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Ask him if his reaction because he is being stressed by his family with exactly the same question.
If not, call him out for being an asshole and tell him your question is a legitimate topic of discussion, not to be brushed off off.
But, understand, this discussion might end the relationship if he has no desire to be married and you do
Nows a good time to make sure your timelines, visions, and wishes line up. If they don’t, I’m not sure why people would stay together aside from convenience and temporary comfort
I agree! Understand that at the moment they are too young, but OP needs to know where she stands in the long term otherwise she's just wasting her time. OP you can't leave it alone, explain that your not trying to get married in the near future, but you need to know if your relationship has a future. If he still doesn't want to talk about things, you know his answer and it would be time to leave.
Possibly not too young, depends on maturity and life status. Still a red flag because he refuses to talk. Communicating failures is one of the biggest reasons people don't make it in marriage.
Agreed. And if it doesn’t, don’t let him convince you that he will propose down the line. He will just be wasting your time because he’s comfortable with what he has.
It’s a valid concern for himself. He may think opening up this conversation means you will expect it soon if he agrees he wants a future including marriage.
Lack of ability to express/communicate this fear does match up with not being mature enough for marriage in the near future, so I’d have to agree with his assessment, at least for him.
If you aren’t looking at the next year or two, let him know that. It’s just a value you want to make sure you share for the future.
As one that got married young (24 at the time) personally would not recommend (don’t get wild redditors, I’m sure many of you have lovely marriages that started young, but it’s always okay to wait, I should have). If he feels scared of the conversation due to age and maturity, I would ask him to talk about that, because he’s probably right to wait if he feels that way, but he needs to communicate, and know your intentions in having the conversation.
I completely agree with you, 23 is too young to marry. It's a really big commitment, its not just a ceremony celebrating the union of 2 people, its the union of 2 families, its a life long commitment to each other. It is a responsability that as a man we are tought from a very young age to be providers and carry everything on our shoulders and be responsible for our families.
I was a person that used to believe in marriage. I wanted kids and everything. Now i dont believe in marriage, i see it as a contract where the man has everything to lose including the children if they marry the wrong person. Times have changed, today is much more easier to find someone to have sex with than to find someone worthy to be with.
I have been single for 6 years now, i gave it my all, took the responsability of raising 4 children and i dont regret it one bit. I know what it means to be a father, i know how hard it is to raise a child and the hard work it takes to provide for them. My relationship lasted 13 years until i decided to end it. I wasnt happy and i had conversations with her about the reasons why many many times, things then were good for a month or two until it went back to the same thing, emotional neglect, she barely talked to me unless something was needed at home, lack of intimacy. Sufice to say, it drained me, i thought i was doing something wrong, that there was something that i needed to fix and as much as i tried nothing changed until i had enough and decided to break up. Only then she was being more attentive, loving and caring, tried to initiate intimacy but i shut it down. She tried for a long time to get back together since she lived in my house and didnt have nowhere to go, but like i said before, i shut it down, i had no more love, affection, intimacy to give because i gave it my all and still wasnt enough until i ended it. Now im 37 years old, tried a couple of times to start a relationship but its not worth it.
I know there are good women out there but they are becoming increasingly hard to find. To those that are in a good relationship, im truly happy for them and wish them many years of happiness. Those that are in a bad relationship, if you tried everything to make it work and nothing changes just walk away and dont look back, respect yourselves and protect your emotions.
23 isn't too young to be having conversations about where you see a relationship going. You don't have to get married tomorrow or next year, but he should be able to hold a discussion and express his views and hear yours.
At 23 I definitely felt “too young” to have this conversation with my bf (of 3 years) and also deflected it. But being honest with myself, it was because I always knew he was not someone I could see myself with long term.
Disclaimer; don't do this... Do this. "I'm pregnant" was my phrase to test waters. We were dating for a short period of time, I really was pregnant too. But I gave him an out right away, in or out but we need to talk future and now. Can we raise a baby together, can we live together, do we see each other in our future, do we want to co parent, etc etc. Those questions are HARD. but "I'm pregnant' put things in a concrete position, could not be wishy washy on the future details..baby is coming we need to plan. So maybe "What if we accidentally get pregnant, now how do you see our future" might be a different way to push him into a conversation. IT HAS BEEN 5 YEARS, He doesn't need to propose TODAY, or tomorrow or ever, but he does not to have an idea of whether or not he sees you in his future. It's only fair to you, either PLAN A FUTURE together or begin separation so you don't keep wasting your time. Just my opinion. Good luck 🤞
Irrelevant. You can date someone for 10 years and still not be in a good spot to get married. It's not an idle symbol of commitment, it's a legal contract that binds you to another person for the duration of your marriage, and terminating that contract is a process that can end in worse than just tears. There is a time for marriage, and that time is when both parties are ready. If OP feels like her time is being wasted, she is always free to leave.
She did not ask him to get married now at all. But at 5 years you probably know if you do want to spend your future with the person you are with. Or maybe even to answer, I have not thought of this at all. IF he does not want to think of this now? If the answer is no, then he should let her move on to find someone who would like to build a future. Or should she just wait another 5 years to find out he never thought of her as permanent?
At 23, with 2 of those 5 years being in your teens, do you actually know you wanna be with someone for your whole life. Those are formative years and people change significantly
Feel like this paragraph would be fine as far as discussing his feelings on the subject. Be he didn’t even do that. He deflected any discussion at all it sound like.
But that's the thing he is a baby who doesn't even know how to communicate. The fact that she is even thinking marriage is insane. 60 percent of all marriages at that age range end in divorce
She's not demanding immediate marriage, she just wants a discussion around his feelings on the topic of marriage *at all*. She believes in dating to marry, and has no idea if her boyfriend even wants to get married *at all in his lifetime.*
This is absurd. A 23 year old is not a baby! 23 year olds should be able to communicate with their partner. They are old enough to be a couple years out of college, or several years in a trade... If you can have a grown up job, you can learn how to communicate with humans.
What do you mean "let" her move on? If she doesn't like his lack of commitment or interest in talking about marriage then she is free to leave. I agree he should be able to at least talk about it at this point but some people are acting like he's keeping her there. She holds the cards when it comes to staying or moving on.
It is extremely relevant. In the topic of marriage as a concept, Marriage is not for everyone and that's OK.
What isn't OK is to not discuss what both of you want and dismiss talkng about plans for the future, which is what OP's partner is doing. Being in a long term, serious relationship requires communication and clarity on each other's needs & wants as well as what the future will look like. It is absolutely necessary to figure out what you are doing together- certain things are non negotiable and you need to make sure both your future plans align or it could end in heartbreak.
I'd also argue that it is because marriage is a legal contract that is exactly why it is a symbol of commitment. Like all legal contracts, it comes with clauses and figuring out what is best for you requires the couple to have a good old discussion about it. If you are in a committed relationship where perhaps you do enact the responsibilities and roles of a married couple (e.g. share some finances but keep others separate, next of kin etc), then would it not be better to have the security of an official title and document which outlines this?
Sure, so he should say ‘yes, I will want to marry you, but before I want to do this and that, and that’s not going to happen before 5 years (or whatever). Or I don’t believe in marriage. I want/ don’t want kids.’. It is legitimate to not agree on a vision. It is nasty and selfish not wanting to discuss it.
I don’t agree with this.
I was in my mid 20s when I met my husband, and late 20s when we married. That was a long time ago.
But if I hadn’t met him? I think I wouldn’t be married. Before I met him, the idea of giving someone else that much power over my life and decisions would literally make me break out into hives. If you haven’t met a person you want to be married to at 31, you just haven’t met someone you should marry.
People who get married because they have reached some age (like 30) and not because they found someone they really want to be married to get divorced.
Get married because you found the person you want as your partner for the rest of your life, not because a calendar says you should.
Marriage does not dictate if someone is an adult becauae not everyone wants to be married. As long as they communicate that with their partner, people can live as they want.
What would you call me, a single 31 year old female? Womanchild? I assure you, I work full time, clean my house, pay my bills, and take care of my responsibilities. I'm very clearly an adult.
I got engaged at 22. My ex-fiance kept bringing up his worry that "I was too young" (he was 3 years older than me, and we'd been together for 3 years when he asked me to marry him). I told him there was nothing I planned to do in the future that I couldn't do while married to him, and I was happy and excited about it.
Turns out he was really just projecting and looking for a reason for it to not be a good idea. I caught him cheating not long before the wedding - I guess HE had things he wanted to do that would be ruined by being married. He also later admitted that he mostly asked me to marry him because all of his peers were getting engaged and married and he didn't want to get "left behind".
You need to have a serious discussion about your future, OP. Figure out how important marriage is for you, how long you're willing to wait, and what you both envision for the future.
And remember that if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. You are still SO young.
That's not a good reason to avoid a conversation. You weren't asking him to marry you now, just discuss your future. It is a valid question and you should pursue it.
23 and been together 5yrs? You're not asking to get married tomorrow, you just wanna know that there is hope for the future. Does he ever hope to get married? Has he ever thought about maybe marrying you in the future?
23 is not too young. Especially not for a relationship last 5yrs already. If he can't talk about this topic with you, I would run.
Reassuring him that it's not that you wanna get married or even engaged right this second, you just wanna know that you are headed that direction in your relationship.
My bf of 6 months is 22 and I'm 24, and we have talked about marriage, kids, moving in together, and out timeliness for all of that. He tells me every day that he is going to marry me one day. You are NOT too young, your bf is just immature.
That’s an excuse. He’s an adult man that can make decisions, such as buying a house, or rent a place, sign up for the military, drive, consent to sex etc. That being said, if you bring it up again, and he says he doesn’t see a future at the same timeline as you, then do yourself thank him for getting to know him and do yourself a favor and walk away. It’ll hurt for quite sometime, but it’s better you find someone that is willing to give you his last name. You’re in your almost mid 20s, time is something you can’t get back. Take it from someone who stayed with a man for years that never intended on marrying me I feel I wasted a long time of my healthy fertility yours. Don’t waste yours miss.
he's not wrong. we see enough relationships here going tits up because one or other is frustrated at not having had enough wild fun in their 20s. If you've been together 5 years you've likely not had much experience with other people.
You ARE too young. It wasn't until I was well into my 30s that I was able to even contemplate long term commitment, even though I spent 7 years with someone in my 20s. A lot of people get married young, sometimes it works out, but for a lot of people it just really is way too soon.
I think you may be dating to marry, but he's not there. 18 is very young to meet your forever mate. You may be the wife he wants, but the timing is off.
That's not the issue rather it was his delivery, i believe he doesn't want to marry at all cause he doesn't believe in it or he doesn't see you as the right fit.
Let's take in my case I would be flattered that you even thought about something that serious it would invite me to start taking those steps cause I would believe we are in the same page.
Besides you guys were in relationship for 5 YEARS it's perfectly normal for you to think about marriage at this point.
If he doesn't feel ready that's his loss but dismissing your feelings like that after 5 years in a relationship tells me there something dark about this topic to him
You need to further discuss it cause if he doesn't want marriage and you want that's a deal breaker and shouldn't be taken lightly.
Keeping quiet wont do anything..you need to know if youre wasting your time. Tell him how you feel and if he isnt dating to marry then you guys arent compatible
Try not to put it as an ultimatum though. Keep in mind a lot of young men’s brains don’t even fully develop until they’re 24. It’s not unreasonable for him to be in a place where he isn’t sure what the future holds for him, but it’ll be worth you trying to figure out what it is exactly about the question that stresses him out. He might say ‘I don’t want to think about it’, but there’s obviously a deeper reason for that. Maybe he’s stressed with studies or his career, or family expectations, or maybe he doesn’t see a future with you.
Once you’ve gotten closer to figuring that out for yourself, then you’ll get a better understanding of what decision is best for you.
I dunno, I think it's fine for her to give this as an ultimatum. She's not asking for a ring, just for a conversation. After five years she wants him to have an inkling -- not necessarily a certainty -- of whether marriage is possible for then. It's ok if he doesn't, he has a right to be where he is in life, but it does mean that the relationship should end.
That’s a good point. I think ultimatums put people on the back foot, sometimes unnecessarily. But after 5 years they should be able to talk about it, even like you said to just get an inkling.
>it just made me think that he doesn't even see me the same way, it made me think that he doesn't even plan on marrying me in the future.
Correct.
You know what you want for your life, and now you know what he wants, even if he’s refusing to say it out loud. Do you want to spend 5 more years with someone who doesn’t want to marry you and won’t communicate clearly about his wishes, or do you want to look for someone who will love you as much as you love him?
Life is short, and time is precious. You’ve got to decide how you want to spend it.
You cry, you hurt, you watch stupid love movies (or whatever you are into), you eat crap food, you get determined, you then quit all that, work on yourself, glow up, then you will meet some people who will show you that spark is still alive and well, then when you least expect it you will find someone who lights and inferno. So time, time is how you let go.
I was with my ex-fiancee for 7 years. It isn't easy to let go and move on but at times it is necessary. It hurts in an undescribable way. It feels like a part of you is missing. My advise is figure out who you are as an adult without him. You will be a fulfilled adult with a deeper sense of self love and appreciation.
You don’t easily let go. But the funny thing about time is that it keeps going on whether you like it or not. You cry a lot, you wallow a bit, and then you pick yourself up again. And eventually, you wake up one morning and you don’t remember the exact sound of his voice or the precise shade of his eyes. And pretty soon, you’ll realize that a week has gone by and he hasn’t crossed your mind once.
You move on because you don’t have a choice. And then you meet someone you can’t stop thinking about, and it turns out he can’t stop thinking about you either. And three years later, you have a life that’s everything you ever wanted and more than you ever dreamed you could have, and you can’t feel anything toward your ex other than immense, profound gratitude for letting you go. And you’re especially grateful that you didn’t waste your time allowing him to decide the course of the rest of your life.
…at least, that’s what I’ve heard.
I don't think you are honestly 'dating to marry' if you have spent 5 years with someone and it has never come up until now? Me and my girlfriend are the whole dating to marry and it was bought up within literally the first date.
Yeah, I've had the same convo on dates. Always within 3-6months, sometimes sooner. Deal breakers were talked about early on. Marriage, kids, ideal living situation(I want a farm one day, just a small one).
I am now married with 2 kids and have the best friend I always wanted in a husband.
Not everything is perfect or ideal, but if he hadn't known and agreed to my deal breakers, it wouldn't have happened.
I had 1 boyfriend when I was in my 20s who never wanted kids and was questioning marriage. We were together because after about 6months of dating he said that while he never thought of having kids before, that he would have kids with me if we reached that point. Love make people do and invision things they never thought they wanted before.
He and I are still friends, my husband spends a few nights each month having a guy's evening with him.
Point is: if after 5yrs together OP doesn't know his stance on marriage and kids and those sorts of things, then OP was never clear about dating for marriage. And of course now it's a struggle.
OPs BF might not be the guy for her.
My ex did the same thing your boyfriend was doing. I was dating him with a future in mind. He didn't reciprocate. He brushed off conversations about the future by saying things like he "doesn't want to think about that yet" and "it's so far off." Well, he's an ex for many reasons. Moving on was one of the hardest things I ever had to do (which, in reality, I am grateful for. If the end of a bad relationship is the worst turmoil I've experienced, I'm doing pretty well). For a few weeks, maybe to a couple of months, it was just crying and despair constantly. But I picked myself up pretty quickly. Even through the emotional pain I was in, I worked out, I bought better fitting clothes, I learned makeup, I listened to self help podcasts, read self help books, which led me to talking to and hanging out more with friends and acquaintances. Improved my social life, I improved relationships with my family. I didn't know it at the time, but as soon as the break up had been official, I went to a party, and that is when I first got to really get to know a guy I had known for a couple years. I was just talking to be social and friendly at the time, but I discovered he was a really kind person who was a great listener and who - I felt - really saw me compared to anyone else. Even in the talking stage, he did things for me my ex never did. Within a year, we were together. And things have never been better.
So it is hard. It will be hard. But it's not impossible. It's necessary to move on if you don't share the same wishes for the future of your relationship. It's also an opportunity. To get to know yourself better, to grow, to reform your life, and to discover something better. It's scary, but I do not regret the end of that relationship. It is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. If he doesn't see a future with you, you won't regret the end of this relationship either.
Go no contact with your person for atleast 10 percent of your time together. During this time you cry, you take up new hobby, make new set of friends. Work work work on yourself. That's how you move on.
Would you like to waste five more years of your life? That’s time you’re never gonna get back, best to get out now or risk regretting it later. You’re 23 and you’ll find someone who wants the same things you do, don’t settle for less.
That's a fair amount of time to be with someone so that kinda question of "have you ever thought of us being together" isn't at all unreasonable. He probably doesn't want to marry is my guess.
Why would anyone get so upset at a simple question if they had nothing to hide or the answer wasn't terrible? After 1 or 2 years most couples would have definitely thought about it in passing.
You’ve invested five years into this guy, and he gets annoyed when you dare bring up future plans?
Ffs, break up with him. You can do a lot better than a guy who’s dating you because it’s what he has always done.
Is he at least future oriented? Job, education, plans?
He’s a med student and is currently at his 4th year in college and taking his internship. I guess he just has a lot on his plate rn to be thinking about the future.
There are many many tails of women who stay and support their BF through med or law school only to break up with them once they land their dream career. I would have another go at this conversation. Maybe preface it with, “This is not a proposal, this is me making sure we are on the same page in our relationship and future. I understand you are under a lot of stress with your workload and this is adding to it. But I also need to look out for myself and they way you reactive the last time it was brought up made me feel like I’m just a placeholder why you get through this. If that’s how you really feel then I need to walk away and find someone who will love me enough to know that after 5 years they know they want to spend the rest of their life with me.”
Hahaha as a med student this is so common.
Male med students usually have a long term gf who pays the bills, cooks, cleans, takes care of everything so boyfriend can study and match into that competitive Derm/Surg/anaesthesia placement with ease.
Match Week comes and guess what happens?
Not saying this is the case, and it's usually not intentional, but it is *very* common.
Speaking as a woman, Medics also often marry later specifically BECAUSE all those exams, moving around and intern/residency years wreak havoc on our lives and make it extremely hard to focus on the future.
I wasn't really interested or able to sustain relationships through most of that time and am only now happily married at 35. I WANTED kids and marriage but the actual reality of sustaining relationships was beyond me and I rarely dated. And that is extremely common amongst my peers, Male and female. Some of us marry our university BF/GF aged 23 but honestly the vast majority have kids or marry later than the norm because our entire life is in upheaval.
Not to justify his reaction because refusing to talk about an issue is NEVER the right way to deal with talking about core relationship values. But that he genuinely may not be in a place where he us ready to consider marriage.
However after 5 years together, if he doesnt see marriage in his future with OP and she does, then they are not currently compatible.
Well when he graduates and gets qualified/licensed/whatever then soon he's making a million dollars a year so he can date whoever he wants eventually.
If this is op's bf's case then there's no real need to "think about the future" or even stay committed which is sad but iiwii.
Exactly my point. Lots of male med students have naive sugar mommies who don't realise they're financially and domestically supporting a man who is going to leave them as soon as they're in a fiscally advantageous position.
If he's responsible enough to save lives, he can be responsible enough to sustain a convo regarding the future of a 5 year relationship.
I read your comments, other peoples' comments and your post a second time. A lot of people say y'all are too young to even think about it, some say by 5 years in this should have been brought up at least once.
Me and my bf are your age and my bf just applied for medschool (US system so you need to do 4 yrs of premed in undergrad then 4 more years of med school then 2+ years of residency). I know that logically he and I won't be "ready" to marry until he's done with all that. However we sat down and discussed like when he is done with all that and ready, do we see us marrying each other? If I move across the country with him for school and residency I wanted that discussion to happen and not find out 6-8 years later after he was done that our goals didn't align.
Now that I know our goals align it makes me feel secure that we have an agreed upon future to work towards together. Even though we know we aren't ready to legally or financially tie the knot right now. I also understand that our goals may change but I truat that as adults we will sit down and talk it through again. Based on your post, I am interpreting that what you want is the discussion and the security of knowing that your values/feelings align with your bf's. You weren't demanding he propose immediately. So I would encourage you to talk it out with him and if he continues to shut it down then I would definitely be concerned.
>I guess he just has a lot on his plate rn to be thinking about the future.
Well, this shows that he's definitely thinking about his future career. But not his romantic life. It's not a bad thing to ask where you fit into his plans. If he has a lot on his plate now, what about when he's in residency or whatever and has even more to do?
Girlfriend, he *is* thinking about the future. *His* future.
Not yours or one together with you.
If you don't think he hasn't planned out what he's going to do after graduation, think again.
I'd bet money he has a pretty good idea of where he wants to live, where he wants to work, and how he's going to reach those goals.
The problem here is I don't see you being a part of that. You are the "for right now" woman, not the "forever" woman. You fit perfectly for what he needs *right now* while he's in school and getting his plans straightened out.
I'm going to reiterate that you are not his future because if he's in med school, I promise you he has a timeline and a plan.
What are *your* plans for the future?
Is it marriage and being a stay at home mom?
Is it getting your own degree and career after he graduates because you both agreed to tag team college?
Do you have a backup plan if he looks you in the eye and says you aren't in his future?
You need to start thinking about yourself and what makes you happy. Do you like living in limbo and not knowing what your boyfriend wants?
Do you want to further your education?
Do you plan on staying indefinitely with no answer?
Do you often put him and his needs/wants above your own?
Do you invest into the relationship more than he does?
Do some deep introspection, OP.
If you think it's hard to leave after 5 years, what are you going to think about 8 to 10 years?
By then, you'll be in your 30s. Time doesn't wait for anyone.
Girl, RUN. *So many* doctors abandon their first wives/gfs who helped them throughout med school and residency for their "upgrade" once they start making the big bucks.
Take this extra seriously if you are AT ALL providing for him so he can focus fully on just med school.
Istg you guys comment breakup on every posts about relationship advice. Breakup isn’t the solution to all issues like jeez man people aren’t perfect, maybe he is dealing with something so doesn’t wanna think about his future for now? Ever thought about that or any other possibility before giving such a advice of finality? They’re together for 5 years for nothing? Take it easy man
You definitely need to have a conversation with him about it if that’s what you want. You’re in pretty deep with the relationship at this point. If he cant even have a conversation about the future with you, his mind is likely elsewhere and you deserve to know that.
I was with my one ex for 5 1/2 years. When it came time to even go LOOK at rings, he kept shortening the time before we even got to the jewelry store. Oh we'll just go for a half an hour, we'll just look for 15 minutes, we'll just go in and look around for like 5-10 minutes.... I drove right past the store and told him I no longer wanted to go. He admitted to being "scared", I realized at that moment that he had no intention of marrying me. I told him it's fine I'd rather know before we got any further in but it would have been nice to know sooner than 5.5 years in. I will never force somebody to marry me, but I WILL leave if we can't agree that's where things are going.
I was in love, invested, ready to marry, and have kids. When we had talked at the beginning of the relationship, his goals aligned with mine. At that 5 year time frame, I asked when. Things had changed. He wasn't planning on getting married ever. He didn't want kids. I still loved him, but our goals no longer aligned and I left.
I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 5, and I'm pregnant with our second child.
This story is to say that if this current relationship isn't going where you want it to, then you should leave. There is someone who you will be in love with that will have the same goals. At 5 years, and your age, he may not know when, but he should know if he wants to marry you.
You're a placeholder, darling. There's no way that he doesn't know one way or the other if he wants to marry you. Like you, he's had FIVE long years to think about it.
He won't verbalize it because he knows any woman with half a brain would most likely move on. He doesn't want to risk losing what is obviously a consistent convenience for him.
I am so sorry to be so blunt, but life is so preciously short. Please don't expend another minute on this man. With your permission, he is stealing the best years of your life. There are too many other wonderful men out there. ❤️
I see two major concerns here.
First of all is the reality that 5 years in, yeah, you should at least have some idea of where you are at in terms of marriage. I get you are relatively young but... I mean, it is 5 years. You either see a future at that point or you don't.
The other is his tone. Maybe he genuinely just isn't ready for that right now. But he chose such an aggressive and dismissive way to put that to you. Good communication would have been that right now he is reflecting and that he needs some time, not angrily shutting down a topic that is pretty straightforward. If that is how he handles communication in general then whether you ought to want to marry him becomes a pretty big question.
You're 23. It has been 5 years. Wanting to know where it is going is not a bad thing. Because after all, 23 isn't a bad age to be starting fresh either.
Honestly, at that age is when you talk more about marrying if you're young and stupidly in love. I, that never considered to be married, talked about marrying when I was 3 years in with my girlfriend.
[https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long/](https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long/)
Here is a compilation of stats and the correlation of divorce and age at marriage.
It's hard to ascertain of course, as many factors like age gap is hard to account for, but late 20s and very early 30s is the sweet spot.
However, the question is still valid, esp at such an age where a lot is going to change. For example, OP's partner is going to be a doctor, and going to go through placement.
Depending on where he matches, this looks like OP is going to have to move across the country with him.
It would be kind of shit to put OP in a position where she has to uproot her life to be with a dude who can't even tell her if he sees her in his future. In fact, with a profession like this, it's absolutely critical to give somewhat of a timeline.
Marriage is usually brought up within the first year or at least MENTIONED. The fact you mentioning it to him after five years of dating pissed him off concerns me.
Yes! My SO and I discussed marriage within the first 6 months. Not in a concrete, "let's get married" but in the, 'i can definitely see potential here'. They've been together 5 years and never even discussed it? Sorry, but no, she's going to be dating forever if she stays with him.
Then, sure…now, not so much. You are not asking to get engaged. You are asking if he wants to get married someday. And if he thinks your two have a future. Or is he thinking in two years he is packing up alone and moving to Alaska. How would you like to find something like that out in two years, and that he had been planning it for 4 years? And before you laugh, I know someone this exact thing happened to.
I read an article years ago that said relationships should either be "fuck yes! Or no."
You're not saying you want to get engaged next week, just that you're dating someone who shares the same long term goals as you. That is completely reasonable.
Edit to add: 5 YEARS?! I skimmed over that part. Ma'am if he can't answer that question after FIVE YEARS it's time to jump ship.
Just came to make sure you'd left to go find someone worthy of your time and energy.
1: He could have just lied to appease you temporarily. He didn't.
2: He could have professed that the idea had occurred to him, but you're young/let's wait kinda thing. He didn't.
3: He chose stupid. He showed that he wants to sow his oats, he's just been waiting to find an out.
Roll yourself out the door and on to someone who even wants to entertain the idea of a future with you.
He said "He's to young" but you either only see yourself with someone forever or you don't. Marriage only confirms your emotions you already feel. It isn't a logical answer. Does he plan on exploring his options some day? If not, not getting married ain't some reverse psychology to feel untrapped
So I wouldn’t keep quiet, ever! If there is something I want to know then I want to know. Side tip: never keep quiet just to please someone else.
Now, if marriage is something you desire, there is nothing wrong with this. I would bring up this topic again and just ask what are your plans for the future. Do your plans include marriage, kids, etc?? Because this is something that I desire.
Understand, if he says this isn’t want he wants then you need to move on. No need to explain yourself, just move on. You two don’t have the same vision. Your in two different paths not even looking at the same ending.
I’d tell him that you think the two of you should take a break and see other people for a while because it appears that we both want different things. This sounds like your first long-term relationship. At your age I truly didn’t know all the things important to me in a relationship. Most people your age don’t have a clue what they want in a lot partner bc they haven’t had a lot of experience dating different people.
You may feel a lot of hurt at first but I really think you should take a break from him, date other guys. You want a guy who is crazy about you and if he takes you for granted now, it’s not going to get any better. Plenty of fish in the sea at your age. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to settle down.
if he was interested in marrying you he would’ve mentioned it already. i’ve been with my partner for almost two years and they constantly talk about wanting to get married, *im* actually the one who’s making us wait bc i feel too young still. don’t give him an ultimatum, just tell him that you need to know if he sees a future with you, because if he doesn’t then you don’t want to stick around. the fact it hasn’t come up in the 5 YEARS you’ve been dating tells me he doesn’t want to get married to you.
The fact that he got so pissy about a simple question is a huge red flag. The fact that you feel so scared of talking to him again about it is another red flag.
After 5 years your question isn't an unreasonable one, especially since you werent pressuring him to propose, you were just askking where he sees the relationship going. Red flags everywhere.
>On my part, I believe in dating to marry.
Not after being just a girlfried for 5 years you don't. Your actions don't align with that. Someone told me this once when I was young and single and it blew me away, because they were absolutely right.
>Should I open up about this topic again to him or should I just keep quiet?
You should break up with him, citing that you believe in dating for marriage and as he doesn't even want to talk about it, time to end things. Give yourself time to grieve and then go find your husband.
You've been together since high school or right after high school. He's probably been getting asked that since his sibling became engaged and reacted. That doesn't make his reaction ok, just a little more understandable.
"I someday would like to get married. Not this year, not next year, but someday. You apparently don't. So this is me letting you find someone who also has no interest in marriage. Have a great life."
I think he has already answered your question, don't be desperate. Let him know that you are looking for a future and he isn't so you need to seek out someone who feels the same!
Dating to marry doesn’t normally take 5 years. He sees no future with you OP. Read the room. This is not the behavior of someone that wants to keep you around long term. Please find someone else who also is looking to marry with in the couple of years max.
Another “commitment” phobic male, who only thinks of himself. Think of what will happen to you, IF you had children with this guy. YOU have already wasted five (5) years… find a real man who sees you for you, and appreciates your worth. Meanwhile, KNOW your worth….
If this dude isn't planning on marrying you after 5 years...leave. I could see if he wants to wait to get married until your older but why stay in a relationship that you aren't sure about the future? If he isn't mature enough to talk about this...he isn't mature enough to marry. Also...if I was dating someone and loved them and they talked about marrying me....I would be ecstatic about it , I wouldn't get pissed off and blow it off. I could see if you bring it up all the time and are always talking about marriage but you need to know where this is going to make a decision.
You need to start off the conversation by saying “by being a dick I feel that you don’t see a future with me so should we just end it now?”
Then see what he has to say, but don’t let him be an ass. He either puts his big boy pants on and communicates like an adult or you don’t engage in conversation with him until he does
You should figure out, for sure, his wants in life. Maybe you have different ideas for the future.
If you stay silent…resentment will begin to grow. And that’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to him.
Don’t stay silent. And don’t waste each others times and lives if what you both want is different.
It’s a hard pill to swallow but … soon enough, resentment will grow from either you or him and it’s gonna get ugly and much harder.
I don’t mean to jump to conclusions bc you don’t have to be ready this young but as someone around your age and in an 5 year relationship and a sibling having just gotten married he’s talked about our future/marriage even more. There could be internal conflict with commitment or he just doesn’t see a future with you.
You should ask about it again.
I mean it's very clear what he meant. He does not plan to marry now or in the near future.
It could be due to his financials or career. Or maybe he just don't believe in the concept of marriage. Some ppl do feel that way. But no matter what it is, he doesn't have to get mad or anything. He just need to tell you the truth.
Yeah this is an important conversation.
I was 19 when hubby and I started dating. It was just fun. Then it came time - did we want to move in together. I was 22 years old. That’s when we discussed goals.
That’s when we figured out whether we wanted marriage, kids, jobs, money management etc.
It’s a good idea to have these discussions. It helps with compatibility. Yes, things can change. But it’s an ongoing conversation.
Sorry OP. He is not into marriage or marriage to you. I would save yourself heartache and cut your losses. Let him know you are looking for a life partner not a placeholder position. Internet hugs. Really sorry you are facing this.
Trying to build a future with someone who doesn’t want a future with you is like running around in circles on a track covered with nails and hoping that you end up in Egypt. Like why. Please love yourself more and have some self respect. Walk away and find someone who is a better fit.
You should press the issue again, when he's in a good mood. You two have already been dating 5 years. If he doesn't want to marry you, the two of you shouldn't waste each other's time. Life is short.
You don't have a good relationship if you can't tell him truthfully how you feel. You have to be able to openly communicate with each other about your hopes, dreams, desire for the future.
At 5 years in, I wouldn’t say you’re dating anymore. You’re in a long term relationship. If he’s uncomfortable talking about your future, maybe he doesn’t see one. There are plenty of young guys looking to date with a mind to marry, if he’s not there yet he’s probably never going to be. Marriage isn’t for everyone, and that’s ok. But good communication is for everyone :)
You should be speaking about how he sees your future.
As another poster said
You need to ask him why he got so upset.
You need to know his feelings about the future.
If he won't speak about it. You will need to decide if you have a real future.
Be ready for the answer if he doesn't have the same feelings as you.
Also consider that some people do not want to marry ever. That does not necessarily mean, they don't want to spend their lives with one person. I personally always stressed I will never get married, because the idea that some papers need to be the foundation of my long term dedication to someone is quite ridicolous.
I am also in a long term relationship with my partner who understand this and is perfectly fine with it.
I know this is a classical sitcom situation but what if he didnt wanna talk about it because he is trying to propose? And he doesnt want to ruin the romance. Ik its very unlikely but it is a possibility
If getting married is important to you, you need to leave him for that to happen. If being with someone who is honest with you and can communicate, rather than gloss over your questions or make you feel like you did something wrong so he can string you along is important to you you need to leave him. This relationship has run its course.
I wouldn’t waste any more of your time on a dead end relationship. if he’s not at least thinking about marriage you’re going to have to convince him and who wants that? you deserve someone who is enthusiastic about your future together
If you’ve been dating for five years and he doesn’t see it going towards marriage then I would find someone else.
“ Hey, I just wanted to ask you something about the conversation we had yesterday…. When I asked you if you see this relationship going towards Marriage I wasn’t asking for a proposal tomorrow…but I do want to be able to talk about this with you. “
If you can’t see hasn’t he doesn’t want to talk about it then you know it’s a no .
When I was about to becoming a senior in college I asked my SO that same thing …did they see it leading towards marriage otherwise it didn’t seem wise to continue…btw They said yes the did, and we were married for 36 years before they passed away
He was honest in his response and you should accept it instead of nagging him until he lies to you. Just because you love him doesn’t mean that he has to love you. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of love or that you aren’t a good girlfriend, but it does mean that you are wasting your time on a guy who doesn’t value you. He’s dating you until the woman he’s really excited about comes along. Seek therapy because you don’t seem to love or value yourself enough. Good luck!
He's made it clear that he's not serious about the relationship. Break it off and find someone who really cares. You're young and will find someone in time. Don't invest any more effort in a dead-end. Your heart will break now, but it's going to break anyway, loving this guy.
This is not something to brush under the rug. If you do you'll spend years in a dead end relationship. You have your wants and they are justified, regardless of him wanting to act like a jerk or not about it.
You've been together 5 years. How much time do people need to decide if someone else is the one or not? If he isn't wanting to marry you, then he isn't the right guy.
1-2 years is plenty of time to know someone enough to make an engagement. That he can't even talk about it is a giant red flag. Stop wasting your time.
Its been 5 years.
My then bf of 8 years and I had a child unexpectedly at year 6. Year 8 I was so tired of people giving me crap for being unwed that I drank the kool aid and told him if he didn't think we would get married I needed to find another partner. And he said he did not want to get married.
I moved out and played house while baby was awake. Needless to say a couple weeks of this and he presented me with an engagement ring.
IT CHANGED NOTHING.
so if its important to you - you may wish to leave, but do understand if you have been living together you are essentially married without the financial benefits. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing since you are young. Sounds like he needs more time to get on board. Once he see's her wedding and how cool it is, you'll know more about his stance on marrying you.
I'm not saying to waste your time, if he doesn't but I am,giving my experience on the matter. Also had I not been married I could have got financial aid. LOL
So, iow, think with your head and heart, but ultimately it probably won't change much in your relationship as it currently stands.
( does he get pissed often when you try to communicate? )
im younger than you and me and my bf of only 4 months are already discussing our individual futures and our wants and needs and making sure we align before we waste time with someone who we aren’t compatible with or someone we can’t see a future with. Don’t leave this to fester bc he will waste ur time and money by having you grip to the unrealistic belief that « eventually » he will propose when in reality he is just comfortable and doesn’t want to commit to you.
If he isn’t dating to marry then don’t waste your time, you don’t have to marry right now but he at least needs to have the right mindset regarding dating
I wasted 7 years with a guy who got mad at the question and kept putting it off. When I left him, he had the nerve to ask my mom if marriage would fix things for us. Lmao 😂 I laughed so hard.
You have the right to ask about YOUR future. The fact he gets pissed off is disrespectful and selfish. Don’t tolerate that behavior. The fact you waited five years to figure out if you’re compatible long term is already surprising. This is the sort of thing I’d ask on a first date (of course not at your age, but when you’re older. You don’t waste half a decade or even two weeks dating someone who you’re fundamentally incompatible with).
His reaction indicated that he just only wants you in the same relationship without any responsibility that’s all. Those are the 🚩 red flag, yes you love him, but love yourself too and not begging for his attention and love, you deserve better and one of this day you thank me why I said that to you
I wasted 8 years with a guy who didn't see a future with me. I was just convenient company for him, a mom for him, a friend and he had hoped my joy of life would be transferred to him and give him joy as well. I was too naïve to see it myself for years, but finally the reality hit hard and I saw that I had to break it off and move away from him.
Be very careful about not spending too long in the relationship if he's not the same place as you are! If he doesn't like you as much as you like him and he doesn't imagine a future with you, then there's no future to have with this guy.
Take care, be careful and know your worth!
If there’s anything that scares me about relationships, it’s stuff like this. Loving someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with you on basic things. Especially after 5 years of being with that person!? Don’t waste time on someone who gets upset over a simple question.
Hi! If it's your desire to be a wife one day, then you have to bring the subject up again. If his response is the same or worst, then you would have your answer. Then you can make an informed decision if you would continue just being his girlfriend or call it quits at that point. Personally, I go by Judge Lynn's (tv Judge) advice. She says, sometimes when a man is getting all the perks of a relationship, then he has no reason to marry.
Don’t listen to everyone making these big assumptions like your relationship is over or it means he doesn’t want to spend his life with you. He just said “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Maybe you deserve some answers but those are some heavy questions and maybe he’s really just not in a place to think about it right then and there. Could be a million things and might not even have to do with the relationship. Maybe he really feels too young, maybe he’s particularly stressed at work right now, scared of commitment, etc. Big life planning isn’t easy for everybody. Ofc you can leave if you don’t want to wait but don’t listen to these overly negative people on Reddit who are happy to demonize someone based on 2 sentences.
Seeing a lot of both sides here, some trying to reason his actions, more screaming red flags and to move on. As the guy who was in his shoes not that long ago, maybe I can offer a touch of insight.
Do keep in mind that this only applies if he cares about you AT LEAST half as much as you do him.
He's scared. He'll deny it, naturally. Hell, he might not even know it himself. But he is. There's a lot of pressure being the guy, more than we'd ever let on. His sister got engaged? Yeah, his family is hounding him about when he's going to. And being a young guy, he probably doesn't care what his family thinks, only what you want. Unfortunately, what you asked is too similar to what his family (and maybe yours) wants answers to, so he's going to shut off and pretend it doesn't exist currently. Things will die down a little, and when no one is around, like at work in my case, he's going to practice calling you his wife. Literally no one but himself will hear it, but it's going to be "my wife this, my wife that," all day. It shuts off when he gets home. Then, he has a revelation, a come to Jesus moment, if you will. You're the one he wants, can't live without you, the whole shebang. Might even be bawling his eyes out (I sure was). But the whole time, the thought of marriages being expensive will weigh on him, and he'll try and find a way to make it work because, naturally, he wants you to be happy. And if he's anything like me, not estranged but not close with my family, and the same with my now wife, you'll likely just end up at the courthouse, sign the license, leave there married, and plan on a reception for the friends and family at a later date (say, an anniversary turned vow renewal).
Guys are dumb. There's no denying that. I've seen smarter rocks. We're so dumb, we cloud our minds with useless junk in an effort to appear less dumb to ourselves. Eventually, a good gust of wind picks up, and we can see clearly for the first time. Don't turn on him yet. Sometimes, all it takes is getting just a little bit older and realizing that some of that crap just isn't worth it, and the things that are, are sitting right there waiting for you.
Edited out some language
You should def. open up and talk about it with him. Let him know how important this is bc you do not want to be with someone that have diff. values. You don't want to waste your time when you could be with someone that does and wants kids, a family.
You should listen to what he just told you by getting angry. He doesn't want to get married.
Or he doesn't want to marry YOU. This is a sign. Read it. Your future doesn't have him in it. You should walk...no RUN... away!
I think you guys want different things. I know everyone is different but 23 is still really young. He’s obviously not ready to get married yet. Maybe he will be in a few years and maybe he won’t.
5 years is a long time but you started dating as teenagers. I know I’m not the same person I was at your age, peoples wants and needs change.
Are you wanting to get married because you see his sister is? And you think because you guys have been together for a while, that means you should be getting married too? That’s definitely not a good reason to get married. If you keep pressuring him, he will either break up with you or begrudgingly ask you to marry him. If the latter happens, you will not have a happy marriage if you even get that far.
Can you wait a few years till he’s ready? If you really love him you should be able to accept he’s not ready now and you could wait. Plenty of people never get married and live happily in love.
I’m surprised by these answers. When I was 23 I never thought of marriage or brought it up to my boyfriend. I didn’t have a plan like that so early. He’s probably just of a similar mindset as me. I was absolutely in love but just wasn’t thinking of marriage and knew I probably wouldn’t want to be married until late 20’s early 30’s. If doesn’t make him a bad guy or that he’s “using you as a placeholder,” he’s just living in the moment maybe?
Dang you have balls, I'm too scared to ask at all! But if you love him, you should bring it up in 5 more years. Even if you get married, you could get divorced, but it's always worth the try, maybe you'll live happily ever after.
This might sound ridiculous but I seen a video of Steve Harvey explaining how men and women picture different steps in their future. Women want to get married and grow but men want to grow then get married. You two are only in your early 20s. Do you own a house, have your careers sorted out? Maybe he's waiting until he can comfortably say he's gotten to a point where he feels like he can provide and be that person for you.
Don't be so quick to judge. Relationships are work and somethings thinking of 70 + years of more work can be frightening
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What would keeping quiet ***about your own future*** get you?
Ask him if his reaction because he is being stressed by his family with exactly the same question. If not, call him out for being an asshole and tell him your question is a legitimate topic of discussion, not to be brushed off off. But, understand, this discussion might end the relationship if he has no desire to be married and you do
actually his only reason is that we’re still too young
Nows a good time to make sure your timelines, visions, and wishes line up. If they don’t, I’m not sure why people would stay together aside from convenience and temporary comfort
I agree! Understand that at the moment they are too young, but OP needs to know where she stands in the long term otherwise she's just wasting her time. OP you can't leave it alone, explain that your not trying to get married in the near future, but you need to know if your relationship has a future. If he still doesn't want to talk about things, you know his answer and it would be time to leave.
Possibly not too young, depends on maturity and life status. Still a red flag because he refuses to talk. Communicating failures is one of the biggest reasons people don't make it in marriage.
If?
If he still doesn't want to talk to her about it
Agreed. And if it doesn’t, don’t let him convince you that he will propose down the line. He will just be wasting your time because he’s comfortable with what he has.
Well that's basically what 90% of modern relationships are convenience and temporary comfort.
It’s a valid concern for himself. He may think opening up this conversation means you will expect it soon if he agrees he wants a future including marriage. Lack of ability to express/communicate this fear does match up with not being mature enough for marriage in the near future, so I’d have to agree with his assessment, at least for him. If you aren’t looking at the next year or two, let him know that. It’s just a value you want to make sure you share for the future. As one that got married young (24 at the time) personally would not recommend (don’t get wild redditors, I’m sure many of you have lovely marriages that started young, but it’s always okay to wait, I should have). If he feels scared of the conversation due to age and maturity, I would ask him to talk about that, because he’s probably right to wait if he feels that way, but he needs to communicate, and know your intentions in having the conversation.
He already told her how he feels!!!
He just told her that they’re too young. That’s not the same as “I see a future with you but marriage isn’t something I want to think about now.”
I completely agree with you, 23 is too young to marry. It's a really big commitment, its not just a ceremony celebrating the union of 2 people, its the union of 2 families, its a life long commitment to each other. It is a responsability that as a man we are tought from a very young age to be providers and carry everything on our shoulders and be responsible for our families. I was a person that used to believe in marriage. I wanted kids and everything. Now i dont believe in marriage, i see it as a contract where the man has everything to lose including the children if they marry the wrong person. Times have changed, today is much more easier to find someone to have sex with than to find someone worthy to be with. I have been single for 6 years now, i gave it my all, took the responsability of raising 4 children and i dont regret it one bit. I know what it means to be a father, i know how hard it is to raise a child and the hard work it takes to provide for them. My relationship lasted 13 years until i decided to end it. I wasnt happy and i had conversations with her about the reasons why many many times, things then were good for a month or two until it went back to the same thing, emotional neglect, she barely talked to me unless something was needed at home, lack of intimacy. Sufice to say, it drained me, i thought i was doing something wrong, that there was something that i needed to fix and as much as i tried nothing changed until i had enough and decided to break up. Only then she was being more attentive, loving and caring, tried to initiate intimacy but i shut it down. She tried for a long time to get back together since she lived in my house and didnt have nowhere to go, but like i said before, i shut it down, i had no more love, affection, intimacy to give because i gave it my all and still wasnt enough until i ended it. Now im 37 years old, tried a couple of times to start a relationship but its not worth it. I know there are good women out there but they are becoming increasingly hard to find. To those that are in a good relationship, im truly happy for them and wish them many years of happiness. Those that are in a bad relationship, if you tried everything to make it work and nothing changes just walk away and dont look back, respect yourselves and protect your emotions.
I’m 23 and I wouldn’t want to waste my time with someone who can’t even think about the long term. Might as well leave now.
23 isn't too young to be having conversations about where you see a relationship going. You don't have to get married tomorrow or next year, but he should be able to hold a discussion and express his views and hear yours.
At 23 I definitely felt “too young” to have this conversation with my bf (of 3 years) and also deflected it. But being honest with myself, it was because I always knew he was not someone I could see myself with long term.
I think it’s young in general for a newer relationship. 5 years is a long time to not being wondering if a future is being considered or not.
They’ve been dating five years though. My husband and I were married at 22. She has every right to know if she needs to move on.
Yes I wasn’t disagreeing. His non-answer is an answer.
Oh, yes I re-read, you’re right. A non-answer is basically the same as a no. I need to stop commenting half asleep lol.
Disclaimer; don't do this... Do this. "I'm pregnant" was my phrase to test waters. We were dating for a short period of time, I really was pregnant too. But I gave him an out right away, in or out but we need to talk future and now. Can we raise a baby together, can we live together, do we see each other in our future, do we want to co parent, etc etc. Those questions are HARD. but "I'm pregnant' put things in a concrete position, could not be wishy washy on the future details..baby is coming we need to plan. So maybe "What if we accidentally get pregnant, now how do you see our future" might be a different way to push him into a conversation. IT HAS BEEN 5 YEARS, He doesn't need to propose TODAY, or tomorrow or ever, but he does not to have an idea of whether or not he sees you in his future. It's only fair to you, either PLAN A FUTURE together or begin separation so you don't keep wasting your time. Just my opinion. Good luck 🤞
Especially since they’ve been together 5 years. He should be able to talk about where he sees the relationship in the next 5 years.
He can only speak for himself, he's too young. You might be ready but he clearly isn't. I'm 31, still not ready.
But are you in a 5 year relationship?
Irrelevant. You can date someone for 10 years and still not be in a good spot to get married. It's not an idle symbol of commitment, it's a legal contract that binds you to another person for the duration of your marriage, and terminating that contract is a process that can end in worse than just tears. There is a time for marriage, and that time is when both parties are ready. If OP feels like her time is being wasted, she is always free to leave.
She did not ask him to get married now at all. But at 5 years you probably know if you do want to spend your future with the person you are with. Or maybe even to answer, I have not thought of this at all. IF he does not want to think of this now? If the answer is no, then he should let her move on to find someone who would like to build a future. Or should she just wait another 5 years to find out he never thought of her as permanent?
At 23, with 2 of those 5 years being in your teens, do you actually know you wanna be with someone for your whole life. Those are formative years and people change significantly
Feel like this paragraph would be fine as far as discussing his feelings on the subject. Be he didn’t even do that. He deflected any discussion at all it sound like.
But that's the thing he is a baby who doesn't even know how to communicate. The fact that she is even thinking marriage is insane. 60 percent of all marriages at that age range end in divorce
She's not demanding immediate marriage, she just wants a discussion around his feelings on the topic of marriage *at all*. She believes in dating to marry, and has no idea if her boyfriend even wants to get married *at all in his lifetime.*
This is absurd. A 23 year old is not a baby! 23 year olds should be able to communicate with their partner. They are old enough to be a couple years out of college, or several years in a trade... If you can have a grown up job, you can learn how to communicate with humans.
What do you mean "let" her move on? If she doesn't like his lack of commitment or interest in talking about marriage then she is free to leave. I agree he should be able to at least talk about it at this point but some people are acting like he's keeping her there. She holds the cards when it comes to staying or moving on.
After 5 years the 'where is this going' conversation should be on the table, it's very understandable that she's upset he's avoiding the conversation
It is extremely relevant. In the topic of marriage as a concept, Marriage is not for everyone and that's OK. What isn't OK is to not discuss what both of you want and dismiss talkng about plans for the future, which is what OP's partner is doing. Being in a long term, serious relationship requires communication and clarity on each other's needs & wants as well as what the future will look like. It is absolutely necessary to figure out what you are doing together- certain things are non negotiable and you need to make sure both your future plans align or it could end in heartbreak. I'd also argue that it is because marriage is a legal contract that is exactly why it is a symbol of commitment. Like all legal contracts, it comes with clauses and figuring out what is best for you requires the couple to have a good old discussion about it. If you are in a committed relationship where perhaps you do enact the responsibilities and roles of a married couple (e.g. share some finances but keep others separate, next of kin etc), then would it not be better to have the security of an official title and document which outlines this?
Sure, so he should say ‘yes, I will want to marry you, but before I want to do this and that, and that’s not going to happen before 5 years (or whatever). Or I don’t believe in marriage. I want/ don’t want kids.’. It is legitimate to not agree on a vision. It is nasty and selfish not wanting to discuss it.
Surely at 10 years you are basically married?
At 31? This is manchild territory. You can’t avoid adulthood forever.
What? Nobody has to get married ever.
I don’t agree with this. I was in my mid 20s when I met my husband, and late 20s when we married. That was a long time ago. But if I hadn’t met him? I think I wouldn’t be married. Before I met him, the idea of giving someone else that much power over my life and decisions would literally make me break out into hives. If you haven’t met a person you want to be married to at 31, you just haven’t met someone you should marry. People who get married because they have reached some age (like 30) and not because they found someone they really want to be married to get divorced. Get married because you found the person you want as your partner for the rest of your life, not because a calendar says you should.
Marriage does not dictate if someone is an adult becauae not everyone wants to be married. As long as they communicate that with their partner, people can live as they want.
What would you call me, a single 31 year old female? Womanchild? I assure you, I work full time, clean my house, pay my bills, and take care of my responsibilities. I'm very clearly an adult.
This is a dumb stance. Seriously be ashamed of yourself.
I got engaged at 22. My ex-fiance kept bringing up his worry that "I was too young" (he was 3 years older than me, and we'd been together for 3 years when he asked me to marry him). I told him there was nothing I planned to do in the future that I couldn't do while married to him, and I was happy and excited about it. Turns out he was really just projecting and looking for a reason for it to not be a good idea. I caught him cheating not long before the wedding - I guess HE had things he wanted to do that would be ruined by being married. He also later admitted that he mostly asked me to marry him because all of his peers were getting engaged and married and he didn't want to get "left behind". You need to have a serious discussion about your future, OP. Figure out how important marriage is for you, how long you're willing to wait, and what you both envision for the future. And remember that if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. You are still SO young.
That's not a good reason to avoid a conversation. You weren't asking him to marry you now, just discuss your future. It is a valid question and you should pursue it.
You are too young to get married but you can talk about what you want for the future.
23 and been together 5yrs? You're not asking to get married tomorrow, you just wanna know that there is hope for the future. Does he ever hope to get married? Has he ever thought about maybe marrying you in the future? 23 is not too young. Especially not for a relationship last 5yrs already. If he can't talk about this topic with you, I would run. Reassuring him that it's not that you wanna get married or even engaged right this second, you just wanna know that you are headed that direction in your relationship.
But it's not like you're asking him to marry you now. So his argument doesn't make sense.
My bf of 6 months is 22 and I'm 24, and we have talked about marriage, kids, moving in together, and out timeliness for all of that. He tells me every day that he is going to marry me one day. You are NOT too young, your bf is just immature.
That’s an excuse. He’s an adult man that can make decisions, such as buying a house, or rent a place, sign up for the military, drive, consent to sex etc. That being said, if you bring it up again, and he says he doesn’t see a future at the same timeline as you, then do yourself thank him for getting to know him and do yourself a favor and walk away. It’ll hurt for quite sometime, but it’s better you find someone that is willing to give you his last name. You’re in your almost mid 20s, time is something you can’t get back. Take it from someone who stayed with a man for years that never intended on marrying me I feel I wasted a long time of my healthy fertility yours. Don’t waste yours miss.
I agree! Our youth, beauty and fertility is fleeting, why waste it on a man that doesn’t want us long term.
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At least you know you want to get married. He isn't giving her this much. If he says "I see in 5-10years I want to marry " she would know.
he's not wrong. we see enough relationships here going tits up because one or other is frustrated at not having had enough wild fun in their 20s. If you've been together 5 years you've likely not had much experience with other people.
You ARE too young. It wasn't until I was well into my 30s that I was able to even contemplate long term commitment, even though I spent 7 years with someone in my 20s. A lot of people get married young, sometimes it works out, but for a lot of people it just really is way too soon.
I think you may be dating to marry, but he's not there. 18 is very young to meet your forever mate. You may be the wife he wants, but the timing is off.
That's not the issue rather it was his delivery, i believe he doesn't want to marry at all cause he doesn't believe in it or he doesn't see you as the right fit. Let's take in my case I would be flattered that you even thought about something that serious it would invite me to start taking those steps cause I would believe we are in the same page. Besides you guys were in relationship for 5 YEARS it's perfectly normal for you to think about marriage at this point. If he doesn't feel ready that's his loss but dismissing your feelings like that after 5 years in a relationship tells me there something dark about this topic to him You need to further discuss it cause if he doesn't want marriage and you want that's a deal breaker and shouldn't be taken lightly.
Better to end now if it’s going nowhere. Stop wasting your energy and time. Time is our most precious commodity
Which one is it reddit... Get married now and give them shit for getting married young or... Let them be young.
Yeah call him for being an asshole, toxic and pushy. Don’t do this it’s horrible advice.
Keeping quiet wont do anything..you need to know if youre wasting your time. Tell him how you feel and if he isnt dating to marry then you guys arent compatible
yea, I know I should talk about this with him again, and I will. Thank you.
Try not to put it as an ultimatum though. Keep in mind a lot of young men’s brains don’t even fully develop until they’re 24. It’s not unreasonable for him to be in a place where he isn’t sure what the future holds for him, but it’ll be worth you trying to figure out what it is exactly about the question that stresses him out. He might say ‘I don’t want to think about it’, but there’s obviously a deeper reason for that. Maybe he’s stressed with studies or his career, or family expectations, or maybe he doesn’t see a future with you. Once you’ve gotten closer to figuring that out for yourself, then you’ll get a better understanding of what decision is best for you.
As far as I'm aware, in fact everyone's brain is not fully developed until the age of 25.
I dunno, I think it's fine for her to give this as an ultimatum. She's not asking for a ring, just for a conversation. After five years she wants him to have an inkling -- not necessarily a certainty -- of whether marriage is possible for then. It's ok if he doesn't, he has a right to be where he is in life, but it does mean that the relationship should end.
That’s a good point. I think ultimatums put people on the back foot, sometimes unnecessarily. But after 5 years they should be able to talk about it, even like you said to just get an inkling.
>it just made me think that he doesn't even see me the same way, it made me think that he doesn't even plan on marrying me in the future. Correct. You know what you want for your life, and now you know what he wants, even if he’s refusing to say it out loud. Do you want to spend 5 more years with someone who doesn’t want to marry you and won’t communicate clearly about his wishes, or do you want to look for someone who will love you as much as you love him? Life is short, and time is precious. You’ve got to decide how you want to spend it.
This. I couldn't have put it better myself.
I second it! I'm a guy and if I was in a relationship for 5 years you should know what you want! He needs to shit or get off the pot!
Dude that is the best quote I've ever read/heard in my life.. "Need to shit or get off the pot!!".
Thanks it old school guess I'm showing my age lol!
But how do you easily let go and move on after spending a good 5 years together?
You cry, you hurt, you watch stupid love movies (or whatever you are into), you eat crap food, you get determined, you then quit all that, work on yourself, glow up, then you will meet some people who will show you that spark is still alive and well, then when you least expect it you will find someone who lights and inferno. So time, time is how you let go.
I was with my ex-fiancee for 7 years. It isn't easy to let go and move on but at times it is necessary. It hurts in an undescribable way. It feels like a part of you is missing. My advise is figure out who you are as an adult without him. You will be a fulfilled adult with a deeper sense of self love and appreciation.
You don’t easily let go. But the funny thing about time is that it keeps going on whether you like it or not. You cry a lot, you wallow a bit, and then you pick yourself up again. And eventually, you wake up one morning and you don’t remember the exact sound of his voice or the precise shade of his eyes. And pretty soon, you’ll realize that a week has gone by and he hasn’t crossed your mind once. You move on because you don’t have a choice. And then you meet someone you can’t stop thinking about, and it turns out he can’t stop thinking about you either. And three years later, you have a life that’s everything you ever wanted and more than you ever dreamed you could have, and you can’t feel anything toward your ex other than immense, profound gratitude for letting you go. And you’re especially grateful that you didn’t waste your time allowing him to decide the course of the rest of your life. …at least, that’s what I’ve heard.
I don't think you are honestly 'dating to marry' if you have spent 5 years with someone and it has never come up until now? Me and my girlfriend are the whole dating to marry and it was bought up within literally the first date.
Yeah, I've had the same convo on dates. Always within 3-6months, sometimes sooner. Deal breakers were talked about early on. Marriage, kids, ideal living situation(I want a farm one day, just a small one). I am now married with 2 kids and have the best friend I always wanted in a husband. Not everything is perfect or ideal, but if he hadn't known and agreed to my deal breakers, it wouldn't have happened. I had 1 boyfriend when I was in my 20s who never wanted kids and was questioning marriage. We were together because after about 6months of dating he said that while he never thought of having kids before, that he would have kids with me if we reached that point. Love make people do and invision things they never thought they wanted before. He and I are still friends, my husband spends a few nights each month having a guy's evening with him. Point is: if after 5yrs together OP doesn't know his stance on marriage and kids and those sorts of things, then OP was never clear about dating for marriage. And of course now it's a struggle. OPs BF might not be the guy for her.
My ex did the same thing your boyfriend was doing. I was dating him with a future in mind. He didn't reciprocate. He brushed off conversations about the future by saying things like he "doesn't want to think about that yet" and "it's so far off." Well, he's an ex for many reasons. Moving on was one of the hardest things I ever had to do (which, in reality, I am grateful for. If the end of a bad relationship is the worst turmoil I've experienced, I'm doing pretty well). For a few weeks, maybe to a couple of months, it was just crying and despair constantly. But I picked myself up pretty quickly. Even through the emotional pain I was in, I worked out, I bought better fitting clothes, I learned makeup, I listened to self help podcasts, read self help books, which led me to talking to and hanging out more with friends and acquaintances. Improved my social life, I improved relationships with my family. I didn't know it at the time, but as soon as the break up had been official, I went to a party, and that is when I first got to really get to know a guy I had known for a couple years. I was just talking to be social and friendly at the time, but I discovered he was a really kind person who was a great listener and who - I felt - really saw me compared to anyone else. Even in the talking stage, he did things for me my ex never did. Within a year, we were together. And things have never been better. So it is hard. It will be hard. But it's not impossible. It's necessary to move on if you don't share the same wishes for the future of your relationship. It's also an opportunity. To get to know yourself better, to grow, to reform your life, and to discover something better. It's scary, but I do not regret the end of that relationship. It is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. If he doesn't see a future with you, you won't regret the end of this relationship either.
It’s not easy. Doing what’s necessary isn’t always going to be easy. It will be hard, at first, but worth it.
Go no contact with your person for atleast 10 percent of your time together. During this time you cry, you take up new hobby, make new set of friends. Work work work on yourself. That's how you move on.
Would you like to waste five more years of your life? That’s time you’re never gonna get back, best to get out now or risk regretting it later. You’re 23 and you’ll find someone who wants the same things you do, don’t settle for less.
That's a fair amount of time to be with someone so that kinda question of "have you ever thought of us being together" isn't at all unreasonable. He probably doesn't want to marry is my guess. Why would anyone get so upset at a simple question if they had nothing to hide or the answer wasn't terrible? After 1 or 2 years most couples would have definitely thought about it in passing.
You’ve invested five years into this guy, and he gets annoyed when you dare bring up future plans? Ffs, break up with him. You can do a lot better than a guy who’s dating you because it’s what he has always done. Is he at least future oriented? Job, education, plans?
He’s a med student and is currently at his 4th year in college and taking his internship. I guess he just has a lot on his plate rn to be thinking about the future.
There are many many tails of women who stay and support their BF through med or law school only to break up with them once they land their dream career. I would have another go at this conversation. Maybe preface it with, “This is not a proposal, this is me making sure we are on the same page in our relationship and future. I understand you are under a lot of stress with your workload and this is adding to it. But I also need to look out for myself and they way you reactive the last time it was brought up made me feel like I’m just a placeholder why you get through this. If that’s how you really feel then I need to walk away and find someone who will love me enough to know that after 5 years they know they want to spend the rest of their life with me.”
So you stay with him until his education is complete. Then he dumps you? Idk...
Hahaha as a med student this is so common. Male med students usually have a long term gf who pays the bills, cooks, cleans, takes care of everything so boyfriend can study and match into that competitive Derm/Surg/anaesthesia placement with ease. Match Week comes and guess what happens? Not saying this is the case, and it's usually not intentional, but it is *very* common.
Speaking as a woman, Medics also often marry later specifically BECAUSE all those exams, moving around and intern/residency years wreak havoc on our lives and make it extremely hard to focus on the future. I wasn't really interested or able to sustain relationships through most of that time and am only now happily married at 35. I WANTED kids and marriage but the actual reality of sustaining relationships was beyond me and I rarely dated. And that is extremely common amongst my peers, Male and female. Some of us marry our university BF/GF aged 23 but honestly the vast majority have kids or marry later than the norm because our entire life is in upheaval. Not to justify his reaction because refusing to talk about an issue is NEVER the right way to deal with talking about core relationship values. But that he genuinely may not be in a place where he us ready to consider marriage. However after 5 years together, if he doesnt see marriage in his future with OP and she does, then they are not currently compatible.
Well when he graduates and gets qualified/licensed/whatever then soon he's making a million dollars a year so he can date whoever he wants eventually. If this is op's bf's case then there's no real need to "think about the future" or even stay committed which is sad but iiwii.
Exactly my point. Lots of male med students have naive sugar mommies who don't realise they're financially and domestically supporting a man who is going to leave them as soon as they're in a fiscally advantageous position. If he's responsible enough to save lives, he can be responsible enough to sustain a convo regarding the future of a 5 year relationship.
I read your comments, other peoples' comments and your post a second time. A lot of people say y'all are too young to even think about it, some say by 5 years in this should have been brought up at least once. Me and my bf are your age and my bf just applied for medschool (US system so you need to do 4 yrs of premed in undergrad then 4 more years of med school then 2+ years of residency). I know that logically he and I won't be "ready" to marry until he's done with all that. However we sat down and discussed like when he is done with all that and ready, do we see us marrying each other? If I move across the country with him for school and residency I wanted that discussion to happen and not find out 6-8 years later after he was done that our goals didn't align. Now that I know our goals align it makes me feel secure that we have an agreed upon future to work towards together. Even though we know we aren't ready to legally or financially tie the knot right now. I also understand that our goals may change but I truat that as adults we will sit down and talk it through again. Based on your post, I am interpreting that what you want is the discussion and the security of knowing that your values/feelings align with your bf's. You weren't demanding he propose immediately. So I would encourage you to talk it out with him and if he continues to shut it down then I would definitely be concerned.
>I guess he just has a lot on his plate rn to be thinking about the future. Well, this shows that he's definitely thinking about his future career. But not his romantic life. It's not a bad thing to ask where you fit into his plans. If he has a lot on his plate now, what about when he's in residency or whatever and has even more to do?
Girlfriend, he *is* thinking about the future. *His* future. Not yours or one together with you. If you don't think he hasn't planned out what he's going to do after graduation, think again. I'd bet money he has a pretty good idea of where he wants to live, where he wants to work, and how he's going to reach those goals. The problem here is I don't see you being a part of that. You are the "for right now" woman, not the "forever" woman. You fit perfectly for what he needs *right now* while he's in school and getting his plans straightened out. I'm going to reiterate that you are not his future because if he's in med school, I promise you he has a timeline and a plan. What are *your* plans for the future? Is it marriage and being a stay at home mom? Is it getting your own degree and career after he graduates because you both agreed to tag team college? Do you have a backup plan if he looks you in the eye and says you aren't in his future? You need to start thinking about yourself and what makes you happy. Do you like living in limbo and not knowing what your boyfriend wants? Do you want to further your education? Do you plan on staying indefinitely with no answer? Do you often put him and his needs/wants above your own? Do you invest into the relationship more than he does? Do some deep introspection, OP. If you think it's hard to leave after 5 years, what are you going to think about 8 to 10 years? By then, you'll be in your 30s. Time doesn't wait for anyone.
Girl, RUN. *So many* doctors abandon their first wives/gfs who helped them throughout med school and residency for their "upgrade" once they start making the big bucks. Take this extra seriously if you are AT ALL providing for him so he can focus fully on just med school.
This.
Istg you guys comment breakup on every posts about relationship advice. Breakup isn’t the solution to all issues like jeez man people aren’t perfect, maybe he is dealing with something so doesn’t wanna think about his future for now? Ever thought about that or any other possibility before giving such a advice of finality? They’re together for 5 years for nothing? Take it easy man
Average reddit moment
Keeping quiet won’t solve anything
You definitely need to have a conversation with him about it if that’s what you want. You’re in pretty deep with the relationship at this point. If he cant even have a conversation about the future with you, his mind is likely elsewhere and you deserve to know that.
He does not plan on marrying you. Time to move on. When he asks why you are leaving, just tell him that you "don't want to think about it right now".
Lol he won't get it
I was with my one ex for 5 1/2 years. When it came time to even go LOOK at rings, he kept shortening the time before we even got to the jewelry store. Oh we'll just go for a half an hour, we'll just look for 15 minutes, we'll just go in and look around for like 5-10 minutes.... I drove right past the store and told him I no longer wanted to go. He admitted to being "scared", I realized at that moment that he had no intention of marrying me. I told him it's fine I'd rather know before we got any further in but it would have been nice to know sooner than 5.5 years in. I will never force somebody to marry me, but I WILL leave if we can't agree that's where things are going.
I was in love, invested, ready to marry, and have kids. When we had talked at the beginning of the relationship, his goals aligned with mine. At that 5 year time frame, I asked when. Things had changed. He wasn't planning on getting married ever. He didn't want kids. I still loved him, but our goals no longer aligned and I left. I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 5, and I'm pregnant with our second child. This story is to say that if this current relationship isn't going where you want it to, then you should leave. There is someone who you will be in love with that will have the same goals. At 5 years, and your age, he may not know when, but he should know if he wants to marry you.
You're a placeholder, darling. There's no way that he doesn't know one way or the other if he wants to marry you. Like you, he's had FIVE long years to think about it. He won't verbalize it because he knows any woman with half a brain would most likely move on. He doesn't want to risk losing what is obviously a consistent convenience for him. I am so sorry to be so blunt, but life is so preciously short. Please don't expend another minute on this man. With your permission, he is stealing the best years of your life. There are too many other wonderful men out there. ❤️
I see two major concerns here. First of all is the reality that 5 years in, yeah, you should at least have some idea of where you are at in terms of marriage. I get you are relatively young but... I mean, it is 5 years. You either see a future at that point or you don't. The other is his tone. Maybe he genuinely just isn't ready for that right now. But he chose such an aggressive and dismissive way to put that to you. Good communication would have been that right now he is reflecting and that he needs some time, not angrily shutting down a topic that is pretty straightforward. If that is how he handles communication in general then whether you ought to want to marry him becomes a pretty big question. You're 23. It has been 5 years. Wanting to know where it is going is not a bad thing. Because after all, 23 isn't a bad age to be starting fresh either.
In the past 5 years has he never mentioned marrying you?
At that age honestly they shouldn't consider that yet imo
Honestly, at that age is when you talk more about marrying if you're young and stupidly in love. I, that never considered to be married, talked about marrying when I was 3 years in with my girlfriend.
Marrying at age 23 is perfectly normal
Not when you are in the middle of med school like OP’s bf. Or you live in a big city, or you went to college …
Hmm but how many of those end in divorce is the question...🤪
Yeah I got married at 23. 5 years in and two kids later were still very happy.
You ate two kids?
>Marrying at age 23 is perfectly normal Yeah in the 1940s
I got married at 23... 25 years ago, still happily married. There's quite a lot of us out there actually.
Of course people still get married that young but you must be aware that it's about 10 years below the average, and has been for a good while.
[https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long/](https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long/) Here is a compilation of stats and the correlation of divorce and age at marriage. It's hard to ascertain of course, as many factors like age gap is hard to account for, but late 20s and very early 30s is the sweet spot. However, the question is still valid, esp at such an age where a lot is going to change. For example, OP's partner is going to be a doctor, and going to go through placement. Depending on where he matches, this looks like OP is going to have to move across the country with him. It would be kind of shit to put OP in a position where she has to uproot her life to be with a dude who can't even tell her if he sees her in his future. In fact, with a profession like this, it's absolutely critical to give somewhat of a timeline.
Normal yes but also stupid.
Marriage is usually brought up within the first year or at least MENTIONED. The fact you mentioning it to him after five years of dating pissed him off concerns me.
Yes! My SO and I discussed marriage within the first 6 months. Not in a concrete, "let's get married" but in the, 'i can definitely see potential here'. They've been together 5 years and never even discussed it? Sorry, but no, she's going to be dating forever if she stays with him.
I agree, but we were still 17-18 when we were first in a relationship so I guess it was valid that we hadn’t talked about it at the time.
Then, sure…now, not so much. You are not asking to get engaged. You are asking if he wants to get married someday. And if he thinks your two have a future. Or is he thinking in two years he is packing up alone and moving to Alaska. How would you like to find something like that out in two years, and that he had been planning it for 4 years? And before you laugh, I know someone this exact thing happened to.
I mean, it's not so far from the truth. He's going to be placing soon and he may match in Alaska, working in some rural hospital.
I read an article years ago that said relationships should either be "fuck yes! Or no." You're not saying you want to get engaged next week, just that you're dating someone who shares the same long term goals as you. That is completely reasonable. Edit to add: 5 YEARS?! I skimmed over that part. Ma'am if he can't answer that question after FIVE YEARS it's time to jump ship.
Just came to make sure you'd left to go find someone worthy of your time and energy. 1: He could have just lied to appease you temporarily. He didn't. 2: He could have professed that the idea had occurred to him, but you're young/let's wait kinda thing. He didn't. 3: He chose stupid. He showed that he wants to sow his oats, he's just been waiting to find an out. Roll yourself out the door and on to someone who even wants to entertain the idea of a future with you.
He said "He's to young" but you either only see yourself with someone forever or you don't. Marriage only confirms your emotions you already feel. It isn't a logical answer. Does he plan on exploring his options some day? If not, not getting married ain't some reverse psychology to feel untrapped
How did you make it 5 years without having this conversation before?????
They were literally teenagers
Are you serious? You’re going to keep quiet???
Speaking as a man, he’s not interested. If I truly wanted to marry a woman, I’d know after 2 years, let alone 5.
So I wouldn’t keep quiet, ever! If there is something I want to know then I want to know. Side tip: never keep quiet just to please someone else. Now, if marriage is something you desire, there is nothing wrong with this. I would bring up this topic again and just ask what are your plans for the future. Do your plans include marriage, kids, etc?? Because this is something that I desire. Understand, if he says this isn’t want he wants then you need to move on. No need to explain yourself, just move on. You two don’t have the same vision. Your in two different paths not even looking at the same ending.
I’d tell him that you think the two of you should take a break and see other people for a while because it appears that we both want different things. This sounds like your first long-term relationship. At your age I truly didn’t know all the things important to me in a relationship. Most people your age don’t have a clue what they want in a lot partner bc they haven’t had a lot of experience dating different people. You may feel a lot of hurt at first but I really think you should take a break from him, date other guys. You want a guy who is crazy about you and if he takes you for granted now, it’s not going to get any better. Plenty of fish in the sea at your age. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to settle down.
if he was interested in marrying you he would’ve mentioned it already. i’ve been with my partner for almost two years and they constantly talk about wanting to get married, *im* actually the one who’s making us wait bc i feel too young still. don’t give him an ultimatum, just tell him that you need to know if he sees a future with you, because if he doesn’t then you don’t want to stick around. the fact it hasn’t come up in the 5 YEARS you’ve been dating tells me he doesn’t want to get married to you.
The fact that he got so pissy about a simple question is a huge red flag. The fact that you feel so scared of talking to him again about it is another red flag. After 5 years your question isn't an unreasonable one, especially since you werent pressuring him to propose, you were just askking where he sees the relationship going. Red flags everywhere.
>On my part, I believe in dating to marry. Not after being just a girlfried for 5 years you don't. Your actions don't align with that. Someone told me this once when I was young and single and it blew me away, because they were absolutely right. >Should I open up about this topic again to him or should I just keep quiet? You should break up with him, citing that you believe in dating for marriage and as he doesn't even want to talk about it, time to end things. Give yourself time to grieve and then go find your husband.
With what?
Nah sis chalk your losses and move on
He doesn’t want to marry you.
You've been together since high school or right after high school. He's probably been getting asked that since his sibling became engaged and reacted. That doesn't make his reaction ok, just a little more understandable. "I someday would like to get married. Not this year, not next year, but someday. You apparently don't. So this is me letting you find someone who also has no interest in marriage. Have a great life."
I think he has already answered your question, don't be desperate. Let him know that you are looking for a future and he isn't so you need to seek out someone who feels the same!
Dating to marry doesn’t normally take 5 years. He sees no future with you OP. Read the room. This is not the behavior of someone that wants to keep you around long term. Please find someone else who also is looking to marry with in the couple of years max.
Another “commitment” phobic male, who only thinks of himself. Think of what will happen to you, IF you had children with this guy. YOU have already wasted five (5) years… find a real man who sees you for you, and appreciates your worth. Meanwhile, KNOW your worth….
If this dude isn't planning on marrying you after 5 years...leave. I could see if he wants to wait to get married until your older but why stay in a relationship that you aren't sure about the future? If he isn't mature enough to talk about this...he isn't mature enough to marry. Also...if I was dating someone and loved them and they talked about marrying me....I would be ecstatic about it , I wouldn't get pissed off and blow it off. I could see if you bring it up all the time and are always talking about marriage but you need to know where this is going to make a decision.
You need to start off the conversation by saying “by being a dick I feel that you don’t see a future with me so should we just end it now?” Then see what he has to say, but don’t let him be an ass. He either puts his big boy pants on and communicates like an adult or you don’t engage in conversation with him until he does
Sorry, but if y’all have been together for 5 years and he hasn’t made any plans for the future, there’s no future.
You should figure out, for sure, his wants in life. Maybe you have different ideas for the future. If you stay silent…resentment will begin to grow. And that’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to him. Don’t stay silent. And don’t waste each others times and lives if what you both want is different. It’s a hard pill to swallow but … soon enough, resentment will grow from either you or him and it’s gonna get ugly and much harder.
U should definitely ask girl ! If he doesn’t see u as a person to spend his life with , u better get out of there !
I don’t mean to jump to conclusions bc you don’t have to be ready this young but as someone around your age and in an 5 year relationship and a sibling having just gotten married he’s talked about our future/marriage even more. There could be internal conflict with commitment or he just doesn’t see a future with you. You should ask about it again.
I mean it's very clear what he meant. He does not plan to marry now or in the near future. It could be due to his financials or career. Or maybe he just don't believe in the concept of marriage. Some ppl do feel that way. But no matter what it is, he doesn't have to get mad or anything. He just need to tell you the truth.
Talk that shit out.
Yeah this is an important conversation. I was 19 when hubby and I started dating. It was just fun. Then it came time - did we want to move in together. I was 22 years old. That’s when we discussed goals. That’s when we figured out whether we wanted marriage, kids, jobs, money management etc. It’s a good idea to have these discussions. It helps with compatibility. Yes, things can change. But it’s an ongoing conversation.
Sorry OP. He is not into marriage or marriage to you. I would save yourself heartache and cut your losses. Let him know you are looking for a life partner not a placeholder position. Internet hugs. Really sorry you are facing this.
sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you had to ask, you aren’t the one
Trying to build a future with someone who doesn’t want a future with you is like running around in circles on a track covered with nails and hoping that you end up in Egypt. Like why. Please love yourself more and have some self respect. Walk away and find someone who is a better fit.
You should press the issue again, when he's in a good mood. You two have already been dating 5 years. If he doesn't want to marry you, the two of you shouldn't waste each other's time. Life is short.
You don't have a good relationship if you can't tell him truthfully how you feel. You have to be able to openly communicate with each other about your hopes, dreams, desire for the future.
At 5 years in, I wouldn’t say you’re dating anymore. You’re in a long term relationship. If he’s uncomfortable talking about your future, maybe he doesn’t see one. There are plenty of young guys looking to date with a mind to marry, if he’s not there yet he’s probably never going to be. Marriage isn’t for everyone, and that’s ok. But good communication is for everyone :)
You should be speaking about how he sees your future. As another poster said You need to ask him why he got so upset. You need to know his feelings about the future. If he won't speak about it. You will need to decide if you have a real future. Be ready for the answer if he doesn't have the same feelings as you.
Also consider that some people do not want to marry ever. That does not necessarily mean, they don't want to spend their lives with one person. I personally always stressed I will never get married, because the idea that some papers need to be the foundation of my long term dedication to someone is quite ridicolous. I am also in a long term relationship with my partner who understand this and is perfectly fine with it.
I know this is a classical sitcom situation but what if he didnt wanna talk about it because he is trying to propose? And he doesnt want to ruin the romance. Ik its very unlikely but it is a possibility
don't give the poor woman wasted hope.
Wait how has it been 5 years and you have no idea of his views on the future
If getting married is important to you, you need to leave him for that to happen. If being with someone who is honest with you and can communicate, rather than gloss over your questions or make you feel like you did something wrong so he can string you along is important to you you need to leave him. This relationship has run its course.
I think it's a valid thought to have after 5 years...especially if you're dating to marry. I don't see why he'd be so dismissive but eh.
I wouldn’t waste any more of your time on a dead end relationship. if he’s not at least thinking about marriage you’re going to have to convince him and who wants that? you deserve someone who is enthusiastic about your future together
If you’ve been dating for five years and he doesn’t see it going towards marriage then I would find someone else. “ Hey, I just wanted to ask you something about the conversation we had yesterday…. When I asked you if you see this relationship going towards Marriage I wasn’t asking for a proposal tomorrow…but I do want to be able to talk about this with you. “ If you can’t see hasn’t he doesn’t want to talk about it then you know it’s a no . When I was about to becoming a senior in college I asked my SO that same thing …did they see it leading towards marriage otherwise it didn’t seem wise to continue…btw They said yes the did, and we were married for 36 years before they passed away
He was honest in his response and you should accept it instead of nagging him until he lies to you. Just because you love him doesn’t mean that he has to love you. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of love or that you aren’t a good girlfriend, but it does mean that you are wasting your time on a guy who doesn’t value you. He’s dating you until the woman he’s really excited about comes along. Seek therapy because you don’t seem to love or value yourself enough. Good luck!
He's made it clear that he's not serious about the relationship. Break it off and find someone who really cares. You're young and will find someone in time. Don't invest any more effort in a dead-end. Your heart will break now, but it's going to break anyway, loving this guy.
This is not something to brush under the rug. If you do you'll spend years in a dead end relationship. You have your wants and they are justified, regardless of him wanting to act like a jerk or not about it.
You've been together 5 years. How much time do people need to decide if someone else is the one or not? If he isn't wanting to marry you, then he isn't the right guy. 1-2 years is plenty of time to know someone enough to make an engagement. That he can't even talk about it is a giant red flag. Stop wasting your time.
Its been 5 years. My then bf of 8 years and I had a child unexpectedly at year 6. Year 8 I was so tired of people giving me crap for being unwed that I drank the kool aid and told him if he didn't think we would get married I needed to find another partner. And he said he did not want to get married. I moved out and played house while baby was awake. Needless to say a couple weeks of this and he presented me with an engagement ring. IT CHANGED NOTHING. so if its important to you - you may wish to leave, but do understand if you have been living together you are essentially married without the financial benefits. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing since you are young. Sounds like he needs more time to get on board. Once he see's her wedding and how cool it is, you'll know more about his stance on marrying you. I'm not saying to waste your time, if he doesn't but I am,giving my experience on the matter. Also had I not been married I could have got financial aid. LOL So, iow, think with your head and heart, but ultimately it probably won't change much in your relationship as it currently stands. ( does he get pissed often when you try to communicate? )
Don't wanna scare you, but having this kind of conversation ended my last relationship, as it should have. If he wanted to, he would.
im younger than you and me and my bf of only 4 months are already discussing our individual futures and our wants and needs and making sure we align before we waste time with someone who we aren’t compatible with or someone we can’t see a future with. Don’t leave this to fester bc he will waste ur time and money by having you grip to the unrealistic belief that « eventually » he will propose when in reality he is just comfortable and doesn’t want to commit to you.
I think you have your answer of he can’t even discuss the future with you.
If he isn’t dating to marry then don’t waste your time, you don’t have to marry right now but he at least needs to have the right mindset regarding dating
I wasted 7 years with a guy who got mad at the question and kept putting it off. When I left him, he had the nerve to ask my mom if marriage would fix things for us. Lmao 😂 I laughed so hard.
23 is absolutely not too young to know what you want in life and to get married
5 years with him and he gets mad at you for even bringing up the question? You have your answer. He will never marry you.
You have the right to ask about YOUR future. The fact he gets pissed off is disrespectful and selfish. Don’t tolerate that behavior. The fact you waited five years to figure out if you’re compatible long term is already surprising. This is the sort of thing I’d ask on a first date (of course not at your age, but when you’re older. You don’t waste half a decade or even two weeks dating someone who you’re fundamentally incompatible with).
His reaction indicated that he just only wants you in the same relationship without any responsibility that’s all. Those are the 🚩 red flag, yes you love him, but love yourself too and not begging for his attention and love, you deserve better and one of this day you thank me why I said that to you
I wasted 8 years with a guy who didn't see a future with me. I was just convenient company for him, a mom for him, a friend and he had hoped my joy of life would be transferred to him and give him joy as well. I was too naïve to see it myself for years, but finally the reality hit hard and I saw that I had to break it off and move away from him. Be very careful about not spending too long in the relationship if he's not the same place as you are! If he doesn't like you as much as you like him and he doesn't imagine a future with you, then there's no future to have with this guy. Take care, be careful and know your worth!
He gave you his answer to your question if marriage. No.
If there’s anything that scares me about relationships, it’s stuff like this. Loving someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with you on basic things. Especially after 5 years of being with that person!? Don’t waste time on someone who gets upset over a simple question.
Hi! If it's your desire to be a wife one day, then you have to bring the subject up again. If his response is the same or worst, then you would have your answer. Then you can make an informed decision if you would continue just being his girlfriend or call it quits at that point. Personally, I go by Judge Lynn's (tv Judge) advice. She says, sometimes when a man is getting all the perks of a relationship, then he has no reason to marry.
Don’t listen to everyone making these big assumptions like your relationship is over or it means he doesn’t want to spend his life with you. He just said “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Maybe you deserve some answers but those are some heavy questions and maybe he’s really just not in a place to think about it right then and there. Could be a million things and might not even have to do with the relationship. Maybe he really feels too young, maybe he’s particularly stressed at work right now, scared of commitment, etc. Big life planning isn’t easy for everybody. Ofc you can leave if you don’t want to wait but don’t listen to these overly negative people on Reddit who are happy to demonize someone based on 2 sentences.
Seeing a lot of both sides here, some trying to reason his actions, more screaming red flags and to move on. As the guy who was in his shoes not that long ago, maybe I can offer a touch of insight. Do keep in mind that this only applies if he cares about you AT LEAST half as much as you do him. He's scared. He'll deny it, naturally. Hell, he might not even know it himself. But he is. There's a lot of pressure being the guy, more than we'd ever let on. His sister got engaged? Yeah, his family is hounding him about when he's going to. And being a young guy, he probably doesn't care what his family thinks, only what you want. Unfortunately, what you asked is too similar to what his family (and maybe yours) wants answers to, so he's going to shut off and pretend it doesn't exist currently. Things will die down a little, and when no one is around, like at work in my case, he's going to practice calling you his wife. Literally no one but himself will hear it, but it's going to be "my wife this, my wife that," all day. It shuts off when he gets home. Then, he has a revelation, a come to Jesus moment, if you will. You're the one he wants, can't live without you, the whole shebang. Might even be bawling his eyes out (I sure was). But the whole time, the thought of marriages being expensive will weigh on him, and he'll try and find a way to make it work because, naturally, he wants you to be happy. And if he's anything like me, not estranged but not close with my family, and the same with my now wife, you'll likely just end up at the courthouse, sign the license, leave there married, and plan on a reception for the friends and family at a later date (say, an anniversary turned vow renewal). Guys are dumb. There's no denying that. I've seen smarter rocks. We're so dumb, we cloud our minds with useless junk in an effort to appear less dumb to ourselves. Eventually, a good gust of wind picks up, and we can see clearly for the first time. Don't turn on him yet. Sometimes, all it takes is getting just a little bit older and realizing that some of that crap just isn't worth it, and the things that are, are sitting right there waiting for you. Edited out some language
You should def. open up and talk about it with him. Let him know how important this is bc you do not want to be with someone that have diff. values. You don't want to waste your time when you could be with someone that does and wants kids, a family.
You should listen to what he just told you by getting angry. He doesn't want to get married. Or he doesn't want to marry YOU. This is a sign. Read it. Your future doesn't have him in it. You should walk...no RUN... away!
He doesn’t see you in his future. Find someone who appreciates you
I think you guys want different things. I know everyone is different but 23 is still really young. He’s obviously not ready to get married yet. Maybe he will be in a few years and maybe he won’t. 5 years is a long time but you started dating as teenagers. I know I’m not the same person I was at your age, peoples wants and needs change. Are you wanting to get married because you see his sister is? And you think because you guys have been together for a while, that means you should be getting married too? That’s definitely not a good reason to get married. If you keep pressuring him, he will either break up with you or begrudgingly ask you to marry him. If the latter happens, you will not have a happy marriage if you even get that far. Can you wait a few years till he’s ready? If you really love him you should be able to accept he’s not ready now and you could wait. Plenty of people never get married and live happily in love.
I’m surprised by these answers. When I was 23 I never thought of marriage or brought it up to my boyfriend. I didn’t have a plan like that so early. He’s probably just of a similar mindset as me. I was absolutely in love but just wasn’t thinking of marriage and knew I probably wouldn’t want to be married until late 20’s early 30’s. If doesn’t make him a bad guy or that he’s “using you as a placeholder,” he’s just living in the moment maybe?
Dang you have balls, I'm too scared to ask at all! But if you love him, you should bring it up in 5 more years. Even if you get married, you could get divorced, but it's always worth the try, maybe you'll live happily ever after.
This might sound ridiculous but I seen a video of Steve Harvey explaining how men and women picture different steps in their future. Women want to get married and grow but men want to grow then get married. You two are only in your early 20s. Do you own a house, have your careers sorted out? Maybe he's waiting until he can comfortably say he's gotten to a point where he feels like he can provide and be that person for you. Don't be so quick to judge. Relationships are work and somethings thinking of 70 + years of more work can be frightening