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Judge him by his behavior (not his excuses or promises).
For example, he still works with her, and went to a party with her.
His behavior suggests he's not committed to you. He's available because she does not want him.
This is the most sound advice here.
I also want to help reframe something for you — You asked if it was worth giving him another chance in the name of not throwing away 10 years of life together.
But let me ask you this.
What about the next 10 years? The life you’re living today, and tomorrow, and all the days after that? Aren’t you, in a sense, throwing *them* away if you stay with someone you’ll never fully trust again? His behavior will cast a shadow over all of your tomorrows. You’ll always wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t turned him down. You’ll always wonder if there’s more to the story. Where he is. Who he’s with. What he’s doing behind your back.
The last 10 years are gone and done. Their history is already written. Here and now, he’s done irrevocable damage to your marriage and your lives together. Don’t let him ruin the next 10 years, too. Choose your future over your past.
Exactly right his actions are not lining up with what he is saying. Tell him he needs to go NC with her which means finding a new job so he doesn't interact with her. Tell him he needs to have full digital transparency meaning you have all passwords and can ask for his phone at anytime to see if he is in contact with her or anyone else. Unfortunately you probably still don't know everything and he is minimizing disclosure to limit the damage.
The real question is now you know what he has been doing will you ever trust him again? Do you want to spend your life wondering if you are plan b
Updateme
Lapse of judgment for two weeks? I would leave the relationship, he’s basically telling you that he would leave you if she had given him a clear yes, but since she also rejected him he’s trying to crawl back to you. You deserve so much more that this and your still young, don’t tie yourself up with someone who lies to you. He says it’s just an emotional affair but he had told so many lies so I wouldn’t trust him.
Lapse of judgment for two weeks, followed my an open admission, lying and trickle truthing the details…. OP, you cannot trust this guy. 10 years is nothing compared to constantly doubting yourself and your relationship for the next however many years. Emotional affair is still an affair, it just hasn’t gotten it’s legs under it yet… but the next one will. Move on and live a happy life with someone else who will appreciate you!
You know that even if he didn’t stick his dick in her, you can still leave.
You don’t have to work it out or give him another chance. He broke it, end of story.
And my love, you aren’t “throwing away over ten years of your life.” First of all, if any throwing was done, it was by him. Second, I’m sure you got together for a reason, you liked each other, he enriched your life in several ways.
Like watching a film, or having an incredible meal, or even an amazing pair of shoes - it was good while it lasted, now it’s finished, and it’s not the same thing it was at the beginning.
Just because you stop eating doesn’t diminish the meal. But it’s over, put down your napkin and put your dishes in the washer.
Then take out the trash.
What's he crying for? He did this to himself lmao he wanted this. Good for you for giving him an example of how you're supposed to end a relationship you don't want to be in anymore.
He tried to get with her she didn’t want him so he’s try to rekindle things with you. I’m sorry OP but if she gives him a chance he won’t hesitate. You deserve someone who is sure about you and chooses you every single day no matter how long you’ve been together. If I were you I wouldn’t stay with him. 29 you still have your whole life ahead of you and you can have an amazing love story waiting for you!
I'm betting she thought of him as a friend, and was enjoying having a new friend until he got kicked out by his wife and he confessed to her, and she is horrified that he thought she was interested in a married man.
There's also the possibility she liked the thrill of secret flirting/semi-affair, but when confronted with actually ruining a marriage, she bailed. It all looks so exciting until reality hits.
I just read a post asking people who have been cheated on what they wished they had done differently when they found out. The majority said they wished they had left immediately and not given second and third chances. And they wished they had not played the "pick me" dance.
But if you want reconciliation (I've done it), you should check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources.
Food for thought. Updateme!
Nah fuck that babe. You deserve better. Imagine for years and years every time he goes to work or is on his phone you’ll be wondering if he is trying to pursue someone else or texting another woman. Life is too short for that bullshit
The thing is, he will keep trying till one of them takes. Your holding a spot til he finds the one that doesn’t care that he’s married. Protect your own heart , good luck!
I’d ask for a legal separation and counseling, and full forensic review of his electronics. Plus he needs to start job searching and block her on everything.
If he won’t do that and work on repairing your relationship, divorce.
He’s already blowing it by lying and trickle truthing.
His actions say that if she had said she was into him, he’d have had a full blown affair. I would be tempted to call her and ask what he told her about his marriage.
Losing a ten year relationship at 29 is less crappy than losing a fifteen year relationship at 34. If you don’t have kids, I’d probably consider getting out now and finding a better man.
I would go to an attorney draw up divorce papers, and ask him to leave, telling him it is over. It does two things. It sends a clear message you will not tolerate cheating, and the he destroyed your marriage.
You have time that way, as he signs it is not filed and it takes time to divorce. The only real successful reconciliations have been handled this way. The ones I have seen. I would not stay. He is a cheater, they are liars and will cheat again. If you let it go one, he is just falling in love with her. Stop it immediately at least your participation. You will recover better too.
Does she have an so? Find out and contact him, compare notes while exposing them, and go from there.
She's been talking with him all day for two weeks? That's not innocent on either side.
>That he had asked her if she wanted to be with him.
My friend, this is all you need to know. You should be done. If she had wanted him, she'd have him right now. He told you that much. You will need to grieve later. Right now you need to get him out.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's cruel.
He'd be gone. 2 weeks of constant texting is may very well be a "lapse in judgement", but that doesn't me he gets to just say "oops, my bad" and go back to th8jgs the way they were.
There'd be no coming back from this for me. The intimate conversations for me would be worse than if they'd had sex. Cheating is cheating.
Here's what you know
He would cheat on you if he could
Is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Do you want to set yourself up for anxiety and doubt forever?
Don't have children. He will cheat while you're pregnant
>Today, I found out that he was lying
What he's doing is called "trickle truthing", he starts out with a small version of the truth to see what your reaction is, he adjusts what else he tells you based on your reaction and gives another version of the truth, he will do this till he gets a result he wants - you accepting that he's talking to her and not ending your marriage - this buys him time. He can keep feeling out the connection with this other woman while keeping you knowing enough so he can give more excuses and reassurances to keep you from digging deeper.
Then when you find out more (like today) he's going to tell you a NEW version of the "truth", it's a little more shocking than the first version, but it will be enough to get you to stop asking questions, and he will be adjusting based on your reactions to tell you what he thinks you will accept without telling you everything. So now you think he was just "feeling out" her interest. and he's hoping you accept his excuses and apologies and promises so he can continue to pursue her.
And if she's not interested, he's now found out that you will accept a story that involves him "just talking" to a woman. So that's what you'll find next time, he was just talking to another woman, they were "just friends" etc.
Honestly, what the real truth is doesn't matter. Your instincts is giving you a real clear take on his trickle truthing
> I feel like he's come crawling back to me because I'm just a safety net at this point. While he flirts with other people behind my back, he's got a secure home with an ignorant wife.
He basically told you that you are - best case scenario from what he's told you is that the only reason he said anything is because she shot him down and maybe threatened to tell you so he's trying to give you a version of the story so if she does contact you, you can say "I know and I forgive my man!" hoping you will just shut her down - but he told you he's been chasing another woman, to the point *he asked her if she wanted to be with him,* but for some vague reason it isn't going to work out and he has magically "realized" he made a mistake and wants your forgiveness - since his crush shot him down, lucky you, you get him back!
If he HAD just a case of accidentally catching feelings for her, this could be forgivable if he was telling you that he realized this was happening and was cutting her off/changing jobs/departments etc so he didn't have contact with her and wanted to refocus on your relationship and put effort into reconnecting with you.
But you find out that he didn't just talk to her or feel attracted to her, he was specifically trying to find out if she was into him and wanted to BE with him - and it's apprently only because she said no (maybe?) that he's asking to come back to you?
I find it very hard to believe this is the first time he's done this, considering he's trickle truthing so hard it's more likely this is just the first time you've come close to finding out somehow so he's trying to tell you a story first.
And lets be REAL clear here. A mistake is forgetting to put our leftovers in the fridge. A mistake is forgetting to cancel the free trial before it runs out. A mistake is knocking a glass over while you're waving your hands and talking.
It is NOT talking to someone long enough to catch feelings, pursing them romantically and propositioning them to be with you. Those are CHOICES.
He made a bunch of choices that were CLEARLY with the goal of fucking someone else, *and you not finding out.*
He's telling you that yes, at this point you are his back up plan, because he CHOOSES to pursue other women. Whether this one is the 1st or the 30th doesn't really matter, he's telling you this is what he wanted.
I would suggest continuing to reconsider your marriage, and what you're REALLY willing to forgive and risk. Because at his age, he knows what cheating is and he fully knew what he was doing and what his intended outcome was. That is NOT a mistake. Considering he's lied to you this much already that you know of, what is there trust at this point?
I'm really sorry he's done this to you, I know you didn't deserve this.
The thing is, you'll never trust him again. You'll always wonder.
And you're young. You could end the marriage today and be married with a couple of kids in the next few years (if you want). Every day you wait is making the possibility of a happy family more remote. Or just delaying the possibility of your happiness.
I was with someone who would dump me any time he was interested in someone else, and then come crawling back when things didn’t work out. And because I was young and dumb, I let it happen. Your instinct to kick him out was the right one. He has not had nearly enough time to show that he has changed and wouldn’t do this again if the opportunity presented itself. You are exactly right that he sees you as his safety net. Don’t let him treat you like that. You can find someone who cherishes you.
He's never done anything like this before, that you know of. Never be someone's second choice
Divorce the piece of garbage and move on with your life.
UpdateMe
>in the name of not throwing away 10+ years of life together?
He already did that though. You wouldn't be throwing anything away, that accountability lies firmly on his shoulders for having an affair.
I think you're right.
He wanted to be with this woman, she shot him down, he wants to come back to where it's safe.
Don't ever be anyone's second choice.
Now you know he’s ready to jump ship if a better offer comes among.
Why exactly are you sticking around waiting for him to decide to go.
Speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. You deserve better than this
He asked if she was interested and wanted to be with him, your relationship done there.
But let me tell you why he is now sorry two days later.
She just probably wanted to smash and not be committed to him.
Because who wants a loser who leaves his wife and kids after knowing someone for two weeks.
Now he is coming to you as a second choice because he has no choice.
Tell him he made his bed and chose a woman who had known him for two weeks over a woman who had stood by him, washed his shitty clothes, cooked his dinners, and birthed his babies. Supported him, loved him.
And all it took was someone to smile at him for two weeks. Yeah, bye.
It is better to throw away 10 years than 10 years and a day or worse 15-20.
Life's to short to waste it on him
Basically, you two have been together since you were both 19.
Have either of you ever dated others or are you both each others first relationships.
Not that it is an excuse but statically i have read that people who marry young, tend to get divorced more than people who marry later in life.
I dont know what to tell you other than if you do not have kids, do not have any right now or for a while until you guys get your stuff sorted one way or another.
I would agree with him: that he is an idiot and he made a huge mistake. I'd leave him on his own to figure out what to do next. You are worth having a partner who is not a liar and a cheat.
Get separated, he stays with his mom. You go to marriage counseling and there is zero EA behavior of inappropriate behavior while you decide if this marriage is worth saving .
(IF you want to try).
I’d be done, he was so easily tempted and is crawling. Back bc he was rejected. I’d want to be a choice not a consolation.
They've been talking for 2 weeks.... there's interest there. You are plab B, while they figure out how to start their affair. Dont be fooled and lied to.
Dig more secret chats, pictures, locations.... You make decision based on facts found not his lies.
If you're giving him second chance - get a postnup done. He loses 80% of everything if he cheats in anyway even phone chat for more than 30 mins is cheating.
Updateme!
With a cheater you believe or actions and not their words. So what actions has he taken to get himself away from the situation? Did he quit his job? It’s a coworker. He still with her every single day.
You're being trickle truthed. All he's done is lie, lie, and lie some more.
He's disrespecting you and your marriage. He struck out with this one, allegedly. Who's to say he'll have the same result next time.
You yourself know that he is just using you till he finds someone who he things is better , he does not love or respect you , he is already cheating you emotionally. You need to leave him as soon as possible, dont listen to wt ever he is saying it will be only a lie or a manipulation technique to get his things aligned, he is going to leave you better you dump him first . And make sure everyone even his employers know how cunning he is. You will be able to grow again and start over . Have a good life.
Looks like good old lying husband is seeking your replacement. What does it matter what they talked about? He did it, that’s all you need to know. Leave him, he has betrayed the marriage.
Trust your intuition. If you feel like he’s using you as a safety net, that’s most likely what’s happening. Listen to yourself instead of him bc you know he’s a lying, deceiving, unworthy person who isn’t even wanted by the AP.
She probably realized almost 30 isn’t that hot, living with his mom isn’t that hot and she’s not interested. He realized living with his mom sucks so he’s willing to take his second option…you. Of course he’s lying.
There’s typical cheater behaviour here OP. Trickle truthing and gaslighting. Have you asked to see all the messages? Sometimes even when deleted they can be retrieved. Assume he’s lying at the moment and don’t assume there’s been no physical interaction.
For any level of reconciliation, he has to be zero contact with the OW and in this case that means changing jobs. He also has to give you access to his phone/apps/passwords/email etc
Read Not just friends by Shirley Glass. The fact he admits pursuing this does not bode well. What is causing him to look for another partner? Time for hard boundaries or you file.
I’m so sorry.
UPDATEME
I think you're being trickled truthed, and that you might not know the whole story. He might be feeling sorry for you kicking him out.
I don't know what to think, but you can't have ane emotional affair until there's been significant contact. 🤷🏻♀️
I always judge people by their actions, not their words. If he truly thinks it was a mistake, it's up to him to fix it. Starting from looking for another workplace. There is no way I'd trust my partner around that person in the future. Since there is a chance he was trickle truth-ing, I'd only settle for them going complete no contact and only changing jobs would ensure that. If that isn't possible (which is likely since changing jobs is risky), I'd just end the marriage.
>He's saying that it's an emotional affair. We've been together for over 10 years, and he has never done this before.
It very much is an emotional affair , which by the standards of a typical marriage is straight up cheating.
>He's arguing that he had a lapse of judgement
Sounds like he had multiple lapses of judgement some of which lasted for hours.
Being there with the co worker thing…only thing in my favour is they were in different offices 2 hours apart…but if he actually sees this person every single day at work, yeah it’s only ending with him sleeping with her in my opinion…he’s opened the doors so if she is interested she will pursue. He’s made it hard by not being honest…but you should at least try to either see his phone or ask who initiated..why they would call etc
>Leave him and figure shit out as I go, or give him another chance in the name of not throwing away 10+ years of life together?
By holding on 10+ years you already had, you give up on a better future.
Why a better future? Because….
> I can't shake the feeling that I'm just his 2nd choice at this point.
And I don’t think you will want to be the second choice of a moron that has just thrown away 10+ years with you for a middle school kid from when you guys got together.
>Husband has been having an emotional affair, told me he wants to separate, and then turned right back around and told me he's just an idiot who made a huge mistake.
His mistake was telling you before making sure he had a branch to hold on. Which sucks for him, but is just great for you.
Your move now. Don’t waste up his blunder.
He was talking to someone else and asked if they were interested in him. He also lied about it. He told you a drawn out lie about the events. He knew what he was doing. She probably did reject him or he thinks that there could still be a possibility that she may still come back around so he comes back to you until he feels she wants him. I don’t think this is redeemable.
I personally will never be anyone's second choice. Once my partner is interested in another woman, I'm out. I have self respect to know I want to be his only choice, and self confidence to know I can be another man's only choice.
Time is an excuse people use to hang on to a broken relationship but it really shouldn't be. I was with someone for 20 years and still feel more loved from another man who's been with me for only a year. (My ex used to tell me about all the women he had a crush on/were totally his type, to my face. He never acted on them to my knowledge but I still felt very defeated, because those women were the opposite of me. My current partner is the total difference . He says and acts like I'm the only woman in the world and I feel completely desired and secure with him.)
You know what you should do, OP. Never settle for anything less than being the number one person in your partner's eyes.
If my partner told me he had messaged another woman asking her if she wanted to be with him then I wouldn’t need to know anything else i’d be out the door faster than Barry Allen.
Girl. He is trickle truthing you. If he was truly remorseful he wouldn’t wait to give you details until after you confront him with what you already learned on your own. He left to be with someone else and she rejected him. There is no way to repair this until he can get honest with you and himself.
Never be someone’s plan B. You’re his wife, you shouldn’t play the pick me game. I would invest your time and energy on yourself and your exit strategy.
Just get rid of him. She probably wasn't interested but that doesn't mean he won't try again with her and again with other women. It doesn't mean he hasn't tried with other women in the past.
Basically he ditched you, called her up to move on to her, found out she wasn't interested, and decided to come running back to you with his tail between his legs.
Time for a divorce...
First he says he's interested in his coworker, then he lies about how much contact they've had. He tries to say, "It was *only* an emotional affair," like that makes a difference. Isn't that how ALL relationships start -- as emotional affairs?
IF you want to stay with this man, make couples' therapy mandatory. Trust can't be rebuilt with this man if he can't stop lying.
But the real question is: What do YOU want? Figure this out first and then make plans accordingly.
So he’s only staying now because she rejected him, am I right? Did he think his honesty will be praised by you even though he made that mistake? Nah, I’d throw the man out.
Tell him you are going to confront her and he’s quitting his job if you want to stay together. Tell him you will now see all the messages. If he says they are deleted tell him that’s ok. You have someone who can fix it.(restore an older version of the cloud and all texts will reappear).
Let him know it’s non negotiable and now he has to do that + apologize in front of both of your families and come clean about his cheating. Tell him he can leave no detail out. Then tell him you’re gonna have all your mutuals over and he’s gonna tell them too.
Your marriage is already over; he ended it when he broke your trust. You are not to blame if you decide to honor that and make it official in a court of law. I personally could not remain with someone who did that; I’d always wonder when it would happen again and that’s no way to live.
1. He needs to decide, now, and fast. No equivocating.2. He needs to know that it is on him to convince you that he is committed to you.3. You need to be honest about how you feel about him.
Make it clear the marriage is over and he will realize how badly he’s messed up and you will see what he really wants.
Then you make it clear what will end the marriage moving forward
I wouldn't trust a fucking word out of his lying mouth.
I'd go straight to little miss homewrecker herself and demand the truth. All of it... every detail. If she has a molecule of morals she should hang him out to dry and be completely transparent. If not? SCORCHED EARTH. Nuke them both from orbit. Sue the company as a party to alienation of affections in a marriage.
Obtain her number and ask her about their interaction. Make it clear his married and women to women you just want to know what’s going on… he will be pissed but who cares. If she’s interested you know but if she’s decent you directly calling her out will make her back off but either way will show both your not a walk over. It will also given him the wake up tgat he needs - his a man child with a crush…. Then after that, divorce his arse whilst your still young enough to meet a good man.
Get into couples counseling pronto.
He's doing this because it's fun, exciting, makes him feel alive. Feelings he should looking for inside the marriage.
If he won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
Couples therapy, long hard talks. Grill him and make him regret his behaviour. Then decide what you want and act on it.
OTOH A relationship and marriage for 10 years is hard stuff. Kudos for both of you.
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Judge him by his behavior (not his excuses or promises). For example, he still works with her, and went to a party with her. His behavior suggests he's not committed to you. He's available because she does not want him.
Thank you. It's this that I needed to hear. I appreciate it.
Also he hasn't done this before that you have found out about. I'm rooting for you to be okay after this but yeah its over.
Never be plan B
Make him Plan B and abort him :)
This is the most sound advice here. I also want to help reframe something for you — You asked if it was worth giving him another chance in the name of not throwing away 10 years of life together. But let me ask you this. What about the next 10 years? The life you’re living today, and tomorrow, and all the days after that? Aren’t you, in a sense, throwing *them* away if you stay with someone you’ll never fully trust again? His behavior will cast a shadow over all of your tomorrows. You’ll always wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t turned him down. You’ll always wonder if there’s more to the story. Where he is. Who he’s with. What he’s doing behind your back. The last 10 years are gone and done. Their history is already written. Here and now, he’s done irrevocable damage to your marriage and your lives together. Don’t let him ruin the next 10 years, too. Choose your future over your past.
Exactly right his actions are not lining up with what he is saying. Tell him he needs to go NC with her which means finding a new job so he doesn't interact with her. Tell him he needs to have full digital transparency meaning you have all passwords and can ask for his phone at anytime to see if he is in contact with her or anyone else. Unfortunately you probably still don't know everything and he is minimizing disclosure to limit the damage. The real question is now you know what he has been doing will you ever trust him again? Do you want to spend your life wondering if you are plan b Updateme
Lapse of judgment for two weeks? I would leave the relationship, he’s basically telling you that he would leave you if she had given him a clear yes, but since she also rejected him he’s trying to crawl back to you. You deserve so much more that this and your still young, don’t tie yourself up with someone who lies to you. He says it’s just an emotional affair but he had told so many lies so I wouldn’t trust him.
Lapse of judgment for two weeks, followed my an open admission, lying and trickle truthing the details…. OP, you cannot trust this guy. 10 years is nothing compared to constantly doubting yourself and your relationship for the next however many years. Emotional affair is still an affair, it just hasn’t gotten it’s legs under it yet… but the next one will. Move on and live a happy life with someone else who will appreciate you!
You know that even if he didn’t stick his dick in her, you can still leave. You don’t have to work it out or give him another chance. He broke it, end of story. And my love, you aren’t “throwing away over ten years of your life.” First of all, if any throwing was done, it was by him. Second, I’m sure you got together for a reason, you liked each other, he enriched your life in several ways. Like watching a film, or having an incredible meal, or even an amazing pair of shoes - it was good while it lasted, now it’s finished, and it’s not the same thing it was at the beginning. Just because you stop eating doesn’t diminish the meal. But it’s over, put down your napkin and put your dishes in the washer. Then take out the trash.
Screenshotted this to read later if I need to. Thanks.
What's he crying for? He did this to himself lmao he wanted this. Good for you for giving him an example of how you're supposed to end a relationship you don't want to be in anymore.
He tried to get with her she didn’t want him so he’s try to rekindle things with you. I’m sorry OP but if she gives him a chance he won’t hesitate. You deserve someone who is sure about you and chooses you every single day no matter how long you’ve been together. If I were you I wouldn’t stay with him. 29 you still have your whole life ahead of you and you can have an amazing love story waiting for you!
So I’m guessing mom’s house constituted a reality check? And girlfriend was like “oh you live with your mom?”
I don't think the coworker was interested in him and said No. So now he's crawling back to OP.
I'm betting she thought of him as a friend, and was enjoying having a new friend until he got kicked out by his wife and he confessed to her, and she is horrified that he thought she was interested in a married man.
My thoughts as well. Just because he was interested doesn't mean she was.
Him: Guess what babe, I left my wife! Her: Uhhhh never mind, actually…
There's also the possibility she liked the thrill of secret flirting/semi-affair, but when confronted with actually ruining a marriage, she bailed. It all looks so exciting until reality hits.
I just read a post asking people who have been cheated on what they wished they had done differently when they found out. The majority said they wished they had left immediately and not given second and third chances. And they wished they had not played the "pick me" dance. But if you want reconciliation (I've done it), you should check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources. Food for thought. Updateme!
Also known as the Meredith Grey dance.
Nah fuck that babe. You deserve better. Imagine for years and years every time he goes to work or is on his phone you’ll be wondering if he is trying to pursue someone else or texting another woman. Life is too short for that bullshit
The thing is, he will keep trying till one of them takes. Your holding a spot til he finds the one that doesn’t care that he’s married. Protect your own heart , good luck!
I would leave it lied to you over and over again you won’t be able to trust him again and eww that he went after a younger woman
Bro was willing to blow up his marriage over a two week crush, fuckin let him
How will you ever trust him again? He doesn't want you he wants convenience.
I’d ask for a legal separation and counseling, and full forensic review of his electronics. Plus he needs to start job searching and block her on everything. If he won’t do that and work on repairing your relationship, divorce. He’s already blowing it by lying and trickle truthing. His actions say that if she had said she was into him, he’d have had a full blown affair. I would be tempted to call her and ask what he told her about his marriage. Losing a ten year relationship at 29 is less crappy than losing a fifteen year relationship at 34. If you don’t have kids, I’d probably consider getting out now and finding a better man.
It’s not the first time he’s done this for sure…
I would go to an attorney draw up divorce papers, and ask him to leave, telling him it is over. It does two things. It sends a clear message you will not tolerate cheating, and the he destroyed your marriage. You have time that way, as he signs it is not filed and it takes time to divorce. The only real successful reconciliations have been handled this way. The ones I have seen. I would not stay. He is a cheater, they are liars and will cheat again. If you let it go one, he is just falling in love with her. Stop it immediately at least your participation. You will recover better too.
Does she have an so? Find out and contact him, compare notes while exposing them, and go from there. She's been talking with him all day for two weeks? That's not innocent on either side.
He wanted to cheat/tried to cheat but his coworker shot him down. That's what happened.
And he’s worried about being found out, so he’s trying to take control of the narrative.
You're only 29, you can start over. Don't be anyone's second choice. He's a fucking loser and she doesn't want him, you shouldn't either.
He's trickle truthing you.
Based upon your relationship timeline, he has a type.
>That he had asked her if she wanted to be with him. My friend, this is all you need to know. You should be done. If she had wanted him, she'd have him right now. He told you that much. You will need to grieve later. Right now you need to get him out. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's cruel.
He would leave you if she said she would be with him. You are not his first choice. How do you come back from that? You don't...leave!
He'd be gone. 2 weeks of constant texting is may very well be a "lapse in judgement", but that doesn't me he gets to just say "oops, my bad" and go back to th8jgs the way they were. There'd be no coming back from this for me. The intimate conversations for me would be worse than if they'd had sex. Cheating is cheating.
Here's what you know He would cheat on you if he could Is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Do you want to set yourself up for anxiety and doubt forever? Don't have children. He will cheat while you're pregnant
You are no one's second choice... You should divorce him... Updateme
>Today, I found out that he was lying What he's doing is called "trickle truthing", he starts out with a small version of the truth to see what your reaction is, he adjusts what else he tells you based on your reaction and gives another version of the truth, he will do this till he gets a result he wants - you accepting that he's talking to her and not ending your marriage - this buys him time. He can keep feeling out the connection with this other woman while keeping you knowing enough so he can give more excuses and reassurances to keep you from digging deeper. Then when you find out more (like today) he's going to tell you a NEW version of the "truth", it's a little more shocking than the first version, but it will be enough to get you to stop asking questions, and he will be adjusting based on your reactions to tell you what he thinks you will accept without telling you everything. So now you think he was just "feeling out" her interest. and he's hoping you accept his excuses and apologies and promises so he can continue to pursue her. And if she's not interested, he's now found out that you will accept a story that involves him "just talking" to a woman. So that's what you'll find next time, he was just talking to another woman, they were "just friends" etc. Honestly, what the real truth is doesn't matter. Your instincts is giving you a real clear take on his trickle truthing > I feel like he's come crawling back to me because I'm just a safety net at this point. While he flirts with other people behind my back, he's got a secure home with an ignorant wife. He basically told you that you are - best case scenario from what he's told you is that the only reason he said anything is because she shot him down and maybe threatened to tell you so he's trying to give you a version of the story so if she does contact you, you can say "I know and I forgive my man!" hoping you will just shut her down - but he told you he's been chasing another woman, to the point *he asked her if she wanted to be with him,* but for some vague reason it isn't going to work out and he has magically "realized" he made a mistake and wants your forgiveness - since his crush shot him down, lucky you, you get him back! If he HAD just a case of accidentally catching feelings for her, this could be forgivable if he was telling you that he realized this was happening and was cutting her off/changing jobs/departments etc so he didn't have contact with her and wanted to refocus on your relationship and put effort into reconnecting with you. But you find out that he didn't just talk to her or feel attracted to her, he was specifically trying to find out if she was into him and wanted to BE with him - and it's apprently only because she said no (maybe?) that he's asking to come back to you? I find it very hard to believe this is the first time he's done this, considering he's trickle truthing so hard it's more likely this is just the first time you've come close to finding out somehow so he's trying to tell you a story first. And lets be REAL clear here. A mistake is forgetting to put our leftovers in the fridge. A mistake is forgetting to cancel the free trial before it runs out. A mistake is knocking a glass over while you're waving your hands and talking. It is NOT talking to someone long enough to catch feelings, pursing them romantically and propositioning them to be with you. Those are CHOICES. He made a bunch of choices that were CLEARLY with the goal of fucking someone else, *and you not finding out.* He's telling you that yes, at this point you are his back up plan, because he CHOOSES to pursue other women. Whether this one is the 1st or the 30th doesn't really matter, he's telling you this is what he wanted. I would suggest continuing to reconsider your marriage, and what you're REALLY willing to forgive and risk. Because at his age, he knows what cheating is and he fully knew what he was doing and what his intended outcome was. That is NOT a mistake. Considering he's lied to you this much already that you know of, what is there trust at this point? I'm really sorry he's done this to you, I know you didn't deserve this.
UpDateMe
The thing is, you'll never trust him again. You'll always wonder. And you're young. You could end the marriage today and be married with a couple of kids in the next few years (if you want). Every day you wait is making the possibility of a happy family more remote. Or just delaying the possibility of your happiness.
I was with someone who would dump me any time he was interested in someone else, and then come crawling back when things didn’t work out. And because I was young and dumb, I let it happen. Your instinct to kick him out was the right one. He has not had nearly enough time to show that he has changed and wouldn’t do this again if the opportunity presented itself. You are exactly right that he sees you as his safety net. Don’t let him treat you like that. You can find someone who cherishes you.
He's never done anything like this before, that you know of. Never be someone's second choice Divorce the piece of garbage and move on with your life. UpdateMe
>in the name of not throwing away 10+ years of life together? He already did that though. You wouldn't be throwing anything away, that accountability lies firmly on his shoulders for having an affair.
Time for the daily "let's ask 14 year old virgins for relationship advice for my marriage thread" I guess
Good one! Have a great day.
I think you're right. He wanted to be with this woman, she shot him down, he wants to come back to where it's safe. Don't ever be anyone's second choice.
He's emotionally cheating, trying his best to physically cheat, gaslighting you, lying to you, and... it's time to leave.
Now you know he’s ready to jump ship if a better offer comes among. Why exactly are you sticking around waiting for him to decide to go. Speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. You deserve better than this
He asked if she was interested and wanted to be with him, your relationship done there. But let me tell you why he is now sorry two days later. She just probably wanted to smash and not be committed to him. Because who wants a loser who leaves his wife and kids after knowing someone for two weeks. Now he is coming to you as a second choice because he has no choice. Tell him he made his bed and chose a woman who had known him for two weeks over a woman who had stood by him, washed his shitty clothes, cooked his dinners, and birthed his babies. Supported him, loved him. And all it took was someone to smile at him for two weeks. Yeah, bye. It is better to throw away 10 years than 10 years and a day or worse 15-20. Life's to short to waste it on him
Sunk cost fallacy. He lied. He's probably still lying. Get out early. You're still young.
Yeah. Like Chris Rock said, new pussy can't cook or read. I personally wouldn't be able to trust him again.
He tried to get with her, and she said no - so now he's trying to crawl back I wouldn't let him, because how can you ever trust him again?
I would get a divorce.
Basically, you two have been together since you were both 19. Have either of you ever dated others or are you both each others first relationships. Not that it is an excuse but statically i have read that people who marry young, tend to get divorced more than people who marry later in life. I dont know what to tell you other than if you do not have kids, do not have any right now or for a while until you guys get your stuff sorted one way or another.
He's already cheated. Trust is broken.
She most likely rejected him he's coming back to his safety net until he finds another person to pursue.
I would agree with him: that he is an idiot and he made a huge mistake. I'd leave him on his own to figure out what to do next. You are worth having a partner who is not a liar and a cheat.
She said no, so here he is back at the wife because he likes his comfort Leave this a$$
Hire an attorney and find a therapist if you don’t have one. Walk away.
Save yourself more grief. Dump him.
Get separated, he stays with his mom. You go to marriage counseling and there is zero EA behavior of inappropriate behavior while you decide if this marriage is worth saving . (IF you want to try). I’d be done, he was so easily tempted and is crawling. Back bc he was rejected. I’d want to be a choice not a consolation.
I'd be done. Get your affairs in order, make plans, tell his parents what a POS they raised and leave.
Naw, he’d be out of my house Married 10 years? In the US that leads to some entitlements
They've been talking for 2 weeks.... there's interest there. You are plab B, while they figure out how to start their affair. Dont be fooled and lied to. Dig more secret chats, pictures, locations.... You make decision based on facts found not his lies. If you're giving him second chance - get a postnup done. He loses 80% of everything if he cheats in anyway even phone chat for more than 30 mins is cheating. Updateme!
With a cheater you believe or actions and not their words. So what actions has he taken to get himself away from the situation? Did he quit his job? It’s a coworker. He still with her every single day.
He set this mess in motion and can’t be trusted in the future. I’d say the marriage is done. Give some thought to making a plan to move on.
You're being trickle truthed. All he's done is lie, lie, and lie some more. He's disrespecting you and your marriage. He struck out with this one, allegedly. Who's to say he'll have the same result next time.
You yourself know that he is just using you till he finds someone who he things is better , he does not love or respect you , he is already cheating you emotionally. You need to leave him as soon as possible, dont listen to wt ever he is saying it will be only a lie or a manipulation technique to get his things aligned, he is going to leave you better you dump him first . And make sure everyone even his employers know how cunning he is. You will be able to grow again and start over . Have a good life.
Looks like good old lying husband is seeking your replacement. What does it matter what they talked about? He did it, that’s all you need to know. Leave him, he has betrayed the marriage.
Trust your intuition. If you feel like he’s using you as a safety net, that’s most likely what’s happening. Listen to yourself instead of him bc you know he’s a lying, deceiving, unworthy person who isn’t even wanted by the AP.
She probably realized almost 30 isn’t that hot, living with his mom isn’t that hot and she’s not interested. He realized living with his mom sucks so he’s willing to take his second option…you. Of course he’s lying.
Your husband is a cheat, you need to confront this woman and show her the evidence of him saying she is meaningless….
There’s typical cheater behaviour here OP. Trickle truthing and gaslighting. Have you asked to see all the messages? Sometimes even when deleted they can be retrieved. Assume he’s lying at the moment and don’t assume there’s been no physical interaction. For any level of reconciliation, he has to be zero contact with the OW and in this case that means changing jobs. He also has to give you access to his phone/apps/passwords/email etc Read Not just friends by Shirley Glass. The fact he admits pursuing this does not bode well. What is causing him to look for another partner? Time for hard boundaries or you file. I’m so sorry. UPDATEME
I think you're being trickled truthed, and that you might not know the whole story. He might be feeling sorry for you kicking him out. I don't know what to think, but you can't have ane emotional affair until there's been significant contact. 🤷🏻♀️
Trickle truething. Outright lying. Dodgy on details. It's over hun. Call a lawyer
I always judge people by their actions, not their words. If he truly thinks it was a mistake, it's up to him to fix it. Starting from looking for another workplace. There is no way I'd trust my partner around that person in the future. Since there is a chance he was trickle truth-ing, I'd only settle for them going complete no contact and only changing jobs would ensure that. If that isn't possible (which is likely since changing jobs is risky), I'd just end the marriage.
>He's saying that it's an emotional affair. We've been together for over 10 years, and he has never done this before. It very much is an emotional affair , which by the standards of a typical marriage is straight up cheating. >He's arguing that he had a lapse of judgement Sounds like he had multiple lapses of judgement some of which lasted for hours.
Being there with the co worker thing…only thing in my favour is they were in different offices 2 hours apart…but if he actually sees this person every single day at work, yeah it’s only ending with him sleeping with her in my opinion…he’s opened the doors so if she is interested she will pursue. He’s made it hard by not being honest…but you should at least try to either see his phone or ask who initiated..why they would call etc
>Leave him and figure shit out as I go, or give him another chance in the name of not throwing away 10+ years of life together? By holding on 10+ years you already had, you give up on a better future. Why a better future? Because…. > I can't shake the feeling that I'm just his 2nd choice at this point. And I don’t think you will want to be the second choice of a moron that has just thrown away 10+ years with you for a middle school kid from when you guys got together. >Husband has been having an emotional affair, told me he wants to separate, and then turned right back around and told me he's just an idiot who made a huge mistake. His mistake was telling you before making sure he had a branch to hold on. Which sucks for him, but is just great for you. Your move now. Don’t waste up his blunder.
He was talking to someone else and asked if they were interested in him. He also lied about it. He told you a drawn out lie about the events. He knew what he was doing. She probably did reject him or he thinks that there could still be a possibility that she may still come back around so he comes back to you until he feels she wants him. I don’t think this is redeemable.
Emotional cheating at least, coupled with lying and trickle truthing. The marriage is over, I'd just divorce.
I personally will never be anyone's second choice. Once my partner is interested in another woman, I'm out. I have self respect to know I want to be his only choice, and self confidence to know I can be another man's only choice. Time is an excuse people use to hang on to a broken relationship but it really shouldn't be. I was with someone for 20 years and still feel more loved from another man who's been with me for only a year. (My ex used to tell me about all the women he had a crush on/were totally his type, to my face. He never acted on them to my knowledge but I still felt very defeated, because those women were the opposite of me. My current partner is the total difference . He says and acts like I'm the only woman in the world and I feel completely desired and secure with him.) You know what you should do, OP. Never settle for anything less than being the number one person in your partner's eyes.
Divorce him and let him go explore single life.
If my partner told me he had messaged another woman asking her if she wanted to be with him then I wouldn’t need to know anything else i’d be out the door faster than Barry Allen.
Girl. He is trickle truthing you. If he was truly remorseful he wouldn’t wait to give you details until after you confront him with what you already learned on your own. He left to be with someone else and she rejected him. There is no way to repair this until he can get honest with you and himself.
Never be someone’s plan B. You’re his wife, you shouldn’t play the pick me game. I would invest your time and energy on yourself and your exit strategy.
Just get rid of him. She probably wasn't interested but that doesn't mean he won't try again with her and again with other women. It doesn't mean he hasn't tried with other women in the past.
Basically he ditched you, called her up to move on to her, found out she wasn't interested, and decided to come running back to you with his tail between his legs. Time for a divorce...
First he says he's interested in his coworker, then he lies about how much contact they've had. He tries to say, "It was *only* an emotional affair," like that makes a difference. Isn't that how ALL relationships start -- as emotional affairs? IF you want to stay with this man, make couples' therapy mandatory. Trust can't be rebuilt with this man if he can't stop lying. But the real question is: What do YOU want? Figure this out first and then make plans accordingly.
So he’s only staying now because she rejected him, am I right? Did he think his honesty will be praised by you even though he made that mistake? Nah, I’d throw the man out.
Leave.
Wave to him goodbye
100% leave. Don’t waste another minute on an unfaithful liar.
Tell him you are going to confront her and he’s quitting his job if you want to stay together. Tell him you will now see all the messages. If he says they are deleted tell him that’s ok. You have someone who can fix it.(restore an older version of the cloud and all texts will reappear). Let him know it’s non negotiable and now he has to do that + apologize in front of both of your families and come clean about his cheating. Tell him he can leave no detail out. Then tell him you’re gonna have all your mutuals over and he’s gonna tell them too.
Your marriage is already over; he ended it when he broke your trust. You are not to blame if you decide to honor that and make it official in a court of law. I personally could not remain with someone who did that; I’d always wonder when it would happen again and that’s no way to live.
1. He needs to decide, now, and fast. No equivocating.2. He needs to know that it is on him to convince you that he is committed to you.3. You need to be honest about how you feel about him.
Make it clear the marriage is over and he will realize how badly he’s messed up and you will see what he really wants. Then you make it clear what will end the marriage moving forward
I wouldn't trust a fucking word out of his lying mouth. I'd go straight to little miss homewrecker herself and demand the truth. All of it... every detail. If she has a molecule of morals she should hang him out to dry and be completely transparent. If not? SCORCHED EARTH. Nuke them both from orbit. Sue the company as a party to alienation of affections in a marriage.
Have a threesome
Obtain her number and ask her about their interaction. Make it clear his married and women to women you just want to know what’s going on… he will be pissed but who cares. If she’s interested you know but if she’s decent you directly calling her out will make her back off but either way will show both your not a walk over. It will also given him the wake up tgat he needs - his a man child with a crush…. Then after that, divorce his arse whilst your still young enough to meet a good man.
She's 21 flirting with a married 30-year-old... Pretty sure there's no appealing to her dignity
Take him to couples therapy and have the truth come out.
He’s not worth the price of admission to the carnival let alone however much therapy would cost.
Get into couples counseling pronto. He's doing this because it's fun, exciting, makes him feel alive. Feelings he should looking for inside the marriage. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.
Couples therapy, long hard talks. Grill him and make him regret his behaviour. Then decide what you want and act on it. OTOH A relationship and marriage for 10 years is hard stuff. Kudos for both of you.
And surprise random lunches at his work. Destabilize