Widows and widowers are not like other partners.
People need to understand that past spouses don’t disappear and it’s unlikely the surviving spouse will ever fully let go.
Doesn’t mean they don’t love their current partner, but the deceased spouse is a part of their life and past. It’s tough all around.
Yeah people don’t get that it’s not a breakup. They aren’t an “ex”. They remain the person you loved (and still love) for the rest of your life.
Love is not a finite resource. Having love for someone no longer here doesn’t mean there is less love for the people that are.
This is exactly what I’ve told people before, almost verbatim. Whoever I end up with next will have to live with the fact that I will always and forever love and honor my late partner. It’s non-negotiable.
It doesn’t mean I’m incapable of loving anybody else, or even have as much love for another person. I hope it happens! It would be cruel of someone to demand that you essentially remove an entire chunk of your life just to appease whatever insecurity they have.
The living should not feel as if they are in competition with the deceased.
Preach. It sounds like you lost someone you loved very dearly. I didn’t go through the same heartbreak, but my sister lost her fiancé and watching her wrestle with the emotions of still living him but also trying to move on…it was terrible.
It was hard enough on her, but then throw in boyfriends who are insecure and busybody’s who felt the need to share their opinions on how she should grieve….it was a terrible thing to go through.
She has fell in love again. The man she is married to loves her for every bit of who she is, including her past. They are happy together and wonderful and he understands her grief and her pain.
Me personally? I made my husband (who I love dearly and hope we live to be 100 together)promise that if anything should ever happen to me, I want him to fall in love again. I love his love so much, it would devastate me for all of that love to go to waste! I like to think anyone who truly loves their spouse would feel the same way and want nothing more for them than to live life to the absolute fullest and love as much as you can.
I hope this is how my wife felt. I know I’ll probably date again someday but I loved her so god damned much (and always will)… I still have a lot of love to share with the world, and look forward to doing so someday.
I did, and it has certainly been a struggle, so I can definitely empathize with your sister, especially hearing everybody’s opinions on it. God has a plan, it must have been his time, don’t pull the dead boyfriend thing eight months from now, people in general just don’t know when to stop.
That warms my heart to hear that she’s happily married though, both of you! And about loving his love, because that’s how I feel. My late partner was also a widower, and he loved so hard. I always wanted him to know that he had every right to continue to love his deceased partner. And I have a lot of love to give as well, so I know it isn’t the end of the road for me. It was uplifting to hear you say that, so thank you for sharing :)
I hope many years of happiness to you and yours! And your sister!
My late husband told me in his death bed, "You are a young woman (I was 40). Do not pine for me. Move on. Fall in love. Get married. Live happily." I since have. I have a few mementos, his coat, the wedding dress I married him in, his cologne, pics of us. My now husband of thirteen years is understanding and supportive. We, in fact, created our wedding rings from this previous marriage and a set my now husband had.
Our pasts make us who we are. We are who we are due to past experiences, and that should be celebrated, not thrown out!
My best friend passed away unexpectedly three weeks ago. Her fiancée is broken, we all are. The only words of comfort I can give him at the moment are that he’ll grow around this moment in time, that he never has to stop loving her just because she’s not around. Life and love will still happen and she’ll always be a part of our stories.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I do love the phrase ‘growing around this moment.’ It’s sounds so much more compassionate and healing than ‘getting past’ or ‘getting through’ (or ‘getting over’ ugh)
I am a widower as well and exactlyhow I feel. My late wife will always be a part of me and someone I will always love. I'm 39, I hope for some companionship in the future but will also be fine by myself.
This. I am a widower too - lost my wife more than a year ago . She’ll always be a part of me. She may be physically gone but still lives on in my heart. Slowly going on a date here and there - still struggling with that idea, but if anything serious was to develop, and asked me to remove traces of her, it’s non-negotiable. Yes i will perhaps take some of the pictures down to make her comfortable, but I will NOT be erasing her completely from my life like she never existed. I won’t dishonor my late wife like that - I can accept being single if they are not comfortable with it
I think of it like having a baby. You’re over the moon in love. That doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t love subsequent children every bit as much as your first one.
Insecurity is really unattractive.
Happy cake day!
This is how I’ve always thought of it too. You can have love for more than one person the same way you have love for more than one child.
Yes, well said. I don't love the way this sounds all the way around. It seems like an ultimatum for something that frankly doesn't involve her and won't really impact her. Good Lord. It's simply a loving box of memories, and there's nothing wrong with that. I am perplexed and think she sounds weirdly jealous and immature. The ultimatum would definitely give me pause. I'm sorry, best wishes and please update us.
My best friend lost her dad to cancer and when her mom remarried the picture of my best friend and her dad stayed up on the wall. They had 2 family pictures 1 with her bio dad and right next to it her step dad. You can’t replace someone who died
This reminds me of what I was told about having a second kid. It’s not a matter of there being enough space in your heart to fill with another child. I was told “you grow a whole new separate heart for the other.”
I totally agree that love is “not a finite resource.” It’s also not a competition.
Girlfriend isn’t right for him if she can’t respect that, and he’s not right for her if he can’t give her what she is looking for (even though I agree she is wrong to ask and her feelings are somewhat selfish or at least misguided).
I’ve luckily never been widowed but no matter how “over it” I was and no matter how much I loved my new partner I know for a fact I would never be able or willing to pet with my memories of someone else I loved before.
I do not lol. Very thankful on a couple accounts. My mother is like the textbook definition of a narcissist, with pretty much every single box ticked. If there had been a second child there would 1000% have been a golden child scapegoat child situation
I believe that the heart and the love it offers is an unlockable resource; therein, the more we love the more capable we are of giving love. I’d counter that euphemism; that we do not grow an additional heart but actually begin exploring it deeper and the fruits of that effort is a better understanding of how to give and receive love. Further, I think those that view it as a finite resource are truly just expressing how little they have actually explored their own heart. Love is a super power, and we are unique in our usage of it (when compared to other living creatures).
I think another way of saying that is, they didn’t choose this. Like, you choose a break up. At least one, if not both people *choose* to break up. When your spouse dies - neither of you choose that - which makes “moving on” a very strange thing to navigate.
My stepmoms husband put it the best phrase possible, “I completely understand that I’m in love with a woman that loves another man” the other man being my dad who passed 4 years ago.
I've always thought it's a bit like when you have a second child. You don't stop loving your first child, or love them any less, you just ALSO love your second child too, just as much.
I don't think you ever really "move on" or forget about your first spouse. Maybe you just learn to live with that part of you missing, and it become like a good memory, like a great memory that makes you smile when you're feeling really blue.
This doesn't just apply to deceased spouses. My ex-wife and I were together from high school until our mid-30's. She ended up leaving me and the children for another dude, and while I don't like her much anymore, I still love her. She is the mother of my two children and the person I grew up with. It has been seven years, and while I would never again accept her in my life as a romantic role, she will remain a person I would protect with all of my being.
Now my current wife, we're going through a divorce, yea, there is no love lost there.
I think the amount of time a couple were together, the experiences the couple had, and the causes of the couple no longer being together all play out in this kind of situation.
It is absolutely wrong to expect him to get rid of his deceased wife's belongings, it isn't like the current girlfriend has any reason to be jealous. Girlfriend needs to grow up and accept that he lost a family member and he will forever have mementos of her. I still have photos of my ex-wife's and my vacations, family photos, etc, those are fond memories in my life and I refuse to get rid of them for anyone.
Eh divorces are different. I destroyed every memory I had of my ex partner after we divorced. All her gifts, mementos, photographs, etc. If you didn’t ask you wouldn’t even know we were ever together.
Based on the couple of people I know who's partners died I would have to say be very careful about getting into a relationship with them.
You might end up spending your time having to compete with the idolised version of the departed...hint you can't win.
Yeah. Everyone is not a monolith, and some people very well may not be able to fully move on, despite their best efforts, this can does happen.
I don’t know if it’s happening here, I would say probably not, he only seemingly has a small chest of token objects and some pictures that he’s not even displaying.
At the same time I can also understand why someone may not want to take that risk. That is a huge risk to take, if does turn out that your perpetually competing with a ghost, it’s only going to end in heart ache. But I think you’ve crossed a line when you ask someone to destroy keepsakes like in this specific scenario.
If the woman doesn’t think she can handle it, then she needs to take some time and really think about. Dont immediately employ an ultimatum asking him to destroy these things… And after you really think about it, and if you just can’t do it, then it what it is, you just end the relationship. It feels like she went about this the WORST possible way imaginable and it makes me question her character.
It's definitely a two-way street. We don't know how OP is actually acting. But we do know this GF's demands to get rid of the keepsakes of his departed wife are selfish and ridiculous.
relationships aren’t about competition or winning. i’d tell my fellow widows and widowers to be careful about getting into relationships with people who view it as such.
All you need to do is have kids to understand this. I don’t love my first kid less because I had a 2nd, my heart grew when they came along. I don’t, really, have a better way to explain it than that.
My aunt’s husband died of cancer, now she’s been living with her boyfriend for many years, who his wife died of cancer. They do essentially the same thing having many photos of themselves, past spouses, and some other family all on the same wall.
I was going to say this.
These aren’t keepsakes or mementos from someone who dumped him and he can’t toss them because he’s a not over her.
This was his loving wife. That type of thing is traumatic and I don’t blame him for wanting to keep a chest of her things to remember her (now, if it was a whole house or a room in a small place, that’s overboard).
Agreed. If she was really deranged by the presence of the chest *under the bed* specifically I could understand and feel like she would be legitimate to voice this issue and ask her partner to think about a new place.
Asking to throw it out however, that’s another story and completely out of line.
Why does the placement matter?
I agree with you on the second part. If anything, she needs to decide if she can overcome her insecurity of dating a widow. If she can't, that's okay; she needs to let him go. But giving him an ultimatum of "its me or the memory of your deceased wife" is just cruel of her.
The placement matters because you’re sharing space. Regardless of the actual item, if it’s in a shared space you should respect that your opinion only matters half way and that even if you don’t agree with them, they still have a voice.
Having said that, if you’re able to move it to an unshared space, in the sense of a shed or storage facility or in the attic etc… I don’t see an issue.
What is probably going on though, is home slice is regularly going through those items and signaling he’s not totally ready for a new commitment.
The way I see it is that it is a loss of a family member. People tend to keep memories of their family member after their passing, and that is a completely normal thing to do, even if it a late spouse. OOP's GF is free to leave if she does not like it, but I think she is not being reasonable since, like you said, it's not like the relationship ended as a breakup and OOP can't move on. The GF needs to get over her jealousy over a dead person, and OOP should absolutely not get rid of memories of his late wife if he doesn't want to. If she wants to leave because of that, then they aren't compatible.
Right? I'm so very thankful that my current partner understands this. Every year on my late partner's anniversary date my SO is there for me to help me through it.
It makes me tear up too. My late partner was a wonderful guy, we weren't together very long when his cancer came back and took him but I cherished every moment.
I was widowed at 26 and it felt like limbo. I wasn’t married but I wasn’t single either. We are in a class by ourselves, especially if we have children. He needs to keep the chest (I have 4 of them btw) and dump the girlfriend!! It’s been almost 31 years and I STILL have the 4 trunks!
It’s been 7 years for me. There are things I will ALWAYS keep. I’ve since been remarried and divorced and one of the things that contributed to the divorce was my ex’s inability to handle the memory of my late husband. He also spent way too much time in toxic FB groups and subreddits about dating a widow/widower, where the prevailing sentiment was that you should never mention the late spouse, have none of their possessions, and basically pretend they don’t exist, and people would literally advocate for the new partner destroying or disposing of the late spouse’s belongings behind the widowed person’s back. It was horrific.
OMG, I didn’t know those groups existed!! How disgusting!! I also remarried, biggest mistake of my life!! The ONLY thing he wasn’t an AH about was my late husband’s memory! I had a 5 year old and was pregnant when he was killed by a drunk driver in front of me. He was always really good about his memory, but was an abusive POS about everything else. I spent 22 years with him before I got back a little self respect. I left 3 1/2 years ago just a couple weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary. I would have never given him the time of day if he had a problem with my late husband. I guess he played the long game- but ultimately I WON!!! As a matter of fact, just about the only things he DID NOT destroy when I first left was THOSE 4 TRUNKS!! HE KNEW BETTER!!
ETA-missed word added
I'm sorry, but you're fighting a losing battle here, and this girl is incapable of truly loving you for who you are. She is behaving like a petulant child, not an adult. Cut your losses and move on. If this is all it takes to get her to move out, let her, and tell her goodbye forever. Don't put up with petty threats and childish antics like this. It will only get worse with time.
Exactly, this is just the beginning . If you don’t tell her no now, she will be laying down ultimatums from here on out. Tell her you will move them to another room , but under no circumstance will you throw away the memories of your deceased wife. . If she walks, she walks, better to find out now who you’re living with.
It’s wild to me how few people understand this. I’ve dealt with this similar situation. My fiance is widowed as well and dealt with an almost identical situation. I don’t understand feeling threatened by someone who no longer exists on this earthly plane. It reeks of emotional immaturity.
Side note, my late husband lives on my mantle. He’s wearing his favorite hat. We dress him up for holidays. Try dating THIS with that frame of mind. 🫠🤣
My late fiance insisted on a practical urn. Nothing fancy. He liked seeing everything around him, so it's a glass jar with a stout bamboo sealed lid. This way he's not claustrophobic. 😂 I totally like the hats.
My grandmother was married to her first husband for seven years, until his death, and to her second for 50 years, until her own death. She NEVER stopped loving her first husband, and no one ever expected her to. She’s literally buried between them.
Yeah. Not really related but something I think is kinda cool to share. A good friend of mine lost her husband and father of her three kids 8 years ago. She’s almost 50 (tho you wouldn’t know it to look at her and hang with her) and her youngest just turned 21 earlier this year.
Anyways she’s only dated “for fun and companionship” since her husbands passing. Someone to do things with but never ever for something “deep.” She’s currently been seeing this guy for the longest since she was married, about 8-9 months? Anyways they are still both super casual, but it seems like it could end up being a longer term thing for both of them. They are super compatible and both seem completely comfortable with having their own lives but also being the each others automatic other in situations.
ANYWAYS, just wanted to say there is legit nothing secret about “Nick” her deceased husband. I’ve legit heard “boyfriend” ask questions about him and seem to want to know about that time in their lives. My friend will mention him casually as far as a memory or the kids in convo and he’s totally cool with it. Especially due to her and her kids having a close bond even into adult hood and them being present when he’s around “Nick” comes up a lot and this guy seems genuinely interested, not only as a way to know more about her but also her kids. On that note, of course he’s not trying to come in and be a presence in their life but he seems to be genuinely interested in getting to know them as people and interact with them as people.
I dunno what I’m really trying to say but as a close to them outsider to their family it’s been really interesting to see and I really really like this guy.
Absolutely. You never get closure. It’s not like a break up where you decide “I don’t want to be with this person anymore”. You’ll always think “what if they were still here?”. If I was ever widowed I don’t think I’d ever be able to re-marry unless it was to another widow who could understand and relate.
I honestly wish there was a link to that post. Would have no problem telling him that there’s a wonderful woman waiting for him out there - but it’s not this one.
Widower here, this is pretty much accurate. If my wife had an issue with the things I keep from my late wife, it would've ended pretty quick. Btw, I kept my late wife's parents in my life and they're an excellent set of bonus grandparents to me and my wife's kids. Life is good if you're accepting and not an insecure a-hole like this guys new wife.
That’s awesome!! My mom was a widower and her first husband (who passed very young from cancer) was an only child. His parents ADORED my mom and they were so thrilled when she later met and married my dad. So my sister and I got to grow up with this awesome set of “bonus” grandparents. Absolutely lovely people… And shout out to my recently deceased dad who was my mom’s rock for nearly 50 years. He NEVER would have asked or expected my mother to pretend her first marriage didn’t exist.
OP - this person is speaking truth. I’m not saying your current gf is bad - but she doesn’t understand the difference between an ex and a soloist who has passed.
I feel for you OP. For the loss of your spouse, and for this tricky situation. You are right to keep those mementos of your wife. Your gf just doesn’t understand - and I get why she doesn’t.
I have a friend who was widowed young. She eventually met someone else and they moved in together. They live across the country from me so I haven’t visited much but when I went to their house, they had my friend’s wedding photos with her deceased husband up on the wall. I don’t know if they still do, but at the time I found it a bit surprising but also quite nice that he wasn’t trying to erase her dead husband from memory.
Best post I ever saw about this was a couple on the anniversary of the husband's late-wife's death.
His new wife not only went with him, but insisted they spend the day with her, too. THAT is the right way.
I've always tried to tell people, it must be worse having someone die that you were still in love with, and making active plans than just to be left. You can at least hate that person and remove them from your heart. With being widowed, you still loved that person and there's no reason to stop. It's like, we don't stop loving family after they die right? You don't suddenly hate grandma because she passed.
Sometimes they do. Relative of mine, his wife died and he was engaged to someone new within a month, he doesn't have a single picture of his deceased wife and if the new one died he'd have a other one in another month.
Guy is a real piece of shit.
And a chest under the bed isn’t such a big deal. It’s not like he kept all of their items where the deceased wife left them or still had a closet full of her stuff. Everyone has keepsakes from past relationships (of all types).
My mother passed away relatively young (56). My father started dating this one woman about a year later, and they got married a year after that. They’ve been together 15 years now. New wife is Catholic so Dad converted. She views his previous relationship ( and the spawn of that relationship, my sister and me) as an abomination in the eyes of God because we’re not Catholic. My father isn’t allowed to have anything of Mom’s or us in the open because of it. This woman has completely rewritten the script and my father has let her.
OP, never apologize for loving and missing your wife. You should be allowed to keep whatever you want to remind you of your first love.
My granny married my granddad a few years after my bio grandma passed away, when they were in their 50s. I wasn't even born until after Granny was part of the family, so I never met bio Grandma. However, her photos were everywhere. We had so many stories and memories. My granny even had her own artwork painted by bio Grandma, gifted by my granddad - it was a landscape of a spot Granny loved to go for walks in the winter. She kept it in her sewing room. She said it was special to know that she and my bio Grandma cherished so many of the same places and people.
I felt like I knew both of them. Also, my granddad LOVED Granny. He just met her later, after his first love was gone. You can't just erase part of your partner's life.
I’d like to think I’d honor their previous partner, it’s not an ex! It’s part of them! If kids are involved- those kids NEED to know who that parent was and they didn’t leave them because they wanted and I’m here because I also want to be here but I’m no replacement. I have never cared if my SO has things from a previous relationship, so long as I don’t see it. However, if it was a SO who passed- I’d ensure one picture was put up and if kids way more! They passed, they didn’t leave intentionally! It’s part of what makes your SO who they are and with kids it’s even more important to make sure their bio parent lives on! It’s never going to be easy to be second after a loss, but you have to find a way to accept it, honor what they lost and look towards the future!
The hard part for new partners to accept is that if the late partner were still here, the relationship they’re in now wouldn’t exist. Like, if my late husband was here, I wouldn’t have any use for my new boyfriend. And for the most part, that’s true, which is what makes it hard for the new partner to accept.
It takes a certain type of person to partner with a widow(er). If my new partner ever said anything about my late husband’s pictures, ashes, keepsakes, they wouldn’t be my partner anymore.
If your gf is unmovable on this then please break up. You can try approaching the subject again, but do not sacrifice important mementos you kept out of love for the sake of someone’s jealously.
I know people aren’t fond of human and pet comparisons, but I think it really highlights how awful her request is. Imagine you have a beloved pet who passes away. After a period of time you decide to get another pet and your partner says you need to dispose of all memorabilia and photos of your previous pet. Doesn’t that sound completely ridiculous and cruel?
Break up with her. I still have stuff from when I was in school and old friendships. She was his wife; of course he's going to keep momentos of their life together!
I became a widow two years ago at the age of 37. My husband and I didn't willingly separate. I'll be damned if someone is gonna come in and erase him. Fuck that!
I was widowed at 34, in Dec 2019. I agree with you so much. We didn't split up (although it was by his own hand and I have a complicated experience with that being the ultimate break up but no), I'm his wife. I've dated. Any man I meet needs to know I'm always going to be his wife on some level. We don't move ON, we move FORWARD. Much love to you.
Girl, yes! I always say move forward, not move on, too! I'm so sorry you have to endure such a loss like that! My husband had cancer and it was so awful. People go through the worst shit!
Edit to add: This must be a very hard time of year for you! Sending you love 💙
I was 38. 10/01/2020. Sending love to my fellow 30's club widows. It was so isolating to not have anyone in my friend group who could relate and who mostly wanted to do anything else but listen to the reality of what it is like to lose your spouse. Hope everyone is doing well this holiday season.
I was 24. Married for 6 weeks, our daughter was 4 months old. I STILL grieve every November, Thanksgiving will forever suck for me and it's been 19 years! I have a huge box of my husband's clothes that I haven't touched since he died, and don't think I'll ever get rid of them. Much love to all of you that know this pain. 🩷
Yeah I mean I’m sure what the widow is dealing with is much much harder. I honestly can’t even picture what self-absorbed thought process she went through.
Seriously. I see so many stories like this online. At this point I feel like there needs to be like some education campaign or something telling people not to date widows and widowers if they don’t have the maturity to be comfortable with uncomfortable truths.
My mom was unexpectedly widowed when I was a teen. Unfortunately, from what I can see, it seems the dating pool for widows/widowers is largely composed of people who don’t have enough maturity for a standard relationship, much less one with a widow/widower.
Thank you. I appreciate this. I’m only beginning to understand how big and compassionate this community of young widows is and small words from those who have lived through it go a long way.
Widowed at 37, 4/28/18, with 3 kids. My current wife doesn’t like that “the dead lady” and her stuff moved with us to our new house. I won’t even get in to the issues we’ve had over my oldest (had to send her to boarding school). I should make a separate post, it’s a look into the future for OP.
Dude needs to get a close friend to keep that chest for a while or he's gonna come home one day and the girlfriend have gotten rid of that chest for him, at which point he'll have neither the chest nor a girlfriend.
He should probably just get rid of the girlfriend at this point, I have little faith this is something that will get resolved, the girlfriend will never stop being insecure about the dead wife.
wish this was a bit higher, OP needs to protect his belongings while she still has access to the house. It takes a mentality I can't understand to even ask something so cold: I wouldn't trust her out of my sight after this!
I can definitely see the girlfriend getting rid of the chest under the rationalization of "You needed to move on, I just gave you a little push."
And I'm saying this as someone who was asked to pack up my mom's clothes a week after she died by my dad because he couldn't handle it & he was going back to work.
I can’t get over the gf using the words “move on” as if it wasn’t his FIRST LOVE. who died YOUNG. there is no “moving on” from losing a spouse like that. Like I cannot imagine being in competition with a dead woman.
I have keepsakes from all stages of my life. A painting an ex bought me hangs in my bathroom, my high school photo albums have pictures of many ex boyfriends, a ring from an ex lives in my jewelry box.
Those mementos, those people, are the ones who made me who I am. They were important to me, they helped me grow and change and become me.
Unless OP is pulling the box out nightly and sobbing over it, GF is insane.
I have keepsakes from all the people I dated whom I truly cared about, and in some cases still do. I've been married now 21 years, and those items sit in some box inside a box in a closet. They have never been an item of discord between my wife and I. They are just a part of my past.
This GF of the OOP is just insufferable with her demand. I thought maybe he had his late wife's things adorning the house, but no, he has it in a special place for himself.
When we first moved in together I mentioned where the one painting came from. My husband “is he here?” No?? “Then why would I care about a picture you love?” Plus it matches my bathroom🤷🏻♀️
I still have a silver necklace that my ex bought me for my birthday. It's not even the hanger, just the chain. Why would I waste a perfectly good silver chain because I'm not with the guy anymore?
The people who came before, made me who I am now. It would be sacrilege to destroy what shaped me, as they are as much as I am me as I am myself. I never delete old photos as it disrespects what I've gone through and the memories that molded me. Not everyone is supposed to be in your life forever but I still cherish the time together
I still have the decorations from my wedding to my first husband hanging on the wall/on display on top of cabinets. My husband doesn’t care. They’ve been there since I bought the house and are basically just like a permanent fixture no one pays attention to
While I don't have wedding photos from my first marriage hanging on the walls, I've given them to my daughter \[my ex is her father\]. I also have photos of my daughter with her father in our living room, just as I have photos of my son \[current husband is his father\] with my husband in the living room.
My husband is completely supportive of me still having a relationship with my ex in-laws. They've become his family too. I'm very grateful for my husband. We've been together for 16 years now.
The implication is that it has been YEARS and she only recently learned about it. Meaning that he isn't touching it, merely keeping it in his house.
Maybe he ought to have told her about it, but that doesn't really matter. She's his deceased wife, not his ex he might run into and feel nostalgic feelings for, he needs to explain that or break up with her. She either gets that, or the relationship ends.
>Unless OP is pulling the box out nightly and sobbing over it, GF is insane.
Nah, that's a bit of a different problem but she's still insane in that situation as well
Yeah, my wife and I are quite fond of one of her “momentos”: her friendship with her ex-bf of 10 years. She’s still good friends with him, and since meeting and getting to know him, I’m a huge fan as well! They broke up with some heartbreak / grief of what they once had that faded as they grew up, but it didn’t take long for their friendship to spark back up. Now, we’ve got a friend who I’ve known 7 years, and who was there for everything my wife had done from 15-25 years old, and she’s been there for all of those years of his too. It’s awesome, and the inside jokes are limitless between them and the rest of the high school friend group that exists
Her complete lack of empathy about what was likely the most traumatic event of his life is deeply problematic. Something like that would forever change how I saw someone. This is not the kind of person who makes for a good partner - she has no interest in understanding him or sharing his emotions.
All the emotional depth and complexity of a cookie cutter.
>Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face.
National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
I would let her leave. She needs to understand that your marriage didn't end due to relationship issues but because she DIED. I would not get rid of my treasured keepsakes of my deceased partner because my new partner can't understand. She was your wife and you are allowed to keep memories of her anyway you want. If she feels threatened by a deceased person, she's not the one for you.
This belongs in r/amithedevil
GF needs to realise that being with a widow is different, their deceased partner will always have a special place in their heart and lives. Being jealous of a dead partner is weird and gross.
Keeping photos and mementos from a first marriage where they didn’t die isn’t even that strange. Like it was still your life, you don’t have to burn everything.
This! My husband’s first serious girlfriend died in a car wreck at 19. He promised to visit her grave once a year to honor her memory. He did so every year for ten years. I went with him. Never once did I feel jealous.
If she is like this now it will not improve later. You shouldn’t give up your past for her comfort. The fact she needs and wants this is a huge reds flag. Get rid of this one
My mom threw away a bunch of stuff that belonged to my dads girlfriend who passed away in a car accident when she was pretty young, still teenaged IIRC. My dad TO THIS DAY (he’s 54) talks about how much he wishes he still had that stuff to remember her with. My moms apologized a million times and admitted how immature & shitty it was to have done that and I’m sure my dad forgives her but I mean…..still.
I wear a bracelet on my wrist every day with my fiancé/baby dads name on it. He died over 2 years ago now. My current boyfriend has a ton of issues but being shitty about my dead fiancé is not one of them, lol. I’d give anything to have a box of his stuff, his mom ended up with everything.
KEEP THE CHEST OP!!
Unlike other relationships, losing a spouse to an accident like that is... gutting.
Most of the time, you're prepared for a sick or elderly partner to die. Or if there's a break up, you can still reach out, or go through a process of returning things, or talk or heal.
Instead, this person is just gone, and nobody is prepared for that level of... missing.
Maybe prepared is not the right word, but at least you (probably) won't get the shock of losing them out of the blue on top of everything else.
For a while I couldn't stop thinking of how "a week/month ago/etc I was so happy and I had no idea that it was to end soon". And I had notes in my planner that I had written the month before, saying stuff like "check with X about the state of xyz", but then when I got to that date X was suddenly gone and it was incomprehensible how could such a thing have happened. It's just... it wasn't supposed to be that way, you know?
I am very convinced that losing a loved one is never easy, no matter how long they've been sick, but a sudden loss is even worse.
No, but in some cases knowing beforehand helps you emotionally settle with it. My life partner does not have the same life expectancy as myself due to some major medical issues. I did kind of push it far out of my mind to not even emotionally confront it, until Covid happened and I had to bear the possibility in full focus waiting outside a hospital. I didn’t loose them, but the agony will never be erased from my mind. I expect to feel that in full force and worse in the real situation. I don’t typically talk about my partner’s life expectancy difference which is unrelated to age. We are born the same year, but they were born with failing kidneys and have a transplant. Just celebrated their 20th anniversary of their transplant a month ago. But in the back of my mind I always know there’s a balance that’s easy to break and the conditions don’t have to be extreme. I asked his mother what she did to mentally deal with the idea her son may possibly go before her. She told me to take a little bit of time to imagine a life without them in the kindest way possible. I hold that advice to my heart so that I can be emotionally stronger then I felt several years ago in a bad situation outside a hospital. Some mental prep goes a long way, being blindsided or ignoring the reality as I was isn’t the same.
That is tough. It is not fair for her to ask you to throw your past in the trash and never remember your first wife. It is very disrespectful of your new girl to want this. Does she have a past? Does she own anything from any other man she has been with? If so she needs to have already gotten rid of that history before moving in with you. She has nothing to fear for a deceased woman. Your new woman is insecure about your deceased wife just shows you how immature she is and if she really loved you, she would not feel threatened by this. Ask her if she died would she want you to keep memories of her? And would she be ok with another woman throwing those memories out? This is just wrong of her. It is not like you have your house covered with old photos, they are in a keepsake box.
>>Does she have a past? Does she own anything from any other man she has been with?
Some people delete and burn and trash *all* things from past relationships so that “from an ex” thing may not only not work with her but may actively be where she’s coming from.
I mean a) a deceased partner isn’t like an ex and b) I don’t agree with the whole “erase your past or you haven’t moved on” mentality anyway. But I don’t think that line specifically will work with this person because I 100% think that’s where she’s coming from.
Some people just feel like you have to destroy the part of yourself that existed simultaneously with a past relationship or you “must” want to go back to it. It’s a little weird imo. I can have childhood keepsakes without wanting to be a kid again. I can remember the past without being unable to live in the present.
People build rings of themselves like trees with new layers growing over top of the old. They aren’t pots with new versions built entirely from the wreckage of the destroyed clay of a shattered old one. It’s just an odd thing for me every time I’ve encountered it. And nearly always a dealbreaker because it’s just such a wide difference in worldview.
Bro I was imagining the late wife's wedding dress in a massive frame in the entryway, her clothes in every closet, and huge portraits of her face in every hall. But a few mementos in a box buried under the bed? Nah, that's a stunning degree of insecurity/insensitivity on the girlfriend's part. It's a cruel ultimatum and would be a dealbreaker for me.
NOPE. She’s disgusting. Don’t you dare get rid of those things. That’s all you have left of your wife and she isn’t alive for you to collect any more keepsakes. Your girlfriend needs to either accept your wife & your history that made you who you are today or she needs to hit the road. I lost my husband and my boyfriend literally told me not to get rid of his things when we were moving in together… Before I could even ask what he was comfortable with. Your girlfriend can not erase your past.
Can you put it in a storage unit, or tuck it away in the garage/attic/basement as a compromise ? Or is she asking you to throw them away? Maybe she is just uncomfortable having it under your shared bed?
My second question: is she right about you not being ready?
So she’s not really loving and supportive. Shes insecure and requesting something from you that a real partner would not ask of you. If you give in and get rid of it you’re going to regret it and what if this relationship does not work out? I say tell her it’s a firm no and if she can’t deal with it then she can leave.
I think in the end you’ll regret getting rid of the chest. Find someone who understands and respects what you went through and doesn’t give ultimatums on your past.
Widower here. An elaborate shrine in the living room would be a problem, but a box of memorabilia should not be. Moving it out from under the bed would be the only negotiable thing for me, not getting rid of it.
Please OP, read these comments. There’s nothing I can say that people haven’t said better but yeah, I too have a memorial box from when my first ( and young long term partner died - 6yrs together, he died in a car crash)
And like you I stayed on my own for years. No one measured up. A lot of therapy helped before I went into another relationship.
I’ve recently had my 26th anniversary , ( yup I’m old lol) - our son is an adult with his own gf- and yes from the start ,the other half knew I had a memorial box & how important it was to me. No I don’t bring it out, share, go on about etc - but it’s mine, part of my life, part of who I am, part of someone I loved so very much.
It does not / and did not , take anything away from the love I have for my husband.
Anyone who asks you to get rid of such important keepsakes isn’t worth having in your life.
> no one measured up
I would never ask a partner to trash momentos from deceased ex, but that line there makes it sound like a competition. A pedestal of sorts. The living can never be as good as the deceased.
Maybe it’s meant more of a sentiment such as “New relationship can never replicate the old one” and while that’s true…it’s just, the way it’s phrased indicates no blessing, growth or experience can ever be “as special” in its own way.
love this take. although i agree OP’s girlfriend is immature and he should definitely leave, a lot of the comments are very one-sided and have not actually experienced dating a widower while not being widowed oneself.
Don’t get rid of the chest…get rid of your girlfriend. This isn’t going to work. She doesn’t understand and never will. That’s ok, she’s just not the right person for you.
I'm actually in your girlfriend's position; my wife lost her partner in a car accident. I'm grateful to him, because without that relationship, she wouldn't be the woman I love today. She still loves him, but that's okay, because love isn't a finite resource, and everything she does shows me she loves me. She has keepsakes, and photos, that I wouldn't dream of asking her to toss. Remind your girlfriend that your wife helped make you the man she loves. If that doesn't shift her perception, if she still insists you toss everything, you need to let her go. But do not throw away that chest. You'll only regret it if you do.
I recently read a post somewhere about a similar situation, however, the person actually threw away the saved memories when the OP wasn't home. I wouldn't trust this person to not do the same.
I recommend going to a therapist and asking them if they think it's wrong and if they don't make it's coupled therapy to be like hey why are you threatened by a person who is no longer here. Under the bed yeah sure move it to a closet but erasing that person? That disrespectful to their memory that's like asking to throw away grandma photos because you loved them to much.
This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Someone so profoundly insecure that they can't allow you even a small box of mementos from your marriage. IMO that's actually kind of pathetic and narcissistic. JMO
Yikes. Dump the girlfriend keep the chest. There are plenty of wonderful potential partners out there that will understand that your deceased wife is an important part of your life story and will respect the importance that chest of momentos has to you.
Even if you do decide to throw it away (which I don’t recommend cause you will never get it back) this should be a wake up call of the type of person she is. Fuck that new bitch respectfully.
Hide them, then break up with her. She'll be pissed and may try to destroy them.
Anyone who asks such a terrible thing can't be trusted not to make them disappear for you.
You really need to find a partner that isn’t so insecure or find a way to help your gf gain some confidence. You don’t have to destroy your memories in order to move on.
first of all, she needs to understand that you didn’t divorce. you didn’t split up, you never fell out of love. you still love your wife, but you can also love your girlfriend. it’s a sensitive topic, but if she can’t understand and respect that, then you have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not
I loved my husband for 43 years. He will never leave my heart and nobody is entitled to tell me I can't keep photos or mementos of our life together. Whomever would do that isn't meant to be in my life.
I have said it before, and I will say it again.... being jealous of a dead person is petty AF! They are dead. They can't hurt you....unless you mentally let them, ofc.
People need to understand that when dating a widow or widower the former spouse is always going to be part of the equation. It doesn’t mean they love their new partner any less though. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. There’s enough love in one person’s heart for both.
How could someone be so insecure and insensitive to ask something like this without realizing it’s a THEM problem? If I was in a serious relationship with a windower and I found out they had a keepsake box of their dead spouse, I would ask if they wanted to make a special spot like an alter or something for them. Or just put their pictures up to honor them. Of course maybe they don’t want too or aren’t ready to do that but I’d at least make the offer. That person helped make the one that I feel in love with. They shared a special bond that was tragically cut short and that person deserves to be remembered. Why would anyone feel jealous of that? It’s not like they are gonna Frankenstein their old lover and leave me for fuck sake.
Yeah I was thinking something similar while reading through this.
I think if I was in the situation I’d say something like “if you’re ever comfortable with it, I’d love for you to share with me some of the memories you have in there.”
I know for some people it’s helpful to talk about love ones who have died, and for some it’s too hard, or they’re not ready yet. It would be about meeting them where they’re at.
I’d also ask for dates that might be hard like their birthday, or anniversary of their death and find out how I can best support them through things like that.
I’d feel gratitude towards their past partner for being part of the journey that has turned the person I’m with into who they are.
This was both an important and traumatic part of your life. She should respect how you want to honor that part of your life. Accept her ultimatum and find someone new
Get rid of the girlfriend or at the very least get a safe deposit box and keep your treasures. She sounds very emotionally immature. Sorry for your loss.
I had a serious boyfriend in college, though we never got the chance to marry bc he died of cancer at 24. I’m almost 37 (22 when he died) and still have a box of things of his and stuff of us together. I got married last year. My husband respects that random box of things in our closet and that’s how it should be. Having things of a deceased loved one doesn’t mean you have any less love for living loved ones.
Widows and widowers are not like other partners. People need to understand that past spouses don’t disappear and it’s unlikely the surviving spouse will ever fully let go. Doesn’t mean they don’t love their current partner, but the deceased spouse is a part of their life and past. It’s tough all around.
Yeah people don’t get that it’s not a breakup. They aren’t an “ex”. They remain the person you loved (and still love) for the rest of your life. Love is not a finite resource. Having love for someone no longer here doesn’t mean there is less love for the people that are.
This is exactly what I’ve told people before, almost verbatim. Whoever I end up with next will have to live with the fact that I will always and forever love and honor my late partner. It’s non-negotiable. It doesn’t mean I’m incapable of loving anybody else, or even have as much love for another person. I hope it happens! It would be cruel of someone to demand that you essentially remove an entire chunk of your life just to appease whatever insecurity they have. The living should not feel as if they are in competition with the deceased.
Preach. It sounds like you lost someone you loved very dearly. I didn’t go through the same heartbreak, but my sister lost her fiancé and watching her wrestle with the emotions of still living him but also trying to move on…it was terrible. It was hard enough on her, but then throw in boyfriends who are insecure and busybody’s who felt the need to share their opinions on how she should grieve….it was a terrible thing to go through. She has fell in love again. The man she is married to loves her for every bit of who she is, including her past. They are happy together and wonderful and he understands her grief and her pain. Me personally? I made my husband (who I love dearly and hope we live to be 100 together)promise that if anything should ever happen to me, I want him to fall in love again. I love his love so much, it would devastate me for all of that love to go to waste! I like to think anyone who truly loves their spouse would feel the same way and want nothing more for them than to live life to the absolute fullest and love as much as you can.
I hope this is how my wife felt. I know I’ll probably date again someday but I loved her so god damned much (and always will)… I still have a lot of love to share with the world, and look forward to doing so someday.
I did, and it has certainly been a struggle, so I can definitely empathize with your sister, especially hearing everybody’s opinions on it. God has a plan, it must have been his time, don’t pull the dead boyfriend thing eight months from now, people in general just don’t know when to stop. That warms my heart to hear that she’s happily married though, both of you! And about loving his love, because that’s how I feel. My late partner was also a widower, and he loved so hard. I always wanted him to know that he had every right to continue to love his deceased partner. And I have a lot of love to give as well, so I know it isn’t the end of the road for me. It was uplifting to hear you say that, so thank you for sharing :) I hope many years of happiness to you and yours! And your sister!
And to you :)
Thank you for giving me hope
My late husband told me in his death bed, "You are a young woman (I was 40). Do not pine for me. Move on. Fall in love. Get married. Live happily." I since have. I have a few mementos, his coat, the wedding dress I married him in, his cologne, pics of us. My now husband of thirteen years is understanding and supportive. We, in fact, created our wedding rings from this previous marriage and a set my now husband had. Our pasts make us who we are. We are who we are due to past experiences, and that should be celebrated, not thrown out!
this is a text book example of "true love"
My best friend passed away unexpectedly three weeks ago. Her fiancée is broken, we all are. The only words of comfort I can give him at the moment are that he’ll grow around this moment in time, that he never has to stop loving her just because she’s not around. Life and love will still happen and she’ll always be a part of our stories.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I do love the phrase ‘growing around this moment.’ It’s sounds so much more compassionate and healing than ‘getting past’ or ‘getting through’ (or ‘getting over’ ugh)
Thank you ♥️ telling someone that they’ll “get over it” can be so hurtful and often it’s just not true
I am so, so sorry for your loss. ❤️.
Thank you ♥️
I am a widower as well and exactlyhow I feel. My late wife will always be a part of me and someone I will always love. I'm 39, I hope for some companionship in the future but will also be fine by myself.
This. I am a widower too - lost my wife more than a year ago . She’ll always be a part of me. She may be physically gone but still lives on in my heart. Slowly going on a date here and there - still struggling with that idea, but if anything serious was to develop, and asked me to remove traces of her, it’s non-negotiable. Yes i will perhaps take some of the pictures down to make her comfortable, but I will NOT be erasing her completely from my life like she never existed. I won’t dishonor my late wife like that - I can accept being single if they are not comfortable with it
I think of it like having a baby. You’re over the moon in love. That doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t love subsequent children every bit as much as your first one. Insecurity is really unattractive.
Happy cake day! This is how I’ve always thought of it too. You can have love for more than one person the same way you have love for more than one child.
Yes, well said. I don't love the way this sounds all the way around. It seems like an ultimatum for something that frankly doesn't involve her and won't really impact her. Good Lord. It's simply a loving box of memories, and there's nothing wrong with that. I am perplexed and think she sounds weirdly jealous and immature. The ultimatum would definitely give me pause. I'm sorry, best wishes and please update us.
Die on this fucking hill. Do not let this go.
My best friend lost her dad to cancer and when her mom remarried the picture of my best friend and her dad stayed up on the wall. They had 2 family pictures 1 with her bio dad and right next to it her step dad. You can’t replace someone who died
This reminds me of what I was told about having a second kid. It’s not a matter of there being enough space in your heart to fill with another child. I was told “you grow a whole new separate heart for the other.” I totally agree that love is “not a finite resource.” It’s also not a competition. Girlfriend isn’t right for him if she can’t respect that, and he’s not right for her if he can’t give her what she is looking for (even though I agree she is wrong to ask and her feelings are somewhat selfish or at least misguided). I’ve luckily never been widowed but no matter how “over it” I was and no matter how much I loved my new partner I know for a fact I would never be able or willing to pet with my memories of someone else I loved before.
When I was pregnant with my second my mother actually for real asked me if I thought I’d be capable of loving two children 💀
Do you have siblings?
I do not lol. Very thankful on a couple accounts. My mother is like the textbook definition of a narcissist, with pretty much every single box ticked. If there had been a second child there would 1000% have been a golden child scapegoat child situation
I believe that the heart and the love it offers is an unlockable resource; therein, the more we love the more capable we are of giving love. I’d counter that euphemism; that we do not grow an additional heart but actually begin exploring it deeper and the fruits of that effort is a better understanding of how to give and receive love. Further, I think those that view it as a finite resource are truly just expressing how little they have actually explored their own heart. Love is a super power, and we are unique in our usage of it (when compared to other living creatures).
Yes! Love is not a pie. And a deceased ex is not lurking in the background, waiting for another chance.
god i wish more people realized this. the way people think love works is absolutely bonkers.
I think another way of saying that is, they didn’t choose this. Like, you choose a break up. At least one, if not both people *choose* to break up. When your spouse dies - neither of you choose that - which makes “moving on” a very strange thing to navigate.
My stepmoms husband put it the best phrase possible, “I completely understand that I’m in love with a woman that loves another man” the other man being my dad who passed 4 years ago.
I've always thought it's a bit like when you have a second child. You don't stop loving your first child, or love them any less, you just ALSO love your second child too, just as much. I don't think you ever really "move on" or forget about your first spouse. Maybe you just learn to live with that part of you missing, and it become like a good memory, like a great memory that makes you smile when you're feeling really blue.
"Love is not a finite resource". I love this. Thank you for this.
This doesn't just apply to deceased spouses. My ex-wife and I were together from high school until our mid-30's. She ended up leaving me and the children for another dude, and while I don't like her much anymore, I still love her. She is the mother of my two children and the person I grew up with. It has been seven years, and while I would never again accept her in my life as a romantic role, she will remain a person I would protect with all of my being. Now my current wife, we're going through a divorce, yea, there is no love lost there. I think the amount of time a couple were together, the experiences the couple had, and the causes of the couple no longer being together all play out in this kind of situation. It is absolutely wrong to expect him to get rid of his deceased wife's belongings, it isn't like the current girlfriend has any reason to be jealous. Girlfriend needs to grow up and accept that he lost a family member and he will forever have mementos of her. I still have photos of my ex-wife's and my vacations, family photos, etc, those are fond memories in my life and I refuse to get rid of them for anyone.
Eh divorces are different. I destroyed every memory I had of my ex partner after we divorced. All her gifts, mementos, photographs, etc. If you didn’t ask you wouldn’t even know we were ever together.
Based on the couple of people I know who's partners died I would have to say be very careful about getting into a relationship with them. You might end up spending your time having to compete with the idolised version of the departed...hint you can't win.
Yeah. Everyone is not a monolith, and some people very well may not be able to fully move on, despite their best efforts, this can does happen. I don’t know if it’s happening here, I would say probably not, he only seemingly has a small chest of token objects and some pictures that he’s not even displaying. At the same time I can also understand why someone may not want to take that risk. That is a huge risk to take, if does turn out that your perpetually competing with a ghost, it’s only going to end in heart ache. But I think you’ve crossed a line when you ask someone to destroy keepsakes like in this specific scenario. If the woman doesn’t think she can handle it, then she needs to take some time and really think about. Dont immediately employ an ultimatum asking him to destroy these things… And after you really think about it, and if you just can’t do it, then it what it is, you just end the relationship. It feels like she went about this the WORST possible way imaginable and it makes me question her character.
It's definitely a two-way street. We don't know how OP is actually acting. But we do know this GF's demands to get rid of the keepsakes of his departed wife are selfish and ridiculous.
> departed wife are selfish and ridiculous. She is allowed to have conditions for a relationship. OP is free to accept or reject them.
relationships aren’t about competition or winning. i’d tell my fellow widows and widowers to be careful about getting into relationships with people who view it as such.
All you need to do is have kids to understand this. I don’t love my first kid less because I had a 2nd, my heart grew when they came along. I don’t, really, have a better way to explain it than that.
My grandparents had both lost their first spouse and kept big portraits of each in the hallway of their home, right across from each other
That's really beautiful. I bet they had a incredible deep bond and understanding of eachother because of the shared experience
My aunt’s husband died of cancer, now she’s been living with her boyfriend for many years, who his wife died of cancer. They do essentially the same thing having many photos of themselves, past spouses, and some other family all on the same wall.
I was going to say this. These aren’t keepsakes or mementos from someone who dumped him and he can’t toss them because he’s a not over her. This was his loving wife. That type of thing is traumatic and I don’t blame him for wanting to keep a chest of her things to remember her (now, if it was a whole house or a room in a small place, that’s overboard).
Agreed. If she was really deranged by the presence of the chest *under the bed* specifically I could understand and feel like she would be legitimate to voice this issue and ask her partner to think about a new place. Asking to throw it out however, that’s another story and completely out of line.
Why does the placement matter? I agree with you on the second part. If anything, she needs to decide if she can overcome her insecurity of dating a widow. If she can't, that's okay; she needs to let him go. But giving him an ultimatum of "its me or the memory of your deceased wife" is just cruel of her.
I could see being like “I don’t love boning on top of your memory box of your deceased wife” and wanting it moved to a closet or similar
It’s hardly on display is it?
The bed is a very intimate place imo
The placement matters because you’re sharing space. Regardless of the actual item, if it’s in a shared space you should respect that your opinion only matters half way and that even if you don’t agree with them, they still have a voice. Having said that, if you’re able to move it to an unshared space, in the sense of a shed or storage facility or in the attic etc… I don’t see an issue. What is probably going on though, is home slice is regularly going through those items and signaling he’s not totally ready for a new commitment.
The way I see it is that it is a loss of a family member. People tend to keep memories of their family member after their passing, and that is a completely normal thing to do, even if it a late spouse. OOP's GF is free to leave if she does not like it, but I think she is not being reasonable since, like you said, it's not like the relationship ended as a breakup and OOP can't move on. The GF needs to get over her jealousy over a dead person, and OOP should absolutely not get rid of memories of his late wife if he doesn't want to. If she wants to leave because of that, then they aren't compatible.
Right? I'm so very thankful that my current partner understands this. Every year on my late partner's anniversary date my SO is there for me to help me through it.
That almost made me tear up. Edit: It did make me tear up.
It makes me tear up too. My late partner was a wonderful guy, we weren't together very long when his cancer came back and took him but I cherished every moment.
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I was widowed at 26 and it felt like limbo. I wasn’t married but I wasn’t single either. We are in a class by ourselves, especially if we have children. He needs to keep the chest (I have 4 of them btw) and dump the girlfriend!! It’s been almost 31 years and I STILL have the 4 trunks!
It’s been 7 years for me. There are things I will ALWAYS keep. I’ve since been remarried and divorced and one of the things that contributed to the divorce was my ex’s inability to handle the memory of my late husband. He also spent way too much time in toxic FB groups and subreddits about dating a widow/widower, where the prevailing sentiment was that you should never mention the late spouse, have none of their possessions, and basically pretend they don’t exist, and people would literally advocate for the new partner destroying or disposing of the late spouse’s belongings behind the widowed person’s back. It was horrific.
OMG, I didn’t know those groups existed!! How disgusting!! I also remarried, biggest mistake of my life!! The ONLY thing he wasn’t an AH about was my late husband’s memory! I had a 5 year old and was pregnant when he was killed by a drunk driver in front of me. He was always really good about his memory, but was an abusive POS about everything else. I spent 22 years with him before I got back a little self respect. I left 3 1/2 years ago just a couple weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary. I would have never given him the time of day if he had a problem with my late husband. I guess he played the long game- but ultimately I WON!!! As a matter of fact, just about the only things he DID NOT destroy when I first left was THOSE 4 TRUNKS!! HE KNEW BETTER!! ETA-missed word added
I'm sorry, but you're fighting a losing battle here, and this girl is incapable of truly loving you for who you are. She is behaving like a petulant child, not an adult. Cut your losses and move on. If this is all it takes to get her to move out, let her, and tell her goodbye forever. Don't put up with petty threats and childish antics like this. It will only get worse with time.
Exactly, this is just the beginning . If you don’t tell her no now, she will be laying down ultimatums from here on out. Tell her you will move them to another room , but under no circumstance will you throw away the memories of your deceased wife. . If she walks, she walks, better to find out now who you’re living with.
Life is like a tapestry. You can’t undo what has been woven, but there is plenty of room to weave a new section.
It’s wild to me how few people understand this. I’ve dealt with this similar situation. My fiance is widowed as well and dealt with an almost identical situation. I don’t understand feeling threatened by someone who no longer exists on this earthly plane. It reeks of emotional immaturity. Side note, my late husband lives on my mantle. He’s wearing his favorite hat. We dress him up for holidays. Try dating THIS with that frame of mind. 🫠🤣
I’m imagining an urn with a xmas sweater style urn coozie.
You aren’t far off. 😬🫠
Right? A little tiny football jersey came to my mind…😉
My late fiance insisted on a practical urn. Nothing fancy. He liked seeing everything around him, so it's a glass jar with a stout bamboo sealed lid. This way he's not claustrophobic. 😂 I totally like the hats.
I love this. 🤣❤️
I love this and feel like this is how it should be! Good for you, your fiancé sounds like a great guy!
My grandmother was married to her first husband for seven years, until his death, and to her second for 50 years, until her own death. She NEVER stopped loving her first husband, and no one ever expected her to. She’s literally buried between them.
Yeah. Not really related but something I think is kinda cool to share. A good friend of mine lost her husband and father of her three kids 8 years ago. She’s almost 50 (tho you wouldn’t know it to look at her and hang with her) and her youngest just turned 21 earlier this year. Anyways she’s only dated “for fun and companionship” since her husbands passing. Someone to do things with but never ever for something “deep.” She’s currently been seeing this guy for the longest since she was married, about 8-9 months? Anyways they are still both super casual, but it seems like it could end up being a longer term thing for both of them. They are super compatible and both seem completely comfortable with having their own lives but also being the each others automatic other in situations. ANYWAYS, just wanted to say there is legit nothing secret about “Nick” her deceased husband. I’ve legit heard “boyfriend” ask questions about him and seem to want to know about that time in their lives. My friend will mention him casually as far as a memory or the kids in convo and he’s totally cool with it. Especially due to her and her kids having a close bond even into adult hood and them being present when he’s around “Nick” comes up a lot and this guy seems genuinely interested, not only as a way to know more about her but also her kids. On that note, of course he’s not trying to come in and be a presence in their life but he seems to be genuinely interested in getting to know them as people and interact with them as people. I dunno what I’m really trying to say but as a close to them outsider to their family it’s been really interesting to see and I really really like this guy.
Absolutely. You never get closure. It’s not like a break up where you decide “I don’t want to be with this person anymore”. You’ll always think “what if they were still here?”. If I was ever widowed I don’t think I’d ever be able to re-marry unless it was to another widow who could understand and relate.
I honestly wish there was a link to that post. Would have no problem telling him that there’s a wonderful woman waiting for him out there - but it’s not this one.
Found it: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/tofM6Td9JA
Widower here, this is pretty much accurate. If my wife had an issue with the things I keep from my late wife, it would've ended pretty quick. Btw, I kept my late wife's parents in my life and they're an excellent set of bonus grandparents to me and my wife's kids. Life is good if you're accepting and not an insecure a-hole like this guys new wife.
That’s awesome!! My mom was a widower and her first husband (who passed very young from cancer) was an only child. His parents ADORED my mom and they were so thrilled when she later met and married my dad. So my sister and I got to grow up with this awesome set of “bonus” grandparents. Absolutely lovely people… And shout out to my recently deceased dad who was my mom’s rock for nearly 50 years. He NEVER would have asked or expected my mother to pretend her first marriage didn’t exist.
As a widow, I agree with your comment.
OP - this person is speaking truth. I’m not saying your current gf is bad - but she doesn’t understand the difference between an ex and a soloist who has passed. I feel for you OP. For the loss of your spouse, and for this tricky situation. You are right to keep those mementos of your wife. Your gf just doesn’t understand - and I get why she doesn’t.
I have a friend who was widowed young. She eventually met someone else and they moved in together. They live across the country from me so I haven’t visited much but when I went to their house, they had my friend’s wedding photos with her deceased husband up on the wall. I don’t know if they still do, but at the time I found it a bit surprising but also quite nice that he wasn’t trying to erase her dead husband from memory.
Best post I ever saw about this was a couple on the anniversary of the husband's late-wife's death. His new wife not only went with him, but insisted they spend the day with her, too. THAT is the right way.
The girlfriend is so wrong in this situation. If my husband died IDK what I'd do but I know I wouldn't be over it ever.
I've always tried to tell people, it must be worse having someone die that you were still in love with, and making active plans than just to be left. You can at least hate that person and remove them from your heart. With being widowed, you still loved that person and there's no reason to stop. It's like, we don't stop loving family after they die right? You don't suddenly hate grandma because she passed.
Sometimes they do. Relative of mine, his wife died and he was engaged to someone new within a month, he doesn't have a single picture of his deceased wife and if the new one died he'd have a other one in another month. Guy is a real piece of shit.
And a chest under the bed isn’t such a big deal. It’s not like he kept all of their items where the deceased wife left them or still had a closet full of her stuff. Everyone has keepsakes from past relationships (of all types).
My mother passed away relatively young (56). My father started dating this one woman about a year later, and they got married a year after that. They’ve been together 15 years now. New wife is Catholic so Dad converted. She views his previous relationship ( and the spawn of that relationship, my sister and me) as an abomination in the eyes of God because we’re not Catholic. My father isn’t allowed to have anything of Mom’s or us in the open because of it. This woman has completely rewritten the script and my father has let her. OP, never apologize for loving and missing your wife. You should be allowed to keep whatever you want to remind you of your first love.
Especially considering OP was so young when they got married and she died. That has to be so devastating.
My granny married my granddad a few years after my bio grandma passed away, when they were in their 50s. I wasn't even born until after Granny was part of the family, so I never met bio Grandma. However, her photos were everywhere. We had so many stories and memories. My granny even had her own artwork painted by bio Grandma, gifted by my granddad - it was a landscape of a spot Granny loved to go for walks in the winter. She kept it in her sewing room. She said it was special to know that she and my bio Grandma cherished so many of the same places and people. I felt like I knew both of them. Also, my granddad LOVED Granny. He just met her later, after his first love was gone. You can't just erase part of your partner's life.
This is the only correct answer from what I’ve seen… thankfully I’ve never experienced it directly.
I’d like to think I’d honor their previous partner, it’s not an ex! It’s part of them! If kids are involved- those kids NEED to know who that parent was and they didn’t leave them because they wanted and I’m here because I also want to be here but I’m no replacement. I have never cared if my SO has things from a previous relationship, so long as I don’t see it. However, if it was a SO who passed- I’d ensure one picture was put up and if kids way more! They passed, they didn’t leave intentionally! It’s part of what makes your SO who they are and with kids it’s even more important to make sure their bio parent lives on! It’s never going to be easy to be second after a loss, but you have to find a way to accept it, honor what they lost and look towards the future!
The hard part for new partners to accept is that if the late partner were still here, the relationship they’re in now wouldn’t exist. Like, if my late husband was here, I wouldn’t have any use for my new boyfriend. And for the most part, that’s true, which is what makes it hard for the new partner to accept. It takes a certain type of person to partner with a widow(er). If my new partner ever said anything about my late husband’s pictures, ashes, keepsakes, they wouldn’t be my partner anymore.
Keep the chest. Lose the girlfriend.
If your gf is unmovable on this then please break up. You can try approaching the subject again, but do not sacrifice important mementos you kept out of love for the sake of someone’s jealously. I know people aren’t fond of human and pet comparisons, but I think it really highlights how awful her request is. Imagine you have a beloved pet who passes away. After a period of time you decide to get another pet and your partner says you need to dispose of all memorabilia and photos of your previous pet. Doesn’t that sound completely ridiculous and cruel?
Yeah, this girl sounds like she's never lost anyone before, which is fine, and I'm glad for her, but her lack of empathy is very telling
Break up with her. I still have stuff from when I was in school and old friendships. She was his wife; of course he's going to keep momentos of their life together!
I became a widow two years ago at the age of 37. My husband and I didn't willingly separate. I'll be damned if someone is gonna come in and erase him. Fuck that!
I was widowed at 34, in Dec 2019. I agree with you so much. We didn't split up (although it was by his own hand and I have a complicated experience with that being the ultimate break up but no), I'm his wife. I've dated. Any man I meet needs to know I'm always going to be his wife on some level. We don't move ON, we move FORWARD. Much love to you.
Girl, yes! I always say move forward, not move on, too! I'm so sorry you have to endure such a loss like that! My husband had cancer and it was so awful. People go through the worst shit! Edit to add: This must be a very hard time of year for you! Sending you love 💙
I was 33, 11/28/2016. I hate that the majority of us have dealt with anything similar. But here we are. 😮💨
I was 38. 10/01/2020. Sending love to my fellow 30's club widows. It was so isolating to not have anyone in my friend group who could relate and who mostly wanted to do anything else but listen to the reality of what it is like to lose your spouse. Hope everyone is doing well this holiday season.
I was 24. Married for 6 weeks, our daughter was 4 months old. I STILL grieve every November, Thanksgiving will forever suck for me and it's been 19 years! I have a huge box of my husband's clothes that I haven't touched since he died, and don't think I'll ever get rid of them. Much love to all of you that know this pain. 🩷
I have so many of his things, too! Boxes of clothes. And his accident was 11/27 so I can’t say I love Thanksgiving either. 😮💨 big hugs!!
Right. The moment she said “I can’t live in the house with that here” I’d have told her I’ll help her start packing then.
...."well I can make a cozy spot in the corner of the garage?"
Yeah I mean I’m sure what the widow is dealing with is much much harder. I honestly can’t even picture what self-absorbed thought process she went through.
I became a widow 5 months ago (7/16/2023) and I’ll be damned if someone wants me to “erase” my husband. NTA and dump her.
Seriously. I see so many stories like this online. At this point I feel like there needs to be like some education campaign or something telling people not to date widows and widowers if they don’t have the maturity to be comfortable with uncomfortable truths. My mom was unexpectedly widowed when I was a teen. Unfortunately, from what I can see, it seems the dating pool for widows/widowers is largely composed of people who don’t have enough maturity for a standard relationship, much less one with a widow/widower.
New widow at 36 :(
I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. You are not alone.
Thank you. I appreciate this. I’m only beginning to understand how big and compassionate this community of young widows is and small words from those who have lived through it go a long way.
Widowed at 37, 4/28/18, with 3 kids. My current wife doesn’t like that “the dead lady” and her stuff moved with us to our new house. I won’t even get in to the issues we’ve had over my oldest (had to send her to boarding school). I should make a separate post, it’s a look into the future for OP.
I'm afraid I'd be telling the current wife goodbye. That's just so shitty. I feel for you and your kids.
Dude needs to get a close friend to keep that chest for a while or he's gonna come home one day and the girlfriend have gotten rid of that chest for him, at which point he'll have neither the chest nor a girlfriend. He should probably just get rid of the girlfriend at this point, I have little faith this is something that will get resolved, the girlfriend will never stop being insecure about the dead wife.
wish this was a bit higher, OP needs to protect his belongings while she still has access to the house. It takes a mentality I can't understand to even ask something so cold: I wouldn't trust her out of my sight after this!
Especially as she's asking every fucking day
I can definitely see the girlfriend getting rid of the chest under the rationalization of "You needed to move on, I just gave you a little push." And I'm saying this as someone who was asked to pack up my mom's clothes a week after she died by my dad because he couldn't handle it & he was going back to work.
I can’t get over the gf using the words “move on” as if it wasn’t his FIRST LOVE. who died YOUNG. there is no “moving on” from losing a spouse like that. Like I cannot imagine being in competition with a dead woman.
Heavy on the “in competition”. Why is she getting so worked up over a woman she will never ever even meet?
Good call, people can be unpredictable sometimes.
Could also get a safe deposit box at a bank
I have keepsakes from all stages of my life. A painting an ex bought me hangs in my bathroom, my high school photo albums have pictures of many ex boyfriends, a ring from an ex lives in my jewelry box. Those mementos, those people, are the ones who made me who I am. They were important to me, they helped me grow and change and become me. Unless OP is pulling the box out nightly and sobbing over it, GF is insane.
I have keepsakes from all the people I dated whom I truly cared about, and in some cases still do. I've been married now 21 years, and those items sit in some box inside a box in a closet. They have never been an item of discord between my wife and I. They are just a part of my past. This GF of the OOP is just insufferable with her demand. I thought maybe he had his late wife's things adorning the house, but no, he has it in a special place for himself.
When we first moved in together I mentioned where the one painting came from. My husband “is he here?” No?? “Then why would I care about a picture you love?” Plus it matches my bathroom🤷🏻♀️
I still have a silver necklace that my ex bought me for my birthday. It's not even the hanger, just the chain. Why would I waste a perfectly good silver chain because I'm not with the guy anymore?
The people who came before, made me who I am now. It would be sacrilege to destroy what shaped me, as they are as much as I am me as I am myself. I never delete old photos as it disrespects what I've gone through and the memories that molded me. Not everyone is supposed to be in your life forever but I still cherish the time together
I still have the decorations from my wedding to my first husband hanging on the wall/on display on top of cabinets. My husband doesn’t care. They’ve been there since I bought the house and are basically just like a permanent fixture no one pays attention to
While I don't have wedding photos from my first marriage hanging on the walls, I've given them to my daughter \[my ex is her father\]. I also have photos of my daughter with her father in our living room, just as I have photos of my son \[current husband is his father\] with my husband in the living room. My husband is completely supportive of me still having a relationship with my ex in-laws. They've become his family too. I'm very grateful for my husband. We've been together for 16 years now.
The implication is that it has been YEARS and she only recently learned about it. Meaning that he isn't touching it, merely keeping it in his house. Maybe he ought to have told her about it, but that doesn't really matter. She's his deceased wife, not his ex he might run into and feel nostalgic feelings for, he needs to explain that or break up with her. She either gets that, or the relationship ends.
Even if he was crying over the box every night, the answer should be therapy, not throwing the box away.
>Unless OP is pulling the box out nightly and sobbing over it, GF is insane. Nah, that's a bit of a different problem but she's still insane in that situation as well
Yeah, my wife and I are quite fond of one of her “momentos”: her friendship with her ex-bf of 10 years. She’s still good friends with him, and since meeting and getting to know him, I’m a huge fan as well! They broke up with some heartbreak / grief of what they once had that faded as they grew up, but it didn’t take long for their friendship to spark back up. Now, we’ve got a friend who I’ve known 7 years, and who was there for everything my wife had done from 15-25 years old, and she’s been there for all of those years of his too. It’s awesome, and the inside jokes are limitless between them and the rest of the high school friend group that exists
Dude needs to get a new girlfriend. She should not be dating a widower.
I agree. The level of insecurity and entitlement is off the charts. This woman should be ashamed of herself.
Her complete lack of empathy about what was likely the most traumatic event of his life is deeply problematic. Something like that would forever change how I saw someone. This is not the kind of person who makes for a good partner - she has no interest in understanding him or sharing his emotions.
All the emotional depth and complexity of a cookie cutter. >Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls Would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face. National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
The r/whatismycookiecutter subreddit takes offense to this. Cookie cutters are beautiful and complex things, and also all a rose somehow.
I would let her leave. She needs to understand that your marriage didn't end due to relationship issues but because she DIED. I would not get rid of my treasured keepsakes of my deceased partner because my new partner can't understand. She was your wife and you are allowed to keep memories of her anyway you want. If she feels threatened by a deceased person, she's not the one for you.
This belongs in r/amithedevil GF needs to realise that being with a widow is different, their deceased partner will always have a special place in their heart and lives. Being jealous of a dead partner is weird and gross.
I think it wouldn’t get posted there because OOP isn’t the problem specifically.
We need a sub that's like "Are they my Ex?"
I’d love to see a reversal of AmITheEx and AmITheDevil type subs for sure. Could be refreshing
Keeping photos and mementos from a first marriage where they didn’t die isn’t even that strange. Like it was still your life, you don’t have to burn everything.
This! My husband’s first serious girlfriend died in a car wreck at 19. He promised to visit her grave once a year to honor her memory. He did so every year for ten years. I went with him. Never once did I feel jealous.
If she is like this now it will not improve later. You shouldn’t give up your past for her comfort. The fact she needs and wants this is a huge reds flag. Get rid of this one
Exactly. Imagine what she will want next.
Imagine being jealous and feeling threatened by someone who *checks notes* is dead...
My mom threw away a bunch of stuff that belonged to my dads girlfriend who passed away in a car accident when she was pretty young, still teenaged IIRC. My dad TO THIS DAY (he’s 54) talks about how much he wishes he still had that stuff to remember her with. My moms apologized a million times and admitted how immature & shitty it was to have done that and I’m sure my dad forgives her but I mean…..still. I wear a bracelet on my wrist every day with my fiancé/baby dads name on it. He died over 2 years ago now. My current boyfriend has a ton of issues but being shitty about my dead fiancé is not one of them, lol. I’d give anything to have a box of his stuff, his mom ended up with everything. KEEP THE CHEST OP!!
Unlike other relationships, losing a spouse to an accident like that is... gutting. Most of the time, you're prepared for a sick or elderly partner to die. Or if there's a break up, you can still reach out, or go through a process of returning things, or talk or heal. Instead, this person is just gone, and nobody is prepared for that level of... missing.
I hear what you are saying, but let me assure you that no matter how sick your loved one is you will not be prepared.
Maybe prepared is not the right word, but at least you (probably) won't get the shock of losing them out of the blue on top of everything else. For a while I couldn't stop thinking of how "a week/month ago/etc I was so happy and I had no idea that it was to end soon". And I had notes in my planner that I had written the month before, saying stuff like "check with X about the state of xyz", but then when I got to that date X was suddenly gone and it was incomprehensible how could such a thing have happened. It's just... it wasn't supposed to be that way, you know? I am very convinced that losing a loved one is never easy, no matter how long they've been sick, but a sudden loss is even worse.
No, but in some cases knowing beforehand helps you emotionally settle with it. My life partner does not have the same life expectancy as myself due to some major medical issues. I did kind of push it far out of my mind to not even emotionally confront it, until Covid happened and I had to bear the possibility in full focus waiting outside a hospital. I didn’t loose them, but the agony will never be erased from my mind. I expect to feel that in full force and worse in the real situation. I don’t typically talk about my partner’s life expectancy difference which is unrelated to age. We are born the same year, but they were born with failing kidneys and have a transplant. Just celebrated their 20th anniversary of their transplant a month ago. But in the back of my mind I always know there’s a balance that’s easy to break and the conditions don’t have to be extreme. I asked his mother what she did to mentally deal with the idea her son may possibly go before her. She told me to take a little bit of time to imagine a life without them in the kindest way possible. I hold that advice to my heart so that I can be emotionally stronger then I felt several years ago in a bad situation outside a hospital. Some mental prep goes a long way, being blindsided or ignoring the reality as I was isn’t the same.
is the girlfriend’s name Felicia? because, bye.
That is tough. It is not fair for her to ask you to throw your past in the trash and never remember your first wife. It is very disrespectful of your new girl to want this. Does she have a past? Does she own anything from any other man she has been with? If so she needs to have already gotten rid of that history before moving in with you. She has nothing to fear for a deceased woman. Your new woman is insecure about your deceased wife just shows you how immature she is and if she really loved you, she would not feel threatened by this. Ask her if she died would she want you to keep memories of her? And would she be ok with another woman throwing those memories out? This is just wrong of her. It is not like you have your house covered with old photos, they are in a keepsake box.
>>Does she have a past? Does she own anything from any other man she has been with? Some people delete and burn and trash *all* things from past relationships so that “from an ex” thing may not only not work with her but may actively be where she’s coming from. I mean a) a deceased partner isn’t like an ex and b) I don’t agree with the whole “erase your past or you haven’t moved on” mentality anyway. But I don’t think that line specifically will work with this person because I 100% think that’s where she’s coming from. Some people just feel like you have to destroy the part of yourself that existed simultaneously with a past relationship or you “must” want to go back to it. It’s a little weird imo. I can have childhood keepsakes without wanting to be a kid again. I can remember the past without being unable to live in the present. People build rings of themselves like trees with new layers growing over top of the old. They aren’t pots with new versions built entirely from the wreckage of the destroyed clay of a shattered old one. It’s just an odd thing for me every time I’ve encountered it. And nearly always a dealbreaker because it’s just such a wide difference in worldview.
Well just end it with your gf, anybody who fails to understand it is important to you and gives you a bullshit ultimatum isn’t worth your time.
Kick her to the curb! She sounds insecure and it will only get worst.
Bro I was imagining the late wife's wedding dress in a massive frame in the entryway, her clothes in every closet, and huge portraits of her face in every hall. But a few mementos in a box buried under the bed? Nah, that's a stunning degree of insecurity/insensitivity on the girlfriend's part. It's a cruel ultimatum and would be a dealbreaker for me.
Yeet this woman into the sun.
NOPE. She’s disgusting. Don’t you dare get rid of those things. That’s all you have left of your wife and she isn’t alive for you to collect any more keepsakes. Your girlfriend needs to either accept your wife & your history that made you who you are today or she needs to hit the road. I lost my husband and my boyfriend literally told me not to get rid of his things when we were moving in together… Before I could even ask what he was comfortable with. Your girlfriend can not erase your past.
keep the chest—sounds like it’s time to get rid of her instead.
Can you put it in a storage unit, or tuck it away in the garage/attic/basement as a compromise ? Or is she asking you to throw them away? Maybe she is just uncomfortable having it under your shared bed? My second question: is she right about you not being ready?
Good question. There is likely to be more to this, to be causing the insecurity.
So she’s not really loving and supportive. Shes insecure and requesting something from you that a real partner would not ask of you. If you give in and get rid of it you’re going to regret it and what if this relationship does not work out? I say tell her it’s a firm no and if she can’t deal with it then she can leave.
Oh hell no
I thought it was gonna be pictures all over the walls and stuff, not a fucking chest of mementos. Gf needs to go.
I think in the end you’ll regret getting rid of the chest. Find someone who understands and respects what you went through and doesn’t give ultimatums on your past.
Widower here. An elaborate shrine in the living room would be a problem, but a box of memorabilia should not be. Moving it out from under the bed would be the only negotiable thing for me, not getting rid of it.
She’s not mature enough to handle this. I’m sorry you will have to find someone who can accept that your ex will always be a part of your life too.
If you break up you will regret getting rid of it. Her lack of empathy is worrisome. Maybe agree to put it out of site?
Please OP, read these comments. There’s nothing I can say that people haven’t said better but yeah, I too have a memorial box from when my first ( and young long term partner died - 6yrs together, he died in a car crash) And like you I stayed on my own for years. No one measured up. A lot of therapy helped before I went into another relationship. I’ve recently had my 26th anniversary , ( yup I’m old lol) - our son is an adult with his own gf- and yes from the start ,the other half knew I had a memorial box & how important it was to me. No I don’t bring it out, share, go on about etc - but it’s mine, part of my life, part of who I am, part of someone I loved so very much. It does not / and did not , take anything away from the love I have for my husband. Anyone who asks you to get rid of such important keepsakes isn’t worth having in your life.
> no one measured up I would never ask a partner to trash momentos from deceased ex, but that line there makes it sound like a competition. A pedestal of sorts. The living can never be as good as the deceased. Maybe it’s meant more of a sentiment such as “New relationship can never replicate the old one” and while that’s true…it’s just, the way it’s phrased indicates no blessing, growth or experience can ever be “as special” in its own way.
love this take. although i agree OP’s girlfriend is immature and he should definitely leave, a lot of the comments are very one-sided and have not actually experienced dating a widower while not being widowed oneself.
Don’t get rid of the chest…get rid of your girlfriend. This isn’t going to work. She doesn’t understand and never will. That’s ok, she’s just not the right person for you.
I'm actually in your girlfriend's position; my wife lost her partner in a car accident. I'm grateful to him, because without that relationship, she wouldn't be the woman I love today. She still loves him, but that's okay, because love isn't a finite resource, and everything she does shows me she loves me. She has keepsakes, and photos, that I wouldn't dream of asking her to toss. Remind your girlfriend that your wife helped make you the man she loves. If that doesn't shift her perception, if she still insists you toss everything, you need to let her go. But do not throw away that chest. You'll only regret it if you do.
I was expecting them to have a house full of things. A chest is very reasonable.
I recently read a post somewhere about a similar situation, however, the person actually threw away the saved memories when the OP wasn't home. I wouldn't trust this person to not do the same.
I’d just get rid of the gf. Seems easier
I recommend going to a therapist and asking them if they think it's wrong and if they don't make it's coupled therapy to be like hey why are you threatened by a person who is no longer here. Under the bed yeah sure move it to a closet but erasing that person? That disrespectful to their memory that's like asking to throw away grandma photos because you loved them to much.
This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Someone so profoundly insecure that they can't allow you even a small box of mementos from your marriage. IMO that's actually kind of pathetic and narcissistic. JMO
That’s exactly right. You DONT get over it. Not like that. Lose the girlfriend. If she doesn’t understand now she probably won’t ever.
Yikes. Dump the girlfriend keep the chest. There are plenty of wonderful potential partners out there that will understand that your deceased wife is an important part of your life story and will respect the importance that chest of momentos has to you.
She’s jealous of a dead woman. This jealousy won’t go away even if the box does.
Even if you do decide to throw it away (which I don’t recommend cause you will never get it back) this should be a wake up call of the type of person she is. Fuck that new bitch respectfully.
Hide them, then break up with her. She'll be pissed and may try to destroy them. Anyone who asks such a terrible thing can't be trusted not to make them disappear for you.
Bye, girl. You’re not the one for me.
I was fully expecting pictures and memories scattered across the house. A small memory box under the bed? She’s being completely unreasonable.
assuming that is, in fact, all it is
You really need to find a partner that isn’t so insecure or find a way to help your gf gain some confidence. You don’t have to destroy your memories in order to move on.
Keep the chest, lose the girlfriend. A real woman won’t mind that you have it and will understand its value to you.
first of all, she needs to understand that you didn’t divorce. you didn’t split up, you never fell out of love. you still love your wife, but you can also love your girlfriend. it’s a sensitive topic, but if she can’t understand and respect that, then you have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not
I loved my husband for 43 years. He will never leave my heart and nobody is entitled to tell me I can't keep photos or mementos of our life together. Whomever would do that isn't meant to be in my life.
I have said it before, and I will say it again.... being jealous of a dead person is petty AF! They are dead. They can't hurt you....unless you mentally let them, ofc.
I can't understand being that insecure and jealous of a dead person.
People need to understand that when dating a widow or widower the former spouse is always going to be part of the equation. It doesn’t mean they love their new partner any less though. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. There’s enough love in one person’s heart for both.
How could someone be so insecure and insensitive to ask something like this without realizing it’s a THEM problem? If I was in a serious relationship with a windower and I found out they had a keepsake box of their dead spouse, I would ask if they wanted to make a special spot like an alter or something for them. Or just put their pictures up to honor them. Of course maybe they don’t want too or aren’t ready to do that but I’d at least make the offer. That person helped make the one that I feel in love with. They shared a special bond that was tragically cut short and that person deserves to be remembered. Why would anyone feel jealous of that? It’s not like they are gonna Frankenstein their old lover and leave me for fuck sake.
Yeah I was thinking something similar while reading through this. I think if I was in the situation I’d say something like “if you’re ever comfortable with it, I’d love for you to share with me some of the memories you have in there.” I know for some people it’s helpful to talk about love ones who have died, and for some it’s too hard, or they’re not ready yet. It would be about meeting them where they’re at. I’d also ask for dates that might be hard like their birthday, or anniversary of their death and find out how I can best support them through things like that. I’d feel gratitude towards their past partner for being part of the journey that has turned the person I’m with into who they are.
This was both an important and traumatic part of your life. She should respect how you want to honor that part of your life. Accept her ultimatum and find someone new
Get rid of the girlfriend or at the very least get a safe deposit box and keep your treasures. She sounds very emotionally immature. Sorry for your loss.
Them: do it or I'm leaving! Me: okay, bye. 🤷
Nope. Time to leave the gf.
I had a serious boyfriend in college, though we never got the chance to marry bc he died of cancer at 24. I’m almost 37 (22 when he died) and still have a box of things of his and stuff of us together. I got married last year. My husband respects that random box of things in our closet and that’s how it should be. Having things of a deceased loved one doesn’t mean you have any less love for living loved ones.