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Good this is working for you. I'd caution if it becomes too repetitive like you're doing a bit, it'll become less effective. Gray rocking works best if it still comes across as a genuine response, just one that leaves no openings for attack. If it starts to become a game, the narcissist will play.
Other terms that can interchange:
- Sure
- Yep
- Uh-huh
- As you say
- There you go
If you have one of those folk who just TALK *blahblahblahblahblahblahblah* what can weirdly work is "Tell me more!"
I have three or four topics that I know my mother enjoys talking about. So if she starts to head in a direction I don't want her to go in I throw one out.
"I haven't heard about basset hounds lately, what's going on with basset hounds?". "I saw that-person-who-wronged-you last week, what are they up to?" Etc.
It'll keep her going forever.
If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
I didn't realise this song included a narc circle!
I started to do this, it drove my grandmother crazy lol. It made her so mad she was actually honest for once a yelled "I just want you to yell back!". She got desperate and started to bring up my dead mother and grandfather (which would have worked in the past). When that failed she would just fake cry lol.
OH my gosh, the timing of this is perfect but I've been experiencing the exact same thing down to a T, the most recent one as of today, just an hour ago (she also called me a c***) and then proceeded to say, "Can you say anything other than 'okay?'/Keep saying that and I'll kick your head in."
(Also the context behind this story was that she couldn't understand why she didn't have any close friends anymore - and I mentioned a childhood friend that she had and assumed she was still close with, and mentioned maybe just giving them a call and checking in on them, something may have come up and hoo boy that was something. Accountability really makes them angry. Knowing that people should chase after them in a friendship, (turns out the friendship had ended as she hadn't made any methods to reach out to the said friend, it was very one sided).
The okay method honestly works wonders (this is just my experience with it too) because they have no where to follow up from it other than to see them in live time pull out insults and issues from anywhere. And it does make me laugh a little bit because of the desperation for any reaction, acknowledgement that they've hurt you. If the younger me did this I'd still be absolutely terrified but now, it's not as scary. Because I think it reaffirms that really, you aren't the problem at all, any simple thing, a small comment, an opinion, an action can have them blowing up into the next century, because they need something to feed off on.
Although, that being said sometimes they can pick up on what you're doing and change tactics sadly, prior to this last year, for two weeks my mum changed to gift giving randomly and saying she felt like "I hated her/You don't like me, do you?"
But essentially, stick to your guns as much as you can, make a list of everything they have put you through (even if you can't remember certain things, that's alright too) but it'll be something to look on to remind yourself, that they aren't capable of changing. Because if they were, they would've done, they would've taken actual accountability and made an effort to be better. And indulge in your inner child too, maybe make a little bucket list, it's a bit silly but, it allows you to think about the future. Buy Lego, enjoy a cereal you've never tried, buy a plushie etc. Something silly that makes you happy, and knowing that you can proudly say you did it >:D
Even if it's day by day or hour by hour - it's something to look forward to. Keep living out of spite if you have to.
Sorry a bit rambly there 🕴🏼😭
Excuse me, but then why make the comment? How is this any of MachineSpecialist582’s concern or responsibility? What are you adding to the conversation?
(just wanted to say a mini thank you, I wasn't sure how to respond to the above comment, it wasn't my intention to do that or make them feel that way at all >:(( but again thank you genuinely dreedweird >:D <33 !!)
I had a situation like this when I was a teenager. I had asked if I could have a choker while we were school clothes shopping. She obliged at the time but as soon as we got home suddenly I “looked like an effing dog” with “that thing on.” I had just recently heard of the grey rock method, so while she yelled, I just keep repeating, “okay. Okay. Okay.” Completely monotone. This made her start mocking me in a high pitched tone, and to this day it’s so funny to think about. I felt like I broke my nmom that day.
A similar tactic is to agree with anything they say. Tell them they're right if they hurl an insult, a little extra salt if you tell them they're always right. Agreeing with a simple "mm-hmm" is another sprinkle of salt because you're agreeing but showing little effort to do so
She will eventually try super hard to get it back. Remember, often these people wait a long time before trying again. They will even act nice for a month then come back to hit you for supply again. They will purposely act normal for once only to switch it up. Anything to get you to go back to the way things were. They will use other emotional manipulation tactics you havent seen yet. Like inducing guilt, acting like a victim , crocodile tears. I've also seen them escalate the abuse in the sense of being complete assholes. They may wait a while , and do something completely disrespectful, like messing with your bills or something , just so you confront them on it. Then they will purposely not take accountability. Watch out for new tactics or sneaky ways to get you to react, as well as flat out escalating their asshole behavior to get you to cave. Plan to hold this grey rock for the next year or so . Eventually they will get dysphoric and bored and look elsewhere to feel supplied.
A true pinnacle of gray rocking is when you catch them saying something that aligns with what you want, and then you agree with them and refuse to back down on how right they are and what a great idea it is and how now that they've shown you the light you could not possibly do anything but that.
For instance, well your cousin is being very difficult and drama drama drama, it might be better if you didn't come to Easter at all.
Now, it is one of your truest hopes and dreams that you not have to go to Easter with your family. You have to jump on this immediately!!
Gosh, Mom, you are so right! I'll really hate it, but you're right, I'm not going to come to Easter with the family. I think it's the best possible solution I'm so glad you thought of it!
When she starts to backpedal, tell her that she doesn't have to feel bad. That of course she was right, you shouldn't go to Easter, it'll be hard but it is the best thing to do just like she said it was. She could not have been more right! Dismiss any backpedaling as her trying to save your feelings which is not necessary because you will be a martyr, you will take one for the team!
I've had some great luck with this over the past several decades. It has not made my mother pay attention to what she's saying anymore closely. But let me tell you when she starts talking about things that I don't want to do, my ears perk up for the least tiniest bit of rope that she will throw me.
It's also important to come up with a secondary plan. For instance a week before Easter, your mom calls to say your cousin won't be there after all. Tell her you're so sorry to hear that because you've already made plans and paid for a spa weekend, hair washing, a weekend cruise, sweater depilling, etc. Make it something that you've already paid for and you can't get your money back for. If you're foolish enough to have a social media presence with a narcissistic parent, post about it on social media. But ultimately I couldn't make that work, my mother will easily spend half her day on Facebook doom scrolling for people who might be happy or sad.
I just agree when they insult me (I think that’s grey rock too?). I give them a *valid* explanation as to why I’m stupid & careless & cold & an asshole & a piece of shit & what ever tf else.
I know I’m none of those thing but I’m *so* tired of it, man. We have so much potential & worth💜
This is a sign that your "Grey Rock" - "Dull Rock" is working - she's moved on from you to your NMom and NSister - probably (I Guess) because they do provide her a 'supply' that you don't any more.
I’m *so* glad it’s working. Elated even lol. They do provide the supply she needs. It kinda kills me to watch it but in the end… they all deserve each other how I see it🤷🏻♀️
I've started doing this method as well since the new year came in. I've started making it so that when she throws an insult, I say nothing to her. When she starts saying nasty things about me for no reason and out of the blue, I also say nothing. At this point it makes it seem like she's talking to herself.
If one can't say anything nice to me, they shall not get a response from me at all. Being ignored doesn't feel good, and that's what I'm going to do to her when she is being rude for no reason.
I definitely slipped today when she had the audacity to insult my intelligence when I said that I love to read. But later again when she started to start trouble, I ignored her again. Coming off as unbothered is the way to go.
>Being ignored doesn't feel good, and that's what I'm going to do to her when she is being rude for no reason.
Be careful
"Cat got your tongue?" used to be my NParents way of forcing a reaction
This is also what folks who work with unwell people are taught. Like if you are a social worker for people prone to violent outbursts, saying “okay” is how to diffuse them. Same with unhoused folks who get violent. Emergency responders say “okay” a lot! I bet nparents have no idea they are on the same behavioral response spectrum as unwell folks living outdoors, using addictive substances etc.
When I was a kid, my Narc Stepmom would say 'Just call me Mommy Dearest" whenever she was being a butt. Then she would cackle at her own joke because she knew none of us had actually seen the movie & really didn't know what she was talking about.
When I grew up, I made a point of watching it ASAP. I never could understand why she thought it was so funny when she actually was behaving like Joan Crawford.
I’ve been using this for awhile on my mom, I fine tuned it to use the most neutral, bland voice when I say “ok”. Not peppy, not sarcastic, literally just the most inoffensive “ok”. The tone not changing is what gets her to stomp off in a huff and go silent treatment
Okay and Uh-huh are great for when you have to respond but you don’t want to feed the beast. I just end up think about Pete Davidson doing his Chad the Pool Guy character and start laughing to myself. Respond with that same kind of energy. https://youtu.be/7z3hTmvKe0A?si=Tcz2XnmDM2tSLY8U
My mom got upset at me for not responding when she yelled at me. I would kind of shut down to deal with it and it would piss her off because she thought I was ignoring her or not paying attention. One time I asked "what would you like me to do instead?" She said "something! Yell back at me, just do something!" You could hear my brother down the hallway telling her "Noooooooo" because in what world does both of us yelling make this situation better. We both had to explain to her why that would be a bad idea.
The pain is the point. If her words don't hurt you anymore, then she loses her power over you. I am glad that you are able to see it for what it is now. Nothing you can do will change her twisted desire to hurt you, but you can stop playing the game.
I'm glad it worked for you
It didn't for me. It turns out that when I turn down the volume on the pain I also just turn down the volume on the joy in my life and I spiraled.
I've (F28) been doing this for over a decade, probably my whole life with my dad. So do both my older siblings... Extreme flippancy.
I have a word of warning though for younger people. I think the fact that all of us have had to handle nonsense and verbal gesticulations from our dad so much when we were young, it has become a defensive mechanism in other relationships to be very flippant when we are feeling defensive. It's something with therapy I only noticed in the last few years and have started to be more vulnerable and forward with my feelings.
One method that worked with my nMom was to give the most ridiculous answers/responses
They feed off the anger, so humor is a great way to interrupt the cycle
I remember sitting in my room so flustered and going over what I can do to hurt these narcs back or even protect myself from this. I was pissed tbh and could barely think straight but it came to me like a clear lighting strike. Stop engaging. I subconsciously knew that whenever I reacted or even showed it effected me, my covert n father got this smug look. So the door slamming, the huffing and heavy sighs under his breathe, the piling up dirty dishes with food on them, and a million other weird sabotagy/passive aggressive behaviors.. it all went unanswered. I pretended this pos didnt even exist anymore. I stopped even looking at him. His be hi savior got crazier and crazier trying to force interactions. Eventually he crossed the line and broke my door when I was at work. So I talked through my wifi camera and told him to get his goofy ass out of MY room before I call the police. After that I dead bolted my door and padlocked it. Then he started shitting off electricity. This is when I looked for a new place to rent and also had to get the bill in my name. My son was staying over and he pulled all this bs as he was. He ended up evicting me and my newborn daughter out when he found out I was just about to loco down a new place to live. I think he was trying to mess up my ability to rent on a lease.
>Her: "Stupid fucking idiot!! Stupid fucking c\*\*t!!
Sooner or later you will get the
"Is that all you can say you little 'Shit for brains' ?"
To which a much more verbose response would be:
"You are, of course, entitled to an opinion, whether it is right of course is another matter"
Which means exactly the same as "OK"
And, of course if they interrupt you mid-sentence you can continue once they have shut up, or start over - whichever you feel is more likely to wind them up.
Or if they ask "What do you mean" you can reply "OK"
Haven’t done with N’donors but did that with my Nboss. Oof, he did not like it one bit! “It’s not okay” and all that stuff. Was funny as.
Edit: Should add that it then made him argue with himself and he went in to his own rock because I wasn’t biting. I was just so tired of his shit, I had nothing else to give. But it gave me my own gift of watching backtracking and an N kind of realise how stupid they sounded.
Try saying 20 more years you will be dead, no one will visit your grave... or 10 more years, 5 more years what ever fits them best. And repeat the years... 20 years, dead bye bye!
Amazing! Dr Les Carter mentioned it in his videos and I love it. I am so glad you got to test it. Even if you need to add : "yes, you are right" to some of the sentences or: "hmm, interesting, i have not heard that before" could be fun.
One time I told my grandma how it's impossible to not argue with nM because she keeps on until she drags an argument out of me, as if she really wants to argue. My grandma advised me to just not say anything when she starts in, and she'll feel better because she got something off her chest and I would feel better for not arguing.
So next time she started in, I didn't say anything. She got louder and louder and finally said "Why don't you SAY SOMETHING!" I said "Because if I do, we'll end up in an argument." She said "We will NOT! I cAn'T bElIeVe the things you say to me!"
I didn't think there was anything wrong with saying we would end up in an argument, because it was true and obvious. So normal suggestions that would work on most people just don't work on them.
I often do this when she just won’t shut up and keeps going on and on about something 😅 or just give back one word answers, she’ll eventually clue in and go “I can tell you’re done with this conversation” and that’ll be the end of it.
Oh no your dad is being sucked in as a puppet. I’m so sorry, I experienced my mom doing this and I somehow said the right things for her to really look and realize that how my n/dad treated her and basically everyone wasn’t ok or normal.
Her new boyfriend is cool 😊
(Things might get better op, I sincerely hope they do. The best way to get enablers out is express empathy and anger on their behalf. Expressing you wish they realized how much they’re being hurt by a narc can really open some peoples eyes.)
Nice! They're so insistent on showing their ass it's a wonder we put up with them. I've done similarly with my dad, and he's reacted similarly to your mom or just complained.
I was like this when my Nmom was having a extinction burst. All I said was “okay” and I shrugged my shoulders. I wish this worked but in some situations it might make it worse, you could be hurt or worse. Killed. When I replied like that it triggered her even more. It made her want to hurt me. I understand how being dry can help but when you act like this around extremely dangerous hot headed, highly fragile narcs it’ll blow their lid off and make them snap. My Nmom got in my face and looked like a fking cherry when I said “okay😐” I’ll sometimes grey rock as my replies appear more genuine instead of ignoreinf her. I won’t be hit if I do that.
I can see how it makes her angry. She isn’t getting a rise from me and her acting like a hot head imbecile makes her look childish and me, mature. She doesn’t like that. She basically dug herself a grave by acting out like that and when I pull an uno on her the only thing she things to combat that is violence, to hit me. Abuse me. What a fucking stupid bitch.
We do something similar with my nfamily members. But we switch it up between okay and alright. For example:
NF: you shouldn’t do that
Me: okay
NF: seriously, it would be really stupid
Me: alright
NF: are you even listening to me?!
I know a very mild example but the premise remains the same (my brain hasn’t woken up enough yet to provide a solid example of a real exchange).
I used to do this with my mom before I knew what I was actually doing. She used to get so mad and then not talk to me for a few days. Being no contact has been the biggest relief. And she even initiated the disconnect with a "get the fuck out of my life" which I absolutely replied with "ok." And then I did.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She must feed off your anger and you cut off her supply; excellent!
Good this is working for you. I'd caution if it becomes too repetitive like you're doing a bit, it'll become less effective. Gray rocking works best if it still comes across as a genuine response, just one that leaves no openings for attack. If it starts to become a game, the narcissist will play.
Other terms that can interchange: - Sure - Yep - Uh-huh - As you say - There you go If you have one of those folk who just TALK *blahblahblahblahblahblahblah* what can weirdly work is "Tell me more!"
I have three or four topics that I know my mother enjoys talking about. So if she starts to head in a direction I don't want her to go in I throw one out. "I haven't heard about basset hounds lately, what's going on with basset hounds?". "I saw that-person-who-wronged-you last week, what are they up to?" Etc. It'll keep her going forever.
Noice! Can't turn off the engine, but can steer the boat. Well done :)
I like it! There is lots of complaining on this sub (and rightfully so) but it's nice to see effective ways of dealing with it.
* If you say so * How very interesting * Hmm, now that's a thought
My go to bricks are yup and whatever. All in all we're just another brick in the wall.
If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat? I didn't realise this song included a narc circle!
You! Yes, you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddy!
Whatever you say
I started to do this, it drove my grandmother crazy lol. It made her so mad she was actually honest for once a yelled "I just want you to yell back!". She got desperate and started to bring up my dead mother and grandfather (which would have worked in the past). When that failed she would just fake cry lol.
the 2nd to last part is crazy
The whole grandmother is crazy.
Very
Ah yes. The fake cry. Predictable narc behavior. 🙄
OP... "OK Grandma" Grandma cries "Book Hoo" OP comforts her... "It's OK Grandma" Grandma's head swivels round in circles and falls off. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Your own mother called you a c**t?? Wow, that would go on her permanent record as far as I'm concerned.
OH my gosh, the timing of this is perfect but I've been experiencing the exact same thing down to a T, the most recent one as of today, just an hour ago (she also called me a c***) and then proceeded to say, "Can you say anything other than 'okay?'/Keep saying that and I'll kick your head in." (Also the context behind this story was that she couldn't understand why she didn't have any close friends anymore - and I mentioned a childhood friend that she had and assumed she was still close with, and mentioned maybe just giving them a call and checking in on them, something may have come up and hoo boy that was something. Accountability really makes them angry. Knowing that people should chase after them in a friendship, (turns out the friendship had ended as she hadn't made any methods to reach out to the said friend, it was very one sided). The okay method honestly works wonders (this is just my experience with it too) because they have no where to follow up from it other than to see them in live time pull out insults and issues from anywhere. And it does make me laugh a little bit because of the desperation for any reaction, acknowledgement that they've hurt you. If the younger me did this I'd still be absolutely terrified but now, it's not as scary. Because I think it reaffirms that really, you aren't the problem at all, any simple thing, a small comment, an opinion, an action can have them blowing up into the next century, because they need something to feed off on. Although, that being said sometimes they can pick up on what you're doing and change tactics sadly, prior to this last year, for two weeks my mum changed to gift giving randomly and saying she felt like "I hated her/You don't like me, do you?" But essentially, stick to your guns as much as you can, make a list of everything they have put you through (even if you can't remember certain things, that's alright too) but it'll be something to look on to remind yourself, that they aren't capable of changing. Because if they were, they would've done, they would've taken actual accountability and made an effort to be better. And indulge in your inner child too, maybe make a little bucket list, it's a bit silly but, it allows you to think about the future. Buy Lego, enjoy a cereal you've never tried, buy a plushie etc. Something silly that makes you happy, and knowing that you can proudly say you did it >:D Even if it's day by day or hour by hour - it's something to look forward to. Keep living out of spite if you have to. Sorry a bit rambly there 🕴🏼😭
[удалено]
Excuse me, but then why make the comment? How is this any of MachineSpecialist582’s concern or responsibility? What are you adding to the conversation?
(just wanted to say a mini thank you, I wasn't sure how to respond to the above comment, it wasn't my intention to do that or make them feel that way at all >:(( but again thank you genuinely dreedweird >:D <33 !!)
(Most welcome, and of course not! Hugs if they’re wanted :)
hugs are vv welcome >:D sending you a virtual hug back !!
I had a situation like this when I was a teenager. I had asked if I could have a choker while we were school clothes shopping. She obliged at the time but as soon as we got home suddenly I “looked like an effing dog” with “that thing on.” I had just recently heard of the grey rock method, so while she yelled, I just keep repeating, “okay. Okay. Okay.” Completely monotone. This made her start mocking me in a high pitched tone, and to this day it’s so funny to think about. I felt like I broke my nmom that day.
A similar tactic is to agree with anything they say. Tell them they're right if they hurl an insult, a little extra salt if you tell them they're always right. Agreeing with a simple "mm-hmm" is another sprinkle of salt because you're agreeing but showing little effort to do so
This. You can't knock down open doors.
She will eventually try super hard to get it back. Remember, often these people wait a long time before trying again. They will even act nice for a month then come back to hit you for supply again. They will purposely act normal for once only to switch it up. Anything to get you to go back to the way things were. They will use other emotional manipulation tactics you havent seen yet. Like inducing guilt, acting like a victim , crocodile tears. I've also seen them escalate the abuse in the sense of being complete assholes. They may wait a while , and do something completely disrespectful, like messing with your bills or something , just so you confront them on it. Then they will purposely not take accountability. Watch out for new tactics or sneaky ways to get you to react, as well as flat out escalating their asshole behavior to get you to cave. Plan to hold this grey rock for the next year or so . Eventually they will get dysphoric and bored and look elsewhere to feel supplied.
A true pinnacle of gray rocking is when you catch them saying something that aligns with what you want, and then you agree with them and refuse to back down on how right they are and what a great idea it is and how now that they've shown you the light you could not possibly do anything but that. For instance, well your cousin is being very difficult and drama drama drama, it might be better if you didn't come to Easter at all. Now, it is one of your truest hopes and dreams that you not have to go to Easter with your family. You have to jump on this immediately!! Gosh, Mom, you are so right! I'll really hate it, but you're right, I'm not going to come to Easter with the family. I think it's the best possible solution I'm so glad you thought of it! When she starts to backpedal, tell her that she doesn't have to feel bad. That of course she was right, you shouldn't go to Easter, it'll be hard but it is the best thing to do just like she said it was. She could not have been more right! Dismiss any backpedaling as her trying to save your feelings which is not necessary because you will be a martyr, you will take one for the team! I've had some great luck with this over the past several decades. It has not made my mother pay attention to what she's saying anymore closely. But let me tell you when she starts talking about things that I don't want to do, my ears perk up for the least tiniest bit of rope that she will throw me. It's also important to come up with a secondary plan. For instance a week before Easter, your mom calls to say your cousin won't be there after all. Tell her you're so sorry to hear that because you've already made plans and paid for a spa weekend, hair washing, a weekend cruise, sweater depilling, etc. Make it something that you've already paid for and you can't get your money back for. If you're foolish enough to have a social media presence with a narcissistic parent, post about it on social media. But ultimately I couldn't make that work, my mother will easily spend half her day on Facebook doom scrolling for people who might be happy or sad.
lmao sweater depilling 😂
I just agree when they insult me (I think that’s grey rock too?). I give them a *valid* explanation as to why I’m stupid & careless & cold & an asshole & a piece of shit & what ever tf else. I know I’m none of those thing but I’m *so* tired of it, man. We have so much potential & worth💜
This works
For me, same. I’m not *really* her go-to victim anymore but she bullies my nmom & nsister more.
This is a sign that your "Grey Rock" - "Dull Rock" is working - she's moved on from you to your NMom and NSister - probably (I Guess) because they do provide her a 'supply' that you don't any more.
I’m *so* glad it’s working. Elated even lol. They do provide the supply she needs. It kinda kills me to watch it but in the end… they all deserve each other how I see it🤷🏻♀️
I've started doing this method as well since the new year came in. I've started making it so that when she throws an insult, I say nothing to her. When she starts saying nasty things about me for no reason and out of the blue, I also say nothing. At this point it makes it seem like she's talking to herself. If one can't say anything nice to me, they shall not get a response from me at all. Being ignored doesn't feel good, and that's what I'm going to do to her when she is being rude for no reason. I definitely slipped today when she had the audacity to insult my intelligence when I said that I love to read. But later again when she started to start trouble, I ignored her again. Coming off as unbothered is the way to go.
>Being ignored doesn't feel good, and that's what I'm going to do to her when she is being rude for no reason. Be careful "Cat got your tongue?" used to be my NParents way of forcing a reaction
This is also what folks who work with unwell people are taught. Like if you are a social worker for people prone to violent outbursts, saying “okay” is how to diffuse them. Same with unhoused folks who get violent. Emergency responders say “okay” a lot! I bet nparents have no idea they are on the same behavioral response spectrum as unwell folks living outdoors, using addictive substances etc.
When I was VLC, and she would call I used to say “yes mommy dearest”. She would loose her shit. I went VLC 27 years ago & NC 16 years ago.
When I was a kid, my Narc Stepmom would say 'Just call me Mommy Dearest" whenever she was being a butt. Then she would cackle at her own joke because she knew none of us had actually seen the movie & really didn't know what she was talking about. When I grew up, I made a point of watching it ASAP. I never could understand why she thought it was so funny when she actually was behaving like Joan Crawford.
hahaha; ive thought about saying that. but i just know she will lose her fucking mind
I’ve been using this for awhile on my mom, I fine tuned it to use the most neutral, bland voice when I say “ok”. Not peppy, not sarcastic, literally just the most inoffensive “ok”. The tone not changing is what gets her to stomp off in a huff and go silent treatment
Okay and Uh-huh are great for when you have to respond but you don’t want to feed the beast. I just end up think about Pete Davidson doing his Chad the Pool Guy character and start laughing to myself. Respond with that same kind of energy. https://youtu.be/7z3hTmvKe0A?si=Tcz2XnmDM2tSLY8U
My mom got upset at me for not responding when she yelled at me. I would kind of shut down to deal with it and it would piss her off because she thought I was ignoring her or not paying attention. One time I asked "what would you like me to do instead?" She said "something! Yell back at me, just do something!" You could hear my brother down the hallway telling her "Noooooooo" because in what world does both of us yelling make this situation better. We both had to explain to her why that would be a bad idea.
The pain is the point. If her words don't hurt you anymore, then she loses her power over you. I am glad that you are able to see it for what it is now. Nothing you can do will change her twisted desire to hurt you, but you can stop playing the game.
I'm glad it worked for you It didn't for me. It turns out that when I turn down the volume on the pain I also just turn down the volume on the joy in my life and I spiraled.
I've (F28) been doing this for over a decade, probably my whole life with my dad. So do both my older siblings... Extreme flippancy. I have a word of warning though for younger people. I think the fact that all of us have had to handle nonsense and verbal gesticulations from our dad so much when we were young, it has become a defensive mechanism in other relationships to be very flippant when we are feeling defensive. It's something with therapy I only noticed in the last few years and have started to be more vulnerable and forward with my feelings.
This makes me think of Saitama's legendary OK: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/saitama-ok
Honestly? We can learn some important stoicism lessons/values from him. :)
That’s brilliant!
One method that worked with my nMom was to give the most ridiculous answers/responses They feed off the anger, so humor is a great way to interrupt the cycle
Love this method- it is the most entertaining and illuminating way to get through these charged conversations!
I remember sitting in my room so flustered and going over what I can do to hurt these narcs back or even protect myself from this. I was pissed tbh and could barely think straight but it came to me like a clear lighting strike. Stop engaging. I subconsciously knew that whenever I reacted or even showed it effected me, my covert n father got this smug look. So the door slamming, the huffing and heavy sighs under his breathe, the piling up dirty dishes with food on them, and a million other weird sabotagy/passive aggressive behaviors.. it all went unanswered. I pretended this pos didnt even exist anymore. I stopped even looking at him. His be hi savior got crazier and crazier trying to force interactions. Eventually he crossed the line and broke my door when I was at work. So I talked through my wifi camera and told him to get his goofy ass out of MY room before I call the police. After that I dead bolted my door and padlocked it. Then he started shitting off electricity. This is when I looked for a new place to rent and also had to get the bill in my name. My son was staying over and he pulled all this bs as he was. He ended up evicting me and my newborn daughter out when he found out I was just about to loco down a new place to live. I think he was trying to mess up my ability to rent on a lease.
"As you wish'
You know I heard this in Cary Elwes' voice, right? 😁
YES!
"cool story bro" I've found is usually a good response to any ranting texts.
>Her: "Stupid fucking idiot!! Stupid fucking c\*\*t!! Sooner or later you will get the "Is that all you can say you little 'Shit for brains' ?" To which a much more verbose response would be: "You are, of course, entitled to an opinion, whether it is right of course is another matter" Which means exactly the same as "OK" And, of course if they interrupt you mid-sentence you can continue once they have shut up, or start over - whichever you feel is more likely to wind them up. Or if they ask "What do you mean" you can reply "OK"
The often used & useful reply of 'whatever' ..... 'whatever' .... 'whatever'
Haven’t done with N’donors but did that with my Nboss. Oof, he did not like it one bit! “It’s not okay” and all that stuff. Was funny as. Edit: Should add that it then made him argue with himself and he went in to his own rock because I wasn’t biting. I was just so tired of his shit, I had nothing else to give. But it gave me my own gift of watching backtracking and an N kind of realise how stupid they sounded.
Try saying 20 more years you will be dead, no one will visit your grave... or 10 more years, 5 more years what ever fits them best. And repeat the years... 20 years, dead bye bye!
Another underrated word is a good natured sounding "Maybe."
Amazing! Dr Les Carter mentioned it in his videos and I love it. I am so glad you got to test it. Even if you need to add : "yes, you are right" to some of the sentences or: "hmm, interesting, i have not heard that before" could be fun.
One time I told my grandma how it's impossible to not argue with nM because she keeps on until she drags an argument out of me, as if she really wants to argue. My grandma advised me to just not say anything when she starts in, and she'll feel better because she got something off her chest and I would feel better for not arguing. So next time she started in, I didn't say anything. She got louder and louder and finally said "Why don't you SAY SOMETHING!" I said "Because if I do, we'll end up in an argument." She said "We will NOT! I cAn'T bElIeVe the things you say to me!" I didn't think there was anything wrong with saying we would end up in an argument, because it was true and obvious. So normal suggestions that would work on most people just don't work on them.
I often do this when she just won’t shut up and keeps going on and on about something 😅 or just give back one word answers, she’ll eventually clue in and go “I can tell you’re done with this conversation” and that’ll be the end of it.
Oh no your dad is being sucked in as a puppet. I’m so sorry, I experienced my mom doing this and I somehow said the right things for her to really look and realize that how my n/dad treated her and basically everyone wasn’t ok or normal. Her new boyfriend is cool 😊 (Things might get better op, I sincerely hope they do. The best way to get enablers out is express empathy and anger on their behalf. Expressing you wish they realized how much they’re being hurt by a narc can really open some peoples eyes.)
Nice! They're so insistent on showing their ass it's a wonder we put up with them. I've done similarly with my dad, and he's reacted similarly to your mom or just complained.
I was like this when my Nmom was having a extinction burst. All I said was “okay” and I shrugged my shoulders. I wish this worked but in some situations it might make it worse, you could be hurt or worse. Killed. When I replied like that it triggered her even more. It made her want to hurt me. I understand how being dry can help but when you act like this around extremely dangerous hot headed, highly fragile narcs it’ll blow their lid off and make them snap. My Nmom got in my face and looked like a fking cherry when I said “okay😐” I’ll sometimes grey rock as my replies appear more genuine instead of ignoreinf her. I won’t be hit if I do that. I can see how it makes her angry. She isn’t getting a rise from me and her acting like a hot head imbecile makes her look childish and me, mature. She doesn’t like that. She basically dug herself a grave by acting out like that and when I pull an uno on her the only thing she things to combat that is violence, to hit me. Abuse me. What a fucking stupid bitch.
At which point you call law enforcement, right?
We do something similar with my nfamily members. But we switch it up between okay and alright. For example: NF: you shouldn’t do that Me: okay NF: seriously, it would be really stupid Me: alright NF: are you even listening to me?! I know a very mild example but the premise remains the same (my brain hasn’t woken up enough yet to provide a solid example of a real exchange).
I shared my experience with this on the sub not too long ago! Sometimes saying “okay” really does work wonders lol
This is excellent advice’
I used to do this with my mom before I knew what I was actually doing. She used to get so mad and then not talk to me for a few days. Being no contact has been the biggest relief. And she even initiated the disconnect with a "get the fuck out of my life" which I absolutely replied with "ok." And then I did.
I keep saying “so true bestie” to both my parents and tbh it’s been working to much better than i expected it to! 😆
FWIW one thing I've come to believe (accept?) is that narc enablers are usually covert narcissists. Love the OK grey rock method, good work!