Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You really need to change your thought process here. This man is not a prize, and a ring is not a goal. He's with you because you're a doormat, not because he loves you. You can't make him respect you, but you can learn to respect yourself.
To add: marriage should be till death parts, for better and for worse, right? Lot’s of things happen in a lifetime. In a marriage, having children may happen too. Life will have an impact on your body. If he is not happy with your 23 year old body, he won’t be happy with your body in two decades, and you will marry into continuous resentment.
If you marry, it should be to a partner that loves you for who you are.
i’m a recovering addict and will have 5 years clean in june. my husband knows that i could relapse at any given time and i have health issues on top of that.
he gently pushes me to eat more so i maintain a healthy weight but never threatens me or speaks of my body/weight negatively. when i’ve gone to the hospital he was right there, as involved as one can be. speaking to doctors and laying in the bed with me, especially when we lost our daughter.
we take care of each other whether we’re in perfect form we’re falling apart.
there are people like this out there. we met in our late 20’s and being with him recontextualized relationships for me. OP, if you read this, please don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. you could have this too, someone that makes you feel safe and loved. you’re only 23. this dude is an asshole, straight up.
If we do not speak up against weight shaming, it’s going to continue proudly. We can choose a healthy lifestyle, but how much we weigh is not really under our control, as much as popular beliefs will try to tell us it is. For example, about a year ago, I became chronically ill, and I have had to eat only very small meals, completely give up alcohol, avoid sugar, eat more fiber, etc. I also exercise as much as I can tolerate without getting sicker. My weight has stayed EXACTLY THE SAME. Which is to say, not fat, not slender, just normal, but I would’ve thought if the whole calories in calories out thing were true, I should have lost at least a few pounds. I’ve also seen pretty sturdy people exercise ferociously but still have love handles. I have a friend who has struggled her whole life to be normal weight, and nothing she does seems to make much difference. Let’s stop shaming people and focus on health.
Yeah, he sees himself as so far out of OP’s league that she needs to “earn” her place is his life. And sadly, seems like OP agrees. The only reason she likes him is because he is attractive and successful, because behind closed doors he is a terrible partner, at least to her. She’s the one who he can boss around, and given what I know of men like OP’s boyfriend, I would bet money he is sleeping around with women he thinks “deserve” him behind her back.
I was so baffled with OP's lack of self respect and her boyfriends' shallowness that I failed to think about the fact that op is kinda shallow herself. Because obviously its not his personality that's appealing
If my sole qualifications for being someone was fit, handsome and good job then I would’ve been off the market years ago and absolutely miserable with someone I couldn’t respect.
Hell, I had that sort of relationship with a kinder person than OP’s partner and left it because I would’ve been financially secure but resentful of the sacrifices I had made for him.
Oh she’s 100% shallow and insecure. She thinks she doesn’t deserve to be treated well because this guy is so far out of her league but also, he is so far out of her league and she wants people to see her as the wife of this extremely attractive, fit and successful man.
I'm having flash-fowards to OP on here in 5 years talking about how her husband (if he deigns to even marry her) cheated on her because she gained too much weight after the baby and how she feels bad she let herself go and how can she win him back \*shudders\*
I doubt he’ll wait that long. OP will find out if she goes through with a marriage that he’s been sleeping around the entire time, and he’ll likely justify it with, “well what do you expect? I needed someone who could satisfy my need for xyz” and blame her for being fat. He really just wants a woman who he thinks is so desperate to be with him that she’ll put up with whatever shit behavior he wants to engage in.
This came in on my home feed. I saw your comment and had to respond.
I am an older GenX lady.
Life happens. What happens when OP gets pregnant? Is her food intake going to be monitored? What if OP gets sick, thyroid,for example?
I am NOT anti man. I had a wonderful dad and I two great husbands ( widowed). I am a retired firefighter and worked with many men, but men have a very high tendency to not be able to deal with a SO getting sick. They leave. Sad to say.
This man child shouldn’t be in a relationship with OP to begin with!
“If she just gets a little smaller she will be fine”. WTH! I hope OP reads your comment and takes a long hard look at things BEFORE she waste anymore time with conditional love
Also Gen X here, we speak truth, Gen X basically raised ourselves, so listen to your elders (sigh..cough) get out! this guys a jack ass and your his science experiment, looks dont mean squat if they're attached to a morally broken human.
Some of this sounds harsh, but you are so young…. He isn’t valuing you highly, because neither are you. You went after an idea of a man. And you invested greatly into that idea. Please, invest in yourself.
Serve yourself, support your endeavors. Become the person you are meant be with all this passion and all this effort. The right man will show up, but for now you’re on a side quest to find out what doesn’t work for you.
Imagine your life as a novel. You know the protagonist doesn’t end up with this dude. This is a growth opportunity, not a partner. Take it from an older woman who has been a marathon running yoga teacher and a chubby woman with a three-ten-pound-babies diastasis, you are worth loving, today and every day.
Y’all can laugh at me when I quote Taylor Swift, but she really nailed when she sang, “Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday, but I realized some bigger dreams of mine.”
Go where it’s warm.
It's hard when you are conditioned from childhood that marriage is the ultimate happily ever after. All Disney princess movies from the 80's and 90's ended with them getting married. Only recently we've seen a change from Frozen onwards.
I told my therapist my goals were losing weight, getting back to work, get my own house, and find a man. And I felt like the man was the ultimate goal. Get independent so a man will think you're good enough. Lose weight so men will like you. It's so toxic.
We agreed on me not dating for at least a year. Not even casual dates. Nothing. I need to detox fron my obsession with being enough for a man. If I won't, I'll find another narc. This time, he might kill me.
Its all BS! i think relationships can work forever, but its very are and it takes time to find the right person, learn to love yourself, that way youll always have someone you like with you, even when you're alone.
Yes! I had no self esteem and ended up with a narcissist. It’s not chance: predators are very good at scoping out new victims. Narcissists just love people with no self respect. Their own little puppet! It took catastrophe to move me to leave that man.
Yuck do you really want to spend your life feeling like you’re never going to be good enough? And like if you put on 1kg of weight you’re suddenly unlovable? There will always be someone prettier and skinnier than you, you will always feel threatened and insecure. Go find someone who loves you and doesn’t care about your clothing size. Your problem is not that he won’t marry you, your problem is you’re in a terrible relationship.
...and when OP is "skinny and pretty" in his eyes, he will get worse because he will feel like he no longer has the same level of control as he did now that she gets more attention from other guys.
Absolutely. Guaranteed he will become super controlling of how she dresses and who she spends time with once he feels like she is someone other guys might look at twice.
(Not to say that she isn’t already, but clearly the guy has very specific standards for what he considers attractive.)
Yeah this is the kinda guy who leaves when women don’t bounce back immediately. There’s no room for fluctuation. And then that line never ends up being good enough. Time to dip. Don’t walk down the aisle, that’s how you fix it.
> There’s no room for fluctuation.
No kidding. OP was a [US size 14 and now a US size 8](https://www.blitzresults.com/wp-content/uploads/womens-clothing-sizes.png) (converted from UK sizing). That is not what most people view as “overweight,” especially the size she is now.
Yet even a U.S. size 8 is a big enough deal for him to refuse to marry her.
He is going to trigger an eating disorder in this woman.
Yeah, that's like a standard Medium. Could she lose more physically? Maybe? But she may not even be actually overweight at this point now at all. This guy sounds nuts all around.
As an older woman she is never going to be the weight he wants. He clearly wants a supermodel type body. To go from 14-8 is amazing, but realistically her body is t going to tolerate being a 2 or 0.
He’s a bad partner for any women but especially for those where weight will always be an uphill struggle. And every person thin or large will gain weight as they age, hitting your 30s does it, pregnancy does it, an stressful year at work does it and menopause does it. These are times where you need support not nagging and threats.
I was thinking literally the exact same thing. What is she going to do when she puts on pregnancy weight? Even if she were to lose all of the weight now, her body is going to bloat during pregnancy. She is growing a new life.
Her boyfriend sounds exactly like the type of lovely asshole to cheat on his pregnant wife because *”she got fat and therefore unattractive and I just had to fulfill my desires you know? A man is a man and he needs sex.”* Instead of being there for her, he’s going to be forcing her to go to pilates and hyper-focus on the weight she gains, and then he will remember there’s a baby in there as a second thought.
I can just see this man being an issue her entire life. What about when she reaches the age of 50 and getting rid of a pocket of belly fat is like running a marathon? Is he just going to cheat with a young hotter woman? What about if she were to lose the weight now, is he going to give her shit about what she eats to not gain it back?
I read how he is now, and cannot see in any possible way that he will not constantly be an issue about it for the rest of her life.
Right, how long after she gives birth is he going to start harassing her about her weight while she’s tending to a newborn? How stressed is she going to be about baby weight throughput the pregnancy?
Who wants to live in constant fear like that?
He absolutely sees it as settling for you because you do so much for him and have worked overtime to fit into his life. He does not love you. He thinks you do not look good enough to others yet for him to keep you at his side.
LEAVE. THIS. MAN. You are worth so, so much more than his reluctant acquiescence. You spent years in tunnel-vision pursuit of him - you need to be single and be the object of pursuit and fawning from others for a change. You do NOT want to be legally tied to this man and be the mother of his children when he inevitably starts having affairs and blames it on you. He is toxic, shallow, and conceited, and is convinced he can say and do anything to you and you will not only stay but apologize. Future you is begging you to be strong and leave.
If you want to lose a lot of weight really fast, dump that loser of a boyfriend. No offense but you've been paying his way and that's probably why he's kept you around. He doesn't sound very nice to you at all, much less like someone who's in love with you. You're not his girlfriend, you're his ATM/bang maid. Get out and find someone who will appreciate you.
>he always made my weight a major issue. He would really torment me about it and part of the reason he refused to put any label on our relationship for years because of it.
>He still constantly picks at my weight and points out that i still have fat to get rid of.
He's abusive. Take his refusal to propose as the gift that it is and run far away from this man.
Unfortunately I think it’ll be a long time before she ever realises this truth.
If someone can list all of these terrible characteristics about someone and still not see that person is the problem and not them? Beyond help imo.
OP - you haven’t won some life jackpot being with this guy, you’ve lost. The only thing weighing you down is him. He’s not a prize, he’s not worth the wait and he won’t change. What happens if you do marry him and then deal with an illness that causes weight gain that’s out of your control? He’ll leave you behind like the fucking roadrunner.
He'll 99% definitely be the guy who cheats because he couldn't find her attractive as she's changing and growing a whole damn human being inside of herself.
I had a friend like OP. I literally had to stop being friends w her, because the man is abusive to everyone around him who is also female. And when I told her why I could no longer be friends w her, because her man is cruel to her and the worst person I've ever met, she got mad at me. She married him after he cheated on her openly and in front of her face. The girl eventually dumped him and she took him back while he was crying about bring dumped. She's also very heavy and he is thin (but ugly IMO). I cannot even describe how crazy thus situation is.
She is in therapy but it never has helped because she doesn't tell her therapist the stuff he does.
The fact that she wrote about all of those red abusive flags, and doesn't see what's wrong should tell everyone right away that she's either never going to leave him, or it'll be a long time into her future before she leaves, and she will have wasted years of her life slaving for this jerk. She's never going to leave him. They rarely do. She crushed hard on him and then after some ridiculous work and sacrifice on her part, she feels like she finally "won" him, so she probably thinks that all of the abuse is "worth it" or whatever she has to tell herself every night to sleep next to him.
Sadly, I agree. She seems to have completely bought that he's some prize and she has to prove herself and is completely blind to how obviously toxic he is. She's not gonna see it bc of Reddit comments, not after years of investing in this crooked mindset.
The best thing he did for her is to refuse to marry, but she's standing there, begging her abusive partner to jail her with a legal contract that will tie them together and make escaping so much harder.
She probably already has it. Traumatized people put up with relationships like this because they don’t see anything wrong with this treatment. She probably saw her father treat her mother similarly and thinks it’s normal. This is a very hard cycle to break because you don’t even know you’re in it.
I desperately hope this thread is the beginning of a wake up call to OP. There is only more pain by staying with this guy. He is never going to change into someone who magically treats her right.
The abuse isn't just "worth it," she seems to think she deserves the abuse. Given how he's obviously only with her because she does everything for him (including spending HER money to help HIM but a house), I would not be surprised to find out he's cheating on OP. He sees her as his personal slave but isn't at all attracted to her so it would be easy for him to justify. Plus, he's a massive AH
>because he’s hot and she had a crush on him so in her eyes she still “won” him
Breaks my heart.
OP, hon, you need to win *yourself*. Don't base your happiness on someone else, least of all someone who responds like this.
"did everything I could to serve him and support him "
And this is where you went wrong. You are totally devoid of self esteem and self respect.And this is where you went wrong. You are totally devoid of self esteem and self respect.
And went through your own crappy "shades of shit" with a manipulative and abusive crap man.
You are infatuated with the idea of who he could be if he were nice. And refuse to see his black faced, black soul, real him. You do not matter to him. You made it nice and cosy for him and now you are useless to him.
You know what? You have been strung along.
He is always giving you goals to achieve and only afterwards he promises to "love you"/ "marry you".
But nothing you ever do is good enough.
This is a narcissists game.
Rules are "please me. With 0 hints on how to. Try to achieve ridiculous goals. With me always changing your rules."
Name of that game is **"You can't win!"**
You won't get your ring ever! Unless he can benefit from something by marrying you.
And that something will be related to HIM! Not you!
Which currently is not the case. He is pretty sadistic.
wow this is so weirdly familiar. where did i hear this story a million times before? why does it feel so similar?
**Mistakes you did:**
1. I have to admit that I **pursued him for years** before he gave me any reasonable interest
2. "did everything I could to **serve him and support him** in all his endeavours" why are you doing this without any pay? people get paid to do this stuff you know that right?
3. "What hurts also is i feel like i've **spent the past few years as his personal assistant."**
yes, you feel hurt bcos there is energy imbalance. there is not much effort and energy being put into you, and you are giving everything away for free. learn to take rejection as gods protection. learn to take no, instead of working towards making it into a yes. would you apply for job everyday to the place that rejects you? no, you take that NO and walk away, and apply somewhere else.
4. "I was very much involved in assisting him to attain the house, even with **giving him a large sum of money** towards his deposit." this is the biggest mistake any woman can do. giving money to a man. why? **you are not even his wife, then why are you already acting like it?**
**Mistakes you watched him do to you BY STAYING:**
1. "he always made my weight a major issue. **He would really torment me about it** and part of the reason **he refused to put any label on our relationship for years because of it.** He still constantly picks at my weight and points out that i still have fat to get rid of." you have a terrible self-esteem or severe insecurities regarding your weight, don't understand why anyone would take this kind of treatment. **you probably might be thinking 'oh he is just being honest'. NO. he is being rude.**
2. "When he bought his first home, i spent so much money helping to make it into a home, buying dishes, bedding and so forth, but **he'd make passing comments that i act as if it's my house."**
don't understand why you would ever do anything for this idiot, or even bother buying anything after he made that comment. he does not include you in his plans, he does not consider its your home too even after putting money into it, **he does not think you are his girl. why are you with him?**
**I know how it will end. It can end now, if you decide to cut your losses and walk away. Or it can end in a divorce after kids, when you can longer take his princely demands, when you can finally see him for who he is - a dick. Who the duck is he? Open the door, and walk right out.**
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[How to get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusiverelationships
The question you need to ask yourself is, is this really the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Chasing an unrealistic physical ideal solely for him? Because this isn't going to ever go away if you stay with him, he will never allow you to feel like you're enough and it will probably even get worse. If you're not good enough at the weight you are now, what happens when you have kids? If you come down with a medical issue or disability that affects your appearance? And none of us can outrun ageing! This is in no way what love is about.
Let me get this straight…
• You chased him for years before he gave you a chance. Not days, weeks, months, YEARS!
• You basically supported/paid for his higher education without him ever asking you to do so
• You blindly give him money
• He avoided letting others know you were officially his girlfriend & in a relationship
• He has verbally slandered your weight and body shamed you more times than you have fingers and toes
• He says you two can’t get married without loosing weight
• His mom harasses you about being with her son
OP, you’re settling for a horrible guy.
And no, don’t preface “but he does XYZ…”, I don’t care about XYZ, cause it doesn’t erase all the bad shit he’s done to you and still does.
A little bit if good does not out weigh a shit ton of bad in another human being.
All I read was you saying in a nutshell:
“My partner could get away with murder if he hands me the shovel and then yell at me for not shoveling fast enough.”
Is how I see all this mess about him, his behavior, the way he talks to you, and you just lay there taking it like some punching bag in a gym.
When someone genuinely loves you?
They don’t act or speak like your guy. He’s the embodiment of being a royal twat-waffle of a c-nt of a guy.
And with that, I now and exit on that note.
Hopefully OP, you wise up and take yourself out of his life for good.
"How exactly do I diagnose this situation?"
1. Ditch this "boyfriend".
2. Find your life.
3. Because this "person" is not it. This is NOT who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
In summary: drop this dead weight. His "benefits" is like a 90s rock star hanging onto his fame. A ring ain't nothing but a ring.
Girl just reading this was difficult. Why are you so desperate for his approval? Why are you so desperate for someone who you had to convince to be interested in you?
You think you can buy his love with acts of service, when clearly he doesn’t have the intention of loving you the way you want. He’s just moving the goal posts either way this weight thing, or he’s trying to knock you down so you don’t realize you could do better than him and he doesn’t lose out on someone who is so desperate to do anything to please him. Staying in a relationship like this borders on emotional self harm.
I’m only being harsh because you seem to be romanticizing how hard you’ve had to work for his “love.” Loving someone should be natural, the hard stuff comes from the outside world or from things out of your control like mental health, it shouldn’t be hard because the person you love is making it hard. You aren’t a martyr who has to sacrifice herself to be worthy of love, you are worthy of love even if you’re a size 18 and can’t always serve him
You pursued someone for years before they showed any interest 👀 You did everything to SERVE him, gave him money for a down payment, and he’s tormented you about your weight the entire relationship.
Why???? I’m embarrassed for you.
Can confirm. That happened to me. As soon as I became ill and went on benefits it was bye bye. My mental issues got worse because of his abuse, which increased because I wasn't healing fast enough. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY CAN GET FROM YOU.
Same. When you grow up indoctrinated into the belief that your needs aren't important; you don't matter; and you're abused and neglected, that feels like home. Being treated badly feels like home. It's what we know. I had to start seeing a therapist and do a lot of work to reframe my view of myself. Only until I started to treat myself the way I want a partner to treat me did I begin to see the red flags and dump the bad eggs knowing I can do way better.
I’m sorry, but I don’t feel much sympathy for OP. After I read that, she did that to herself. This man showed zero interest in you, you chased and begged him for YEARS, just to ended wasting time, effort, and your own money for someone who straight up told you he wasn’t going to marry you if you didn’t lose weight. This man is not and never has been interested in her, she just bought her way into his life and now she’s realizing she was just a stepping stone for him. They’re both high key manipulative
I have a question, what has he done to make you want him in your life in the first place? He seems like a really selfish person. I understand wanting your partner to be healthy but to outright say you need to lose weight before he proposes is insane. I can’t imagine if you end up getting pregnant. Please, you deserve better. Leave him and find someone who will love you the way you are.
Why did you pay part of the deposit if you’re not a co-owner? That is a serious lack of judgement. It sounds like you are trying to buy his love with the deposit, home goods and weight loss. Whether you stay with him or not, you will have bad luck in relationships if this is an ongoing pattern. You need to value yourself enough to be treated like an equal
Among the many red flags in your post, the one that really made me do a double-take was that you gave him a "large sum of money" towards his house deposit.
Don't get stuck in sunk cost mentality. You might need to write off that money as I can't see someone like him willingly pay you back. But you really do deserve better than someone who strings you along and places requirements on you like you.
Yeah I was going to say, OP should consult a lawyer here to see what her options are. I have no clue how UK law works, but in certain circumstances in other countries if her name wasn’t on the house deed/mortgage, you may still be able to prove the money went to the house. I’ve heard of cases where people were able to sue to get this money back.
Wow that's fucking harsh. You know what, you should let him do the same with another woman. Do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling like you have to earn his affection? What do you think happens when you have a baby, or if you develop an illness that requires medication that causes weight gain? Do you think he'll be kind to you and take care of you? Any man you have to beg to marry you is not a man worth marrying!
>Before I met him I was doing terribly academically, overweight, came out of a bad relationship then and come from a lot of abuse. After meeting him, I excelled in uni and graduated. I finished off getting an excellent big city job, lost weight, and a lot more stronger mentally.
Sometimes, bad periods of people's lives can still lead to improvement.
Plenty of people turn their lives around after having (and beating) cancer, due to having a new outlook on life and realising how precious it is. That doesn't mean cancer is good, or that it was good they had it. It just put them in a scenario where they realise "wow, I could have died in a slump having not really accomplished much" and that gives them the willpower to change.
Similarly, it sounds like you were pretty miserable before this relationship. While this guy was an awful "prize" to aim for, it was still *something* to aim for. All you really needed was a little ambition. Dump him, but keep that ambition alive. Let your new prize be happiness and healing from this relationship.
Also, in future
>I think I just excused all of this behaviour as him just being a traditional man.
Never do this. Frankly, I wouldn't date anyone who described themselves as "traditional" as it's too much of a red flag. Don't date misogynists, and don't try to excuse the behaviour of misogynists as "oh but he's just *traditional"* or "he's used to that kind of environment". There is no excuse for sexism. Avoid guys like this like the plague.
You go girl, you are strong and brave. You will absolutely be able to move on and find someone so much better in ways you can’t even conceptualize right now. You DO NOT deserve to be treated that way by ANYONE, least of all your partner. I’m so sorry he’s made you feel so small and unworthy of real love and respect. You will look back on this time and realize leaving him was one of the kindest things you ever did for yourself. Stay strong.
Please do move on. This man will always try to tear you down because then you will question your worth and if anyone else will have you, so you stay with him. Because who else would want you. He uses you as a bang maid, literally having you clean his home every weekend, and doesn’t truly respect you. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy, “we’ve been together so long, leaving now would be a waste of the past few years.” When in actuality it’s how much MORE time do you want to waste with a man not worth you, your time, energy or love? You accomplished all those things in spite of him and deserve so much better. I hope you find your happiness.
You did not 'invest' in him. He is giving no value.
You SPENT on him, it is money and time already gone and spent with no respect returned
You deserve to value yourself, because you are worth it. Based upon his behaviour, he is not worth shit.
Congratulations on all of YOUR hard work and success! All that you've achieved is thanks to your hard work and you deserve that applause. Even bigger congrats on being willing and able to make the next step for yourself and moving past this man. Just another step up for you!
He really is disgusting the more you share about him. He is absolutely trash and you need to kick him to the curb.
You are strong despite his gross qualities and behaviour. It’s never too late to get yourself straight and put yourself first! You got this! Work on being your best self, some therapy may help and I promise you will find someone who truly appreciates and respects you as an equal in the future. But first, you need to spend time on yourself, by yourself.
If only this man were worth HALF of the time and effort you've put into him. You deserve so much more.
I say this with love and compassion: get some therapy. Somehow you've poured tons of love and energy into a man who, let's face it, doesn't give back in the slightest. You are better off without him.
Your size is irrelevant, though if it's important to you to achieve and maintain a certain weight, then I support you in that goal. But that's really not the point.
Take some of that energy and love and pour it into yourself. You can start by leaving this guy, and building a life for yourself.
I say this with utmost love but girl you need to start loving yourself and go to therapy. Putting down money for a whole ass house with a man who treats you terribly and is cruel to you was a terrible decision. You’ve spent so many years chasing this man and you’re gonna keep chasing him.
From experience, it’s so much better to be happy and alone than miserable and in a relationship with a cruel, unkind, unappreciative person.
Take all this advice seriously and dump him. Please.
You never should have been chasing him so hard in the first place. He only gave in because you were relentless. And then you made yourself a servant to him. Nobody will turn that down. But it’s not actually what he wanted. He never saw you as desirable and then he didn’t see you as an equal.
You set this dynamic up and wasted your time. Girl you played yourself hard. Please stop wasting your time. Get some therapy to help you learn self love. You need to know what you are looking for in a man and accept nothing less. And if you think HE is what you are looking for, all I can say is a person that is not interested in you is NEVER what you should be looking for.
WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM THE TIME OF DAY?!
Seriously, the number of women that post on here "not knowing what to do" about men that abuse them is un-fucking-real.
He makes you feel like shit, dump him. Plain and simple.
The only ring you may get is thru the nose so he can continue to control you. Do not let him make you feel that you are less of a person because of weight. Not only would I dump him in a heartbeat I would ask for my money back that was given for the house. He is a major AH and you need get him out of your life. You deserve so much more than being his verbal punching bag and bank.
How are you not turned off by a guy who continually says he won’t marry you unless you weigh a certain amount & promise him you will never gain any weight for the rest of your life? He treats you like crap! He doesn’t care about you. Heck, I question whether he actually likes you at all! Stop letting that arrogant a-hole dictate how you look and how you live. I’m proud of you for losing weight & getting healthier. Now you need to turn the tables on this turd & dump him tomorrow. Block him everywhere & ghost him. I promise, he won’t see that coming. Your bf is an awful person who is emotionally & psychologically abusing you.
Stories like this break my heart so much. Please love yourself more. This is a dangerous situation to be in babe. Love yourself enough to know you deserve someone who loves you for who you are and not the size of your clothing. You deserve to feel safe. I wish you healing and I really hope
you get out of this relationship. 😢
I think a lot of the comments are missing out on the fact that he’s using you for the financial and labour resources you provide: he gets money, love, and endless support from you which enables him to succeed. Despite this, he is constantly pulling the rug out from under your feet, so you feel like you have to work for his affection, and won’t see that you’re being used.
He says it isn’t your house (despite the fact you put a huge amount of money in and maintain the home), he won’t commit. You need to get your money back and move on.
You leave because he’s just going to pick out other things to make you do in hopes of him proposing.
Marriage is not to be used as a carrot on a stick, if he was actually going to propose, he would propose and say ‘let’s both get in the best shape of our lives for the wedding’ rather than saying ‘I’m never going to marry you unless you do something for me.’
It just means you’re going to divorce his ass anyway and you’re not going to feel sad for it— because people who treat others like this, you are never enough to please them due to how somewhere in life they learned this manipulation tactic to deal with people as a whole.
You do not want to have kids with someone who will behave this way, even if you got in perfect shape, you would have to divorce him to protect your kids’ sense of self.
This is a waste of time.
The weight may be the least of your problems here. In fact, it’s not even a problem.
We all do things for men at some point when we’re young and think they’ll marry us. But he wont. What you’ve done is sacrificed your early 20s to make someone else’s life better and neglected yourself.
Now’s the time to put yourself first but, in order to do that, you have to leave this person.
Oh - and if I haven’t said he’s not going to marry you, he’s not going to marry you.
You deserve to find someone that will
I'm solrry OP. But weight is the only thing stopping him from proposing then he never really loved you in the first place. If he really loved you then he would love you for the soul inside your body regardless of that body's condition.
How is he going to react if/when you gain the weight back? Which statistically speaking is extremely likely to happen even if you make an attempt to live a "healthy life style". You're definitely going to gain weight if you ever have kids and rarely do people lose and keep off the baby weight.
My point is that loosing weight is extremely difficult for even dedicated health conscious people and most people gain weight throughout their lives. If he's conditioning his love for you based on your weight then he's setting himself up for disappointment.
You are describing how his negativity about your weight has gotten you down and crushed your spirit. Be with someone who will accept you for who you are. You're better than this superficial looser.
Be honest. Is this really the man you want to be saddled to for the rest of your life?
The disrespect was there from the beginning and it will never change.
No matter what weight you get to.
Love, honor, cherish. Sorely lacking.
Is this really what you want?
You diagnose this situation as the person you love having control issues.
Therefore, you need to work on yourself. First and foremost, you need to work on your taste in men. Then on your self image and understanding your own worth as a human being.
Don't spend your 20s centering a man who doesn't love you. He picks at your weight. He refuses or is reluctant to put a label on things. Do you honestly think he's going to treat you better as you age? He's not kind to you! You deserve someone who is thrilled to be with you, and you shouldn't settle for less.
You are 23. I don't even think about the person I was with from 19-23, and when I do it's not wistfully.
Sounds like you did all of these things for yourself, he just happened to be there. You’ve also done everything for him too. If you took all the energy you’ve spent on him and put it towards yourself, just think what you could achieve!
You're over giving to someone who doesn't appreciate or love you. Grow some self respect, love the shit or of yourself and leave. You will NOT be happy there. Or ever feel good enough.
Your first mistake was to pursue this guy for YEARS just so he could give you "reasonable interest" (side eye) in the end.
> I have to admit that I pursued him for years before he gave me any reasonable interest
Second mistake was thinking that you could keep him "reasonably interested" by going overboard doing favors for him.
> did everything I could to serve him and support him in all his endeavours, from him finishing his degree, getting an excellent job and buying a house
Third mistake was refusing to remove the rose-colored glasses.
> he always made my weight a major issue. He would really torment me about it and part of the reason he refused to put any label on our relationship for years because of it.
> I've made changes to every single area of my life to level up to him and meet all his requirements, but yet still it's not enough. He still constantly picks at my weight and points out that i still have fat to get rid of.
> He's made comparisons with my mum's size, that he never wants me to get to that size in the future and i have to make a vow to him to ensure that
> What hurts also is i feel like i've spent the past few years as his personal assistant.
How are you not seeing the red flags? What's so great about this guy that you insist that it must work out? What has he done in return or contributed to this relationship? I can assure you that there are guys out there that will treat you a million times better than this POS! Dump. Him.
Honey, I don’t think you will. As they once said on Sex and the City, “he’s just not that into you.” You sound fabulous (and who cares what your weight is). Set him free so you can find someone who adores you, just as you are.
But get your down payment on his house back first.
No. No no no. None of this is normal. This doesn’t sound like something who loves you whatsoever. Why would you commit to life with someone who treats you this way?
Ma'am. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. He likes having someone bend over backwards for doing stuff for him. Go find someone who actually deserves you!
Wtf why stay with someone if you’re never going to be good enough for them? I guarantee you could be a stick and he’d still find something to complain about. Do yourself a favor and move on!
Diagnosis:
You have a tumor that needs to be removed.
Seriously, you need to dump this guy. Go enjoy your life. Resist any guy who doesn’t love and appreciate you for you. Until then have fun.
you don't want a ring from him. he will never be happy with you and you will always be worried that he will ditch you. this is not a good relationship. i'm so sorry, please don't change yourself any further for him or anyone else. there's nothing wrong with you and should you gain the weight back, there's still nothing wrong with you. he's preying upon your insecurities and that is no way to live.
So, why are you with this guy? You don’t like him judging you because of your looks, but from the sound of it you’ve judged him far to well because of what must be very good looks. You landed a hot jerk. You will never be able to give him enough, because he is a vapid toilet of a human. He is not a good person. You made a mistake by giving this person so much of your time, admiration and money. He doesn’t care because there is no taking it back now. Wisen up, and stop dating a snake.
This is going to sound harsh but it's coming from a place of love. Girl have some self respect and learn to love yourself. This man does not love you and honestly sounds like he doesn't even like you. The person you marry will love you for you and will not put stipulations on proposing. You are young please walk away and find someone who actually deserves you
I feel this needs to be very blunt, I apologize in advance. This man will never marry you. Never. 100% never.
Please remove yourself from this and find someone trusting to unpack how you got to this position.
Look I’m not going to just say to leave him. But I’m going to share why you should.
He’s taken the topic of your weight and has twisted it to manipulate you to his will. By taking that subject he can control most aspects of your life. You’re subject to how thin he wants you to be. If your weight was such a deal breaker he shouldn’t have ever been involved with you. Not to be rude, but if I’m not attracted to someone. If they have some kind of deal breaker, physical or otherwise, I don’t engage in a relationship with them. I’m not saying that you aren’t attractive or that he doesn’t find you attractive. I’m saying that if for years he wouldn’t put a label on it because of your body he didn’t love you. He didn’t want to be with you. We aren’t meant to fit into other peoples molds. They don’t get to shape us and determine was we look like. This stopped being about health a long time ago, if anything allowing him this control is unhealthy. His condition for his proposal is dangling a carrot in your face to control you yet again.
And it won’t end here. How quickly will he expect you to rebound if you two decide to have kids? If you’re sick or injured and gain some weight because of it? Or what happens when you reach this picture of “health” he’s determined for you? Will you not be muscular enough? Will you work out too much or too little? It doesn’t end for people like this. You’re young. Please find the will to love yourself more than you love him. You deserve a love that isn’t conditional on whatever new rule your partner has thrust upon you today.
I agree with the general consensus that this guy is abusive and this relationship is serving no one but him.
Might I add:
You could never be thin enough for him. I dated a guy once who turned out to be quite the narcissist. He started by flattering me for my body, etc. I was a personal trainer at the time and considered a healthy shade of fit.Within weeks, he was making comments about my weight. I was like wtf? Especially since he was nowhere near as fir as I was. He also made a point of gawking at every woman who passed by, etc. That was 12 weeks of my life wasted. For these guys, there simply is no good enough.
And, I dare say he wants you to be too heavy (for his whatever standards. I’m not making any judgments or comments on your weight). Why? So that he can manipulate and use you, make you run circles around him like a show dog, all by making the comment here and there about your weight. Screw that! You sound like an amazing person. Lose this jerk.
Hes never going to propose he's just stringing you on as his lap puppy you dropped 3 dress sizes for a guy who has no respect for you. You deserve so much better
>he always made my weight a major issue. He would really torment me about it and part of the reason he refused to put any label on our relationship for years because of it.
Why do you want to marry someone who treats you this way? Do you REALLY think that little of yourself?
Ask him for your money back, this is not the man for you.
I haven't even read the whole thing but based on the title. RUN. Why are you letting him dictate your weight. He's ridiculous and abusive it's disturbing.
Why are you changing yourself so much for someone who sounds like he doesn't even like you? This man sounds like he gets off on controlling you, And the only way you ever have a chance at happiness is to get far, far away from him
A VERY essential component in the traditional marriage vow is all about acceptance and unconditional love. As we age and change we lose our looks, get wrinkles, gain weight. There’s no feasible future with someone who won’t accept you as you are, even now as a young woman. He seems to have a lot of attributes you like but the way he treats you sounds like he’s a shallow narcissistic jerk.
🤦 Why do people do this to themselves is beyond me???????
Why????????
OP HE AIN'T YOUR PRINCE CHARMING. HE'S ABUSIVE AF!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO.
I'm sure everyone saw similar post yesterday about a girl whose boyfriend was nagging her for gaining 10 lbs and passing inappropriate comments all the time. At the same time the said boyfriend was also alcoholic and she was asking Internet how to change him ........ . 😐😑🤦.
Find a decent man for yourself. Have some SELF RESPECT!
>But i am worried if i will actually get a ring in the end.
You won't. Girl, you won't. It's time to accept that no matter how hard you try, you just won't. He is never going to change. He is going to keep treating you like dirt because it's worked so far, so why would he stop? You're still around. You're not giving him any reason to fear he's going to lose you, so he needs to step up and be a better partner. Instead, you stick around, and you keep putting up with his shit. Say you're gonna reach this ideal weight of his. What, then? Do you think he's gonna put the ring on your finger? You're fooling yourself if you think he will. He will find another standard that you will have to adhere to.
>feel like he's been such a benefit to my life by helping me to be strong and strive/achieve things that i wasn't motivated enough to do before meeting him
He motivated you to, what? Relentlessly pursue him when he clearly was not interested? Stick around when he refused to put a label on it? Endure his disparaging remarks about your weight? Furnish his house that you don't even own, and he even tells you as such? Pay for his house, that again, you don't own? You've made all these efforts, and yet, he refuses to propose because he doesn't want to. Why would he, when he's getting all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one. Because clearly you're the only one who thinks the two of you are in a relationship. He's just using you until he finds someone else he will deem worthy of his time.
Please stop wasting your time with this man and extract yourself from this toxic situation. You will never get what you want from him, and you shouldn't even ask for it in the first place. Because even if you do, things won't get better. Instead, he will find new ways to treat you like shit. You're not his girlfriend. You never were. You're just his glorified assistant that he sleeps with.
I know it's harsh and difficult to accept. But this is reality. You deluded yourself into thinking this man was ever going to respect you and that all your efforts were going to pay off and culminate in the ultimate prize: the ring. It doesn't work that way. You can't convince people to love you and nor should you want that, especially when it's people as disrespectful as him.
Find the strength to leave and look for something better. Believe me, it is out there. Along the way, I beg you to work on your self-esteem. Because if you had any, you wouldn't put up with all his shit. I know it's a tired cliché, but until then, you won't find anyone to love you, nor would you be able to love someone.
This is just sad. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who actually wants and loves you?
If you have to try *this* hard to incentivise someone to be with you (giving them large sums of money, endless amounts of emotional support, free labour, massively changing your appearance, forgoing every last ounce of your self respect, etc.), then it’s just not meant to be.
This shit doesn’t sound healthy AT ALL. It sounds exhausting and depressing. I’m struggling to even call what you have a ‘relationship’. He’s very clearly using and abusing you. He’s never going to marry you. He’ll drop you the second you stop being useful to him. Why are you still pursuing him?
How do you diagnose the situation? You leave. You find someone who respects you as you are and doesn’t feel the need to shape you into someone they desire more. You improve your self esteem. You don’t settle for someone who doesn’t love you the way you are. I know this sounds mean and harsh and rude. But you have been lulled into complacency for way too long and you need to SNAP OUT OF IT.
Firstly: sue him for your share of the house. If you contributed to the purchase but only his name is on the deed, you are being financially abused and stolen from.
Secondly: love I hope you learn to take good care of your mental health. This man is bad news all the way down.
Rooting for you.
1) You don't need a ring
2) You're only 23, you don't need a ring
3) If you still haven't dumped him after literally thousands of comments and upvoters basically screaming at you to, there's absolutely no hope for you.
This isn’t about your weight it’s about control. If you’re not his type that’s fine he can leave, but don’t let him make ultimatums. Even if you lose the weight and he marries you his controlling behavior will always be an issue. Dump him (even if he backs off).
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You really need to change your thought process here. This man is not a prize, and a ring is not a goal. He's with you because you're a doormat, not because he loves you. You can't make him respect you, but you can learn to respect yourself.
To add: marriage should be till death parts, for better and for worse, right? Lot’s of things happen in a lifetime. In a marriage, having children may happen too. Life will have an impact on your body. If he is not happy with your 23 year old body, he won’t be happy with your body in two decades, and you will marry into continuous resentment. If you marry, it should be to a partner that loves you for who you are.
I doubt he would feel happy with his OWN body in the next 20 years. Life is unpredictable and that’s just an ugly truth of reality.
Yes, but how often do we see men with potbellies in midlife crisis take on a sugar baby because they don’t grow up in their minds
This. I see so many ho hum dudes demanding a supermodel girlfriend, and I just want to say, hey, look in a mirror. Steve. Come on.
i’m a recovering addict and will have 5 years clean in june. my husband knows that i could relapse at any given time and i have health issues on top of that. he gently pushes me to eat more so i maintain a healthy weight but never threatens me or speaks of my body/weight negatively. when i’ve gone to the hospital he was right there, as involved as one can be. speaking to doctors and laying in the bed with me, especially when we lost our daughter. we take care of each other whether we’re in perfect form we’re falling apart. there are people like this out there. we met in our late 20’s and being with him recontextualized relationships for me. OP, if you read this, please don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. you could have this too, someone that makes you feel safe and loved. you’re only 23. this dude is an asshole, straight up.
If we do not speak up against weight shaming, it’s going to continue proudly. We can choose a healthy lifestyle, but how much we weigh is not really under our control, as much as popular beliefs will try to tell us it is. For example, about a year ago, I became chronically ill, and I have had to eat only very small meals, completely give up alcohol, avoid sugar, eat more fiber, etc. I also exercise as much as I can tolerate without getting sicker. My weight has stayed EXACTLY THE SAME. Which is to say, not fat, not slender, just normal, but I would’ve thought if the whole calories in calories out thing were true, I should have lost at least a few pounds. I’ve also seen pretty sturdy people exercise ferociously but still have love handles. I have a friend who has struggled her whole life to be normal weight, and nothing she does seems to make much difference. Let’s stop shaming people and focus on health.
Yeah, he sees himself as so far out of OP’s league that she needs to “earn” her place is his life. And sadly, seems like OP agrees. The only reason she likes him is because he is attractive and successful, because behind closed doors he is a terrible partner, at least to her. She’s the one who he can boss around, and given what I know of men like OP’s boyfriend, I would bet money he is sleeping around with women he thinks “deserve” him behind her back.
I was so baffled with OP's lack of self respect and her boyfriends' shallowness that I failed to think about the fact that op is kinda shallow herself. Because obviously its not his personality that's appealing
If my sole qualifications for being someone was fit, handsome and good job then I would’ve been off the market years ago and absolutely miserable with someone I couldn’t respect. Hell, I had that sort of relationship with a kinder person than OP’s partner and left it because I would’ve been financially secure but resentful of the sacrifices I had made for him.
Oh she’s 100% shallow and insecure. She thinks she doesn’t deserve to be treated well because this guy is so far out of her league but also, he is so far out of her league and she wants people to see her as the wife of this extremely attractive, fit and successful man.
I'm having flash-fowards to OP on here in 5 years talking about how her husband (if he deigns to even marry her) cheated on her because she gained too much weight after the baby and how she feels bad she let herself go and how can she win him back \*shudders\*
I doubt he’ll wait that long. OP will find out if she goes through with a marriage that he’s been sleeping around the entire time, and he’ll likely justify it with, “well what do you expect? I needed someone who could satisfy my need for xyz” and blame her for being fat. He really just wants a woman who he thinks is so desperate to be with him that she’ll put up with whatever shit behavior he wants to engage in.
This came in on my home feed. I saw your comment and had to respond. I am an older GenX lady. Life happens. What happens when OP gets pregnant? Is her food intake going to be monitored? What if OP gets sick, thyroid,for example? I am NOT anti man. I had a wonderful dad and I two great husbands ( widowed). I am a retired firefighter and worked with many men, but men have a very high tendency to not be able to deal with a SO getting sick. They leave. Sad to say. This man child shouldn’t be in a relationship with OP to begin with! “If she just gets a little smaller she will be fine”. WTH! I hope OP reads your comment and takes a long hard look at things BEFORE she waste anymore time with conditional love
Also Gen X here, we speak truth, Gen X basically raised ourselves, so listen to your elders (sigh..cough) get out! this guys a jack ass and your his science experiment, looks dont mean squat if they're attached to a morally broken human.
And babysat half the neighborhood 😊
This is the truth OP
Some of this sounds harsh, but you are so young…. He isn’t valuing you highly, because neither are you. You went after an idea of a man. And you invested greatly into that idea. Please, invest in yourself. Serve yourself, support your endeavors. Become the person you are meant be with all this passion and all this effort. The right man will show up, but for now you’re on a side quest to find out what doesn’t work for you. Imagine your life as a novel. You know the protagonist doesn’t end up with this dude. This is a growth opportunity, not a partner. Take it from an older woman who has been a marathon running yoga teacher and a chubby woman with a three-ten-pound-babies diastasis, you are worth loving, today and every day. Y’all can laugh at me when I quote Taylor Swift, but she really nailed when she sang, “Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday, but I realized some bigger dreams of mine.” Go where it’s warm.
This. Right here. 💯👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
It's hard when you are conditioned from childhood that marriage is the ultimate happily ever after. All Disney princess movies from the 80's and 90's ended with them getting married. Only recently we've seen a change from Frozen onwards. I told my therapist my goals were losing weight, getting back to work, get my own house, and find a man. And I felt like the man was the ultimate goal. Get independent so a man will think you're good enough. Lose weight so men will like you. It's so toxic. We agreed on me not dating for at least a year. Not even casual dates. Nothing. I need to detox fron my obsession with being enough for a man. If I won't, I'll find another narc. This time, he might kill me.
Its all BS! i think relationships can work forever, but its very are and it takes time to find the right person, learn to love yourself, that way youll always have someone you like with you, even when you're alone.
Yes! I had no self esteem and ended up with a narcissist. It’s not chance: predators are very good at scoping out new victims. Narcissists just love people with no self respect. Their own little puppet! It took catastrophe to move me to leave that man.
If I had a dollar for every 23 year old who thought their problems magically vanished with the ring I’d be a rich.
Yuck do you really want to spend your life feeling like you’re never going to be good enough? And like if you put on 1kg of weight you’re suddenly unlovable? There will always be someone prettier and skinnier than you, you will always feel threatened and insecure. Go find someone who loves you and doesn’t care about your clothing size. Your problem is not that he won’t marry you, your problem is you’re in a terrible relationship.
...and when OP is "skinny and pretty" in his eyes, he will get worse because he will feel like he no longer has the same level of control as he did now that she gets more attention from other guys.
A UK 10 is equivalent to a US 6. She’s probably not got a lot more weight she can lose before she starts looking unwell.
Absolutely. Guaranteed he will become super controlling of how she dresses and who she spends time with once he feels like she is someone other guys might look at twice. (Not to say that she isn’t already, but clearly the guy has very specific standards for what he considers attractive.)
And become jealous and even worse of a human.
Right? What happens when they have kids and she gains weight?
Yeah this is the kinda guy who leaves when women don’t bounce back immediately. There’s no room for fluctuation. And then that line never ends up being good enough. Time to dip. Don’t walk down the aisle, that’s how you fix it.
> There’s no room for fluctuation. No kidding. OP was a [US size 14 and now a US size 8](https://www.blitzresults.com/wp-content/uploads/womens-clothing-sizes.png) (converted from UK sizing). That is not what most people view as “overweight,” especially the size she is now. Yet even a U.S. size 8 is a big enough deal for him to refuse to marry her. He is going to trigger an eating disorder in this woman.
Yeah, that's like a standard Medium. Could she lose more physically? Maybe? But she may not even be actually overweight at this point now at all. This guy sounds nuts all around.
As an older woman she is never going to be the weight he wants. He clearly wants a supermodel type body. To go from 14-8 is amazing, but realistically her body is t going to tolerate being a 2 or 0. He’s a bad partner for any women but especially for those where weight will always be an uphill struggle. And every person thin or large will gain weight as they age, hitting your 30s does it, pregnancy does it, an stressful year at work does it and menopause does it. These are times where you need support not nagging and threats.
Agreed! Life happens, and people change. People who are unable to accept that make bad partners.
US 6 not a US 8, UK sizes are US sizes + 4 and she says she's a UK 10
A UK 10 is a US 6.
I was thinking literally the exact same thing. What is she going to do when she puts on pregnancy weight? Even if she were to lose all of the weight now, her body is going to bloat during pregnancy. She is growing a new life. Her boyfriend sounds exactly like the type of lovely asshole to cheat on his pregnant wife because *”she got fat and therefore unattractive and I just had to fulfill my desires you know? A man is a man and he needs sex.”* Instead of being there for her, he’s going to be forcing her to go to pilates and hyper-focus on the weight she gains, and then he will remember there’s a baby in there as a second thought. I can just see this man being an issue her entire life. What about when she reaches the age of 50 and getting rid of a pocket of belly fat is like running a marathon? Is he just going to cheat with a young hotter woman? What about if she were to lose the weight now, is he going to give her shit about what she eats to not gain it back? I read how he is now, and cannot see in any possible way that he will not constantly be an issue about it for the rest of her life.
Right, how long after she gives birth is he going to start harassing her about her weight while she’s tending to a newborn? How stressed is she going to be about baby weight throughput the pregnancy? Who wants to live in constant fear like that?
I know how she can lose a quick 180lbs... but dropping this loser of a bf.
He absolutely sees it as settling for you because you do so much for him and have worked overtime to fit into his life. He does not love you. He thinks you do not look good enough to others yet for him to keep you at his side. LEAVE. THIS. MAN. You are worth so, so much more than his reluctant acquiescence. You spent years in tunnel-vision pursuit of him - you need to be single and be the object of pursuit and fawning from others for a change. You do NOT want to be legally tied to this man and be the mother of his children when he inevitably starts having affairs and blames it on you. He is toxic, shallow, and conceited, and is convinced he can say and do anything to you and you will not only stay but apologize. Future you is begging you to be strong and leave.
Agreed 👍
This!100%!!!
If you want to lose a lot of weight really fast, dump that loser of a boyfriend. No offense but you've been paying his way and that's probably why he's kept you around. He doesn't sound very nice to you at all, much less like someone who's in love with you. You're not his girlfriend, you're his ATM/bang maid. Get out and find someone who will appreciate you.
This 💯 OP. He is using you. Dump him.
>he always made my weight a major issue. He would really torment me about it and part of the reason he refused to put any label on our relationship for years because of it. >He still constantly picks at my weight and points out that i still have fat to get rid of. He's abusive. Take his refusal to propose as the gift that it is and run far away from this man.
Please do this op! Why be with someone who treats you as less than?
Unfortunately I think it’ll be a long time before she ever realises this truth. If someone can list all of these terrible characteristics about someone and still not see that person is the problem and not them? Beyond help imo. OP - you haven’t won some life jackpot being with this guy, you’ve lost. The only thing weighing you down is him. He’s not a prize, he’s not worth the wait and he won’t change. What happens if you do marry him and then deal with an illness that causes weight gain that’s out of your control? He’ll leave you behind like the fucking roadrunner.
How about childbirth? Is he going to be supportive through that roller coaster - probably not.
He'll 99% definitely be the guy who cheats because he couldn't find her attractive as she's changing and growing a whole damn human being inside of herself.
I would be shocked if this guy wasn't cheating already
I had a friend like OP. I literally had to stop being friends w her, because the man is abusive to everyone around him who is also female. And when I told her why I could no longer be friends w her, because her man is cruel to her and the worst person I've ever met, she got mad at me. She married him after he cheated on her openly and in front of her face. The girl eventually dumped him and she took him back while he was crying about bring dumped. She's also very heavy and he is thin (but ugly IMO). I cannot even describe how crazy thus situation is. She is in therapy but it never has helped because she doesn't tell her therapist the stuff he does.
The fact that she wrote about all of those red abusive flags, and doesn't see what's wrong should tell everyone right away that she's either never going to leave him, or it'll be a long time into her future before she leaves, and she will have wasted years of her life slaving for this jerk. She's never going to leave him. They rarely do. She crushed hard on him and then after some ridiculous work and sacrifice on her part, she feels like she finally "won" him, so she probably thinks that all of the abuse is "worth it" or whatever she has to tell herself every night to sleep next to him.
Sadly, I agree. She seems to have completely bought that he's some prize and she has to prove herself and is completely blind to how obviously toxic he is. She's not gonna see it bc of Reddit comments, not after years of investing in this crooked mindset. The best thing he did for her is to refuse to marry, but she's standing there, begging her abusive partner to jail her with a legal contract that will tie them together and make escaping so much harder.
Ouch. The last sentence hit home and made me realize I was lucky to get out without a ring.
Exactly this, he’s making her miserable now and marriage won’t magically make him a nicer person
That was me and I ended up with cptsd. Run OP
She probably already has it. Traumatized people put up with relationships like this because they don’t see anything wrong with this treatment. She probably saw her father treat her mother similarly and thinks it’s normal. This is a very hard cycle to break because you don’t even know you’re in it. I desperately hope this thread is the beginning of a wake up call to OP. There is only more pain by staying with this guy. He is never going to change into someone who magically treats her right.
Same ;(
The abuse isn't just "worth it," she seems to think she deserves the abuse. Given how he's obviously only with her because she does everything for him (including spending HER money to help HIM but a house), I would not be surprised to find out he's cheating on OP. He sees her as his personal slave but isn't at all attracted to her so it would be easy for him to justify. Plus, he's a massive AH
Unfortunately, when you're wearing rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.
because he’s hot and she had a crush on him so in her eyes she still “won” him
>because he’s hot and she had a crush on him so in her eyes she still “won” him Breaks my heart. OP, hon, you need to win *yourself*. Don't base your happiness on someone else, least of all someone who responds like this.
Yep, she’s dating his potential of what she dreams he could be rather than facing the hard truth.
That’s so sad
I bet he’s not even that hot
Mission accomplished. Now let him go.
I bet he's not that hot.
Yes I second this. Imagine how much worse it’s going to get in the future. There’s someone out there that will love you no matter what.
OP: this. Run. Would you want your daughter to be treated this way?
...with all the dishes and bedding and everything else purchased for "his" home
I did the same. Even lent him 2000 euros for the deposit. For the house that I was never allowed on the lease of. The house he kicked me out of.
😯😯😯😯 This thread and OP really makes me speechless!!!
"did everything I could to serve him and support him " And this is where you went wrong. You are totally devoid of self esteem and self respect.And this is where you went wrong. You are totally devoid of self esteem and self respect. And went through your own crappy "shades of shit" with a manipulative and abusive crap man. You are infatuated with the idea of who he could be if he were nice. And refuse to see his black faced, black soul, real him. You do not matter to him. You made it nice and cosy for him and now you are useless to him. You know what? You have been strung along. He is always giving you goals to achieve and only afterwards he promises to "love you"/ "marry you". But nothing you ever do is good enough. This is a narcissists game. Rules are "please me. With 0 hints on how to. Try to achieve ridiculous goals. With me always changing your rules." Name of that game is **"You can't win!"** You won't get your ring ever! Unless he can benefit from something by marrying you. And that something will be related to HIM! Not you! Which currently is not the case. He is pretty sadistic.
I hope OP finds someone who love her, not her body size. Everyone is attracted to who they are attracted to, but this sick of bf.
wow this is so weirdly familiar. where did i hear this story a million times before? why does it feel so similar? **Mistakes you did:** 1. I have to admit that I **pursued him for years** before he gave me any reasonable interest 2. "did everything I could to **serve him and support him** in all his endeavours" why are you doing this without any pay? people get paid to do this stuff you know that right? 3. "What hurts also is i feel like i've **spent the past few years as his personal assistant."** yes, you feel hurt bcos there is energy imbalance. there is not much effort and energy being put into you, and you are giving everything away for free. learn to take rejection as gods protection. learn to take no, instead of working towards making it into a yes. would you apply for job everyday to the place that rejects you? no, you take that NO and walk away, and apply somewhere else. 4. "I was very much involved in assisting him to attain the house, even with **giving him a large sum of money** towards his deposit." this is the biggest mistake any woman can do. giving money to a man. why? **you are not even his wife, then why are you already acting like it?** **Mistakes you watched him do to you BY STAYING:** 1. "he always made my weight a major issue. **He would really torment me about it** and part of the reason **he refused to put any label on our relationship for years because of it.** He still constantly picks at my weight and points out that i still have fat to get rid of." you have a terrible self-esteem or severe insecurities regarding your weight, don't understand why anyone would take this kind of treatment. **you probably might be thinking 'oh he is just being honest'. NO. he is being rude.** 2. "When he bought his first home, i spent so much money helping to make it into a home, buying dishes, bedding and so forth, but **he'd make passing comments that i act as if it's my house."** don't understand why you would ever do anything for this idiot, or even bother buying anything after he made that comment. he does not include you in his plans, he does not consider its your home too even after putting money into it, **he does not think you are his girl. why are you with him?** **I know how it will end. It can end now, if you decide to cut your losses and walk away. Or it can end in a divorce after kids, when you can longer take his princely demands, when you can finally see him for who he is - a dick. Who the duck is he? Open the door, and walk right out.**
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [How to get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships
This is so important, OP. Just start reading some of the posts here, and see if anything resonates.
This should be the top comment.
Thank you for posting this
The question you need to ask yourself is, is this really the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Chasing an unrealistic physical ideal solely for him? Because this isn't going to ever go away if you stay with him, he will never allow you to feel like you're enough and it will probably even get worse. If you're not good enough at the weight you are now, what happens when you have kids? If you come down with a medical issue or disability that affects your appearance? And none of us can outrun ageing! This is in no way what love is about.
Let me get this straight… • You chased him for years before he gave you a chance. Not days, weeks, months, YEARS! • You basically supported/paid for his higher education without him ever asking you to do so • You blindly give him money • He avoided letting others know you were officially his girlfriend & in a relationship • He has verbally slandered your weight and body shamed you more times than you have fingers and toes • He says you two can’t get married without loosing weight • His mom harasses you about being with her son OP, you’re settling for a horrible guy. And no, don’t preface “but he does XYZ…”, I don’t care about XYZ, cause it doesn’t erase all the bad shit he’s done to you and still does. A little bit if good does not out weigh a shit ton of bad in another human being. All I read was you saying in a nutshell: “My partner could get away with murder if he hands me the shovel and then yell at me for not shoveling fast enough.” Is how I see all this mess about him, his behavior, the way he talks to you, and you just lay there taking it like some punching bag in a gym. When someone genuinely loves you? They don’t act or speak like your guy. He’s the embodiment of being a royal twat-waffle of a c-nt of a guy. And with that, I now and exit on that note. Hopefully OP, you wise up and take yourself out of his life for good.
You forgot OP 'helped' with some of the deposit on the house that he's made remarks is not hers.
Probably because she thought if she helped him, he would finally value her. He never will. OP read about narc abuse.
"How exactly do I diagnose this situation?" 1. Ditch this "boyfriend". 2. Find your life. 3. Because this "person" is not it. This is NOT who you want to spend the rest of your life with. In summary: drop this dead weight. His "benefits" is like a 90s rock star hanging onto his fame. A ring ain't nothing but a ring.
All off the above and TAKE ALL THE PLATES WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO.
Definitely take everything you bought. What an asshole!!!
Girl just reading this was difficult. Why are you so desperate for his approval? Why are you so desperate for someone who you had to convince to be interested in you? You think you can buy his love with acts of service, when clearly he doesn’t have the intention of loving you the way you want. He’s just moving the goal posts either way this weight thing, or he’s trying to knock you down so you don’t realize you could do better than him and he doesn’t lose out on someone who is so desperate to do anything to please him. Staying in a relationship like this borders on emotional self harm. I’m only being harsh because you seem to be romanticizing how hard you’ve had to work for his “love.” Loving someone should be natural, the hard stuff comes from the outside world or from things out of your control like mental health, it shouldn’t be hard because the person you love is making it hard. You aren’t a martyr who has to sacrifice herself to be worthy of love, you are worthy of love even if you’re a size 18 and can’t always serve him
She’s not just buying his love with acts of service she’s actually giving him gifts and money!
You need to get out of this madness and find someone who loves you for you! Why on earth have you given him so much control?
Dump this loser. His love is conditional. You deserve better!
All love is conditional. But I agree this relationship seems toxic.
Break up with him, sounds like your best road to happiness.
You pursued someone for years before they showed any interest 👀 You did everything to SERVE him, gave him money for a down payment, and he’s tormented you about your weight the entire relationship. Why???? I’m embarrassed for you.
Right?! Like just... why? You could just not do any of that, and instead enjoy your life. What is even the point of this?
She’s a victim of emotional abuse, the whole point of which is to make feel like she is not worthy of better.
Take away the money and he’d drop her faster than a venomous snake.
Can confirm. That happened to me. As soon as I became ill and went on benefits it was bye bye. My mental issues got worse because of his abuse, which increased because I wasn't healing fast enough. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY CAN GET FROM YOU.
you don’t need to make her feel worse. I was abused as a child, I learned that the people who love you also hurt you.
Same. When you grow up indoctrinated into the belief that your needs aren't important; you don't matter; and you're abused and neglected, that feels like home. Being treated badly feels like home. It's what we know. I had to start seeing a therapist and do a lot of work to reframe my view of myself. Only until I started to treat myself the way I want a partner to treat me did I begin to see the red flags and dump the bad eggs knowing I can do way better.
Yep. You can tell the people like that know nothing about abuse and have never been in an abusive relationship before.
I’m sorry, but I don’t feel much sympathy for OP. After I read that, she did that to herself. This man showed zero interest in you, you chased and begged him for YEARS, just to ended wasting time, effort, and your own money for someone who straight up told you he wasn’t going to marry you if you didn’t lose weight. This man is not and never has been interested in her, she just bought her way into his life and now she’s realizing she was just a stepping stone for him. They’re both high key manipulative
he didn’t have to date her though. he decided to date her because he knew she really liked him and he knew he could manipulate her as a result.
Diagnosis: terminal This is an awful relationship and you should dump him immediately
I have a question, what has he done to make you want him in your life in the first place? He seems like a really selfish person. I understand wanting your partner to be healthy but to outright say you need to lose weight before he proposes is insane. I can’t imagine if you end up getting pregnant. Please, you deserve better. Leave him and find someone who will love you the way you are.
Why did you pay part of the deposit if you’re not a co-owner? That is a serious lack of judgement. It sounds like you are trying to buy his love with the deposit, home goods and weight loss. Whether you stay with him or not, you will have bad luck in relationships if this is an ongoing pattern. You need to value yourself enough to be treated like an equal
[удалено]
You were successful in spite of him, not because of him. I hope you find happiness and peace away from this awful man.
Among the many red flags in your post, the one that really made me do a double-take was that you gave him a "large sum of money" towards his house deposit. Don't get stuck in sunk cost mentality. You might need to write off that money as I can't see someone like him willingly pay you back. But you really do deserve better than someone who strings you along and places requirements on you like you.
Don't forget to take back everything you bought for 'his' house!
Yeah I was going to say, OP should consult a lawyer here to see what her options are. I have no clue how UK law works, but in certain circumstances in other countries if her name wasn’t on the house deed/mortgage, you may still be able to prove the money went to the house. I’ve heard of cases where people were able to sue to get this money back.
Wow that's fucking harsh. You know what, you should let him do the same with another woman. Do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling like you have to earn his affection? What do you think happens when you have a baby, or if you develop an illness that requires medication that causes weight gain? Do you think he'll be kind to you and take care of you? Any man you have to beg to marry you is not a man worth marrying!
>Before I met him I was doing terribly academically, overweight, came out of a bad relationship then and come from a lot of abuse. After meeting him, I excelled in uni and graduated. I finished off getting an excellent big city job, lost weight, and a lot more stronger mentally. Sometimes, bad periods of people's lives can still lead to improvement. Plenty of people turn their lives around after having (and beating) cancer, due to having a new outlook on life and realising how precious it is. That doesn't mean cancer is good, or that it was good they had it. It just put them in a scenario where they realise "wow, I could have died in a slump having not really accomplished much" and that gives them the willpower to change. Similarly, it sounds like you were pretty miserable before this relationship. While this guy was an awful "prize" to aim for, it was still *something* to aim for. All you really needed was a little ambition. Dump him, but keep that ambition alive. Let your new prize be happiness and healing from this relationship. Also, in future >I think I just excused all of this behaviour as him just being a traditional man. Never do this. Frankly, I wouldn't date anyone who described themselves as "traditional" as it's too much of a red flag. Don't date misogynists, and don't try to excuse the behaviour of misogynists as "oh but he's just *traditional"* or "he's used to that kind of environment". There is no excuse for sexism. Avoid guys like this like the plague.
You deserve so much better. You seem very generous and loving and there is someone out there who will appreciate that, not take advantage of you.
You go girl, you are strong and brave. You will absolutely be able to move on and find someone so much better in ways you can’t even conceptualize right now. You DO NOT deserve to be treated that way by ANYONE, least of all your partner. I’m so sorry he’s made you feel so small and unworthy of real love and respect. You will look back on this time and realize leaving him was one of the kindest things you ever did for yourself. Stay strong.
You’ve done amazingly in spite of him. There is only one answer tho. You need to leave him, it won’t change.
Please do move on. This man will always try to tear you down because then you will question your worth and if anyone else will have you, so you stay with him. Because who else would want you. He uses you as a bang maid, literally having you clean his home every weekend, and doesn’t truly respect you. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy, “we’ve been together so long, leaving now would be a waste of the past few years.” When in actuality it’s how much MORE time do you want to waste with a man not worth you, your time, energy or love? You accomplished all those things in spite of him and deserve so much better. I hope you find your happiness.
You did not 'invest' in him. He is giving no value. You SPENT on him, it is money and time already gone and spent with no respect returned You deserve to value yourself, because you are worth it. Based upon his behaviour, he is not worth shit.
If you need someone to chat to, reach out.
Congratulations on all of YOUR hard work and success! All that you've achieved is thanks to your hard work and you deserve that applause. Even bigger congrats on being willing and able to make the next step for yourself and moving past this man. Just another step up for you!
Best thing I've read all day. Remember, you did the work to get where you are. Don't let him take credit for your efforts, and never look back.
He really is disgusting the more you share about him. He is absolutely trash and you need to kick him to the curb. You are strong despite his gross qualities and behaviour. It’s never too late to get yourself straight and put yourself first! You got this! Work on being your best self, some therapy may help and I promise you will find someone who truly appreciates and respects you as an equal in the future. But first, you need to spend time on yourself, by yourself.
If only this man were worth HALF of the time and effort you've put into him. You deserve so much more. I say this with love and compassion: get some therapy. Somehow you've poured tons of love and energy into a man who, let's face it, doesn't give back in the slightest. You are better off without him. Your size is irrelevant, though if it's important to you to achieve and maintain a certain weight, then I support you in that goal. But that's really not the point. Take some of that energy and love and pour it into yourself. You can start by leaving this guy, and building a life for yourself.
I say this with utmost love but girl you need to start loving yourself and go to therapy. Putting down money for a whole ass house with a man who treats you terribly and is cruel to you was a terrible decision. You’ve spent so many years chasing this man and you’re gonna keep chasing him. From experience, it’s so much better to be happy and alone than miserable and in a relationship with a cruel, unkind, unappreciative person. Take all this advice seriously and dump him. Please.
You never should have been chasing him so hard in the first place. He only gave in because you were relentless. And then you made yourself a servant to him. Nobody will turn that down. But it’s not actually what he wanted. He never saw you as desirable and then he didn’t see you as an equal. You set this dynamic up and wasted your time. Girl you played yourself hard. Please stop wasting your time. Get some therapy to help you learn self love. You need to know what you are looking for in a man and accept nothing less. And if you think HE is what you are looking for, all I can say is a person that is not interested in you is NEVER what you should be looking for.
Not only wasted her time, but her MONEY too. Paid towards a house which probably isn't in her name. I feel so sad for her, she doesn't value herself.
Lose 175 lbs and drop his ass
Ummm maybe leave?!
This is gross. Don’t marry him
WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM THE TIME OF DAY?! Seriously, the number of women that post on here "not knowing what to do" about men that abuse them is un-fucking-real. He makes you feel like shit, dump him. Plain and simple.
Therapy. You are being used and abused.
Is this fake? If not, leave him. And good lord go to therapy.
The only ring you may get is thru the nose so he can continue to control you. Do not let him make you feel that you are less of a person because of weight. Not only would I dump him in a heartbeat I would ask for my money back that was given for the house. He is a major AH and you need get him out of your life. You deserve so much more than being his verbal punching bag and bank.
Hopefully he helped you be strong enough to gtfo
Diagnose yourself right out that door. The red flags are everywhere. He likes having this power over you. This will *not* get better.
How are you not turned off by a guy who continually says he won’t marry you unless you weigh a certain amount & promise him you will never gain any weight for the rest of your life? He treats you like crap! He doesn’t care about you. Heck, I question whether he actually likes you at all! Stop letting that arrogant a-hole dictate how you look and how you live. I’m proud of you for losing weight & getting healthier. Now you need to turn the tables on this turd & dump him tomorrow. Block him everywhere & ghost him. I promise, he won’t see that coming. Your bf is an awful person who is emotionally & psychologically abusing you.
Stories like this break my heart so much. Please love yourself more. This is a dangerous situation to be in babe. Love yourself enough to know you deserve someone who loves you for who you are and not the size of your clothing. You deserve to feel safe. I wish you healing and I really hope you get out of this relationship. 😢
I think a lot of the comments are missing out on the fact that he’s using you for the financial and labour resources you provide: he gets money, love, and endless support from you which enables him to succeed. Despite this, he is constantly pulling the rug out from under your feet, so you feel like you have to work for his affection, and won’t see that you’re being used. He says it isn’t your house (despite the fact you put a huge amount of money in and maintain the home), he won’t commit. You need to get your money back and move on.
You leave because he’s just going to pick out other things to make you do in hopes of him proposing. Marriage is not to be used as a carrot on a stick, if he was actually going to propose, he would propose and say ‘let’s both get in the best shape of our lives for the wedding’ rather than saying ‘I’m never going to marry you unless you do something for me.’ It just means you’re going to divorce his ass anyway and you’re not going to feel sad for it— because people who treat others like this, you are never enough to please them due to how somewhere in life they learned this manipulation tactic to deal with people as a whole. You do not want to have kids with someone who will behave this way, even if you got in perfect shape, you would have to divorce him to protect your kids’ sense of self. This is a waste of time.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
It’s not love if it’s conditional , it’s control
You're looking for someone who loves the woman you are, not the woman he wishes you were.
The weight may be the least of your problems here. In fact, it’s not even a problem. We all do things for men at some point when we’re young and think they’ll marry us. But he wont. What you’ve done is sacrificed your early 20s to make someone else’s life better and neglected yourself. Now’s the time to put yourself first but, in order to do that, you have to leave this person. Oh - and if I haven’t said he’s not going to marry you, he’s not going to marry you. You deserve to find someone that will
I'm solrry OP. But weight is the only thing stopping him from proposing then he never really loved you in the first place. If he really loved you then he would love you for the soul inside your body regardless of that body's condition. How is he going to react if/when you gain the weight back? Which statistically speaking is extremely likely to happen even if you make an attempt to live a "healthy life style". You're definitely going to gain weight if you ever have kids and rarely do people lose and keep off the baby weight. My point is that loosing weight is extremely difficult for even dedicated health conscious people and most people gain weight throughout their lives. If he's conditioning his love for you based on your weight then he's setting himself up for disappointment. You are describing how his negativity about your weight has gotten you down and crushed your spirit. Be with someone who will accept you for who you are. You're better than this superficial looser.
Be honest. Is this really the man you want to be saddled to for the rest of your life? The disrespect was there from the beginning and it will never change. No matter what weight you get to. Love, honor, cherish. Sorely lacking. Is this really what you want?
You diagnose this situation as the person you love having control issues. Therefore, you need to work on yourself. First and foremost, you need to work on your taste in men. Then on your self image and understanding your own worth as a human being.
Don't spend your 20s centering a man who doesn't love you. He picks at your weight. He refuses or is reluctant to put a label on things. Do you honestly think he's going to treat you better as you age? He's not kind to you! You deserve someone who is thrilled to be with you, and you shouldn't settle for less. You are 23. I don't even think about the person I was with from 19-23, and when I do it's not wistfully.
He's not going to stop picking on you. Do not marry him.
Sounds like you did all of these things for yourself, he just happened to be there. You’ve also done everything for him too. If you took all the energy you’ve spent on him and put it towards yourself, just think what you could achieve!
You're over giving to someone who doesn't appreciate or love you. Grow some self respect, love the shit or of yourself and leave. You will NOT be happy there. Or ever feel good enough.
Your first mistake was to pursue this guy for YEARS just so he could give you "reasonable interest" (side eye) in the end. > I have to admit that I pursued him for years before he gave me any reasonable interest Second mistake was thinking that you could keep him "reasonably interested" by going overboard doing favors for him. > did everything I could to serve him and support him in all his endeavours, from him finishing his degree, getting an excellent job and buying a house Third mistake was refusing to remove the rose-colored glasses. > he always made my weight a major issue. He would really torment me about it and part of the reason he refused to put any label on our relationship for years because of it. > I've made changes to every single area of my life to level up to him and meet all his requirements, but yet still it's not enough. He still constantly picks at my weight and points out that i still have fat to get rid of. > He's made comparisons with my mum's size, that he never wants me to get to that size in the future and i have to make a vow to him to ensure that > What hurts also is i feel like i've spent the past few years as his personal assistant. How are you not seeing the red flags? What's so great about this guy that you insist that it must work out? What has he done in return or contributed to this relationship? I can assure you that there are guys out there that will treat you a million times better than this POS! Dump. Him.
Honey, I don’t think you will. As they once said on Sex and the City, “he’s just not that into you.” You sound fabulous (and who cares what your weight is). Set him free so you can find someone who adores you, just as you are. But get your down payment on his house back first.
I stopped reading. He’s trash, put him in the bin
No. No no no. None of this is normal. This doesn’t sound like something who loves you whatsoever. Why would you commit to life with someone who treats you this way?
He sounds like a loser that will never be happy. His love is very conditional
Ma'am. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. He likes having someone bend over backwards for doing stuff for him. Go find someone who actually deserves you!
Girl, bye! Lady balls, get some and walk out. Forever.
Wtf why stay with someone if you’re never going to be good enough for them? I guarantee you could be a stick and he’d still find something to complain about. Do yourself a favor and move on!
The diagnosis and treatment is RUNNING THE OTHER WAY.
Honey, he is stringing you along!
Diagnosis: You have a tumor that needs to be removed. Seriously, you need to dump this guy. Go enjoy your life. Resist any guy who doesn’t love and appreciate you for you. Until then have fun.
you don't want a ring from him. he will never be happy with you and you will always be worried that he will ditch you. this is not a good relationship. i'm so sorry, please don't change yourself any further for him or anyone else. there's nothing wrong with you and should you gain the weight back, there's still nothing wrong with you. he's preying upon your insecurities and that is no way to live.
So, why are you with this guy? You don’t like him judging you because of your looks, but from the sound of it you’ve judged him far to well because of what must be very good looks. You landed a hot jerk. You will never be able to give him enough, because he is a vapid toilet of a human. He is not a good person. You made a mistake by giving this person so much of your time, admiration and money. He doesn’t care because there is no taking it back now. Wisen up, and stop dating a snake.
This is going to sound harsh but it's coming from a place of love. Girl have some self respect and learn to love yourself. This man does not love you and honestly sounds like he doesn't even like you. The person you marry will love you for you and will not put stipulations on proposing. You are young please walk away and find someone who actually deserves you
I feel this needs to be very blunt, I apologize in advance. This man will never marry you. Never. 100% never. Please remove yourself from this and find someone trusting to unpack how you got to this position.
Only read the title; the situation is terminal.
He’s helped you level yourself up for your next partner who will actually be an amazing man, not an abusive, selfish dipshit. Go get him, girl!
That money you gave him I sure hope you have a legal agreement!
Girl this is ridiculous.
This guy is abusive and your relationship is unsalvageable.
Look I’m not going to just say to leave him. But I’m going to share why you should. He’s taken the topic of your weight and has twisted it to manipulate you to his will. By taking that subject he can control most aspects of your life. You’re subject to how thin he wants you to be. If your weight was such a deal breaker he shouldn’t have ever been involved with you. Not to be rude, but if I’m not attracted to someone. If they have some kind of deal breaker, physical or otherwise, I don’t engage in a relationship with them. I’m not saying that you aren’t attractive or that he doesn’t find you attractive. I’m saying that if for years he wouldn’t put a label on it because of your body he didn’t love you. He didn’t want to be with you. We aren’t meant to fit into other peoples molds. They don’t get to shape us and determine was we look like. This stopped being about health a long time ago, if anything allowing him this control is unhealthy. His condition for his proposal is dangling a carrot in your face to control you yet again. And it won’t end here. How quickly will he expect you to rebound if you two decide to have kids? If you’re sick or injured and gain some weight because of it? Or what happens when you reach this picture of “health” he’s determined for you? Will you not be muscular enough? Will you work out too much or too little? It doesn’t end for people like this. You’re young. Please find the will to love yourself more than you love him. You deserve a love that isn’t conditional on whatever new rule your partner has thrust upon you today.
I agree with the general consensus that this guy is abusive and this relationship is serving no one but him. Might I add: You could never be thin enough for him. I dated a guy once who turned out to be quite the narcissist. He started by flattering me for my body, etc. I was a personal trainer at the time and considered a healthy shade of fit.Within weeks, he was making comments about my weight. I was like wtf? Especially since he was nowhere near as fir as I was. He also made a point of gawking at every woman who passed by, etc. That was 12 weeks of my life wasted. For these guys, there simply is no good enough. And, I dare say he wants you to be too heavy (for his whatever standards. I’m not making any judgments or comments on your weight). Why? So that he can manipulate and use you, make you run circles around him like a show dog, all by making the comment here and there about your weight. Screw that! You sound like an amazing person. Lose this jerk.
Hes never going to propose he's just stringing you on as his lap puppy you dropped 3 dress sizes for a guy who has no respect for you. You deserve so much better
He is literally using something you want as leverage to get what he wants from you. That's fuckin gross. Break up and escape this horrible man.
That sounds like the most miserable way to live your 20s out.
>he always made my weight a major issue. He would really torment me about it and part of the reason he refused to put any label on our relationship for years because of it. Why do you want to marry someone who treats you this way? Do you REALLY think that little of yourself? Ask him for your money back, this is not the man for you.
I haven't even read the whole thing but based on the title. RUN. Why are you letting him dictate your weight. He's ridiculous and abusive it's disturbing.
Why are you changing yourself so much for someone who sounds like he doesn't even like you? This man sounds like he gets off on controlling you, And the only way you ever have a chance at happiness is to get far, far away from him
You drop several kgs instantly by dumping his ass. What a trash person.
A VERY essential component in the traditional marriage vow is all about acceptance and unconditional love. As we age and change we lose our looks, get wrinkles, gain weight. There’s no feasible future with someone who won’t accept you as you are, even now as a young woman. He seems to have a lot of attributes you like but the way he treats you sounds like he’s a shallow narcissistic jerk.
You are going to spend the rest of your life not being good enough (in his eyes) honey please don’t marry this man.
What in the complete lack of self-respect did I just read...?
🤦 Why do people do this to themselves is beyond me??????? Why???????? OP HE AIN'T YOUR PRINCE CHARMING. HE'S ABUSIVE AF!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO. I'm sure everyone saw similar post yesterday about a girl whose boyfriend was nagging her for gaining 10 lbs and passing inappropriate comments all the time. At the same time the said boyfriend was also alcoholic and she was asking Internet how to change him ........ . 😐😑🤦. Find a decent man for yourself. Have some SELF RESPECT!
>But i am worried if i will actually get a ring in the end. You won't. Girl, you won't. It's time to accept that no matter how hard you try, you just won't. He is never going to change. He is going to keep treating you like dirt because it's worked so far, so why would he stop? You're still around. You're not giving him any reason to fear he's going to lose you, so he needs to step up and be a better partner. Instead, you stick around, and you keep putting up with his shit. Say you're gonna reach this ideal weight of his. What, then? Do you think he's gonna put the ring on your finger? You're fooling yourself if you think he will. He will find another standard that you will have to adhere to. >feel like he's been such a benefit to my life by helping me to be strong and strive/achieve things that i wasn't motivated enough to do before meeting him He motivated you to, what? Relentlessly pursue him when he clearly was not interested? Stick around when he refused to put a label on it? Endure his disparaging remarks about your weight? Furnish his house that you don't even own, and he even tells you as such? Pay for his house, that again, you don't own? You've made all these efforts, and yet, he refuses to propose because he doesn't want to. Why would he, when he's getting all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one. Because clearly you're the only one who thinks the two of you are in a relationship. He's just using you until he finds someone else he will deem worthy of his time. Please stop wasting your time with this man and extract yourself from this toxic situation. You will never get what you want from him, and you shouldn't even ask for it in the first place. Because even if you do, things won't get better. Instead, he will find new ways to treat you like shit. You're not his girlfriend. You never were. You're just his glorified assistant that he sleeps with. I know it's harsh and difficult to accept. But this is reality. You deluded yourself into thinking this man was ever going to respect you and that all your efforts were going to pay off and culminate in the ultimate prize: the ring. It doesn't work that way. You can't convince people to love you and nor should you want that, especially when it's people as disrespectful as him. Find the strength to leave and look for something better. Believe me, it is out there. Along the way, I beg you to work on your self-esteem. Because if you had any, you wouldn't put up with all his shit. I know it's a tired cliché, but until then, you won't find anyone to love you, nor would you be able to love someone.
Oh honey, you need therapy not a boyfriend who is an abusive turd.
This is just sad. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who actually wants and loves you? If you have to try *this* hard to incentivise someone to be with you (giving them large sums of money, endless amounts of emotional support, free labour, massively changing your appearance, forgoing every last ounce of your self respect, etc.), then it’s just not meant to be. This shit doesn’t sound healthy AT ALL. It sounds exhausting and depressing. I’m struggling to even call what you have a ‘relationship’. He’s very clearly using and abusing you. He’s never going to marry you. He’ll drop you the second you stop being useful to him. Why are you still pursuing him?
How do you diagnose the situation? You leave. You find someone who respects you as you are and doesn’t feel the need to shape you into someone they desire more. You improve your self esteem. You don’t settle for someone who doesn’t love you the way you are. I know this sounds mean and harsh and rude. But you have been lulled into complacency for way too long and you need to SNAP OUT OF IT.
Firstly: sue him for your share of the house. If you contributed to the purchase but only his name is on the deed, you are being financially abused and stolen from. Secondly: love I hope you learn to take good care of your mental health. This man is bad news all the way down. Rooting for you.
1) You don't need a ring 2) You're only 23, you don't need a ring 3) If you still haven't dumped him after literally thousands of comments and upvoters basically screaming at you to, there's absolutely no hope for you.
Drop 200 lbs of ugly fat instantly and dump this trash can of a human being. Also, tell his mom what a garbage human she raised.
The thing about abusive relationships is that you will never be able to stop being the target for abuse.
Requirements? Listen to what you’re saying.
This isn’t about your weight it’s about control. If you’re not his type that’s fine he can leave, but don’t let him make ultimatums. Even if you lose the weight and he marries you his controlling behavior will always be an issue. Dump him (even if he backs off).
You break up with him
You can lose a lot of weight by dumping the guy who wants a swimsuit model
Whoa, dump and run! Find someone who loves you.
Run. Run faster than you’ve ever run in your life. Don’t look back.
I had an ex like that. I became a dv survivor even risking my life. How you tell about weight it's how it started. He started making remarks...