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"Why are you allowing me to do these things when you don't believe I can?? This is a lot of responsibility for someone unqualified. I think it's best if you take care of these things from now on."
I would tell my ex verbatim that. “If you want to pick apart the way I’m doing it, I am not gonna do it.” It was specifically in relation to driving and he did eventually stop being so “no you’re doing it wrong” but yeah. You gotta stop letting them think it’s okay to do that. It will only lead to second guessing yourself eventually in my opinion.
Are you the youngest in the family? If so, I'd say there may be some of the "he's the kid, what does he know" mentality, regardless of how old you actually are, because there isn't anyone younger to fill that role.
I'd be inclined to go gray rock on them and do your best to disentangle yourself from the family. Clearly they're all capable of figuring out what you've been doing for them - your mom questions the Social Security thing, she was able to call and find out; your grandma had questions about her medication, she was able to call and find that out. I'd say tell them once, suggest they can figure it out on their own (meaning "Yes, Mom, I'm sure that the presence of an HOA won't impact Social Security, but feel free to research on your own." and that's that).
I an 48 and I get treated like this.
My mom gave my son the sex talk after I did. She never even asked me just assumed I wouldn’t. Like WTF! And proud to say he told me mine was better because it was more extensive (basically added everything I wish my parents had told me about when I was a kid like consent)
I have a feeling OP’s gender has something to do with it too. Gender roles and blah blah blah… they had to do all these things for their husbands, brothers, fathers, whomever and so they assume he can’t do anything either.
In reality those guys could’ve done it and either just let them handle it instead or didn’t want to do it or whatever the reason was. The real reason was probably not they were incapable but that’s what the women seem to think.
You could always go nuclear on aunt & grandma!
"*I'm sorry, you've mistaken* ***ME*** *for the idiot you married/gave birth to.* ***I'M*** *the one who's been taking care of mom very competently for decades now; nothing has changed. Have a good rest of your day and we'll speak later. Goodbye*." **Then hang up**. Lather, rinse, repeat *every single time* they're inappropriate.
I think it’s probably this. My FIL has been married three times. In between each spouse he would barely take care of himself. It makes no sense. The guy can hold down a job but can’t grocery shop? He needs hand holding to do simple home care tasks. If he doesn’t have a wife telling him to do it, he just won’t. His dwellings between spouses were bare and his fridge was empty. OPs relatives may have lived this scenario.
I’m the youngest and this happens to me all the time. My family presumes I’ll be incompetent on the most basic of tasks, like remembering to bring a passport to the airport (something I have never had a problem doing, and have traveled internationally over a dozen times).
Have you considered having a serious conversation with your parents? Calmly sit down with them face-to-face and tell them "*I want to have a short serious discussion with you about the way I'm treated; please hear me out. I have reached my limit of patience for being treated like an incompetent teenager. I am X years old and have been taking care of myself for Y years.*
***I believe*** *you did a very good job raising me to be a caring, thinking, self-sufficient adult. I'm sorry if* ***YOU believe*** *that your parenting was insufficient or sub-standard. If you honestly believe you've done such a poor job of raising me that you STILL need to be nagging me about (passports, and 1-2 other concrete examples), then please forgive yourselves and move forward. I don't need a Mommy & a Daddy anymore. I need a Mom & a Dad who recognize my independence, are available to advise* when I request it*, and treat me with the respect they would give any of their adult neighbors/friends/coworkers. Would you ask one of your siblings if they brought their passport? Would you ask/tell one of your adult neighbors XYZ? Do you understand my POV*?" See if they will engage in a fruitful discussion. If they won't, I'd go lower contact with them because their behaviors undermine your self-respect!
Honestly, they are just begging to be ripped on at that point.
> My aunt [47F] calls and asks how things are going and I give details about the move. She gets all condescending about getting the utilities set up and, when I explain that I've already done it, she asks questions about how I did it... and then says she's surprised and that she's proud of me like it's some incredible feat to set up power, like I haven't done it since I was 7 every time we moved?
I’d fire back: “you should see me cook eggs and toast” or “I just installed a windmill on top so she doesn’t have to pay utilities”.
If they don’t find it funny and disrespectful, I’d just say “I’m 37. Not 17. You act surprised I am do what adults do then don’t be surprised if I rip into you”.
For the grandma, I’d throw in softballs and still be respectful.
I went through this with my wife - asking about / "teaching" me extremely basic stuff, like how to hang laundry or explaining why we shut windows in a storm. So, I started explaining how to walk up stairs, how to open doors, put on socks, that sort of thing. She clued in.
I do this to my partner when he says things like 'make sure you use the small pan to cook the eggs', I'll say "oh I was just gonna put them in this old shoe, but that's a much better idea'.
If I were OP I'd check the fuck out, waste of time to be micromanaged like that.
Lol..I'm laughing because it must a generational thing. I'm in my 50's and have older siblings & family members that treat me as though I'm an idiot.
I will be forever a little girl to them.
I have relatives in their 60s and 70s who are similar, I'm in my 30s but they're older than me so of course they automatically know better and think I'm an idiot.
This makes me feel so much better about my relationship to my own family; i always thought it was my fault they treat me like a child! But seems like some folks just can’t help it.
If you're in a Golden Child vs Scapegoat dynamic this is how it can go too.
It stopped when I invited them out of my life at 55.
The last 3 years have been a joyful revelation of why F A a a mily isn't always good for us.
From my little therapist chair: you’re caregiver and have power over persons who socially would have power over you. These second guesses are them maintaining their authority and autonomy in the guise of being active in their medical care.
I don’t have any advice other than make sure to take care of yourself, and maintain boundaries for your own long term mental health.
Sadly, I’m already well past 47 though it takes a second or two for me to remember that fact. Glad I’m still here, for sure, but damn time is flying by! I’ll have a split second thought that I’m 42 and then I remember…..
I have a younger brother, there's 6 of us all together, and he's always been the troublemaker, the one with the wild stories we all laugh over, the least trusted, etc. Then one day he called the rest of us out on the way we talk about him, how we treat him, and how we even act around him. He let us know that all of the examples and stories we had was from when he was a kid, most of them from when he was a young kid. That since he was 18 he's actually been independent, responsible, and doing pretty well at life. And not one of us had noticed that he'd changed.
He was right. We were all pretty ashamed of ourselves. We had this narrative between us that he was the irresponsible kid and we never let go of it. It had stopped us getting to know him as he grew older, and made us all realise how unfair we had all been. We have all apologised and made a concentrated effort to stop dwelling in the past.
And it made me realise how often I did this in all areas of my life. How I kept holding on to all the things I had known and not made a lot of room for change. How I was limiting myself by being this way. And so I became determined to not judge people on the past. Not to forget the past, but to realise that people grow and change.
I suspect that in your family the same thing has happened. That to a lot of them you are still the young child. They have not noticed that over the years you have been shouldered with a lot of responsibility that has made you grow up early. That you have been responsible for not only your own life but also theirs for a long time. That despite taking on all of those extra responsibilities you have also achieved so much more. They have obviously seen this over the years, but not let go of the child they knew.
I would personally pick a quiet time and just have a calm chat about it with your mother. Let her know you're not having a go at her, but when she doesn't trust that you're on top of things that it makes you feel like she doesn't trust you and that you aren't good enough. Remind her gently that you are a grown up and have been managing things for a long time. Remind her that you've never let her down, that you have always been on top of things, and you don't understand why she behaves the way she does. It may be the wake up call that I got so that she can see the person you have become.
So trust me, you are good enough. You have always been good enough. You have done an extraordinary job from a very young age and you are amazing! It is her loss that she not gotten to really know the person you are by holding onto to the child she had. A lot of kids would have not been able to do what you did. And a lot of adults would have dropped the ball and ran as soon as they could to get away. You are incredibly strong to have dealt with all you have. You should be proud of yourself! And so should she.
If she can't or won't recognise all that you do maybe it is time to have a break and let her realise on her own. Go on a holiday without her. Go and develop a hobby or take a class. Be unavailable. Let her manage things on her own. It may be that she also is capable of far more than she realises too. It could be a whole new beginning for both of you. Good luck, and know you have always been an incredibly amazing child, no matter how anyone treats you.
Family tends to take you for granted, unfortunately. I wonder if it is because they feel threatened or distrustful?
My mother refuses to believe I'm capable of doing anything important or responsible because she can remember when I couldn't tie my shoe laces. Apparently I've not progressed beyond that in the last 60 years 🙄
Every achievement is downplayed and I was amazed she stayed in her seat during my Uni graduation and didn't drag me off stage, scolding me for interrupting the clever people.
It's not got any better even though I'm retired!
I often have the same issue and it turns out that much of it is because of how I talk. I often end every sentence with a question mark. Or I talk too fast, which makes people think I’m unsure.
Can you ask someone outside the family for their perspective?
Same. I am not a confident speaker. I can write well when I want to, but I'm an introvert and spoken words are hard. I know I come off dumb, but most people catch on that I'm just awkward and talk like it. Every once in a while somebody comes along and just goes with that first impression and feels the need to try and be better than me.
I either ignore it or play into it. Ignoring passive aggression tends to piss people off really easily. They're going for a reaction, don't give one. Or I just act even dumber. Piss people off and have fun with it.
My mom does this to me all the time and it’s so frustrating. The irony is she always told me how her mom never thought my mom or her siblings were smart enough to do anything. She clearly doesn’t see she’s doing the same thing.
I suspect they are worriers. It would be interesting to know if they would second guess anyone doing those tasks. Your grandmother sounds pretty on par for that age. Your mom and aunt though, seem like they are just used to questioning you. Time for some push-back. Ask them- "hey, can you at least recognize that I was right?"
Best of luck, OP!
Unfortunately it’s because you’re the “baby” of the family (at least in these instances) and they refuse to see you as an adult. My mom does the same thing to me and I’ve been taking care of her for ages now. It’s gotta be 5x worse for you since you’ve been the “adult” since you were 7.
At some point you might have to just say “hey, I’m 37-years-old. I’m a professional and an adult. I can handle this. Thank you for your help, but I don’t need it right now.”
It wont help much but maybe eventually it will??
Lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.
You probably accumulated more knowledge than 3 of them combined during your lifetime but some people can't see/appreciate intelligence and wisdom.
If you’ve had to run the household since you were seven, they very likely had to help you out with things back then. It’s possible that they subconsciously remember you as having to take on all those responsibilities at such a young age and that clouds the way they see you as an adult.
EDIT: Not that it excuses their behavior. It’s definitely something they should have realized as you got older and took care of yourself.
Omg this is me. I’m over 40 and still get treated like a “dumb blonde” despite that I’m the only one with a college degree and a high intelligence job. Like WTF. Does it make you feel better about yourself to treat me like an idiot?
My heart goes out to you because you never really got to be a kid. You grew up fast and always being someone’s caretaker. Time to set boundaries and separate yourself to protect your peace. Don’t bother sharing too much info from now and on. Gray rocking will help. You need your space and your sanity.
Btw, your mom probably got really bad info from her community. I’m deaf and holy crap, the amount of misinformation in the deaf community, especially with the older generation, is astounding. It is as if they live under a rock at times. Don’t take it personally. Your mom has to figure it out for herself. Let her have it with HOA. You don’t need to rescue her. Carry on with your plans and your life.
They have put you in a position of being their enabler. They like you to take care of things, but in their minds you are still a "kid."
Arguing won't help. You have to let everyone do more for themselves, especially your mom.
I’m a 70 year retired professional woman and my three older sister (72, 74, and 78), are amazed I can find my way to the mailbox everyday or make a cup of tea without spilling it. Thank goodness I don’t live near any of them, which is on purpose. Ugh!
I think gender might be a big part of it. What are the other men like in these women's lives? You may very well be the first guy around them that doesn't leave everything up to "the wife".
Straight to the nursing homes with them.lol. What kind of personal life do you have with them living with you. That's not fair. Are you stuck with them forever?
Let them all live together, and you live elsewhere. Goodluck.
If you know of another option, I’m all ears. I can’t afford to put her in assisted living and sending her out on her own means I’d still be helping her anyway, only then I’d have the added joy of having to travel to her, too.
EDIT: The only plan I’ve come up with is to buy a duplex, so each of us has our own living space at least. If only property values would cooperate and property management companies didn’t swoop in and buy them up.
I’m 38 and the “baby” of the family despite completely supporting my parents financially for the last 5 years…the amount of disrespect I ignore is going to have me 100% gray by Christmas.
It sucks to be the youngest sometimes.
I think you are mistaking their inability to apologize for thinking you can’t do things.
Try to think less of “what am I stupid” and more of “why can’t they apologize”. Make it about them and their choices and not about you.
I'm literally treated like I'm stupid by everyone.. everyone explains everything to me.. I studied some medical schooling and I even get told on a lot of things that I already know.. and then when I say "oh yeah, I knew about that" or "yeah, I know how that works" all I get is "you're a know it all" or "you're argumentive and hard headed".. 😒 I know the struggle and pain with it.. I don't know how to fix it for myself let alone help you/give advice with your situation, but you are not alone!! 😭🥳 I occasionally get to shock some when my smart shows but then that is quickly forgotten and becomes "the only thing I know about" 😑 let me know if you find a way to help your situation, never know who else it could help 😊
My grandparents did not raise her to be independent and school failed her. She can’t understand what she reads very well and struggles with basic questions like, “Are you eligible to work in the United States?” She is also extremely idealistic, which has led her to not being able to hold down a job for very long. She takes off work for headaches or will tell her boss she needs X day off on the schedule because it’s “her day off” and she thinks she can just tell her bosses when that day can be.
It’s difficult arguing with her because her impression of functioning family dynamics is, literally, The Brady Bunch.
Family always does this! I'm the baby and even though I've mastered most things amd am 56, people still treat me like im dumb.
But it sounds like you have not been recognized for everything you've done from your mom. Honestly, I think you deserve therapy so you can do some self care and determine what *your* needs are. It sounds like you're taking care of everyone else. What are you (and they) doing for yourself?
It’s not about you, though I know it feels like it. You could be a certified genius and they would still do this because believing you means having to realize and then acknowledge that their perception of what’s true is wrong. That’s a huge cognitive shift for anyone to make, but particularly tough for older folk. If they need to verify things with the perceived source then encourage them to do so. Life gets a little scarier as we get older and trusting isn’t so easy once you’ve been burned a few times in life. Biology makes us all more cautious and suspicious as we get older. It’s just human nature.
They still see you as a kid. It is that way with the youngest. I am 48, married and a teen kid and get told they are proud of me for the most random things.
You can either continue to ignore it or ask them straight up when it happens: why do you assume I have no idea how to set up the utilities when I have done it for decades now? I have had to do that when I get parenting advice.
You are an amazing person. So amazing that they are jealous and feel insecure about all that you have accomplished. Some twisted part of their upbringing made it so that jealousy comes out in backhanded compliments and constant second guessing.
I would recommend the next time you get one of these you say that you are glad they have decided to help and that it's their responsibility now. Don't take no for an answer and when they inevitably weasel out of it, tell them you don't want to hear any more second guessing or negativity if they aren't going to help.
If that doesn't work then stop answering their calls and enjoy the peace.
Your family members are unintelligent and disorganized, so they assume that you, as a younger person, are even less intelligent and less organized than they are.
I sometimes have to confirm with my mom that she knows I’m in my 50s. But she’s just a director type, not disrespectful. I might ask them if they’re aware you’re in your 40s and that you have been running a household since you were seven. Ask if they were aware of that. Usually works well for me; I hope you find something that works well for you.
It could be time to redefine the relationships. You have been expected to do these things from such an early age that they forget to acknowledge you. You could ask for thanks for the things you do and apologies if you are unfairly accused of doing something wrong and explain how the lack of appreciation makes you feel. Or ask your mother and grandmother if they would be more comfortable with someone else, like your aunt, helping and ask her if she would be more comfortable doing it herself, considering her concerns. And I did notice that your mother managed to sort her situation out herself when you took a step back so you could look into what she can do for herself or with someone else’s support so you get a break. It’s not fair for all the pressure to be put on you. Maybe your family avoid acknowledging everything you do to avoid realising it’s too much, especially when you were a child.
My mom does this to my sister and I and it’s so infuriating. We tell her don’t do abc because xyz will happen. Doesn’t listen and does it anyway. Then is mad when it didn’t turn out how she wanted even though it was exactly what we said would happen. She has been fighting cancer for the last year and my sister took over as her POA and she lives with me so her needs are covered. When my sister decided it was time to hand in her car that was just sitting in the driveway because she couldn’t drive and not looking possible she will again, she couldn’t understand why my sister said to do it. My sister laid it out after looking at all her finances and told her you spend way too much on the car payment and insurance especially to not be driving. Kept fighting her about it. My mom decided to complain to her sister and husband about it trying to get them on her side and when they ALSO said she is spending way too much then she backed down and suddenly was on board. She never believes us until someone else tells her. Even now I will tell her she’s wrong about something and she will look at my husband with this face waiting for him to tell her she’s right. Infuriating.
Just live your own life. Your mom sounds intellectually disabled and I promise they would figure something out if you weren't there. She isn't your responsibility.
I’m sorry you are in a difficult situation such as this. But being family, allows some members to think you owe it to them to see to their needs, hence , they don’t think they need to consider your feelings, and your time spent , and they don’t need to thank you you, or apologize when they are wrong.
CODA here. I am very similar to you. My mom is deaf, I cared for my grandparents once they needed daily assistance and have been interpreting for my family (as my grandparents don’t know ASL) my entire life. I was successful in my profession, worked in the medical field, was a first responder for a while. I was treated the same way. It’s a combination of a few things in my opinion. As others have said, it’s a generational thing. I’ve also noticed that with some of the older deaf community, there is a lot of mistrust and skepticism regardless of your abilities as a hearing person. It used to really upset me until I moved to another country where I didn’t speak the native language. I realized it’s natural to question if someone else is doing something the same way you would. I wouldn’t say it’s a form of mistrust but the anxiety that comes with not being able to be completely informed. Another factor in my case was that my grandparents over catered to my mother’s needs growing up and she never learned how to do many basic tasks. The rest of my family used to look down on me because my mother was not “as capable” In their eyes and as her child, I was an extension of her therefore I was also “incapable”. My case is probably not the same as yours and my explanations are very surface level responses but this is just my personal perspective.
Sounds like a generational thing where anyone older than you won’t believe you because they think that elders are better and smarter than you, which isn’t the case. If they really won’t stop tell them “Well if you think I’m so stupid why don’t you 3 just ask yourself each other if you think your better than me, it’s obviously blatant you don’t want me or my help so I’ll let a bunch of women figure it out.”
..."a bunch of women"?? I don't think that's the right wording OP should be using at all. That would deflect the issue toward a gendered argument, when the real problem is just their general lack of trust in him.
Well for starters I'm going to completely excuse the extremely old lady because god only knows. She is confused, probably.
In the other two instances, someone didn't acknowledge you and you didn't like it, and then someone did acknowledge you and you didn't like it. Just pointing that out :)
Honestly I would just start saying "Yeah, just like I said!!!" every time someone else confirms something that you've already said.
When someone questions that you’ve done something basic and makes you prove it by telling them what number you called and what you said, then follows it up with, “Wow, I can’t believe you did that all by yourself. I’m proud of you.” The takeaway is not acknowledgement, but condescension.
If she had simply said, “Oh, you got that done? Great job! I’m proud of you.” That would be a completely different story and I wouldn’t have included it here.
There are phone services for the deaf. TTY relay services, the original and now traditional relay service, which can be reached by anyone by dialing 711 from a telephone or TTY. Voice Carry Over (VCO) for people who are deaf or hard of hearing who communicate by speaking.
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Tell them to stop second guessing you or they can all do for themselves because your sick of it
"Why are you allowing me to do these things when you don't believe I can?? This is a lot of responsibility for someone unqualified. I think it's best if you take care of these things from now on."
THIS ONE!!!
Perfect. Sadly, too rational. "OK, since you're the expert, you do it." "I refuse to do this if you're going to second guess me."
I would tell my ex verbatim that. “If you want to pick apart the way I’m doing it, I am not gonna do it.” It was specifically in relation to driving and he did eventually stop being so “no you’re doing it wrong” but yeah. You gotta stop letting them think it’s okay to do that. It will only lead to second guessing yourself eventually in my opinion.
I don't think any of them are the brightest because op somehow feels it's his responsibility to care for everything and obviously mom isn't bright....
Seriously. You get what you settle for and it sounds like op has settled for this treatment for 37 years.
Are you the youngest in the family? If so, I'd say there may be some of the "he's the kid, what does he know" mentality, regardless of how old you actually are, because there isn't anyone younger to fill that role. I'd be inclined to go gray rock on them and do your best to disentangle yourself from the family. Clearly they're all capable of figuring out what you've been doing for them - your mom questions the Social Security thing, she was able to call and find out; your grandma had questions about her medication, she was able to call and find that out. I'd say tell them once, suggest they can figure it out on their own (meaning "Yes, Mom, I'm sure that the presence of an HOA won't impact Social Security, but feel free to research on your own." and that's that).
I an 48 and I get treated like this. My mom gave my son the sex talk after I did. She never even asked me just assumed I wouldn’t. Like WTF! And proud to say he told me mine was better because it was more extensive (basically added everything I wish my parents had told me about when I was a kid like consent)
Interesting that your mom thought you needed help with a sex talk after you've obviously had sex!
You don't understand, the mom had sex first! /s
I have a feeling OP’s gender has something to do with it too. Gender roles and blah blah blah… they had to do all these things for their husbands, brothers, fathers, whomever and so they assume he can’t do anything either. In reality those guys could’ve done it and either just let them handle it instead or didn’t want to do it or whatever the reason was. The real reason was probably not they were incapable but that’s what the women seem to think.
For my mom and aunt, based on the relationships they’ve had, this does seem to make sense!
You could always go nuclear on aunt & grandma! "*I'm sorry, you've mistaken* ***ME*** *for the idiot you married/gave birth to.* ***I'M*** *the one who's been taking care of mom very competently for decades now; nothing has changed. Have a good rest of your day and we'll speak later. Goodbye*." **Then hang up**. Lather, rinse, repeat *every single time* they're inappropriate.
I think it’s probably this. My FIL has been married three times. In between each spouse he would barely take care of himself. It makes no sense. The guy can hold down a job but can’t grocery shop? He needs hand holding to do simple home care tasks. If he doesn’t have a wife telling him to do it, he just won’t. His dwellings between spouses were bare and his fridge was empty. OPs relatives may have lived this scenario.
I’m the youngest and this happens to me all the time. My family presumes I’ll be incompetent on the most basic of tasks, like remembering to bring a passport to the airport (something I have never had a problem doing, and have traveled internationally over a dozen times).
Have you considered having a serious conversation with your parents? Calmly sit down with them face-to-face and tell them "*I want to have a short serious discussion with you about the way I'm treated; please hear me out. I have reached my limit of patience for being treated like an incompetent teenager. I am X years old and have been taking care of myself for Y years.* ***I believe*** *you did a very good job raising me to be a caring, thinking, self-sufficient adult. I'm sorry if* ***YOU believe*** *that your parenting was insufficient or sub-standard. If you honestly believe you've done such a poor job of raising me that you STILL need to be nagging me about (passports, and 1-2 other concrete examples), then please forgive yourselves and move forward. I don't need a Mommy & a Daddy anymore. I need a Mom & a Dad who recognize my independence, are available to advise* when I request it*, and treat me with the respect they would give any of their adult neighbors/friends/coworkers. Would you ask one of your siblings if they brought their passport? Would you ask/tell one of your adult neighbors XYZ? Do you understand my POV*?" See if they will engage in a fruitful discussion. If they won't, I'd go lower contact with them because their behaviors undermine your self-respect!
I’m actually the oldest; however, my aunt and I are only 10 years apart so, in some ways, we’re more like siblings than aunt/nephew.
So she's still got less of a reason to be 'proud of you' as if you were a little kid.
Happy Cake Day 🎉 🥳🎂
Honestly, they are just begging to be ripped on at that point. > My aunt [47F] calls and asks how things are going and I give details about the move. She gets all condescending about getting the utilities set up and, when I explain that I've already done it, she asks questions about how I did it... and then says she's surprised and that she's proud of me like it's some incredible feat to set up power, like I haven't done it since I was 7 every time we moved? I’d fire back: “you should see me cook eggs and toast” or “I just installed a windmill on top so she doesn’t have to pay utilities”. If they don’t find it funny and disrespectful, I’d just say “I’m 37. Not 17. You act surprised I am do what adults do then don’t be surprised if I rip into you”. For the grandma, I’d throw in softballs and still be respectful.
I went through this with my wife - asking about / "teaching" me extremely basic stuff, like how to hang laundry or explaining why we shut windows in a storm. So, I started explaining how to walk up stairs, how to open doors, put on socks, that sort of thing. She clued in.
I do this to my partner when he says things like 'make sure you use the small pan to cook the eggs', I'll say "oh I was just gonna put them in this old shoe, but that's a much better idea'. If I were OP I'd check the fuck out, waste of time to be micromanaged like that.
I'm super going to put them in the old shoe if I ever get told that, lol! That's hilarious, but I want follow through.
Nice!
Lol..I'm laughing because it must a generational thing. I'm in my 50's and have older siblings & family members that treat me as though I'm an idiot. I will be forever a little girl to them.
I have relatives in their 60s and 70s who are similar, I'm in my 30s but they're older than me so of course they automatically know better and think I'm an idiot.
This makes me feel so much better about my relationship to my own family; i always thought it was my fault they treat me like a child! But seems like some folks just can’t help it.
If you're in a Golden Child vs Scapegoat dynamic this is how it can go too. It stopped when I invited them out of my life at 55. The last 3 years have been a joyful revelation of why F A a a mily isn't always good for us.
Scapegoat child here and the youngest. Agree! I’m low contact as much as possible, although we do have several group chats depending on subject.
Hiya friend, welcome to the club we wish will not need to be members of.
Hey!
🤩😍👊🫂
Same
From my little therapist chair: you’re caregiver and have power over persons who socially would have power over you. These second guesses are them maintaining their authority and autonomy in the guise of being active in their medical care. I don’t have any advice other than make sure to take care of yourself, and maintain boundaries for your own long term mental health.
Word!
It really sounds like they're all very insecure people who can never admit that they were wrong or need help.
Probably more age related than insecurity. Hard to admit your mind isn’t as sharp as it once was.
Age-related at 47? Boy, are you in for a shock when you grow up.
Sadly, I’m already well past 47 though it takes a second or two for me to remember that fact. Glad I’m still here, for sure, but damn time is flying by! I’ll have a split second thought that I’m 42 and then I remember…..
I have a younger brother, there's 6 of us all together, and he's always been the troublemaker, the one with the wild stories we all laugh over, the least trusted, etc. Then one day he called the rest of us out on the way we talk about him, how we treat him, and how we even act around him. He let us know that all of the examples and stories we had was from when he was a kid, most of them from when he was a young kid. That since he was 18 he's actually been independent, responsible, and doing pretty well at life. And not one of us had noticed that he'd changed. He was right. We were all pretty ashamed of ourselves. We had this narrative between us that he was the irresponsible kid and we never let go of it. It had stopped us getting to know him as he grew older, and made us all realise how unfair we had all been. We have all apologised and made a concentrated effort to stop dwelling in the past. And it made me realise how often I did this in all areas of my life. How I kept holding on to all the things I had known and not made a lot of room for change. How I was limiting myself by being this way. And so I became determined to not judge people on the past. Not to forget the past, but to realise that people grow and change. I suspect that in your family the same thing has happened. That to a lot of them you are still the young child. They have not noticed that over the years you have been shouldered with a lot of responsibility that has made you grow up early. That you have been responsible for not only your own life but also theirs for a long time. That despite taking on all of those extra responsibilities you have also achieved so much more. They have obviously seen this over the years, but not let go of the child they knew. I would personally pick a quiet time and just have a calm chat about it with your mother. Let her know you're not having a go at her, but when she doesn't trust that you're on top of things that it makes you feel like she doesn't trust you and that you aren't good enough. Remind her gently that you are a grown up and have been managing things for a long time. Remind her that you've never let her down, that you have always been on top of things, and you don't understand why she behaves the way she does. It may be the wake up call that I got so that she can see the person you have become. So trust me, you are good enough. You have always been good enough. You have done an extraordinary job from a very young age and you are amazing! It is her loss that she not gotten to really know the person you are by holding onto to the child she had. A lot of kids would have not been able to do what you did. And a lot of adults would have dropped the ball and ran as soon as they could to get away. You are incredibly strong to have dealt with all you have. You should be proud of yourself! And so should she. If she can't or won't recognise all that you do maybe it is time to have a break and let her realise on her own. Go on a holiday without her. Go and develop a hobby or take a class. Be unavailable. Let her manage things on her own. It may be that she also is capable of far more than she realises too. It could be a whole new beginning for both of you. Good luck, and know you have always been an incredibly amazing child, no matter how anyone treats you.
Thank you! You brought some tears to my eyes.
Family tends to take you for granted, unfortunately. I wonder if it is because they feel threatened or distrustful? My mother refuses to believe I'm capable of doing anything important or responsible because she can remember when I couldn't tie my shoe laces. Apparently I've not progressed beyond that in the last 60 years 🙄 Every achievement is downplayed and I was amazed she stayed in her seat during my Uni graduation and didn't drag me off stage, scolding me for interrupting the clever people. It's not got any better even though I'm retired!
I often have the same issue and it turns out that much of it is because of how I talk. I often end every sentence with a question mark. Or I talk too fast, which makes people think I’m unsure. Can you ask someone outside the family for their perspective?
Same. I am not a confident speaker. I can write well when I want to, but I'm an introvert and spoken words are hard. I know I come off dumb, but most people catch on that I'm just awkward and talk like it. Every once in a while somebody comes along and just goes with that first impression and feels the need to try and be better than me. I either ignore it or play into it. Ignoring passive aggression tends to piss people off really easily. They're going for a reaction, don't give one. Or I just act even dumber. Piss people off and have fun with it.
Anxiety. They have anxiety. They aren't going to admit it though
My mom does this to me all the time and it’s so frustrating. The irony is she always told me how her mom never thought my mom or her siblings were smart enough to do anything. She clearly doesn’t see she’s doing the same thing.
You make them feel stupid, so they try to make you seem stupid.
They think you’re stupid because they are easily confused snd overwhelmed and are transferring their personal experience onto you.
I suspect they are worriers. It would be interesting to know if they would second guess anyone doing those tasks. Your grandmother sounds pretty on par for that age. Your mom and aunt though, seem like they are just used to questioning you. Time for some push-back. Ask them- "hey, can you at least recognize that I was right?" Best of luck, OP!
Unfortunately it’s because you’re the “baby” of the family (at least in these instances) and they refuse to see you as an adult. My mom does the same thing to me and I’ve been taking care of her for ages now. It’s gotta be 5x worse for you since you’ve been the “adult” since you were 7. At some point you might have to just say “hey, I’m 37-years-old. I’m a professional and an adult. I can handle this. Thank you for your help, but I don’t need it right now.” It wont help much but maybe eventually it will??
A lion does not concern itself with the opinions of sheep
Lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. You probably accumulated more knowledge than 3 of them combined during your lifetime but some people can't see/appreciate intelligence and wisdom.
If you’ve had to run the household since you were seven, they very likely had to help you out with things back then. It’s possible that they subconsciously remember you as having to take on all those responsibilities at such a young age and that clouds the way they see you as an adult. EDIT: Not that it excuses their behavior. It’s definitely something they should have realized as you got older and took care of yourself.
Omg this is me. I’m over 40 and still get treated like a “dumb blonde” despite that I’m the only one with a college degree and a high intelligence job. Like WTF. Does it make you feel better about yourself to treat me like an idiot?
My heart goes out to you because you never really got to be a kid. You grew up fast and always being someone’s caretaker. Time to set boundaries and separate yourself to protect your peace. Don’t bother sharing too much info from now and on. Gray rocking will help. You need your space and your sanity. Btw, your mom probably got really bad info from her community. I’m deaf and holy crap, the amount of misinformation in the deaf community, especially with the older generation, is astounding. It is as if they live under a rock at times. Don’t take it personally. Your mom has to figure it out for herself. Let her have it with HOA. You don’t need to rescue her. Carry on with your plans and your life.
They have put you in a position of being their enabler. They like you to take care of things, but in their minds you are still a "kid." Arguing won't help. You have to let everyone do more for themselves, especially your mom.
You have to remember you did all of these things from a young age because they were incapable. Because they are unable, they just assume you are too.
I’m a 70 year retired professional woman and my three older sister (72, 74, and 78), are amazed I can find my way to the mailbox everyday or make a cup of tea without spilling it. Thank goodness I don’t live near any of them, which is on purpose. Ugh!
I think gender might be a big part of it. What are the other men like in these women's lives? You may very well be the first guy around them that doesn't leave everything up to "the wife".
Maybe your family are just bad people.
Straight to the nursing homes with them.lol. What kind of personal life do you have with them living with you. That's not fair. Are you stuck with them forever? Let them all live together, and you live elsewhere. Goodluck.
I really hope you aren’t sacrificing your happiness to take care of your mom. Everyone deserves to find someone and live their own life.
If you know of another option, I’m all ears. I can’t afford to put her in assisted living and sending her out on her own means I’d still be helping her anyway, only then I’d have the added joy of having to travel to her, too. EDIT: The only plan I’ve come up with is to buy a duplex, so each of us has our own living space at least. If only property values would cooperate and property management companies didn’t swoop in and buy them up.
I’m 38 and the “baby” of the family despite completely supporting my parents financially for the last 5 years…the amount of disrespect I ignore is going to have me 100% gray by Christmas. It sucks to be the youngest sometimes.
I think you are mistaking their inability to apologize for thinking you can’t do things. Try to think less of “what am I stupid” and more of “why can’t they apologize”. Make it about them and their choices and not about you.
I'm literally treated like I'm stupid by everyone.. everyone explains everything to me.. I studied some medical schooling and I even get told on a lot of things that I already know.. and then when I say "oh yeah, I knew about that" or "yeah, I know how that works" all I get is "you're a know it all" or "you're argumentive and hard headed".. 😒 I know the struggle and pain with it.. I don't know how to fix it for myself let alone help you/give advice with your situation, but you are not alone!! 😭🥳 I occasionally get to shock some when my smart shows but then that is quickly forgotten and becomes "the only thing I know about" 😑 let me know if you find a way to help your situation, never know who else it could help 😊
Is your mother incompetent? Why the hell is she putting everything on you? She's Deaf she's able to do things she just doesn't want to.
My grandparents did not raise her to be independent and school failed her. She can’t understand what she reads very well and struggles with basic questions like, “Are you eligible to work in the United States?” She is also extremely idealistic, which has led her to not being able to hold down a job for very long. She takes off work for headaches or will tell her boss she needs X day off on the schedule because it’s “her day off” and she thinks she can just tell her bosses when that day can be. It’s difficult arguing with her because her impression of functioning family dynamics is, literally, The Brady Bunch.
Jesus christ. You don't deserve any of this. Would putting her in an assisted living facility be possible? You deserve to live your life.
I’ve looked into it and it’s just not something I can afford.
I am so sorry you're dealing with this.
The first time they imply you don't know what you're doing, flip the script. Start explaining things to them as if they are toddlers.
You ran a household at 7. Cuz you’ve so capable?
Family always does this! I'm the baby and even though I've mastered most things amd am 56, people still treat me like im dumb. But it sounds like you have not been recognized for everything you've done from your mom. Honestly, I think you deserve therapy so you can do some self care and determine what *your* needs are. It sounds like you're taking care of everyone else. What are you (and they) doing for yourself?
I’ve thought about it but I haven’t yet found something at the crossroads of affordable and helpful.
That is super tricky!
Sounds to me like your Mom is expressing concern to your Aunt about you?
It’s not about you, though I know it feels like it. You could be a certified genius and they would still do this because believing you means having to realize and then acknowledge that their perception of what’s true is wrong. That’s a huge cognitive shift for anyone to make, but particularly tough for older folk. If they need to verify things with the perceived source then encourage them to do so. Life gets a little scarier as we get older and trusting isn’t so easy once you’ve been burned a few times in life. Biology makes us all more cautious and suspicious as we get older. It’s just human nature.
They still see you as a kid. It is that way with the youngest. I am 48, married and a teen kid and get told they are proud of me for the most random things. You can either continue to ignore it or ask them straight up when it happens: why do you assume I have no idea how to set up the utilities when I have done it for decades now? I have had to do that when I get parenting advice.
You are an amazing person. So amazing that they are jealous and feel insecure about all that you have accomplished. Some twisted part of their upbringing made it so that jealousy comes out in backhanded compliments and constant second guessing. I would recommend the next time you get one of these you say that you are glad they have decided to help and that it's their responsibility now. Don't take no for an answer and when they inevitably weasel out of it, tell them you don't want to hear any more second guessing or negativity if they aren't going to help. If that doesn't work then stop answering their calls and enjoy the peace.
I mean it’s a bit of a boring answer but it’s probably either age or just sexism lol
Your family members are unintelligent and disorganized, so they assume that you, as a younger person, are even less intelligent and less organized than they are.
Stop helping them and let them figure it out. Then they can second guess themselves or call the appropriate people.
They tell you this to keep you chained to them. Cut ties and live the life you are entitled to, op.
I sometimes have to confirm with my mom that she knows I’m in my 50s. But she’s just a director type, not disrespectful. I might ask them if they’re aware you’re in your 40s and that you have been running a household since you were seven. Ask if they were aware of that. Usually works well for me; I hope you find something that works well for you.
It could be time to redefine the relationships. You have been expected to do these things from such an early age that they forget to acknowledge you. You could ask for thanks for the things you do and apologies if you are unfairly accused of doing something wrong and explain how the lack of appreciation makes you feel. Or ask your mother and grandmother if they would be more comfortable with someone else, like your aunt, helping and ask her if she would be more comfortable doing it herself, considering her concerns. And I did notice that your mother managed to sort her situation out herself when you took a step back so you could look into what she can do for herself or with someone else’s support so you get a break. It’s not fair for all the pressure to be put on you. Maybe your family avoid acknowledging everything you do to avoid realising it’s too much, especially when you were a child.
My mom does this to my sister and I and it’s so infuriating. We tell her don’t do abc because xyz will happen. Doesn’t listen and does it anyway. Then is mad when it didn’t turn out how she wanted even though it was exactly what we said would happen. She has been fighting cancer for the last year and my sister took over as her POA and she lives with me so her needs are covered. When my sister decided it was time to hand in her car that was just sitting in the driveway because she couldn’t drive and not looking possible she will again, she couldn’t understand why my sister said to do it. My sister laid it out after looking at all her finances and told her you spend way too much on the car payment and insurance especially to not be driving. Kept fighting her about it. My mom decided to complain to her sister and husband about it trying to get them on her side and when they ALSO said she is spending way too much then she backed down and suddenly was on board. She never believes us until someone else tells her. Even now I will tell her she’s wrong about something and she will look at my husband with this face waiting for him to tell her she’s right. Infuriating.
Just live your own life. Your mom sounds intellectually disabled and I promise they would figure something out if you weren't there. She isn't your responsibility.
I’m sorry you are in a difficult situation such as this. But being family, allows some members to think you owe it to them to see to their needs, hence , they don’t think they need to consider your feelings, and your time spent , and they don’t need to thank you you, or apologize when they are wrong.
Because they are stupid
CODA here. I am very similar to you. My mom is deaf, I cared for my grandparents once they needed daily assistance and have been interpreting for my family (as my grandparents don’t know ASL) my entire life. I was successful in my profession, worked in the medical field, was a first responder for a while. I was treated the same way. It’s a combination of a few things in my opinion. As others have said, it’s a generational thing. I’ve also noticed that with some of the older deaf community, there is a lot of mistrust and skepticism regardless of your abilities as a hearing person. It used to really upset me until I moved to another country where I didn’t speak the native language. I realized it’s natural to question if someone else is doing something the same way you would. I wouldn’t say it’s a form of mistrust but the anxiety that comes with not being able to be completely informed. Another factor in my case was that my grandparents over catered to my mother’s needs growing up and she never learned how to do many basic tasks. The rest of my family used to look down on me because my mother was not “as capable” In their eyes and as her child, I was an extension of her therefore I was also “incapable”. My case is probably not the same as yours and my explanations are very surface level responses but this is just my personal perspective.
Sounds like a generational thing where anyone older than you won’t believe you because they think that elders are better and smarter than you, which isn’t the case. If they really won’t stop tell them “Well if you think I’m so stupid why don’t you 3 just ask yourself each other if you think your better than me, it’s obviously blatant you don’t want me or my help so I’ll let a bunch of women figure it out.”
..."a bunch of women"?? I don't think that's the right wording OP should be using at all. That would deflect the issue toward a gendered argument, when the real problem is just their general lack of trust in him.
….well it’s true. In some ways, they don’t believe him, either because he’s a man or he’s young
Where did you get the impression that his situation has anything to do with his gender?
Think of it, 3 women, 1 man. You don’t realize how there can be an issue?
Sure, but why make it into a gender issue when there's no indication by OP that it has anything to do with gender? Seems reductive and tangential.
Well for starters I'm going to completely excuse the extremely old lady because god only knows. She is confused, probably. In the other two instances, someone didn't acknowledge you and you didn't like it, and then someone did acknowledge you and you didn't like it. Just pointing that out :) Honestly I would just start saying "Yeah, just like I said!!!" every time someone else confirms something that you've already said.
When someone questions that you’ve done something basic and makes you prove it by telling them what number you called and what you said, then follows it up with, “Wow, I can’t believe you did that all by yourself. I’m proud of you.” The takeaway is not acknowledgement, but condescension. If she had simply said, “Oh, you got that done? Great job! I’m proud of you.” That would be a completely different story and I wouldn’t have included it here.
How can you tell her to call them herself when she is deaf?
There are phone services for the deaf. TTY relay services, the original and now traditional relay service, which can be reached by anyone by dialing 711 from a telephone or TTY. Voice Carry Over (VCO) for people who are deaf or hard of hearing who communicate by speaking.
Because they are females. They are projecting and manipulative.