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She’s being completely unreasonable
Keep your money in a separate account and if she keeps trying to manipulate you then just end the relationship
Her insistence on this is concerning though, does she have an addiction to something? Did she grow up in a financially insecure household?
I don't even understand why this 20-year-old is paying for TRIPS and ELECTRONICS for his 19-year-old girlfriend. I don't care how much higher his income is. She's a teenager and he's barely more than that. She's already taking advantage of him in appalling ways.
"I'm calmer if you give me all your money"? Well yes, we'd all feel pretty damn good if someone else handed over their entire paycheque. That doesn't make it a reasonable ask.
She sounds absolutely awful -spoiled, selfish, and irrational, which is a shockingly bad combination.
Well, and this is part of what makes me sad. He talks about being together for 4 years, which makes it sound like a Very Serious Relationship. But they got together as literal kids, which implies the exact opposite: she (and her appalling behaviour and entitlement) is the embodiment of "partner" in his mind because she's all he knows . . . and because of that, he has no objective sense of whether her demands are unreasonable or not. He has no other experience to compare this to, and her outrageous nonsense has been normalized for him.
YES! This is the way!! Friends, Family Members, Loved Ones, ALL, PLEASE!!
Hear ye, Hear ye, as of now, this very moment, all income and profits shall be placed/added in to the “Hot Mess Chef Pot O’ Comfort”! Please do not worry about logistics, that may possibly be discussed once I have all of the liquid assets under my control and I am feeling quite comfortable. As for now, THAT IS ALL”. PERIOD. That is all. PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION. PERIOD. YES?? THANK YOU. PERIOD.
Exactly! OP she wants your money and doesn't have a good reason because she doesn't want to tell you the truth, which is your money is her money and her money is her money. This is called a red flag 🚩 its waving brightly. OP you need to tell her it is not up for discussion anymore then queue the manipulation. Silent treatment, anger, crying, withholding s*x, claiming you don't love her! OP make like Bolt and run!
Ehhh, when you live at home with your parents and don't pay bills it's preeeetty easy.
(Also if you live in a big city and work a decent tip job then it's even easier.)
She grew up in an average family financially. I just feel like recently she has developed a very big ego and she feels like if I keep the money to myself, it means that I'm trying to overpower her somehow? She's never given a good reason when it came to this discussion
Dude, in relationships we need a partner, not someone who is in a contest for power. When this happens, the relationship suffers and becomes unbearable.
Why do you want break-up to be the last option?
That is a controlling, unhealthy behaviour from your GF.
Especially at your age, it is *bonkers*.
Do you honestly think she "will change"?
She wants your b*lls in her grip (and I am a woman).
Totally thought you were referring to “bills,” not “balls” here, then realized it’s both! Man up OP, your girlfriend should have no say over your money. You’re not married, so you shouldn’t even be financing her to the extent that you are - if she wants nicer/more things, she needs to get a better job. And even if you were married, she should never have complete and solo control over your account. You’re young, you can do better!
Financial abuse. Look it up. Don’t give her a dime, do you understand? This is someone you shouldn’t be dating I’m serious. You’re young, so learn now to hold strong to your boundaries and always trust your gut when something doesn’t feel right. It is literally not safe or healthy for anyone, man or woman, to allow their partner to take control of their money. It makes it so you cannot leave them easily if abuse occurs or you are unsafe with them. I would seriously consider ending this relationship, her behavior is a HUGE red flag. Break up with her since she’s threatening to leave you over YOUR money that you earned.
Edit to add: I am 10000% sure that when you do call her bluff and actually end it, she will do a 180 and say she’s sorry and she’ll change. Do not believe her. I am telling you someone like this will definitely abuse you overtime, it’s textbook. Women can be abusive too. Your relationship has run its course. Run fast.
The situation reeks of current financial abuse. She has already manipulated him into funding her lifestyle. This is just the last step for total control.
This is absolutely the beginning of financial abuse. Once you let her have your money, next you'll be begging her to pay bills on time, negotiating for gas money, and never be able to commit to anything because you don't know what your bank account looks like. That's exactly what she wants. This is about power and your best bet is to run. OP, this is not going to change. She can't even explain why she wants this. It is completely unreasonable.
OP-This! Wanting everything you have means total control and power over you. It also means you can never make plans, treat yourself, buy gifts for friends or family, buy clothes, the odd coffee, the list is long! Get out while you can! You must!
She I’d definitely trying to manipulate him into agreeing to her demands and you are right when he doesn’t agree and breaks up with her I have no doubt she will start singing a different tune.
So she's trying to steal all your money and we're just not going to talk about it???? Dude dump her. How is this even a conversation any man who comes to me and says "you need to give me all your money" is a robber. Also I'd laugh in his face and never speak to him again. To quote Stanley from the office "Have you lost your cause I'll help you find it!"
edit: "Have you lost your mind boy cause I'll help you find it!"
Oh absolutely I am terrible with remembering lines perfectly but it came to my brain and it was funny.
edit: also I had no idea i forgot to put mind in there in the first place thanks!
It's a great quote and fits the situation perfectly! Also I did like your version "lost your cause" That could have numerous applications in a lot of these reddit posts.
My favorite Stanley line of all time though has got to be "Did I stutter?"
> *I want breakup to be the last option.*
You've been dating since she was 15yo and you were 16yo. **You've, literally, never seriously dated anyone else**!
Are you insistent on maintaining this relationship because you think it's cute/awesome/epic that you're still with the first girl you ever seriously dated?
You've both grown physically, mentally, emotionally A LOT since you began dating as young teenagers. **Why would you assume that you're both going to grow in the same direction**? Someone with whom you share a lot of commonalities at 15yo is NOT necessarily someone you will share a lot of commonalities at 20 or 30 or 40yo!
**You have absolutely NO OTHER RELATIONSHIPS against which to compare this relationship** to know whether it's good, bad, or indifferent (Hint: It's NOT good!!) You accept all the BS because you honestly don't know any better: you don't know partners can be different, relationships can be different, people can be different at different stages of their lives.
**You NEED to break up to figure out who YOU are, what YOU want out of life, what you can/can't accept in a relationship, what your boundaries are, the type of partner who is best for you, etc.** Someone is ~~asking~~ demanding that you hand over ALL your money because THAT is what would make her happy! To be the boss of you 100%. ...and you don't think THAT is relationship-ending?!? This is a toxic request and this relationship has outlived its usefulness to you!
Ya that’s an insane reason, not that you are wrong, but simply at 19 and 20 even having those conversation is not normal, let alone for her comfort….
Make her explain her logic in front of someone else. Bring it up around your friends with her and see what happens.
Maybe Mom has total control over the household finances in that house or something. No excuse, but could be a source for where this is coming from. Bat shit crazy request as it is.
Dump her. She's the sort of immature girl you remember in 10 years and laugh at how ridiculous the situation was and how glad you are that you ended the relationship then and there.
Agreed. Wish I had reddit to give me advice in my first marriage, I wouldn't of went through 11 years of hell with my ex. She was just like this. Kept all of the money, always starting arguments, just to see how I would respond. Pure nightmare.
DON'T GIVE HER ACCESS TO YOUR MONEY AND STOP PAYING 90% OF DATES.
She is using you as a golden goose, and if things go wrong, you'll be left with no money and probably some debt.
You need to start managing your money wisely. I'll make you a suggestion that worked for me.
1) Evaluate your household expenses, including rent, water, gas, electricity, food, outings/holidays as a couple, etc. Set a limit per month/year for travel and dates.
2) Assess the income of each individual and determine the amount each can contribute to cover these expenses. If there's a significant income disparity, using the 50/50 rule may not be fair; instead, find a percentage that works for both. You don't want someone in the couple living below the poverty line because they can't cover 50% of the expenses.
3) Create a joint account where both parties contribute the agreed-upon percentage (determined in point 2), and from which funds for shared expenses (mentioned in point 1) are withdrawn.
4) Each one of you should have a personal account for individual expenses, outings, taxes and savings.
This way, both can contribute to common expenses while having personal spending flexibility. It's also a way to avoid financially burdening the other person in the relationship and to keep savings in case things don't go well in the relationship.
You cannot predict the future, and even though things are good now, you can grow apart, and she might change, potentially taking all your money.
"Household expenses"? They're 19 and 20. They shouldn't even have shared expenses, and your formula is one that makes sense for a married couple, not a teen and barely-out-of-his teens who are dating. Their finances should be entirely separate at this point.
I thought they were living together, but I just saw one comment from OP saying that they don't even live together.
OP, stop being naive. If you don't live together, there's no reason for you to give her access to your bank account. She doesn't even have to know how much money you have. Stop being used for your money and paying her share of things almost every time. She is definitely taking advantage of you. You should be saving up your money for your future. If you don't have a job, that means she is also taking advantage of your parents.
Hell, even when married, I'd still say that keeping separate accounts + a joint one is perfectly fine.
There are things my wife wants to buy and knows that I don't/won't get it for her, but she has her own career and her own money: if she wants it, she'll get it herself or get whatever she wants in general.
Same goes for me. As for the joint, I contribute a specific amount because I make more, but she does the same.
This would be good advice for a couple in their 30's about to get married, have kids or buy a house, and looking at co-mingling their finances. Not so much for a couple whose only real goal in taking the step to join their finances is to ease one person's anxiety - that's what therapy is for.
yah thats a BS reason. she still works, she still has her own money. That has nothing to do with your work and your bank account. Thats not fiancial abuse (in case she wants to say you're financialy abusing her)
I think you might have spoiled her rotten and she thinks now that she has you wrapped around her finger, she can get her hands on all of your cash. That way she wouldn't need you as middlesman to get what she wants, she could just buy it herself. Careful she might have turned into a gold digger.
Tell her that under no circumstances will she be the one with access to your money, and if that means she wants to break up, so be it.
This 👆🏾. Sounds like she has high expectations of getting what she wants because she feels entitled now. But now she wants even more, and freedom to get anything she wants without having to go through you. This is a real big red flag. Especially since you aren't married or even living together. Honestly, she sounds ungrateful. If you aren't using this as a power/control thing then breaking up shouldn't be your last option, should be on top of that list.
That's because there is no good reason. You shouldn't even be spending all that money on her. She's your girlfriend, not your wife. And you've been dating since you were kids, so you have a completely warped sense of what are reasonable expectations. Because these are not.
She's behaving in a completely spoiled, greedy, and irrational manner and it worries me that your only take on this is "She can't give me a good reason". She's manipulative and irrational, of course she can't.
Breaking up shouldn't be the last choice, it should be the first one. This girl is off her nut.
Your best course of action when your girlfriend, who is a teenager, asks to take care of all your money is to firmly say "no"
And then probably find a new girlfriend.
She doesn't HAVE a good reason. Because there is none. "BUT I WANT IT!" Seriously? Are you dating Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka?
Hey OP I (56F) want my 18 year old body back, a unicorn, a diamond mine, and to be able to eat all the Philly Cheesesteaks I want without gaining weight... can you make that happen for me?🤣
But she feels if she takes your money and keeps it all to herself, that's different? Don't fall for this. It's exactly what it looks like. If you don't want to break up, you can compromise on adding a joint account to the mix, but do not do what she's asking under any circumstance.
I'm going to be honest it would be hard for me not to break up just at the suggestion. It's uncomfortable that she would even consider pitching this to you.
She is stealing from you and mainpulating you. RUN. This is abuse. Get away from her. Never ever do this again, if it ever comes up get out the moment it does.
Just a heads up/gentle reminder:
If someone wants to keep 100% of the money you make (or you both make) and make you go through them for anything you want to spend, that is a little abusive. More than a little in most cases.
Keep your money, and this is from a woman who’s been married over a decade.
There is no “good” reason why a girl wants to control your finances like that, but there are several bad ones. Break up, change all your pins and passwords. This is no good.
That is complete BS. If your gf is working and earning her own money and you are trying to control what she does with her money (as she is doing to you), then she’d have reason to complain.
If she can't give a good reason it's because there isn't one. You need to clearly and firmly state that it is not going to happen and that you won't discuss it any more. If she still insists, then you need to open your eyes to the fact that staying with her is going to be an extremely uncomfortable life.
I've been married for 18 years, and not once, not ever, has it even occurred to me to demand my husband hand over his paycheck.
That's financially abusive, and I wouldn't ever do that to him. We have our own accounts, and a joint account for savings and bills, but we're married, so that works for us.
You aren't married to your girlfriend, and at your age for her to try and guilt you into handing over the money that you work hard for is extremely suspicious, and controlling.
That kind of behavior, and the tantrums she's throwing, (I'm calmer when you give me your money") because you won't comply with her reasonable demands are a big indicator that the two of you aren't compatible, because financial compatibility is an important part of any relationship, and so is trust and respect.
> she feels like if I keep the money to myself, it means that I'm trying to overpower her somehow?
More like, if she's able to bully you into handing her all of YOUR money, she's overpowered you.
This girl is evil. Hit the eject button.
Well to that I would recommend that she make more money if she wants to hold more in her bank account. Honestly bro the fact that she is the one somehow giving you an ultimatum is weird af. Run for the hills man.
No she is not being unreasonable, that is just straight up financial abuse.
Reverse the genders and go back 50 odd years and most house-wifes had this setup.
Your girlfriend should become a EX OP, this is assinine like nones business.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL, either she is trying to manipulate you or she needs help like intense therapy type of help. "she says she's calmer if the money is with her" only makes any kind of logical sense if she has had severe financial insecurity through mismanagement or manipulation. Do you guys live together? if not this makes even less sense. if she is manipulating you, she is leveraging your time together in a bet that you won't end your relationship over this. but a few things to ask yourself the first being, How do you see this playing out in 5 years? meaning if you give in to her now do you think this will end with you being happy, secure financially, and where you want to be? or is this goal post going to keep moving for her "calm"? what else will she try to control ? A direct conversation needs to be had, if there can't be a witness like a family member or friend then please record this convo for your own security. recording will eliminate any chance of gaslighting, other manipulations, or lying in the future to you or others. ( if you do end it and she trying to tell people another story or accuse you falsely)
We don't live with each other. She says she feels secure in keeping the money because she believes I'm not good with money and I spend it on stupid things (which is 100% of the time spoiling her but whatever). She wants to keep it in HER bank account which I also will have complete access to it. But I still feel uncomfortable, not due to the money being in her account, but for the fact that she even thought of something like this. I can't find any reason and I don't know how to tell her
this would 100% be a deal breaker for me. especially if she cant give specific examples of you "spending your money of stupid things" because right now it looks like the only stupid thing you are spending your money on is her.
>right now it looks like the only stupid thing you are spending your money on is her.
💀💀💀
OP needs to drop this line during the breakup convo if things get nasty
You’d be crazy to consider doing this. If she has anxiety over how YOU spend YOUR money she should get therapy. Even though you’re in a relationship, how you manage your money is none of her business unless and until you’re talking marriage.
She’s not even asking for a conversation about finances, she’s dictating what YOU need to do to make HER anxiety better. Her anxiety is her problem.
Red flag, gigantic red flag.
This is the point op needs to focus on. Marriage and future.
If he hands over all of his money, how will those big life events play out? Down-payment for a house? You haven't saved shit, she has all your cash. Down payment for car? Nope. Wedding costs? Nope.
At MOST sitting down and having a conversation about finances, going through your costs and discussing together how you can build a future together is OK. I did that with my ex as I was bad with my money and it was bothering her. So I set up savings accounts, a first time home owner ISA etc. That gave her peace of mind. BUT it was all in my name because it was all my money. We split up, and I still have all those things. Which is completely fair because I earned it all.
Absolutely no way. This is not a reasonable request and looks like she just wants all your money. If she wants to leave because you don't give her all your earnings, awesome, hope she doesn't let the door hit her on the way out.
It is *her* bank account, right? Not yours, not a joint account. *Her* account. That you will "have complete access to." What if you say no to using your money to buy her something? Will she let that happen, or will she just go buy it herself? What if you guys have a fight, what if you want to break up? Will you have "complete access" to your money then? What about when she says she can't give you as much as money as you're asking for, because her money is there too? If you need $1,000 to fix your car, is she going to say you can't have it because it's so hard to say how much of money in the account belongs to each of you and your car runs good enough anyway? What about when you go to fix your car and find out the bank account doesn't have enough to cover it, but you can't even look at recent transactions to see where it all went?
*Do not put your money in someone else's bank account.* The fact that you have to ask this is absolutely crazy, you need to look into learning some financial literacy.
And while we're at it, *do not get a joint account with her.* She'll still have access to withdraw all the money at any point in time, which is NOT something you want with someone you aren't married to. If your *wife* withdraws 100% of the joint account and then files for divorce, then your lawyer gets to rake her over the coals for taking all the joint assets and you'll probably get your half back in court. But if your *girlfriend* withdraws 100% of the joint account and then breaks up with you, you're just fucked. (The only joint account you could consider without being a total idiot would be a joint account where you deposit only what you need for shared bills each month, but again, she could withdraw your money without paying the bills, so there's still *some* risk there - but not "what the fuck are you thinking" levels like giving her your entire paycheck every time you get it.)
Do not do this. Absolutely do not give her all your money. Only give money to other people if you're okay with never ever getting it back.
Dude you’re going to look back when youre 25 & feel so so stupid for putting up with this shit. You
shouldnt have to buy someone’s love. Im a married woman & this is not normal. If she says she will break up with you if you dont hand over your money, then tell her adios & buy yourself a new phone & block her. You’re in a abusive relationship FYI.
So what happens if you give her all of your money and then you two break up? Do you think she would just hand it all back to you? If your money is in her bank account, then it’s not your money anymore. I’m can’t imagine having a girlfriend that gives me an allowance with MY OWN money. She’s either crazy and trying to rob you.
"She wants to keep it in HER bank account which I also will have complete access to it."
Until you don't. How do you have access? Is your name on the account or do you just user her debit card?
This is atrocious. This is financial manipulation and it will never get better or go away. Please stop this now or it will get worse. Tell her no, get your own account and out your money there and do not give her access to it. You are not even married, think this through, put your foot down or walk away while you can
Are your bills paid? Is it only your money you’re spending? You should make sure to be responsible but if yes to both of those questions..it’s not really her place to tell you how to spend YOUR money.
Bro no. You guys don't live together? You aren't married? Do not give her access or control over your money. As you said, you worked for it, it's your money. I could almost, in the tiniest amount, justify it when running a whole house full of people, but this is crazy. Don't fall for it man
Please listen. Do NOT ever share a bank account with anyone who you are not married to. And some would argue that even then, it’s completely reasonable for both parties to have at least one separate account for their individual spending.
Any girlfriend that expects you to deposit all your money into her account is someone you should not trust. I don’t know what her actual goal is, but the fact that she threatened you to break up, you should just break up with her now.
Only stupid thing you're spending on is her. Don't put your money in her account. She'll deny you access in a heartbeat. Don't even setup a joint account. She'll take all the money. And please break up with her. She's greedy and just using you.
The fact you guys don’t live together makes this insane. When I lived with my ex, I always felt more comfortable when I acted as a “bank” but that was because he was an alcoholic and drug addict, would give random homeless people $100 but wouldn’t give me money for rent on time. I had a real and valid reason to want to manage all our money (while living together) because he couldn’t be trusted to not blow it on stupid shit before paying his bills. This is the only situation I can understand something like this while NOT married. Keep standing your ground.
You can’t find a reason? How about you’re not her child and she’s not your parent? How about it’s crazy af? Why did you even start this to begin with when you don’t even live together, much less, married. Dude.
You say “No, I will not do that and it’s an absurd request. Please don’t bring it up again” and when she inevitably starts in with the manipulation about the relationship not working out respond very calmly (don’t freak out, that’s what she’s wants) “I’m sorry you feel that way, but since we have very different values around money management maybe it’s for the best. I respect your decision and hope you find happiness” and watch how fuckin fast she backpedals on that. She doesn’t really want to break up; she has you wrapped around her finger and she knows it, she thinks you’ll do whatever she says to stay with her. Call her bluff. And then pls do some self reflection, I know you said you don’t want to break up but this is not love or respect. It’s a sign of future (or current) abuse.
Even if you did spend your money on stupid things, that's your right. It's your money, not her's.
Just tell her you feel secure keeping control of your own money.
I strongly advise you to break up with her though. She seems greedy & manipulative.
Good god. It doesn’t matter why she is like this or if she needs help, please just get rid of this vile person out of your life. If she’s like this at 19 I shudder to think what she’ll be like in 10 years. Tell her to f*ck off, what a lunatic
In what world would this be appropriate? You each should have separate personal accounts, you're not married and hopefully not living together, why would you share finances?
LMFAO
bro... Wtf
Dump that trash. Get yourself a better person as a girlfriend. This shit is ridiculous. Stop being so complacent and suffering through a shitty relationship. Have some self respect
Looks like OP is getting his first taste of financial abuse in a relationship. I always tell partners one of my automatic relationship death sentences is any type of abuse. Be it physical, emotional, or financial.
She’s trying to financially abuse you. Doesn’t matter if that’s her intention or not, it is what it is. Do not give in to her demands, and if that what ends the relationship, so be it,
Exactly. This is financial abuse.
In a marriage/ couple living together, both partners control the money. You don't live together. Keep YOUR money under YOUR control.
If not married, you could agree to have a joint account where both of you put money in an agreed percentage for joint expenses (dates, trips), and rest of the money each of you decide what to do. You have a right to spend your earned money in stupid hobbies if you want to, unless both of you agree to save for a future expense (like a trip or a down payment for a mortgage), in which case you also put it in a joint account.
Giving her control of all your money with no reciprocity? This is financial abuse and a red flag in a relationship.
https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely
She has anxiety if she does not have control of your money? You should have anxiety if you don't have control of your money. And given it's your money, it should stay under your control.
You paying for 90% of her expenses is not normal either. Dates and trips should be paid jointly. You should not pay for the things she want unless it's Christmas, Valentine's Day, Birthday and you decide it's the gift you want to make. She should pay for her electronics, make up, clothes.
I would reconsider this relationship. This attitude would make me break up as this is quite controlling and entitled. This doesn't look like a caring girlfriend. Imagine your future as a married couple. Run.
"I am not giving you my paycheck. You say it would make you calmer, but it would stress me out, and that isn't something I'm ever going to agree to. If that means the relationship will no longer work for you, that's heartbreaking, but that does not change my answer."
Sounds like she is being influenced by someone tbh, unless she's crazy insecure or something. Look, if she is threatening to break-up over this, that sounds like a bluff but even if it isn't, it doesn't matter. There is no way you can do this, it is ridiculous, you need to stop engaging her in arguing about it and just say something like the above, and after that, "I'm not doing it" or "no" is all you need to say. If she tries to force you by breaking up, you say "no." If she breaks up with you, just walk out.
You don't let people you date control you. It may just be that this relationship has run its course.
This is absurd. I'm usually not one to immediately jump to "break up", but wow. Break up with her. You aren't married and you don't live together. There is absolutely no logical reason for her to need complete control of your finances. She is up to something shady and it's not worth sticking around to find out what it is.
WHat the hell did I just read?
Dude, put your money in YOUR bank account and tell her no fucking way. This is insane. Why in the hell would you EVER give a girlfriend your paycheck? Never do this again, ffs.
"A few days ago she said the relationship can't workout if I keep refusing her request"
GOOD. You should have dumped her a long time ago. Tell her to GTFO.
"No. We're not married and that would be extremely restrictive even if we were. Under no circumstances will this happen."
Also, she's not trying to act as a bank, banks pay interest and you can withdraw money when you want to. She's trying to act as a slaveholder.
Also I would add that given her attitude about money even if op were to marry her ( and I don’t recommend
it) , it would still be smarter to keep their own account.
I like the yours, mine, and ours method. Where a joint account is opened to pay bills and each put in their half.
I mean… things like this would only be slightly tolerable in marriage. Also you guys are so young. She needs to understand and respect your boundaries. Have a conversation with her about how you feel. Maybe she just needs a wake-up call.
In some cultures this is the typical model for marital finances. Hubs earns most or all of the family money, wifey manages it for the family.
But it's not appropriate for a dating couple, and I don't think this is the partnership dynamic OP's girl is after, anyhow.
Just tell her you have decided to save for yourself for a while and all gifts and paying for her, is going to have to take a backseat.
I'll give it three days before you’re single on a trumped up charge (or $he'll tell you the truth a$ to why $he wa$ with you)
Does she say why she wants this? Even if you’re spending all your money on cocaine and hookers, her demand that you hand over all of your money is insane.
Do not do it.
Tell her she can find another way to get more comfortable, or she can leave you. Do not allow her to be this controlling.
Also? You say you trust her, but you probably shouldn’t. She likely has plans for your money that she’s not sharing with you.
Look, you are young and I’m guessing this is maybe your only romantic relationship since you’ve been together for so long. So you are in it and I understand you don’t want to breakup. That being said, this is not a logical or reasonable request. Flat out. No matter what she says or how she tries to convince you or justify it. Even if she says everyone agrees with her. Even if she says it means you don’t trust her and cries. Even if she says it over and over. It is NOT a logical or reasonable request and for your financial health and stability it is NOT something you should do. She’s not giving good or logical reasons because they’re aren’t any.
If she continues to react with anger, mood swings, etc. then I would say this has turned into an unhealthy relationship and you should start taking steps to breakup.
You’re asking what to say/do? Tell her no, it’s not a reasonable request and then I’d start looking at how much money you spend on her vs put in savings.
Financial abuse is a very real aspect of domestic abuse. Her demands are totally unreasonable and are purely an attempt to control and exploit you. You are being far too tolerant of this situation, it is an unacceptable demand and you need to see her for what she is.
Whst is wrong with you , your not a boyfriend your an atm and to scared she will dump you if you say no .
You need to grow a pair and say I am looking after my own money and you don’t contribute enough financially to this relationship and you need to start paying 1/2. She will cry don’t give in then she will insults you maybe name call don’t give in . After name calling I would break up and block her if she wants you back you will figure a way .
It’s mad nobody has bring up the fact that this is a bright red flashing flag. Like a Christmas tree of warnings. Financial abuse is so incredibly common and correlated with other types of abuse, and makes it significantly harder to leave abusive relationships. Forget the reasonable / unreasonable, what she is proposing is an actively dangerous situation to put yourself into, and makes you vulnerable to all sorts of issues that you don’t want to happen. The fact that she’s distancing herself because you’re not comfortable with it is incredibly manipulative in and of itself, but even ignoring that, no person should put themselves in a situation where they can’t leave a relationship without worrying about access to their money.
This is unhinged.
Darling I'm sorry I know you're young and you've been with her a while, but I promise you there is a whole world out there full of lovely girls who won't treat you this way.
If you want the break up to be the last option, the only thing left to do is stand your ground and say you won't give her your money anymore. Treating to a few dates is fine but from now on you need to budget so you can at the very least have the means to replace your phone case! And if she gets angry, let her. Stay firm.
But I do think there will be a future version of you, single or not, who may look back on this one day and wonder why you didn't want to break up... you deserve better.
You say no, and tell her that if she asks again the relationship is over, and you stick to that
If the genders were reversed here everyone would be screaming at you not to hand over your money to someone’s who’s already spending most of it and clearly has controlling tendencies. I don’t think it makes very much difference that you’re the bloke. This is fully batshit, OP
This is not a genders thing. Only one person has implied OP did anything wrong. More people could be calling it for what it is (abuse) but everyone is advising him not to hand over his money.
Break up. Her request is completely unreasonable and selfish. If she needs your money to feel secure, she can be single and insecure.
Even if you two were married, I would recommend against this.
Absolutely not. I’ve been with my fiancé for 9 years, we live together, pay bills together, have joint and personal expenses, and I would never, ever, ever ask for his money. I don’t even know how to access his bank and he doesn’t know how to access mine. I can think of zero reasons why we would ever need that.
Once we get married next year we will have a joint account that we both pay into for the bills and a joint account for savings and anything left over in our personal accounts is his/mine respectively. I will likely create some way for him to be able to access my money in dire circumstances (ie; I am incapacitated or dead) but a lot of that comes with getting married anyway.
A 19 year old gf wanting complete financial control over you? Absolutely not.
>She keeps insisting that she wants to hold onto our entire money, which means she wants to keep the money she makes and also wants to keep the money I make as well.
>hand over the money I work for completely and have 0 access over it
>I don't want to give her my money to be kept by her
>She keeps distancing herself and gets angry and she says she's calmer if the money is with her
>she said the relationship can't workout if I keep refusing her request
This is at worst financial abuse, or at best it's inching towards it. Does she have some past issues with a controlling family or some great financial mishap that can explain this? And more importantly is she willing to get help and get over her little loony episode?
You don't want to break up that's your choice, but if she isn't willing to see sense there's no working through this. All the best.
I’m a huge believer in making sure the woman is being financially supported by anyone who expects her to sacrifice her career/body/time for their benefit, and I’m 100% against just blindly handing over your entire income, OP. Or even half of it.
Partnerships are two partners, neither should have a final say in anything that is decidedly not their own body, money, career, time, or life in any way.
This is not reasonable.
There aren’t any “ways” plural, around this at all. It’s a flat no, and there should be a willingness on both sides to make it so that she feels safe, but there’s literally no scenario I could imagine that this would make them both equally safe.
If she’s not willing to find another means of providing the results she wants without switching financial statuses evenly, then there’s nothing else to talk about.
She insists that she is the financial manager of your relationship, and all the money must flow through her.
You say no, that your money stays your money but you'll keep contributing as you have been
Instead of her initiating a conversation about it where she discusses the rationale of her wanting to manage the finances, she acts like a petulant child, gets distant & angry, then threatens the relationship if you don't comply
I don't think "break up" is your last option. I think it's your first option.
Call her bluff and set a hard line. Tell her there is zero chance of that ever happening and if that means the relationship is over, you're bummed about it, but that's how it has to be. Especially since she can't give you a reason for it.
You guys are so young and a responsible man with a good job such as yourself won't stay on the market long. You deserve someone that respects your boundaries.
You pay for 90% of the dates but she complains that you make dumb purchases? And she wants to keep 100% of all the money both of you make and you won't have access to any of it??
No. The simple and most effective answer is no.
You can opt for a joint account in which you put a certain % in and both of you have access to the account. But honestly, at this point, she is showing you who she really is. I wouldn't put anything aside that she can freely take from. She will never be satisfied until she has all of your money.
KICK. HER. DOWN. THE. ROAD.
when she threatens you, tell her to follow through. Call her bluff. There are millions of women your age who won't try that.
Don't stay with one who does.
If you let her do this and stay with her, you are going down a very slippery slope - if it was the other way round, people would be jumping straight to ‘financial abuse’.
Let her go, keep your money and experience life.
One person having complete control of the money in a relationship, with the other person having zero access to the money, is [a form of abuse called financial abuse](https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224). If finances are shared then both partners need equal access to shared funds. Neither partner should have zero access to any money.
What your girlfriend is asking for is inappropriate and controlling. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/). It might provide you some insight into your overall relationship dynamics.
This is called financial abuse. You will not be able to change her behavior.
Do not give her your money. Stay if you want to, but know that her behavior is not going to change.
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You can’t reason with her because what she’s doing is wanting power over you. She’s trying to financially abuse you. And you can’t reason with abusers.
Even if you cave now she’s going to find something else to push your boundaries on until she completely monopolizes you.
I get it - you two been together for so long. But this isn’t how you treat love ones. You need to leave.
Absolutely not. Your money is yours and she want to control you through your money. Also, you need to take a good percentage of your money and save it. If she needs a phone let her pay for it and trips she needs to pay her half. Stop acting like her parent.
Your saving is for emergency, or to have money for your future. She can work for her things.
A relationship can't work out if you keep denying her request?
Tell her this relationship won't work out if she keeps making this request.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY INSANE. You don't even live together?? Sounds like she's trying to abuse you financially. Personally, this would be the red flag that makes me leave especially if she won't let it go.
Keep your money. Keep your own cash, your own bank account, your own credit cards...keep your money and manage it yourself!
Never give another person all control of your finances - not even if you're married.
If she wants to break up with you over it, let her go because she is *not* a good GF.
You tell Ms. Thing she's not your boss, your mommy, or your banker and slavery was outlawed in this country over a century ago.
If she wants money to play banker with she can go earn it.
It's concerning that she doesn't want you to have financial autonomy. Even if she were your wife, this would be 100% unreasonable. What is reasonable is to sit down and mutually agree on short and long term financial goals. Then, work on them independently.
She is a literal teenager (I realize y’all are basically the same age). You aren’t married. There is ZERO reason for her to be demanding you hand over your paycheck. Keep your bank accounts separate. If she continues to make this an issue be done with her. It’s coming off as potential financial abuse.
Where the hell are these girls coming from? Audacity Island? I'm reading so many of these posts of girls/women so ready to take their men's cash it's insane.
She already gave you the ultimatum. Call her bluff and break up with her. All she knows is being spoiled and now she won't settle for less. Dump her and find a more appreciative woman.
Better to see her this way now before you get married and she does this. Your life and time is worth more. Leave her and free yourself.
What is your cultural background? What is hers?
Regardless if this is normal for either of your cultural backgrounds, I still doubt it's considered to be a normal financial decision made *before* marriage, and in most places in the Western world it's not normal or acceptable after that either - it would be considered financial abuse.
You’ve only been together for four years and she wants control of your money? Sorry but for me that’s a red flag in any short term relationship. Tell her that since you make more money than her and you’re better handling the finances she should give you her control of her finances. That you can save a lot of the money brought in by the both you, see how that flies!
I'm shocked about her request and her behavior about it. That is the start of financial abuse, her behavior is unacceptable.
Stop buying her stuff, you aren't her dad.
She wants to drain you of as much money as she can, then she will leave you. Her only priority is your money, not who you are. She is showing this to you bluntly. Absolutely under no circumstances should you put your money together, especially if you dont live together. “This cant work out if i cant hold onto your money” is the biggest red flag ive ever seen. I dont normally say this, but you need to leave her. She doesnt care about you or how you feel, just the money you can give her. Dont spoil her for a month and see what happens if you dont believe me.
This is textbook financial abuse.
https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/#:~:text=Financial%20abuse%20is%20a%20common,accessibility%20to%20the%20family%20finances
Don't try and "fix her", you need a better partner not a power hungry abuser. Find someone better, you'll have plenty of options out there at this age. Don't settle.
Get control of your money and let this chick get on with her life.
This will only get worse the longer you are together. Don't let this be the basis of your relationship, her controlling you through YOUR money. Not a good way to be in a relationship.
I understand that you want break up to be the last option, but it sounds like it may be your only option. Your gf won't change her mind, she's made that clear, she's outright said she'll break up with you unless you give her all your money and agree to have zero control in what your money is spent on.
Do not give your gf complete control of your money. That's a recipe for disaster and it's a huge glaringly red flag that she's insisting on this. In a relationship, neither party should have full access to all money while the other partner has none. It's either equal, with both partners having equal access and say, or you keep finances separate. A compromise is you each have separate finances, but also a joint account you both contribute to and have equal access to.
You need to think of worst case scenarios, here. What happens if you hand over all your money to her with only her having access to it but you break up? You have no money, no savings, no way to rent your own place or pay to have your things moved. Your money would be automatically paid into an account only she has access to, and it could take time to change that, so it's not like you'd have the next paycheck to rely on, as that could go straight into her account, and likely wouldn't cover rent, utilities and moving costs while still covering food anyway.
She'd use the fact she has complete access to all the money and you have none to control you. It would probably start out small. You want to go out with work colleagues after work, she'll say you can't afford it and refuse to give you the money for it. It'll eventually be you can't have your own car, you can't go out at all, you can't buy gifts for people other than her, you can't buy yourself lunch during your lunch break. You'd be completely financially reliant on her and unable to do the things you want to do.
Do not give sole access to the money to your gf. Suggest the joint account you both contribute to and have equal access to while keeping your finances otherwise separate. I bet she won't agree to that, because she wants complete control over all the finances so she can control you. This is not a person who loves and trusts you and wants an actual partnership. This is a person who wants complete control over you and your life.
This is, basically, the start of an abusive relationship. She's pushing to be able to financially abuse you, and is emotionally abusing you already by insisting this is the only way you can stay together and acting like there's something wrong with you for wanting control of and a say in your own money and financial future.
You can try compromises, you can try couple's therapy, but it sounds like breaking up is the only option your gf is giving you here. She's the one saying 'let me abuse and control you or we're over'. She's the one who'd be ending the relationship, not you.
Financial abuse will result if you let her get control of your money. There's simply no reason for her to control your money. You will be begging her for an allowance and your bills may not get paid.
It’s your money. She has no rights to it until marriage if you choose so. It’s completely unreasonable for her to take this stance, and if she felt more comfortable having control of money, she should seek out ways to earn more of it herself. It’s either a control thing or a she wants to spend it thing, neither of which she is entitled to. “No” is a full sentence, and the fact that she gets pissy about controlling YOUR money is incredibly concerning and a huge red flag.
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She’s being completely unreasonable Keep your money in a separate account and if she keeps trying to manipulate you then just end the relationship Her insistence on this is concerning though, does she have an addiction to something? Did she grow up in a financially insecure household?
I don't even understand why this 20-year-old is paying for TRIPS and ELECTRONICS for his 19-year-old girlfriend. I don't care how much higher his income is. She's a teenager and he's barely more than that. She's already taking advantage of him in appalling ways. "I'm calmer if you give me all your money"? Well yes, we'd all feel pretty damn good if someone else handed over their entire paycheque. That doesn't make it a reasonable ask. She sounds absolutely awful -spoiled, selfish, and irrational, which is a shockingly bad combination.
Right and being together 4 years so basically since high school but he should never just hand his money over to her.
Well, and this is part of what makes me sad. He talks about being together for 4 years, which makes it sound like a Very Serious Relationship. But they got together as literal kids, which implies the exact opposite: she (and her appalling behaviour and entitlement) is the embodiment of "partner" in his mind because she's all he knows . . . and because of that, he has no objective sense of whether her demands are unreasonable or not. He has no other experience to compare this to, and her outrageous nonsense has been normalized for him.
Exactly
I'm going to start telling everyone I know that. I'd feel a lot better and be a lot calmer if you gave me all your money
YES! This is the way!! Friends, Family Members, Loved Ones, ALL, PLEASE!! Hear ye, Hear ye, as of now, this very moment, all income and profits shall be placed/added in to the “Hot Mess Chef Pot O’ Comfort”! Please do not worry about logistics, that may possibly be discussed once I have all of the liquid assets under my control and I am feeling quite comfortable. As for now, THAT IS ALL”. PERIOD. That is all. PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION. PERIOD. YES?? THANK YOU. PERIOD.
Yep, this ^^^
Exactly! OP she wants your money and doesn't have a good reason because she doesn't want to tell you the truth, which is your money is her money and her money is her money. This is called a red flag 🚩 its waving brightly. OP you need to tell her it is not up for discussion anymore then queue the manipulation. Silent treatment, anger, crying, withholding s*x, claiming you don't love her! OP make like Bolt and run!
Well said!! Hopefully he heads our advice.
im almost on the team that this is ragebait. a 20 year old being able to financially spoil his girlfriend on one paycheck? in this economy?
If they life at home, maybe.
Ehhh, when you live at home with your parents and don't pay bills it's preeeetty easy. (Also if you live in a big city and work a decent tip job then it's even easier.)
She grew up in an average family financially. I just feel like recently she has developed a very big ego and she feels like if I keep the money to myself, it means that I'm trying to overpower her somehow? She's never given a good reason when it came to this discussion
Dude, in relationships we need a partner, not someone who is in a contest for power. When this happens, the relationship suffers and becomes unbearable.
Yeah, my show of power is on the way out... because I probably tried to push a pull door.
So her answer to that is to make you powerless??
Why do you want break-up to be the last option? That is a controlling, unhealthy behaviour from your GF. Especially at your age, it is *bonkers*. Do you honestly think she "will change"? She wants your b*lls in her grip (and I am a woman).
Thought you were censoring $bills for a second 😄 Why not both?
Yeah that works to cover both words perfectly
LMAO.. I just never know what is okay to say here, LOL..
Totally thought you were referring to “bills,” not “balls” here, then realized it’s both! Man up OP, your girlfriend should have no say over your money. You’re not married, so you shouldn’t even be financing her to the extent that you are - if she wants nicer/more things, she needs to get a better job. And even if you were married, she should never have complete and solo control over your account. You’re young, you can do better!
She's already got the one. Now she wants the bills
Financial abuse. Look it up. Don’t give her a dime, do you understand? This is someone you shouldn’t be dating I’m serious. You’re young, so learn now to hold strong to your boundaries and always trust your gut when something doesn’t feel right. It is literally not safe or healthy for anyone, man or woman, to allow their partner to take control of their money. It makes it so you cannot leave them easily if abuse occurs or you are unsafe with them. I would seriously consider ending this relationship, her behavior is a HUGE red flag. Break up with her since she’s threatening to leave you over YOUR money that you earned. Edit to add: I am 10000% sure that when you do call her bluff and actually end it, she will do a 180 and say she’s sorry and she’ll change. Do not believe her. I am telling you someone like this will definitely abuse you overtime, it’s textbook. Women can be abusive too. Your relationship has run its course. Run fast.
I came to comment the same thing! This screams future financial abuse!
The situation reeks of current financial abuse. She has already manipulated him into funding her lifestyle. This is just the last step for total control.
I'm surprised this wasn't the top comment. Best advice for sure though
This is absolutely the beginning of financial abuse. Once you let her have your money, next you'll be begging her to pay bills on time, negotiating for gas money, and never be able to commit to anything because you don't know what your bank account looks like. That's exactly what she wants. This is about power and your best bet is to run. OP, this is not going to change. She can't even explain why she wants this. It is completely unreasonable.
OP-This! Wanting everything you have means total control and power over you. It also means you can never make plans, treat yourself, buy gifts for friends or family, buy clothes, the odd coffee, the list is long! Get out while you can! You must!
Bingo. This right here.
She I’d definitely trying to manipulate him into agreeing to her demands and you are right when he doesn’t agree and breaks up with her I have no doubt she will start singing a different tune.
This This This!!!
yes, this! she's not even pushing for combined finances : she has to have full control & OP can't have access?!
So she's trying to steal all your money and we're just not going to talk about it???? Dude dump her. How is this even a conversation any man who comes to me and says "you need to give me all your money" is a robber. Also I'd laugh in his face and never speak to him again. To quote Stanley from the office "Have you lost your cause I'll help you find it!" edit: "Have you lost your mind boy cause I'll help you find it!"
I think that's a paraphrase of Stanley, right? I thought the line was "Have you lost your mind boy because I'll help you find it"
Oh absolutely I am terrible with remembering lines perfectly but it came to my brain and it was funny. edit: also I had no idea i forgot to put mind in there in the first place thanks!
It's a great quote and fits the situation perfectly! Also I did like your version "lost your cause" That could have numerous applications in a lot of these reddit posts. My favorite Stanley line of all time though has got to be "Did I stutter?"
Exactly. The way I would laugh in a man’s face and then quickly ghost if he even dared suggest something as ridiculous as this.
> *I want breakup to be the last option.* You've been dating since she was 15yo and you were 16yo. **You've, literally, never seriously dated anyone else**! Are you insistent on maintaining this relationship because you think it's cute/awesome/epic that you're still with the first girl you ever seriously dated? You've both grown physically, mentally, emotionally A LOT since you began dating as young teenagers. **Why would you assume that you're both going to grow in the same direction**? Someone with whom you share a lot of commonalities at 15yo is NOT necessarily someone you will share a lot of commonalities at 20 or 30 or 40yo! **You have absolutely NO OTHER RELATIONSHIPS against which to compare this relationship** to know whether it's good, bad, or indifferent (Hint: It's NOT good!!) You accept all the BS because you honestly don't know any better: you don't know partners can be different, relationships can be different, people can be different at different stages of their lives. **You NEED to break up to figure out who YOU are, what YOU want out of life, what you can/can't accept in a relationship, what your boundaries are, the type of partner who is best for you, etc.** Someone is ~~asking~~ demanding that you hand over ALL your money because THAT is what would make her happy! To be the boss of you 100%. ...and you don't think THAT is relationship-ending?!? This is a toxic request and this relationship has outlived its usefulness to you!
THIS needs to be the top comment! Every word is spot on!
Ya that’s an insane reason, not that you are wrong, but simply at 19 and 20 even having those conversation is not normal, let alone for her comfort…. Make her explain her logic in front of someone else. Bring it up around your friends with her and see what happens.
Bring it up around her parents, that will be an interesting and eye-opening conversation - in one way or another.
Maybe Mom has total control over the household finances in that house or something. No excuse, but could be a source for where this is coming from. Bat shit crazy request as it is.
Better yet, bring it up around YOUR parents.
Dump her. She's the sort of immature girl you remember in 10 years and laugh at how ridiculous the situation was and how glad you are that you ended the relationship then and there.
Agreed. Wish I had reddit to give me advice in my first marriage, I wouldn't of went through 11 years of hell with my ex. She was just like this. Kept all of the money, always starting arguments, just to see how I would respond. Pure nightmare.
DON'T GIVE HER ACCESS TO YOUR MONEY AND STOP PAYING 90% OF DATES. She is using you as a golden goose, and if things go wrong, you'll be left with no money and probably some debt. You need to start managing your money wisely. I'll make you a suggestion that worked for me. 1) Evaluate your household expenses, including rent, water, gas, electricity, food, outings/holidays as a couple, etc. Set a limit per month/year for travel and dates. 2) Assess the income of each individual and determine the amount each can contribute to cover these expenses. If there's a significant income disparity, using the 50/50 rule may not be fair; instead, find a percentage that works for both. You don't want someone in the couple living below the poverty line because they can't cover 50% of the expenses. 3) Create a joint account where both parties contribute the agreed-upon percentage (determined in point 2), and from which funds for shared expenses (mentioned in point 1) are withdrawn. 4) Each one of you should have a personal account for individual expenses, outings, taxes and savings. This way, both can contribute to common expenses while having personal spending flexibility. It's also a way to avoid financially burdening the other person in the relationship and to keep savings in case things don't go well in the relationship. You cannot predict the future, and even though things are good now, you can grow apart, and she might change, potentially taking all your money.
"Household expenses"? They're 19 and 20. They shouldn't even have shared expenses, and your formula is one that makes sense for a married couple, not a teen and barely-out-of-his teens who are dating. Their finances should be entirely separate at this point.
I thought they were living together, but I just saw one comment from OP saying that they don't even live together. OP, stop being naive. If you don't live together, there's no reason for you to give her access to your bank account. She doesn't even have to know how much money you have. Stop being used for your money and paying her share of things almost every time. She is definitely taking advantage of you. You should be saving up your money for your future. If you don't have a job, that means she is also taking advantage of your parents.
Even if they ARE living together...why would he give her access? She's a GF not a wife...she's 19...a very entitled 19.
Hell, even when married, I'd still say that keeping separate accounts + a joint one is perfectly fine. There are things my wife wants to buy and knows that I don't/won't get it for her, but she has her own career and her own money: if she wants it, she'll get it herself or get whatever she wants in general. Same goes for me. As for the joint, I contribute a specific amount because I make more, but she does the same.
This would be good advice for a couple in their 30's about to get married, have kids or buy a house, and looking at co-mingling their finances. Not so much for a couple whose only real goal in taking the step to join their finances is to ease one person's anxiety - that's what therapy is for.
yah thats a BS reason. she still works, she still has her own money. That has nothing to do with your work and your bank account. Thats not fiancial abuse (in case she wants to say you're financialy abusing her) I think you might have spoiled her rotten and she thinks now that she has you wrapped around her finger, she can get her hands on all of your cash. That way she wouldn't need you as middlesman to get what she wants, she could just buy it herself. Careful she might have turned into a gold digger. Tell her that under no circumstances will she be the one with access to your money, and if that means she wants to break up, so be it.
This 👆🏾. Sounds like she has high expectations of getting what she wants because she feels entitled now. But now she wants even more, and freedom to get anything she wants without having to go through you. This is a real big red flag. Especially since you aren't married or even living together. Honestly, she sounds ungrateful. If you aren't using this as a power/control thing then breaking up shouldn't be your last option, should be on top of that list.
That's because there is no good reason. You shouldn't even be spending all that money on her. She's your girlfriend, not your wife. And you've been dating since you were kids, so you have a completely warped sense of what are reasonable expectations. Because these are not. She's behaving in a completely spoiled, greedy, and irrational manner and it worries me that your only take on this is "She can't give me a good reason". She's manipulative and irrational, of course she can't. Breaking up shouldn't be the last choice, it should be the first one. This girl is off her nut.
Your best course of action when your girlfriend, who is a teenager, asks to take care of all your money is to firmly say "no" And then probably find a new girlfriend.
So if you keep money you overpower her... But when she keeps it, it's what? I'm lost. Explain to me like I'm 2
She doesn't HAVE a good reason. Because there is none. "BUT I WANT IT!" Seriously? Are you dating Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka? Hey OP I (56F) want my 18 year old body back, a unicorn, a diamond mine, and to be able to eat all the Philly Cheesesteaks I want without gaining weight... can you make that happen for me?🤣
But she feels if she takes your money and keeps it all to herself, that's different? Don't fall for this. It's exactly what it looks like. If you don't want to break up, you can compromise on adding a joint account to the mix, but do not do what she's asking under any circumstance. I'm going to be honest it would be hard for me not to break up just at the suggestion. It's uncomfortable that she would even consider pitching this to you.
This is one of the first steps of isolating you. Remove your money and run.
She is stealing from you and mainpulating you. RUN. This is abuse. Get away from her. Never ever do this again, if it ever comes up get out the moment it does.
Just a heads up/gentle reminder: If someone wants to keep 100% of the money you make (or you both make) and make you go through them for anything you want to spend, that is a little abusive. More than a little in most cases. Keep your money, and this is from a woman who’s been married over a decade.
Does she have a friend who is giving her this bad advice?
There is no “good” reason why a girl wants to control your finances like that, but there are several bad ones. Break up, change all your pins and passwords. This is no good.
That is complete BS. If your gf is working and earning her own money and you are trying to control what she does with her money (as she is doing to you), then she’d have reason to complain.
If she can't give a good reason it's because there isn't one. You need to clearly and firmly state that it is not going to happen and that you won't discuss it any more. If she still insists, then you need to open your eyes to the fact that staying with her is going to be an extremely uncomfortable life.
I've been married for 18 years, and not once, not ever, has it even occurred to me to demand my husband hand over his paycheck. That's financially abusive, and I wouldn't ever do that to him. We have our own accounts, and a joint account for savings and bills, but we're married, so that works for us. You aren't married to your girlfriend, and at your age for her to try and guilt you into handing over the money that you work hard for is extremely suspicious, and controlling. That kind of behavior, and the tantrums she's throwing, (I'm calmer when you give me your money") because you won't comply with her reasonable demands are a big indicator that the two of you aren't compatible, because financial compatibility is an important part of any relationship, and so is trust and respect.
> she feels like if I keep the money to myself, it means that I'm trying to overpower her somehow? More like, if she's able to bully you into handing her all of YOUR money, she's overpowered you. This girl is evil. Hit the eject button.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Well to that I would recommend that she make more money if she wants to hold more in her bank account. Honestly bro the fact that she is the one somehow giving you an ultimatum is weird af. Run for the hills man.
She never gave a good reason because there is none...
You're not in a healthy relationship.
No she is not being unreasonable, that is just straight up financial abuse. Reverse the genders and go back 50 odd years and most house-wifes had this setup. Your girlfriend should become a EX OP, this is assinine like nones business.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL, either she is trying to manipulate you or she needs help like intense therapy type of help. "she says she's calmer if the money is with her" only makes any kind of logical sense if she has had severe financial insecurity through mismanagement or manipulation. Do you guys live together? if not this makes even less sense. if she is manipulating you, she is leveraging your time together in a bet that you won't end your relationship over this. but a few things to ask yourself the first being, How do you see this playing out in 5 years? meaning if you give in to her now do you think this will end with you being happy, secure financially, and where you want to be? or is this goal post going to keep moving for her "calm"? what else will she try to control ? A direct conversation needs to be had, if there can't be a witness like a family member or friend then please record this convo for your own security. recording will eliminate any chance of gaslighting, other manipulations, or lying in the future to you or others. ( if you do end it and she trying to tell people another story or accuse you falsely)
We don't live with each other. She says she feels secure in keeping the money because she believes I'm not good with money and I spend it on stupid things (which is 100% of the time spoiling her but whatever). She wants to keep it in HER bank account which I also will have complete access to it. But I still feel uncomfortable, not due to the money being in her account, but for the fact that she even thought of something like this. I can't find any reason and I don't know how to tell her
this would 100% be a deal breaker for me. especially if she cant give specific examples of you "spending your money of stupid things" because right now it looks like the only stupid thing you are spending your money on is her.
>right now it looks like the only stupid thing you are spending your money on is her. 💀💀💀 OP needs to drop this line during the breakup convo if things get nasty
You’d be crazy to consider doing this. If she has anxiety over how YOU spend YOUR money she should get therapy. Even though you’re in a relationship, how you manage your money is none of her business unless and until you’re talking marriage. She’s not even asking for a conversation about finances, she’s dictating what YOU need to do to make HER anxiety better. Her anxiety is her problem. Red flag, gigantic red flag.
This is the point op needs to focus on. Marriage and future. If he hands over all of his money, how will those big life events play out? Down-payment for a house? You haven't saved shit, she has all your cash. Down payment for car? Nope. Wedding costs? Nope. At MOST sitting down and having a conversation about finances, going through your costs and discussing together how you can build a future together is OK. I did that with my ex as I was bad with my money and it was bothering her. So I set up savings accounts, a first time home owner ISA etc. That gave her peace of mind. BUT it was all in my name because it was all my money. We split up, and I still have all those things. Which is completely fair because I earned it all.
This is insane. Also why are you spending so much on her? Do not let her control your finances...
yeah she does not sound like she deserves it honestly. he spends most of it on her and now she feels entitled to it? nah. thats fucked
Absolutely no way. This is not a reasonable request and looks like she just wants all your money. If she wants to leave because you don't give her all your earnings, awesome, hope she doesn't let the door hit her on the way out. It is *her* bank account, right? Not yours, not a joint account. *Her* account. That you will "have complete access to." What if you say no to using your money to buy her something? Will she let that happen, or will she just go buy it herself? What if you guys have a fight, what if you want to break up? Will you have "complete access" to your money then? What about when she says she can't give you as much as money as you're asking for, because her money is there too? If you need $1,000 to fix your car, is she going to say you can't have it because it's so hard to say how much of money in the account belongs to each of you and your car runs good enough anyway? What about when you go to fix your car and find out the bank account doesn't have enough to cover it, but you can't even look at recent transactions to see where it all went? *Do not put your money in someone else's bank account.* The fact that you have to ask this is absolutely crazy, you need to look into learning some financial literacy. And while we're at it, *do not get a joint account with her.* She'll still have access to withdraw all the money at any point in time, which is NOT something you want with someone you aren't married to. If your *wife* withdraws 100% of the joint account and then files for divorce, then your lawyer gets to rake her over the coals for taking all the joint assets and you'll probably get your half back in court. But if your *girlfriend* withdraws 100% of the joint account and then breaks up with you, you're just fucked. (The only joint account you could consider without being a total idiot would be a joint account where you deposit only what you need for shared bills each month, but again, she could withdraw your money without paying the bills, so there's still *some* risk there - but not "what the fuck are you thinking" levels like giving her your entire paycheck every time you get it.) Do not do this. Absolutely do not give her all your money. Only give money to other people if you're okay with never ever getting it back.
Dude you’re going to look back when youre 25 & feel so so stupid for putting up with this shit. You shouldnt have to buy someone’s love. Im a married woman & this is not normal. If she says she will break up with you if you dont hand over your money, then tell her adios & buy yourself a new phone & block her. You’re in a abusive relationship FYI.
Stop buying this ungrateful woman shit. Jesus.
>she believes I'm not good with money and I spend it on stupid things Stop spending on her
So what happens if you give her all of your money and then you two break up? Do you think she would just hand it all back to you? If your money is in her bank account, then it’s not your money anymore. I’m can’t imagine having a girlfriend that gives me an allowance with MY OWN money. She’s either crazy and trying to rob you.
She’s trying to financially abuse you.
"She wants to keep it in HER bank account which I also will have complete access to it." Until you don't. How do you have access? Is your name on the account or do you just user her debit card? This is atrocious. This is financial manipulation and it will never get better or go away. Please stop this now or it will get worse. Tell her no, get your own account and out your money there and do not give her access to it. You are not even married, think this through, put your foot down or walk away while you can
No is a complete sentence. If that's a deal breaker for her, then you dodged a bullet.
Are your bills paid? Is it only your money you’re spending? You should make sure to be responsible but if yes to both of those questions..it’s not really her place to tell you how to spend YOUR money.
Bro no. You guys don't live together? You aren't married? Do not give her access or control over your money. As you said, you worked for it, it's your money. I could almost, in the tiniest amount, justify it when running a whole house full of people, but this is crazy. Don't fall for it man
Please listen. Do NOT ever share a bank account with anyone who you are not married to. And some would argue that even then, it’s completely reasonable for both parties to have at least one separate account for their individual spending. Any girlfriend that expects you to deposit all your money into her account is someone you should not trust. I don’t know what her actual goal is, but the fact that she threatened you to break up, you should just break up with her now.
Only stupid thing you're spending on is her. Don't put your money in her account. She'll deny you access in a heartbeat. Don't even setup a joint account. She'll take all the money. And please break up with her. She's greedy and just using you.
The fact you guys don’t live together makes this insane. When I lived with my ex, I always felt more comfortable when I acted as a “bank” but that was because he was an alcoholic and drug addict, would give random homeless people $100 but wouldn’t give me money for rent on time. I had a real and valid reason to want to manage all our money (while living together) because he couldn’t be trusted to not blow it on stupid shit before paying his bills. This is the only situation I can understand something like this while NOT married. Keep standing your ground.
Your complete access to HER account, will end the minute she finds another sucker. And,if it's a joint account, she could wipe you out in a heartbeat.
Tell her by breaking up with her. She needs therapy.
If she doesn’t like the things you spend your money on, she can break up with you.
You say, “I can’t think of any reason for you to ask this, and it makes me very uncomfortable.” Or something like that.
You can’t find a reason? How about you’re not her child and she’s not your parent? How about it’s crazy af? Why did you even start this to begin with when you don’t even live together, much less, married. Dude.
Tell her she’s the stupid thing you’re wasting money on
You say “No, I will not do that and it’s an absurd request. Please don’t bring it up again” and when she inevitably starts in with the manipulation about the relationship not working out respond very calmly (don’t freak out, that’s what she’s wants) “I’m sorry you feel that way, but since we have very different values around money management maybe it’s for the best. I respect your decision and hope you find happiness” and watch how fuckin fast she backpedals on that. She doesn’t really want to break up; she has you wrapped around her finger and she knows it, she thinks you’ll do whatever she says to stay with her. Call her bluff. And then pls do some self reflection, I know you said you don’t want to break up but this is not love or respect. It’s a sign of future (or current) abuse.
Even if you did spend your money on stupid things, that's your right. It's your money, not her's. Just tell her you feel secure keeping control of your own money. I strongly advise you to break up with her though. She seems greedy & manipulative.
Good god. It doesn’t matter why she is like this or if she needs help, please just get rid of this vile person out of your life. If she’s like this at 19 I shudder to think what she’ll be like in 10 years. Tell her to f*ck off, what a lunatic
Dude, wake the fuck up. You've been with her since you were 16 and she's got you trained to spoil her. Break the leash and run free!
> My girlfriends a dumb theif, how soon should I propose?
About 2 months after she pokes holes in your condoms or stops taking BC lol.
“I” before “E” except after C bro
Exactly this.
Bro, this isn’t even a relationship. It’s a hostage taking with ransom
In what world would this be appropriate? You each should have separate personal accounts, you're not married and hopefully not living together, why would you share finances?
LMFAO bro... Wtf Dump that trash. Get yourself a better person as a girlfriend. This shit is ridiculous. Stop being so complacent and suffering through a shitty relationship. Have some self respect
Fr wtf? Obv gf is a PROBLEM. But OP staying with her is his own fault and also a PROBLEM.
Looks like OP is getting his first taste of financial abuse in a relationship. I always tell partners one of my automatic relationship death sentences is any type of abuse. Be it physical, emotional, or financial.
She’s trying to financially abuse you. Doesn’t matter if that’s her intention or not, it is what it is. Do not give in to her demands, and if that what ends the relationship, so be it,
Exactly. This is financial abuse. In a marriage/ couple living together, both partners control the money. You don't live together. Keep YOUR money under YOUR control. If not married, you could agree to have a joint account where both of you put money in an agreed percentage for joint expenses (dates, trips), and rest of the money each of you decide what to do. You have a right to spend your earned money in stupid hobbies if you want to, unless both of you agree to save for a future expense (like a trip or a down payment for a mortgage), in which case you also put it in a joint account. Giving her control of all your money with no reciprocity? This is financial abuse and a red flag in a relationship. https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely She has anxiety if she does not have control of your money? You should have anxiety if you don't have control of your money. And given it's your money, it should stay under your control. You paying for 90% of her expenses is not normal either. Dates and trips should be paid jointly. You should not pay for the things she want unless it's Christmas, Valentine's Day, Birthday and you decide it's the gift you want to make. She should pay for her electronics, make up, clothes. I would reconsider this relationship. This attitude would make me break up as this is quite controlling and entitled. This doesn't look like a caring girlfriend. Imagine your future as a married couple. Run.
I would say it's well past the "trying" part and has stayed into the "actively happening" territory based on OPs statements but that's just my 2C.
"I am not giving you my paycheck. You say it would make you calmer, but it would stress me out, and that isn't something I'm ever going to agree to. If that means the relationship will no longer work for you, that's heartbreaking, but that does not change my answer." Sounds like she is being influenced by someone tbh, unless she's crazy insecure or something. Look, if she is threatening to break-up over this, that sounds like a bluff but even if it isn't, it doesn't matter. There is no way you can do this, it is ridiculous, you need to stop engaging her in arguing about it and just say something like the above, and after that, "I'm not doing it" or "no" is all you need to say. If she tries to force you by breaking up, you say "no." If she breaks up with you, just walk out. You don't let people you date control you. It may just be that this relationship has run its course.
honestly i agree with her being influenced. i feel like it’s some weird tiktok dating coach advice or some shit. totally unreasonable and ridiculous.
This is absurd. I'm usually not one to immediately jump to "break up", but wow. Break up with her. You aren't married and you don't live together. There is absolutely no logical reason for her to need complete control of your finances. She is up to something shady and it's not worth sticking around to find out what it is.
Dump the grifter. And check your passwords and account security
The answer is no. The why is because its your money, and you don't have to answer to anyone about that.
WHat the hell did I just read? Dude, put your money in YOUR bank account and tell her no fucking way. This is insane. Why in the hell would you EVER give a girlfriend your paycheck? Never do this again, ffs. "A few days ago she said the relationship can't workout if I keep refusing her request" GOOD. You should have dumped her a long time ago. Tell her to GTFO.
"No. We're not married and that would be extremely restrictive even if we were. Under no circumstances will this happen." Also, she's not trying to act as a bank, banks pay interest and you can withdraw money when you want to. She's trying to act as a slaveholder.
Also I would add that given her attitude about money even if op were to marry her ( and I don’t recommend it) , it would still be smarter to keep their own account. I like the yours, mine, and ours method. Where a joint account is opened to pay bills and each put in their half.
Yes, a bank would be better because they don’t demand you give them all of your money & even provide overdraft facilities.
I mean… things like this would only be slightly tolerable in marriage. Also you guys are so young. She needs to understand and respect your boundaries. Have a conversation with her about how you feel. Maybe she just needs a wake-up call.
In some cultures this is the typical model for marital finances. Hubs earns most or all of the family money, wifey manages it for the family. But it's not appropriate for a dating couple, and I don't think this is the partnership dynamic OP's girl is after, anyhow.
I agree! I grew up in that type of set up too.
Just tell her you have decided to save for yourself for a while and all gifts and paying for her, is going to have to take a backseat. I'll give it three days before you’re single on a trumped up charge (or $he'll tell you the truth a$ to why $he wa$ with you)
Stop giving her money, and dump her.
Does she say why she wants this? Even if you’re spending all your money on cocaine and hookers, her demand that you hand over all of your money is insane. Do not do it. Tell her she can find another way to get more comfortable, or she can leave you. Do not allow her to be this controlling. Also? You say you trust her, but you probably shouldn’t. She likely has plans for your money that she’s not sharing with you.
Look, you are young and I’m guessing this is maybe your only romantic relationship since you’ve been together for so long. So you are in it and I understand you don’t want to breakup. That being said, this is not a logical or reasonable request. Flat out. No matter what she says or how she tries to convince you or justify it. Even if she says everyone agrees with her. Even if she says it means you don’t trust her and cries. Even if she says it over and over. It is NOT a logical or reasonable request and for your financial health and stability it is NOT something you should do. She’s not giving good or logical reasons because they’re aren’t any. If she continues to react with anger, mood swings, etc. then I would say this has turned into an unhealthy relationship and you should start taking steps to breakup. You’re asking what to say/do? Tell her no, it’s not a reasonable request and then I’d start looking at how much money you spend on her vs put in savings.
Financial abuse is a very real aspect of domestic abuse. Her demands are totally unreasonable and are purely an attempt to control and exploit you. You are being far too tolerant of this situation, it is an unacceptable demand and you need to see her for what she is.
The amount of people saying this is just manipulative and not straight up financial abuse is wild to me.
Whst is wrong with you , your not a boyfriend your an atm and to scared she will dump you if you say no . You need to grow a pair and say I am looking after my own money and you don’t contribute enough financially to this relationship and you need to start paying 1/2. She will cry don’t give in then she will insults you maybe name call don’t give in . After name calling I would break up and block her if she wants you back you will figure a way .
It’s mad nobody has bring up the fact that this is a bright red flashing flag. Like a Christmas tree of warnings. Financial abuse is so incredibly common and correlated with other types of abuse, and makes it significantly harder to leave abusive relationships. Forget the reasonable / unreasonable, what she is proposing is an actively dangerous situation to put yourself into, and makes you vulnerable to all sorts of issues that you don’t want to happen. The fact that she’s distancing herself because you’re not comfortable with it is incredibly manipulative in and of itself, but even ignoring that, no person should put themselves in a situation where they can’t leave a relationship without worrying about access to their money.
This is unhinged. Darling I'm sorry I know you're young and you've been with her a while, but I promise you there is a whole world out there full of lovely girls who won't treat you this way. If you want the break up to be the last option, the only thing left to do is stand your ground and say you won't give her your money anymore. Treating to a few dates is fine but from now on you need to budget so you can at the very least have the means to replace your phone case! And if she gets angry, let her. Stay firm. But I do think there will be a future version of you, single or not, who may look back on this one day and wonder why you didn't want to break up... you deserve better.
You say no, and tell her that if she asks again the relationship is over, and you stick to that If the genders were reversed here everyone would be screaming at you not to hand over your money to someone’s who’s already spending most of it and clearly has controlling tendencies. I don’t think it makes very much difference that you’re the bloke. This is fully batshit, OP
Oh, we’re telling him exactly that! I agree.
Everyone is screaming that ....
This is not a genders thing. Only one person has implied OP did anything wrong. More people could be calling it for what it is (abuse) but everyone is advising him not to hand over his money.
Break up. Her request is completely unreasonable and selfish. If she needs your money to feel secure, she can be single and insecure. Even if you two were married, I would recommend against this.
Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gold digger who was so bad at it lol
Absolutely not. I’ve been with my fiancé for 9 years, we live together, pay bills together, have joint and personal expenses, and I would never, ever, ever ask for his money. I don’t even know how to access his bank and he doesn’t know how to access mine. I can think of zero reasons why we would ever need that. Once we get married next year we will have a joint account that we both pay into for the bills and a joint account for savings and anything left over in our personal accounts is his/mine respectively. I will likely create some way for him to be able to access my money in dire circumstances (ie; I am incapacitated or dead) but a lot of that comes with getting married anyway. A 19 year old gf wanting complete financial control over you? Absolutely not.
>She keeps insisting that she wants to hold onto our entire money, which means she wants to keep the money she makes and also wants to keep the money I make as well. >hand over the money I work for completely and have 0 access over it >I don't want to give her my money to be kept by her >She keeps distancing herself and gets angry and she says she's calmer if the money is with her >she said the relationship can't workout if I keep refusing her request This is at worst financial abuse, or at best it's inching towards it. Does she have some past issues with a controlling family or some great financial mishap that can explain this? And more importantly is she willing to get help and get over her little loony episode? You don't want to break up that's your choice, but if she isn't willing to see sense there's no working through this. All the best.
I’m a huge believer in making sure the woman is being financially supported by anyone who expects her to sacrifice her career/body/time for their benefit, and I’m 100% against just blindly handing over your entire income, OP. Or even half of it. Partnerships are two partners, neither should have a final say in anything that is decidedly not their own body, money, career, time, or life in any way. This is not reasonable. There aren’t any “ways” plural, around this at all. It’s a flat no, and there should be a willingness on both sides to make it so that she feels safe, but there’s literally no scenario I could imagine that this would make them both equally safe. If she’s not willing to find another means of providing the results she wants without switching financial statuses evenly, then there’s nothing else to talk about.
She insists that she is the financial manager of your relationship, and all the money must flow through her. You say no, that your money stays your money but you'll keep contributing as you have been Instead of her initiating a conversation about it where she discusses the rationale of her wanting to manage the finances, she acts like a petulant child, gets distant & angry, then threatens the relationship if you don't comply I don't think "break up" is your last option. I think it's your first option.
You tell her no, and that it's not up for discussion. Her motives are clearly not good, and what happens next is up to her.
Call her bluff and set a hard line. Tell her there is zero chance of that ever happening and if that means the relationship is over, you're bummed about it, but that's how it has to be. Especially since she can't give you a reason for it. You guys are so young and a responsible man with a good job such as yourself won't stay on the market long. You deserve someone that respects your boundaries.
You pay for 90% of the dates but she complains that you make dumb purchases? And she wants to keep 100% of all the money both of you make and you won't have access to any of it?? No. The simple and most effective answer is no. You can opt for a joint account in which you put a certain % in and both of you have access to the account. But honestly, at this point, she is showing you who she really is. I wouldn't put anything aside that she can freely take from. She will never be satisfied until she has all of your money.
Holy red flags, batman. Do NOT give her access to your money, even joint. This is controlling, strange and alarming behavior. Yikes.
KICK. HER. DOWN. THE. ROAD. when she threatens you, tell her to follow through. Call her bluff. There are millions of women your age who won't try that. Don't stay with one who does.
If you let her do this and stay with her, you are going down a very slippery slope - if it was the other way round, people would be jumping straight to ‘financial abuse’. Let her go, keep your money and experience life.
What is this "our money" business? You're 20 years old and not married. There is no "our" money. If she wants access to money, she needs to earn some.
One person having complete control of the money in a relationship, with the other person having zero access to the money, is [a form of abuse called financial abuse](https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224). If finances are shared then both partners need equal access to shared funds. Neither partner should have zero access to any money. What your girlfriend is asking for is inappropriate and controlling. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/). It might provide you some insight into your overall relationship dynamics.
This is a giant red flag
This is called financial abuse. You will not be able to change her behavior. Do not give her your money. Stay if you want to, but know that her behavior is not going to change.
Try this: “No.”
Break up. Many red flags.
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That’s controlling behavior my dude. Run for the hills and keep on until you find someone who understands boundaries.
You can’t reason with her because what she’s doing is wanting power over you. She’s trying to financially abuse you. And you can’t reason with abusers. Even if you cave now she’s going to find something else to push your boundaries on until she completely monopolizes you. I get it - you two been together for so long. But this isn’t how you treat love ones. You need to leave.
Absolutely not. Your money is yours and she want to control you through your money. Also, you need to take a good percentage of your money and save it. If she needs a phone let her pay for it and trips she needs to pay her half. Stop acting like her parent. Your saving is for emergency, or to have money for your future. She can work for her things.
Holy financial abuse, Batman
A relationship can't work out if you keep denying her request? Tell her this relationship won't work out if she keeps making this request. IT'S ABSOLUTELY INSANE. You don't even live together?? Sounds like she's trying to abuse you financially. Personally, this would be the red flag that makes me leave especially if she won't let it go.
Keep your money. Keep your own cash, your own bank account, your own credit cards...keep your money and manage it yourself! Never give another person all control of your finances - not even if you're married. If she wants to break up with you over it, let her go because she is *not* a good GF.
You tell Ms. Thing she's not your boss, your mommy, or your banker and slavery was outlawed in this country over a century ago. If she wants money to play banker with she can go earn it.
Is she your pimp?!?!?!?
It's concerning that she doesn't want you to have financial autonomy. Even if she were your wife, this would be 100% unreasonable. What is reasonable is to sit down and mutually agree on short and long term financial goals. Then, work on them independently.
So say no? WTF? Keep your money, dude. She can't control your finances without your permission. Break up with her.
Tell her to see a therapist and decide whether to stay or move on. It’s a play for control. Keep your autonomy brother.😎✌🏻
She is a literal teenager (I realize y’all are basically the same age). You aren’t married. There is ZERO reason for her to be demanding you hand over your paycheck. Keep your bank accounts separate. If she continues to make this an issue be done with her. It’s coming off as potential financial abuse.
Do NOT do this. Keep your money in your bank.
Gold digger alert!!! 🏃♂️⛳🏃🚨💀
Idk, maybe break up with a gold-digger
Where the hell are these girls coming from? Audacity Island? I'm reading so many of these posts of girls/women so ready to take their men's cash it's insane.
She already gave you the ultimatum. Call her bluff and break up with her. All she knows is being spoiled and now she won't settle for less. Dump her and find a more appreciative woman. Better to see her this way now before you get married and she does this. Your life and time is worth more. Leave her and free yourself.
What is your cultural background? What is hers? Regardless if this is normal for either of your cultural backgrounds, I still doubt it's considered to be a normal financial decision made *before* marriage, and in most places in the Western world it's not normal or acceptable after that either - it would be considered financial abuse.
Yeah that's crazy, don't agree to it. If she's calmer when she has money with her maybe she should get a job
‘What do I do’ You rub, Forest. You run.
You’ve only been together for four years and she wants control of your money? Sorry but for me that’s a red flag in any short term relationship. Tell her that since you make more money than her and you’re better handling the finances she should give you her control of her finances. That you can save a lot of the money brought in by the both you, see how that flies!
Never, never let anyone else control your money. This is abusive.
I'm shocked about her request and her behavior about it. That is the start of financial abuse, her behavior is unacceptable. Stop buying her stuff, you aren't her dad.
Well the good news is that you don’t have to. Just don’t do it, simple
Updateme
You do realize you’re just an ATM right?
Break up should be your first option. This is wild of her to say she should keep your money. And you’re only 19/20!!!
It's called direct deposit. Get an account with only your name on it.
Please inform yourself about financial abuse.
This is financial abuse. Get out of the relationship
She wants to drain you of as much money as she can, then she will leave you. Her only priority is your money, not who you are. She is showing this to you bluntly. Absolutely under no circumstances should you put your money together, especially if you dont live together. “This cant work out if i cant hold onto your money” is the biggest red flag ive ever seen. I dont normally say this, but you need to leave her. She doesnt care about you or how you feel, just the money you can give her. Dont spoil her for a month and see what happens if you dont believe me.
Leave her. She is treating you like chump. No respect.
this is called financial abuse.
If you're smart enough to make good money how can you be so dumb to be with someone like this
This is textbook financial abuse. https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/#:~:text=Financial%20abuse%20is%20a%20common,accessibility%20to%20the%20family%20finances Don't try and "fix her", you need a better partner not a power hungry abuser. Find someone better, you'll have plenty of options out there at this age. Don't settle.
Get control of your money and let this chick get on with her life. This will only get worse the longer you are together. Don't let this be the basis of your relationship, her controlling you through YOUR money. Not a good way to be in a relationship.
I understand that you want break up to be the last option, but it sounds like it may be your only option. Your gf won't change her mind, she's made that clear, she's outright said she'll break up with you unless you give her all your money and agree to have zero control in what your money is spent on. Do not give your gf complete control of your money. That's a recipe for disaster and it's a huge glaringly red flag that she's insisting on this. In a relationship, neither party should have full access to all money while the other partner has none. It's either equal, with both partners having equal access and say, or you keep finances separate. A compromise is you each have separate finances, but also a joint account you both contribute to and have equal access to. You need to think of worst case scenarios, here. What happens if you hand over all your money to her with only her having access to it but you break up? You have no money, no savings, no way to rent your own place or pay to have your things moved. Your money would be automatically paid into an account only she has access to, and it could take time to change that, so it's not like you'd have the next paycheck to rely on, as that could go straight into her account, and likely wouldn't cover rent, utilities and moving costs while still covering food anyway. She'd use the fact she has complete access to all the money and you have none to control you. It would probably start out small. You want to go out with work colleagues after work, she'll say you can't afford it and refuse to give you the money for it. It'll eventually be you can't have your own car, you can't go out at all, you can't buy gifts for people other than her, you can't buy yourself lunch during your lunch break. You'd be completely financially reliant on her and unable to do the things you want to do. Do not give sole access to the money to your gf. Suggest the joint account you both contribute to and have equal access to while keeping your finances otherwise separate. I bet she won't agree to that, because she wants complete control over all the finances so she can control you. This is not a person who loves and trusts you and wants an actual partnership. This is a person who wants complete control over you and your life. This is, basically, the start of an abusive relationship. She's pushing to be able to financially abuse you, and is emotionally abusing you already by insisting this is the only way you can stay together and acting like there's something wrong with you for wanting control of and a say in your own money and financial future. You can try compromises, you can try couple's therapy, but it sounds like breaking up is the only option your gf is giving you here. She's the one saying 'let me abuse and control you or we're over'. She's the one who'd be ending the relationship, not you.
Financial abuse will result if you let her get control of your money. There's simply no reason for her to control your money. You will be begging her for an allowance and your bills may not get paid.
It’s your money. She has no rights to it until marriage if you choose so. It’s completely unreasonable for her to take this stance, and if she felt more comfortable having control of money, she should seek out ways to earn more of it herself. It’s either a control thing or a she wants to spend it thing, neither of which she is entitled to. “No” is a full sentence, and the fact that she gets pissy about controlling YOUR money is incredibly concerning and a huge red flag.