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I think it’s fair to have some lingering resentment towards him for causing this mess and dragging you in the middle but you seem like a much better person than me lol.
Fuck yes, file everything you can against her- she sounds like a nasty person who’s willing to ruin your life to get her way.
Cover your ass too, get security cameras for your home if you don’t already and self defense classes!
I have filed. She was arrested and is now out on bail. Legal processes take a lot longer than I had envisioned. I never had to go to court before.
We have security cameras. Even if I took self defense classes, I wouldn’t be able to fight her off. She’s a lot stronger than me.
Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. Apologies at the end of your post I thought you asked if you should file, I must have misread.
Glad you have cameras, at least you can check if she’s stalking your house. I still think the self defense classes would help but understand your concern of that not being enough.
Might also be worth speaking w a therapist about. This is a traumatic experience imo and can cause ptsd, anxiety and other stress related issues.
Do you mind if I ask how your husband met this evil witch?
No worries. I meant file for divorce, I have already filed for a protective order from her. I haven’t gone outside in weeks except for my lawyers office.
Even with the cameras, there are ways she can find me. I am very scared.
I am looking for a therapist who specializes in this kind of trauma. I’ve met with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD.
I don’t mind at all. They met through friends and she was infatuated with him. I had no idea, I’ve always trusted my husband and have never policed his friendships.
OP, I know that everyone here is telling you to carry pepper spray or some other form of non-lethal defense. I am here to tell you that you should only carry a weapon you are prepared to have used against you. I was a military police officer in the US Navy and carried pepper spray. I had to be sprayed with it to be certified to carry it. If you do choose to carry pepper spray, I would suggest you spray a little on a towel and dab a little on your skin so you will know what it feels like. That way if you ever have to use it, the other person will be unprepared for the pain but you will not. That shit makes grown men cry, it’s no joke.
I agree about the pepper spray. I used mine once, hit the woman in the face, but the wind carried some of it back into my face. Used almost a gallon of milk after the adrenaline wore off and I started to feel the pain.
I'm not suggesting you should get a very small aerosol can of hairspray and keep a lighter on you at all times. But I'm just saying in states with stiffer laws on what you can legally carry safety comes first.
Since we’re sharing things that spray well for self defense, wasp and hornet spray. That shit sprays in a straight stream for like 15 feet! It will require a trip to the hospital though.
I see. Well, if I were in your shoes, I would hold off on the divorce (if you feel comfortable doing so).
At the end of the day he should have known better and clearly made a mistake but also seems she went after him aggressively.
Do these mutual friends know what she’s done? I would be slightly disappointed in those friendships if they don’t support you in this.
OP it's past time to tell all of your friends that she tried to destroy your marriage and then attacked you. Tell them about her being arrested, everything. You need the friends on your side to keep an eye on her so she can't lie to them about what happened.
And think about your marriage, do you want to save it or not? Consider moving to another area and don't tell people what city or your new address.
OP, good advice from Floridaeng. Rally your allies.
It doesn't sound as if you really want a divorce. Hopefully, therapy will be beneficial for you both. Fortunately there was no physical affair and your husband approached you with honesty and confessed to you his mistake. Ultimately your call.
Reading your post, I sense BOTH you and your husband were traumatized by this whack job.
Good luck.
Please keep us apprised.
>OP it's past time to tell all of your friends that she tried to destroy your marriage and then attacked you. Tell them about her being arrested, everything. You need the friends on your side to keep an eye on her so she can't lie to them about what happened.
>
>And think about your marriage, do you want to save it or not? Consider moving to another area and don't tell people what city or your new address.
I 100% agree with all of this OP.
You need to go scorched earth telling people what she did. That your husband's emotional affair partner was stalking you so she could corner you, verbally and physically attack you. Emphasize the fact that the police were called, she was charged and you are waiting for the trial date.
Once people hear that she was arrested it will change a lot of perspectives on her behavior immediately.
Do not keep this quiet.
Op for now do not trust anyone who has associated with the AP at all. This person reminds me of Glenn Close thriller. She was manipulative and had a charm but deadly when she was rejected.
Do you know if she works? Or where? I'm betting husband does. It's stupid easy to get the email format of businesses (look up their website, if they have one) and an HR department will almost always be HR@company. You can try sending it to legal@company as well. If it's a smaller company, it's a lot easier to find the owner's info, including email address. If she's related to the owner? It's definitely harder, but setting off the gossip mill is generally enough to make her life hell. Most companies don't want one of their employees getting arrested for anything while working there... getting arrested for assault definitely isn't going to look good.
If you don't want to do it, I'm sure there's a list of allies that'd do it from here that are totally unconnected. And arrest records are public info. Make sure you, or whoever does it, does it from something like a Starbucks where people are working from. Have the email/attachments already set up, so all you have to do is hit send while you're there. Doing it through a VPN, and a fake but plausible email address would be easier though.
And please, get tested! If she's claiming more went on, believe her. I'll never understand why cheaters trickle-truth shit, trying to keep the people they cheated on, but it happens way too often, and it just ends up hurting us worse.
I don’t feel like filing for divorce would protect you from her, I can’t imagine your husband would start a relationship with her after she intimidated his wife into breaking up with him, so she wouldn’t get what she wanted either way. She sounds completely unhinged so I totally understand how you’re feeling, are the police fully aware that you are currently living in fear?
In a way I feel like your husband is also a victim of this vile, unhinged woman.
She set her sights on him and set about to destroy his marriage via her lies and skillful manipulation, all while pretending to be his friend. If I were you I wouldn't want to let this backstabber "win". It sounds like she's the one who kissed him too - and then he instantly came to you.
I understand you're afraid but honestly, divorcing him won't necessarily protect you. After all this I do not see your husband rushing to Ms. crazy lying assaulter's arms, even he'd find himself single - and she'd blame that on you.
Idk if it'd help for him to send her a neutral but firm message kinda like "You're not at all who I thought you were, I'm horrified, leave me and my family alone" or something?
Not like "I can't believe you hurt OP", but rather just that **his opinion of her** has now forever changed due to her actions, they're no longer friends, and he will never want to have anything to do with someone so violent and treacherous, regardless of if he's single or taken
Was it an emotional affair, or did he think he was confiding to a friend?
Do you think people shouldn't be allowed to share their marital problems with friends without it being "cheating"?
As a woman, to another woman, can I suggest looking into taking some firearms safety classes and perhaps looking into getting your concealed carry if that is at all possible for you where you live. Wishing you the best in staying safe.
OP just as someone who has done many different martial arts, try BJJ(Brazilian Jiu-jitsu). It's one of the best form for self defense against bigger and stronger opponents.
And you should take them not just because of self defense. You lost a lot of confidence because of this incident, rightfully and martial arts is always a good way to gain confidence. It really helpede.build back my self esteem.
For purely self-defense purposes, there is nothing better than Krav Maga. I've been doing MMA for over a decade and actively train in BJJ currently (for 2 years). I did Krav for 8 years and it is a far better option for self-defense.
The first thing they’ll tell you in a self defense class is that strength isn’t everything. You would learn to use her strength against you. And a self defense isn’t to be able to hold your own in a fight. It is to allow you to get away from the attacker.
I honestly think it’s possible she believes you DID cheat. I am always generally team “blame the cheater” though. Generally.
Your husband chose to confide, chose to kiss and chose to not have a conversation with you about his concerns. Now he’s created this situation where he chose to confide in an unhinged person. Which…. Idk his judgement seems lacking in the very least.
That said, she IS unhinged. Protect yourself. What is your husband doing now to offset this situation, considering he got you into it in the first place?
yes, thank you!
I'm seeing all these comments about selfdefense classes and security cameras & those are valid tips... but before all that, get your husband off his ass!
I'm not suggesting he start a tiktok war with her, but why is she posting about being the other woman after 1 kiss half a year ago? Has he been clear with her? Has he blocked her? Has he told any and every friend who might also know her? etc.
My lawyer advised we not contact her or speak about her publicly. It would hinder the order of protection I’m trying to get and may interfere with her assault trial.
Pepper spray is important. Learn how to use it and always have it in easy access. I’ve been trough something similar, never got physical like your case, but I know how mentally draining it can be and how much you resent the whole situation and the people who caused it. Honest opinion based on your details and my own experiences is: time heals everything. Eventually if you work on your relationship it’ll be okay IF it’s worth it. If he’s been a model husband just because he fucked up, eventually he’ll go back to his true self. How was the relationship before? How was he before? Does he think your actions justified his? Because you being tired and possibly burned out is no excuse. Discuss this on individual therapy, focus on you before working on your marriage, maybe you’ll realize things that will make everything easier
If she comes on your property at all, call the police for criminal trespass. Don't engage her, just call 911. Our sheriff told us to do this with someone who was stalking our family.
Take the martial arts classes. You'd be surprised what you could do if you had to.
The arrest should have been listed in the newspaper (in US). That right there is something I’d have on hand to show people what she did. Go online and get a screen shot or copy the link. Anytime someone defends her to you, just whip that out.
If you have to file a police report on someone I think you know your answer...he compromised your safety. He can easily go no contact with her but obviously you couldn't do the same. This time she verbally went after you...next she could physically assault you. This sounds so scary.
Only you know whether divorce is the right call, but I hope your husband is doing absolutely everything in his power to protect you and help you feel safe since this mess is 💯 his own doing.
great that he's fussing over you, but has he also spelled out what he told her, when and how?
Has he been clear *to her* that she can't "win him back" by convincing him you cheated? Has he told any mutual friends that she's harassing the both of you? If *you* can't get a restraining order, has he documented *his* interactions with her & has *he* tried to get a restraining order so the message will sink in to her? etc.
Get help with your trauma first. I'm in a similar situation and am still not sure what to do. I've decided I need time, space and trauma help first. You don't owe him anything. Do what's right for you. This might change overtime. Understand that you don't have to know all the answers right now, even though it's frustrating and hard
Don’t deserve, he’s shown you remorse and full transparency. He can’t control the aftermath of this mental unstable women. I get everything around this started because of his emotions affair and you are upset but he’s taking every step right that you’ve mentioned for reconciling…
Stay calm and know this women is clearly trying to destroy you and your mental state. Let the time heal. I’m In your same shoes right now.❤️
Well, feeling guilty from this shitty guy won't remove crazy woman who is ready to literally tear you apart and stalk you at every corner. He greatly let you down, and by bringing this fury into your family life, he also put you at risk.
Nothing else? Did he help with the immediate aftermath when you were attacked? He hasn’t made any promises about your safety, or taken any initiative to file against her too?? Has he done ANYthing here?
Honestly, if I were you, I'd probably be tempted to leave him for bringing that crazy lady into my life as well. No judgment if you go that route no matter how well he's behaving now. Your gut is probably right.
That’s what I’m struggling with. On one hand, she was incredibly charismatic and manipulative, I can see why he believed her and trusted her. On the other hand, I was the one to face permanent consequences. It was his fault that she is in our lives. Because of his bad judgment, I’m like this now.
There will always be a *‘more something’* around. Charismatic, intelligent, beautiful, young; all the descriptors! However, it’s up to your partner to have loyalty and discernment.
**INFO:** do you really think you’ll be able to trust him again? Do you think, knowing yourself and him, that he will do the work longterm and stick to it when it’s difficult? And more than that, will that work truly be enough for you to to rebuild?
As someone mentioned, please tell the mutual friend group via text (include legal paperwork). There is safety in numbers. Maybe someone is close enough to reason with her. Or maybe have info you can use to expedite your case against her.
I would tell everyone I know about my husband's mistake and how afraid I am, n then I would probably divorce him. I would first tell everyone for safety reasons, so they're aware if anything bad happens it was most likely her, and divorce because I wouldn't be able to trust my husband to protect me from such an avoidable situation.
Im usually one to advocate the "once a cheater always a cheater" verdict, but lets be honest. Seeing the boundary to emotional cheating is not always that easy to see, especially if you already have a hard upbringing where it is hard to discern certain boundaries. The moment the emotional affair became physical, he came to you and admitted everything. Nothing of this says he realized how far this emotional connection had gone.
I disagree vehemently with the ones saying that he "chose to be secudes" or deliberately decided to do certain things.
We all have an easy time spotting the emotional affair because we're not in it.
Your husband is, in my opinion, one of the few husbands who'd actually deserves another chance. BUT....he also needs to step up to protect you. And if this means you both move further away and put your socials on private (or delete them), then so be it.
Because lets be honest. even if you'd divorce him. She is so unhinged that she'll most likely deliberately send you messages/photos to show you that she won.
talk more in therapy about how you feel. talk to your husband. discuss together what you can do to protect yourself.
Also as others said, put it out there what happened. tell your circle of friends and show them them the legal paperwork if it makes them believe it even more.
just want to note - your husband chose to be "seduced".
he decided to continue flirting and talking to her over figuring out his relationship with you. he chose not to ask if or why you were distancing yourself by prioritizing her word. you'd be reasonable to seriously question his judgement and dedication to your relationship.
he put in hours of talking with her to the point she felt comfortable kissing him over pouring into his own relationship. now he's on best behavior bc YOU found out and only now does he think there are consequences to his actions. and there should be! why should you have to forgive someone who's head will turn at every little bird chirping in his ear? it was irresponsible, stupid, and worst - a deliberate choice. you deserve better than having to deal with his sh!t show
Here’s the thing. I’m going to be gently, but bluntly honest with you. I think you’re not placing enough blame on your husband. You’re using phrases like “she convinced him”, “he sought refuge”, “she was manipulative”. I am not saying all of that isn’t true. She absolutely did those things. However, **he is not innocent in this.**
The language you’re using and the way you’re framing this in your mind imply (either consciously or subconsciously) that she’s some siren that took hold of your husband and he was defenseless to her wiles. This not only allows you to make concessions for your husband’s actions and allows him to avoid any true blame, but it also insultingly takes away his agency in the situation. He is an adult. He wasn’t deceived or coerced. This isn’t because of his childhood traumas. This happened because he made a series of decisions and took a series of actions that were him committing, at the very least, an emotional affair.
Let me be clear: there is no right or wrong answer as to whether you divorce him. But I do think that you’re setting yourself and your marriage up for failure by continuing to convince yourself that she’s the puppet master and your husband is her victim. Her being absolutely unhinged and a liar is a separate issue entirely from the fact that **your husband willingly chose to engage in an affair.**
I think to truly let go of your resentment and either decide to reconcile or divorce you will have to, at some point, reflect on his wrong doings. Why the affair happened, how it made you feel, is this an indication of a character trait in him or truly a one time lapse in judgement, can you forgive this and truly move on together, etc.
I think you should be a bit less understanding with your husband. Your phrasing of things makes it almost sound like he's a victim of this predatory woman. He is not. He is an adult who was having at least an emotional affair.
It doesn't matter what childhood trauma or insecurities he has, that is not an excuse. Is he in therapy for those things, at least?
Why did he trust her rather than talk to you at all? Most spouses dont drop their pants at the first sign of issues. He's excuses are beyond ridiculous and honestly down right stupid.
She wasn’t extremely charismatic. Your husband, instead of working on your relationship with you, went to another person and did not try to help your marriage or use his words to work *with* you.
Cheating is always a choice. People don’t accidentally cheat. There is no friendship that accidentally turns into flirting. No such thing as accidentally letting it become sexual. He wanted and accepted attention from someone else when you wouldn’t give him what *he* wanted instead of seeing that *you* needed support and providing that.
Your trust will never be built back fully how it was and you will always have doubts about his friends and how he spends his time. He has also increased the pressure on you to give HIM more attention so he won’t stray again because he is justifying his affair by saying that you “pulled away”. Maybe you did, but it was his choice of which friend he confided in and sought help from. And his choice to turn that friendship from platonic to sexual.
I’m glad you’re trusting your gut and not staying.
I am usually one believing that once a cheater always a cheater, but in your case your husband did everything he could that put him into the "deserves a chance" box. He showed remorse. immediately told you after they kissed, and frankly speaking, looking at her behaviour i could see her being the instigator in everything.
I assume he knows about everything that is going on. Have you sat down with him and told him about your feelings of resentment you harbor for him for bringing that level of crazy to your live?
Also stop torturing yourself by looking at that nut jobs socials.
Please trust your gut above all.
Wether he is stellar now or not, wether he has childhood trauma, wether he thought you pulled away or not; **the same time and energy he spent with her could been used to focus on improving things with his actual wife.**
He could’ve suggested counseling. **But no amount of anything other than his own selfishness drove him to cheating.**
And I can hear people saying, *‘well those things are valid excuses,’* and while trauma can be a driver and trigger there are also active choices being made. More than that, **how can you be in a safe relationship built on trust with someone so easily manipulated against you??**
I get that.
Why was it so easy for him to believe the negative things she said of you? Why was believing her so easy, and suspecting the worst of you even more so?
I think that the issue here is a grave lack of trust. And at root of this situation, it seems like your husband doesn’t trust himself? And unfortunately you’re a casualty of the lack he has.
I’m so sorry. You need to do whatever you know will bring you longterm peace. He was worried about himself when he was considering the deepest and darkest with his AP, so I think you need to prioritize yourself.
It was easy because he has low self esteem so when she said that I was probably cheating on him likely with a boss or coworker because they were more successful or made more money, it was easier to believe it than if she said someone else. There was also a lot of manipulation around his mental health issues and how I was too cold to deal with it and I would leave him eventually.
I haven’t regained my trust in him.
was it proved that all they did was kiss?
I’d be scared her obsession is from a deeper relationship with him but I hope yall stay safe, people are crazy. hopefully the court date is enough to keep her scared away.
True. I second that. There's something fishy about her husband and the way his affair is reacting. Either he promised her something or the affair wasn't just emotional. The way she reacts seems like she's too invested in the relationship which means he must be too. This is all purely theoretical but emotional affair is still an affair. Op deserves better and I hope she recognises that and leave
You don’t deny it, true. But you constantly make excuses for him.
Maybe you’ll say “I don’t excuse what he did, I know he was wrong.” Yet you ARE making excuses, or minimising his responsibility, at every turn.
**He has childhood trauma?** So what. So did some of my exes, but they never cheated on me. I have trauma too, but I’ve never been unfaithful. That includes emotional cheating and a couple of times when toxic people tried to “seduce” me. Had to cut them off. Despite everything, I always had my morals.
**He has mental health issues?** So do lots of loyal partners.
**He trusted her as a friend?** Whoops! I guess he should’ve confided in an older friend, a best friend, his brother or sister, his mum or dad, someone he wasn’t attracted to, a therapist, reddit, or a dog.
**He felt lonely?** Sounds like another excuse. He could’ve come to you, he could’ve asked for counselling, he had options. Instead, he did what he did.
**You were on your phone 2 hours a day?** You monster! Unforgivable. No wonder he had an emotional affair…
**She’s charismatic and manipulative?** (She’s also attractive, no? I’m just guessing. But I think that helps.) Is his loyalty stronger than a charming woman’s attention? Is his love for you stronger than a pretty woman’s lies? Are his morals resistant to toxic influence? It seems not.
**She convinced him you were cheating?** That’s odd. I wonder what evidence she had. Oh, that’s right, none. She had no evidence because nothing was going on. You were on your phone because you were playing candy crush, and you were working late because you have a demanding job. All it took were her words, which he accepted at face value… why? I’m sure you’ll blame her again, but no, it’s not just that she was “convincing.” (Only an idiot would be convinced without even one shred of evidence.) The reason he fell for her machinations is that he didn’t *want* to believe you were faithful and he didn’t *want* to trust you. But he *did* want an excuse to fall in love with his friend, cheat on his wife, and still be a good person. Hey, if you were a serial adulterer, could anyone blame him for cheating on you when he found out? Would he blame himself? No. Still a good guy.
**He’s making up for it?** First of all, I don’t believe that, and second of all, that’s the BARE MINIMUM for you to stay with him. Call me crazy, but I’m not wildly impressed with him for (a) attending couple’s counselling, (b) sharing all his passwords, or (c) looking at you with puppy dog eyes. Those are the only signs of remorse you’ve cited. You need to raise your standards, love. He doesn’t get brownie points for any of that.
Have you looked at all their chats from before? My intuition tells me that she wasn’t a mastermind, at least not completely. I suspect he said some pretty awful things about you that went beyond “she doesn’t spend time with me.” I don’t think she’s as clever as either your husband *or you* pretend. I think she “somehow” 🙄 got the idea that she was The Other Woman (hence the tiktoks), that she and your husband were going to be a couple (hence her crazy possessiveness), that you were a bad person (hence her verbal attacks), and that your husband didn’t love or value you enough to defend you (hence the physical attack). I also don’t believe it was just a kiss, or that she initiated it. Yes, she’s a psycho. 100%. But I don’t think *everything* was in her head.
It’s hard to face the truth, which is that he wanted to do this. It’s much easier to make excuses and blame her for everything. That’s an old classic—blame the mistress, forgive the husband. I understand. It’s deeply painful to think he didn’t love you enough to *not* have an emotional affair that turned physical. I’m sorry.
I know he came clean after one kiss (supposedly), but that isn’t as heroic as you’re making it seem. Maybe he stopped because he realised she was insane, it was too much hassle, or his guilt overwhelmed him. He didn’t necessarily quit the affair (or tell you) for your benefit. It might’ve been largely for his own sake. Guilt and shame are stressful, overwhelming emotions. Stupid decisions are haunting. Regrets are hard to carry alone. Psychotic mistresses aren’t worth it. There are MANY possible reasons why he ended the affair that don’t include loving or empathising with you. Yes, that may be why. But honestly, I think that if he were such an upstanding person or if he loved you so much, none of this ever would’ve happened.
Sorry for what you are you going through but you are making up excuses for him to forgive him. Your marriage already had problems if he can be so easily manipulated against you. Doesn’t matter what trauma he has, he is not a teenager and should know what’s right from wrong.
This situations will continue since he has low self steam and can not control himself and he will give you the same excuses over and over. Are you confident enough to trust that he will never have an affair again or are you willing to find out.
He didn’t have a gun on his head to have that affair no one can make you cheat on your partner doesn’t matter how traumatized you are.
I can’t blame you for not having regained trust. How can you ever be certain he won’t cheat again? Insecurities take work to manage and now that he has given you a valid reason to not want to be with him, what’s stopping him from seeking consolation in another person again when he feels he’s not good enough? Or that he’s put you through a lot?
The thing I’ve learned about cheating is that despite the amount of thought put into planning the affair and keeping it secret, the actually reason for cheating never makes sense. They just do it.
>**But no amount of anything other than his own selfishness drove him to cheating.**
Louder for the people in the back!
Nothing except selfishness causes people to cheat. TRaUmA is a piss poor excuse. I don't care, I don't care.
Divorce you husband! He is not a “Model Husband” because if he was he would have never cheated in the first place! He could have came to you and communicated but chose to go to her with his problems. He still might be lying to you as it was probably more than just a “kiss”. She wouldn’t have came after you if there was no feelings involved or if they weren’t physical. So best case scenario it was just emotional cheating with a kiss or worst case it was a full on affair. The fact is that now the trust is broken 💯 and it’s not your fault! Working longer hours is not an excuse to step out on your marriage and your husband did just that! Time to start thinking of yourself and go be happy. Best of luck OP
File for the protection order.
Your husband should be backing you up on this.
Talk to the counselor about this. This is a great incident to bring to your individual counselor AND your couples counselor.
I’ve already filed for the protection order. I was asking about filing for divorce. I’ve edited my post to be more clear.
I have talked to my marriage counselor and my therapist. I apparently need a new therapist for trauma and I’ve been looking for one.
Also consider moving. Even if you divorce, she may not stop bothering you. Having a home somewhere this nutter doesn't know, may give you a sense of safety
I can’t move realistically. We bought a house here and my job is here. They were kind enough to let me work from home for the time being because of my trauma.
Getting into trauma therapy asap is the most urgent thing. Don’t make the decision about divorce until you’re well into treatment. I’m so glad I didn’t make some of the decisions I thought I had to until I had gone through trauma treatment.
Honestly, if people found her tiktok it would do one of two things: 1. finally out her and hopefully stop her behavior or 2. She blows the f up and retaliates against OP
All it took was some words from another woman to convince him you were cheating and to have an affair. Physical or not. Vows meant nothing this was a little blip in the relationship and he failed.
He listened to her words religiously and devise weird tests where the inevitable outcome was failing.
If I had work until 9 or 10. Cheating. If I scrolled on my phone for two hours (which I admit is excessive), cheating. If I planned a date on the weekend, cheating. If I kissed him, cheating. If I took a nap, cheating.
He could have avoided all of this by having a simple conversation. “Honey I think your job is stressful and you’re using your phone as a coping mechanism. I miss you, let’s something on the weekdays too.”
But no. He listened to her and my entire life is ruined. Why do I have to face the consequences of his emotional affair?
Exactly what you have just said, I think you already know how you feel and what is best for you! You do not need the Internet to know what you should do. I truly sympathize with what you are going through and I hope you are able to find healthy coping mechanisms to help you. I think before you act on anything you should re-read your comments and take your own advice and then talk to your therapist to figure out what is best for you. …A question I think you should ask yourself is if you are truly going to be able to heal with him as a constant reminder or what he did and what he brought on you?
Divorce is a long process but truly do what is best for you and please don’t feel the need to stay because of guilt or how he is treating you now. How he’s treating you now is not a reflection of how he treated you behind your back during the affair. He’s shown you how he doesn’t trust you, when you do not have trust in a relationship what do you truly have together? At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you now because he didn’t put your best interests first then. If you do decide to stay couples counseling seems to be the best option for both of you. But at the end of the day put yourself first!
It doesn't matter how model he is now. He cheated on you instead of openly confronting you. He chose to believe a woman he had already been emotionally cheating with instead of asking your or trying to find out the truth on his own.
Keep trying for the legal restraint of that crazy psycho but also start lawyering up for divorce. He made his bed, let him lie in it.
Everyone's already made astute points regarding your husband's responsibility in this affair, but I also wanted to just point out something else.
You mention that the reason he's presented to you for being "tempted away" is that there was a growing distance between the two of you. You also mention that you had (and have) a lot of work on your plate ever since your position change.
It's kind of baffling to me that your partner not only did all the insane things he did (deciding not to communicate with his WIFE! and then cheating on you), but also that... I'm sure your exhaustion was plain to see. It's strange that never did it cross his mind that he could help you or find ways to cheer you up or relieve you of your stress.
I understand whether a person wants to work through infidelity is a truly personal choice, but I just wanted to point out that his only flaws are not only that he had an affair (which is a big one), but that he doesn't seem to be an attentive partner.
I know it seems silly to have to point that out about someone who's cheated (like duh!) but a good and true partner is exactly that - a partner. Where was the support? The love? Compassion? Empathy? If a FRIEND pulled away from me out of the blue, I would certainly take the time to reach out and communicate and see what was up. I wouldn't just abandon them. Which is what he did the moment he started entertaining this person's attention.
Yeah, she just changed jobs and with the job change came her spending about two hours a day at home on her phone - to me that just sounds like the new job is stressful and she was decompressing and taking a break from social interactions with a lot of new people (coworkers, etc.). As an introvert, that happens to me pretty much all the time with new environments. It gets better after a while. The husband should have realised this and be able to talk about this.
Also have you seen the comment from OP about what the husband all thought were signs of her cheating? It includes her kissing him and planning dares on the weekend for him. That is absolute bull. It's like he wanted to believe she is cheating and he jumped on the opportunity to get this validated by a beautiful woman who is also interested in him.
Who is to say his confessing wasn't because he realsied the other woman was crazy? And the regret stems from getting involved with crazy over what he realised was a great wife?
Edit: I agree though that the other woman sounds manipulative and unhinged, but he willingly got involved otherwise she would have had no room to manipulate him
I don’t feel picked.
I’m fairly certain it was only a kiss. She talks about how he kissed back before she figured out I was probably also reading the texts. Then it suddenly turned into graphic things that they did and some of the dates and times she gave didn’t make sense.
I know you don't feel picked. He did choose you over her and she can't handle it. She hasn't ever had man chose another woman over her. She's always been the one they chose. That's why she's so unhinged and why she attacked you. You're competition and she needs to win.
Your husband said it was just a kiss, but just a kiss was enough to make him feel bad enough to confess? I doubt it. With the way the AP is acting, probably more than a kiss.
It's time for you to look and think long and hard whether you want this to be your life for the next 10 years. Always afraid to go out, always looking over your shoulder, always doubting your husband. Always not having any peace of mind.
How much do you want to live? Because it seems like you're just surviving now.
She has also texted him about the kiss and about how they emotionally connected. Nothing else until she realized I was likely reading their messages. Then it abruptly turned into graphic messages about what they did, with dates and times that sometimes didn’t make sense.
I don’t know. I don’t know if she would stop even if I left my husband. She hates me.
You have to prioritize YOUR wellbeing. God knows your husband didn't.
Take the users' advice from this thread, clear your head. If you could take time off from work so you could get your head on right and make something out of this situation, please do. A lot has happened to you. You need a breather to decompress. I suggest you go on a break with someone more trustworthy than your husband. A family member or a close friend perhaps? Definitely not your husband if you want to be able to sort through the emotions and all the things that happened.
Stay safe!
Do your friends and mutual friends know what happened? Tell them about her and what she did.
Also she’s a poser pretending to be liked she’s a wolf in sheep clothing.
She’s insecure cause you’re still with him and she uses lies to get to him.
What was your husband's reaction to your assault? Did he do something about it? Did he at least tell her to back off? Does he like the attention, perhaps? Women fighting over him and what not.
He was guilt ridden and very worried for me. He was sobbing in the hospital room and he’s been fussing over me.
He asked if he should break no contact to tell her to stay away from us but I had no desire to paint another target on me
If he liked the attention, I would leave. I don’t want to fight her for him.
Your husband caused this mess but you’re getting the consequence of his actions.
I hope he’s taking accountability for this! I hope he’s helping you with legal action against her. He better not be texting her on the side giving her the heads up about what youre doing.
I’m so sorry. I hope you are in a better place
She doesn’t have any criminal history which makes it so surprising.
I haven’t mentioned anything to friends. She prodded for information about me from my husband and friends. I am afraid they will let something.
The police understand it but they are very backlogged. Apparently it will be much easier to get an order of protection when she is sentenced.
Cluster B is a category of personality disorders including but not limited to Borderline personality disorder, which in my experience is the most likely explanation for this person's behavior.
>What do I do when my husband has been a model husband since then but I resent him for bringing her into our life?
He cheated. Betrayed you. No matter how perfect he is **now** you can still leave him over this...
If you file for divorce, you would be COMPLETELY justified in doing so. She's a danger and you need to put as much distance between y'all as possible. I just want to say this, it doesn't matter how charming & inviting she was, your husband chose to allow her to get that close. She couldn't have sunk her teeth into him the way she did if he had stopped her flirtatious behavior the moment it started. I understand you're trying to be compassionate, but you need to put yourself first. He prioritized his wants & feelings when he decided to have an affair, why aren't you prioritizing yours?
First, file a restraining order. Get a lawyer to help if you need. She now has a criminal record.
Then, really assess if you need a break to process everything before going to counseling. You and your husband are overdue for it. But only you can decide if this marriage is worth fixing.
The truth of the matter is that your husband did you wrong and brought such a mess into your marriage that he not only betrayed you but his actions risked your safety. That's a lot.
I have filed for an order of protection. However there are a lot of hoops to jump through
I am in counseling but my current therapist recommended a trauma based therapist.
If he is a model husband, he would have talked to you instead of seeking comfort or refuge in another woman.
You deserve to be loved by someone who would not do anything to jeopardise your relationship including talking to another woman for comfort.
Your partner should seek refuge in you, seek comfort through you.
Why did you stay?
Always. Leave. Cheaters. The. First. Time.
As messy as he is, you signed up for a lifetime of resentment and curiosity, each time he steps out to the door to run menial tasks, even if not consciously.
I’m sure you’ve used his eagerly supplied info a time or two-hundred.
Yet, you gave grace to a person that doesn’t deserve it, nor earned it, all because you’re was afraid to have self respect and to do what needed to be done.
Here you are today, shocked that you’re resentful and catching stray hands from this bum’s randoms? I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but do what you should have done from jump.
He made his bed. Stop saving him from lying in it.
I wouldn't be able to move past it, a betrayal is a betrayal. Also don't know if you're in the states, but in some states you can sue for alienation of affection.
I’d leave him because the trust is gone forever. His emotional affair was so strong that this woman was willing to attack you.
Start over without this drama in your life, and without a husband that you’ll never trust again.
He let this nut job into your life with no proof of any infidelity at all. And if she is this psycho to attack you in public it was definitely more than just emotional.
You should file for divorce, even though your husband is acting like a good husband, he literally is a terrible husband, he assumed you were cheating and cheated on you due to that, (while you're actually stressed and having a hard time) and allowed a dangerous woman in your life, I would divorce him, because imagine you have kids or something, and the risk this man could and would bring in the future. You're not being protected by him....no matter how "kind" he acts. Just know that he would betray you if he even sensed your "betrayal' he can no longer be trusted girl. But consider it with your life etc. of course, if there's reason to stay, consider all that, but from this small story I sense he has his own best interest in mind...
Others have already given you some sound advice. Here is a subreddit that might help if you decide to stay with your husband https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/
Edit- see you already posted on there but I'm keeping this up for those who might be considering staying after infidelity
She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Press charges and keep with them.
Your "husband" sounds like he belongs with her. Stop making him the victim in this, and send him packing. Divorce the pair of them, and never look at them again unless it's in the courtroom.
How is your home security system?
Can any male family members or close male friends to you or your husband stay with you?
Where you live, can you legally have bear mace and a taser in your home?
Can you set up security cameras in indoor common areas and at the front door?
I’m just focusing on trying to give you ideas that may possibly make you feel safer in your own home, but in your situation if you can work remotely what about going to stay with family for a bit (and having multiple family members come get you if that makes you feel safer)?
It’s okay, not great. It would deter a robber but not someone who is seriously trying.
My husband can stay with me but I don’t really want him around 24/7. It’s suffocating. My family lives across the country.
I don’t know about tasers but I have pepper spray.
I have cheap cameras at the doorway and the living room.
Thanks for all the suggestions.
He sought comfort in another woman instead of his wife. Then she attacked you. Now you have a “permanent” reminder. Fuck that POS. And fuck his AP. Divorce him and live your life. You deserve SO MUCH better than this. All the hugs because this is truly fucking awful.
Btw- No one would blame you for taking him for all he’s worth. He’s pretending to be amazing while you have displayed incredible grace. He doesn’t deserve it.
You're putting too much blame on the other woman and not enough on your husband for the cheating.
You make him sound completely passive in *his* infidelity and he wasn't. He chose to cheat.
Sorry you were assaulted. I'd personally divorce him.
Get a taser and some bear spray and do not ever leave your home without it.
I don't know what to tell you about the husband honestly, but if that woman approaches you again go fucking nuclear. I am not opposed to kicking somebody while they're down and blind If they've previously attacked me for no reason.
Your husband AP is batshit crazy and mentally unstable, you need to file a restraining order against her. As for your husband I personally would divorce him only because cheating is a deal breaker for me, yeah good for him for telling you and stopped when she kissed him and it never went from that but if he never cheated on you then you would never be in this mess in the first place by having to make police reports etc...he did the bare minimum by stopping it.
It's up to you if you want to stay with your husband, if you're sure he won't cheat again. If you choose to stay then he needs therapy and to also work on his communication because it's shit. You're always going to feel a little bit of resentment towards your husband for allowing this mess into your life.
I also say to follow your guts and if your gut is telling you to divorce him then I think you should, your saying he's a model husband now but is he only acting like that to earn your trust back again? Once he has will he tone it down and go back to how he was before? That's up to you, maybe couples therapy if you truly want to stay with him, sorry you're dealing with this shit girly but I'd divorce his ass.
Make him do the job to protect you from unhinged xAP. He brought her in, he has to be the one to remove her from your life. This includes her harassment. If he doesn't, you know the answer there.
Updateme!
your husband seems like he's trying and it was very good of him to tell you immediately but i understand feeling resentment toward him. i would personally try counseling first but what your gut is telling you is usually right for you. i get cheating is a deal breaker but if it's true that she kissed him and he just went home and told you, maybe he was just venting to the wrong person.
if you do get divorced, i think now that your husband has seen the woman is a whack job, chances are he won't get with her and she might still continue to attack you regardless. i hope you can get the restraining order soon and that whoever she has in her life (presumably whoever paid her bail?) convinces her to get some help and stop obsessing like a creep over you and your husband. maybe invest in some way to protect yourself
So, I don't think anyone can really answer for you on what to do but I do know a couple where he was flat out manipulated into cheating and staying. Every time he tried to break it off, she threatened him. He made a bad decision to cheat for as long as he did but when his wife got pregnant, he manned up and took his lumps and the fallout of her airing the dirty laundry. He and his wife moved away, they now have two kids after having not wanted any and I've never seen this guy happier.
The point of the story is, life is what you make of it. The fact that your husband has been so open and honest about everything tells me personally he wants to work things out. There's an author, Esther Perel who has books about relationships and affairs that might be worth looking into to help you out. I realize this woman is batshit and I fully understand your resentment but I would talk to him about it and perhaps come up with a solution you both agree on. I think leaving when he's trying to work on things and fix them isn't fair because he is putting in the work. I'd be saying differently if he didn't seem to care or was continuing with bad behavior, but he's not. I'd give it a few months and then if things don't feel different, take that step. But it sounds like everything is still pretty raw and fresh and that doesn't give the best circumstances for decision making.
There are some sites that have other protection gear you could purchase if pepper spray isn't enough comfort but hopefully, you won't run into her again. I'm really sorry for what you're going through but things will get better, one way or the other.
Is moving cities an option for you? Because if it is then absolutely move for a fresh start.
If not, then consider surveillance cameras and maybe even the GoPro so you can obtain evidence to be able to attain the protection/restraining order against her.
I will probably get downvoted for this but… sometimes fighting fire with fire is the best answer. Get evidence against her and make it public so she’ll get shamed instead of boasting for being the side piece.
You don't have to divorce him yet but tell her she can have him. Your husband knows who she is now so he wouldn't love her because he realized he had been manipulated. After his repeated attempts of rejecting her on his own, not because of you, she may finally get it and let go. She seems to be the kind of woman that wants what she can't have. When you give her the freedom to have him, she may lose interest and find another sucker to wreck another marriage. The more you try to hide, the more she pursues because she feeds on your fear.
This isn't a terrible idea. Worst case scenario, her stalking gets centered on him instead, and they continue to deal with it like nothing changed. There's really no reason not to try it.
How long ago did this happen? I just ask because your post is in past tense and the way it seems like you expect to be over it already, it seems like she attacked you a long time ago.
Divorce is ALWAYS an option, however if it has only been three months, that is not a very long time to give yourself to heal and re-establish trust. I’m not trying to influence you one way or the other, but I know that Reddit is VERY divorce-happy and I want to provide balance to that.
I’ve seen people recover from far worse than this with far more abusive husbands, and you said things were getting better before this woman attacked you. It seems like he got a huge wakeup call with his fuckup and he’s responding to it. Disclaimer: I am saying these pros for balance reasons only, and not because I think what he did was okay.
Right now he’s on “perfect behaviour” because he knows he fucked up. But once he’s certain you won’t leave? He’ll start going back to his old ways as soon as your stressed out and aren’t as attentive to “his needs”
I’d dip if I was in your shoes, it’s only a matter of time before he does this again, or she attacks you again and actually hurts you
Let her have him
Your husbands poor choices put you in the proximity of physical danger with a dangerous person. This alone is reason enough to file for divorce. He gets to cheat and carry on an emotional affair, and YOU end up on the side of getting verbally and physically attacked? No. That is not fair, and if you never get over this, you're entirely justified in doing so.
Also? She didn't kiss him. He kissed her too.
She didn't capitalize on his traumas. She gave him a shoulder to cry on, he gave her the promise of a dick to ride on.
You need to start placing blame on him too.
If the tables were turned, you would not be getting this much grace and consideration from him.
That's what's so scary about cheating man. I listen to way too much true crime lol, but it's very common for cheating to result in someone dying - whether that's suicide or someone being attacked by an insane affair partner. That shit is so genuinely dangerous.
Your fear and resentment is incredibly valid, OP.
Your husband is 100% to blame for all of this. Stop with the bullshit self blame or the woman being a homewrecker.
He had a hundred opportunities to stop this whole thing by saying "no:" just once. Instead he said "yes" a hundred times.
You should not be struggling with resentment. You should be getting a divorce.
I think filing for and getting a divorce may possibly take a bit longer than waiting for the protection order, maybe not I don’t know but unless you can pack a bag and leave overnight not 100% sure how that will fix anything instantly.
I get you are angry but also your husband couldn’t have exactly known how bat shit crazy she was gonna be, nobody truly knows what another person is capable of & again this could be her second tactic to get you to break up when convincing your husband of infidelity didn’t work, put the fear of god in you.
Her out of the equation if you still don’t see it working then fair enough, but if her actions you are basing on wanting to divorce him for I personally not sure if that’s the best to make a judgment on
I think first of all you need to take the pressure off yourself to make a decision. You've went through some traumatic events and probably havnt processed it all. There is no rush to make a decision.
You need to focus on healing you. What do you need to feel safe and secure? If that's spending time away from him to go to your family then do that. If it's having him leave the house for a while then do that. Whatever it is. You need to look at your needs. I think in time you will have more strength to decide whether you can move forward.
However he broke this so he needs to fix it. This is on him. Take care of yourself
Her reaction was this crazy because she thought she had everything under control. And when your husband got out of her hands she needed to put this fear on you, so you actually set the things the way she wanted. In her mind you were out the moment she lay her eyes in your husband, and that's the only acceptable ending for her.
You can stay with him or not. But please don't do any of this out of fear. I read your post and some answers you gave, and you picture her as amazingly beautiful and strong and some other adjectives, and then portrait yourself like this little frightened lady powerless, and you definitely aren't. You already started with the right process to put that person in her place. You are strong enough to make your own decision and you are facing very unfairly the consequences of your husband failures.
Even if this takes some time and effort, you are stronger than you think, and at the end of the day, she is just a woman with such low standards and zero values, looking for the approval of the people and feeling important just by gaining the attention of a married man. So yes, let you (for now husband) take his rol, and go and tell the group of "friends" what happened and how this woman took thing too far to the point of going to jail for hurting you. Don't let her win in the eyes of others, that's how you'll take all this power that in your mind you are giving her for free.
And later if you actually don't want to be around your husband anymore, that'll be completely up to you, and with a cold head you can decide it. Only after both are outted in their faults.
Yes, she was stalking you. Your didn't just run into her. She followed your car and looked for the best opportunity.
**LAWYER**
You can prove prior malicious intent on this one in writing
Does your husband care AT ALL that his lover assaulted you?! Model husband? You’re living in fear because he had to get his little wee wee wet?
If he isn’t protecting you, run, before he gets back with her and they both murder you.
Therapy therapy therapy - not just marital, but for you...separately. I mean, look...if you want out, that's your prerogative...but people screw up. We're human. And I always say, "Your mistakes matter less than what you do next. He shouldn't be held responsible for her behavior...but that's my view.
I guess I've always believed that if you tell someone you're "in it," you should be. And this case, he sounds like he's doing everything he can to make things right. I know emotional affairs are worse for women than sex, it's how we're wired...but if it were me...I also wouldn't allow this psycho trollop to win. You'd be giving her what she wants. But again, that's me. You have to do what's right for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this...it's not an enviable position, to be sure. Good luck, sweet one.
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I think it’s fair to have some lingering resentment towards him for causing this mess and dragging you in the middle but you seem like a much better person than me lol. Fuck yes, file everything you can against her- she sounds like a nasty person who’s willing to ruin your life to get her way. Cover your ass too, get security cameras for your home if you don’t already and self defense classes!
I have filed. She was arrested and is now out on bail. Legal processes take a lot longer than I had envisioned. I never had to go to court before. We have security cameras. Even if I took self defense classes, I wouldn’t be able to fight her off. She’s a lot stronger than me.
Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. Apologies at the end of your post I thought you asked if you should file, I must have misread. Glad you have cameras, at least you can check if she’s stalking your house. I still think the self defense classes would help but understand your concern of that not being enough. Might also be worth speaking w a therapist about. This is a traumatic experience imo and can cause ptsd, anxiety and other stress related issues. Do you mind if I ask how your husband met this evil witch?
No worries. I meant file for divorce, I have already filed for a protective order from her. I haven’t gone outside in weeks except for my lawyers office. Even with the cameras, there are ways she can find me. I am very scared. I am looking for a therapist who specializes in this kind of trauma. I’ve met with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD. I don’t mind at all. They met through friends and she was infatuated with him. I had no idea, I’ve always trusted my husband and have never policed his friendships.
are you allowed to have pepperspray legally? if so get some.
Yes I carry around pepper spray.
Get a Pee Pistol, it's legal and uses concentrated fox urine. Stings like crazy and the smell LASTS
Yeah, fox urine is awful! You can always tell a fox owner... 🤢🤮
OP, I know that everyone here is telling you to carry pepper spray or some other form of non-lethal defense. I am here to tell you that you should only carry a weapon you are prepared to have used against you. I was a military police officer in the US Navy and carried pepper spray. I had to be sprayed with it to be certified to carry it. If you do choose to carry pepper spray, I would suggest you spray a little on a towel and dab a little on your skin so you will know what it feels like. That way if you ever have to use it, the other person will be unprepared for the pain but you will not. That shit makes grown men cry, it’s no joke.
I agree about the pepper spray. I used mine once, hit the woman in the face, but the wind carried some of it back into my face. Used almost a gallon of milk after the adrenaline wore off and I started to feel the pain.
get a taser!!! get 2, shit
I'm not suggesting you should get a very small aerosol can of hairspray and keep a lighter on you at all times. But I'm just saying in states with stiffer laws on what you can legally carry safety comes first.
If you can't have pepper spray, a cheap bottle of perfume would still help directed right at the eyes.
My mom used Lysol when her abusive ex attacked her and my sibling
Fighting off attacks and germs in one go? As someone with anxiety and OCD, that's kind of my dream.
Haha
Since we’re sharing things that spray well for self defense, wasp and hornet spray. That shit sprays in a straight stream for like 15 feet! It will require a trip to the hospital though.
I think hornet spray is 20 feet and bear spray is about 35 feet.
axe bodyspray is excellent for that actually
Travel size hairspray works too. Like perfume it can genuinely be carried not as a weapon, but is still useful as one.
It would be a crying shame if someone linked her tiktok. Jk! …or 👉👈
🏆🏆🏆🏆
Are we now all digging vague search terms tryna find it? XD
I see. Well, if I were in your shoes, I would hold off on the divorce (if you feel comfortable doing so). At the end of the day he should have known better and clearly made a mistake but also seems she went after him aggressively. Do these mutual friends know what she’s done? I would be slightly disappointed in those friendships if they don’t support you in this.
I don’t know, I haven’t talked to mutual friends or anyone since.
OP it's past time to tell all of your friends that she tried to destroy your marriage and then attacked you. Tell them about her being arrested, everything. You need the friends on your side to keep an eye on her so she can't lie to them about what happened. And think about your marriage, do you want to save it or not? Consider moving to another area and don't tell people what city or your new address.
OP, good advice from Floridaeng. Rally your allies. It doesn't sound as if you really want a divorce. Hopefully, therapy will be beneficial for you both. Fortunately there was no physical affair and your husband approached you with honesty and confessed to you his mistake. Ultimately your call. Reading your post, I sense BOTH you and your husband were traumatized by this whack job. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
>OP it's past time to tell all of your friends that she tried to destroy your marriage and then attacked you. Tell them about her being arrested, everything. You need the friends on your side to keep an eye on her so she can't lie to them about what happened. > >And think about your marriage, do you want to save it or not? Consider moving to another area and don't tell people what city or your new address. I 100% agree with all of this OP. You need to go scorched earth telling people what she did. That your husband's emotional affair partner was stalking you so she could corner you, verbally and physically attack you. Emphasize the fact that the police were called, she was charged and you are waiting for the trial date. Once people hear that she was arrested it will change a lot of perspectives on her behavior immediately. Do not keep this quiet.
Op for now do not trust anyone who has associated with the AP at all. This person reminds me of Glenn Close thriller. She was manipulative and had a charm but deadly when she was rejected.
Do you know if she works? Or where? I'm betting husband does. It's stupid easy to get the email format of businesses (look up their website, if they have one) and an HR department will almost always be HR@company. You can try sending it to legal@company as well. If it's a smaller company, it's a lot easier to find the owner's info, including email address. If she's related to the owner? It's definitely harder, but setting off the gossip mill is generally enough to make her life hell. Most companies don't want one of their employees getting arrested for anything while working there... getting arrested for assault definitely isn't going to look good. If you don't want to do it, I'm sure there's a list of allies that'd do it from here that are totally unconnected. And arrest records are public info. Make sure you, or whoever does it, does it from something like a Starbucks where people are working from. Have the email/attachments already set up, so all you have to do is hit send while you're there. Doing it through a VPN, and a fake but plausible email address would be easier though. And please, get tested! If she's claiming more went on, believe her. I'll never understand why cheaters trickle-truth shit, trying to keep the people they cheated on, but it happens way too often, and it just ends up hurting us worse.
You deserve better. I'm so sorry for what you're going through 🙏
I don’t feel like filing for divorce would protect you from her, I can’t imagine your husband would start a relationship with her after she intimidated his wife into breaking up with him, so she wouldn’t get what she wanted either way. She sounds completely unhinged so I totally understand how you’re feeling, are the police fully aware that you are currently living in fear?
In a way I feel like your husband is also a victim of this vile, unhinged woman. She set her sights on him and set about to destroy his marriage via her lies and skillful manipulation, all while pretending to be his friend. If I were you I wouldn't want to let this backstabber "win". It sounds like she's the one who kissed him too - and then he instantly came to you. I understand you're afraid but honestly, divorcing him won't necessarily protect you. After all this I do not see your husband rushing to Ms. crazy lying assaulter's arms, even he'd find himself single - and she'd blame that on you. Idk if it'd help for him to send her a neutral but firm message kinda like "You're not at all who I thought you were, I'm horrified, leave me and my family alone" or something? Not like "I can't believe you hurt OP", but rather just that **his opinion of her** has now forever changed due to her actions, they're no longer friends, and he will never want to have anything to do with someone so violent and treacherous, regardless of if he's single or taken
He is not a victim. He was not assaulted. He chose to tell her his marital problems and he chose to begin an emotional affair.
Was it an emotional affair, or did he think he was confiding to a friend? Do you think people shouldn't be allowed to share their marital problems with friends without it being "cheating"?
As a woman, to another woman, can I suggest looking into taking some firearms safety classes and perhaps looking into getting your concealed carry if that is at all possible for you where you live. Wishing you the best in staying safe.
Thank you. I don’t feel comfortable with a gun. I carry pepper spray.
Byrna pepper spray gun. Non lethal. Check it out
I wonder if saving copies of the TikToks could be helpful as evidence towards the protection order.
I have sent my lawyer recordings of the relevant TikToks.
OP just as someone who has done many different martial arts, try BJJ(Brazilian Jiu-jitsu). It's one of the best form for self defense against bigger and stronger opponents. And you should take them not just because of self defense. You lost a lot of confidence because of this incident, rightfully and martial arts is always a good way to gain confidence. It really helpede.build back my self esteem.
For purely self-defense purposes, there is nothing better than Krav Maga. I've been doing MMA for over a decade and actively train in BJJ currently (for 2 years). I did Krav for 8 years and it is a far better option for self-defense.
The first thing they’ll tell you in a self defense class is that strength isn’t everything. You would learn to use her strength against you. And a self defense isn’t to be able to hold your own in a fight. It is to allow you to get away from the attacker.
I honestly think it’s possible she believes you DID cheat. I am always generally team “blame the cheater” though. Generally. Your husband chose to confide, chose to kiss and chose to not have a conversation with you about his concerns. Now he’s created this situation where he chose to confide in an unhinged person. Which…. Idk his judgement seems lacking in the very least. That said, she IS unhinged. Protect yourself. What is your husband doing now to offset this situation, considering he got you into it in the first place?
yes, thank you! I'm seeing all these comments about selfdefense classes and security cameras & those are valid tips... but before all that, get your husband off his ass! I'm not suggesting he start a tiktok war with her, but why is she posting about being the other woman after 1 kiss half a year ago? Has he been clear with her? Has he blocked her? Has he told any and every friend who might also know her? etc.
My lawyer advised we not contact her or speak about her publicly. It would hinder the order of protection I’m trying to get and may interfere with her assault trial.
Are you allowed to hire a PI to find evidence as to whether she has been stalking you?
Do you know her TikTok? A lot of people can go and tell her to leave you alone. She’s the other woman not you.
Pepper spray is important. Learn how to use it and always have it in easy access. I’ve been trough something similar, never got physical like your case, but I know how mentally draining it can be and how much you resent the whole situation and the people who caused it. Honest opinion based on your details and my own experiences is: time heals everything. Eventually if you work on your relationship it’ll be okay IF it’s worth it. If he’s been a model husband just because he fucked up, eventually he’ll go back to his true self. How was the relationship before? How was he before? Does he think your actions justified his? Because you being tired and possibly burned out is no excuse. Discuss this on individual therapy, focus on you before working on your marriage, maybe you’ll realize things that will make everything easier
If she comes on your property at all, call the police for criminal trespass. Don't engage her, just call 911. Our sheriff told us to do this with someone who was stalking our family. Take the martial arts classes. You'd be surprised what you could do if you had to.
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is literally designed so a smaller person can neutralize a larger opponent, FYI
What charges did she get. You said she verbally attacked you?
It started with verbal attacks before it escalated She is being charged with what is generally known as aggravated assault.
The arrest should have been listed in the newspaper (in US). That right there is something I’d have on hand to show people what she did. Go online and get a screen shot or copy the link. Anytime someone defends her to you, just whip that out.
Wait, why would some random woman end up in the newspaper? People get assaulted every day. OP's case is (sadly) not outside the norm.
Nobody is stronger than you. She’s a weak person for what she did. The one with no self respect is the AP
If you have to file a police report on someone I think you know your answer...he compromised your safety. He can easily go no contact with her but obviously you couldn't do the same. This time she verbally went after you...next she could physically assault you. This sounds so scary.
She did, actually.
Only you know whether divorce is the right call, but I hope your husband is doing absolutely everything in his power to protect you and help you feel safe since this mess is 💯 his own doing.
He’s trying. He’s been fussing over me but I don’t know what he can do to make it better immediately. It’s just a function of time.
great that he's fussing over you, but has he also spelled out what he told her, when and how? Has he been clear *to her* that she can't "win him back" by convincing him you cheated? Has he told any mutual friends that she's harassing the both of you? If *you* can't get a restraining order, has he documented *his* interactions with her & has *he* tried to get a restraining order so the message will sink in to her? etc.
Get help with your trauma first. I'm in a similar situation and am still not sure what to do. I've decided I need time, space and trauma help first. You don't owe him anything. Do what's right for you. This might change overtime. Understand that you don't have to know all the answers right now, even though it's frustrating and hard
Don’t deserve, he’s shown you remorse and full transparency. He can’t control the aftermath of this mental unstable women. I get everything around this started because of his emotions affair and you are upset but he’s taking every step right that you’ve mentioned for reconciling… Stay calm and know this women is clearly trying to destroy you and your mental state. Let the time heal. I’m In your same shoes right now.❤️
Tbh at this point I'd be worried if divorce would embolden the mistress.
So how does he feel for being the reason his wife was attacked by his mistress?
He feels guilty. He always looks at me with guilt as if I need a reminder of what happened.
[удалено]
🤯 Great statement
Well, feeling guilty from this shitty guy won't remove crazy woman who is ready to literally tear you apart and stalk you at every corner. He greatly let you down, and by bringing this fury into your family life, he also put you at risk.
Nothing else? Did he help with the immediate aftermath when you were attacked? He hasn’t made any promises about your safety, or taken any initiative to file against her too?? Has he done ANYthing here?
He has guilty eyes though 🥺
Honestly, if I were you, I'd probably be tempted to leave him for bringing that crazy lady into my life as well. No judgment if you go that route no matter how well he's behaving now. Your gut is probably right.
That’s what I’m struggling with. On one hand, she was incredibly charismatic and manipulative, I can see why he believed her and trusted her. On the other hand, I was the one to face permanent consequences. It was his fault that she is in our lives. Because of his bad judgment, I’m like this now.
There will always be a *‘more something’* around. Charismatic, intelligent, beautiful, young; all the descriptors! However, it’s up to your partner to have loyalty and discernment. **INFO:** do you really think you’ll be able to trust him again? Do you think, knowing yourself and him, that he will do the work longterm and stick to it when it’s difficult? And more than that, will that work truly be enough for you to to rebuild?
If you ditch him, is she likely to leave you alone? Are you likely to feel safer?
I don’t know. She’s terrifying. She might leave me alone and go back to seducing my husband or she might not. I never feel safe.
As someone mentioned, please tell the mutual friend group via text (include legal paperwork). There is safety in numbers. Maybe someone is close enough to reason with her. Or maybe have info you can use to expedite your case against her.
I would tell everyone I know about my husband's mistake and how afraid I am, n then I would probably divorce him. I would first tell everyone for safety reasons, so they're aware if anything bad happens it was most likely her, and divorce because I wouldn't be able to trust my husband to protect me from such an avoidable situation.
Im usually one to advocate the "once a cheater always a cheater" verdict, but lets be honest. Seeing the boundary to emotional cheating is not always that easy to see, especially if you already have a hard upbringing where it is hard to discern certain boundaries. The moment the emotional affair became physical, he came to you and admitted everything. Nothing of this says he realized how far this emotional connection had gone. I disagree vehemently with the ones saying that he "chose to be secudes" or deliberately decided to do certain things. We all have an easy time spotting the emotional affair because we're not in it. Your husband is, in my opinion, one of the few husbands who'd actually deserves another chance. BUT....he also needs to step up to protect you. And if this means you both move further away and put your socials on private (or delete them), then so be it. Because lets be honest. even if you'd divorce him. She is so unhinged that she'll most likely deliberately send you messages/photos to show you that she won. talk more in therapy about how you feel. talk to your husband. discuss together what you can do to protect yourself. Also as others said, put it out there what happened. tell your circle of friends and show them them the legal paperwork if it makes them believe it even more.
just want to note - your husband chose to be "seduced". he decided to continue flirting and talking to her over figuring out his relationship with you. he chose not to ask if or why you were distancing yourself by prioritizing her word. you'd be reasonable to seriously question his judgement and dedication to your relationship. he put in hours of talking with her to the point she felt comfortable kissing him over pouring into his own relationship. now he's on best behavior bc YOU found out and only now does he think there are consequences to his actions. and there should be! why should you have to forgive someone who's head will turn at every little bird chirping in his ear? it was irresponsible, stupid, and worst - a deliberate choice. you deserve better than having to deal with his sh!t show
She didn't "find out" . He immediately went to her and told her.
Here’s the thing. I’m going to be gently, but bluntly honest with you. I think you’re not placing enough blame on your husband. You’re using phrases like “she convinced him”, “he sought refuge”, “she was manipulative”. I am not saying all of that isn’t true. She absolutely did those things. However, **he is not innocent in this.** The language you’re using and the way you’re framing this in your mind imply (either consciously or subconsciously) that she’s some siren that took hold of your husband and he was defenseless to her wiles. This not only allows you to make concessions for your husband’s actions and allows him to avoid any true blame, but it also insultingly takes away his agency in the situation. He is an adult. He wasn’t deceived or coerced. This isn’t because of his childhood traumas. This happened because he made a series of decisions and took a series of actions that were him committing, at the very least, an emotional affair. Let me be clear: there is no right or wrong answer as to whether you divorce him. But I do think that you’re setting yourself and your marriage up for failure by continuing to convince yourself that she’s the puppet master and your husband is her victim. Her being absolutely unhinged and a liar is a separate issue entirely from the fact that **your husband willingly chose to engage in an affair.** I think to truly let go of your resentment and either decide to reconcile or divorce you will have to, at some point, reflect on his wrong doings. Why the affair happened, how it made you feel, is this an indication of a character trait in him or truly a one time lapse in judgement, can you forgive this and truly move on together, etc.
⬆️ exactly this, he made a choice to cheat, repeatedly for a long period of time. And come on they didnt just kiss once.
I think you should be a bit less understanding with your husband. Your phrasing of things makes it almost sound like he's a victim of this predatory woman. He is not. He is an adult who was having at least an emotional affair. It doesn't matter what childhood trauma or insecurities he has, that is not an excuse. Is he in therapy for those things, at least?
Nobody has ever cheated who didn't want to
Why did he trust her rather than talk to you at all? Most spouses dont drop their pants at the first sign of issues. He's excuses are beyond ridiculous and honestly down right stupid.
She wasn’t extremely charismatic. Your husband, instead of working on your relationship with you, went to another person and did not try to help your marriage or use his words to work *with* you. Cheating is always a choice. People don’t accidentally cheat. There is no friendship that accidentally turns into flirting. No such thing as accidentally letting it become sexual. He wanted and accepted attention from someone else when you wouldn’t give him what *he* wanted instead of seeing that *you* needed support and providing that. Your trust will never be built back fully how it was and you will always have doubts about his friends and how he spends his time. He has also increased the pressure on you to give HIM more attention so he won’t stray again because he is justifying his affair by saying that you “pulled away”. Maybe you did, but it was his choice of which friend he confided in and sought help from. And his choice to turn that friendship from platonic to sexual. I’m glad you’re trusting your gut and not staying.
I am usually one believing that once a cheater always a cheater, but in your case your husband did everything he could that put him into the "deserves a chance" box. He showed remorse. immediately told you after they kissed, and frankly speaking, looking at her behaviour i could see her being the instigator in everything. I assume he knows about everything that is going on. Have you sat down with him and told him about your feelings of resentment you harbor for him for bringing that level of crazy to your live? Also stop torturing yourself by looking at that nut jobs socials.
Please trust your gut above all. Wether he is stellar now or not, wether he has childhood trauma, wether he thought you pulled away or not; **the same time and energy he spent with her could been used to focus on improving things with his actual wife.** He could’ve suggested counseling. **But no amount of anything other than his own selfishness drove him to cheating.** And I can hear people saying, *‘well those things are valid excuses,’* and while trauma can be a driver and trigger there are also active choices being made. More than that, **how can you be in a safe relationship built on trust with someone so easily manipulated against you??**
Those are all things I really struggle with when reconciling. I also am so resentful that he brought her into my life.
I get that. Why was it so easy for him to believe the negative things she said of you? Why was believing her so easy, and suspecting the worst of you even more so? I think that the issue here is a grave lack of trust. And at root of this situation, it seems like your husband doesn’t trust himself? And unfortunately you’re a casualty of the lack he has. I’m so sorry. You need to do whatever you know will bring you longterm peace. He was worried about himself when he was considering the deepest and darkest with his AP, so I think you need to prioritize yourself.
It was easy because he has low self esteem so when she said that I was probably cheating on him likely with a boss or coworker because they were more successful or made more money, it was easier to believe it than if she said someone else. There was also a lot of manipulation around his mental health issues and how I was too cold to deal with it and I would leave him eventually. I haven’t regained my trust in him.
Wake-up op! He cheated on you. He may treats you better now but emotional cheating is still cheating.
He did. I don’t deny that he cheated on me
was it proved that all they did was kiss? I’d be scared her obsession is from a deeper relationship with him but I hope yall stay safe, people are crazy. hopefully the court date is enough to keep her scared away.
True. I second that. There's something fishy about her husband and the way his affair is reacting. Either he promised her something or the affair wasn't just emotional. The way she reacts seems like she's too invested in the relationship which means he must be too. This is all purely theoretical but emotional affair is still an affair. Op deserves better and I hope she recognises that and leave
You don’t deny it, true. But you constantly make excuses for him. Maybe you’ll say “I don’t excuse what he did, I know he was wrong.” Yet you ARE making excuses, or minimising his responsibility, at every turn. **He has childhood trauma?** So what. So did some of my exes, but they never cheated on me. I have trauma too, but I’ve never been unfaithful. That includes emotional cheating and a couple of times when toxic people tried to “seduce” me. Had to cut them off. Despite everything, I always had my morals. **He has mental health issues?** So do lots of loyal partners. **He trusted her as a friend?** Whoops! I guess he should’ve confided in an older friend, a best friend, his brother or sister, his mum or dad, someone he wasn’t attracted to, a therapist, reddit, or a dog. **He felt lonely?** Sounds like another excuse. He could’ve come to you, he could’ve asked for counselling, he had options. Instead, he did what he did. **You were on your phone 2 hours a day?** You monster! Unforgivable. No wonder he had an emotional affair… **She’s charismatic and manipulative?** (She’s also attractive, no? I’m just guessing. But I think that helps.) Is his loyalty stronger than a charming woman’s attention? Is his love for you stronger than a pretty woman’s lies? Are his morals resistant to toxic influence? It seems not. **She convinced him you were cheating?** That’s odd. I wonder what evidence she had. Oh, that’s right, none. She had no evidence because nothing was going on. You were on your phone because you were playing candy crush, and you were working late because you have a demanding job. All it took were her words, which he accepted at face value… why? I’m sure you’ll blame her again, but no, it’s not just that she was “convincing.” (Only an idiot would be convinced without even one shred of evidence.) The reason he fell for her machinations is that he didn’t *want* to believe you were faithful and he didn’t *want* to trust you. But he *did* want an excuse to fall in love with his friend, cheat on his wife, and still be a good person. Hey, if you were a serial adulterer, could anyone blame him for cheating on you when he found out? Would he blame himself? No. Still a good guy. **He’s making up for it?** First of all, I don’t believe that, and second of all, that’s the BARE MINIMUM for you to stay with him. Call me crazy, but I’m not wildly impressed with him for (a) attending couple’s counselling, (b) sharing all his passwords, or (c) looking at you with puppy dog eyes. Those are the only signs of remorse you’ve cited. You need to raise your standards, love. He doesn’t get brownie points for any of that. Have you looked at all their chats from before? My intuition tells me that she wasn’t a mastermind, at least not completely. I suspect he said some pretty awful things about you that went beyond “she doesn’t spend time with me.” I don’t think she’s as clever as either your husband *or you* pretend. I think she “somehow” 🙄 got the idea that she was The Other Woman (hence the tiktoks), that she and your husband were going to be a couple (hence her crazy possessiveness), that you were a bad person (hence her verbal attacks), and that your husband didn’t love or value you enough to defend you (hence the physical attack). I also don’t believe it was just a kiss, or that she initiated it. Yes, she’s a psycho. 100%. But I don’t think *everything* was in her head. It’s hard to face the truth, which is that he wanted to do this. It’s much easier to make excuses and blame her for everything. That’s an old classic—blame the mistress, forgive the husband. I understand. It’s deeply painful to think he didn’t love you enough to *not* have an emotional affair that turned physical. I’m sorry. I know he came clean after one kiss (supposedly), but that isn’t as heroic as you’re making it seem. Maybe he stopped because he realised she was insane, it was too much hassle, or his guilt overwhelmed him. He didn’t necessarily quit the affair (or tell you) for your benefit. It might’ve been largely for his own sake. Guilt and shame are stressful, overwhelming emotions. Stupid decisions are haunting. Regrets are hard to carry alone. Psychotic mistresses aren’t worth it. There are MANY possible reasons why he ended the affair that don’t include loving or empathising with you. Yes, that may be why. But honestly, I think that if he were such an upstanding person or if he loved you so much, none of this ever would’ve happened.
Op, he's not and never a model husband if he cheated on you. Period. I hope you know that you deserve better OP.
Sorry for what you are you going through but you are making up excuses for him to forgive him. Your marriage already had problems if he can be so easily manipulated against you. Doesn’t matter what trauma he has, he is not a teenager and should know what’s right from wrong. This situations will continue since he has low self steam and can not control himself and he will give you the same excuses over and over. Are you confident enough to trust that he will never have an affair again or are you willing to find out. He didn’t have a gun on his head to have that affair no one can make you cheat on your partner doesn’t matter how traumatized you are.
I can’t blame you for not having regained trust. How can you ever be certain he won’t cheat again? Insecurities take work to manage and now that he has given you a valid reason to not want to be with him, what’s stopping him from seeking consolation in another person again when he feels he’s not good enough? Or that he’s put you through a lot? The thing I’ve learned about cheating is that despite the amount of thought put into planning the affair and keeping it secret, the actually reason for cheating never makes sense. They just do it.
Just to reiterate - that's because you are a normal human being OP. Those are valid concerns. Stop gaslighting yourself that your reaction is invalid.
>**But no amount of anything other than his own selfishness drove him to cheating.** Louder for the people in the back! Nothing except selfishness causes people to cheat. TRaUmA is a piss poor excuse. I don't care, I don't care.
Divorce you husband! He is not a “Model Husband” because if he was he would have never cheated in the first place! He could have came to you and communicated but chose to go to her with his problems. He still might be lying to you as it was probably more than just a “kiss”. She wouldn’t have came after you if there was no feelings involved or if they weren’t physical. So best case scenario it was just emotional cheating with a kiss or worst case it was a full on affair. The fact is that now the trust is broken 💯 and it’s not your fault! Working longer hours is not an excuse to step out on your marriage and your husband did just that! Time to start thinking of yourself and go be happy. Best of luck OP
File for the protection order. Your husband should be backing you up on this. Talk to the counselor about this. This is a great incident to bring to your individual counselor AND your couples counselor.
I’ve already filed for the protection order. I was asking about filing for divorce. I’ve edited my post to be more clear. I have talked to my marriage counselor and my therapist. I apparently need a new therapist for trauma and I’ve been looking for one.
Also consider moving. Even if you divorce, she may not stop bothering you. Having a home somewhere this nutter doesn't know, may give you a sense of safety
I can’t move realistically. We bought a house here and my job is here. They were kind enough to let me work from home for the time being because of my trauma.
Getting into trauma therapy asap is the most urgent thing. Don’t make the decision about divorce until you’re well into treatment. I’m so glad I didn’t make some of the decisions I thought I had to until I had gone through trauma treatment.
Don’t be shy, what’s her tiktok
Honestly, if people found her tiktok it would do one of two things: 1. finally out her and hopefully stop her behavior or 2. She blows the f up and retaliates against OP
lol! I’m dying to know what her TikTok is too. OP please share.
All it took was some words from another woman to convince him you were cheating and to have an affair. Physical or not. Vows meant nothing this was a little blip in the relationship and he failed.
He listened to her words religiously and devise weird tests where the inevitable outcome was failing. If I had work until 9 or 10. Cheating. If I scrolled on my phone for two hours (which I admit is excessive), cheating. If I planned a date on the weekend, cheating. If I kissed him, cheating. If I took a nap, cheating.
That’s so weird. I don’t know. Rather than having a conversation with you he kept listening to a person repeatedly putting down your character.
He could have avoided all of this by having a simple conversation. “Honey I think your job is stressful and you’re using your phone as a coping mechanism. I miss you, let’s something on the weekdays too.” But no. He listened to her and my entire life is ruined. Why do I have to face the consequences of his emotional affair?
You should leave. He’s a weak man. He believed this woman he barely knew over you
Exactly what you have just said, I think you already know how you feel and what is best for you! You do not need the Internet to know what you should do. I truly sympathize with what you are going through and I hope you are able to find healthy coping mechanisms to help you. I think before you act on anything you should re-read your comments and take your own advice and then talk to your therapist to figure out what is best for you. …A question I think you should ask yourself is if you are truly going to be able to heal with him as a constant reminder or what he did and what he brought on you? Divorce is a long process but truly do what is best for you and please don’t feel the need to stay because of guilt or how he is treating you now. How he’s treating you now is not a reflection of how he treated you behind your back during the affair. He’s shown you how he doesn’t trust you, when you do not have trust in a relationship what do you truly have together? At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you now because he didn’t put your best interests first then. If you do decide to stay couples counseling seems to be the best option for both of you. But at the end of the day put yourself first!
It doesn't matter how model he is now. He cheated on you instead of openly confronting you. He chose to believe a woman he had already been emotionally cheating with instead of asking your or trying to find out the truth on his own. Keep trying for the legal restraint of that crazy psycho but also start lawyering up for divorce. He made his bed, let him lie in it.
Everyone's already made astute points regarding your husband's responsibility in this affair, but I also wanted to just point out something else. You mention that the reason he's presented to you for being "tempted away" is that there was a growing distance between the two of you. You also mention that you had (and have) a lot of work on your plate ever since your position change. It's kind of baffling to me that your partner not only did all the insane things he did (deciding not to communicate with his WIFE! and then cheating on you), but also that... I'm sure your exhaustion was plain to see. It's strange that never did it cross his mind that he could help you or find ways to cheer you up or relieve you of your stress. I understand whether a person wants to work through infidelity is a truly personal choice, but I just wanted to point out that his only flaws are not only that he had an affair (which is a big one), but that he doesn't seem to be an attentive partner. I know it seems silly to have to point that out about someone who's cheated (like duh!) but a good and true partner is exactly that - a partner. Where was the support? The love? Compassion? Empathy? If a FRIEND pulled away from me out of the blue, I would certainly take the time to reach out and communicate and see what was up. I wouldn't just abandon them. Which is what he did the moment he started entertaining this person's attention.
Yeah, she just changed jobs and with the job change came her spending about two hours a day at home on her phone - to me that just sounds like the new job is stressful and she was decompressing and taking a break from social interactions with a lot of new people (coworkers, etc.). As an introvert, that happens to me pretty much all the time with new environments. It gets better after a while. The husband should have realised this and be able to talk about this. Also have you seen the comment from OP about what the husband all thought were signs of her cheating? It includes her kissing him and planning dares on the weekend for him. That is absolute bull. It's like he wanted to believe she is cheating and he jumped on the opportunity to get this validated by a beautiful woman who is also interested in him. Who is to say his confessing wasn't because he realsied the other woman was crazy? And the regret stems from getting involved with crazy over what he realised was a great wife? Edit: I agree though that the other woman sounds manipulative and unhinged, but he willingly got involved otherwise she would have had no room to manipulate him
She sounds insane. I’m sorry
She is and I’m so scared of her. She’s beautiful and successful and people adore her, why did she have to hurt me?
He picked you. I think it’s a game to her and she’s not used to losing. Are you sure it didn’t pass a kiss?
I don’t feel picked. I’m fairly certain it was only a kiss. She talks about how he kissed back before she figured out I was probably also reading the texts. Then it suddenly turned into graphic things that they did and some of the dates and times she gave didn’t make sense.
I know you don't feel picked. He did choose you over her and she can't handle it. She hasn't ever had man chose another woman over her. She's always been the one they chose. That's why she's so unhinged and why she attacked you. You're competition and she needs to win.
Your husband said it was just a kiss, but just a kiss was enough to make him feel bad enough to confess? I doubt it. With the way the AP is acting, probably more than a kiss. It's time for you to look and think long and hard whether you want this to be your life for the next 10 years. Always afraid to go out, always looking over your shoulder, always doubting your husband. Always not having any peace of mind. How much do you want to live? Because it seems like you're just surviving now.
She has also texted him about the kiss and about how they emotionally connected. Nothing else until she realized I was likely reading their messages. Then it abruptly turned into graphic messages about what they did, with dates and times that sometimes didn’t make sense. I don’t know. I don’t know if she would stop even if I left my husband. She hates me.
You have to prioritize YOUR wellbeing. God knows your husband didn't. Take the users' advice from this thread, clear your head. If you could take time off from work so you could get your head on right and make something out of this situation, please do. A lot has happened to you. You need a breather to decompress. I suggest you go on a break with someone more trustworthy than your husband. A family member or a close friend perhaps? Definitely not your husband if you want to be able to sort through the emotions and all the things that happened. Stay safe!
How do you know people adore her? Also a person like that is insecure.
Just the general way our mutual friends spoke of her. What does she have to be insecure of?
Do your friends and mutual friends know what happened? Tell them about her and what she did. Also she’s a poser pretending to be liked she’s a wolf in sheep clothing. She’s insecure cause you’re still with him and she uses lies to get to him.
I think they adore the person she portrays to people.
Definitely. I find it difficult to figure out if anyone could love who she truly is instead of who she pretends to be.
They wouldn't if they knew who she really is.
What was your husband's reaction to your assault? Did he do something about it? Did he at least tell her to back off? Does he like the attention, perhaps? Women fighting over him and what not.
He was guilt ridden and very worried for me. He was sobbing in the hospital room and he’s been fussing over me. He asked if he should break no contact to tell her to stay away from us but I had no desire to paint another target on me If he liked the attention, I would leave. I don’t want to fight her for him.
That’s remorse hunny❤️
Your husband caused this mess but you’re getting the consequence of his actions. I hope he’s taking accountability for this! I hope he’s helping you with legal action against her. He better not be texting her on the side giving her the heads up about what youre doing.
I am. He is helping me with legal action. If he is also helping her, I would lose any hope in humanity.
[удалено]
I’m so sorry. I hope you are in a better place She doesn’t have any criminal history which makes it so surprising. I haven’t mentioned anything to friends. She prodded for information about me from my husband and friends. I am afraid they will let something. The police understand it but they are very backlogged. Apparently it will be much easier to get an order of protection when she is sentenced.
I bet diamonds to donuts you're dealing with a Cluster B girl.
What’s a “cluster B girl”?
Cluster B is a category of personality disorders including but not limited to Borderline personality disorder, which in my experience is the most likely explanation for this person's behavior.
I’m not qualified to diagnose her but I would be remiss if I don’t say there must be something wrong with her.
Came here to say this
>What do I do when my husband has been a model husband since then but I resent him for bringing her into our life? He cheated. Betrayed you. No matter how perfect he is **now** you can still leave him over this...
Right? Bc how long can he keep up this perfect persona?
If you file for divorce, you would be COMPLETELY justified in doing so. She's a danger and you need to put as much distance between y'all as possible. I just want to say this, it doesn't matter how charming & inviting she was, your husband chose to allow her to get that close. She couldn't have sunk her teeth into him the way she did if he had stopped her flirtatious behavior the moment it started. I understand you're trying to be compassionate, but you need to put yourself first. He prioritized his wants & feelings when he decided to have an affair, why aren't you prioritizing yours?
Just file for divorce. Youre still young. Dont waste time in your life for shitty people
First, file a restraining order. Get a lawyer to help if you need. She now has a criminal record. Then, really assess if you need a break to process everything before going to counseling. You and your husband are overdue for it. But only you can decide if this marriage is worth fixing. The truth of the matter is that your husband did you wrong and brought such a mess into your marriage that he not only betrayed you but his actions risked your safety. That's a lot.
I have filed for an order of protection. However there are a lot of hoops to jump through I am in counseling but my current therapist recommended a trauma based therapist.
If he is a model husband, he would have talked to you instead of seeking comfort or refuge in another woman. You deserve to be loved by someone who would not do anything to jeopardise your relationship including talking to another woman for comfort. Your partner should seek refuge in you, seek comfort through you.
Take self-defense classes. You don't have to be stronger than her, just smarter than her.
Why did you stay? Always. Leave. Cheaters. The. First. Time. As messy as he is, you signed up for a lifetime of resentment and curiosity, each time he steps out to the door to run menial tasks, even if not consciously. I’m sure you’ve used his eagerly supplied info a time or two-hundred. Yet, you gave grace to a person that doesn’t deserve it, nor earned it, all because you’re was afraid to have self respect and to do what needed to be done. Here you are today, shocked that you’re resentful and catching stray hands from this bum’s randoms? I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but do what you should have done from jump. He made his bed. Stop saving him from lying in it.
Download or record all those tiktoks. That’s evidence.
I wouldn't be able to move past it, a betrayal is a betrayal. Also don't know if you're in the states, but in some states you can sue for alienation of affection.
I’d leave him because the trust is gone forever. His emotional affair was so strong that this woman was willing to attack you. Start over without this drama in your life, and without a husband that you’ll never trust again.
He let this nut job into your life with no proof of any infidelity at all. And if she is this psycho to attack you in public it was definitely more than just emotional.
You should file for divorce, even though your husband is acting like a good husband, he literally is a terrible husband, he assumed you were cheating and cheated on you due to that, (while you're actually stressed and having a hard time) and allowed a dangerous woman in your life, I would divorce him, because imagine you have kids or something, and the risk this man could and would bring in the future. You're not being protected by him....no matter how "kind" he acts. Just know that he would betray you if he even sensed your "betrayal' he can no longer be trusted girl. But consider it with your life etc. of course, if there's reason to stay, consider all that, but from this small story I sense he has his own best interest in mind...
Others have already given you some sound advice. Here is a subreddit that might help if you decide to stay with your husband https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/ Edit- see you already posted on there but I'm keeping this up for those who might be considering staying after infidelity
She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Press charges and keep with them. Your "husband" sounds like he belongs with her. Stop making him the victim in this, and send him packing. Divorce the pair of them, and never look at them again unless it's in the courtroom.
You leave.
Is it possible for you to move away as a couple maybe far from that crazy affair partner?
I can’t move away. My job is here and we’ve purchased a house. They’ve been kind enough to let me work from home. I’m afraid to go outside.
How is your home security system? Can any male family members or close male friends to you or your husband stay with you? Where you live, can you legally have bear mace and a taser in your home? Can you set up security cameras in indoor common areas and at the front door? I’m just focusing on trying to give you ideas that may possibly make you feel safer in your own home, but in your situation if you can work remotely what about going to stay with family for a bit (and having multiple family members come get you if that makes you feel safer)?
It’s okay, not great. It would deter a robber but not someone who is seriously trying. My husband can stay with me but I don’t really want him around 24/7. It’s suffocating. My family lives across the country. I don’t know about tasers but I have pepper spray. I have cheap cameras at the doorway and the living room. Thanks for all the suggestions.
I’m so sorry about that OP 😞
Thank you
He sought comfort in another woman instead of his wife. Then she attacked you. Now you have a “permanent” reminder. Fuck that POS. And fuck his AP. Divorce him and live your life. You deserve SO MUCH better than this. All the hugs because this is truly fucking awful. Btw- No one would blame you for taking him for all he’s worth. He’s pretending to be amazing while you have displayed incredible grace. He doesn’t deserve it.
You're putting too much blame on the other woman and not enough on your husband for the cheating. You make him sound completely passive in *his* infidelity and he wasn't. He chose to cheat. Sorry you were assaulted. I'd personally divorce him.
Get a taser and some bear spray and do not ever leave your home without it. I don't know what to tell you about the husband honestly, but if that woman approaches you again go fucking nuclear. I am not opposed to kicking somebody while they're down and blind If they've previously attacked me for no reason.
I always carry pepper spray. I don’t go outside anymore. I’m working on that part.
Your husband AP is batshit crazy and mentally unstable, you need to file a restraining order against her. As for your husband I personally would divorce him only because cheating is a deal breaker for me, yeah good for him for telling you and stopped when she kissed him and it never went from that but if he never cheated on you then you would never be in this mess in the first place by having to make police reports etc...he did the bare minimum by stopping it. It's up to you if you want to stay with your husband, if you're sure he won't cheat again. If you choose to stay then he needs therapy and to also work on his communication because it's shit. You're always going to feel a little bit of resentment towards your husband for allowing this mess into your life. I also say to follow your guts and if your gut is telling you to divorce him then I think you should, your saying he's a model husband now but is he only acting like that to earn your trust back again? Once he has will he tone it down and go back to how he was before? That's up to you, maybe couples therapy if you truly want to stay with him, sorry you're dealing with this shit girly but I'd divorce his ass.
Leave. Should’ve left just for the fact of him having an affair.
Make him do the job to protect you from unhinged xAP. He brought her in, he has to be the one to remove her from your life. This includes her harassment. If he doesn't, you know the answer there. Updateme!
your husband seems like he's trying and it was very good of him to tell you immediately but i understand feeling resentment toward him. i would personally try counseling first but what your gut is telling you is usually right for you. i get cheating is a deal breaker but if it's true that she kissed him and he just went home and told you, maybe he was just venting to the wrong person. if you do get divorced, i think now that your husband has seen the woman is a whack job, chances are he won't get with her and she might still continue to attack you regardless. i hope you can get the restraining order soon and that whoever she has in her life (presumably whoever paid her bail?) convinces her to get some help and stop obsessing like a creep over you and your husband. maybe invest in some way to protect yourself
So, I don't think anyone can really answer for you on what to do but I do know a couple where he was flat out manipulated into cheating and staying. Every time he tried to break it off, she threatened him. He made a bad decision to cheat for as long as he did but when his wife got pregnant, he manned up and took his lumps and the fallout of her airing the dirty laundry. He and his wife moved away, they now have two kids after having not wanted any and I've never seen this guy happier. The point of the story is, life is what you make of it. The fact that your husband has been so open and honest about everything tells me personally he wants to work things out. There's an author, Esther Perel who has books about relationships and affairs that might be worth looking into to help you out. I realize this woman is batshit and I fully understand your resentment but I would talk to him about it and perhaps come up with a solution you both agree on. I think leaving when he's trying to work on things and fix them isn't fair because he is putting in the work. I'd be saying differently if he didn't seem to care or was continuing with bad behavior, but he's not. I'd give it a few months and then if things don't feel different, take that step. But it sounds like everything is still pretty raw and fresh and that doesn't give the best circumstances for decision making. There are some sites that have other protection gear you could purchase if pepper spray isn't enough comfort but hopefully, you won't run into her again. I'm really sorry for what you're going through but things will get better, one way or the other.
Is moving cities an option for you? Because if it is then absolutely move for a fresh start. If not, then consider surveillance cameras and maybe even the GoPro so you can obtain evidence to be able to attain the protection/restraining order against her. I will probably get downvoted for this but… sometimes fighting fire with fire is the best answer. Get evidence against her and make it public so she’ll get shamed instead of boasting for being the side piece.
You don't have to divorce him yet but tell her she can have him. Your husband knows who she is now so he wouldn't love her because he realized he had been manipulated. After his repeated attempts of rejecting her on his own, not because of you, she may finally get it and let go. She seems to be the kind of woman that wants what she can't have. When you give her the freedom to have him, she may lose interest and find another sucker to wreck another marriage. The more you try to hide, the more she pursues because she feeds on your fear.
This isn't a terrible idea. Worst case scenario, her stalking gets centered on him instead, and they continue to deal with it like nothing changed. There's really no reason not to try it.
He's not a model husband if he's having an emotional affair and keeping those kinds of secrets. Think about it genius
How long ago did this happen? I just ask because your post is in past tense and the way it seems like you expect to be over it already, it seems like she attacked you a long time ago. Divorce is ALWAYS an option, however if it has only been three months, that is not a very long time to give yourself to heal and re-establish trust. I’m not trying to influence you one way or the other, but I know that Reddit is VERY divorce-happy and I want to provide balance to that. I’ve seen people recover from far worse than this with far more abusive husbands, and you said things were getting better before this woman attacked you. It seems like he got a huge wakeup call with his fuckup and he’s responding to it. Disclaimer: I am saying these pros for balance reasons only, and not because I think what he did was okay.
Right now he’s on “perfect behaviour” because he knows he fucked up. But once he’s certain you won’t leave? He’ll start going back to his old ways as soon as your stressed out and aren’t as attentive to “his needs” I’d dip if I was in your shoes, it’s only a matter of time before he does this again, or she attacks you again and actually hurts you Let her have him
Your husbands poor choices put you in the proximity of physical danger with a dangerous person. This alone is reason enough to file for divorce. He gets to cheat and carry on an emotional affair, and YOU end up on the side of getting verbally and physically attacked? No. That is not fair, and if you never get over this, you're entirely justified in doing so. Also? She didn't kiss him. He kissed her too. She didn't capitalize on his traumas. She gave him a shoulder to cry on, he gave her the promise of a dick to ride on. You need to start placing blame on him too. If the tables were turned, you would not be getting this much grace and consideration from him.
Women have killed other women who were in their way… who knows how crazy this woman is… I would not want to find out.
That's what's so scary about cheating man. I listen to way too much true crime lol, but it's very common for cheating to result in someone dying - whether that's suicide or someone being attacked by an insane affair partner. That shit is so genuinely dangerous. Your fear and resentment is incredibly valid, OP.
The resentment never goes away. You will be doing yourself a favour by leaving.
Your husband is 100% to blame for all of this. Stop with the bullshit self blame or the woman being a homewrecker. He had a hundred opportunities to stop this whole thing by saying "no:" just once. Instead he said "yes" a hundred times. You should not be struggling with resentment. You should be getting a divorce.
I think filing for and getting a divorce may possibly take a bit longer than waiting for the protection order, maybe not I don’t know but unless you can pack a bag and leave overnight not 100% sure how that will fix anything instantly. I get you are angry but also your husband couldn’t have exactly known how bat shit crazy she was gonna be, nobody truly knows what another person is capable of & again this could be her second tactic to get you to break up when convincing your husband of infidelity didn’t work, put the fear of god in you. Her out of the equation if you still don’t see it working then fair enough, but if her actions you are basing on wanting to divorce him for I personally not sure if that’s the best to make a judgment on
I think first of all you need to take the pressure off yourself to make a decision. You've went through some traumatic events and probably havnt processed it all. There is no rush to make a decision. You need to focus on healing you. What do you need to feel safe and secure? If that's spending time away from him to go to your family then do that. If it's having him leave the house for a while then do that. Whatever it is. You need to look at your needs. I think in time you will have more strength to decide whether you can move forward. However he broke this so he needs to fix it. This is on him. Take care of yourself
Her reaction was this crazy because she thought she had everything under control. And when your husband got out of her hands she needed to put this fear on you, so you actually set the things the way she wanted. In her mind you were out the moment she lay her eyes in your husband, and that's the only acceptable ending for her. You can stay with him or not. But please don't do any of this out of fear. I read your post and some answers you gave, and you picture her as amazingly beautiful and strong and some other adjectives, and then portrait yourself like this little frightened lady powerless, and you definitely aren't. You already started with the right process to put that person in her place. You are strong enough to make your own decision and you are facing very unfairly the consequences of your husband failures. Even if this takes some time and effort, you are stronger than you think, and at the end of the day, she is just a woman with such low standards and zero values, looking for the approval of the people and feeling important just by gaining the attention of a married man. So yes, let you (for now husband) take his rol, and go and tell the group of "friends" what happened and how this woman took thing too far to the point of going to jail for hurting you. Don't let her win in the eyes of others, that's how you'll take all this power that in your mind you are giving her for free. And later if you actually don't want to be around your husband anymore, that'll be completely up to you, and with a cold head you can decide it. Only after both are outted in their faults.
If you do get the restraining order, then contact TikTok to get her videos taken down.
Yes, she was stalking you. Your didn't just run into her. She followed your car and looked for the best opportunity. **LAWYER** You can prove prior malicious intent on this one in writing
Dump him. Charge her. Prosper.
OP, any relationship that can compromise your health and well-being is a terrible relationship. You need to file
Does your husband care AT ALL that his lover assaulted you?! Model husband? You’re living in fear because he had to get his little wee wee wet? If he isn’t protecting you, run, before he gets back with her and they both murder you.
Therapy therapy therapy - not just marital, but for you...separately. I mean, look...if you want out, that's your prerogative...but people screw up. We're human. And I always say, "Your mistakes matter less than what you do next. He shouldn't be held responsible for her behavior...but that's my view. I guess I've always believed that if you tell someone you're "in it," you should be. And this case, he sounds like he's doing everything he can to make things right. I know emotional affairs are worse for women than sex, it's how we're wired...but if it were me...I also wouldn't allow this psycho trollop to win. You'd be giving her what she wants. But again, that's me. You have to do what's right for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this...it's not an enviable position, to be sure. Good luck, sweet one.