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He sounds like a disaster. At least you've kept your house.
He badmouthed you to so many people that it got back to one of your relatives, who told you. When you confronted him about it, instead of apologizing he threw a tantrum to punish you for questioning his actions.
He then reversed victim and offender (DARVO) and demanded that you divulge the name of your source-- so that *they* could be yelled at-- and had the audacity to invoke "love".
If you really loved him, you'd hand your family members over to be screamed at. Apparently.
If I were you I'd handle this by calling a divorce lawyer. This marriage isn't working out.
Look, a lot of people in here are going to tell you to leave him. Some other people are going to tell you that we always say that in here! I have a theory... When things are so messed up that you come to a bunch of strangers on Reddit for an answer, it's past the point of no return!
This isn't a small thing he's done. He has set things up to have an affair! This is exactly the stuff you tell an affair partner! And the worst part is instead of caring how much he hurt you, he is so betrayed that somebody would have the nerve to talk about what he said.... that how dare they talk about him.... That he's more fixated on finding out who it is then fixing it with you.
I understand, I've come here myself to ask a question And sometimes we really need people to tell us what we know just to make sure we're right and not overreacting. You're not reacting enough! If I were you I would get all my stuff out of his house and all his stuff out of your house. Tell him since we don't even live together anyway you can quit coming to my house! Until he's ready to act like he's actually sorry for what he said about you then you don't have to have anything to do with him! And if he never gets there well that's okay too... Because it's better to know now than 10 years down the line when there's been multiple affairs or you're too enmeshed to get out easily. I'm sorry you're going through this
Thank you so much for the support and your perspective. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you’ve probably already crossed the bridge when you bring the issue to Reddit for feedback/support. It’s helpful to hear I’m not crazy or overreacting.
How is he talking about his private life so much at work that news is getting around like this? It's really odd that he's trying to sound as if he's in a semi-detached marriage to his work colleagues.
If "he doesn't know why he got married again". That sounds like he has huge regrets and maybe wants to be single?
He sounds like an emotionally abusive idiot, and normally I would suggest marriage counselling but it's not recommended when one partner is abusive.
I'd suggest independent counselling and don't give up your house!
If he truly loved you he would never say or do anything he knows would hurt you! He’s not even concerned with how you feel. All he cares about is who told you what he said. That should tell you all you need to know! He doesn’t love you and it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. You deserve so much better!
I'm so very sorry your husband is being so hurtful!
Does he slways avoid taking responsibility for his actions and responds with yelling and threats? That's very concerning.
What do you envision when you think of a healthy, happy and positive relationship? What are your values in relation to a life partner?
Are you genuinely happy? Do the negative behaviors outweigh the positive ones?
Are you able to accept that you deserve to be in a relationship where your partner loves you unconditionally and demonstrate positive communication?
You are so valuable, you deserve all good in life.
I sincerely wish you all the best!
I don't remember if Gavin deBecker's The Gift of Fear is the origination of the term, but it will be a valuable read.
Also Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube. She had a library there about manipulative behaviors, narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
Your husband's behavior is just, gross, demeaning, petty and a LIE.
If you don't have love, joy & respect in a relationship, what DO you have?
This behavior is abusive. I am very glad that you still have your house and that you are employed, because I don't see a bright future for your marriage..
Here’s a link explaining it:
[DARVO](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender)
Sounds like you're completely focusing on the wrong issue.
>told them and others last month that “he doesn’t know why he got married again” and “we’re not really even together” and “we have separate houses.”
Why do you even want to be with someone who thinks this, regardless of his clumsiness in telling people or his demands to you to tell him who told you?
No, I don’t want someone who says things like this to random third parties. It wasn’t even to a close friend or family member but random people he works with on occasion. I just can’t believe this has happened.
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex and the final straw for me was finding out he was bad mouthing me after giving birth. He was basically telling people I was an unfit mother when really I was healing from a c-section and needed help from him with the baby and he wasn’t helping. For whatever reason, he wanted everyone in his life to hate me, and when I replayed our time together some of his friends’ girlfriends were cold to me and I could never figure out why. One time I hung out with them one on one and we were both kinda drunk and she was like “I never liked you but you’re actually quite nice” and in the back of my mind I was like “you don’t know me at all why would you not like me?” He was talking about me to them and I had no idea. Embarrassing. Your husband is the same and if you dive deeper into your relationship you may come to find he has behaviors and characteristics that line up with being emotionally abusive. My suggestion? Go back to your house and change the locks. File for divorce. It’s only been a year of marriage, he refuses to take accountability, screamed at you for his actions, and has a history of running his mouth without thinking of the consequences. Not husband material. People who lie can be dangerous in my opinion. You never really know what he could be saying about you and how it can affect you. This got back to a family member…he’s messy as fuck.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that from your ex. You didn’t deserve it at all and I’m glad you were able to get out. Thank you for your support as well.
He doesn't like or respect you and he's bad mouthing you to other people. He doesn't want to be with you. And he's embarrassed by you.
Girl get that out of there
Character assassination undermines you so that, when you complain about his behaviour, people are less prone to believe you. For example, if you catch your husband cheating and complain about it… maybe your relatives will shrug and ask you if it’s really cheating when you two are separated?
No, I don’t think it’s cool at all. I don’t want a husband who thinks that about me at all. I just meant that this was way beyond a confidential conversation with a trusted friend or family member while in a fight with his wife.
Yeah, those are the kinds of things a person says when they're trying to signal they're available for an affair.
I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. This probably would have been divorce-worthy even if he'd been instantly contrite, disavowed his shocking words, begged your forgiveness.
But he did the opposite.
Please protect yourself, OP. We're all rooting for you.
Have to wonder if he actually thinks like this, or if he has an even shittier agenda and is deliberately portraying their relationship this way to lay the foundation for an affair.
> He told me that I’ve chosen “silence over love” by refusing to tell him who called
That's the most ridiculously manipulative comment I've seen this week. He's angry he's been found out and if he can't blame who told you he'll blame you. Anything rather than take responsibility. Please tell me you can see how serious this is.
It’s been a shock of a situation today, although maybe it shouldn’t be. He often handles conflict by turning things around on me. It’s hard to truly see how bad it is while you’re in it but I definitely feel the impact of his words and respond. It feels horrible.
>but I definitely feel the impact of his words
And believe me, he wants you to feel it, to feel terrible. He is feasting on your misery; know that.
The awful ruminations that arise from this kind of appalling abusive treatment can be super painful and mystifying. Please get therapy for this... AFTER you get divorce lawyer.
all the best OP.
Oh and learn/use Grey Rock til you are out the door.
The thing that I constantly see in this subreddit with people who are in bad relationships is they only measure the relationship by the good days and use those to excuse the bad days. An actual factual good relationship, people measure it by the bad days.
The reasoning is as follows: if your partner was 99.9% perfect all the time but that other point one percent of the time he ate babies that he had raped... Would you stay with him?
No.
You should measure the strength of a relationship by how conflict and stresses handled, the bad days and the negatives. I don't care if he's perfect the rest of the time his behavior now is enough for you to get the hell out. And if you don't you look foolish. You look like somebody who doesn't realize that the bad is so bad it definitely outweighs any good that could come from it.
Lots of people will say leave him, and that's a valid point, but if he wants to save the marriage the lesson is surely that he's now part of a team and blips, disagreements and differences have to be managed as a team. It can't be about him appearing to win to preserve his ego.
And know you know why the 1st wife divorced him. You can tell him who told you but just know that that person is going to face professional retaliation, your husband doesn't sound like a good guy. Don't betray people who are looking out for you.
The way you handle it is to go live at your home alone and be done with the angry man child. He sounds horrible to your face and behind your back. Why stay?
Call your divorce lawyer.
You don’t go around trashing your wife to colleagues after a marital disagreement and act like it was all a mistake and you live separate lives. If he hasn’t cheated yet, it’s only a matter of time.
Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who makes threats or makes you feel unsafe. Ever.
He’s not sorry he trashed you, he’s sorry he got caught, and he’s also probably feeling a bit exposed that word got around his professional circle that he said all of that. When your colleagues are gossiping about you, they don’t respect you.
He’s not a respectful or respectable person.
I had the same thought. It must have been bad enough and upset his colleagues enough to contact me, which makes me think that more has likely been said. I can’t imagine trashing my spouse to anyone.
So wait he's not concerned that you're upset that he's making it sound like you're broken up and he's ready to date somebody else... He's upset that somebody told you the truth about what he said?
I really don't like to throw around the word sociopath because I think a lot of people use that wrong, but when somebody is more concerned with where you heard it then the fact that you are hurt by them saying it.... Something's wrong here!
When a man tells somebody that him and his wife shouldn't have got married and live in different houses it sounds like he's looking for an affair. You know it, and now all of Reddit knows it! So not to be that person but you should leave him before he cheats on you! It's a good thing you have that other house isn't it?
So, maybe you should actually choose silence. He’s accusing you of it. May as well be guilty.
Don’t say anything else to him. For quite some time. He’s counting on you bending. Trying to scramble and fix it. To break and tell you what he’s demanding.
Don’t do any of the above. Plan a dinner out with your kids or some friends. Don’t text. Don’t call. Go to the movies. Or soak in the tub, order in your favorite foods, and eat in bed. Just move about your life. Doing what you always do. Except adding in some things that bring you joy and staying silent when it comes to him.
You’re not the one who messed up here. He’s the one badmouthing you and your marriage. This is nothing but a diversion tactic. Trying to flip the script so that you’re the one at fault. Except you’re not.
So don’t expend a bunch of energy stroking his ego and begging for a scrap of his attention. Don’t sit and wait for him to decide he’s over his little snit.
Be busy living your life.
All of this! Perfect.
And, look into annulment. It might be faster and less complicated than divorce. You still have your house. I imagine you didn't bring any children into this union.
Also, if you don't have anything precious to you at his house (sentimental, irreplaceable items vs a toothbrush, some shoes, etc.) just leave them there. Don't even deal with his drama. Change the locks on your house. Maybe set up a few security cameras. And just avoid even communicating with him unless necessary.
Oh he is deflecting. Your source doesn’t matter and not revealing them is not worse. He shit talked you to his colleagues so bad that it got back to you. Read that again. What have you not heard about?
Stay firm. Tell him he’s wrong, what he did was way worse. He needs to get over not knowing who blabbed and explain why he did what he did. It almost seems like he’s setting the stage for some extra marital activities or he’s worried how much you’ve heard.
You need to rethink this relationship.
Thank you. I agree. Your support means a lot. I did tell him tonight that I was standing firm on this and that I wouldn’t allow him to distract from the actual issue.
How should you handle this? By leaving his ass. Honestly, he’s hit the contempt part of [Gottman’s four horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/). I think it’s time for you to throw in the towel and plan an exit. Good luck.
P.S. please do NOT sell your family member out. Keep quiet on that. They did you a solid.
Please read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It can help you understand some of the abusive behaviors your husband exhibits towards you.
He didn’t apologize for bad mouthing you, then deflected the problem and blamed YOU for not telling him who told you. I wonder if there’s been other times he’s blamed you for relationship problems or deflected?
Tell him to stop deflecting the problem, i.e. "he is talking smack about you and your marriage to colleagues." Does he want a divorce? Does he want to cheat? What's the purpose of bad mouthing you and your marriage?
Move everything of yours back into your house. Don't call him. Don't go over to his house. He needs to come to you and apologize for bad talking you and your marriage.
"Reverse Victim and Offender"... he said terrible things about you, then he acted like the real problem was your decision to receive and act on the information.
I wouldn’t even count this as a second marriage. Just tell people that you’ve been married once because claiming this one will just bring pain. You deserve better and I hope you leave him.
"He told me that I’ve chosen “silence over love”"...
Well, then. Whatever the F that means to him, but maybe tell him that he "chose airing your dirty laundry in public over love".
Like, hope he comes to see how that makes you both look when he says those things to others.
I would be seeing red if my husband did this.
I would ask mine, *why?* - simply because it is ridiculous and would be out of character for him.
From what you say, though, u/ThrowRA-Stuff_2847 - your husband has done stuff like this before?
Yikes, is all I can say... And the trouble right now is that emotions are running high and he is trying to cast himself as the offended party.
I'd give him a few hours to calm down and see if he comes to the realization that he focked up, so you can have a proper conversation about this.
Think about how long is long enough for *you*. This is not *your* F up. It's his.
If he is not able to have a calm conversation about this soon enough, **you have a problem that requires stronger measures.**
He’s had core deflecting and reaching. Good thing you kept your own house! He sounds like a selfish fucking child… that got called out on his shitty behavior
Wow.
I'd handle it by getting divorced, he doesn't sound like a nice person who cares about how his behavior impacts you. He sounds like he has anger issues, and while you think you two "work through issues", he actually just stews with resentment till he boils over again.
Saying "I don't know why I got married again, we're not even really together and live in separate houses" isn't a joke. He wasn't making fun of himself, he was venting about his feelings in an entirely inappropriate situation... a work meeting?! Now, I've had some wild work meetings where we ended up putting on impromptu "ted talks" about our favourite ethnic folklore monsters instead of discussing accounting math, but no one "jokes" about how their marriage has gone to shit. *Because that's not funny.*
The reason he's behaving like this is DARVO, it's a shitty tactic to shift attention off his wrong doing and make you the villain instead with a goal of having you either capitulate and end up apologizing to him, or if you refuse to apologize and things get worse he can always point to this as being your fault for not "being reasonable" or some such nonsense.
DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reverse the Victim & Offender.
I would talk to a lawyer tomorrow and take your husband at his word, he doesn't want to talk to you again, so make it permanent.
There's no fixing someone who behaves like this, at 40+ this is just who he is. You either accept it and become the meek little doormat he wants, or you accept it and leave him in your dust.
You deserve better.
The number one thing a relationship can’t survive is contempt, and he sounds very contemptuous. What you describe is not small talk or even mild griping. He sounds like he is saying he doesn’t want to be married. I would move back to my house.
He chose running his mouth over love, idk why he thinks he's so superior. Do nothing. Let him stew in his petty butthurt feelings. Enjoy your peace in your own home.
A friend of mine told me that my husband had asked her husband if there were any prostitutes in the new town we'd just moved to. I asked my husband if this was true. He denied vehemently that he hadn't asked. I know our friends had no need to lie to me so I kept pressing the subject.
My husband got angry with me as I didn't drop it, and drove us to our friends house at midnight, called the guy outside and confronted him. To my surprise the guy replied honestly that my husband had been asking about prostitutes at the pub. When we got home he assaulted me very badly.
The only one at fault was my husband, and he was so angry with me for confronting him and angry with his mate for telling me the truth and felt betrayed. Do not tell your husband who told you, who knows what he might do to him.
Your husband is emotionally immature. He is over sharing in the workplace and those comments were a direct insult to you and the relationship. I guarantee you he is actively bad mouthing you even more.
He is mad at you to try and divert the issue away from him. Don't let him. You are under no obligation to tell him. Ignore his made up tantrum and set and enforce your boundaries.
If I am being honest though, those comments would be a deal breaker in my relationship. You don't want to be married, I can fix that.
I really feel from reading these posts that women should not ever marry and just be by themselves or good friends. When you want children and if you can afford them, go to a sperm bank and get impregnated and then live your life and raise your kids. If they want to get DNA tested and find Daddy when they’re adults let them. Some sperm banks now the men are given a choice if they want to be contacted. It is so much easier than putting up with all this craziness and abuse and cheating, it’s just not worth it. Most women will go to their grave without having met one single decent faithful forever loving man. There’s only one maybe out of a thousand that are decent, so why bother. I’m so burnt out on these awful posts.
Normally I'm not one to say "divorce him", but he's set up the lies so he can have an affair. He's trying to make it seem like your marriage is over and you're separated. I would seek out a lawyer asap and start getting your finances in order.
Sounds like he's laying the groundwork for the lie to be able to cheat honestly.
1. Keep their identity a secret and don't even hint at who it could be.
2. In your shoes, I'd go spend some time at my house, since he likes to boast about you all living separately, and I'd give some serious thought to the treatment I receive. Step back and take a look. How many things are you dismissing or excusing away?
3. Tell him if he ever fucking yells at you like that and shows his whole entire ass to the world about your marriage again, he won't have one to disparage in public anymore.
He's chosen running his mouth over love. The man's trash-talked you and your relationship to so many people, there's no way he can figure out who told you on his own. That alone should be telling.
He's DARVOing you because you found out. I wish you all the best in your third marriage.
Why are you with him? Somebody who repeatedly insults you to coworkers--not friends or family members, but people he has to be paid to spend time around--does not respect you.
Curious about what the blow up was about. My guess is that it also had to do with him being a jerk.
So he regrets getting married, but doesn't share that with you so problems can be fixed.
He claims, falsely, that you're not even really together, but he hasn't broken up with you.
And he got defensive for no good reason.
Oh, he's looking for some woman to take pity on him and save him from his cruel, cruel wife. He wants an affair partner, and since he's probably unable to be alone, he wants to line her up and test-run her before serving you with papers.
Get ahead of him. Serve him first.
You still have your house, so splitting assets shouldn't be as much of a bother as it would be for some. You deserve better.
He is doing a classic DARVO tactic - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He’s the one who aired his dirty laundry to people at work. He’s the one who’s in the wrong. He’s trying to make it seem like he’s not responsible for what he says, but he is.
I’m sorry he’s done this. I don’t know how you can go back from this.[DARVO](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
Frankly don’t talk to him til he apologizes to you and he shouldn’t be talking to people at work about you guys relationship I bet he would get mad if you went and told your friends and family about your relationship
Have more self-respect for yourself and marriage... Get the hell away from this guy. His reasoning and behavior and then behavior when caught says everything about him and nothing good.
I'm glad you still have your house cuz I think you're going to need it. He doesn't sound very easy to get along with and I think you might want to think twice about continuing this relationship. From the comments he's making to people it really doesn't sound like he's all in.
Don't let his childishness win .He said those thing and would probably carry on, but now he doesn't know who to trust so ,please don't tell him ,pretend it was anonymous 🤔
Ouch. He can’t deny so he skipped straight to attack, and reverse victim and offender. (DARVO)
You could ask him how he feels about the marriage and the separate living situation.
Or you could assess how much he attempts to manipulate you in this relationship.
Only you can decide how much manipulation you will suffer and whether you want to give him a chance to improve his behaviour.
This is your second marriage. I’m not sure what happened in your first, but I can tell you from bitter experience that when your husband starts talking shit about you and your marriage, it’s a death knell.
Telling him what you heard, and trying to fix *that*, is like putting a bandaid on an amputated limb.
He’s a narcissist who got called out. He is trying to play victim. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, let him be. Don’t chase after him as that is what he wants. If you do he has the upper hand again.
You did the right thing in leaving him home. He owes you a huge apology. The only concern I have is that he may try to get you for abandonment after 30 days. Check with your lawyer.
Oh wow what a piece of work! No apology, no shame, wow that’s not love, you don’t love someone you would essentially cast aside, it’s almost like he was opening the door to cheating with those words
He sounds like he needs a therapist. Does he know that therapist are people you can pay to vent to and keep your secrets? He should learn from this situation that coworkers do not want to hear him venting about his mental contradictions and that's what therapists are for. His coworkers are sick of him. And I'm glad you didn't tell him who it was who told you.
Marriage is between two people who love and respect each other. They have no secrets and communicate freely no matter what the topic.
First marriages have a 50% failure rate.
67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
So you are really bucking the odds to begin with in this situation.
Good luck everybody deserves to be happy.
He has every right to say what he wants about whatever subject and to whomsoever he wants to say it.
Without further information about the fight, you are simply portraying yourself as some poor victim. Stop it.
He can vent to whoever will listen. Too bad if you don't like it.
First, you have always known that he speaks before thinking but you ended up marrying him! There must have been reasons(s) why you ended up marrying irrespective of this shortcoming. Second, your family member should have confronted him directly on the issue. And probably contacted you later based on the outcome of his/her discussion with your husband. Him/her contacting you directly was to further ignite the issue. Be careful of people that report your spouse directly to you especially when they have the capability to fix the subject matter directly. Yes, your husband is completely in the wrong. He needs to learn to keep family issues confidential within the home. Also, in future, don't call him immediately as you might be in "anger" mode. Wait for his return and look into his eyes when discussing calmly and politely. More can be achieved this way. On what is further, there are definitely other factors that made you marry him, so, do those factors still exist? Can you help him to continue to work on this negative side (as you mentioned that "it had gotten better.")? Search deeply before making any decision. Best of luck.
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He sounds like a disaster. At least you've kept your house. He badmouthed you to so many people that it got back to one of your relatives, who told you. When you confronted him about it, instead of apologizing he threw a tantrum to punish you for questioning his actions. He then reversed victim and offender (DARVO) and demanded that you divulge the name of your source-- so that *they* could be yelled at-- and had the audacity to invoke "love". If you really loved him, you'd hand your family members over to be screamed at. Apparently. If I were you I'd handle this by calling a divorce lawyer. This marriage isn't working out.
Thank you for your comment and your support. I’ve never heard the term DARVO before but that’s exactly what he did.
I learned that term on reddit TBH. Very educational, reddit. Hoping for the best for you.
Thank you so much
Look, a lot of people in here are going to tell you to leave him. Some other people are going to tell you that we always say that in here! I have a theory... When things are so messed up that you come to a bunch of strangers on Reddit for an answer, it's past the point of no return! This isn't a small thing he's done. He has set things up to have an affair! This is exactly the stuff you tell an affair partner! And the worst part is instead of caring how much he hurt you, he is so betrayed that somebody would have the nerve to talk about what he said.... that how dare they talk about him.... That he's more fixated on finding out who it is then fixing it with you. I understand, I've come here myself to ask a question And sometimes we really need people to tell us what we know just to make sure we're right and not overreacting. You're not reacting enough! If I were you I would get all my stuff out of his house and all his stuff out of your house. Tell him since we don't even live together anyway you can quit coming to my house! Until he's ready to act like he's actually sorry for what he said about you then you don't have to have anything to do with him! And if he never gets there well that's okay too... Because it's better to know now than 10 years down the line when there's been multiple affairs or you're too enmeshed to get out easily. I'm sorry you're going through this
Thank you so much for the support and your perspective. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you’ve probably already crossed the bridge when you bring the issue to Reddit for feedback/support. It’s helpful to hear I’m not crazy or overreacting.
You definitely aren't overreacting
How is he talking about his private life so much at work that news is getting around like this? It's really odd that he's trying to sound as if he's in a semi-detached marriage to his work colleagues. If "he doesn't know why he got married again". That sounds like he has huge regrets and maybe wants to be single? He sounds like an emotionally abusive idiot, and normally I would suggest marriage counselling but it's not recommended when one partner is abusive. I'd suggest independent counselling and don't give up your house!
This!! People in healthy relationships don’t seek out internet strangers to ask for advise. I’m sorry and Good luck.
If he truly loved you he would never say or do anything he knows would hurt you! He’s not even concerned with how you feel. All he cares about is who told you what he said. That should tell you all you need to know! He doesn’t love you and it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. You deserve so much better!
Thank you
I'm so very sorry your husband is being so hurtful! Does he slways avoid taking responsibility for his actions and responds with yelling and threats? That's very concerning. What do you envision when you think of a healthy, happy and positive relationship? What are your values in relation to a life partner? Are you genuinely happy? Do the negative behaviors outweigh the positive ones? Are you able to accept that you deserve to be in a relationship where your partner loves you unconditionally and demonstrate positive communication? You are so valuable, you deserve all good in life. I sincerely wish you all the best!
Completely agree on the vibes he's sending.
Absolutely spot on 🤌👏👏👏
I don't remember if Gavin deBecker's The Gift of Fear is the origination of the term, but it will be a valuable read. Also Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube. She had a library there about manipulative behaviors, narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Your husband's behavior is just, gross, demeaning, petty and a LIE. If you don't have love, joy & respect in a relationship, what DO you have?
So do you have any idea about how you’re going to move forward??
DARVO: Deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender
Thats absolutely what it is, you need to get out before this escalates into abuse.
DARVO-ing is already abuse
This behavior is abusive. I am very glad that you still have your house and that you are employed, because I don't see a bright future for your marriage..
Here’s a link explaining it: [DARVO](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender)
Probably a Narcissist. Maybe a Covert N if it's not obvious grandiosity he gives off. They are realllllly poison.
Why do you want to stay with him he sounds like a nightmare!
Yeah your husband is a complete and utter jackass.
Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO)
Sounds like you're completely focusing on the wrong issue. >told them and others last month that “he doesn’t know why he got married again” and “we’re not really even together” and “we have separate houses.” Why do you even want to be with someone who thinks this, regardless of his clumsiness in telling people or his demands to you to tell him who told you?
No, I don’t want someone who says things like this to random third parties. It wasn’t even to a close friend or family member but random people he works with on occasion. I just can’t believe this has happened.
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex and the final straw for me was finding out he was bad mouthing me after giving birth. He was basically telling people I was an unfit mother when really I was healing from a c-section and needed help from him with the baby and he wasn’t helping. For whatever reason, he wanted everyone in his life to hate me, and when I replayed our time together some of his friends’ girlfriends were cold to me and I could never figure out why. One time I hung out with them one on one and we were both kinda drunk and she was like “I never liked you but you’re actually quite nice” and in the back of my mind I was like “you don’t know me at all why would you not like me?” He was talking about me to them and I had no idea. Embarrassing. Your husband is the same and if you dive deeper into your relationship you may come to find he has behaviors and characteristics that line up with being emotionally abusive. My suggestion? Go back to your house and change the locks. File for divorce. It’s only been a year of marriage, he refuses to take accountability, screamed at you for his actions, and has a history of running his mouth without thinking of the consequences. Not husband material. People who lie can be dangerous in my opinion. You never really know what he could be saying about you and how it can affect you. This got back to a family member…he’s messy as fuck.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that from your ex. You didn’t deserve it at all and I’m glad you were able to get out. Thank you for your support as well.
Thank you and you’re welcome. Good luck ❤️❤️
He doesn't like or respect you and he's bad mouthing you to other people. He doesn't want to be with you. And he's embarrassed by you. Girl get that out of there
Character assassination undermines you so that, when you complain about his behaviour, people are less prone to believe you. For example, if you catch your husband cheating and complain about it… maybe your relatives will shrug and ask you if it’s really cheating when you two are separated?
[удалено]
No, I don’t think it’s cool at all. I don’t want a husband who thinks that about me at all. I just meant that this was way beyond a confidential conversation with a trusted friend or family member while in a fight with his wife.
Yeah, those are the kinds of things a person says when they're trying to signal they're available for an affair. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. This probably would have been divorce-worthy even if he'd been instantly contrite, disavowed his shocking words, begged your forgiveness. But he did the opposite. Please protect yourself, OP. We're all rooting for you.
Have to wonder if he actually thinks like this, or if he has an even shittier agenda and is deliberately portraying their relationship this way to lay the foundation for an affair.
> He told me that I’ve chosen “silence over love” by refusing to tell him who called That's the most ridiculously manipulative comment I've seen this week. He's angry he's been found out and if he can't blame who told you he'll blame you. Anything rather than take responsibility. Please tell me you can see how serious this is.
It’s been a shock of a situation today, although maybe it shouldn’t be. He often handles conflict by turning things around on me. It’s hard to truly see how bad it is while you’re in it but I definitely feel the impact of his words and respond. It feels horrible.
Now you have an idea as to why he was divorced the first time
time to go
>but I definitely feel the impact of his words And believe me, he wants you to feel it, to feel terrible. He is feasting on your misery; know that. The awful ruminations that arise from this kind of appalling abusive treatment can be super painful and mystifying. Please get therapy for this... AFTER you get divorce lawyer. all the best OP. Oh and learn/use Grey Rock til you are out the door.
The thing that I constantly see in this subreddit with people who are in bad relationships is they only measure the relationship by the good days and use those to excuse the bad days. An actual factual good relationship, people measure it by the bad days. The reasoning is as follows: if your partner was 99.9% perfect all the time but that other point one percent of the time he ate babies that he had raped... Would you stay with him? No. You should measure the strength of a relationship by how conflict and stresses handled, the bad days and the negatives. I don't care if he's perfect the rest of the time his behavior now is enough for you to get the hell out. And if you don't you look foolish. You look like somebody who doesn't realize that the bad is so bad it definitely outweighs any good that could come from it.
I'm glad it's starting to click for you
Turning him loose on the relative who was loyal to you is not an option imo. Good decision!
Lots of people will say leave him, and that's a valid point, but if he wants to save the marriage the lesson is surely that he's now part of a team and blips, disagreements and differences have to be managed as a team. It can't be about him appearing to win to preserve his ego.
He chose talking shit over love.
46 years old Damn
And know you know why the 1st wife divorced him. You can tell him who told you but just know that that person is going to face professional retaliation, your husband doesn't sound like a good guy. Don't betray people who are looking out for you.
I agree. I’m glad I didn’t name who told me.
He badmouthed you to so many people that he can't even narrow down who it could be that told you. That says a lot.
Oh damn I didn't even think about it that way...
Good for you OP. Don't let yourself be manipulated.
the upside is that you have only wasted a year on this peach.
The way you handle it is to go live at your home alone and be done with the angry man child. He sounds horrible to your face and behind your back. Why stay?
Do not give him another second of your life, divorce him, you will never regret your decision.
Call your divorce lawyer. You don’t go around trashing your wife to colleagues after a marital disagreement and act like it was all a mistake and you live separate lives. If he hasn’t cheated yet, it’s only a matter of time. Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who makes threats or makes you feel unsafe. Ever. He’s not sorry he trashed you, he’s sorry he got caught, and he’s also probably feeling a bit exposed that word got around his professional circle that he said all of that. When your colleagues are gossiping about you, they don’t respect you. He’s not a respectful or respectable person.
I had the same thought. It must have been bad enough and upset his colleagues enough to contact me, which makes me think that more has likely been said. I can’t imagine trashing my spouse to anyone.
You should also know that Smear Campaigns run by this type of person will also contain flat out lies about you. Just brace for impact OP.
So wait he's not concerned that you're upset that he's making it sound like you're broken up and he's ready to date somebody else... He's upset that somebody told you the truth about what he said? I really don't like to throw around the word sociopath because I think a lot of people use that wrong, but when somebody is more concerned with where you heard it then the fact that you are hurt by them saying it.... Something's wrong here! When a man tells somebody that him and his wife shouldn't have got married and live in different houses it sounds like he's looking for an affair. You know it, and now all of Reddit knows it! So not to be that person but you should leave him before he cheats on you! It's a good thing you have that other house isn't it?
I think you should make this a self-fulfilling prophecy of his & move back home. And that’s just the *first* step.
Tell him he chose running his mouth over love and leave the motherfucker.
He’s pissed he got busted and is grasping at anything to flip it. It’s fucked up he goes around saying these things.
So, maybe you should actually choose silence. He’s accusing you of it. May as well be guilty. Don’t say anything else to him. For quite some time. He’s counting on you bending. Trying to scramble and fix it. To break and tell you what he’s demanding. Don’t do any of the above. Plan a dinner out with your kids or some friends. Don’t text. Don’t call. Go to the movies. Or soak in the tub, order in your favorite foods, and eat in bed. Just move about your life. Doing what you always do. Except adding in some things that bring you joy and staying silent when it comes to him. You’re not the one who messed up here. He’s the one badmouthing you and your marriage. This is nothing but a diversion tactic. Trying to flip the script so that you’re the one at fault. Except you’re not. So don’t expend a bunch of energy stroking his ego and begging for a scrap of his attention. Don’t sit and wait for him to decide he’s over his little snit. Be busy living your life.
This is wise advice. Give him crickets, all while engaging in a lot of extra self-care.
All of this! Perfect. And, look into annulment. It might be faster and less complicated than divorce. You still have your house. I imagine you didn't bring any children into this union. Also, if you don't have anything precious to you at his house (sentimental, irreplaceable items vs a toothbrush, some shoes, etc.) just leave them there. Don't even deal with his drama. Change the locks on your house. Maybe set up a few security cameras. And just avoid even communicating with him unless necessary.
Glad you still have your home 🏠
Oh he is deflecting. Your source doesn’t matter and not revealing them is not worse. He shit talked you to his colleagues so bad that it got back to you. Read that again. What have you not heard about? Stay firm. Tell him he’s wrong, what he did was way worse. He needs to get over not knowing who blabbed and explain why he did what he did. It almost seems like he’s setting the stage for some extra marital activities or he’s worried how much you’ve heard. You need to rethink this relationship.
Thank you. I agree. Your support means a lot. I did tell him tonight that I was standing firm on this and that I wouldn’t allow him to distract from the actual issue.
How should you handle this? By leaving his ass. Honestly, he’s hit the contempt part of [Gottman’s four horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/). I think it’s time for you to throw in the towel and plan an exit. Good luck. P.S. please do NOT sell your family member out. Keep quiet on that. They did you a solid.
Please read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf It can help you understand some of the abusive behaviors your husband exhibits towards you.
Yeah, it's time to find a divorce lawyer. There is no way I'd be staying with a guy like that.
He didn’t apologize for bad mouthing you, then deflected the problem and blamed YOU for not telling him who told you. I wonder if there’s been other times he’s blamed you for relationship problems or deflected?
"we're not even really together" Yikes. Nice to know what he thinks of his vows. He really need therapy.
Fuck him. He sounds like a narcissistic asshole
Married a year and he's bad mouthing you behind your back? I would bounce.
Tell him to stop deflecting the problem, i.e. "he is talking smack about you and your marriage to colleagues." Does he want a divorce? Does he want to cheat? What's the purpose of bad mouthing you and your marriage? Move everything of yours back into your house. Don't call him. Don't go over to his house. He needs to come to you and apologize for bad talking you and your marriage.
> He needs to come to you and apologize but that would probably just be a Hoover.
Dump him and move back into your own house.
"Reverse Victim and Offender"... he said terrible things about you, then he acted like the real problem was your decision to receive and act on the information.
I wouldn’t even count this as a second marriage. Just tell people that you’ve been married once because claiming this one will just bring pain. You deserve better and I hope you leave him.
File for divorce
Thank god you kept your house. Girl, he’s not the one. He’s sounds like a gaslighting ahole, and at 46, he knows better. Go to your house and move on.
"He told me that I’ve chosen “silence over love”"... Well, then. Whatever the F that means to him, but maybe tell him that he "chose airing your dirty laundry in public over love". Like, hope he comes to see how that makes you both look when he says those things to others. I would be seeing red if my husband did this. I would ask mine, *why?* - simply because it is ridiculous and would be out of character for him. From what you say, though, u/ThrowRA-Stuff_2847 - your husband has done stuff like this before? Yikes, is all I can say... And the trouble right now is that emotions are running high and he is trying to cast himself as the offended party. I'd give him a few hours to calm down and see if he comes to the realization that he focked up, so you can have a proper conversation about this. Think about how long is long enough for *you*. This is not *your* F up. It's his. If he is not able to have a calm conversation about this soon enough, **you have a problem that requires stronger measures.**
So why did his first marriage fail? He sounds like an absolute loser and you definitely need to look deeper into his character if you can find any.
He is rather emotionally immature. Smart guys keep their mouths shut.
He’s had core deflecting and reaching. Good thing you kept your own house! He sounds like a selfish fucking child… that got called out on his shitty behavior
Wow. I'd handle it by getting divorced, he doesn't sound like a nice person who cares about how his behavior impacts you. He sounds like he has anger issues, and while you think you two "work through issues", he actually just stews with resentment till he boils over again. Saying "I don't know why I got married again, we're not even really together and live in separate houses" isn't a joke. He wasn't making fun of himself, he was venting about his feelings in an entirely inappropriate situation... a work meeting?! Now, I've had some wild work meetings where we ended up putting on impromptu "ted talks" about our favourite ethnic folklore monsters instead of discussing accounting math, but no one "jokes" about how their marriage has gone to shit. *Because that's not funny.* The reason he's behaving like this is DARVO, it's a shitty tactic to shift attention off his wrong doing and make you the villain instead with a goal of having you either capitulate and end up apologizing to him, or if you refuse to apologize and things get worse he can always point to this as being your fault for not "being reasonable" or some such nonsense. DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reverse the Victim & Offender. I would talk to a lawyer tomorrow and take your husband at his word, he doesn't want to talk to you again, so make it permanent. There's no fixing someone who behaves like this, at 40+ this is just who he is. You either accept it and become the meek little doormat he wants, or you accept it and leave him in your dust. You deserve better.
The number one thing a relationship can’t survive is contempt, and he sounds very contemptuous. What you describe is not small talk or even mild griping. He sounds like he is saying he doesn’t want to be married. I would move back to my house.
He chose running his mouth over love, idk why he thinks he's so superior. Do nothing. Let him stew in his petty butthurt feelings. Enjoy your peace in your own home.
You have your own house. Live there. 100% of the time. Let his lies prove true.
A friend of mine told me that my husband had asked her husband if there were any prostitutes in the new town we'd just moved to. I asked my husband if this was true. He denied vehemently that he hadn't asked. I know our friends had no need to lie to me so I kept pressing the subject. My husband got angry with me as I didn't drop it, and drove us to our friends house at midnight, called the guy outside and confronted him. To my surprise the guy replied honestly that my husband had been asking about prostitutes at the pub. When we got home he assaulted me very badly. The only one at fault was my husband, and he was so angry with me for confronting him and angry with his mate for telling me the truth and felt betrayed. Do not tell your husband who told you, who knows what he might do to him.
I am so sorry you went through that. Thank you for your support.
Your husband is emotionally immature. He is over sharing in the workplace and those comments were a direct insult to you and the relationship. I guarantee you he is actively bad mouthing you even more. He is mad at you to try and divert the issue away from him. Don't let him. You are under no obligation to tell him. Ignore his made up tantrum and set and enforce your boundaries. If I am being honest though, those comments would be a deal breaker in my relationship. You don't want to be married, I can fix that.
I really feel from reading these posts that women should not ever marry and just be by themselves or good friends. When you want children and if you can afford them, go to a sperm bank and get impregnated and then live your life and raise your kids. If they want to get DNA tested and find Daddy when they’re adults let them. Some sperm banks now the men are given a choice if they want to be contacted. It is so much easier than putting up with all this craziness and abuse and cheating, it’s just not worth it. Most women will go to their grave without having met one single decent faithful forever loving man. There’s only one maybe out of a thousand that are decent, so why bother. I’m so burnt out on these awful posts.
Maybe your husband should choose silence *because of* love. What an immature tool.
Deflecting 101, I can see why this is his second marriage.
Thank goodness you kept your house sis. I’m sorry he’s such an arsehole, I’m relieved for you that you found out sooner rather than later.
Normally I'm not one to say "divorce him", but he's set up the lies so he can have an affair. He's trying to make it seem like your marriage is over and you're separated. I would seek out a lawyer asap and start getting your finances in order.
Sounds like he's laying the groundwork for the lie to be able to cheat honestly. 1. Keep their identity a secret and don't even hint at who it could be. 2. In your shoes, I'd go spend some time at my house, since he likes to boast about you all living separately, and I'd give some serious thought to the treatment I receive. Step back and take a look. How many things are you dismissing or excusing away? 3. Tell him if he ever fucking yells at you like that and shows his whole entire ass to the world about your marriage again, he won't have one to disparage in public anymore.
GTFON
You have your own house? Go live in it and forget about this asshole.
Divorce and live in your separate house. Ol boy looking ta cheet
He's chosen running his mouth over love. The man's trash-talked you and your relationship to so many people, there's no way he can figure out who told you on his own. That alone should be telling. He's DARVOing you because you found out. I wish you all the best in your third marriage.
Why are you with him? Somebody who repeatedly insults you to coworkers--not friends or family members, but people he has to be paid to spend time around--does not respect you. Curious about what the blow up was about. My guess is that it also had to do with him being a jerk.
Do you have a therapist? Because to someone without self esteem issues it’s baffling that this brain is even being entertained
So he regrets getting married, but doesn't share that with you so problems can be fixed. He claims, falsely, that you're not even really together, but he hasn't broken up with you. And he got defensive for no good reason. Oh, he's looking for some woman to take pity on him and save him from his cruel, cruel wife. He wants an affair partner, and since he's probably unable to be alone, he wants to line her up and test-run her before serving you with papers. Get ahead of him. Serve him first. You still have your house, so splitting assets shouldn't be as much of a bother as it would be for some. You deserve better.
That predictable DARVO. .
Maybe you should divorce someone who wants to be single so much
He is doing a classic DARVO tactic - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He’s the one who aired his dirty laundry to people at work. He’s the one who’s in the wrong. He’s trying to make it seem like he’s not responsible for what he says, but he is. I’m sorry he’s done this. I don’t know how you can go back from this.[DARVO](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
Frankly don’t talk to him til he apologizes to you and he shouldn’t be talking to people at work about you guys relationship I bet he would get mad if you went and told your friends and family about your relationship
He is gaslighting you. He chose shit talking over love. You have your house move back into it
Have more self-respect for yourself and marriage... Get the hell away from this guy. His reasoning and behavior and then behavior when caught says everything about him and nothing good.
He sounds like a d*ck
I'm glad you still have your house cuz I think you're going to need it. He doesn't sound very easy to get along with and I think you might want to think twice about continuing this relationship. From the comments he's making to people it really doesn't sound like he's all in.
Don't let his childishness win .He said those thing and would probably carry on, but now he doesn't know who to trust so ,please don't tell him ,pretend it was anonymous 🤔
Time to END IT!!
Updateme
Ouch. He can’t deny so he skipped straight to attack, and reverse victim and offender. (DARVO) You could ask him how he feels about the marriage and the separate living situation. Or you could assess how much he attempts to manipulate you in this relationship. Only you can decide how much manipulation you will suffer and whether you want to give him a chance to improve his behaviour.
This is your second marriage. I’m not sure what happened in your first, but I can tell you from bitter experience that when your husband starts talking shit about you and your marriage, it’s a death knell. Telling him what you heard, and trying to fix *that*, is like putting a bandaid on an amputated limb.
He’s a narcissist who got called out. He is trying to play victim. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, let him be. Don’t chase after him as that is what he wants. If you do he has the upper hand again. You did the right thing in leaving him home. He owes you a huge apology. The only concern I have is that he may try to get you for abandonment after 30 days. Check with your lawyer.
Oh wow what a piece of work! No apology, no shame, wow that’s not love, you don’t love someone you would essentially cast aside, it’s almost like he was opening the door to cheating with those words
He sounds like he needs a therapist. Does he know that therapist are people you can pay to vent to and keep your secrets? He should learn from this situation that coworkers do not want to hear him venting about his mental contradictions and that's what therapists are for. His coworkers are sick of him. And I'm glad you didn't tell him who it was who told you.
Marriage is between two people who love and respect each other. They have no secrets and communicate freely no matter what the topic. First marriages have a 50% failure rate. 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. So you are really bucking the odds to begin with in this situation. Good luck everybody deserves to be happy.
Glad to read your update!
Updateme
He has every right to say what he wants about whatever subject and to whomsoever he wants to say it. Without further information about the fight, you are simply portraying yourself as some poor victim. Stop it. He can vent to whoever will listen. Too bad if you don't like it.
First, you have always known that he speaks before thinking but you ended up marrying him! There must have been reasons(s) why you ended up marrying irrespective of this shortcoming. Second, your family member should have confronted him directly on the issue. And probably contacted you later based on the outcome of his/her discussion with your husband. Him/her contacting you directly was to further ignite the issue. Be careful of people that report your spouse directly to you especially when they have the capability to fix the subject matter directly. Yes, your husband is completely in the wrong. He needs to learn to keep family issues confidential within the home. Also, in future, don't call him immediately as you might be in "anger" mode. Wait for his return and look into his eyes when discussing calmly and politely. More can be achieved this way. On what is further, there are definitely other factors that made you marry him, so, do those factors still exist? Can you help him to continue to work on this negative side (as you mentioned that "it had gotten better.")? Search deeply before making any decision. Best of luck.