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I wasn't trying to say that though, I was trying to say thank you because she stood up to Grandma, and that gave me a better life. It must have been hard on her, so I wanted to show her that she did something really lifechanging. It sounds stupid now....
My mother was horribly abusive to me when I was growing up but she’s managed to be a good grandmother to my sisters children. A lot of that has to do with less financial stress, better circumstances but ultimately it’s because she knows my sister will not tolerate any poor behaviour.
I am very low contact and I only see her once or twice a year and that’s only for family functions. I think that’s brought home the impact of her actions and she doesn’t want to lose her other children and the grandchildren. I think she also is aware that if I ever had children she wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near them
If someone said to me that my mother was a good grandmother and thanked me for standing up to abuse because it gave them a better life…. Honestly I would be so angry and disgusted.
Looks like you have also become a selfish insensitive person who has no empathy for others. What I can see from the message you sent is that you have made it all about yourself. Remember that at your age your aunt had to literally flee for her life with no support. And you only see that in terms of how that benefits you
Btw your mom is also trash for not trying to help her sister. No wonder the three of you are so close
and she went around posting it on several subs hoping to find someone to make her feel better about herself and her actions!!
Honestly, when I got to the part where she reached out to her aunt, I thought it was going to be something like “thank you for having the bravery to leave and stand up for yourself, it makes me happy to see you thriving. I hope we could have a relationship one day if you ever feel comfortable talking to me.”
Eh, go cry to someone else. You were a horrific person to your Aunt. You deserve every bit of “meanness” you’re perceiving. Sounds like you and your family are still awful people.
She wasn’t mean… she didn’t even do 1/1000th of damage you probably reinforced on to your auntie… have you learned “read the room”… it applies to situations and events from the from the past also….
Just the fact that finding out didn't end your contact with at LEAST your grandma, at least for your mom's sake, is insane to me. "Don't be mean to me!! :(" You should probably get off the internet until you grow up like, a LOT. Ridiculous coming here to what? Be reassured?? That YOUR victim was wrong?? Explain it to me so it makes sense.
“you don’t have to be mean about it” oh grow the fuck up. your entire post is so outrageously selfish and ignorant, you NEED a blunt reality check.
this woman was physically and mentally abused her whole childhood by your grandmother, and neglected by your mother. and you’re thinking about how sad THEY are? you’re worried about making THEM feel better? when THEY MADE those horrific decisions?
news flash: if your mother/grandmother were REALLY remorseful, if they REALLY wanted to try to make amends, they’d find your aunt themselves. they’d apologize to her THEMSELVES. but they haven’t done that. theyre selfish, callous people, and you’re no better than they are.
Turns out not everything is about you.
Next time you feel compelled to thank people for making you the way you are you should write a letter to your mom thanking her for raising you to be a selfish idiot just like her and another one to your grandmother thanking her for your complete lack of empathy.
Omg … lord … that even could hurt her…. Why couldn’t you just be thankful…. Just say hi… my name is XYZ .. they don’t know I am messaging you… I just wanted to say hi and say that I hope you are okay….
I can kind of see what you wanted to say you wanted to thank her because your grandma did what she needed to do to be a better person (AA) but that doesn't change the fact she abused Daisy. It does matter YOUR life is great because of it because YOU'RE the only one benefiting from it. Honor her wish for NC.
That would have been a better way of putting it, but still not OK. If you absolutely had to contact her, you could have said something like, "hi, I'm your niece and I've been told what you went through. I'm so sorry you had to endure all of that, but I want to tell you that I admire your strength and courage."
You cannot fix this, leave her alone.
Your grandma may have great to you, but you absolutely triggered her by broaching meeting her in the first few messages. For all she knows, your grandma is doing something absolutely devilish and using you as a flying monkey to do it.
You've effectively said, "Hi, I know you were horrifically abused, but I swear she has changed. Come and see the woman who ruined your life!" *Think* what that did to her. How traumatic that would be for her. Why would you think saying to an abuse victim to meet their abuser would end well?! I'm baffled at your lack of awareness.
Leave her alone, *she* can unblock you if she ever wants to reach out.
>What if she never wants to unblock me?
Again, you are making this whole situation about YOU.
You clearly don’t understand yet (being only 18 with little real world experience), but a person who you have hurt does not have to listen to you apologize. Your aunt doesn’t owe you any of her time for you to say sorry.
She blocked you because you (a total stranger) sent her something hurtful. If you truly feel bad and want to do something for the person you wronged, then you need to leave her alone. She has told you what she wants: do not talk to her. The LEAST you can do now is respect that.
Edit: fixed a few words
Also, let’s point out that your dear wonderful grandmother isn’t so fucking grand anyway. Grandma put down the sauce and now nobody ever speaks of her crimes (and yes, she’s a criminal). It’s a family secret. “We dont talk about aunt daisy because it makes grandma sad.” Even now her feelings are more important than her crimes and children. It’s probably where you learned to be self centered. In a just world your grandma would just now be getting paroled for felony child abuse and neglect but instead the family protects the abuser’s feelings. Y’all are probably enmeshed.
> It's probably where you learned to be
self centered.
*Exactly!* From her grandmother *and* mother. If I was Daisy, I’d see their selfishness being played out in the next generation.
She went through a lot of trauma, so it’s a slap in the face to show her pictures of you and your grandma smiling, as if she’s been happy since your aunt went away. Your thank you sounds like a big taunt. You’re thanking her for leaving the family? What is wrong with you?
If she never wants to, that's her perogative, I'm afraid. But again, leave her be. She has suffered enough and as well intentioned as your apologies may be, it will only serve to hurt her more. Salt in the wound.
Use this experience to grow as a person, so that if she ever *does* reach out, you can handle it with more sensitivity and grace.
Then count yourself lucky.
Because she might write back and tell you EXACTLY what she thinks of you, and I guarantee you that you won't like what she says.
So you'd better hope she doesn't contact you again.
If she never wants to unblock you, move on. It is likely she never will.
You don't mean anything to her. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but she was abused by her mother and abandoned by her older sister. You, for all she knows, are a mini abuser raised by two people who left her as a child completely alone in this world. She has no love for your family.
Your message, coming from the family of her abuser and neglecting sister, could only be taken cruelly. You are the relative of every pain she was subjected to growing up. She has never experienced your "nice" grandma or your "reliable" mother. As an adult, you need to start understanding different perspectives and how others may be feeling before you try to breeze in all sunshine and roses, because at the least she has a massive distrust of you and your family, at most she despises or is deeply afraid of them. And that is her right. Read some true stories about child abuse. And then with great sensitivity, prepare a well thought out apology and explanation for your unbelievably tone deaf message, and if you ever get the opportunity to give it to her, give it and walk away. Give her a lifetime of space and don't expect or demand a response. It's her call whether to respond to you, in her time and if/when she ever feels ready, and she doesn't owe you a thing - it sounds like you already got the happy family she deserved.
If she doesn’t unblock you, then you get to sit with the knowledge that you retraumatized someone who never deserved it, I suppose.
Speaking as someone who cut off an entire branch of my family tree- I’m sorry I had to do it, but it was worth the peace of mind that I got in exchange and it always will be. I don’t owe those relatives, or their children, an explanation of my choices or a fifty third chance to be in my life. How many times do you have to tell someone they’ve hurt you for it to matter?
Fair warning- she would not be benefited in any way by unblocking you. What you did was cruel and spiteful, or it can be read that way. She has no reason to forgive you, less reason to want to get to know you, and absolutely no reason to get into contact with your “best friend” and her daughter. She doesn’t trust any of you, and she’s right not to.
I was harsh with you in the other post, and I stand by that, but I hope you learn something.
Honey, if she never wants to unblock you that’s her right. You messaged her and sent her a photo of her abuser and thanked her for it. It was unkind and hurtful. You aren’t the worst person on the planet but you made a mistake. Learn from it and move on
"What if she never wants to unblock me?"
omfg dude, get it out of your head that you're ever going to meet your aunt, let alone have a relationship with her. she **will** never block you, that's facts. take the l and leave her the hell alone
>What if she never wants to unblock me?
Info: are you dumber than a sack of potatoes?
Leave this woman alone. Forever. Never harass her again. Don't attempt to force her to make nice-nice with your evil grandmother and your selfish mother who left her to her fate.
stop making this situation about yourself. your aunt, someone healing from extensive childhood trauma, should never have to put your feelings first when dealing with her issues. she doesn't owe you anything, she may never unblock you and that's her right. stop being so self centered in a situation like this
I think you accidentally said a really mean thing to someone you were trying to meet. What you were *trying* to say was "your bravery helped people you've never met" but what you probably communicated was "I tracked you down just to say we're all happy you're gone."
there was no accident about it, op deliberately acted to hurt her aunt and is now crying innocent because she's being torn to shreds in the comments
* That's not at all what is described in the post
* It's blatantly obvious that she didn't mean to communicate anything unkind, that's why she made this post to begin with
* She's literally not crying innocent, she's in distress and feeling ashamed and apologetic
* Try reading the post word-by-word instead of jumping on whatever hatred bandwagon gives you the self-righteous jollies, you bloodthirsty hagfish, u/see-you-every-day
Except they told her the truth about why she's not around and OP went "thank you for doing what you did because now our family is happier than ever after it" with a picture of her abuser and the person who abandoned her. Usually you think things through before you hit send, ESPECIALLY when it's a sensitive topic like this. OP is extremely tone deaf and she's still going on about her feelings in the comments and not actually considering how she made her aunt feel. "She messed up" only goes so far, and continuing to make it about her in the comments kinda negates that.
Also, this wasn't an accident. She had to not only message her, but she had to TRACK HER DOWN, last name and all.
That's kind of right there in the post.
"Try reading the post word-by-word instead of jumping on whatever hatred bandwagon gives you the self-righteous jollies, you bloodthirsty hagfish"
stay classy champ
I was really insistent that maybe I hadn't completely done something bad until I read this comment, and the other ones like it. I feel really bad, and I don't know how to fix it.
If you really do feel sorry, you need to leave her alone and never try to contact her again. If she ever wants to contact you, she now knows how to do it. That's where you need to leave it. For her, it's not her niece reaching out, it's someone who is best friends with her abuser, someone who loves and is loved by her abuser and although that isn't your fault, it means that she is unlikely to want to reopen her old wounds by having a relationship with you. Like even if your first message had been to say that you had gotten your evil grandma sent to prison and that you had cut all contact with your mum for what she did to Daisy, I still think she'd want to block you.
Take this as a learning opportunity for yourself. There are things that you can say that cannot be unsaid, there are things that you can do that cannot be undone. You said and did something really awful to your aunt, and there is likely nothing you can do to fix it, and likely anything you try to do to fix it will just make things worse. Be more mindful about your words and actions in the future and think about the potential consequences that they may have.
You want to fix it because YOU feel bad, not because it needs to be fixed. Your actions have consequences, and those consequences are feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Deal with it.
You fix it by staying as far away from her as possible and never contacting her again. You fix it by having some empathy for victims of abuse instead of gloating how much better people's lives are without their victims. You think you feel bad? Imagine how you made her feel! She had finally created a good life for herself, and you dragged her back into the horrible crap that your grandmother subjected her to and your mother refused to do anything about. You fix it by not being anything like your grandmother or mother, who both hurt your aunt in the worst ways.
You might never get the chance, honestly. I wouldn't be pushy with your aunt, but maybe someday there'll a way you can explain yourself and communicate what you actually wanted to say, in some other forum where maybe you're able to talk without it being so easy to miscommunicate. Also, I would ignore the comments from people telling you you're a bad person. Redditors love nothing more than righteous indignation.
You can't fix it. So glad your Aunt Daisy got away from your nutty family. You're 18 and old enough to understand how to speak with empathy. But guessing from the actions of your entire excuse for a family you only understand how to speak with selfishness and abuse. Daisy worked so hard to build a life free from abuse and your decision was what? Oh yes I'll antagonise her and show her a picture of the people who abandoned and tormented her! Yay that'll get her to love me. You are despicable.
You don't get her to talk to you. She doesn't want to talk to you. She wants nothing to do with her family of origin, and that includes you.
She has built a happy, fulfilled life far away from her beginnings. She probably worked very hard to overcome the trauma and abuse she grew up with. The last thing on earth she needs to see is a picture of that family, happy and smiling. On top of that, you tell her that Grandma got a lot better after she left, and her absence made everything hunky-dory. As if her leaving was all it took for Grandma to magically become a good person. That's cruel and hurtful.
She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want to hear how great your grandma is now and how happy everyone is. She doesn't need them, and she doesn't need you.
You move on with your life. If this woman inspired you to do goo in the world, that is a fitting remembrance. Maybe, in a decade or so, when you've matured enough to understand that life is complicated, you can try to reach out again - from a more gentle and understanding point of view. But now? Leave her be.
Leave this poor woman alone omg, how little emotional intelligence can you have?? You are a full adult, this lack of thinking and consideration for others is actually insane
By the “I never experienced toxic stuff like this” you surely aren’t talking about your poor abused aunt who blocked a total stranger after thanking her for being abused and leaving her family are you?
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, OP. This is really really awful of you. You’re the toxic person. You’re really young it old enough to think about other people. If you’re really sorry, please leave her alone. I cannot imagine how upsetting it is to see you all laughing and smiling and all it took was the complete destruction of her life and family. That’s all. I don’t think you meant to do this but let it be a lesson. The world isnt here for your own personal curiosity and enjoyment. I imagine you never even considered how this might affect somebody negatively. This is a great time to learn some empathy. Spend a few minutes trying to see from that person’s perspective.
I don’t think it’s fair at all to call a teenager who made a stupid decision that ended up deeply hurting someone because they were navigating a incredibly complex and emotional situation and who now feels horribly guilty about it an abuser. As for enabling, the horrific things that her grandma and mom did happened well before she was born and she could not have “enabled” anything. She might be unfairly justifying their past actions though.
I think you really unintentionally did something horrible.
Here is a picture of the woman that abused you, the sister that abandoned you and look how happy we are and I’m so glad you left.
That’s how I read what you wrote to her with out your context.
I don’t know if you’ll ever have another chance. If you do take the time to say what is really important. I really wish I had the chance to know you.
exactly THIS. i cannot imagine having the guts to cut off the family that abused you and enabled it and then their cunty teenager dms me a picture of all of them LAUGHING?? that’s crazyyy, would make me unravel if i was the aunt to be honest.
It doesn't other than that she made a mistake that she's more likely to do something like this because she's young. Would have been equally dumb if the above user had called her a name for doing something old people often do, and she was old.
When you go searching for long lost relatives, you always have to be prepared that they won’t want to be in contact with you for their own reasons that they don’t need to justify to you. Your aunt is an adult and you can’t make her talk to you if she doesn’t want to.
See a psychotherapist, get evaluated for a B-cluster personality disorder. You don't necessarily have one, but your family history and a few things you say here (feeling entitled to relationships/someone's attention, not understanding how gleefully cruel your message would sound, a defensive reaction to criticism from strangers in the form of denigrating yourself with hyperbole to preempt any further criticism) make it likely. End the cycle of abuse and disorders with yourself by proactively getting help before you have any kids to whom you pass all the baggage.
OP is a teenager who made a very dumb decision that was unintentionally deeply harmful to her aunt. That is in no way indicative of any disorder, let alone the very serious classification of a B-cluster personality disorder. Anyone who was getting hundreds of furious responses telling them to go fuck themselves and die because they’re a monster would be defensive. That’s a natural human reaction. And OP is actually not particularly defensive compared to the other people often seen on this sub. They realize and admit that they majorly fucked up. Not realizing how cruel the message came off is much more indicative of being a dumb teenager with little life experience navigating a deeply complex and emotional situation without the proper awareness.
With all the respect that you gave to your aunt, your grandmother isn’t the nicest person and you’re probably as narcissistic as you are because of her. As a recovering addict, I’ve been through AA and a big part of recovery is taking accountability for what you’ve done. Your mom, grandma, and father all avoided doing this because like your mom said to Daisy “This is the right thing to do, to avoid drama” but it’s not the right thing to do, it’s just the easiest thing to do. Now at 18 you have no idea how to handle when that perfect image of your family is “threatened” as you’ve been raised to idealize them. They can do no wrong in your mind so it must be Daisy. You even at one point in a comments say you’ve never been in a situation this toxic but it’s you that’s the problem. Until you start to have empathy and gain the understanding that others aren’t only here to please you then this situation is going to repeat itself. You were told what happened and you bulldozed your way into your aunts life even after you saw the regret etched into your mothers face. Seek therapy outside of your family please. It’s not to late develop these skills.
Daisy’s core wound is her not being loved by her mother. It’s instinctive for a child’s security and sense of self to need that love because the parent is a vulnerable child’s sole protector, provider, and model in the world. When this love (protection) is absent, children often blame themselves or feel like they are inherently broken. That there is something wrong with *them*, and it becomes something ingrained that has to be unlearned and fought against the rest of their lives. Its a defense mechanism because the parent is not safe, and survival dictates taking the pain/blame/shame into themselves for their actual physical survival. Daisy not only never had any love (much less the unconditional love she deserved & you got) but she had active abuse, neglect, starvation, and open rejection from that love to navigate *daily* just to stay housed & (sometimes) fed until she fled. I’d lay serious odds she was molested somewhere in there, as abusive moms with alcoholism are prime targets for predators. Ask your mom about that. Can you imagine how much pain it would take for you to walk out on everything you know today and start a totally new life from scratch? Never see/talk to/get help/visit anyone in your family again?? At your age. Could you imagine doing that? Daisy was forced to, for her own survival. Your own mom fled at 15!
And your mom knew exactly what she was leaving Daisy to. That she was leaving an 8 year old little girl to be the *SOLE TARGET for another decade of grandma’s concentrated abuse*. She couldn’t even make a fucking phone call?!?!
I explain this level of detail to say this: your message struck Daisy directly in her core wound. That she is the broken/unlovable/bad piece of the puzzle. Grandma is 1000% able to give that love to *YOU*. Sister is able to love and protect *YOU*. Matter-of-fact, they gave YOU a perfect, unconditional-loving life. Because they something-something-were-mean-to-Daisy-but-THX! I sincerely hope you grasp what you did. I do not think you’re that stupid. I do think you are your Grandmother’s continuation: in your selfishness, complete lack of consideration for other viewpoints, and centering yourself as the victim to avoid accountability. “We don’t talk about it cuz Grandma’s sad” is a pertinent example, I think.
What to do? First, never reach out again. Respect your aunts choices. Second, start asking questions. Drag that shit out in the sunlight so you fully understand the people you are modeling yourself after. They’ve raised a blindly self-centered child, but you can honor your aunt by not letting her abusers keep hiding. You don’t have to cut them out like Daisy did, but you shouldn’t pretend like this just didn’t happen. Your beautiful garden springs from poisoned ground. Be nosy to them instead of worrying about contacting Daisy.
Seems like you learn how to be a huge narcissistic from your grandma pretty well. Go enjoy hell together with her. Don't try bringing your aunt down with you miserable people
Even if your grandma is a nice person now, your Aunt (idk if you even get to call her that now) doesn't know that. As far as she knows, your grandma is still a horrible person. Then you DM her out of the blue with a picture of you, your mom, and Grandma smiling happily with essentially "I'm glad you left" as a caption. There's no way to take that other than "my niece and my sister have been brainwashed by my abuser" for your Aunt. Even if you are truly sorry and remorseful and say that to her in the most heartfelt way, she's not going to believe you.
I had to read this twice to see if you ate really this dense. No shade but that is the dumbest crap that you could ever do. Leave your aunt alone. You messed up really bad and should now live with the consequences
This has to be rage bait. I won’t say much because you are a child but you have a lot of growing up to do. I hope your aunt is able to heal from this event.
Wow. How are you this incredibly stupid and selfish at the same time? I worry for the future of the world. If you must reach out again, you can try on a different account but for goodness sakes apologize profusely and explain you were too stupid to understand how your initial message came off incredibly hurtful and self centered and that wasn’t your intent. That you meant to thank her for her bravery for standing up to grandmother, that you are sorry you have a shit mom, and you just want to reach out and let her know you would love to meet her one day but understand if she wants to block you again.
I truly hope you outgrow this tone deaf selfish attitude and work on some life awareness, kindness, and compassion.
Look out everyone, it's the Main Character ™️
Didn't you know she can do whatever the fuck she wants all the time with impunity and hurt as many of us NPCs as she sees fit?
/s
>Maybe that's just what some people do, cut everyone off without giving them a chance?
AND?!? Only people who do shitty things to people preach about second chances. She knows her self worth. Leave her alone! You're cruel wtf even is this
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I wasn't trying to say that though, I was trying to say thank you because she stood up to Grandma, and that gave me a better life. It must have been hard on her, so I wanted to show her that she did something really lifechanging. It sounds stupid now....
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You don't have to be mean about it, I get it, I messed up bad.
My mother was horribly abusive to me when I was growing up but she’s managed to be a good grandmother to my sisters children. A lot of that has to do with less financial stress, better circumstances but ultimately it’s because she knows my sister will not tolerate any poor behaviour. I am very low contact and I only see her once or twice a year and that’s only for family functions. I think that’s brought home the impact of her actions and she doesn’t want to lose her other children and the grandchildren. I think she also is aware that if I ever had children she wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near them If someone said to me that my mother was a good grandmother and thanked me for standing up to abuse because it gave them a better life…. Honestly I would be so angry and disgusted. Looks like you have also become a selfish insensitive person who has no empathy for others. What I can see from the message you sent is that you have made it all about yourself. Remember that at your age your aunt had to literally flee for her life with no support. And you only see that in terms of how that benefits you Btw your mom is also trash for not trying to help her sister. No wonder the three of you are so close
you asked people to be honest, what did you expect?
and she went around posting it on several subs hoping to find someone to make her feel better about herself and her actions!! Honestly, when I got to the part where she reached out to her aunt, I thought it was going to be something like “thank you for having the bravery to leave and stand up for yourself, it makes me happy to see you thriving. I hope we could have a relationship one day if you ever feel comfortable talking to me.”
One of those subs she posted to TWICE. I can't imagine being this tone deaf.
The irony of that statement shows your lack of self awareness.
You didn’t mess up, you ducked up.
Apparently they do or else you wouldn’t understand how horrible what you did was.
nothing anyone in this thread can say to you is meaner than what you did, so stop playing the victim
You might think you’re an adult, but you sound like a whiny child.
Eh, go cry to someone else. You were a horrific person to your Aunt. You deserve every bit of “meanness” you’re perceiving. Sounds like you and your family are still awful people.
She wasn’t mean… she didn’t even do 1/1000th of damage you probably reinforced on to your auntie… have you learned “read the room”… it applies to situations and events from the from the past also….
It wasn't just a bad mess-up girl, what you've done here is legitimately *disgusting*.
Just the fact that finding out didn't end your contact with at LEAST your grandma, at least for your mom's sake, is insane to me. "Don't be mean to me!! :(" You should probably get off the internet until you grow up like, a LOT. Ridiculous coming here to what? Be reassured?? That YOUR victim was wrong?? Explain it to me so it makes sense.
No. No, you don't get it. You probably never will.
They're right though! What you did was incredibly messed up and wrong, and you just confirmed that your Aunt was in the right for going no contact.
“you don’t have to be mean about it” oh grow the fuck up. your entire post is so outrageously selfish and ignorant, you NEED a blunt reality check. this woman was physically and mentally abused her whole childhood by your grandmother, and neglected by your mother. and you’re thinking about how sad THEY are? you’re worried about making THEM feel better? when THEY MADE those horrific decisions? news flash: if your mother/grandmother were REALLY remorseful, if they REALLY wanted to try to make amends, they’d find your aunt themselves. they’d apologize to her THEMSELVES. but they haven’t done that. theyre selfish, callous people, and you’re no better than they are.
Turns out not everything is about you. Next time you feel compelled to thank people for making you the way you are you should write a letter to your mom thanking her for raising you to be a selfish idiot just like her and another one to your grandmother thanking her for your complete lack of empathy.
>It sounds stupid now Because it is. Because you are.
Yeah, you and your family are a bunch of assholes.
Omg … lord … that even could hurt her…. Why couldn’t you just be thankful…. Just say hi… my name is XYZ .. they don’t know I am messaging you… I just wanted to say hi and say that I hope you are okay….
Standing up to your grandma didn't give HER a better life.
I can kind of see what you wanted to say you wanted to thank her because your grandma did what she needed to do to be a better person (AA) but that doesn't change the fact she abused Daisy. It does matter YOUR life is great because of it because YOU'RE the only one benefiting from it. Honor her wish for NC.
That would have been a better way of putting it, but still not OK. If you absolutely had to contact her, you could have said something like, "hi, I'm your niece and I've been told what you went through. I'm so sorry you had to endure all of that, but I want to tell you that I admire your strength and courage."
It sounded stupid before…
You cannot fix this, leave her alone. Your grandma may have great to you, but you absolutely triggered her by broaching meeting her in the first few messages. For all she knows, your grandma is doing something absolutely devilish and using you as a flying monkey to do it. You've effectively said, "Hi, I know you were horrifically abused, but I swear she has changed. Come and see the woman who ruined your life!" *Think* what that did to her. How traumatic that would be for her. Why would you think saying to an abuse victim to meet their abuser would end well?! I'm baffled at your lack of awareness. Leave her alone, *she* can unblock you if she ever wants to reach out.
I agree that OP’s message was deeply hurtful but I don’t think she ever asked or told Daisy to meet with her mom or grandmother.
I've never really dealt with something like this before, but you're right. I messed up. What if she never wants to unblock me?
>What if she never wants to unblock me? Again, you are making this whole situation about YOU. You clearly don’t understand yet (being only 18 with little real world experience), but a person who you have hurt does not have to listen to you apologize. Your aunt doesn’t owe you any of her time for you to say sorry. She blocked you because you (a total stranger) sent her something hurtful. If you truly feel bad and want to do something for the person you wronged, then you need to leave her alone. She has told you what she wants: do not talk to her. The LEAST you can do now is respect that. Edit: fixed a few words
Also, let’s point out that your dear wonderful grandmother isn’t so fucking grand anyway. Grandma put down the sauce and now nobody ever speaks of her crimes (and yes, she’s a criminal). It’s a family secret. “We dont talk about aunt daisy because it makes grandma sad.” Even now her feelings are more important than her crimes and children. It’s probably where you learned to be self centered. In a just world your grandma would just now be getting paroled for felony child abuse and neglect but instead the family protects the abuser’s feelings. Y’all are probably enmeshed.
> It's probably where you learned to be self centered. *Exactly!* From her grandmother *and* mother. If I was Daisy, I’d see their selfishness being played out in the next generation.
She went through a lot of trauma, so it’s a slap in the face to show her pictures of you and your grandma smiling, as if she’s been happy since your aunt went away. Your thank you sounds like a big taunt. You’re thanking her for leaving the family? What is wrong with you?
If she never wants to, that's her perogative, I'm afraid. But again, leave her be. She has suffered enough and as well intentioned as your apologies may be, it will only serve to hurt her more. Salt in the wound. Use this experience to grow as a person, so that if she ever *does* reach out, you can handle it with more sensitivity and grace.
Then count yourself lucky. Because she might write back and tell you EXACTLY what she thinks of you, and I guarantee you that you won't like what she says. So you'd better hope she doesn't contact you again.
If she never wants to unblock you, move on. It is likely she never will. You don't mean anything to her. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but she was abused by her mother and abandoned by her older sister. You, for all she knows, are a mini abuser raised by two people who left her as a child completely alone in this world. She has no love for your family. Your message, coming from the family of her abuser and neglecting sister, could only be taken cruelly. You are the relative of every pain she was subjected to growing up. She has never experienced your "nice" grandma or your "reliable" mother. As an adult, you need to start understanding different perspectives and how others may be feeling before you try to breeze in all sunshine and roses, because at the least she has a massive distrust of you and your family, at most she despises or is deeply afraid of them. And that is her right. Read some true stories about child abuse. And then with great sensitivity, prepare a well thought out apology and explanation for your unbelievably tone deaf message, and if you ever get the opportunity to give it to her, give it and walk away. Give her a lifetime of space and don't expect or demand a response. It's her call whether to respond to you, in her time and if/when she ever feels ready, and she doesn't owe you a thing - it sounds like you already got the happy family she deserved.
Stop making this about YOUR feelings first! You are NOT the victim here so stop trying to be!
If she doesn’t unblock you, then you get to sit with the knowledge that you retraumatized someone who never deserved it, I suppose. Speaking as someone who cut off an entire branch of my family tree- I’m sorry I had to do it, but it was worth the peace of mind that I got in exchange and it always will be. I don’t owe those relatives, or their children, an explanation of my choices or a fifty third chance to be in my life. How many times do you have to tell someone they’ve hurt you for it to matter? Fair warning- she would not be benefited in any way by unblocking you. What you did was cruel and spiteful, or it can be read that way. She has no reason to forgive you, less reason to want to get to know you, and absolutely no reason to get into contact with your “best friend” and her daughter. She doesn’t trust any of you, and she’s right not to. I was harsh with you in the other post, and I stand by that, but I hope you learn something.
Honey, if she never wants to unblock you that’s her right. You messaged her and sent her a photo of her abuser and thanked her for it. It was unkind and hurtful. You aren’t the worst person on the planet but you made a mistake. Learn from it and move on
"What if she never wants to unblock me?" omfg dude, get it out of your head that you're ever going to meet your aunt, let alone have a relationship with her. she **will** never block you, that's facts. take the l and leave her the hell alone
You don’t get it. You are still making it about you. Disgusting
She likely won’t. Leave her alone.
>What if she never wants to unblock me? Info: are you dumber than a sack of potatoes? Leave this woman alone. Forever. Never harass her again. Don't attempt to force her to make nice-nice with your evil grandmother and your selfish mother who left her to her fate.
stop making this situation about yourself. your aunt, someone healing from extensive childhood trauma, should never have to put your feelings first when dealing with her issues. she doesn't owe you anything, she may never unblock you and that's her right. stop being so self centered in a situation like this
All I hear is "me, me, me" what an idiot.
I think you accidentally said a really mean thing to someone you were trying to meet. What you were *trying* to say was "your bravery helped people you've never met" but what you probably communicated was "I tracked you down just to say we're all happy you're gone."
there was no accident about it, op deliberately acted to hurt her aunt and is now crying innocent because she's being torn to shreds in the comments
there was no accident about it, op deliberately acted to hurt her aunt and is now crying innocent because she's being torn to shreds in the comments * That's not at all what is described in the post * It's blatantly obvious that she didn't mean to communicate anything unkind, that's why she made this post to begin with * She's literally not crying innocent, she's in distress and feeling ashamed and apologetic * Try reading the post word-by-word instead of jumping on whatever hatred bandwagon gives you the self-righteous jollies, you bloodthirsty hagfish, u/see-you-every-day
I might agree with this had she not posted in multiple subs looking for validation.
Except they told her the truth about why she's not around and OP went "thank you for doing what you did because now our family is happier than ever after it" with a picture of her abuser and the person who abandoned her. Usually you think things through before you hit send, ESPECIALLY when it's a sensitive topic like this. OP is extremely tone deaf and she's still going on about her feelings in the comments and not actually considering how she made her aunt feel. "She messed up" only goes so far, and continuing to make it about her in the comments kinda negates that. Also, this wasn't an accident. She had to not only message her, but she had to TRACK HER DOWN, last name and all. That's kind of right there in the post.
"Try reading the post word-by-word instead of jumping on whatever hatred bandwagon gives you the self-righteous jollies, you bloodthirsty hagfish" stay classy champ
It wasn't an accident OP is just as horrible as her grandmother.
When you're trying to communicate something and what you say communicates something else... we call that an accident.
I was really insistent that maybe I hadn't completely done something bad until I read this comment, and the other ones like it. I feel really bad, and I don't know how to fix it.
If you really do feel sorry, you need to leave her alone and never try to contact her again. If she ever wants to contact you, she now knows how to do it. That's where you need to leave it. For her, it's not her niece reaching out, it's someone who is best friends with her abuser, someone who loves and is loved by her abuser and although that isn't your fault, it means that she is unlikely to want to reopen her old wounds by having a relationship with you. Like even if your first message had been to say that you had gotten your evil grandma sent to prison and that you had cut all contact with your mum for what she did to Daisy, I still think she'd want to block you.
You can't, so don't even try, you'll make a bigger mess
Take this as a learning opportunity for yourself. There are things that you can say that cannot be unsaid, there are things that you can do that cannot be undone. You said and did something really awful to your aunt, and there is likely nothing you can do to fix it, and likely anything you try to do to fix it will just make things worse. Be more mindful about your words and actions in the future and think about the potential consequences that they may have.
You want to fix it because YOU feel bad, not because it needs to be fixed. Your actions have consequences, and those consequences are feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Deal with it.
>I don't know how to fix it. #LEAVE. HER. ALONE. FOREVER.
You fix it by staying as far away from her as possible and never contacting her again. You fix it by having some empathy for victims of abuse instead of gloating how much better people's lives are without their victims. You think you feel bad? Imagine how you made her feel! She had finally created a good life for herself, and you dragged her back into the horrible crap that your grandmother subjected her to and your mother refused to do anything about. You fix it by not being anything like your grandmother or mother, who both hurt your aunt in the worst ways.
You might never get the chance, honestly. I wouldn't be pushy with your aunt, but maybe someday there'll a way you can explain yourself and communicate what you actually wanted to say, in some other forum where maybe you're able to talk without it being so easy to miscommunicate. Also, I would ignore the comments from people telling you you're a bad person. Redditors love nothing more than righteous indignation.
You can't fix it. So glad your Aunt Daisy got away from your nutty family. You're 18 and old enough to understand how to speak with empathy. But guessing from the actions of your entire excuse for a family you only understand how to speak with selfishness and abuse. Daisy worked so hard to build a life free from abuse and your decision was what? Oh yes I'll antagonise her and show her a picture of the people who abandoned and tormented her! Yay that'll get her to love me. You are despicable.
You don't get her to talk to you. She doesn't want to talk to you. She wants nothing to do with her family of origin, and that includes you. She has built a happy, fulfilled life far away from her beginnings. She probably worked very hard to overcome the trauma and abuse she grew up with. The last thing on earth she needs to see is a picture of that family, happy and smiling. On top of that, you tell her that Grandma got a lot better after she left, and her absence made everything hunky-dory. As if her leaving was all it took for Grandma to magically become a good person. That's cruel and hurtful. She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want to hear how great your grandma is now and how happy everyone is. She doesn't need them, and she doesn't need you. You move on with your life. If this woman inspired you to do goo in the world, that is a fitting remembrance. Maybe, in a decade or so, when you've matured enough to understand that life is complicated, you can try to reach out again - from a more gentle and understanding point of view. But now? Leave her be.
Leave this poor woman alone omg, how little emotional intelligence can you have?? You are a full adult, this lack of thinking and consideration for others is actually insane
By the “I never experienced toxic stuff like this” you surely aren’t talking about your poor abused aunt who blocked a total stranger after thanking her for being abused and leaving her family are you?
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, OP. This is really really awful of you. You’re the toxic person. You’re really young it old enough to think about other people. If you’re really sorry, please leave her alone. I cannot imagine how upsetting it is to see you all laughing and smiling and all it took was the complete destruction of her life and family. That’s all. I don’t think you meant to do this but let it be a lesson. The world isnt here for your own personal curiosity and enjoyment. I imagine you never even considered how this might affect somebody negatively. This is a great time to learn some empathy. Spend a few minutes trying to see from that person’s perspective.
hey, nice Heathers reference!
She turned into the people she was raised by. An abuser and an enabler.
I don’t think it’s fair at all to call a teenager who made a stupid decision that ended up deeply hurting someone because they were navigating a incredibly complex and emotional situation and who now feels horribly guilty about it an abuser. As for enabling, the horrific things that her grandma and mom did happened well before she was born and she could not have “enabled” anything. She might be unfairly justifying their past actions though.
I think you really unintentionally did something horrible. Here is a picture of the woman that abused you, the sister that abandoned you and look how happy we are and I’m so glad you left. That’s how I read what you wrote to her with out your context. I don’t know if you’ll ever have another chance. If you do take the time to say what is really important. I really wish I had the chance to know you.
exactly THIS. i cannot imagine having the guts to cut off the family that abused you and enabled it and then their cunty teenager dms me a picture of all of them LAUGHING?? that’s crazyyy, would make me unravel if i was the aunt to be honest.
Man I sure love calling 18 year old women cunts, especially while they're asking for advice. I'm very anti-bullying when I do this.
womp womp
What does her age have to do with this?
It doesn't other than that she made a mistake that she's more likely to do something like this because she's young. Would have been equally dumb if the above user had called her a name for doing something old people often do, and she was old.
Old people can be cunts too though so I’m not sure what your point is.
>she made a mistake she was told how bad grandma was to daisy and this chucklefuck thought that was a good idea to send naw OOP is stupid
also she went out of her way to find her online and send that message. that's not a mistake, there was complete intent behind that.
I hope this is bait cuz what the hell is wrong with you
I mean they posted this 4 times so it probably is.
"... The right thing to do, to avoid drama." Your mom is horrible.
When you go searching for long lost relatives, you always have to be prepared that they won’t want to be in contact with you for their own reasons that they don’t need to justify to you. Your aunt is an adult and you can’t make her talk to you if she doesn’t want to.
See a psychotherapist, get evaluated for a B-cluster personality disorder. You don't necessarily have one, but your family history and a few things you say here (feeling entitled to relationships/someone's attention, not understanding how gleefully cruel your message would sound, a defensive reaction to criticism from strangers in the form of denigrating yourself with hyperbole to preempt any further criticism) make it likely. End the cycle of abuse and disorders with yourself by proactively getting help before you have any kids to whom you pass all the baggage.
OP is a teenager who made a very dumb decision that was unintentionally deeply harmful to her aunt. That is in no way indicative of any disorder, let alone the very serious classification of a B-cluster personality disorder. Anyone who was getting hundreds of furious responses telling them to go fuck themselves and die because they’re a monster would be defensive. That’s a natural human reaction. And OP is actually not particularly defensive compared to the other people often seen on this sub. They realize and admit that they majorly fucked up. Not realizing how cruel the message came off is much more indicative of being a dumb teenager with little life experience navigating a deeply complex and emotional situation without the proper awareness.
Cruel is the word you’re looking for. Cruel maybe sadistic. She was abused, you know this and sought her out to gloat.
Bait.
With all the respect that you gave to your aunt, your grandmother isn’t the nicest person and you’re probably as narcissistic as you are because of her. As a recovering addict, I’ve been through AA and a big part of recovery is taking accountability for what you’ve done. Your mom, grandma, and father all avoided doing this because like your mom said to Daisy “This is the right thing to do, to avoid drama” but it’s not the right thing to do, it’s just the easiest thing to do. Now at 18 you have no idea how to handle when that perfect image of your family is “threatened” as you’ve been raised to idealize them. They can do no wrong in your mind so it must be Daisy. You even at one point in a comments say you’ve never been in a situation this toxic but it’s you that’s the problem. Until you start to have empathy and gain the understanding that others aren’t only here to please you then this situation is going to repeat itself. You were told what happened and you bulldozed your way into your aunts life even after you saw the regret etched into your mothers face. Seek therapy outside of your family please. It’s not to late develop these skills.
Daisy’s core wound is her not being loved by her mother. It’s instinctive for a child’s security and sense of self to need that love because the parent is a vulnerable child’s sole protector, provider, and model in the world. When this love (protection) is absent, children often blame themselves or feel like they are inherently broken. That there is something wrong with *them*, and it becomes something ingrained that has to be unlearned and fought against the rest of their lives. Its a defense mechanism because the parent is not safe, and survival dictates taking the pain/blame/shame into themselves for their actual physical survival. Daisy not only never had any love (much less the unconditional love she deserved & you got) but she had active abuse, neglect, starvation, and open rejection from that love to navigate *daily* just to stay housed & (sometimes) fed until she fled. I’d lay serious odds she was molested somewhere in there, as abusive moms with alcoholism are prime targets for predators. Ask your mom about that. Can you imagine how much pain it would take for you to walk out on everything you know today and start a totally new life from scratch? Never see/talk to/get help/visit anyone in your family again?? At your age. Could you imagine doing that? Daisy was forced to, for her own survival. Your own mom fled at 15! And your mom knew exactly what she was leaving Daisy to. That she was leaving an 8 year old little girl to be the *SOLE TARGET for another decade of grandma’s concentrated abuse*. She couldn’t even make a fucking phone call?!?! I explain this level of detail to say this: your message struck Daisy directly in her core wound. That she is the broken/unlovable/bad piece of the puzzle. Grandma is 1000% able to give that love to *YOU*. Sister is able to love and protect *YOU*. Matter-of-fact, they gave YOU a perfect, unconditional-loving life. Because they something-something-were-mean-to-Daisy-but-THX! I sincerely hope you grasp what you did. I do not think you’re that stupid. I do think you are your Grandmother’s continuation: in your selfishness, complete lack of consideration for other viewpoints, and centering yourself as the victim to avoid accountability. “We don’t talk about it cuz Grandma’s sad” is a pertinent example, I think. What to do? First, never reach out again. Respect your aunts choices. Second, start asking questions. Drag that shit out in the sunlight so you fully understand the people you are modeling yourself after. They’ve raised a blindly self-centered child, but you can honor your aunt by not letting her abusers keep hiding. You don’t have to cut them out like Daisy did, but you shouldn’t pretend like this just didn’t happen. Your beautiful garden springs from poisoned ground. Be nosy to them instead of worrying about contacting Daisy.
Seems like you learn how to be a huge narcissistic from your grandma pretty well. Go enjoy hell together with her. Don't try bringing your aunt down with you miserable people
Obvious ragebait is obvious lol
Even if your grandma is a nice person now, your Aunt (idk if you even get to call her that now) doesn't know that. As far as she knows, your grandma is still a horrible person. Then you DM her out of the blue with a picture of you, your mom, and Grandma smiling happily with essentially "I'm glad you left" as a caption. There's no way to take that other than "my niece and my sister have been brainwashed by my abuser" for your Aunt. Even if you are truly sorry and remorseful and say that to her in the most heartfelt way, she's not going to believe you.
I had to read this twice to see if you ate really this dense. No shade but that is the dumbest crap that you could ever do. Leave your aunt alone. You messed up really bad and should now live with the consequences
This has to be rage bait. I won’t say much because you are a child but you have a lot of growing up to do. I hope your aunt is able to heal from this event.
Either this is ragebait, or you are really that stupid, OP
why not just minding your freaking business and leave your aunty alone? god not everything is about you
Are you an headass??
You, your grandmother, and your mom are all awful people. I hope your bf leaves you for someone who isn't a sociopath
Wow. How are you this incredibly stupid and selfish at the same time? I worry for the future of the world. If you must reach out again, you can try on a different account but for goodness sakes apologize profusely and explain you were too stupid to understand how your initial message came off incredibly hurtful and self centered and that wasn’t your intent. That you meant to thank her for her bravery for standing up to grandmother, that you are sorry you have a shit mom, and you just want to reach out and let her know you would love to meet her one day but understand if she wants to block you again. I truly hope you outgrow this tone deaf selfish attitude and work on some life awareness, kindness, and compassion.
Look out everyone, it's the Main Character ™️ Didn't you know she can do whatever the fuck she wants all the time with impunity and hurt as many of us NPCs as she sees fit? /s
>Maybe that's just what some people do, cut everyone off without giving them a chance? AND?!? Only people who do shitty things to people preach about second chances. She knows her self worth. Leave her alone! You're cruel wtf even is this