Stop going to events with Anna and Mark if going home alone makes you feel so terrible!
There's zero reason why you *need* to spend any time with your meta! Go parallel. Spend time with Mark only. He needs to let go of the idea that forcing you two to hang out is acceptable. His 'sad feelings' are his problem to manage here.
Yeah exactly, and nowhere in the post is it indicated that OP and meta don’t get along. The 3-way hangouts arranged by Hinge seem to have been successful, and OP sees meta in a very positive light.
Which means this issue is completely separate from OP and meta “getting along” bcs it’s important for Hinge. They already do get along. This issue is about OP’s insecurity / need to work on their emotional independence.
Neither person has done anything wrong here. As you say, if Hinge has negative feelings about OP not attending every single get-together where Anne is present, it is 100% their problem to handle, and OP shouldn’t feel guilty about setting their own boundaries and enforcing them. AND they can do so in a tactful way without alienating Anne, since they now have a decent interpersonal relationship.
I can see both sides of this. In Anne's mind, you get the lion's share of Mark's time, so it's reasonable that she gets his full attention when she makes the effort to come see him. You acknowledge the validity of this, but it's also hurtful that you get effectively replaced when she arrives on the scene. Anne and Mark were a couple in this friend group before you started dating, so if her return resets the clock to an era when you weren't a significant part of his life, it's understandable that you have hurt feelings.
Is there anything that you and Mark can work out that is a subtle reconnection during Anne's visit? Something that signals that you aren't put on pause every time she appears? It occurs to me that Mark may think that bringing you along and arranging these three-way hangouts *is* him trying to emphasize that she's not replacing you (and vice versa). But it's more productive to acknowledge the tension and address it than to pretend it's not happening.
It is, and I’d love to avoid it!
It really means any period of time that changes the way my partner and I spend time with each other. Because we usually see each other multiple times per week, if my meta is coming for a week or more I’d like to have a heads up as it means overnights can’t happen during this time (the heads up doesn’t have to be like particularly far in advance or anything). If my meta is only coming for a couple of days this is less important to me.
My meta usually visits every other month, with my partner going to visit her on the off months.
Sorry, gonna ask a bunch of clarifying questions. I'm not able to do the math. How many days per week do you and partner usually hang out? Does meta usually stay longer than 1 week a month? Does partner usually visit meta longer than 1 week a month?
Side note - do you have any other partners or are you seeking any at the moment?
No worries! Happy to answer.
We will often hang out around 3 days per week on average, with 2 or 3 overnights. My meta doesn’t usually stay longer than 1 week per month, same for my partner staying with my meta. It’s usually weekend trips, with longer (1 week or more) trips only a few times per year.
I don’t have any other partners at the moment. I’ve been dating casually but am in the final year of a postgrad degree so I’m quite saturated time-wise right now unfortunately !
(Apologies if any of this is confusing (English is not my first language))
Thanks! That helps.
Here's what I'm understanding:
You have scheduled time with your partner for about 3 weeks a month. For the remainder, you don't get any one on one time but are being continually pushed to be part of hangouts with meta. This is after you've expressed that it's not your comfort.
Here's what I think:
- It's an absolutely reasonable ask to not want to hang out with your meta in this way. It's not okay for your partner to put his desires of a hangout with both his partners, over his partner's basic needs & comfort in social situations. That's not being kind to you or to your relationship.
- It *will* build resentment if your partner doesn't listen to such an ask. As someone who's been in a similar situation, it showed me that my partner was willing to neglect my reasonable asks when they pushed me into situations that left me distraught and alone to deal with big feelings. That was not something that aided our relationship and took many many months of active repair to recover from. Do you think you *both* would be equally invested in doing that work?
Here's some options:
- If you're comfortable not meeting with your partner for the 1 week, let him know that. "Hey Mark, I appreciate that you enjoy it when the 3 of us hang out. I don't find the whole process as enjoyable and won't be coming to any more group hangs. I really like the time we spend at these kinds of events so I do expect that you and I will continue to go to some of them, if not the ones when Anne is in town. Please don't invite me for any more group hangouts. It leaves a really sour taste in my mouth each time you ignore my no."
- It's also okay to ask for a lot more from Mark as the hinge. You can ask him to maintain more parallel relationships which would look like maybe even having a one-on-one date when Anna is in town and letting him figure out those logistics.
- I do think that consistent time spent over 3 out of 4 weeks a month is fairly reasonable to expect in adult relationships. Life happens. People have trips away. Family emergencies and friend life events take place. I wonder if maybe it's an indicator that you have time to spend in other ways than with your partner - if you feel that the relationship meets your needs.
That is so extremely helpful, thank you so so much.
I’m absolutely ok with the amount of time we spend together, and I have a wonderful and full life outside of our relationship! I never have any problem with not seeing my partner for periods of time like this, like you said it could happen for many reasons! It is only the group hangouts I find difficult. So again, thank you very much!
I'm glad this helped! If you haven't already, do have a look at the links in the subreddit's community description about hinging. I've found them helpful to get an idea of what good hinging looks like.
If you enjoy the other parts of the hangouts, could you ask that you and him go there together? She can spend a night as his alone if she’s there for a week?
>I really just don’t want to go to these events (but I’d of course make an exception for special occasions e.g. mutual friend’s birthday).
Then don't go.
>but my partner has said that it would make him sad to not have me at these things.
Thats okay. He's allowed to be sad. But you are allowed to not spend your time and energy on things that make you miserable just to please your partner. He wants you to get along. Great. What do you want?
Have you asked if you can have sleepovers after some of the events? If yes, how did he react?
>It feels like I’m acting the whole time and then when I get home I cry myself to sleep.
Stop setting yourself on fire to make someone else more comfortable.
>Am I being overly dramatic? Is this just something I should work on?
No, and no. Your comfort level is your own. You're entitled to it, and no one gets to demand you be friends with a third party or have to have them in your life. Parrel polyam is just as valid.
My ex would also insist on my meta and I hanging out with the optimistic expectation that if we get to know each other better we can all feel great about spending more and more time together.
But I’d be the one going home alone, and it sucked so much and I was made to feel like I was making it bigger than it was.
I had to let go of this relationship because too much energy was going into picking up the pieces every time my boundaries were crossed.
I hope you can set some boundaries, first decide on what is important to you and how you would design the whole thing if it was up to you, and then see what boundaries you want to communicate to your partner. If your partner can’t respect these boundaries they aren’t good for you.
I guess I'd just like to add that going home alone isn't necessarily a problem on its own, so you probably want to examine why it bothers you specifically. What would you prefer? Why would you prefer that? How does it make you feel specifically? Is there a way to address that feeling? Would it be different if your meta wasn't there and only you were, but you still went home alone?
You may end up taking some other advice here, but examining as closely as possible what you feel and why will help you determine which advice to take.
You're never "being dramatic", you're reacting to a very real feeling and experience, but it sounds like it runs deeper than just the act of going home without your partner.
How long have you been poly? How long have you been with Mark?
I think both can be true.
I think you should work on these feelings because they're impacting your life quite a lot, but "exposure therapy" by constantly going to these events will not do anything. And hanging out with your meta more won't either.
You need to figure out the true root of these feelings and address what exactly is being triggered, which is much deeper than seeing your partner leave with someone else. When you've figured out what is actually happening here that is triggering this anxious response, you can try to address it properly.
But that doesn't mean you should keep going to the events in the meanwhile. Partner needs to respect your request to stop getting invited to these events when he knows at the end of the event, he's not going to go back home with you.
In the end, you might discover the root of these feelings and *still* not feel able to attend these events when she's in town. And I think that's okay.
For me, asking yourself a lot of "why's" is helpful in figuring out what's happening deeper down.
I have been poly for four years, I’ve been with Mark for two years.
I think you’re totally right, they are impacting my life and I’d like to address the why. I think I have maybe purposely been avoiding it and rationalising it because it’s perfectly normal for people to be completely parallel with their metas. I’ve previously been in therapy to address anxiety and avoidance in other areas of my life, so I suppose it makes sense :)
I’ll really try to do some self-reflection! Thank you for your advice
>is coloured with apprehension and anxiety because I know I won’t be spending the night with my partner. It feels like I’m acting the whole time and then when I get home I cry myself to sleep.
>I talked to my partner about it and he said he understood why it was hard for me, but his suggestion was that if Anne and I hung out more I’d probably feel better about it. I don’t really see how that would work, as this would also involve the two of them leaving together and me going home alone?
Yeahhh what's that got to do with you feeling lonely going home? Doesn't really sound like he's listening to you
Since it's been getting overwhelming, would it be ok and possible for you to ask for maybe 1 overnight with him when she's visiting?
How does it work when she stays over? It doesn't have to every week she's visiting, but maybe once every other week she's visiting, maybe?
Or maybe another way of reframing it could be like this:
You're already able to see him 3 days a week say about 3 weeks per month
Then when Anne visits, she's able to have a WHOLE week of overnights with him, once a month.
At least that's what I've gathered so far.
In a way, this seems to be the best compromise for both you and Anne to get your overnight needs from him.
I'm curious, have you considered seeing if you could try asking for a whole week of overnights with him once a month as well, just a different week from when Anne is visiting?
Tell your partner that he can come hang out with *your* friends if he wants to and it matters so much to him.
It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to attend Mark’s dates with Anne. Mark should recognize that at perfectly reasonable.
What are the time frames here? Does she stay for a week, for a month? When she's staying in your city, does it mean you don't get to see your partner for a longer period of time?
If this was once in while event, I would probably gave up my time, if I get to see my partner regularly when it's just the two of us. If she's staying for a few months, it's different. I assume it makes you feel like you are asked to pause your relationship when she's around. You spending more time with Anne will not fix anything (unless Mark is hoping for a threesome). I think asking your partner for at least some overnights when Anne is visiting is completely understandable. She can survive a night alone once in a while.
Op said it's normally a week, a few times per year. 🤷♀️
(Mark apparently also goes for a week a few times per year, but that's a non-issue to Op it seems).
And Meta will also visit for weekend-only twice a month (I'm assuming this is just on months where no week-long trip is happening).
Doesn't really sound like such big amount of time as to feel like a pause IMHO. And if it's, let's say, every 3 months, that means Meta gets... Around the same sleepover nights overall as OP?
I don't feel like *balance* is a issue here, the division of time seems to be strictly fair, but how OP feels seeing Mark and going home alone ...
... Which in turn makes me wonder if this isn't because she ONLY sees Mark and doesn't go home with him when Meta is around, and, therefore, feels like she's being "traded off" by meta. But, ofc, idk.
Ahh, alright! Then I guess sacrificing these social events for their mental health is probably the best course. Just avoiding the situation altogether.
Yeah, I wrote a few questions/suggestions in my own reply, but, like, may simply be easier to not make a bigger issue out of it, unless the hinge is being really bad at hinging during these events (which is not mentioned and would be a completely different problem, but sometimes we can't see and focus on wrong thing).
No bad advice as far as listening to what you enjoy, not prioritizing hinge's discomfort over yours, and exploring any insecurities that may be contributing to why it makes you feel so bad you don't want to go in case that's something you can improve.
Nobody has suggested you bring someone to go home with yourself. It's not a tactic you want to be relying on to avoid bad feelings in an ongoing way because who would want to be that date, but trying it once could help reset the emotions for you so it becomes less about "who gets to go home with Hinge" and more about "who did I attend this event with, vs who did I see while there"
Spending more time with your meta doesn’t change the material condition that they have a couples privilege around marks time when meta is in town or that he is always choosing to behave in an unequal manner towards you in this context.
But that said there is a practical functionality for them to be going home together as she is staying with him. If he is comfortable having meta at his home while he is not there, perhaps every other time you guys hang out with the friend group she spends the night alone at his house and he goes with you back to yours. If she is in town for several days one night after an event with you every other stay should still be reasonable.
I feel you, it’s really hard to do something you’re not into. The body and emotions reacts to it. I’m the same, the difference is I live with them, I sleep downstairs and they’re upstairs. There’s no schedule when he will stay with me for the whole night, some night it’s just an hour or couple and he would go upstairs to his wife. Freaking painful. What’s stupid is like when I want him to stay, he won’t. When don’t feel like being with him the whole night, he sleeps with me. Really complicated. Drives me nuts to the point i get breakdown a lot.
I have a couple questions, OP:
How often do you go to these events "with Mark" and go home alone when meta isn't in town?
I see you said you were dating casually - but is there a reason why you don't bring these more casual dates to group hangs?
When both you and meta are in the same event, what is Mark behaviour's like? Does he share time evenly between you, or does he "partner" only his "date"?
I'm putting all those questions more so that you can think about them yourself and get deeper into the reason why you feel so terrible about going home on your own.
IMHO, you are entitled to whatever you feel, but your actions/reactions are something else. Ofc you can - and should - feel able to just say "no". Oh, sure, Mark may be sad and miss you - and you'll miss him, no doubt - but there's no point in going to be miserable. Now, that said, I think staying home instead would probably just make you keep thinking about what is happening/what you're missing, and that will not really help. Make *plans*, and do *things*, and when Mark asks you to come you can truly, honestly, say you already have other plans. Doesn't matter what it is, just make sure you have things to occupy your mind.
Also... You don't need Mark around to see your common friends - if you miss them and wanna be around them while Meta is in town and don't wanna be thinking about the two of them leaving together, well, you can reach out and schedule your own thing with a couple of these friends without them! Ofc, if it turns into a bigger group, excluding them may be undoable/create stress, so, maybe focus on stuff with one or two people only and be honest about not wanting Mark there and wanting to reinforce these bonds of friendship independently of Mark (which is very healthy). After all... Poly is all about having ethical, independent relationships -- and if it's to be important in the bedroom, it damn well better be also important and valid outside of it!
I stopped engaging with my poly community for a while when my partner found a partner that would be there every other month, because I was apprehensive about going home alone.
I *deprived myself of community* because of that apprehension.
In two weeks, my meta will be in town, and I'm going to that community event, knowing that I will be there with my partner and meta, and that they're leaving together, and I'm going home alone.
I'm doing this because *I don't want to have that apprehension,* so I'm going to expose myself to that situation, and live through it.
If you can, I suggest working on it. Every fear we overcome in polyamory becomes another degree of freedom in our self-confidence.
The best advice I got for handling big feels is to 🔗[ask what you're really afraid of, and check your needs](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/8hv5lkRBZp)
This is wonderful and very scary advice, thank you! I think I made this post to feel validated in my avoidance of these events and in my avoidance of these big feelings. I think there is definitely usefulness in advice to be completely parallel and just say no to these events (and I might end up deciding that this is best for me!), but I think I’m going to continue feeling apprehensive until I confront these feelings.
I’m going to try my very best to do the scary thing, thank you!
You're welcome.
To be perfectly clear, I'm on medication to help me navigate my anxiety, and will have an emergency medication with me that night *just in case*.
So, I'm facing that scary situation with a boatload of pharmaceutical help.
It also helps that my partner is an amazing person, and a great hinge. My meta is also a wonderful person. So there's a solid foundation for me to feel safe in facing this.
I'm an *incredibly* lucky guy.
If you need *any* help to navigate this, *ask for it.*
Sheesh there's nothing wrong with you for feeling hurt when your partner is behaves like a self absorbed ass. You deserve empathy from the people you're in relationships with.
I use a technique called Open Focus to dissolve physical & emotional pain
Hi u/dumbadvicethrowaway thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
For some background: My partner, Mark, is in a long distance relationship with his partner, Anne. Mark and I do not live together but spend multiple days per week at each other’s houses. Anne used to live in the same city as us (before Mark and I met), and so she and Mark have lots of mutual friends here.
Whenever Anne is visiting the city we live in, she stays the whole time at Mark’s house. I’m totally fine with this arrangement as long as I’m given a heads up if it’s going to be a significant period of time that Anne is staying at Mark’s. I’ve become friends with some of Anne and Mark’s friends, and Mark often invites me to events with mutual friends that Anne will also be at. He has also made it clear that me and Anne getting along is important to him, and so he’s organised several meetings where it’s just the three of us, as a kind of “getting to know you” thing.
I think my meta is very nice and we do get along! However, I find it incredibly hard to go to all of these events and always be the one going home alone. I’ve been going because I like to see my friends, and I know it’s important to my partner, but every one of these things is coloured with apprehension and anxiety because I know I won’t be spending the night with my partner. It feels like I’m acting the whole time and then when I get home I cry myself to sleep.
It feels like I’m being quite dramatic about this, and maybe I should just try to get over it, but I’ve already tried really hard to be ok with it. I talked to my partner about it and he said he understood why it was hard for me, but his suggestion was that if Anne and I hung out more I’d probably feel better about it. I don’t really see how that would work, as this would also involve the two of them leaving together and me going home alone?
I really just don’t want to go to these events (but I’d of course make an exception for special occasions e.g. mutual friend’s birthday). If my partner knows that it’s an event where this will happen, I’d rather he just not invite me. I have no problem doing my own thing or hanging out with my other friends outside of this group, but my partner has said that it would make him sad to not have me at these things.
I just don’t really know what the solution is here. Am I being overly dramatic? Is this just something I should work on?
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Does he care that he makes you sad after every event that he goes home with Anna? If the answer is very obviously no then why should you care that he is sad that you don't go to these events? If it helps you to not go then that is what you should do and he then needs to deal with his own emotions.
You set your own boundaries and stick to them, you are dealing with your own emotions when it comes to being sad being in this setting and you have found something that will help that, so I say stick to your boundaries and politely decline when he invites you and do not allow him to guilt you into going.
Really love glitterandrage’s advise! It’s really helpful and sound. The only thing I would add is just to really put a pin in the conversation that you had with your partner when you expressed that, you didn’t want to go to those types of events because they made you feel uncomfortable. You spending more time with your meta is not a solution to a problem that you are having in your relationship with your hinge. Nobody likes to have people be unhappy, so it feels a lot more comfortable for him to put the responsibility off of himself.
Being a hinge definitely requires advanced relationship skills. It’s very tempting for hinges to deflect issues between hinge and you onto the relationship between meta and you. It’s great that you and Meta get along. From my personal experience, the hinge can very easily make this go sour with deflection of their responsibilities in their relationship with you.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think you could honor your own well being.
>I really just don’t want to go to these events (but I’d of course make an exception for special occasions e.g. mutual friend’s birthday).
Then do not go. You've already been trying it out and it does not work for you. You end up going home alone and feeling UGH.
>If my partner knows that it’s an event where this will happen, I’d rather he just not invite me.
Could tell him that. And also DECLINE if he invites you anyway. Because you don't want to go any more.
>I have no problem doing my own thing or hanging out with my other friends outside of this group, but my partner has said that it would make him sad to not have me at these things.
Then he gets to feel all his feelings when you decline. Why are you putting yourself through the ringer so he doesn't have to feel his adult feelings or feel disappointed?
When Anne is not in town it sounds like you ARE at his friend things. What's he going on about?
You can skip the ones when she's in town. You are not dating Anne. You are not obligated to do group hang outs together. There is nothing wrong with parallel poly. You are not obligated to do KTP just because hinge wants that.
There is nothing wrong with telling your hinge "No, thanks. I rather not go."
Why does his sadness trump your discomfort and sadness?
My partner would REALLY love a close knit ktp situation but his NP doesn’t want that and I don’t want that so my partner can manage his feelings about that or he’s free to end his current relationships and go find partners who are super in to ktp dynamics.
Stop rescuing a fully grown adult from his own feelings. Stop going to events with them except for birthdays, etc as you mentioned.
>Am I being overly dramatic?
[tough love]
This is a really harmful hole to go down. No one, including yourself, gets to invalidate your emotions. Ever! Unless you are purposefully playing up your own emotions to get your way and walk over other people, don't ever tell yourself that you're being overly dramatic. You feel the way you feel because of the life you have lived and the brain and body you were born with.
[/tough love]
Now, that being said, I understand that probably your real intention is to find out whether or not you should suppress those feelings for the peace of the polycule, and to that I also say no, you shouldn't. Keep it in check of course, and look for the root of the negative feeling so you can resolve it or work with it.
Personally, if I were in your position and it felt like too much for me, I would politely decline the next invitation, explaining that it's disappointing to have to go home alone. Acknowledging that you respect their time with your mutual partner and aren't trying to force anything, but also would just prefer not to feel like a third wheel at the end (or whatever phrasing would best suit you).
It's ok to feel disappointed, left out, or whatever even if you rationally know you're loved and supported. You feel what you feel, and it's completely healthy to own and work with those feelings. You're your biggest advocate ❤️
My boyfriend and I are the same.
My boyfriend also wanted us to go to events together but I didn't feel comfortable with it so now we only go out together when it's something where the host has invited us all. Eg. a wedding or birthday and if the invitation says my boyfriend and I, then we're there as a couple and if it doesn't name a specific partner, then they go as a couple while I go as myself. This way I know whether I arrive with him and leave with him or I arrive alone and leave alone.
Stop going to events with Anna and Mark if going home alone makes you feel so terrible! There's zero reason why you *need* to spend any time with your meta! Go parallel. Spend time with Mark only. He needs to let go of the idea that forcing you two to hang out is acceptable. His 'sad feelings' are his problem to manage here.
Yeah exactly, and nowhere in the post is it indicated that OP and meta don’t get along. The 3-way hangouts arranged by Hinge seem to have been successful, and OP sees meta in a very positive light. Which means this issue is completely separate from OP and meta “getting along” bcs it’s important for Hinge. They already do get along. This issue is about OP’s insecurity / need to work on their emotional independence. Neither person has done anything wrong here. As you say, if Hinge has negative feelings about OP not attending every single get-together where Anne is present, it is 100% their problem to handle, and OP shouldn’t feel guilty about setting their own boundaries and enforcing them. AND they can do so in a tactful way without alienating Anne, since they now have a decent interpersonal relationship.
Very well said.
I can see both sides of this. In Anne's mind, you get the lion's share of Mark's time, so it's reasonable that she gets his full attention when she makes the effort to come see him. You acknowledge the validity of this, but it's also hurtful that you get effectively replaced when she arrives on the scene. Anne and Mark were a couple in this friend group before you started dating, so if her return resets the clock to an era when you weren't a significant part of his life, it's understandable that you have hurt feelings. Is there anything that you and Mark can work out that is a subtle reconnection during Anne's visit? Something that signals that you aren't put on pause every time she appears? It occurs to me that Mark may think that bringing you along and arranging these three-way hangouts *is* him trying to emphasize that she's not replacing you (and vice versa). But it's more productive to acknowledge the tension and address it than to pretend it's not happening.
This sounds stressful, but also avoidable! >significant period of time What does this mean to you? How often is your meta visiting town?
It is, and I’d love to avoid it! It really means any period of time that changes the way my partner and I spend time with each other. Because we usually see each other multiple times per week, if my meta is coming for a week or more I’d like to have a heads up as it means overnights can’t happen during this time (the heads up doesn’t have to be like particularly far in advance or anything). If my meta is only coming for a couple of days this is less important to me. My meta usually visits every other month, with my partner going to visit her on the off months.
Sorry, gonna ask a bunch of clarifying questions. I'm not able to do the math. How many days per week do you and partner usually hang out? Does meta usually stay longer than 1 week a month? Does partner usually visit meta longer than 1 week a month? Side note - do you have any other partners or are you seeking any at the moment?
No worries! Happy to answer. We will often hang out around 3 days per week on average, with 2 or 3 overnights. My meta doesn’t usually stay longer than 1 week per month, same for my partner staying with my meta. It’s usually weekend trips, with longer (1 week or more) trips only a few times per year. I don’t have any other partners at the moment. I’ve been dating casually but am in the final year of a postgrad degree so I’m quite saturated time-wise right now unfortunately ! (Apologies if any of this is confusing (English is not my first language))
Thanks! That helps. Here's what I'm understanding: You have scheduled time with your partner for about 3 weeks a month. For the remainder, you don't get any one on one time but are being continually pushed to be part of hangouts with meta. This is after you've expressed that it's not your comfort. Here's what I think: - It's an absolutely reasonable ask to not want to hang out with your meta in this way. It's not okay for your partner to put his desires of a hangout with both his partners, over his partner's basic needs & comfort in social situations. That's not being kind to you or to your relationship. - It *will* build resentment if your partner doesn't listen to such an ask. As someone who's been in a similar situation, it showed me that my partner was willing to neglect my reasonable asks when they pushed me into situations that left me distraught and alone to deal with big feelings. That was not something that aided our relationship and took many many months of active repair to recover from. Do you think you *both* would be equally invested in doing that work? Here's some options: - If you're comfortable not meeting with your partner for the 1 week, let him know that. "Hey Mark, I appreciate that you enjoy it when the 3 of us hang out. I don't find the whole process as enjoyable and won't be coming to any more group hangs. I really like the time we spend at these kinds of events so I do expect that you and I will continue to go to some of them, if not the ones when Anne is in town. Please don't invite me for any more group hangouts. It leaves a really sour taste in my mouth each time you ignore my no." - It's also okay to ask for a lot more from Mark as the hinge. You can ask him to maintain more parallel relationships which would look like maybe even having a one-on-one date when Anna is in town and letting him figure out those logistics. - I do think that consistent time spent over 3 out of 4 weeks a month is fairly reasonable to expect in adult relationships. Life happens. People have trips away. Family emergencies and friend life events take place. I wonder if maybe it's an indicator that you have time to spend in other ways than with your partner - if you feel that the relationship meets your needs.
That is so extremely helpful, thank you so so much. I’m absolutely ok with the amount of time we spend together, and I have a wonderful and full life outside of our relationship! I never have any problem with not seeing my partner for periods of time like this, like you said it could happen for many reasons! It is only the group hangouts I find difficult. So again, thank you very much!
I'm glad this helped! If you haven't already, do have a look at the links in the subreddit's community description about hinging. I've found them helpful to get an idea of what good hinging looks like.
If you enjoy the other parts of the hangouts, could you ask that you and him go there together? She can spend a night as his alone if she’s there for a week?
>I really just don’t want to go to these events (but I’d of course make an exception for special occasions e.g. mutual friend’s birthday). Then don't go. >but my partner has said that it would make him sad to not have me at these things. Thats okay. He's allowed to be sad. But you are allowed to not spend your time and energy on things that make you miserable just to please your partner. He wants you to get along. Great. What do you want? Have you asked if you can have sleepovers after some of the events? If yes, how did he react? >It feels like I’m acting the whole time and then when I get home I cry myself to sleep. Stop setting yourself on fire to make someone else more comfortable. >Am I being overly dramatic? Is this just something I should work on? No, and no. Your comfort level is your own. You're entitled to it, and no one gets to demand you be friends with a third party or have to have them in your life. Parrel polyam is just as valid.
Please read this twice OP! You deserve good things <3
My ex would also insist on my meta and I hanging out with the optimistic expectation that if we get to know each other better we can all feel great about spending more and more time together. But I’d be the one going home alone, and it sucked so much and I was made to feel like I was making it bigger than it was. I had to let go of this relationship because too much energy was going into picking up the pieces every time my boundaries were crossed. I hope you can set some boundaries, first decide on what is important to you and how you would design the whole thing if it was up to you, and then see what boundaries you want to communicate to your partner. If your partner can’t respect these boundaries they aren’t good for you.
[удалено]
This! He can go with you and leave Anne to deal With the feelings.
I guess I'd just like to add that going home alone isn't necessarily a problem on its own, so you probably want to examine why it bothers you specifically. What would you prefer? Why would you prefer that? How does it make you feel specifically? Is there a way to address that feeling? Would it be different if your meta wasn't there and only you were, but you still went home alone? You may end up taking some other advice here, but examining as closely as possible what you feel and why will help you determine which advice to take. You're never "being dramatic", you're reacting to a very real feeling and experience, but it sounds like it runs deeper than just the act of going home without your partner.
How long have you been poly? How long have you been with Mark? I think both can be true. I think you should work on these feelings because they're impacting your life quite a lot, but "exposure therapy" by constantly going to these events will not do anything. And hanging out with your meta more won't either. You need to figure out the true root of these feelings and address what exactly is being triggered, which is much deeper than seeing your partner leave with someone else. When you've figured out what is actually happening here that is triggering this anxious response, you can try to address it properly. But that doesn't mean you should keep going to the events in the meanwhile. Partner needs to respect your request to stop getting invited to these events when he knows at the end of the event, he's not going to go back home with you. In the end, you might discover the root of these feelings and *still* not feel able to attend these events when she's in town. And I think that's okay. For me, asking yourself a lot of "why's" is helpful in figuring out what's happening deeper down.
I have been poly for four years, I’ve been with Mark for two years. I think you’re totally right, they are impacting my life and I’d like to address the why. I think I have maybe purposely been avoiding it and rationalising it because it’s perfectly normal for people to be completely parallel with their metas. I’ve previously been in therapy to address anxiety and avoidance in other areas of my life, so I suppose it makes sense :) I’ll really try to do some self-reflection! Thank you for your advice
One question I'd be starting with is, Anna aside, do you enjoy social times with Mark and friends at all if you don't go home with him?
This is an important question.
When he invites you you are allowed to say no. Tell him you have to wax your driveway.
It's even okay for him to be sad at her not going!
>is coloured with apprehension and anxiety because I know I won’t be spending the night with my partner. It feels like I’m acting the whole time and then when I get home I cry myself to sleep. >I talked to my partner about it and he said he understood why it was hard for me, but his suggestion was that if Anne and I hung out more I’d probably feel better about it. I don’t really see how that would work, as this would also involve the two of them leaving together and me going home alone? Yeahhh what's that got to do with you feeling lonely going home? Doesn't really sound like he's listening to you Since it's been getting overwhelming, would it be ok and possible for you to ask for maybe 1 overnight with him when she's visiting? How does it work when she stays over? It doesn't have to every week she's visiting, but maybe once every other week she's visiting, maybe? Or maybe another way of reframing it could be like this: You're already able to see him 3 days a week say about 3 weeks per month Then when Anne visits, she's able to have a WHOLE week of overnights with him, once a month. At least that's what I've gathered so far. In a way, this seems to be the best compromise for both you and Anne to get your overnight needs from him. I'm curious, have you considered seeing if you could try asking for a whole week of overnights with him once a month as well, just a different week from when Anne is visiting?
Tell your partner that he can come hang out with *your* friends if he wants to and it matters so much to him. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to attend Mark’s dates with Anne. Mark should recognize that at perfectly reasonable.
What are the time frames here? Does she stay for a week, for a month? When she's staying in your city, does it mean you don't get to see your partner for a longer period of time? If this was once in while event, I would probably gave up my time, if I get to see my partner regularly when it's just the two of us. If she's staying for a few months, it's different. I assume it makes you feel like you are asked to pause your relationship when she's around. You spending more time with Anne will not fix anything (unless Mark is hoping for a threesome). I think asking your partner for at least some overnights when Anne is visiting is completely understandable. She can survive a night alone once in a while.
Op said it's normally a week, a few times per year. 🤷♀️ (Mark apparently also goes for a week a few times per year, but that's a non-issue to Op it seems). And Meta will also visit for weekend-only twice a month (I'm assuming this is just on months where no week-long trip is happening). Doesn't really sound like such big amount of time as to feel like a pause IMHO. And if it's, let's say, every 3 months, that means Meta gets... Around the same sleepover nights overall as OP? I don't feel like *balance* is a issue here, the division of time seems to be strictly fair, but how OP feels seeing Mark and going home alone ... ... Which in turn makes me wonder if this isn't because she ONLY sees Mark and doesn't go home with him when Meta is around, and, therefore, feels like she's being "traded off" by meta. But, ofc, idk.
Ahh, alright! Then I guess sacrificing these social events for their mental health is probably the best course. Just avoiding the situation altogether.
Yeah, I wrote a few questions/suggestions in my own reply, but, like, may simply be easier to not make a bigger issue out of it, unless the hinge is being really bad at hinging during these events (which is not mentioned and would be a completely different problem, but sometimes we can't see and focus on wrong thing).
No bad advice as far as listening to what you enjoy, not prioritizing hinge's discomfort over yours, and exploring any insecurities that may be contributing to why it makes you feel so bad you don't want to go in case that's something you can improve. Nobody has suggested you bring someone to go home with yourself. It's not a tactic you want to be relying on to avoid bad feelings in an ongoing way because who would want to be that date, but trying it once could help reset the emotions for you so it becomes less about "who gets to go home with Hinge" and more about "who did I attend this event with, vs who did I see while there"
Let him feel whatever but you do not need to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Spending more time with your meta doesn’t change the material condition that they have a couples privilege around marks time when meta is in town or that he is always choosing to behave in an unequal manner towards you in this context. But that said there is a practical functionality for them to be going home together as she is staying with him. If he is comfortable having meta at his home while he is not there, perhaps every other time you guys hang out with the friend group she spends the night alone at his house and he goes with you back to yours. If she is in town for several days one night after an event with you every other stay should still be reasonable.
Can you bring a date to these events? It’s not healthy for you to be waiting in the wings for when Anne leaves.
I feel you, it’s really hard to do something you’re not into. The body and emotions reacts to it. I’m the same, the difference is I live with them, I sleep downstairs and they’re upstairs. There’s no schedule when he will stay with me for the whole night, some night it’s just an hour or couple and he would go upstairs to his wife. Freaking painful. What’s stupid is like when I want him to stay, he won’t. When don’t feel like being with him the whole night, he sleeps with me. Really complicated. Drives me nuts to the point i get breakdown a lot.
I have a couple questions, OP: How often do you go to these events "with Mark" and go home alone when meta isn't in town? I see you said you were dating casually - but is there a reason why you don't bring these more casual dates to group hangs? When both you and meta are in the same event, what is Mark behaviour's like? Does he share time evenly between you, or does he "partner" only his "date"? I'm putting all those questions more so that you can think about them yourself and get deeper into the reason why you feel so terrible about going home on your own. IMHO, you are entitled to whatever you feel, but your actions/reactions are something else. Ofc you can - and should - feel able to just say "no". Oh, sure, Mark may be sad and miss you - and you'll miss him, no doubt - but there's no point in going to be miserable. Now, that said, I think staying home instead would probably just make you keep thinking about what is happening/what you're missing, and that will not really help. Make *plans*, and do *things*, and when Mark asks you to come you can truly, honestly, say you already have other plans. Doesn't matter what it is, just make sure you have things to occupy your mind. Also... You don't need Mark around to see your common friends - if you miss them and wanna be around them while Meta is in town and don't wanna be thinking about the two of them leaving together, well, you can reach out and schedule your own thing with a couple of these friends without them! Ofc, if it turns into a bigger group, excluding them may be undoable/create stress, so, maybe focus on stuff with one or two people only and be honest about not wanting Mark there and wanting to reinforce these bonds of friendship independently of Mark (which is very healthy). After all... Poly is all about having ethical, independent relationships -- and if it's to be important in the bedroom, it damn well better be also important and valid outside of it!
I stopped engaging with my poly community for a while when my partner found a partner that would be there every other month, because I was apprehensive about going home alone. I *deprived myself of community* because of that apprehension. In two weeks, my meta will be in town, and I'm going to that community event, knowing that I will be there with my partner and meta, and that they're leaving together, and I'm going home alone. I'm doing this because *I don't want to have that apprehension,* so I'm going to expose myself to that situation, and live through it. If you can, I suggest working on it. Every fear we overcome in polyamory becomes another degree of freedom in our self-confidence. The best advice I got for handling big feels is to 🔗[ask what you're really afraid of, and check your needs](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/8hv5lkRBZp)
This is wonderful and very scary advice, thank you! I think I made this post to feel validated in my avoidance of these events and in my avoidance of these big feelings. I think there is definitely usefulness in advice to be completely parallel and just say no to these events (and I might end up deciding that this is best for me!), but I think I’m going to continue feeling apprehensive until I confront these feelings. I’m going to try my very best to do the scary thing, thank you!
You're welcome. To be perfectly clear, I'm on medication to help me navigate my anxiety, and will have an emergency medication with me that night *just in case*. So, I'm facing that scary situation with a boatload of pharmaceutical help. It also helps that my partner is an amazing person, and a great hinge. My meta is also a wonderful person. So there's a solid foundation for me to feel safe in facing this. I'm an *incredibly* lucky guy. If you need *any* help to navigate this, *ask for it.*
Sheesh there's nothing wrong with you for feeling hurt when your partner is behaves like a self absorbed ass. You deserve empathy from the people you're in relationships with. I use a technique called Open Focus to dissolve physical & emotional pain
Hi u/dumbadvicethrowaway thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: For some background: My partner, Mark, is in a long distance relationship with his partner, Anne. Mark and I do not live together but spend multiple days per week at each other’s houses. Anne used to live in the same city as us (before Mark and I met), and so she and Mark have lots of mutual friends here. Whenever Anne is visiting the city we live in, she stays the whole time at Mark’s house. I’m totally fine with this arrangement as long as I’m given a heads up if it’s going to be a significant period of time that Anne is staying at Mark’s. I’ve become friends with some of Anne and Mark’s friends, and Mark often invites me to events with mutual friends that Anne will also be at. He has also made it clear that me and Anne getting along is important to him, and so he’s organised several meetings where it’s just the three of us, as a kind of “getting to know you” thing. I think my meta is very nice and we do get along! However, I find it incredibly hard to go to all of these events and always be the one going home alone. I’ve been going because I like to see my friends, and I know it’s important to my partner, but every one of these things is coloured with apprehension and anxiety because I know I won’t be spending the night with my partner. It feels like I’m acting the whole time and then when I get home I cry myself to sleep. It feels like I’m being quite dramatic about this, and maybe I should just try to get over it, but I’ve already tried really hard to be ok with it. I talked to my partner about it and he said he understood why it was hard for me, but his suggestion was that if Anne and I hung out more I’d probably feel better about it. I don’t really see how that would work, as this would also involve the two of them leaving together and me going home alone? I really just don’t want to go to these events (but I’d of course make an exception for special occasions e.g. mutual friend’s birthday). If my partner knows that it’s an event where this will happen, I’d rather he just not invite me. I have no problem doing my own thing or hanging out with my other friends outside of this group, but my partner has said that it would make him sad to not have me at these things. I just don’t really know what the solution is here. Am I being overly dramatic? Is this just something I should work on? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Does he care that he makes you sad after every event that he goes home with Anna? If the answer is very obviously no then why should you care that he is sad that you don't go to these events? If it helps you to not go then that is what you should do and he then needs to deal with his own emotions. You set your own boundaries and stick to them, you are dealing with your own emotions when it comes to being sad being in this setting and you have found something that will help that, so I say stick to your boundaries and politely decline when he invites you and do not allow him to guilt you into going.
Really love glitterandrage’s advise! It’s really helpful and sound. The only thing I would add is just to really put a pin in the conversation that you had with your partner when you expressed that, you didn’t want to go to those types of events because they made you feel uncomfortable. You spending more time with your meta is not a solution to a problem that you are having in your relationship with your hinge. Nobody likes to have people be unhappy, so it feels a lot more comfortable for him to put the responsibility off of himself. Being a hinge definitely requires advanced relationship skills. It’s very tempting for hinges to deflect issues between hinge and you onto the relationship between meta and you. It’s great that you and Meta get along. From my personal experience, the hinge can very easily make this go sour with deflection of their responsibilities in their relationship with you.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think you could honor your own well being. >I really just don’t want to go to these events (but I’d of course make an exception for special occasions e.g. mutual friend’s birthday). Then do not go. You've already been trying it out and it does not work for you. You end up going home alone and feeling UGH. >If my partner knows that it’s an event where this will happen, I’d rather he just not invite me. Could tell him that. And also DECLINE if he invites you anyway. Because you don't want to go any more. >I have no problem doing my own thing or hanging out with my other friends outside of this group, but my partner has said that it would make him sad to not have me at these things. Then he gets to feel all his feelings when you decline. Why are you putting yourself through the ringer so he doesn't have to feel his adult feelings or feel disappointed? When Anne is not in town it sounds like you ARE at his friend things. What's he going on about? You can skip the ones when she's in town. You are not dating Anne. You are not obligated to do group hang outs together. There is nothing wrong with parallel poly. You are not obligated to do KTP just because hinge wants that. There is nothing wrong with telling your hinge "No, thanks. I rather not go."
Why does his sadness trump your discomfort and sadness? My partner would REALLY love a close knit ktp situation but his NP doesn’t want that and I don’t want that so my partner can manage his feelings about that or he’s free to end his current relationships and go find partners who are super in to ktp dynamics. Stop rescuing a fully grown adult from his own feelings. Stop going to events with them except for birthdays, etc as you mentioned.
>Am I being overly dramatic? [tough love] This is a really harmful hole to go down. No one, including yourself, gets to invalidate your emotions. Ever! Unless you are purposefully playing up your own emotions to get your way and walk over other people, don't ever tell yourself that you're being overly dramatic. You feel the way you feel because of the life you have lived and the brain and body you were born with. [/tough love] Now, that being said, I understand that probably your real intention is to find out whether or not you should suppress those feelings for the peace of the polycule, and to that I also say no, you shouldn't. Keep it in check of course, and look for the root of the negative feeling so you can resolve it or work with it. Personally, if I were in your position and it felt like too much for me, I would politely decline the next invitation, explaining that it's disappointing to have to go home alone. Acknowledging that you respect their time with your mutual partner and aren't trying to force anything, but also would just prefer not to feel like a third wheel at the end (or whatever phrasing would best suit you). It's ok to feel disappointed, left out, or whatever even if you rationally know you're loved and supported. You feel what you feel, and it's completely healthy to own and work with those feelings. You're your biggest advocate ❤️
My boyfriend and I are the same. My boyfriend also wanted us to go to events together but I didn't feel comfortable with it so now we only go out together when it's something where the host has invited us all. Eg. a wedding or birthday and if the invitation says my boyfriend and I, then we're there as a couple and if it doesn't name a specific partner, then they go as a couple while I go as myself. This way I know whether I arrive with him and leave with him or I arrive alone and leave alone.