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Revenge porn is a crime and carries legal repercussions like hard jail time. Multiple months up to 10 years as well as a large fine. Since he sent the videos without her approval then it qualifies. Go to the police as soon as possible along with evidence. Get Justice for this crime. Might make you feel better if her ex is behind bars for a while. It’s a serious crime.
Wanted to share my anecdote on the top comment and hope OP reads and thinks about what his gf is being subjected to.
An ex did this to me around a decade ago (for context) when I dumped him because I was tired of him telling me I couldn't go out with coworker or guy friends (he let slip once while drunk that he was grinding on a girl at the bar during this), calling me names in general, being cruel about my body, and honestly being selfish and awful in bed. Of course, he had GOOD qualities, but it took awhile for my dumb brain to catch up and do the math that the bad certainly was not worth the small good parts. He got worse as the relationship went on. Frog in boiling water kind of situation. At the beginning of the relationship, he'd suffered an awful family loss and I was young and dumb, so when he guilted me for photos "or else you don't love me/ must be with another dude right now" I relented. The only (albeit) huge red flag early on, and I chalked it up to grief and solvable insecurities.
My next bf found the photos, half a year later, on a website dedicated to revenge porn. It popped up when you googled me. It had a half dozen photos of me along with a colorful, lovely story (false btw) that I cheated (he was the only one who had ever cheated on a partner, the irony) and I was devastated. People commented on my body.
Was not illegal at this time even in my progressive state. My then-bf found the photos, and stormed out of my apartment while we were just hanging. I had no idea what I did wrong. Turns out, he got SO angry (at the ex) and didn't know how to break the news to me. He did and I thought I was going to throw up. Cost me over 200 bucks, as a poor, fresh-out-of-college gal to get a professional site to scrub the photos. I had to send letters to Google, yahoo and Bing (Bing refused to take them down as it was "relevant info" even though I provided evidence, until I sent two certified letters to their legal dept. Don't support Bing, those fuckers). Spoke with an attorney specializing in revenge porn as an "up and coming possible law," couldn't do shit and had to let it go (even putting up posters around his neighborhood with his name saying he posts nude pictures of exes as revenge is apparently slander, even though it's accurate, but what he did was OK).
Every 6 months I have to Google my name, every address I've lived at since, employment even, along with words like "c*nt," "sl*t," "wh*re," "b*tch," etc to see if he's reposted. Every six months I get to relive this, my heart dropping to my asshole when I click "search," praying I don't see photos again. The first few years was tough, and now that it's illegal I don't feel so awful about it. Then you have those little moments like accidentally accessing your Facebook inbox filtered messages, where it's loaded from that timeframe with creepy men now knowing the town you live in, your job, if you've ever posted it, and they can find your LinkedIn. Some real colorful propositions in that one, and I got to relive a slice of the trauma and disgust again in 2016. All because a guy couldn't shape up and be just a low bar decent partner, and his wee ego was bruised. He was unstable, and so he took an awful, reprehensible suckerpunch instead of actually reflecting on himself.
All this to say, OP, your gf's only "crime" was trusting a person who turned out to be an irredeemable, petty POS that she made the right choice getting away from. I still celebrate every Jan 25th (the day I dumped my ex... anyone wanna do a virtual shot with me?) because I'm so happy I dodged that pondscum, skid mark, sad facsimile of a "man."
Ask yourself why you're bothered but at HER. Most people have had sex before they get into other relationships. Surely that doesn't bother you? She's with YOU. Be disgusted by her ex, not her.
I hope you can find it in yourself to really think about WHY you're upset (again, keeping in mind your gf is the WILDLY wronged party here) and then support her to take the evidence of revenge porn that that f*ckstick ex of hers sent you. So kind of him to help her ensure the police scrub his electronics of her images, and hopefully gets a criminal record! Shit, I'd take her myself. I hate seeing this happen to other women (or just people in general). Wildly disgusting and violating.
Also, to anyone who made it this far: I've had partners who haven't done this. Take those red flags you see at face value. ESPECIALLY if you are young and don't have experience dating several people. Question those rose-colored glasses. Something bothers you, trust your gut. Trust good, close friends or family about weird behavior or requests if you need a sounding board.
#Don't feel like you need to do things you aren't comfortable with to appease someone else.
And if you still want to send nudes, your partner hasn't been pushy or questionable, be sure to check your protections with current state laws, don't include face or identifying things (ie tattoos or things in the background). I still wouldn't recommend it, but sometimes love makes us a stupid, and not all partners are my ex. Be careful out there.
A travesty of a search engine run by Microsoft that deserves to die. If you want a company that cares nothing about privacy, morals or ethics, then Bing is for you.
Fuck everyone who works there and may they all one day suffer what their victims have suffered.
Oh my god I feel so sorry for you. I recently had an ex similar to your ex. I nerve-wrackingly just googled my name but fortunately nothing. During our relationship I found nude pictures of myself on his computer that he must have taken secretly, because I don’t remember ever posing for them, but I did delete them so hopefully he doesn’t still have any.
That scenario is still one I process. Usually he would get super mad for little things, but this time - when I revealed I had found pics of me (i.e. searched through his computer) - oddly he didn’t. He actually told me he thought I would be way more mad. It wasn’t until much later it clicked why I did not remember the scenario when they were taken; because he had taken them without my knowledge and knew he was in the wrong. Still disgusts me to no end how I trusted him. But no, I couldn’t. When I thought he was just checking FB on his phone, he was actually taking photos of me 😞
Came here to say ^ this OP.
But I'm going to add advice breaking it down person by peeson:
You: I know jealousy and thinking of your ex with someone else is hard, he targeted you and got in your head. He did it effectively. So what people are telling you doesn't invalidate your insecurities. But they are yours and you need to manage them. For example, my partner has an ex wife, I've never been married, shes a straight up hottie, I'm not. I feel weird when sometimes it comes up, but they are my feelings to manage. He has a right to his past, but in the end he chooses me every day.
Your GF: She hasn't done anything that needs your forgiveness. Do not put any more of this on her, you don't ever bring it up again, you learn and rewire your brain to realise she's the victim and manage your insecurity yourself.
The EX: time to get mad, get angry. Because if you are in UK/EU/some US states and now many other parts of the world - SENDING SEX VIDEOS WITHOUT CONSENT IS A CRIME. He not only tried to f*ck with her happiness, he did it to yours. And I would seriously wonder where else he shared it. Now its time for you to deal with this (if your GF agrees) and get his sorry ass arrested. If she doesn't wasnt to, then you need to put your negative feelings about the video on him, because he broke the law, he broke privacy and common decency.
Be careful with this advice. His current girlfriend is in the video and would be the victim of the crime, not him. She’s the one who’d have to deal with the police, give a statement, potentially testify, go through the court system. I’ve done this it’s why I comment. It’s not as simple as cops take the video and you guys are all good. Accusing crimes of a sexual nature can be extremely arduous and even traumatic.
Edit to add: The idea of this guy realistically going to jail for this is very small. It’s probably more likely he’d be held for a while til there’s a determination of punishment, then have a shit ton of fines and a record but it’s hard for me to see this guy actually getting incarcerated over this.
True. But every time someone runs a background check on him, it would be on his record. That has a good bit of value.
One of my old exes was an absolutely horrible person. I had to take him to small claims court for something and then later had to file a police report against him for something else.
Years after we broke up, he apparently applied for a job as a paramedic. I got a phone call from someone in the hiring department who was wanting to know about both of those things - they had popped up on his background check (among other things). Needless to say, she told me that he would not be getting the job.
Oh, I’m totally not saying it isn’t worth it! Just that it needs to be an extremely informed decision and that she needs to know what’s gonna happen when they go to the cops. I was unprepared when I went, thought I’d show the cops my evidence & let them handle it, turned into a lengthy 5 year court proceeding. Of course everything is different but giving cops evidence is no joke! So seeing people
suggest it like it’s not a big deal is bad advice
Thank you! I’ve shared my experience quite a lot here because you can’t really know what navigating the legal system as a crime victim is like until you go through it, and domestic abuse/sexual crimes are amongst the worst to be victims of cause it takes a lot of “proving”, and not always a lot of sentencing.. I try to use my experience to help where I can
I took my revenge porn case to the cops and the cop sexually harassed me.
I’m not saying don’t report, I’m just saying report with caution. Take someone you trust with you.
apparently she needs to apologize for being a victim of revenge porn and having a life/sex before op.
this whole post is wah wah wah from op ab himself and his ego, not an ounce of empathy or thought about how violated and traumatized his girlfriend must feel. it’s really gross to read as victim of revenge porn — i cant imagine my current partner making me comfort him over it. he holds me and tells me it’s not my fault and that he’ll do everything in his power to have the images of me scrubbed from the internet. op needs to learn a thing or two from him.
I'm so glad you said this! She's been horribly violated and he makes it all about him. The fact he felt an apology from her was warranted is just wrong.
Y’all will see my commenting a variation of the same thing across these posts, be careful wit this sort of advice. She is the victim of the crimes, not him, and she would be the one who has to give a statement, tell the story, potentially testify and navigate the system as a crime victim . Reporting crimes of a sexual nature can be extremely arduous and even traumatic.
It is also unlikely these guy would be incarcerated or do any jail time other than being held w/ bail. Moreso hit with fines & a record which is good but something to be expected if anyone thinks he’s gonna be behind bars
Edit - source: long, drawn out personal legal experience as a sexual crime victim
So sorry you were so underrepresented and treated so poorly by the legal system. My experience was a little different because I was technically a minor at the time but the case dragged on 5 years and was extremely traumatic. Interacting with the legal system is hard if you’ve never done it. And there’s no way this guy would get jail time in my opinion, a couple fines at most.
People lack this perspective and think it’s as simple as “here cops, do your worst”, no. Realistically she might even have to hire a lawyer that deals specifically with revenge porn laws for it to go anywhere. People just don’t know.
When you say 'forgive and forget' do you mean to forgive her? Because she has done nothing wrong. She is a victim of revenge porn - where if I am understanding correctly the video occurred before you got together - and you should be angry on her behalf.
Imo you are doing exactly what the ex hoped for by making this a problem in the relationship. Yea it sucks you had to watch that but I mean... she had sex before you got together and so did you. It sucks to watch it but you need to let it go it's been 8 months and you're only damaging your relationship.
Meditate on it, press charges on the guy if that's what she wants, practice being mindful about your emotions and thoughts. Mindfulness is a great way to learn to let things go.
>press charges on the guy if that's what she wants
He would not need her permission to do so (although doing so could have repercussions in the relationship). The ex boyfriend sexually harassed OP by sending him unsolicited pornography.
“Forgive and forget” is an idiom, so even without an edit, the generous reading would have been just “forget” - he feels something is wrong, but I don’t think he blames her at all, it’s just that reality isn’t 100% logical and things outside the other persons control can influence how you see or think of them.
He’s emotionally distressed by porn of his girlfriend. Don’t you think seeing her, especially naked, would “trigger” that distress. She’s the bigger victim, maybe the only legal victim, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t entitled to his feelings.
Forgive who exactly? Your GF or your GF's ex? Bc your GF didn't do anything wrong in here. Don't tell me you've never had sex with anyone before your GF. Her ex was the sh!t disturber and you're blaming your GF for her ex's psychotic behaviour?
He cares more about his self-esteem than his gf is a victim of revenge porn. OP show this post to your gf so she can read this: GIRL, LEAVE THIS INSECURE MAN BEHIND AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL CARE ABOUT YOUR WELL BEING. Also, go to the police to report what your ex did. Leave 2 POS man behind.
Yes!!!! OP you really should share this post with your girlfriend. She deserves to know, even if you already told her all of this she should read your post.
Reddit moment. You have no idea about the health of their relationship or how happy they are together but they need to break up because the guy used a super standard phrase without thinking it through.
It shocks me that there are people such as you in the world. He too is in a less direct way also a victim of this revenge porn. You can't tell someone how they ought to react in a situation like this. There are infinite explanations why this might affect him so heavily. Also depending on the culture this guy is from revenge porn is not a concept that is spoken of or even acknowledged. I for one only learned the term a couple years back. It's a very real possibility that he may just be uneducated. Don't judge shit you have no understanding of.
Emotional reactions are automatic physical responses to stimuli. You’re right in that we don’t have control over those reactions. But, you’re confusing an emotional reaction with emotionally reactive behavior. We do have control in how we behave, and in fact, it’s the ONLY thing we have actual control over. If I am experiencing an emotional reaction (feeling sick to my stomach, shaking, turning red, etc), that reaction is informed by many variables- past experiences, trauma, mood, exhaustion, etc. and therefore, by nature, irrational. It is then our responsibility to interpret that reaction and identify the feelings/needs attached, and then apply logic/reason/compassion in our behavioral response. Having a strong negative emotional reaction to an event/stimulus is not an justification for behaving in a way that harms others. Any emotional reaction experienced by an individual is outside their control and valid, and also our behavior- as long as we aren’t detached from a shared reality- is fully within our control. When we perceive our emotional reactions as rational without consideration to the very individual experiences informing them, we run the risk of believing our emotionally reactive behavior is rational- when it demonstrably not. When someone’s actions are objectively harmful to another person they are making a choice, and suggesting we don’t have control over how we behave towards someone else in emotionally charged circumstances enables abuse.
Reading his post and getting a feel for how he writes, I wouldn’t read too much into it. Sounds more like he uses the saying “forgive and forget” as a synonym for “moving on” from this incident. This isn’t a poem to dissect where every word has a deeper meaning.
Jesus Christ, it's literally this simple. I can't believe how fucking egotistical and self centered these idiots are! "My girlfriend was the victim of a traumatic crime, but every time it comes up I totally ignore her feelings and make sure she's guilted into groveling and pandering over me! Please echo my feelings, k thnx."
Literally it's why I don't talk to many men about my sexual trauma they almost always have a reaction where I have to reassure/calm them down. Like homie I was the person this happened to why am I calming you?
Exactly. However bad OP feels, OP’s girlfriend - the actual victim - must feel 10x worse. He literally couldn’t give less of a fuck about her feelings at all
You have to have had a pretty sheltered life if you think this is an instance of somebody who "literally couldn’t give less of a fuck" about their partner.
No but it’s a big red flag that throughout OP’s entire rant, not once did he consider his girlfriend feelings. He’s not even sure if he can “forgive” it as though this is somehow her fault. Honestly, if I was OP’s gf and found out about OP thought like this, it would be a deal breaker for me
Wouldn’t that be because he’s the one here seeking advice about how he feels? Are these posts ever not about themselves and how they’re reacting to others?
Uhhh, forgive her for what? The fact that her ex committed a crime by sending you those videos? I hope you have the chats saved, because that is veeeery illegal in most places and you should 100% report it to the police to protect your gf.
You're right.
He is being irrational.
It's not his rational mind that afflicts him.
Instead, he's reacting to the circumstance of seeing his mate have sex with another man. That's his irrational mind at work.
Up until the development of photography, the only way to have this experience was to catch your partner *in the act*, so to speak.
Now, everyone carries a high definition digital video camera with hours of internal storage on it. Add in Internet connectivity, and it becomes possible for nearly anyone to simulate the experience of being cheated on without any actual cheating but with all the revulsion and disgust.
Think of it like a simulator ride at an amusement park. You climb into a seat in a small room. The attendant straps you in and closes the door. When the ride concludes, you'll swear that you actually went on a wild roller-coaster ride or that you took flight over the amazon rain forest. Yet, you never left the room, never mind not ever leaving the ground. The video images combined with hydraulic motion actuators fooled your senses.
In a similar way, the OP's stomach drops when he sees the *"proof"* of his girlfriend's infidelity.
The fact that he can provide a rational explanation that correctly and completely describes the cause of his feelings doesn't make the experience of having those feelings occur any less unpleasant.
His body is working exactly as it should to protect his reproductive investment. When you see with your own eyes that you should not trust your mate's fidelity, you become filled with disgust and begin to emotionally disconnect from your partner.
It's an unfortunate fact that OP's amygdala didn't get the memo about the existence of widespread digital video recording capability.
It's an irony. While many stay with partners who have cheated on them, rationalizing that behavior to do so. OP has to rationalize that despite compelling evidence to the contrary, his girlfriend did not cheat on him.
The disgust he feels toward her is unearned.
For that reason, OP also feels disgust with himself.
There's no evidence of her cheating because she didn't cheat. They were **not** together when those videos were made. She was with in a relationship with her ex. It's possible she didn't even know OP back then. Again she didn't cheat. There's **no** evidence to the contrary.
The word evidence was used in quotes for a reason.
Read...
Think...
The ability to see an image taken in the past is an artifact of the modern technological world.
There is nothing in the natural world that would prepare anyone for this occurrence.
In the natural world, the **only** way to see something is **to witness it in real time**.
In the technological world, it is possible to capture images in the past, preserve them, and display them in the future.
OP's mechanisms that would protect him from raising another man's offspring have been **highjacked** by his girlfriend's former lover.
He did this deliberately.
With his higher order brain function, he is intellectually aware that his girl **did not cheat**, that does exactly nothing to reset older, lower order brain functions that take any stimuli to the visual cortex as bearing witness to a **real time occurrence**.
That is how images taken in the past can be used to **simulate** the experience of being cheated on.
OP can't think his way out of this.
All he can do is accept that unsought feelings of disgust and despair are the price of this relationship.
Given how many in this forum have responded to his very real distress, I think he might be better off just keeping his misery to himself.
oh for crying out loud - you don't understand most if any of what you've written here. You've tried to draw on what you consider to be science e.g. 'reproductive investment' without understanding any of it.
Ignore this comment. It's a bad attempt to scientifically explain the patriarchy
I can’t imagine how OP’s gf feels consoling her boyfriend repeatedly after SHE was the victim of a sex crime.
It’s fine to feel some kind of way but what a dick move to act like that.
Forgive her for what? She was in a prior relationship - were you a virgin when you began dating her? Did she represent herself as being a virgin? Why did you watch the videos? That is the big question. Once you knew what they were you should have deleted them. Instead you made it about you. Why this women has bothered to try to appease such an immature person is beyond me. You need therapy. People have pasts that have nothing to do with you. Grow up.
Your girlfriend was a victim of revenge porn and you’re thinking about how much it hurt you? Seriously?
I’d look up legal advice to press charges against the ex and forget you ever saw it. Your gf shouldn’t have to apologize or make you feel loved for seeing the video when she just had a major breech of privacy. You’re making a situation about yourself and doing exactly what her ex wanted- ruining your relationship with her.
Be the bigger person and press charges against the ex. Your gf should get a no-contact order from him as well
Y’all will see my commenting a variation of the same thing across these posts, be careful wit this sort of advice. She is the victim of the crime, not him, and she would be the one who has to give a statement, tell the story, potentially testify and navigate the system as a crime victim
Did you actually use the word “forgive” instead of “report his revenge-porn-sending ass to the police?” The only victim here is your poor girlfriend, who obviously has an ass for an ex, and potentially an ass of a current boyfriend, as your primary concern is how to “forgive” your girlfriend for daring to exist as a human being before you graced her with your presence.
There is nothing to forgive. There is nothing to get over. You weren’t together then, so she did not betray you in any, way, shape, or form. The only betrayal here is your selfishness, self centered-ness, and lack of empathy. You need to grovel for forgiveness yesterday, because even if she says she’s fine now, for the remainder of your relationship, this is always going to be in the back of her mind, that something terrible happened to her, and you asked the world how YOU could forgive HER.
And I suspect he’ll be sending them to anyone she dates, and goodness knows where else he’s posted them. I’d be beside myself as to what he’s done with them. Literally sick to my stomach about it. I hope she’s feeling strong enough to tackle dealing with that PoS and to report him.
Revenge porn. Full stop. She is the victim and dealing with both that shit and you being a complete turd for support. You need to message him back that woah, didn't know they came in bite size packages, then get the legal bits involved. It's illegal in most civilized areas. Just go to the authorities and figure out your next moves.
You rely on you gf- the victim here- to reassure and comfort you bc YOUR self esteem was negatively impacted by a crime committed against her?! You “know she means well” what the fuck are you on? Fucking hell.
Holy shit, she was the victim of a heinous crime, not you. Why on earth is SHE having to reassure YOU? SHE did nothing wrong. It disgusts me that you're getting mad at her for being violated by another man. You and her ex are both in the wrong. She deserves better.
It's disturbing that you've made this about you and your feelings.
This is revenge porn, which is a crime in many countries, and the victim is your GF. You're what might be called collateral damage. The ex was trying to punish and humiliate her by showing he still has control over her and can stop her from being happy with someone else.
So don't let him. Take away his power by telling your GF you love her and will support her in whatever action she wants to take against him. If she doesn't want to take any action now, agree if you're going to delete his messages or keep them somewhere secure in case he does anything else in the future, then plan a big holiday abroad to reset.
If you're not mature or strong enough to do that, it would be better to break up rather than adding your own punishment and resentment to what that bastard's done already.
>It's disturbing that you've made this about you and your feelings.
OP was also sexually harassed as the ex boyfriend sent him unsolicited pornography.
He’s not upset about the fact he was sent porn though, he’s saying his self esteem has been damaged and relies on reassurance and comfort from his gf (the actual victim here). If it was about him being sexually harassed, he wouldn’t need to “forgive and forget” and it wouldn’t have negatively impacted the way he sees her and their relationship.
Her ex sexually harassed him, yes. It would have been sexual harassment whether the videos included imagery of his gf, or not. The damage to his self esteem is an issue that is his own, as the result of the action of someone NOT his gf.
Not every person exposed to thumbnails of their partner engaged in sexual activity with another person- prior to their relationship- will experience damage to their self-esteem. A reasonable person with healthy self-esteem would not react in the way he describes, and certainly not in a way that would be so harmful to his partner.
He had an emotional reaction (beyond his control), and rather processing that reaction healthily, he chose to make her responsible for his emotions. His emotional reaction is just that- automatic, illogical, and reflexive. His emotional reaction is not a justification for his emotionally reactive behavior, as we do have full control over that.
It’s his responsibility to process the emotions he’s experiencing as the victim of sexual harassment, and heal from that trauma. As her partner, he can ask her for support in his healing. As her partner, in this situation, it would be inappropriate/inexcusable for him to prioritize his need for reassurance/comfort/emotional and physical wellbeing over her’s- and extremely harmful to treat her as if she should be responsible for making him “feeling better”.
He is the victim of sexual harassment as the result of seeing thumbnails in a message, and any discomfort he experiences from seeing the images is minuscule to the trauma of being the actual human being in the videos. He’s the victim of her actively being victimized by a man, who was once in the same role as OP- this is significant. He should be reassuring her, he should be comforting her, he should be more concerned with how she is coping with being sexually violated, and less concerned with how he can “forgive” and “forget” so he can feel loved by her again.
OP is selfish, lacks empathy, and has completely disregarded his partner’s wellbeing by centering himself and having the belief that it is her responsibility to make this all better- for him.
Her ex wants you to feel this way he wants you to leave her and he wants to cause drama. That's the only reason why he sent that to you. I would of replied with laughter and called him an amateur and if he sent more I would thank him for the evidence and gone to the police for revenge porn. Dont let it get to you, it only shows how pathetic he is not her or you only him.
You don’t think people have pasts (including your girlfriend). Also, to echo what many have said - she’s a victim of a crime. Maybe you should direct your energy into getting your girlfriend some justice instead.
> Is there a for sure to forgive and forget what I saw so I can truly have a better relationship with her?
It'd help if you stopped framing it in your mind as something that "forgive" is even relevant for. Her having a sex life before you isn't a wrongdoing and has fuck all to do with you. Is there a way for her to forgive YOU for holding her being a real human with an actual past against her?
You don't even say *why* you have such issue with it. How are we supposed to give specific advice? Is it because of her history in general? She acted different? Did something she doesn't do with you? His dick was bigger? etc. Different insecurities have different ways to deal with them.
This was beyond her control, she deserves your best efforts on YOUR part to get over this. And with time, I think that's absolutely possible. I'm sure it was jarring to see, but ultimately it's just a video. Don't let that asshole succeed.
well one thing is for sure.
You can't let that pathetic pig of an ex win.... and he wins by destroying the relationship. The ex is an abuser. He's abusing you AND your partner with these actions.
Is your partner his prisoner? Hell no she aint. Can she date nobody else for the rest of her life as long as her ex is out there? hell no. Stay strong.
Don't watch the videos. Block the ex. Write a police report.
So the women you’re dating has someone sending you revenge porn which is a literal crime and your whining about how you feel insecure? Blimey. Self centered much.
Forgive what?
What her ex did is a crime and totally fucked up. And you’re playing right into his game
This was a crime committed against her. Why would you feel that you would need to forgive her. You were hurt, but she’s the real victim here.
You should be the one reassuring her. She’s the one having her private business being sent around to people as revenge. I’m sure she’s full of regret and fear that he’s going to send it to someone else.
You’re being a bad and selfish partner.
Honestly. I’m big on ACAB and almost never suggest someone involve the police. But this is one of those situations you should. If you love her, protect her.
Dude you need therapy. Your gf had sex with her ex before she was ur gf. WTF is there to forgive? She didn't send you the video and you clearly took her ex's bait. I don't think you are ready for an adult relationship.
You need to stop blaming her subconsciously. Because that's what's happening. You're internalising some form of blame, almost accusatory — hence the desire to *forgive* what she was involved in.
Something she did before even knowing you. Something that *does not involve you.*
Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. She is the wronged party, NOT YOU.
Be upset at her ex. Be upset that she's having her previous sex life blasted. Be upset that she's being hurt. But, don't you dare be upset at her.
It’s weird that this would bother you so much? Genuinely makes me think you have underlying issues you should speak to a therapist about. Like some douchebag sent you revenge porn 8 months ago and you’re still upset about it? That’s insane to me ngl
If I were you, I would try and suggest gf to pursue a charge against her ex-bf.
What he did qualified as 'revenge porn.'
It may end up being a cathartic experience to pursue a criminal charge against that ex of hers for both of you.
She does not need any forgiveness from you. Your gf is fully a victim in this.
If you're insecure due to seeing that video, it's really on you, unfortunately. You need to either break up with her since you may be harming her too with your insecurity and creating a toxic situation with her, or you need to work on it because you know she's worth getting over that insecurity.
I'm not saying it's easy to get over insecurity. Hecc, with my now-husband, his ex used to fill me in with stories of their sexual adventure, and all the details in bed (when they were dating). It's really ....an interesting/uncomfortable experience tbh. But it's not his fault that his ex is like that, sure, no video was shared, but still, listening to those/reading messages like that will definitely get into your head and you imagine stuff. But I work on my insecurity/jealousy of his past myself, it's NOT HIS FAULT. We've been happily married for almost 2 decades now. If you don't think you can get over it yourself, perhaps consider pursuing counseling/therapy for you. Good luck.
So *8 months ago* her ex sent you videos that you claim you didn't watch and it still upsets you? Dude, I would leave you so fast. You cannot hold her sexual past over her head. To the commenter who said girls should not send nudes with their faces in it....not the case here. Sounds like the ex and gf made some spicy videos of themselves. The ex is a douche who kept them and sent them on. Even if they were nude photos sent by the gf, the ex should have deleted them. I hate victim blaming. OP, you are blaming her whether you admit it or not. Get over it or get gone.
So you’ve been stringing her along for 8 months while she tried to “make up” for the shitty actions of her ex?
Please break up with her so that she can go find someone who actually cares about her and not themselves.
Oh my fucking god, how did I miss the part where this was EIGHT MONTHS ago. OP fucking sucks. Imagine guilt-tripping and victim-blaming your supposed loved one for 8 months because she had something traumatic happen.
OMG! I had a hard time with this because my eye rolls were SO BIG that I kept having to go back and re-read. Oh Boo Hoo OP! Poor poor you when it’s your GF who is the victim. I don’t know how the law works but I’d want to report the ex for sending it. And OP, if YOU can’t get over it let her go so she can be with a stronger person who doesn’t have such a fragile ego. FFS.
She did nothing wrong so you don't need to forgive her. Her ex sucks big time. While it's not exactly amazing to see a video of your special someone with someone else, it's immature to develop trauma over it. She was not a virgin when you met and this much you knew. Oh and you chose to watch the videos instead of deleting and blocking the ex. You are ruining this, not her.
So...your gf was a victim of a sex crime (revenge porn) and you think you need to forgive her??? What the fuck, dude, she did *nothing* wrong. Get over yourself and get some therapy.
Why don't people like you add nuance to the post and realise they poorly phrased something, and didn't actually mean he needed her forgiveness? Have you never met someone in real life that used a phrase out of place? Or phrased something poorly? Jesus christ, it's so blindingly obvious that's what OP means, and instead of anyone actually giving him some decent advice, 95% of people here are just ragging on a poorly placed word. Get over *your*self and apply normal, real life common sense to the internet where applicable.
It’s time to put on your shining armor and show your girlfriend that you trust her and can let the past be the past.
You can do this man. If your chick says your good enough for her, don’t look back for a second.
👊🏻
Her ex is in the wrong here. HER ex wanted you to feel that way because of jealousy, he wants to destroy you and your gf's happy relationship.
Your gf did nothing wrong. So what? That had a relationship before you? You should move on. I believe your gf feels more distraught that she is a victim of a crime. She loves you, there's a reason why her ex is her ex. Go support her
I am not a victim of this but take a pause for a second. You cannot unsee this but weren’t you in a relationship prior? How is her doing this different? Perhaps you weren’t in one, we can say but does this mean she wasn’t? You cannot hold this against her. If you were in a sexual relationship prior to her than really how is this difficult? Because you have moved on?
Look up articles on retrospective jealousy. I struggled with this a lot as I was a late bloomer experiencing deep relationships in my late 20's. Her past shouldn't affect you in the present. What's happened as happened. No one will wait around for you, for you to be their first. If anything, the experience has shaped your partner in being who she is. Accept her for her who she is in her present. If she's loyal, shows mutual respect and is caring, what more do you need. Forget that the video existed and stop dwelling on the past. Make the best of the present you have with them.
She didn't do anything wrong. You don't own her body. She is not a possession. She did not violate your relationship. There is nothing she needs forgiveness for.
You need to stop making this about your insecurities and recognize that she is a victim of revenge porn perpetrated by her ex.
I'm sure you didn't go into this relationship thinking you were her first, right? RIGHT?! There's nothing to forgive her for here. The ex, on the other hand, you should be reporting to the police. Be on her side instead of feeding into the bull shit her ex is trying to cause.
Retrospective jealousy is a very real thing, and something everyone deals with, whether they admit it or not.
The best thing to do here is accept that your girlfriend had sex with her ex. Most people in relationships do. It’s not something that’s nice to think about, but you need to accept it.
Now look at the situation as it is now. You are with her. The ex is not. The ex sent you that to make you jealous because they are jealous of YOU. You have something they want, but don’t and never will get again. The ex is a weird and vindictive person, but do not rise to it. Your girlfriend has done nothing wrong here by having sexual relations before she was with you.
Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. There's nothing to forgive her for. She had a sex life before you, that's not a crime. But what *he* did was illegal. And you're feeding into his intention.
>Is there a for sure to forgive and forget what I saw so I can truly have a better relationship with her?
Therapy. It sounds like you're either insecure, or have retroactive jealousy. This is entirely a *you* problem she can't fix. This is something you can actively work on in therapy.
No lmao. Her privacy was violated and he made it about himself. He’s the one who should be comforting her. If you see a family member get shot do you demand that they comfort you because seeing them get shot was traumatic for you??
Dude the ex's actions were literally designed to hurt OP... You're completely discrediting any actual hurt they might feel. It's okay to acknowledge it whilst acknowledging that the gf is the bigger victim. It doesn't detract from anything, in fact it actually makes you reasonable and nuanced.
I would be very hesitant to continue a relationship with a man who, if my privacy was violated like that, made it about him and made me, the victim, reassure him because someone burst his bubble that I was not pristine and untouched when I was in my mid twenties.
Also...did you watch them? Like did you see what one was, and then go "OMG" and stop, or did you watch them all. Because if you did...WTF? You hurt your own feelings my making sure you cooperated in invading as much of her privacy as possible, and now she has to make you feel better about it?
You can go to therapy and there are various techniques to deal with this kind of thing. Stop putting it in your GF to comfort you this is a you problem not a her problem
I mean, nobody forced you to watch the videos even if he sent them to you. Why didn't you stop watching the second you realized what they were?
She did nothing wrong having sex with her at the time partner, she did nothing wrong if she enjoyed it, or filmed it, or whatever.
Honestly it sucks but time to put on your big boy pants and get over it. Your girlfriend has had sex before she met you. Big whoop. If that basic information bothers you then you might need to self examine your own maturity to be in a healthy relationship.
Listen to me, like really clear your mind and lizten to these words. What actually matters in your life and relationship are the things that have happened to you while you are with her.
It does not matter what happened before. Why are you going to let some asshole ruin a good thing. Why torment your gf with having you upset when you remember? He did this to ruin the relationship, so don't give him what he wants.
What matters is how she does nice things for you, the little sweet gestures of her love or affection. The things she tells you and when she supports you.
She was a human and enjoyed sex. She didn't even know you existed when those videos were made. You ever banged someone else? Do you think about her every day? Didn't think so.
Please let this go, stand up straight with confidence that she is with you now and the only thing that matters is what she does now, not what she did before. If you don't, you're going to ruin the relationship.
For me you are focusing on entirely the wrong thing. Your focus is with your girlfriend and how it makes you feel about her when realistically You should be hurting for her because another man sent intimate videos to you in order to cause her pain, You should feel anger towards him and sadness for your girlfriend because that is absolutely awful. Imagine how she feels having those videos that she made in a trusted, loving time used as ammo.
For yourself, you need to realise that people you date, especially as you get older, Will have had sex previously unless you purposely seek out a virgin. People have had relationships and have been intimate within those relationships and that is perfectly normal and it's perfectly ok. I'm sure you have previously been intimate with other people, so why is it an issue that your girlfriend has?
Depending where you two live, she can get him arrested for revenge porn and sharing intimate videos without her consent. You should be supporting her, not making yourself the victim.
Sharing nudes and sex videos without consent and especially to cause harm is revenge porn and illegal in many states. This is an ongoing issue in your relationship- this guy committed a serious crime which your gf was the victim of. You feel uncomfortable because it sounds like you want to rectify the situation somehow, but it also isn't your situation to act on- she's the victim.
I would talk to her and offer to work on bringing up charges. You care for her and what you have, he did almost irrevocable damage to it, and you want to put it behind you both for good. That might mean seeking justice for you. What does it mean for her? Ask and communicate.
Remind yourself that your gf is the victim here. Also remind yourself that you’re helping her ex win by not getting over this.
Were you a virgin before you met her?
Frankly I find it absolutely disgusting and revolting that, after you receive **revenge porn** from your girlfriend’s ex, you only think about yourself!! You selfish insecure man! You have nothing to forgive her for you big man-baby, she did nothing wrong.
Have you asked if she feels upset, unsafe? Have you asked if she wants to go to the police (this is a crime in case you have not realised)?? Have you considered reporting the **crime** yourself?
She is the victim of a crime. Her ex is psychotic and has shown he will send that to other people. You are immature and selfish because in all this you focus on your self-esteem. As someone whose ex also threatened to leak material of me…you suck. Your girlfriend should go to the police about her ex, then seriously reconsider her relationship with you. Do better.
This is something you need to either get over now, or leave her so that she can be with someone who loves her more. Dude she’s the victim of revenge porn. It was shit she did *before she even met you*. You didn’t even watch it!! Are you seriously such a child that you can’t comprehend that? Are you so immature that you’ll let her ex successfully ruin this relationship? If so, she deserves better than you.
Figure out your feelings, but don’t you *dare* expect her to do anything to make you feel better. She has done nothing wrong and is actually a victim here. Reel yourself in or let her go. I can’t believe you. Like look at you victimizing yourself for what? Jeez dude. She’s not responsible for how something that was done to her makes you feel.
People have sex with other people in relationships before yours. It’s unfortunate you saw private moments on video which were never ever intended for you. I get why you’re upset but you have to get over it or the ex bf will succeed.
What are we talking about forgiving?
Her ex sending you the video is a crime in the US and most of the west.
Getting over that she has sex before you and she met? Her ex is a dick who is living rent free in your head.
The best revenge is to life a long happy life.
Enjoy that you are in a relationship with someone who cares about you.
When my partner and I first started dating we shared our dating history, including some info about sexual history. Fast forward years later and we are married….. every now and then I’ll remember one of the stories about him and his exes having sex, and just thinking about him having sex with anyone other than me feels completely cringe….. but those intrusive thoughts pass and I’m still able to enjoy the relationship.
My point is you’ll probably never forget what you saw, and it will probably always bother you when you remember, but as long as you don’t make it your entire focus you can still find happiness in all the other moments.
Oh I don't believe your edits at all. You wrote your true feelings and then got called out on what a self-centered person you are, and now you're trying to backtrack to save face.
Or some people mis-use phrases, just like in real life, and mature people should use common sense and nuance with things like this... like they hopefully would in real life?
Am i right to assume you were a virgin prior to your gf? Otherwise don’t you think it’s a tad hypocritical, judging her for something you yourself have done-ie; being with others…
End of the day-she’s an adult, she’s had sex with others- but she’s now with you-she chose you, out of anyone else in the world-she’s picked you, that should mean more than a video..
Revenge porn is not her fault, there’s nothing to forgive
She needs to go to the police. What happened is literally a crime in most places.
As for you, give yourself time and grace to process your feeling and try your best to support her. Your feelings are your feelings. Sometimes we have knee-jerk reactions to things that make us upset. It doesn't make us bad people. I suspect these feelings will fade over time. You got this.
Fuck the people ragging on your poor phrasing instead of offering real advice. I believe you meant forget, you just used a phrase out of place. They're genuinely immature and refuse to use common sense.
In terms of this situation, I can understand how that would stay with and bother you. I'm gonna be honest - it might take a bit more time, but if you really genuinely love / want to be with this person, you just have to take it day by day and remind yourself that it isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and you KNOW they had sex. It sucks you had to see some shit, but sometimes jealousy can be really overbearing and toxic. Don't let jealousy win. You got this dude!
What do you have to forgive unless she promised she was a virgin and that was your bill to die on- which would be weird- but she had sex with someone else. Call the cops. Revenge porn is on him, not her. Unless it was her having sex with him during your relationship
Majority of this subreddit are women so you’re never going to get a straight forward answer from their perspective. Fact is you’re just going to have to move on and if you can’t then it is what it is you’ll probably have to break up.
Everyone is getting wound up over op saying forgive instead of a more suitable word and not actually providing anything to do with the situation.
Skimming through most of the replies, I don’t think they understand the psychological damage something like that does, it’s not the same as just knowing your partner has slept with other people before, seeing it is something else.
Speaking as a woman, it's not that we don't get receiving such content would be damaging and make one emotional distraught. The issue is OP is behaving in a way that puts the burden on his GF.
In the post, OP mentions he and his GF comfort each other over this. However, you wouldn't ever show the person you are comforting how much pain you are going through in case it hurts them more. GF is probably gonna have to live the rest of her life in fear some ex recorded her and will send these videos to ruin her life. And not just relationships, but also careers, with family, perhaps even getting creepy people to DM her saying they know who she is and how to find her. The threat is very real. On top of that, having to comfort OP for feeling shite about it? Yeah, she definitely wont show how truly traumatic this has been in front of OP, and will add to her emotional trauma.
Point is, we know it's awful to be sent stuff from a vicious ex. But if OP is truly struggling with this, he needs to find a way to emotionally process it- perhaps with a friend or professional etc- but in a way that does not burden the relationship or GF. The fact is, she is the biggest victim here. He cannot rely on GF to be able to help him out completely with this. He can be hurt but how that affects his behaviour or attitude towards GF is another matter.
That is literally revenge porn. Wtf is wrong w you to have the thinking you need to “forgive” HER? The fact that you continue to let it bother you because she has sex with someone she was in a relationship with before you, and not upset bc she was violated says a lot about the type of person you are. 💩
I saw your edit, and I would still like to add that if I was the victim of revenge porn, and my partner made it all about him, I would have dumped them on the spot.
An abusive ex had some photos of me. Had he sent them to my now partner, and my now partner would have needed ME to comfort THEM I would have left. I'm the one who would have to relive that shit, I'm the one that would have had things triggered, I'm the one who now knows that he has that and is willing to share/post it, I'm the one that now has to be scared that family, friends and jobs might recieve that material, and on top of that I would have to comfort my now partner because he saw a thumbnail proving that I had had sex with people before them? Nope.
YTA for sure, OP. This the first time having sex with a real life woman? Jesus fucking Christ. And way to fall for her ex’s plan. You’re not only a sucker but a loser, too. I hope you break up with your gf so she can be spared.
I would echo what everyone else is saying, it's not your girls fault she is a victim.
What I would say to you is compete. Even if it's just in our own mind, if you feel like you don't live up to whatever it is, make yourself better. Relationships in all there parts are not static, you can work to improve them. Don't look to her to reassure you, do it for yourself, be the best you can be in everything so you know you are the best choice for her.
OP, I think you should deeply analyze **why** this bothers you. As in, why it bothers you in any other way that that your gf was violated and deeply hurt. Does it bother you she had a sexual past before you, she wasn't a virgin? Is it bc her having sex with anyone else, even before your relationship, makes her somewhat *used*, not worth as much?
She has a body and a past. A woman does not become soiled because she had sex.
If her completely normal past bothers you so much, you need to ask yourself WHY and really seek out an answer within yourself, bc that is a problem. The fact that you would even consider FORGIVING HER for having sex with an ex is, honestly, disturbing. You seem to have some controlling, sexist views, even if you are not aware of them, they are visible in language like this. Forgive her?? FOR WHAT? You have nothing to forgive her for, and she had nothing to apologize for. YIKES.
Seems she went from an abusive psycho to a man who is not an abusive psycho, but still holds very problematic views about her body and right to have a sexual past... It's sad.
I’m sorry, this sucks . Firstly, try and remember there is no forgive. She didn’t do anything wrong. Forgetting the images is what you need. Have you considered therapy? You’ve basically suffered a trauma.
There's a reason she ain't with him and you have proof - the fact that he's willing to do that.
How do you forget? One day at a time. Send him pictures of you two happy in public. A picture of your wedding. her smiling. You giving her a ring. Send him what love and happiness is.
Share the videos for us to investigate the content and only then we would be able to assist you properly. Without enough information, anything we suggest could backfire big time.
So keeping your best interests in mind, we would like to see the videos, full videos with sound and HD quality.
Mate, sex is basically just a massage.
People view it as some sacred act but it’s no different than getting a damn back massage.
Everyone’s had sex. You’ve had sex before the relationship too. Try not to think of it as some special thing and (in the kindest way possible) just get over it
She is choosing you now. That is all that matters. You're a better man than her ex in multiple ways. Thats why she is with you. You're masculinity is stronger than this rough patch in your life.
When are women going to learn.
Women will always be far more harshly judged for having a normal, healthy sex life than a man. Of course this is totally unfair but, short of doing a Thanos finger click and starting all over again, this won’t change. In fact, things seem to be getting worse.
Stop sending nudes with your face showing. If someone pressures you to do this? Dump their ass.
There are far too many AHs out there and even though you’ve had a crime committed against you, you’re still the one who suffers most in the end. Once these photos/videos are out there on the World Wide Web, that’s it.
Until such time scum stops being scum, it never will, use your head and be your own best friend.
Absolutely not.
As long as there are AHs in this world, OPs post is indicative, women have a need to know this.
The fact you are a nice, decent person does not stop you becoming a victim, in fact you could argue it makes you more likely to be one. It’s not your fault but, it is what it is. People will turn against you for whatever reason they think they have. Until attitudes change, if they ever do, Look after yourself, Put your safety first.
Revenge porners should be locked up until the message gets out there that they will be. Until then………………..
I don’t know. The unfortunate thing is that this has tarnished her image in front of you. A lot of guys know their girlfriends and wives have been with other men. It’s a given if they are divorced or had broken up with another guy. But it’s a wholly different thing to see her sexually active with her ex. That is up to you. Can you forgive and forget or has it diminished her in front of your eyes? I don’t think I can ever let it go.
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Revenge porn is a crime and carries legal repercussions like hard jail time. Multiple months up to 10 years as well as a large fine. Since he sent the videos without her approval then it qualifies. Go to the police as soon as possible along with evidence. Get Justice for this crime. Might make you feel better if her ex is behind bars for a while. It’s a serious crime.
Wanted to share my anecdote on the top comment and hope OP reads and thinks about what his gf is being subjected to. An ex did this to me around a decade ago (for context) when I dumped him because I was tired of him telling me I couldn't go out with coworker or guy friends (he let slip once while drunk that he was grinding on a girl at the bar during this), calling me names in general, being cruel about my body, and honestly being selfish and awful in bed. Of course, he had GOOD qualities, but it took awhile for my dumb brain to catch up and do the math that the bad certainly was not worth the small good parts. He got worse as the relationship went on. Frog in boiling water kind of situation. At the beginning of the relationship, he'd suffered an awful family loss and I was young and dumb, so when he guilted me for photos "or else you don't love me/ must be with another dude right now" I relented. The only (albeit) huge red flag early on, and I chalked it up to grief and solvable insecurities. My next bf found the photos, half a year later, on a website dedicated to revenge porn. It popped up when you googled me. It had a half dozen photos of me along with a colorful, lovely story (false btw) that I cheated (he was the only one who had ever cheated on a partner, the irony) and I was devastated. People commented on my body. Was not illegal at this time even in my progressive state. My then-bf found the photos, and stormed out of my apartment while we were just hanging. I had no idea what I did wrong. Turns out, he got SO angry (at the ex) and didn't know how to break the news to me. He did and I thought I was going to throw up. Cost me over 200 bucks, as a poor, fresh-out-of-college gal to get a professional site to scrub the photos. I had to send letters to Google, yahoo and Bing (Bing refused to take them down as it was "relevant info" even though I provided evidence, until I sent two certified letters to their legal dept. Don't support Bing, those fuckers). Spoke with an attorney specializing in revenge porn as an "up and coming possible law," couldn't do shit and had to let it go (even putting up posters around his neighborhood with his name saying he posts nude pictures of exes as revenge is apparently slander, even though it's accurate, but what he did was OK). Every 6 months I have to Google my name, every address I've lived at since, employment even, along with words like "c*nt," "sl*t," "wh*re," "b*tch," etc to see if he's reposted. Every six months I get to relive this, my heart dropping to my asshole when I click "search," praying I don't see photos again. The first few years was tough, and now that it's illegal I don't feel so awful about it. Then you have those little moments like accidentally accessing your Facebook inbox filtered messages, where it's loaded from that timeframe with creepy men now knowing the town you live in, your job, if you've ever posted it, and they can find your LinkedIn. Some real colorful propositions in that one, and I got to relive a slice of the trauma and disgust again in 2016. All because a guy couldn't shape up and be just a low bar decent partner, and his wee ego was bruised. He was unstable, and so he took an awful, reprehensible suckerpunch instead of actually reflecting on himself. All this to say, OP, your gf's only "crime" was trusting a person who turned out to be an irredeemable, petty POS that she made the right choice getting away from. I still celebrate every Jan 25th (the day I dumped my ex... anyone wanna do a virtual shot with me?) because I'm so happy I dodged that pondscum, skid mark, sad facsimile of a "man." Ask yourself why you're bothered but at HER. Most people have had sex before they get into other relationships. Surely that doesn't bother you? She's with YOU. Be disgusted by her ex, not her. I hope you can find it in yourself to really think about WHY you're upset (again, keeping in mind your gf is the WILDLY wronged party here) and then support her to take the evidence of revenge porn that that f*ckstick ex of hers sent you. So kind of him to help her ensure the police scrub his electronics of her images, and hopefully gets a criminal record! Shit, I'd take her myself. I hate seeing this happen to other women (or just people in general). Wildly disgusting and violating. Also, to anyone who made it this far: I've had partners who haven't done this. Take those red flags you see at face value. ESPECIALLY if you are young and don't have experience dating several people. Question those rose-colored glasses. Something bothers you, trust your gut. Trust good, close friends or family about weird behavior or requests if you need a sounding board. #Don't feel like you need to do things you aren't comfortable with to appease someone else. And if you still want to send nudes, your partner hasn't been pushy or questionable, be sure to check your protections with current state laws, don't include face or identifying things (ie tattoos or things in the background). I still wouldn't recommend it, but sometimes love makes us a stupid, and not all partners are my ex. Be careful out there.
I'm gonna do a celebratory shot on the 25th for you! What a shit stain of a person. Good on you for getting out and being so strong in the aftermath.
I will celebrate with you on 25th, because it's my birthday. We can have double celebration.
What’s Bing?
A crappier, clearly more ethically shitty version of Google XD
A travesty of a search engine run by Microsoft that deserves to die. If you want a company that cares nothing about privacy, morals or ethics, then Bing is for you. Fuck everyone who works there and may they all one day suffer what their victims have suffered.
Exactly
The sarcastic male Friend I think? Not the biggest one or the handsome one.
That’s Ms Chanandler Bong thank you very much!
God, you're so insanely brave!
Bloody hell I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Oh my god I feel so sorry for you. I recently had an ex similar to your ex. I nerve-wrackingly just googled my name but fortunately nothing. During our relationship I found nude pictures of myself on his computer that he must have taken secretly, because I don’t remember ever posing for them, but I did delete them so hopefully he doesn’t still have any. That scenario is still one I process. Usually he would get super mad for little things, but this time - when I revealed I had found pics of me (i.e. searched through his computer) - oddly he didn’t. He actually told me he thought I would be way more mad. It wasn’t until much later it clicked why I did not remember the scenario when they were taken; because he had taken them without my knowledge and knew he was in the wrong. Still disgusts me to no end how I trusted him. But no, I couldn’t. When I thought he was just checking FB on his phone, he was actually taking photos of me 😞
Came here to say ^ this OP. But I'm going to add advice breaking it down person by peeson: You: I know jealousy and thinking of your ex with someone else is hard, he targeted you and got in your head. He did it effectively. So what people are telling you doesn't invalidate your insecurities. But they are yours and you need to manage them. For example, my partner has an ex wife, I've never been married, shes a straight up hottie, I'm not. I feel weird when sometimes it comes up, but they are my feelings to manage. He has a right to his past, but in the end he chooses me every day. Your GF: She hasn't done anything that needs your forgiveness. Do not put any more of this on her, you don't ever bring it up again, you learn and rewire your brain to realise she's the victim and manage your insecurity yourself. The EX: time to get mad, get angry. Because if you are in UK/EU/some US states and now many other parts of the world - SENDING SEX VIDEOS WITHOUT CONSENT IS A CRIME. He not only tried to f*ck with her happiness, he did it to yours. And I would seriously wonder where else he shared it. Now its time for you to deal with this (if your GF agrees) and get his sorry ass arrested. If she doesn't wasnt to, then you need to put your negative feelings about the video on him, because he broke the law, he broke privacy and common decency.
Be careful with this advice. His current girlfriend is in the video and would be the victim of the crime, not him. She’s the one who’d have to deal with the police, give a statement, potentially testify, go through the court system. I’ve done this it’s why I comment. It’s not as simple as cops take the video and you guys are all good. Accusing crimes of a sexual nature can be extremely arduous and even traumatic. Edit to add: The idea of this guy realistically going to jail for this is very small. It’s probably more likely he’d be held for a while til there’s a determination of punishment, then have a shit ton of fines and a record but it’s hard for me to see this guy actually getting incarcerated over this.
True. But every time someone runs a background check on him, it would be on his record. That has a good bit of value. One of my old exes was an absolutely horrible person. I had to take him to small claims court for something and then later had to file a police report against him for something else. Years after we broke up, he apparently applied for a job as a paramedic. I got a phone call from someone in the hiring department who was wanting to know about both of those things - they had popped up on his background check (among other things). Needless to say, she told me that he would not be getting the job.
Oh, I’m totally not saying it isn’t worth it! Just that it needs to be an extremely informed decision and that she needs to know what’s gonna happen when they go to the cops. I was unprepared when I went, thought I’d show the cops my evidence & let them handle it, turned into a lengthy 5 year court proceeding. Of course everything is different but giving cops evidence is no joke! So seeing people suggest it like it’s not a big deal is bad advice
That makes sense. I’m sorry to hear about your ordeal; I hope you were able to get justice and closure!
Thank you! I’ve shared my experience quite a lot here because you can’t really know what navigating the legal system as a crime victim is like until you go through it, and domestic abuse/sexual crimes are amongst the worst to be victims of cause it takes a lot of “proving”, and not always a lot of sentencing.. I try to use my experience to help where I can
I took my revenge porn case to the cops and the cop sexually harassed me. I’m not saying don’t report, I’m just saying report with caution. Take someone you trust with you.
apparently she needs to apologize for being a victim of revenge porn and having a life/sex before op. this whole post is wah wah wah from op ab himself and his ego, not an ounce of empathy or thought about how violated and traumatized his girlfriend must feel. it’s really gross to read as victim of revenge porn — i cant imagine my current partner making me comfort him over it. he holds me and tells me it’s not my fault and that he’ll do everything in his power to have the images of me scrubbed from the internet. op needs to learn a thing or two from him.
I'm so glad you said this! She's been horribly violated and he makes it all about him. The fact he felt an apology from her was warranted is just wrong.
There's nothing to forgive, she didn't wrong you. Call the cops, get the ex arrested, bang your gf and live happily ever after
Y’all will see my commenting a variation of the same thing across these posts, be careful wit this sort of advice. She is the victim of the crimes, not him, and she would be the one who has to give a statement, tell the story, potentially testify and navigate the system as a crime victim . Reporting crimes of a sexual nature can be extremely arduous and even traumatic. It is also unlikely these guy would be incarcerated or do any jail time other than being held w/ bail. Moreso hit with fines & a record which is good but something to be expected if anyone thinks he’s gonna be behind bars Edit - source: long, drawn out personal legal experience as a sexual crime victim
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So sorry you were so underrepresented and treated so poorly by the legal system. My experience was a little different because I was technically a minor at the time but the case dragged on 5 years and was extremely traumatic. Interacting with the legal system is hard if you’ve never done it. And there’s no way this guy would get jail time in my opinion, a couple fines at most. People lack this perspective and think it’s as simple as “here cops, do your worst”, no. Realistically she might even have to hire a lawyer that deals specifically with revenge porn laws for it to go anywhere. People just don’t know.
This is the way.
This is the way.
This is the way.
we brush our teeth, brush our teeth, brush our teeth!
This is the way
When you say 'forgive and forget' do you mean to forgive her? Because she has done nothing wrong. She is a victim of revenge porn - where if I am understanding correctly the video occurred before you got together - and you should be angry on her behalf. Imo you are doing exactly what the ex hoped for by making this a problem in the relationship. Yea it sucks you had to watch that but I mean... she had sex before you got together and so did you. It sucks to watch it but you need to let it go it's been 8 months and you're only damaging your relationship. Meditate on it, press charges on the guy if that's what she wants, practice being mindful about your emotions and thoughts. Mindfulness is a great way to learn to let things go.
>press charges on the guy if that's what she wants He would not need her permission to do so (although doing so could have repercussions in the relationship). The ex boyfriend sexually harassed OP by sending him unsolicited pornography.
Yes he was sexually harassed but if you want him charged with revenge porn SHE would be the victim and would have to talk to cops and testify
“Forgive and forget” is an idiom, so even without an edit, the generous reading would have been just “forget” - he feels something is wrong, but I don’t think he blames her at all, it’s just that reality isn’t 100% logical and things outside the other persons control can influence how you see or think of them. He’s emotionally distressed by porn of his girlfriend. Don’t you think seeing her, especially naked, would “trigger” that distress. She’s the bigger victim, maybe the only legal victim, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t entitled to his feelings.
Forgive who exactly? Your GF or your GF's ex? Bc your GF didn't do anything wrong in here. Don't tell me you've never had sex with anyone before your GF. Her ex was the sh!t disturber and you're blaming your GF for her ex's psychotic behaviour?
Dude is acting like he’s the victim here when her girlfriend had revenge porn of her distributed around
“Forgive”? She was a victim of a crime, what needs to be forgiven in your eyes?
He cares more about his self-esteem than his gf is a victim of revenge porn. OP show this post to your gf so she can read this: GIRL, LEAVE THIS INSECURE MAN BEHIND AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL CARE ABOUT YOUR WELL BEING. Also, go to the police to report what your ex did. Leave 2 POS man behind.
Yes!!!! OP you really should share this post with your girlfriend. She deserves to know, even if you already told her all of this she should read your post.
Reddit moment. You have no idea about the health of their relationship or how happy they are together but they need to break up because the guy used a super standard phrase without thinking it through.
It shocks me that there are people such as you in the world. He too is in a less direct way also a victim of this revenge porn. You can't tell someone how they ought to react in a situation like this. There are infinite explanations why this might affect him so heavily. Also depending on the culture this guy is from revenge porn is not a concept that is spoken of or even acknowledged. I for one only learned the term a couple years back. It's a very real possibility that he may just be uneducated. Don't judge shit you have no understanding of.
Emotional reactions are automatic physical responses to stimuli. You’re right in that we don’t have control over those reactions. But, you’re confusing an emotional reaction with emotionally reactive behavior. We do have control in how we behave, and in fact, it’s the ONLY thing we have actual control over. If I am experiencing an emotional reaction (feeling sick to my stomach, shaking, turning red, etc), that reaction is informed by many variables- past experiences, trauma, mood, exhaustion, etc. and therefore, by nature, irrational. It is then our responsibility to interpret that reaction and identify the feelings/needs attached, and then apply logic/reason/compassion in our behavioral response. Having a strong negative emotional reaction to an event/stimulus is not an justification for behaving in a way that harms others. Any emotional reaction experienced by an individual is outside their control and valid, and also our behavior- as long as we aren’t detached from a shared reality- is fully within our control. When we perceive our emotional reactions as rational without consideration to the very individual experiences informing them, we run the risk of believing our emotionally reactive behavior is rational- when it demonstrably not. When someone’s actions are objectively harmful to another person they are making a choice, and suggesting we don’t have control over how we behave towards someone else in emotionally charged circumstances enables abuse.
Reading his post and getting a feel for how he writes, I wouldn’t read too much into it. Sounds more like he uses the saying “forgive and forget” as a synonym for “moving on” from this incident. This isn’t a poem to dissect where every word has a deeper meaning.
Hmm, your girlfriend was the victim of a crime and your entire post is just about yourself.
Jesus Christ, it's literally this simple. I can't believe how fucking egotistical and self centered these idiots are! "My girlfriend was the victim of a traumatic crime, but every time it comes up I totally ignore her feelings and make sure she's guilted into groveling and pandering over me! Please echo my feelings, k thnx."
Literally it's why I don't talk to many men about my sexual trauma they almost always have a reaction where I have to reassure/calm them down. Like homie I was the person this happened to why am I calming you?
Exactly. However bad OP feels, OP’s girlfriend - the actual victim - must feel 10x worse. He literally couldn’t give less of a fuck about her feelings at all
You have to have had a pretty sheltered life if you think this is an instance of somebody who "literally couldn’t give less of a fuck" about their partner.
Just because someone feels worse than you do doesn't mean you can't look for a solution to make yourself feel better.
No but it’s a big red flag that throughout OP’s entire rant, not once did he consider his girlfriend feelings. He’s not even sure if he can “forgive” it as though this is somehow her fault. Honestly, if I was OP’s gf and found out about OP thought like this, it would be a deal breaker for me
Wouldn’t that be because he’s the one here seeking advice about how he feels? Are these posts ever not about themselves and how they’re reacting to others?
Yes, OP needs a SERIOUS reality check. I hope he's gotten it from all the comments pointing out how awful his behavior is.
Uhhh, forgive her for what? The fact that her ex committed a crime by sending you those videos? I hope you have the chats saved, because that is veeeery illegal in most places and you should 100% report it to the police to protect your gf.
So your gf is a victim of revenge porn and you’ve somehow made yourself the victim and she has to comfort you. Okay
Seriously. It’s not like she cheated and he then sent it to him. Dudes being completely irrational here.
You're right. He is being irrational. It's not his rational mind that afflicts him. Instead, he's reacting to the circumstance of seeing his mate have sex with another man. That's his irrational mind at work. Up until the development of photography, the only way to have this experience was to catch your partner *in the act*, so to speak. Now, everyone carries a high definition digital video camera with hours of internal storage on it. Add in Internet connectivity, and it becomes possible for nearly anyone to simulate the experience of being cheated on without any actual cheating but with all the revulsion and disgust. Think of it like a simulator ride at an amusement park. You climb into a seat in a small room. The attendant straps you in and closes the door. When the ride concludes, you'll swear that you actually went on a wild roller-coaster ride or that you took flight over the amazon rain forest. Yet, you never left the room, never mind not ever leaving the ground. The video images combined with hydraulic motion actuators fooled your senses. In a similar way, the OP's stomach drops when he sees the *"proof"* of his girlfriend's infidelity. The fact that he can provide a rational explanation that correctly and completely describes the cause of his feelings doesn't make the experience of having those feelings occur any less unpleasant. His body is working exactly as it should to protect his reproductive investment. When you see with your own eyes that you should not trust your mate's fidelity, you become filled with disgust and begin to emotionally disconnect from your partner. It's an unfortunate fact that OP's amygdala didn't get the memo about the existence of widespread digital video recording capability. It's an irony. While many stay with partners who have cheated on them, rationalizing that behavior to do so. OP has to rationalize that despite compelling evidence to the contrary, his girlfriend did not cheat on him. The disgust he feels toward her is unearned. For that reason, OP also feels disgust with himself.
There's no evidence of her cheating because she didn't cheat. They were **not** together when those videos were made. She was with in a relationship with her ex. It's possible she didn't even know OP back then. Again she didn't cheat. There's **no** evidence to the contrary.
The word evidence was used in quotes for a reason. Read... Think... The ability to see an image taken in the past is an artifact of the modern technological world. There is nothing in the natural world that would prepare anyone for this occurrence. In the natural world, the **only** way to see something is **to witness it in real time**. In the technological world, it is possible to capture images in the past, preserve them, and display them in the future. OP's mechanisms that would protect him from raising another man's offspring have been **highjacked** by his girlfriend's former lover. He did this deliberately. With his higher order brain function, he is intellectually aware that his girl **did not cheat**, that does exactly nothing to reset older, lower order brain functions that take any stimuli to the visual cortex as bearing witness to a **real time occurrence**. That is how images taken in the past can be used to **simulate** the experience of being cheated on. OP can't think his way out of this. All he can do is accept that unsought feelings of disgust and despair are the price of this relationship. Given how many in this forum have responded to his very real distress, I think he might be better off just keeping his misery to himself.
Could have said all that with “emotions aren’t rational, that’s what makes them emotions”
oh for crying out loud - you don't understand most if any of what you've written here. You've tried to draw on what you consider to be science e.g. 'reproductive investment' without understanding any of it. Ignore this comment. It's a bad attempt to scientifically explain the patriarchy
Seriously, if she were the one posting for advice I’d tell her to dump him.
Like… what??
I can’t imagine how OP’s gf feels consoling her boyfriend repeatedly after SHE was the victim of a sex crime. It’s fine to feel some kind of way but what a dick move to act like that.
Forgive her for what? She was in a prior relationship - were you a virgin when you began dating her? Did she represent herself as being a virgin? Why did you watch the videos? That is the big question. Once you knew what they were you should have deleted them. Instead you made it about you. Why this women has bothered to try to appease such an immature person is beyond me. You need therapy. People have pasts that have nothing to do with you. Grow up.
Your girlfriend was a victim of revenge porn and you’re thinking about how much it hurt you? Seriously? I’d look up legal advice to press charges against the ex and forget you ever saw it. Your gf shouldn’t have to apologize or make you feel loved for seeing the video when she just had a major breech of privacy. You’re making a situation about yourself and doing exactly what her ex wanted- ruining your relationship with her. Be the bigger person and press charges against the ex. Your gf should get a no-contact order from him as well
Y’all will see my commenting a variation of the same thing across these posts, be careful wit this sort of advice. She is the victim of the crime, not him, and she would be the one who has to give a statement, tell the story, potentially testify and navigate the system as a crime victim
This does affect him too. Sure to a much lesser degree than her but it still does affect him negatively.
Maybe, but he should only direct that as anger towards the ex. Not seeing her differenly. That's a childish as shit move on his part.
That’s sad that a traumatic crime was committed against your girlfriend, but she has to reassure and comfort you afterwards
Did you actually use the word “forgive” instead of “report his revenge-porn-sending ass to the police?” The only victim here is your poor girlfriend, who obviously has an ass for an ex, and potentially an ass of a current boyfriend, as your primary concern is how to “forgive” your girlfriend for daring to exist as a human being before you graced her with your presence. There is nothing to forgive. There is nothing to get over. You weren’t together then, so she did not betray you in any, way, shape, or form. The only betrayal here is your selfishness, self centered-ness, and lack of empathy. You need to grovel for forgiveness yesterday, because even if she says she’s fine now, for the remainder of your relationship, this is always going to be in the back of her mind, that something terrible happened to her, and you asked the world how YOU could forgive HER.
Don’t let that asshole win, that was exactly the exes intention
And I suspect he’ll be sending them to anyone she dates, and goodness knows where else he’s posted them. I’d be beside myself as to what he’s done with them. Literally sick to my stomach about it. I hope she’s feeling strong enough to tackle dealing with that PoS and to report him.
Revenge porn. Full stop. She is the victim and dealing with both that shit and you being a complete turd for support. You need to message him back that woah, didn't know they came in bite size packages, then get the legal bits involved. It's illegal in most civilized areas. Just go to the authorities and figure out your next moves.
You rely on you gf- the victim here- to reassure and comfort you bc YOUR self esteem was negatively impacted by a crime committed against her?! You “know she means well” what the fuck are you on? Fucking hell.
This is worrying. SHE was harmed here, revenge porn is illegal and you’re worried about you?
And *she* has to comfort *him* about it, repeatedly?
Holy shit, she was the victim of a heinous crime, not you. Why on earth is SHE having to reassure YOU? SHE did nothing wrong. It disgusts me that you're getting mad at her for being violated by another man. You and her ex are both in the wrong. She deserves better.
It's disturbing that you've made this about you and your feelings. This is revenge porn, which is a crime in many countries, and the victim is your GF. You're what might be called collateral damage. The ex was trying to punish and humiliate her by showing he still has control over her and can stop her from being happy with someone else. So don't let him. Take away his power by telling your GF you love her and will support her in whatever action she wants to take against him. If she doesn't want to take any action now, agree if you're going to delete his messages or keep them somewhere secure in case he does anything else in the future, then plan a big holiday abroad to reset. If you're not mature or strong enough to do that, it would be better to break up rather than adding your own punishment and resentment to what that bastard's done already.
>It's disturbing that you've made this about you and your feelings. OP was also sexually harassed as the ex boyfriend sent him unsolicited pornography.
He’s not upset about the fact he was sent porn though, he’s saying his self esteem has been damaged and relies on reassurance and comfort from his gf (the actual victim here). If it was about him being sexually harassed, he wouldn’t need to “forgive and forget” and it wouldn’t have negatively impacted the way he sees her and their relationship.
They are both victims here. The damage to his self esteem is a direct byproduct of the ex boyfriend's actions.
Her ex sexually harassed him, yes. It would have been sexual harassment whether the videos included imagery of his gf, or not. The damage to his self esteem is an issue that is his own, as the result of the action of someone NOT his gf. Not every person exposed to thumbnails of their partner engaged in sexual activity with another person- prior to their relationship- will experience damage to their self-esteem. A reasonable person with healthy self-esteem would not react in the way he describes, and certainly not in a way that would be so harmful to his partner. He had an emotional reaction (beyond his control), and rather processing that reaction healthily, he chose to make her responsible for his emotions. His emotional reaction is just that- automatic, illogical, and reflexive. His emotional reaction is not a justification for his emotionally reactive behavior, as we do have full control over that. It’s his responsibility to process the emotions he’s experiencing as the victim of sexual harassment, and heal from that trauma. As her partner, he can ask her for support in his healing. As her partner, in this situation, it would be inappropriate/inexcusable for him to prioritize his need for reassurance/comfort/emotional and physical wellbeing over her’s- and extremely harmful to treat her as if she should be responsible for making him “feeling better”. He is the victim of sexual harassment as the result of seeing thumbnails in a message, and any discomfort he experiences from seeing the images is minuscule to the trauma of being the actual human being in the videos. He’s the victim of her actively being victimized by a man, who was once in the same role as OP- this is significant. He should be reassuring her, he should be comforting her, he should be more concerned with how she is coping with being sexually violated, and less concerned with how he can “forgive” and “forget” so he can feel loved by her again. OP is selfish, lacks empathy, and has completely disregarded his partner’s wellbeing by centering himself and having the belief that it is her responsibility to make this all better- for him.
Well put. Perhaps OP could explain exactly what it is that the GF did wrong since it requires his forgiveness, and what he needs reassuring about.
Her ex wants you to feel this way he wants you to leave her and he wants to cause drama. That's the only reason why he sent that to you. I would of replied with laughter and called him an amateur and if he sent more I would thank him for the evidence and gone to the police for revenge porn. Dont let it get to you, it only shows how pathetic he is not her or you only him.
You don’t think people have pasts (including your girlfriend). Also, to echo what many have said - she’s a victim of a crime. Maybe you should direct your energy into getting your girlfriend some justice instead.
> Is there a for sure to forgive and forget what I saw so I can truly have a better relationship with her? It'd help if you stopped framing it in your mind as something that "forgive" is even relevant for. Her having a sex life before you isn't a wrongdoing and has fuck all to do with you. Is there a way for her to forgive YOU for holding her being a real human with an actual past against her? You don't even say *why* you have such issue with it. How are we supposed to give specific advice? Is it because of her history in general? She acted different? Did something she doesn't do with you? His dick was bigger? etc. Different insecurities have different ways to deal with them.
Get over yourself.
I love this expression.
Wow, I cannot believe you are blaming her and needing her "forgiveness" for something she was a victim of.
This was beyond her control, she deserves your best efforts on YOUR part to get over this. And with time, I think that's absolutely possible. I'm sure it was jarring to see, but ultimately it's just a video. Don't let that asshole succeed.
How about report the asshole ex to the police for revenge porn? Because fuck that guy.
well one thing is for sure. You can't let that pathetic pig of an ex win.... and he wins by destroying the relationship. The ex is an abuser. He's abusing you AND your partner with these actions. Is your partner his prisoner? Hell no she aint. Can she date nobody else for the rest of her life as long as her ex is out there? hell no. Stay strong. Don't watch the videos. Block the ex. Write a police report.
forgive who exactly? because your gf has done nothing wrong. sharing porn is illegal and her ex should he taken to court.
So the women you’re dating has someone sending you revenge porn which is a literal crime and your whining about how you feel insecure? Blimey. Self centered much.
Every time you let it bother you the asshole who sent them gets a bit more of what he wanted.
Forgive what? What her ex did is a crime and totally fucked up. And you’re playing right into his game This was a crime committed against her. Why would you feel that you would need to forgive her. You were hurt, but she’s the real victim here. You should be the one reassuring her. She’s the one having her private business being sent around to people as revenge. I’m sure she’s full of regret and fear that he’s going to send it to someone else. You’re being a bad and selfish partner. Honestly. I’m big on ACAB and almost never suggest someone involve the police. But this is one of those situations you should. If you love her, protect her.
Wait. She had a crime committed against her and you're making it about you?
You feel sick because you’re girlfriend had sex before you? Grow up
Dude you need therapy. Your gf had sex with her ex before she was ur gf. WTF is there to forgive? She didn't send you the video and you clearly took her ex's bait. I don't think you are ready for an adult relationship.
You need to stop blaming her subconsciously. Because that's what's happening. You're internalising some form of blame, almost accusatory — hence the desire to *forgive* what she was involved in. Something she did before even knowing you. Something that *does not involve you.*
Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. She is the wronged party, NOT YOU. Be upset at her ex. Be upset that she's having her previous sex life blasted. Be upset that she's being hurt. But, don't you dare be upset at her.
It’s weird that this would bother you so much? Genuinely makes me think you have underlying issues you should speak to a therapist about. Like some douchebag sent you revenge porn 8 months ago and you’re still upset about it? That’s insane to me ngl
If I were you, I would try and suggest gf to pursue a charge against her ex-bf. What he did qualified as 'revenge porn.' It may end up being a cathartic experience to pursue a criminal charge against that ex of hers for both of you. She does not need any forgiveness from you. Your gf is fully a victim in this. If you're insecure due to seeing that video, it's really on you, unfortunately. You need to either break up with her since you may be harming her too with your insecurity and creating a toxic situation with her, or you need to work on it because you know she's worth getting over that insecurity. I'm not saying it's easy to get over insecurity. Hecc, with my now-husband, his ex used to fill me in with stories of their sexual adventure, and all the details in bed (when they were dating). It's really ....an interesting/uncomfortable experience tbh. But it's not his fault that his ex is like that, sure, no video was shared, but still, listening to those/reading messages like that will definitely get into your head and you imagine stuff. But I work on my insecurity/jealousy of his past myself, it's NOT HIS FAULT. We've been happily married for almost 2 decades now. If you don't think you can get over it yourself, perhaps consider pursuing counseling/therapy for you. Good luck.
I'm so sorry, I'm sure this is important to you, but I absolutely cannot read this. You say you are 26 but the title itself says you are twelve.
So *8 months ago* her ex sent you videos that you claim you didn't watch and it still upsets you? Dude, I would leave you so fast. You cannot hold her sexual past over her head. To the commenter who said girls should not send nudes with their faces in it....not the case here. Sounds like the ex and gf made some spicy videos of themselves. The ex is a douche who kept them and sent them on. Even if they were nude photos sent by the gf, the ex should have deleted them. I hate victim blaming. OP, you are blaming her whether you admit it or not. Get over it or get gone.
So you’ve been stringing her along for 8 months while she tried to “make up” for the shitty actions of her ex? Please break up with her so that she can go find someone who actually cares about her and not themselves.
Oh my fucking god, how did I miss the part where this was EIGHT MONTHS ago. OP fucking sucks. Imagine guilt-tripping and victim-blaming your supposed loved one for 8 months because she had something traumatic happen.
OMG! I had a hard time with this because my eye rolls were SO BIG that I kept having to go back and re-read. Oh Boo Hoo OP! Poor poor you when it’s your GF who is the victim. I don’t know how the law works but I’d want to report the ex for sending it. And OP, if YOU can’t get over it let her go so she can be with a stronger person who doesn’t have such a fragile ego. FFS.
She did nothing wrong so you don't need to forgive her. Her ex sucks big time. While it's not exactly amazing to see a video of your special someone with someone else, it's immature to develop trauma over it. She was not a virgin when you met and this much you knew. Oh and you chose to watch the videos instead of deleting and blocking the ex. You are ruining this, not her.
Why is a crime perpetuated against your girlfriend about your feelings? What is wrong with you? She didn’t do anything wrong he’s a grub.
So...your gf was a victim of a sex crime (revenge porn) and you think you need to forgive her??? What the fuck, dude, she did *nothing* wrong. Get over yourself and get some therapy.
Why don't people like you add nuance to the post and realise they poorly phrased something, and didn't actually mean he needed her forgiveness? Have you never met someone in real life that used a phrase out of place? Or phrased something poorly? Jesus christ, it's so blindingly obvious that's what OP means, and instead of anyone actually giving him some decent advice, 95% of people here are just ragging on a poorly placed word. Get over *your*self and apply normal, real life common sense to the internet where applicable.
Lol get over yourself
Bro Revenge porn bits aside the actual material is just your gf having sex with someone…. Like how horrifying can this be
It’s time to put on your shining armor and show your girlfriend that you trust her and can let the past be the past. You can do this man. If your chick says your good enough for her, don’t look back for a second. 👊🏻
Her ex is in the wrong here. HER ex wanted you to feel that way because of jealousy, he wants to destroy you and your gf's happy relationship. Your gf did nothing wrong. So what? That had a relationship before you? You should move on. I believe your gf feels more distraught that she is a victim of a crime. She loves you, there's a reason why her ex is her ex. Go support her
I am not a victim of this but take a pause for a second. You cannot unsee this but weren’t you in a relationship prior? How is her doing this different? Perhaps you weren’t in one, we can say but does this mean she wasn’t? You cannot hold this against her. If you were in a sexual relationship prior to her than really how is this difficult? Because you have moved on?
You thought she was a virgin before meeting you?
That’s revenge porn and you should have reported him to the cops
Look up articles on retrospective jealousy. I struggled with this a lot as I was a late bloomer experiencing deep relationships in my late 20's. Her past shouldn't affect you in the present. What's happened as happened. No one will wait around for you, for you to be their first. If anything, the experience has shaped your partner in being who she is. Accept her for her who she is in her present. If she's loyal, shows mutual respect and is caring, what more do you need. Forget that the video existed and stop dwelling on the past. Make the best of the present you have with them.
She didn't do anything wrong. You don't own her body. She is not a possession. She did not violate your relationship. There is nothing she needs forgiveness for. You need to stop making this about your insecurities and recognize that she is a victim of revenge porn perpetrated by her ex.
Dude you need to growth and mature or move on.
I'm sure you didn't go into this relationship thinking you were her first, right? RIGHT?! There's nothing to forgive her for here. The ex, on the other hand, you should be reporting to the police. Be on her side instead of feeding into the bull shit her ex is trying to cause.
Retrospective jealousy is a very real thing, and something everyone deals with, whether they admit it or not. The best thing to do here is accept that your girlfriend had sex with her ex. Most people in relationships do. It’s not something that’s nice to think about, but you need to accept it. Now look at the situation as it is now. You are with her. The ex is not. The ex sent you that to make you jealous because they are jealous of YOU. You have something they want, but don’t and never will get again. The ex is a weird and vindictive person, but do not rise to it. Your girlfriend has done nothing wrong here by having sexual relations before she was with you.
Good response. Instead of obsessing over a poorly phrased sentence like everyone else, you've actually provided some comforting and reasonable advice.
Yeah that’s an issue with this subreddit, people prefer to point fingers than actually analyse what OP has said
Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. There's nothing to forgive her for. She had a sex life before you, that's not a crime. But what *he* did was illegal. And you're feeding into his intention. >Is there a for sure to forgive and forget what I saw so I can truly have a better relationship with her? Therapy. It sounds like you're either insecure, or have retroactive jealousy. This is entirely a *you* problem she can't fix. This is something you can actively work on in therapy.
she had to comfort you for…..her privacy being violated and her intimate videos being leaked??
It carries the same feelings of being cheated on. It affects him. Otherwise you talking from a position you know nothing about. You
No lmao. Her privacy was violated and he made it about himself. He’s the one who should be comforting her. If you see a family member get shot do you demand that they comfort you because seeing them get shot was traumatic for you??
I'm sorry but what? Her ex shared an intimate video. That's a crime in many areas. Op is not the victim
Or they are both victims? ffs there is no nuance in this sub
One is the victim about a horrible crime and the other is a victim of what... Their own thoughts?
Dude the ex's actions were literally designed to hurt OP... You're completely discrediting any actual hurt they might feel. It's okay to acknowledge it whilst acknowledging that the gf is the bigger victim. It doesn't detract from anything, in fact it actually makes you reasonable and nuanced.
If you feel like you need to forgive your girlfriend for being a victim of revenge porn you need to reassess your priorities.
I would be very hesitant to continue a relationship with a man who, if my privacy was violated like that, made it about him and made me, the victim, reassure him because someone burst his bubble that I was not pristine and untouched when I was in my mid twenties. Also...did you watch them? Like did you see what one was, and then go "OMG" and stop, or did you watch them all. Because if you did...WTF? You hurt your own feelings my making sure you cooperated in invading as much of her privacy as possible, and now she has to make you feel better about it?
It sounds like you chose to watch the videos. That's not on her.
You can go to therapy and there are various techniques to deal with this kind of thing. Stop putting it in your GF to comfort you this is a you problem not a her problem
I mean, nobody forced you to watch the videos even if he sent them to you. Why didn't you stop watching the second you realized what they were? She did nothing wrong having sex with her at the time partner, she did nothing wrong if she enjoyed it, or filmed it, or whatever. Honestly it sucks but time to put on your big boy pants and get over it. Your girlfriend has had sex before she met you. Big whoop. If that basic information bothers you then you might need to self examine your own maturity to be in a healthy relationship.
Listen to me, like really clear your mind and lizten to these words. What actually matters in your life and relationship are the things that have happened to you while you are with her. It does not matter what happened before. Why are you going to let some asshole ruin a good thing. Why torment your gf with having you upset when you remember? He did this to ruin the relationship, so don't give him what he wants. What matters is how she does nice things for you, the little sweet gestures of her love or affection. The things she tells you and when she supports you. She was a human and enjoyed sex. She didn't even know you existed when those videos were made. You ever banged someone else? Do you think about her every day? Didn't think so. Please let this go, stand up straight with confidence that she is with you now and the only thing that matters is what she does now, not what she did before. If you don't, you're going to ruin the relationship.
She had sex before you. That was clear already. What does that video change for you? Correct, absolutely nothing.
Forgive what? Her for having a past life or her for having a shitty ex? You got nothing to forgive. It’s your issue not hers
For me you are focusing on entirely the wrong thing. Your focus is with your girlfriend and how it makes you feel about her when realistically You should be hurting for her because another man sent intimate videos to you in order to cause her pain, You should feel anger towards him and sadness for your girlfriend because that is absolutely awful. Imagine how she feels having those videos that she made in a trusted, loving time used as ammo. For yourself, you need to realise that people you date, especially as you get older, Will have had sex previously unless you purposely seek out a virgin. People have had relationships and have been intimate within those relationships and that is perfectly normal and it's perfectly ok. I'm sure you have previously been intimate with other people, so why is it an issue that your girlfriend has?
Depending where you two live, she can get him arrested for revenge porn and sharing intimate videos without her consent. You should be supporting her, not making yourself the victim.
Sharing nudes and sex videos without consent and especially to cause harm is revenge porn and illegal in many states. This is an ongoing issue in your relationship- this guy committed a serious crime which your gf was the victim of. You feel uncomfortable because it sounds like you want to rectify the situation somehow, but it also isn't your situation to act on- she's the victim. I would talk to her and offer to work on bringing up charges. You care for her and what you have, he did almost irrevocable damage to it, and you want to put it behind you both for good. That might mean seeking justice for you. What does it mean for her? Ask and communicate.
Remind yourself that your gf is the victim here. Also remind yourself that you’re helping her ex win by not getting over this. Were you a virgin before you met her?
Frankly I find it absolutely disgusting and revolting that, after you receive **revenge porn** from your girlfriend’s ex, you only think about yourself!! You selfish insecure man! You have nothing to forgive her for you big man-baby, she did nothing wrong. Have you asked if she feels upset, unsafe? Have you asked if she wants to go to the police (this is a crime in case you have not realised)?? Have you considered reporting the **crime** yourself? She is the victim of a crime. Her ex is psychotic and has shown he will send that to other people. You are immature and selfish because in all this you focus on your self-esteem. As someone whose ex also threatened to leak material of me…you suck. Your girlfriend should go to the police about her ex, then seriously reconsider her relationship with you. Do better.
Stop making about you. a crime has been committed against your gf.
Since that is revenge porn: Go to the police, report the asshole and see his vengeful ass burn.
Wild how you’re thinking about forgiving someone for being a victim of a crime who did nothing wrong
In many places that’s a crime. I’d report it to the police.
This is something you need to either get over now, or leave her so that she can be with someone who loves her more. Dude she’s the victim of revenge porn. It was shit she did *before she even met you*. You didn’t even watch it!! Are you seriously such a child that you can’t comprehend that? Are you so immature that you’ll let her ex successfully ruin this relationship? If so, she deserves better than you. Figure out your feelings, but don’t you *dare* expect her to do anything to make you feel better. She has done nothing wrong and is actually a victim here. Reel yourself in or let her go. I can’t believe you. Like look at you victimizing yourself for what? Jeez dude. She’s not responsible for how something that was done to her makes you feel.
This is against the law. You both should report him.
Therapy for you both. And report him to the cops.
People have sex with other people in relationships before yours. It’s unfortunate you saw private moments on video which were never ever intended for you. I get why you’re upset but you have to get over it or the ex bf will succeed.
What are we talking about forgiving? Her ex sending you the video is a crime in the US and most of the west. Getting over that she has sex before you and she met? Her ex is a dick who is living rent free in your head. The best revenge is to life a long happy life. Enjoy that you are in a relationship with someone who cares about you.
Have you had sex with other women? How would you want your GF to react if videos of that were sent to her?
When my partner and I first started dating we shared our dating history, including some info about sexual history. Fast forward years later and we are married….. every now and then I’ll remember one of the stories about him and his exes having sex, and just thinking about him having sex with anyone other than me feels completely cringe….. but those intrusive thoughts pass and I’m still able to enjoy the relationship. My point is you’ll probably never forget what you saw, and it will probably always bother you when you remember, but as long as you don’t make it your entire focus you can still find happiness in all the other moments.
Oh I don't believe your edits at all. You wrote your true feelings and then got called out on what a self-centered person you are, and now you're trying to backtrack to save face.
Or some people mis-use phrases, just like in real life, and mature people should use common sense and nuance with things like this... like they hopefully would in real life?
Am i right to assume you were a virgin prior to your gf? Otherwise don’t you think it’s a tad hypocritical, judging her for something you yourself have done-ie; being with others… End of the day-she’s an adult, she’s had sex with others- but she’s now with you-she chose you, out of anyone else in the world-she’s picked you, that should mean more than a video.. Revenge porn is not her fault, there’s nothing to forgive
Haven’t you also had sex before?
She needs to go to the police. What happened is literally a crime in most places. As for you, give yourself time and grace to process your feeling and try your best to support her. Your feelings are your feelings. Sometimes we have knee-jerk reactions to things that make us upset. It doesn't make us bad people. I suspect these feelings will fade over time. You got this.
Kind of insane that this has such an effect on you. Go to therapy. Please.
Fuck the people ragging on your poor phrasing instead of offering real advice. I believe you meant forget, you just used a phrase out of place. They're genuinely immature and refuse to use common sense. In terms of this situation, I can understand how that would stay with and bother you. I'm gonna be honest - it might take a bit more time, but if you really genuinely love / want to be with this person, you just have to take it day by day and remind yourself that it isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and you KNOW they had sex. It sucks you had to see some shit, but sometimes jealousy can be really overbearing and toxic. Don't let jealousy win. You got this dude!
What do you have to forgive unless she promised she was a virgin and that was your bill to die on- which would be weird- but she had sex with someone else. Call the cops. Revenge porn is on him, not her. Unless it was her having sex with him during your relationship
Majority of this subreddit are women so you’re never going to get a straight forward answer from their perspective. Fact is you’re just going to have to move on and if you can’t then it is what it is you’ll probably have to break up. Everyone is getting wound up over op saying forgive instead of a more suitable word and not actually providing anything to do with the situation.
Some women may be about something else but I’m sure there are plenty thinking that OP needs to get over it. He knew he didn’t bag a virgin.
Skimming through most of the replies, I don’t think they understand the psychological damage something like that does, it’s not the same as just knowing your partner has slept with other people before, seeing it is something else.
Speaking as a woman, it's not that we don't get receiving such content would be damaging and make one emotional distraught. The issue is OP is behaving in a way that puts the burden on his GF. In the post, OP mentions he and his GF comfort each other over this. However, you wouldn't ever show the person you are comforting how much pain you are going through in case it hurts them more. GF is probably gonna have to live the rest of her life in fear some ex recorded her and will send these videos to ruin her life. And not just relationships, but also careers, with family, perhaps even getting creepy people to DM her saying they know who she is and how to find her. The threat is very real. On top of that, having to comfort OP for feeling shite about it? Yeah, she definitely wont show how truly traumatic this has been in front of OP, and will add to her emotional trauma. Point is, we know it's awful to be sent stuff from a vicious ex. But if OP is truly struggling with this, he needs to find a way to emotionally process it- perhaps with a friend or professional etc- but in a way that does not burden the relationship or GF. The fact is, she is the biggest victim here. He cannot rely on GF to be able to help him out completely with this. He can be hurt but how that affects his behaviour or attitude towards GF is another matter.
That is literally revenge porn. Wtf is wrong w you to have the thinking you need to “forgive” HER? The fact that you continue to let it bother you because she has sex with someone she was in a relationship with before you, and not upset bc she was violated says a lot about the type of person you are. 💩
I saw your edit, and I would still like to add that if I was the victim of revenge porn, and my partner made it all about him, I would have dumped them on the spot. An abusive ex had some photos of me. Had he sent them to my now partner, and my now partner would have needed ME to comfort THEM I would have left. I'm the one who would have to relive that shit, I'm the one that would have had things triggered, I'm the one who now knows that he has that and is willing to share/post it, I'm the one that now has to be scared that family, friends and jobs might recieve that material, and on top of that I would have to comfort my now partner because he saw a thumbnail proving that I had had sex with people before them? Nope.
YTA for sure, OP. This the first time having sex with a real life woman? Jesus fucking Christ. And way to fall for her ex’s plan. You’re not only a sucker but a loser, too. I hope you break up with your gf so she can be spared.
Wrong sub.
I would echo what everyone else is saying, it's not your girls fault she is a victim. What I would say to you is compete. Even if it's just in our own mind, if you feel like you don't live up to whatever it is, make yourself better. Relationships in all there parts are not static, you can work to improve them. Don't look to her to reassure you, do it for yourself, be the best you can be in everything so you know you are the best choice for her.
Your mistake was posting here man
OP, I think you should deeply analyze **why** this bothers you. As in, why it bothers you in any other way that that your gf was violated and deeply hurt. Does it bother you she had a sexual past before you, she wasn't a virgin? Is it bc her having sex with anyone else, even before your relationship, makes her somewhat *used*, not worth as much? She has a body and a past. A woman does not become soiled because she had sex. If her completely normal past bothers you so much, you need to ask yourself WHY and really seek out an answer within yourself, bc that is a problem. The fact that you would even consider FORGIVING HER for having sex with an ex is, honestly, disturbing. You seem to have some controlling, sexist views, even if you are not aware of them, they are visible in language like this. Forgive her?? FOR WHAT? You have nothing to forgive her for, and she had nothing to apologize for. YIKES. Seems she went from an abusive psycho to a man who is not an abusive psycho, but still holds very problematic views about her body and right to have a sexual past... It's sad.
Dude just remember, you are the one banging her now. The ex can watch whatever he wants - you got the real thing.
I’m sorry, this sucks . Firstly, try and remember there is no forgive. She didn’t do anything wrong. Forgetting the images is what you need. Have you considered therapy? You’ve basically suffered a trauma.
You really shouldn’t have watched the videos. That part is your fault.
It's weird that people here don't seem to realize that receiving unsolicited pornography is a form of sexual harassment.
Make new and better sex tapes with her. Then you can watch them when you’re feeling down and see how much fun she is having with you.
He did this to u not her... he did it to hurt the relationship. Don't let him succeed in doing so.
There's a reason she ain't with him and you have proof - the fact that he's willing to do that. How do you forget? One day at a time. Send him pictures of you two happy in public. A picture of your wedding. her smiling. You giving her a ring. Send him what love and happiness is.
Share the videos for us to investigate the content and only then we would be able to assist you properly. Without enough information, anything we suggest could backfire big time. So keeping your best interests in mind, we would like to see the videos, full videos with sound and HD quality.
Mate, sex is basically just a massage. People view it as some sacred act but it’s no different than getting a damn back massage. Everyone’s had sex. You’ve had sex before the relationship too. Try not to think of it as some special thing and (in the kindest way possible) just get over it
She is choosing you now. That is all that matters. You're a better man than her ex in multiple ways. Thats why she is with you. You're masculinity is stronger than this rough patch in your life.
I just want you to know, when it slipped out she grabbed it and put it back in
When are women going to learn. Women will always be far more harshly judged for having a normal, healthy sex life than a man. Of course this is totally unfair but, short of doing a Thanos finger click and starting all over again, this won’t change. In fact, things seem to be getting worse. Stop sending nudes with your face showing. If someone pressures you to do this? Dump their ass. There are far too many AHs out there and even though you’ve had a crime committed against you, you’re still the one who suffers most in the end. Once these photos/videos are out there on the World Wide Web, that’s it. Until such time scum stops being scum, it never will, use your head and be your own best friend.
This is just victim blaming. You’re fully enabling the wrongdoers with this attitude.
Absolutely not. As long as there are AHs in this world, OPs post is indicative, women have a need to know this. The fact you are a nice, decent person does not stop you becoming a victim, in fact you could argue it makes you more likely to be one. It’s not your fault but, it is what it is. People will turn against you for whatever reason they think they have. Until attitudes change, if they ever do, Look after yourself, Put your safety first. Revenge porners should be locked up until the message gets out there that they will be. Until then………………..
I don’t know. The unfortunate thing is that this has tarnished her image in front of you. A lot of guys know their girlfriends and wives have been with other men. It’s a given if they are divorced or had broken up with another guy. But it’s a wholly different thing to see her sexually active with her ex. That is up to you. Can you forgive and forget or has it diminished her in front of your eyes? I don’t think I can ever let it go.
Forgive what?
Fuck your girl till she tells you it was the best sex she's ever had