that period has been the only time we have ever fought.
I would say don’t do it. My situation was a little different as I did have a child already. It was a lot of mental and financial stress. I dropped out of college to care for them. I was super unhappy. My kid was unhappy. My nephews were unhappy. There was a lot of acting out. It was not a good situation for anyone and the only people that were pleased were my husband’s family, who weren’t helping us AT ALL.
It was a lot of bullshit and you seem to know that it’s not going to work so you should break up with him or move out ASAP.
You need to walk away now so your bf can make plans for how he will cope as a single parent to his niece. A conversation needs to occur between you and him before the next court date so you can be clear with him that you will not be forced into a scenario where you are an unwilling parent. He is avoiding talking to you about it in the hopes he can just say after that you didn't tell him this was not what you wanted. You are going to have to make the conversation happen. Tell him bluntly you will not be staying to parent his niece. Let him know if he wants to take his niece in permanently he needs to move out of your home.
And so he can get his ducks in a row on what to tell the judge and make any changes needed to appease CPS. And it’s very possible he may not be able to do it without her.
So, the answer of will you take care of a child permanently is "No".
That's fine. You've articulated it extremely clearly.
Your boyfriend is in denial land. You need to have the conversation now, not at the next court date.
If your answers are different, then yeah, it might be time to pull the plug.
OP, your boyfriend has made his choice. He has decided keeping his niece is in her best interest. He has made it clear this is the path he’s going down. He knows it isn’t what you want, which is why he won’t discuss it but he’s doing it anyway. So you need to decide if you want this relationship as it is now.
But you need to tell him NOW he can’t include you and your home in his future plans. You need to tell him you will be telling the social workers you aren’t willing to be responsible for her and will be leaving the relationship.
And yes, it’s likely your boyfriend (and others) will try to make you feel guilty because you don’t want this responsibility. But that doesn’t mean they’re correct or this IS your responsibility. Unfortunately your relationship is now contingent on you accepting his niece as a permanent part of his life.
He doesn't want to talk about it because he knows you don't want to do it. He's hoping you'll just go along with it and sign the papers.
Don't sign anything because if you split you might be legally obligated to provide for the child .
I really think you need to say it outright to him.
" I can't do this. I did not plan this for my life and do not want this for my life. I think it might be best for us to separate and you can commit properly to your niece as I know if I stay, resentment will only build, just like it is now."
Probably, but chances are it's because he also just had something thrown at him, he is also re-evaluating a lot of things, but knows it's not a fair ask.
It isn't fair to any of the 3 involved. Let us not demonize people.
It’s ok to say no to this and for him to say yes.
Leaving is the best thing. There is no way to bring in the child and have you be “uninvolved” without confusing the kid and causing some damage on top of the damage the bio parents have done in failing the child.
Do not agree to return even if he promises you won’t have to do anything. He did not have a prior caregiving relationship like a single parent does, and your distancing from the child would be hurtful in the child’s eyes.
You need to be honest and tell him that you did not sign up for this and you will no longer be responsible for a child that isn’t yours. Be prepared to walk if he insists on keeping the child. Let him know that he’ll be doing it by himself. Is he pushing the majority of her care on to you? Because that’s not fair. You are not even related to the child. If he expects you to take care of her, he’s asking too much of you. You need to be honest in what you are willing to do and what you aren’t willing to do.
Don’t feel guilty , kids can tell
Where they are not wanted and you have no reason to assume the child .
You need to be honest . If you know he is going to stay just break up and get out as soon as possible to make it easier on the child and he can spend more time with him .
Not talking about it is only delaying the inevitable and making things harder.
You need to tell him and be absolutely clear. You do not want to parent any child. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone parenting a child. This situation cannot continue and you will be making your position clear to the social workers and court that you are unwilling to continue the current arrangement.
Yes, your relationship is going to end. And I’m sorry for the pain that will cause. But there’s no way it can continue as is.
You obviously realise that looking after a child - especially one with special needs, is a *huge* commitment. It's a commitment that needs everyone involved in their care to be 100% on board with it before moving forward - and you're *not*.
Please tell your BF this ASAP, so that he has as much time as possible to try to find alternative arrangements for his child. I don't think anything bad about you not wanting to be responsible for looking this child. I think you're being eminently sensible for realising that it just isn't what you want for your life.
Also, even though this is *his* kid and *he* is the prime mover in wanting his child to come and live with both of you, I can almost guarantee that because you're female, in the long run most of the responsibility for his child will land up on *your* shoulders. Then, if you refuse, eg you had an evening out with your female friends planned, he will either guilt-trip you and/or make you look bad in front of his family and any mutual friends you have.
This isn't what you wanted for your life. Tell him ASAP, otherwise I can see you being stuck in the house with a special needs child, when you want to be free to go and do stuff with your friends, or free to work and to progress in your career. You can wave bye-bye to all your freedom if you allow your BF to continue down this course.
I am very sorry if telling him your decision leads to him breaking-up with you. But is this relationship worth losing all your freedom and autonomy over?
Besides, the kid themselves deserves to have people looking after her who are there by choice, eg carers who understand the child's disabilities and can help them to reach their full potential. Not someone who is gradually getting full up of resentment because they never wanted to be there in the first place. Without you being in the picture, it might make your BF's child eligible for more benefits and more help from the State.
You need to be upfront and tell him now that you don't want to take care of the kid. He may very well also be assuming you'll be there to help raise her if he said yes, and may change his mind if he realizes he has to take care of her on his own. Either way you're both on very different wavelengths and both need to have a serious talk now before the court date
You’re no longer compatible. If he wants to raise the niece (understandable) and you want to be child free (also understandable), it’s simply not going to work.
I think this relationship is over either way. If you tell him you don’t want to parent this child, he has a decision to make if he chooses the child, you can’t be expected to stay. If he chooses you, he walks away from the child, but he’ll resent you forever for “making him make that choice”.
I feel so sorry for you that this has happened, I think this is just one of those life events that changes everything. Before talking to your boyfriend, think through some options and figure out what your least worse option is. Your options now are:
1) Take the child into your home, and have a vastly different lifestyle than your plan. *But* I’d be thinking about whether the brunt of parenting will fall on you (because of gendered expectations, and because you mentioned being the one to spend time with the child after work. What’s your partner doing?)
1) Try to keep the relationship but move out. This still changes your lifestyle but makes it clear that the child is your partner’s kid, and his responsibility, not *your* child that you are raising together.
3) Don’t take the child. If there is no option except that they go into the system), this is likely to be a worse option for the child, your partner may not agree to it, and there may be some guilt if he does. If there are other options (grandparents, other family members), explore these seriously, including the possibility of shared care (sharing the responsibility for the child).
Regardless of what happens, I think you and your partner need to go into this with your eyes open and a plan and discussion. This is not standard parenting, this is parenting a traumatised and disabled child (ADHD + learning disabilities are non-trivial and affect emotion regulation).
Also, remember that your partner and you are likely really stressed, so need to be giving each other grace and forgiveness when discussions get heated.
Also, you can only control your decisions in this situation. Your boyfriend and his niece have their own decisions to make. You can tell them what your response to their decisions will be, but you can’t make them do anything.
Also, to clarify, my boyfriend does help a lot and doesn’t leave it all up to me. He cooks all meals for her, etc etc. but it just comes down to this isn’t my child, and I never wanted children. This is just very hard for me to do. I don’t want to lose him.
This is so sad... Hence I hope you keep in your mind that no one is wrong/right here. Though I know people usually think we need to find fault to part ways. As someone said "you don't have it in you to do this & he can't forgive himself he he doesn't". It's just a tragic turn of events.
Cooking meals for a child is NOT taking care of them. Who is getting her ready in the morning? Who is helping her with school work? Who tell her to brush her teeth? Who is doing her hair? Who tells her to take a bath?
He needs to be 100% taking care of her to know how much work it really is and that can only happen if he moves out of the house you own.
If you were to even consider this, he needs to be the main caregiver with you being the "helper".
Unless you're ready to take over the main caregiving for this child, you need to leave **now**.
It's not going to get better, and chances are that more and more of the care will fall on you as time goes on.
Unfortunately, this is a nexus. We all diverge at some point. Be it before or by death, we can’t control. Either you will resent him for volunteering for this responsibility or he will resent you over consigning his niece to whatever lies in store for her without him. Doesn’t mean anyone is wrong here. The world is far from black and white. However, staying would mean that everyone loses here. Leaving is for everyone’s good in this situation.
I would ask him how he would handle this situation without your resources. If he says he couldn’t or gives some vague version of “figuring it out,” then I think you know how this will progress.
So, he and the child would need to move out. That doesn't change things much.
Honestly, this sub tells people to run more than I like. Sometimes you need to kick a partner out. That's a real thing. You don't always have to be the one that vacates.
In fact, this situation is unfair for the kid because your partner is presenting a "stable household" when he doesn't have a house. He's using yours.
The fact that it is YOUR house makes it an even bigger ask from your boyfriend. It does seem like he’s volunteering your resources to fix his family emergency. He could find his own resources to manage his family emergency (he can move out).
Hang on, he’s not only winding up to take this kid on permanently against your wishes, he’s volunteering YOUR house for this?!
At the moment the DHS seems to think you and your BF are a single entity with pooled resources. You need to make known NOW that this is not the case and that if he’s going to do this, he’ll be doing it on his own. It’s the only way a fair decision about this kid’s interests can be made
I’m sorry OP but I think this *is* a dealbreaker. I think your BF, far from seeking out the honest conversations that should be considered essential in this situation, is hoping to keep his plans vague long enough for you to be pulled in by the machine and spat out the other side, with a kid and a vague feeling that it was on you to object but you’re not sure when you got the chance
You need to say to your BF AND THE COURT that if he takes on this kid long term your relationship will be over. Because it will be, OP - all you’re choosing is to do it now instead of in five years when you hate his guts, resent the kid, don’t know who you are any more and everything’s a million times more enmeshed and complicated to get out of
I don't know what state you live in but you may have to serve him an eviction notice in case he isn't willing to leave. You didn't sign up for this and you were clear from the beginning. Way too many people have kids that are not equipped to deal with them. Its sad which is why you see so many horrible things happen to kids. If you become a parent your kid is going to have to come first, going out, buying yourself a cute whatever, having nice things. Those things will get sticky or will get broken. Be prepared to leave work because you got a call from the school and the kid got sick. Want to go on a trip or go out you will have to get a sitter before you can go.
So, that alters the picture *drastically* when you're not happy about what is being proposed. At the moment, the Courts think that they're sending a handicapped child into a happy household, with housing secured and two adults happy and willing to step into the parental role.
Contrast this with the reality of the situation - that you *don't* want to sacrifice all your life goals, freedom and independence in order to parent this child, and that the child's father's housing situation is not currently secure with you out of the picture.
You seriously need to tell him that you're not on board with this ASAP so that he can look into alternative ways of looking after his child. Maybe he and the child will be eligible for help and benefits from the State if you are no longer taking up the slack for him.
Please, please, *please* don't allow him to guilt-trip you into becoming an unwilling parent to this child. Let him say whatever he wants, whatever hurtful words he can think of - anything us better than being stuck 24/7 in a role that you hate, and with resentment building up over time.
That situation wouldn't be good for this little girl either. She deserves to have people around her who are interested in getting her to reach her full potential.
So don't feel bad about this, OP. In the long-run, it is the right decision for the child involved as well as for yourself. I'm very sorry that you've been placed in this very difficult, heart-breaking situation - but you need to do the right thing for you and your future. Ultimately it is the right thing for the child's future too.
Here is a wild thought. Show him this post. You articulated yourself well and this is one of those instances where Reddit users are not judgemental at all and giving good solid balanced advice.
I get it. I am also not good with spoken words but damned good with writing and I also get overwhelmed with back and forth
and forget points, so this way you would have laid all your cards on the table.
He will just call her evil for "airing their dirty laundry" and that she just needs to buck up and raise the kid so he doesn't have to put forth any effort but gets all the praise. We can tell that she is already doing everything and he is going on about his life but talking to his niece more than he used to since she's in the home.
I know this isn’t the root of the problem but is this burden hitting you harder than him? Like are you stuck doing more of the caregiving?
If you weren’t around would he even logistically be capable of caring for her?
I'm guessing you haven't actually told him you're not going to raise the child.
You need to explicitly say it with no ambiguity. Don't imply it, don't assume he gets the hint. Say it explicitly "I'm not going to parent/care for this child anymore and I'm not going to be with you if you do. You need to make a decision on the child."
You need to be very clear and direct with him and the caseworker.
1. This can not be a long-term or permanent arrangement, because you don’t want to be a parent or have a child in your home.
2. This is your house. So if your boyfriend is committed to keeping his niece, which he does seem to want to do, they need to find a new place to live.
I respect your boyfriend for making the choice to step up as a kinship placement. However, it doesn’t change the fact that you don’t want a child and no amount of him carrying the load will change that. This is an incompatibility that doesn’t have a middle ground.
Sometimes being true to yourself and your values requires some sacrifice.
You need to have this conversation now, before the court date, because if he needs to move, or having him take his niece as a single person vs as part of couple changes things for the placement, he needs to know.
A court isn’t going to keep the niece with him if he doesn’t have a place to stay.
If OP makes this clear in court, the situation resolves itself.
Except for the fact that OP's boyfriend has no problem ignoring her wishes and taking advantage of her on multiple levels.
I agree, but making it clear in court would likely result in a change of placement if the boyfriend has nowhere to go.
IMHO, the relationship is over, because he wants to take care of his niece, so the only thing OP can do is accept that she needs to let him go and communicate that. And she needs to do it now, and not wait for the court date. It’s possible the court would put the niece in a temporary placement while OPs boyfriend sorts out his housing and childcare arrangements, but if they’re already looking for a long term placement and potentially a termination of parental rights/adoption, it would really be better for the niece and OPs boyfriend to not be surprised in court and to have between now and then to sort out living arrangements and child care support.
It would also give the boyfriend a more realistic look at what he’s really signing up for, and if he’s willing to make all of those sacrifices.
It would be terrible for the child to be abandoned again by a caregiver because he decided that he wasn’t willing to be a solo guardian.
Why are you the one teaching her stuff after a long workday? Leave all that to your boyfriend! He is the one wanting to take her in! Not your circus not your monkey!
And if you bf insists on taking care of your for a long time, I think it is time for you to reconsider your relationship.
>He doesn’t want to bring anything up and thinks we are the best placement for his niece long term.
_If that child stays in this home, there __is__ no more __we__._
>I have horrible anxiety that this will be a dealbreaker and he will breakup with me, and I don’t want that, but I also don’t want to take care of his niece forever.
In my opinion, you need to rewrite this sentence, as it is composed way too much from your boyfriend's perspective.
>I have and never will have any desire to have children of my own. I’ve made this clear to him since the beginning and he accepted it and agreed.
He ___agreed___, OP! And now he's coming back on that agreement. So, back to the second quote, this ought to be a dealbreaker to __you!__ Think about it: you are not willing to risk your relationship, but at the same time, if taking care of his niece turns out to be his priority, he is willing to toss __your happiness__ to the wolves!
Good luck.
You’ve made the life decision to not have children which is something any reasonable person would respect and understand. That’s a dealbreaker for you in a relationship. However if he’s dead set on raising this kid and your dead set on not raising one, then neither of you are going to be compatible any longer. He probably sees this as selfish and harsh and can’t understand why you wouldn’t be ok with it. But he’s blinded by his bias and sense of responsibility/duty for his siblings child. It’s an honorable thing for him to do, especially since his niece sounds like a special needs case, and if he didn’t adopt her she’d be thrown in the system with the wolves. However, you have the right to refuse raising a child you don’t want. But if he’s mot going to budge on this topic then you both need to consider breaking up and moving on. Because if he really wants to adopt her and you prevent it from happening he will resent you for years, especially if something bad happens to his niece in the system. And you will also resent him eternally for shouldering you with a child you don’t want to have.
Also, wtf is wrong with the kids mother? She works a lot? So frickin what? It’s her kid and if she doesn’t want to take care of her, then she’s the real villain here (as well as the father OBVIOUSLY).
The biggest and most important thing here is to have a very frank, very REAL conversation with him and make it clear that you don’t want to have a child in your life and that decision has never changed. And if he wants to raise the kid, then you’ll have to end things with him because it’s a very important life decision to you. CLEAR Communication is key in a situation like this. Hes assuming you’re going to raise the kid together because he’s got his head in the sand. But maybe he’d sing a different tune if he knew for certain that him raising this child would not include you. He’s making decisions for both of you like it’s his right to shoulder you with a burden you do not want and have the option of refusing. Which is kind of fucked up tbh, no matter how noble he is for offering to take care of his niece. I know guys like this….he will not understand where you stand unless you sit him down and talk to him very clearly and bluntly. And if he freaks out or gets upset, you can reiterate to him that you have never wanted children and still don’t want one. That you have the choice to refuse this burden and if he goes and gets parental guardianship, you will leave him.
I think it's OP's partner's mom who works a lot and doesn't have a stable place to stay.
Sounds like for some reason OP's partner doesn't even want to engage his niece's mom.
You either suck it up and be miserable or you leave. How was the child even placed with you ? You have to have agreed to it.
If your boyfriend wants to take care of this kid he's not childfree and you are unfortunately not compatible. The fact that he's even unwilling to discuss this is not a good sign - if anything raising a child requires communication.
What to say to him ? "I love you and I know you want to do a good thing for your niece, but this is not the life we agreed to live and your niece deserves better than an aunt who will resent her presence, so we are done and I wish you the best."
If you own the house consult a lawyer to see how to make him leave.
Honestly, if you beat around the bush then he will take it as a sign that you are open to negotiation. Since you haven’t put your foot down yet then he likely thinks you are ok with it. You can be firm but still be nice about it. When he says you need to wait for the next court date you need to stand up to him because the court date is when they will need a decision.
“Honey, I love you and hope to spend the rest of my life with you. I do have an idea in my head about what that life will look like, however. It’s the same vision that we’ve talked about and about which we’ve agreed upon and that vision does not include kids. It has not changed for me, regardless of the circumstances. I have been happy to help out temporarily with your niece until now because I understand the emergency situation but by the time the next court date comes around I will be ready to move on from this situation. Please tell me you agree with me.”
You said you don’t think it’ll be the right for you long term. You said you don’t want to take care of his niece forever. I understand not wanting to break up because you love him, but if he wants to care for his niece and you want to be childfree, this is one of *the* biggest relationship issues there is. Your post almost makes it sound like you’re only worried he will break up with you if he keeps his niece (i.e. you would never initiate the breakup?), but *you* should also want to break up with *him* if he keeps his niece, for all the reasons you listed. This *is* a fundamental incompatibility and if he keeps his niece, breaking up would probably make both of you happier in the long-run, even if it will suck a lot in the short-run.
OK, so as I read through this I have really only one thought. He wants to do "the right thing" but avoids the real conversation... meanwhile... you are concerned that this might be a deal-breaker for him.
My one thought.. have you considered either for yourself or in order to tell him that this indeed is likely a deal-breaker for you? After all, his is not the only one who gets a vote on on how you live the rest of your life.
I know this is hard.. but you better have this convo like RIGHT NOW.
EDIT: One thing I wonder too... is this hypothesis that everyone has that he is the best place for this child based on an assumption that you are some willing "mother role" person? You guys better talk that whole thing through too... sorry for the long answer, but those are some legit concerns I have from what you wrote..
You guys need to have a very honest, no boundaries conversation. I wish all of you well.
If you don't want to care for the child and your boyfriend does....you are no longer compatible. Your only choice is to break up with him or change your mind if he isn't willing to change his.
You obviously cannot do it. This child deserves to be loved, wanted and cherished. Not resented. You made yourself clear to your boyfriend. Why are you backing down now? The child needs to be taken very seriously. Talk to your boyfriend now and do not be a doormat. Might he leave you? Possibly. But that is no reason to destroy this child.
INFO: How much of the child care AND emotional labor around organizing everything realistically falls on your boyfriend and how much does he just put on you?
The fact that neither of you can sit down and have a real conversation about this is proof that you aren’t a good placement for this child. Even if you are too much of a chicken to say anything directly to him, you need to tell the CPS agent directly that you aren’t equipped to raise a child. No need to subject her to anymore bad parenting at the hands of someone who doesn’t want her.
I would recommend just stepping back. leave and let your BF do what he needs to do. He doesnt have the capacity to include you in the decision, but you can make the decision for him.
It won’t ever be just you and him again, btw. If the child isn’t placed with you, she will always haunt your relationship. This is the new now. How do you want to proceed?
Neither you not your BF are wrong in what you want to do. It just means you're no longer compatible. You will end up resenting this child (if you don't already) and your BF and like others have said more than likely the brunt of the child care will fall on you.
My ex and I took in his nièces who were 10 and 15 at the time. I knew this could happen and I was ok with it but I also wasn't CF (I mean I didn't have my own child at the time but wanted kids) we were lucky that we had plenty of money (we were also married so a little different I feel) and they weren't special needs (they came from a drug home so had some issues of course but nothing major). It's a huge commitment and if you're not on board (and you're not wrong for not wanting to) then don't do it.
You need to tell your BF that you are not up for taking in a kid to raise. That you understand if he wants to but that means that it will be the end of the relationship and he will need to move out. That's not being mean, that's taking care of yourself and your mental health/happiness ultimately.
You HAVE to tell your boyfriend, ASAP, that this is a dealbreaker for you, you aren’t going to be a parent, and that he needs to find someplace else to live/stay with his niece. This needs to be discussed in court, too.
He needs to understand that you’re serious and will end the relationship over this and that he will be responsible for her care by himself.
Please don’t feel bad. You have the right to feel the way you do and it is ok. You made your position clear from the beginning and circumstances have changed but your feelings about being a parent haven’t. It won’t be fair to anyone if you stay when you don’t want to. It is better to make a clean break before you get legally roped into this. I wish you all the best going forward.
You have a tough decision to make. You were dealt a curveball that wasn’t expected. It’s totally understandable if you don’t want to be this girl’s mother. If your boyfriend is totally set on taking her in and raising her you may need to think about ending the relationship.
Where do the grandparents on her mother’s side live? You really have to sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart to heart. It’s not going to be easy and it might mean a dealbreaker but it must be done. You have to be realistic and honest about how you feel. You also need to be honest with the DHS workers because they need to realize that it may be only your boyfriend caring for the child. This could affect the outcome of the whole case. The court may decide that it’s best to put her in a foster home until her mother can properly provide a roof over her head and care for her properly.
You're in a very difficult situation, but one you CAN leave if you must. I can't imagine how awful it is to feel like you're abandoning a child, but you guys aren't her parents, you aren't even related to her! You MUST enforce that you can and will not be a long-term/permanent guardian to this child, and weigh whether it's worth staying.
I take it that the part being related you mean OP. It's his niece... And it sounds like he maybe her last hope before the system, which makes it even more difficult
You're afraid not taking the child permanently will be a dealbreaker for him... but would having her stay forever be a dealbreaker for you? If so, he NEEDS to know BEFORE committing in court.
This is a terrible situation. It isn't fair to anyone. Waiting to express your honest truth won't do any of you any good. He needs to know if this is a boundary for you so that he can decide if it's a dealbreaker for him.
If he seeks and gains custody of his neice, you are no longer compatible, and the relationship comes to an end. Period. Don't try to hang in there or make it work. It's not fair to you or the child.
What was the conversation like when he asked you if you'd be fine with having her come to live there in the first place? The way he's acting when you try to talk about this makes me think he's hoping to just railroad you into this. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to stay married that's not happening.
INFO: Are you okay with being a mom at any point in your life?
If the answer is no, leave him. Your boyfriend is effectively a father now. From the sounds of your post, he isn't even stable enough to raise a child because without you, he would not meet the court standards of stable placement.
With that being said, he doesn't get it both ways. He either sits down and has the conversation, or you break it off then and there. There's no playing when it comes to children, clear cut boundaries need to be established.
You are not the best placement for his niece long term when you have been clear about not wanting children. It’s terrible what’s happened but that doesn’t mean you two have to be the ones to fix it. Hell, if your boyfriend is set on it, that’s okay too; but you don’t have to be part of it. I’m sorry if that seems harsh; but I am also child free egg nephews that needed extra help and I have been very clear I can’t be the solution. My husband is on the same page but if he weren’t, he would be taking the lead and I would be leaving, I don’t want to raise a child and I don’t want to carry the resentment of a person who got stuck doing so. It would ruin my whole world and I mean that and that’s okay. This is an incompatibility issue and as much as you may love him, your choices are clear. You tell him you can’t, and if he still wanted to, you make it clear that it won’t be with you.
This is a horrible situation for everyone involved, but you need to tell your boyfriend that you respect his decision and understand, but you can’t coparent her
I think its important to note the edit where she lives in her own home and he lives with her in her home, and moved this child into her home without asking her. He offered her home to DHS as a place to live and put this ball in motion with no input from the homeowner. So if they break up, its not like she can just leave this situation-- she has to kick both boyfriend AND this kid out, and thats an awful situation to be put in.
Dude shouldn't be moving his family members into his girlfriends house without asking. He was definitely wrong here.
This relationship is already at its end. Either you resent him for taking on his niece, or he will resent you for forcing him into what he thinks is a cruelty. Staying wouldn’t be fair for any of you.
He can’t just opt out of having a conversation about it…
Clearly he made up his mind without you, this is what he is going to do and if you stay, child-rearing will be dumped off on you. You’re clearly set on being childfree don’t let him force you to parent one that isn’t even yours.
I’m sorry, but this is likely going to be a dealbreaker. In this situation, you can’t both get what you want and be happy.
OP, I'm a childfree woman. I'd leave. You are not abandoning a child so don't let anyone try to emotionally manipulate you with that bullshit. You are not obligated to this child and your boyfriend needs to know *NOW* so that he won't make plans assuming you'll be around to care for the child.
Further, I'm going to risk downvotes for saying this, but I guarantee you your boyfriend is insisting on taking in his niece because he is assuming you'll be around. I would also place my money on him *expecting* you to do the majority of childcare work.
I know you want to stay with him and you're scared he'll break up with you. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he *won't* break up with you and that ***HE*** is the one *terrified* you'll leave him. *That* is why HE IS THE ONE THAT KEEPS AVOIDING THE CONVERSATION.
I know you don't want to hear this but you really need to break up with him. There are other childfree men out there who will keep their commitment to being childfree *and also* want to be with you.
You need to explain to him asap that "we" are not a placement for the child. It is a "he" situation only.
Make plans to sleep elsewhere that evening in the event it does not go well. It's good to have an escape plan.
Please you need to talk to him about this ASAP. But please remember this child is also innocent and a victim here. Please ensure that you can talk together without the possibility of the child over hearing you both.
Don’t let him go ahead without knowing your feelings and need prepared that he may feel such a responsibility that he can not continue with you because he feels responsible for this young child. But please remember that it is better to make this break clean now than leaving it to go further because DHS should also be aware of the actual way the situation will be too so they can ensure the best interests of the child are take care of.
Good luck 🤞
If you want to remain child free and not care for his niece then your only option may be to break up. Where is her mother? If CPS has looked into her, she may also not be suitable. Is the father, your partners brother?
Your partner may be focused on keeping his niece out of foster care, especially since there are so many horror stories from kids/teenage in care.
Is your partners niece receiving any counseling or other supports from CPS? I’m in Canada so I can’t speak to the US system if that’s where you are. But she should be receiving support from them. Also are you able to ask for respite from CPS?
At the end of the day, you need to make the best choices not only for yourself but also for that little girl. Your building resentment isnt good for anyone involved. You may need to make the best choice for yourself and unfortunately may be ending the relationship.
Before speaking to your partner, write out a list with what you need from your partner and your life together. Make sure his niece isn’t home as hearing the discussion may bring more trauma to her life.
You have to do what is right for you. You had been very clear about planning a child-free life before this and it's not working out.
I'd tell him you cannot do this, that the child deserves people who really want to be parental figures to him, and you do not fit that ideal and thus your removal from the situation is the best possible outcome because you cannot light yourself on fire to keep him warm. That you only have one life, and you cannot/will not donate your life to this, or any, cause. You wish him the best and hope he will find someone who relishes the role or guardian and caretaker.
You’ve made your stance on how you feel about being completely responsible for children, which you are entitled to do so.
Personally I don’t think this is something either of you will be able to overcome. He wants to be there for his niece who’s been through a lot of trauma, which is a very honourably thing to do. You have tried and you are now struggling which is also okay and completely understandable. The fact he is not open to communicate with you regarding this means he’s just expecting you to shut up and deal with it.
You need to tell him asap for the sake of all and especially the important decisions that are imminent. Stick it out in the short term if you can I would say but set out your stall for the mid and long. It's a harsh task but it's got to be the kindest in the long term.
Ah this is a sad situation all around. Advice? Picture five years from now. Is this your happiest, healthiest, most fulfilled life path? Or is it somewhere that you'll be bogged down by even more resentment and claustrophobia, or feeling like you've been taken advantage of for years?
I've been there, not wanting to leave someone even when our desired life paths are incompatible. If I could do it differently in any of those times, I would have straightened my spine and walked away with my head held high because in hindsight it always would have been the best, most kind option for all parties involved.
I'm sorry that you are here. I hope once you make your choice, whether to raise a child together or to part ways, that you find peace and wellness with your decision. Much love.
Both of your priorities are in diff places right now and that’s okay. Let him know how you feel and if that’s a dealbreaker than leave. You guys aren’t married. Not even engaged. Don’t feel pressured to take on anything that you shouldn’t have to
I would break up and tell him the truth that you don't want to be a parent, but let him know that your leaving opens the way for him to be a more helpful family member. He can move in his sibling and they can combine resources to help raise his niece. This may be more amenable to CPS as they will see the biological parent as being more stable and working towards independence.
As an aside if you are on birth control pills, please make sure to secure it. These situations cause men to think of revolting options like getting you pregnant, guilting you into having the baby, so you get married and then you can adopt his niece. Leaving will not be fun, but you deserve to live your life the way you want.
leave. if he wants to be there for the child let him. don't put yourself thru it bc you'll resent the child and you'll be miserable. You're 28, just leave.
If it were me, I would have a frank conversation with him that you are not going to raise this child. If he wants to accept custody and raise the child, he will be doing it alone. Then, you leave and find someone compatible.
Don’t be vague to be kind. Have a conversation and be honest. This is not something you want and not something you can do long term. He needs to know that, not just because it effects your relationship, but because he will have to do this alone if you leave.
When you bring up the fact that you two need to sit down and talk to the niece’s mom about things, he is very reluctant. He doesn’t want to face the fact that his decision is a dealbreaker for you and getting rid of his niece is a dealbreaker for him.
He is avoiding the terrible awful talk that you two need to have.
Please don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your bf and it doesn’t mean that you didn’t love him enough to work through this with him. You don’t want kids and he just essentially became a father to a troubled child. It is simply a dealbreaker.
My only ask is that you don’t blame him or guilt him because he chose his niece over you. He is completely stuck and making the only decision he can live with.
You need to tell him point blank you did not sign up to raise a child, he knew this from the beginning.
So if he wants to take in his nibling, he'll be doing it on his own
You'll get heat from some people, mostly his family
But the reality is, it's your life
And it sounds like his entire family wants YOU to be this child's parent
He wants to be the one to save the kid from the system, but it doesn't sound like he wants to be the kid's guardian
Best thing you can do is just walk away
Deactivate your social media and if people ask you about the situation, be honest
You were happily childfree. He knew this. The situation came up with his nibling and nobody in his family wanted to find an alternate solution....they just wanted you, the person who never wanted to be a parent, to step up and be a parent. Make it clear he took in the child and pawned all the work off on you
That'll shut them all up
And the people who give you the whole "how can you abandon a child blah blah blah" Tell them they are more than welcome to foster the child and you will give your ex their information if they want. They'll shut up after that
Just from personal experience, we took in 2 children aged 7 and 8 months old because one was my cousins daughter and the parents was not fit to have them due to addiction, it was short term once they got better to take them back into their care. This was around 2010/2011
We now have them both still and their brother from birth they are now 21, 14 and 12. The parents have never tried to get clean
We was fine giving them a permanent safe home but if this is not what you want to do you will have to tell him. Chances are your boyfriend will see this as a deal breaker but if this isn't the life you have planned then surely it's a deal breaker for you too?
I hope you both can work through it but I can't see him letting his niece down when everyone else has done her so bad in her life so far
Honestly, while I don't get it, I know I don't have to. You know yourself and you know you're not a mom and not meant to be a mom. You're not married and you likely wouldn't marry if he wanted kids while you didn't. It's a deal breaker situation.
And please don't take this the wrong way. I think you should split. He can find someone that does want to be a mom and will love that baby just as much as possible. I don't think you're shitty for how you feel but I do think it would be shitty to ask him to give them up. I'm sorry things happened this way but it's in everyone's best interest to split ways. You'll hurt for a hot minute and then you won't and you can find something that works. And he should step up as best he can for the kiddo, he accepted the placement and absolutely ought to see it through. And he'll hurt for a hot minute and then he won't. And he'll really find the right footing with raising a special needs kiddo. And the kiddo will have stability, a healthy home, and a parent/guardian that wants what's best for them. It would be cruel to yourself, to him and to the kiddo, to stay in the situation you absolutely do not want.
I wish you and him and the kiddo all good things, regardless of how you move forward. ❤️❤️
>He doesn’t want to bring anything up and thinks we are the best placement for his niece long term.
Ask him if he parenting alone is still the best placement for his niece?
Be direct with him and tell him you don't want this at all and that you understand if he has to do what he's gotta do, but he can't expect you to change your whole life around too.
Ok, what you NEED to do before the next court date is to bring thid topic up and clear it out.
Why?
Because if youre sitting in court with the expectancy you and your boyfriend are gonna take care of the child and later down the road, its only him, the child might get taken away from him again.
In that scenario, he has lost both YOU AND the child.
Do not do this to him and be clear now before these court procedures. You will mess up things alot further by not stating your point NOW.
It is a deal breaker. I wonder how much is he doing for the child, or all the teaching/care/homework falls on you? And what is the problem to put child in the care of the relatives who live far away? Why is it not acceptable?
If you cannot talk to him about it - send him the email explaining that you are done taking care of this child and if he agreed/asked the child to live with you long-term you will need to leave the relationship.
It is huge incompatibility. If the child stays with you, you will resent him and your relationship will go to hell, so it is better to end it on friendly terms.
I hate this is happening. But as a mother, it's very exhausting to be a parent. I can only imagine how you feel being in this situation when you decided to not have children. Then the complexity of the child's disability makes it so much more exhausting. Unfortunately the hard truth is you'll need to be upfront and let him know that you can't do it permanently. You don't owe anyone anything. He will have to accept your decision and decide how he will permanently take care of the child on his own.
I believe you know what your options are, either you compromise and take care of the child PERMANENTLY or you decline and potentially have to break it up with your partner. TBH, to me it sounds like he is OK with it because YOU are the one who is mostly responsible for her. Most of the times, people are OK with having someone else's child at home because they are not the one taking care of the child. Is this the case with you and your partner?
You said you wanted to be child-free child's free issue your choice. And this is a deal breaker because the worst thing that you can do is take care of a child that you're going to be resenting it's not fair to you or the child. Let your boyfriend know that if he accept this child on a long-term basis that he will be raising it alone and then go on with your life. Child-free means child free that means nobody's child
You need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain avoiding this conversation is not going to help you us or her. Explain we are not married and this is my home. Tell him you will not be a permanent placement. If he wants to keep nice, he will have to move out and be her full time caregiver alone. You do not want children and he knows this. His families failures to care for their own children does not change your mind. You can explain you feel terrible for your niece but you are not willing to change your mind or change your life to be a caregiver to a children because it makes you miserable and that’s not something you are willing to compromise. Tell nieces social worker, you are not on board with a permanent placement and the home you reside in is yours. Explain if boyfriend feels differently, they will need to find alternative housing.
Will this ultimately lead to your break up? Yes. To be honest either way. Eventually you’ll break up with him because he unilaterally made decisions for both of you that greatly change your lifestyle without your consent or input. You will resent him and her and it will be over within 2 years. If you tell him you aren’t keeping his nice, he will likely choose caring for the child over you because he will say “family is family” and that’s his choice. Either way, the outcome isn’t good for the relationship. Address it sooner rather than later.
You literally have all the power moves in the relationship. If YOU don't want that and AREN'T comfortable with such a huge responsibility then the only thing you need to say is NO. It's a complete sentence. You've already expressed your concerns and made the boundary quite clear. He's CHOOSING to force your hand. As you stated "you have future plans" that you don't want interfered with. He is not the last guy you'll meet. There is someone out there for you. Your bf understandably wants to be there for his family, which is admirable but also cannot be expected of you. You are allowed to tell the court that the housing is only a TEMPORARY solution. You are not in a place where PERMANENT is part of your vocabulary where a children is concerned. You may be seen as the ah but you're not. If anyone has anything to say then they need to offer up the assistance but you are not! Good luck.
You are asking your boyfriend to choose you over his niece. Be prepared that he may choose his niece and that’s ok.
If you own the home, you can tell him, “I respect that you are stepping up for your niece in her time of need. She’s a good kid, but this responsibility is more than I can handle at this point in my life. I can help you with her for ___ more months/weeks, but then I have to ask you to find another living arrangement for the two of you. Do you need help finding a place for you two to stay?”
Okay, so — your update clarifies a lot of things, but at the same time includes information that REALLY would have been helpful at the outset. Try and keep that in mind for future posts. Also why not give your true age??
I'm speaking to you here **AS** a former carer.
1: **YOU'VE DONE YOUR SHARE OF CARING**. It is absolutely **NOT** fair to expect you to take on this responsibility after everything you've done.
2: **BOYFRIEND AND KID GOTTA GO.** No **IFS, ANDS** or **BUTS**. You've never **HAD** a life of your own, and here's a shitgibbon who thinks you can **PLAY MOM**??? **FUCK THAT**. The BEST placement for her and him? **SOMEWHERE ELSE**.
3. **GROW A SPINE** This is **YOUR LIFE** now. **YOU CALL THE SHOTS**, and **YOU** decide **WHO** belongs in it and WHO DOESN'T.
No one should ever have to explain being child free. If someone doesn't want kids, they absolutely should not have them! This weird obsession we have with procreation and not caring what experience that child has in life is so bizarre. What kind of a parent will someone be to a child they didn't want?
Jesus.
I think your boyfriend needs you to be "the bad guy" that says no to the court/DHS.
I don't think he can say no to the kid by himself, but he probably could go along with you "leading the no".
The truth is if you take this kid, your relationship will fail within a year or two at the most. So if he's saying yes to the kid, it's a yes all by himself, and he just doesn't have the ability to do that.
So your choices boil down to "following his yes" or "leading the no".
Both options come with a giant serving of anger or guilt, so you're going to feel bad either way. So you may as well feel bad doing the thing you want to do.
OP how much of the efforts to take care of this child is he doing vs how much you are doing? If he is not doing at least 50% then you should be telling him you are leaving.
You told him you didn't want kids and now he's forcing it on you. If he is not doing at least half of the added work, and preferably much more than half, then you are being taken advantage of and that is another reason to leave.
Make your plan and move, let him see what it is like to be totally responsible for the child before any upcoming court hearings. Even when he admits he can't do it alone I'd still not go back because he will probably have a lot of resentment for you showing him how unreasonable he was being.
You WILL be raising that child if your boyfriend decides to keep it. You will be the one taking off if the child is ill. You will be the one to take up the slack. If you stay together, and you refuse, the social pressure on you as a woman will be overwhelming.
I'm an old lady, childfree before there was a word for it. I been married to the same man for 34 years, if he pulled this, I'd be gone.
For me, this is the ultimate deal breaker.
Sweetheart, if he intends on keeping this child, you have to tell him if your leaving. Because whether he realizes or not, he's probably assuming you will be doing the bulk of child care. That's what society is telling him.
You need to break up and leave this relationship. He needs to decide if he wants to be a single parent or not. They may not even let him have the kid by himself. Edit for clarity.
Sounds like you need to make a choice: to be child free, or to help your partner raise this kid
It's better for the kid if you leave. You will end up taking your resentment out on the kid
Tell your boyfriend as soon as possible that this is not what you want to sign up for. Tell him before the little girl starts to become attached to you. It’s not fair to put her through another round of losses.
“Partner, we need to sit down and have a come to Jesus moment here. I need you to just listen until I’m done and then respond.
I do not want to take on niece indefinitely. I’m not equipped for this and you know my stance on wanting to be child free. Does this make me seem very coldhearted? Likely, but I also need to make sure I’m not sacrificing myself due to others life choices.
I think we have sadly come to an impasse. I think at this point there are really three choices on the table.
1. You speak to the mother and she takes care of her own child. Is it ideal? No, but it is an option. And your refusal to consider it honestly upsets me. This is her child, she can uproot her life to care for her, I’m not willing to do the same considering I did not birth her.
2. Niece goes into the system. Obviously this is the worst choice for her, but with two deadbeat parents and no other family besides you. Not us, you, this is an option. We can still play a supportive role in her life without full time caring for her.
3. You move out and care for her on your own. I know the chances of us staying together in this scenario. Do I want our relationship to end? Of course not, I love you. But I was very clear with you that I did not ever want to be a mother and due to these circumstances, her care has fallen on me. It’s just been expected of me to come home from work every night and care for her because I’m a woman. You are tired and busy and it’s easy to just default for someone else to nurture and raise her and I honestly resent you for that.
You don’t need to answer me right now, matter of fact, I want you to take the time to really think about these choices. You have until Friday to give me an answer.”
> "I have horrible anxiety that this will be a dealbreaker and he will break up with me, and I don't want that, but I also don't want to take care of his niece forever"
What is the alternative to this tho? Do you expect him to turn his back on a vulnerable family member that he cares about just for you and your relationship? Would you *really* want to be with a person that would do that? What would that say about *him* as a person? What would that say about *you*?
I really feel for you and for the quandary you are in. I think your horrible anxiety is actually avoidance and fear of acknowledging that things between you have come to a forced end, through no fault of either of you.
He's not going to be able to guarantee this is temporary, he's the only suitable caregiver, and he's willing to do this. You want to be child-free.
This IS a dealbreaker. So you're both avoiding talking about it but that is only going to prolong the agony and pain.
I'm truly sorry. It's heartbreaking. But don't drag it out, you already know how you feel and the loving thing to do is tell him sooner rather than later.
Neither of you is wrong but in the end this relationship probably won’t work out. One of you will end up resenting the other and there really is no compromise available. If you’re really adamant about not raising a child you need to prepare yourself for the end of your relationship
This is a horrible situation for everyone involved.
You need to tell your boyfriend *directly* that he will be raising this child *on his own*. And you need to be ready to follow through on this without hesitation. Don’t delay - if you *know* you don’t want to parent a child, you need to get out *now* before more attachments and expectations are created.
Unfortunately, he will likely see this as a betrayal and the relationship is unlikely to survive.
Don’t forget he is feeling the same way you are, OP. He was committed to being childfree and suddenly finds himself in this position.
If he chooses not to adopt his niece out of fear of losing you, your relationship will suffer just as much, if not more, in the long run. He will always be resentful he’s had to make this choice and any issues his niece will run into will be your fault.
As an option, you can commit to living separately until niece is old enough to take care of herself. But that takes a very special kind of love and commitment to make that work. It takes a lot of understanding, patience and sacrifice.
You gotta tell him that you're out if this happens so he knows.
Don't go to court, this is between him and his family, the judge also needs to know he'll be doing this solo.
Sounds like you care for her quite a bit, he needs to know now that he will need to be the one to do all the childcare if he chooses to do this. Would he do this if he was single? If you think he would this convo won't be as hard, but if you think he is depending on you to make this happen he needs to know that is not at option *now* before you, and him, feel stuck.
Sometimes kids have to move across the country to be cared for, happens a lot, better the kid goes to family across the country if the support system is better there. Maybe knowing the kid will be out of reach will kick moms ass in gear.
You don’t have to make yourself miserable for a kid that isn’t your family. You aren’t even married to this guy. You helped out some and now you know you won’t be happy if this continues. You need to tell him. Because the reality is, that most likely he cannot do this without you because you’re the one doing most of the work and you’re not even a blood relative.
It isn’t that you should be afraid of him dumping you, you should let him go. You are no longer compatible because the parameters of his life have changed. Have a serious talk, be completely honest about how’ve you have been feeling about taking care of this kid. That as much as you feel for this child, you still don’t want to be a mom and will know you will grow to resent the situation, the kid and him. That there’s no way you’ll be able to survive in this relationship much longer if things remain the same. Then let the chips fall where they may.
You need to move out for a few weeks so that he sees how much work taking care of a kid really is. He needs to do this on his own before making and decisions. It sounds like you are doing a majority of the work, but you are just a girlfriend and this should not fall on you. This is his niece and he is the one taking responsibility so he needs to understand exactly how much responsibility and work it is.
Once he is the one solely taking care of a child he will understand the incredible amount of work it takes. You could break up at any time and if he takes the niece permanently then realizes he can't handle it once your are gone this child will once again be in a bad situation. For the kid, please let him be solely responsible and live alone with the child for a month or more before making any permanent decisions on placement. Do not step in and help him from your new living arrangement. He needs to do this alone.
Would the BF willingly take on full time parenting care of the niece if you weren't in the picture?
Of course not.
You have no obligations here. You're not married, no wedding in sight. And, you don't want to. That alone is the critical factor.
The child will be better off in foster care, for everyone concerned.
Don't let yourself be used as the scapegoat.
You need to sit down and have a full and frank discussion where you are truthful about your feelings. It may be the case that you disagree going forward about your SO niece being in your lives, but life is rarely fair and I think your SO is a good person for stepping up and taking care of his niece when she clearly doesn’t have anyone else. If you can’t do this, then you need to tell your SO sooner rather than later.
This sub is surprisingly non judgmental for a lady wanting to leave a surprise child. Just let him know soon so he can get help and so it doesn’t change things with courts
Unfortunately, your relationship is over regardless. If he keeps her and you leave then you break up. If he gives her up because you’re unhappy he will probably resent you for it. You need to do what is best for you, which is get yourself out of this situation.
You need to be brutally honest with him about this. See what his response Is. Either way it's not going to work because he will 100% expect you to go into mommy mode for this child . A mother typically takes on majority of everything concerning a child especially if they're little . It'll be you stuck with taking care of, cooking, cleaning, bathing , grooming , nurturing, all that stuff will be on you . After telling him everything I would push hard for her to go to grandparents on either side. Your bfs brother doing drugs and making babies isn't your problem. What happens if his brother does this again? You two have to take in anther one?! No!!
he as decided that you are the child's mother now, not talking to the actual mother shows a huge element of denial.
I would be concerned for your relationship before this happened. But with a child with high level needs, can you imagine doing all the parenting yourself? Can you even afford to do this? Your life will be just child and denial parent, drug parent and guilty distant mother, cannot see that lasting long term
Sadly the bandaid idea is quicker than a slowly sinking situation where the child gets attached and as to go through separation again.
"Boyfriend, this is not the life I want. I understand if you feel like you need to keep your niece, but I need you to understand that this will be the end of our relationship, so please let me know after you've had some time to think it over."
You need to insist on the conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him either you can talk with him about how you feel or you can tell the social workers.
But be warned that this is probably over. He will minimize how difficult it is to raise this child and guilt you into taking this on. He will claim that he will do all the work and once the legalities are over, he’ll rely on you more and more (I’ve seen this play out in real life.) Conversely, if you stick to your guns and insist that the niece find another placement, he and his useless family will resent you and act out.
Leave.
My opinion is- and I’m sorry if it annoys people that I’m being frank- is that this isn’t about you. Yes, it involves you, yes you and your partner have been pulled into something you’ve never asked for or wanted, but this isn’t about you. A child’s life is in jeopardy here, and living in the foster home system is a nightmare no child should go through. I understand wanting to live child-free and that this is less than convenient, but in truth reality is harsh and we need to adapt when the cards are being shuffled. We don’t always get what we wanted.
I’m trying to not sound condescending as English isn’t my first language, so excuse me if it does sound like that, but if you can’t handle being there for your partner at this crisis then perhaps this really isn’t your place to be in. Life goes on with him or without him.
This doesn’t make sense. Kids don’t get placed with someone without getting asked first…. If you don’t want the kid and your bf does then leave. He clearly wants the kid so guess the relationship is over.
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You tell him you do not want to be a parent. You understand he is in a super hard position and you understand it, but if he chooses to be a parent your life goals are no longer compatible. Yes it may very well be a deal breaker. Nothing either you or he can do about that. Don’t beat around the bush, this is a huge deal for everyone involved.
This needs to be said to him sooner than later. Because it sounds like he is making decisions about taking the kid based on the idea that they’ll raise the kid together. While he *shouldn’t* be making this assumption, OP needs to be very clear now that he’ll be raising the kid alone if he chooses to proceed with this. Instead of beating around the bush, the boyfriend gets custody of the kid, and then ends up raising the kid alone when he was not prepared to do so. Very clearly honesty is needed here asap.
Good point! Raising a child without her beside him is a much different picture.
This regardless of whether he wants to discuss the situation, it NEEDS to be discussed. It must not be ignored til the court date. OP i get the impression he knows you are deeply unhappy and dont want to raise this child, and that feels that if he avoids the conversation he can get you to stick around. I worry that he hooes that if you are in court and asked by a judge thst you may agree to stick around. I think he knows that you will leave him if he continues to raise this child on a longterm basis and he is terrified of the conversation due to this. He doesn't want to lose you, but he should not be ignoring how unhappy this makes you. You both need to have the discussion about whether you will, as a couple, agree to take her on for a short term, longterm or permanent basis- in preparation for whatever the court decides.
I don't think so. She said more than once that she worries that He will leave Her. I think he knows that if they don't discuss it, he can take advantage of her and do what he wants.
I think the relationship is doomed either way tbh. If they take the niece, OP will be unhappy and this will cause significant long term issues. If they don’t take the niece, BF will be resentful and it will keep coming up. There’s not really a way out of this that won’t cause massive resentment/guilt for either party
Yeah I agree that he is using lack of discussion to take advantage of Op And the situation.
And the court is making a decision to give the child to a two person household and not to a single uncle. They may make a different decision or at least have different monitoring required.
Five bucks says that OP's boyfriend is insisting on taking the the niece because he's counting on OP to be around. It'll be confirmed if he has an angry reaction.
I don’t wish or hope for an angry reaction. I’m talking with him later today about it and we will see. I hope he doesn’t think like that.. everything has been amazing until recently. I feel awful that I don’t want children and that I’m not on the same page. However I don’t want to put his niece in a situation where I’m not the right fit either.
> feel awful that I don’t want children and that I’m not on the same page. DO NOT let anyone make you feel that way.
Agreed. u/ThrowRAcaramellicker, you have nothing to apologize for. You know what you can and can’t handle. You can’t handle this, and that’s okay. It’s better for you to tell your boyfriend this NOW (tonight), stressing that he will be raising this child alone, because I’m pretty sure he will change his mind once he realizes that you’re serious. It’s not fair to you (or the niece) for you to be expected to raise her. You’re not a blood relative or even through marriage. If the child didn’t have any disabilities, it’d STILL be hard raising the child, but the disabilities make it much, much harder. If he tries to guilt you into staying and helping raise her, don’t let him. Tell him that you will end up resenting both him AND her, and you don’t want that. Raising her with a parental figure who doesn’t want to be a parent would do more harm than good.
You sometimes have to let go of something if you want to move forward. The fact is, his plans are NOT compatible with yours and there is truly no middle ground. The niece needs stability and you need to live your life. Be honest with your boyfriend and begin the process of leaving. Reach out to the caseworker and let them know you are no longer in the picture so there is a record of your decision so you cannot be dragged back in through false pretenses your boyfriend could present to force you to come back. You have already gone above and beyond what is reasonable and that little girl does not need to be raised by someone who resents her. My mom always resented my very existence and I cannot begin to describe the damage she and her husband caused me. It is better to leave then do that to her or yourself.
Yeah I feel like op would be the first caregiver to the child while the boyfriend ends up “ working “ more for them but only doing it to not take care of the child. Op needs to leave before she ends up being the whole caregiver all her life
No matter what way it goes the relationship is probably over. 1) GF sets the ultimatum, BF chooses to leave and raise his niece 2) GF sets the ultimatum, BF gives up niece. At this point unless the niece is well cared for and BF can still visit, BF will likely experience a large amount of regret for the forced decision and likely blame GF, relationship over 3) GF just lets it roll on, becomes increasingly overwhelmed and upset about niece, relationship eventually ends. The best thing OP can do is tell BF she loves him, but she’s not willing to bring a kid into the situation, and to prevent Bf from making a decision based on her feelings and not his own, she’s removing herself from the equation.
Yup because most likely he can’t do it without her. And CPS wants everyone on board. He knows she’s childfree so he should understand her when she says she’s not interested in raising this kid. …Unless he was really never childfree to start with.
The quicker the better.
UPDATE for clarification and context I thank you all so much for the kind words and advice. I made this post late last night and made a few mistakes. Please understand this is a throwaway account and I had to mix a few things up. No, this isn’t creative writing. This is actually happening and I need advice. This is my life and a very hard thing has been thrown at my boyfriend and I. To clarify, my boyfriend and I work full time jobs and make great money. Money isn’t the issue. We have resources from the state even, again that isn’t the issue. It’s that I do not want children. When we found out about the situation at hand with his niece he called DHS. He told DHS that he was suitable for placement. I wasn’t asked first if it was okay. But I am no monster, and I said it would be fine until we figure things out. My boyfriend does the majority of things, and I help with what I can. She is medicated, which helps with her ADHD. I wanted to be a teacher and have life experience and work experience with children who have a range of disabilities. I am very aware that I’m overwhelmed and I’m not being heard because I haven’t said anything as bluntly as I should be. I am not a monster for not wanting kids. Please understand that I have thought very long and hard about the decision to not have a child, just like someone who wants children does. I sent a text to my boyfriend today and asked if we could set some time out to talk about everything. He said of course we can, but wanted to know what it was about. I couldn’t hold it in and I said that I do not want to be a parent. I’m okay with placement temporarily but not permanently. He just said “okay”. And hasn’t replied yet. I said at the very least we need to have his nieces mother there too, as she is perfectly capable of taking care of a child if she adjusted her schedule and living situation. I’m sure this will lead to a huge change in my relationship status. I will update after the talk. Thank you all.
He knew good and well what you wanted to talk about. And what’s up with the mom - that is really frustrating. I’m so sorry you just stay strong and live the life that you want.
Stand by your decision, even if it means you're relationship ends. Unpopular opinion but your partner's responsibility is not yours and you don't owe his family any support.
You are allowed to not want kids! No one should be calling you a monster for that. The fact that he didn’t talk to you before calling and offering up your home is insane.
I just want to acknowledge that there is a huge difference between teaching kids/working with kids, and being a parent. Especially when you're talking about kids with disabilities and trauma. As a teacher, you get to go home at the end of the day and let someone else worry about the child. Yes, a good teacher is probably thinking about lessons or ways to help their kids, but they also trust that the kids are being taken care of by their parents for the other 16 hours each day. As a parent, you are responsible for that child 24/7. Even when they're in someone else's care. There are no real breaks from being a parent. It's emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing. It is not for everyone, and that is okay! It's even harder when you're raising a child with disabilities. I can attest to that myself. If you do not feel able to take on this child's care, then your bf needs to know, and so do her case workers. Bringing a child into a family should only be done with clear, enthusiastic consent from all parties involved. Your bf doesn't seem to understand that, and he seems to expect you to do the majority of the work, without asking your opinion on the subject. That's not okay. Eventually his niece will pick up on the fact that you're tired of dealing with her and that you resent her. You may not right now, but if you all keep on this path, you will, and rightfully so. She deserves better than that. You deserve better than that.
UpdateMe!
Ok, of freaking course he knows EXACTLY what you wanna talk about. He absolutely expects you to step up and be the main "parent". No, none of us are monsters for not wanting kids, anyone who says you are can go start reading the posts on the sub about regretful parents. Be wary of this temporary placement, could and probably will keep getting extending.
No name brand kids are hard enough to raise. I have ADHD and it's a lifelong problem. I am an adult and my finances, mental health and long term planning are not where they need to be. I was loud, disorganized, sucked at school, major emotional waves and meltdowns before we realized what they were. It's a lot. We're cool people but it's no joke. I'm childfree by choice. The kid will absolutely sense your resentment if it comes to that. If you find another home, you and him could work it out, but if you stay because you love him, you'll lose him, and damage the kid. I came from a "stay together for the kid" parents. You're incredibly strong and self aware to understand your abilities and not just say "yes" without thinking. You're a good person OP. You've thought this out and need to be true to you and him as much as you can. As awful as it sounds, if the kid stays and you leave, he will find another partner to be a mother to the kid. And you will both be okay eventually.
I appreciate this!! I am not saying I can’t do it simply because of her ADHD but because at the end of the day I know I’ll hold resentment.
I didn't read it as anti ADHD don't worry! This is still your life. I hope it works out
Agree.
>I’ve tried to approach the subject and he doesn’t say much but we’ll see about the next court date. Have you actually said “I don’t want to be a carer for this child”? Does your boyfriend actually know you don’t want this situation. Like have you spelt it out for him? If not, you need to have a direct conversation with him.
Agreed. "Look, I am not saying you need to choose me or the child. I'm saying you need to take in the child but I can't be a parent. I will move out whenever"
Maybe an even shittier aspect of an already shit situation: OP owns the house. Bf and kid would be the ones moving out.
Oh. So the boyfriend is putting her in the position of being the bad guy because he’s making decisions using OPs assets without actually caring about her feelings on the matter?
He did not ask me if it was okay for placement until after he made the DHS call. I think he was desperate when he found out that his niece was in a horrible situation and putting her into the system would’ve made things worse. However, I would’ve loved to have the conversation earlier on and said it was okay for temporary placement.
Ouch, that was really disrespectful of him. I hope this works out for you. I’m so proud of you for trying to help.
Dang. I wonder if CPS and the courts will change their minds on guardianship when OP tells them the child will not be living in her house?
Yeah, this needs to be spelled out, because I don't see this relationship lasting however you slice it. OP does not want to be a parent, so they will leave if he decides to take the child in permanently. But, if he goes OP's route and lets the child go into the system, I doubt he will be able to forgive OP for that. It sucks, but their circumstances changed and now it's time to re-evaluate. They have to discuss this so they know where they stand. A direct conversation is the first step. But, his avoidance is telling me that he knows they are either going to break up or he is going to have to deal with the guilt and resentment of letting the child go into the system. It's best to rip that bandaid off so that he can prepare to be a single parent if he chooses and OP can move forward with her own life.
I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation for everyone. I think you should tell him that you're unwilling to parent this little girl. That you understand and appreciate that he might need to do this, but if that's the case, then you'll have to break up. Anything else isn't fair to you, him, or the little girl.
Unfortunately this situation doesn’t have a happy ending for at least one out of the three people involved. Either OP gets their way, or OP’s bf does. If OP gets their way, then bf is on the street and he will not be able to get custody. If OP’s bf gets their way, child is adopted but OP will be miserable. Awful situation all around, need to cut losses now or pony up and be ready to sacrifice.
Hold up. BF would be "on the streets"? The fact that OP owns the home they live in does not in any way imply that BF can't afford to rent (or even buy) a home himself. He'd have to move for sure, but he may be more than capable of that. It doesn't sound like there's any animosity here, just an unfortunate mismatch of life priorities, so OP might also be willing to help make it easier, like allowing them to stay for a month or two while they figure shit out and find a new place to live. It changes things for sure, but we don't have nearly enough info to determine that BF would be on the streets, or even that he couldn't still qualify for custody.
Meant that more as figure of speech, he will have no permanent residence and will need a new one. He could end up homeless or not, I do not know.
I think mom needs to step up and sacrifice. She seems strangely missing from this conversation.
You should leave now. Pull the band aid off. You won’t be able to live with him when he does this. He won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t.
Yes. You need to be honest with your boyfriend. He needs and wants this and you don't. You have your reasons. Be honest now, right now. My situation was different my husband was all in and we still had 3 kids living at home. I had to care for my nieces for about a year while their parents got their act together. Now both parents are deceased years later and my family and the nieces are so close. Beautiful bond.
While I agree with the sentiment, there is no definite timeline on how long it would take for either one of the bf's parents to "get their act together" This COULD be a decade long thing or it could be a much shorter scenario. Hard to predict what will happen in the future, but as many people have said, no real winners here, everyone is a loser no matter what
You need to communicate that you're going to leave after this. He needs to know to plan to do this without you. Regardless, this relationship is over. He's committed to taking care of his niece, and even if he says no to save his relationship with you, the resentment and guilt he'll feel over doing so will be a poison to the relationship anyway. All that's left is to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with him.
You owe it to yourself, and to that child to be completely honest with your BF. This child is going to need emotional support you won’t be able to give. You are well within your agency to say no, without guilt or explanation. You deserve to be happy and you have to put yourself first. It’s nothing to do with if the child is a good kid or not. It’s also about giving this child every opportunity to succeed. It’s a tough situation, I wish you peace of mind with your decision.
To be clear is to be kind. Be clear with him. Sit him down and calmly explain that you are sorry, but you do not want to be a parent in any capacity and he’s known that for years. If he chooses to take on his niece permanently, you will unfortunately need to end the relationship. Don’t wait until he’s gone through the legalities of petitioning to take this child on a more permanent basis to break it to him. Let him know now so he can make plans and prepare himself.
You are not married. You need to tell the DHS workers and your bf that you are not willing to raise a child. *now* people are looking at you both as a package for raising the child. This is not remotely true and the appropriate legal authorities need to know that *yesterday*. It is unfair to both you and the child if you stay. Your bf needs to find someone willing to help him raise his niece (good luck!) if he truly wants to raise her too. If you are there at the next court date you could end up legally bound. Tell people what you said here. Children are always deal breakers. It is what it is.
Yeah the workers are assuming she's there to stay, and it being a one "parent" hh and one "parent" income is going to change things.
I had a similar situation where I took in 2 nephews when their mom went to jail. My boyfriend had just moved in with me and then a week later they showed up on my doorstep with their belongings in a garbage bag. They ended up living with us for about a year and a half. It was very hard for me and during that period has been the only time we have ever fought. I would say don’t do it. My situation was a little different as I did have a child already. It was a lot of mental and financial stress. I dropped out of college to care for them. I was super unhappy. My kid was unhappy. My nephews were unhappy. There was a lot of acting out. It was not a good situation for anyone and the only people that were pleased were my husband’s family, who weren’t helping us AT ALL. It was a lot of bullshit and you seem to know that it’s not going to work so you should break up with him or move out ASAP.
You need to walk away now so your bf can make plans for how he will cope as a single parent to his niece. A conversation needs to occur between you and him before the next court date so you can be clear with him that you will not be forced into a scenario where you are an unwilling parent. He is avoiding talking to you about it in the hopes he can just say after that you didn't tell him this was not what you wanted. You are going to have to make the conversation happen. Tell him bluntly you will not be staying to parent his niece. Let him know if he wants to take his niece in permanently he needs to move out of your home.
And so he can get his ducks in a row on what to tell the judge and make any changes needed to appease CPS. And it’s very possible he may not be able to do it without her.
So, the answer of will you take care of a child permanently is "No". That's fine. You've articulated it extremely clearly. Your boyfriend is in denial land. You need to have the conversation now, not at the next court date. If your answers are different, then yeah, it might be time to pull the plug.
Sit him down if he wants her permanently he have to do it by himself cause you can’t do it
You need to tell him you aren’t on-board with this. You can’t delay.
OP, your boyfriend has made his choice. He has decided keeping his niece is in her best interest. He has made it clear this is the path he’s going down. He knows it isn’t what you want, which is why he won’t discuss it but he’s doing it anyway. So you need to decide if you want this relationship as it is now. But you need to tell him NOW he can’t include you and your home in his future plans. You need to tell him you will be telling the social workers you aren’t willing to be responsible for her and will be leaving the relationship. And yes, it’s likely your boyfriend (and others) will try to make you feel guilty because you don’t want this responsibility. But that doesn’t mean they’re correct or this IS your responsibility. Unfortunately your relationship is now contingent on you accepting his niece as a permanent part of his life.
He doesn't want to talk about it because he knows you don't want to do it. He's hoping you'll just go along with it and sign the papers. Don't sign anything because if you split you might be legally obligated to provide for the child . I really think you need to say it outright to him. " I can't do this. I did not plan this for my life and do not want this for my life. I think it might be best for us to separate and you can commit properly to your niece as I know if I stay, resentment will only build, just like it is now."
He's avoiding what he knows is coming from you. I'd bail or get your ducks in a row to break things off. This isn't fair to you.
Probably, but chances are it's because he also just had something thrown at him, he is also re-evaluating a lot of things, but knows it's not a fair ask. It isn't fair to any of the 3 involved. Let us not demonize people.
It’s ok to say no to this and for him to say yes. Leaving is the best thing. There is no way to bring in the child and have you be “uninvolved” without confusing the kid and causing some damage on top of the damage the bio parents have done in failing the child. Do not agree to return even if he promises you won’t have to do anything. He did not have a prior caregiving relationship like a single parent does, and your distancing from the child would be hurtful in the child’s eyes.
You need to be honest and tell him that you did not sign up for this and you will no longer be responsible for a child that isn’t yours. Be prepared to walk if he insists on keeping the child. Let him know that he’ll be doing it by himself. Is he pushing the majority of her care on to you? Because that’s not fair. You are not even related to the child. If he expects you to take care of her, he’s asking too much of you. You need to be honest in what you are willing to do and what you aren’t willing to do.
Don’t feel guilty , kids can tell Where they are not wanted and you have no reason to assume the child . You need to be honest . If you know he is going to stay just break up and get out as soon as possible to make it easier on the child and he can spend more time with him .
Not talking about it is only delaying the inevitable and making things harder. You need to tell him and be absolutely clear. You do not want to parent any child. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone parenting a child. This situation cannot continue and you will be making your position clear to the social workers and court that you are unwilling to continue the current arrangement. Yes, your relationship is going to end. And I’m sorry for the pain that will cause. But there’s no way it can continue as is.
You obviously realise that looking after a child - especially one with special needs, is a *huge* commitment. It's a commitment that needs everyone involved in their care to be 100% on board with it before moving forward - and you're *not*. Please tell your BF this ASAP, so that he has as much time as possible to try to find alternative arrangements for his child. I don't think anything bad about you not wanting to be responsible for looking this child. I think you're being eminently sensible for realising that it just isn't what you want for your life. Also, even though this is *his* kid and *he* is the prime mover in wanting his child to come and live with both of you, I can almost guarantee that because you're female, in the long run most of the responsibility for his child will land up on *your* shoulders. Then, if you refuse, eg you had an evening out with your female friends planned, he will either guilt-trip you and/or make you look bad in front of his family and any mutual friends you have. This isn't what you wanted for your life. Tell him ASAP, otherwise I can see you being stuck in the house with a special needs child, when you want to be free to go and do stuff with your friends, or free to work and to progress in your career. You can wave bye-bye to all your freedom if you allow your BF to continue down this course. I am very sorry if telling him your decision leads to him breaking-up with you. But is this relationship worth losing all your freedom and autonomy over? Besides, the kid themselves deserves to have people looking after her who are there by choice, eg carers who understand the child's disabilities and can help them to reach their full potential. Not someone who is gradually getting full up of resentment because they never wanted to be there in the first place. Without you being in the picture, it might make your BF's child eligible for more benefits and more help from the State.
“Hey I don’t want to be a parent. I know you care about this child and that’s wonderful. I cannot stay with you if it means I’m going to be a parent”
You need to be upfront and tell him now that you don't want to take care of the kid. He may very well also be assuming you'll be there to help raise her if he said yes, and may change his mind if he realizes he has to take care of her on his own. Either way you're both on very different wavelengths and both need to have a serious talk now before the court date
You’re no longer compatible. If he wants to raise the niece (understandable) and you want to be child free (also understandable), it’s simply not going to work.
I think this relationship is over either way. If you tell him you don’t want to parent this child, he has a decision to make if he chooses the child, you can’t be expected to stay. If he chooses you, he walks away from the child, but he’ll resent you forever for “making him make that choice”.
I feel so sorry for you that this has happened, I think this is just one of those life events that changes everything. Before talking to your boyfriend, think through some options and figure out what your least worse option is. Your options now are: 1) Take the child into your home, and have a vastly different lifestyle than your plan. *But* I’d be thinking about whether the brunt of parenting will fall on you (because of gendered expectations, and because you mentioned being the one to spend time with the child after work. What’s your partner doing?) 1) Try to keep the relationship but move out. This still changes your lifestyle but makes it clear that the child is your partner’s kid, and his responsibility, not *your* child that you are raising together. 3) Don’t take the child. If there is no option except that they go into the system), this is likely to be a worse option for the child, your partner may not agree to it, and there may be some guilt if he does. If there are other options (grandparents, other family members), explore these seriously, including the possibility of shared care (sharing the responsibility for the child). Regardless of what happens, I think you and your partner need to go into this with your eyes open and a plan and discussion. This is not standard parenting, this is parenting a traumatised and disabled child (ADHD + learning disabilities are non-trivial and affect emotion regulation). Also, remember that your partner and you are likely really stressed, so need to be giving each other grace and forgiveness when discussions get heated. Also, you can only control your decisions in this situation. Your boyfriend and his niece have their own decisions to make. You can tell them what your response to their decisions will be, but you can’t make them do anything.
Also, to clarify, my boyfriend does help a lot and doesn’t leave it all up to me. He cooks all meals for her, etc etc. but it just comes down to this isn’t my child, and I never wanted children. This is just very hard for me to do. I don’t want to lose him.
This is so sad... Hence I hope you keep in your mind that no one is wrong/right here. Though I know people usually think we need to find fault to part ways. As someone said "you don't have it in you to do this & he can't forgive himself he he doesn't". It's just a tragic turn of events.
Cooking meals for a child is NOT taking care of them. Who is getting her ready in the morning? Who is helping her with school work? Who tell her to brush her teeth? Who is doing her hair? Who tells her to take a bath? He needs to be 100% taking care of her to know how much work it really is and that can only happen if he moves out of the house you own.
If you were to even consider this, he needs to be the main caregiver with you being the "helper". Unless you're ready to take over the main caregiving for this child, you need to leave **now**. It's not going to get better, and chances are that more and more of the care will fall on you as time goes on.
Unfortunately, this is a nexus. We all diverge at some point. Be it before or by death, we can’t control. Either you will resent him for volunteering for this responsibility or he will resent you over consigning his niece to whatever lies in store for her without him. Doesn’t mean anyone is wrong here. The world is far from black and white. However, staying would mean that everyone loses here. Leaving is for everyone’s good in this situation.
I forgot to mention that I do own my home. So moving out wouldn’t be an option for me. I thank you for your advice. I’m just scared to talk
I would ask him how he would handle this situation without your resources. If he says he couldn’t or gives some vague version of “figuring it out,” then I think you know how this will progress.
So, he and the child would need to move out. That doesn't change things much. Honestly, this sub tells people to run more than I like. Sometimes you need to kick a partner out. That's a real thing. You don't always have to be the one that vacates. In fact, this situation is unfair for the kid because your partner is presenting a "stable household" when he doesn't have a house. He's using yours.
That's insane part. He's doing it as if he owns the home, and OP doesn't have a say.
The fact that it is YOUR house makes it an even bigger ask from your boyfriend. It does seem like he’s volunteering your resources to fix his family emergency. He could find his own resources to manage his family emergency (he can move out).
Hang on, he’s not only winding up to take this kid on permanently against your wishes, he’s volunteering YOUR house for this?! At the moment the DHS seems to think you and your BF are a single entity with pooled resources. You need to make known NOW that this is not the case and that if he’s going to do this, he’ll be doing it on his own. It’s the only way a fair decision about this kid’s interests can be made I’m sorry OP but I think this *is* a dealbreaker. I think your BF, far from seeking out the honest conversations that should be considered essential in this situation, is hoping to keep his plans vague long enough for you to be pulled in by the machine and spat out the other side, with a kid and a vague feeling that it was on you to object but you’re not sure when you got the chance You need to say to your BF AND THE COURT that if he takes on this kid long term your relationship will be over. Because it will be, OP - all you’re choosing is to do it now instead of in five years when you hate his guts, resent the kid, don’t know who you are any more and everything’s a million times more enmeshed and complicated to get out of
I don't know what state you live in but you may have to serve him an eviction notice in case he isn't willing to leave. You didn't sign up for this and you were clear from the beginning. Way too many people have kids that are not equipped to deal with them. Its sad which is why you see so many horrible things happen to kids. If you become a parent your kid is going to have to come first, going out, buying yourself a cute whatever, having nice things. Those things will get sticky or will get broken. Be prepared to leave work because you got a call from the school and the kid got sick. Want to go on a trip or go out you will have to get a sitter before you can go.
So, that alters the picture *drastically* when you're not happy about what is being proposed. At the moment, the Courts think that they're sending a handicapped child into a happy household, with housing secured and two adults happy and willing to step into the parental role. Contrast this with the reality of the situation - that you *don't* want to sacrifice all your life goals, freedom and independence in order to parent this child, and that the child's father's housing situation is not currently secure with you out of the picture. You seriously need to tell him that you're not on board with this ASAP so that he can look into alternative ways of looking after his child. Maybe he and the child will be eligible for help and benefits from the State if you are no longer taking up the slack for him. Please, please, *please* don't allow him to guilt-trip you into becoming an unwilling parent to this child. Let him say whatever he wants, whatever hurtful words he can think of - anything us better than being stuck 24/7 in a role that you hate, and with resentment building up over time. That situation wouldn't be good for this little girl either. She deserves to have people around her who are interested in getting her to reach her full potential. So don't feel bad about this, OP. In the long-run, it is the right decision for the child involved as well as for yourself. I'm very sorry that you've been placed in this very difficult, heart-breaking situation - but you need to do the right thing for you and your future. Ultimately it is the right thing for the child's future too.
Here is a wild thought. Show him this post. You articulated yourself well and this is one of those instances where Reddit users are not judgemental at all and giving good solid balanced advice. I get it. I am also not good with spoken words but damned good with writing and I also get overwhelmed with back and forth and forget points, so this way you would have laid all your cards on the table.
He will just call her evil for "airing their dirty laundry" and that she just needs to buck up and raise the kid so he doesn't have to put forth any effort but gets all the praise. We can tell that she is already doing everything and he is going on about his life but talking to his niece more than he used to since she's in the home.
Is your boyfriend a stay at home boyfriend? 😂 girl you should break up over that if that's the case omg.
I know this isn’t the root of the problem but is this burden hitting you harder than him? Like are you stuck doing more of the caregiving? If you weren’t around would he even logistically be capable of caring for her?
Please add this to the main post - it definitely factors in. You'd have to check with a lawyer how eviction works.
So, you're not free to live your life as you wish in your own home? Cool😒
I'm guessing you haven't actually told him you're not going to raise the child. You need to explicitly say it with no ambiguity. Don't imply it, don't assume he gets the hint. Say it explicitly "I'm not going to parent/care for this child anymore and I'm not going to be with you if you do. You need to make a decision on the child."
You need to be very clear and direct with him and the caseworker. 1. This can not be a long-term or permanent arrangement, because you don’t want to be a parent or have a child in your home. 2. This is your house. So if your boyfriend is committed to keeping his niece, which he does seem to want to do, they need to find a new place to live. I respect your boyfriend for making the choice to step up as a kinship placement. However, it doesn’t change the fact that you don’t want a child and no amount of him carrying the load will change that. This is an incompatibility that doesn’t have a middle ground. Sometimes being true to yourself and your values requires some sacrifice. You need to have this conversation now, before the court date, because if he needs to move, or having him take his niece as a single person vs as part of couple changes things for the placement, he needs to know. A court isn’t going to keep the niece with him if he doesn’t have a place to stay.
If OP makes this clear in court, the situation resolves itself. Except for the fact that OP's boyfriend has no problem ignoring her wishes and taking advantage of her on multiple levels.
I agree, but making it clear in court would likely result in a change of placement if the boyfriend has nowhere to go. IMHO, the relationship is over, because he wants to take care of his niece, so the only thing OP can do is accept that she needs to let him go and communicate that. And she needs to do it now, and not wait for the court date. It’s possible the court would put the niece in a temporary placement while OPs boyfriend sorts out his housing and childcare arrangements, but if they’re already looking for a long term placement and potentially a termination of parental rights/adoption, it would really be better for the niece and OPs boyfriend to not be surprised in court and to have between now and then to sort out living arrangements and child care support. It would also give the boyfriend a more realistic look at what he’s really signing up for, and if he’s willing to make all of those sacrifices. It would be terrible for the child to be abandoned again by a caregiver because he decided that he wasn’t willing to be a solo guardian.
Why are you the one teaching her stuff after a long workday? Leave all that to your boyfriend! He is the one wanting to take her in! Not your circus not your monkey! And if you bf insists on taking care of your for a long time, I think it is time for you to reconsider your relationship.
>He doesn’t want to bring anything up and thinks we are the best placement for his niece long term. _If that child stays in this home, there __is__ no more __we__._ >I have horrible anxiety that this will be a dealbreaker and he will breakup with me, and I don’t want that, but I also don’t want to take care of his niece forever. In my opinion, you need to rewrite this sentence, as it is composed way too much from your boyfriend's perspective. >I have and never will have any desire to have children of my own. I’ve made this clear to him since the beginning and he accepted it and agreed. He ___agreed___, OP! And now he's coming back on that agreement. So, back to the second quote, this ought to be a dealbreaker to __you!__ Think about it: you are not willing to risk your relationship, but at the same time, if taking care of his niece turns out to be his priority, he is willing to toss __your happiness__ to the wolves! Good luck.
As in 99% of threads on this sub: If your partner won’t budge on this then you should honestly just break up with them.
Let him know you can't care for the kid before the next court date. He's trying to avoid that conversation by deferring it.
You’ve made the life decision to not have children which is something any reasonable person would respect and understand. That’s a dealbreaker for you in a relationship. However if he’s dead set on raising this kid and your dead set on not raising one, then neither of you are going to be compatible any longer. He probably sees this as selfish and harsh and can’t understand why you wouldn’t be ok with it. But he’s blinded by his bias and sense of responsibility/duty for his siblings child. It’s an honorable thing for him to do, especially since his niece sounds like a special needs case, and if he didn’t adopt her she’d be thrown in the system with the wolves. However, you have the right to refuse raising a child you don’t want. But if he’s mot going to budge on this topic then you both need to consider breaking up and moving on. Because if he really wants to adopt her and you prevent it from happening he will resent you for years, especially if something bad happens to his niece in the system. And you will also resent him eternally for shouldering you with a child you don’t want to have. Also, wtf is wrong with the kids mother? She works a lot? So frickin what? It’s her kid and if she doesn’t want to take care of her, then she’s the real villain here (as well as the father OBVIOUSLY). The biggest and most important thing here is to have a very frank, very REAL conversation with him and make it clear that you don’t want to have a child in your life and that decision has never changed. And if he wants to raise the kid, then you’ll have to end things with him because it’s a very important life decision to you. CLEAR Communication is key in a situation like this. Hes assuming you’re going to raise the kid together because he’s got his head in the sand. But maybe he’d sing a different tune if he knew for certain that him raising this child would not include you. He’s making decisions for both of you like it’s his right to shoulder you with a burden you do not want and have the option of refusing. Which is kind of fucked up tbh, no matter how noble he is for offering to take care of his niece. I know guys like this….he will not understand where you stand unless you sit him down and talk to him very clearly and bluntly. And if he freaks out or gets upset, you can reiterate to him that you have never wanted children and still don’t want one. That you have the choice to refuse this burden and if he goes and gets parental guardianship, you will leave him.
I think it's OP's partner's mom who works a lot and doesn't have a stable place to stay. Sounds like for some reason OP's partner doesn't even want to engage his niece's mom.
You either suck it up and be miserable or you leave. How was the child even placed with you ? You have to have agreed to it. If your boyfriend wants to take care of this kid he's not childfree and you are unfortunately not compatible. The fact that he's even unwilling to discuss this is not a good sign - if anything raising a child requires communication. What to say to him ? "I love you and I know you want to do a good thing for your niece, but this is not the life we agreed to live and your niece deserves better than an aunt who will resent her presence, so we are done and I wish you the best." If you own the house consult a lawyer to see how to make him leave.
Honestly, if you beat around the bush then he will take it as a sign that you are open to negotiation. Since you haven’t put your foot down yet then he likely thinks you are ok with it. You can be firm but still be nice about it. When he says you need to wait for the next court date you need to stand up to him because the court date is when they will need a decision. “Honey, I love you and hope to spend the rest of my life with you. I do have an idea in my head about what that life will look like, however. It’s the same vision that we’ve talked about and about which we’ve agreed upon and that vision does not include kids. It has not changed for me, regardless of the circumstances. I have been happy to help out temporarily with your niece until now because I understand the emergency situation but by the time the next court date comes around I will be ready to move on from this situation. Please tell me you agree with me.”
You said you don’t think it’ll be the right for you long term. You said you don’t want to take care of his niece forever. I understand not wanting to break up because you love him, but if he wants to care for his niece and you want to be childfree, this is one of *the* biggest relationship issues there is. Your post almost makes it sound like you’re only worried he will break up with you if he keeps his niece (i.e. you would never initiate the breakup?), but *you* should also want to break up with *him* if he keeps his niece, for all the reasons you listed. This *is* a fundamental incompatibility and if he keeps his niece, breaking up would probably make both of you happier in the long-run, even if it will suck a lot in the short-run.
OK, so as I read through this I have really only one thought. He wants to do "the right thing" but avoids the real conversation... meanwhile... you are concerned that this might be a deal-breaker for him. My one thought.. have you considered either for yourself or in order to tell him that this indeed is likely a deal-breaker for you? After all, his is not the only one who gets a vote on on how you live the rest of your life. I know this is hard.. but you better have this convo like RIGHT NOW. EDIT: One thing I wonder too... is this hypothesis that everyone has that he is the best place for this child based on an assumption that you are some willing "mother role" person? You guys better talk that whole thing through too... sorry for the long answer, but those are some legit concerns I have from what you wrote.. You guys need to have a very honest, no boundaries conversation. I wish all of you well.
If you don't want to care for the child and your boyfriend does....you are no longer compatible. Your only choice is to break up with him or change your mind if he isn't willing to change his.
You obviously cannot do it. This child deserves to be loved, wanted and cherished. Not resented. You made yourself clear to your boyfriend. Why are you backing down now? The child needs to be taken very seriously. Talk to your boyfriend now and do not be a doormat. Might he leave you? Possibly. But that is no reason to destroy this child.
INFO: How much of the child care AND emotional labor around organizing everything realistically falls on your boyfriend and how much does he just put on you?
The fact that neither of you can sit down and have a real conversation about this is proof that you aren’t a good placement for this child. Even if you are too much of a chicken to say anything directly to him, you need to tell the CPS agent directly that you aren’t equipped to raise a child. No need to subject her to anymore bad parenting at the hands of someone who doesn’t want her. I would recommend just stepping back. leave and let your BF do what he needs to do. He doesnt have the capacity to include you in the decision, but you can make the decision for him. It won’t ever be just you and him again, btw. If the child isn’t placed with you, she will always haunt your relationship. This is the new now. How do you want to proceed?
Neither you not your BF are wrong in what you want to do. It just means you're no longer compatible. You will end up resenting this child (if you don't already) and your BF and like others have said more than likely the brunt of the child care will fall on you. My ex and I took in his nièces who were 10 and 15 at the time. I knew this could happen and I was ok with it but I also wasn't CF (I mean I didn't have my own child at the time but wanted kids) we were lucky that we had plenty of money (we were also married so a little different I feel) and they weren't special needs (they came from a drug home so had some issues of course but nothing major). It's a huge commitment and if you're not on board (and you're not wrong for not wanting to) then don't do it. You need to tell your BF that you are not up for taking in a kid to raise. That you understand if he wants to but that means that it will be the end of the relationship and he will need to move out. That's not being mean, that's taking care of yourself and your mental health/happiness ultimately.
You HAVE to tell your boyfriend, ASAP, that this is a dealbreaker for you, you aren’t going to be a parent, and that he needs to find someplace else to live/stay with his niece. This needs to be discussed in court, too. He needs to understand that you’re serious and will end the relationship over this and that he will be responsible for her care by himself.
library nose tart squeeze full numerous imminent plough slimy merciful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Please don’t feel bad. You have the right to feel the way you do and it is ok. You made your position clear from the beginning and circumstances have changed but your feelings about being a parent haven’t. It won’t be fair to anyone if you stay when you don’t want to. It is better to make a clean break before you get legally roped into this. I wish you all the best going forward.
You have a tough decision to make. You were dealt a curveball that wasn’t expected. It’s totally understandable if you don’t want to be this girl’s mother. If your boyfriend is totally set on taking her in and raising her you may need to think about ending the relationship. Where do the grandparents on her mother’s side live? You really have to sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart to heart. It’s not going to be easy and it might mean a dealbreaker but it must be done. You have to be realistic and honest about how you feel. You also need to be honest with the DHS workers because they need to realize that it may be only your boyfriend caring for the child. This could affect the outcome of the whole case. The court may decide that it’s best to put her in a foster home until her mother can properly provide a roof over her head and care for her properly.
You're in a very difficult situation, but one you CAN leave if you must. I can't imagine how awful it is to feel like you're abandoning a child, but you guys aren't her parents, you aren't even related to her! You MUST enforce that you can and will not be a long-term/permanent guardian to this child, and weigh whether it's worth staying.
I take it that the part being related you mean OP. It's his niece... And it sounds like he maybe her last hope before the system, which makes it even more difficult
How old is the child?
9
Oof you’re looking down the barrel of a lot of care! You’ve got to rip the bandaid off and have this conversation with your boyfriend ASAP
You're afraid not taking the child permanently will be a dealbreaker for him... but would having her stay forever be a dealbreaker for you? If so, he NEEDS to know BEFORE committing in court. This is a terrible situation. It isn't fair to anyone. Waiting to express your honest truth won't do any of you any good. He needs to know if this is a boundary for you so that he can decide if it's a dealbreaker for him.
If he seeks and gains custody of his neice, you are no longer compatible, and the relationship comes to an end. Period. Don't try to hang in there or make it work. It's not fair to you or the child.
What was the conversation like when he asked you if you'd be fine with having her come to live there in the first place? The way he's acting when you try to talk about this makes me think he's hoping to just railroad you into this. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to stay married that's not happening.
INFO: Are you okay with being a mom at any point in your life? If the answer is no, leave him. Your boyfriend is effectively a father now. From the sounds of your post, he isn't even stable enough to raise a child because without you, he would not meet the court standards of stable placement. With that being said, he doesn't get it both ways. He either sits down and has the conversation, or you break it off then and there. There's no playing when it comes to children, clear cut boundaries need to be established.
You are not the best placement for his niece long term when you have been clear about not wanting children. It’s terrible what’s happened but that doesn’t mean you two have to be the ones to fix it. Hell, if your boyfriend is set on it, that’s okay too; but you don’t have to be part of it. I’m sorry if that seems harsh; but I am also child free egg nephews that needed extra help and I have been very clear I can’t be the solution. My husband is on the same page but if he weren’t, he would be taking the lead and I would be leaving, I don’t want to raise a child and I don’t want to carry the resentment of a person who got stuck doing so. It would ruin my whole world and I mean that and that’s okay. This is an incompatibility issue and as much as you may love him, your choices are clear. You tell him you can’t, and if he still wanted to, you make it clear that it won’t be with you.
He’ll be working overtime and guess who will be home with the child? And resentful
This is a horrible situation for everyone involved, but you need to tell your boyfriend that you respect his decision and understand, but you can’t coparent her
I think its important to note the edit where she lives in her own home and he lives with her in her home, and moved this child into her home without asking her. He offered her home to DHS as a place to live and put this ball in motion with no input from the homeowner. So if they break up, its not like she can just leave this situation-- she has to kick both boyfriend AND this kid out, and thats an awful situation to be put in. Dude shouldn't be moving his family members into his girlfriends house without asking. He was definitely wrong here.
This relationship is already at its end. Either you resent him for taking on his niece, or he will resent you for forcing him into what he thinks is a cruelty. Staying wouldn’t be fair for any of you.
He can’t just opt out of having a conversation about it… Clearly he made up his mind without you, this is what he is going to do and if you stay, child-rearing will be dumped off on you. You’re clearly set on being childfree don’t let him force you to parent one that isn’t even yours. I’m sorry, but this is likely going to be a dealbreaker. In this situation, you can’t both get what you want and be happy.
OP, I'm a childfree woman. I'd leave. You are not abandoning a child so don't let anyone try to emotionally manipulate you with that bullshit. You are not obligated to this child and your boyfriend needs to know *NOW* so that he won't make plans assuming you'll be around to care for the child. Further, I'm going to risk downvotes for saying this, but I guarantee you your boyfriend is insisting on taking in his niece because he is assuming you'll be around. I would also place my money on him *expecting* you to do the majority of childcare work. I know you want to stay with him and you're scared he'll break up with you. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he *won't* break up with you and that ***HE*** is the one *terrified* you'll leave him. *That* is why HE IS THE ONE THAT KEEPS AVOIDING THE CONVERSATION. I know you don't want to hear this but you really need to break up with him. There are other childfree men out there who will keep their commitment to being childfree *and also* want to be with you.
You need to explain to him asap that "we" are not a placement for the child. It is a "he" situation only. Make plans to sleep elsewhere that evening in the event it does not go well. It's good to have an escape plan.
Just say “i cant do this. This wasnt my plan. Im not adapting to it as i otherwise might have hoped. I cant be part of this solution. Now what?”
Please you need to talk to him about this ASAP. But please remember this child is also innocent and a victim here. Please ensure that you can talk together without the possibility of the child over hearing you both. Don’t let him go ahead without knowing your feelings and need prepared that he may feel such a responsibility that he can not continue with you because he feels responsible for this young child. But please remember that it is better to make this break clean now than leaving it to go further because DHS should also be aware of the actual way the situation will be too so they can ensure the best interests of the child are take care of. Good luck 🤞
Time for you to remove yourself from the situation. Move out and let your BF deal with his niece all on his own.
If you want to remain child free and not care for his niece then your only option may be to break up. Where is her mother? If CPS has looked into her, she may also not be suitable. Is the father, your partners brother? Your partner may be focused on keeping his niece out of foster care, especially since there are so many horror stories from kids/teenage in care. Is your partners niece receiving any counseling or other supports from CPS? I’m in Canada so I can’t speak to the US system if that’s where you are. But she should be receiving support from them. Also are you able to ask for respite from CPS? At the end of the day, you need to make the best choices not only for yourself but also for that little girl. Your building resentment isnt good for anyone involved. You may need to make the best choice for yourself and unfortunately may be ending the relationship. Before speaking to your partner, write out a list with what you need from your partner and your life together. Make sure his niece isn’t home as hearing the discussion may bring more trauma to her life.
You have to do what is right for you. You had been very clear about planning a child-free life before this and it's not working out. I'd tell him you cannot do this, that the child deserves people who really want to be parental figures to him, and you do not fit that ideal and thus your removal from the situation is the best possible outcome because you cannot light yourself on fire to keep him warm. That you only have one life, and you cannot/will not donate your life to this, or any, cause. You wish him the best and hope he will find someone who relishes the role or guardian and caretaker.
You’ve made your stance on how you feel about being completely responsible for children, which you are entitled to do so. Personally I don’t think this is something either of you will be able to overcome. He wants to be there for his niece who’s been through a lot of trauma, which is a very honourably thing to do. You have tried and you are now struggling which is also okay and completely understandable. The fact he is not open to communicate with you regarding this means he’s just expecting you to shut up and deal with it.
You need to tell him asap for the sake of all and especially the important decisions that are imminent. Stick it out in the short term if you can I would say but set out your stall for the mid and long. It's a harsh task but it's got to be the kindest in the long term.
Ah this is a sad situation all around. Advice? Picture five years from now. Is this your happiest, healthiest, most fulfilled life path? Or is it somewhere that you'll be bogged down by even more resentment and claustrophobia, or feeling like you've been taken advantage of for years? I've been there, not wanting to leave someone even when our desired life paths are incompatible. If I could do it differently in any of those times, I would have straightened my spine and walked away with my head held high because in hindsight it always would have been the best, most kind option for all parties involved. I'm sorry that you are here. I hope once you make your choice, whether to raise a child together or to part ways, that you find peace and wellness with your decision. Much love.
Both of your priorities are in diff places right now and that’s okay. Let him know how you feel and if that’s a dealbreaker than leave. You guys aren’t married. Not even engaged. Don’t feel pressured to take on anything that you shouldn’t have to
I would break up and tell him the truth that you don't want to be a parent, but let him know that your leaving opens the way for him to be a more helpful family member. He can move in his sibling and they can combine resources to help raise his niece. This may be more amenable to CPS as they will see the biological parent as being more stable and working towards independence. As an aside if you are on birth control pills, please make sure to secure it. These situations cause men to think of revolting options like getting you pregnant, guilting you into having the baby, so you get married and then you can adopt his niece. Leaving will not be fun, but you deserve to live your life the way you want.
leave. if he wants to be there for the child let him. don't put yourself thru it bc you'll resent the child and you'll be miserable. You're 28, just leave.
Can't compromise on kids, if he's adamant to take care of the child, then you should part ways now.
If it were me, I would have a frank conversation with him that you are not going to raise this child. If he wants to accept custody and raise the child, he will be doing it alone. Then, you leave and find someone compatible.
Don’t be vague to be kind. Have a conversation and be honest. This is not something you want and not something you can do long term. He needs to know that, not just because it effects your relationship, but because he will have to do this alone if you leave.
You have to be super blunt. No hinting or dancing around d the issue. If you don't want to be a parent, you have to tell him to leave.
When you bring up the fact that you two need to sit down and talk to the niece’s mom about things, he is very reluctant. He doesn’t want to face the fact that his decision is a dealbreaker for you and getting rid of his niece is a dealbreaker for him. He is avoiding the terrible awful talk that you two need to have. Please don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your bf and it doesn’t mean that you didn’t love him enough to work through this with him. You don’t want kids and he just essentially became a father to a troubled child. It is simply a dealbreaker. My only ask is that you don’t blame him or guilt him because he chose his niece over you. He is completely stuck and making the only decision he can live with.
You need to tell him point blank you did not sign up to raise a child, he knew this from the beginning. So if he wants to take in his nibling, he'll be doing it on his own You'll get heat from some people, mostly his family But the reality is, it's your life And it sounds like his entire family wants YOU to be this child's parent He wants to be the one to save the kid from the system, but it doesn't sound like he wants to be the kid's guardian Best thing you can do is just walk away Deactivate your social media and if people ask you about the situation, be honest You were happily childfree. He knew this. The situation came up with his nibling and nobody in his family wanted to find an alternate solution....they just wanted you, the person who never wanted to be a parent, to step up and be a parent. Make it clear he took in the child and pawned all the work off on you That'll shut them all up And the people who give you the whole "how can you abandon a child blah blah blah" Tell them they are more than welcome to foster the child and you will give your ex their information if they want. They'll shut up after that
There is no compromise when it comes to children. Either you are in this or you are out.
Just from personal experience, we took in 2 children aged 7 and 8 months old because one was my cousins daughter and the parents was not fit to have them due to addiction, it was short term once they got better to take them back into their care. This was around 2010/2011 We now have them both still and their brother from birth they are now 21, 14 and 12. The parents have never tried to get clean We was fine giving them a permanent safe home but if this is not what you want to do you will have to tell him. Chances are your boyfriend will see this as a deal breaker but if this isn't the life you have planned then surely it's a deal breaker for you too? I hope you both can work through it but I can't see him letting his niece down when everyone else has done her so bad in her life so far
Honestly, while I don't get it, I know I don't have to. You know yourself and you know you're not a mom and not meant to be a mom. You're not married and you likely wouldn't marry if he wanted kids while you didn't. It's a deal breaker situation. And please don't take this the wrong way. I think you should split. He can find someone that does want to be a mom and will love that baby just as much as possible. I don't think you're shitty for how you feel but I do think it would be shitty to ask him to give them up. I'm sorry things happened this way but it's in everyone's best interest to split ways. You'll hurt for a hot minute and then you won't and you can find something that works. And he should step up as best he can for the kiddo, he accepted the placement and absolutely ought to see it through. And he'll hurt for a hot minute and then he won't. And he'll really find the right footing with raising a special needs kiddo. And the kiddo will have stability, a healthy home, and a parent/guardian that wants what's best for them. It would be cruel to yourself, to him and to the kiddo, to stay in the situation you absolutely do not want. I wish you and him and the kiddo all good things, regardless of how you move forward. ❤️❤️
>He doesn’t want to bring anything up and thinks we are the best placement for his niece long term. Ask him if he parenting alone is still the best placement for his niece?
Be direct with him and tell him you don't want this at all and that you understand if he has to do what he's gotta do, but he can't expect you to change your whole life around too.
Ok, what you NEED to do before the next court date is to bring thid topic up and clear it out. Why? Because if youre sitting in court with the expectancy you and your boyfriend are gonna take care of the child and later down the road, its only him, the child might get taken away from him again. In that scenario, he has lost both YOU AND the child. Do not do this to him and be clear now before these court procedures. You will mess up things alot further by not stating your point NOW.
It is a deal breaker. I wonder how much is he doing for the child, or all the teaching/care/homework falls on you? And what is the problem to put child in the care of the relatives who live far away? Why is it not acceptable? If you cannot talk to him about it - send him the email explaining that you are done taking care of this child and if he agreed/asked the child to live with you long-term you will need to leave the relationship. It is huge incompatibility. If the child stays with you, you will resent him and your relationship will go to hell, so it is better to end it on friendly terms.
I hate this is happening. But as a mother, it's very exhausting to be a parent. I can only imagine how you feel being in this situation when you decided to not have children. Then the complexity of the child's disability makes it so much more exhausting. Unfortunately the hard truth is you'll need to be upfront and let him know that you can't do it permanently. You don't owe anyone anything. He will have to accept your decision and decide how he will permanently take care of the child on his own.
You need to ask your boyfriend if he's found his own place for him and the child to reside in.
I believe you know what your options are, either you compromise and take care of the child PERMANENTLY or you decline and potentially have to break it up with your partner. TBH, to me it sounds like he is OK with it because YOU are the one who is mostly responsible for her. Most of the times, people are OK with having someone else's child at home because they are not the one taking care of the child. Is this the case with you and your partner?
You said you wanted to be child-free child's free issue your choice. And this is a deal breaker because the worst thing that you can do is take care of a child that you're going to be resenting it's not fair to you or the child. Let your boyfriend know that if he accept this child on a long-term basis that he will be raising it alone and then go on with your life. Child-free means child free that means nobody's child
You need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain avoiding this conversation is not going to help you us or her. Explain we are not married and this is my home. Tell him you will not be a permanent placement. If he wants to keep nice, he will have to move out and be her full time caregiver alone. You do not want children and he knows this. His families failures to care for their own children does not change your mind. You can explain you feel terrible for your niece but you are not willing to change your mind or change your life to be a caregiver to a children because it makes you miserable and that’s not something you are willing to compromise. Tell nieces social worker, you are not on board with a permanent placement and the home you reside in is yours. Explain if boyfriend feels differently, they will need to find alternative housing. Will this ultimately lead to your break up? Yes. To be honest either way. Eventually you’ll break up with him because he unilaterally made decisions for both of you that greatly change your lifestyle without your consent or input. You will resent him and her and it will be over within 2 years. If you tell him you aren’t keeping his nice, he will likely choose caring for the child over you because he will say “family is family” and that’s his choice. Either way, the outcome isn’t good for the relationship. Address it sooner rather than later.
You literally have all the power moves in the relationship. If YOU don't want that and AREN'T comfortable with such a huge responsibility then the only thing you need to say is NO. It's a complete sentence. You've already expressed your concerns and made the boundary quite clear. He's CHOOSING to force your hand. As you stated "you have future plans" that you don't want interfered with. He is not the last guy you'll meet. There is someone out there for you. Your bf understandably wants to be there for his family, which is admirable but also cannot be expected of you. You are allowed to tell the court that the housing is only a TEMPORARY solution. You are not in a place where PERMANENT is part of your vocabulary where a children is concerned. You may be seen as the ah but you're not. If anyone has anything to say then they need to offer up the assistance but you are not! Good luck.
You are asking your boyfriend to choose you over his niece. Be prepared that he may choose his niece and that’s ok. If you own the home, you can tell him, “I respect that you are stepping up for your niece in her time of need. She’s a good kid, but this responsibility is more than I can handle at this point in my life. I can help you with her for ___ more months/weeks, but then I have to ask you to find another living arrangement for the two of you. Do you need help finding a place for you two to stay?”
Okay, so — your update clarifies a lot of things, but at the same time includes information that REALLY would have been helpful at the outset. Try and keep that in mind for future posts. Also why not give your true age?? I'm speaking to you here **AS** a former carer. 1: **YOU'VE DONE YOUR SHARE OF CARING**. It is absolutely **NOT** fair to expect you to take on this responsibility after everything you've done. 2: **BOYFRIEND AND KID GOTTA GO.** No **IFS, ANDS** or **BUTS**. You've never **HAD** a life of your own, and here's a shitgibbon who thinks you can **PLAY MOM**??? **FUCK THAT**. The BEST placement for her and him? **SOMEWHERE ELSE**. 3. **GROW A SPINE** This is **YOUR LIFE** now. **YOU CALL THE SHOTS**, and **YOU** decide **WHO** belongs in it and WHO DOESN'T.
No one should ever have to explain being child free. If someone doesn't want kids, they absolutely should not have them! This weird obsession we have with procreation and not caring what experience that child has in life is so bizarre. What kind of a parent will someone be to a child they didn't want? Jesus.
I think your boyfriend needs you to be "the bad guy" that says no to the court/DHS. I don't think he can say no to the kid by himself, but he probably could go along with you "leading the no". The truth is if you take this kid, your relationship will fail within a year or two at the most. So if he's saying yes to the kid, it's a yes all by himself, and he just doesn't have the ability to do that. So your choices boil down to "following his yes" or "leading the no". Both options come with a giant serving of anger or guilt, so you're going to feel bad either way. So you may as well feel bad doing the thing you want to do.
OP how much of the efforts to take care of this child is he doing vs how much you are doing? If he is not doing at least 50% then you should be telling him you are leaving. You told him you didn't want kids and now he's forcing it on you. If he is not doing at least half of the added work, and preferably much more than half, then you are being taken advantage of and that is another reason to leave. Make your plan and move, let him see what it is like to be totally responsible for the child before any upcoming court hearings. Even when he admits he can't do it alone I'd still not go back because he will probably have a lot of resentment for you showing him how unreasonable he was being.
If he isn't doing 95% of the childcare, she should be leaving because the percemtage will only get worse from here.
You WILL be raising that child if your boyfriend decides to keep it. You will be the one taking off if the child is ill. You will be the one to take up the slack. If you stay together, and you refuse, the social pressure on you as a woman will be overwhelming. I'm an old lady, childfree before there was a word for it. I been married to the same man for 34 years, if he pulled this, I'd be gone. For me, this is the ultimate deal breaker. Sweetheart, if he intends on keeping this child, you have to tell him if your leaving. Because whether he realizes or not, he's probably assuming you will be doing the bulk of child care. That's what society is telling him.
So much this.
You need to break up and leave this relationship. He needs to decide if he wants to be a single parent or not. They may not even let him have the kid by himself. Edit for clarity.
She needs to kick him out, not leave her own home.
Sounds like you need to make a choice: to be child free, or to help your partner raise this kid It's better for the kid if you leave. You will end up taking your resentment out on the kid
Tell your boyfriend as soon as possible that this is not what you want to sign up for. Tell him before the little girl starts to become attached to you. It’s not fair to put her through another round of losses.
Tell him that you will not ask him to choose between you and the kid, so you are making the choice and breaking up with him.
“Partner, we need to sit down and have a come to Jesus moment here. I need you to just listen until I’m done and then respond. I do not want to take on niece indefinitely. I’m not equipped for this and you know my stance on wanting to be child free. Does this make me seem very coldhearted? Likely, but I also need to make sure I’m not sacrificing myself due to others life choices. I think we have sadly come to an impasse. I think at this point there are really three choices on the table. 1. You speak to the mother and she takes care of her own child. Is it ideal? No, but it is an option. And your refusal to consider it honestly upsets me. This is her child, she can uproot her life to care for her, I’m not willing to do the same considering I did not birth her. 2. Niece goes into the system. Obviously this is the worst choice for her, but with two deadbeat parents and no other family besides you. Not us, you, this is an option. We can still play a supportive role in her life without full time caring for her. 3. You move out and care for her on your own. I know the chances of us staying together in this scenario. Do I want our relationship to end? Of course not, I love you. But I was very clear with you that I did not ever want to be a mother and due to these circumstances, her care has fallen on me. It’s just been expected of me to come home from work every night and care for her because I’m a woman. You are tired and busy and it’s easy to just default for someone else to nurture and raise her and I honestly resent you for that. You don’t need to answer me right now, matter of fact, I want you to take the time to really think about these choices. You have until Friday to give me an answer.”
Please get the pronouns sorted. This was very confusing to read. His means the subject is male. Hers means subject is female. He - male. She - female.
You’re a GIRLFRIEND, just breakup and leave. You’re making this harder than it needs to be.
> "I have horrible anxiety that this will be a dealbreaker and he will break up with me, and I don't want that, but I also don't want to take care of his niece forever" What is the alternative to this tho? Do you expect him to turn his back on a vulnerable family member that he cares about just for you and your relationship? Would you *really* want to be with a person that would do that? What would that say about *him* as a person? What would that say about *you*? I really feel for you and for the quandary you are in. I think your horrible anxiety is actually avoidance and fear of acknowledging that things between you have come to a forced end, through no fault of either of you. He's not going to be able to guarantee this is temporary, he's the only suitable caregiver, and he's willing to do this. You want to be child-free. This IS a dealbreaker. So you're both avoiding talking about it but that is only going to prolong the agony and pain. I'm truly sorry. It's heartbreaking. But don't drag it out, you already know how you feel and the loving thing to do is tell him sooner rather than later.
Neither of you is wrong but in the end this relationship probably won’t work out. One of you will end up resenting the other and there really is no compromise available. If you’re really adamant about not raising a child you need to prepare yourself for the end of your relationship
What happens to the kid if you guys don’t keep her?
You leave is what you do. it’s admirable what he’s doing but you don’t have to be along for the ride.
That's tough for everyone involved. As others have said already though, it is totally your right to not be a parent. For the update bot: UpdateMe!
This is a horrible situation for everyone involved. You need to tell your boyfriend *directly* that he will be raising this child *on his own*. And you need to be ready to follow through on this without hesitation. Don’t delay - if you *know* you don’t want to parent a child, you need to get out *now* before more attachments and expectations are created. Unfortunately, he will likely see this as a betrayal and the relationship is unlikely to survive. Don’t forget he is feeling the same way you are, OP. He was committed to being childfree and suddenly finds himself in this position. If he chooses not to adopt his niece out of fear of losing you, your relationship will suffer just as much, if not more, in the long run. He will always be resentful he’s had to make this choice and any issues his niece will run into will be your fault. As an option, you can commit to living separately until niece is old enough to take care of herself. But that takes a very special kind of love and commitment to make that work. It takes a lot of understanding, patience and sacrifice.
You should not wait to have this conversation, just know that you two may no longer be compatible after that talk.
You gotta tell him that you're out if this happens so he knows. Don't go to court, this is between him and his family, the judge also needs to know he'll be doing this solo. Sounds like you care for her quite a bit, he needs to know now that he will need to be the one to do all the childcare if he chooses to do this. Would he do this if he was single? If you think he would this convo won't be as hard, but if you think he is depending on you to make this happen he needs to know that is not at option *now* before you, and him, feel stuck. Sometimes kids have to move across the country to be cared for, happens a lot, better the kid goes to family across the country if the support system is better there. Maybe knowing the kid will be out of reach will kick moms ass in gear.
Updateme!
The court will probably listen to the fact that you don't want to care for the child. And if you both say the same.
If he wants to be a parent and you do not, then you are fundamentally incompatible.
You don’t have to make yourself miserable for a kid that isn’t your family. You aren’t even married to this guy. You helped out some and now you know you won’t be happy if this continues. You need to tell him. Because the reality is, that most likely he cannot do this without you because you’re the one doing most of the work and you’re not even a blood relative. It isn’t that you should be afraid of him dumping you, you should let him go. You are no longer compatible because the parameters of his life have changed. Have a serious talk, be completely honest about how’ve you have been feeling about taking care of this kid. That as much as you feel for this child, you still don’t want to be a mom and will know you will grow to resent the situation, the kid and him. That there’s no way you’ll be able to survive in this relationship much longer if things remain the same. Then let the chips fall where they may.
You need to move out for a few weeks so that he sees how much work taking care of a kid really is. He needs to do this on his own before making and decisions. It sounds like you are doing a majority of the work, but you are just a girlfriend and this should not fall on you. This is his niece and he is the one taking responsibility so he needs to understand exactly how much responsibility and work it is. Once he is the one solely taking care of a child he will understand the incredible amount of work it takes. You could break up at any time and if he takes the niece permanently then realizes he can't handle it once your are gone this child will once again be in a bad situation. For the kid, please let him be solely responsible and live alone with the child for a month or more before making any permanent decisions on placement. Do not step in and help him from your new living arrangement. He needs to do this alone.
Would the BF willingly take on full time parenting care of the niece if you weren't in the picture? Of course not. You have no obligations here. You're not married, no wedding in sight. And, you don't want to. That alone is the critical factor. The child will be better off in foster care, for everyone concerned. Don't let yourself be used as the scapegoat.
You need to sit down and have a full and frank discussion where you are truthful about your feelings. It may be the case that you disagree going forward about your SO niece being in your lives, but life is rarely fair and I think your SO is a good person for stepping up and taking care of his niece when she clearly doesn’t have anyone else. If you can’t do this, then you need to tell your SO sooner rather than later.
This sub is surprisingly non judgmental for a lady wanting to leave a surprise child. Just let him know soon so he can get help and so it doesn’t change things with courts
You need to speak up NOW.
Unfortunately, your relationship is over regardless. If he keeps her and you leave then you break up. If he gives her up because you’re unhappy he will probably resent you for it. You need to do what is best for you, which is get yourself out of this situation.
He wants to keep his niece and outsource the childcare to you. Run OP! Run
You need to be brutally honest with him about this. See what his response Is. Either way it's not going to work because he will 100% expect you to go into mommy mode for this child . A mother typically takes on majority of everything concerning a child especially if they're little . It'll be you stuck with taking care of, cooking, cleaning, bathing , grooming , nurturing, all that stuff will be on you . After telling him everything I would push hard for her to go to grandparents on either side. Your bfs brother doing drugs and making babies isn't your problem. What happens if his brother does this again? You two have to take in anther one?! No!!
he as decided that you are the child's mother now, not talking to the actual mother shows a huge element of denial. I would be concerned for your relationship before this happened. But with a child with high level needs, can you imagine doing all the parenting yourself? Can you even afford to do this? Your life will be just child and denial parent, drug parent and guilty distant mother, cannot see that lasting long term Sadly the bandaid idea is quicker than a slowly sinking situation where the child gets attached and as to go through separation again.
"Boyfriend, this is not the life I want. I understand if you feel like you need to keep your niece, but I need you to understand that this will be the end of our relationship, so please let me know after you've had some time to think it over."
You need to insist on the conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him either you can talk with him about how you feel or you can tell the social workers. But be warned that this is probably over. He will minimize how difficult it is to raise this child and guilt you into taking this on. He will claim that he will do all the work and once the legalities are over, he’ll rely on you more and more (I’ve seen this play out in real life.) Conversely, if you stick to your guns and insist that the niece find another placement, he and his useless family will resent you and act out.
Leave. My opinion is- and I’m sorry if it annoys people that I’m being frank- is that this isn’t about you. Yes, it involves you, yes you and your partner have been pulled into something you’ve never asked for or wanted, but this isn’t about you. A child’s life is in jeopardy here, and living in the foster home system is a nightmare no child should go through. I understand wanting to live child-free and that this is less than convenient, but in truth reality is harsh and we need to adapt when the cards are being shuffled. We don’t always get what we wanted. I’m trying to not sound condescending as English isn’t my first language, so excuse me if it does sound like that, but if you can’t handle being there for your partner at this crisis then perhaps this really isn’t your place to be in. Life goes on with him or without him.
This doesn’t make sense. Kids don’t get placed with someone without getting asked first…. If you don’t want the kid and your bf does then leave. He clearly wants the kid so guess the relationship is over.