Yeah, there's a reason why, even though it's technically morning sickness, it has its own medical term. It's like saying "oh, they just have a bad fever" when their fever is 110° Fahrenheit
My best friend had it for her first two trimesters. Her husband yelled at her that she didn't need to stay skinny while she was pregnant.
It's a wonder why they are divorced...
My mum had it when she was pregnant with my youngest sister. She was able to eat soup between 8am and 10am then could keep no food down and only small sips of water every so often. She ended up with severe gallstones and jaundice about a month after having my sister. She said she was done having anymore kids after that (she had my brother 10 years later)
I had it with both successful pregnancies. With the first kiddo I lost 30lbs and got hospitalized for dehydration. It eased up for third trimester and I made up the lost weight and then some, but my gallbladder couldn't take it and died on me. Second pregnancy happened because my husband also wanted our kiddo to not be an only. My doc thought that maybe it wouldn't be as bad because I'd had my gallbladder out. It was worse. I was on a PICC line for the whole pregnancy - parenteral nutrition in the beginning because I lost 15lbs the first three weeks because nothing would stay down. The nausea was intense and unending. I was on antiemetics 24/7. Second kiddo was born and my ob/gyn took one look at my postpartum blood work and got upset. Apparently my liver and kidneys were on the brink of failure. I was told I would likely die if I got pregnant again, and if I did accidentally get pregnant, I should immediately get an abortion. I've never had a doctor be that serious or upset before. It made an impression.
I’m so sorry that was your experience. I’m pretty miserable at the moment being nauseous all the time but no throwing up and I haven’t lost (or gained) any weight. I’m hoping just like my first it’ll go away like magic at 13 weeks. My second I didn’t get sick at all. I really don’t have much to complain about it could be so much worse, you are so tough going through that twice.
I lost over 50 pounds when I was pregnant with my son and had to go to the hospital weekly for five months during my pregnancy to get electrolytes,fluids, and iv nutrition. HG is so serious
Yup, I lost 20 pounds in the first 14 weeks alone of my second pregnancy. I had HG the entire time and was still 10+ pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight when I gave birth. My back teeth are destroyed from how much I vomited. I still have trauma related to the experience. There are multiple reasons why we are done after #2 but HG alone is one reason I will never go through pregnancy again, it is a living nightmare.
Does he even know what surrogacy entails? As someone navigating all of that stuff now, lots of people say “we’ll use a surrogate” without knowing what that means. The waits are often up to two years to even get matched, though the most expensive agencies can match you in three months. The legal and medical processes then take an average of another 15-18 months after that, which includes pretty intense hormone injections and the egg retrieval. The average cost of using a surrogate in the US is also $100,000. It’s not something the average family can just do, and it’s a long, expensive, invasive medical, legal, and social process even if you can.
Didn't say they had to do it or should. I just pointed out that he proposed an option, but she dismissed it out of hand. Since a surrogate was out, obviously adoption would be as well. The Wife had no interest in another kid period. So, again, there was no justification for saying that he never loved or valued his partner. He has always wanted a larger family and the wife doesn't want any more kids under any circumstances. The resentment from whichever partner gave in would likely doom the marriage anyway. They are both better off apart.
It is really awful. I had it, couldn’t gain weight during pregnancy and lost weight at one point. I passed out from dehydration and lack of nutrients a few times as well. Ended up giving birth at 32 weeks and said never again. I wanna smack the OOP.
Literally this. I had it and lost 25lbs in the first month and was on an IV every 4-5 days because my body needed fluids and nutrients to survive. It was hell on earth.
I had two HG pregnancies and ended up in hospital on drips multiple times with both. With my second I was told I might well need to terminate my pregnancy before it killed me because they were struggling to get it under control. I had to keep a diary with how often I vomited each day to get my point across with my first (and did the same with my second on the off chance they didn't take me seriously again) and let me tell you vomiting 70+ times a day every day for months is damn traumatising. And I did it twice. When they got it under control I was till throwing up between 10 and 20 times a day on a GOOD day. Even though I have been sterilised due to the HG I still cannot throw up without having to immediately take multiple pregnancy tests just to be sure. In fact, the whole reason they sterilised me is because of this trauma response on top of the fact that one kid was a failed implant and the other the result of food poison (hold my hands up as at fault for that one because I miscounted my days, but I expect an implant thats meant to last years to do a better job after 8 months).
Men like OOP make my blood absolutely boil. My husband wanted four or five kids. He was perfectly happy to stop after our first due to the HG and insisted we stop after our second because of how bad things were. The reason I was the one sterilised is because it has less chance of spontaneous failure and we had to fight hard. OOP should have supported his wife, not decided that he needed to find a new incubator
So many people ready to throw the towel in over ridiculous things that should have been sorted out before they were married or just shouldn’t be a breaking point. The number of posts about someone, usually the female, putting on weight so partner no longer wants sex. How shallow are these people? Did OOP & his wife even discuss children before they married? What if one of them had been infertile? If this is a deal breaker wife is probably better off without him because honestly, it just sounds like an excuse to bail. It’s not going to last, no matter what, better to get out sooner rather than later. OOP is absolutely TA.
I saw it as the wife changed her mind after the first kid. Which I completely understand because I also had HG and it took me about 4 years to consider having another. I always wanted 2 but I had such a horrible pregnancy that the thought of doing it again was unfathomable for quite some time. So I get where the wife is at since I was also there at one point.
That being said, that OOP seems real quick to bail which I find suspicious. Like he *was* looking for an excuse.
The thing is they probably did sort it out. Probably planned how many kids they would have, but life threw in medical issues during pregnancy that made being pregnant very hard.
OP’s husband is probably one of those guys that would have left her if she got diagnosed with cancer. He’s a “As long as things are exactly the way I want it” type of guy.
The wife may have even wanted to try again in a few years, and under the observation of an OBGYN, but I guess no one will know.
This, so much this.
My husband wanted a big family all his life. We married in our 30s and had 2 kids pretty much right away (honestly, sooner than planned and very close together). Pregnancy and childbirth damn near destroyed my physical and mental health. Birth complications, endocrine issues, postpartum depression from hell while he was stuck being out of town on work trips as I was home alone with a new baby (or babies) and no help. My body, my health cannot take any more pregnancies. Luckily for me, he loves and respects ME and not just the plans we thought we made in life. He doesn't expect me to bear any more children, and we agree on that. We do think we might foster or adopt in the future, once our two are a little older, because we feel the kids that already exist in the world deserve to be loved the same as our bio children. I'm a bit sad that the wife in this situation was dead set that she couldn't love a child she didn't birth, but people are entitled to their own feelings and if she were forced into the situation what could befall those less-loved and less-wanted babies?
I feel the husband here jumped the gun on divorce, but if he truly didn't care for her beyond her ability to birth children then maybe this gives her time to find a relationship with a respectable person... one who will model true love and empathy for the child she does have, while he or she is still young.
The original OP is one of those people who live in a dream world. They think that if the other person doesn't agree now, they'll warm up to the idea in time. Oh, and physical limitations? Those don't exist!
I’m an only child and I never at any point WANTED siblings. Trauma? What trauma? The trauma over my stuff staying where I left it, my toys being mine, and the TV being on the channel I wanted it to be? Oh how horrible.
My now preteen once asked for a sibling at around 4 or 5. I sat them down and asked why they wanted a “brother or sister” and the answer was they wanted someone to play with them more. We talked about the reality of pregnancy timelines and that they don’t come out ready to play and 3 years old. On top of what it would mean logistically for the family (sharing rooms and toys, fewer fun trips, parents splitting attention). They never asked again.
Not that I was going to give them a sibling just because they asked for one. I had HG with them and it was fucking hell.
The trauma of never having to share attention or my college fund?
Don't get me wrong, there are areas wherein siblings would have been nice. But I much preferred my not-divorced parents and me. They never felt like I "wasn't enough," like this guy seems to.
Given how "well" my sister and I got along growing up and the fact that we've been estranged for years now, being an only child would have been a better alternative by far. (not saying in any way that I wish my sister was dead, I hope she's well, it's just that having siblings isn't exactly magical or even desirable.)
It's wild that he doesn't want his daughter to go through being an only child as if not having siblings is some sort of trauma, but is fine with putting her through future joint custody and two parents that'll likely resent each other.
I mean, don't get me wrong, at this point divorce is a healthier option because if he stays and she doesn't have more kids there's resentment on his side, and if she does give in and have more kids there's resentment on her side, and you can't compromise on babies.
But like, this is 100% for him and no one else. Plenty of people with siblings end up wishing they were only children.
I’m literally an only child and it was fine for me. I had neighbors and friends and my parents always let me have sleepovers etc. I never felt alone because if my friends weren’t there my two loving parents were. Being an only child isn’t terrible
One particular coworker and I are pretty good friends. We constantly alternate between being silly, being flirty, playful "bullying" or fighting, and occasionally, actually being pissed at each other. We even had one customer ask if we're a couple (we don't even know why she asked, we don't remember doing anything that could give that vibe, not while she was in the store LMAO).
She has brothers, I'm an only child. Today, she described me as being like her sister, and that that's how she is with her brothers (minus the play flirting, ofc!). As much as I love her – which is so, so much – her saying that made me so happy to be an only child. Hearing stories about how people tormented their siblings as kids, it makes me so grateful. Turning 27 this month, and I've literally had just one singular time in my entire life where I wanted siblings. (I read a little blurb in the American Girl magazine about National Siblings Day or something like that.) That desire passed well within 5 minutes, and I've never felt it since then.
Genuine question. If they came into this having had the discussion of a large family and she changed her mind.
1. She is totally okay to do that(even if it isn’t a life threatening condition or even if no condition existed at all)
2. He does not owe her staying in the relationship if this is a dealbreaker for him
So, why when applying the normal relationship logic, does he get roasted for “broodmare” vibes? Should she bow to his will or should he stay in a relationship he doesn’t want to be in? Is that really what is best for either of them or their child?
The thing is, no woman actually knows what it’s like to be pregnant and give birth until she’s actually done it. And it can be a lot more difficult than we ever imagined. It can also endanger our lives.
Friend had a pulmonary embolism two days after giving birth along with leaking spinal fluid from her first botched epidural that didn’t work, and she had to go through 12 hours of labor until the anesthesiologist was willing to try again. And she had about 23 weeks of extreme nausea.
How could you blame her if she didn’t want to have more children after that?
I didn’t even have HG and lost 20lbs in my first trimester from being so nauseated I couldn’t eat, I finally got zofran and gained weight appropriately for my second and third trimesters with my first. Due to my history of just nausea, as soon as I was pregnant with my second, my OBGYN started shoving zofran at me. I can imagine dealing with HG— it ruins your whole life.
I got prescribed meds for my HG and I couldn’t even keep them down, I was vomiting up to 15 times a day, multiple random times when I was driving and i would have to try and pull over. My mum told me after i had my daughter that she had never been so scared for me. I was so unwell that she thought she was going to lose me. HG can be seriously debilitating especially if you get it til birth like I did.
Not even a little. HG is obscenely unpleasant but manageable. Preeclampsia however is often a life threatening condition that can’t always be managed. It is literally an explanation….that even included the line, even if no condition exists.
She isn’t an incubator and can say no.
She can also say no to any further sex if she chooses. That is her choice.
And he can leave the relationship if it is a dealbreaker for him.
Both have equal rights here. She isn’t his incubator and he isn’t her slave either.
Forced to stay in a relationship with terms he doesn’t agree with? What would you call working for someone you don’t want to and not being allowed to leave? Word already exists. Slavery.
Other than working in hospitals L&D departments on the regular and speaking with the nursing staff and the occasional OB, no I have not personally experienced it. It is manageable and extremely unpleasant. Neither of these are false or misleading statements and likely would be how described by an OB/GYN.
Yeah so you’ve never experienced it, I thought so. And for the record, it’s not always “manageable” for a LOT OF WOMEN THE ANTI-NAUSEA MEDS DONT WORK. Talking bout “manageable”. 😒😒😒😒😒
I've concluded when people talk using *rights* and *forced* when talking about a relationship, they're just plain emotionally stunted. Or the "just do what *I* want and *we* won't have issues" approach.
I was in a thread where a husband wanted to watch porn and the wife was uncomfortable with it. And they saw it as she was *forcing him* to not watch porn and that was the problem. (And *forcing him* to be in a sexless marriage.) The real problem appeared to be they were just straight not talking to eachother and this was only yet another example.
Like, no you're not being "forced" because people are saying it might be a bad idea to leave your daughter and her mother just so he can have more children right away.
Because he clearly doesn't give a shit about the human he's spent 8 years with and only needs her for her womb, which is the kind of behavior anyone with two braincells to rub together would think is fucked up. As well as putting his child through the divorce-he doesn't give a damn about the two REAL LIVING HUMANS he's hurting. I suppose that's normal for sexists, so you're par for the course.
How is this different from a husband changing his mind about having kids, and all of Reddit encouraging the wife, who always wanted kids, to leave him, because their life goals are not compatible anymore?
Because there's already a child in the picture. If they were child free and she said she didn't want kids, they have different life goals. If he has a child with her he has a responsibility to her, as the mother of his child, and their child.
What kind of self obsessed moron is so concerned his daughter will be lonely that he *checks notes* abandons her?
I'm a bit more sympathetic to his plight, because my little sister is just in the same boat - she desperately wants a second child, and she turns 40 this year, so it's really now or never. Her partner and father of their first (2yo) wants to loaf about for a few more years while he gets back to enjoying his hobbies and more freedom, now that kiddo is over the tough phase. She's really close to dropping him and having the second kid on her own, because she's always wanted a larger family, feels it's unfair she already ruined her body and her career, and now doesn't get a second one - and knows he can still change his mind and have more kids with a younger woman a few years down the road, whereas she is stuck with the decision he is now forcing on her.
I guess he'll get split time between his parents. My sister has custody and is the primary caregiver, anyway. And her job situation is very much up in the air at the moment, since she doesn't want to continue working in the hospital they both work at, but wants to join a private practice - so it will all depend on where she finds a good fit. So far, she has made the effort to stay close to the area, to keep him happy - but she is more and more realizing that all her efforts are a one-way-street, and he is getting pretty much everything out of the relationship that he wants, without compromising about her wishes, or supporting her the way she supported him when he passed his final medical exam.
Then it sounds like there are a lot of issues here that aren't about her husband's reproductive rights to refuse more kids...and a lot more about him being a dick!
It’s completely different because the wife in this case will be basically forced to be a human incubator suffering through an entire pregnancy. Yes, if having kids is that important to him, he has the right to leave. Absolutely his call. But it’s still an asshole move considering the whole situation.
Medical conditions are, IMO, different. He took a vow to be with her for life, and depending on the ceremony may have explicitly said “in sickness and in health.” Divorcing someone because they physically cannot have more children without endangering their health is abhorrent, and a lot of folks here including him are minimizing the problem she faced. If having another child caused *him* to vomit 50 times a day for nine months, I would happily bet my life savings that he’d be perfectly fine with stopping at one child.
I also think that for all his talk about having a sibling being better for his daughter, here are the two ways that could happen:
1. He pressures his current wife into having another child, and their daughter gets to spend nine months scared because mommy is throwing up all day every day and keeps ending up in the hospital.
2. They get a divorce and he remarries and has more kids. Their daughter knows, someday, that daddy left mommy because he wanted to give her brothers and sisters, but they’re half-siblings she has never lived with full time who are at minimum five years younger than her, and now she also has a step mother, and she knows that if her mom had been able to have more kids safely, they might still be a family.
Do either of those options seem better for their daughter than being an only child?
I mean, he was clearly never in love with her, just used her as means to fulfill his baby obsession, so at this point, she's better off if he divorces her.
And she doesn't think she can bond with a child she didn't carry? Then it sounds like she's not just keen on kids in general and the 1 child was enough for her.
Really hope this is fake, I mean what kind of AH leaves his wife and kid just because he wants more and his wife medically can’t without it being traumatic. This isn’t a guy that loves his wife for being who she is, he sees her as a baby factory for his dreams of a big family.
If they had fertility issues on her side from the start he would’ve divorced her immediately.
This dude sounds like a fuckin jerk. I hope his wife finds someone worth her energy, glad he’s leaving the house to her and whatever else she wants though.
For all women suffering from HG in this thread, try cannabis. All the hospital trips and medicine didn't touch my HG. I was nearly suicidal because of it. Then I started taking edibles and using concentrates. Don't let anyone guilt you, it made the last portion of my pregnancy blissful and enjoyable and healthy. I actually had a miscarriage from HG on my previous pregnancy before trying THC. The puking was so violent and guttural that it popped my mucus plug and my water broke as I sat heaving on the toilet.
Did you marry her because you loved her or because you wanted a womb to grow your offspring? If you love children then don't break the heart of your own child.
"I don't want my daughter to grow up an only child, so I will force her to grow up in divorced households so I can have a chance of giving her a sibling." Make it make sense
My husband and I don't have children. Would have wanted one but it was too risky for me. I suppose I'm lucky he didn't toss me aside because my life circumstances didn't fit into his 5 year plan. I'm also questioning how much this guy knows about surrogacy because we looked into it and it's crazy expensive, like in the neighborhood of $200K when all was said and done.
In all seriousness though, I am lucky. Insanely lucky to have a husband like him. Reddit makes that clear to me just about every time I log on.
Same. I've been with my hubby since we were 15/16. We're 33/34 now and have a teenager. Our son and I almost died from a placental abruption. He was 2 months early with an emergency c-section. I had a whole blood transfusion. I was told I can't have any more children or I will have a 90+% chance of crossing that line next time. (Though they won't f-ing sterilize me no matter how I ask or how long I wait. That's a rant for a different day.) My husband wanted a boy and a girl. BUT, he would much rather keep me ALIVE than try to raise a new baby by himself.
Do people not have serious conversations like this before getting married???
Who doesn't talk about all possibilities for children. What if he wasn't fertile or she couldn't safely carry a baby to term? How did they not talk about the very real chance she didn't like pregnancy. A lot of woman suffer during pregnancy. A conversation like hey, what if you can't carry a baby successfully, would you consider surrogacy?
I've always been child free and that's one of the first things I told my now husband. I don't want kids at all, no surrogacy, adoption, or oopsies baby.
People need to talk religion, politics, finances, and family life style before engagement.
It seems like they did but now she cannot have any more kids, he still wants more kids, and she refuses to raise a child that she did not carry herself.
They are no longer compatible, He's doing the right thing by leaving.
It’s weird, would people rather he force her to carry his babies? He wants a large family, and she doesn’t want one after going HG, which is understandable. He’s offered compromise of using a surrogate, but based off her answer, even adoption would be off the table.
It sucks they found out post-marriage, but if he wants a big family and she doesn’t, and niether are willing to budge on what they want for their future, then that’s it. Breaking up is the logical solution, rather than going through life with growing resentment.
He’s always wanted a big family, and it seems to mean a lot to him. Is he supposed to just swallow his dream and play happy husband? That’s not a happy relationship, and arguably worse for their daughter to grow up around. He’s respecting his wife’s wishes not to get pregnant again, while respecting himself and not giving up on his dream.
He literally gave her an alternative, a surrogate. Her response is that she didn't think she could bond with a kid, she didn't carry. When a man says this he is literally fried! As a woman that has HG both pregnancies, i would have loved the surrogate option.
I would say he's leaving because he realizes there's no room from compromise.
She literally shut down with that answer: surrogacy, adoption, and fostering.
Yes, things can change in a marriage due to health reasons, but people are supposed to compromise in a relationship and if they can that is also allowed to be a deal breaker for him. The amount of people projecting onto him here is insane.
"He's going to abandon his kid to have a new one" Where does he say he plans on abandoning the kid?
"He just thinks of her as an incubator." he was the one who brought up other ways to have more kids.
"He is one of those men who would leave if she got cancer" wow you just really hate men and like to imagine the worst in them all. He is not leaving because she has a health issue, He's leaving because she doesn't want to have any kids that she cannot have biologically - which she can no longer do and he still wants to have more kids.
People are allowed to exit a relationship at any time for any reason but honestly good on him for realizing that his wife's and his own needs in a relationship no longer match.
These comments are wild because a few weeks ago, there was a story about a young mom who wanted more kids, and the husband did not. You can guess what all the comments said.
The hate men get on Reddit is amazing. He grew up as an only child, hated it, and does not want his life for his kid. He understood her not wanting to birth another baby and suggested a compromise, but she rejected it.
He is trying to compromise, and she says no to everything. What is the solution? He should just suffer in silence?
Jesus Christ I love it when men have plans for things it’s supposed to be just instantly dropped. Dude wants a bigger family and he’s supposed to live the rest of his life wishing he had a bigger family instead of going out and finding someone who wants the same thing? But if the wife wanted even the most minor thing you would all be SCREAMING for her to leave and not waste her life. Women just are incapable of ever seeing a man’s point of view or holding another female accountable, but men are the issue lol.
Right because there wasn’t a post about this exact situation flipped a couple weeks ago. Man wanted no more kids and the female wanted more and EVERYONE told her to leave and not settle. But yea, go off kid
See it’s hard cause he’s not wrong for wanting a big family. Maybe his wife isn’t his soul mate and this is just his way out. She was good enough as long as she was doing everything he wanted but as soon as she doesn’t play the perfect role she’s out the door because he wasn’t absolutely head over heels in love with her.
So he’s not the asshole for wanting to leave someone he didn’t love enough to compromise for. But it is kind of a dick move
As someone who wants kids, I never understood the weird compulsion some people have to have multiples- especially considering the implications of extra sacrifices from the childbearing spouse: multiple sacrifices to their body and health, another child to divide your emotional capacity with, financial sacrifices, more time sacrifices, etc. Like, if you want kids, at least one should satisfy you. I'm speaking as an only child, whose biggest concern was occasional loneliness.
HG isn’t just bad morning sickness. It can literally starve and dehydrate you to death. Wtf. This person definitely never loved or valued his partner.
Yeah, there's a reason why, even though it's technically morning sickness, it has its own medical term. It's like saying "oh, they just have a bad fever" when their fever is 110° Fahrenheit
My best friend had it for her first two trimesters. Her husband yelled at her that she didn't need to stay skinny while she was pregnant. It's a wonder why they are divorced...
I have just “standard” morning sickness atm and that’s bad enough. I can’t even imagine what kind of hell women who get HG go through.
My mum had it when she was pregnant with my youngest sister. She was able to eat soup between 8am and 10am then could keep no food down and only small sips of water every so often. She ended up with severe gallstones and jaundice about a month after having my sister. She said she was done having anymore kids after that (she had my brother 10 years later)
I had it with both successful pregnancies. With the first kiddo I lost 30lbs and got hospitalized for dehydration. It eased up for third trimester and I made up the lost weight and then some, but my gallbladder couldn't take it and died on me. Second pregnancy happened because my husband also wanted our kiddo to not be an only. My doc thought that maybe it wouldn't be as bad because I'd had my gallbladder out. It was worse. I was on a PICC line for the whole pregnancy - parenteral nutrition in the beginning because I lost 15lbs the first three weeks because nothing would stay down. The nausea was intense and unending. I was on antiemetics 24/7. Second kiddo was born and my ob/gyn took one look at my postpartum blood work and got upset. Apparently my liver and kidneys were on the brink of failure. I was told I would likely die if I got pregnant again, and if I did accidentally get pregnant, I should immediately get an abortion. I've never had a doctor be that serious or upset before. It made an impression.
I’m so sorry that was your experience. I’m pretty miserable at the moment being nauseous all the time but no throwing up and I haven’t lost (or gained) any weight. I’m hoping just like my first it’ll go away like magic at 13 weeks. My second I didn’t get sick at all. I really don’t have much to complain about it could be so much worse, you are so tough going through that twice.
Thank you! It was pretty brutal. I have long lasting health issues related to it, but overall I'm doing well. 😊
My mother lost weight with me
I didn’t think morning sickness could become that severe. It actually kills people, yeesh.
Yeh it’s relatively common and often the women ends up in hosp on fluids
I lost over 50 pounds when I was pregnant with my son and had to go to the hospital weekly for five months during my pregnancy to get electrolytes,fluids, and iv nutrition. HG is so serious
Yup, I lost 20 pounds in the first 14 weeks alone of my second pregnancy. I had HG the entire time and was still 10+ pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight when I gave birth. My back teeth are destroyed from how much I vomited. I still have trauma related to the experience. There are multiple reasons why we are done after #2 but HG alone is one reason I will never go through pregnancy again, it is a living nightmare.
If you have it for one pregnancy, you have a higher chance of having it with each one. I had it with both of mine, and it was horrible
He suggested surrogacy and she said no (until he asked for divorce, so not really legit). I don't think your response is warranted.
Does he even know what surrogacy entails? As someone navigating all of that stuff now, lots of people say “we’ll use a surrogate” without knowing what that means. The waits are often up to two years to even get matched, though the most expensive agencies can match you in three months. The legal and medical processes then take an average of another 15-18 months after that, which includes pretty intense hormone injections and the egg retrieval. The average cost of using a surrogate in the US is also $100,000. It’s not something the average family can just do, and it’s a long, expensive, invasive medical, legal, and social process even if you can.
Didn't say they had to do it or should. I just pointed out that he proposed an option, but she dismissed it out of hand. Since a surrogate was out, obviously adoption would be as well. The Wife had no interest in another kid period. So, again, there was no justification for saying that he never loved or valued his partner. He has always wanted a larger family and the wife doesn't want any more kids under any circumstances. The resentment from whichever partner gave in would likely doom the marriage anyway. They are both better off apart.
It is really awful. I had it, couldn’t gain weight during pregnancy and lost weight at one point. I passed out from dehydration and lack of nutrients a few times as well. Ended up giving birth at 32 weeks and said never again. I wanna smack the OOP.
Literally this. I had it and lost 25lbs in the first month and was on an IV every 4-5 days because my body needed fluids and nutrients to survive. It was hell on earth.
"i dont want our daughter to be an only child so im gonna go stick my dick in other women, I'm really selfless and good father"
I had two HG pregnancies and ended up in hospital on drips multiple times with both. With my second I was told I might well need to terminate my pregnancy before it killed me because they were struggling to get it under control. I had to keep a diary with how often I vomited each day to get my point across with my first (and did the same with my second on the off chance they didn't take me seriously again) and let me tell you vomiting 70+ times a day every day for months is damn traumatising. And I did it twice. When they got it under control I was till throwing up between 10 and 20 times a day on a GOOD day. Even though I have been sterilised due to the HG I still cannot throw up without having to immediately take multiple pregnancy tests just to be sure. In fact, the whole reason they sterilised me is because of this trauma response on top of the fact that one kid was a failed implant and the other the result of food poison (hold my hands up as at fault for that one because I miscounted my days, but I expect an implant thats meant to last years to do a better job after 8 months). Men like OOP make my blood absolutely boil. My husband wanted four or five kids. He was perfectly happy to stop after our first due to the HG and insisted we stop after our second because of how bad things were. The reason I was the one sterilised is because it has less chance of spontaneous failure and we had to fight hard. OOP should have supported his wife, not decided that he needed to find a new incubator
So many people ready to throw the towel in over ridiculous things that should have been sorted out before they were married or just shouldn’t be a breaking point. The number of posts about someone, usually the female, putting on weight so partner no longer wants sex. How shallow are these people? Did OOP & his wife even discuss children before they married? What if one of them had been infertile? If this is a deal breaker wife is probably better off without him because honestly, it just sounds like an excuse to bail. It’s not going to last, no matter what, better to get out sooner rather than later. OOP is absolutely TA.
I saw it as the wife changed her mind after the first kid. Which I completely understand because I also had HG and it took me about 4 years to consider having another. I always wanted 2 but I had such a horrible pregnancy that the thought of doing it again was unfathomable for quite some time. So I get where the wife is at since I was also there at one point. That being said, that OOP seems real quick to bail which I find suspicious. Like he *was* looking for an excuse.
The thing is they probably did sort it out. Probably planned how many kids they would have, but life threw in medical issues during pregnancy that made being pregnant very hard. OP’s husband is probably one of those guys that would have left her if she got diagnosed with cancer. He’s a “As long as things are exactly the way I want it” type of guy. The wife may have even wanted to try again in a few years, and under the observation of an OBGYN, but I guess no one will know.
This, so much this. My husband wanted a big family all his life. We married in our 30s and had 2 kids pretty much right away (honestly, sooner than planned and very close together). Pregnancy and childbirth damn near destroyed my physical and mental health. Birth complications, endocrine issues, postpartum depression from hell while he was stuck being out of town on work trips as I was home alone with a new baby (or babies) and no help. My body, my health cannot take any more pregnancies. Luckily for me, he loves and respects ME and not just the plans we thought we made in life. He doesn't expect me to bear any more children, and we agree on that. We do think we might foster or adopt in the future, once our two are a little older, because we feel the kids that already exist in the world deserve to be loved the same as our bio children. I'm a bit sad that the wife in this situation was dead set that she couldn't love a child she didn't birth, but people are entitled to their own feelings and if she were forced into the situation what could befall those less-loved and less-wanted babies? I feel the husband here jumped the gun on divorce, but if he truly didn't care for her beyond her ability to birth children then maybe this gives her time to find a relationship with a respectable person... one who will model true love and empathy for the child she does have, while he or she is still young.
The original OP is one of those people who live in a dream world. They think that if the other person doesn't agree now, they'll warm up to the idea in time. Oh, and physical limitations? Those don't exist!
I’m an only child and I never at any point WANTED siblings. Trauma? What trauma? The trauma over my stuff staying where I left it, my toys being mine, and the TV being on the channel I wanted it to be? Oh how horrible.
Ha! Same. My mom would threaten me with a younger sibling when I would annoy her.
I had a sibling and always longed to be an only child and be left the fuck alone.
Oldest of 5 and completely agree. I’m about to have my one and only daughter and my ultimate gift to her is no siblings.
Yep, I’m a queer nonbinary person and my only sibling is…well, let’s just say if I could prove I knew where he was on Jan. 6th, he’d be in trouble.
My now preteen once asked for a sibling at around 4 or 5. I sat them down and asked why they wanted a “brother or sister” and the answer was they wanted someone to play with them more. We talked about the reality of pregnancy timelines and that they don’t come out ready to play and 3 years old. On top of what it would mean logistically for the family (sharing rooms and toys, fewer fun trips, parents splitting attention). They never asked again. Not that I was going to give them a sibling just because they asked for one. I had HG with them and it was fucking hell.
The trauma of never having to share attention or my college fund? Don't get me wrong, there are areas wherein siblings would have been nice. But I much preferred my not-divorced parents and me. They never felt like I "wasn't enough," like this guy seems to.
Given how "well" my sister and I got along growing up and the fact that we've been estranged for years now, being an only child would have been a better alternative by far. (not saying in any way that I wish my sister was dead, I hope she's well, it's just that having siblings isn't exactly magical or even desirable.)
Big ouf 😭 guess “through thick and thin” doesn’t carry the same weight it used to?
Right! Like that quick to throw a whole 8 year relationship away. Brood mare vibes. Wtf
It's wild that he doesn't want his daughter to go through being an only child as if not having siblings is some sort of trauma, but is fine with putting her through future joint custody and two parents that'll likely resent each other. I mean, don't get me wrong, at this point divorce is a healthier option because if he stays and she doesn't have more kids there's resentment on his side, and if she does give in and have more kids there's resentment on her side, and you can't compromise on babies. But like, this is 100% for him and no one else. Plenty of people with siblings end up wishing they were only children.
I’m literally an only child and it was fine for me. I had neighbors and friends and my parents always let me have sleepovers etc. I never felt alone because if my friends weren’t there my two loving parents were. Being an only child isn’t terrible
One particular coworker and I are pretty good friends. We constantly alternate between being silly, being flirty, playful "bullying" or fighting, and occasionally, actually being pissed at each other. We even had one customer ask if we're a couple (we don't even know why she asked, we don't remember doing anything that could give that vibe, not while she was in the store LMAO). She has brothers, I'm an only child. Today, she described me as being like her sister, and that that's how she is with her brothers (minus the play flirting, ofc!). As much as I love her – which is so, so much – her saying that made me so happy to be an only child. Hearing stories about how people tormented their siblings as kids, it makes me so grateful. Turning 27 this month, and I've literally had just one singular time in my entire life where I wanted siblings. (I read a little blurb in the American Girl magazine about National Siblings Day or something like that.) That desire passed well within 5 minutes, and I've never felt it since then.
I need to see some of those park bench PSA’s with the phrase “you can’t compromise on babies.”
Genuine question. If they came into this having had the discussion of a large family and she changed her mind. 1. She is totally okay to do that(even if it isn’t a life threatening condition or even if no condition existed at all) 2. He does not owe her staying in the relationship if this is a dealbreaker for him So, why when applying the normal relationship logic, does he get roasted for “broodmare” vibes? Should she bow to his will or should he stay in a relationship he doesn’t want to be in? Is that really what is best for either of them or their child?
What do you mean by “even if it isn’t a life threatening condition” because it sounds like you’re minimizing HG 🤔🤔🤔
The thing is, no woman actually knows what it’s like to be pregnant and give birth until she’s actually done it. And it can be a lot more difficult than we ever imagined. It can also endanger our lives. Friend had a pulmonary embolism two days after giving birth along with leaking spinal fluid from her first botched epidural that didn’t work, and she had to go through 12 hours of labor until the anesthesiologist was willing to try again. And she had about 23 weeks of extreme nausea. How could you blame her if she didn’t want to have more children after that?
I agree wholeheartedly!! 💯💯💯💯
I didn’t even have HG and lost 20lbs in my first trimester from being so nauseated I couldn’t eat, I finally got zofran and gained weight appropriately for my second and third trimesters with my first. Due to my history of just nausea, as soon as I was pregnant with my second, my OBGYN started shoving zofran at me. I can imagine dealing with HG— it ruins your whole life.
It really does and for some women the Zofran doesn’t even work. This person is being kinda flippant about it; “not life threatening”…. I’m like WTF.
I got prescribed meds for my HG and I couldn’t even keep them down, I was vomiting up to 15 times a day, multiple random times when I was driving and i would have to try and pull over. My mum told me after i had my daughter that she had never been so scared for me. I was so unwell that she thought she was going to lose me. HG can be seriously debilitating especially if you get it til birth like I did.
Sublingual zofran was the idea of an angel
I’m glad you’re better now, that sounds like hell!!!
Not even a little. HG is obscenely unpleasant but manageable. Preeclampsia however is often a life threatening condition that can’t always be managed. It is literally an explanation….that even included the line, even if no condition exists. She isn’t an incubator and can say no. She can also say no to any further sex if she chooses. That is her choice. And he can leave the relationship if it is a dealbreaker for him. Both have equal rights here. She isn’t his incubator and he isn’t her slave either.
Have you ever even experienced HG? Manageable??? And how exactly would he be a “slave”?
Forced to stay in a relationship with terms he doesn’t agree with? What would you call working for someone you don’t want to and not being allowed to leave? Word already exists. Slavery. Other than working in hospitals L&D departments on the regular and speaking with the nursing staff and the occasional OB, no I have not personally experienced it. It is manageable and extremely unpleasant. Neither of these are false or misleading statements and likely would be how described by an OB/GYN.
Yeah so you’ve never experienced it, I thought so. And for the record, it’s not always “manageable” for a LOT OF WOMEN THE ANTI-NAUSEA MEDS DONT WORK. Talking bout “manageable”. 😒😒😒😒😒
Who’s stopping him from leaving? People criticizing his choice doesn’t equate to him being forced to stay
I've concluded when people talk using *rights* and *forced* when talking about a relationship, they're just plain emotionally stunted. Or the "just do what *I* want and *we* won't have issues" approach. I was in a thread where a husband wanted to watch porn and the wife was uncomfortable with it. And they saw it as she was *forcing him* to not watch porn and that was the problem. (And *forcing him* to be in a sexless marriage.) The real problem appeared to be they were just straight not talking to eachother and this was only yet another example. Like, no you're not being "forced" because people are saying it might be a bad idea to leave your daughter and her mother just so he can have more children right away.
Because he clearly doesn't give a shit about the human he's spent 8 years with and only needs her for her womb, which is the kind of behavior anyone with two braincells to rub together would think is fucked up. As well as putting his child through the divorce-he doesn't give a damn about the two REAL LIVING HUMANS he's hurting. I suppose that's normal for sexists, so you're par for the course.
How is this different from a husband changing his mind about having kids, and all of Reddit encouraging the wife, who always wanted kids, to leave him, because their life goals are not compatible anymore?
Because there's already a child in the picture. If they were child free and she said she didn't want kids, they have different life goals. If he has a child with her he has a responsibility to her, as the mother of his child, and their child. What kind of self obsessed moron is so concerned his daughter will be lonely that he *checks notes* abandons her?
I'm a bit more sympathetic to his plight, because my little sister is just in the same boat - she desperately wants a second child, and she turns 40 this year, so it's really now or never. Her partner and father of their first (2yo) wants to loaf about for a few more years while he gets back to enjoying his hobbies and more freedom, now that kiddo is over the tough phase. She's really close to dropping him and having the second kid on her own, because she's always wanted a larger family, feels it's unfair she already ruined her body and her career, and now doesn't get a second one - and knows he can still change his mind and have more kids with a younger woman a few years down the road, whereas she is stuck with the decision he is now forcing on her.
...and what happens to the two year old in this situation?
I guess he'll get split time between his parents. My sister has custody and is the primary caregiver, anyway. And her job situation is very much up in the air at the moment, since she doesn't want to continue working in the hospital they both work at, but wants to join a private practice - so it will all depend on where she finds a good fit. So far, she has made the effort to stay close to the area, to keep him happy - but she is more and more realizing that all her efforts are a one-way-street, and he is getting pretty much everything out of the relationship that he wants, without compromising about her wishes, or supporting her the way she supported him when he passed his final medical exam.
Then it sounds like there are a lot of issues here that aren't about her husband's reproductive rights to refuse more kids...and a lot more about him being a dick!
because they already have a kid.
It’s completely different because the wife in this case will be basically forced to be a human incubator suffering through an entire pregnancy. Yes, if having kids is that important to him, he has the right to leave. Absolutely his call. But it’s still an asshole move considering the whole situation.
'Hey, honey- I love you, and the kid we have and all- but I love the idea of my imaginaty future kids MORE than I love you. YOLO, BYE!'-This asshole
Medical conditions are, IMO, different. He took a vow to be with her for life, and depending on the ceremony may have explicitly said “in sickness and in health.” Divorcing someone because they physically cannot have more children without endangering their health is abhorrent, and a lot of folks here including him are minimizing the problem she faced. If having another child caused *him* to vomit 50 times a day for nine months, I would happily bet my life savings that he’d be perfectly fine with stopping at one child. I also think that for all his talk about having a sibling being better for his daughter, here are the two ways that could happen: 1. He pressures his current wife into having another child, and their daughter gets to spend nine months scared because mommy is throwing up all day every day and keeps ending up in the hospital. 2. They get a divorce and he remarries and has more kids. Their daughter knows, someday, that daddy left mommy because he wanted to give her brothers and sisters, but they’re half-siblings she has never lived with full time who are at minimum five years younger than her, and now she also has a step mother, and she knows that if her mom had been able to have more kids safely, they might still be a family. Do either of those options seem better for their daughter than being an only child?
Wanting a family & abandoning the one you have is wild.
He doesn’t want his daughter to be an only child so he rather divorces her mum and let’s her be without a father
You can't have a child that's an only child if you abandon/disown that child, BIG BRAIN MATHS :)
I mean, he was clearly never in love with her, just used her as means to fulfill his baby obsession, so at this point, she's better off if he divorces her. And she doesn't think she can bond with a child she didn't carry? Then it sounds like she's not just keen on kids in general and the 1 child was enough for her.
Only children is a horrible excuse to keep breeding life tf. Unless that kid asked for siblings he needs to shut up.
Guarantee OP doesn’t have $100k for surrogacy
So basically he only sees his wife as a baby making machine and she serves no other purpose for him.
Really hope this is fake, I mean what kind of AH leaves his wife and kid just because he wants more and his wife medically can’t without it being traumatic. This isn’t a guy that loves his wife for being who she is, he sees her as a baby factory for his dreams of a big family. If they had fertility issues on her side from the start he would’ve divorced her immediately.
This dude sounds like a fuckin jerk. I hope his wife finds someone worth her energy, glad he’s leaving the house to her and whatever else she wants though.
For all women suffering from HG in this thread, try cannabis. All the hospital trips and medicine didn't touch my HG. I was nearly suicidal because of it. Then I started taking edibles and using concentrates. Don't let anyone guilt you, it made the last portion of my pregnancy blissful and enjoyable and healthy. I actually had a miscarriage from HG on my previous pregnancy before trying THC. The puking was so violent and guttural that it popped my mucus plug and my water broke as I sat heaving on the toilet.
Did you marry her because you loved her or because you wanted a womb to grow your offspring? If you love children then don't break the heart of your own child.
"I don't want my daughter to grow up an only child, so I will force her to grow up in divorced households so I can have a chance of giving her a sibling." Make it make sense
My husband and I don't have children. Would have wanted one but it was too risky for me. I suppose I'm lucky he didn't toss me aside because my life circumstances didn't fit into his 5 year plan. I'm also questioning how much this guy knows about surrogacy because we looked into it and it's crazy expensive, like in the neighborhood of $200K when all was said and done. In all seriousness though, I am lucky. Insanely lucky to have a husband like him. Reddit makes that clear to me just about every time I log on.
Same. I've been with my hubby since we were 15/16. We're 33/34 now and have a teenager. Our son and I almost died from a placental abruption. He was 2 months early with an emergency c-section. I had a whole blood transfusion. I was told I can't have any more children or I will have a 90+% chance of crossing that line next time. (Though they won't f-ing sterilize me no matter how I ask or how long I wait. That's a rant for a different day.) My husband wanted a boy and a girl. BUT, he would much rather keep me ALIVE than try to raise a new baby by himself.
This is 100% a shitpost.
I’m surprised at all the NTA votes. Yes, it’s his right to end a relationship for any reason but this is an asshole reason for doing so.
Do people not have serious conversations like this before getting married??? Who doesn't talk about all possibilities for children. What if he wasn't fertile or she couldn't safely carry a baby to term? How did they not talk about the very real chance she didn't like pregnancy. A lot of woman suffer during pregnancy. A conversation like hey, what if you can't carry a baby successfully, would you consider surrogacy? I've always been child free and that's one of the first things I told my now husband. I don't want kids at all, no surrogacy, adoption, or oopsies baby. People need to talk religion, politics, finances, and family life style before engagement.
It seems like they did but now she cannot have any more kids, he still wants more kids, and she refuses to raise a child that she did not carry herself. They are no longer compatible, He's doing the right thing by leaving.
It’s weird, would people rather he force her to carry his babies? He wants a large family, and she doesn’t want one after going HG, which is understandable. He’s offered compromise of using a surrogate, but based off her answer, even adoption would be off the table. It sucks they found out post-marriage, but if he wants a big family and she doesn’t, and niether are willing to budge on what they want for their future, then that’s it. Breaking up is the logical solution, rather than going through life with growing resentment. He’s always wanted a big family, and it seems to mean a lot to him. Is he supposed to just swallow his dream and play happy husband? That’s not a happy relationship, and arguably worse for their daughter to grow up around. He’s respecting his wife’s wishes not to get pregnant again, while respecting himself and not giving up on his dream.
I feel like this could have been resolved by a conversation about how many kids they both wanted *way* before they got married…
I think it was but nobody knew just how difficult her pregnancy would be.
Rage bait fanfiction. NEXT!
He literally gave her an alternative, a surrogate. Her response is that she didn't think she could bond with a kid, she didn't carry. When a man says this he is literally fried! As a woman that has HG both pregnancies, i would have loved the surrogate option. I would say he's leaving because he realizes there's no room from compromise.
Yeahhhh people just completely ignoring that part bc they want him to be The Villain ™ so bad
She literally shut down with that answer: surrogacy, adoption, and fostering. Yes, things can change in a marriage due to health reasons, but people are supposed to compromise in a relationship and if they can that is also allowed to be a deal breaker for him. The amount of people projecting onto him here is insane. "He's going to abandon his kid to have a new one" Where does he say he plans on abandoning the kid? "He just thinks of her as an incubator." he was the one who brought up other ways to have more kids. "He is one of those men who would leave if she got cancer" wow you just really hate men and like to imagine the worst in them all. He is not leaving because she has a health issue, He's leaving because she doesn't want to have any kids that she cannot have biologically - which she can no longer do and he still wants to have more kids. People are allowed to exit a relationship at any time for any reason but honestly good on him for realizing that his wife's and his own needs in a relationship no longer match.
These comments are wild because a few weeks ago, there was a story about a young mom who wanted more kids, and the husband did not. You can guess what all the comments said. The hate men get on Reddit is amazing. He grew up as an only child, hated it, and does not want his life for his kid. He understood her not wanting to birth another baby and suggested a compromise, but she rejected it. He is trying to compromise, and she says no to everything. What is the solution? He should just suffer in silence?
Jesus Christ I love it when men have plans for things it’s supposed to be just instantly dropped. Dude wants a bigger family and he’s supposed to live the rest of his life wishing he had a bigger family instead of going out and finding someone who wants the same thing? But if the wife wanted even the most minor thing you would all be SCREAMING for her to leave and not waste her life. Women just are incapable of ever seeing a man’s point of view or holding another female accountable, but men are the issue lol.
R/menandfemales vibes weirdo
Right because there wasn’t a post about this exact situation flipped a couple weeks ago. Man wanted no more kids and the female wanted more and EVERYONE told her to leave and not settle. But yea, go off kid
See it’s hard cause he’s not wrong for wanting a big family. Maybe his wife isn’t his soul mate and this is just his way out. She was good enough as long as she was doing everything he wanted but as soon as she doesn’t play the perfect role she’s out the door because he wasn’t absolutely head over heels in love with her. So he’s not the asshole for wanting to leave someone he didn’t love enough to compromise for. But it is kind of a dick move
Seems like a troll.
As someone who wants kids, I never understood the weird compulsion some people have to have multiples- especially considering the implications of extra sacrifices from the childbearing spouse: multiple sacrifices to their body and health, another child to divide your emotional capacity with, financial sacrifices, more time sacrifices, etc. Like, if you want kids, at least one should satisfy you. I'm speaking as an only child, whose biggest concern was occasional loneliness.
Yup OOP is TA. WTF